Sommore: A Queen with No Spades (2018) - full transcript

Sommore is back for her 4th self-produced comedy special. She covers topics ranging from her own personal growth and development, to her unique perspective on life, politics and individual choice.

[instrumental music]

(female narrator)
Live from
the beautiful Faena Theater

in Miami Beach, Florida,

all hail
the undisputed queen of comedy,

who's always
on chandelier stages,

the one chandelier, Sommore.

♪ Turn the chandelier off ♪

♪ And watch the curtain
just fall ♪

♪ Bad bitches stay down ♪

♪ They can never switch up ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪



♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ Now turn the chandelier off ♪

♪ And watch the curtain
go down ♪

♪ The real one
always gonna get it ♪

♪ She will never slow down ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪♪

Thank y'all for coming out.
Thank y'all.

Thank y'all.
Thank you. Thank you.

Y'all look awesome, too.

Y'all look amazing! Amazing.



Thank y'all for coming out.

Um, how beautiful
is this theater first of all?

How beautiful is the theater?

How beautiful is the theater?

It was hard to top
this motherfucker right here.

It was hard to top this theater.

But you know I do what I do.

So tonight
I got on church jewelry,

club clothes and hoe shoes.

[audience cheering]

The way I'm dressed,
I could pussy fuck

or praise dance
in this bitch tonight.

That's right,
this is what I love to do.

Let me tell y'all,
we are in beautiful Miami Beach.

And how awesome is the weather,
though, right?

Let me tell y'all somethin',
it's so fucking hot in Miami

that the dykes wear sundresses.

And you ain't never seen
no funny shit

till you seen a dyke
in a motherfuckin' sundress.

Think of the manliest bitch
you know

in a motherfuckin' sundress.

Them bitch be walkin',
gettin' their little pimp on,

then they gotta stop
and pull their shit up like...

[Sommore sighs]

But I've been having
nothin' but a great time.

Nothin' but a great time.

But what I realized is

Miami Beach is different
than Miami.

See, here's the thing, don't let
all that water and sand

fucking fool you.

See, we're in Miami Beach,

but the goddamn airport
is in Miami.

It's a whole another beast
when you cross

that fucking bridge,
you understand what I'm sayin'?

Miami ain't nothin'
to be fucked up with.

Shit can get little dangerous
in Miami.

I ain't gonna lie,
before I left the airport,

five motherfuckers told me
to be careful...

while I was in Miami.

I swear, let me tell you,
I swear to God.

Soon as I got off the plane,
dude work at the airport,

he was like,
"Yo, what's up, Sommore?"

He was like, "Yo, I heard you
got a show in town this weekend.

"I ain't gonna be able
to make it, baby,

"'cause I gotta work
all weekend.

"But I know
you're gonna do your thing.

"But do me a favor
while you're here in Miami.

You be careful now. Be careful."

I was like, "Alright, dude,
I got you. I got you."

I ain't think shit about it.
Ain't think shit about it.

So I walk and go on
to the baggage claim,

see a little sister,
she serving popcorns.

She was like, "Sommore,"
she was like,

"Yo, me and my girls
got tickets to the show tonight.

"We know
you're gonna do your thing.

"But do me a favor
while you're here in Miami.

Watch your back."

I said, "What the fuck
that supposed to mean? Shit."

Like, I'm from the 'hood,
I ain't dealin' shit to nobody.

So I'm like, "What the fuck
that supposed to mean?"

So I still didn't think
nothin' about it.

Wasn't until we got
to the baggage claim.

This little, young dude
handlin' the help,

helpin' us handle our bags.

And I knew
he wasn't coming to the show

'cause he was just
way too thugged out.

But the crazy part about it
is he knew who I was.

He was like,
"Yo, Ms. Sommore, yo!

"My mom love you, man.

My mom love you, man."

He was like,
"Yo, Ms. Sommore, look.

"I know you and your people,
y'all in town and everythin',

"makin' things happen,
but do me a favor, Ms. Sommore,

"while you here in Miami.

Keep your head on the swivel."

Now when a motherfucker tell you
to keep your head on the swivel,

bitch, that mean watch your back
and your front. That's...

I said, "Shit!"

Well, that shit
had me fucked up.

And I ain't gonna lie, I was
just a little bit paranoid.

I was so fuckin' paranoid,

I had the weed man meet me
at the police station.

[chuckles]

I said, "Shit, I can't take a
chance on goin' gettin' no weed

and the motherfucker
done warned you."

That's right.

That's right.

I am a legal-weed,
marijuana-medicinal participant.

I am, I am a participant.

Mm-hmm.

And the crazy part about it is,

it's just fucking all my family
and my friends up.

They can't believe it,
they're like,

"Bitch, how did you wait
this late in life

to start smoking weed?"

I'm like, "Bitch, how did I wait
this late in life

to find out I got
attention-deficit disorder?"

Like, I'm si... Like, here
the thing. Here the thing.

I always knew
I had a little glitch.

No, fuck that. Everybody in
this bitch got a little glitch.

And it's something wrong
with everybody here.

Always knew
I had a little glitch, right?

And I never really paid
much attention to it.

But I found out that I have
attention-deficit disorder.

And for those of you
that don't know what

attention-deficit disorder is,

it's when you can't focus
for a long period of time.

Like, you can't pay attention
for a long period of time.

Here's when I knew
that I had to go get some help.

One day I'm in the mall,
I stopped this girl,

I'm asking for directions
how to get to a store.

She started giving me directions
to the store.

As she giving me directions
to the store,

my ADD kick in,

I started countin' the moles
on this bitch's face.

She said,
"You know where you goin'?"

I said, "Thirteen, you got

"thirteen moles on your face.

"Oh, one more time.
One more time. One more time.

"One more time.
One more time, come on.

Tell me one more time.
One more time."

I said, "Goddamn,
I got this shit bad.

"I gotta do somethin'.

I gotta do somethin'."

I said, "I got to do somethin'."

And, look, here the thing,
the crazy part about it,

I made it all through college.

All through college,
but not know...

I knew that some shit was wrong,

but I never really wanted
to address this shit, right?

And I was always afraid
to admit to people,

like, I was uncomfortable
reading books

that didn't have pictures in it
'cause I just couldn't...

It couldn't hold my attention
span for a long period of time.

But now I'm comfortable,
fuck that shit.

Listen, you want me
to read your book,

you got to have some pictures
in that motherfucker.

Like, I want them pictures
that, people,

I got to go page-page,
picture-picture.

Page-page. Picture-picture.

Now if ya ain't got no pictures,
you get ready to lose me.

I don't understand that shit.
I'm serious.

Like, I tried to read
certain books without pictures

that I thought
would be a easy read.

Like, I tried to read,
"Diary Of A Video Vixen,"

by Superhead. Y'all remember
the girl Superhead?

Superhead wrote a whole book

about suckin' dick.

Not one picture of her
suckin' dick in the book.

I'm like, "How the fuck
you write a whole book

"about suckin' dick,

but not one picture of you
suckin' dick in the book?"

Bitch, that's like writin'
a cook book with no recipes.

How the fuck... You got to show
your work somewhere.

