Shevernatze un ángel corrupto (2007) - full transcript
Jonas Bargueño decides to drive in reverse from Madrid to Ávila to impress his ex-girlfriend. He travels through lonely roads, but the trip changes direction when he picks up a peculiar old man who forces him to continue.
Camera!
Rolling!
That's it, Javi
Clapperboard!
One-one, take one!
Get it out!
Madrid, June 20th, 2004
The track. Be careful
Do you think I cannot see it?
You sexist!
Hey, smoking is not allowed.
Don't touch me!
Look, please
Yeah?
It is not allowed to use the cell phone.
What? Did you say 5 Tyrolean girls?
But Romeo, with 5 Tyrolean girls I can't do a damned thing, can't you see it?
And you tell me this now, bollocks! We are shooting tonight!
Let the steering wheel go of, ok?
You took Bernard away, you took the shepherds away. And now, what?
Now, the Tyrolean girls?
This video is going to end up as load of crap! Bullshit!
That singer doesn't want to loose the 10 kilos of weigh I asked him to...
...what does that mean, uh?
Bollocks!
I don't care whether that clown is a legend!
I don't give a fuck about it! Do you understand?
I don't give a fuck about you and that clown! Do you really understand?
It was a Nokia 510...
Well, calm down, they are horrible machines anyway
Who hasn't thrown one out of the window sometime?
Come one, take it easy.
We'll change places and go to the driving school. Come on. Ok?
But why can't you wear the yellow garter belt I gave you?
Because I don't like it.
There's no better occasion than this.
Have you any idea of the amount of dough
I spend on this stuff...
...and yet you don't wear it?
And well, really, stop it.
I have to correct 30 exams.
I'll see what I wear, don't know,
whatever makes me feel more self-confident, ok? Come on
One moment, one moment.
I trust you, ok?
Okay.
What do we have to say if we have bad vibes?
Ice is what we need.
Again.
Ice is what we need. Ok? I must go.
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.
Yeah, come on
I'm fed up with being treated as a hysterical just because I'm woman!
GUINNESS RECORD
Maria, I have to talk to you.
Maria...
You don't know,
and I only just found out...
Listen to me.
There are only four of us Spaniards.
-Maria, can we talk?
-No.
Look...
"Jonas Bargueño Bermejo,
I.D. 51453424,
has been selected..."
I could be European champion.
Believe me now?
Come to Lisbon.
How hard could it be?
How hard?
You soppy parasite.
"How hard?", he says.
You took my money,
my best years,
my future,
and you gave me a limp.
Isn't that enough?
And my mom's money.
Where's my mom's money?
Where?
You're obsessed with this limp.
I'll end up believing you.
Good luck,
but I don't give a shit about
your world championship
or some Guinness record.
The snails, for example.
2,000 euros on snails...
Thanks.
And you never broke the record.
Will you stop rubbing
those snails in my face?
The judge fell asleep
and you know it.
And who cares now?
This time I've got a real chance.
If the plane crashes,
it's all over.
Then it's over.
These delusions of yours
are like farts,
they're intolerable!
Give me the amulet at least.
I don't know where it is now.
And forget the chain.
Why?
Because it's gold-plated.
Like that bald guy
who picks you up?
He's gold-plated too.
Who is he?
Okay, it's none of my business,
but I have a right to know.
He's a friend, I told you.
-You shagged him yet?
-No.
Jonas!
I'm going.
I came to wish you luck.
Thanks, Leonor.
When you're about to do
something big
it's nice that someone takes an interest.
-How's it going?
-Great. Brilliant.
They're making...
I mean, I'm making
a documentary on it.
A sponsor's paying for the fuel,
and yesterday I tested
the crab spin one last time.
The crab spin?
Yes, an acrobatic stunt I made up.
It's a first in
modern aviation history.
Must be dangerous, huh?
Yes, it's risky. Look...
Imagine you're flying
at medium altitude.
You lift the nose
and go to full throttle,
around 16,000 revs,
till you reach critical height:
the limits of the machine.
Danger!
You need balls
to keep the controls steady.
You're alone
and a bundle of nerves.
After a pause in gravity,
the plane goes backwards,
it's spinning, but in reverse
because I put counterweights
in the tail.
One light breeze
and it's all over.
But however lonely you feel,
with your head stuck up there...
How does it feel...
...to have your head
stuck up there?
Yes?
Penderling here. Exactly.
You must have it.
I paid for it. Yes, that one.
"Dogs of the World",
#14, "The Great Dane".
Why would I want that?
I have "The Cocker Spaniel",
I want this week's.
Yeah, okay. Bye.
Fucking assholes.
Jonas...
Bosses exist for
the good things and the bad,
sometimes they're good,
sometimes bad.
A boss has to face facts.
I don't need to tell you
how things are right now.
People have gone crazy.
They're into trucks, buses,
it's fucking mad.
Jose Luis rang today.
The fucker's got
15 more days off sick.
I've got nobody for C2.
So, Jonas, you can't go.
You can't go.
Don't be a pest this time.
-Look Penderling...
-Yes?
It's the European championship,
I've been training for a year.
I have to go.
Impossible.
I'm telling you as a friend.
It's a fucking mess,
so don't push it.
Listen...
Monday morning on the dot,
or you're out the door.
And you see Maria
only after 8.
What are you telling me?
It may sound hard,
but this time
I'm not shafting you.
Listen to me.
It's not a carnival show.
You can't do this shit to me.
The day you're the boss.
The day you're the boss.
Now get out.
Get out!
Who do you think you are?
Do you know the hours
and money I put in
to learn to fly like this?
Yes.
How hard can it be?
why would I want a lift-out
on the Great Dane in German?
Why in German?
You have no concern
for other people!
Goodbye!
THE IDEA
[Everything's ready,]
[the atmosphere electric.]
[Camacho, I'd say it's]
[a four-to-one crowd.]
[No, I think there are]
[more Spaniards than that.]
Jonas, not watching the match?
No, I'm driving to Avila
in reverse.
He's so obnoxious.
[-25% are ours, right?]
[-More or less, yes.]
[-One stand has no Spaniards.]
[-But another's all ours.]
[Let me check Algarve Stadium,]
[in Faro.]
[It's all ready.]
[Let's go down to the field.]
[Romero, how about Portugal,]
[our opponents?]
[The subs aren't out yet,]
[and "Go get 'em!" rings out]
[from the terraces.]
[The cameras are ready to]
[capture Figo coming on.]
[The Portuguese hug,]
[shake hands.]
[Figo with his friend,]
[the other Raul, "El Bravo".]
[The Portuguese go on first]
[and greet the Spanish.]
[Now the Spanish Selection]
[Spain in white...]
[Both teams now on the field.]
[Andres Frisck in black,]
[of course.]
[Spain in white,]
[Portugal in red,]
[with green shorts.]
[The mood is electric!]
[Figo leads the Portuguese.]
[Raul comes out.]
[Watching a blue Lisbon sky]
[he will lead the Spanish team,]
[all in white.]
[Here it is!]
[The Spanish National Anthem.]
[Oh my god, what a tackle!]
[What was that, Javi?]
[Good God!]
[Intercept and forward.]
[Vicente stops it,]
[Baraja touches it.]
[Pay attention!]
[How can Xavi Alonso throw in]
[when they're all coming up?]
[-Come on, Casillas!]
[-Put it out of bounds.]
[I would've brought up]
[the whole team.]
[End of the match.]
[Portugal classifies,]
[Spain is eliminated.]
[Farewell to another dream.]
[Goodbye European Cup.]
[We're out.]
[Because dreams are just dreams. ]
[Saez looking desolate,]
[like most of the Spanish team.]
[Helguera remorseful,]
[Torres "The Kid" almost in tears.]
SWINGERS
Shitty caravan.
In the photos it looked like
the Arabian Nights inside.
They look like lowlife.
The Barcelona people looked normal.
Didn't you say
he was too hairy?
You're selfish,
always getting your own way.
Please, let's not start.
Would your wife do this?
Don't bring up my poor wife,
leave her out of this.
You might as well get a whore.
Oh, fuck it.
I can't say anything to you.
It's not like I imagined.
Car coming!
-Why did you duck?
-Huh?
Why did you duck?
Because you did.
