Someone Like You (2001) - full transcript

23.976 English SDH
DVD Subrip NTSC ? 26.03.2020

[ Woman Narrating ]
If someone had asked me
not long ago...

why I thought it was that men
left women and never came back,

I would have said this:

"New cow."

The new cow theory
was born of a broken heart.

It came to me while reading
an article on male behavior...

in the New York Times
science section,

which chronicled a particularly
fascinating study...

on the mating preferences
of the male cow.

- First, a bull was presented with...
- [ Moos ]



a cow.

They mated.

The next day, the bull was
presented with the same cow.

[ Yawns ]

The bull wasn't interested.

He wanted new cow,

and this was old cow.

Curious to see if
they could trick the bull,

the scientists came up
with an ingenious ploy.

- Do not disappoint Daddy.
- The old cow was smeared
with new cow scent...

- Doesn't that feel good ?
- But he was no fool.

This wasn't new cow.

This was just old cow
incognito.

Old cow in sheep's clothing.



- Mutton dressed as lamb.
- [ Moos ]

Someone Like You... (2001)

But I'm getting
ahead of myself.

To really understand the theory and
how it took over my entire existence,

you need to hear
the whole story.

When Ray came into my life,

I was booking talent
for the Diane Roberts Show,

a local New York talk show that
had just been syndicated nationally.

The network had given us
a small window of opportunity...

in which to make something
of ourselves.

We're back with
Mary Lou Corkle,

outspoken
conservative activist,

who's here to talk about
her new book The Nest Crisis.

One of your central arguments,
Mary Lou,

is to blame society's problems
on working mothers.

[ Narrator ] Diane was
determined to strike pay dirt
with her audience...

by appealing to both their
understimulated intelligence...

and their overstimulated appetite
for tabloid television.

Ambition has blinded
these women...

- ..to their responsibilities
to their families.
- And so, by your standards,

doing what I do makes me
unfit for motherhood.

Well, we make
our own beds, don't we ?

That is true.
Just out of curiosity, Mary Lou,

who's been
making your kids' beds...

while you've been out
selling your book
these past three months ?

[ Narrator ]
My job was to supply
a steady diet of raw meat...

to satisfy Diane's
Emmy-clad ambitions.

Hi, Donald. Did you hear ?
We've gone national.

Thanks.
Well, it's a new format.

We're just starting up
major exposure,

and I think it's
right up Hillary's alley.

Oh, she'd be among the first.
I'm lining up great company.
Trust me, everyone wants on.

[ Narrator ]
My only colleague in this quest...

was our writer, producer and
pathological womanizer
Eddie Alden.

[ Whispering ]
How are we doin' ?

Publisher's having a coronary.

- That good, huh ?
- You book 'em, I cook 'em.

Right on. Yeah.

Thank you very much.
We are here talking
to Mary Lou Corkle.

Any progress with Cuba ?

Well, just keep trying.
I swear to God.

This Castro thing is gonna kill me.
I mean, it is insane.

- She will not let it go.
- Forget Castro. Come on.

- I mean, what you want
is a more creative angle.
- Such as ?

- Elena Villagolla.
- Who ?

One of the women the C.I.A.
hired to try and kill him
back in the sixties.

Excuse me. I believe this is
a smoke-free building.

Blow me. Apparently, the C.I.A.
cooked up this death oil
that could pass as perfume.

The idea was she'd rub it on,
Castro would be kissin' her
and lickin' her--

- Don't editorialize.
- Sorry. He was supposed
to croak right after.

[ Narrator ]
Eddie could find the sex factor
in just about any subject.

He, of course,
considered this a gift.

- Nina, you left these
earrings in my bathroom.
- You don't waste any time.

- Cynic.
- Slut.

[ Narrator ] But if Eddie
was enough to make me
lose hope in all men,

it only took one
to bring it back again.

- Hey, Rick.
- How you doin', Eddie ?

You are the only one
I haven't met yet.
I'm Ray Brown.

[ Birds Chirping ]

- [ Eddie ] This is our new
executive producer.
- Oh, from Washington.

I saw that piece
you produced for Newsline.
That was brilliant.

Wow.
Thank you very much.

We just did a follow-up piece.
That's why I'm a little late
getting up here.

- Oh.
- Well, I better scoot.

Jane, you want me to get 'em
to turn the A.C. up ?
You're looking a little flushed.

Okay.

- Jane Goodale.
- I know.
That's an interesting name.

- People must confuse
you with the scientist.
- Yeah.

- They're always asking me
if I'm into chimps.
- Are you ?

Not really. I mean, maybe
Curious George when I was five.

Ah. Curious George
was a monkey, not a chimp.

- A man who knows his primates.
- Yes, I do.

See you around. Oh, I heard
Len Chaney's people are
giving you a hard time.

Yeah, they're afraid it's gonna
turn into an abortion debate
and get ugly.

Which is, uh, right.

- Of course.
- So guarantee
Diane won't bring it up,

and we'll plant somebody
in the audience
to initiate it during Q & A.

I think you came
to the right show,
Ray Brown.

- [ Woman ]
So he's cute.
- Very.

Mm-hmm.
Care to elaborate ?

Pale blue eyes, athletic,
sort of, um, J. Crew,
but not as preppy.

- Oh, that guy again.
- Are you going to
buy anything or not ?

- Sh-Shush ! I'm concentrating !
- Okay.

- Marital status ?
- Girlfriend.

Why are we having
this conversation ?

You know what ?
You're right.
He's too much work.

And even if I were up to it,
with my luck,

he'd probably end up
marrying her anyway.

Wow. There's the cynical bitch
I know and love.

So that's it. Case closed.
Leaving this one alone.

You feeling carnivorous ?

Absolutely.

So what else do I need
to know about you,

apart from your addiction
to processed foods,

much to the chagrin
of your girlfriend ?

"D."

- Whom you've been
dating now for...
- Three years.

Three--
[ Clears Throat ]

Excuse me. Three years.
Wow. That's, um--

Huh.
More serious than I...

would've guessed,
you know, off the cuff.

I guess it is.

You think you ever get
to the moment where you
just know it's the right one ?

That's it.

That's the person you're
meant to be with forever.

Probably.

[Jane Narrating ]
God, he was cute.

- It's me !
- We're in here.

What's the problem ?
Just jab it in.

- Don't rush me.
- What is going on ?

Dr. Lipshick started your sister
on injections.

- Of orange juice ?
- Fertility drugs, Jane.

The orange is for practice.

For God's sake, Stephen,
if you can't stick it
into a Valencia,

- How are you gonna
stick it in my ass ?
- I'm just a little nervous.

If this isn't done right,
we could lose another
whole month.

Oh !

That was supposed
to be my job.

I just wanted to show you
how easy it is.

You know, this is
a very emotional time for us,

and you're sucking the romance
out of the entire situation.

Oh, come on, sweetheart.
I think we've pretty much
kissed romance good-bye...

when you started jacking off
into a cup once a week.

Leave my sperm count
out of it !

Chubby Hubby ?

Come on, sweetie. I'll look
at the dirty magazines
with you this time.

I don't think you should--
Enough about it !

That's great. Just great.

Very nice, Nina.
Very grown up.

At least one of us is.

Good morning.

Don't bother, Eddie.
I already know you're an asshole.

Hey, you're always complaining
your apartment's too small.

Why don't you
move in with me ?

- You cannot be serious.
- Why not ?

Come on. All I'm meeting
are hip, successful types.

- I'd much rather have
someone like you.
- Gee, thanks.

No, hey. This would be
a strictly financial arrangement.