[Sommore chuckles]

But I'm tellin' y'all,
the medical marijuana

is doin' amazing things
for people.

It's doin' amazing things.

People that's dealin' with pain,

people that's dealin' with, uh,
cancer patients,

people that's dealin' with
attention-deficit disorder,

can't sleep,
it is doing amazing things.

Really is. It's really changing
the medical business.

And I ain't lyin',
I tried weed back in my 20s.

Come on now.
I tried weed back in my 20s.

But, ladies, y'all know
that shit was too strong

back in the day.

You fuck around, come on now,

you know, smoke some weed.

Fuck around and hit a blunt,
hit a joint.

You fuck around, hit a joint,
you start having

them old deep-ass thoughts.

Get all paranoia, you know
you had 'em deep-ass thoughts.

You started thinkin' about shit
that if you weren't smokin' weed

you wouldn't even have had
this shit on your mind.

You fuck around
and smoke a joint,

you start thinkin'
about all the niggers

you done fuck for free.

You'd be sittin' there
feelin' bad about yourself,

like, "Damn, I could have paid
my car off by now.

"This is some bullshit.

I gotta
just get my shit together."

And it wasn't you, it was the
weed makin' you feel like that.

(female #1)
Right!

But not this new weed.
Let me tell y'all somethin'.

This new shit,
I ain't gonna lie to y'all.

I'm so focused right now...

I could take the SAT test
tonight.

Now, I don't know
what college I'll end up at,

but I could take that bitch
tonight.

That's how focused I am.

And I really, I still can't deal
with the street weed.

I can't smoke street weed,
it's just too strong.

Like, two months ago
we was in Philadelphia, alright?

We're in Philadelphia,
I forgot to bring my vape pen.

So they ran out
and I was havin' a real bad day.

Headache, couldn't sleep,
couldn't relax.

They ran out
and got me some weed, right?

Regular street weed.
Let me tell y'all somethin'.

That shit was so strong,

I hit a blunt at 12 noon.

I was high all day long.

I was so fuckin' high,

ladies, we went to the club
that night,

I'm sittin' in that bitch
with glue with no lashes on.

[audience laughing]

High as a motherfucker.

Glue all on my lids, lashes
back at the house, bitch.

I'm sittin' in that bitch,
I'm like,

"These niggas can't see me.

These niggas can't see me."

Bitch, I'm high. High.

[chuckles]

But it has changed my life,
it really has.

Made a whole difference
in my life.

Changed my whole life.
Tellin' you.

And-and it's made my job easier.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I am a stand-up comedian.

I have been a stand-up comedian
for 25 years,

25 years.

[audience cheering]

Yeah.

And, and I love it. I love it.

I tell people all the time, I
have the best job in the world.

Best job in the world.

Here's how I see my job.

Here's how I see my job.

I see my job
as every single weekend

I'm goin' to a party.
I dress like a party.

I don't know who's gonna be
in the buildin', but I always,

I know there's gonna be some fly
motherfuckers in the buildin'.

See, this is the reputation that

I've gained
throughout the years.

So city to city
and state to state,

only the best of the best

come out to see me do
what it is that I do.

Only the best of the best.

That's right. That's right.

Not, not everybody's here,

but only the best of the best.

So look at, look at the people
you're sitting amongst.

These are the movers
and shakers, the entrepreneurs.

The 401(k) havin' plan
motherfuckers. That's right.

Yes, property owners.

You know, people doing shit.

Ain't no foot-draggin' bitches
sittin' up in here.

Ain't no bitches walkin'
on the back of their shoes

sittin' up in here.

Ain't no bitches with dirty
bra straps sittin' up in here.

Ain't no bitches with
hair bonnets and pajama pants

sittin' on up in here.

All the men caught up
on their child support,

ain't no men in the rear
sittin' up in here.

Y'all ain't even try to fuck
with that.

Y'alls like, "Oh, shit."

I shut this whole side down
right here. They were like...

Did I put too much on it?
Did I put too much on it?

(male #1)
No, baby, no!

[indistinct chatter]

But here's what,
here's what I love.

Here's what I love
about the people

that support my work,
first of all,

I love that an eclectic group
of people come out to see me do

what it is that I love to do.

First of all, I love
that y'all are smart enough

to know what the fuck
eclectic means.

[audience cheering]

Yes.

And for those of you that
don't know what eclectic means,

go with it, bitch,
go with it, bitch.

Go with it, bitch.
Go with it, bitch.

Somebody explain it to you
in the car, go with it, bitch.

Sometime you just gotta act
like you know shit

you don't even know.

Go with it.

But here's what I love.

First of all, I love
that the room is racially mixed.

I love that. I love
that the room is racially mixed.

See, I think that we're livin'
in a world right now

where there's
too much racial tension.

Way too much racial tension.

Way too much racial tension.

And the bottom line is,
ain't nobody goin' nowhere.

[audience cheering]

So we all gotta
figure this shit out.

Black people, we seen some shit
last year that fucked us up,

that we had never seen before.

In Charlottesville, Virginia,

they had a race riot

with one race of people.

And, black people,
we was fucked up.

'Cause you think about it.

Usually when ya have a race riot

you got two race of people.

But in Charlottesville,
Virginia,

they had
a motherfucking race riot

with all white people.

And, black people,
we was at home

watching that shit on TV,
we was fucked up.

We ain't never seen
no shit like this before.

We didn't know
who was on which team.

The motherfuckers
ain't have on no, no jerseys,

no hoods, no baseball caps.

We was confused
like a motherfucker.

We're like,
"What the fuck is going on?"

How can you have a race riot
with one race of people?

And we was fucked up.

We ain't never seen
no shit like this before.

And the crazy thing
about it was, it was, it was...

It started out
as a peaceful protest,

but the shit turned
into a all-night riot.

I think, by the end of the riot,
somebody jumped

in their car
and ran somebody over.

Somebody actually got killed
in the riot. It was crazy.

They had one dude out there,
he was leadin' a pack,

tellin' everybody
which way to go.

I'm sittin' at home, like,
"Shit, he must be

the crack of Luther King
of all this shit."

'Cause he just runnin' shit.

We ain't never seen
no shit like this before.

So everybody was like,
well, everybody was sayin',

"Well, why didn't black people
go down there and get involved?

Why didn't black people
go down there and get involved?"

I'm sittin' there, like,
"I'll tell you why black people

"didn't go down there
and get involved.

"First of all, they kicked
the march off on a Tuesday.

"We don't march
on no motherfuckin' Tuesday.

"We gotta get ready
to get all revved up on Tuesday,

"then you got to calm
the fuck down

"and go back to work
on Wednesday.

"That ain't how we work.

"You know how we do.

"We talk shit on Friday,

"send it to fuck off
on Saturday,

"calm down on Sunday.

"Go back to work on Monday.

That's our shit."

[audience cheering]

But they had
a motherfuckin' race riot

with all white people

on a motherfuckin' Tuesday.

And we was fucked up.

We ain't never seen
no shit like this before.

And from what I can gather,

here's what the race riot
was all about.

The lily-white people,
the pure-white people

are mad
at the other white people

for so many interracial
relationships that interact

that, that they feel like
they are losing

control of the country.