[Faithful listeners,]
[welcome to "Corrupt Angel"]
[on Radio Sincronia,]
[for lovers of knowledge]
[who sail the lonely ship]
[of the night as they work,]
[study, drive,]
[or simply enjoy]
[the warmth of our company]
[before falling into]
[peaceful slumber.]
Why don't you go in first?
Leo, you're repulsive.
Why are you so miffed now?
At least being a cripple
I can say what I think.
You're not a cripple, Maria!
You're not!
Everyone tells you,
and you know it!
That's not him, is it?
He's ugly as sin.
Give him time,
maybe he's nice.
If we get a bad feeling
we'll do the ice routine.
Remember?
"We need ice".
You told me 20 times.
So it's 21, "we need ice".
Hi, how are you?
-You here to see Nordim?
-Yes.
-You want a date?
-Sorry?
-You want a date?
-No, no. We should go.
[It's incredible the interest]
[that's been aroused by]
[last week's chat on Architeuthis,]
[the giant squid,]
[also incorrectly nicknamed]
[The Kraken.]
[We have a lot of mail]
[with questions we'll clarify]
[about this fascinating]
[giant cephalopod,]
[whose existence]
[no-one in their right mind]
[should question at this point.]
Shevernatze!
[We keep on answering.]
[In one email Lorena Mendiola]
[of Madrid asked us,]
["Is it true a giant squid's eye]
[can be as big as a basketball?"]
[Lorena, it has the largest]
[eyes in the animal kingdom,]
[reaching 25 cm. in diameter.]
[The squid is an animal....]
Good evening.
Good evening.
Where are you headed?
That way.
That way?
Yes, that way.
I'm going that way too.
Need a mechanic?
No, thanks.
I never want to
see that car again.
I'll get a bus in Las Navas.
I'm in reverse due to
mechanical failure too: the gears.
And since nobody
comes through here...
Sure.
So...
Do you want a ride?
No.
It's up to you.
It's either that or hoof it.
Alright.
[Perseus describes Medusa]
[as a female monster,]
[snakes protruding from her head,]
[and eyes of such terrible power]
[that whosoever looked upon her]
[was petrified.]
[We shall speak at length]
[about this marine animal,]
[but first, a musical interlude]
[from Carlos Mejia Godoy,]
["Sulibeyan".]
[It is your charming ways, woman,]
[that beguile me so.]
[They beguile me so,]
[It is your charming ways, woman,]
[It is your charming ways, woman,]
[that beguile me so.]
[They beguile me so,]
[your charming ways]
[Espididion Pichinche said...]
[the first in the forehead.]
-Do you like this song?
-Yes.
[...put me in a flutter.]
[They put me in a flutter,]
[your hummingbird eyes.]
Maria.
Leo.
Unless you prefer to dine
in a restaurant,
I suggest you enter
my humble caravan,
and we shall embark upon
an unforgettable journey.
This is Yandira.
She'll prepare some pipes for us.
Please sit, get comfortable.
Make yourself at home
You've got no luggage.
No, I'm going to
Avila Apostolic Savings Bank.
[It is believed to reproduce]
[like other squid,]
[though this not]
[scientifically certain.]
What's your name, sir?
Juan Angel Capellan.
Jonas Bargueño.
[All we know is]
[what has been found]
[from autopsies of dead squid.]
-Shall we cut the formality?
-Fine.
THE POULARD
I can't sleep, so every night
I listen to the radio.
2 a.m. is fable time.
Oh, yes.
What was yesterday's?
"The Monk and the Poulard".
It was a good one.
A monk had a poulard
he loved so much,
he shared his food with it.
But the poulard kept wanting more.
So he let it eat first
and only ate the leftovers.
It got fatter
and the monk got skinnier.
A poulard's like a quail, isn't it?
A bit bigger.
Anyway, it stuffed itself
and the monk starved.
But it never occurred to him
to eat it.
As he was about to die
they asked him:
"Look here, man of God,
is a poulard worth more
than your life?
Didn't you fatten it up to eat?"
And the monk says... damn!
It's a nice line,
it sounds Japanese.
"No!
And come before me he who
can assure me I am wrong".
Yes, that's it.
What do you think it means?
There's a poulard inside us all.
That's true.
I've never been a believer,
but in the end
there's no choice.
That's life for me.
Well, I mean, that's the way it is for me
Someone's pulling the strings
or they're not.
I'm inclined to say yes,
it's a bit fishy,
this whole shebang.
HELSINKI
What do you mean?
Like what just happened
with us, the poulard story.
Coincidence.
I'll give you a better example.
Imagine you go to Helsinki.
You walk into a restaurant,
and wham,
you meet your neighbor.
Coincidence.
Right?
Coincidence? No.
Someone has sent
your neighbor there,
for reasons unknown.
I call it "shevernatze".
Shevernatze is what pulls the strings,
sends the signs.
But if you see your neighbor
in Helsinki...
I mean, you have to know
how to read the signs.
Sure.
I've never seen a sign
and neither have
thousands of others.
Do you know why
I like that song?
It reminds me of my wife.
She was from Galicia.
She died with my three girls
in the flood of '94.
Holy shit. I am sorry Juan Angel
What I'm doing tomorrow
is really for her.
What are you going to do?
Our mortgage ends tomorrow,
for the house we bought
when we got married.
We always talked about
being together on that day.
Look, Juan Angel,
I have to confess something.
The car is fine.
I'm going to Avila in reverse...
because I feel like it.
Well, for a woman.
It's so stupid.
No, no.
When you're passionate about
doing something,
it means you're alive.
Every species is the same.
We males bust our guts
to impress the female.
Like that bird that puffs up his neck
like a beachball.
-Want me drive normally?
-No, no.
If you have to do it,
you have to do it.
Hey...
Sorry, I didn't realize
I was immortalizing this moment.
This car's been a headache.
Why Avila?
Why in reverse?
I dreamt I entered
the walls of Avila backwards
and thought that if it was
the first time anyone....
I don't know,
it was an impulse.
It's beautiful.
Avila...
It's like an ovum,
with you entering like a sperm,
to make a new life.
Ever dreamt of being famous?
-I was on TV once.
-Really?
Yes, in beauty contest.
You're shittin' me.
A long time ago?
No, about six months ago.
In the audience.
They paid 50 euros
and I had a close-up.
Do you live here?
I'm not from here,
or anywhere.
I own everything,
but have nothing.
ICE
Look, I'm quite frank.
I want you to leave here today
as different people.
I want you to be happy,
with myself as humble guide
on a mental journey
for the opening of the mind
to pleasure.
-Shall we?
-Yes.
MarÂa, what about the ice?
Just wait, okay?
What's this "Psychos"?
Psychophonies.
Do you want to hear it?
Pyschophonies? Okay.
[Psychophony 1,]
[sound amplified 7 times.]
It's odd, it's taped in Belgium,
but it's in Spanish.
Yes, but what did it say?
"Sit on the table again".
No, it's like,
"get away from the dough".
Oh, yes?
You might be right,
but listen to this one.
It's my favourite,
it's what I was just talking about.
It struck me because
it's a spiritualist session
with some American theologians.
The American asked,
"What does God expect of us?"
Wait for the reply.
[Shevernatze!]
Shevernatze!
Holy shit!
Hey, nutcase!
You can't brake like that!
Some guy was in front of me!
Must've been an animal.
It was a guy! Shit!
Bloody hell.
I need a drink.
Look at the wonders I have here.
Lord, what a variety.
Where'd you get them?
In Amsterdam.
Don't fondle them, Maria.
Where are you from, Nordim?
Do you know the desert?
Damascus, but I grew up
in Capri, Salamanca,
I studied in Zurich,
and now I'm here.
But the best thing
in my country...
Excuse me,
where are we going?
May I finish talking
about the desert?
You're wired, very wired.
-Enjoy!
-That's right, Leo, enjoy.
-But ice is important to me.
-You do go on about that ice.
You're tense, Leo,
and you're transmitting it.
What's wrong?
Maria's relaxed.
Maria's relaxed.
What is it?
"Ice" is some kind of code?
You want to go?
You're not relaxed?
I am, but I don't know
where we're going.
What are you after?
What?
I look at you and
behind you I see the Pope Wojtyla.
You come here for sex,
and you bring Wojtyla.
What's Wojtyla got to do with it?
