Some Kind of a Nut (1969) - full transcript

Woman: Mary,
there's a bee on you.

-Pamela: Look!
-Fred: Where?

There.

Look away.

-I can't.
-Why not?

He looks ready to...

Don't scream!

Don't scream!

Look, don't scream!

-Don't scream!
-Ahh!

Don't scream!



But don't scream!

Ahh!

-Fred: He?
-Pamela: The bee.

Why "he"?

Well, because all bees are "he" except the queen.

She's a she and
stays in all the time.

Hmm. Well, I wish to hell I did.

You and your
kinky picnic lunches.

Don't move!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Wahoo!

-What?
-Nothing.

How'd you know
how to do that?

From when I was a boy scout. I always knew that stuff would come in handy.



When were you
a boy scout?

When I was a boy.

I'm glad you grew up.

I'm glad I grew up, too...

Can you find
her left hand?

Ah, there it is!

Where?

Uh... yep.

Can you scare him off again?

If I'm looking for
a coronary I am.

Let's go.

Don't panic.
On you.

On me where?

Hold still.
Don't start flailing.

You flailed!

It wasn't on me.

What are you doing?

Blowing.

Boy scouts?

Reader's digest.

Lately?

They go with the wind.

Well, no violation...

...yet

-There you are!
-Ow!

Oh!

Hey, now! Hey!

-I can't help it!
-Do you want
a bee to sting you?

Oh, no!

- Oh, don't!
Oh, don't!
- Hi!

Oh, no! I can't! Don't!

Hello!

Where'd you go?

-Over here.
-Why?

I don't want to get
a parking ticket.

Oh! Hmm.

-Fred!
-Hmm?

-Don't panic.
-Where?

There!

-Blow?
-No!

There he is!
Hold still.

I got it!

Oh, no!

Pamela: Oh! Go away!

Fred: Get off me!
Pamela: Let go!

-Ow!
-I got it!

Pamela: Did you get him?
Fred: No.

-There he is!
-Oh!

Oh! He went up me!

-Ooh, I think I see him!
Hold still!
-He's up me!

Fred: No, that's me!
It's me!

"C" for Charlie,
section four, southwest.

Disorderly conduct.

One couple only.

Disorderly conduct.

Pamela: Ooh, don't! -

Okay.
Okay, he's gone.

Uh-oh!

Fred: Get away! Pamela: No, I'm going to blow!

-Look out!
-Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart!

I'm sorry!

Fred: I'm stung!

Fred: What?

--Huh? I don't understand... what are you talking about?

On your feet!
Come on!

Look, now, what did we do? What did we do?

-You don't know?
-No!

Maybe we go?
We're on our lunch hour!

We're on our lunch hour!

Oh! Look,
we've got to go!

Here you are. Sign your name. Right there.

Fred: Hold up.

Man 1: What happened, buddy?

Man 2: I was here earlier, I know what happened...

Laura Benjamin. I'm in the book.

Man 2: ...There was a hold-up!

Officer: Sign there quick.

Pamela: This is ridiculous!

Man: All right, move along, folks.

All right, it's all over. Go on home.

See you next Friday.

Wanna bet?

-Pardon?
-I'll be on vacation.

-How long? -Well, the usual three weeks.

I'm going to drive out
to the coast and back.

Good god!

Oh, dear!

Yes, Mr. Defoe?

Mr. Defoe: Can you spare me a moment?

Yes, sir.

Any idea?

Not unless he's heard about the park yesterday.

Oh, how could he?

Anyway, case dismissed.
You were wonderful.

I'm just saying, the world is full of bigmouths.

Yes, sir?

What's that on your chin?

Chin? Oh, a band-aid, sir.

What for?

A bee sting, sir.

I got stung by a bee.

Where?

On the chin.

Where?

Uh, central park.

What were you doing there?

Having lunch, sir.

-That band-aid...
-Yes, sir?

It's not one of ours, is it?

-Yes.
-No!

No. I'm...
You're right. I mean,

-it's not.
-A-ha!

Well, the, uh, nurse upstairs put it on yesterday.

She told me I should
change it this morning.

I did, and I had to use
one of my own.

She didn't... she didn't give me an extra.

-You think she should have? -Oh, no, sir!

-It sounded to me as if you thought she should have. -No, sir.

- After all, you weren't
stung here, were you?
- No, sir!

Get a flesh-colored one,
and smaller.

As small as possible.

Well, it's a pretty big sting.

I said,
"as small as possible"!

-Why don't you people listen? -Yes, sir.

What did I say?

You said, uh, "I said, as small as possible. Why don't you people listen?"

-Central park.
-Yes, sir.

We judge that as more
suitable for our guards,

porters, cleaning women
and...

...a few of our clients, but hardly for our tellers.

Yes, sir.