Well, here's all I wanna say
to the lily-white people

and the pure-white people.

"Ain't nothin' wrong
with off-white.

"Ain't nothin' wrong with cream.

"Ain't nothin' wrong with beige.

Ain't nothin' wrong with taupe."

Oh, no, there's a lot of taupe
motherfuckers in here tonight.

Ain't nothin' wrong with taupe.

Keep it real.
Taupe is winnin' right now.

Obama was taupe.

Drake, the rapper is taupe.

I used to think
Steph Curry was taupe

till I seen
that motherfucker jump shot.

I said, "No, this nigga's pure."

[audience cheering]

But ain't nothin' wrong
with taupe.

Ain't nothin' wrong with taupe.
The world we're livin' in...

This is what happens
in the world we're livin' in.

If you lovin' one another,
this is what happens

in the world we're livin' in.

Ain't nothin' wrong with taupe.

Think about it.

Buckingham Palace

just went taupe.

[audience cheering]

♪ They say
hold up wait a minute ♪

♪ Let us put some color in it ♪

♪ Ah ♪♪

That's right. That's right.

Buckingham Palace
just went taupe.

Prince Harry
just married Meghan Markle.

Uh, you know,
Meghan Markle is mixed.

Her mother's black
and her daddy's a nigga.

[audience laughing]

Well, I mean, he white,
but he did some nigga shit.

This motherfucker
faked a heart attack,

then fuck around
and had a real heart attack

and couldn't even go
to the wedding. What the fuck?

If that ain't some nigga shit...

[chuckles]

I ain't mad at the taupe.

I ain't mad at the taupe.
I am not.

I think we starting to do
more white-lady shit.

I think we are.

Black women, we startin'

to do more white-lady shit.

We startin' to do
more white-lady shit.

Look at Wendy Williams,
Wendy Williams fainted

on national TV.

Come on now,
that's white-lady shit.

Black women don't faint.
That ain't our shit. What?

You never heard
of no black woman faint.

Bitch, we don't faint.

The most we do,
we might buck our knees

at a funeral, bitch. Ha...

That's it. We ain't goin'
no further than that.

We went right
to the biscuit behind us.

[whimpering]

That's it.

Black women don't faint.

Bitch, we don't faint.

Even if we get woozy, bitch,
we make it to our car.

We'd be like, "Uh-huh, uh-huh,
get my pocketbook.

"Get my pocketbook.
Get my pocketbook.

"My sugar love. My sugar love.

Give me a banana.
Give me a banana."

Yeah.

Black women don't faint.
That's white-lady shit.

We don't faint.

Now, we might fall the fuck out.

And the difference in fall
the fuck out and faintin',

when you fall the fuck out,
usually when you get up,

a lawsuit is attached
to fall the fuck out.

[laughs]

When you fall the fuck out
on the way down,

you got your lawyer
on the phone,

"Bitch, I'm fallin'
the fuck out, bitch."

Ah. Well,
that's white-lady shit.

Rick Ross been doin'
some white-lady shit lately.

I've seen, I don't know, is it
me or it seem like every year

around income-tax time,
Rick Ross falls the fuck out.

What the fuck is goin' on
with Rick Ross?

Last year
his blood pressure was up.

This year he had a tummy tuck.

What the fuck is goin' on?
I don't...

[audience laughing]

[Sommore laughs]

No, that's white-lady shit.

Come on, you know
that's white-lady shit.

[laughs]

Ah... Oh.

My family,
we swirled the fuck out.

We got all kind of nationalities
runnin' through.

Oh, I think we don't have, yeah,
we don't have no Latino.

See, I think, here's the thing,
I think Latino women

are naturally sexy. Lati...
Ooh, yeah.

Naturally sexy.

If you don't believe me,
watch Telemundo.

Oh, bitch, you got to see
the women on Telemundo.

Everybody on Telemundo
got on tight shit. Tight shit.

Everybody wear tight clothes.

[all laughing]

Everybody wear tight shit
on Telemundo.

I accidentally
came across Telemundo.

I'm flippin' the channels
and shit.

All of sudden,
I see all the women on there

with tight shit on her,
I say, "What the fuck is this?"

I stop. I said, "I think they
sellin' pussy on Telemundo."

'Cause here's the thing,
I don't speak Spanish,

but I know
what sellin' pussy look like.

You know what I'm sayin',
I said, "I think

these women are sellin' pussy
on Telemundo."

Oh, they're naturally sexy.
Ha...

As a matter of fact, they had
one girl right on there.

Called herself the weather girl.

Now, she doin' the weather,

with real big ol' titties.

Her titties were so big,

that whenever she did
the seven-day forecast,

you never knew
what the weather was gonna be

on Monday and Tuesday,
'cause her titties covered up

Monday and Tuesday.

So...

And her nipple
lay right on Wednesday.

So you just go with the weather
for Thursday, Friday,

Saturday and Sunday

'cause Wednesday
was always nippy.

[audience laughing]

I think
there's not a, a racial group

that has more charisma
than black people.

No, no more, nobody has more
charisma than black people.

What? And if you ever,
and if you ever not...

If you ever don't feel
black enough, go to Atlanta.

Let me tell you something,
Atlanta is the blackest city

I've ever been to in my life.

Love Atlanta.

Atlanta's so black,

they play The Temptations
in the grocery store.

And see, most people
don't understand what I mean

when I say that.
They like, "What you mean?"

Think about it, most of the time

when you go to a grocery store,

they play elevator music,

music with no words.

But not in Atlanta.

You in Atlanta,
you grocery shoppin',

you standin' there,
you a little bit confused

'cause you can't remember
all the ingredients

to your world-famous spaghetti,
next thing you know,

you be like, "Is that
The Chi-Lites in this bitch?"

[audience cheering]

You fuck around,
you dancin' to The Chi-Lites,

you done
put all that salad back.

You got pork chops
in that bitch and everythin'.

Tellin' you.

Fuckin', I love Atlanta.

You know, 'cause we just
swagged out like that.

Here's what I love
about black people.

We are the most resilient race
of people ever.

I love that about us. What?
All the shit we've been through?

I love it.

I love how, I love how we just,

we just handle, we handle
the Trump administration.

See, black people,
we were so nervous

when Trump first got in office.

We were so nervous,
we wouldn't even speak about it

amongst each other.

It was just uneasiness.

I had a white girlfriend
ask me one day.

She was like, "Well,
why are black people so nervous

"about Trump bein' in office?

Trump hasn't said anything
about black people yet."

I said, "Let me explain to you
how it feels

to be black in America."

"After eight years
of the Obama administration,"

I said, "it feels like we are
in the middle of a Spades game.

"And for the last eight years,
we had the big joker.

Now we sittin' in this bitch,
we ain't got no Spades."

[audience cheering]

And the world is Trump tight.

That's right, we in this bitch.

We got a hand full of cards
with no Spades.

We just lookin' at our cards,
ah-h-h!

We don't know what the fuck
to play next. Ah-h-h!

But I'm here to tell you.

When you don't have no spades,
that's when you find out

what kind of player
you really are.

See, when you're a winner,
you win.

