Ship Ahoy (1942) - full transcript

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Now for the last number
of our engagement...

presenting Buddy Rich,
Ziggy Elman, Tallulah Winters,

and the girls
in the Hawaiian war chant.

Take it Buddy.

Hold on a minute.

Hold it a minute, kids.
Now dig this.

Our boat sails in two hours
from pier five.

I want everybody there a half hour
before sailing time for a checkup.

If you're gonna partyies,
watch the time,

because it's a long swim
to Puerto Rico.



Okay, kids.
See you on board.

Who's Skip Owens,
and what does he want?

That's him.
Hello.

Hello.
You remember me?

I'm sorry. I never can remember a
face but I always forget a name.

I've been sitting in the front row
every night for six weeks. Some expense.

What took you so long to get here?

I'm the bashful type.

You wanna know something?

You've won me completely.

I'm yours, body and soul

mind and heart, tooth and nail.

Goody!
I hit the jackpot.

These are for you babe.



Let's go where there's
soft lights and music.

And I'll let myself go.

You can let yourself go right now.

If you go to Puerto Rico,
I'll be devastated I'll be lost.

A ship without a?

Oh, Fran, better hurry.
We've got to stop by the hotel.

Can I walk you to your hotel?

It's only to the corner.

I can unburden myself in ten steps.

I think we'd better say good-bye here

Dr. Jekyll.
Look me up when I get back.

I'm sorry.

It's the salmon in me,
running upstream.

Come on, Fran.

Be right with you, Tallulah.

Ohh...

There she is.

Miss Winters.
Yes.

Police?
Well, what's it about?

You come with us.
The inspector will explain.

The inspector's
waiting. Come on.

Come on.

Miss Winters.
Yes.

Won't you sit down?
Thank you.

Alright, miss Winters.

Here we are.

Age 25, American born

height... 5' 6", hair brown, eyes blue.

Identification marks...
small scar over right eye.

Well, as you see, we've had you
under observation for some time.

But why? I haven't
done anything.

It's what you've done.
It's what you can do.

I don't understand.

If it where possible to perform
a great serve for your country,

would you do it?

Why, yes, naturally.
Of course.

Thanks. I was positive
you'd feel that way.

But what sort of service?

This is a model of the most powerful
magnetic mine in existence.

We want you to take
it to Puerto Rico for us.

You want me to carry that
to Puerto Rico?

Exactly.
But why me?

Because you're sailing tonight
with the theatrical company.

Therefore, your presence on board
is natural and accounted for.

There are enemy agents who will
go to any length to acquire it.

But it must reach our headquarters
in Puerto Rico safely.

You mean, traveling with the troupe

I won't be suspected.

Exactly.

Yes, but... but suppose...

I don't say there isn't danger.

We feel you're brave enough,
clever enough and ingenious enough

to carry it through.
Will you?

After that build up,
I don't see much choice.

It's for your country.

I guarantee you
every protection possible.

Alright, inspector.
I'll do my best.

That's all we ask.

It seems so little to be important.

You think so?
I'll show you.

Grimes, put that testing
plate on the floor.

Will you open your bag, miss Winters?

Thank you.
There we are.

Now then, just step on
that steel plate, will you?

Alright.

You mean like...

I see what you mean.
Alright, Grimes.

You see, the mine cannot be
demagnetized. That's its value.

In the water, it floats
with the flat side up.

The rounded half
has no magnetic force.

So I don't have to warn you.
This flat side up.

I'll say you don't.

Have you a key for this?
Yes.

Well, keep it locked.

I probably won't get any sleep,

but I'll get it there.
Good.

I was sure we picked the right girl.

Now, this is half of a very old coin.

You'll be contacted on the day
of your arrival by someone

with a matching half.

When you receive it,
your duties are over.

I feel like mata hari.

I hope I don't end up like she did.

I'm sure you won't.

Well, you're on your own now.

Good-bye, inspector.
Goob-bye and good luck.

Good-bye.

Grimes.

It worked.
It worked, Dr. Farno.

Of course it worked.

I could hardly have
persuaded our government

to move a theatrical troupe
from New York to porta rico.

Unless they felt the plan was foolproof.

You have the tickets?

Yes. Of course.
Good.

Larsen.
Yes, sir.

Contact operator c-9 immediately,

tell to have a submarine ready
to meet us here. Off San Juan.

Take?? Finishing??
Start packing at once,

we must be outta here before
anyone starts checking.

Here are your seats on the clipper.
Takes off in the morning.

Thank you, gentlemen.

You have accomplished most
excellent piece of strategy.

The idea was brilliant.
Where'd you get it?

I bought it...
For 10 cents.

What?

Olga the beautiful spy
by Merton Kibble.

"The beautiful Olga took the
box in her delicate fingers,

"little knowing she was
the dupe of foreign agents.

"I'll deliver this
if it costs my life.

"She placed the box in her hand
bag and with head held high,

"walked out into the night.
To be continued."

Ha ha ha!

Gentlemen, to the beautiful Olga

and her creator.

Olga gazed fascinated
into the eyes of her prince...

comma... he drew her closer... comma...

he pleaded for her love, her kiss.

Would she yield... question Mark.

Now let's see.
Uh, where are you?

I'm locked in a cabinet with wonderlad.

Oh, yeah, wonderlad.
Wonderlad, wonderlad.

Wonderlad, yes.

Wonderlad... steel cabinet
with wonderlad.

Wonderlad gasped for breath

as he hung locked in the small
steel cabinet of Dr. Fung mung tung,

the angry hiss
of the cobras beneath him.

As the flames of the burning
oil grew closer and closer,

he gritted his strong white
teeth and muttered to himself,

"big boy,
you're in trouble."

The flames grew hotter.
The fumes grew stronger.

Wonderlad grew weaker.

With all his remaining strength,

he flung himself at the cabinet door.

It was locked. It held firm.
He was licked.

That's fine, locked in with
hissing cobras and burning oil.

Yeah, how's he get him outta that?

Chapter three.

Once outta the cabinet,

he made a dash for the home
of the maharajah and safety.

Now let's see.

Now where are you?

I'm in the arms of a zombie.

The arms of a zombie.

Zombie.
Zombie, yes.

Arms of a zombie.
The arms of a zombie.