You'll find a list of recommended restaurants in the personnel handbook.

The one for tellers and junior executives is on page 44.

That's all.

Thank you, sir.

-Nurse: There you are.
-Mmm, where?

-Why, thank you
very, very much!
-Oh, any time!

Sure, we can save money
registering as mister
and missus,

and we'd also be
breaking the law.

Not really.

It's a respectable outfit we work for. Conservative.

Now, one false move and I'd be out on my social security.

You can always hawk this.

Hmm?

Hey!

That's... boy!

Just what I always wanted.

Hey, how long till lunch? I'm starving!

You just had lunch, dear.

You just sounded like
a wife, just then.

My wife. Ex.

Fred: You just had lunch, dear!

I'm trying to
sound like a wife.

Don't!

The big-hit wives, the ones that get held over year after year,

are the ones who make their husbands forget they're a wife. Huh?

Hey, how long till lunch? I'm starving!

♪ We will fight
our country's battles

♪ on the land

♪ and on... come in!

You shaving?

No!

No, I'm baking
a cake, actually.

But if I whip up the icing on my face first,

the flavor's so much better.

You know, this thing's getting worse.

Let me see.

-Ow!
-Oh, no!

-How's yours?
-Better.

-Let me see.
-No!

Oh, come on! It's part mine. After all, I did it.

Peek-a-boo?

Oh, it is better!

But mine...

Don't keep touching it.

Wife sound again.

Shave around it,
why don't you?

Oh, is that what you'd do?

Don't cut yourself.

Thank you. Thank you, that is excellent advice.

Excellent. I'll take that.

Boy!

Oh, look at that!

Fred: Hmm.

Come on in, love.

I didn't have
a chance to shave.

Fred, what would you have done if I'd fainted?

Well, I would've sent for ice water and a double Brandy

and poured the ice water over your head and drunk the double Brandy.

Oh! You...

♪ From the halls of montezuma

♪ to the shores of Tripoli

♪ we will fight
our country's... ♪

- Oh!
- You ready?

Looks better on
you than me!

- Oh, you tickle!
You! Ooh!

Mmm.

You don't need that anymore.

You're just trying
to be different.

What's wrong with that?

Get rid of it.

Funny, I was thinking maybe I'd like to go the other way.

What other way?

-Grow one.
-What kind?

Any kind.

Go ahead. Imagine one.

I'm trying.

Oh, my god!

-What's the matter?
-It's awful!

Well, try it different!

No, it's horrible!

Oh, you're doing it wrong.

I mean something sharp.

Stop it!

I'm not doing anything.

I know! I am.

-What do you think Mr. Defoe is going to say? -What's the difference?

Suppose he says you're fired?

-Did you read the personnel handbook like I asked you to? -Yes.

Did you find anything in it about beards or no beards in any way, shape or form?

-No, but...
-That's all.

But what do you suppose
people are going to say?

Who knows?

Fred: Hi there, Phil.
What do you say?

-Morning.
-Good morning!

-Mr. Amidon?
-Yep!

-Fred: Hiya, belle!
-What do you want?

-What?
-Who are you?

-Get out of here, you big, old... -Huh? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Belle! Belle!
Take it easy! It's me.

Oh, my god!
I nearly killed you.

Yes? -Fred: Good morning, Mac.

Hey, your mouth's open.

-Hi, Rita.
-Just a second.

Um, now what...

Um... oh, Fred!

And I liked the way I looked, sort of, so I thought I'd keep it, sort of.

Sort of.

You know, for how long,
I couldn't say.
I may get rid of it.

When?

-Who knows?
-I know.

-You do?
-Now!

Right now! Rid of it, now!

Fifteen minutes! Ten!
Five! Five!

Understand?

Mr. Defoe,
I want to say one thing.

Don't bark at me!
I can't stand it!
You understand?

Get out and get that off
or don't come back!

Mr. Defoe...

Yes?

This is the, uh, metropolitan guaranteed trust company, not the United States army.

-Stand up.
-Sit down.

You know, next thing, you'll be telling everybody what to eat for lunch.

-And the worst is...
-You're sick!

...you'd have everybody
eating the same thing.

-LSD!
-And he says,

"LSD."

-What did he mean?
-Search me.

I am.

-What?
-Searching you.

I can feel it.

I'm just trying to figure it out, love.

I know, I know.
I'm trying to myself.

I know it'd be easier to give up and knuckle under, but I can't.

I keep saying to myself,

"what are you,
some kind of a nut?"

What do you say back?

I say, "no."
I'm no nut.

-It's just...
-Yes?

I guess there comes a time, Pamela,

and this feels like mine.

I've done everything
everybody's told me
to do since god knows.

No question, I just did it.

-Like everybody else.
-What's wrong with that?