I don't give a fuck
who's in office.

When you're a winner, you win.

I'm a born-motherfuckin' winner.

I don't give a fuck
who's in office.

What? What?

What?

I play to win.

Shit, I'm the kind of person,
I renege with a straight face.

You gotta play that shit
with confidence. Ah-h-h!

That's right.

[chuckles]
But say what you want,
say what you want.

Trump runnin' this bitch.

Trump runnin' this bitch
like Death Row Records.

That's right.
Trump is Suge Knight 2.18.

And, bitch, anybody can get it.

Anybody can get,
anybody can get it.

We ain't never seen
no administration like this.

We ain't never seen
an administration so gangster.

We ain't never seen
or h-had an administration

motherfuckers done quit,
people done got fired,

motherfuckers done went to jail.

Trump cabinet ain't stable.

[chuckles]
Trump shit leanin'
like he bought it from Ikea.

Shit. You know that furniture
at Ikea, bitch.

You miss one motherfuckin' step,

that's a whole
another piece of furniture.

You be sittin' there like, "It's
supposed to be a bookshelf,

but this shit
leanin' like a motherfucker."

Ah. Trump runnin' this bitch!

Trump doin' shit
we ain't never seen before.

Do y'all know that Trump put
a travel ban on the country

with, against
certain Muslim countries?

Bottom line, Trump say,

"We can't have no company."

That's right, Trump put a travel
ban on the United States

against
certain Muslim countries.

Bottom line, Trump say,

"We can't have no company."

And the reason why
I can identify with that,

think back
when you was a little kid.

You knew your mother was fed up
when she told you,

"I don't want
a motherfucker over here."

I don't want a motherfucker
over, that's what Trump has told

the whole
United States of America,

"I don't want
a motherfucker over here."

Now, remember now,
we don't have no Spades.

We don't have no Spades.

So, black people, I know y'all
ain't still sittin' up here

with your Muslim names

when we got a travel ban
on the country.

Come on now. Shit!

Y'all remember back in the '80s,
everybody turned Muslim.

Changed their names,
stopped eatin' pork.

Started wearin'
Egyptian musk oil and shit.

Poofy's bean pies,
dashikis and shit.

You better not be walkin' around
here with your Muslim name

when you ain't got no Spades.

'Cause I know a dude
back in the day,

changed his name to one of the
hardest Muslim names out there.

He changed his name
to Omar Rahim Salam.

I called his phone
three weeks ago,

he answered that bitch,
"Timmy here."

I said, "My nigger,
that's what I'm talkin' about."

I said, "Trump took this nigger
back to Timmy."

You better not be walkin' around
here with your Muslim name

when we ain't got no Spades.

And, ladies,

y'all gonna have to wean
yourself off this hair weave.

Y'all gonna
have to let this weave go.

These women ain't gonna
keep lettin' their hair

come over here
when they can't come over here.

You walk around here
with all this Malaysian shit

hangin' down your back,

she's standin' at the gate
like this

watchin' her bang walk by.

We ain't got no Spades.

It's time to go back to cornrows
and afro puffs.

Get you some Sulfur8,
get your edges straight.

That's right.

We ain't got no Spades.

That's right.
And I'm tellin' you.

Trump, let me tell you,
Trump has a personal,

a personal agenda,
he got a personal agenda.

First of all, the motherfucker
keep promisin' us the wall.

He keep on promisin' us a wall.

Now, I done seen
all kind of Walgreens goin' up,

but, bitch,
I ain't seen the wall yet.

But he keep on promisin' us
a wall.

Well, think about it, he has a,

he ha-has
a very specific agenda.

Soon as he walked in, it's like
he walked in with a eraser.

Just trying to erase
all Obama shit. Think about it.

Soon as he got in, first thing
he tried to get rid of,

he got rid
of all the LGBT rights.

Got rid of the Iran-Contra
nuclear agreement.

Got rid of all that shit.
Tried to get rid of Obamacare.

I'm sittin' here, like,
"Shit, he ain't gonna stop

till he get custody
of Sasha and Malia."

[audience laughing]

Say what you want though,
the flyest thing about Trump,

the flyest thing about Trump
is his wife. Melania. Ooh!

Y'all might not like that bitch,
but that bitch be sharp.

Whoo! That bitch be sharp.

That bitch come out there,
that be so motherfuckin' sharp,

she only move her neck,
that bitch come out,

that bitch
like a goddamn vampire.

It's called corn fly.

And she got
the best poker face ever.

I'm talkin' about straight face.

And I like the way
she don't say shit!

And why
it's so impressive to me?

Here's why it's so impressive
to me that she never says shit.

I don't know
how many of y'all noticed,

but Melania speaks
five languages.

For you to be able
to speak five languages

and don't say shit?

I know motherfuckers
that don't speak good English

and won't shut the fuck up.

Don't say shit!

And come on, let's keep it real.
She married to Trump.

She married to Trump, you know
she done seen some stuff.

Don't say shit.

You know,
she done heard some stuff.

Don't say shit.

I'm sure
she done smelled some shit.

Hm, y'all can't tell me
Trump ain't came home

couple of nights smellin' like
he been in a storm...

Wait for it, wait for it.

The bottom line is,
Trump is not presidential.

He's just not presidential.

He's runnin' the country
like a business.

And that's just,
it is what it is.

He's not a politician.
He's a motherfuckin' celebrity.

But we livin'
in a celebrity-driven society.

We listen to Kanye West
and not Cornel West.

That's where we at.
It's where we are as a society.

Trump is probably
the pettiest motherfu...

He's too petty to be
the president. He really...

See, as the president, you gotta
be cool, calm and collected.

Shit can't rattle you.

Trump is a petty motherfucker.

Ain't going...
Petty motherfucker.

And the reason why I can
identify with his pettiness

is, guess why?
'Cause I'm a petty motherfucker.

I am, I'm a petty motherfucker.

I don't miss shit,
I don't forget shit

and I bring up old shit.

No, I'm a petty motherfucker.

And I tell you, yes,
I'm a petty motherfucker.

And I tell people, "Look,
you start some shit with me,

you better be ready
to go to the bus out, bitch."

'Cause I'm petty.

And I got a motto, if I cry,

everybody gonna cry.

Everybody gonna cry.

'Cause I'm a petty motherfucker.

And here's the thing, I don't
mind admitting that I'm petty.

I think if you don't admit
that you petty, then you phoney.

One thing I'm not,
I'm not phoney, but I am petty.

Lot of people have a problem
admitting they're petty.

But I got a test
for you to prove

if you a petty motherfucker.

Number-one test to find out

if you a petty motherfucker.

If you order shrimp fried rice,

and you count the shrimp...

youse a petty motherfucker.

You a petty motherfucker.

If you sit there and be like,
"Damn,

"they ain't given me
but eight shrimp.

And this
supposed to be a large."

You be tryin' to bring
other people in.

"This supposed to be a large."

Youse a petty motherfucker.

Come on,
you a petty motherfucker.

Somebody send you a picture
of their baby

and you notice
that the car seat is dirty,

you a petty motherfucker.

Somebody be like,
"Girl, look at little Mae-Mae."

