S#!%head: Jordan Cantwell's Epic Quest (2020) - full transcript

Jordan Cantwell's epic quest to see his favorite face-painted rapper and get as high as possible hits a snag when he is unable to score drugs and tries to sell his girlfriend's baby.

- Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic

voice message system.

- Yo!

I know it's early, I'm just

trying to score some chenko,

you know what I'm saying?

- Amanda Chongus

has a special report

on a new popular drug sweeping

hot tubs everywhere, chenko.

- Yo, I'll be

getting 20 bucks in a few,

and I'm just trying

to spend that shit.

- Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic

voice message system.

- This type of service is

completely unacceptable, yo.

Fuck you and your

fucking shitty chenko,

I'll take my business elsewhere.

- Made from a

scorpion's depleted exoskeleton,

known on the street as chenko.

Once the BCP is ingested,

it enters the bloodstream,

it interacts with the white

blood cells in the user's brain,

getting them really,

really, really high.

- Shit, man.

- Why don't

you turn it on silent?

- Man, leave the fuck alone.

- I'm saying.

- What the fuck?

Shit, fuck, fuck!

- This motherfucker

better pick up now.

- Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic

voice message system.

- Man, fuck you Soliver.

Answer!

- Lawmakers

declare Chenko illegal today

by a vote of 113 to two.

Police have instituted a new

cultural awareness program

to help them better

understand community needs.

- Your call has been forward

to an automatic

voice message system.

- Don't you fucking

move asshole!

- Look man, I'm sorry,

I didn't mean all

that shit I just said,

man, please let me buy some

chenko off you, please,

I'll seriously drink

your piss right now!

- Local officials are

gearing up to make a big push

against what they're calling

the culture of chenko,

which, thanks to

rappers like FaceFuka,

is now permeating youth culture.

- You going to black

jail, not white jail!

- Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic

voice message system.

- Should be smoking some

chenko right now, man.

Shit man,

I'm literally on my knees

begging you right now.

And you can't give me

his fucking number?

- Man, fuck you, Jordan!

- Come on, my guy's

not picking up,

I don't know nobody else.

- Nah man, I can't

give shit out like that.

I don't smoke chenko anymore.

- Fine, fuck you then, whatever.

- Fuck you, Jordan!

- Fuck, I'm almost out.

- Where the hell were you?

What, did you take a nap?

I went out there

and looked for you

and I didn't see no

goddamn Statue of Liberty.

- What do you mean, man?

I just stood by the road in this

smelly ass shit for two hours.

- What intersection

did you stand by?

- The one you told me to.

- Which one did I tell you?

- I don't know what you said,

I just went around the

corner and stood there.

- Jesus, did you at

least do the pose?

- What pose?

- The torchlight pose.

- Yeah, I had my arm up

in the air like this.

- I wanted the scintillating

light of Lady Liberty

glistening down

upon the roadside.

Beckoning all of

mankind here today

to give their blood

to the warriors,

who sacrificed their

bodies for people like you.

You know what you did?

You let them down, Jordan.

Oh, you smell like you've

been smoking chenko!

You just went out there

and got high, didn't you?

- No, I'm not high.

- Did your Pops

tell you this yet?

I've seen your kind before,

the only thing that'll

straighten you out

is to join the service and have

somebody beat some

goddamn sense into you.

- I'm not joining the army.

Shit's for fucking fags

and I don't lick

buttholes like you two.

- Here, take it.

You don't deserve

the other five.

- Whatever.

Shit!

- Fran, what was that noise?

You hear that Fran, that noise?

Come on, come on,

we have to check.

Oh, my God, what happened?

- You are my guy, yo!

See Face Fuka, StabbyD,

paint your baby's

face, get in for free.

That's right, bitches, payloads,

paint your child's

face, you get in free,

and don't forget, go

on Facebook right now

and enter the fucking

Facebook Baby Tattoo contest

for the chance to win a fucking

lifetime's supply of chenko!

- Oh, Charlie, hush!

- Oh!

Oh! - What?

- Look at you two.

Look how loud you're being.

- Dad, Dad!

- I can't give

you these presents now.

- Dad, Dad!

Dad, those VFW guys you work

with were total assholes.

They wouldn't pay me,

'cause they said they

ran out of money.

Do you think I could

get like five bucks?

- Hm.

- I just need five bucks,

that's it, take your

hand off your dick

and give me the money.

That's two bucks, fucker.

Yah! - Get off me!

- I don't wanna see

that shit right now.

- Yeah, you do.

What up with Cody's

face paint, yo?

Bitch don't you ever fuck

with a man's baby face paint.

- I think that face

paint's making him sick.

I mean, look at him, he's

all hot and fucked up.

And shit, I think there's

something wrong with him.

I mean, look at him, doesn't

he look weird to you?