I'd rather be me.

But you're going
to lose your job!

Don't you believe it.

I don't believe it.

It's not a notice,
you understand.

Don't give in.

It's just that they want
to see you downtown.

Now, Fred, the main thing is, don't get up tight, huh?

Yeah, maybe I better give up.

-Why should you?
-You've given the place
a charge.

Maybe they won't be
too rough downtown.

Not while I'm alive,
doggone it!

Spell your name!

A-m-i-d-o-n.

You've been rated e-1-x
on the latest IBM.

You got a future here, son.

But you got to join the club.

Play the game.
And shape up doggone it!

A holiday perhaps?

-I just came back from one. -Mmm.

What's so wrong with a little beard, Mr. Burlingame?

Lincoln, Grant, Freud.

Lenin, Marx, Castro.

Your move.

Well, plenty of people.

Lawyers, doctors, scientists.

Hippies, yippies,
folk singers.

Well, not all.

Can you imagine a man running for public office,

successfully, wearing a beard?

Well, I'm not running
for anything.

Some think that
just the moustache
beat Tom Dewey.

Well, you're wrong,
damn it.

I am?

Oh, you're a smart aleck?

And if there's one damn type gets my damn goat, it's...

It's...

-A smart aleck?
-No! A radical!

There's two damn types
I don't like.

Smart alecks and...

-Radicals? -Damn it, stop interrupting!

Subversives. Smart alecks and subversives.

-And one damn more thing... -Radicals?

Women.

Discharge every damn
mother son of 'em.

-You agree, huh?
-Uh, no, sir.

-What?
-I like women.

In banking?

Yes, sir.

Get your damn time, damn it! You're fired!

But why? For a beard?

Would you settle
for a moustache?

No. No, no.
When I go, I go.

A moustache? No. No, that would be copping out. Uh-uh.

George: Guess who called
me today?

Fred: My lovely ex-wife
to be, right?

She wanted to know if
you're all right.

She thinks I've
gone ape, huh?

And that little guilt
is beginning to hit.

It should. I gave her five of my years.

Big ones. What did I get? Kiss off.

I wouldn't call it that.

What did you want to
see me about?

I didn't.

You did or you wouldn't
have called George.

I'd have called you.

I didn't know
we were speaking.

We seem to be.

-This isn't speaking.
-What is it?

Talking.

Who cares?
I don't need anybody.

-Mmm-hmm. Not even you know? -Who?

The future
Mrs. Whatchamacallit.

Oh, she's all right.

It's those button down
brothers of hers.

What's it got
to do with them?

-Quite a bit, Fred.
-Quite a bit.

Is it your intention to show up on August the 8th like this?

-Like that?
-What's August the 8th?

What's August the 8th?

That's what I just asked you.

August the 8th, my friend, happens to be your wedding day.

Right.

And we asked
if it's your intention
to turn up with that?

-Like that.
-Oh, no.

-Oh?
-Well, it will be
longer by then

Have you seen
a doctor lately?

No, why should I?
I feel fine.

Then what are you
wasting my time for?

Because I want you to tell me I feel fine.

Your blood pressure's
up a bit.

So would yours be after lunch with those two nerve testers.

Well, you're not
marrying them.

-I'm not so sure.
-Up a bit more.

-You want to see it come down? -Huh?

-Do you want to
see it come down?
-Yes.

Then tell me I'm right.
Indulge me.
Bounce me on the knee.

-I can't
-why not?

-I'm wearing
brand new panty hose.
-Oh.

Pretty lonely
on this limb.

Climb down.

Do you see that?
Even you.

You're as nervous as a cat. As a nervous cat, that is.

Hey, Sara, you remember
the good old
tranquillizer days?

Yes.

We all walked around
on foam rubber.

Cool as cucumbers.

-Lost my anxiety, ambitions... -Wife.

Yeah.

Okay. Come on in.

Anything?

Physically, you check out like a pussy cat.

You think I have gone bananas, don't you?

-What is it
you're trying to prove?
-Nothing!

You see it's not me against the world, it's...

It's me against me.

Huh.

You want me
to see a shrink?

No. Well, who's your
best friend these days?

Oh, George, I guess.

-Hey...
-What?

He's always telling me about this zen Buddhist priest he goes to.

-So?
-A wise man.

About 150 years old.

He must be wise.

What do you think?

It's fascinating.
Wise man meets wise guy.

Of course I don't know the first thing about zen.

You never will.

Priest: In our way,
you do not know.

You sense.
You aspire.

You blend.

They say relax and enjoy it.

-May I ask a question?
-By all means.

Am I right in doing
something if I feel...

Feel strongly
that I should?

Here is the answer.

What the hell was that?

Think.

Was I right to do what I felt,

felt strongly
at that moment?

No, I guess not.