I've got no interest in you
that way whatsoever.

- What a relief.
- Come on. Is that a no ?

Actually, it's a "Thanks, but not
if my life depended on it."

? In the dark ?

? I can hear ?

? You whisper ?

- [ Telephone Ringing ]
- ? Shadows still ?

? Move across ?

? The distance ?

- Hello.
- [ Ray ] You up for a walk ?

? What did you say ?

? It's okay ?

? Mm-hmm ?

? Did you miss me ?

? Did you miss me ?

? Make it mine ?

? Takin'time ?

- What ?
- What ?

I was just gonna--

I can't speak.
You say something.

No, no, no, don't.
Do you think I'm insane ?

Not at all.

I was just thinking how good
my apartment looks with you in it.

? Did you miss me ?

? Did you miss me ?

? You know
at times I wonder ?

? If you ever thought of me ?

? And I wonder if you
wanted to be free like me ?

? [ Indistinct ] ??

Let's start again.
You were eating Cocoa Puffs.

- Right.
- Then a couple cartoons.

- A Tweety Bird and
a Road Runner, I think.
- Then some more kissing.

- Right.
- Okay, go on.

We had to get ready for work,
so I walk into the door,
and he gave me a--

- Morning, Jane.
- Morning, Les.
How are ya ?

- Big finale-type kiss
before leaving ?
- Exactly.

That's good, good, good.
Very good, considering.

- Considering what ?
- Considering he's already
picked out his wife.

I told you, Liz,
they're having problems.

- They're not engaged.
- Yet.

Nevertheless, he does sound
like an interesting prospect,
so here's what you do.

Pretend she doesn't exist.
Never mention her name.

If he mentions her,
you just nod politely,
change the subject.

- Why ?
- Because if you bring her up,

he's gonna feel
pushed and resentful.

This way, it's like,
"I'm healthy, I'm happy.

No pressure.
Getting sex other places."

- It's gonna drive him nuts.
- Lizzy, where do you
get this stuff?

- Odd.
- Read the papers, Jane.

23-year-old women
are lying about their age,

so excuse me,
Miss "I have a crush,
so I'm currently in denial."

You gotta get on your game.

You know what
I really need to know ?
What do I do right now...

when I see him
in my staff meeting
in five minutes ?

That's easy.
Pretend he doesn't exist.

Well, good morning, Eddie.

- What is on your neck ?
- I bit myself shaving.

Isn't that why God
invented turtlenecks ?

- No. That's why God
invented Darlene.
- You are so gross.

- Hey, Eddie. Hi, Jane.
- Hey, Ray.

Hey, Ray. Mornin'.

You okay ?
You look a little tired.

[ Woman ]
Morning, Diane.

Straw. Mmm.

- Okay. I'm late,
I know. I'm sorry.
- Morning.

I locked myself
out of the apartment.
Keys, wallet, total nightmare.

The only reason
I'm standing here right now...

is because of Habib,
the nicest cab driver
in the city of New York.

Okay, now, who saw
ABC's 4 a.m. newscast ?

I think a lot of us
missed that, Diane.

There's a big story on
how single media outlets
aren't cutting it anymore.

Ray, where are we
on interactive ?

- The web site should be
up and running on Monday.
- No, not should be.

Will be !
We cannot sell this show...

on the pissant advertising budget
they've given us.

We need to be
streaming 24-7,

and we need to make
every show count.

- Remember, it is
all about the get.
- [ All ] The get.

We cannot make a splash
if we only get...

the gets that everybody's
already gotten.

- I need the ungettable get, got it ?
- Got it.

Good.

Okay, where are we
on Fidel ?

Uh, well,
I spoke with Juanita,

his, um,
foreign press secretary,

who assured me
that the moment...

el presidente was back
from his fantasy baseball camp...

she would
approach him about it.

And what did she say ?
He might be interested ?

Did she discuss
his availability ?

Tell me, do you think
we have a shot here ?

- Jane ?
- Sorry.

I said what do you think
your chances are
of getting this guy ?

I think they're good, Diane.

I think they're very good.

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Clattering ]

Uh, j.. just a minute.

Sorry.

I thought I'd just, um,
do a few sit-ups.

Joy: the emotion evoked by
the prospect of possessing
what one desires.

[ Grunting ]

Rapture: the experience
of being carried away...

by an overwhelming
emotion or passion.

Ecstasy: a state of being
beyond reason and self-control.

[ Gasping ]

[ Ray ]
I cannot feel my legs.

- Tell me again what
we're doing here, please.
- We're coming up for air.

- Oh, right.
- Besides, I owe you a shirt.

Hey, that's a good idea.

- Blue ?
- Yeah.

This one's pretty.

- You think ?
- With your eyes.

Could be risky, given your
impatience with buttons.

Well--

- I love it.
We'll take this one.
- My treat.

- No, no, no. No, Jane.
- Shut up.

- Let me buy you a shirt.
- Thank you.

- Hey, guys.
- Eddie, hey !

Wow. We were--
I mean, I just, uh--

- She's helping me
pick out a shirt.
- Yeah.

- Well, I didn't mean to intrude.
- [ Ray ] Not at all. You're not.

- Not at all. Please !
- No.

Listen,
I gotta go to a thing.

- I gotta hit this--
Great running into you.
- Okay.

- Both of you. My God !
I can't even--
- See you around.

- All right.
- Okay.
- Yeah.

What a coincidence.
First I run into Ray,
and then we run into you.

I didn't even know
he lived around here,
and then, boom !

All of a sudden, there he is.
Um, so, uh--

Wha-- Okay, so I am
sleeping with him.

Eddie, if you tell
anyone at the office,
so help me, God--

What are you thinking ?

I'm-- I'm thinking
the same thing you are, Jane,

that you and Ray are gonna
live happily ever after...

with matching Volvos
and chocolate labs.

See you Monday.

Did you have
any friends growing up ?

Better hurry.
I think he's waiting
down the street.

? And I never thought
I'd feel this way ?

? The way I feel about you ?

? Soon as I wake up
every night ?

? Every day ?

? I know that it's you I need ?

? To take the blues away ?

? It must be love
love, love ?

? It must be love
love, love ?

? Nothing more
nothing less ?

? Love is the best ?

? How can it be
that we can ?

? Say so much
without words ??

[ Bells Chiming ]

I love you, Jane.

I love you too.

[Jane ] He just came
right out and said it,
after only six weeks.

Oh, my God.
Takes most guys like
a year to use the "L" word.

When they finally do,
they're usually, you know,

on top of you,
so it doesn't really count.

- What about the "D" woman ?
- He's telling her tomorrow night.

- Why didn't he tell her already ?
- He's in a complicated situation.

Anyhow, if he were
having second thoughts,

I hardly think he would've
asked me to live with him.

He asked you to live with him ?
Oh, my God.

- What did you say ?
- I must've said yes
or something to that effect...

because he started calling realtors,
and I gave my landlord notice.

Ohh ! Mazel tov !

Oh, I can't believe this !

You're getting asked
to play house by some guy,

and I'm still on
the blind date circuit from hell.

I take it last night
did not go very well.

Awful. Do me a favor.
Next time Julian
offers to set me up...

with one of his straight friends,
shoot me before I say yes.

I'm in a sad state.

And I'm telling you,
it's just screaming potential.

H- Hello ?

- I didn't mean to intrude.
- No, we're fine.

Didn't you want
to see the patio ?
Come on out.

Isn't it just wonderful ?
Wait'll you see the view.

It's just spectacular.
Right this way.

Right down
to the World Trade Center.

It's such a jewel box.

