Shooting Elizabeth (1992) - full transcript

HOWARD: It always starts
with a chase.

I don't know why
I'm chasing her

or what I'm gonna do
if I catch her,

but I'm calling out her name,
"Elizabeth, Elizabeth..."

And it's like she doesn't hear, she doesn't answer.

And then, all of a sudden...

I... I... I'd lose my footing

and in what might be
the last moments of my life,

uh, suddenly she...

She's there again.

And then I...
Then I wake up...



And I feel good, I feel glad I've had the dream,

'cause I think what it means
is that basically we care
about each other

and I'm feeling good
about being married,

till she turns over and then
I realize that the woman
in my dream

wasn't my wife.

How long have you
having this dream?

Since my honeymoon.

ALL: Surprise!

[SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY]

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday dear Howard

♪ Happy birthday to you

Elizabeth, thank you.



You're so sweet.

For planning this.
Oh, God, look at you.

What a doll. Thank you.

Thank you for being
an hour and a half late.

Just had to
do this to me, huh?

Do what to you?

I didn't know to be home
at a certain time.

Hey, are you getting mad?

What are you getting mad for?

Wait a minute, didn't I...
Wait.

I said this morning,
"Do we have plans tonight?

"Are we doing
anything tonight?"

-I think you said,
"Not that I know of."
-Howard, knock it off.

You knew I was gonna have
a surprise party for you.

How would I know that?

How would I know that,
"Not that I know of,"

really means, "Be home at 7:00
for a surprise party"?

It's a surprise party.
That's what that means
that I don't know about it.

Hey, birthday boy,
how are you doing?

Great. Good.

You look good. You look good.

I feel good. I really feel...

I feel like shit. I'm just...
I feel like...

Oh, I don't know,
I may be turning 40,

or maybe it's Elizabeth.
Maybe it's Elizabeth.

I thought things were better
between you two.

Well, they're not better.
They've never been better.

Last week, you said that
things were better.

Well, maybe better
than the week before,

but not... not good.

Better than bad maybe,
but not... not better.

Not... Not better.

-Yes, sir.
-MAN: Hello.

Happy birthday, Howard.

Hey, thank you. Thank you.

Listen, Elizabeth
looks fantastic.

Yeah, I... I don't know
what it is, um...

I don't come straight home
from work anymore.

What?

I dream.
I'm dreaming things,

I walk around at the park.

I sit in coffee shops for hours
talking to strangers.

Something's going on.
I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

Hey, Howard,
it's your birthday.

Why don't you really treat
yourself to something?

Maybe... Maybe buy yourself
that boat.

I can't afford that boat.

Come on, finance it.
How about the Porsche?

You've always had your eye
on the Porsche.

What am I gonna do with a car
in the city for?

Or maybe I should buy it.
I don't know.

-What do you think?
-Howard, it's your birthday.

Treat yourself.

Hey, chulapo.

Hey.

-Congratulations.
-It's your day.

-Thank you. Thank you.
-Your wife looks great.

You're gonna have to
tell me that later, okay?

HOWARD: So, I tell these guys,

"Look, I've been in the water
business for 15 years now

"and I remember
when the whole thing
was turning on and off the sink,

"but now, with distillation..."

Oh, Howard, don't talk
about work. Nobody cares
about the water business.

Carmen,
I wanted to talk to you.

I was thinking
of taking Howard camping

down at La Grande
this summer...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What do you mean...

What do you mean, "No one cares
about the water business"?

Oh, honey,
I didn't mean it that way.

He's just being sensitive
because it's his birthday.

So, then he says to the, um,
lawyer, "What's two plus two?"

And the lawyer says, "Well,
don't quote me on this,

"but it's probably more
than three and less than five."

[ALL LAUGHING]

And next as the accountant
quotes what's two plus two,

and the accountant says...

"How much
do you want it to be?"

-[BOTH LAUGHING]
-Elizabeth, that's a good one.

Elizabeth, I am an accountant

and your joke gives me
a bad reputation.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

You can't be so serious.

Santiago, no, it's...
You know, it's my joke.
My joke.

Howard, are you all right?

Fine. Fine.

[READING IN SPANISH]

[HOWARD HUMMING]

Howard. Howard.
Howard, don't.

Don't what?
I didn't do anything.

I saw the dentist today,
and I'm swollen.

[SIGHING]
On your arm?

Your dentist made it
swollen in your...

Where, where is it swollen?

No, I just... I thought it was
something else.

Read your book, honey.

You know, I'm no
marriage counselor, but...

I... I think it's...
I think it's trouble

when arm touching becomes
the start of a fight.

[WOMAN MOANING]

[HOWARD SIGHS]

Oh, my God.

Howard, Howard, come on.
Every morning?

Not me every morning, them.

I'm sleeping every morning.

There, see, it worked.

-[BANGING ON WALL]
-MAN: Screw you.

[BANGING ON WALL]

Just once, for me to be
woken up by sex,

I'd like to be the one
having it.

[SIGHING]

Happy birthday to you.

MAN: He's coming. He's coming.

[EVERYONE CHEERING]

Who told?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Howard, they're gathered
in the boardroom.
We have a meeting, remember?

-Oh...
-What is it, a holiday?

Well, actually,
it's my birthday, too,

so in a way, yeah.

♪ Happy birthday to you

Really? Congratulations.
How old are you?

Well...

Take a guess.

I don't wanna guess.
Just tell me.

No, no. Come on.
How old do I look?

I don't know. Maybe, uh, 44?

Forty four?

What are you talking about?
I don't look 44.

You asked me to guess.
I don't know how old
do you look.

I look 40. That's
how old I am, 40. I'm 40.

Okay, so, you look 40.

Don't agree if you
don't mean it.

You think I look 44, wow.

Wow.

You know, I remember when
the whole water business was
turning on and off the sink.

[CHUCKLES]

But then came distillation,

and then purification,

and then carbonation
and then sweetening.

And now the water business is
a $485 million a year industry

with 290 bottled waters alone.

So, the question is,
why do you wanna buy ours?

Hmm?

Why... Why... Why ours?
Why not the Evian?

The Perrier, the Sparkletts,
New York Seltzer,

Calistoga, Glaceau,
Arrowhead...

Pellegrino...

ELIZABETH: He's just being
sensitive because it's
his birthday.

Why ours?

Why?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

ELIZABETH: You're such a wimp.

Huh? I'm sorry.

Why yours?

You were saying why yours.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I gotta...

ELIZABETH: Howard, nobody cares about the water business.

Why don't you have
a glass of water?

Some salesman.

Won't even drink
his own water.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Go on ahead, I got so many...
I got so many keys.

Yes, I know, I have to
thin this thing out.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, I'm really embarrassed.

You're the guy
from the laundry room.

From the light,
I couldn't tell, but...

Well, you know
I'm standing here

and I'm wanting
to open the door

-because...
-What, you thought I was...

Oh, I apologize.
Yes, I apologize.

Just in the light,
I didn't see.

Oh, anyway, I'm embarrassed.

Hey. Hey. No. No. Don't be.
You want to hear something?

-I did the same thing.
-Oh, really?

I had the key all along.

It's just, these days,
you gotta be so careful.

-Oh, definitely.
-And it makes me...

There are people out there
who'd just bludgeon me.

That's all they do.
That's their job.

Oh, well, I'm Luis, 5F.

-Howard, 4J.
-Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Let me. Let me open this.

-Don't be ridiculous,
I got it.
-I am serious, please.

Ah.

-Go ahead.
-Please, go ahead.

-Oh, thank you.
-Very funny.

Oh, it's been one of those days.

-It's my birthday.
-Oh, really?

Congratulations.

-Oh well, thank you, thank you.
-Congratulations.

-LUIS: Nice to meet you.
-HOWARD: Nice to see you.

I'm sorry.

See you again.

Hey, what are you doing?
This isn't your floor.

Well, yeah, I don't really
live in this building.

Let's go, 4J, open up.

I've never seen you
in the laundry room.

I've never even been
in the laundry room.

Come on, open the door.

Uh...

Hey, my wife is sleeping,
you know.

If she sees a man with a gun,
it's gonna scare her to death.

You don't want that.
Wife scared to death.

I don't give a shit,
birthday boy.

Get the jewelry, come on.

Okay.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Elizabeth.

Elizabeth.

Honey.

Jesus, she's a very
heavy sleeper.

Sweetheart.

Elizabeth?

-[ELIZABETH EXCLAIMS]
-Don't be alarmed, honey.

Howard, there's a man
in my room.

Yeah, we're being robbed.
He's a burglar.

-Howard.
-Yeah.

-There's a man in my room.
-Yeah, I know that, sweety...

He's a burglar,
and he's robbing us.

-...and there's a man
in my room.
-It's because he's a burglar,

and he's robbing us!
If you'd listen to me.