Who are you
to judge me?

I guess I'm going to
get that one, too, huh?

Not necessarily. It's all part of the lesson. You'll see.

My cup runneth over.

Thus we see the folly,

of putting more into a cup than it will hold.

Or into a life.

Dig?

Live in the self.

Do not love the self.

See, and be.

Now, a koan,
a question.

Do not answer with your mind,

but with your belly.

What is the sound
of one hand clapping?

-Male without female.
-Good.

Thought without action.

Excellent.

Day without night.

He is a superb student.

Could I ask a question?

Should I keep it
or shave it off?

How foolish to use
emptiness as a weapon.

Not bad at that, he waited till mine was gone.

Of course, because
I perceived, my son,

that you are a smart ass.

Woman: Oh, great.
It was great today.

Fred: My legs are paralyzed, but the tea's invigorating.

Bunny Erickson, what's yours?

Fred amidon.

-First time?
-And last.

-Oh, no. Why? No.
-The dry cleaning
bill would break me.

Well, he drops it
after a while.
Stay with it.

I don't think so.

Can I buy you a beer?

Oh, I'm with a friend.

Your friend just left.

Okay.

So by that time,
man, I'm...

Heading for my
third fall apart,

so one night, I happen to be,

in a double date on
57th and fifth,

and I'm browsing around,

like some zombie. Like I'm reading cookbooks, for god's sake.

And, uh...

All of a sudden, boom,
I'm reading this zen
scam by this suzumi cat.

And like, I'm reading it till they close, around midnight,

and, blew my mind!

And the next day,
the next morning,

I pick up on him.

-And that was last
year and look at me.
-Fred: Yeah?

What's your bag?

Uh, very hairy.

Crazy.

The thing is, I don't drink.

Weird...

Oh, maybe an occasional
glass of wine.
That's about all.

Do you?

Quite a bit. Quite a bit.

Don't. You sound
like her brother...
Brothers.

She's got brothers?

Sure.

-Who?
-August.

August? Who?

-August the 8th.
-Huh.

Sounds like a king
of something.

August is a when.
My girl's, who.

-My fiancee.
-What's her name?

Baxter and gardner.

Spooky.

Man: Telephone for huncha.

Huncha, telephone.

Man: Huncha, pick up
the telephone.

Why? Uh... why did you stop drinking?

Because of this thing I heard about this Chinese legend.

A-ha!

-Did we order these things? -No.

-What is this, some kind of a clip joint? -Yes.

Uh, what Chinese legend?

The one about when
a person is bored.

-Yes? -A certain portion of food,

-and a certain
portion of drink...
-Yeah, yeah.

...is set aside for
his use by fate.

Or her use.

-Go on, baby! -And when he has finished,

his portion of food and his portion of drink...

That's it.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Or her portions.

-That's an Indian legend. -No, Chinese.

-No, Indian.
-How do you know?

Because I told it to you.

God. She sounds
just like my wife.

You got a wife?

Correcting me.
Practically her whole...

Her whole career in life
was correcting me.

What's wrong with that?

It's not feminine.

Not even when she's right?

She's always right.
What difference
does that make?

-Nothing.
-That's what I say.

Oh, is that for me?

-For nobody.
-That's me. Nobody.

Who you calling? Your wife?

-No, my girl. -Well, you got a girl, too?

Doesn't everybody?

So what are you doing with me?

-You asked me to have a beer. -One beer.

One beer!

I don't drink.

Hello, Pamela?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

No, I was saying
"excuse me" to you.

Well, home.
Where would I be?

Oh, that's, uh, must be
the late, late show.

Or the late, late,
late show.

What do you mean
you don't believe me?

I believe me. Shouldn't you?

Shut what off? Hold it, dear, I'll go down in the living room.

Hey, you're not
leaving, are you?

There, I shut it off.
You can?

Well, it must be
the neighbors.
He lost his off switch.

I am home. You do that.
I'll wait right here.

Check please.

Hello, where were you?

Home in bed.

This is, this is Fred amidon.

Hi, Fred.

He's getting
married to August 8th.

Hey, so am I!

The maharishi says
that marriage is work.

I say that marriage
is for horses.

I'll call you for lunch.

-Yeah, yeah, or a drink.
-Oh, I don't drink.

-Very wise.
-Ask me anything.

What is the sound
of one hand clapping?

Right!

Taxi.

Thank you, Harry.

Hey, watch out.

Taxi.

So, what do you say, buddy?

Let's go.

There's an extra fiver in it for you if you make it by midnight.

Right-o, governor.

I watch
them nutsy movies, too.

Only one thing...

Where are we going?

Gramercy 55599.

Do you know
the area code, maybe?

36 gramercy park south.

Got it.

Okay, Mac.
Pull it over.

Certainly officer.