- Man, babies can't get sick,

fucking chill, all right.

- They can't?

- No.

- Face paint ain't

gonna fuck him up.

FaceFuka never

takes his paint off,

'cause it protects

you from AIDS.

- Yeah, but as soon as you

put that shit on his face,

he started acting

like super retarded.

- He probably got pissed off,

'cause you took his FaceFuka

paint off, I don't know.

- No, I Doogled it.

I think this could

be like really bad.

You gotta take him to the

baby-ologist like today.

- Leave me alone, yo!

I can't bankroll his

sickness at the moment.

Man, you know how much fucking

chenko I gotta smoke tonight?

- Jordan, you gotta take him

somewhere while I'm working.

I'm like freaking out!

Okay, if he dies, I don't

want it to be my fault,

and I think he might die.

- Man, he'll be good.

Besides, he loves it, look.

- Baby, see.

You know what I'm saying, babe?

Come on, just show

me your titties.

Just suck my dick, come on.

- Not right now,

somebody's at the door.

- Fucking Stephanie.

I'm gonna punch

her in the balls.

- If you do that again, I'll

rip your fucking face off!

- What the fuck

do you want, Stephanie?

- Fuck you, Jordan.

Move out of my fucking way!

- No one wants you here.

Janee just told me two

seconds ago not to let you in.

- Shut the fuck up.

Where is she?

- Getting dressed, chill.

- Actually, I wanna

talk to you too.

- Fuck off, what?

- My Mom caught my

little brother smoking

chenko yesterday,

you piece of shit.

I know it was you

who sold it to him.

- I don't sell anything.

Why would it be me?

- Exactly, he doesn't

know any dealers.

Where else is he

gonna get it from?

- Leave me the fuck alone.

I don't even smoke chenko.

- I'm telling you, that

paint's gonna give him

hardcore ear problems today.

He's gonna grow up mega

retarded like Jordan.

- I don't know, I mean,

his ears seemed fine.

- Babies are like little

microwaves inside.

They'll just keep heating

up until they pop.

- Oh my God, really?

- Yeah.

- You gotta buy it for him ASAP

or his appendix is gonna melt.

If you don't get him some today,

he's gonna be fucked.

- Yeah, well,

- I asked Jordan for

some money to get some.

- Yeah, what'd he say?

- Hm?

What's up, girl?

- Hey Jordan, send me

a picture of your dick,

and I'll show you my asshole.

- You know what, I?

- Jordan!

- What, Dad?

- Where's my pills?

I can't find it

anywhere, Jordan!

- I don't know, Dad!

I didn't touch your pills!

Alright, I'm coming!

- Get ready, it's Dijo Time!

Aw yeah Buffalo Wings!!

Not in my house!

Not my house, bitch.

You can't dunk on dijo.

He's twelve feet tall!

- Harvey.

Somebody's here for you, Harvey.

- Excuse me, guys, I have to go,

yell at my grandma.

- Harvey, Harvey.

- What, Grandma?

What do you want?

- Who is this here, Harvey?

Who is this here?

- Hold on, everybody.

The rest of my wings are here.

- Here you go,

two family-size orders

of South Korean style,

extra buffalo, buffalo wings.

All right?

- Eat me, Donut.

Buffalo wings are

good for you, Donut.

Eat me.

- Please.

Don't leave.

- Um, Jordan, uh,

while you're at home

watching Cody today,

you know, don't go nowhere, and

please don't make any

fuckin' deals at the house.

- Oh my God, you're

seriously gonna trust

this fucked up

mongreed piece of shit

with a life of

another human being

for more than 13 seconds?

- He'll be fine.

- Just make sure you

fuckin' feed him.

- Fuck off, fat bitch.

Can't take this out

of your cunty voice.

- Are they still letting

you skip third period?

- Oh my God.

They never give

me a hard time now

when I come in late for class.

Like I'll just tell

the receptionist,

I have a hardcore pink taco,

and she'll pretty much write

me a pass for whatever.

- Oh, uh, well, do

you think you could

stop by the house

on your way home,

and just, you know,

check up on Jordan?

- It's seriously so sad that

you have to ask me that.

If I knew who my kid's

dad was and he was around,

I would never let

him be this dumb.

- Okay, calm your tits.

Janeé, I fucking love you,

but he makes you stupider,

and you can't trust him

not to fuck things up.

- I trust him.

- Did you tell him about those

hair-cutting classes

you want to take?

- Freaking,

chill, leave me alone.

I'm gonna tell him

about Angela's, duh.

Look, I'm gonna be late.

Please just promise me that

you'll check up on him.

- Oh, I'll be here.

I can't even imagine

what that fucker's

up to while you're gone.

- Thank you.

- Oh, Murphy.

- I don't really understand

why you understand,

what you meant

there in that text.

