Something Short of Paradise (1979) - full transcript

[jazz music]

[whistle blows]

[honking]

[speaking French]

[jazz music]

[woman]
♪ You try somebody else ♪

[man] ♪ I'll try somebody else ♪

[both] ♪ It won't take long
To find we're wrong ♪

♪ And we'll be
Back together again ♪

[woman]
♪ You try painting the town ♪

[man]
♪ I'll try acting the clown ♪



[both] ♪ Have a blast
But it won't last ♪

♪ And we'll be
Back together again ♪

[man] ♪ Let's take our fun
Where we find it ♪

♪ Though I know
Deep in my heart ♪

[woman]
♪ If I was meant for you ♪

[man]
♪ And you were meant for me ♪

[both] ♪ Nothing could ever
Keep us apart ♪

[woman] ♪ You try somebody new ♪

[man] ♪ I'll try somebody too ♪

[both] ♪ And when we do
We'll both be blue ♪

♪ And we'll be
Back together again ♪♪♪

[woman] ♪ You try somebody new ♪

[man] ♪ I'll try somebody too ♪

[both] ♪ And when we do
We'll both be blue ♪



♪ And we'll be
Back together again ♪

Now, there's...
That's the age-old thing,

I mean, L.A. versus New York.

It's just
where you want to live.

I personally happen to like L.A.

-It's another lifestyle, Edgar.
-That's very clear.

See? You don't see that kind
of thing walking around in L.A.

-Well, they're all in cars!
-Yeah, yeah...

How do you like it?

-[Edgar] This is it? Wow!
-Yeah.

He went all out this time.

[whistling]

[Edgar] It's... down here?

Yeah.

What the hell is this?
A restaurant?

Oh, it's French! He did this
for the premiere, huh?

No, no, it's always like this.

Jesus Christ...

-Harris...
-Harris Sloane?

Edgar Kent. Aztec Films.

I'll be taking charge
of Jean-Fidel.

Oh... right.

So... we're getting
all excited, huh?

[scoffs] You don't look
very excited.

Oh, no.
This is very exciting for me.

In fact, this is delirious,
right, Barney?

Oh, Harris is really excited
about this whole thing--

Okay, guys,
moving right along now.

His plane gets in at 4:10,

which means I want the limo
to pick me up no later than 2:30

'cause I wanna get out there
in time to check things out,

you know?

For dinner, well,
I've left it up to you guys.

Make it something nice,
though, huh?

You do have some
decent restaurants here, I hope!

And then, nothing is scheduled
'till the press conference

at one tomorrow, and let's
keep it that way, okay?

I mean, no friends of friends
bugging the guy, okay?

And that applies
right through Wednesday

'cause...
the premiere night, you know,

'cause I want him rested
for the rest of the tour, okay?

Any questions?

Yeah, uh, I've got a question.

What limo?

The limousine!

Uh, we're not budgeted
for a limousine.

[chuckles] Hey, okay,
we'll pick up the limo.

So, we wash each other's backs.

Aw, that's great, I love that.

"Wash each other's backs."
Isn't that nice, Barney?

Yeah, that's first-rate.

And, look, Harris.

-You mind if I call you Harris?
-No.

Look, Harris, it's really
important to me personally

that this tour go off smoothly,
you know?

I just want everybody
to have a good time! Huh?

Youhave a good time.

Hmm?

Come on, Edgar.
I'll show you around.

Hey, relax!
It's gonna be beautiful, okay?

Just let me take care
of everything, okay?

Relax!

Psh!

Kind of touchy, isn't he?

Well, he hasn't really
been himself

since he broke up
with his girlfriend.

[humming]

[romantic music]

[soft jazz music]

[woman] Where did you
and Ruthie meet?

[Ruthie] Oh, Maddy and I
were college cellmates,

if you can believe it.

That is until I dropped out
and she joined... What was it?

"Phi Gamma Globulin"? [laughs]

[Madeleine] Everybody
in the '60s was doing that.

-I mean, it was...
-[woman] Did you do that?

[Ruthie] No! She's so innocent!

[Madeleine] I'm not innocent!

Maybe I haven't always been
where the action is,

but I've been...

[indistinct chatter]

[woman] Madeleine, which do you
like better, D.C. or New York?

Oh, no, I'm from the state,
not the city, I...

[laughs] Actually,
I'm from Seattle.

Yeah, but don't let
her country ways fool you.

She is hot.

[laughter]

[woman] You're in New York
to become a journalist?

Um, no, no... [chuckles]
Not really.

I mean, if I had my dream,
it would be to write novels,

but, uh...

when Ruthie got me this job
at the magazine--

[Ruthie] Oh, please.
Really, it was nothing.

I merely made the editor
an offer he couldn't refuse.

[laughter]

It's no big deal, believe me.

You do not want his number.

-[laughter]
-[sighs]

Um, yeah, well, I also figured

that doing interviews
and everything would give me

kind of an ear for dialogue--

Oh, Mad, there's the guy
I've been dying for you to meet.

Donny!

-Donny Conrad!
-See, I really...

-I don't wanna meet anybody.
-Yes, you do!

No, I don't!
I'm... I'm hungry, actually.

I haven't had anything to eat
all day, so... excuse me.

Donny! Come here.

It's nice to see you.

Oh, you're so beautiful!

♪ I'm stepping out, my dear ♪

♪ To breathe an atmosphere
That simply reeks of class ♪

[humming]

See, the difficulty
isn't talking to strangers.

Yes.

You know, when you start
talking to people nowadays,

I don't know...

Their guard goes up,
and before you know it, it's...

Do you think
I'm trying to pick you up?

[laughs]

I'm not, I'm not.

I know it might have occurred
to you, but I'm not.

-You see, I couldn't.
-I...

-I wish I could, I wish I could.
-Oh.

No, I, I...

I don't mean to sound
"I wish I could,"

I just... It would embarrass me.

You know?

I don't know
why I say that, but...

I guess I'm old-fashioned,
you know.

Yeah, you know. Old-fashioned.
I'm straight.

-Aw, I, I...
-No, no, no... [chuckles]

-Not straight as opposed to...
-Bent.

-Bent! Yeah.
-[laughs]

Yeah, no, old-fashioned.
I'm old-fashioned.

You're also eating
the salad dressing.

Oh, yeah, yeah... Well, what
I like to do is, I like to...

I eat the salad dressing first,
you know, and then...

half hour later,
what I like to...

I like to get the lettuce,
you know? And I eat that dry.

And then,
I just kinda shake it up

and mix it up to...
specifications.

-[laughs]
-Want some?

-Uh... no.
-No?

[honking]

Am I going on and on? I...

-You?
-Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, it's not you, it's me.

Because I feel like you haven't
said anything for a long time,

-and I thought--
-Oh, no, no.

It's just because
when I try to impress somebody,

I usually get real clever,
and I blow it, so...

[laughs] Oh, come on!

No, honest, you see...

God, who has a heart
as big as all outdoors,

works in very mysterious ways.

He makes you meet
someone terrific,

and then he makes you say
something stupid.

-You mean, you're saying that--
-[man] Hey, baby!

-[kissing noise]
-Excuse me for a second.

Ah, you were talking
to me, weren't you?