-Registration.
-There you are.

-License? -Haven't got any license.

You haven't?

Uh, I got a learner's permit here some place.

That is no good unless you got a licensed driver in the car with you.

-I have.
-Who?

-You.
-True.

How's about if I give you a nice little bribe?

-How much?
-How about...

An extra fiver if you make it by midnight?

Right-o!

Where's the fire?

Good morning, dear.

Huh?

I just couldn't believe you were calling from home.

-You see that?
-I apologize.

-Where'd you get a key?
-You gave it to me.

Does your brothers know?
I'm sorry.

-Do your brother know.
I'm sorry.
-Know what?

About that key.

Pancakes for breakfast?

Mmm-hmm.

And then,

we could walk uptown.

Mmm-hmm.

And before we go...

Mmm-hmm?

Could you get rid
of that beard?

Don't twist my arm!

Oh, Fred!

Did you ever hear of
a principle...

-Listen, why can't you just... -Do you expect me, just because...

Oh, please!

I'd do it for you if I could. Anything, but...

When it started,
it was nothing.
It was a joke.

Now, it's like
the rest of my life.

I wanna live with you.

But I have to live
with myself, too.

Are you sure you're just not being whimsical?

Oh, I think firing me
was whimsical.

Just as whimsical, if you please, as Fred's reason for growing the damn thing.

Personally, I wish he'd left his face alone.

But, he has been here
for seven years.

And put in his hours and worked for his promotions.

And deserves better.

He needs your support.

No man can buck a system
all by himself.

This is the time to show them,

to demonstrate that we are not a collection of computer cards

but a group of human beings

with individual weaknesses and common strengths.

Follow me.

Yeah, let's do it!

Man 1: What is this about?

Man 2: Bunch of hippies.

Pardon me.

Are you the leader here?

You the leader?

No, I'm with him.

I'm the leader, I guess.

You got a permit?

No.

-Let's go. -But I have to stay here, don't you understand?

I'm the leader.
I'm the leader!
Take anybody!

Okay, where's your permit?

Okay, baby.

Okay, you're good.

Hi!

This is Heywood hale broun for 6:00 news.

We are here in front of
the metropolitan
guaranteed trust,

where one man's whim has
turned into wham.

And here he is.

Right over here.

Heywood hale broun,
I want you to meet
Fred z. Amidon.

Your name, please.

Frederick z. Amidon.

What's the "z" stand for?

Well, does that matter?

-Zany?
-No.

Uh, you organized
this demonstration

because you were fired
for wearing a beard,
is that right?

No, no, I didn't
organize anything.

I'm sorry anybody did.

Well, who did?

My fellow employees.

They hire the band?

No, that was something else. Somebody, I made a mistake mentioning it to her.

Do you regret your act?

What act?

Growing the fuzz.

You call that an act?

It was an accident, actually. A bee.

In your bonnet?

No, a sting.
I couldn't shave

and it grew, and I just decided to keep it.

But why?

I don't know.

And then?

-Pardon?
-And then?

Well...

Pressure. I couldn't stand the pressures.

You know, everybody trying to tell me what to do,

I never got a chance
to make up my own mind.

A man has a crack-up, right? I guess I just got to mine.

-So you cracked up?
-Yeah.

Because they cracked down?

Are you making fun of me?

Ha-ha, what makes
you think that?

Well, you do.

I'm simply trying to make a point, just a simple point.

You don't see anything wrong in what you're doing?

Well, sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing.

And other times it's wrong to do the right thing.

How's that again?

I don't have
anything more to say.

You want me to come off
like a kook and I'm not.

Look, if your boss told you to shave your head or you'd lose your job,

-what would you do?
-I'd shave his head.

Now, listen,
one last question.
Do you expect to win?

Well, um,
let me put it this way.

I'd rather be nothing
than nobody.

I'd rather be beaten to death than beaten into submission.

-You got that?
-Thank you.

And on that happy note, this is Heywood hale broun

in the chaos on the corner of 43rd street and fifth Avenue.

That's it, boys.

Broun: Where one man's
whim has turned into wham.

And here he is,
right over here.

Hey, that's me!

Whoa, that's me!

Where'd I go?
Move in, dope. Oh!

Zany?

Zany.

Uh, you organized this demonstration because you were fired for wearing a beard?

Scandal! Can you believe that?

-Well, who did?
-My fellow employees.

-They hire the band?
-No, that was something else.

Somebody, I made a mistake
mentioning it to her.

You're fired!

I never got a chance
to make up my own mind.

Mind! How do you
read him, doctor?

This young man is
exceedingly disturbed.

I'm simply trying to make
a point, just a simple point.

You don't see anything wrong
in what you're doing?

Well, sometimes it's right
to do the wrong thing.