What the fuck does B-A-F-L mean?

- Bring a fucking lot.

I thought you'd know that one.

- Nope.

- Look, um, I don't know if

you're gonna be cool with this,

but fucking, I was like, he'd

pissed if I didn't ask, right.

- What?

Dude, you mind turning

this down, man?

This is fucking annoying.

- Nah, I lost the remote, dope.

- You mind fucking changing

the channel or something?

This is fucking ridiculous.

- Nah, the channel buttons

on the TV are broke, too.

- So, by a fucking lot,

you mean a full

or a half sleeve?

- Give me a full one.

- And John

says taking it to the corner,

and oh, stolen by Dijo.

Not in my house.

Personally, I think they

should just retire this sport,

because there's nobody

here that's ever going

to be better at basketball

than Dijo, ever.

- Do you ever think

Dijo thinks about me?

- I don't know,

but I know Dijo thinks about me.

- No way.

I'm like the biggest

Dijo fan ever.

- Second biggest.

I'm the biggest Dijo fan ever.

- No, but you don't understand.

I live in a wonderful world.

Dijo.

- Not in my house.

- Here you go.

You got the money?

- Um, see, well,

that's the thing.

Uh, right now,

little low on funds.

- Why'd you tell me to

bring all this shit over?

- I got you.

I'll have those really tonight,

but if you can't wait.

I can do something

else right now.

Check this out.

I will give you $17.14 in

quarters, nickels, and dimes.

Two one-dollar bills,

a pack of gum, Tornado

Hackers on DVD,

this filter for a humidifier

that I found in my dad's closet,

some balloons,

and one bottle of Brogenix

testosterone supplement,

practically unused.

Yo, that Brogenix

alone is worth like

12 payments of $19.95.

So whatever that adds up

to, you is getting it.

- Jordan, Jordan!

Who you talking to?

- I'm not talking

to anyone, Dad.

- Your nose is bleeding.

- What?

- Yo, I thought you were

gonna have some cash.

- Nah, man, I'm gonna

borrow to get some cash.

Man, you don't want to take

that stuff right there.

It's fine.

I'll have your money

for you later tonight,

100% guaranteed.

You know, I do a little

pushin' on the side myself.

All I got to do is sell

a couple seed bags.

Yo, my people front

me shit all the time.

Don't worry.

- Jordan, Jordan!

Are you talking about me?

- What, Dad?

I'm talking to a fucking friend.

- Jordan, Jordan, Jordan!

- I just need to

see your dick again.

Come on, Jordan, send me some.

Send me some pictures, please?

Come on, send me some

pictures, please?

- Is that a fucking baby?

- Everything's

cool, fucking chill.

Y'all, man, you

ain't gotta worry

about that motherfucker.

He's always like.

It's like, yeah, my dad just

took a lot of acid, that's all.

- What, right now?

- No, like 20 years ago.

He was homeless for a while,

then he joined the army.

Then he got really into acid.

It's just how he is.

It's best not to piss him off.

He will literally

try to kill you.

- All right, I'm gonna

call you at eight o'clock.

I'm taking this shit, but

I still want that money.

No excuses.

Fucking loser.

- Great.

- Jordan, Jordan!

- I've explained it

to you four times already.

I don't know how much

more simple to make this.

Listen, all we

need is baby's DOB,

and then I can set up

the appointment for you,

but you can't just walk in here.

- I don't, I don't know

what the fuck that is.

- Get off the phone, Janeé.

- Fuck, he's back.

- Janeé, listen.

Maureen's 12:30 doesn't

want any Angela products

in her hair.

So look, I put some dish

detergent in a bottle.

Just use that, she'll never

know the difference, okay?

- Daphne, listen.

I'm so, so, so sorry,

but I can't make

the last payment for

Angela's Superstar

program. - What?

- Oh, no, no, no.

You can't do that.

- Cody's appendix is gonna melt,

and like, it's super retarded.

Like I called all

these baby-ologists,

and they're all like, nah,

we won't take him without

stupid fucking money.

- Do you have any idea how

this is gonna make Angela feel?

Angela has feelings, Janeé.

- Dude, come on.

Look, that guy's come

back again, creepin' on.

- Eh, he throws me five

bucks just to sit there,

and I don't see a

thing wrong with it.

Go deal with the clients.

- No, that's the thing.

You got the cash for that, man?

Dude, I gotta make a run.

- Nah, I'll have to get

you later with the cash.

- Fuck man.

I haven't even

sampled that shit yet.

- It's not that great.

- Yo, well.

I'll let you have it,

if you do me a favor.

- What is it?

- Just watch my baby

for like five minutes.

- Aw, man, I gotta smoke chenko

and play video games.

I can't help you.

- Fuck your video games then.

Get up out of here, man, vamos.