You never listen to me
for Christ's sake.

-Just give me the jewelry,
and I'll get out of here.
-Fine. Fine.

Okay, okay. Take it easy.
Just calm down.

Put the gun down.

Elizabeth, where's your
diamond necklace?

What diamond necklace?

Elizabeth,

we have insurance.
We'll get another one.

Where's the...
Where's the diamond necklace?

I lent it
to a friend, Howard.

Hey, hey, hey, don't push me.
You're pushing me here.

What the hell are you
trying to do, Elizabeth?
Get us killed?

The guy has a gun.

Where's the diamond necklace
for Christ's sake?

-Is it loaded?
-What?

-What?
-Is the gun loaded?

Hey, you wanna try?

I don't want to... I don't
know if the gun's loaded.

I haven't asked him.
Do you wanna ask him?

You know,
it's not an interview.
It's a mugging.

Look, I don't know
what the hell's
going on here,

but this is really weird shit.

Just give me
the bloody necklace,

-and I'll get
the hell out of here.
-Calm down. Calm down. We will.

-You'll get what you want.
-Hey, what's she doing, man?

She's calling the police.

Oh, she's calling the...
Why is she testing me, man?

I'll do it.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

-Put the phone down.
Put the phone down.
-Howard. Howard!

Howard, the man is
shaking like a leaf.

There's a puddle
of perspiration
under him so big

you could swim in it.
There are no bullets
in the gun.

-He's just confused.
-[GUN COCKING]

I have one number,
and I will shoot you!

-Okay, okay,
do whatever the hell...
-Howard, my hero.

You're bigger than he is,
you're taller than he is.

But no, just go ahead
and let him take everything.

Yeah, don't test me.

[ELIZABETH SIGHING]

Hi.

Hi, I'd like to report
a robbery in progress.

I'm gonna do it, man.

ELIZABETH: Yeah.

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, he has a gun.

I am gonna do it, man!

Do it.

Don't do it.

Man, you guys are screwed up.

No, I said, "Don't do it."

-This is weird shit, man.
-Don't... Don't do it.

Nice to meet you.

I said, "Don't do it."

Hey, you heard me say
don't...

"Don't do it."

Wimp.

HOWARD: With everybody else,
she's charming and warm,

but with me, you know,
it's a little snip here,

a bite there.
It's like the old Chinese
water torture, you know.

You don't notice
anything at first,

but over a long
period of time...

Howard, we have
talked about this.

If something bothers you,
and you say nothing,

you can't expect
other people to change.

And lately, I feel
just so ineffective.

I feel totally impotent

-at work, socially...
-In bed?

Huh? I don't know.
We don't have sex, so...

Maybe I am. I wouldn't have
any way to gauge it.

Howard, you must
take control of your life.

When something bothers you,
you must address it immediately.

Yes, you're right.
Well, that's what
I'm gonna do.

If something, you know...

Starting now, if something
bothers me, I'm just gonna...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Just gonna jump on it.
Like, you know what bothers me?

You're doodling.

Okay. Very good.

It's just that
it helps me to think.

But it makes me
think too, you see?

So, when I'm trying to think
about what's really
on my mind, I can't

because I'm too busy thinking
about what you're doodling.

Howard, I apologize.

Now you see how simple that is?

Dr. De-Miguel,
do I recommend him?

Oh, absolutely.

Well, just an average shrink
with above average prices,

but a great, great doodler.

DE-MIGUEL: Okay, Howard,
I think you made your point.

Ridiculing me is
quite uncalled for.

Well, you know
a lot of things
seem uncalled for.

Goddammit, I'm
a 44 year-old man at 40.

It's her fault.

With her sarcasm
and insults and...
[SIGHS] remarks.

Sapped me of my confidence.

Howard, I want you
to do something for me.

It's your birthday.

I want you to make
a list of all the things
that make Howard happy.

The things
that make Howard smile

whether it's
a week in Caribbean,
or leasing a sports car,

or a day in the country,
or even a chocolate milkshake.

What? What?

Run. Run.
Where have you been?
I've been waiting.

-What happened?
-What's the emergency?

Charlie, I decided
what I want
for my birthday.

That's the emergency?

Howard, I've got someone
seeing me with a root canal.

-You said I should
treat myself, right?
-Yeah, sure you should.

Even if it's not exactly
what Elizabeth wants,
it doesn't matter, right?

Yeah, it's what you want.
It's your birthday.

-Do I look happy?
-Yeah, you look great.

-You bought the boat.
-No, do I still look...

Do I seem like I look happy?

The Porsche!
You got the Porsche!

-I seem happy, don't I?
-Yeah, you look great.

Yeah, I decided what I want,
really want for my birthday.

So Elizabeth and I
fly down to Costa Brava.

Good. Great. Great.

-And spend a few days there.
-Yeah, perfect.
That's just what you need.

-On the night
before we come back...
-Yeah.

-I'm gonna shoot her.
-All right!

You're gonna do what?

Buy a gun,
while I'm down there
I'm gonna shoot her.

You're gonna kill Elizabeth?

The doctor said
I should treat myself.

You said it,
the doctor said it.

Howard, he meant maybe
a new tennis racket,
maybe golf balls.

Charlie, Charlie, I thought
you'd be happy for me.

-Oh, sure...
-For the first time in

I don't know how long,
I feel like I've something
to look forward to.

Well, sure, sure.
But if you expect me
to take you seriously,

I mean, there are
better ways to deal
with these things, Howard.

-Divorce?
No, I can't divorce her.
-Sure, you can.

No, I couldn't take it.
I couldn't take it.

She'd be successful.
She'd...

Dating, career...
I can't take it.

No, she's ruined
the last 13 years,

and I'm not gonna let her
ruin the next 13 years.
It's all panned out.

Next week, we're going
on a little vacation.

We're going back
to the honeymoon spot.

Thirteen years ago,
Costa Brava.

You know, I was gonna
give her one last chance

to harass the cab drivers.

The Eden Roc please,

and we've been there
a million times before,
so no special shortcuts.

Why do you have to put him
on the defensive like that?

HOWARD:
And then, she'll do
a little ball-breaking

with the hotel staff,
give them a hard time.

Before you go,
we're gonna check out
the bathroom together.

Hygiene standards really aren't
what they used to be

and believe me, it's gonna
save us both a lot of trouble

if you make sure
everything is right now.

HOWARD: Now, very important,

I've reserved
the honeymoon suite,

the same room we had
that has this great terrace,

that overlooks the ocean
and has a drop straight down

on a great, great reef
where she'll be deposited.

And of course,
I know she'll be

putting me down
in one way or another.

Howard.

For Christ's sake,
your thing is showing.
You wanna cover up?

HOWARD: And then,
I take a cab,

I zip across
to the other part of town,

where you can get
anything you need,

which in my case
is a Smith & Wesson

six-shot revolver.

Oh, nice weapon.
Just perfect.

Now, here's where
I'm a genius. It's perfect.

I'm gonna get her to write
a "Thank you" note
to the concierge

"Dear Concierge, sorry we're leaving so soon, but thanks for all your help."

And then I underline
just a few words,
pick a few words out of that.

Uh, "Dear Howard, I'm sorry,

"but I'm leaving you.
Elizabeth"

You see, it becomes
her goodbye letter to me.

A perfect alibi.

[CHUCKLING] It's perfect.
And then, the final night,

I'll get her somehow to have
dinner with me in the room

sit her down, and that's when I tell her what I really wanted for my birthday,

and why exactly,
and how I'm gonna get it.

And then...

Bang!

And she goes
over the edge
and out with the tide.

And I show the cops her note.

Then I come back home, and you
pick me up at the airport,
act real surprised.

And that's it. I'm free
and I'm single.

Oh, it's all
I've left, Charlie.

She's taken everything else
away from me.

[SIGHING]
I'm really gonna try
this weekend, Carmen.

Howard seems to be
in a great mood.

Maybe this trip is just
what the marriage needs.

Sweety, let's go. Gotta go.

Yeah, I have to go.
I'll call you when I get back.

I really hope this brings us
closer together.

I don't know how much longer
I can take things
the way they are.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

-Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon.
-Yes.

-Welcome to Catalonia.
-Thank you.

-I hope you enjoy your stay.
-Well, I'm sure we will.

Aren't you gonna
give him your speech?

You know, these cabbies.

Oh, I'm sure
it's gonna be fine.

It's good to be back,
isn't it?

HOWARD: Hi,
Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon.
We're checking in.

MAN: I have you
for three nights
in the honeymoon suite.

There's quite
a lovely view.

Well, we actually
stayed here 13 years ago
on our honeymoon.

And it was great
having a view
of the ocean.

The ocean?

Oh, my goodness.
That was a long time ago.

That was the old
honeymoon suite.

Oh.

The old honeymoon suite?

Oh, yes. When we
made the new building,
we changed everything.