And other times it's wrong
to do the right thing.

How's that again?

I don't have
anything more to say.

You want me to come off
like a kook and I'm not.

Damn right, not.

Now, listen,
one last question.
Do you expect to win?

Well, let me put it this way.

I'd rather be nothing
than nobody.

I'd rather be beaten to death
than beaten into submission.

You got that?

And on that happy note,
this is Heywood hale broun

in the chaos on the corner of
43rd street and fifth Avenue.

-Congratulations.
-Thanks.

Hi.

How did you know here?

Because, when I saw you
on the news tonight,

I knew you'd be heading for our old swimming hole.

But the pooler
didn't answer me.

What a mess.

Somebody's gotta bust out every so often or else everything stops dead.

But imagine you being
one of the ones!

I'm so famous
for my no guts?

No, for your "don't bother.

"Leave it alone.
That's how it is.
Let's have a drink."

Surprised you, huh?

Yes.

And you me.
I coulda sworn you'd be
giving me the big ha-ha!

Five years we were married, more, and hardly got acquainted.

Well, it takes time.

If you could think
that of me...

Mark.

Set.

Both: There's an extra fiver in it for you if you make it by midnight.

What does your little
miss whosit think?

Behind me all the way.

Quote. Behind every great man there is a woman.

And behind that woman
is his wife. Unquote.

I never cheated on you.

You're cheating on me
right now.

Mousing around with that
blow-up from vogue.

But weren't you and me basta?

Not until August the 6th, officially.

And that's
four weeks from now.

Midnight. Until then you're a dirty, rotten sinner

and you can deep-fry in hell, both of you.

About Pamela behind me.

-I lied.
-I know.

I know you know,
that's why I told you.

Hi, Mr. Amidon.

What do you say, Chuck?

Bitter and lemon for him. Lime for me.

Say, I caught you
on the tube before.
What's your gimmick?

What's the use?

Oh, I missed something, huh?

The point.

Oh, well, I get another whack.

6:00 news and 11:00 news
are the same news.

And here we are.

Oh, switch it off, Chuck.

I'm simply trying
to make a point...

I look insane.

Do I really look like that?

-No.
-Yeah.

Well, sometimes it's right
to do the wrong thing.

And at other times it's wrong
to do the right thing.

How's that again?

Wait, Fred!
Wait a second. Fred!

Wait, here take your... wait, you forgot your shoes!

Seems to me the most sensible thing you've ever done.

-'Cause you're nutty.
-Used to be.

-With me?
-Right.

In a rut.
Not even my own rut.
I was in your rut!

Doing what everybody else was doing. Same, same, same.

That was the name
of the game. Same.

-And now?
-Look at me.

My own truck, my own business, my own self.

My own ex-husband.

Almost ex.

Admirable ex.

With fuzz.

-Take a last look.
-Why?

It closes tonight.

-You wouldn't!
-Wouldn't what?

Give in.

I just saw myself. Heard. It's asinine. I am.

Oh, hell.

If you're so stuck on
a beard, grow one.

Not the beard but
what it says.

Hmm, well, they got
something to say, too.

Like, "you're fired."

Is that so important?

Isn't it?

Or is it what's her name?

It's a nice little truck
you've got here.

She's no righter
for you than I was.

What do you get on a gallon, 15, 20?

Don't do anything hasty.

Oh, 'cause if I'm hasty
I might cut myself.

Here we are.

What's the matter?

You almost made it.

Made what?

Man.

Well, so long as
one of us made it.

Huh?

You're sort of man-ey.

Take charge, boss.

That was the trouble, huh?

Too bossy?

-Good night.
-Good night.

What are you doing?

So long, almost-man.

Will you stop worrying? We know what we're doing.

Maybe a little...

Teensy.

That's the silliest-looking teensy I ever saw.

Pamela: Love?

Wait a second.

Oh, hey!

What's all this?

Whatever you say, love,
from this day forward.

Bottoms up.

Watch your language.

Finish. That's it, finish it, good.

Why?

Celebration.

Of what?

Of me!

Coming to my senses.

You're supposed to sip this, not gulp it.

Now, again.

No, thank you.

I don't more for any care.

What?

Is it hot in here, or

is it just hot?

No, it's cold.

Didn't I say that?

No.

Now, don't panic,
whatshername.

Take a deep breath.

Now, sit down.

Take your clothes off.

What?

Before I tear them off!

You'll find a list of
recommended restaurants

in the personnel handbook.

The one for tellers and junior executives is on page 44.

Lie down.

Hmm.

Pamela.

Will you get Dr. Ross.
Plaza eight, 7598.

He's passing out.

So am I.

Shh, close your eyes.

What is the sound
of one hand clapping?

Relax, Fred.

Here.

Somebody has to bust out
every so often,

or everything stops dead.