I guess I'll leave you two alone
to talk things over.

- Oh, my God.
It's unbelievable.
- I love it ! I love it !

It's amazing.
The light is so good !
I love you.

I don't know.

Liz, I gotta go.

Oh, my God. He looks like
he's been hit by a bus.

I'll call you back.

I feel like I've been
hit by a bus.

You told her ?

Was it bad ?

Not like I thought.

I mean, she, uh--
She didn't go hysterical
or anything like that.

She just, uh,
was kinda,

you know, eerily calm
about the whole thing.

- Well, that's good, right ?
- Yeah, yeah.

I just meant,
you know,

it wasn't what I expected
is all, you know ?

- What'd she say about us ?
- She just, she just--

I- I didn't tell her.
Jane, I just didn't think
it was necessary.

I mean, to hit her
over the head with this thing...

after three years,
it just seemed so, so awful.

I just told her
that it was over.

You know ?
And I think that's
all she needs to know.

- Right ?
- S- Sure.

- And she was okay with that ?
- Yeah. I mean, I guess.

I don't know. It was so--
It was just weird.

I mean, she just kinda--
Whoooh.

You know, she just
kinda went cold on me.

I mean,
sh- sh- she's upset.

She's upset,
the poor thing.

She's gotta be upset.
She's-- You know.

She just didn't seem
terribly upset, so--

- Well, you're okay with it, right ?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- I mean, you're happy.
- Happy ?

I am so happy.
I mean, this is what I wanted.

I mean, there's nothing
between us anymore, you know,

and that's-- that's
what I was looking for,
so I'm happy.

[Jane Narrating ]
How exactly did Ray disappear ?

Slowly and kind of subtly.

Single pane,
double pane ?

- [ Realtor ]
Single pane, I believe.
- Singles.

A lot more sun, I guess,
than I had recalled.

This doesn't open ? Oh !
Well, gotta force it. Oops.

[Jane Narrating ]
Well, maybe it wasn't so subtle.

- [ Answering Machine Beeps ]
- Hi, babe.

It's me again.
Listen, the realtor called,

and she said that we have
to sign the lease by Monday.

I know you wanted your lawyer
to have a look at the contract
and everything,

but my apartment's
been re-rented, and I have
got to be out of here--

[ Beeps ]

He is not sleeping
with somebody else.
What are you talking about ?

First of all,
Ray really isn't like that.

And second of all, the poor guy
wouldn't have time.

He's been working
until 3:00 in the morning
every night for 2 weeks.

Okay, A: There's no such thing
as a guy who doesn't have
time to mess around.

They always have time for that.
And B: If he ain't sleeping
with you,

he ain't sleepin' alone.

Right ?

Listen, you gotta talk to him.
It's better than not knowing.

Sorry.
This patch is worth shit.

[ TV Narrator]
Throughout the animal kingdom,
prey species have developed...

a wide variety
of escape behaviors.

Freezing is a common response
to predator alarm.

Sensing danger,
many animals will assume
a rigid, statue- like position.

Fleeing is another
popular method.

Some species will simply
try to outrun their captors,

while others take
an erratic zigzag course...

in the hopes that
sudden direction shifts will
eventually tire the predator,

causing her
to give up the chase.

Smell the bacon, Jane ?

[ Cow Moos ]

I'm wondering
what's happening here. I mean,

we haven't been alone
together in a week.

We lost that great apartment...

because your lawyer supposedly
didn't get his act together,

which is okay,
I understand.

But as of Saturday,
I don't have a place to live.

Ray, what the hell's going on ?

I don't think I can do this.

Do what ?

This. Us.

What ?

Why ?

- I don't know.
- What do you mean,
you don't know ?

There has to be a reason.
Just tell me what it is.

Jane, I'm sorry. I- I--
You deserve an answer,

and I don't think
I can explain it to you.

I thought we...
felt the same way:

incredibly lucky to have...

- ..found th- the thing.
- I do.

- [ Waitress ]
And here you go.
- I did.

I...

I just think that we both
need to take a step back.

I mean we're talking about
a very serious move here.

I- I just wanted--
I still--

I don't even know
what I'm trying to say.

I feel like... such a jerk,

you know, believing
that this was, uh--

Listen to me.
I love you.

I... want us to be
important to each other.

Please don't do that.

Please go.

[Jane Narrating ]
There are few things
sadder in this life...

than watching
someone walk away
after they've left you,

watching the distance
between your bodies expand...

until there's nothing
but empty space...

and silence.

Remember,

time wounds all heels.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

Eddie Alden.
Yeah, sure. Hold on.

Hi.

Are you all right ?

Why ?
Don't I look all right ?

- You look like
you hate my guts.
- I do hate your guts.

That's nice.

I don't blame you,
you know.

For what it's worth,
this hasn't been easy
for me either.

Oh, yeah, you look
really... destroyed.

- Hey.
- Hey, Eddie.

Eddie, did you by any chance
ever find a roommate ?

Well, no, actually.

Because the place I was
supposed to move into
just suddenly fell apart...

and my apartment's
been re-rented...

and I was wondering
if the offer's still good.

- Y- You're moving in with Eddie ?
- Maybe.

- What's the apartment like ?
- Uh--

Just a two-bedroom loft,
big kitchen, lots of windows,
living room.

Sounds amazing.
When can I see it ?

- You're moving in with Eddie.
- How about tonight ?

Perfect.
Everything is just perfect.

Hey.

- You okay ?
- Yeah.

- Here it is.
- It's huge.

Yup. Kitchen, living room,
whatever.

Uh, my bedroom, bathroom.

This would be your room.

What happened here ?

Yeah, I got the urge
to renovate one night,
but don't worry.

I'd have it fixed
by the time you moved in.

- You want a drink ?
- Sure. Some water.

We don't have to share
a bathroom, do we ?

Oh, no, I never,
ever use the bathroom.

So how'd you find
this place ?

My ex-girlfriend worked
in an emergency room.

Whenever someone croaked,
she'd check out their address,
see if it was rent control.

Eventually, we got lucky.

You lived with somebody ?

- Yeah.
- For how long ?

For... a while.

- So what do you think ?
- I think I must be
out of my mind.

? They say you stand ?

? By your man ?

? Tell me something ?

? I don't understand ?

? You said you loved me
and that's a fact ?

- Hey !
- Thank you !

Shit.

? Well, some days
you can explain away ?

? But the heartache's with me
till this day ?

? Did you stand by me ?

? No, not at all ?

? Did you stand by me ?

? No way ?

? All the times ?

? That we were close ?

? I remember ?

? These things the most ?

? I've seen all my dreams
come tumblin' down ?

? I can't be happy ?

? Without you around ?

? So alone I keep
the wolves at bay ?

? And there's only
one thing I can say ?

? You didn't stand by me ?

? No, not at all ?

? You didn't stand by me ?

? No way ?

? You didn't stand by me
No, not at all ?

? You didn't stand by me ?

? No way ??

Morphine for the pain.

[ Raining, Thunder Rumbling ]

Hey.

It was right after
she moved out.

[ Rumbling Continues ]

I just took an ax
and started hacking away at it.

So I thought
opening up that wall...

might make it easier
to breathe or something.

I don't smoke.

[ Coughing ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[ Continues Coughing ]

You okay ?

Oh, yeah.

What was her name ?

Rebecca.

Put your shoes on.
We're going downstairs.

- What's downstairs ?
- You'll see.

[ Coughing ]

[Jane ]
It's like there are two realities.

First, we're in love,
and it's incredible, it's perfect.

And then poof!
"Sorry, Jane.

Doesn't work for me
anymore."