What's that smell?

- Yo, dude.

- Man, where are you?

You said you would be here

an hour ago.

- I know, fucking chill.

- Wah-wah-wah-wah, wha-wah-wah.

Get over here, now.

- All right, fucking chill.

I'm leaving right now.

I'll be right there.

- Yeah, sure.

- Fuck.

If everyone just let me

get high for two seconds.

I don't have time for this.

I gotta go.

Dad, I need you

to watch the baby.

- Baby, what baby?

- You never noticed

that a baby lives

in your fucking house before?

- Don't fucking curse at me.

- Listen, Dad, just stand there,

and look at the fucking thing.

I'll be back in five minutes.

- God dammit.

- Brandenburg Dental,

this is Raneé speaking.

How can I help you?

- Dude, it's me.

- Janeé, where the

fuck are you right now?

Mom is so fucking pissed.

I know that you killed

that baby, didn't you?

- No, shut up.

I know what I'm doing.

I told you I'm not

gonna kill him.

Dude, this was a bad idea.

- Bad idea, yeah, just like

your life was a bad idea.

- Excuse ma'am.

- Excuse me, I need to

tell this bitch off.

Fuck you.

I am the motherfucking Napoleon

of making genius babies.

I know what happened.

I can see it now.

Cody's in a dumpster.

You don't even

have to apologize.

- No, Cody's not sick or dying

or anything like that.

He's doing super

fucking awesome.

Thank you for asking, bitch.

- Right.

You know, Michelangelo

doesn't have time to get sick.

He wouldn't do that to us.

- Well good for Michelangelo.

- I have a big boy job

that I need to get back to.

Why the fuck are you calling me?

- I need money.

- No.

- Dude, come on.

I can't have all this.

Angela's, come on, you know

how much this means to me.

- How the fuck did you do that?

No, not, still no, not

even considering it,

and don't ask Mom, either.

She hates you forever, goodbye.

- Please, come on,

I'll pay you back.

Look, I lied.

Cody's super sick, okay?

It sucks.

I got a job with Angela,

and this is my shot.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- That's sad, Janeé.

- Oh my, fucking bitch.

- Yo, Jordan.

- Yo, what it do?

Got here as fast as I could.

You still gonna be

able to do this?

- Did you finally

get that money.

- Yes, I did.

- Hold on one second.

I don't know where

you got this from,

but it's not enough.

- Shit, man, you sure?

I thought that

was a lot of cash.

- Oh, there is, but

it's mostly ones.

- What about that

discount I was getting?

- Even with your

friend discount,

this will cover you

about a sixth, at most.

- Okay, well would

you maybe do it

in installments,

like a sixth now,

and then you know, we

could do the rest later on?

- I don't see why not.

All right, so this where

you wanted that turkey.

- Yeah, like blam,

all about the size

of my left shoulder there.

- Okay.

And you're sure this is

the design you want to do?

You don't want to

go with the spider,

with big tits, right,

a skull, motorcycle.

- Spiders are badass,

but I'm gonna have

to stick with the baby picture.

Tryin' to win a

shitload of chenko

from FaceFuka's

baby tattoo contest.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

Hey, you want to see

some pregnant titties?

- Jordan, are you filming me?

- No, bitch.

Givin' me shit, man.

He don't love the baby.

He never do nothing for it.

I'm like, shit.

I'll show you how

much I love that baby,

fucking bitch.

Get his face burned

into my shoulder.

What you goin' to do about that?

- Okay, so you doin' all this,

just to prove to her

that you're right,

and she's wrong,

even though she is

probably kind of right.

- No.

Man, I know that

thing's annoying

and expensive as fuck,

but I'm like, fine.

I'll let it stick around

as long as you

just fucking chill.

- I don't know what you

guys are fighting about,

but you don't want

to keep a baby.

You don't got to keep a baby.

- What do you mean?

- Well, there's ways.

There's people you can call,

people who might be

interested in helping you out

with those kind of problems.

- Wait.

For real?

- Mm-hmm.

- It's Dijo time.

It's Donut time.

Dijo time.

Donut time.

Donut time.

- Dad?

- I feel sick.

- Look what you did.

I ain't cleaning that up.

Get your big, behemoth

ass off the floor, man.

- Who got me sick?

Is somebody sick in this house?

- Man, I don't know.

Chill, yo.

Wipe your mouth off.

- Where's all the Robitussin?

You used it to get

high, didn't you?

- No, Dad, I

don't touch the Robitussin.

- Answer the goddamn phone.

I gotta get some cough medicine.

You need anything

from the drugstore

while I'm out?

I can get you something

if you're sick.

- No, Dad, nobody's

sick, just go.

What?

- Hello, there, buddy.

This is Tazel from Brogenix.

How you making out

with the year supply?