-Okay, he's out?
-He's out.

All right, Baxter, come on.

Baxter, what are you doing? Don't dawdle around!

Turn him around. Let's get him turned around.

Be careful. Be careful.

You sure you gave
him just the two?

Oh, my god.

You've got to be careful with this methylene probate.

It's tricky stuff.

It's liable to do anything.

Ten.

-There were twelve.
-Okay, all right.

Now, Baxter, try and work quickly, 'cause there's so little time.

You can do this, Baxter.

Lots and lots. Lots, lots, look at the beard.

Say, is he changing color?

Careful, it's very
delicate skin.

Okay, up above.

You're good.

All right.

You know how to do this, huh?

I'll try.

Baxter!

Baxter, hurry up!

-You want me to
cut his throat?
-Pamela: No.

Leave me alone.

Just once over lightly
and a trim.

No manicure.

Go on.

Hmm?

Would you get the hell
out of my dream?

Come on, just do it.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Now, Fred...
Easy!

What's happening?

Those pills!

Look out.

Oh, no, Fred.

Get him!

You must've given him
the wrong stuff.

Pamela: I gave him
what they gave me
to give him.

Gardner: It backfired,
that's all.

Gardner: Fred!
Pamela: Fred!

-Baxter: Fred!
-Fred!

Oh-ho.

-I'll break it. -You're gonna cut yourself.

There.
Come on, hurry up!

Baxter: Hurry up!
Keep going!

Ow!

Pamela: Oh, the stairs.

Baxter: The stairs. -Gardner: The stairs, come on!

Baxter: Hurry.

-Gardner: You see him?
-Pamela: No.

Baxter: Basement. He's going to the basement.

Gardner: Wait, no. You stay here. You stay here.

Table for one, please.

Baxter: I think I saw him. -Gardner: Where?

Check please.

Gardner: What did you do, you... -Baxter: Nothing, I'll fix it.

Gardner: Not that.
That's the water.

Baxter: I know what I'm doing.

Got him.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Cootchie-cootchie-coo.

Baxter: Hold it, Fred!
Gardner: Fred!

Ow, ow, ow!

Fred, ow! Oh!

Oh!

Pamela: Oh, up! Gardner: Up! Come on. Up.

Gardner: Here
he comes, Baxter.

Gardner: Fred.
Baxter: Okay, Fred.

Where is he? -Pamela: He's not in here. That way.

Baxter: Can you see him?
Pamela: No.

Man: Come on, Maxine. Get away from that window.

What do you want to do,
get involved, or what?

Maxine, come on.
Get away from there.

Gardner: Where's he going?

Pamela: My god,
he's gonna jump!

Oh, no!

-Jump it, Baxter.
-I don't want to.

Fred: Taxi.

Hey, taxi!

Cab!

Greenwich village.

And there's an extra fiver in it for you if you make it by midnight.

Baxter: Hold it! Hey cab!

Gardner: What are you doing? Get him! Get him!

He's not gonna get him.
The car.

-What are you doing?
-Pamela: You drive.

All right, you drive.
You drive.

-Gardner!
-What are you doing?

I'll drive.

-What are you doing?
-I don't know.

Hi.

Policeman:
Take it easy, fella.

Everything's all right.

You wanna get down
peacefully or what?

Wait, stop struggling.
Oh!

Huh. Boy, that'll rust
your revolvers.

Well, now, are you awake?

Sure, you woke me.

You have been asleep
for 23 hours.

-Sleeping?
-Yes.

Do you know where you are young man?

-Mmm, in trouble.
-Why?

-Nut factory. -No, knickerbocker psychiatric.

What made you say
"nut factory"?

You all look like nuts.

Not because you feel you belong in a nut factory?

No, you've never met a man more normal than I am.

Then how do you explain
your present appearance?

-You got a minute?
-Not just now.

How'd I get here?

You were picked up in central park in a near catatonic state.

Catatonic, what's that?

You offered resistance.

What is that
in layman's language?

And you were subdued.

Is this something
I can get over?

Brought here...

Wait, what is this?

Found to be drugged,
put to bed.

Oh.

And here we are.

-How you feeling today, Fred? -Just fine, thank you.

Mmm-hmm.

There are a number of friends or yours who are inquiring about you today.

Well, that's nice to hear.

Mmm-hmm. They're very
concerned about you.

-You know that, don't you? -Yeah, I understand they are.

Mmm-hmm.

Turn to the right.
I'd like to see what
your profile looks like.

Oh, you...

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, the other way now.

Little ragged. Over here.

Mmm-hmm.
Very attractive fellow.

Thanks.

Have you ever thought
of shaving your beard?

Just that half of it,
you know?

Oh, yes.

You see, one way would be to take this half off.

And another way would beto wait till this half, this half, grows back on.