- How is that possible ?
- Easy. You were living
in a fantasy.

Romance, true love,
soul mates,

it's all bullshit.

None of it exists.

Trust me.
I speak from experience.

Man, she really
did a number on you,
didn't she ?

Well, don't shit
on my broken heart...

just because you converted
to some warped brand
of romantic atheism.

Oh, man ! Whoo !

It's called
self-preservation.

Oh, in other words,
you narcotize yourself
with casual sex.

No, no, no. See, that implies
I'm avoiding reality...

when, in fact, I embrace it.

Don't underestimate
casual sex, Jane.

- It's very liberating.
- I'll bet.

I almost feel sorry for her.

What for ?

I make no pretenses, okay ?

Now, if she wants to put me up
on a white horse,

that's her choice.

We're all
grownups here, Jane.

? You know I love you, baby ?

? And I don't want
nobody else ?

? I can't help wonderin'if I ??

[Jane Narrating ]
I lay awake that night
wondering which was worse:

Guys like Ray who blinded you
with charms and promises,

or the Eddies of the world
who went right for your pants.

- [ Gasps ]
- Oh. Excuse me.

And in the end,
it didn't matter.

The truth was,
they were all cast
from the same mold.

- But the question remained.
- [ Cow Moos ]

Why ?

And then
one day by the river,

I found my answer.

Holy shit !

- [ Slap ]
- [ Baby Crying ]

I told them dumb asses
it'd never work.

You can't fool a bull, mister.
No, sir.

He knows where he's been,
and he ain't goin' back.

Hell, I got--
I got 93 cows.

Only one of 'em got nads.

Why ? 'Cause that
one son of a bitch alone
can knock up an entire herd.

But once he's done,
well, the party's over.

I gotta go over
to Ed Hickey's place
down the road...

and trade him for a new one...

'cause there ain't
a chance in hell...

he's ever gonna touch
any of them cows again, no, sir.

- I figured it out.
I'm the old cow.
- I don't get it.

Remember a couple weeks ago
when we were laughing at
that graffiti on the subway ?

- "Baby, I love the toilet you sit on" ?
- No.

"I'm tired of banging
the same woman every night."

We thought there might
actually be something to that,

- ..like it could be a window
into their dark...
- Schizophrenic behavior.

Well, it is.
The new cow theory...

and "I'm tired of banging
the same woman every night,"

same thing.

This is why
men can't commit.

Sooner or later,
we all become old cows.

We're identified
as already serviced,

so they wanna move on
and find less familiar females.

- The whole novelty thing,
you mean.
- Neophilia, to be precise.

- What do you think ?
- What do I think ?
I think...

it's always about you,
that's what I think.

You fall for some guy,
and it's like men are
worthy of heroic worship.

You get dumped and suddenly
they're shit-sucking,
commitment-phobic assholes.

I'm sorry, Jane.
The entire universe
does not revolve around...

your romantic status.

You're in love.

I'm almost in love.

Oh, honey,
why didn't you tell me ?

You're having
a spectacular mope.
I didn't wanna ruin it.

- Oh, my God !
- We met at a work party
a couple of weeks ago and--

Just incredible.
I mean, he's so--

And I'm so--

[Jane Narrating ]
Although I appreciated
Liz's intoxication...

over her seeming good fortune,

I refused to be derailed.

Now armed with
my new cow theory,

I became voracious
for information.

What are you doing ?

Nothin'.

- Hey ! Eddie !
- Whoa ! What's this ?

"Amygdala,
AKA erotic nose brain.

- Give it back !
- "An organ located
in the nasal cavity,

"which connects smells
to memories.

"Banana slugs,
actually hermaphrodites--

While mating, the males
chew each other's penises off."

I worry about you, Jane.
I really do.

[Jane Narrating ]
Despite my conviction,

there was
the occasional setback.

[Jane ]
I want my erotic
nose brain removed.

I beg your pardon ?

My amygdala, the organ
deep inside the nasal cavity,

which processes scent,
which then connects to memory.

I'd like it extracted.

But why would you
want to voluntarily
make yourself anosmatic ?

Well, let me see
if I can explain this.

Um, I had this
boyfriend, okay ?

And he smelled really,
really good, like soap...

and fresh laundry
and vanilla.

And every time I smell
any of those smells,

I'm reminded of my boyfriend
and how happy we were...

before he dumped me
for no good reason.

And I get very sad,
and then I get angry.

And then before I know it,
I am in the throes of an
all-out emotional breakdown.

And so I was
just thinking, Dr. Glen,

if I can just short-circuit
my nose somehow,

I might actually have
a chance of living
a semi-normal life someday.

- [ Bell Dings ]
- Hey, wait !

Couldn't sleep ?

- No.
- Me neither.

[ Sighs ]
Does that happen
to you a lot ?

Yeah.

Me too.

Mmm.

- Just like eating worms.
- Yeah.

Talent. Mmm.
These are good.

Here.

Head back.

- Yeah ?
- Good.

Good.

Cold dumplings.
My favorite.

Way to go, Tomcat.
Two points.

Tomcat ?

Cheerleader.

A what ?

I was a cheerleader.

- You were a cheerleader ?
- Yes, I was.

Paul G. Blazer Memorial High.
Pride and joy of Cincinnati, Ohio,
state champs, 1989.

- Go, Cats.
- Go, Cats.

Well, show me.

- No. No !
- Come on ! Why not ?

I just haven't done it
in ten years, Eddie. Come on.

- You come on. Show me.
- You have to do something
that merits a cheer.

Like, uh, like, like--

Like three dumplings,
left-handed, in a row.

- You can't do that.
- Deal ?

Deal.

One, two, three.

Like that ?

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

- You promise not to laugh ?
- No. Come on.

- What are those ?
- Pom-poms.

Okay.

I hate you.

It's okay.

Ready ? Okay !

The Tomcats are here...

to show--
[ Laughs ]

Whoa.

Ready ? Okay !

The Tomcats are here...

to show who's top.

You think can beat us...

but we can't be stopped !

Go, Tomcats !

- Whoo ! First and ten and--
- Eddie ?

Oh. Oh, sh-- Um--

Oh, hey, hey.

- Um--
- Hi. I'm, uh, Jane.

Roommate.

- Isabel.
- Isabel, Jane.

- You can clean up.
It's your turn.
- Okay. Okay.

Good night.
We're a little noisy.

Hi, George. It's Jane.

[ Liz ]
God, I'm such an idiot.

I mean, I sensed things
were a little off when
he got back from L.A.,

but I just thought that he was
just jet-lagged or something.

Then he tells me the France thing
isn't such a good idea...

because he's gonna have
to work the whole time anyway,

so still, I figure,
"Okay, that's no big deal."

So Friday he gets on a plane,
he goes over there alone.

Right ? Wrong.

An hour ago,
I call his hotel room
to say good night.

Guess who answered the phone
1:00 a.m. Paris time ?

Penelope Pope.

- Who's Penelope Pope ?
- I have no idea,

but that's what she said when I said,
"Who the fuck is this ?"

- Oh, God. I don't get it !
- Liz, I'm sorry.

I mean, why feed me
all that romantic crap if
he's just gonna cheat on me ?

- Two words:
copulatory imperative.
- Excuse me ?

It's the biological urge
to spread their seed.

The truth is, less than
five percent of all male animals
are monogamous.

The other 95% are...

Plucking Penelope Pope ?

[ Knocking ]
Hi, Jane.

I, uh, stopped by H & H
on the way in,

picked up
a sesame seed bagel...

lightly toasted,
just like you liked.