Oh, I can't go on.
This pace is killing me.

How can any man write
three stories at one time?

Mr. Kibble,
remember your nerves.

My nerves... I've only got one left
and it's liable to snap any minute.

Mr. Kibble.

Yes.

It's time for your vitamin.

Which one?

Vitamin d... the sunshine vitamin.

I've taken so many
I'm beginning to peel.

Mr. Owens phoned.

He said he's in a drugstore
with a broken heart.

How do you like that?

I'm suffering from every
ailment known to science,

and he's in a drugstore.

Wait till...
my throat. My throat.

Take it easy, I'll get
some hot chocolate.

Alright, ladies.
Where were we?

I'm in... I'm in... I'm in...

please, ladies, please.
Don't all talk at once.

Don't all talk at once!

There's no need to scream.

Screaming? Who's screaming?
I'm not screaming.

I haven't the strength to scream.

Where have you been!

Take it easy, boss.

Remember your aunt
Jemima's pectorosis.

Never mind my afflictions.

Where have you been?

I'm sorry, boss.
I'm devastated.

Cupid snuck up on me
and pierced my epidermis.

I'm a broken Reed,
a chafe in the wind.

Oh, this is the end.

The breakdown is here.
Phone Dr. Loring.

Now don't give in to it.

Don't give in to it, boss.
Remember wonderlad.

Don't mention wonderlad!

Alright.
Forget the jerk.

Hello,
Dr. Loring.

Merton Kibble is calling.

Tell him to get over here.

Let me have that.

Hello, doc.
This is Skip Owens.

Drop everything and mosey over.

What's wrong with him?

Boss, what's wrong?

Everything.
I'm shattered, crashed

a hull of a man.

He's a hull of a man.

No. Hull.
Hull of a man. Look.

Oh, what is this?
Get him over here.

Is his tongue coated?

How's your tongue, boss?
How's your tongue?

My tongue. My tongue.

Ahh...

It's sort of tweed.

You'd better go, he's one
of your best patiences.

Pure case of hypochondria.

There's nothing the matter with him.
He's as strong as an ox.

I'm waiting on an emergency call.

Give him a bromide and put him to bed.
I'll see him in the morning.

What does he say?
What does he advice?

He just...

yeah, yeah, doc.

I get what you mean.

I'll get him off tonight.

That ought to fix him up swell.

Definite orders, huh, doc?

O.k. I'll tell him.
Good-bye, doc.

Hospital. I knew it.
I'm going to a hospital.

Pack my things.

I'll pack, but you ain't
going to no hospital.

Where? Tell me the worst.

A nice long sea trip.
You'll love it.

Boats make me seasick.

Doctor's orders.

But I can't take it.
I'm allergic to the ocean.

It'll make a new man outta you.

I don't wanna.
I wanna be myself.

Sailing on the waves...
up and down. Down and up.

I can see you now sucking in the air.

Your red corporals get full of salt,

and they're feeling hep.

Why, they're so hep,

they drive your white corporals

out of your bloodstream.

And that food... that wonderful food.

Three times a day...

from soup to nuts and vice versa.

Caviar, pate de foie gras,

and cinnamon buns.

I love cinnamon buns.

Oh my godness!
He's fainted!

Pack his vitamins
and his tropical worsted.

We're catching a boat right away.

I have a chair here where it's quiet

so you can peruse.

What are you panting for?

I'm breathing according
to Steinbacher.

Let Steinbacher do his own breathing.

You're on a holiday.
Here you are.

Just put my things down and
go away and leave me alone.

Here's your thermos of spring water,

notes on the next
installment of wonderlad,

vitamins from Alpha to omega,

a copy of how to win
from your friends

and influential people.

Go away. Go away.

Okay. I got to continue
my own chapter.

I'll be back in an hour to check
is you're still breathing.

"For once, wonderlad was stumped.

"His country's secrets
were in the hands

"of Olga the beautiful spy.

"Would love or duty conquer?

Suddenly, a bolt from the blue..."

you're out! You're out!
I pegged you on third.

You brun it down at first.

Go away, little boy.
Go away.

It's awful warm today.
Why are you bundled up?

Let's not get nosy, bub.

I'm a magician.
Want to see a trick?

Yeah. Let's see
you disappear.

Have a candy?
No.

Ha ha ha!
Wanna smell my flower?

And let you squirt
water on me? No.

There's no water.
Honest.

Ha ha ha!

See. It ain't water.
It's root beer.

Go away. Go away before
I saw you in half.

What's he doing to you?

He's got my ball.
He won't give it back.

You ought to be ashamed.

It's your kind that made
Europe what it is.

Come away from this nasty man.

No! I wanna stay
and play with him.

I think you better go
with your big brother.

Come, Waldo.

I had them put a chair here
for you away from the gang.

Well, that looks like the spot, but...

oh, let him be.

No. I'll bet
that's your chair.

Oh, pardon me.
Did you lose something?

I was looking for a name.

Oh, how about Agnes?
That's a nice name.

A wise guy, huh?

I'm sorry.
She thought this might be my chair.

Oh.

It is. Here's your name...
Winters.

Sorry. It must be
my assistant's fault.

He's always getting
everything balled up.

It's quite alright.

Oh, no it isn't,
what's yours is yours.

I'll open another one.

If you wouldn't mind.

I can't quite manipulate
these folding chairs.

There's nothing to it once you have
the knack. A twist of the wrist.

Wrong twist.

It'll be a little
uncomfortable when it's...

It's broken.

Please don't bother.
We'll get another.

Yeah. Your life must be
valuable to someone.

It's low, but at least
I'm off the floor.

Timber! Timber!

That's official enough
for me, Bennet.

You can count on my cooperation.

Why does our government
think the mine's aboard?

We're not sure it is.

It's stolen and bound
for Puerto Rico.

We're covering every ship
and plane headed south.

You'll want the passenger list.

Yes, and data on your crew.

We want the run of the ship.

We'll make a thorough search.

That will be difficult...
discreetly, I mean.

That's my job.

Higgins will be one of your stewards.

It's easier.

Very well.

Good luck to you.

Thank you, sir.
Thannk you, sir.

# Oh, a life
on the ocean ##

How do you do?

# A life on the ocean #

Hey, steward.

Where do you get that steward stuff?