- Yeah, we didn't actually

order any of that.

I think someone stole my

dad's credit card number.

You know what I'm saying?

- Oh, you betcha.

No wonder, I see you made one

of the payments by cash here.

Let me see if I can

- Can I talk to you

- some other time, uh, please?

- Oh, sure.

- Yo, man, you

gotta stop telling

your fat fucking

sister about this.

I don't know want to have to

karate chop her in the throat.

- What happened

to your shoulder?

- Just got a banging new tattoo.

- What'd you get a tattoo of?

- Uh, spiders,

just a lot of work

I gotta get done

on it, though.

- Oh, that's gay.

- No, man, that ain't gay.

Look, I don't got no baggies,

so I'm gonna break it up here.

You both wanted one?

- What kind of chenko is this?

I don't want this dirt.

- Shit, son.

You don't know what's good.

This is 100% pure scorpi-dust,

straight from Peru.

- I don't believe you.

It's not even that dark.

- No, man, look.

It's some of the best

chenko I ever smoked.

Check it out.

So you got that 600 bucks?

- Dude, run!

- Hey, get back here.

- Fuck you, loser.

- Ow.

- Yeah, I'll drop it off,

but I'm not doing cash anymore.

I keep getting fucked over.

I'm switching over to Zitcoin.

It's just.

- Pu-damn.

Getting a baddass tattoo.

Fuck you all.

- Sweet xenu

- Vote for me.

In the FaceFuka

baby tattoo contest,

hashtag dontBEaBITCH.

- You got a fucking tattoo.

You got a fucking tattoo.

You said you were broke.

- Look, Janeé, you don't

need to call a doctor.

You just need to

buy baby aspirin.

Pour like half the

bottle in his face,

and he'll calm the fuck down.

- Freakin' chill.

What am I gonna do?

I'm like freaking out, man.

Look, just please promise me

that you'll call as soon

as you get there, okay?

- Off the phone, Janeé.

Angela is not happy.

You can't quit the program.

- What do you mean?

- Angela won't allow it.

The salon sponsored

you for this,

and if you don't go, do you know

what Angela's gonna do to me?

I have a family, Janeé.

- Dude, I can't pay for it.

- Angela doesn't care, Janeé.

You have to pay, you have to.

- Uh, Janeé.

- Hey.

- Hey, Janeé, uh,

do you know where I

can skiz some chenko?

- No, I don't do that shit.

- Oh, damn, I thought

maybe your bae was

still dealing seed bags.

- Jordan?

No.

- I'll give you $20

if you can score

some fucking chenko today.

Please I'm skeevin, yo.

I can't find shit around here.

- I'm so broke right now.

- You know, you need money.

Bundy over there

will pay you $500

to bend him and call

him a little princess

and tickle his butthole.

He tells me like

five times a day.

- Um, no.

Um, let me text Jordan.

He's literally always got stuff.

He can hook you up with

some dope-ass chenko.

- Oh, dope.

I will give you that

twenty when I am done work.

Thanks, girl.

- Brandenburg Dental,

this is Raneé speaking.

What the fuck do you want?

- Uh, I'll just call back.

- Angela.

Why?

Givebacks.

- Bleed on this, bitch.

Hashtag FaceFuka,

Hashtag Chenko4Life.

- Jordan, where are you?

- I'm in the bathroom.

I'm gonna fucking

stab those kids.

- Jordan! Jordan!

Jordan, where are you?

Jordan, where are you?

Oh, there you are, Jordan.

You're not gonna believe this.

Somebody robbed the

VFW this morning.

- Oh, that sucks.

- Some guy came in

and ran out the door

with one of them charity boxes

for vets with no legs.

What kind of scum would do that?

I'm going over there right now

to help them find

out who did this.

You can't fool us vets.

- Man, where's that remote?

Fuck, I just want one

hit of chenko, just one.

Fuck.

That's not gonna work.

- It's important at

the first sign of illness

to administer baby

aspirin to your child.

Without baby aspirin,

your baby has

a frighteningly higher

chance of dying.

100% pure baby aspirin,

it cools their bones

and dulls their

sense of awareness,

so there sickness

starts to melt away.

- Yeah?

- Jordan, I

want that money back.

- Who is this?

- You know damn

well who this is.

Don't play games with

me, you hamburger.

We know it was you

who stole from us.

I'm coming by your house

- Fuck you.

- tonight for that money.

You hand it over.

I swear I won't tell your dad

or anyone else what happened.

THat's a fair offer.

- How 'bout you give me

that other five bucks

you screwed me on this morning,

and I won't tell

everybody how much

of an old doucher you are.

- Don't worry

about that chenko later.

I'm good.

- But Dee, come on.

I need that money.

My baby's all sick, he's like...

- Okay, that's really cute.