Another glass of champagne?
I'm having one.
Let's get the ice bucket.
No Juan Angel
Thanks for the support,
I feel understood,
but I can't go on.
My neck aches, I'm sleepy
and I almost killed a guy.
It looked like an animal
but it was a man, I swear.
He was really fat.
Imagine if I'd killed
some poor guy.
I don't see why
you want me to go on.
Give me the car keys.
I've got something to do.
JonÂs is over the top.
In school he ate an ashtray
full of butts to impress me.
Who hasn't done that
for a woman?
Why does no-one
believe in your limp?
How did you find out?
The day we split up.
Jonas brought me breakfast in bed
and I discovered
I'd had a limp all my life.
The great poet Shaj Tabal said,
"Walking is insipid.
He who walks is fleeing.
Be still."
FIRE
Shit, have yourself a pipe.
Maria, I'm leaving!
Sorry, we're closing, okay?
[Jonas, sorry about leaving]
[without saying goodbye,]
[but I'm disappointed...]
[and I'm not staying]
[to watch you fall apart.]
[Look, I'm old]
[and I assure you that]
[life means waiting for death]
[unless you rebel.]
[It builds character,]
[it's a shot in the arm,]
[and sometimes a great feat,]
[like what you're doing,]
[can change your life forever.]
[You've got to fight.]
[If only this message]
[were one of those signs.]
[Fight, Jonas.]
[It's your "shevernatze"!]
Juan Angel, shit.
-You moved me.
-Hold it.
-Stay right there.
-What is it?
I have something to tell you.
THE MORTGAGE
Six months!
Just six months and one week
I didn't pay the mortgage!
Now they want to
take my house away!
I heard my inner voice too.
It told me loud and clear.
"Blow up the Apostolic Bank".
When they tell me,
"Place all metal objects
in the box",
it'll just be "boom!"
You and I are driving
to Avila in reverse!
What you hear, you must do.
It is written.
[Now on "All times Fables",]
[the poet Zarzabal]
[and his fable,]
[The Fox and the Lion.]
[Once there was a hungry lion,]
[and searching for food,]
[he asked a sheep]
[about the state of his breath.]
[The sheep responded truthfully]
PLAY IT LIKE A BLACKBIRD
[that it was very smelly.]
[The lion, feigning offence,]
[killed the sheep with]
[a blow to its head, saying...]
Do you why I think rich people...
...always invite a poor man
to their parties?
Never mind.
[...if his breath was alright.]
[The goat, seeing his reaction]
[to the sheep's reply,]
[answered that his breath]
[was wonderful...]
Chick peas,
I'll miss them.
My whole childhood
it was chick peas.
Always chick peas for lunch.
From when my teeth came
to when I was 18
and I went to the city,
it was always chick peas.
365 days...
times 18 years,
that's a lot of chick peas.
But I still have
the taste for them.
I like them as much as ever.
And all the legumes.
A good plate of them
and you can forget the meat.
[The moral of the fox...]
My mother...
[This lovely fable by Zarzabal]
[from the 7th century...]
One second, please.
I swear, then we'll carry on.
I'll stop for one second,
one second.
We'll get going in a second.
Juan Angel...
Look...
I'm grateful for
what you're doing for me.
Thanks to you I'm seeing
this thing to the end.
I just want to say,
with you in mind...
Do we have to take this along?
You're making me mad!
Be consistent!
[Scurvy manifests itself]
[in fatigue, weakness,]
[inflamed, bleeding gums...]
Take that look off your face.
If not for me, you'd be...
getting drunk,
like some cheap piano player.
[Hemorrhagic grooves]
[under the nails]
[or subperiostic hemorrhages.]
[Slow healing of wounds.]
[Anemia.]
[A victim of scurvy]
[with these symptoms...]
My uncle manufactures
egg yolk cakes in Avila.
I can get you some money.
Quite a bit.
[Though scurvy is]
[a relatively rare disease,]
[inflamation and bleeding]
[of the gums...]
How much?
I don't know...
3,000?
4,000?
You dare to sell yourself
for such a pittance
We should put an end
to it right now!
Juan Angel...
Sorry
[Scurvy is a clinical pattern]
[due to the decrease]
[or deficiency of vitamin C.]
[One needs 60 mg.]
[of vitamin C per day,]
Sorry, these things happen.
BOMB
[Dr. Marrazo should be with us]
[to talk about scurvy,]
[the subject of this week's chat,]
[but he hasn't turned up]
[and doesn't answer his phone.]
[What can you do?]
[We'll answer the last email]
[on the giant squid.]
[Rocio Campoamor of Madrid]
[asks about the Kraken,]
[where animal ends]
[and monster begins.]
[Rocio, the Kraken is a myth,]
[not reality.]
[Calling the Kraken a squid]
[is like calling King Kong...]
Good evening.
15 euros of 95.
[...a link between the Kraken]
[and the Catholic religion.]
[In 1755, Pontoppidan,]
[Bishop of Bergen, Norway,]
[wrote of floating islands]
[in the North Sea that]
[appeared and disappeared,]
[undoubtedly "krakens".]
[The back of an adult kraken]
[was 2.5 Km. long.]
[Due to the hump]
[on its backbone]
[and tentacles that floated]
[like wafting seaweed,]
[it was confused with]
[a normal-sized island.]
[The Bishop of Midaros]
[planted an altar on a rock]
BOMB
[He didn't know he was on]
[the back of a kraken.]
[The beast waited respectfully]
[for the bishop to finish,]
[then calmly slipped down]
[into the water and vanished.]
[But modern skepticism]
[does not admit]
[the existence of krakens...]
This girl's taking her time.
[...to the confussion of visionaries.]
[But...]
[Who know what lies]
[in the depths of the seas?]
[Perhaps, as Tennyson wrote,]
["Below the thunders]
[of the upper deep,]
[Far, far beneath]
[in the abysmal sea,]
[His ancient, dreamless,]
[uninvaded sleep,]
[The Kraken sleeps."]
[We say goodbye now]
[with a classic by Nat "King" Cole.]
God damn your Renault 12
and the bloody crab spin!
What the fuck am I doing here?
Fuck the moment I met you...
Oh, fuck!
[Listeners, it's been a pleasure...]
I have to stop.
I pulled my neck!
It can't be that bad.
Be a man and keep going.
I fucking can't!
I'm pulling over.
Oh, fuck! I can't.
Okay, but we have to
change places.
Nobody gets out.
So what the hell do we do?
Alright, come on.
Shit.
Careful, careful...
Be careful, shit!
Careful? You be careful!
-Gently...
-More...
-Come on.
-You move it!
That's that.
Come on.
[... this great family,]
Now take over.
[...love for the research]
Wait a sec.
[I do from home,]
[Love for the song selection]
[for each program...]
Come on, for fuck's sake.
Now we're in a hurry?
[...wishing you peace...]
I can't like that,
move this forward.
[Until tomorrow.]
-Further?
-Forward, forward!
Help! Stop!
Help! Stop!
Help!
Help! Help!
Stop! Stop!
Help!
THE CRIPPLE
Jonas?
Jonas!
Jonas!
Who was that girl?
I don't know.
You don't?
She called out your name!
-It's Maria.
-Maria?
-Maria?
-Yes.
This is a coincidence,
we can't deny that.
Go back!
Are you complete idiot?
Are you a complete idiot?
What are you doing?
Open the door!
Open up!
There's a killer out there!
A total psycho!
A psycho!
I don't want to
see you ever again!
I swear to God!
We have to get the police.
A phone!
Give me a phone.
Give it to me! Fuck!
What are you doing,
dressed like a whore?
On the roadside, like a whore!
And you?
Why are you in reverse?
He's got a bomb,
he's forcing me to go to Avila.
Really, will you tell me?
It's another stupid
Guinness thing, isn't it?
Exactly.
THE BALD GUY
Hey!
Buddy!
My friends!
Stop!
Stop!
My friends...
Call the police.
Someone tried to burn me.
Maria!
What are you doing here?
Someone
trying to burn you
doesn't make you
the centre of the universe.
-Get out of the car!
-Get the fuck out!
Out of the car!
I said get out, fuck you!
You animal!
Are you going to Peralejo?
Let's move it.
Stop right there!
This isn't a bus
or a paddy wagon.
Evening, everyone!