You got a white coat on.

Go play near an open hatch.

Hey! Want to see
two tricks?

Yeah. Where is she?

Watch.
I'm a magician.

Hey, that ain't bad.
That ain't bad.

I got another trick.

Watch this...

the magic words.

Safalafa safalafa too.

Nakasaka nakasaka poo.

Hey, that's good.
That's pretty good.

You want to try?

No, not me.

Go ahead.

Aw, no, i... well, nothing ventured...

ha ha ha!

Nothing ventured, I always say.

Ha ha ha!

It's a trick. Trick.

What was them words?

Safalafa safalafa too.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Hagasaki Nagasaki ragasaki.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha.
A trick, huh?

He must have given me
the wrong words.

Good-bye.

That hair. That shoulder.
That chassis.

I'd know it anyplace.

Guess who.

The leprecorn.

Hiya, babe.

How did you get on board?

Love laughs at latitude.

Let me in on the giggle.

I work for a nervous guy.

He needs salt air, and I need you.

Sounds like a song.

I'm tying on the feed bag.

Nose in with me.

Fran.

Let's get going.

Steward, where's the dining room?

Steward.

This is Mr....

Skip Owens, author,
novelist, and raconteur.

All in one package.

Let's get moving, girls.

So long, raconteur.

Steward.

Look me up after dinner.

We'll find a nice quiet place.
So we can be alone.

I'll open champagne in
a new pincer movement.

Okay.

Oh, what a doll.

The only one in the world for me.

I wouldn't give two cents
for all the girls...

my dear, you're wrong.

These ships can't possibly compare

with the European liners.

A continental man is so polished,

so, uh, so debonair.

With all the bourgeois here,

I'm so glad we're
at the captain's table.

I beg your pardon.

Don't think me presumptuous,

but didn't we meet at...

Biarritz?

Biarritz. Where else?

How devastating of you to remember.

How could one possibly
forget your exquisite kisser?

How do you do?
How do you do?

Boer war, you know.
Ha ha ha!

Did we meet at lady turgid's party?

Where else?
Lady turgid's party.

What a gay, mad caprice.

I drank wine from your slipper.

2 quarts.

Ah, biarritz.

Cigarette?

No, thank you.

Gum?
Thank you, no.

May I convoy you ladies?

Well, of course you're sitting
at the captain's table.

But where else?

One doesn't mingle
with the riff and the raff,

does one?

Ha ha ha!

You know, you remind me
of prince karakoff.

Who? Prince karakoff.
I adore him.

He's so victorian...

always takes his shoes off

and goes wading in the cold consomme.

Still at it?
Oh.

Think you'll get it
before Puerto Rico?

I've worked out more
serious problems than this.

Try the chair that's already set up.

Would that admit defeat?

Possibly, but it would
save wear and tear.

Uh, miss Winters.

Yes.

Miss Winters, I, um...
where are you going?

Nowhere.
Just walking.

Just walking, hmm?

It's awful nice up here.

Yes, it is nice.
Yes, it is nice.

Mm-hmm.

I thought we could set up

a couple of chairs

and get to know each other better.

Let's go dance and
really get acquainted.

I'm sorry.
I don't dance... claustrophobia.

We'll sit that one out.

I thought we could
just sit here and breathe.

Don't you breathe indoors?

Oh, these are special
breathing exercises

by Dr. Steinbacher.

Oh, Dr. Steinbacher.

Yeah. He's the expert
on breathing.

Oh, yes.
I've heard of him.

Breathing...

What won't they think of next?

Would you like to see the exercises?

Sounds thrilling.
They're good for you.

We face each other
and take a deep breath.

Then bring your arms up slow,

and you stretch them...

Out.

Stretch them out.

And then you move forward,

and before you know it,
you're dancing.

Well, what do you know?

Oh, you dance beautifully, Mr. Kibble.

I took six lessons.

That's before I was stricken.

Stricken? With what?

Everything. I have
every ailment known.

A medical student could
walk around me once

and get a degree.

Dancing will make a new man of you.

It has already.

I could dance with you
like this forever.

Don't you want to improve?

For a stricken man, you hold up well.

That's because
of Dr. Steinbacher.

Forget Dr. Steinbacher
for a while.

Give Dr. Dorsey
a chance.

What do you say?

Well...

Well?

If I do, I get a whipping.

I do'd it.
Ha ha ha!

# It's the last call
for love #

# time to say,
fare thee well #

# let the taps
tell you all #

# that my heart
dare not tell #

# with your eyes
in the stars of old glory #

# can I help but
be faithful to you? #

# Till we meet on the day
we're dreaming of #

# it's the last call
for love #

# Till we meet on the day
we're dreaming of #

# it's the last call
for love #

# it's the last call
for love ##

Well?

Well, the more I dance,
the braver I get.

Just how brave do you get?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Oh, excuse me, sir.

That's quite alright.

It's very refreshing.

It must be awfully late, Merton.

What's the time, mate?

Six bells, sir.

Six bells? Really?

I'm half a bell slow.

Six bells
makes 3:00,

eight, 4:00,
then back to one.

Nautical double-talk, huh?

I'd better get to bed before sunrise.

Don't go. It might
be cloudy tomorrow.

Suppose Fran wakes up

and puts two and two together?

She'd get an awful headache.

Come on.

We both need some sleep.

I once went four nights
without sleep.

What happened?

I fell flat on my face.

It's the end of the line.

How about a transfer?

See you on deck tomorrow.

I'll go up and wait.

No. We'll meet on
"a" deck at 10:00.

Make it "b" deck
at 9:00.

Let's compromise.
"C" deck at 9:30.

Go to your cabin and get some sleep.

Okay, but nobody ever
made any progress sleeping.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Well.

Hiya, Kibble.
You look kind of broad.

Broad?

Don't tell me you're
from squaresville.

Where's squaresville?

Why, man, that's everywhere.

Oh, you mean I don't
dig it. I'm not hep.

Groovy.

You bet I'm groovy.

I'm waiting for a beautiful wren.

Well, skin, man.
Skin?

Well, all reet.

All root.

Let's live a little.

Your friend looks like
he hit the jackpot.

Hiya.
How am I doing?

Don't get up.
It won't do you any good.

I just got enough for myself.

I'm a girl miser.