And you be like, "Girl, no,
look at that goddamn car seat.

"Shit! That shit
dirty as a motherfucker.

He gonna need
a goddamn tetanus shot."

Oh, I don't miss shit.

I don't miss shit.

And I don't forget shit.
I don't forget shit.

I had a girlfriend of mine
borrow $200 from me last year.

Bitch tried to act
like she forgot, right?

Bitch called me,
"Girl, so how is Florida?

How's the weather down there?"
I said, "200 degrees, bitch."

[audience cheering]

"It's hot. 200 degrees, bitch."

Oh, yeah.
I'm a petty motherfucker.

I am, I'm petty.

And it's, and listen,
and it's hard.

It's hard being my friend.

I tell my friends. All, uh,
my friends already know.

It's hard being my friend.

But other petty motherfuckers
gonna feel me on this

'cause I got rules
and regulations for my friends.

If I don't fuck with that bitch,

we don't fuck with that bitch.

That's it! That's it.

Third-grade petty, bitch.

Third-grade petty.

If I don't fuck with that bitch,
we don't fuck with that bitch.

That's it.
That's right. I know it.

An-and listen, as I get older,

I'm tryin' to get out
of my pettiness. I really am.

I'm really trying
to get away from it 'cause I...

You ever hear people have say...

You ever hear people say
the saying,

"You could cut your nose off
to spite your face?"

Like, I've done that
so many times.

Like, I'm the kind of person
that'd do some shit like this,

so let's say,
I go to a soul-food restaurant.

Finally get up to the line,
I'm goin', I'm orderin' my food.

I'll be like, "Okay,
so let me get the fried chicken,

"let me get the collard greens,
let me get the rice and gravy

and give me some potato salad."

They be like, "Ma'am,
we out of collard greens."

I be like, "Damn, y'all ain't
got no collard greens?"

They be like, "No."
I be like, "Fuck it.

"I don't want nothin'. Fuck it.

"I don't want shit.
I don't want shit.

I don't want shit.
I don't want shit."

Then I'd get in the car
and be damn near, near tears,

tears, like, "Bitch,
why you just didn't get

"some string beans
or somethin' like that?

"Why the fuck you gonna try
to be the Rosa Parks

of motherfuckin'
collard greens?"

You know what I'm sayin'?

Just get somethin' else.

Yeah. I am.
I'm just a petty motherfucker.

I try,
I try to get over the pettiness,

but I can't, I can't.

I'm one of those people,
I'm addicted to drama.

Fuckin' love drama.
I do, I fuckin' love drama.

I'm addicted to reality TV.

The more they fight, bitch,
the more I watch.

I fuckin' love it. I do.

I'm sorry,
I love, I love drama.

I love the Internet.

But you have to tread lightly
on the Internet

'cause the Internet, let me tell
ya somethin' about the Internet.

Internet ain't nothin'
to be fucked up with.

It's really not.
The Internet and I-I would...

The thing about the Internet,
I hear people always say...

I said, "Were you on Facebook?"
"Well, I mean, I fuck with it.

But I ain't into it like that."

But you really into it like that

'cause you think
you ain't into it,

but you really into it
like that.

Let me tell you somethin',
the Internet and the Facebook

and the Instagram,
that shit will have you

in false relationships,

false beefs with motherfuckers,

false competitions.

And it's real simple
to get caught up in some shit.

Like, let's say
you post a picture

of your grandbaby, right?

And don't nobody like a picture
of your grandbaby.

Oh, you in
your motherfuckin' feelings.

You look at one of your friend's
page, you be like,

"Okay, so, bitch, you ain't like

"the picture of my grandbaby,
bitch? Really?

"Last week you posted a picture
of some potato salad, bitch.

"I liked your potato salad.

"But yet you didn't like
the picture

of my grandbaby, bitch?
Alright."

And just that quick,
you in some motherfuckin' beef.

You just in this,
and you just in this fantasy,

you in a beef with
the motherfucker. Real simple.

Easy to get caught up
on the Internet. Real simple.

Motherfuckers, do you ever see
people on the Internet go live

and they ain't live?

You done seen
motherfuckers go live?

They be sittin' in it like,
"I'm live, y'all.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!

"I'm live, y'all!

"Alright, I'm waitin'
for more people to come.

"I got two people.
Alright, I'm live, y'all.

Hey! Hey! Hey!"

Ain't nobody comin'.

"I'm live, y'all.

Alright,
I'mma wait on more people."

And you be surfin' the Internet,
you go past their page

'cause you see 'em talkin'
and being all animated,

you fuck around and go in there,
and they holler out your name.

"I see you, Belinda."
You be like, "Ah-h-h!

"Bitch, don't say my name.
Bitch, don't say my name.

"Bitch, I ain't in it like that,
I ain't in it like that.

Bitch, don't shout me out,
bitch."

Then the thing,
the thing that killed me,

the thing that killed me
is the motherfuckin' filters.

Oh! Grown people with filters
on their motherfuckin' face.

Everybody got the little halos
and shit.

The little flower halos

with the gray eyes and shit.

The one that killed me
is the goddamn dog.

I wish the fuck I would
put a dog face on my face.

I wish the fuck I would.

Here's what I'm scared of.

I'm scared I might look better

as a goddamn puppy.
You know what I'm sayin'?

I bet there's some cute-ass
motherfuckin' puppies on there.

You fuck around and look better
as a goddamn puppy.

You meet a little dude,
you be like,

"Yeah I'mma go past
the comedy show.

After this comedy show,
I'mma come past your house.

He be like, "Yeah,
but wear that little puppy shit

"you be wearin'
on the Internet and shit.

"You know, don't be afraid to
wear that little Internet shit

you be havin' on the Internet."

But you gotta be careful,
and you fuck around

and now he want you
to wear little puppy shit,

you go past the CVS to see
if they got any extra little

Halloween costume
layin' around and shit.

You all aggravated, "Y'all ain't
got no dog shit layin' around?"

"No, bitch.
It's June, bitch. No."

Right.

But here's the thing you gotta
remember about the Internet.

You got to remember
about the Internet,

the Internet
breeds group thinking.

It breeds group thinking.

And as a individual,
you'd never want to lose

your own individual thoughts.

Never want to lose
your own individual thoughts.

Think about that. It breeds,
it breeds group thinking.

'Cause you know, what you don't
wanna do is wake up one morning,

you a grown motherfuckin' woman

and you don't know
who the fuck you are.

It's what
you really don't wanna do.

About five years ago,

I started calling myself
a chandelier.

And here's why
I call myself a chandelier.

First of all,
I call myself a chandelier

because I'm not afraid to have

my own individual thoughts.

As a chandelier, the chandelier
is the one object in the room

that doesn't have to match
anything.

It doesn't have to match
the carpet,

it doesn't have to match
the drapes,

it doesn't even have to match
the furniture.

It just is what it is.

And as a chandelier,
you can turn on

every light in this bitch.

It takes nothing away
from the shine of a chandelier.

As a chandelier, I don't compete
with nobody else.

I don't hate on nobody else.

I'm so busy trying to be
the best me that I can be.

And when you do that,

you're livin' your life
on chandelier status.