Look, let me explain
something to you.

If you were walking
along the street

with your sister or your mother,

and somebody said something
like that to them,

you'd be very angry,
wouldn't you?

Of course you would.

So the next time
when you see a woman

walking along the street,
why don't you just think of that

and just bite your tongue?

See, you gotta embarrass
them back.

Oh, you embarrassed him
all right.

Yeah, because the next time
when a woman's coming along...

-[loud banging]
-...he'll be a little bit slower

to bully her.
You see what I mean?

-What were we talking about?
-[cat yowls]

Oh yeah, um...

You were saying
that you think...

...that you're gonna get killed.

You see, this is
a very dangerous neighborhood.

-It is?
-Oh sure.

I mean,
that man is either a killer

or an NYU professor.

-You never know around here.
-[Madeleine] How do you tell?

[phone ringing]

Hello? [coughs] Hello?

[Harris] Hi.

Hi. Who is this?

It's Harris.

Harris Sloane.

[Madeleine Oh, oh...

-Hi.
-I didn't wake you, did I?

What time is it?

Ah, it's about...

2:49.

In the morning?

You're up really early.
Is everything okay?

[Harris] Oh sure, sure.

This isn't too late
to call, is it?

Oh no, no, I'm...
I'm really glad that you did.

I wanted to talk to you.

So...

What are you doing?

I was just sleeping.

Yeah, that's right.
I thought you'd be sleeping.

Actually, I just called

to see if this
was the right number.

Oh.

Well, that was...
That was very thorough of you.

You know, 'cause a lot of people
might give out one number

and it turns out
to be another one.

You never know.
So I just thought

check it out.

[chuckles]

Yeah, no,
I'm really glad you did

because I just moved in
and I could have...

could've been
the wrong number, only...

...it wasn't.

No.

[chuckles softly]

Okay. So, uh...
I'll talk to you later.

[laughs]

Okay.

I'll talk to you later.

Goodnight.

[chuckles]

Goodnight.

You schmuck!

What a dumb conversation!

[sighs]

He's really crazy.

He's real cute,
but boy is he crazy.

[laughs softly]

So how long
were you two together?

Full cycle, seven years.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

[chuckles]
That's why it's so strange.

It's kind of like
a delayed adolescence,

being on my own.

I mean, you know,
living by myself,

dating, meeting lots
of new people.

Are you happy now?

Ah...

Well, yeah.

But I'm lonely

and I can't stand dating,

and meeting new people
drives me crazy.

Other than that it's great, huh?

Yeah. Other than that,
it's great.

Like meeting me?

Yeah.

It's over here.

But you know, you don't have to.

I mean,
you can just drop me off here,

you don't have to help me.

[Harris]
No, I don't mind, really.

Yeah, but I mean,
you don't have to.

If you want to, okay.

But I mean, I just want
to establish at the beginning

-you don't have to.
-No, I want to help, honest.

-[Madeleine] Okay.
-I don't mind.

-Really?
-Really.

[bus honking]

I don't think I want to do this.

-You said you wanted to do this.
-I know.

You said
you really wanted to do this.

-Yeah, that was me.
-I see.

So you're a guy
who goes back on his word?

Yup. Pretty much.
Every opportunity I can.

-I see.
-All right.

Ah, you putz.

So, you into bondage?

-I'm gonna be too tired.
-Okay.

You okay?

Yeah.

[Harris grunts]

So, uh...

This is the foyer.

And, um, here we have

the library-den area.

And the bedroom

right off of the living room,

off of the dining room
slash kitchen combo where...

right off of that
is the powder room,

you know, bathroom.

And here also is a storage area.

I like it.

-I like it.
-Yeah, it's a real step saver.

It's charming, really.

Yeah?

And it's all mine.

-Anyway...
-I'll put that up.

Okay. In spite of everything,

my parents always said
"The best is yet to come".

-Uh-uh.
-Yeah.

And corny as it may seem,

I kinda believe it.

-Really?
-Yeah. Cross my heart.

See, my parents always said

"The worst is yet to come.

If it hasn't happened yet,
it will."

[Madeleine] I think I liked it
better the other way.

[Harris] You're kidding.

[both laugh]

It looks great.

Yeah.

We oughta do this again
sometime.

-I don't think so.
-I don't either.

[chuckles]

I've gotta go.

You sure you

-don't want to join me?
-[murmurs]

No, I should stay and clean up.

It's an Indian film.

-[coughs]
-[laughs]

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

It's one of those, ah...

those great Indian films.

This kind?

No, no, no.

-This kind of Indian.
-Oh.

[both] Serious Indian.

No, I really have a lot to do.

Okay.

-Well, it looks great.
-Yeah.

I like my work.

You do good work.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-I'll see you.
-Okay.

[soft kiss]

I'm in big trouble.

[disco music] ♪ Love me ♪

♪ Baby please don't leave me ♪

♪ I tried to make it out here
By myself ♪

♪ I couldn't make it
And I need help ♪

♪ I tried to make it out here
All alone ♪

♪ I had trouble telling
Right from wrong, yeah ♪

♪ I needed someone
To see me through ♪

♪ That's about the time
I met you ♪

♪ I need a lover ♪

♪ Not a friend ♪

♪ That's about when you
Walked in ♪

♪ I don't know what I'd do ♪

♪ If you ever left me ♪

♪ Tell me how was I to make it ♪

♪ I don't know what I'd do ♪

♪ If you ever left me ♪

♪ My heart couldn't take it ♪

♪ I don't know what I'd do ♪

♪ If you ever left me ♪

♪ I sure would grieve ♪

♪ I don't know what I'd do ♪

♪ If you ever left me ♪

-[inaudible]
-♪ Baby please don't leave me ♪

♪ I fell in love with you ♪

♪ Overnight ♪

♪ I didn't know ♪

♪ If that was right ♪

♪ But after weeks and months
Of ecstasy ♪

♪ Getting hard... ♪

[Harris] Who was that?

[Madeleine]
Dave Richie, he works with me.

Would you like
something to drink?

Ah yeah, that'd be great.

What do you want?

Oh, um... I don't know.

Um...

-Wine?
-Great.

-White wine?
-Great.

-White wine.
-Two?

-Good.
-Got ya.

-[Harris inaudible]
-Hi.

Mind if I sit here?

No.

[Ruth] Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Nice way of...

You come here often, big boy?

-Oh hi, Ruth.
-Hey.

You were really shaking it up
out there.

-I kinda like that.
-Oh, thank you.

-Very nice.
-Oh, thank you.

Coming from a dancer like you...

Oh! Thanks.

Uh, where's Max?

Oh, well, I'm trying to ditch
that bozo.

Oh, I kinda like you
and that bozo.

[laughing] Oh!

Would you like to be
severely punished?

-[nervous laugh] No...
-Oh.

Not necessarily, no.

Would you please order me
some drink?

Ah, what would you like?

Vodka tonic.

Vodka tonic.

-Ah.
-Yes.

A vodka tonic,
and a vodka tonic.

-Two.
-Easy on the tonic.

Easy. Just put it in a paper bag

and bring it over for her.

Jesus, do I even like tonic?

Hey, pretty lady.

[romantic music]

[inaudible]

[nervous laugh]

Could I have some more wine?