- [ Continues Typing ]
- [ Coughs ]

Okay.

Ray has a cold. I'm hoping
it will turn into pneumonia...

and that weeks of bed rest will
cause abdominal muscles to atrophy.

Ben wants to add a column
to the magazine for women.

It finally hit him that
20% of our readership is female.

The idea is for it
to be about men.

You know, how they're
so paranoid...

- ..about going bald and
that kind of thing.
- So--

Forget baldness.
The real issue is their behavior.

You know, that stuff like
that copulatory impulse--

Imperative.
Hey, Bobby, can I get
some more hot water ?

The point is, I think
you should write it.

Are you crazy ?

- Well, why not ?
- A: I'm not a writer.
B: I'm not a psychologist.

We don't need
a psychologist.

We need someone who's been
in the trenches, baby.

Liz, I don't know
what I'm talking about.

All I have are a bunch
of notebooks filled with
ridiculous little factoids.

I mean, this is not
a full-time job.
This is a hobby.

A sick, twisted,
pathetic little hobby.

You get paid to write about
something you're
already obsessed with.

If you want anonymity,
we'll give you a pen name.

I personally think
it'd be cathartic for you,

and you'd be doing your
dear, sweet, wonderful
friend a huge favor.

Pen name, huh ?

?? [ Bugle: "Charge"]

I'm doing this once.
Do you hear me ? One time.

- Fine. I'm telling you,
it's gonna be fun.
- Fun ?

I'm helping
concoct the background
of a nonexistent scientist...

who's about to publish
her delusional theories in
the nation's top men's magazine.

You're right. Ha !
This is fun.

Okay, try this. Um--

Born in Sussex, 1937.

Cofounder of the Institute
of Pathological Narcissism
in Vienna.

- Who is she ?
- The recently deceased
Harriet Gould of Astoria.

No surviving relatives.
She's perfect.

- She even has a bun.
- That's her.

Dr. Marie Charles.

- [ Chuckling ]
- Oh, my God.

Every bull
begins a relationship...

with certain cards
up his sleeve-- aces.

Tools of seduction
by which he lures a new cow.

One of the most
notorious examples...

is the current cow
sob story.

Allow me to deconstruct
the essential elements.

You're so easy to talk to,

not like my current cow.

This is key to understanding
the myth of male shyness,

for though you think
he is flattering you,

he is actually
flattering himself,

showing how open
and sensitive and honest he is.

I just try so hard and--

Well, I'm sure she doesn't
mean to be such a cold cow.

Just in case you're starting
to think he's a coldhearted,
home-wrecking womanizer,

he'll throw this in just to prove
he's putting his current cow...

out to pasture for good reason,

and that he's actually
tormented with guilt at
the thought of abandoning her.

What's that thing
they always say about
the love of a good woman ?

[Jane Narrating ]
That, once offered,
it's guaranteed to come back...

and bite her in the ass.

- Enter case in point.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Thought you were with
what's her name.

- Didn't work out.
- You have a little saddle sore
on that white horse of yours ?

- Okay, so what happened ?
- Just lost interest.

What do you mean,
you lost interest ?

How exactly ?

Christ, Jane, do we really have
to have another postmortem ?

I'm just curious is all.
So you went to a movie,

then back to her place ?

- Then what ?
- [ Sighs ]

So we're in the kitchen
getting a drink,

and suddenly, she starts
looking for food.

We had dinner
right after the movie,
but... I don't know.

She was still hungry.
She's always hungry, it seems.

And that's bad,
Women who eat ?

Okay, so you're in the kitchen,
she's hungry again, inexplicably,

then what ?

So she takes out a pint
of Haagen-Dazs-- a pint--

and just starts eating it
right out of the container,

and there was
just something about it
that turned me off.

Was the refrigerator door open ?

- Why ?
- Answer the question.
Open or closed ?

It was open, I think.

Would it have
made a difference
if it were shut ?

Would that have made
the act of a nonfat woman
eating ice cream...

a little less revolting to you ?

What if she'd not had dinner ?
What if she were legitimately hungry...

before she shoved her face
into a trough of Haagen-Dazs ?

Would it have repulsed you less
if she used a dish ?

- Good night, you psycho !
- Good night, neophiliac !

? Hallelujah
Hallelujah ?

- ? Hallelujah
Hallelujah ?
- Are you sitting down ?

Oprah read the article
on her show today.

The audience went so crazy for it,
she called us personally,

begging for Dr. Charles
to appear as her guest.

- What ?
- I told everyone in P.R.
a different story.

She's vacationing in Hong Kong.
She's at a conference in Tangiers.

- Oh, this is bad.
- No, no, no.
This is all good.

Okay ? Trust me.
I've got it all under control.

This won't come
anywhere near you.

"And so, while the male
may often seem shy...

"with all his Uriah Heep
hand-wringin' and
'aw, shucks' toe-kickin',

"he's actually a narcissist...

"because this apparent
shyness belies the more
deeply rooted feelings...

"of unworthiness
and fear of rejection.

"And this is what compels him
to constantly seek attention...

from new cow after new cow
ad nauseam, ad infinitum."

This is such great stuff.

It obliterates any sentimentality
we might have...

about what
noble creatures men are.

This right here is what
we've been looking for.
It's- It's provocative.

It's clever.
It's got mass appeal
written all over it.

There's just one problem.
Nobody can seem
to find this woman.

The Today Show's tried.
Oprah's tried.

- Yeah, and have you tried ?
- Eddie ?

- Uh, well, no.
- Well, get on it !

Do you realize what
we're talking about here ?

- [ Both ]
The ungettable get ?
- Yes !

I don't care what it takes.
You find that Dr. Marie Charles...

and bring her here
to my studio.

Let me get this straight.
Your best friend works
at M magazine...

and she has no idea
where this cow doctor is ?

That's what she said.

[ Eddie ] I don't buy that.
Why are you holding out on me ?

[Jane ] I'm not !
I told you she's working on it !

- Just give me her number.
- I'm not gonna give you
her number.

- Why not ?
- She's working on it !

- Besides, you'd never reach her.
She's at Jivamukti.
- Huh ?

- Yoga.
- Yoga what ?

- Jivamukti.
- Jiv--

[ Beeps ]

- Manhattan. Jivamukti.
- Eddie !

It's a yoga place.

Eddie, don't be a jerk !

Eddie, come on !

- This is so ridiculous.
- Ohhh !

Hey, hey, you have
to leave your shoes in here.

?? [ Chanting ]

Liz ?
Excuse me.

Jerk, she is my best friend.
I would certainly know if--

- Jane ?
- [ Yelps ]

Stay !

- Bring your leg up higher.
- Excuse me, sir,
you're gonna have to leave.

Gee. Sorry. I know.
I'm just looking for a friend.

- Oh.
- [ Screams ]

- Sorry. You okay ?
- Eddie.

How you doin', Becca ?

I'm good.

What are you
doing here ?

I, uh-- I- I don't know.

Come, class.
Let's forget about
this disturbance.

It's okay. Everyone,
let's come on up.

Get back to your spaces
and let's prepare for lion pose.

Hey, inhale. Exhale.
Open your mouth.

Stick out your tongue.
[ Exhaling ]

That was Rebecca ?
Eddie, talk to me.

There's nothing
to talk about.

- Hi, Liz.
- I cannot believe it.

- Hey, Janey !
- Hi ! Hi, guys !

Eddie, this is my sister Alice
and my brother-in-law Stephen.

- You're... Eddie.
- Yeah. Hey.

- Are you two taking
yoga class together ?
- No.