Quite a covey, Tom.

Some gang.

# Have you met Dolores?

# Yes, I've met
Dolores #

# she's queen
of the chorus #

# you can have
the chorus #

# have you met Olivia?

# Solid chick,
Olivia #

# her I'd gladly give ya

# throw her
in the riv-ia #

# who's your
queenaroola? #

# Tallulah

# oh, that gal Tallulah

# he's Tallulah's
foola #

# I would fight
a duela #

# Tallulah's
got him screwla #

# I would climb
a hilla #

# just like Jack
and jilla #

# paddle
to brazila #

# oh, this is
getting silla #

# because I love her
trula #

# who?

# Tallulah

# when she starts
on the conga #

# why, madame
la zonga #

# is fricassee

# no one doing the hula

# can do what Tallulah
can do to me #

# I have met Fatima

# Fatima
is a schema #

# I have met marquita

# marquita
is a cheata #

# I have met jemima

# she's a social
climba #

# I have met Ophelia

# she will
double-deal ya #

# for one who
loves me trula #

# I'll take Tallulah #

It's been a wasted
trip I'm afraid, captain.

We've covered this ship from engine
room to bridge and we've seen nothing

that looks like a magnetic mine.

Check all the passengers?

Higgins searched every stateroom

and every possible hiding place,

including Dorsey's trombone.

Not even a clue?
Not one.

We thought we had something

was in this "b" deck stateroom.

Higgins found a small case,
practically burgler proof.

Hidden in a bottom drawer.

Took an hour to open it.

Jewelry?

Vitamin tablets and throat sprays.

Oh, yes. Kibble.

What time do we dock?

About 9:00 if everything
goes well.

Higgins and I will hop off

to report before you dock.

Coming to my party tonight?
We'll be around.

With everyone at the ball, we'll
have time to search the cabins again.

Well, thanks for everything, captain.

Good luck.
Thank you.

Babe, let's knock off

for a beaker of punch.

Might as well.
There's none in your dancing.

What do you want from Louis XV?
Boogie-woogie?

Miss Winters, you and your gang

made this a pleasant voyage.

Do you often take long jumps

like New York to Puerto Rico?

Oh, it's not unusual.

I once jumped from
Australia to Jersey city.

That must have been something.

I'll say. Have you
been to Jersey city?

I was born there.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry.

Oh, uh, cutting in?

Why, n... if you don't mind.

Who am I to argue with Adam.

Oh, I'm not Adam.
I'm a cave man.

You're pretty pale for a cave man.

I don't come out of my cave much.

What kept you so long?

My leopard had zipper trouble.

Ha ha ha!

# Poor you

# I'm sorry
you're not me #

# for you
will never know #

# what loving you
can be #

# poor you

# you'll never know
your charms #

# you never feel
your warmth #

# you're never
in your arms #

# when it is you
I'm kissing #

# I pity you
constantly #

# you don't know
what you're missing #

# for you're only kissing
poor me #

# poor you

# you'll live
your whole life through #

# and yet you'll never know

# the thrill
of loving you #

# Poor you

# I'm sorry
you're not me #

# for you will
never know #

# what loving you
can be #

# poor you

# you'll never
know your charm #

# you never
feel your warmth #

# you're never
in your arms #

# when it is you
I'm kissing #

# I pity you
constantly #

# you don't know
what you're missing #

# for you're only
kissing poor me #

# poor you

# you'll live your
whole life through #

# and yet you'll
never know... #

# Know

# the thrill
of loving you #

# Poor you

# I'm sorry
you're not me #

# for you
will never know #

# you'll never know
what loving you can be #

# wow

# poor
miserable you #

# ain't never going
to feel all right #

# ain't never going
to feel all reet #

# all root, zoot

# you're never
in your arms #

It's murder, Jack.

# When it is you
I'm kissing #

# I'm inclined to pity you constantly,
you dope #

# you don't know
what you're missing #

# because you're only
mua, mua, mua #

# poor me, poor you

# poor me, poor you

# you lived your whole
life through #

# and yet you never knew

# that Wednesday night
is bank night #

# poor you, poor me

# poor us, poor we

# shoot the cupid
to me, stupid ##

Yeah!

# Da da da da da

# da da da

# da da #

It's much nicer up here, isn't it?

With the moon and the stars

and the water

and you and me... Us.

It's been a wonderful
trip, hasn't it?

Yes. My stomach and I
have been very happy.

There's one thing I don't like
about a sea voyage, though.

The ship always arrives.

Don't you want it to?

No. That is, not until
I tell you that...

Let's sit down, huh?

What's that?

It's only the wireless.

Oh. Sounds like
my dentist.

What were you going to say?

I want to get something off my chest.

I don't mean this leopard skin.

What's stopping you?

Two Adam's apples.

Ever since we first met,
I've wanted to...

darling,
I... love... you.

You do?

Really?
Tom.

Tom? Who's Tom?

The wireless.
That's what the message said.

Oh, that. Oh.

You understand that thing?

I learned the code for a show.

It's dots and dashes, like this.

Well, what do you know?

Say, what was that message?

S-o-s, the distress signal.

Oh. Oh, I see
what you mean.

You can send
that message for me again.

Here I am... a moon, soft music,

and a beautiful girl.

By this time, Romeo would
have been rounding third.

Maybe I'd better
send you a radiogram.

I'll send it for you.

Would you?

Well, how would you say,
"you're wonderful"?

I'd say that like this.

You're wonderful.

Well, what do you know?

Well, how would you say...

"I love you"?

Oh, I'd say that...
Like this.

Repeat that message.

Those taps were on the level.

She was really sending.

She's sending now, too, brother.

How about a little kiss?

No.

Oh, come on.
Let's try one for size.

Skippy, how about some wine?

Wine?

No. Your lips
are nectar.

Your cheeks are burgundy.

Your eyes are port.

That left one's a little starboard.

There's sure scotch in you.

I'm glad I brought a radio.

Maybe a little music
will loosen you up.

I'll sing.
Play something soft and malodorous.

How about ordering some food?

Food?

Who thinks of food
at a time like this?

I do, that as far as I get.

What's wrong with this radio?

Yes, is it censored?

Don't know what's wrong.

It's Tallulah's.
She bought it just before we sailed.

Let me see.

