Slapped! The Movie (2016) - full transcript

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

Sha-ha, dah.

Broosk-da-da-da-boom.

Shadeet-hamah.

(SPITS)

(MUMBLES)

Brooks-dask-dask-da-boom.

(MUMBLES)

Milo-tamale-shakinee.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)



AUDIOBOOK: You are a winner.

You soar with the eagles.

No.

The eagles soar with you.

(ALARM BEEPING)

Shit.

I'm gonna be late for work again.

I know I shouldn't have
stayed over on a work night.

Did you hear me, babe?

I'm gonna be late for work again.

Bye jellybear.

AUDIOBOOK: You are
destined for greatness.

You are a caterpillar
waiting to transform

into a magnificent butterfly.



(UPBEAT MUSIC)

He's so cute when he's sleeping.

I'm gonna go start the coffee.
Okay.

AUDIOBOOK: Your life has meaning.

You are a king among
ordinary men.

A king with a huge penis.

A glorious penis.

A penis that should be
praised and worshiped.

Suagar-booger.

My little astronaut.

It's time to get up sleepy head.

AUDIOBOOK: You can achieve
anything you set you mind to.

Other men cower in your greatness.

(TROMBONE BLASTING)

Come on, Matty,
breakfast is almost ready.

AUDIOBOOK: If you were an animal,

you would be a dinosaur.

Matt, Honey, it's time to wake up.

Whoa!

Thanks, Shaniqua.

I'm not even hungry.

(UPBEAT JOLLY MUSIC)

(HORN HONKING)

Every fucking morning.

Come on.

Oh, shit, holy chode balls.

So sorry, Alexander, he's
gonna be a few more minutes.

It's all right, Miss Gaye.

There he is.

Give your mom a kiss goodbye.

Have a good day.

Have a great day, sugar-booger.

It's Matt to you, Shaniqua.

(UPBEAT SEXY MUSIC)

You wanna just let
me borrow your car

so you can stay here
and bang my mom?

Do you know if your mom is
working tonight, sugar booger?

Fuck off.

(UPBEAT HIP MUSIC)

I was watching Terminator
the other night, right.

And not that new garbage.

I'm talking about that classic shit.

It got me thinking.

What if I time travel back in
time as my 28-year-old self,

and I found my 10-year-old self

and I fucking jerked him off.

Would that be molestation
or masturbation?

I don't got time for your nonsense.

I'm too busy being
employee of the month.

Hey you two. Quit
giving each other FJs

and get back to work.

Idiots.

(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC)

Bro, bro, it's Jenna

('1HUNDID' BY FRENCHY MADE)

♪ One hundid every
time you go away ♪

♪ One hundid go on
and say my name ♪

♪ One hundid if we
gonna make it last ♪

♪ All I ever ask ♪

Here's your chance,
man, go talk to her.

I can't just go talk to her.

This is a workplace.

Who cares?

I'm so tired of listening
to you cry about

not having a girl to cuddle with.

Who cares?

Uh, how about title seven
of the Civil Rights Act.

Uh, how do you know that?

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's in the break room.

And you know what
happens to people

accused of sexual harassment?

What, they hold a parade for them?

Termination.

Dude, they're not gonna
fire you for talking to her.

Just go over there before she leaves.

Stop being a little bitch.

I'll buy you a beer after work.

Make it two?

Fine, just go.

Dick.

Nice files you got there.

Do you work here?

Seriously?

I've worked here longer than you.

Oh, so you're in like
shipping and receiving?

What?

No, I work right here in this office.

I was sitting at my
desk when you walked in.

You didn't see me?
Really?

Yeah, I didn't see you.

You didn't see me?

I was like two inches away from you.

And how do you not know I work here?

I see you every single day.

Wait, so you've been watching me?

Like some kind of perverted stalker.

You know that's sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment?

For seeing you come in?

Maybe you should take yourself
on down to the break room

and get a refresher course

because that's not sexual harassment.

Hmm.

What's up, Jenna?

Oh, hey, Matt.
Seriously?

We actually have to go, I'm sorry.

Alex is having a family emergency.

How the hell does Jenna
know who you are and not me?

I don't know.

Maybe because I'm not
a perverted stalker.

Well if it isn't the two
biggest vaginas in the office.

I knew I'd find you two in
here circle jerking each other.

So we have vaginas,

or we're jerking each other's dicks off?

I'm confused.

Both.

You fucking gender ninjas.

You know what, fuck
you, I got shit to do.

What the hell, man?

You gonna do something about it, pussy?

That's what I thought.

(CALM JAZZY MUSIC)

(FAINT ROCK MUSIC)

Oh, you got to be fist fucking me, man.

What now?

Oh nothing, I'm just having
PTSD flashbacks, you know,

remembering that time you were

talking to Jenna at the office.

Made yourself look like a dumb idiot.

Remember that?
Fuck off.

I don't understand
how you're so horrible

at talking to women.

It's like watching one
of those shitty Novelas.

All Novelas are shitty,

and you wouldn't have done any better.

Fucking right I would have.

Compared to you I'm
like Zac Efron's cock.

Yeah, whatever.

If you're so smooth,
let's see you do better.

Challenge accepted ese.

Can I get you guys a refill?

Actually, I was wondering
if you might possibly know

the difference between me and my couch?

One's more fun to sit on than the other.

Sort of.

The real difference
between me and my couch

is my couch pulls out.

So can I get you guys another drink?

Six shots of vodka de nada.

Nice.

A dirty joke and a drink order.

You're a real lady's man.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

Your moms would be so proud.

Just wait for it, wait for it.

(LOUD WHOOSH)

Ah, snap.

Told you.

You probably know her.

Ah, come on, I wasn't even ready dude.

I don't care.

Six more shots.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

(VOMITING)

Gross, I think you got some on me.

You know, I can't even
wrap my brain around

the fact that you are so
horrible at talking to chicks.

Look at you, you're like an
Abercrombie model over here.

You should be banging
bitches every single day

and every single night and afternoon.

Well it's not easy
for me to talk to women

like it is for you.

I'm not surrounded by a hot girlfriend

and hot stripper moms 24/7

who wipe the tip of my penis
every time I take a piss.

Fuck you dude.

I told you a million times,
my mom is not a stripper,

she's an exotic dancer and a saint.

And I don't even want
to hear this shit, man.

Look at you.

I would give both nuts and
the sack to have your life.

You can run a billion miles,

you get to wear all this stylish
clothes, and most of all,

you're not smothered like I am.

Well, I'd do the same to have your life.

You have a girlfriend
and a mom, two moms,

that love you, you're never lonely

and you get to eat whatever you want.

That there is a bum with
his hand on his hobo balls.

Day-bu gah-boos-uhn
day-boos-uhn-go.

Bay-tah.

Queta-su-noba day-boos-uhn-dah.

God damn it.

What the fuck?

Dude I'm gonna get AIDS!

(LAUGHING)

(LIGHTNING CRACKLES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Whoa.

Somebody's up early this morning.

I slept here last night?

I don't remember coming over.

It sounds like you had too
much to drink last night.

Where's, where's Matt?

Is he down stairs?

What the fuck.

I'm Matt?

Hey, Ms. Gaye, who do you think I am?

You're so funny Matty.

Are you okay?

What the fuck?

Oh, shit, I really am Matt.

Alex.

Alex.

Did you see where I put my phone?

I need to call my mom.

She's probably worried about me.

Alex.

Yo, I need to let her know I
spent the night at your house.

The fuck?

Am I high right now?

I don't remember doing
any drugs last night.

Ah.

What?

Nice bike, fat ass.

I'm surprised your tires
haven't exploded.

Good one, Vir-Gina.

We have the same bike dumb-ass.

It's Virgil, asshole and I
don't have that faggy basket.

Why don't you take
your bitch ass back home

before I shit on Matt's porch again,

blame you and watch your
whore of a mom whoop your ass.

No, I won't put my hands down your pants

and play with your tiny dick.

Leave me alone, Jared from Subway.

Hey man, you get away from that kid.

Tiny dick.

Oh shit.

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

I fucking knew it,
dude, get out of my way.

What the hell is going on, dude?

Why am I in your Ethiopian body?

I don't know, why don't you tell me?

I just rode here on
your mom's gay ass bike

in this fat ass Jabba
the Hutt body you have.