- We were just-- I--
It- It's stupid.
- No, no, it's not stupid.

- We don't think it's stupid.
- No. We just started
the pregnancy class.

- [ Elevator Alarm Ringing ]
- Oh, yeah. Congratulations.

- Thanks.
She's a great breather.
- Listen, I gotta go.

- Hey, it was really nice
to meet you, Eddie.
- Bye-bye.

[Jane Narrating ]
Eddie preferred
to leave things unsaid...

and went back to grazing
in greener pastures.

- [ People Chattering ]
- [ Man ]
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas.

- I'm getting out of here.
- Okay.

?? [ Piano ]

- Uh, two champagnes, please.
- Yes, sir.

Shouldn't that be a champagne
and a Shirley Temple ?

- Sorry.
- No, you're not.

- So where'd you meet her ?
- She's Emily's roommate.

Emily that I made
coffee for last Sunday ?

Uh-huh.

Isn't that complicated ?

It's never complicated, Jane.

Thank you.

[ Men Laughing ]

Evening, sir.
What can I get you ?

- Scotch, please.
- Yes, sir.

[ Sighs ]
Did you hear Diane's joke
about the reindeer ?

Funny !

- [ Bartender ] Here you go.
- [ Ray ] Thank you.

[ Sighs ]

I miss you, Jane.

Am I-- Am I supposed
to walk away now ?

No.

Can we get away from this ?
Can we do something ?

Get together for lunch,
dinner, Friday night.

Friday is New Year's Eve.

Oh, that's right.
That's right.

You probably have
some, uh, plans.

- Don't you ?
- Yeah.

Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.

[ Clears Throat ]
I have--

No.

I have none.

Could I call you ?
Would that be okay ?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, Jane.

- Yee-haaaw !
- ? Jingle bells
Ji- Jingle bells ?

Well, you can't stop now.
We'll do it together.

You're syndicated
in over 300 newspapers.

Talk radio is having
a field day with it.

[ Scoffs ]
Clearly the world is
one giant used-cow lot.

- Look, I just want
to think about it, okay ?
- What's there to think about ?

You don't want to be
a post-feminist icon ?

Come on. Let's get something
great to wear for Julian's
New Year's Eve party.

I meant to tell you that...
I kind of made other plans.

I mean, it's nothing major.
It's not a big--

- Well--
- What are you talking about ?

- Ray asked me out.
- Ray ?

As in Ray Brown ?

As in devil incarnate ?

No ! No, I forbid it !

I- I- I thought you
were over this.

I think I'm having
second thoughts.

Oh, so now... Dr. Charles
is having them too.

- Done yet ?
- You got a hot date ?

- No, I just have to pee.
- Be my guest.

- What's this, party Viagra ?
- Huh ?

No, it's nicotine gum.

- When did you quit ?
- Oh, since Daphne told me
she wanted to marry a smoker.

Here.

Thank you.

Why don't you put on a dress
and come out with me tonight ?

Why, so I can
trail after your harem ?

- I'm flying solo. I thought
I'd keep my options open.
- [ Phone Ringing ]

Yeah ?

Although
that may be for me.

[ Ringing ]

- Hello.
- [ Liz ] You're home.

Does this mean you've
come to your senses ?

No, and I only have
an hour to get ready.

So quit worrying about me.
Go out. Have a good time.

I'm going to wear
that red lipstick you gave,
and I'll call you tomorrow.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

Why are you doing this
to yourself?

- Doing what ?
- Ray.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Okay.

- Well, if you change your mind,
this is where I'll be.
- Oh, thanks.

I think I'll...
jump into my pj's,

probably
watch a little TV...

- ..go to bed early--
- Happy New Year.

- Same to you !
- [ Door Closes ]

[ Man On TV] Now, back
to our special New Year's Eve
coverage with Hugh Downs.

To recap, it was
less than 48 hours ago...

that Ray Brown called
to confirm his plans...

to take Jane Goodale out
this evening,

a clear indication
that he was, indeed,

regretting his decision
to terminate their involvement.

So the question remains,
why hasn't he shown up yet ?

By all accounts,
it would appear that Mr. Brown
is sticking firmly...

to his September sanctions.

[ Couple Chattering, Laughing ]

- ?? [ Music Playing ]
- [ People Chattering ]

- [ Drunken Shout ]
- [ Party Goers ]
Nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four,
three, two, one !

Happy New Year !

Jane !

[ Cheering, Laughing ]

Whoo !

Ahh--

Ohh--

Jane !

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman Shouts ]
Happy New Year !

- Jane ?
- Don't even bother.

- I- I need to talk to you.
- Shh--

Excuse me. Why didn't you--
Why didn't you return my calls ?

You mean the calls
that came after the call
you didn't make ?

I-- [ Scoffs ]
This is not true.

It's so true.

[ Elevator Bell Dings ]

Will you stop
for just a moment ?

- Hey, Jane.
- Listen, I know it was inexcus--

- Good morning !
- Hi, Jane. Ray.

- There's a reason
I didn't show up that night.
- I'm sure there is.

And you know what ?
I couldn't possibly care less.

So let's forget about it.
Okay !

I don't suppose you're
interested in hearing me out.

You know what, Ray ?
The truth is--

Hi !
You did me a favor.

Any delusions I may have
still had about you,
they're gone now.

It was a gift.
You released me.

- For the first time in months,
I feel great.
- [ Tapping ]

- Staff meeting in my office
in two minutes.
- Okay, be right there.

Uh, what's wrong ?

Diane's wearing your shirt.

The shirt I bought you
on the sidewalk.

So, does that mean
that the, uh--

- ..the two of you are--
- Seeing each other again.

- Yes. That's what
I've been trying to explain.
- Wait. Stop.

Did you say, "Again" ?

I should have told you
a long time ago,

but Diane insisted
on keeping it quiet.

- We got back together
right before New Year's and...
- Oh--

and we went away for a couple
of days, and it was terrible
of me to not call, but I--

[ Man Shouting ]
Ray, I've got
Tony Robbins on line three !

- Ohh ! Go on.
- I'm really sorry, Jane.

[ Chuckles ]

- [ Sighs ]
- Hey, what is it ?

- "D--" She's "D." [ Sighs ]
- I'm not following.

Di-- Di-- "D."
Diane is "D."

Yes. "D" is for Diane.
"E" is for Eddie.

Ray's "D."
She's the one !

I mean, she was--
She is the one.
I mean, she--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
whoa, whoa.

- Just breathe.
Breathe, Jane. Breathe.
- [ Hyperventilating ]

Now, let me get this straight.
Ray and Diane are together ?

- Back together.
Together again.
- All right. I get it.

- Let it go. Ray and Diane ?
- Yeah !

Okay. Shh--
It doesn't matter.

That chapter's over, remember ?
It doesn't matter.

Now we got to go in there,
so pull it together.

Do you hear me ?
Don't cry.

- Don't cry, please.
You're gonna be fine.
- [ Whimpering ]

- Okay.
- We're gonna go in there.

- Good. You all right ?
- [ Sniffles ] Okay.

Jane, where are we
for next week ?

Uh, we're-we're all set
with Gerard Depardieu.
Right, Jane ?

Oh, good.
New movie ?

Am- Amazing.
Amazing.

I- I actually, uh--
I saw it. It's, uh--

about a man whose whole
marriage falls apart and--

I mean, it's brutal,
actually. I mean--

You know, they show
the whole love story first.

You see that this woman means...
everything to this- this man.

In fact, there's this- this--
this one scene...

where he actually sits
in just a-- a dark-- uhh--

It's very touching.
He's sits in a dark room,
and he just--

You just start to see
the- the tears and stuff.