Come in, and don't linger.

Radiogram
for Mr. Kibble.

Put it on the table, son, and adios.

Hey, do you know
anything about radios?

Yes, miss, a little.

Then fix this one.

Stop. There's
a gentleman present.

Where? Oh, him.

What's wrong with it?

Oh, nothing important.
Nothing important.

It won't play!

Maybe it's your tubes.

Never mind about me.
You fix the radio.

Yes, sir. I'll get a screwdriver
and take the back off.

Mayne this nail file might work.

Oh, my sweet.

While he's here, let's order supper.

Take it easy, babe.
Take it easy.

We'll split a bottle of vitamins.

It's the captain's party.

Everything's free.

Well... are you hungry, baby?

Why didn't you say so?

Boy, never mind that radio.

I can fix it if I get the back off.

Never mind.
Bring two pheasants

and a Magnum of champagne.

Yes, sir.
What year?

This year. I ain't
going to live forever.

Yes, sir.

Oh, my sweet.

My darling.

I ought to go outside
and sell tickets.

I'm in love.

Oh, this is getting irkish.

Positively abdominal.

Here. There's
a radiogram for you.

You read it.

She loves me, and I love her.

We love each other.

Holy smokes!
It's from the editor.

"Wonderlad in precarious position.

"You're not far behind him.

Get busy.
F. Burton beardsley."

You gotta go.
We gotta get wonderlad outta a volcano.

What about our party?

Order a ham on rye and charge it
to Kibble. Come on, boss. Give out.

We'll have a cottage and children

with blue hair and red eyes.

Never mind the blue-haired cottage.

The editor is having triplets.

If there's two under there,
let mine sleep.

Fran my radio's gone.
Have you seen it?

It's in Merton's stateroom.

Merton?

I took it to get skip in the mood.

I should have taken
Dorsey and the boys.

Where you going?
To get it.

Does that mean anything to you?

We're facing a financial blitz.

You're practicing time steps.

I can't concentrate on
Olga when I love Tallulah.

How can you concentrate on Tallulah

when Olga's footing the bills.

We'll end up as beachcombers,

and I hate fish.
Come on, drop some pearls.

I'm champing at the bit.

Okay, skip where did we leave off?

Chspter 19. They're sailing
on the Indian ocean.

Oh yeah, let's see.
What was that last line?

"Slowly, Olga's soft, delicate hand

touched
wonderlad's sleeve."

Yeah. Let's see.

Dictation. Wonderlad
turned quickly,

and he watched the moonlight

playing in her dark, lustrous hair.

That's good, boss.
That is good.

As she flung herself into his arms.

He felt the mystery that lurked in
her almond-shaped, emerald eyes.

Beautiful.

He saw the curve
of her full, red lips.

Entrancing, boss. That's
entrancing.

This is the moment
he'd been waiting for.

"Your highness,"
he murmured hoarsely,

"adios."

Adios?

That's his way of saying good-bye.

That's his way of being a jerk,

what's the matter with that guy
treating Olga like that.

Why shouldn't he?
She stole his blueprints.

He was stringing her along
till he got 'em back.

He got them back.
Olga's through.

What do you mean?

I'm writting her outta this serial.
This is her final installment.

You can't do that, boss, not to Olga.

After all we've
been through together?

Egypt, ming su's den,

that hotel room in schenectady.

It ain't right, boss.
It ain't right.

Olga's finished.
That's final.

Look, the public demands
new faces in their fiction,

same as in pictures or theater.

But it ain't human.

Would Fran like it if I gave
her the old brusheroo?

Would she?
Don't answer that.

Honest, Olga rates something
better than a fast good-bye.

You can't go and leave her
on the gangplank.

Ah, don't be sillty,
I've done it a dozen times.

It's just a shipboard flirtation.

I don't get it.

You got someone you can fool around
with and you gonna toss her over.

You don't understand, I have to
have changes, variety, new types.

Get yourself tied down to a character
like that, you're really stuck.

I'm telling you, you'll wish you
had her back.

So I'll get her back. Don't worry,
now let me handle it, will you?

Come on, picklepuss.
Write this for me.

Oh... alright.

Anything wrong, miss?

No. No, nothing wrong.
Thank you.

Steward.
Yes, ma'am.

My roommate left my radio
in Mr. Kibble's cabin.

Yes, a portable.
I tried to fix it.

Would you mind getting it for me?

They may be retiring.

Not at all, miss.

Dictation.

Olga...

Okay "Olga."

Come in.

What do you want?
Nobody rang.

The young lady would like her radio.

It's on the dresser.

Thank you, sir.

Olga stood there with tears
rolling down her face.

As wonderlad rushed
down the gangplank,

her grief was evident.

Okay.

Here you are.
If you let me I could fix it.

No, thank you.
I'll have it fixed tomorrow.

Press and photographers
are going aboard. I'll go.

Be careful. We don't
know who's who.

As the cafe manager,
I'm greeting my star.

Take her to the hotel.

Make sure she's not followed.

If anything seems suspicious, phone.

Otherwise, I'll be at the
cafe tonight as arranged.

I wish these towels
didn't say s.S. Puerto Rico.

Fran.

I'm going to say
good-bye to the menace.

Don't tell them where we'll live.

I don't want Merton hanging around.

Hey! I thought you two
were headed places.

We are, but in different directions.

Maybe I'm dumb.
I don't get it.

I'll send a steward for the bags.

Come in, steward.

Good morning, darling.
Is there anything I could do?

No, thanks.
Nothing at all.

At least I can take your bag.

Don't bother.
I'll take it.

Wait.
Did anything happen?

Shipboard flirtations
stop at the gangplank.

Flirtation?
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my darling, only last night,

you said... that is, we said...

that was last night on deck.
The trip's over.

I'll appreciate it if you
don't look me up on shore.

But you can't... miss Winters?

Yes?

Soory, I'm Pietro Polesi,
manager of the ship cafe.

How do you do?

The press photographers are on deck.

Some publicity would be
good for business.

Of course.
I'm ready.

May I take your bag?

No thanks. Alright.

Senor.

Is that the way wonderlad would act?

Where's the old pepper?

Remember what he done
to the moon goddess.

I'm Merton Kibble.
We're not on the moon.

The situation's the same.
Would he quit? Would he give up?