Have you ever done
a day of cardio

in your entire fucking life?

I find it and honor to
resemble Jabba Desilijic Tiure.

One of the most notorious
crime lords in the galaxy.

The hell are you talking about?

Jabba Desilijic Tiure aka Jabba the Hutt

or the Bloated one.

Seriously?

First introduced in 1983
with the third installment

of the original Star Wars
trilogy, Return of the Jedi.

No?

Got the little Ewoks,

they look like little George Lucas's.

I swear, sometimes you're the smartest

mentally handicap person that I know.

Is there a god damn reason
why my AC's not on right now?

My balls are sweaty and they're
like sticking to my ankles.

What are you talking about?

It's freezing in here.

Your nipples are fucking
hard as fuck right now.

Yeah.

So what are we gonna do?

You figure out what switched us yet?

I'm thinking.

Well think faster you're the smart one.

Will you shut the hell up?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Jesus.

Okay.

So we went to work.

We stopped by the bar afterward.

You puked like a little bitch.

Obviously the bum.

The one that slapped us.

It had to be him.

Oh yeah, right.

That mother fucker.

Well let's go find him and
make him switch us back.

Come on.

Skedaddle.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Oh, come on!

(HORN HONKS)

Dude, we crashed.

What the fuck?

Did you hit someone?

Dude, pay attention.

I'm not gonna be the only one
looking for this guy, okay.

(ASIAN THEMED MUSIC)

MATT: Oh shit, Kratos.

You know that guy?

Ah, yeah, he's my dealer.

I told you about him before.

No.

Come on.

He probably knows that
fuck that slapped us.

(SCREAMING)

What the fuck's is this guy's problem?

Just pretend like you're me.

Kratos, it's me Matt.

I buy pot from you homebroski.

Calm down.

This is my friend Ma...

This is my friend Alex.

I know who you are.

You think you could steal Matt's face

and then come up on my
corner and deal drugs?

What?

I knew about your machine.

Takes someone's face and
then puts on someone else's.

We didn't steal anybody's face.

We just came here to ask you a question

about one of your friends.

How do you know about my friends?

I don't got any bum friends.

Now get out of here.

This is my empire.

You can't have it.

Kratos, look into my eyes, man.

It's me Matt.

My buddy Alex and I were here last night

when some bum who walks around
with his hands down his pants

caressing his nuts, slapped
both of us in the face.

And by some weird voodoo
or magic or some shit,

we switched bodies.

He's me and I'm him.

And we just want to switch
and get our own bodies back.

Now can you help us?

Matt, my man.

Why didn't you tell me in
the first place, my brotha?

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Not this guy again.

I see you've met Joe Blow.

Is he sucking his own dick?

Lucky bastard.

Ah, what the hell man?

Get off of me.

I am so sorry.

Hey, Kratos.

This is Steve.

He's been diagnosed
with this rare disease

called Alien Hand Syndrome.

He's got no control over his right arm.

I told him it's proof that aliens exist,

and I offered to cut it off.

But he won't let me.

Do you guys know the bum
we're talking about or what?

Yeah, I know about the
guy you're looking for.

His name's Magic Mike.

He comes around every Friday

to get the recyclables

before the garbage comes.

Is he jerking you off right now?

Just go with it, bro.

I think we got the
answers we're looking for.

Hey wait.

Don't you guys want to buy something?

I just got in some real goodies.

No man, we're good.

Oh.

Oh, god. Oh.

I am so sorry.

I'm not.

(ENGINE REVVING)

I cannot believe I'm gonna
be stuck in this body tonight.

Bitch please.

You get to eat snacks and play Xbox

while my mom and girlfriend spoil you.

And why in the hell would I do that?

MATT: Because you're me.

So?

So we have to pretend
like we're each other.

What, why?
Seriously?

You honestly think anyone
besides my drugged out dealer

is gonna believe us if we
tell them we switched bodies?

I'm gonna go with no.

They're more likely to lock
us away in some creepy asylum.

You know I hate asylums.

I guess you have a point.

You're fucking right I do.

Fine, whatever.

Lets just get this over with man.

Shit, Holly's already here.

What's the protocol on that anyway?

If she comes on to me, do I hit that or?

She's definitely gonna come on to you

and you're not gonna do a damn thing.

You're gonna shut that shit down.

Whatever it takes.

I understand it's been a while

since you felt a woman's touch,

but you better not do anything man.

All right, all right.

Jesus, calm down.

What's this?

That is your itinerary for the week.

I don't even know what
half these exercises are.

And raw foods?

You know I'm not gonna
eat this shit, right?

You are gonna eat that shit

or Holly's gonna be eating this dick.

(LOW BASS MUSIC)

This mother fucking guy.

Fuck.

Chubby bunny.

No.

(GRUNTING)

What's wrong baby?

I'm just not in the mood, okay?

Not according to Mr. Action Jackson!

Action Jackson?

(MOANING)

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

I need to answer the door, okay?

What the fuck do you
think you're doing, dude?

What?
Don't what me.

I saw you grabbing her dick.

Her grabbing your dick.

You know what the fuck I meant.

She was grabbing your dick actually,

and she was the one all over me.

Whatever, just give
me the damn car keys.

You're a real asshole, you know that?

I'm telling you the truth.

It wasn't me, it was Action Jackson.

Yeah, I'm gonna eat
real healthy all right.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Do you have any sixes?

No.

I mean go fish.

Okay.

Do you have any jacks?

Yep.

You know, we should really
switch this to strip go fish.

No, I think we should
stick to the regular go fish.

Please.

(COUGHING)

What the fuck, motha fucka?

Did you just talk?

Fuck yeah, I said what the fuck?

Alex tries to fuck your girl

and you're just gonna
eat a fucking pizza?

Bitch move motha fucka.

Yeah, well what the fuck
do you suggest then, asshole?

You gotta fucking eat everything.

Everything?

Fucking every motha
fucking thing, motha fucka.

Do you have any fives?

Go fish.

Uhm, do you have any eights?

No, go fish.

(ITALIAN THEMED MUSIC)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(PHONE MESSAGE ALERT)

That's it, I'm gonna kill him.

Where are you going?

What's going on?

I'm going to my, I'm
going to Alex's house.

Why?

Because I'm gonna kick
the shit out of him.

Okay, well before you go
can I get a kiss at least?

Uh, sure.

I love you chubby bunny.

I love you too my thin bunny.

(ITALIAN THEMED MUSIC)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

I'm gonna kick your fucking teeth in.

(MUMBLING)

What?

I said, go ahead, they're your teeth.

Motherfucker!

I can't breathe.

It wasn't me.

It was the oven mitt's idea, tell him.

You mother fucking rat.

Help.

Puke it up.

Get off me Kevin Spacey.

Puke it up.
Rape!

He's raping me!

Puke it up or I'm gonna
make you puke it up.

(VOMITS)

Now clean yourself off.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(CALM MUSIC)

So you really didn't diddle my girl?

No, like I said, she ambushed me.

She fucking jumped on me.

I had to fight just to get away.

It's not my fault your body
is so irresistibly sexy.

And you haven't been
doing anything since I left?

Hell no.

We've just been playing go fish
like two real mature adults.

Man, Holly always kicks
my ass at that game.

Yeah, that's 'cause you suck.

Oh yeah, I made you a new itinerary.

How about you try
following it this time,

instead of throwing it away.

I'm not gonna throw it away.

Yeah, like you didn't throw
away the crinkled up one

I found in your driveway.

Can you wash that shit off my face

so I don't break out with pimples?

And please, please for the love of god,

will you stop eating junk
food while you're in my body.

Can you do that?

Fine.

Bitch.

(ALARM RINGING)

(YAWNS)

Best night of sleep, ever.

Good morning my little astronaut.

You forgot to put your sleep
mask on again last night

so I put it on you
while you were asleep.

I wish you would've told me Ms. Gaye.

This damn thing freaks me out.

(LAUGHING) Ms. Gaye?

Very funny, Matty.

What's that?

What's what?

Oh, nothing, I thought I saw a ghost.

Queeri.
Hey there cock boy.

Make me a pizza.

QUEERI: Oh fuck yeah.

One dirty little pizza
coming right up cock boy.

Oh fuck yeah.

How's that pizza taste
there little cock boy?