Maria, are you okay?
Norberto, give me your seat.
Come on, let's go.
What are you doing?
No way! Forget it!
Don't worry, Norberto,
I'll make it up to you.
A stroll is just the thing
for a fit young man like you.
THE SHOOTING
Cut!
- Bloody awful. Fucking hell.
- We ain't repeating it
nor once neither twice but 10 times
Action, my ass.
I haven't been so bored in ages.
Yeah, the false security
of the paycheck...
Like a chug?
No, I'm into Loctite
or paint stripper.
Varnish reminds me of bones.
What bones?
- I told you a thousand times.
-No, not me.
Yes, my brother was studying Medicine
and my dad got him a corpse
for 15,000 pesetas
from a corrupt gravedigger.
Fuck. A corpse?
It was in two bags
and weighed a ton
with all that flesh still on it.
-You're winding me up.
-I swear.
My mom chopped it up
and boiled it in a spaghetti pot,
one of those tall ones.
She peeled the bones with a knife.
That sucks, the poor guy
ending up like that.
No, it was a woman,
I varnished the bones.
She had a pretty coccyx,
really pretty.
Really pretty.
What's the strongest stuff
you ever tried?
Me?
Xyladecor, white matte.
Fuck. Stronger than
SuperRemover Universal 3V3?
-The non-drip one?
-Yeah.
It's not bad, but I get
the munchies, it's a bummer.
Do you watch "D.I.Y"?
Why?
Yesterday they had a special
on Bruguer Acrylic.
I recommend it.
That show's my Bible.
Sunday afternoons I sit down,
open a can of tuna...
Yeah, I watch it when I can.
At home they think
I'm a carpentry freak.
I always tape "D.I.Y. Tips".
Yeah, "Tips" is heavy duty.
But do you know
what the strongest of all is?
No.
Cannisters of riot gas.
It's like...
You've tried it?
No, just kidding.
What an exciting day!
My old caravan is burnt down,
and now I'm going in reverse
to who knows where.
May I ask why we're in reverse?
If everyone has to ask that,
then this is all going wrong!
I can't see a thing
with that arm there!
Not a fucking thing!
Aren't you going to do anything?
It's impossible like that!
There's another girl on the road.
She's a hooker,
her brothel's not far.
Yeah, that's enough stops.
Why the long faces?
It's all over.
I know a spa in Avila.
You're all invited!
We'll drive there in reverse
and have seaweed baths.
Original, eh?
Maria, what a way
to meet each other.
You're even prettier
when you look worried.
I haven't seen my house
in Capri in two years.
We could spend a few days there.
You can come too, Leo.
Will you duck down
and shut the fuck up?
You see, my friend?
I know it's fun driving in reverse,
but shouldn't you take a break?
Jonas, I beg you...
So, let me explain
How do you know each other?
Forget it, Jonas.
Did you know...
there are 20 different oils
for massaging the neck.
Are you hungry?
In the spa they have the best
Galician-style octopus,
after Syria, that is.
If it's Galician-style,
the best must be there,
seeing how it was invented
in Galicia.
I don't want to make you
look ignorant,
but when Galicians were painting
mammoths on walls,
Syrians already had octopus
with potatoes and paprika.
That's total bullshit!
The best octopus is in Lugo,
Orense, Pontevedra,
or anywhere in Spain!
And in Syria in the period
you talked about,
the potato didn't even exist.
It's not just octopus.
Lentils,
rice, even pepitoria!
Ancient Syria
and Arabia
already had true delicacies.
Then why not stay there
if the food's so good?
Why come here
and bust our balls?
For the women, my friend,
the women.
They're much more fiery.
Everybody keep calm.
-Good evening.
-Good evening.
You know can't drive in reverse
down a local highway?
Playing the hooligan driver
at your age...
Papers and registration, please.
We're sorry. You surprised us.
There is an explanation.
Something came up.
It's engine trouble.
Circumstances forced us
to take this route
and in this form of...
We meant no harm
and used all safety measures.
Make an exception, please.
Papers.
Your papers, please.
Me?
Get out of the car
and remain calm.
This vehicle is going nowhere.
Wait here.
Let's go.
-But why?
-Move it.
Look here. Just as well...
Heidi is Heidi!
Heidi is the essence, get it?
Heidi did the work,
she milked the cows
while her granddad
smoked his pipe, asshole!
He's buttering them up.
Fuck. Fuck.
I think it's time
for a decoy maneouvre.
THE BLACKBIRD
It's the first gift
my wife ever gave me.
I promised her I'd never
tell anyone about the blackbird.
She might be mad at me
about the mortgage,
but she'll be happy that,
thanks to me,
you've changed your life.
I only ask you one thing.
Don't give up.
Juan Angel.
Juan Angel!
Juan Angel!
Wait!
I'm not the pyromaniac.
Shut up!
Don't you know kids love
trees and birds?
We need our trees
and you just burn them.
-What birds?
-Shut up.
-What trees?
-Will you shut up!
Kids...
Kids love trees...
Listen to my partner!
That man... He's got a bomb!
Bomb my ass! Listen to him!
Shit, he's got a bomb!
He's got a bomb!
He's going to blow us all up.
Get rid of the retard
with the board!
You sexist!
I'm directing this video!
I'm the director!
Jonas.
Jonas...
What are you going to do?
Maria!
Maria, are you alright?
Yes?
Don't worry. It's fine.
Nordim fix it, eh?
Nordim fix it.
I think we should
get out of here.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Maria, what's wrong?
-Do you know who he was?
-No.
-The one who ate the butts.
-Really?
Maria, for God's sake,
call Ricardo.
We'll go where you like,
but let's just go.
Maria!
Not today.
Maria! Call Ricardo!
Do you know what it means...
...when my brother-in-law
immobilizes a car?
Do you know what it means...
...when my brother-in-law
immobilizes a car?
It's like the word of God.
Are you going to Church?
When was the last time
you even got up early?
Sir! Sir! Come here!
This truck has to reach Avila
in reverse.
I've got dollars and euros.
I don't mind the currency.
Come on, the cash.
Tonight I feel like breaking
a Guinness record.
Maria! Did you call Ricardo?
Call Ricardo, for God's sake!
Maria!
Okay, dipped headlights,
high beam, windscreen,
emergency brakes,
speed reduction...
Just one thing,
when you get to Avila,
park it properly, please.
Don't you worry.
Drive carefully, wisely.
This isn't a car.
Can I ask a personal question?
Go ahead.
What the sense in
driving in reverse?
As much as if one day you and I
met each other in Helsinki.
Sure thing.
Got a cigarette?
Careful, I've got a gun
in the glovebox.
That god-damn slut.
Bloody hell!
FATHER POLVOROSA
Father, you dyed your hair.
My name is Nordim.
I am a Syrian citizen.
You mistake me for someone.
In Syria, it is custom:
full moon, mustache,
other nights, no mustache.
Father Polvorosa,
I'm Emiliano Floreta.
I signed a mortgage
with you for a warehouse,
with the Apostolic Bank.
A warehouse near Peralejo.
What a crazy night.
Now you take me for a priest.
It's a bit late
to be hanging around.
-Let's start walking.
-Alright with me.
Avila's not far,
and I know a terrific spa.
My friend, do you have
a wife? A lover?
What the hell do you care?
You don't ask
that kind of thing, Father.
Right. Is your wife pretty?
Of course,
or I wouldn't be with her.
My friend, how lucky you are.
See? I don't limp anymore.
Subtitling:
Mario Gomez - FilmBakers S.L.
Just a sec, please...
We would like to ask a minute of attention
to those of you who liked this movie
We appeal to your heart by saying
we don't have a single cent for the promotion
and without it we don't exist
as you're all well aware of
So if tomorrow there was nobody on this theater
to see the movie
it won't be screened the day after
so that's why we're begging for your
urgent endorsement if you liked it
and were planning to do so.
We depend on word of mouth.
You guys are our promotion.
We trust you
When the movie will be out of the...
I mean, so if tomorrow...
So if you like it, please have no doubt...
...no fear...
...no... no doubt
Did I say doubt?
...to watch the movie...
...you know this business is so hard...
My friend Pablo (the director) had a lot of problems...
Really, if you liked it just a little bit,
please recommend it.
Because... this film rocks!
Pablo, during this time,
the credits are here, right?