You should probably talk

to Bundy over there.

He's really not so bad,

takes like 30 seconds.

Helps me pay my rent.

- I don't think you

realize what is coming

down on you, if you

don't surrender it now.

- Whatever, I gotta go.

Oh, what's up, dude.

Yo, I was gonna call you.

I'm sorry that I...

- That's not gonna work.

Where's my money?

- Um, well, that's the thing.

- See, you don't

have it, do you?

- Technically, no, I don't.

- And you're not gonna pay

me, either, today, are you?

- Probably not.

- Where's my fucking chenko?

- Hey, where you going?

Hey, hey.

Get out of here, hey.

Don't touch that.

- I don't like to

be fucked with.

Where is it?

- I kind of lost it, yo.

- Oh really, you wanna

revise your answer?

- I told you, I fucking lost it.

I don't have it, dude.

Fuck the ass, dude,

I don't have it.

- Well, where did it go?

Two zinolas of chenko

does not just vanish

into thin fucking air.

- I was robbed, yo,

by little fucking bikers, dude.

Look, yeah, I don't have

your cash right now,

but maybe, maybe

we can make a deal

for something else?

- Um, uh, hey there.

- You buy some pills?

- Wait, don't take that.

That's my dad's anti-acid

flashback medicine.

There's so much acid

still in his spine

if he doesn't take it,

he gets really bad

trips, like all day long.

Seriously, you can have

anything else but that.

Come on, man.

There's other valuable shit

in here you could take.

- What the fuck?

- Uh, dude, are you okay?

- Whoa, excuse me, buddy.

You can't die in here.

- I don't care.

Take the baby.

Yeah, you want it?

It's yours.

I hear you can get

like five grand

for a fresh baby on eBay.

Just sell it, and with

the money I owe you,

you can toss me like

an extra two onions

and we'll call it even, yo.

- I'm not taking

your fucking kid.

Don't ever call me again,

you sick piece of shit.

- Fuck off, Stephanie,

where did you come from?

- Oh my, seriously,

did you just try to fucking do

what I think you fucking did?

- No, Stephanie, I didn't.

- Wait until

Janeé finds out about this.

- Can I help you?

- Hi, uh, do you have

any baby aspirin?

- Yeah, sure.

- I'm taking Cody with me.

He is not safe with you here.

- What are you doing?

Isn't that like baby-napping

or something? - Call the cops.

- I don't give a fuck.

- Fine, you need a fucking baby.

I didn't realize you

teach all day long.

Whoa, you can't take my baby.

You fat bitch, I already

fucking got you pregnant

and gave you a baby.

I wanted to keep that one.

Hey.

What the fuck it.

- Tell her she's got the salami.

I'm not talking to her again.

- I thought we had a good

thing going here, Jordan.

I'm just sittin' here all alone,

snorting some chenko,

thinking of you.

- Chenko.

- Fuck, yeah it is.

I got some chen', chen'.

Keep showin' me that dick,

and I'll bring your ass some.

- About 13 minutes.

- Scorpion chain don't

make it no bigger.

Dangle this bad boy

next to my dick.

She'll love it.

Fuck is it now, man?

- It's all right.

Jordan.

Guess what I just got,

just like her cash.

- I don't know, Donut.

I don't fucking care.

- I just got diabetes,

which now I got this pill

that's like making me shit

like a lot, which means more

No, I been trying to hit you

all the. - Up for chenko

- all fucking day, man.

Where the fuck you been?

Did you just reach

inside your belly button

and smell the shit

that was inside?

- Oh, yes, so gross.

- What the fuck is

wrong with you, Donut?

Get off my lawn.

I'm going back inside.

You don't want to help

me get some chenko?

Eat a dick, then.

- Wait, come on, I...

I got chenko.

We can snort some lines,

and like eat some BaDingos.

- Chenko.

- Yeah, let's get

some food up in this bitch.

- Dang, yo, start that shit up.

Get in the fucking car, man.

You run over a skunk, bro?

- I'm just gonna have, yo,

you gonna have some

wings on the way?

No, you cannot have any wings.

- Yo, where the fuck

your chenko at, yo?

- Right there.

- Come on, I ain't

been out all day.

I just need to do

a hit real quick.

This is a bomb,

fucking chenko, yo.

We're gonna get so

fucking high, man.

- Man, you look fine.

- I know.

- God.

- It smells like tree bark.

- Who the fuck is calling me?

- Yo, give me a hit.

- Who the fuck you are?

I'll fix up my own bong.

- Janeé, you better thank me.

I just got off the phone

with that cuntoid, Angela,

and you know what

she just said to me?

What is it with

you and the phone?

Can't anyone around

here stop the texting

for two seconds?

- Nah, I better stick

it up my asshole.

Work way faster.