Hurry up and get ready.

Alex will be here soon.

Can you put some damn
clothes on Miss, mom.

I'm trying to get ready for work.

(PLAYFULLY) What honey?

No.

SHANIQUA: Hey let me in on this action.

Shaniqua.

(PLAYFULLY) Oh do you need some privacy?

Get off-get off.

Someone's a grumpy butt this morning.

I think you may have
drooled last night, Matty.

Whoa.

Those are some funky balls, son.

Ah, whatever.

(ENGINE REVVING)
('D.T.F.' BY FRENCHY MADE)

♪ Flashy with the ♪

♪ Millions with the millions ♪

♪ Donald Trump and foolish
with the billions ♪

♪ Money stackin' right
up to the ceiling ♪

♪ But money make you
greedy with no feelings ♪

♪ We flashy with the
millions with the millions ♪

♪ Donald Trump and foolish
with the billions ♪

♪ Money stackin' right
up to the ceiling ♪

♪ But money make you
greedy with no feelings ♪

♪ You want designer glasses ♪

♪ You ain't bout it ♪
(HORN HONKING)

♪ You still ain't fly at
all so say your thousands ♪

♪ Money spent on jewels ♪

I really need to get a bigger car.

Ah, yeah.

Have a good day today, sugar booger.

You too.

Fuck you, Shaniqua.

The hell is this?

Nice, right?

It's an exact replica
of Taylor Swift's mouth.

It's to help you take the edge off.

You know, so you don't try
and fuck my girlfriend.

Thanks.

Not in my body pothead.

Asshole.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Thank you ladies and
gentleman for showing up.

Can't believe we have
a sold out show today.

Although I'm not a fan
of your health care plan

I do appreciate President
Obama for coming to see me.

Speaking of health, I
obviously have none.

Will you at least pretend
to work while you're me?

I don't have time for that.

You do realize that the comedy contest

is in a few days, right?

Yes.

And do you realize there's a big chance

we'll still be in each
other's bodies by then?

Fuck, you're right.

Well then, you're just gonna
have to do the contest for me.

Nope.

No.

No no no no.

I didn't sign up for that bullshit.

You're gonna have to cancel.

I don't do big crowds.

Besides, you can re-enter
next year anyway.

Get over yourself you damn drama queen.

You do presentations
all the time at work

and you seem to do just fine.

There's a huge difference.

There's only a handful of
people who actually work here,

most of them we hate.

When I'm doing presentations
I'm not attempting

to make a huge crowd laugh.

What if I freeze?

Or they hate me?

I'm not trying to make
a fool out of myself.

Relax, if anything you'll
be making a fool out of me.

I already given you my
body, my secret weapon.

Now here are the bullets.

My material.

Read it,

live it,

be it.

I really don't think I can do this.

How about this,

you stop being a smelly clit

and do this competition for me

and I'll get you a date with Jenna.

I'll get her all wet and juicy for you

so when we switch and
get our bodies back

all you have to do is
slip the tip right in.

Yeah.

How does that sound?

Give your hand a night off for once.

It's a little graphic, but enticing.

How about this?

You get me the date with
Jenna while staying in shape

until I get my body back.

I actually have a respectable
competition coming up.

It's called a triathlon.

You probably have no clue what that is

considering it involves
physical exercise

but you're gonna need to learn,

because you're probably
gonna have to do it for me.

All right, and if you
help shed a few pounds,

I think we can seal this deal.

Come on, man.

Hey you two retards,

quit finger diddling
each other's urethras

and get back to work.

Alex, I need you to
start with this and then,

I said Alex.

And then get back to your other tasks.

What is this?

Is this cocaine?

(SNORTS)

If anyone asks, I was with
you two fucktards last night.

Hey boss, hanging out
with that white girl, huh?

Classy, classy, I would partake

but I'm currently doing
a full body cleanse.

I love those scrumptious shakes.

If you mention white girl

or say the word scrumptious again,

I'll fucking kill you.

Now get back to work.

There's shit smeared all over
the bathroom walls again.

It was me.

I wasn't done with that.

Look at these two anus clowns blowing

each other's dicks like animal balloons.

You do know they don't actually

blow on your dick when
you get a blowjob, right?

Have you ever even gotten head before?

No shit, I've had literally millions

of blow jays in my life.

You mean blowgays?

We don't have time for
your shit today Chad,

so fuck off.

Where did you get the balls
to step up to me, civilian?

You have no idea the
shit I saw over there.

(GUNS FIRING)

(GROANING)

You're not even close to being
on my level you little bitch.

I used to laugh at weak ass
chumps like you in boot camp.

Yeah?

Did you laugh at yourself
when they booted

your bitch ass out of boot camp?

That's right.

I know all about your Swiss
cheese heart full of holes.

So why don't you and your faulty heart

murmur the fuck out of here.

Yeah, look at Mr. Big
shot over here, huh.

Fuck you and fuck you.

Jesus, you know I got you guys this job?

I can fire you too.

I'm actually the one
that got you this job.

And you can't fire us, you're a janitor.

I'm a fucking custodian level two.

There's a difference ass hat.

What is this?

I'm getting it from both sides now?

You want some?

No, I'm just saying I got you the job.

Whatever, I have to go.

Apparently I'm the only one
who actually works around here.

But I'll be over at
your house later Matt,

to motorboat your
mom's fat tittaayyys.

I think you mean your
aunt's tits, you sick fuck.

Bro, it's Jenna.

('1HUNDID' BY FRENCHY MADE)

♪ One hundid every time you go away ♪

♪ One hundid go on and say my name ♪

♪ One hundid if we gonna make it last ♪

Here's your chance player.

It's pronounced play-a.

Playa.

Hey, prettiest lady in this office.

I'm the only lady in this office.

I know.

So, what happened?

Oh wait let me guess, you
messed it up, as usual.

Looks like you better start working out,

you obese son of a bitch.

You actually got her number?

Hey there little guy.

Looks like you were so
excited for our date tonight

that you woke up before me.

Be patient buddy,

I know Alex beats you
with his hand every night

until you throw up but I promise,

I'ma take you to VagTown if
it's the last thing I do.

(IMITATES EXPLODING SOUND)

All right, I know there's some muscles

deep down in this fat
somewhere to stretch out.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC)

Yes.

Yes.

How does this mother
fucker not have a girlfriend?

(KIAI SHOUTING)

Yee-haw.

It's hotter than a goat's
ass in a pepper patch.

Well how do Missy?

I see you've run into
quite a predicament.

Your pussy farm's in need of harvesting.

Oh, my, my, my,.

I reckon I have the
right tool for the job.

Bonjour, I'm about to make yo' skank ass

a dick club sandwich with double meat.

Extra heavy on zee jizz mayo.

Hon, hon, hon.

What's that you say?

Pussy caught in a tree?

Puh.

Well slide on down
this long dick ladder.

Freeze!

You're under arrest for giving me

a veiny throbbing cop boner.

I'm the head detective
of the pussy division

and you're about to serve

hard time!

Huh, Lieutenant McDickles mam.

Call my Johnson Ryan
because your pussy's

about to save my privates.

(SCREAMS)
(GUN FIRING)

There's been a nuclear cum-plosion.

Clean up in aisle my pants.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Okay.

Not today Vir-Gina, god damn.

So my mom tells me that
fat people have small dicks.

I would be offended, but
I'm literally channeling

all the energy I have into breathing

and grasping onto the
fact that your mom talks

to you about fat dicks?

Tiny dick!

He has a tiny dick!

He showed me it!

Will you shut the hell up, Virgil?

I don't have a tiny dick, okay.

I'll show you my dick right now bro.

Want me to whip it out?

I'll whip out my dick.

Whatever micro penis.

Waddle waddle all day
but you'll always be fat!

Fucker.

(BICYCLE CRASH)

Bitch.

I'm gonna tell my mom you fat asshole.

(GROANING)

This was definitely a good call.

I've always wanted to take an art class.

Once again, it feels so good
to be here with all of you,

in a creative environment.

Free from our smart phones and tablets

and computers and TVs.

(SLOW MUSIC)

Let's start with some
breathing exercises.

Now everyone close your eyes,

relax your bodies

and slowly inhale.

And exhale.

Now, with your eyes closed,

grab your pencils and just draw.

Let the energy around
you flow through you

and onto your paper.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Now everyone open your eyes.

Is that a dick?

Well, we know where your head's at.

I swear I was drawing something else.

What did you draw?

Same as you.

Now that we're all warmed up

and connected with our surroundings,

it's time to begin our lesson.

What kind of art class
did you say this was again?

Bare witness and let
your naked eye connect

with my naked human body.

Look very closely and study every curve,

wrinkle and pore.

Yes?

Is that a ding-a-ling?

Yes, is there a problem?

No, just,

I'm good.

We're good.

Everybody's good.

Now, let my features flow into your mind

and spill out onto your paper.

(CLEARS THROAT) Well,
I think I captured her

and her penis perfectly.

Another penis?

Is there something you want
to come out of the closet

for and tell me?

I'm just really good at drawing penises.

It's a gift.

Sure.

Let's see your drawing then, Picasso.

All right, you're really good.

Thank you.

Do you like sausages?
I guess so.

Why?

All these penises reminded me

of this fucking awesome Italian
sausage joint by my house.

They're closed now,

but if you're game we should
definitely go there sometime.

It's molto bene.

Sounds interesting, I'm game.

All right, let's the fuck out of here.

Bye guys.

Don't forget to leave
me a review on Jewpon.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

Hello?

Yeah, I know we don't have work today.

Oh, I can sleep in?

Oh really?

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who's this all this for?

For you silly goose.

Round one.

We're gonna see if you can
beat your seventh round record,

my little cowboy.

If you believe it, you can achieve it.

Oh, I forgot your orange soda.

I swear this bitch is
trying to give me diabetes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And print.

How the fuck did he
make it to seven rounds?

Don't give up, Matty.
You're almost there.

I just, I can't do it.

I can't eat another bite.

Sure you can.

Coming in for a landing.

(IMITATES ENGINE NOISES)

(IMITATES ENGINE NOISES)

I understand why Matt hates you now.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Good ball control.

Get that ball, nobody has it!

Come on, oh yeah, take it down.

(CHEERING)

Hey is this the bubble soccer game?

For the Jewpon promotion?

Yes, are you one of the parents?

No, here to kick some ass holes, sir.

You didn't happen to
notice there's a slight age

difference between yourself

and these kids out here, did you?

Yeah, but I read the coupon

and it looks like there's
no age restriction, so.

I'm in like nuts on yo chin!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(FLOOR CREAKS)

Feels like you have a few knots.

Do I?

Do you think you can get em out for me?

Yeah, I can try.

Oh, great, thank you.

How's that feel?
Amazing.

Good.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Yes, go.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Hey!

Come on, lean into it.

Come on, get it in there.

Let's go!

There!

Aren't you gonna do something?

Well...

He is way too old to be
out there with our kids.

But the coupon it doesn't restrict age.

Oh, come on.

That's it.

Either you do something about
it or we're out of here.

And we're taking our money back.

Hey, you.

I don't wanna play anymore.

Whoo!

Not in my house.

Not in my house.

I hate you.

Hey you, it's game over.

Put that bubble back where you
got it and get out of here.

Hey asshole, get back here.

Aw, that's my bubble.

Yeah, about to get it.

Oh yeah.

(MOANING)

You okay in there honey?

I'm fine.

Leave me alone.

Okay, no need to be so rude.

Wait, mom.

Yes, sugar booger?

ALEX: What's my best friend's name?

Alex?

ALEX: What?

Alex.

ALEX: What?

Alex!

ALEX: Huh?

Alex.

(MOANING)

Are you sure you're
okay in there, honey?

ALEX: I am now.

How the fuck does he survive?

Why have a fridge if
you have no food in it?

Get your fucking life together, man.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Hey, hey, hey fat ass Albert.

What's this?

Dude, give that back!

Just what in the hell
are you doing with a

pocket pussy anyway you pathetic perv?

It's not what you think, Chad.

You know how girls have
a bachelorette party

and they do like a dick theme?

Um, my friend Eric.

He is having a bachelor party

and he asked me to throw it for him.

So naturally I'm going
with a pussy theme.

And I'm using pocket
pussies as shot glasses.

See, I was just testing it.

Wait, Eric.

Like Eric from work Eric?

Yeah.

No invite for big boy Chad, huh?

Fuck it, we'll have our own
party right here right now!

Shots shots shots shots shots shots!

Dude, dude, wait, wait.

You know what, go for it bro.

All yours.

(CHOKING) Oh, god, what
did you mix this with?

Cum?

This is the most
disgustingly awesome thing

I have ever seen.

Man, this shit has me buzzed.

Hashtag, facial.

Hashtag, money shot.

Hashtag, seagulled.

And, post.

ANNOUNCER: Your video
will continue after

a word from our sponsor.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

What are you doing?

Oh my god, what are you doing?

Stop.

No.

Well, well, well, I do declare.

It looks like we have another suicide

by someone high off marijuana.

I'm Winfred Wade Wallace reminding you

that just because weed has
been legal in Washington,

does not make it safe.

So next time you get
wasted on that stick-icky,

remember it could be your last.

What the fuck did I just watch?

(OBJECTS SHUFFLING AND CLANGING)

Hey fellas, don't you hate it

when you're watching
porn and jerking off.

Everything is going perfectly.

The woman is beautiful.

She's moaning loud because
the guy is pounding her

like some insane centaur.

You're close to shooting
out your cum sprinkles

when out of nowhere the
angle of the video

takes a turn for the worse.

You're suddenly in a
very non flattering angle

for straight people.

You know what I'm talking about.

The angle behind the dude
where absolutely zero

of the girl is showing.

All you see is a hairy back

and ass crack with sweaty
manballs bouncing up and down.

Who directed this thing?

This was not what I signed up for.

Talk about a jizz killer.

Yep, there's no way I'm
getting this down in time.

Babe, what are you doing?

Have you forgotten about our
annual camping trip of love?

Uh, no, why would I forget
something that important?

Uhm, remind me what made
it so awesome last year?

Oh, last year was amazing.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

(SQUISHY IMPACT)
(GROANING)

You were so romantic.

I love spending time
with you by the lake

just eating junk food.

Making love under the stars.

Having you to myself for three days.

Grrrr.

It'll be amazing.

Uh, I'm just gonna forewarn you

this year might be a
little bit different.

I'm not feeling like myself.

What up mother fuckers?

And welcome to another segment
of E Zee Doez it on a Budget.

I'm your host E Zee

and if you're watching
this you're probably hungry

or just fucking high.

Either way, let's get this shit started.

Today I'm gonna be teaching you
how to make Ghetto S'ghetti.

And for all those haters out
there leaving bullshit comments

on my feed below, you
can go fuck yourselves.

Especially you RashelleRay24

and GordonGramsy62.

I will find you, and when I do,

I'm gonna beat the shit out of you

with your own fucking keyboards.

So remember,

words don't leave marks,
but keyboards do.

Hot dog, I'm high as shit.

What you will need for this
deliciously cheap ass meal

is a packet of ramen noodles

including the spices,
a package of hotdogs,

and last but not least
a bottle of ketchup

or Sriracha

for you weird mexi chinks out there.

Ewh, gross.

So now what you're gonna
want to do is open up

your noodle packet and
set it in the bowl.

Now it's time to set you noodles

in the microwave for five minutes.

Seriously,

how did this weird bitch
open the package so fast?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Who the fuck are you calling
weird you fugly ass nerd?

Are you talking to me?

Yeah asshole, I am.

Maybe if you didn't have bitch arms

you could open the
fucking package yourself.

Well my hands are kind of sweaty.

Here you go retard.

What the fuck?

How did you?

(MICROWAVE BEEP)

Oh yeah!

The noodles are done.

Now's the time that you're
gonna wanna strain that water.

Do you still need this?

Thanks fucker.

Take this and just add that shit.

Now's the time that you're
gonna add your ketchup.

Or Sriracha.

And just get it all up in there.

Mix it together and
then add your hotdogs.

Bon appetit.

And there you have it.

Ghetto S'ghetti.

Be sure to tell me how fucking
terrible this recipe is,

along with all my other
ones in the comments below.

You sacks of shit with no fucking lives.

Maybe I should stop smoking weed...

Huh, nah.

Stupid.

Awh, holy mother of god.

(SPITS)

That is disturbingly gross.

I miss my mommy's cooking.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

Oh, Jesus.

I just wanted to give you
your second bag of brownies.

Are you okay? You seem distracted?

Uh, yeah.

I'm fine.

I'm so glad we finally get
some alone time together.

You've been avoiding me a lot lately.

Tonight though you're all mine.

Momma wants some of that
anaconda you're packing.

Hey, hey, stop it with that lady!

Geez.

And let's be realistic here,

it's more like a baby
garden snake if anything.

Besides, I told you I'm just
not feeling up to it tonight.

What's going on?

Are you not attracted to me anymore?

Don't be sad.

It's not you I promise.

Work's stressing me out.

I got this comedy show coming
up I'm not prepared for,

like at all.

I'm just having stupid
man problems, okay?

I promise I'll have lots and lots

of crazy sex with you soon.

And you'll put it in my butt too?

Uh. Yeah.

If you get like a million enemas first.

Come on, let's go back to the tent.

Those brownies are definitely
gonna hit you soon.

Wait, what?

Hit me?

('GO 2 WORK' BY TONEZ THA PRINCE)

♪ Work, work, go to work ♪

♪ Baby you deserve a crown ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ I like the way she drop it down ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Like there ain't no one around ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Booty going clap clap ♪

♪ Sit it on my lap lap ♪

♪ Do your thing girl ♪

♪ Make a nigga want that that ♪

♪ Booty looking fat fat ♪

♪ Throw it in a catch that ♪

♪ Do your thing girl ♪

♪ Do your thing girl ♪

♪ Back it up, back it up ♪

♪ Back back it up like it's freight ♪

♪ Now drop it low ♪

♪ Drop it low drop it
low that gets weight ♪

♪ Now pick it up pick it up ♪

♪ Girl you gonna hurt yo back ♪

♪ The way she's shaking that ass ♪

♪ Like a pitbull when he attack ♪

♪ I'm like damn ♪

Wait.

Aren't you Winfred Wade Wallace?

That anti-weed asshole.

Well now, don't always believe

what you see on that TV now boy.

♪ I'm keep throwing this money ♪

♪ You know how to get it from me baby ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

(SENSUAL MUSIC)

Hey Alex, I hear you
want a private dance?

What?

No, I was in the area getting some food.

Thought I'd stop by and see you.

Ahh, so sweet.

Hey Alex, I thought that was you.

There's more seats over there, Shaniqua.

What the hell mom.

I mean, you're my best friend's mom.

This is getting weird. Would
you give me some space?

Calm down honey, there's
nothing weird going on here.

Ah, gross.

Get out of here.

Ahh.

It's making it worse.

Don't freak out.
It's making it worse.

Ah.

There's nothing to be
embarrassed about sweetie.

It's a perfectly natural body function.

Yeah.

I'm sure you're just
feeling lonely right now.

Very, lonely.

You serve alcohol here, right?

Yes, yes, of course we do.
Of course.

What do you drink?

I can get you something, sweetie.

I'm a grown ass man, Shaniqua,
I can get my own alcohol.

Mom, Ms. Gay.
Yeah.

Can you get me something to drink?

Absolutely, of course
sweetie, what do you want?

Uh, you know that drink
you make Matt sometimes?

The blue one with the ring
of salt and the wedges.

Blue balls.
Blue balls.

Coming right up, sweetie.

Be right back.

Holly, can I ask you a question?

Anything you want babe.

How can someone that looks like you

be with someone that looks like me?

Matt, I've told you this over and over.

When will you get it through
that thick sexy skull of yours?

It doesn't matter what you look like,

even though I think you're sexy as hell.

I'm attracted to the
person I know you are.

I love you for you.

And I always will, with all my heart.

Whether you look like this

or you turn into a skinny
little toothpick like Alex.

You'll always be my chubby bunny.

I feel so weird.

I'm all dizzy in my brain head.

Well, I probably would too

if I ate an entire bag of
shroom infused pot brownies.

What?

Who the hell mixes shrooms
with weed brownies?

It doesn't even make any sense.

Oh my fucking taint.

I've never been high in my entire life?

♪ Work, work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Work, work ♪

♪ Go to work ♪

♪ Booty going clap clap ♪

♪ Sit it on my lap lap ♪

♪ Do your thing girl ♪

♪ Make a nigga wanna tap that ♪

♪ Booty looking fat fat ♪

♪ Throw it in a catch that ♪

(SENSUAL MUSIC)

Mom.
Yeah babe.

There's not enough drugs or alcohol

in the whole wide world

to erase the memories from tonight.

All right.

Are you okay?

Keep em coming, Shaniqua.

Oh honey, I think you've had enough.

Shhhh.

What'd I say?

What'd I say, Shaniqua?

I said

I'm a grown ass boy.

You are.
Keep 'em coming.

For the bus ride home.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Holly?

Holly?

Calm down, sweetie.

You're starting to have a bad trip.

It's okay.

Calm down sweetie.

You're starting to have a bad trip.

It's okay.

Calm down sweetie.

You're starting to have a bad trip.

It's okay.

Calm down sweetie.

Calm down sweetie.
Calm down sweetie.

You're starting to have a bad trip.

It's okay.

(LAUGHS)

What's wrong, Alex?

Are you feeling okay, Alex?

Are you all right, Alex?

Haven't you ever been high before, Alex?

Alex, Alex, Alex.

(LAUGHS)

Gotcha.

Tag.

Gotcha.

(SHOUTING) Hey, you little bastards.

Keep it down.

Wake me up again and
nobody's getting any dinner.

You little shits.

You're supposed to be
watching us, you stupid bitch.

Tag.

Tag.

(PANTING)

(COUGHING)

(IN A DEEP VOICE) I made
you more pot brownies.

They're delicious.

Holly?

Holly?

Holly?

(GIGGLING)

Hey, Alex, do you want to join us?

Come join us, Alex.
Come join us Alex.

Come join us.

Join us, Alex.

Come on, Alex, join us.

What are you waiting for?

The milk's nice and warm.

Yeah, Alex, join us.
Join us.

Join us.
Join us.

The milk's nice and warm.

('GOT THAT GOOD' BY TONEZ THE PRINCE)

♪ Baby I got that ♪

♪ I got that good ♪

♪ And I don't no girl without attitude ♪

♪ No no no ♪

♪ I got that good ♪

♪ I got that good ♪

♪ No no no ♪

♪ I got that good ♪

How's it-how's it hanging?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(IMITATES BIRD CALLING)

Matt?

Is that you?

You're an old man.

You're old.

Yeah, so are you.

Who gives a fuck?

The hell is going on?

Matt? Matt?

Why do you keep calling me Matt?

I'm not Matt

Huh?

I'm Alex.

What?

(IMITATES BIRD CALLING)

What we never changed?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GROANING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Oh, it's okay.

It's okay.

Rise and shine chubby bunny.

Okay, okay, I'm awake.

Jesus.

Ah, where are your clothes?

Uhm, don't you remember
anything about last night?

I know you were on a crazy
trip but you were an animal.

No.

No way.

My clothes are still
on and the arm floats.

Come on, we didn't really do anything.

Did we?

Well you just whipped out
Action Jackson and went at it.

I went at it?

Bullshit.

You drugged and raped me.

I should've known you were lying.

Nobody mixes shrooms with weed,

that doesn't even make any sense.

You roofied me didn't you?

I wasn't giving it up, you
decided to roofie rape me.

That's what happened.

The fuck is that?

See, I was fucking right.

The fuck!

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Good morning, mom.

The fuck are you doing here?

Wait...

Did we...

No.

No.

No.

No.

We need to talk about last night.

Figure out what we're gonna tell Matt.

We are not going to talk
to Matt about anything,

especially what happened last night.

I'm outta here.

Put some damn clothes on.

(COMEDIC MUSIC)

Fucking voice mail.

Answer your phone dick.

Fuck.
(DIALING)

Come on, Holly, answer.

I need to hear your voice right now.

HOLLY: Hey, you've reached, Holly.

I'm on a camping trip with
the sexiest man alive.

No cell service, so leave a message

and I'll get back to you
when I have a signal.

You know, unless we're eaten by bears.

Roar.

Bye.
The trip was today?

SHANIQUA: (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Hey, Alex.

Everything all right this morning?

Yeah.

Now fuck off, Shaniqua.

Are those fucking JNCOs?

Fuck yeah.

Dope, right?

Wait, what the hell are you doing?

Don't worry about me,

just getting rid of
evidence from something

I'll never speak of ever again.

So did you and my girlfriend have fun

on our very, very romantic

anniversary trip?

Yeah, we just, it was
really boring actually.

We just stayed up all night

and she talked about
how awesome you are.

I disagreed of course.

And then we fell asleep,

very, very far away from each other.

Wow, after last night...

This situation is
obviously pretty crazy.

That, mixed with the fact
that Holly is so fucking sexy.

She can't resist my handsome mug.

I know fighting her off must be hard.

So thank you.

Uhm, you're welcome...

I guess it kinda has been pretty hard.

Like I said, thanks.

I really apprec...

Hey babe, why'd you storm out?

Oh hey Alex.

Did you fuck my girlfriend?

Did you?

Did you mother fucker?

Did you fuck my future wife

and mother of my unborn children?

Will you stop it.

Oh, you want me to stop?

Like how you stopped yourself
from fucking my girlfriend?

You're going to burn your
own body over an accident?

Why not?

I'll go kamikaze to take you out.

And please, elaborate,

how does one go about
accidentally fucking someone?

Huh?
Will you-

Will you knock it off?

Last night was the worst
night of my life.

You don't even understand, dude.

I'm not getting into any details ever,

but I guarantee my night
was way worse than yours.

No, my night was worse.

I promise you.

And I swear I didn't
plan or even remember

what happened last night.

I put that on my mother.

You don't have a real mom to swear on.

We both know your real
mom dropped you off

at some ghetto ass foster home

because she couldn't possibly
love a piece of shit like you.

You're a real funny guy, Matt.

Thank you.

No, you're all fun and
games, that's your problem.

You sit on your fat fucking ass all day

while your moms and your
girlfriend do everything for you.

You have no motivation at all,

you haven't even made
one grown up decision

in your entire life.

You've only been in my
body for a few days

and you've already gained weight,

god only knows what
you've done to my lungs

with all that shit that you smoke.

Oh, you're one to talk about motivation.

You've barely even practiced my stand up

and the contest is in two days.

You're going to either not show up

or choke like you always do

when you talk to anyone else besides me.

There's a reason you have
no real family or friends.

It's because you have
a shitty personality.

And the only reason I've tolerated you

all this time is because
I felt sorry for you.

I don't need you.

You're literally the most annoying

fucking person in the entire world.

And now that I'm stuck in this
fat fucking disgusting body

I can't comprehend why you haven't

fucking killed yourself yet.

And the reason why I haven't
practice your stand up

is because your material fucking blows.

You are not funny!

(GASPS) You take that
back you son of a bitch.

Nope, I put it out there.

I set it free.

And besides, it's not like it
news to anyone anyway, bitch.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Yeah, walk away pussy.

(SCREAMING)

Hah hah.

You okay?

I realize that a bottle to the face

may not have been the best idea but,

you did say I wasn't funny.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

Get off him, you're hurting him.

Oh, fuck.

I'm sorry babe, are you okay?

I didn't mean to.
Get off me, Alex.

Babe, are you okay?

Did he hurt you?

You know, you only had one friend.

You slept with my girlfriend
so now you have zero friends.

Unless you have information
on how to switch us back

I don't want to hear shit from you.

And once we do figure
this whole thing out,

I'll really be done with you for good.

What's going on?

Nothing.

It's complicated.

Is there someone else?

No, it's just you, Holly, I promise.

You're lazy.

You can't make any grown up decisions.

Yeah, okay.

You won't be saying that
when I kick the shit

out of this bitch ass triathlon.

Bonjour, you are a
disgusting fat American.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

You are weak.

You are fat.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

You remind me of my
wife, ugly and stiff.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I bet if there was a cheeseburger
you'd make it to the end.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

What is this?

You think you are pretty?

You are a hippopotamus.

Look at your fat ass.

Get out of here.

(KIAI SHOUT)

Get out of my sight.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Don't be a fat American.

Call me, I will make you skinny.

About to step up my game today.

Talk about a jizz killer.

What.

MISS GAYE: Honey bunny, I made your

third round of breakfast,
come and get it.

Not right now, mom,
I'm working on something.

I'm a real man.

I got this.

I won't choke.

Seriously, I thought
he had a smart fridge.

Isn't this shit supposed
to refill itself?

Where the hell is this trainer guy?

I've been waiting for minutes.

Man, maybe paying over the
phone wasn't such a good idea.

You know what?

Fuck this.

I don't need anyone's help.

I can do this myself.

(POWERFUL MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC)

What the fuck?

It's called a tomato, fat American.

Get the fuck away
from me you crazy fuck.

And this is called a banana.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I think jizzing for me

is a lot like when I sneeze.

Uhm,

once I start I can't stop

and it usually happens out of nowhere

and very quickly.

And I also look funny as hell

because I'm making
weird faces like, awh.

How was that?

Well it's great babe
if you could just maybe

loosen up a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, like it's good.

But you're really tense right now.

Thank you.

(POWERFUL MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC)

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Hey ladies and ladies,
here's a fun fact about me.

If you're not man or a family member

there's a small tiny part of
me that wants to fuck you.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And that small and tiny part
of me, it's called my penis.

I don't know why you're
laughing, you're my girlfriend.

(POWERFUL MUSIC)

Hey little piggie.

Swim fat American piggie.

I'm not even fat anymore asshole.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Just want to say that it
is fantastic to be here.

I actually just flew into town

and boy are my arms tired.

From masturbating on the plane.

(LAUGHING)

It's exhausting.

(VOICE DROWNED BY MUSIC)

(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, I'm Alex.

I mean.

Fuck.

Hey everybody, I'm Matt and a-

Fuck is, fuck you.

Piece of shit. Ah damn it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

All right you got this.

You got this.

All right everyone, line up.

Who's ready to run?

(CHEERING)

All right, that's what I like to see.

Remember, if you believe
in it you can achieve it.

I wanna see some hustle today.

On your marks.

Get set.

Go.
(GUNSHOT)

What are you doing?

Basically what I'm
trying to say is, you know

I'm still horny from last night.

So after the show if you want
to have some horrible sex,

come find me.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Thank you.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Good job man, good job.

Good job.

Give it up one more time guys for Kyle.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Your next person coming
to the stage is Matt Gaye.

Don't be a pussy.

You fucking got this.

Matt Gaye, to the stage.
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

Okay.

Matt Gaye, you out there buddy?

Oh, are you, are you Matt?

You can come up this way.

Okay.

Hello every...

Hello everybody.

Hello.
Hi.

Okay.

Uh, so...

One tiny fact you might know about me.

That you probably don't know about me.

I mean, I mean why would you know,

we haven't had sex, or fucked it up,

or fucked and sex, so.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I don't have an above
average size penis.

Uh.

I also don't own an average sized penis.

Okay, what I'm trying
to say is that, I just,

I have a tiny dick, so.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)
I

Another fun fact about me

is I thoroughly enjoy
masturbating, like a lot.

And I've noticed that
I jerk off really fast.

I'm much like the flash.

You can't even see my hand.

It's faster than that, I'm
just not horny right now, so.

This inspired me for a brilliant script

that I'm writing right now,

it's actually called
Whack to the Future.

It's action packed.

It's starring Tom Hardy
and Palmela Handerson.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Every time Mr. Hardy finds himself

in a sticky situation he
runs out to the streets,

just jerking off.

That's how he looks.

And right when he
reaches 88 miles per hour

he ejaculates and
disappears in the distance.

But instead of two flames in the road,

there's two steamy, gooey piles of cum.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Whack to the future.

Cumming, eh, this summer.

Masturbation doesn't turn you blind,

it takes you back in time.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(ROCK MUSIC)

So fucking tired.

I can't do this.

I want my mommy.

Ahh, thanks for showing
me your dick asshole.

At least I don't have to piss anymore.

Ladies and gentleman give it up

for your winner of
tonight's competition.

Carlos.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Congratulations Carlos.

Thank you, thank you.
You just won $5,000

and you're gonna headline at
our club for the next month.

Give it up for our runner-ups.

They're gonna be getting
some comedy classes,

hey, they need 'em obviously.

Once again give it up for Carlos.

Every one make it home
safe, thanks for coming out.

(FAINT ROCK MUSIC)

Sand in my ass.

Sand in my ass crack.

Why didn't I change before
jumping in the water?

So many regrets.

Who am I kidding, I can't do this.

So fucking tired.

Where the hell is everyone?

I can't be the only one out here still.

Hey there.

Whoa, are you like a ninja?

How am I supposed to finish this thing

with all this shit running down my leg?

Ewh.

Whatever, I'm just glad I'm
not the only one still here.

Oh, sorry.

Here.

What's this?

That's your medal.

You actually ran out of
time for the triathlon.

Everyone else left.

Thanks for trying and have a great day.

Bye.

Are you fucking serious?

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC)

Hey.

Stop crying you girly American.

Would you leave me alone?

The race is over. I lost, okay?

Go bother someone else.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I don't know what the
fuck you're saying.

I said, you are no
longer a fat American.

Maybe a chubby American,
but that's okay.

Stand up.

Finish the pointless race.

Do something for once in
your insignificant life.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(CROW CAWING)

Yes.

Yes.

Whoo.

Whoo.

I finished the race.

You hear that Alex?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

(COMEDIC MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

Didn't we just have sex the other night?

No, we haven't.

We haven't had sex in days
and it feels like an eternity.

Lately I feel like Action Jackson's

turning into like old retired Jackson.

Wait, are you saying we did not sleep

with each other on the camping trip?

Don't sound so excited about it.

No we didn't.

I tried but you just pulled it out

and started touching yourself.

So naturally, I did the
same thing to Misses Jackson

and we fell asleep.

As disturbing as that
sounds I'm actually relieved.

Relieved?

You're relieved we didn't have sex?

What's going on with you?

Are you cheating on me?

Do you think I'm ugly?

No, no, it's not any of that.

Lately I've been working
on fixing myself.

I know it sounds dumb,

but I swear it's not you it's me, okay?

One of the many lessons I've
learned these last few days

is that you are one of the most kindest

and caring women I've
met in my entire life.

You are so beautiful inside and out

and the fact that you
feel the same about me

will always blow my mind.

And for your information, Mr.
Action Jackson is not retired.

He's more like on a hiatus
gaining his strength

and I have a feeling he's
gonna be back very soon

and better than ever.

I love you jelly bear.

Well, it's been fun, but
it's time to say goodbye.

I know.

I'm going to miss you too,

but we'll see each other all the time.

I promise,

I promise we're gonna see
each other again, all right?

No, don't you, don't you dare.

We said we weren't gonna cry.

Might as well eat shitty one last time

before I get my body back.

Aww, that's so cute.

Is my baby trying to lose some weight?

I guess you can say that.

I only have time for four rounds
of breakfast this morning.

I gotta meet up with Alex.

Hey how's he doing anyway
after the other night?

He seemed really upset and
pretty sure he's avoiding us.

He's been a little weird lately.

Since the whole thingy between you.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

What'd you guys get it on or something?

Don't be a silly willy.

He came to the bar last night.

He drank way too much, so
we put him on the couch

and I think about midnight

he came into our room
crying, asking for his mommy.

It's really sad he's
never had a mother figure.

You know, we've really
enjoyed raising him

over the last few years.

He's like a son to us.

I'm gonna miss having you
guys around all the time.

Miss us?

What are you talking about?

You're not planning on moving?

Who'm I going to cook for?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just saying that you
guys are really awesome

and I love you so much.

Aw, babe.

We love you too.
We love you too.

You see him?

No, he's not here obviously.

So I did that triathlon
you were training for.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I actually hired this crazy
foreign dude off of Craigslist.

He kept talking shit to
me in another language

and was like throwing
fruits and vegetable at me

when we were training.

I actually lost the race.

But I finished.

They even gave me this cool medal.

You finished the race?

Like from start to finish?

Yeah, but like I said I lost.

Who cares man?

You finished a triathlon.

Like how many people can
say they've done that?

That's pretty fucking awesome.

I'm proud of you, man.

Thanks.

And I know when you came
by the tent the other day

it looked like something went
down between me and Holly,

but nothing happened I swear.

I mean besides me being
overdosed on the weed brownies

that she poisoned me with,

I couldn't even get a
hard on if I tried.

Wait, you got high?

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it man.

Oh, I bet Holly gave
you those weed brownies

I was cooking up.

They had shrooms in them.

You were probably tripping balls.

Yeah.

So let's talk about what happened
between you and your mom?

You know, your mother?

The woman who gave birth to you?

You didn't have sex with
her by any chance, did you?

I don't know what the
fuck you're talking about.

Yeah, you do.

You're mom told me.

You did her and Shaniqua dirty.

Even if there were true, which it's not,

how could I even have sex with my mom?

I'm not even me.

I'm not even Matt.

I'm not...
Hey, hey, hey.

Relax bro.

I'm just messing with you.

I wanted to see your face.

See my face, whatever.

Nothing happened, all right?

Nothing happened?

Yeah, nothing.

Are you sure?

Yes.

(SIGHS) Thank god.

You know that comedy show
you were practicing for?

I did that, I didn't get first place

but you are now the proud owner

of three free comedy workshop classes,

so, you're welcome.

Fucking, fuck yeah.

Awesome.

I'm gonna give you those for Christmas.

Wow, thank you.

That's amazing.

Can't wait.

And I'm proud of you.

You must've done a lot of work

because you were fucking terrible.

Yeah, I worked pretty hard on it.

No, I mean you were the worst.

Like watching you tell a
joke was like getting fisted

by someone wearing Hulk hands.

I get it, I was bad, all right?

Yeah, fucking unbearable.

I'm sorry I thought you
slept with my girlfriend.

Should've trusted you.

Yeah, I'm sorry that...

I'm sorry too.

I shouldn't have said the things I said.

I was just angry, being a dumb ass.

We cool?

Yeah, we cool.

(CALM MUSIC)

Oh shit, it's Magic Mike.

(LOUD CRASH)

What the?

Crap.

It said it's right here.

Come on.

Come on.

Gotcha.

Ha, yes.

Holy shit.

I hope your hobo legs are
broken, you fucking asshole.

(COUGHING)

Come on, wake up.

Quit fucking around.

You gotta change us back, dude.

Come on.

Come here. Come here.

You feel anything?

No, do you?

No.

Come on.

Do you feel anything now?

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

Are you, you?

Yeah, you?

Yeah.

You know what this means, right?

We're gonna fucking party tonight.

('PARTY TIME' BY JAE)
♪ Watch me break it down ♪

♪ You know I'm on the grind ♪

How you guys doing tonight?

Enjoy yourselves.

I'm on there, right?
What's up, brother?

Hey.

Civilians. Get that damn
bouncy house of my lawn,

you're killing my grass.

Your grass is already
dead, asshole. (LAUGHS)

Hold on, let me deal with this dude.

Can I go in?

Excuse me.

Sorry, no one gets in
unless you're on the list.

Ah, this is my house, bro.

I don't care if it is your house.

Unless your name's on this
list you're not getting in.

Whatever, it's Chad.

And I better be on there.

I don't see a Chad.

What? Give me that fucking clipboard.

I'm so going to kick their ass.

Hey, it's my house.

It's my fucking house.

All right, who's ready
for some Bigfoot dick?

(CHEERING)

♪ Watch me break it down ♪

♪ You know I'm on the grind ♪

♪ Never taking L's ♪

♪ Ain't nobody taking mine ♪

Hey, when you see Holly,
tell her the hiatus is over.

What?

Why?

Just do it.

Trust me.

♪ My cologne ♪

♪ She say she like the Jean Paul ♪

♪ Fire in the pocket just
for letting up the stand ♪

♪ Bitches all like to ball ♪

♪ I think I'm better than Kareem ♪

Boo
♪ Chicks like 'em built ♪

♪ Money on stilt ♪
Boo

♪ Flow so cold ♪

♪ Better hand his ass a quilt ♪

♪ Now I call it shivering ♪

♪ Asking what's next,
I'll snag yo chick ♪

♪ Now that's yo ex
better watch you back ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm coming that next damn ♪

♪ Look I'm so New Orleans ♪

♪ Chain around my neck it
look like Mardi Gras beads ♪

♪ Bourbon in the cream ♪

♪ Red and the blue ♪

♪ Everybody fresh to death
it's just like funeral suits ♪

♪ Super Sunday second line ♪

♪ We get it it all the time ♪

♪ Dancing in the zone just
like Deion in his prime ♪

♪ Turn a nickle to a dime ♪

♪ Everybody hustle ♪

♪ Talk that shit you might get ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Little man, little man.

Where you going?

Get out of my way Green Mile.

I'm going to the party.

Oh, okay.

Well I'll tell you what.

You might wanna go to the party,

but you ain't getting in
unless your name's on the list.

My name's Virgil.

Virgil.

Well I don't see a Virgil,

but I do see a Vir-Gina.

I said my name's Virgil, ass clown.

Ooh.

Well I'll tell you what.

Unless your name's on this
list you ain't getting in.

Whoa.

You heard what I said?

Unless your name is on this
list, you ain't getting in.

Fine.

My name's

Virgina.

I'm sorry, a little bit louder.

I said my name's

Virgina.

Yeah it is.
Yeah it is.

Told you we could get him to say it.

This is an adult party only.

Fuck off Virgina.

(PARTY MUSIC)
(HORNS HONKING)

Hey you.

Wanna make out?

My breath smells like tuna shit.

Motha fucka.

On your marks, get set.

Go.

I was never here.

I just love being in
a social environment.

Free from the distractions
of technology.

You lose.

Take it off.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING IN THE BACKGROUND)

Dude.

Is that a dick?

Well, it's not a belly button.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

♪ Everybody hustle ♪

♪ That shit you might get muscled ♪

♪ We the general ♪

Oh my god.

I've missed you so much baby.

Babe, I just saw you this morning.

I know, but it feels
like it's been an eternity.

Oh, I'm supposed to tell
you, the hiatus is over.

Really?

Come with me papa bear.

(ELECTRIC RAZOR BUZZING)

(PARTY MUSIC)

There you are.

Yeah, here I am.

So when are you going to take me

to this Italian restaurant of yours?

Or were you just teasing
me with sausage?

Sausage?

Oh right.

The Italian restaurant because
they have sausage there.

Yeah.

Makes sense.
Makes sense.

Ah, your Birthday?

My Birthday?

No.

Next week.

This weekend?

Tomorrow?

How about right now?

♪ Watch me break it down you know ♪

(MOANING)

This is the best I've ever had.

Oh, Jelly Bear.

(MOANING)

Oh, Holly.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

(MOANING)

Alex.
Jenna.

(LOUD BUZZING)

(MOANING)
Holly.

JENNA: Who the fuck is Holly?

MATT: Jenna?

JENNA: Who's Holly?

MATT: How did I?

Tell me who she is.
Oh, shit.

Get off of me.

(FAINT PARTY MUSIC)

(MOANING)

Oh, Jenna...

Jenna?

From your work?

Mother fucker.

('VERBAL WARFARE' BY LETHAL INJEKTION)

♪ Cover the gossip of the war,
be with the clown, nigga ♪

♪ Ordered the shot and
reportedly plotted the hound ♪

♪ Ask your rabbi why they
turned me the bad guy ♪

♪ Blast they ass, fly to
your noodle like pad Thai ♪

♪ Baskin' as I wickedly stab thy ♪

♪ Crab that had my name
and is met the last sight ♪

♪ If you're trippin' with
Nina then I'mma shoot ya ♪

♪ Nigga, fuck a rifle, I
do it with the bazooka ♪

♪ A lot of motherfuckers
they be softer than a luffa ♪

I love, love, love this song.

Yes.

What are you drinking?

Oh, this?
Can I have some?

Yeah.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, yeah.

You're so soft.

I love it.

And I love you.

♪ After me, I'm a catastrophe ♪

♪ When I'm finished you
nigga look like a pasta C ♪

♪ What'll happen if a
nigga wanna clash with me ♪

♪ I be killin' 'em and
that's the way it has to be ♪

♪ It's on on sight, run to the light ♪

♪ Touch mics and fight for your life ♪

♪ Ooh yeah this is verbal warfare ♪

♪ Maybe you're crazy
enough to go there ♪

♪ I'm on the war path you
motherfuckin' shakin' ♪

♪ I'm a gladiator you don't
know who you're facing ♪

♪ I'm gonna go till death I
can hear your heart racin' ♪

♪ I ain't scared for you
lames, I ain't playin' ♪

♪ Hit you subliminal with
defendable syllable ♪

♪ The original general
was literal criminal ♪

♪ Now I'm killin' 'em digital,
I'm fillin' the minimal ♪

♪ Can't be winnin' because
I'm leavin' 'em critical ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You want it with me ♪

♪ You better man the fuck
up, be prepared to bleed ♪

♪ I come through a battle
starrin', yes, indeed ♪

♪ I go in like I ain't ate in weeks ♪

♪ You're never the same
I'm choppin' them things ♪

♪ I'm poppin' at rage
you think I'm deranged ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' I'm sane ♪

♪ You think it's a game,
although had an break ♪

♪ I don't think the same, I
don't run against the grain ♪

♪ Knock 'em out the frame while
I'm spittin' these flames ♪

♪ Get this verbal machine gun ♪

Phew.

Well, well, well.

What we have there folks is
some mighty fine marijuana.

Why don't you let me hold
that think just a second here?

See what's in here now?

♪ I got it all to gain
and nothin' to lose ♪

♪ You got me to blame, I
don't have to explain ♪

♪ You can see the gauge
and it's pumpin' shells ♪

♪ I'm here to maim, are
you not entertained ♪

Well, what's your name?

♪ Touch mics and fight for your life ♪

♪ Ooh yeah, this is verbal warfare ♪

♪ Maybe you're crazy
enough to go there ♪

♪ Twista ♪

♪ Like entertainment for the emperor ♪

♪ Get served a subpoena for
enterin' into the arena ♪

♪ Comin' like I'm a marine,
a machine, I'm a demon ♪

♪ And Nina, we neither are conscious ♪

♪ Or fittin' my demeanor ♪

♪ King Leonidas, if he invite
us, then he'll fight us ♪

♪ Up in the auditorium of the emporium ♪

♪ Or we will murder and
massacre enemies ♪

♪ Whenever they up for challengin'
a battle valedictorian ♪

♪ Verbal split 'em in
critical like it's political ♪

♪ Your artillery killin'
me, it's kinda pitiful ♪

♪ Who let you enter the
octagon with the lyrical ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm takin' in
it to proportions ♪

♪ That'll be biblical ♪

♪ Catastrophic, any move
I'm makin' is pivotal ♪

♪ Spiritual, ain't no subliminal,
my cloak ain't invisible ♪

♪ Violent individual, triumphant
whenever I'm challengin' ♪

♪ I'm throwin' a javelin
and I'mma get at you ♪

♪ General and a sergeant
when I'm marchin' ♪

♪ I'm carvin' through the
competition like I was heartless ♪

♪ H2's in the garages,
goin' to war regardless ♪

♪ And we gon' be comin'
through with barrages ♪

♪ And I'mma get Tech and
speed it up if I have to ♪

♪ Arizona when I heat
it up with The Raskal ♪

♪ A .50 Caliber for any challenger ♪

♪ With the style of a soldier ♪

And that's why you don't pass
out at a mothafucking party.

Motha fucka.

♪ Man on a mission with
ammunition in a position ♪

♪ To get commission if I
kill 'em and blow 'em away ♪

♪ Try to come in here actin'
like a fool, I'mma do ya ♪

♪ Show my gratitude with
the attitude of a Ruger ♪

♪ If you die, who the hell care ♪

♪ It's verbal warfare ♪

♪ I pop one into your medulla ♪

♪ It's on on sight, run to the light ♪

♪ Touch mics and fight for your life ♪

♪ Ooh yeah, this is verbal warfare ♪

♪ Maybe you're crazy
enough to go there ♪

♪ It's on on sight, run to the light ♪

♪ Touch mics and fight for your life ♪

♪ Ooh yeah, this is verbal warfare ♪

♪ Maybe you're crazy
enough to go there ♪

Hey civilians.

I said, hey civilians.

(GUN FIRING)

Get your shit, and get
the fuck out of my house.