It's much better now.
You will like it very much.

What... What do you mean,
you changed the...

Changed the honeymoon suite?

It is now the dining room.

The new honeymoon suite
is much better.
Much quieter.

-[CHUCKLING]
-MAN: With a wonderful view
of the tropical garden.

You can't just...
You can't just change
the honeymoon suite.

But the gardens are
quite extraordinary, sir.

No, no, that's not the point.

The honeymoon suite is,

uh, sacred. You cherish

-Howard...
-the honeymoon suite.

Howard, I'm sure it'll be fine.

No! Dreams are made
in the honeymoon suite,

families planned,
children conceived.

You know, it's not just
furniture you're moving,
it's a legacy.

I think when you
see the garden, sir,
you'll have a change of heart.

There are over three dozen
exotic birds and owls.

Birds? What is he...
What are you talking
about birds for?

I didn't come 400 miles
to see birds and owls.

And owls? I came
to see the ocean.

I want the old...
I want the old
honeymoon suite.

Howard, we can't sleep
in the dining room.

Well, I do have
one room that looks out
on the ocean, sir,

but it's a bit smaller.

Oh.

ELIZABETH: Oh, Howard.

They brought us extra towels.

You know, they really
do a good job here.

I'm glad we came back.

Howard.

Howard.

Wish me luck.

GUN DEALER: So, you need
a silencer with that?

Silencer? No.

It's just for fishing.
I'm not trying
to hide anything.

Or... Uh, or...

Don't want to scare
all the fish away.

That's... Yes, a silencer.

That would be...
My wife would
probably prefer that.

That's a good idea.
[INHALES]

Hey.

That's some long walk.
Where did you go?

Where?

Where did I go? Oh, God.

Oh, I just went, you know...

Where didn't I go?
All around the...

You must've seen the...

Ah, I think I went to just...
Just... Hey, oh, I got an idea.

You know, the concierge
has been so helpful to us,

I think we should...

Would it be crazy
to write a note
thanking him?

I'm way ahead of you.
I already wrote him
a note.

Did you? Oh.

Oh!

-So...
-Hey, that's good.
That makes it easy.

What did you see
on your walk?

Hey, can I see the note?

I've already sealed it,
but it's fine.

I mean, it's,
you know, your general,
"We had a good time.

"Thanks for your help."
It's a nothing note,
but it's fine.

Well, I'd like
to see it anyway.

-You know,
we can get a new...
-Howard.

...envelope.

Why are you doing this?

Well, a nothing note.
Is that what you said?

-[ELIZABETH SIGHING]
-You know,
I mean that attitude.

You know, I mean,
a really nothing nothing?

I mean, he's the concierge
for God's sake.

Our concierge, you know.

I mean, how often
do you get a chance

to express yourself
in writing

to the concierge of a major
international hotel chain?

I know you're skeptical,
but I mean, really?

It's true. An exact wording
is so important...

-All right.
-Why do I have
to explain it to you?

-You wanna see the note?
-Sure.

-Fine.
-Oh.

Or, you know...

Because, you know,
if we do this right,

this kinda thing
could lead to upgrades,

complimentary brunches
and free weekends.

[SIGHING]

-"Dear Concierge,
-Okay.

"though it was short,
we want to thank you

"for making our vacation
so memorable.

"Elizabeth and Howard.
Room 201."

Are you happy?

I think we need
to rewrite the note.

I don't give a shit, Howard.

-No.
-You can write
whatever you want.

I liked it.
It was a good start.

Oh. I got it. I got it.

-I got it.
-Howard, whatever you want.

No, it has to be Elizabeth.

It has to be
in your hand-writing.

It's much more
effective that way.
You know that.

Please, here, try this.

Try this. "Dear Concierge."

I'm... "Dear Concierge."

That was yours, of course.
I'm not trying
to steal your thunder.

But you know, what was
wrong with that?

It's... You know,
it's conventional,

but, you're interesting,
it's very...
It's right there.

Don't start off too rococo.
Keep it simple.

"Dear Concierge."
That's a keeper. Okay.

Ha.

I had it.

"I'm sorry...

"...Howard and I are
leaving so soon.

"But thanks
for all your help.

"Elizabeth Pigeon."

[SIGHING] You should've
been a writer, Howard.

"Dear Howard, I'm sorry,
but I'm leaving you.
Elizabeth."

Howard? What are you doing?

I'm gonna
go up to the room.

What is it with you
and the room?

Every ten minutes
you go into the room.

What, have you got
a girl up there?

Girl?

Oh.

A girl? No, I'm just gonna
check some messages.

"Do you have
a girl up there?"

That's great.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Hey, good news.
We got into the dining room.

Oh.

Sweetheart, what...
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Oh, the dining room?
When did we get into it
you said?

Tonight.
Our last night here.

The concierge got us in
just at the last minute.

I really think it's something
to do with that note of yours.

Uh-huh. Sweetheart.

But... But darling,
we talked about this.

We were gonna eat
in the room tonight.

Right?
Don't you remember that?

It was our last night here,

and we were gonna eat
in the room. Right?

Yes, yes, I do.

It's just that that was
before we got
into the dining room.

Howard, this is
a five-star restaurant.

Oh, angel.

Don't try
to impress me with stars.

Okay? I'm a 40 year-old man.

Uh, you know, I've seen
a lot of things.

I've been to a hotel before.
I'm not a hick.

You know, a restaurant
of five stars does not...

does not impress me,
you know.

Okay, we'll eat in the room.

Oh.

Oh, that makes...
Oh, you're a... Mmm. Mmm.

[STUTTERING]
I'll meet you here
at eight o'clock then.

Everything okay, Mrs. Pigeon?

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
everything's fine. Thanks.

Okay. Good. Good.

That's very good. Thank you.
Appreciate it.

Yeah.

Nice romantic dinner
with my wife.

That's perfect.

It's good.

Anything else?

No, no, that's it.
That's it. Thanks.

Good, good, good.
Come on, come on, come on.

[HOWARD BREATHING DEEPLY]

-Are you all right, sir?
-Yes, yes.

Why? How are you?
What's up?

Sorry for noticing,
but you seem
a little flustered.

No, I'm fine.
I'm just fine.

Go and get a purse of gold.
A purse of gold for you.

-Thank you very much.
-You're very grateful.

-Oh.
-Perhaps, if you lie down.

You lie down.
You lie down.

-You're sure you're okay?
-I'm fine.

Okay.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes. Yes, honey.

Be right there.

Here I come.

Yes, Darling.

Uh...

I'm just... Oh, hang on
a second, honey.

Here I come.

Here I come.

Sweetheart.

Hi, sir, I'm here
to turn down the beds.

No, no. No time.
Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, pillow mints, sir.

Pillow mints? What is that?
I don't know what that means.

Well, your wife
seems to like them,
you know. Pillow mints.

Oh yes. Thank you.
Very good. Pillow mints.
Pillow mints.

Two enough? I have
more in the cart.

Two is good. Thank you.
Two is fine. Thank you.

Sir, are you
feeling all right?

Can I get you a cold compress
or something?

Go away, go away, go away.

-WOMAN: Bye.
-Bye.

[SIGHING]

[WAVES SPLASHING]

Come on. 8:35.

Late. Late!

Typical.

Typical, typical, typical!

[PEOPLE CHATTERING OUTSIDE]

What the hell's going on?

-[MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
-Sorry, I thought
it was someone else.

Oh, I...
I don't Sprechen...

Sorry.

Elizabeth.

My bride, light
of my life, sit.

Sit. Take a seat.

Let me show you something.
Let me show you something.

I bought it just to...

Yeah? What do you think?

What do you think?
You think it's loaded?

A wimp who probably have
left the bullets in the drawer.

Don't you think so?

Oh, I'm sorry, do guns
make you nervous?

What about if I
point them at you?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Elizabeth.
Oh, sweety.

Thirteen years.

Thirteen shitty...

Shitty years. How did I
let it get to that?

How did I just screw up
so much of my life?

Huh? On our first date,
you criticized me

for going back too many times
to the salad bar.

Why did I have
a second date?

My God!

It's my own fault.

Well, you looked cute.
You looked cute.

You know, and you had
a sense of humor.

But then two dates
became three,

you know, and when it seemed
like we were gonna break up,
instead, we got married.

[CHUCKLES]
That was a good idea.

And when it looked like
that was gonna end
for some God unknown reason,

we decided to have kids
and then that whole...

[INHALES DEEPLY]
the miscarriage thing, and...

before you know it
I'm an old man.

And that's been my life.

A lifetime of jokes,
and insults.

Ridiculing me in front
of my friends

and my colleagues
about the way I drive,

my poor sense of direction.

My poor table manners,

the way I dress,
the way I shave...

The way I shave?
The way I shave?

What the hell do you care
about the way I shave?