- As long I've been sending

- girls to Angela's

Superstar School,

I've never seen them

make any exceptions

for anybody, ever.

- Whoa, you can't take off

bump-bump while I'm driving.

- It's cool, yo.

I haven't chenkoed all day.

I'm just trying to get

really fucking high.

- But I told

them about your dumb ass

and that sick baby

of yours at home.

God dammit, would you

just answer that already?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.

Put your ass away.

There's a cop right over there.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- I'm sorry, it's my

friend, Stephanie.

I don't know what she wants.

What did they say?

- Two hours.

Angela promised to

not break your legs

and give you an extension

on the last payment

for two hours.

- Fucking chill already, fuck.

- You're still in

it for now, honey,

but don't make me

look like a chump.

- What?

What do you want?

- I'm gonna eat so much food,

and then I'm gonna shit so much.

I wonder what we should get.

We should split some Scuzzers.

- I ain't got no money.

- Shit, I ain't buying

you nothing, you bitch.

- He's gonna die.

Chenko time, motherfucker.

- Can I get four Dijo buckets,

six orders of Buffalo Choppers,

three Scuzzers,

a BaDingo burger.

- Sure, is this family-sized?

- No, just for me.

- Ooh, we can take

a little more.

- Yeah, we can

add some M&M'S on that.

- Dijo.

- Fuck, fuck, where the fuck.

Fuck.

- Um, do you actually have

any breakfast cereal as well?

- Um, yeah, we do actually.

- Oh shit.

- Well, my dude.

- Fuck it, still

got time for a hit.

He's moving at

Brontosaurus speed.

- Dijo, my man.

Holy shit, what the

fuck happened, Jordan?

Were you trying to

steal my chenko?

- Uh, no.

- On behalf of child services,

I'd like to thank

you for reporting

the baby found in

the dumpster earlier.

We take dumpster

babies very seriously

here at child services.

We're gonna go ahead and launch

a full investigation, okay?

- Amazing.

- Do you have any idea

where the mother

might be located?

- Um, yeah.

I've got that for

you right here.

- Roger, Jengo 17,

we got some potential

shit bags on bicycles

in the woods on Chester.

I'm gonna go see what

these guys are doing.

- Roger that, Choner.

- Give me some

fucking c-bags, yo.

- What you, what

are you like eight?

Where's your money, kid?

- Don't fucking move.

Don't fucking move, shot.

- Choner, we

got reports of gunshots

fired in your vicinity.

Please respond.

- 17, yeah I just got

attacked by a group of boys

high on chenko.

- Are you in danger?

- Yes, I'm fearing

for my life right now.

Oh, shit.

You're gonna tell me

exactly where you got

this fucking chenko from,

or else I'm gonna stick so many

things up your fucking ass,

you're gonna

bleeding for a month.

I have every size nightstick

in the trunk of my police car.

Some are black, some are white,

some are even Asian, which

you might even enjoy.

Let me tell you something.

You are not gonna enjoy

when I put the black one in.

- Dude, don't I have

the right remain silent?

- What?

No. - Okay.

- Uh, well.

- Told you, it's

not my fault, man.

Couldn't find a tissue

or nothing in your car.

You need to keep

some napkins around.

Besides, what's the big deal?

You told me it only

cost five bucks.

- Doesn't mean I want you to get

nosebleed city on my shit.

- Man, I'll clean

it up, I promise.

- Well, then go do it then,

you bloody nose havin' bitch.

- Let's just go get high first,

then I'll wipe

down all the blood

and vacuum the whole thing.

Come on, please.

Just let me do one hit, Donut.

- Jordan, do you

know where the pills are?

- No, Dad, I didn't

open anything.

- Oh, there you are.

Jordan, have you seen my pills?

I can't find them.

- No, Dad, I don't know

who took your pills.

- They were right here,

and they're gone again.

Jordan, remember

where I put them.

- I don't know, did you

look in the bathroom?

- Bathroom?

I don't put my pills

in the bathroom.

- You got five minutes.

- Five minutes til what?

- Five minute to pay us back,

or we'll tell your dad,

and we'll all whoop you good.

- Man, I give you five minutes

to get the fuck out my face.

I ain't stole shit.

- Jordan, Jordan, get in here.

Where else can I look?

- I'm not screwing

around here, you lizard.

You first Peruvian

war vet right here.

I can smell the

lies on your breath.

- Fucking asshole.

- Hey!

- What are you doing home?

Ain't you supposed to

be working overtime?

- Jordan, I don't have my pills.

You gotta help me find them.

- I don't know, Dad.

I cannot look right now.

- I came home as soon as

Stephanie told me what you did.

This is the worst

possible fucking thing

you could've done, Jordan.

- Who the fuck.

- Don't be so loud.

- Just fucking chill, okay?

- No, I'm done chilling.

I'm done fucking chilling.

- I need my pill now.

- Whatever Stephanie said

she saw was a total.

I didn't try to sell anything.

She's wrong, I swear,

I wouldn't do that.

- Time's up, Jordan.

Is there something you

want to tell your dad?

- What, no, man.

- Jordan,.

- That's the guy.

That's him right there.

- I just caught this

kid smoking chenko

in the middle of the woods.

He said it was you

who sold it to him.

Is that true? - No, Officer.

- I don't know who this

little fucking doucher is.

- Are you sure it's

this fucking dickhole?

- Yeah.

- Put your hands up

against the wall.

Come on, turn around.

I coulda just smelled

the chenko on you.

We'll go wrist deep

in your fucking ass.

- No, Dad, no one's here, man.

I didn't sell shit to

them little kids, man.

Whatever they told you is

not fucking true, all right?

- Somehow, you're clean,

which is a miracle,

just looking at your dirty ass,

but now I gotta

search the premises.

- Oh, come on, Jordan,

you never plugged up this thing.

- What is this?

- Uh, yeah, that's uh,

one of those things,

uh, what you call?

- Chenko pipe?

- Nah, that's not it.

- I don't even

know what to think.

You have more chenko memorabilia

than I have ever seen

in my entire life.

Yet you say no to drugs.

You got some fucking balls.

- There's something

I need to tell you.

- Fuck, mother fuck, bitch.

- Ah, help me,.

- Hey, you know how dangerous

a drug like chenko is?

I'll tell you.

I've seen it myself.

It puts holes in your dick.

- Oh my God, I'm stuck.

- Stop.

- Who's here?

I don't see anybody.

- Hold on, I'll be right back.

I'm not goin' far.

Just stay here for him.

- Don't leave me with him.

- I don't wanna

hear you try to pull

some shit to get back

at that kid, either.

You understand me?

- Yeah, is that it?

- Excuse me, Officer,

but there's something I

need to discuss with you.

- No, there isn't.

Shut the fuck up, Walter.

- What is it?

- I'm a have to, kid.

- You didn't give me a chance.

- This man.

Committed a crime.

- Jesus Christ, what now?

- Would you help me?

- Who the hell are you?

- Help me.

- Donut.

- Fuck, that's

assault on an officer.

You're under arrest,

you fucking fat fuck.

What happened to

you, raisin man?

Did he do that to you?

Okay, that's double

aggravated assault.

You're under arrest,

you fat fuck.

Get up.

Come on, you fucking

cannibal, let's go.

Come on, you fucking

fat piece of shit.

- Wait, Officer, I wanted

to tell you something.

- Look, come down to the station

if you want to file a report.

I gotta take care of this

knuckle, hey, hey, come on!

- You don't know what

this kid did to me.

- Let's go, close the door.

- You don't know how bad he is.

- See you later,

Jordan, I gotta go.

- Donut.

- What?

- Can I eat your wings?

- No.

- But Officer, we use that money

to buy wounded vets

prosthetic limbs.

- Look, I told you,

I don't give a shit.

Hey.

Where you going?

- Uh, uh, uh.

- What the fuck is this?

- He got a nosebleed.

Don't take my car, please.

Jordan, Jordan, please.

Jordan, Jordan, please.

- I gotta run these plates.

- Oh come on, I just...

- Shut the fuck up, don't move.

- Jordan!

- Whatever.

Why the fuck are you such

a shitty fucking nose?

- Jordan, I'm comin'

over right now.

My vagina's on fire,

and you gotta help

me put it out.

I'm comin' right now,

Jordan, right now.

- You're such an asshole.

- What?

What'd I do?

- You know you fucking did.

- Oh the baby thing?

Come on.

You're gonna believe Stephanie?

She got it all wrong.

He asked me to sell it,

and I was like no, no way,

not in a million years, man.

That's my baby boy.

- Really?

You didn't try to sell him?

- No.

I would never do that, come on.

- But give it, why was

there even a guy here?

You were supposed

to be watching Cody,

not fucking with your friend.

- I know, I wasn't

gonna say anything,

but he was only here cause

he was trying to sell me

some off the market

baby medicine.

They got this dope shit that

the government

won't let you have,

curing babies left

and right of all kinds

of fucked-up diseases only

you don't hear about it

because it's super

underground, man.

- Really?

Well, I don't know about that.

Did you get some?

- No, yeah, he actually came

and tried to rob me,

but all he got off

with was the microwave.

- Seriously, Jordan, you

didn't need to do that.

- Well, hey.

That's my baby boy.

I'll risk myself

like that for him.

Look, I was gonna

try and surprise you,

but I might as

well show you now.

You think I don't

love that baby?

Check this out.

I'm getting his fucking face

tattooed on my fucking back.

- Shit, