Ski School (1990) Movie Script

ANNOUNCER: Welcome, everybody,

to the hottest ski week in the world.

It's the annual spring ski pageant

and ski school director,

Reid Janssen, kicks things off

with an exhibition of skiing

that we've come to expect from him.

Yes, Reid has made this pageant his own.

Five grueling days for whom

Reid Janssen calls "serious skiers only."

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

For Reid Janssen,

winning isn't everything,

it's the only thing,

and the competition here is fierce.

Each instructor is determined to prove

that he and his ski school section

are the best,

and Reid himself appears more determined

than ever to let no one dethrone him.

Come on, let's go!

Bend your knees, bend your knees!

I'm sure the last skier to beat Reid,

Dave Marshak,

head instructor for Section 8,

is preparing to do just that,

although he's curiously missing

from Reid's pre-pageant ski exhibition.

Slalom, downhill and freestyle.

Skiing is what it's all about

and this week promises

to be a memorable one.

The instructors will soon have

their ski school recruits before them,

so they are no doubt busy

trying to figure out a way

to defeat king of the mountain

Reid Janssen.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

- We are leaving, now.

- Cool out, Reid.

- How.

- Hi, Dave.

Hi, Reid.

Shut up.

I say this is your last year.

And there's nothing you can do about it.

You're too late, Reid.

I've already put into motion

an elaborate plan,

a series of events diabolically designed

to rid this mountain of you

and your satanic presence forever.

Before you think

about getting me off this mountain,

you're gonna have to win first.

- Okay.

Have you seen your recruits yet?

- Recruits?

(SCREAMS)

Who are you people?

(EX CLAIMS)

I'm Ed.

Wow. We're gonna need all the help

we can get.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Sorry. Excuse me.

It's okay.

Come on, Lori.

He's cute, but look,

there's First Section.

Oh, yeah.

- What's your name?

- Paige.

Next.

I'm here to register.

Name?

Roland.

Roland. First name, John. Montana.

That's a long way, Roland comma John.

Where do you ski?

This little place in Montana.

You probably never heard of it.

Did you ever ski Sun Valley? Jackson?

No.

Who do you ski with?

Mostly myself.

Yourself.

And I suppose

you think you can ski with us.

Well, you guys are supposedly the best,

aren't you?

No, we are the best.

We're talking about you.

Maybe this'll help.

A letter of recommendation!

- How sweet.

- Look, I came here to ski, all right?

Yeah, well, you paid your money,

so you'll ski.

But not with us.

Well, then who do I ski with?

- Roland. That would be...

- Section 8, wouldn't it be, Derek?

Right, Reid. Section 8.

You go out the door, take two rights,

it's behind us.

"O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

"Is it not monstrous that this player here,

"But in a fiction, in a dream of passion,

"Could force his soul so

to his own conceit...

"For what?

"For Hecuba!

"What is Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba,

"That he should weep for her?

"He would drown the stage with tears

"Cleave the general ear

with horrid speech,

"Make mad the guilty and appall the free,

"The play's the thing

"Wherein I'll catch

the conscience of the King."

(MEN LAUGHING)

DAVE: Let's go skiing.

- MAN: Hit some slopes or what?

- Yeah, right.

(WHOOPS)

God. See that?

- Well, it wasn't bad.

- He really...

- Did you see that?

- We saw that, but it was...

He was... He was all right.

- I saw that.

- It was passable.

- Are you erect?

- Can we do that?

ANNOUNCER: Warm-ups are over

and it's time

for the All Star Ski School individual

and team competitions to begin.

The first event will be the slalom.

And stepping into gate number one

for Section 8 is Fitz Fitzgerald.

And in gate number two,

it's Erich Blor wearing the red uniform

of First Section.

Come on, push it, push it! Come on!

Skiers are competing for spots

in Sunday's final competition

where all times are applied towards

determination of the team cup winner.

Next up is Derek Stevens of First Section.

And opposite him is Ed Young

from Section 8.

Erich and Derek give First Section

a strong two-three punch

behind leader, Reid Janssen.

Stepping in now is the chief instructor

of Section 8

and former individual champion,

Dave Marshak.

While Marshak is always one

to ski well,

particularly in the freestyle event,

the team cup has always eluded him.

Next up is

director of the All Star Ski School

and the man who sets the standard

for others to follow,

number one, Reid Janssen.

Reid crosses the finish line

with a time of 29.55 seconds,

the only skier under 30 seconds so far.

That's him!

- Yeah?

- Yeah!

The final skier of the day

is a late arrival, John Roland,

skiing for Section 8.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

- Go, go, go!

- Go, John, go!

Well, this newcomer could be

a welcome addition for Dave Marshak.

But it's too soon to tell

if Roland is only a one-day wonder

or if he'll fit in with the rigors

of the competition.

29.898 seconds

is John Roland's finishing time,

putting him in second place.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Here you go.

- Great!

- Stick with us, kid, you'll go far.

Push, push, push, push!

How could you let one of those idiots

even contend with us?

That guy was pretty good.

How come he's not skiing with us?

Shut up, you pussy.

How do you expect to impress anybody

with the way you looked

on the hill today, huh?

Ken, you wanna get over there

and do sets with Derek?

You ladies look nice today.

Level eight?

What is this, lawn bowling, huh?

Move it to 12, come on!

Eight?

And you, come on,

move your knees, let's go! Move it!

(GASPS)

Help. Help. Guys?

Guys, help!

Help!

Here, I'll help you with those.

They look really heavy.

- Thanks.

- Hey,

did you know you have really big muscles?

- You do.

- Thanks. Yeah, thanks.

- I'll get up now.

- Okay, thanks.

(LAUGHING)

I did not mean to do that. No.

Guys.

- I'm... I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

Go away, I'm busy. I did not...

Howdy, boys!

- What are you doing here?

- I'm an ambassador of goodwill.

And who might you be?

Trying to cop a cheap feel

at the expense of my lady?

I'm simply helping

a damsel in aerobic distress.

What kind of men are you

who leave a struggling young lady

without anyone to spot her?

Shut up.

Wait, wait, I know who you are.

Throw his ass out.

Go ahead. Do with me what you will.

Beat me savagely

and leave me in the gutter to die.

Someday we will run naked

under a full moon!

Scum.

Don't worry, Paulette,

it'll never happen again.

(BURPS)

Okay.

I hope I don't have to be

the one to tell you this,

but ski school is not

about learning how to ski.

You must be Ed.

Okay, party at the lodge at 7:00,

courtesy of

our esteemed ski school director.

(BURPS)

Hot tubs at 11:30, contents TBA.

Let the games begin!

Okay, how many for chocolate hot tubs?

Duh!

What are we gonna fill the hot tubs with?

Women?

Good, good. Glad to have you with us.

Now, I don't know why you all came here,

but I suspect

a couple of you wanna sleep with me.

And, frankly, that scares me.

Entertain no fears.

We'll have you hooked up in no time

with what, to what, I'm not exactly sure.

Anybody have

anything else to add? Johnny?

- Let's win the race tomorrow.

- Of course, absolutely, win the race.

Any ideas on how we are going to win

this race?

Partying.

Party.

ALL: Party.

Party.

Party!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(POPMUSIC PLAYING)

- This is not a party.

- It's a still life.

Everyone still has their clothing on.

Oh, my God. I think I've heard

this song at my dentist's office.

I don't know if I can do this, Dave.

This is totally and emphatically

against my principles.

No one said it was gonna be easy.

Now look closely, my friends,

because what you are seeing

is the beginning of the end.

And it's up to us to do something about it.

Who's with me? Me.

- Me.

Welcome to my kingdom.

I will bed you all

before the night is through.

Pardon me.

MAN: Just a minute, that's my wine.

I'll be right back.

Paulette, I'm looking forward to it.

Do you have the time?

Time? Of course.

(GASPS)

I'm... I'm sorry.

- No, it's okay, no, no.

- I'm...

I'm just gonna run upstairs

and change, okay? It's okay.

Change? What a good idea.

Definite possibilities.

And the only thing holding us back

is gravity.

She's not interested.

You are. Here, have a carrot.

You're registered

with the ski school, right?

Yeah.

Maybe I could give you

some personal instruction.

I could, too.

No, thanks. I think I can manage.

Hey, we're First Section.

Hey.

What does that mean, "First Section"?

You know, First Section.

DAVE: Johnny.

(ALL EX CLAIM)

Thanks, but no thanks.

Damn it, who's messing with the lights?

Where did he go?

(PHONE RINGING)

PAULETTE: Hello? Oh, it's you.

Well, Reid was telling some of his friends

that he was gonna sleep with me tonight.

I don't know.

I haven't made up my mind, you know?

I don't think

it's worth playing games with him.

Well, of course there's someone else.

He's... He's really cute

and I think his name is Fritz or Fitz.

I'm in love.

- I'm all shook up.

- I know he doesn't have any money,

but I don't know, there's just...

There's something about him.

Listen, I'm gonna get dressed

and I'll call you downstairs. Bye.

Paulette, you're killing me.

You're killing me.

Not now, Dave. Not... Not now.

Someone's trying to make me look bad.

(LOUD ROCKMUSIC PLAYING)

A couple of up-tempo songs like this...

This party could get out of control.

Let's check it out.

Hey, buddy, looks like you're out of here.

Come on!

Yeah, you heard what he said.

- Come on, let's go...

- Guys, I'm telling you,

this isn't good for your karma!

(GRUNTS)

Dick wad.

Play with these, fag.

Obviously not music lovers.

DAVE: Perhaps the end

is closer than I thought.

FITZ: They leave us with no alternative.

Well, you know what this means.

- Payback. Yes, I think so.

(LORI LAUGHING)

Should we be doing this?

I don't know. We'll find out.

Oh, look, champagne.

Looks expensive.

I don't think anyone will mind.

Here's a way to keep you warm tonight.

What?

Oh, right.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Sorry.

It's all right.

I think I hear someone.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I don't hear anyone.

Security!

- Who's the chick?

- Kid learns fast.

Nice semi-formal evening wear, I say.

All right, guys, what's going on here?

Anything is possible.

I like your attitude.

Now, as the authority figure in your life,

here's what I want you to do.

- Johnny's got potential, don't you think?

- I think so, yes.

How's the family?

Oh, Mom's okay, Dad's got tonsillitis.

Thanks for asking.

- Oh, darn.

- Yeah.

Johnny, my sister asked about you.

- How is Brenda?

- She's fine.

And tell little Curtis I said hi.

Right.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hey, babe.

- I've had my eyes on you.

- (CHUCKLING) Yeah?

Yeah.

I want you.

LORI: There's this little thing

that really turns me on.

I like to tell you what to do.

Just say the words.

I'll do anything you want.

Do you want to be with me, right now?

- Okay!

- No.

I want you to answer the questions

with the words that I use.

That's what really turns me on.

So do you want to be with me right now?

I really want to do it with you right now.

Can you wait for that to happen?

I can't wait for that to happen.

- Really?

- Really!

Give me five minutes

and I'll go upstairs and slip into something

a little more comfortable.

Now, when you come inside,

don't turn on the lights

and don't say a word.

Take off your clothes

and then slide into bed

right next to me.

This word thing has got me totally hot.

Derek, I've never met anyone

who has a way with words like you.

Remember, room 220.

Room 220. Where I'm gonna do you.

LORl: Hey, Erich, great party.

Yeah.

Can I ask you something?

Your wish is my command.

Do you wanna have sex with me?

ERICH: I wanna have

outrageous sex with you.

It's very interesting.

- LORI: Do you wanna run your fingers...

- Let me see the manual.

... all over my body?

ERICH: I wanna run my fingers

all over your body.

LORI: Do you wanna tickle me

till I'm breathless?

Here you go.

Make it happen.

I want you to see this film

so you know what makes me tick.

Don't you have another dress

to change into?

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

May I have your attention for a minute?

There's something very important

I'd like to share with you.

I've been fortunate enough

to have the vision to know what I want,

and the courage to go after it.

That's what this film is about.

If you understand this film,

then you understand what I'm about,

and what my All Star Ski School

can make you about.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

MAN: Do you remember what it was like

the first time you put on skis?

For Reid Janssen,

it was like nothing he'd ever experienced.

Skiing became the dawn of possibility,

the commencement of life.

For Reid Janssen, it became crystal clear

what to do

with the gifts bestowed upon him.

He created the All Star Ski School,

his mission of a lifetime.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hi, baby.

Just close your eyes and fantasize.

Now, when I come into the room,

I don't want you peeking.

It might take me out of the mood.

Chicks dig me!

Frighteningly easy.

God, I'm good.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Reid?

- Yeah, babe.

You're not paying any attention to me.

God, I love it when I do that.

I think you'd rather make it

with Erich or Derek.

Yeah.

I wanna run my fingers all over your body.

Just say the words.

I'll do anything you want.

I want to have...

What the hell's going on?

... outrageous sex with you.

I can't wait for that to happen.

This is some kind of joke.

Somebody set this up.

Your wish is my command.

- This is the good part. Yeah, yeah.

- I like the next part.

This is not my film.

My men are not homosexuals.

This is a fraud, can't you see?

They're not even in the same room.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

- You did a good job.

- Thank you.

Excellent work there.

- Hey, come on, let's go.

- GIRL: Reid, Reid, Reid!

Hey. Don't come back here again.

Marshak, crawl back

in your hole and die.

We came, we partied, we conquered.

Yes!

The mountain is ours. Let's dance.

Hi.

Hey.

There's no more champagne.

Johnny?

Yeah?

What's happening here?

I don't know.

I do.

What is happening here?

Don't worry, it's okay. No strings.

So, Derek, don't worry about last night.

I've already scammed

on three babes today.

- The master.

- Yeah. I'm giving one to you.

Way to make that homo stuff work for us.

You got it, Big D. Catch you later, huh?

Don't do that.

MAN: My client would like to inspect

the property,

but she feels the price is not too far off.

BRYCE: Yes, I think it's an excellent price

when you consider the upside potential.

Did you see those projections

I left for you?

Yes, I'll hold.

Reid, these people are worth millions

and they're depending on me

and I've gotta depend on you,

but you are fucking me up.

You see, they're buying the mountain.

When they do,

I'm going to end up owning a major share.

Now, if I own a major share,

you're going to own

a little piece of that pie yourself,

do you understand?

So I'm gonna tell you one last time.

You and your clones have to start

taking care of business now.

Then why don't we just throw

the scum out now?

Because Dave Marshak is

some kind of goddamn folk hero

to a lot of people around here.

In order to toss him out,

I've gotta have one hell of a good reason.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Looks like you didn't get much sleep

last night, Reid.

I think the caffeine and the crack

is really hurting you.

Pay attention, Marshak.

You're in deeper than you think

and we're gonna bring you down.

In fact, if I were you, I wouldn't

even bother showing up on the slopes.

You and your merry pranksters

don't belong on this mountain.

Not anymore.

You know, you may all think

you're just having a great time,

but by the end of this week,

you're all going home losers.

Shit's going down

and you're gonna be gone.

You guys are way too serious.

And don't fuck with us.

Oh, no, I think it's Erich

that wants to fuck with you, Derek.

Real funny, huh?

Call it a warning.

Did... Did we win?

Oh, hi, guys. Did we win?

ANNOUNCER: Day two is underway

here on the south course

for the second round of slalom qualifying.

The First Section's far out in front.

The remaining sections are struggling

to keep pace.

And with the way things are looking,

it's going to be more of the same

as First Section continues

to put its mark on the entire mountain.

MAN: Wow! All right!

(EX CLAIMING)

FITZ: Dave, you will never get me

because I have perfect hair.

DAVE: Yes, we will

because we are wacky, offbeat types.

Oh, my God!

It's Godzilla!

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH GROANING)

Fitz, how could we let this happen?

Godzilla! He just came and...

No, I'm talking about the mountain.

It's in desperate trouble.

Do you have any ideas?

Subliminal hypnosis.

Suggestions to their subconscious mind

as they doze.

(CLOCK TICKING)

If you wanna be the best,

you must lose your mind.

If you want to be the best,

you must lose your mind.

Johnny,

if you want to be the best,

you must lose your mind.

ANNOUNCER: It's time

for the freestyle competition

and first up is Section 8's John Roland.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Most impressive is Section 8,

moving way up to fourth place

in the competition for the team cup.

I don't know what it was they did,

but they should do more of it

as they look towards tomorrow.

Ed, you have sex with too many women.

You will stop having sex

from this moment on.

If you understand, nod your head.

(WHISTLING)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

FITZ: If I'm not mistaken...

DAVE: And you rarely are.

...those are some of Reid's women

from the party.

Swimming semi-naked.

They leave us no alternative.

- Chocolate pudding!

- No, not so fast.

We don't wanna peak too early.

Look, guys, I'd love to stay,

but I have to get back to a dream.

I'll see you guys later.

- Hi.

- You're cute.

He is a phenomenon.

Back to the matter at hand.

Not so fast. I have a plan.

What is that?

It's not that I don't want to.

I mean, it's not that I'm not able

because I am.

It's just that I can't.

Not physically.

I mean, I'm not called Mr. Ed for nothing,

but it's just something in my head.

It's like this dream

that keeps reoccurring that...

You're not buying this.

I know you're not buying this

but it's true, I mean...

(GIRLS GASPING)

- Wait a minute!

- What are you guys doing here?

- Hello.

- Hi.

I know what you're thinking,

but worry not, my children,

because we are employed by...

What's his name?

- Master race.

- Master Reid.

- Master Reid?

- Master Reid.

- Sorry.

And he asked us to stop by

and make sure you were prepared

for tomorrow's activities.

And in order to be completely ready,

he made us promise him to teach you

how to lambada.

- The forbidden dance.

And how appropriate it is

that we find you here in a sauna.

No questions from you just yet.

Fitz here is going to brief you

on the historical perspective

of the lambada.

- Take it away, Fitz.

- Thank you, Dave.

You're welcome, Fitz.

Lambada.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

FITZ: The movements have been around

before time itself.

DAVE: Criminy, that's a long time.

FITZ: It started centuries ago with

the South Americans, who discovered fire.

- DAVE: Fire? That's hot.

- Hot, hot, hot.

(BOTH GROANING)

- Lambada.

And that's how the lambada came to be.

Don't forget, ladies,

Reid wants a full demonstration,

bright and early in the morning.

Otherwise, why would we be here?

Ain't no reason.

Now, let's lambada, shall we?

Okay, grab your partners.

Everybody, come on, get up,

find a partner.

- You guys, get up, get a partner.

- Hello.

Come on now, let's get into it.

Now we're gonna lambada!

Now grab your partner

by the waist. Ready?

Gyrate, gyrate, gyrate motion.

DAVE: Like a sack full of ax handles.

GIRL: Right.

I could dance with you

till the cows come home.

Better still, I could dance with the cows

till you come home.

- Oh, Christ, I've come.

- Oh, Dave!

Fitz, Reid will be so pleased.

And how. Wink, wink.

(SINGING) Kumbaya, my Lord

Kumbaya

Reid, I don't understand

why Paulette came here

if she doesn't like to ski.

Don't you get it, Derek?

Because of who we are.

I mean, that's why people wanna

be around us. We're the best.

That's what makes us attractive.

It's not like I could have sex at any time.

Beer pump, magic foam...

Good book?

Anyone have a problem with that?

- No!

- MAN: Not me, man.

- Well, I got a problem with that.

What the hell is this mountain coming to?

Half-naked girls walking around

at 9:30 in the morning?

Last year, they were completely naked

at 9:30 in the morning.

Do you think she's gonna walk around

like that all day?

Or will she be back

for a 5:30 hot tub?

I don't wanna have sex with her either.

I mean, it's not like I'm Dave.

Pumpkin?

She loves me.

These women, man,

they just don't understand, you know.

Sometimes I just wanna cuddle.

ANNOUNCER: Well, ladies and gentlemen,

day four is over,

and it's First Section continuing to lead

the team cup race

behind its leader, Reid Janssen,

who remains in first place

in the individual competition.

Up to second place

in the individual standings, however,

is John Roland who proves

that his fast performance was no fluke.

That's Johnny Roland.

- Nice going, Johnny.

- Hey, we can do better.

(MAN WHISTLES)

Who is she?

- Where did she come from?

- Do you really care?

Oh, my fucking God.

This is shit. Let's get out of here.

(WHISTLING)

Two nights ago, I was having

an out-of-body experience.

I was an Indian chief

and I was in the banquet room

of the lodge and your evil twin was there.

We were completely naked

and we were on top of the podium

and she was really getting

into my headdress.

And I was doing an obscure,

yet all-too-familiar rain dance,

and my feathers were having

a very, very ticklish effect on you.

She was saying something... What was it?

Was it something about your wigwam?

Yes. Yes, my wigwam.

And there was an adjective used

to describe my wigwam.

That's not important now.

Reid, what a surprise!

We were just talking

about Paulette's twin sister.

- What?

- Paulette. She has a twin.

Didn't you know?

What's he talking about?

My other half.

Your other half? Well, I'd love to meet her.

I bet you would. A rare pleasure.

She was here a couple nights ago.

Reid, good skiing on the mountain today.

Indeed. Your boys really seem

to be holding their own.

That is so witty. He kills me.

Dave, Dave, Dave.

When are you going to grow up, huh?

When you admit that you love me

and can't live another day

without me by your side.

Paulette, would you care to join me

at another table?

I'd love to hear about your twin sister.

It sounds so distinct.

Well, she's not at all like me.

So she's boring, stupid, and ugly.

Reid, you animal!

Shut up, Dave. I'd hate to have to make

an example out of you.

Will the director of ski school

please report to Sector 7?

Director of ski school, report to Sector 7.

Excuse me, that's me.

- Fitz, have you met Paulette?

- No! As a matter of fact I haven't, Dave.

- Well, do what you will.

- Hi, I'm Fitz.

- I'm Paulette.

- Paulette.

Can I just tell you that that dress

you were wearing the other night

looked very attractive?

- Thank you.

- No. No. No. No. Thank you.

Snowballs, get your snowballs.

Good, there, take a snowball.

Have a snowball!

Here you go. Good. Take two,

one for the little lady. Snowballs!

Hi, may I?

Sure.

- How did you do that?

- How did I do what?

Second place already.

I've been watching you ski.

- You're really good.

- Thanks.

- Do I know you?

- I'm Victoria.

- Johnny.

- I know.

- GIRL: Isn't that Johnny?

- Johnny? Yeah.

Man, she is totally hitting on him.

Hey, it's no big deal. I don't own him.

What am I gonna do with you, Johnny?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

Here, this will explain everything.

- See you.

- Bye.

Fitz, that boy is definitely one of us.

Do you know

that wolves are monogamous

and are believed to mate for life?

Snowballs! Red-hot snowballs.

- Get your snowballs. Here you go, sir.

- Thank you.

Take one for the lady. Good. Good. Good.

Pretty lady like you

deserves two snowballs.

You little twerp, what the...

We didn't even make out.

Family fun. Fun for the whole family.

(GASPS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(IMITATING WOLF HOWLING)

And now for another game of

"Who's underwear is it?"

with your host, it's Fitz!

Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen.

Let's have a nice, warm hello,

for today's guest underwear.

- Whose underwear is it?

- Whose underwear is that?

These underwear were worn

two weeks ago Saturday,

and the owner's name begins

with a consonant.

- Kim.

- Donna.

"D"! Good!

- "D".

- Denika.

If you'll notice the lacing,

the pretty trim, and the bow... Derek's.

- Derek!

- I knew that!

- "D"...

(POPMUSIC PLAYING ON TAPE)

Guys, where are all the babes?

Ed, don't you think you talk about babes

a little too much?

No.

Well, well, well.

Anybody got a beer?

- Mr. Bryce, nice jacket.

- Shut up!

This time, Marshak,

you've gone way too far.

And I'm giving the board of directors

a full report of your conduct.

The skiing naked. The snowballs.

And you, your unspeakable behavior also.

You're all a bunch of animals.

(FITZ BURPS)

And you're as good as out of here,

because it's just a simple matter

of filing the proper paperwork.

So put that in your pipe

and smoke it, mister.

- You got a problem, young man?

- No.

Fine. Have a nice night.

"Put that in your pipe

and smoke it, mister"?

Hey, wait a second, guys.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe we have gone too far.

Ed, it's not how far you go,

it's how go you far.

- We party here.

- We party big.

- We party now!

- Office party.

Ed, you get beer. Fitz, you get beer.

Johnny, you get laid.

Let me see Victoria's address again.

(ALL EX CLAIM)

Guys.

- ALL: Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

- Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

Lose your mind! Lose your mind!

Have a look around. I'll be right with you.

Okay.

Looks just like my place.

Hi.

So what exactly do you do?

Oh, I like to spend money.

Sounds like fun.

You're very perceptive.

Hey, some friends of mine

are having a party.

Do you wanna go to it?

Sure.

What shall I wear?

Okay, who's smoking?

(ROCKMUSIC PLAYING)

Fitz! Pass 'em out, Fitz!

(WHOOPING)

Yes.

Lights out!

(ALL CHEERING)

- See anything?

- Yeah, I see lots of things.

- Johnny.

- Yeah.

Can't you find something?

God, you're cute.

(WHISPERS) What time did you say

the party starts?

If I was any closer,

I'd be in the other room.

(ROCKMUSIC PLAYING)

Yes! Yes!

Reid will be so pleased.

(MAN CHATTERING ON PA)

Hi! Hello. Hello.

What the hell? Yeah, come on in.

Let's go.

Watch out!

Yes, I'd like to make

a long-distance phone call to Guam please.

Guam.

Now, there's something you can

do for me.

They're dead.

Three, two, one, go!

Come on. Come on.

Three, two, one, go!

(YELLING)

Get off me, you pervert!

GIRL: Come on, Dave!

Hey, Reid...

Three, two, one, go!

Reid, second to the pole!

(EX CLAIMING)

Oh, my... Reid, let me tell you

about my sister.

Oh, God damn... Not feeling good.

(GROANING)

Hi, Reid.

Oh, God.

KAREN: Hi.

MAN: Hey, Karen, how's it going?

Hey, look, guys,

it's little Dave and his wienies.

Some nice skiing

on the mountain today, guys.

What, a one out of 15

in the qualifying round?

I got a better return on my savings bank.

Lori?

What happened to you?

I don't really know.

Can we talk for a minute?

Yeah, I guess so.

What's going on?

What happened yesterday?

What?

Hi, I'm having a party

after the competition.

I expect you all to be there.

Look, I gotta go.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I don't understand.

- First you say no strings, then...

- Yeah, I said no strings. So what?

Well, which is it? I didn't say anything.

That's right, Johnny,

you didn't say anything.

I guess I'll see you.

Tough day.

Johnny may be the only one doing good

in the singles competition,

but we still have a chance

for the team cup.

Right.

Hey, you guys, maybe we should go

to bed earlier tonight, man.

We haven't even partied yet.

- Maybe partying will help.

- No, no.

Ed's right.

It's time to pull back and take it easy.

Now, I know a quiet little restaurant

where we can get a nice piece of fish.

Just relax.

(ROCK-'N'-ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

(YELLS)

You know, Johnny's becoming

a pretty good dancer.

I know. The plan is working perfectly.

There's just one more thing I must do.

DAVE: Johnny loves you.

You love Johnny.

Johnny loves you. You love Johnny.

Show Johnny that you still love him

even though he's losing his mind.

Show Johnny that you still love him

even though he's losing his mind.

What are you doing?

Left foot red.

I'll do anything for you now.

(BELL TOLLING)

What the hey?

"Instructor and students of Section 8."

"You are called to appear before

"the general manager

of Sky High Properties Inc.

"for the purpose of disciplinary review."

"The hearing will commence at 7:30 a.m.,

Saturday, March 12,

"in the office of the general manager."

That's now!

As of this morning,

according to the determination

of the board of directors,

Dave Marshak is hereby placed

on disciplinary suspension,

and all of the students enrolled

in Section 8 are expelled.

Expelled?

This is ski school.

Well, shall we say disqualified, then?

- You guys are way too serious.

- You can't disqualify us.

Does this mean we can't ski

in the final competition?

Hold it, man.

These kids paid good money to come here

and buy me expensive, imported beers

just so they could go home knowing

that they have done something good

for their fellow man.

I am not going to send these kids back

to the great towns they came from

with the feeling that their rights

to be together, have a good time,

and yeah, do a little skiing,

have been usurped.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it,

Mr. Anton Bryce.

And Dave's a great instructor, bud.

Then why don't you tell me exactly

what it is you've all learned here then?

Well, Dave's taught me, like,

a lot of really neat moves.

What about you?

Well, I'm not exactly sure

what I've learned.

But how many of you

have seen Paulette buck-naked?

- I have, it's great.

- I know you have.

- Wow! Wow! Wow!

- Enough is...

Is enough. We don't have to take this.

I think it's Derek who's been taking it.

BRYCE: Shut up!

Marshak, you do have to take it.

You're not skiing in the final competition.

And that's final.

Okay, when you say final, do you mean

you are finally finished speaking?

Okay. Finals.

No one told me about a test.

Test? Does that mean

we have to cram, Derek?

Wait a minute. You have made

a mockery out of me and my mountain.

And I'm not going to have the future

of this facility go down in flames

because of you

and your juvenile hall antics.

There's a lot of important people

here today.

It kind of breaks my heart to know

that you won't be around to meet them.

Class dismissed.

Okay, you may be able to disqualify us

but you cannot stop us

from doing the lambada.

That's the forbidden dance.

- I think it's time we leave.

- I think it is time we leave.

It's getting really hot in here.

Boy. We must discuss the Paulette scene.

Now, was she wearing socks

when you saw her body?

You guys gotta quit your bellyaching,

you know what I mean?

"I can't ski..."

(WHIMPERING)

Guys, we gotta do something.

Maybe partying isn't the answer.

No.

You guys know

what I'm talking about, huh?

Skiing is partying. Partying is skiing.

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

They can't stop us from partying,

so they can't stop us from skiing.

Johnny's right. And thank you, Fitz.

Wait a second.

I've lost, like, far too many brain cells

to understand that one.

What the boys are saying is, if you can't

bring the mountain to the party,

you bring the party to the mountain.

- Right!

- We crash the competition.

He's learning.

Lambada.

ANNOUNCER: Qualifying rounds are over

and it's time for the annual

Spring Ski-fest Competition to begin.

(CROWD CHEERING)

The top ten qualifying skiers will compete

in the slalom,

giant slalom, freestyle and the downhill.

Mr. Bryce.

Seedings are completed.

Defending champion Reid Janssen

is top seed in every event.

Newcomer John Roland, who impressed

everybody with a second-place seeding,

has been disqualified

along with the entire Section 8 squad.

Well, Reid, looks like I'm gonna get

my piece of action after all.

You're gonna get yours too.

What the hell's that?

What the fuck is this?

(YELLING)

Yeah!

(CHORTLING)

(WHOOPING)

(GROANS)

(YELLING)

Reid, just what the hell is going on?

(ALL EX CLAIMING)

Gentlemen, may I present to you

Section 8.

- Hi.

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

Well, we came here to ski.

- I came here to ski.

- You gotta be kidding, Marshak.

Your group is bottom of the barrel.

Even if they let you race, you...

What do you say?

ALL: Let them ski! Let them ski!

Let them ski!

Let them ski! Let them ski! Let them ski!

Yeah!

Ski! Ski! Ski! Ski! Ski! Ski! Ski!

Let them ski!

Reid, hold on a minute.

There are other things to consider here,

you know what I mean?

(CROWD BOOING)

Marshak, why don't we say this?

You agree to calm down your antics,

we'll let you participate

in the competition.

It's a done deal.

- "Calm down our antics"?

- We're gonna embarrass you.

- Really?

(LAUGHS)

ANNOUNCER: Section 8

is back in the competition

and they're making the most of it,

quickly moving up to fourth place.

They're a bunch of pussies.

Section 8 is making

a run for the team cup,

but the downhill is

First Section's strongest event

and that's up next.

Man, this is bullshit.

We own this event.

Let's blow these geeks off the hill.

No kidding.

- Honorary dance for the girls?

- Definitely.

Millie. Millie. Millie. Millie. Millie.

Hi, Millie.

(ROCKMUSIC PLAYING ON TAPE)

We own this race.

You don't stand a chance.

Helicopter.

Helicopter, yeah!

Well, all righty. Hi, how are you?

Yes! Helmet. Yellow, not my color.

In order to be the best,

you must lose your mind.

Get out of here, you slimes.

You've learned much, young Dave,

but you are not a skier yet.

(BOTH GRUNT)

ANNOUNCER: Section 8 is still far behind,

so they're going to have to come up

with something really special

if they truly want to win.

(YELLING)

(CHEERING)

Hey, are you all right?

(GROANING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: Section 8's chance

has come down to John Roland.

He needs to beat the time

of two minutes, 22 seconds

for Section 8 to win the team competition.

The course record,

shown on the lower clock, is 2:24,

so it doesn't look good.

(HORN BLOWS)

Come on!

Come on, Johnny!

(CROWD CHEERING)

2.2, a new course record,

but it's not enough for Section 8 to win.

It's a tie. Dave's section

and Reid's section are tied.

Johnny boy! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

- All right! All right!

- He's the man! That was really something!

REID: Hey, Marshak.

You call what you did "skiing"?

Actually I call what we did

"kicking your ass."

- Yeah, well, it's not over. You didn't win.

- Okay.

- Let's settle this once and for all.

- Right.

The best against the best.

What do you say?

Sure.

Only... Shall we make this

a little more interesting?

Say loser walks off the mountain

and never looks back?

Sure, and we ski the Dome.

Dave!

- The Dome?

- Of course.

Agreed.

Though I must say I'm a little surprised.

You and me on the Dome. That's great.

Oh, the decision was easy.

Johnny's gonna ski.

MAN 1: All right, Johnny.

MAN 2: Way to go, Johnny!

MAN 3: All right, John!

MAN 4: Way to go!

Yeah. Remember? Loser walks. No tears.

Sending the lamb

to the slaughter, Marshak.

First-timer on the Dome. Can't wait.

- I'll see you up there.

- You'll see the back of me.

DAVE: Okay, Johnny, the only thing you

have to remember about skiing the Dome

is when you get to the Bald Rock there...

There, do not take the slope to the right.

It ends in a cliff.

It's a totally impossible jump.

No one has ever made it, so just...

You forget about it.

Take the slope to the left at Bald Rock.

Left at Bald Rock.

- You got it?

- Left at Bald Rock. Got it.

Left.

- Exactly.

- Right.

Hope he's okay.

ANNOUNCER: The skiers will be dropped

at the summit.

Then it's a free-for-all to the bottom.

Where are they?

The first one past Bald Rock

will have the clear advantage.

- So whoever appears first should win.

- Come on, Johnny.

Come on!

(GASPS)

- It's Reid. Where's Johnny?

- I don't know.

Wait a minute.

I don't believe it.

Roland's going towards the cliff.

He must be out of his mind.

Oh, no!

Check this out.

Come on, Johnny!

- Yeah!

Gentlemen, the mountain is ours!

(ALL CHEERING)

He did it!

John Roland is the winner.

Section 8 wins the team competition.

Yeah! Victory!

(WHOOPING)

Yeah!

I think you're about to be crushed.

Hey, I don't care, Reid.

They're still a bunch of dickheads.

Shut up.

Way to be, Johnny!

(ALL CHEERING)

I wouldn't get too carried away

with your celebrating, Marshak.

You see, right now,

there's a new party in control.

I know. I know.

- Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Johnny!

- ANNOUNCER: Hold on a minute.

The mountain has been sold.

I repeat, the mountain has been sold.

According to this press release,

the new management

promises radical restructuring.

BRYCE: "Radical restructuring"?

I didn't write that.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you radical restructuring.

MAN: How about the beers?

May I present your new owner.

The mountain is ours!

- ALL: Yeah, okay, yeah!

- All right! Yeah, okay!

MAN: Yeah, all right, okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Anybody got a problem with that?

- ALL: No! No! No!

- No! No! No!

Then let's get naked.

MAN: Oh, yeah!

ALL: Yeah.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

This is radical restructuring!

(IMITATING WOLF HOWLING)

It's simple. If you wanna be the best,

you've got to party with the best.

Know it, live it, love it.

Are you ready for a hot tub?

I love my life.

(HOWLING)

Welcome to my kingdom.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.

Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Ski School (1990) - full transcript