Nobody's watching.
Nobody's watching.

I asked at least ten other guys
if their wives comment
on the way they shave,

they look at me
like I was freaking crazy.

Shave? They said if their wives
talked to them like that

they'd put 'em
in their place.

Well, Elizabeth,
you're going to your place,
and you're going there fast!

Real fast,
and when you get there

you can... You can criticize,

and you can complain,
and bitch, and bray,

and pick and pick and pick

and continue to be
the big pain in the ass
that you've always been

'cause for the first time
in 13 years,
I'm gonna be laughing.

I'm gonna be laughing
'cause I won't
have to be there.

-Freaking...
-[GUNSHOT]

What? Hello!

Jesus!

What? Oh!

What am I doing?

-[INHALES SHARPLY]
-[GUN CLATTERS]

What am I doing?

My God.

[PANTING]

What if she was...

What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?

Get a divorce.

Or talk it out, all right?

I can't kill my wife. I...

I can't kill my wife.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Oh!

I'm having a heart attack.
Heart attack!

[GROANING]
Calm down.

Calm down. You're okay.
You're okay.

Yeah, you get a divorce.

Uh, you...
You talk it out.

You join a gym,
get your life back.

You'll be okay.

Thank you, God.
Thank you for not
letting me kill my wife.

I... I'll get a divorce.

-Thank you, God.
-[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Elizabeth, 45 minutes late.
Rudeness.

Where I come from,
it's called just plain...

MAN: Are you okay, sir?
It's Officer Gomez
from security.

Yes, I'm fine.

I'm doing fine.

Doing fine.

GOMEZ: I heard a gunshot.
Is everything okay?

Oh, um...

I can't hear you.
I'm sorry, I'm washing...

Uh, what's that say?

-GOMEZ: Are you okay, sir?
-What's that?

-It's Officer Gomez
from security.
-Uh-huh.

-Uh...
-I heard a gunshot.

Yes. Be right there.

[MEN LAUGHING]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

GOMEZ: A gunshot was heard
from your room.

MAN: What's going on?

HOWARD: No gunshot. No. No.

-[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
-HOWARD: Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, that must have
been the TV.

TV's off, sir.

Yeah, now it is.

You know,
I turned it off
after the battle scene.

Uh, my wife and I
were having dinner,

we were gonna be
having dinner.

But so that's why
I was...

I was washing, and...

Is she here? Your wife?

No, no, she's, uh...

She's late.

We were... This is our
last night here.

We were gonna have dinner
in the room. Originally,
we were gonna

have dinner downstairs
in the restaurant.

It's a five-restaurant.
Well, I'm sure
you know that.

Uh, but this being
the last night,

you know, I thought...
It's good.

Sir, are you okay?

Me? No.
Yes, I'm fine.

You look flushed.

Perhaps, you should lie down.

That's a good idea.
I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna lie down
and wait for my wife.

Or just sit down.
Just sit down.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Wait for her.

You have a nice evening.

You too, sir.

[DOOR CLOSES]

9:30.

[SIGHING]

Okay.

Hey.

Elizabeth?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, hi, sir,
I was just coming
to make the bed, but...

Oh.

Well, sorry to disturb you.

Good morning, Mr. Pigeon.

-Hi.
-Table for two?

Uh, no, thanks.
I'm not eating.

Buffet or menu, sir?

Neither. I just said
I'm not...

Uh... Excuse me.

Have you... Was my wife here
this morning?

Did you see her here?

No, I haven't seen her, sir.

Perhaps, at the pool.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

This is Howard.

Howard, how is
that vacation going?

Listen, have you heard
from Elizabeth?

Elizabeth? No. Was she
trying to call me?

No, no, uh...

I just... She must have
taken a walk or something.

I haven't seen her
around the hotel.

I thought maybe
she called you.

Anyway... So, we'll be home
in a few days.

Well, have a nice
flight back.

Here's Charlie.
Hold on. Bye.

He can't find Elizabeth.

[CHUCKLES]
What?

What do you mean
you can't find her?

No, no, Charlie, it's not...
It's not what you think.

I don't know what it is, but

uh, you know, last night
I was gonna do it,

and she never
showed up in the room.

Well, that's odd.

Yeah. I thought
you two were

having such a good
time together.

Look, I'm sure
she'll turn up.

Okay. See ya, Howie.
Bye.

He loves her so much.

She'll be back.

Caught you looking.

Oh. Hi.

[LAUGHING]
Don't worry.

If I run into your wife
I won't tell her.

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, sorry.

Sorry about last night.

Thinking the TV was a gunshot.

-Oh...
-[LAUGHING]

Thank you.

[EXHALES]

-Hi.
-Hey.

-Mr. Pigeon?
-Yes.

I'm Detective Delrio,
Barcelona police force.

It's been 24 hours
since your wife
was reported missing.

On holidays here
it often happens,
you know,

but these 24 hours
are your problem,
and after that it's mine.

-Yeah.
-I...

I sympathize
with you, Mr. Pigeon.

These freaking young guys
going up and down the beach

with their surfboards,
and flashing their
fancy muscles

and ribbon stomachs around
to other tourists.

That's what we're
competing with.

Guys of our age.

Well, I'm 40.

Oh, I've seen it all before.

Some go completely to pieces.

I don't think so, man.

Is that what you're...

I don't think so
if that's what
you're talking about.

I think she may be
in some kind of danger, or...

Mr. Pigeon,
I give you my word.

I will let no
stone go unturned

until I find out what
happened to your wife.
You know it's my job.

But listen, don't...

-You know, I mean,
you've got a life too.
-Oh yes, but...

So don't... you know.
I'm fine.

I'll be fine.

I mean, I'll be miserable,
but considering everything...

-But Mr. Pigeon...
-I'm fine.

Take it easy, take it easy.

If anything has happened
to your wife,

it'll only be
a matter of time.

Well...

Mr. Pigeon?

Yes. Oh.

-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.

Thank you.

What an unusual...
Unusual boy.

"Dear Howard, I'm sorry,
but I'm leaving you.
Elizabeth."

Excuse me.

She left.

She left.

She left.

I'm sorry.

Uh...
[EXHALES]

Howard.
[CHUCKLES]

Carmen's at the front
of the car. Good flight?

Oh, yes, yes.
So good.

Thanks for picking me up.
So...

Can you believe this?
She actually left me?

No, I can't.
You must be very sad.

Well, sad is not
exactly the word,

but did I get off
lucky or what?

I'm sure
she'll come back.

I know it would really
hurt you if she didn't.

What?

What the hell are you
talking about?

I feel we're
being followed.

"You must be
very sad." No.

Hey, hey. That's what you
told me to say.

-No.
-You told me to pick you up
at the airport,

console you, and say
you must be very sad.

I know how much
you loved her.
That was the plan.

We're not
on the plan anymore, Charlie.

Plan's off.
There's a new plan.
Plan is, she left me.

-Fine, okay.
-Okay?

Nobody's following us,
nobody's listening to us,
she just left.

-Okay?
-Fine.

Howard?

What are you
doing about it?

Charlie, I'm gonna hurt you.

I'm bigger than you,
and I can hurt you.

What do you
expect me to think?

You told me to pick you up
at the airport,

and start this conversation
about how amazing it is
that she left you.

Yeah, but that's what happened.

That's what happened.
I mean, come on,
we're best friends.

We have a bond.

Howard, we have a bond.
We have a bond.

If I can't tell you something
to believe me, then what
am I gonna do?

-I believe you. I believe you.
-You do?

Anything you say,
I'm right behind you.
Well, like you said...

-I believe you.
-Good.

Okay.

Howard?

Was she in pain?

[HOWARD HUMMING]

Oh, Howard,
we heard what happened
to you and Elizabeth.

You take her for holiday
and look how she thanks you.

Hey, what's going on?

Howard's wife left him.

-Oh, isn't that
typical of women?
-No, it's okay.

Oh, Jesus.
I'm sorry, Howard.

WOMAN: Howard?

If I can help you out
talking to you or anything,
just let me know.

HOWARD: Hey, thanks.

VOICEMAIL: [BEEPING]
Hi, Howard, this is Paco.

I'm calling to just
try and make you tell me
what happened, man.

That's terrible.
I just don't know
what to say.

Give me a ring
when you get back.

-These are for you.
-Oh, thank you.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Yes? Anything else?

VOICEMAIL: Hi, Howard,
it's Julia from the office.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

VOICEMAIL: Give me a call
when you get back,
and let's get together, okay?

[HOWARD EXHALES]

Who's this? Uh,

"Dear Howard, maybe this will
help your worries.

"The company has decided
to put you in charge

"of the new mountain
raspberry drink account
starting Monday.

"Congratulations."

I got promoted.

[CHUCKLES]
I got promoted
for being abandoned?

[VOICEMAIL CONTINUES
IN BACKGROUND]

Wow.