That's right. Live your life
on chandelier status.

Live your life
on chandelier status.

And as a woman, I believe,

sometimes you gotta think
outside of the box.

Sometimes you gotta think
outside of the box.

In life, we get comfortable
operating right here.

And this shit might not be
working for us,

but we see everybody else
operating right here.

So we be afraid to take a chance
in doin' some shit

nobody ever seen
or heard of us doin'.

Don't be afraid
to think outside of the box.

I had a girlfr... That's right,
I had a girlfriend of mine...

Called me one morning,
crying like a motherfucker.

[crying]

I said, "What's goin' on, girl?
What's wrong? What's goin' on?"

She said, "Girl,
I'm just havin' so much drama

in my relationship."
I said, "What's wrong?"

She said, "I've been with David
for eight years."

She said, "We've been
living together for five years.

"We got three kids.
I know he loves me.

"He shows me that he loves me.

"I just don't understand

why he won't marry me."

I said, "Bitch, you got to think

outside of the box."

I said, "Marry that nigger
while he asleep."

"Marry the nigger
while he asleep.

"You know he love ya.

"He show you that he love ya.

"Marry that motherfucker
while he asleep.

"When he wake up,
you be dressed in all white,

"have a wedding band on his ass,
throw some rice on his ass.

"Be like, 'We did it, boo!

"'We did it, boo!

"We did it, boo!'

Marry that motherfucker
while he asleep."

Telling you,
think outside the box.

See, what women forget is
that men are human beings, too.

Sometimes they are
a little bit afraid, too.

Marry the motherfucker
while he asleep.

Now see, at first,
he gonna be a little confused.

But you gotta be convincing.

Convince that motherfucker
that y'all married.

He gonna go with the shit.
He gonna go with the shit.

You gonna hear him one day
talkin' to his boy,

he gonna be like, "Man, you know
me and Brenda are married now.

"We had no wedding, no nothing.

She married me one night
while I was asleep."

Now, his boy,
it's gonna fuck his boy up

'cause he ain't never heard
of no shit like this.

"Married you in your sleep?"

Then he gonna say
some ol' player-hatin' shit.

"Man, I told you
about sleeping on these hoes.

I done told you
about sleeping on these hoes."

Marry that motherfucker
while he asleep.

I see women laughing
'cause they know it's a joke.

But I done put some shit
on men mind.

Soon as they get in the car,
they're gonna Google that shit.

Can you marry a motherfucker
in his sleep?

Yeah. Marry that motherfucker
while he asleep.

And if y'all been in
a relationship for a long time,

he gonna bring this shit up
tonight

while y'all laying in bed.

He gonna be like, "Look,
I-I heard the little jokes

"Sommore was sayin' and shit.

"But you know I love you.
You know I care about you.

"I'm just trying
to work on my credit.

"Trying to get my CDALs
and shit.

[chuckles]

I love you. I'm gonna marry you.
Don't worry."

And motherfucker
gonna sleep like this,

"Don't be with that bullshit.

"I told you I ain't ready.

I told you I ain't ready."

[audience laughing]

Marry that motherfucker
while he asleep.

Marry him in his sleep.

But I love being a woman, I do.
I love being a woman. I do.

I love it. I love
every, every minute of it.

I love it 'cause I be,
'cause I be... Yes.

I believe, I believe, women,

as we get older, we get better.

[audience cheering]

Oh, yes.

As we get older, we get better.

As a matter of fact,
all the older women in the house

if you would,
the women 40 and over,

give the younger women
a round of applause.

Give them, all the younger women
a round of applause.

I lo... I...

Hey, I love loo-looking
at the younger women.

Here's what I love
about the women,

the younger women nowadays.

Younger women,
with all the technology

and all the fashion and stuff,
y'all have the hair thing,

y'all have the ability to look
like a whole another woman

every single day.

Let me tell you somethin',
when I was in my 20s, bitch,

we ain't have shit
but baby powder,

gel and deodorant.

Bitch, if you was ugly, you just
had to deal with that shit.

But y'all motherfuckers,
y'all are fly.

Y'all can have pink hair,
long hair, short hair, anything.

Y'all are fly as fuck.
I love that.

Love that about y'all.

Here's my only, here's
my only advice to younger women.

Slow down
on the plastic surgery.

And the reason why I say that
is because...

Yeah, slow down
on the plastic surgery

because plastic surgery

was originally designed
for older women.

Like, once you've matured
and you've had children

and you know,
a little shit gravity drops

and you wanna pick shit up
and put it back in place.

But now,
more and more younger women,

women in their 20s
are havin' plastic surgery.

And I'm sittin' here,
thinkin' like, "Bitch,

"you puttin' a alternator
on a new car.

"You ain't even
drove this bitch hard yet.

"You ain't even put the pedal
to the metal

"on that motherfucker yet.
You ain't...

"You know, you don't even see
what it can really do yet.

And you out here
havin' plastic surgery."

And my only thing is this, and I
want y'all to keep this in mind.

So you got out and buy
new titties and new ass.

But what you gonna do
when your other ass show up?

[audience laughing]

But what they don't know it,
older women,

they got
a whole another body comin'.

So you now went out
and bought a new ass.

What you gonna do
when your other ass show up?

You gonna be out this bitch
like a camel with two humps.

[audience laughing]

'Cause you got
a whole another body comin'.

And lady and all the women,
don't hate.

Don't hate. The shit look good.
Don't be hatin' on 'em.

Don't see 'em and be like,
"Oh, well, that ass ain't real."

Let me tell you somethin',
men don't give a fuck

if the ass is real or not.

Men'll... Men'll hit...

Men'll hit that bitch
with the price tag showin'.

[audience laughing]

He'll be hittin' you from
the back and go, "Oh, my bad.

"I think
your price tag came down.

I think
your price tag came down."

They don't give a fuck
if it's real or not.

And I'm tellin' you,
this shit look good.

Shit looks good.

Shit looks so good,
it's intimidating to some men.

All men are intimidated
by that shit.

They don't really know, they
don't really know what it is.

They don't know how old you are
'cause you look flawless.

Can't tell how old you are,
you look flawless.

They don't know if it's a man,
they don't know if it's a woman,

if it's a transvestite. They
don't know what the fuck it is.

So they be kinda confused like,
"What the fuck is it?

It's just too fuckin' perfect."

But not my uncle.
My uncle old-school G.

My uncle said,
"I ain't never confused

if it's a man or a woman."

He said, "If you wanna know
if it's a man or a woman,

"throw a basketball
at that bitch.

"If she catch that bitch
in mid air like this,

that's a man."

[audience laughing]

And for me, I'm never
intimidated by younger women.

And it took... I-it's the
mindset that you have to get in.

Here's why I'm never intimidated
by younger women.

'Cause I know things
about bein' a woman

that you don't even know,
that you don't know yet.

And guess what?
I ain't gonna tell you.

[audience laughing]

Some shit you just gotta
learn for yourself.

Ain't that right, older women,
you be sittin' there like,

"I done
seeing this movie before."

[audience cheering]

That's right.

And, older women, let me tell
you somethin', be ready there.