Sure.

-Just a touch.
-[chuckles]

Good, 'cause a touch
is all it will take.

-Yeah.
-There you go.

-Thanks.
-[bottle clinks]

Whoops.

[swallows loudly]

[sighs]

[soft chuckle]

[soft chuckle]

-It's warm in here, isn't it?
-Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

[stutters]
I'm just not ready for this.

Uh... [nervous laugh]

Ah, I feel like a jerk.

It's embarrassing,
but I'm gonna go.

-I could button this up--
-No, no, no.

It's got nothing to do with you,

it's me, it's just that I need

things to go one step at a time,

and I just feel like
it's going too fast.

It's just, um...

I need things to go slower.
That's all. More slowly.

That's okay. I understand.

[laughs] Okay.

Well, goodbye.

Bye.

-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

You know, I think...

maybe I could, uh...

go a little faster.

A little.

Good.

You're exquisite.

You're lovely.

You're gorgeous.

You're luscious.

You're beautiful.

[laughing]

You're awake.

[laughs] Yeah.

How long have you been awake?

Um...

Since "you're fantastic".

-That far back?
-Mm-hm.

Did you hear:
♪ Pick yourself up ♪

♪ Brush yourself off ♪

♪ Start all over again ♪

Hm, that was great.

It's from Swing Time.

I like your mouth.

-My mouth?
-Yeah.

You have a great mouth.

Oh.

I can't really tell
what it looks like

'cause it's never shut,
but... [chuckles]

I think it's a nice mouth.

It doesn't shut?

It doesn't shut.

Hm.

Well...

That's good, too.

Good morning.

Hm. Good morning.

Madeleine?

[Madeleine] Yeah?

[Harris] I've got a great idea.

In fact, this might be
one of the best ideas

I've ever had!

You ready? Here it comes.

Why don't you
move in here with me?

I like it.

-What do you think?
-[chuckles]

I think you're crazy.

It's not a bad idea.

I just moved
into my own apartment.

I know,
but we've got this connection.

Harris, I don't want to talk
about it, okay?

You're upset.

No, I'm not upset.

I just don't want to talk
about it.

Look, I'm...

I'm on a break. I
just wanna relax,

and this is the way I relax.
I read.

[inhales and exhales deeply]

You read?

Well, I wanna read.

In fact, there's something
I've been meaning to read

for such a long time,
and I think

this is exactly the right moment

to do that reading.

Gee whiz.

Ah, this is great.

I should have read this
a little earlier.

"Nabisco Shredded Wheat.

No added sugar.

The natural goodness
of whole wheat."

Ah, this is great!

That's very nice.

"Good source of bran, fiber..."

Ah, that's just great.

Oh, this is interesting
right here.

If, uh, two people
like each other,

why don't they live together?

You know, Madeleine,
what I really hate

are the silences.

They drive me crazy.

I hate silences.

[sighs]

I love silences.

You love them?

Yeah.

You see, when I'm talking,

I at least know
what one of us is thinking.

You see,
when none of us is talking,

I don't know
what you're thinking.

I know.

Well, I don't understand
why you're so upset.

All I suggested
was that you move in.

All I suggested was...

I don't wanna talk about it.

That doesn't mean
it's a bad idea.

[stirs cereal]

[jazzy music]

Hi David.

You coming or going?

Ha. A little bit of both.

You look great.

False perm.

-Sure, I'm the one who's--
-[knocks on glass]

...but is Harris gonna be there?

Well sure
we're gonna cover it, Barnes.

Jean-Fidel Mileau's a big star.

Yeah. No, I just got it
this morning, Barney.

Yeah,
I'm looking at it right now.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

[grunts]

Sure.

-One o'clock tomorrow.
-[groans]

[spitting]

-Yeah.
-Ugh!

-[spitting]
-No, it's all right.

-They will have someone there.
-Does anybody have any, um...

gum, or any...?

-[George] Right. Thank you.
-Ugh!

-[George] Buh-bye.
-What is that?

Oh, I don't believe
you did that to me.

-Think of it as a diet drink.
-Oh, I don't believe it!

-I drank it.
-[chuckles]

What's this?

Um...

It's the stuff
from this morning.

Miss Venezuela Annie
has the pictures.

-Ugh.
-How'd it go?

Oh, she's 18,
absolutely beautiful.

Very poised. Perfect body.

And, uh, sweet.

She genuinely loves everybody
and everything.

And I want to punch her
right in her big, perfect teeth.

I don't understand why you gals

like these foreign film stars.

You still wanna cover it?

-Harris will be there.
-It's tomorrow at one, right?

Right.

I don't want you
running off to Paris or anything

with that Frenchman.

Spent too much time
training you.

Yes, dad.

'Course it's not fair.

But who says anything's
supposed to be fair?

I mean, I figure,
where else can I meet a guy

who wouldn't try to rule my life

but at a Human Potential
workshop, right?

Ruthie, look.

It's getting better.

And you know
those sayings, uh...

"I've got my space,
you've got your space."

And I figure, oh good,
no worries, no hassles.

And I'm having eye contact
with this gorgeous guy

and I'm thinking,
"Haha, if I do my thing

and he does his thing,

unfortunately, while my thing

is a romantic walk
along the beach

like in the official Human
Potential weekend brochure,

his thing is sitting at the bar

crushing beer cans
against his forehead."

I'm not happy.

Oh, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

So I say to him, "Sam,"
his name is Sam,

"Sam, you are a big jerk.

You are the biggest jerk
that I have ever gone out with."

And he says, "Ruthie,
I really dig your honesty,

but I am not in this world

to live up
to your expectations."

And I say, "Look, Sam.

I am not in the mood
for a marathon.

I'm hungry,
I'm having a lousy time,

you ask me out for dinner

and I end up with a bowl
of salted nuts.

What am I, a chipmunk?"

To which he replies,
"You are you and I am I,"

which is not exactly an answer
when you are starving.

So I got up and left.

The next at the workshop
everybody calls mehostile

because I'm so judgmental.
Me, judgmental.

Can you believe that?
Do you think I'm judgmental?

-Mm-hmm.
-Damn straight.

It's known as having taste.

I don't know, maybe
I'll go back to my analyst.

I thought of going gay,

but when you come
right down to it,

aren't women really
as ridiculous as men?

Well, I'm glad I could
just drop by here

and pour my heart out
to you, Ruth.

Do I detect a note of sarcasm?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm seeing Harris tomorrow
and I'm twisting.

A date?

[Madeleine]
No, a press conference.

Romantic. [snorts]

[sarcastic] Ha-ha.

Look, I'm gonna go shopping,
do you wanna come?

[Ruthie] Clothing?

No, food. I'm gonna eat myself
into a stupor.

You two are the weirdest couple
I have ever seen.

[water running]

Hey! Your door's unlocked!

Barney, you scared me!

And you know your phone's dead?

You don't have to scare me
half to death

to tell me that, do you?

[Barney] We don't have
much time!

We've got to pick up Edgar,

and we gotta get out
to the airport.

Why's your phone dead?

What's that, Barn?

Try to hurry up,
Harris, will you?

I don't want to keep
Jean-Fidel waiting.

[Harris] All right, I'm getting
dressed as fast as I can.