So I'm talking but the audience is not watching the credits...
If all the crew were working
for love of art...
...aren't they appreciated at the end?
Rolling!
That's it, Javi
Clapperboard!
One-one, take one!
Get it out!
Madrid, June 20th, 2004
The track. Be careful
Do you think I cannot see it?
You sexist!
Hey, smoking is not allowed.
Don't touch me!
Look, please
Yeah?
It is not allowed to use the cell phone.
What? Did you say 5 Tyrolean girls?
But Romeo, with 5 Tyrolean girls I can't do a damned thing, can't you see it?
And you tell me this now, bollocks! We are shooting tonight!
Let the steering wheel go of, ok?
You took Bernard away, you took the shepherds away. And now, what?
Now, the Tyrolean girls?
This video is going to end up as load of crap! Bullshit!
That singer doesn't want to loose the 10 kilos of weigh I asked him to...
...what does that mean, uh?
Bollocks!
I don't care whether that clown is a legend!
I don't give a fuck about it! Do you understand?
I don't give a fuck about you and that clown! Do you really understand?
It was a Nokia 510...
Well, calm down, they are horrible machines anyway
Who hasn't thrown one out of the window sometime?
Come one, take it easy.
We'll change places and go to the driving school. Come on. Ok?
But why can't you wear the yellow garter belt I gave you?
Because I don't like it.
There's no better occasion than this.
Have you any idea of the amount of dough
I spend on this stuff...
...and yet you don't wear it?
And well, really, stop it.
I have to correct 30 exams.
I'll see what I wear, don't know,
whatever makes me feel more self-confident, ok? Come on
One moment, one moment.
I trust you, ok?
Okay.
What do we have to say if we have bad vibes?
Ice is what we need.
Again.
Ice is what we need. Ok? I must go.
Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.
Yeah, come on
I'm fed up with being treated as a hysterical just because I'm woman!
GUINNESS RECORD
Maria, I have to talk to you.
Maria...
You don't know,
and I only just found out...
Listen to me.
There are only four of us Spaniards.
-Maria, can we talk?
-No.
Look...
"Jonas Bargueño Bermejo,
I.D. 51453424,
has been selected..."
I could be European champion.
Believe me now?
Come to Lisbon.
How hard could it be?
How hard?
You soppy parasite.
"How hard?", he says.
You took my money,
my best years,
my future,
and you gave me a limp.
Isn't that enough?
And my mom's money.
Where's my mom's money?
Where?
You're obsessed with this limp.
I'll end up believing you.
Good luck,
but I don't give a shit about
your world championship
or some Guinness record.
The snails, for example.
2,000 euros on snails...
Thanks.
And you never broke the record.
Will you stop rubbing
those snails in my face?
The judge fell asleep
and you know it.
And who cares now?
This time I've got a real chance.
If the plane crashes,
it's all over.
Then it's over.
These delusions of yours
are like farts,
they're intolerable!
Give me the amulet at least.
I don't know where it is now.
And forget the chain.
Why?
Because it's gold-plated.
Like that bald guy
who picks you up?
He's gold-plated too.
Who is he?
Okay, it's none of my business,
but I have a right to know.
He's a friend, I told you.
-You shagged him yet?
-No.
Jonas!
I'm going.
I came to wish you luck.
Thanks, Leonor.
When you're about to do
something big
it's nice that someone takes an interest.
-How's it going?
-Great. Brilliant.
They're making...
I mean, I'm making
a documentary on it.
A sponsor's paying for the fuel,
and yesterday I tested
the crab spin one last time.
The crab spin?
Yes, an acrobatic stunt I made up.
It's a first in
modern aviation history.
Must be dangerous, huh?
Yes, it's risky. Look...
Imagine you're flying
at medium altitude.
You lift the nose
and go to full throttle,
around 16,000 revs,
till you reach critical height:
the limits of the machine.
Danger!
You need balls
to keep the controls steady.
You're alone
and a bundle of nerves.
After a pause in gravity,
the plane goes backwards,
it's spinning, but in reverse
because I put counterweights
in the tail.
One light breeze
and it's all over.
But however lonely you feel,
with your head stuck up there...
How does it feel...
...to have your head
stuck up there?
Yes?
Penderling here. Exactly.
You must have it.
I paid for it. Yes, that one.
"Dogs of the World",
#14, "The Great Dane".
Why would I want that?
I have "The Cocker Spaniel",
I want this week's.
Yeah, okay. Bye.
Fucking assholes.
Jonas...
Bosses exist for
the good things and the bad,
sometimes they're good,
sometimes bad.
A boss has to face facts.
I don't need to tell you
how things are right now.
People have gone crazy.
They're into trucks, buses,
it's fucking mad.
Jose Luis rang today.
The fucker's got
15 more days off sick.
I've got nobody for C2.
So, Jonas, you can't go.
You can't go.
Don't be a pest this time.
-Look Penderling...
-Yes?
It's the European championship,
I've been training for a year.
I have to go.
Impossible.
I'm telling you as a friend.
It's a fucking mess,
so don't push it.
Listen...
Monday morning on the dot,
or you're out the door.
And you see Maria
only after 8.
What are you telling me?
It may sound hard,
but this time
I'm not shafting you.
Listen to me.
It's not a carnival show.
You can't do this shit to me.
The day you're the boss.
The day you're the boss.
Now get out.
Get out!
Who do you think you are?
Do you know the hours
and money I put in
to learn to fly like this?
Yes.
How hard can it be?
why would I want a lift-out
on the Great Dane in German?
Why in German?
You have no concern
for other people!
Goodbye!
THE IDEA
[Everything's ready,]
[the atmosphere electric.]
[Camacho, I'd say it's]
[a four-to-one crowd.]
[No, I think there are]
[more Spaniards than that.]
Jonas, not watching the match?
No, I'm driving to Avila
in reverse.
He's so obnoxious.
[-25% are ours, right?]
[-More or less, yes.]
[-One stand has no Spaniards.]
[-But another's all ours.]
[Let me check Algarve Stadium,]
[in Faro.]
[It's all ready.]
[Let's go down to the field.]
[Romero, how about Portugal,]
[our opponents?]
[The subs aren't out yet,]
[and "Go get 'em!" rings out]
[from the terraces.]
[The cameras are ready to]
[capture Figo coming on.]
[The Portuguese hug,]
[shake hands.]
[Figo with his friend,]
[the other Raul, "El Bravo".]
[The Portuguese go on first]
[and greet the Spanish.]
[Now the Spanish Selection]
[Spain in white...]
[Both teams now on the field.]
[Andres Frisck in black,]
[of course.]
[Spain in white,]
[Portugal in red,]
[with green shorts.]
[The mood is electric!]
[Figo leads the Portuguese.]
[Raul comes out.]
[Watching a blue Lisbon sky]
[he will lead the Spanish team,]
[all in white.]
[Here it is!]
[The Spanish National Anthem.]
[Oh my god, what a tackle!]
[What was that, Javi?]
[Good God!]
[Intercept and forward.]
[Vicente stops it,]
[Baraja touches it.]
[Pay attention!]
[How can Xavi Alonso throw in]
[when they're all coming up?]
[-Come on, Casillas!]
[-Put it out of bounds.]
[I would've brought up]
[the whole team.]
[End of the match.]
[Portugal classifies,]
[Spain is eliminated.]
[Farewell to another dream.]
[Goodbye European Cup.]
[We're out.]
[Because dreams are just dreams. ]
[Saez looking desolate,]
[like most of the Spanish team.]
[Helguera remorseful,]
[Torres "The Kid" almost in tears.]
SWINGERS
Shitty caravan.
In the photos it looked like
the Arabian Nights inside.
They look like lowlife.
The Barcelona people looked normal.
Didn't you say
he was too hairy?
You're selfish,
always getting your own way.
Please, let's not start.
Would your wife do this?
Don't bring up my poor wife,
leave her out of this.
You might as well get a whore.
Oh, fuck it.
I can't say anything to you.
It's not like I imagined.
Car coming!
-Why did you duck?
-Huh?
Why did you duck?
Because you did.
[Faithful listeners,]
[welcome to "Corrupt Angel"]
[on Radio Sincronia,]
[for lovers of knowledge]
[who sail the lonely ship]
[of the night as they work,]
[study, drive,]
[or simply enjoy]
[the warmth of our company]
[before falling into]
[peaceful slumber.]