If you ever get in a argument
with one of 'em,

they gonna call you old bitch.

So don't let it
knock your socks off.

Now, the first time
they call you old bitch,

you gonna think they're talkin'
to a motherfucker behind you.

They gonna be like, they gonna
be, "Whatever, old bitch!"

You gonna be like, "Oh, bitch.
Well, who you talkin' to, me?"

That's right. Them call you
old bitch. Just be ready for it.

Just don't let it
knock your socks off.

But I'm never intimidated,
to be honest with you,

I'm excited about gettin' older.
I really am.

One thing I'm not looking
forward to is menopause, though.

Oh, I got a girlfriend,
that bitch speak like

menopause is a gang,
she be like,

"Bitch, you don't wanna be
fucked up with menopause."

I said, "Well,
what the fuck is menopause?"

She was like, "Ooh, bitch,

you don't wanna be fucked up
with menopause."

I said, "Well,
tell me about menopause.

What, what-what is it about
menopause?"

She said, "Well, first of all,

you're gonna have hot flashes."

I'm like, "Bitch, I'm in Florida
with leather pants on.

Bitch, I can handle
a goddamn hot flash."

[audience laughing]

What?

She was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then you gonna have
mood swings."

I'm like, "Bitch,
I can handle a mood swing.

Ain't shit, I can handle
a motherfucking mood swing."

She was like, "Yeah, but then
your sex drive gonna change."

I said, "What you mean by,
'Your sex drive gonna change?'"

She was like, "First of all, you
gonna wanna fuck all the time.

Then you ain't gonna want
no dick at all."

I'm like, "Hold on. Wait a
minute. Let's talk about that."

[audience laughing]

I said, "What you mean you ain't
gonna want no dick at all?"

She was like, "I'm telling you,
you gonna go through

"this one period in your life
where you gonna wanna

"fuck all the time.

Then you ain't gonna want
no dick at all."

Now see,
here's a thing about that.

And all of us in here have heard
older women, our aunties

and o-o-our aunts and our mom

say shit like,
"You know, well, you know

"I just don't want dick

like I used to want dick."

Now see, when somebody says that
to me that they don't want dick

like they used to want dick,
this is what I say to them,

"Well, when was the last time
you was around some dick?"

'Cause see, it's easy to say
you don't want dick

if you ain't been around
no dick.

And I ain't talkin'
about no lazy dick.

I'm talkin'
about some real dick.

So you can't holler out
you don't want dick

if you ain't been around
no dick.

'Cause to me, dick is a lot
like chicken wings.

You could be full,
but if somebody put a basket

of chicken wings
in front of you,

you gonna eat at least one.

[audience laughing]

You gonna sit there and be like,
"I don't even know

"why I'm eating...

"I just ate
a little while ago...

"I'mma take
the little wing part over there.

"Girl, I'mma just take the whole
motherfucker right there...

"I'm way over my calories
any motherfucking way.

Just give me
a whole another mother..."

So it's easy to say
you don't want dick

if you ain't been around
no dick.

So here's my theory about life.

And it don't mean shit
outside of this room.

This is just my theory.

Here's what I think
happens in life.

You know, as we get older,

our responsibilities change,
you know?

And you have all these things
on your, on your plate.

By the time you reach a certain
age as most of us in here,

you reach a certain age
where, now you got children,

you got grandchildren,
your parents are getting older,

you worryin' about retirement,
you, um, worryin'

about, uh, your bills,
your mortgage.

You got
all these responsibilities.

See, sex is 80% mental.

So if you have all these things
goin' on in your life,

you don't have...

Y-y-your mind is not on sex

like it used to be.

Think back when you had,
you didn't have

all these
motherfuckin' responsibilities.

You remember
who the fuck you were.

You was a goddamn beast.

Bitch, you could fuck all night.

You used to fuck
on a twin bed, bitch.

You remember your highlights.

You was beasty in this bitch.

You could hit six,
seven positions in one night.

You was a beast.

But now you got
all these responsibilities.

So now your life has changed.

And not only has all
your responsibilities changed,

guess what else has changed?

Your weight class has changed.

Oh, shit.

The average person has gained
at least 30 pounds

since the first time
you had sex.

I'm gonna use myself,
for instance.

I, uh, I gained
at least 30 pounds

since the first time I had sex.

I used to be bow-legged
back in the day.

I done ate to bow out of
these bitches a long time ago.

[audience laughing]

Come on now, 30 pounds.

Bitch, when you were
30 pounds lighter,

you could hit
all kind of positions.

But now
you done gain 30 pounds.

So you got to have
what I call heavy-set sex.

[audience laughing]

Now, before we go any further,
I know gotta readjust the room

'cause I feel some tension
in this, in this area over here.

[audience laughing]

I feelin' like in this area,
somebody got mad

that I told them
they're done, uh,

they done gained 30 pounds.

If you don't believe
that you gained 30 pounds,

go down and tie your shoe
and come up real quick.

You gonna be dizzier
than a motherfucker.

You gonna be like,
"Oh, my God, bitch. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, bitch. Oh, my God."

Come on now,
you done gained 30 pounds.

You at that age,
if you walkin' in the mall

and your shoe untied,

somebody holler out,
"Your shoe untied!"

you be like,
"Mind your business, bitch!"

"I'll tie it in the car."

You done gained 30 pounds.

So now you've got to have
what I call heavy-set sex.

With heavy-set sex, you gotta
get you two good positions.

You got to master
your two good positions.

Find you another motherfucker

that got two good positions.

Now y'all got
four good positions.

Get your two good positions.

Master your two good positions.

And every man in here
know what I'm talkin' about.

There's nothin' better
than a woman that has mastered

her two good positions

'cause every man in here
know the difference

between a woman that suck dick
and a dick-sucker.

[audience laughing]

You ain't got to do this
to no dick-sucker.

As matter of fact,
she will get mad. Ooh...

"Hey, you throwin' me off."

[audience cheering]

That's right.

Master your two good positions.

Then to keep it real,
I'mma keep it all the way funky

with y'all tonight.

By now,

you should be reaching
the levels of intimacy.

And by intimacy, I mean,

findin' out
what you really like.

Oh, you got to find out
what you really like.

'Cause one thing about when you
find out what you really like,

it don't take all night when
you know what you really like.

Let me tell you somethin',
in your relationship,

if you reach levels of intimacy,

y'all will have a bond
that's unbreakable.

That's why I'm never quick
to judge relationships.

You ever see people say,
"Oh, I see his wife.

Oh, I see his wife.
She don't look like his type."

I be like, "Oh, she might know
what he really likes."

[audience laughing]

Ooh, 'cause you'd be surprised

at the shit people really like.

Let a man take you to-to the,
to the level of intimacy

where you find out
what you really like.

Fuck your stretch marks,
fuck your rolls.

Let him take you there.

Like, one night,
when y'all are laying in bed

and y'all makin' love,

and, ladies,
right as you think it's over,

he grab you by the neck. "Oh!"

[audience laughing]

As soon as you get ready
to holler out,

"Motherfucker, is you crazy?"

he bite your nipple
at the same time, "Oh!

"Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That shit hurt, but it feel good
at the same time."

You be like, "Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God."