Why don't you go into hiding?

Ever since you
and Madeleine split up,

you've been impossible.

Not very adult.

Oh, since when are you
my grown up?

I don't need you
to look after me, Barney.

I can look after myself.

You know, when you run a place
of business, Har,

or just work with other people,

you gotta realize
that your moods

affect the people around you.

What are you doing?

Um... Just fixing the phone.

[fabric tearing]

[Harris] Barney,
there's no one here.

And you can hardly see it.
It's that small, really.

[PA] Pan Am flight 145 from
Paris now arriving at gate 7.

[sighs] Jean-Fidel,
can you believe it?

This is the most incredible
day of my life!

I'm sure it is.

[Edgar] Shit.

Hey, does he speak English?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Hell, no. I can't be expected
to know everything.

You're an advance man, Edgar,

you're expected to know things
in advance.

Come on, you guys!

Don't worry,
'cause I can always translate.

I happen to be
pretty damn fluent.

[chuckles] Oh, God...

[Harris] Will you recognize him?

[Edgar] Of course.
I've seen all his pictures.

[Harris] I know, but they look
different off screen.

-[Edgar] I know!
-He's probably taller...

[Edgar] They're usually smaller.

[Barney] There he is!

[Harris] That's him
with the sunglasses.

-[Edgar] Who?
-[Harris] That's the guy.

-That's him.
-[Edgar] You're right, it is!

[man] Thank you.

[Harris] Monsieur Mileau?

This is Barney Collins

-Hi.
-I'm Harris Sloane.

Hello, nice to meet you.

-And I'm Edgar Kent.
-Hello.

[Edgar] Uh, bonjour, monsieur.

Uh... [tries to speak French]

Why does he call me
a baby tooth?

-A baby tooth?
-Yes.

I don't know.

Why did you call him
a baby tooth?

I... I was just trying
to say hello, I...

He was just trying
to extend greetings.

Tell him thank you.

He says thank you.

Now, listen,

is there a phone booth
somewhere around here?

Over here, monsieur.

I must make a call.

-Excuse me.
-Of course.

[PA] Attention, Ms. K.
Hopkins,

please report to passenger
information desk.

Isn't he incredible?

Oh, yeah.
I'll take that, Barney.

Who is he calling?

Maybe a baby dentist.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jean-Fidel.

-[excited chatter]
-[cameras clicking]

Thank you.

Hello, New York.

Welcome.

Excuse me.

[overlapping conversations]

I don't understand a word
of what you're talking about.

-Mr. Fidel.
-Thank you.

-Another close-up, please?
-With pleasure.

Sorry, no more.

-Mr. Fidel...
-[Barney] Thank you very much.

[beep]

[Ruthie]
Hey, Maddy. Dinner tonight?

Alvin's inviting someone over
who I want you to meet.

You better call me.

[beep]

[George] Maddie? Christ,
I hate these machines.

Uh, about your Miss Venezuela
piece, call me.

Damn these machines!
Get rid of it.

And don't forget the Jean-Fidel
press conference

tomorrow at one.

[beep]

[Mrs. Ross] Hi, Maddie?
This is your mother.

Your father and I are going
to Disneyland next week.

Please call and tell us
what rides to go on.

Bye!

[beep]

[low-pitched beep]

[phone ringing]

[Madeleine] Hello.

This is Madeleine Ross.

I'm not in right now,
but if you'll--

-[Harris] Yes, she is!
-Oh, great.

I don't believe it.
Go take your shower.

-Hey, can I try that?
-No, you can't.

This is my machine.
If you wanna try,

you go get your own machine.

-No, I hate those things.
-Well then, don't touch this.

Oh, come on!

Let me be your guest announcer.

[laughing]

Please.

-All right.
-Okay.

But you have to promise
you won't screw it up, okay?

-Screw it up?
-Yes.

-Moi?
-[chuckles] Hm.

No chance.

-Wait a minute.
-Okay.

-Are you ready?
-Hallo? Hallo?

-Yeah. Oh wait.
-[chuckles]

-Okay?
-Mm-hmm.

Hello.

Madeleine Ross can't come
to the phone right now

because we're making love.

God, you're such a baby.

However, if you leave your name
and your phone number,

we'll get back to you
right after we're finished.

In 30 seconds.

Ooh, nasty.

-Very charitable.
-No, I'm not finished!

-Hey, come on.
-Oh, come on. Just one more.

I want to erase this
because my mother's gonna be--

[laughing]

Oh, I can feel
your stomach vibrating.

That's supposed to be
my heartbeat.

Oh, you must have a pacemaker.

-Hey, Maddy?
-Hm.

I love you.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

[sentimental music]

I'm...

I'm right now

actively

loving you, can you feel that?

-Can you feel me loving you now?
-Yeah.

I'm not talking
infatuation here,

-I'm talking--
-Lust.

Oh, lust? Is that
what I'm talking about?

Lust. The big "L".

-Me?
-Yeah.

And since you're talking...

talking...

Hmm...

I feel another vibration.

[both giggling]

-[phone rings]
-Oh, shit!

Oh, wow!

Oh, no!

Hello?

[giggling nervously]
Yes, hi, mom.

[whispering]
Go take your shower.

What? Nothing. Nothing, nothing.

[tsks] Why is it whenever
I laugh

you think something's wrong?

[upbeat music]

[Harris] You know, we're missing
Spellboundtonight?

[Madeleine] It'll be on again.
Come on, this'll be fun!

Is that, uh...

that guy from your office,
that David character,

is he gonna be there?

Probably, why?

Does he know that
we're seeing each other?

I hate parties.

No one ever enjoys themselves
at parties.

They're just... not fun.

All you so is sit around
and hear a lot of small talk.

I'd like to go to a party
where you sit around

and you have some big talk.

Look, I don't make a fuss

when we go out to your movies.

Because you sleep
during my movies.

I do not!
Only when they're boring.

Movies aren't boring.
Life is boring.

Movies are... real.

Let's just call a truce, okay?

Great, I'll just
go to the party,

I'll just sit around,
anyone comes up to me,

I'll small talk.

[Madeleine] Look at
this house! It's gorgeous!

I don't need a car really,
in New York, know what I mean?

So if I sold it...

well, I figure it'll give me
that much more money,

a little more independence.

You think you have enough there?

Yeah.

So how much you think I'd get
for it, really?

It's the psychopaths
who are screwing everything up:

the city,

crime,

politics,

sports,

you name it.

You know why?

Do you know why?

Why?

Because they're crazy,
that's why.

[Madeleine] It's such a cute
little car.

-[Ruthie] Cute doesn't run good.
-Hi.

Oh, hi.

So you made it.

Yeah, I guess I did.

-See you later.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

Gosh. Ruthie Miller,
Dave Richie.

Oh, God. [tuts]

Have you been here before?

No, this is
my first time really.

-It's a fabulous place.
-Oh, it's great.

-Beautiful.
-Can I show you around?

Sure, thanks.

You know...

my wife says

that I get very boring
when I get drunk.

Am I boring you?

No. No, no.

Then I'm not drunk yet.

-[laughs]
-That's really funny.

I tell you, they're all junkies,
believe me.

-[Harris] Hey, Ruthie!
-Harris, hi!