Why don't you go in first?
Leo, you're repulsive.
Why are you so miffed now?
At least being a cripple
I can say what I think.
You're not a cripple, Maria!
You're not!
Everyone tells you,
and you know it!
That's not him, is it?
He's ugly as sin.
Give him time,
maybe he's nice.
If we get a bad feeling
we'll do the ice routine.
Remember?
"We need ice".
You told me 20 times.
So it's 21, "we need ice".
Hi, how are you?
-You here to see Nordim?
-Yes.
-You want a date?
-Sorry?
-You want a date?
-No, no. We should go.
[It's incredible the interest]
[that's been aroused by]
[last week's chat on Architeuthis,]
[the giant squid,]
[also incorrectly nicknamed]
[The Kraken.]
[We have a lot of mail]
[with questions we'll clarify]
[about this fascinating]
[giant cephalopod,]
[whose existence]
[no-one in their right mind]
[should question at this point.]
Shevernatze!
[We keep on answering.]
[In one email Lorena Mendiola]
[of Madrid asked us,]
["Is it true a giant squid's eye]
[can be as big as a basketball?"]
[Lorena, it has the largest]
[eyes in the animal kingdom,]
[reaching 25 cm. in diameter.]
[The squid is an animal....]
Good evening.
Good evening.
Where are you headed?
That way.
That way?
Yes, that way.
I'm going that way too.
Need a mechanic?
No, thanks.
I never want to
see that car again.
I'll get a bus in Las Navas.
I'm in reverse due to
mechanical failure too: the gears.
And since nobody
comes through here...
Sure.
So...
Do you want a ride?
No.
It's up to you.
It's either that or hoof it.
Alright.
[Perseus describes Medusa]
[as a female monster,]
[snakes protruding from her head,]
[and eyes of such terrible power]
[that whosoever looked upon her]
[was petrified.]
[We shall speak at length]
[about this marine animal,]
[but first, a musical interlude]
[from Carlos Mejia Godoy,]
["Sulibeyan".]
[It is your charming ways, woman,]
[that beguile me so.]
[They beguile me so,]
[It is your charming ways, woman,]
[It is your charming ways, woman,]
[that beguile me so.]
[They beguile me so,]
[your charming ways]
[Espididion Pichinche said...]
[the first in the forehead.]
-Do you like this song?
-Yes.
[...put me in a flutter.]
[They put me in a flutter,]
[your hummingbird eyes.]
Maria.
Leo.
Unless you prefer to dine
in a restaurant,
I suggest you enter
my humble caravan,
and we shall embark upon
an unforgettable journey.
This is Yandira.
She'll prepare some pipes for us.
Please sit, get comfortable.
Make yourself at home
You've got no luggage.
No, I'm going to
Avila Apostolic Savings Bank.
[It is believed to reproduce]
[like other squid,]
[though this not]
[scientifically certain.]
What's your name, sir?
Juan Angel Capellan.
Jonas Bargueño.
[All we know is]
[what has been found]
[from autopsies of dead squid.]
-Shall we cut the formality?
-Fine.
THE POULARD
I can't sleep, so every night
I listen to the radio.
2 a.m. is fable time.
Oh, yes.
What was yesterday's?
"The Monk and the Poulard".
It was a good one.
A monk had a poulard
he loved so much,
he shared his food with it.
But the poulard kept wanting more.
So he let it eat first
and only ate the leftovers.
It got fatter
and the monk got skinnier.
A poulard's like a quail, isn't it?
A bit bigger.
Anyway, it stuffed itself
and the monk starved.
But it never occurred to him
to eat it.
As he was about to die
they asked him:
"Look here, man of God,
is a poulard worth more
than your life?
Didn't you fatten it up to eat?"
And the monk says... damn!
It's a nice line,
it sounds Japanese.
"No!
And come before me he who
can assure me I am wrong".
Yes, that's it.
What do you think it means?
There's a poulard inside us all.
That's true.
I've never been a believer,
but in the end
there's no choice.
That's life for me.
Well, I mean, that's the way it is for me
Someone's pulling the strings
or they're not.
I'm inclined to say yes,
it's a bit fishy,
this whole shebang.
HELSINKI
What do you mean?
Like what just happened
with us, the poulard story.
Coincidence.
I'll give you a better example.
Imagine you go to Helsinki.
You walk into a restaurant,
and wham,
you meet your neighbor.
Coincidence.
Right?
Coincidence? No.
Someone has sent
your neighbor there,
for reasons unknown.
I call it "shevernatze".
Shevernatze is what pulls the strings,
sends the signs.
But if you see your neighbor
in Helsinki...
I mean, you have to know
how to read the signs.
Sure.
I've never seen a sign
and neither have
thousands of others.
Do you know why
I like that song?
It reminds me of my wife.
She was from Galicia.
She died with my three girls
in the flood of '94.
Holy shit. I am sorry Juan Angel
What I'm doing tomorrow
is really for her.
What are you going to do?
Our mortgage ends tomorrow,
for the house we bought
when we got married.
We always talked about
being together on that day.
Look, Juan Angel,
I have to confess something.
The car is fine.
I'm going to Avila in reverse...
because I feel like it.
Well, for a woman.
It's so stupid.
No, no.
When you're passionate about
doing something,
it means you're alive.
Every species is the same.
We males bust our guts
to impress the female.
Like that bird that puffs up his neck
like a beachball.
-Want me drive normally?
-No, no.
If you have to do it,
you have to do it.
Hey...
Sorry, I didn't realize
I was immortalizing this moment.
This car's been a headache.
Why Avila?
Why in reverse?
I dreamt I entered
the walls of Avila backwards
and thought that if it was
the first time anyone....
I don't know,
it was an impulse.
It's beautiful.
Avila...
It's like an ovum,
with you entering like a sperm,
to make a new life.
Ever dreamt of being famous?
-I was on TV once.
-Really?
Yes, in beauty contest.
You're shittin' me.
A long time ago?
No, about six months ago.
In the audience.
They paid 50 euros
and I had a close-up.
Do you live here?
I'm not from here,
or anywhere.
I own everything,
but have nothing.
ICE
Look, I'm quite frank.
I want you to leave here today
as different people.
I want you to be happy,
with myself as humble guide
on a mental journey
for the opening of the mind
to pleasure.
-Shall we?
-Yes.
MarÂa, what about the ice?
Just wait, okay?
What's this "Psychos"?
Psychophonies.
Do you want to hear it?
Pyschophonies? Okay.
[Psychophony 1,]
[sound amplified 7 times.]
It's odd, it's taped in Belgium,
but it's in Spanish.
Yes, but what did it say?
"Sit on the table again".
No, it's like,
"get away from the dough".
Oh, yes?
You might be right,
but listen to this one.
It's my favourite,
it's what I was just talking about.
It struck me because
it's a spiritualist session
with some American theologians.
The American asked,
"What does God expect of us?"
Wait for the reply.
[Shevernatze!]
Shevernatze!
Holy shit!
Hey, nutcase!
You can't brake like that!
Some guy was in front of me!
Must've been an animal.
It was a guy! Shit!
Bloody hell.
I need a drink.
Look at the wonders I have here.
Lord, what a variety.
Where'd you get them?
In Amsterdam.
Don't fondle them, Maria.
Where are you from, Nordim?
Do you know the desert?
Damascus, but I grew up
in Capri, Salamanca,
I studied in Zurich,
and now I'm here.
But the best thing
in my country...
Excuse me,
where are we going?
May I finish talking
about the desert?
You're wired, very wired.
-Enjoy!
-That's right, Leo, enjoy.
-But ice is important to me.
-You do go on about that ice.
You're tense, Leo,
and you're transmitting it.
What's wrong?
Maria's relaxed.
Maria's relaxed.
What is it?
"Ice" is some kind of code?
You want to go?
You're not relaxed?
I am, but I don't know
where we're going.
What are you after?
What?
I look at you and
behind you I see the Pope Wojtyla.
You come here for sex,
and you bring Wojtyla.
What's Wojtyla got to do with it?
Another glass of champagne?
I'm having one.
Let's get the ice bucket.
No Juan Angel
Thanks for the support,
I feel understood,
but I can't go on.