I mean, the man
is completely, you know,
broken, and you feel it.

You really feel it,
and it's devastating.
It's a devastating--

[ Laughing ]

- Is this a joke ?
- [ Chuckles ]

N- No.
What do you mean ?

[ Both Laughing ]

I mean-- [ Snorts ]
I mean, is this a joke ?

- No, I saw it two nights ago.
- What's so funny, Jane ?

- Oh, can you believe this guy ?
- I know, I--

[ Laughing ]
So sensitive-- So--

So devastated when it comes to
some chubby French guy, but, oh !

Stomp on somebody's heart
in real life, and where's
his sorry-ass pity then, huh ?

Nowhere ! Why ?
Because he doesn't get it !

He never gets it !

Someone please
explain it to me.

Because I don't know
what you are talking about !

[ Murmuring ]

- Evelyn, is she free ?
- Yeah. She is.

Thanks.

I'm sorry, Diane.
I-- I don't know
where that came from.

Well, I do. I know
exactly where it came from.

You do ?

Some guy crushed you
under his boot heel,

and you lashed out
at poor Ray as being...

representative of the prick
that did that to you.

- I'm right, aren't I ?
- More or less.

Well, you can't do it, Jane.

- I don't care
how much it hurts.
- I know.

No, you don't know.
Now, sit down and listen to me.

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

About six months ago,
my boyfriend tried to leave me.

Well, he did.
He left.

And I was devastated.
I was destroyed.
Did you see it ?

- No. I- I- I didn't. No.
- Right.

Do you know why ?
Because if I fall apart,

everything around me
falls apart--

everything that I have worked
my entire life for.

- Do you love him ?
- Wh- Who ?

- Him. The guy.
- I don't know.

Of course you do.
Now, have you talked
to him lately ?

No. No. Not ex--
Not exactly talked.

Do it. Do it.
Talk to him.

I used to feel that if I
kept my heart to myself,

If I never let him know
how much I needed him,
that he would never leave me.

Well, guess what ?
He did.

And I lived in a private,
pathetic puddle...

until I couldn't
stand it anymore,

And so you know what I did ?
I showed up at his doorstep...

with two corned beef sandwiches
on rye, lightly toasted,

and I told him that
I was lost without him.

You said that ?

Pretty progressive, huh ?
And I'm happy. Go figure.

I never thought
I'd be happy.

[ Liz ]
And you believe her ?

This is true love ?
This is what we all
should be looking for ?

That is the most tragic thing
I've ever heard.

We're talking about a woman
whose boyfriend was screwing you
in order to get away from her.

And she's the authority
on romance ?

The only reason
she believes that crap
is because she has to.

She's an old cow.

Truth is all we need to do
is adjust our radar a bit.

You know, learn to be
attracted to men we're
simply not attracted to.

Whoa. Hang on.
What are you talking about ?

Well, for example, normally...

I might be attracted
to a guy like you.

But thanks to Dr. Charles,
I've learned to control my
passion for testosterone,

and now I can proudly say...

that I no longer find you
in the least bit desirable.

Oh, gee.
That's swell.

I need a drink.

[ Clears Throat ]
Does she have any idea
that she's completely insane ?

No. She's right.
Diane is an old cow.
He cannot go back to her.

Okay, that's it.

Jane, these are people,
not cows !

Hello.

[ Cat Mewing ]

[Jane ]
I should have known
you would take his side.

This isn't about sides, Jane.
It's about dealing with reality.

- And you need to get a grip.
- Oh, that's rich...

coming from an emotional moron
who's whoring his way
through Manhattan,

using women
like A.T.M. machines.

Oh, that's great.
I get dumped, sleep around,
and I'm a moron.

You, you get dumped
and become the disciple...

of some crone-slash-quack
behavioral scientist...

who can't tell the difference
between quadrupeds and bipeds,
and you're normal.

- She is not a crone.
And she is not a quack !
- How do you know ?

Who gives a shit ?

You know, while you were out
there buying these theories
about the horrors of men...

- [ Groans ]
- and why guys like Ray
won't ever come back,

deep down inside
you're hoping he would.

Men are evil. Men are scum.
But please, Ray, won't you
make a liar out of me ?

Well, you got
what you asked for, Jane.

He did go back.
He just did it
with the wrong girl !

It's over ! Over.

- Why can't you just let it go ?
- Because.

- Because why ?
- Because I can't.

- Why ?
- Because I was happy.

Because if this...
theory is wrong,

men don't leave all women,
Eddie, they leave me.

I know what
it does to you. I know.

Maybe that's why
we hold on as hard as we do.

We just can't believe
that such a miracle can
ever happen to us twice.

[ Sighs ]
And--

But it can.

Someday you'll
find it again.

- I promise you.
- [ Sighs ]
Look at me.

- A mess.
- I'm looking at you.

- And you're beautiful.
- [ Sobs ]

Hey, you are beautiful.

- You're intelligent... and real.
- [ Sniffles ]

And Ray is not the last man
you're ever gonna love.

[ Sobbing ]

I promise you he's not.

Shh. Shh--

[ Sobbing Continues ]

[ Sniffs ]

[ Whispering ]
Oh, my God.

- Oh--
- [ Eddie Breathing Deeply ]

Mmm--

Hmm--

Hi.

Hi.

Uh... listen.

- I--
- No, no, no.

No. No.

No, you're not going
to analyze this one, Jane.

- I'm not ?
- No. No. [ Chuckles ]

You're so hell-bent on making
sure things fit, you miss out
on all the fun when they don't.

- Eh ? Oh--
- Well, I--

No ? Right now you're trying
to rationalize last night.

Yeah ? Worrying about
what might have happened.

Me, I'm just getting a kick
out of the fact that I, uh,

spent an entire night
with you in my arms,

and I didn't even cop a feel.

Well...

maybe one.

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Chuckles ]

- Whew !
- What ?

Well, I'm relieved.

[ Sighs ] I mean,
for a second there, I--

I thought maybe you
thought last night was, um--

You know, or that
you would... think--
[ Clears Throat ]

That would've really
blown your Dr. Charles
out of the water, huh ?

Temporarily maybe,
but you would have shown
your spots eventually.

- My spots.
- Oh, come on, Eddie.

Men never fail to do
what's in their nature to do.

[ Whistles ]

[ Sighs ]

And what is that, Jane ?

Disappoint you ?
Abandon you ?

Hmm ?

What's really behind
these theories, huh ?

What are you hiding ?

Nothing.

Sorry. What you see
is what you get.

Is it ?

You know, this is not
about my nature, Jane.
This is about yours.

[ Phone Ringing ]

- Hello.
- Janey ?

Listen, Stephen.
Can I call y'all back ?

Your sister's in the hospital.
We lost the baby, kiddo.

[ Sniffles ]
Hey, Janey.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sobs ]

[ Sniffles ]
Did you see Stephen ?

- I saw him in the hallway...
- [ Chuckles ]

- ..getting water.
- Getting ice.
[ Laughs ]

Good luck.
God love him.

They break so easily,
don't they ?

[ Sighs ]

Last weekend,
he woke up in a panic.

He said that he had to go
shopping for the baby.

You know how anal he is.
I thought he was gonna
come back with...

thermometers and baby blankets
and safety gates.

When he walked in the door,
all he had was this little, tiny bag...

and inside was this--

this perfect little
baseball mitt.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sobbing ]

He got it in his head that
it was going to be a boy.

Janey.

- [ Both Sobbing ]
- [ Door Opening ]

[ Stephen ]
Okay, I've got ice.