-Hi, how are you doing?
-Oh, mwah.

-Hi!
-What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm good friends
with Martin.

Who's Martin?

Maddy's publisher,

he's the one giving
this shindig.

Oh.

See, I don't know
anyone here at all.

What am I, chopped liver?

[both laugh]

-It's good to see you!
-Same here.

Hey, where's Madeleine?

Would you like to take
a little walk?

-Me?
-Yeah.

-Walk?
-Yeah.

-Sure.
-Yeah.

The sun's starting to set.

Mm.

[giggles] What do you want me
to say, Harris? Huh?

You two are gonna end up riding
off into the sunset together?

You have to understand
where she is coming from.

Didn't she tell you about Craig?

Yeah.

So then you know what kind
of a son-of-a-bitch he was.

She told me they had
a terrific relationship.

Terrific? For him.

He couldn't commit himself.

The closest thing he ever came
to giving her an invitation

to L.A. was, "Come on out,
if you feel like it."

-You're kidding?
-No.

I'm making it up.

So, uh...

what do you think
I should do, Ruthie?

[laughs]

Harris, I am not talking
about you!

I'm talking about Madeleine.

But, for starters, you could
tone it down a little bit.

Tone what down?

You're a very intense person.

-I'm not intense.
-You're not intense?

You are the most intense person
that I have ever known.

She has a tough enough time
as it is

-without some jealous guy--
-Jealous?

-I'm not jealous!
-You're not jealous?

-Uhm-uhm.
-Okay.

Suppose she decided to go out
with that guy, David, tonight.

-She wouldn't.
-She wouldn't?

No, see, you don't realize.

I'm very understanding.

And I'm sensitive.

-Oh.
-I'm sensitive.

And I'm understanding.

What a guy, I envy you.

I'm kinda now, you know.
I'm kinda seventies.

I'm open...

-[amused sigh]
-Very upfront.

And...

-I'm a Leo.
-And... you're jealous.

Well, does "sorta involved"
mean sortainvolved or...

sorta involved?

[giggles]

Uh, involved.

Uh... sort of.

I like your hair.

[clicks tongue] Oh, you know,
I should cut it,

-or perm it or something.
-No, no, no.

-No, it looks beautiful.
-Thank you.

Why don't I get us
some drinks? Okay?

I'll get them, okay?

Just stay right here.
Don't move.

-Okay.
-Be right back.

Don't move. All right.

Hey.

-Hi.
-[taken aback] Hi.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. Nothing. I just...

I figure I owe you an apology.

-You know, in the car.
-Oh, no.

No, no. Really. I--

Is something wrong?

No.

Well... Are you sure?

Yes.

well... anyway,
what's been going on with us

in the car, we got a lot
to learn about each other and--

-He returns with good cheer!
-Thank you.

Hey, we're talking here!

-Do you mind?
-[glass shatters]

Jesus.

[Harris humming]

Doo, doo, doo...

You know,
when you come down to it,

for a party, it wasn't that bad.

[continues humming]
Doo, doo, doo, doo...

Are you upset about something?

Look, Maddy, if you got
something on your mind

-I wish you'd say it--
-You're a shit.

-Coming up?
-No.

I had a wonderful time.

Get your hands off the car.

-Thanks for a great evening.
-Get your hands off the car.

Will you call me tomorrow?

Get your hands off the car.

She'll probably call tomorrow.

Man, I hate parties.

Hello?

[voicemail] Hello,
this is Madeleine Ross.

I'm sorry,
but I'm not in right now,

or else I'm unable
to come to the phone.

So if you just leave
your name, your number,

and any message
at the sound of the tone,

I'll get back to you
as soon as possible.

Thank you very much.

Hello, Maddy?

Madeleine, if you're there
I wish you'd just say something.

I know you're there.

Madeleine, please. Just--

If you just talk to me.

Look, I'm not gonna have
enough time to say anything

on this damn machine.
I hate machines!

If I wanted to talk to a machine
I'd call IBM.

I've been trying all week
to get tickets

to the Cuban ballet,
it's impossible.

I'm into cars.

Oh. Oh.

They say cars
are phallic symbols,

which is fine by me

because I've got
a really fine car.

It's blue.

♪ You out there
Recall the last time ♪

♪ That you said goodbye
To someone you loved ♪

♪ And never see them again ♪

♪ And you never will ♪

♪ The lucky ones
That can forget ♪

♪ Are better off to live ♪

♪ And let the past be gone ♪

♪ The rest of us
We pay the price ♪

♪ We pay it dearly
All our lives ♪

-♪ When we return to ♪
-♪ When we return to ♪

♪ When we return to ♪

♪ When we return to ♪

♪ Something short of Paradise ♪

♪ Something short of Paradise ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ Something short... ♪

[voicemail] So if you leave
your name, your number,

and any message
at the sound of the tone,

I'll get back to you
as soon as possible.

Thank you very much.

♪ Of Paradise ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

[call tone]

[phone ringing]

[lively music]

You told me to get this perm,
so what do you think?

Honey, I love it!
I think it's great.

-Yeah, but is it me?
-Yeah, sure, it's you.

But is it really me?

It's really you.

Really, really?

"Really, really"?

Well...

Honey, I love it. I really do.

-I think it looks great.
-Yeah, but is it me?

Is it really me?

-It's really you?
-Really, really?

Yeah, now I don't-- No.

Why not?

Okay, it's really you.

-I love it, I do!
-You told me to get this perm.

-It's gotta be really--
-Hey, one of you wanna dance?

-I will.
-Yeah.

Come on.

[music continues]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[doorbell]

[doorbell]

[doorbell]

[grunting]

[doorbell]

-[doorbell]
-I'm coming.

[doorbell]

[doorbell]

Hello?

[sighs]

Who is it?

It's me.

Harris, I wanna talk to you.

-Come in.
-[Madeleine] No, come out here.

I wanna talk to you right here.

We could talk in here--

I don't wanna talk
in your apartment,

I wanna talk to you out here.
Somehwere where it's neutral.

Okay.

-Let's talk.
-No, I'm gonna talk to you.

You are going to listen.
This is going to be

a completely unique experience.

Would you mind? We're having
a private conversation.

Yes, I would mind!
Do you know what time it is?

-You know what time it is?
-I don't care what time it is!

Look, I'm sorry
about all of this,

What do you mean, you're sorry?

Why are you apologizing to them?

Why don't you apologize to me?

I didn't mean it to them.
I mean it to you. I'm sorry.

-All right.
-It is 5 o'clock in the morning!

-We know that.
-That's what time it is.

Well great, then why don't you
just go to bed?

Why don't you go
to your own apartment?

-I don't want to go!
-Go to your own apartment!

-Go, go, go!
-Hey, get your hands off me!

You schmoock!

-No, that's "schmuck".
-Schmun...?

-Schmuck.
-Schmuck.

I'm sorry,
she's from out of state.

She meant to say "schmuck",
"you schmuck".

You're...!

You perverts!

You can't talk like that
in front of my wife!

If we're perverts,
we can say anything we like.

That's the right of perverts.

[snickers]

[man] You think you're funny?

-That was pretty funny.
-Mildly amusing.

I'm calling the police!