My neck aches, I'm sleepy
and I almost killed a guy.
It looked like an animal
but it was a man, I swear.
He was really fat.
Imagine if I'd killed
some poor guy.
I don't see why
you want me to go on.
Give me the car keys.
I've got something to do.
JonÂs is over the top.
In school he ate an ashtray
full of butts to impress me.
Who hasn't done that
for a woman?
Why does no-one
believe in your limp?
How did you find out?
The day we split up.
Jonas brought me breakfast in bed
and I discovered
I'd had a limp all my life.
The great poet Shaj Tabal said,
"Walking is insipid.
He who walks is fleeing.
Be still."
FIRE
Shit, have yourself a pipe.
Maria, I'm leaving!
Sorry, we're closing, okay?
[Jonas, sorry about leaving]
[without saying goodbye,]
[but I'm disappointed...]
[and I'm not staying]
[to watch you fall apart.]
[Look, I'm old]
[and I assure you that]
[life means waiting for death]
[unless you rebel.]
[It builds character,]
[it's a shot in the arm,]
[and sometimes a great feat,]
[like what you're doing,]
[can change your life forever.]
[You've got to fight.]
[If only this message]
[were one of those signs.]
[Fight, Jonas.]
[It's your "shevernatze"!]
Juan Angel, shit.
-You moved me.
-Hold it.
-Stay right there.
-What is it?
I have something to tell you.
THE MORTGAGE
Six months!
Just six months and one week
I didn't pay the mortgage!
Now they want to
take my house away!
I heard my inner voice too.
It told me loud and clear.
"Blow up the Apostolic Bank".
When they tell me,
"Place all metal objects
in the box",
it'll just be "boom!"
You and I are driving
to Avila in reverse!
What you hear, you must do.
It is written.
[Now on "All times Fables",]
[the poet Zarzabal]
[and his fable,]
[The Fox and the Lion.]
[Once there was a hungry lion,]
[and searching for food,]
[he asked a sheep]
[about the state of his breath.]
[The sheep responded truthfully]
PLAY IT LIKE A BLACKBIRD
[that it was very smelly.]
[The lion, feigning offence,]
[killed the sheep with]
[a blow to its head, saying...]
Do you why I think rich people...
...always invite a poor man
to their parties?
Never mind.
[...if his breath was alright.]
[The goat, seeing his reaction]
[to the sheep's reply,]
[answered that his breath]
[was wonderful...]
Chick peas,
I'll miss them.
My whole childhood
it was chick peas.
Always chick peas for lunch.
From when my teeth came
to when I was 18
and I went to the city,
it was always chick peas.
365 days...
times 18 years,
that's a lot of chick peas.
But I still have
the taste for them.
I like them as much as ever.
And all the legumes.
A good plate of them
and you can forget the meat.
[The moral of the fox...]
My mother...
[This lovely fable by Zarzabal]
[from the 7th century...]
One second, please.
I swear, then we'll carry on.
I'll stop for one second,
one second.
We'll get going in a second.
Juan Angel...
Look...
I'm grateful for
what you're doing for me.
Thanks to you I'm seeing
this thing to the end.
I just want to say,
with you in mind...
Do we have to take this along?
You're making me mad!
Be consistent!
[Scurvy manifests itself]
[in fatigue, weakness,]
[inflamed, bleeding gums...]
Take that look off your face.
If not for me, you'd be...
getting drunk,
like some cheap piano player.
[Hemorrhagic grooves]
[under the nails]
[or subperiostic hemorrhages.]
[Slow healing of wounds.]
[Anemia.]
[A victim of scurvy]
[with these symptoms...]
My uncle manufactures
egg yolk cakes in Avila.
I can get you some money.
Quite a bit.
[Though scurvy is]
[a relatively rare disease,]
[inflamation and bleeding]
[of the gums...]
How much?
I don't know...
3,000?
4,000?
You dare to sell yourself
for such a pittance
We should put an end
to it right now!
Juan Angel...
Sorry
[Scurvy is a clinical pattern]
[due to the decrease]
[or deficiency of vitamin C.]
[One needs 60 mg.]
[of vitamin C per day,]
Sorry, these things happen.
BOMB
[Dr. Marrazo should be with us]
[to talk about scurvy,]
[the subject of this week's chat,]
[but he hasn't turned up]
[and doesn't answer his phone.]
[What can you do?]
[We'll answer the last email]
[on the giant squid.]
[Rocio Campoamor of Madrid]
[asks about the Kraken,]
[where animal ends]
[and monster begins.]
[Rocio, the Kraken is a myth,]
[not reality.]
[Calling the Kraken a squid]
[is like calling King Kong...]
Good evening.
15 euros of 95.
[...a link between the Kraken]
[and the Catholic religion.]
[In 1755, Pontoppidan,]
[Bishop of Bergen, Norway,]
[wrote of floating islands]
[in the North Sea that]
[appeared and disappeared,]
[undoubtedly "krakens".]
[The back of an adult kraken]
[was 2.5 Km. long.]
[Due to the hump]
[on its backbone]
[and tentacles that floated]
[like wafting seaweed,]
[it was confused with]
[a normal-sized island.]
[The Bishop of Midaros]
[planted an altar on a rock]
BOMB
[He didn't know he was on]
[the back of a kraken.]
[The beast waited respectfully]
[for the bishop to finish,]
[then calmly slipped down]
[into the water and vanished.]
[But modern skepticism]
[does not admit]
[the existence of krakens...]
This girl's taking her time.
[...to the confussion of visionaries.]
[But...]
[Who know what lies]
[in the depths of the seas?]
[Perhaps, as Tennyson wrote,]
["Below the thunders]
[of the upper deep,]
[Far, far beneath]
[in the abysmal sea,]
[His ancient, dreamless,]
[uninvaded sleep,]
[The Kraken sleeps."]
[We say goodbye now]
[with a classic by Nat "King" Cole.]
God damn your Renault 12
and the bloody crab spin!
What the fuck am I doing here?
Fuck the moment I met you...
Oh, fuck!
[Listeners, it's been a pleasure...]
I have to stop.
I pulled my neck!
It can't be that bad.
Be a man and keep going.
I fucking can't!
I'm pulling over.
Oh, fuck! I can't.
Okay, but we have to
change places.
Nobody gets out.
So what the hell do we do?
Alright, come on.
Shit.
Careful, careful...
Be careful, shit!
Careful? You be careful!
-Gently...
-More...
-Come on.
-You move it!
That's that.
Come on.
[... this great family,]
Now take over.
[...love for the research]
Wait a sec.
[I do from home,]
[Love for the song selection]
[for each program...]
Come on, for fuck's sake.
Now we're in a hurry?
[...wishing you peace...]
I can't like that,
move this forward.
[Until tomorrow.]
-Further?
-Forward, forward!
Help! Stop!
Help! Stop!
Help!
Help! Help!
Stop! Stop!
Help!
THE CRIPPLE
Jonas?
Jonas!
Jonas!
Who was that girl?
I don't know.
You don't?
She called out your name!
-It's Maria.
-Maria?
-Maria?
-Yes.
This is a coincidence,
we can't deny that.
Go back!
Are you complete idiot?
Are you a complete idiot?
What are you doing?
Open the door!
Open up!
There's a killer out there!
A total psycho!
A psycho!
I don't want to
see you ever again!
I swear to God!
We have to get the police.
A phone!
Give me a phone.
Give it to me! Fuck!
What are you doing,
dressed like a whore?
On the roadside, like a whore!
And you?
Why are you in reverse?
He's got a bomb,
he's forcing me to go to Avila.
Really, will you tell me?
It's another stupid
Guinness thing, isn't it?
Exactly.
THE BALD GUY
Hey!
Buddy!
My friends!
Stop!
Stop!
My friends...
Call the police.
Someone tried to burn me.
Maria!
What are you doing here?
Someone
trying to burn you
doesn't make you
the centre of the universe.
-Get out of the car!
-Get the fuck out!
Out of the car!
I said get out, fuck you!
You animal!
Are you going to Peralejo?
Let's move it.
Stop right there!
This isn't a bus
or a paddy wagon.
Evening, everyone!
Maria, are you okay?
Norberto, give me your seat.
Come on, let's go.
What are you doing?
No way! Forget it!