That shit hurt so bad,
you got your shoulder up,

"Oh, oh, oh, oh."

But it feel so good,
you fuck around

and go to work the next day,
shoulder still up.

"How you doin', darlin'?

"I saw your grandbaby
on Facebook.

She gettin' so big."

[audience laughing]

This motherfucker
got your shoulder up.

Bitch, you ain't never had
nobody have your shoulder up.

You done found some shit...

that you really like.

You done found some shit
you really like.

As a matter of fact, that become
your little callin' card.

One night
y'all have some great sex,

you walk him to the car
in the mornin',

you give him a little kiss, mm.
He be like, "You gonna miss me?"

You be like, "You know
I'm gonna miss you, ow!"

[audience laughing]

"You know I'm gonna miss you."

Find out what you really like.

You'll be surprised at the shit
you really like.

Like, one night, ladies,
y'all are laying in bed,

he tell you to grab his balls
with your left hand

and thump them bitches
with your right finger.

You ain't never thumped
no balls before.

[mouthing]
What the fuck?

You don't even know
if you're doin' the shit right.

You really wanna stop 'cause
it ain't doin' shit for you.

But you look up at him,
he lovin' that shit.

You done found
what he really like.

And you can tell
it ain't the first time

that he had his balls thumped

'cause it's tough like leather
up under the bottom.

Feel like a wallet
up under that bitch.

[audience laughing]

You found what he really like.

Like, I read a article,
I read a article that said

that couples that reach
that level of intimacy,

they usually stay together
longer than a average couple.

And here's the thing, I don't
think that they love each other

any deeper
than the average couples.

It's just that I think
they try to avoid that argument.

See, it's hard to argue
with a motherfucker that know

what you really like.

As a matter of fact, if you ever
over at somebody's house,

a couple's house,
and they've been together

for a long period of time

and they get into a argument,

do me a favor, just leave.

Leave, 'cause that's...
Listen, them...

They gettin' ready to say
some shit, y'all,

you really don't wanna hear.

Just leave.

Come on ladies,
y'all know how that shit start.

Soon as he come in the house,
you could tell he had a bad day

the way he slammed the door.
Bam!

He just start lookin' for shit.
Nitpicking.

"Man, why it's so hot in here?

"Why you ain't got
the window open?

You ain't lettin'
no air circulate."

He just nitpicking shit.

"You ain't even
fold the clothes up.

The clothes
still laying on the couch."

Nitpicking shit.
"The dishes still in the sink."

Then he say some old silly shit.

"You been out here
bein' all lazy."

That's where
you go the fuck off.

You be like, "Lazy?

"Motherfucker,
was I lazy when you wanted me

"to wrap a rubber band
around your dick

and thump your ball?
Was I lazy then?"

You be like, "Wow!

"Wow! Wow!

[mouthing]
Wow!"

He come back at your ass,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"You talkin' that shit,
but you ain't said our shit.

"You ain't say that shit
when I had you in a head lock

suckin' them
flat-ass titties, yo."

That's when the dog get up
and leave the room.

[imitates dog whimpering]

You just follow behind the dog.

"I'mma call y'all later.
I'mma...

I'mma call y'all later, y'all."

[audience laughing]

Find out what you really like

'cause you'd be surprised
at the shit people really like.

Though nothin' surprises me
anymore. Nothin' surprises me.

Think about
the Bill Cosby situation.

They accused Bill Cosby
of drugging women up

and while they're asleep,
he was havin' sex with 'em.

Right? Well, think about this.

His wife is still with him.

All these allegations,
his wife is still with him.

But think who was
his number-one supporter.

Two weeks into the allegations,

his wife did a press conference,
wife did a press conference.

And y'all know
Bill is married to Camille.

Camille is, is articulate,
eloquently speaking woman.

Black woman, very articulous.
Educated black woman.

Camille did a press conference
and spoke so eloquently,

she came to the podium,
she said,

"The man that you all
are speaking of

"in such a disparaging way

"is not the character
of my husband, Bill.

"Bill is a great man,
a pillar of the community.

"He has been a father
to national television.

"He's a great man in
the community and in my family.

"That is not the character
of the man

I've loved and cared for
over the years."

I'm sittin' at home like,
"Go, Camille.

"You better speak up
for your man.

You better speak up
for your man."

But now let's keep it real.

Bill is married
to a black woman.

And all that shit
sounds good in public.

But you know when she got home,

she let that motherfucker
have it.

I can, I can just envision
Camille ridin' home,

smokin' Newports...

practicing what the fuck
she gonna say

when she get in the house.

She came up in that bitch,
she slammed the door, she said,

"Guess where the fuck
I've been all afternoon.

"Out on these streets
defendin' your dumb ass.

"No, motherfucker, don't try
to calm me the fuck down.

"Thanks for makin' me
somethin' to eat

"and somethin' to fuckin' drink.
Thank you!

"But I've been out
on these motherfuckin' streets

"defendin' your dumb ass,
you let another bitch

"come out and say
you done put some shit...

[yawning]

"in their drink, makin' them
fall the fuck asleep...

"You got
my fuckin' family member...

[yawning]

"You got my motherfuckin'
family members callin' me...

[yawning]

[audience laughing]

"I see you're
up to your bullshit again.

"Go get me a blanket.

"And use a condom this time

'cause I don't trust your ass
that well."

[audience laughing]

[Sommore laughing]

Y'all, my name is Sommore.
Y'all been great.

Thank y'all. Thank y'all.

Thank y'all. Hey!

Thank y'all. Thank you.

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ Turn turn turn
the chandelier off ♪

♪ Watch the curtain go down ♪

♪ The real one
always gonna get it ♪

♪ She ain't gonna
never slow down ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ Sommore you a vet at this ♪
♪ Right ♪

♪ We shoot shots
you'll never miss ♪

♪ Them hoes better know
who they dealin' with ♪

♪ We ain't entertainin'
no goofy shit nah whoo ♪

♪ Saw us walkin'
this little trip yeah ♪

♪ Another Bal Harbour trip
yeah ♪

♪ Gucci store she legit yeah ♪

♪ I let her see you ain't shit ♪

♪ I say so she let me go back ♪

♪ Queen of comedy
you still hold that ♪

♪ Yeah yeah
everywhere they throw at ♪

♪ Sold out arenas
and they know that ♪

♪ Yeah yeah do you think baby ♪

♪ Far whip in lane
baby yeah yeah ♪

♪ You change your game baby ♪

♪ Things ain't been the same
lately yeah ♪

♪ Money money money money ♪

♪ Promoters callin'
price aware now ♪

♪ Money money money money ♪

♪ Next summer
we gonna do the ventra ♪

♪ Ton of shit ♪
♪ Stay rough ♪

♪ And watch the curtain
go down ♪

♪ The real one
always gonna get it ♪

♪ She will never slow down ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades yeah whoo ♪

♪ Turn turn turn
turn the chandelier off ♪

♪ And watch the curtain
go down ♪

♪ The real one
always gonna get it ♪

♪ She will never slow down ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪

♪ That's the queen
with no spades ♪

♪ Yeah whoo ♪
♪ Go ♪♪