The police would never come out
at this hour.

Yeah, you're a real wise guy.
A real wise guy!

Here!

You're really asking for it!

-Back! Back!
-Poke him!

-Back! Back!
-Harris...

-It's dangerous.
-[woman] Poke him!

-Ha!
-[Madeleine] Oh!

And so, to end the refrain...

thrust... ha!

[gasps in pain] God!

Oh...

Ah... I'm sorry
about the umbrella.

I'm sorry about your leg.

I'm much more sorry about my leg
than the umbrella.

Yeah, I can see
why that would be.

Maybe you should walk on it
a little bit.

[gasps] I'll try.

It was real dramatic, though.

-Did you see how manly I was?
-You were very manly.

Kinda dumb.

[Harris] But manly.

-[Madeleine] Yeah.
-[Harris] That's what happens

-when I get...
-[Madeleine] I had no idea...

[door locks]

[Harris laughs]

What do you expect of people

who have a smile button
on their door?

-That still hurt?
-A little bit.

Well, here. Why don't you
walk on it, loosen it?

-You wanna lean on me a bit?
-Oh, my pleasure.

[both laugh]

[Harris] You think
they sleep in those robes?

I think they do everything
in those robes.

[Harris]
I think you're right. Ooh.

-[Madeleine] Better?
-Yeah, much.

I can't believe I tried to break
that umbrella on my knee.

[both laugh]

[sighs] God.

Shit, I missed you.

-I missed you.
-Yeah?

[tuts]

[sighs]
Why can't we just be together

and have a good time?

Well, I want to.

I told you from the beginning
that I...

that I just have to take it
one step at a time.

Maybe we could...

just...

not talk
about what's gonna happen.

Okay. Let's do it.

-Yeah?
-One step at a time.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I'm no schmuck.

[laughing]

[Harris] Yeah.

[Madeleine]
Yeah. They're making umbrellas

much harder than they used to.

I mean, that could have
something to do with it.

[Harris] Could have been it.

[Madeleine] You were just born
out of your time,

that's the poem that--

[woman]
♪ You try somebody else ♪

[man] ♪ I'll try somebody else ♪

[both] ♪ Won't take long ♪

♪ To find we're wrong ♪

♪ And we'll be
Back together again ♪

[woman]
♪ You try painting the town ♪

[man]
♪ I'll try acting the clown ♪

[both] ♪ Have a blast ♪

♪ But it won't last ♪

♪ And we'll be
Back together again... ♪

Oh...

-Cold.
-Yes.

I hate it.

-What?
-I said I hate it.

I told you I was gonna hate it,
and I hate it.

It's... I don't know what it is.

It's the fresh air.
I hate fresh air.

It makes me sick.

-[laughs]
-It does!

It gets in your lungs.
It's not good for you.

It's not.

Who told you that?

I know it. I learned that
somewhere.

You're crazy.

[music continues]

Oh...

Sloane?

Sloane, Sloane, Sloane...

-Sure your name's not Soames?
-We made reservations.

I know, I know.
Took the call myself.

Just can't find your card.

I wanna take a shower.

[man]
Well, you can't have a shower

unless you've got a room.

And I can't rightly give
you a room

unless you've got a card.

We made reservations,
you took our deposit.

And I'll give you
your deposit back

if I can't find your card.

How about another room?

Can't give you your own room,
let alone another.

Tourist season, you know?

How about another card?

Nope. Like to, but I can't.

Each card's a room.

And if there's no cards,
there's no rooms.

Can't just make up a new room
with pencil and paper.

[chuckles]

I'll tell you
what I'll do, though.

I've got a sister
runs a room and house

over on the other side
of the island.

[peaceful song]

Lucille?

Yes?

-Your brother called about--
-About the room?

Oh, the Soamses.

-That's right.
-No.

Ah... Well, come in.

[both] Thank you.

Soames?

[both sigh]

[Madeleine shrieks]

[song continues]

[dog barking]

One, two, three.

[both laugh]

[birds chirping]

[Madeleine gasps]

-Hey Mad.
-Mm-hm.

Wanna get married?

I don't believe
you're doing this to me.

Doing what to you?

All I said was
"Do you want to get married?"

Harris, you promised me that
you weren't going to bring up

-anything about the future.
-Madeleine, I'm tired

of my promising everything.

I have to do the promises,

I have to do the compromising,

I have to play
by your rules all the time!

Right, right.
I'm the selfish one

all the time, right?

God, you sound just like Craig.

I'm not Craig!

I'm not Craig!

I'm not anything like Craig!

He's someone else entirely.

I'm me and he's him.

You got a problem with him,
you got a problem with him.

If you've got a problem with me,
it's me.

I've got a problem
with me, okay?

Well, straighten it out!
I'm tired of waiting.

Well, I'm trying to do it
as fast as I can!

You keep pushing me
all the time.

-It's not fair!
-I'm tired of being fair!

Look, Madeleine.
You don't want to commit

to shit, let's face it.

You just kind of expect me
to hang around.

-No.
-Are you waiting

-for someone better?
-Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You're no prize yourself,
you know that?

You're no prize yourself.

-Try to understand--
-No, you try to understand

for a change, all right?
You try and understand.

All I said you to was
"Let's get married".

You didn't even give me
the courtesy of a "no".

You insult me, you hurt me,
and I'm sick of it.

I hate it!

I hate it!

-Where are you going?
-I don't know!

Hey, look, all I want--

Madeleine, you don't know
what you want. Let's face it.

You don't know what you want.

You've got 10,000 theories

but you don't know
what you want.

All right, I don't know
what I want! I know I don't!

I keep telling you that!
How can I make a commitment?

Look, if two people
love each other, then--

There's more to a relationship
than just being in love.

Like what?

You really mean that, don't you?

I mean, you think that if...

that if two people
just love each other,

then that's enough, huh?

What do you want to hear,
it's not enough?

Nothing ever works out?

If it's not perfect,
then forget about it?

Don't even try and
make a relationship work?

I have tried to make
a relationship work.

-This is a different one!
-It doesn't feel like it!

But it's different!

All right, you win.
You've got it.

You win.

What?

Goodbye.

[melancholic music]

If you really loved me, you...

you wouldn't ask me
to marry you.

[background chatter]

Merde.

Ah.

Okay, let's head on down
to the press conference.

You can call her
again afterwards. Okay?

No, it's not okay.

If it was okay, I would do it.

But it's not okay,
so I won't do it.

It's not okay.

Nine times I called her!

At the airport,

before dinner, hm,

which wasn't very good,

after dinner

when my stomach was twisted
in knots.

One o'clock, two o'clock,
three o'clock, all night.

And you know what?

She's already in Cannes

preparing the divorce.

That's where she is!

And after that...

It's no big deal, there's plenty
of fish in the ocean.

-Don't worry.
-Don't worry?

My whole life is ruined
by this tour!

You say "don't worry".

I have to go to Cleveland.

My wife is divorcing me

because I've got to go
to Cleveland!

What is Cleveland?

It's a city like Paris.

[stutters] I don't know
what I'm doing here, anyhow.

You're here because there's
20 journalists down there

that would like to get
an interview.

I'm sick on my stomach
of journalists!