Don't worry, Norberto,
I'll make it up to you.
A stroll is just the thing
for a fit young man like you.
THE SHOOTING
Cut!
- Bloody awful. Fucking hell.
- We ain't repeating it
nor once neither twice but 10 times
Action, my ass.
I haven't been so bored in ages.
Yeah, the false security
of the paycheck...
Like a chug?
No, I'm into Loctite
or paint stripper.
Varnish reminds me of bones.
What bones?
- I told you a thousand times.
-No, not me.
Yes, my brother was studying Medicine
and my dad got him a corpse
for 15,000 pesetas
from a corrupt gravedigger.
Fuck. A corpse?
It was in two bags
and weighed a ton
with all that flesh still on it.
-You're winding me up.
-I swear.
My mom chopped it up
and boiled it in a spaghetti pot,
one of those tall ones.
She peeled the bones with a knife.
That sucks, the poor guy
ending up like that.
No, it was a woman,
I varnished the bones.
She had a pretty coccyx,
really pretty.
Really pretty.
What's the strongest stuff
you ever tried?
Me?
Xyladecor, white matte.
Fuck. Stronger than
SuperRemover Universal 3V3?
-The non-drip one?
-Yeah.
It's not bad, but I get
the munchies, it's a bummer.
Do you watch "D.I.Y"?
Why?
Yesterday they had a special
on Bruguer Acrylic.
I recommend it.
That show's my Bible.
Sunday afternoons I sit down,
open a can of tuna...
Yeah, I watch it when I can.
At home they think
I'm a carpentry freak.
I always tape "D.I.Y. Tips".
Yeah, "Tips" is heavy duty.
But do you know
what the strongest of all is?
No.
Cannisters of riot gas.
It's like...
You've tried it?
No, just kidding.
What an exciting day!
My old caravan is burnt down,
and now I'm going in reverse
to who knows where.
May I ask why we're in reverse?
If everyone has to ask that,
then this is all going wrong!
I can't see a thing
with that arm there!
Not a fucking thing!
Aren't you going to do anything?
It's impossible like that!
There's another girl on the road.
She's a hooker,
her brothel's not far.
Yeah, that's enough stops.
Why the long faces?
It's all over.
I know a spa in Avila.
You're all invited!
We'll drive there in reverse
and have seaweed baths.
Original, eh?
Maria, what a way
to meet each other.
You're even prettier
when you look worried.
I haven't seen my house
in Capri in two years.
We could spend a few days there.
You can come too, Leo.
Will you duck down
and shut the fuck up?
You see, my friend?
I know it's fun driving in reverse,
but shouldn't you take a break?
Jonas, I beg you...
So, let me explain
How do you know each other?
Forget it, Jonas.
Did you know...
there are 20 different oils
for massaging the neck.
Are you hungry?
In the spa they have the best
Galician-style octopus,
after Syria, that is.
If it's Galician-style,
the best must be there,
seeing how it was invented
in Galicia.
I don't want to make you
look ignorant,
but when Galicians were painting
mammoths on walls,
Syrians already had octopus
with potatoes and paprika.
That's total bullshit!
The best octopus is in Lugo,
Orense, Pontevedra,
or anywhere in Spain!
And in Syria in the period
you talked about,
the potato didn't even exist.
It's not just octopus.
Lentils,
rice, even pepitoria!
Ancient Syria
and Arabia
already had true delicacies.
Then why not stay there
if the food's so good?
Why come here
and bust our balls?
For the women, my friend,
the women.
They're much more fiery.
Everybody keep calm.
-Good evening.
-Good evening.
You know can't drive in reverse
down a local highway?
Playing the hooligan driver
at your age...
Papers and registration, please.
We're sorry. You surprised us.
There is an explanation.
Something came up.
It's engine trouble.
Circumstances forced us
to take this route
and in this form of...
We meant no harm
and used all safety measures.
Make an exception, please.
Papers.
Your papers, please.
Me?
Get out of the car
and remain calm.
This vehicle is going nowhere.
Wait here.
Let's go.
-But why?
-Move it.
Look here. Just as well...
Heidi is Heidi!
Heidi is the essence, get it?
Heidi did the work,
she milked the cows
while her granddad
smoked his pipe, asshole!
He's buttering them up.
Fuck. Fuck.
I think it's time
for a decoy maneouvre.
THE BLACKBIRD
It's the first gift
my wife ever gave me.
I promised her I'd never
tell anyone about the blackbird.
She might be mad at me
about the mortgage,
but she'll be happy that,
thanks to me,
you've changed your life.
I only ask you one thing.
Don't give up.
Juan Angel.
Juan Angel!
Juan Angel!
Wait!
I'm not the pyromaniac.
Shut up!
Don't you know kids love
trees and birds?
We need our trees
and you just burn them.
-What birds?
-Shut up.
-What trees?
-Will you shut up!
Kids...
Kids love trees...
Listen to my partner!
That man... He's got a bomb!
Bomb my ass! Listen to him!
Shit, he's got a bomb!
He's got a bomb!
He's going to blow us all up.
Get rid of the retard
with the board!
You sexist!
I'm directing this video!
I'm the director!
Jonas.
Jonas...
What are you going to do?
Maria!
Maria, are you alright?
Yes?
Don't worry. It's fine.
Nordim fix it, eh?
Nordim fix it.
I think we should
get out of here.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Maria, what's wrong?
-Do you know who he was?
-No.
-The one who ate the butts.
-Really?
Maria, for God's sake,
call Ricardo.
We'll go where you like,
but let's just go.
Maria!
Not today.
Maria! Call Ricardo!
Do you know what it means...
...when my brother-in-law
immobilizes a car?
Do you know what it means...
...when my brother-in-law
immobilizes a car?
It's like the word of God.
Are you going to Church?
When was the last time
you even got up early?
Sir! Sir! Come here!
This truck has to reach Avila
in reverse.
I've got dollars and euros.
I don't mind the currency.
Come on, the cash.
Tonight I feel like breaking
a Guinness record.
Maria! Did you call Ricardo?
Call Ricardo, for God's sake!
Maria!
Okay, dipped headlights,
high beam, windscreen,
emergency brakes,
speed reduction...
Just one thing,
when you get to Avila,
park it properly, please.
Don't you worry.
Drive carefully, wisely.
This isn't a car.
Can I ask a personal question?
Go ahead.
What the sense in
driving in reverse?
As much as if one day you and I
met each other in Helsinki.
Sure thing.
Got a cigarette?
Careful, I've got a gun
in the glovebox.
That god-damn slut.
Bloody hell!
FATHER POLVOROSA
Father, you dyed your hair.
My name is Nordim.
I am a Syrian citizen.
You mistake me for someone.
In Syria, it is custom:
full moon, mustache,
other nights, no mustache.
Father Polvorosa,
I'm Emiliano Floreta.
I signed a mortgage
with you for a warehouse,
with the Apostolic Bank.
A warehouse near Peralejo.
What a crazy night.
Now you take me for a priest.
It's a bit late
to be hanging around.
-Let's start walking.
-Alright with me.
Avila's not far,
and I know a terrific spa.
My friend, do you have
a wife? A lover?
What the hell do you care?
You don't ask
that kind of thing, Father.
Right. Is your wife pretty?
Of course,
or I wouldn't be with her.
My friend, how lucky you are.
See? I don't limp anymore.
Subtitling:
Mario Gomez - FilmBakers S.L.
Just a sec, please...
We would like to ask a minute of attention
to those of you who liked this movie
We appeal to your heart by saying
we don't have a single cent for the promotion
and without it we don't exist
as you're all well aware of
So if tomorrow there was nobody on this theater
to see the movie
it won't be screened the day after
so that's why we're begging for your
urgent endorsement if you liked it
and were planning to do so.
We depend on word of mouth.
You guys are our promotion.
We trust you
When the movie will be out of the...
I mean, so if tomorrow...
So if you like it, please have no doubt...
...no fear...
...no... no doubt
Did I say doubt?
...to watch the movie...
...you know this business is so hard...
My friend Pablo (the director) had a lot of problems...
Really, if you liked it just a little bit,
please recommend it.
Because... this film rocks!
Pablo, during this time,
the credits are here, right?
So I'm talking but the audience is not watching the credits...
If all the crew were working
for love of art...
...aren't they appreciated at the end?