Wow.

HOWARD:
This is unbelievable.

I mean, I didn't
have to shoot anybody,

I didn't have to go to court,

I got the house,
the bank account,

got the sympathy.

[MAN ON PHONE]
Hey, birthday boy.
So it's getting a bit rough.

Think of this as
an excuse to get into...

HOWARD: It's like
the greatest divorce
settlement of all time.

It's like nothing could
possibly go wrong.

[MAN ON PHONE]
...and we need a fourth.
You're our man.

-[SPEAKING SPANISH]
-That's really great.

That's really great.
That's great.
Thank you.

Dad, look!
Look what I got!

Look what I got.
Dad! Dad!

I caught a fish!

It's really, really big one.

Tug and reel, son.
Tug and reel.

[EXHALES]

Oh, I'm so excited
to be hitting
the golf ball again.

I haven't played
in probably ten years.

Why they changed
the size of the equipment,
I don't under...

[CHUCKLES]

I stride the earth
like a colossus.

Mr. Pigeon.

We were wondering
if we could have
a moment of your time.

Please.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hang on a second.

What?

Oh, oh. Detective Delrio.

What... Wow.
What are you doing?

This is a coincidence,
isn't it?

Oh, excuse me.

This is Detective Sanchez.

Hey, say can I
borrow your pillow
on the next hole?

I left mine at home.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, this is not
my pillow, Mr. Pigeon.

This is my evidence.

Around September 25th,

your wife, Elizabeth Pigeon,

was shot
and discarded by you

in your hotel room.

I can smell murder
a mile away, Mr. Pigeon.

Hey, I...
You've got it wrong.

My wife, uh, left me.

Well, let me tell you
something, Mr. Pigeon.

I'm a married man too.

Fifteen years.
[SIGHS]

You think
it's all been easy?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

You don't think
I too thought about
doing what you did?

Every man thinks about it
at least once in his life.

The difference is most men
live by the law.

And you too, Mr. Pigeon,

will live by the law.

Good day, Mr. Pigeon.

I look forward
to our next visit.

MAN: Who was that?

Uh... Old friend of mine.

Just showed up, and...
What a surprise.

[CHUCKLES]
Great guy.

Great guy that...
Hey, let's all
have a beer later.

I'm gonna arrange that.

Howard, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm fine.
I'm just shocked to see...

Must have been years
since I've seen him.
Great guy.

Super guy.

I'm so excited
for you to see this.
I'm very excited.

You don't seem
as excited.

HOWARD: No,
I'm very excited.

You know, I've been waiting
for a new line
for a year now. So...

[CLAPPING AND SNAPPING FINGERS]
I'm excited.

JUAN: I mean,
if you can sell this,
this will take over the top.

Here it is.

You are the first to taste it
from marketing.

So this is big.

Hey, good morning.
I'm excited.

-I'm excited. Hi.
-Let's try the mountain
raspberry first.

Ah.

-Mr. Pigeon?
-Yes.

What do you think?

[GURGLES] Mm.

The siebel grape.

-No, that's mountain raspberry.
-Yeah, I know, but it tastes
like the siebel grape.

What does he mean?

He thinks it tastes
like the siebel grape.

It does, there's no difference
between this and the siebel.

Howard, there is
a world of difference.

This siebel is from Spain.

The mountain raspberry is
picked in special vineyards
in Northern California.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter
where they're from.

What matters is, you know,
they taste different.

There's something.

That scares me, Howard.
That really scares me.

We have a lot of money
invested in the new line.

Let me, let me, uh,
try the other.

Everyone who looks at this
might just disagree.

I think it's
a wonderful flavor.
and quite different.

That's a jello lime.

This one's really terrific.

-I think you'll go to the roof.
-Mmm-hmm.

Tangy.

What do you mean, "tangy"?

It just seems to be a little,
I don't know...

Tangy.

In a bad way tangy?

Tangy sounds bad.

Used to be "tang" worked,
but there was a whole
space promotion behind it.

Maybe the word
I'm looking for is "tart."

-Tart.
-What?

Howard, are you
feeling all right?

I'm fine. I'm just...
It tasted tangy to me
at first.

I didn't know it was
gonna be quite that...

Mr. Pigeon, there's
a woman on the phone for you
who says it's important.

HOWARD: Oh, thank you.

[WOMAN ON PHONE
SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY]

Tart?

Maria?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Men come into your house,
looking everything. Messy!

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[MARIA CONTINUES
SPEAKING SPANISH]

-Excuse me.
-Oh, thank you very much.

I don't know,
it's just stupid.

I get trouble
with my keys.

Hey! I live here.

[MARIA SPEAKING SPANISH]

Hey, hey, put that down.

What the hell
are you doing?
Look at this.

Look. Hey, Delrio, that's it.

You don't have a warrant,
so I want you
to pack up your men,

and I want you
to get out of my house
right now,

-and I mean now.
-I have a warrant.

In that case,
feel free to look around.

You want something
to eat, or...

Oh, thank you, Mr. Pigeon.

But I believe we found
what we were looking for.

Evidence exhibit C
please, Sancho.

What's that?

Well...

Uh, "Dear Howard, I'm sorry,
but I'm leaving you."

"Don't bother looking for me,
I'm leaving you."

"It's no use, Howard,
but I'm leaving you."

And what do we
call this, Mr. Pigeon?

No, no, no.
That's... That's...

You'll excuse me
if I don't stay for lunch,

but murder has a funny way
of taking away my appetite.

Murder?

Well, I could
well appreciate it,

but still, no, no.
That's... There is
an explanation for that.

That's just...
That doesn't mean a thing.
That's how we...

I dream of the day when
all crime and murder
will cease to exist.

But I'm afraid that dream
still remains a dream.

And you, Mr. Pigeon,

I'm sorry to say

are about to experience
one hell of a nightmare.

[DOOR CLOSES]

We'll be in touch.

[SCOFFS]

I'm sure it's nothing, Charlie,
there's no press.

CHARLIE: Howard, I'm
worried about this.
I'm gonna make a call.

I've got a cousin
who's a lawyer, okay?

-[PHONE RINGING]
-Hang on. Hello.

-Howard?
-Hey, what's up, Chief?

Can you come to my office?

Yeah, be right there.

I mean, you know,
what could they have on me?

There's no body,
there's no insurance,
and besides, I didn't do it.

So, they don't have dick.
So, you know...

Your reaction
to the siebel grape yesterday,

and to call
that other flavor tangy,
I don't know.

Yes, well, I tell you,
it's an amazing thing.

I came back today, and I

tried it again. I had
a whole new feel for it.

Must have... Must have had
a bad taste in my mouth.

That scares me, Howard.
That really scares me.

I depend on your senses.

If you tell me
we are in trouble,
I jump.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, then relax, sir,
'cause we've got a winner.

That's not all
that disturbs me.

Lately, you seem
very on edge.

I know you are going
through a dramatic experience
being left and all,

but I want your head here,
in the office.

Sir, you can count on me.

-I'm here. Hundred and...
two hundred percent.
-Hmm.

Two hundred percent.

Is there anything else
going on in your life?

No, no, everything is great.

You know, I love the work.
I love the work,

and everything in my life
is going well.

I can't think
of anything that's...

Let me see. No, everything
just happens to be going well.

Hi.

Sancho, please,
incapacitate this man.

Okay.

Mr. Pigeon, it's my duty
and pleasure

to inform you
that under the Spanish law,

you are officially under arrest
for the murder
of Elizabeth Pigeon.

This is obviously
some mistake.

Please take this man
to his place of judgment.

Let me go downtown
and deal with this.

And we'll get right to work
on the new campaign. Okay?

Filippe.

Right thumb, please.

No, this is all a mistake,
so we don't really need
to be doing this.

Right thumb please.

Okay, but I don't
have to sit in that cell.

[MAN GRUNTING]

Hey, what took you so long?

Howard, Victoria. She's family,
so we can trust her.

-Yeah.
-Plus, she's giving us a rate.

-Look, we need
to move fast here.
-Yeah.

I reviewed the files
on the way over.

Yes, and I'm sure you see
what a huge mistake this is.

You know,
just a total misunderstanding.

Well, that of course,
is what I will try
to convince the jury.

What jury?
No, this is a mistake.

I didn't kill anybody.
I don't think this is about
going to jail or anything.

Any time you go
to trial, Howard,

there's the possibility
of a conviction.

Now, in reviewing the case,
there are certain things
in our favor.

There's no body. Is there?

No, no, no.

There's no insurance motive,
there are no fingerprints.

Right. Right.

But on the other hand, Howard,

there is quite
a bit of evidence.

The gun, the pillow,
witnesses reporting
suspicious behavior,

and of course,
the letters.

Yeah, yeah, but there's
an explanation to all that,
you know.

Well, that's what
I'm here for.

I'd like to hear it.
Give me the whole story.

-From the top.
-Yes.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Okay!
Uh, the gun was mine.

And the pillow.
It was all mine,
it was all mine.

Because, um...

[CHUCKLES]
And if you knew me you'd know
how crazy this sounds.

I was going to...

[STUTTERING]
I was gonna kill my wife.

-[LAUGHING]
-Ree! Ree!

It's just the tone.
But...

And here's the freaky part.

The night I was gonna do it,

that's the same night
she chose to leave me.

So, when the gun went off

by accident,
they hear the gunshot,

I get rid of the gun,
probably not a good idea.

She's missing and now this.

You know.
It's just a total...

See what the problem is?

It's just the truth.

It's crazy. I had to
hear it a few times
before I believed it.

Okay, let me explain
something to you, Howard.

I am the only thing you have
standing between you
and a possible conviction.

And the only way I can
effectively defend you

is if I know the whole truth.

Okay?

That was the truth.

All right. Now let's
pretend we just met.

And tell me what happened
with your wife.

Why do I have to pretend?
I just told her what happened.

For my sake, let me
hear it again.

From the top. Mm?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hi, my name is Victoria.
Nice to meet you.

-Why am I shaking her hand?
We did this already.
-Just shake it. Yeah.

She's doing us a favor.

What kind of favor
is she doing us?
She doesn't even believe me.

I'm better off talking
straight to the judge.
He'll believe me.

The against Howard Pigeon
will take place is Barcelona.

This court will be involved only
in the preliminary hearings

and setting the bail,

which I will declare
to be the sum
of 25 million pesetas.

Twenty-five million pesetas?

That's 250,000 dollars.

I don't... I can't...
I don't have
that kind of money.

The water business
doesn't make that
kind of money.

VICTORIA: Leave it to me.

Leave it to me.

Your Honor,

in light of the fact
that my client
has no prior convictions,

firm roots in the community,

and 11 years
at the same place
of employment,

I would like to ask
for a reduction in bail.

I think she's impressing him.

I have a good feeling
about this.

-Looks good.
-Yeah. All right.

But Barcelona?

After due consideration,
your application to reconsider

and reduce the original bail,

bearing in mind
the severity of this case

is denied.

What?

VICTORIA: Thank you,
Your Honor.

What was all that about?

He said no.

So you thanked him?
He said no,
and you thanked him?

Well yes, what else can I do?

Not thank him.
You certainly didn't
have to thank him.

Jesus.

This is why
I don't like to fight
for your friend, Charlie.

I always end up the bad guy.

-Relax, Howard.
-What now?

We'll figure
something out.

I can probably get bail
by morning.

By...

By morning? What the...

What do you mean?
I have to sleep in there?

I can't do that.
I can't sleep
in the cell.

[STUTTERING]

-They're not gonna make me
do that, are they?
-Trust me.

[LOUD SNORING]

Pigeon!

Yeah.

Twenty two hours.

I can't believe you let me
sit in there for 22 hours.

CHARLIE: Well, Carmen wouldn't
let me put up the house
for collateral.

I had to shift
some things.

What did she think?
I'm gonna jump bail
or what?

Hey, look, Howard,
I believe you.

But Carmen's
got her theories.

Well, you and Elizabeth
didn't get along too well.

No, I hope other people
trust me more than that.

Listen, I gotta get home
and make some calls.

Thanks though for everything.
I do appreciate it.

[SCOFFS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

-Hi, Howard, it's Juan.
-Oh, Juan.

Listen, we saw it
in the paper today.

The paper? No. No!

What the hell happened?

Oh, Juan, you know,
it's a mistake.

I mean, you know me.

If I find a spider,
I'd pick it up
and I'd put it outside.

I... It's just a huge,
huge mistake.

Shit.

I'll see you tonight at dinner.
I gotta call the office
right away.

Well, that's the thing, Howard.

Listen, we're a little bit
uncomfortable about this.

It's not we don't believe you.
It's just...

Juan, Juan.

I'll speak to you later, okay?

How is it not going
to affect anything?

It's a public scandal.

I mean in regards to my work.

So, my work will not suffer.

It's all a mistake
and I'm gonna
clear it up immediately.

I promise you.

Oh, sorry. Howard, I saw the way
she treated you last year
on the Christmas party

and I don't blame you one bit.

Yeah, but blame me for what?
I didn't...

-I didn't do it!
-Howard.

Howard.

You are a company-comes-first
kind of guy, right?

And there are
certain circumstances

in which we are forced
to think of the company first.

Mm?

What, are you...
What, are you firing me?

[STUTTERING]
You're not letting me go,
are you?

Think about the image.

It's not a good image.

Of course, it's not
a good image.

I didn't choose the image.

I didn't say, "Hey, enough
of this nice guy stuff,

"let me try something
a little more edge."
And I got slapped with it.

I mean the company,
not you personally.

-Well, screw the company.
-What?

What is the company?
The company is people.

It's me, it's you.

"Screw the company"?

I think this conversation
has come to an end.

You know what I think?

I think the only thing
that stinks more than this

is that new God awful
mountain raspberry drink.

It's putrid sewer water.

Sewer water concocted
to induce vomiting.

You tell me
what to do, Charlie.
I'm just...

Everybody's turning on me.
I'm scared.

Look, Howard,
just relax. Okay?

He did it.
I know he did it.
I read in the paper.

Let the filling dry.
Just hold it.

Hurt this woman.
Drill her, please.

Look, Howard,
you're gonna be fine. Okay?

Victoria feels
that if the evidences
didn't get any worse,

she can discount certain things
that had...

Well, you're
gonna be fine, Howard.

I mean, it's not like
they're gonna find
any more evidence.

Oh.

That's just good shit, Chano.

What?

What?

How many times
do I have to tell you
not to call it shit, man?

I was just saying
it was good stuff.

Well, you didn't say
it's good stuff.

You always call it shit.

People don't wanna pay
$500 on us for shit.

You gotta get out
of that habit.

[CHUCKLES]

Everybody calls it shit.

It's just a term.
It's not like it's shit.

Just you know...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Shit, man.

I hope I didn't come
at a bad time.

MAN ON TV: Evidence
continues to accumulate
against Howard Pigeon

as only four weeks remain
before he stands trial

for the alleged murder
of his wife.

Further in the day, I spoke
with members of the staff

at the sea-side resort hotel where Mr. Pigeon took his wife

on what was supposedly
his second honeymoon.

NEWS CASTER:
You were in charge
of turning down the beds

during Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon's
stay at the hotel.

I don't believe this.

Could you tell me
what, if anything,
you noticed?

Well, Mr. Pigeon was
very nervous.

The whole trip
he acted guilty.

She was very nice though.

NEWS CASTER:
Could you describe exactly
what you mean by "nervous"?

PILLOW MINT MAID: Well,
I asked him if I could
turn down the sheets.

But he seemed to be in a hurry.

I called him...
I asked him if he wanted
any pillow mints,

because his wife
seemed to like them.

And he took two of them.

But, when I offered him
two more, he rushed me
out the door.

Do you think Mr. Pigeon
ate those two pillow mints?

Who gives a shit
about the pillow mints?
Jesus!

Well, I had left
at that point,

but he said he would
give 'em to his wife.

Nice lady.

Loved mints.

Well. Well, you really
got me this time.

You really got me, Elizabeth.

HOWARD: Hi.

So, where are we
with this?

We're in shit is where we are.

What's that?

Your friendly gun dealer
just turned on you.

What? What's that?

Apparently, he got
beat up for drugs.

Made some kind of a deal
with Delrio.

If he admits
to selling you the gun,

then they drop
the drug possession charges.

But they can't
do that, can they?
That's illegal.

[SCOFFS] They can do
whatever they want.

Look. I've been gathering
other witnesses for you,

trying to put together evidence
of a happy marriage.

I think I can discount
this guy Chano's credibility,

but I don't wanna
be unrealistic
about our chances.

So, what are you telling me?

What I'm telling you is

unless Elizabeth
shows up on TV tonight

at the bull-fight
kissing some matador,

you are in trouble, Howard.

If she's really alive,
you have to find her.

That was her.

That was her.

That was her.

MAN: Good afternoon, sir,
what number are you
calling about?

Yes, 4560426.
The name is Pigeon.
Howard Pigeon.

Uh, listen. A call was billed
to my credit card incorrectly.

I was wondering what address
that call was made from.

MAN: I'll report it
to the supervisor, sir.

We can't give
that information out.

No, no, no.
You don't understand.

Somebody used
my credit card.

Do you have the bill?
I see it there.

It's that one minute call.
That's incorrect.

We'll credit you
for the call, sir.
Thank you for calling.

No, no. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up.

Hello? Hello?

Yeah. No, I don't
want the money.
I don't want the money.

I want justice. Justice.

Somewhere in the world
somebody's using my credit card
to make calls.

True. It's only happened once.

And, uh...

The call's only gone on
for one minute.

But still, what am I
supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do
if something was...

Ten calls or 100 calls,
when the calls go on for hours?

Please! I need that address!

Yeah, okay, okay. It was made
from a pay-phone

at Hotel Los Picos, Catalonia.

Hotel Los Picos,
Catalonia.

-Thank you.
-[LINE DISCONNECTS]

Los Pecos, Catalonia.

VICTORIA: Your Honor,

I would like to ask the court for a 24-hour extension.

I'm sure my client
will have a valid excuse
for his absence.

HOWARD: Okay, that's...
We've been on the road
an hour now.

This is the Los Pecos,
Catalonia.

You know, I assumed
you took me

on the pretense
that you knew
where that was.

I thought you knew
where that was.

Is it the Hotel
Los Pecos, Catalonia?

Do you know
where Catalonia is?

Catalonia? Are we
anywhere near Catalonia?

He's panicking now.

I can smell him
in the air.

I can feel him.

He's made a mistake
and he knows it.

He's running around
trying to cover his tracks.

But only he knows
where the body is.

And he will lead us to it.

They all make one mistake.

And when they do,

Delrio is there
to catch them.

[SNAPS FINGER]
Pencil.

Come on.

I expected more
of you, Mr. Pigeon.

So predictable.

[CHUCKLES] So predictable.

This is for you,
and this for you.
Good luck

-Thank you.
-Bye bye.

-Yes, sir?
-Hi. Hi.

Checking in?

Uh, no. Well, let's see.

I have a package
for Mrs. Pigeon.

Elizabeth Pigeon. If you could
tell me her room number.

Pigeon. Pigeon.
Yeah, sir. One moment.

Pigeon. Um, um...

No Pigeon, sir.

What? No, I know
my wife is here.

She made a call
from here five days ago.

She's about 5'8",
dark hair, full-figured.

-Full-figured woman.
-No, I don't know.

She'd have probably
complained a lot,

uh, not enough towels
in the room,

sheets too dirty,
floors aren't clean enough,
that kind of thing.

I... I know the one
you mean, Miss Tifler.

Tifler.
That's her maiden name.
That's right.

-What's her room number?
-Tifler, not Pigeon.

-Tifler. Tifler.
-Not Pigeon.

Room. Well, she checked out
yesterday morning.

What?

Did she say
where she was going?

Uh, she go
into the mountains.

What?

Oh, hiking.
Gotta get a guide.

[STUTTERING]
How do I get
to this church?

Relax. Please, sir, I'll make
an appointment for you.

Uh, looks steep.
You're a prince.
Thank you.

What day would you
like to go hiking?

What day? This day.
Today. Now. Now.

Now, please.

I think in that case,
you have to go
to the church by yourself

right across the street.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

And you're sure
one of these guides
is gonna stay with me

till I find the woman
I'm looking for?

Sure, sure. Please relax.

Relax. And if you're lucky,
you'll get the mad mountaineer.

And he'll stay with you
till you get a whole
bunch of women.

[EXHALES]

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

Excuse me, excuse me.
Excuse me.

Hello. Father, Father,

I'm inquiring
about the hiking.

-Around the back of the church.
-Thank you. Whoa!

Well it's...

Closed for holiday?

What... What holiday?

[KNOCKING DOOR]
Hello.

Hello.

Hello! Anybody?

Mad mountaineer, anybody?

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me. Father.

Say, pardon me.
I have to go hiking.
I gotta find somebody.

There's a sign that says,
"Closed for Holiday."

It's St. Ponziano day.

St. Ponziano day? What is that?
I've never heard of that.

Yes, business is closed.

And there's no hiking
on that day?

Surely people go hiking.

And don't tell me
the mad mountaineer
forgoes his hiking

to observe a holiday.
What kind of mad mountaineer
would that be?

I'm sorry.
There's no one
on duty.

Okay, well maybe
you would know.

Was there
a woman here yesterday

who set off
to go hiking?

Yes. A Miss Tifler?

Yes, well,
that's my wife

and looks like I'm just
gonna have to go
find her by myself.

Uh, if you could
point me the trail...

No, no, no.

Without an experienced climber,
you'll get lost.

And you could get hurt.

I suggest you wait
till the holiday ends.

Well, that's
a good suggestion, except

by the time the holiday ends,
I'm gonna be
checking into a room

at the county jail
for 25 years to life.

[SIGHING]

I need a guide.

I need the guide.

Father Chu gives advice
on many subjects

if you care
to talk about it.

[HOWARD SIGHING]

Well, you know,
what's there to talk about?

St. Panziano day.

Say I'm just gonna
enjoy the holiday
like everybody else.

Why not? I mean,
sure, the holidays
have turned on me, too.

And these local tourists,
and this goddamn...

Um... Excuse my language.

Father, mad mountaineer?

Jesus. Sure, he's
turned on me.

That makes sense almost.
I mean, who hasn't?

You know, my friends,
the law.

Hey, listen, thank God
for the holiday

I was just starting to think
I had it too easy.

Is it a woman
at the center
of your troubles?

DELRIO: Police.

Can you identify this man?

He was looking
for a woman.

She wasn't here.

Miss Tifler had checked out
the day before
to go climbing.

Miss Tifler you say.

And was she traveling
with anyone?
In a group?

RECEPTIONIST: No, no, no.
She was going by herself.

By herself?

Thank you.

And what did I do?

I just started
to blame Elizabeth
for everything.

You know?
For all the bad traffic,

for every bad day
at the office.

For every father
passing on the street

holding a little girl,
or a little boy's hand,

I just blamed her.
I blamed her.

She's not responsible
for traffic.

No, of course not.
That's right.

But somebody had
to be responsible.

You know, all these things
were happening to me,

and I couldn't say
a word about it
to anybody.

You know, I had to
take some action.

I had to
take some control.

I had to do something!

But why the time I thought
the thing to do was

to shoot my wife.

But she was here yesterday.

Right, right,
'cause I didn't do it.

I didn't do it.
But who believe me?
Nobody.

'Cause, you know,
they found the gun,

they found the letter
I'd written in her handwriting,

and, my lawyer
doesn't believe me,

the cops don't believe me,
my friends don't believe me.

But I'm thinking...
I'm thinking
that the one person

in the whole world
who would believe me is her.

See it's Elizabeth
who'd believe
that I didn't do it

not just 'cause
she's alive.

But 'cause she's
the only person

who really knows me,

which is why I guess
I can't stand her so much.

She knows all my
weaknesses and fears

and I have so many
weaknesses and fears

one of which is
that she knows all my
weaknesses and fears.

Uh, and that's the truth.

You know, I haven't been
a very good husband,

but I don't deserve
to go to jail.

I don't know what to do.
I need to find my wife.

And that's why
I need the guide.

I will help you
find your wife,
my son.

Well...

I am the one they call
the mad mountaineer.

Sebastian?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

FATHER CHU: Hi, Sebastian.

Hi, Father Chu. You're going
up the mountain?

Me and Mr. Pigeon
are on a quest
of great significance.

We need a complete
backpack set.

Compass, canteen,
tent, everything.

All right. Have you seen
the weather up there?

It's gonna change, Father Chu.

This a quest
much too important
to worry about weather.

Uh... Oh.
I'll give you this.
This pack.

It's 3000 pesetas.
Is it all right?

So, you'll have this,
and then you'll have that.

That's about 1500,
I think so.

And...

Is something the matter?

No, nothing, nothing.
It's all right.

I mean nothing's wrong here.
I mean I've got it all.

Oh, do you want a compass?
It's 300 pesetas.

I don't know
if we need it.
I don't know.

Uh... Rope!
You need some rope.
Wait right here.

We're having a sale.

We must... We must go.

Here hold this.

[PHONE RINGING]

[WHISPERING]
It's the guy
from the papers.

The murderer from Madrid,
he'n the shop right now.

Yes.

Well, all right. I'll try
and hold him in here
for as long as I can.

Rope.

Yes, I think he used to
live in Brooklyn. Yes.

Here we go. Ah, so
that should cover it.

'Cause I think we're gonna
eschew the rope.

No, no, no. Here,
let me show you
how to make a slipknot

for the tent,
all right? Hmm?

Sebastian, I know
how to make a slipknot.

Come on, we gotta
get out of here.

Yes, I know, I know,
but I think it'd be
good for him

to know it also. All right?

I mean, it's fairly simple.

Just put your hands
out like this.

Then you tighten
this part...

Ah, what the hell are you...
Okay, okay, no. Look, we're
gonna take the rope.

-It's good. Thank you.
-Good.

-Good. Thank you.
-Yes.

Now, come on, Sebastian.
We're in a hurry.

Oh, what about a rug?

I'll give you ten percent off.
A rug, a wonderful rug.

-Colorful rug.
-No, thank you.

SEBASTIAN: No?

How about some
hiking boots?

I'll give you 30 percent off.
Come on, 30 percent.

Business must be slow, huh?

No, he's just trying
to make a buck.

I remember when
I was like that.

Could never take no
for an answer.

Thirty five percent. That's
my final offer, Father.
Thirty five percent.

The road splits here again.

Some footsteps go one way,
some the other.

I don't see any...
Any footsteps at all.

What size shoe
does your wife wear,
Mr. Pigeon?

Shoe? Six and a half,
seven, I think.

Here.

This track's about a seven.

You can tell it was made
by a woman.

The arc is different.

He was with a priest
you say?

And which way
was he going?

Oh, the main path.
But that path splits off
ten different ways.

Come sunrise, we will begin
up the mountain.

This man is dirt,

and we will treat him
as such.

We will carry him
on the bottom of our feet.

We will use a doormat,
so we will not have to
bring him into our homes

and then we'll wash the mat

to rid ourselves of him
and the memory of him.

Are we clear, gentlemen?

[HEELS CLASHING]

Okay, men.

Let's go get him
so we can all sleep
safely in our beds.

Come on. Let's go.

HOWARD:
She's been working advertising.
That's how we met.

She still work?

Uh...

No, about five years ago,
we decided to have a kid.

And she thought
she'd stop working

so she could spend
more time with the baby.

Only the baby
didn't work out.

We went through
the whole thing,

sought, and...

and the name all picked out,

nurse, crib...

Just wasn't breathing
when it was born.

He... He wasn't breathing.

[PANTING]

FATHER CHU:
Mr. Howard!

Please come immediately.

Mr. Howard!

[GROANING]
Where do you
get the energy?

HOWARD: Well?

What is it?

You never mentioned
how attractive
Mrs. Pigeon was.

[PANTING]
I didn't really remember

how attractive she was.

Hmm.

Hey, hey.

Chu, don't. That's my wife.

Come on, come on.
What...

Mr. Howard is jealous.

Mr. Howard is gonna bop you.
Come on, come on.

Okay, we close in
in the morning.

We stop here.

[OWL HOOTING]

That was great. Thanks.

We should secure up
for the night.

Shall I prepare
another tent?

-Well...
-Oh.

Whatever you...

Oh no, this is silly.
What are you...

Well, however you're
more comfortable.
You want...

Would you like
your own tent?

Well, sure.
I guess I should.

I mean, yeah,
if it's no trouble.

-Really, either way I guess.
-Yeah.

I'll make another tent.

-Please, thank you.
-Okay. Thanks, Mr. Chu.

I mean it makes sense.

You know, we are
both adults,

and we're
splitting up,
I think.

Yeah, well,
we don't get along.

Right. We don't.

We argue. That's all
we ever do.

Yeah, yeah. So...

You know, we should
just go back
and be adults,

and you know, get on
with our lives,
and get a divorce, and...

I agree. Absolutely.

Yeah, I think.

I mean, you know I still
find you attractive.

And so funny.

You're right. I mean,
individually, we really
like each other.

But for some reason
when we get together,

I mean, we just wanna
kill each other.

That's... That's right.

That's right.

Ah.

So...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Good night.

Good night.

You know,

being alone these
past few weeks,

I really think
it's been good
for me.

Really? Yeah.
Oh, for me too.

It kinda lets you
put things in perspective.

-Exactly.
-Yeah.

I mean, like you
coming after me,

that's the sort of thing
that before would have
made me really mad.

And now, I'm just happy
that you came.

No. Why...
Why would it
make you mad?

Hmm. I used to be
so jealous of you, Howard.

I mean, the way
nothing ever really seem
to get to you.

You were always so casual
about everything.
So strong.

Strong?

Well, look at you, I mean,
I leave you. Most guys would
have had a nervous breakdown,

but you, you just come
running after me.

Oh, well...

You know, we get
ripped off by a cabby,

and you just go with it.

Friends cancel for dinner,
you're happier than
if they hadn't.

You really... You really
never let anything
get in your way.

And like when our baby
didn't get to be our baby...

[CLICKS TONGUE]

You were
so strong about it
and I wasn't.

You know, that was hard
on both of us.

But we had to go on.

And we did.
We did go on.

[CHUCKLES]
No, I didn't.

You went back to work,

and you went on, but...

But I never went on.

No, baby, that's not true.

You know,
it didn't work, but...

You were willing to try again
and I think that's
the important thing.

No, I wasn't.

[SIGHING]

I went
on the pill, Howard.

I didn't want
to get pregnant again.
I was too scared.

You know, I...
[SNIFFLES]

I couldn't go through
another nine months,
and then...

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I tried to be so strong,
Howard, but I wasn't.

All our friends
were having kids,

showing me these pictures
of little boys and girls.

I mean,
I quit my career
for that.

Only when I'm working, and

they went on raising families
and I just watched them.

And I'm 34 and I feel like
all I've done is watch.

FATHER CHU: Good night,
Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon.

-Good night, Mr. Chu.
-Good night, Mr. Chu.

-Thank you.
-Thanks.

So...

[SIGHING]
So, maybe we...

Maybe we were better off
just to start over.

You know, fresh.

New people, new lives...

-New everything.
-Yeah.

'Cause, you know, we're
certainly not too old.

You're 34, I'm 40.

Look at Chu.
The man is 140 years old

and he's got more energy
than the both of us.

No, he is 140.
Last Aug... No.

-[ELIZABETH LAUGHING]
-September. September.
That's right.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Thanks, Howard.

You're so sweet.

Let's go.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
-[ELIZABETH CHUCKLES]

I think we're gonna
make great exes
than we did spouses.

-Huh?
-Wow.

Wouldn't that be...

Wouldn't that
be something?

Good night, Howard.

Good night.

[HOWARD LAUGHING]

DELRIO: Freeze!

Freeze, Pigeon. Now!

Howard.
What's going on?

Detective Delrio.

You idiot.
Can I introduce you
to somebody?

This is Elizabeth Pigeon,
my wife.

-Excuse me, sir.
-Hey!

This is not Mrs. Pigeon,
this is Miss Tifler, sir.

Oh, shut up.
Let me do my job, please.

Huh? Okay?

Pigeon, we found
the gun you bought.

The gun?

We have all the letters
in your wife's handwriting

-and your pathetic attempts
to doctor them.
-Letters? What letters?

You are already going to jail
for murdering your wife.

Inspector, this is
a big mistake.

It's a huge mistake.

You imbecile,
just ask her who she is.

This is Elizabeth.
This is my wife.

You bought
a gun for what?
What letters?

We know where
your wife went, Pigeon.

Down to the rocks
with the gun
and the pillow.

It's only a matter of time
until the body washes up.

Just like you, Pigeon,
all washed up.

Howard?

-He's a...
-Howard?

Yes, it's not what
it sounds like.

-Did you buy a gun?
-Yes, I bought a gun.

But it's... Can you
clear this up
in one second?

Ask her who she is.
This is Elizabeth.
Ask her.

DELRIO: Okay. Ma'am,

can you identify this man
as your husband?

Inspector, I've never seen
this man before
in my entire life.

Boom!

What?

Okay, take this man
away for good.

Don't do this to me.
Elizabeth, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.
Not jail again!

No! No!

[MEN CHATTERING]

HOWARD:
Oh, I know how it feels.

So, is that the water
with a fizz and lemon flavor?

Ah! No, that's the...
You're close.

You're close.
That's Calistoga,

I think you're thinking of.

No, we deal
with the more exotic,

uh, flavors, you know.

If you have a card,
I'll send you a sampling.

ELIZABETH: Mr. Pigeon,
I presume.

Yeah. Yeah.

[ELIZABETH CHUCKLES]

Here's the deal, Howard.

I'm thinking
about bailing you out.

And I've been adding up
the pluses and the minuses.

And if I go to the trouble,
I want a few things in return.

Yes, well.

Elizabeth, can you have 'em
open the cell?

We need to talk, Howard.

We need to start saying
what's on our minds.
We need to communicate.

Say, communicate
with the guard,

and get the key.

Do you think we can
make it work this time?

I do.

Yeah, I think we can.

[LAUGHING]

Uh, open the cell.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Howard,
let's go to the hotel.

I haven't wanted
to be alone with you
in nine years.

What about your
dental work?

Not a problem.

No headaches?

Hmm. Already took
my aspirin.

And the neighbors aren't
gonna bother you?

I wanna have babies
with you.

I wanna try again.

Home Shopping Network,

or the traditional way?

Eden Roc hotel please.

And no fancy shortcuts.
We've been there before.

You tell 'em, Howard.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

HOWARD: I'd like to keep
the gun, just in case.

[ELIZABETH LAUGHS]