"Oh, Jean-Fidel,
are you really in real life

like you are in films?" Ha!

Journalists!

Women!

Telephones, films!

I want to be alone.

I want to go home.

[sighs] Please carry me home.

[indistinct chatter]

[microphone feedback]

Um...

-Hi, everybody.
-[various] Hi.

[many groan]

Uh, well, in case
you haven't guessed by now,

I'm not Jean-Fidel.

It's been over an hour, Barney.

[angry muttering]

Uh, just 15 more minutes, Faye.

Just 15 more minutes.

Oh, come on!
We've got deadlines.

[all complaining]

Uh, 15 minutes.

[all complaining]

[match strikes]

There comes a time, Harry...

[Harris] Harris.

There comes a time

when a man must stop asking
"Who am I?"

and must begin to answer it.

Well, maybe somebody'll ask
you that

at the press conference.

You can answer it then.

Who is he?

Jean-Fidel,
we really must go downstairs.

I don't feel good about myself.

I never feel good about myself.

I can understand that.

You think I am playing a game.

But I have real feelings.

As a matter of fact,

I'm one of the few people

who does have real feelings.

Don't worry, Barney, I'm okay.

Why don't you wait downstairs
with the others?

-Hi.
-[Edgar] Hello.

[Jean-Fidel] Mademoiselle.

-I'm Jean-Fidel Mileau.
-Yes, I know.

-I'm Madeleine Ross.
-Enchanté.

Nice to know you. Um...

What seems to be the problem?

[Jean-Fidel] Problem?

What problem?
There's no problem.

We've been waiting
for you downstairs.

Why didn't you tell me?

Did you hear that?

We are waited for!

-Let's go.
-Oh.

Jean-Fidel! Jacket.

[dreamy music]

-Harris, all I want is--
-Madeleine.

Madeleine, let's face it.

You don't know what you want.

You don't know what you want.

You've got 10,000 theories

but you don't know
what you want.

I don't know what I want!

That's what
I've been trying to tell you!

[laughter]

That's very funny.

Probably terrific in French.

Um, Mr. Mileau?

[Jean-Fidel] Oh, please,

call me Jean-Fidel.

Only the taxman
calls me Monsieur Mileau.

Ah...

Jean-Fidel, tell me,

how does it feel
to be considered

one of the ten sexiest men
in the world?

There are nine others?

-[laughter]
-Oh!

Ah, excuse me, Jean.

Look, now we're running
out of time,

and we've got time
for one more question.

-[mixed chatter]
-Miss Ross.

Ah, thank you.
Are you in real life

the way you are in your films?

-That's an interesting question.
-[Edgar chortles]

Would you mind repeating it?

Are you in real life
the way you are in your films?

Exactly.

Only better.

[laughter]

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

-Hi.
-Hey.

-Fancy meeting you here.
-Yeah.

So...

here we are again.

Except for the salad dressing.

Little something different?

Yeah, about a month ago,

I thought
I needed a little change.

I like it.
You got a little curl there.

Yeah.

-You don't like it.
-No, I like it.

You know, I liked it
the other way,

I like it like this.

I like it. It's nice.

I like it, I... [nervous laugh]

It's you.

Thanks for all the help
with Jean-Fidel.

-That was really...
-Don't mention it.

And I won't write anything
that I heard up there.

-You can.
-No, I wouldn't.

-I don't care.
-I won't, I won't.

Well, it's good
to see you again.

It's good to see you.

I got all these things to do,
so I guess I'd better be going.

But I'll see you again.

Sure.

[romantic music]

You really think
that if two people are in love

that's enough, huh?

What do you want to hear,
it's not enough?

Nothing ever works out?

If it's not perfect,
then forget about it?

Don't even try
and make a relationship work?

I have tried to make
a relationship work!

That was a different one.

It doesn't feel like it!

But it was different!

[background chatter]

Oh...

Excuse me, ah, Miss Ross?

Yeah?

Jean-Fidel really appreciated
that astute question.

-[murmurs]
-[Madeleine laughs]

I appreciated his answer.

Do you have any more questions
you'd like to, ah...?

[sighs heavily] Got a perm

so that I wouldn't have
to do anything with it,

and now I can't do anything
with it.

Straighten it.

What if I straightened it?

Nah...

I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know!

I'm so nervous!

God, I feel...

I feel like
I'm back in high school again.

[chuckles]
You should be so lucky.

And if you're thinking
of bringing him back here,

I suggest you tidy up a bit.

The cluttered look
is out this season.

Hey, wait a minute.

You know, just because a man
has asked me out to dinner,

let's not assume that
I'm going to sleep with him.

I mean, you're acting like
I'm a groupie or something!

[stutters] I haven't even seen
this guy's movies!

I mean, he could be
a rotten actor, for all I know.

Oh, you're planning
on writing a review?

Relax!

Sleeping with him
is not a promise of marriage.

-Why are you smoking?
-[coughs]

You don't smoke.

I smoke in an emergency.

Oh, you saw Harris today!

What happened?

You know
that shit looks better now

than he did when we were dating?

You're still really into
him, huh?

[inhales deeply]

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Okay.

I've made a decision.

I'm not going to make
any decisions.

I'm just going
to go to dinner...

I mean, you're right,
I should just relax.

Ha! I'm an adult.

I mean, I can just go to dinner

and whatever happens, happens.
Right?

It's easy, just... relax,
that's all. Just...

So I got perspective.

Hi, men.

[both] Hey, Harris!

-[Edgar] How you doing?
-Come on, pull up a chair.

[Edgar] Good to see you.

Hey, that's the key, man.
Perspective.

[Barney] Yeah.

So, how'd you like today?

-Wasn't that ridiculous?
-[Edgar groans]

-Wow.
-What was that?

You know, I used to handle
these rock bands.

I thought that was bad,

but this guy,
he tops everything, doesn't he?

You know these rock bands.

Man, they want everything!

You know, they want dope,
they want women,

they want children. [laughs]

I'll tell you something.

I don't know
how you do it, Edgar. Really.

It's gotta be rough.

[Edgar+ I've had two more weeks
of this, you know?

Chicago, Dallas...

Cleveland.

-[Barney] Oh, Cleveland!
-Oh! [laughs]

I suppose it's not so bad
after all.

Yeah, because you haven't got
two more weeks with him.

I suppose you're right. Yeah.

As a matter of fact,
where is he?

He's out.

I fixed him up.

Good move, Edgar. Very good.

Uh, don't you want
to order now, Harris?

No thanks, Barney.

You remember that chick
who was at the press conference?

Really snappy looking broad,
you know?

Really nice looker, eh?

Name was, uh...

Madeleine something. Uh...

-Madeleine...
-[Barney] ...Ross.

[Edgar] Yeah, Madeleine Ross.

Hey, I wouldn't mind
a little piece of her myself.

She's not gonna say no
to Jean-Fidel, right?

You're a regular pimp,
aren't you, Edgar?

Uh, what?

I said you're a pimp.

[chuckles]

Never thought of it that way.

I suppose you never thought

of having your face
smashed in, either, did you?

What's with him?

Hey, look,
I'm trying to eat, okay?

Oh, you're trying to eat,
are you, Barney?

-Eat that!
-[Edgar] Hey! What the...!

What are you, a crazy man?

This is a $200 suit!

$200 pimp suit.

Who's gonna pay
for the cleaner, huh?

Wonderful meal, you know?

And you know lamb chops
are my favorite.

If it even comes out!

Look, you got
no right to be jealous.

And even if you had the right,
you still got no right.

You don't own her.

It's not his fault.

You owe me two lamb chops.

You owe me a suit.

Shut up.

I'm gonna check
tonight's receipts.

I'll see you later, Barney.

I'll see ya, Edgar.

You are really crazy, man!

[phone ringing]

Ah!

-Hello.
-Hello.

Ah, well,
what did you have in mind?

I mean,
where did you want to go?

Oh... [chuckles]

Well... wherever you want.

You know
I'm a complete stranger,

I don't know anything
in this town.

-I'm lost. Lost.
-Oh. Um...

Well, then,
why don't we just go here?

Yes.

[doorbell]

[knocking at door]

[Harris] Madeleine!

Madeleine! [knocking]

Madeleine, let me in!

-You know something?
-Hm?

You are one
of the most lovely girls

I've ever seen.

[nervous chuckle] No.

Yes! I mean it.

I swear it.

["Boogie Woogie Dancin' Shoes"
by Claudja Barry]

Did you get all dressed up
for me?

That's very funny, Ruthie.
Where is she?

Lighten up, Harris.

Will you tell me where she is?

Where is who?

You know who, Madeleine!
Where is she?

Jesus! A scene.

I'm not creating a scene.
I got to know where she is.

You are creating a scene!

Would you tell me?

Ain't love grand.

Hey, Same Spade!

You ever think of trying
the hotel?

Love you, Ruthie.

Hey! Taxi!

Taxi!

[groans]

[clears throat]
It's nice, your room.

Yes...

It's, uh...

Nice.

Oh! Champagne.

[weak chuckle]

[both chuckle softly]

I'll smuggle this for Nadine.

[Madeleine chuckles]

Maybe you should try
calling her again.

-She won't be home to me.
-Ah, come on.

No.

Let me explain.

There are two Jean-Fidels.

There is Jean-Fidel,

-and there is... Jean-Fidel.
-[laughs]

Well, Nadine is tired of...

Yeah, well, she knows
it's just a put-on.

[sighs] It's very difficult

for a man who sleeps
with many girls

to convince his wife
she's the only one.

Yes, I could see

-where that would be difficult.
-Very, very difficult.

When this summer,
after 23 years, mind you,

she threatened to leave me,

I promised her no more.

And we reconciled.

And then... this trip.

Oh, that's different.

This is business,
you had to come.

No, she thinks that I came
only to show off

and to be the big hero, and...

uh, seduce young girls.

-Oh, that's ridiculous.
-No, that's true.

Mm.

[Jean-Fidel speaking French]

[speaking French]

Well, you didn't seduce me.

You don't want to be seduced.

Come on, you didn't even try.

Well, are we going to argue
about this?

No, no, no.

I love her very much.

Does that sound so strange?

No.

Except, then why did you come?

I came because

I'm not ready
for a relationship.

[laughs] But...

You've been married
for 23 years!

So she should know me by now!

Well, maybe you should know her
by now!

[Jean-Fidel] You don't believe
I love her.

If I don't get to her tomorrow,
I'll never see her again.

Jean-Fidel, look, uh...

When you walk out
on somebody that you love--

Ah, no! Wait a minute!

She walked out on me.

Ah, it's a technicality.
Either way.

I mean, the point is
that the phone call

isn't exactly a grand gesture,
you know what I mean?

What do you want me to do?

Three thousand miles away!

She doesn't answer the phone,

just to make trouble.

Maybe she's getting smart

and she's making you work
a little bit.

One should not have
to work at love.

It should be natural.

Since when?

Are you telling meabout love?

Huh.

Really?

[dramatic music]

[man] Looks like
you missed them.

-What?
-Uh-huh.

Checked out with his girlfriend
a little while ago.

-Mileau!
-Hello.

No, where's Mr. Mileau?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We're not
allowed to give out that--

I'm the one who's paying
for his room, do you mind?

One moment, please.

Ah, yes, there is a letter
here for Mr. Sloan.

-Harris.
-Your first name, please?

-Harris!
-Yes.

Uh, sir! There's also
a letter for a Mr. Ken.

Hey!

Did a beautiful girl
and a slimy Frenchman

get into a cab
a little while ago?

Can you take me to the airport?

Sure, buddy. Hop in.

You wanna take the bridge
or the tunnel?

I feel terrible.

You look great.

Oh, thank you.

It's the first time in my life

I don't fulfill
a professional engagement.

But it's such a great
romantic gesture.

It is, isn't it?

There she is,
surrounded by lawyers,

and suddenly...

I show up.

Uh, except you're not gonna
show up if you miss this plane.

Oh, yes.

-Look, get some rest, huh?
-Yeah.

-Okay?
-Thanks a lot, Bar. Bye.

[engine starting]

[Edgar] Barney! Barney!

Barney! Get to the airport!

-What the hell's wrong with you?
-Come on, let's go!

Hit it, man!

Can you believe this garbage?

So then Edgar...

Edgar fixes her up
with this French movie star.

[taxi driver] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I go downstairs and this,
this note is waiting for me.

The note says:

[sighs]

"I've gone with Miss Ross
to the airport." So...

So I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I tell her I want
to get married,

she doesn't like that,
that's not good.

I tell her I love her,
that's no good.

I mean... I don't know what--

Yeah, yeah, buddy. I heard it
all before.

Lemme drive, will ya?
Lemme get you to the airport.

I know she wants her "space."

She talks
about her space so much,

you'd think she's
a goddamn astronaut!

[sighs]

What a shame.

[Madeleine] What?

To meet such a beautiful girl

at the wrong time.

Well...

C'est la vie.

Good luck, Madeleine.

Good luck, Jean-Fidel.

Hey, buddy! Buddy, your change!

[Edgar] Barney, if he gets on
that goddamn plane, I'm ruined!

I'll never work
in this business again.

[exciting music]

[loud beeping]

Empty your pockets, sir.

[Edgar] If we were in LA,
this never would have happened.

-[Barney] Nice tunnel, huh?
-Huh?

[PA] Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson,

please report
to baggage pick-up area.

[PA] Final call
for Pan Am flight 2,

now departing for Paris.

Madeleine, don't leave! Mad?

-Madeleine!
-Harris!

Oh, it's just great, isn't it?

We're sold out
for tomorrow night,

you go run off with the star?

Is that what you came running
in here to say to me?

Of course not! What I came
running in here to say to you

is that I love you, godamnit!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to shout,
she makes me shout.

I didn't mean to shout,
but she makes me shout.

You see?

-The problem is...
-I love you.

...there are so many ways which
we can go about this--

-I love you!
-...I just can never--

[romantic music]

What did you say?

I love you.

I love you.

I love you! Mwah!

-[all laughing]
-I love you!

Come on, Barney,
get the lead out, man!

Wait a minute,
what about my car?

You jerk!

[romantic music]

Harris, Harris!

Where are they? Where is he?

Three!

[chuckles]

[laughs]

Think we'll ever get used
to each other?

I hope not.