Hello, babe.
I'll ring you later.

You!

Nobody loves a welsher, boss.

Wonderlad would take that skirt,

toss her over his shoulder,

and run right up into the hills.

There she is now.
Go pounce on her.

I'll do it.

Did you fall, boss?
Did you hurt yourself?

Did you fall?
Did you fall?

If he didn't, that's a silly
way to come down stairs.

Hi, babe.

I'll carry my own bag.

But, Tallulah, I was...

come on, Fran.

Wait. Hey, babe!
Wait a minute.

Hey, toots!

Excuse me.
My bag.

Anything wrong, sir?

Yes. I can't
lift my bag.

It looks very light, sir.

Oh, yeah? Let's see
you lift it, Samson.

Very good, sir.

See?
This way.

Wait. I'll take it,
if you don't mind.

Yes, sir.

Probably a cramp in your wrist, sir.

Give it a brisk rub.

Oh!

Easy now.

Oh, sorry, sir.
So sorry, sir.

Easy.

Take it easy.

I'm alright.
Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Well, sir, here we are again.

Yes, i...

wait.
I'll take it myself.

Yes, sir.

Oh, why does everything happen to me?

What's the matter,
Mr. Kibble?

Lose a bet?

No, uh... Everybody carries
a bag by the handle,

and I just didn't want to be corny.

It's quite alright.

I can get up
by myself. Thank you.

Well, either we've slipped up on the
boat, or you've missed down here.

It looks that way, right?
We've checked every clipper

and ship that touched San Juan.

How do you know they didn't sent
that mine model somewhere else.

I don't.
I'm playing a hunch.

I can't get that theatrical
troupe on board outta my mind.

Why are they playing
a port this size?

Who's paying for their trip?

We've thought about that, too.

Is that film on Polesi ready?
Send it in.

Polesi?

He operates the ship cafe,

a floating night club.

He'll even take you
on a midnight cruise.

It must have cost him a fortune.

That's just the point.

Two months ago, Polesi was running

a cheap waterfront dive
back in New York.

Let's take a look.

Now, that's Polesi there.

But that other... wait.
Stop the film right there.

Waht?

This other guy.
Don't you know who he is?

Dr. Farno. Flew in a few days ago.
I haven't got a report.

Here's one,
Dr. Farno has a bogus degree,

some peculiar friends,

and a terrific bankroll.

Alright.

Perhaps he's gone into
the night club business.

I think we're on the beam.

Come on, Higgins.
We're going to the ship cafe.

Oh, fine.
Nothing like a cruise

after eight days at sea.

Hey, hey, she's gone.

That ain't gonna get you nothing
but calluses.

Oh, snap outta it.
Turn on the old personality.

Look at me.

That's the most gruesome
suggestion you've had yet.

It's just a lovers' quarrel.
Everybody had 'em.

Hiya, puss.
What are you doing after the show?

The laundry.

Cute dish, drooling with charm.

Did you send miss Winters flowers?

Yeah.

Signors Kibble and Owens?

That's us.

You've got news from backstage?

Miss Winters
returns these to Mr. Kibble.

Miss Barret hopes to see these
appropriately draped.

I'm going home.

Wait a minute.

That's your trouble.

You can't stand a little rebuffing.

I'll suffer with my slippers on.

You suffer your way,
and I'll suffer mine.

Oh, cigarettes.

Efa safalafa safalafa safado.

Hagasaki Nagasaki ragasaki poo.

You mean, you're the man...

no, no. Dr. Farno.

He wants to see you
in my office between shows.

Dr. Farno.
Thank goodness.

Tell him I'll be there.

Very good.

Mr. Kibble's room,
please.

Yes, Merton Kibble.

Oh. No. No message.

Operator. Are you sure
you're ringing the right room?

Mr. Kibble's room is 406,
isn't it?

Oh, I see. 312.

I'm sorry.
Thank you.

312, please.
Certainly.

Senorita.
Thank you.

Kibble.

Kibble.

Peekaboo.

I was just looking for something.

I'll bet.

You don't understand.
It's mine.

It belongs to me.

What?

Just something.

What?

Nothing.

You're looking for nothing

and expect to find something.

Is that it?

You don't understand.

Alright, I'll tell you.

I'm here on a vital mission.

I'm a government agent.

Is that so? I work for
the government, too,

and I'm taking you downstairs.

Oh, no.
It's alright for me to be here.

I belong here.
I'm Mrs. Kibble.

You're Mrs. Kibble.

Does Mr. Kibble
know it?

No. I mean, yes.
Of course he knows. How ridiculous.

I guess that's why he registered

with a Mr. Skip Owens.

Oh, that. Well...

Well, you see,
we're keeping it a secret.

From each other, no doubt.

You're coming if I have to carry you.

Oh, no, I'm not.

That's the truth.
I am Mrs. Kibble.

Oh, darling, you're back.

Oh, it's been so long.

Don't you know me, dear?
I'm your wife.

Your wife.

I'm your wife?
I mean...

it's just the shock.

He's not used to me.

Oh, darling, is that any way
to act on your honeymoon?

Honeymoon?
Say, who are you?

Now, darling, don't talk.

There are things I must tell you first.

The children send their love.

You're on your honeymoon

and the children send their love?

These are from a former marriage.

You never told me about a former...

let's not go into that
old argument again.

Wait until we're alone.

You do want to be alone, don't you?

Sure, this is wond...

we're not alone.

Well, he doesn't mind.
Do you, old man?

Who, me? No.

Go ahead.
Go ahead.

See? He likes it.

Please, Merton,
get that man out of here.

I'm sorry, old man.
You know how it is.

Sure, I know how it is.

You don't mind.
We'd like to be alone.

I understand.
I like to be alone on my honeymoons.

Yahoo!

What's that for?

Just something I owe you.

Wait a minute.
What's this all about?

I want my bag.
Our bags were switched this morning.

That was your bag with concrete?

Never mind what's in it.
I want it back.

It's in the other room.
But you can't take it.

What?

If you take it, you'll go away.

I don't want you to.

Darling, I'm so balled up,

I don't know whether
I'm going or going.

Oh, Merton, how can you be so blind?

Why do you think
I've acted like this?

Can't you see i...

you mean you love me?

Let me get my bag.