Mmm.

-How do I get out?
-They won't say.

But it's been three days.

-Four.
-Four.

It would help if you'd shave. That's what Dr. Ball told us.

-Tell you what I told him? -No.

Well, he went over me and talked to me and said didn't I want to fix my face.

And I said, "yes, of course".

Then he went on about obsessions and compulsions and all that.

-How do you feel?
-Fine, why?

Would I be assuming any risk if I signed you out?

-You? -I'm the only one who can.

How's that?

-I'm your wife.
-You are?

-So far.
-How come?

Because, she's right.

At midnight, August 6,
it's all over,
if there's no slip up.

-That's what, three weeks? -Until then...

Of course,
if you'd rather wait...

Oh, hell no.

You want some good advice?

-Sure.
-Don't ever get in here.

-I know.
-You ever try to prove
you're not wacky?

Listen, we're not through. We're not... they're blowing every day.

Fred: You think
it's gonna help?

Bunny: More likely
make it worse.

Fred: Then why keep it up?

Bunny: Listen, what else
have we got to do?

Fred: I wish
you'd call it off.

-Bunny: We can't.
-Why not?

We're in too deep.

Well, how about me?

It's gone beyond that, Fred.

It isn't about
just you anymore.

You think I like growing this stupid looking thing?

You think Larry does?

Or Sam?
Or anybody?

You know, it wasn't as easy
as it sounds.

Turned out, some of the group
couldn't grow beards,

so we got 'em falsies
and pasted them on.

Some of the girls wanted
to put on beards, too,

so they wouldn't feel
left out.

But we thought that might be
going just a little too far.

There was some talk they might close the branch temporarily.

Maybe they will.

-Don't you believe it.
-Why not?

Tom says
they couldn't afford it.

-Who's Tom?
-Mr. Defoe.

-Oh.
-I forgive you.

You... me?

That is rich.

What do you think
got me in here?

-It was my fault, my idea. -Those goon brothers of yours...

I thought that if you lost your job, you wouldn't go through with August 8.

-And if that happened...
-Yeah, I know. I know.

But now Tom says...

We're willing,
more than willing,
to put it all behind us.

The subject came up yesterday and Mr. Havemeyer was most gracious, overall.

Defoe: We showed him the new personnel handbook,

completely revised, of course.

And after giving it his most careful attention,

he approved it.

I don't want 'em!

He realizes that one must bend to the winds of change, as he put it.

Pamela tells me you'll be coming back to us in a day or two.

Pamela?

Miss Anders.

Fred: Oh, that's nice.

-Well, we did it together. Goodbye. -Goodbye.

-Goodbye, I hope we see
you soon.
-I hope it isn't here.

Goodbye.

He'll be back.

I sat for four weeks with this thing like that,

so I did my share
of the work I guess.

Well, I'll be damned.

I mean, thanks.

I would never have
believed it.

And what's really great is, most of you think that I'm wrong.

But, well...

You know...

I guess that says it.

Except, I'm grateful
for what you've let me
see in you.

And for what you helped
me find in myself.

Thanks again.

Fred: Hi, thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, hi.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, thanks.
Thanks a lot.

-I ate too much.
-Me too.

-Can I come up?
-Sure.

-Just for five minutes.
-No.

-What?
-Well, not just
for five minutes.

Something I want to tell you.

It can't be much if you can tell it in five minutes.

-Oh, it's much all right. -Well, tell me now. Here.

All right.

Tomorrow.

-What time?
-Lunch.

-All right?
-Mmm-hmm.

-Good night.
-Night.

I thought someone ought
to get the place ready.

After all, you've been gone... what is it?

-Uh, four weeks.
-And a half.

Excuse me.

Say, you really got the place fixed up. Thanks.

You got talent.
I always said that.

-I never heard you.
-I never said it.

-Why not?
-Good question.

May I ask one more?

Mmm-hmm.

Why didn't you do
all this before?

Show me that side of you while we were still married?

The remarkable side

with courage and principle.

How come with me you were always a custard pie?

Fred: All the better to paste you with, my dear.

You sure did.

-We still are, you know?
-Are what?

Married.
For another 42 minutes.

Will you get that?

Hello?

Oh. Yes, he is.

What's-her-name, she has
something to tell you.
Important.

What do you want me
to tell her?

Lunch is off.

Lunch is off.

I don't wanna get stung again.

He don't wanna
get stung again.

Hang up, hang up.
- Hang up, hang up.

You don't notice anything?

What's the difference? This way, that way, as long as it's your way.

You know why I took it off? Because I didn't have to.

-I didn't even like it.
-Neither did I.

I was talking to
a fella in there.

In where?

In the mirror.

What did he have to say?

He said there's an extra fiver in it for you if you make it by midnight.