I've got blankets.
I've got magazines.

Look at my wife.

Have you ever seen
anyone more beautiful ?

[ Laughs ]
You're nuts.

Diane, it's Jane.

I found Dr. Charles,

[ Applause, Cheers ]

[ Man ]
Okay, is everybody ready
to have a good time ?

Now, come on.
You're going to have to do
a lot better than that.

Okay, let me explain how everything
on the show's gonna work.

- It's a really informal show--
- Yo, Ray ! Do we have her
on the line yet ?

Two minutes. The magazine's
putting her through.

- All right !
- Two minutes.

- Diane, two minutes.
- So, Diane's going to come out.

The first guest is going to come.
We have about a 15-minute segment.

Our first interview is gonna be
on the telephone, okay ?

- Dr. Marie Charles.
- [ Audience Cheers ]

I'm going to ask you
one more time. Are you 100%
sure you want to do this ?

[Jane ] I'm sure. I'm sorry
to put you in this position.

Don't worry about me.
I just want to make sure
you haven't lost your mind.

- Maybe I have.
- [ Chuckles ]
Here she is, Ray.

- [ Line clicks ]
Dr. Charles.
- [ Cheers, Applause ]

Welcome. Rarely have I
had the honor to host...

such a distinguished
and extraordinary guest.

Today, Dr. Marie Charles
speaks out for the first time...

since the publication
of her searing article--

Network says we've already
had 20,000 hits on the web site.

- Holy cow.
- [ Diane ]
The reclusive Dr. Charles...

has agreed to an exclusive,
live telephone interview.

And I consider it
a rare gift...

from someone whose work
has meant a tremendous
amount in my life,

- ..as I'm sure yours.
- [ Applause ]

- Dr. Marie Charles
-[ Cheers, Applause ]

Hello, Dr. Charles.
Are you there ?

Hello, Dr. Charles.
Can you hear me ?

- [ Applause Continues ]
- I'm getting nothing.

- Where the hell is she ?
Where's the feed ?
- [ Diane ] Excuse me.

We seem to be having
some technical difficulties.

If you'll just bear with us,
I'm sure we'll get it repaired.

[ Sighs ]

Tell them to patch it through
on the other line.

- We can't. We only have
one dedicated line.
- Shit !

Okay, take us to commercial.

Uh, she's here.
She wants to go on.

Ho- Hold that.
Hold that. Hold that.

- She's here.
- [ Diane ]
Well, ladies and gentlemen,

it seems that the reason we've
been unable to get through...

to Dr. Charles
telephonically...

is because at this moment
she is right here in our studio,

having decided to do
the interview in person after all.

- Holy shit.
- So let's not waste
any more time.

Join me in welcoming
Dr. Marie Charles !

- Makeup ?
- Stop. Stop.

[ Diane ]
Show yourself, Dr. Charles.

[ Audience Cheering ]

- Wake up !
- [ Gasps ]

Jane, what's going on ?
Where's Dr. Charles ?

[ Audience Murmuring ]

- There is no Dr. Charles.
- [ Woman Groans ]

There never was.

- I invented her, Diane.
- [ Murmuring ]

- You--
- I invented her because...

I had something to say,
and... somehow...

I thought if--
if- if- if it were coming
from a 65-year-old Ph.D.,

that you would
see it the way I had--

as a truth, as a legitimate,
scientific truth.

But it isn't.
It's completely ridiculous.

And...

I lied to you all,
and I lied to myself.

Because
the real truth is that...

I was heartbroken...
and lost.

You know, and I just wanted
to understand it somehow.

I wanted it to be...
about them.

So everything
I thought I had figured out
was completely upside-down.

I thought this bull had gone on
to another new cow,

when, in fact, she was
an old cow who had
become a new cow again.

I mean, what was
I talking about ?

I was comparing
men to animals,

- which-- okay, let's face it--
sometimes they are.
- [ Laughing ]

But sometimes they are not.

Sometimes
you open the barn door,

or the hospital room door...

or the bedroom door and...

you find the real thing.

You find a guy who...

can sit with you when you
are at your absolute worst,

when you are knee-deep in
Kleenex, and your face
looks like a punching bag,

and you are a complete
and total mess.

And he...

can still look at you
and tell you...

that Ray is not the last man
you're ever going to love.

- [ Audience Murmuring ]
- [ Mouthing Words ]

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Scattered Applause ]

- Eddie ! Oh, my God.
- [ Applause Continues ]

[ Man ]
Hey, are you all right ?

All right.
There you go. Late edition.

? I been searching
a long time ?

? For someone
exactly like you ?

- ? I've been traveling
all around the world ?
- Eddie !

Eddie !

- Oh, Eddie !
- ? Waiting for you
to come through ?

? Someone like you
can make it all worthwhile ?

? Someone like you ?

- ? Keep me satisfied ?
- Eddie ! Eddie !

- Stop. Stop.
- [ Driver Shouting ]

Whew.

So, what you see
is what you get, huh ?

Minus a few gray hairs
and a Ph.D., yeah.

I'm really sorry, Eddie.

You should have told me.

I should have told you
a lot of things.

You were right.

It was about my nature.

Out of all the things
you said to me that night,

what scared me
the most is...

that I would find it again.

Because I have.

Would you please
say something ?

No.

? I have been ?

? All around the world ?

? Marching to the beat
of a different drum ?

So you're saying ?

What do we got to lose ?

- Everything ?
- Exactly.

? Someone like you ?

? Can make it
all worthwhile ?

? Someone like you ?

? Keep me satisfied ?

? Someone exactly like you ?

? Someone exactly like you ?

? Someone exactly like you ?

? The best is yet to come ?

? The best is yet to come ??

??

? Yeah ?

? How do you do it
anyway ?

? Like there
ain't nothing to it ?

? To make me stay ?

? No tricks
with smoke and mirrors ?

? Not anything
up your sleeve ?

? A second look and
it can't be clearer ?

? It's no mystery ?

? It's in the way you love ?

? It's in
the little things you say ?

? It's in the way you live ?

? And give your heart away ?

? It's in
the chance you took ?

? It's in the way
you look at me ?

? That sets you
a world apart ?

? And makes you
who you are ?

? And you are ?

? Beautiful ?

? You are ?

? Pressed on my soul
your fingerprints ?

? Goin' where
no one's ever been ?

? Well, I don't know how
but I know you're in it ?

? My life
my world, my dreams ?

? I try but I just
can't pin it ?

? Down to one thing ?

? It's in the way you love ?

? It's in the little things
you say ??

?? [ Rock ]

[ Woman ]
? Fighting fire with fire ?

? Watch out ?

? You might get
what you're after ?

? Cool babies ?

? Strange but not a stranger ?

? I'm an ordinary guy ?

? Burning down the house ?

? Hold tight ?

? Wait till the party's over ?

? Hold tight ?

? We're in for nasty weather ?

? There has got to be a way ?

? Burning down the house ?

? Here's you ticket
Pack your bags ?

? Time for jumpin' overboard ?

? Transportation is here ?

? Close enough but not too far
Maybe you know where you are ?

? Fight fire with fire ?

? All wet ?

? Hey, you might need
a raincoat ?

? Shakedown ?

? Dreams walking
in broad daylight ?

? Three hundred
sixty-five degrees ?

? Burning down the house ?

? Here was once upon a place
Sometimes I listen to myself ?

? Gonna come in first place ?

? People on their way to work
Baby, what did you expect ?

? Gonna burst into flame ?

? I don't know what you expect
staring into your TVset ?

? Fighting fire with fire ?

? Burning down the house ??