It will prove what I say.

Sure, sure go ahead.

Honey, you've made me the
happiest man in the world.

The honeymoon's over.

Did you hear me?

You've made me the
happiest man in the world.

Darling?

She jumped.

She jumped.

Oh, she's jumped.

What is this?

Hey, open the door!

Operator.
You've locked me in.

I mean I've been locked in.
Send up a key.

How is connubial bliss?

I'm locked in.

Oh!

Hi, babe.

What happened?
What happened?

It's Tallulah.

She just went in the elevator.

Elevator?
Come on.

Is this a new game?

I'm going to find out.

Never mind, come on.
That girl's in trouble she's gone crazy.

Hey, taxi, wake up.

I take you.

We traveling by mouse?

Come on, skip, come on.

Ship's cafe.
Step on it.

Excellent, miss Winters.
Excellent.

You've done your
country a great service.

It will not be unappreciated.

I'm glad it's over.

I've lost 10 pounds
in important places.

I imagine it has been quite a strain.

Strain? I nearly died when
the bags were switched.

Switch of bags?

A gentleman picked up
mine in place of his own.

I didn't notice until tonight.

I rushed to his hotel
and got it back.

Do you know who this man is?

His name is Kibble.

Kibble? Kibble.

Not Merton Kibble?

Yes. You know him?

I've heard of him.

Did he let you take
this without questions?

Why not?
He knows nothing about the mine.

He may know more than you think.

Are you sure you weren't followed?

Of course not. The whole
thing was a mistake.

I'm not so sure.
Dr. Farno.

What does Kibble look like?

Tall, red hair...

look.

Why, yes.
That's Merton.

You think he knows about the mine?

I think you've led us to the
enemy agents who are after it.

But that's ridiculous.
Merton couldn't be a spy.

Anyone can be a spy.

See miss Winters
to her dressing room.

Come, my dear. Get ready
for your performance.

Act as though nothing had happened.

Dr. Farno will handle everything.

All aboard!

All aboard!

We just made it.
Come on.

You gentlemen have a reservation?

No. We'd like to see
miss Tallulah Winters.

Miss Winters.
Yes.

I think it can be arranged.

Follow me.

Come in, gentlemen, come in.

We've been expecting you.

There must be some mistake.
We're looking for miss Winters.

You're Merton Kibble,
author of wonderlad?

Wonderlad, Princess Olga,

Peter the zombie, and miss
crumpstair's kitchen secrets.

Give him your autograph
and let's scram.

You're very clever, aren't you?

It's how I make a living.

As you see, I have the magnetic mine.

Eat it in good health.

I mean, I hope you'll enjoy yourself.

Good night.

Say, what's this all about?

Taking a page from your book,
Mr. Kibble,

"Olga the beautiful spy

has delivered
the goods."

Olga?

Oh, stop acting, Kibble.

The bag switch was neatly done.

Fortunately, miss Winters recovered it.

What's he selling?
Wait a minute.

This is beginning to penetrate

through my thick skull.

As you can see.
The ship's headed to sea.

All that remains is to
finish matters here.

What do you mean,
"finish matters here"?

I got an inkling.

You're a writer,
Mr. Kibble.

You should be able to figure
the end of a chapter.

Take them below.

Below? Below?
What are they going to do?

This way, gentlemen.

Don't worry.
Wonderlad never lost a battle.

But you ain't wonderlad. You just
write the guy. Can't we arbitrate?

Come on.
I'm going. I'm going.

Where are my vitamins?

Oh, here they are.

Why kid your system
at a time like this?

It's a stamina vitamin.
You better have one.

No, I need alphabet soup.

Once. Just once
before I die.

Efa safalafa safalafa safado.

Hagasaki Nagasaki ragasaki poo.

Oh!

Quiet.

What do you think
you're trying to do?

Magic, but I still ain't
got the right words.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now, you mustn't get nervous.

Cigarette?

No, thanks.
I don't...

So you're the writer of the
wonderlad stories, huh?

I was.
I mean, I am.

Do you like them?

No.

I think your wonderlad
is a featherweight.

I like your movie heroes.

Good straight shooting,

bodies lying all around.

It sort of stimulates you, huh?

Ahh, the agony of it.

Why, it's beautiful.

Compared to wonderlad,
movie heroes are soft.

Ever notice the way
those fellows die?

What do you mean?

You give me a shot in the air,

and I'll show you.

You think the noise
will bring help, huh?

You could fire a Cannon here.

Nobody could hear it.

You could?

I was only getting my hat.

How many bullets do those hold?

Plenty. Plenty bullets.

Plentty, huh?
Give me another shot.

I'll show you how George raft dies

when he gets shot...
always very slowly,

tossing a coin.

Let me show you
Edward g. Robinson.

You give me four shots this time.

Because when Robinson gets shot,

he never knows he's been hit.

He keeps right on talking, like this...

listen, fellows.
You take orders from me, see?

Well, what are you looking at?

I'm still chief.
I'm going, but I'll be back.

Ohh.

Want to see another?
No.

Chester Morris
really dies with finesse.

Look, keep shooting for him,

because no matter
how many times he's shot,

he goes until he gets
to where he's headed.

What's the matter?

No more bullets,
but I've got another gun.

No, you haven't.
Put up your hands.

So you don't like wonderlad?

Well, you're meeting him face-to-face...

wonderlad in the flesh.
The hero of a thousnad conquests.

Anyone I know?

I'm going to shoot your
eyebrows off one by one.

Wonderlad never misses.
I can split a hair at 50 paces.

50 paces?
50 paces.

Hey, boss.

You can smile, but it's your last one.

Hey, boss.

Quiet.
I'm handling this.

So you thought you could
best me in a battle of wits?

Brace yourself for hot lead.

Can I see you for one minute?

Be quiet. I know what I'm doing.

Ha ha ha!

This man's gone mad.

Ooh!

Ow!

Why...

Where we heading for?

We've gotta get help.

I want to get off this scull.
While I still have mine.

Tallulah's a spy,
and Farno's got the mine.

We can't leave now.

Want to bet?

Shh. Come on.

Don't make any noise, skip.

Skip, I told you not to make noise.

Skip. Skip. Whoa!

What happened?
Who tripped me?

I must have hit an air pocket.

Where am I?
Where am I?

Oh, boss. Boss!
Where are you, boss?

Oh, this is awful.
This is awful.

Oh, boss. Boss!

Oh, isn't this disgusting?

What happened?
Where are my vitamins?

Water. Get me some water,
will you?

Water. Water.
We're saved.

Water.

This will have to do.

Here you are, boss.

Take a swig of this
will straighten you up.

What is that?
Napoleon Brandy.

Can you take vitamins with it?

Napoleon took Josephine with it.

Go on, boss.
Go on, go on.

Good enough for Napoleon,
good enough for me.

That-a boy, boss.
That-a boy, boss.

How you feeling?

A little better.

I'll get you some more.

We've got to get out of here.

How we gonna get out?
There ain't any doors.

We'll get out the way we came in.

Are you kidding?

This midnight cruise is a great idea.

Yeah. A showboat
at my time of life.

Why, Mr. Bennet.

That's right.

Sorry to intrude, miss Winters.

What are you doing here?

It's my business to get in places.

I don't think so...
you're a government agent, too?

That's right.
I see.

They put you on the boat to protect me.

Possibly.

Well, you slipped up badly.

The mine was stolen
the morning we arrived,

but don't worry, I got it back

and delivered it to your chief.

Chief? What chief?

Dr. Farno,
in Polesi's office.

Dr. Farno
in Polesi's office, huh?

Where are you going?
To Dr. Farno.

Hold everything, brother.

What's this?
Pipe down, lady.

You, keep your hands out of your pockets,
and start walking.

We'd better do as they say.

Go get some more barrels, rover.

"Get another barrel," he says.
"Get another barrel."

I don't see why you wanna leave
a beautiful place like this.

It's cozy and comfortable,
and no cover charge.

Get another barrel.
Get another barrel.

Every minute, get another barrel.

Where's your patriotism?

We've got to get Farno.

We've gotta get the mine.

Have we lost the mine?

We're just a couple of boys

who've lost our mines.

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

The jackpot.

I got the jackpot.
The jackpot.

Hey, skip. How did you
get up here with me?

I'm not up here with you.

I'm down here with me.

We had an avalanche.

We gotta build it all over again.

We gotta build it all over again.

We'll make it soild.

Here's something that will make

a good foundation.

We'll be out of here in no time.

Hey, boss, where are you?

Just outside this door.

Door.

A door.
Come on.

Now wait, we can't go upstairs.
They'll recognize us.

We've got to do something.

Let's slip into these waiters' outfits.

We'll get in trouble
with the waiters' union.

Come on, put them on.

How will I look
in a pirate's costume?

My answer would only lead to bloodshed.

Miss Winters, your work is finished.

Meddling is an unfortunate trait.

Make ready to leave at once.
We've no time to lose.

They're calling
for the girl. It's a riot.

Tell Dorsey to put on another number.

Wait. Her absence
will cause questioning.

Let her go on as usual.

She knows too much.
She'll talk.

I don't think so.
Yes, but...

I don't think so.

I'm sure miss Winters
realizes that her life

and her companions'
lives are in her hands.

Miss Winters,
do your number, say nothing,

and remember,

our waiters were hired

for their marksmanship.

I understand.

Good.

Jawohl! Verstanden.

Well?
"Submarine on way.

Will contact at appointed time. Fsqd."

"Submarine on way.

Will contact at appointed time.
Fsqd." Good.

Very good.
Very good.

Is everything prepared?

A port-side boat ready to be lowered.

Tell Dorsey to start the number.

Remember, no tricks.
Just do your dance.

# We were sailing along

# on moonlight bay

# we could hear
the darkies singing... #

There she is.
Let's grab her.

No, we gotta get Farno and the mine.

# You have stolen
her heart #

# now don't go away

# as we sang love's old
sweet song on moonlight bay #

# voices hum

# crooning
over moonlight bay #

# banjos strum

# tuning while
the moonbeams play #

# all alone,
unknown, they find me #

# memories like these
remind me #

# of the girl
I left behind me #

# down on moonlight bay

# we were sailing along

# on moonlight bay

# we could hear
the darkies singing #

# they seemed to say

# you have stolen
her heart... #

Come on.
We're not making any progress.

No. But we're making a mistake.
Let's surround her.

No. We need strategy.
Strategy.

# On moonlight bay

did you hear that?

Hear what? What?
What?

She isn't dancing.
She's tapping out a message.

My Brandy wore off.

You know she's a spy.

She's tapping a message to someone.

# You have stolen
her heart #

# now don't go away

# as we sang love's old sweet
song on moonlight bay ##

Stop the music.
Stop?

I told you.
That fellow's taking it.

Let's launch him.
No!

That girl is okay.

I knew it.
Are you with me?

What are we waiting?
Come on let's go.

Wait. We can't leave
the message.

I did it, I did it.
And without the words!

Stand by to lower the boat.
We're coming up.

Who is it?
Peters.

What about the girl?

Keep her here till we're off the boat.

Okay, let's go.

Get back there, Polesi.

Where is miss Winters?

Never mind.
Get the mine, Kibble.

Where's Bennet?

Boss, boss.
Where are you, boss?

Oh, boss!

Runterlassen!

Hey, take it easy, you dope.

Hey! Das ist nicht
Dr. Farno.

Halten sie zurueck!

Oh!

Hey, skip.
Grab the other rope!

Let go of that rope.

Let go of that rope!

If I'd known I had to row,
I wouldn't have come.

She's innocent,
skip. She's innocent.

We were wrong all the time.

Where are we rowing to?

I don't know.

What's that over there?

That's the horizon.

Let's row to that,
it's better then nothing.

Hey, boss.
We've run out of water.

Hey, look.

Advance with your hands up.

Throw out the mine!
Throw out the mine!

Sure.
Hand it to me.

I'll throw it out.

Who are you?

Just a couple of tourists.

Hand over that mine.
Yes, sir. Here.

Say, you boys are Americans.

Sure.

This is an American sub.

John thurston, commander in charge.

Merton Kibble, author in distress.

Skipper Owens, taxpayer in arrears.

# With your eyes in the stars
of old glory #

# can I help
but be faithful to you? #

# Till we meet on the day
we're dreaming of #

# it's the last call
for love #

# it's the last call for love #

# ah #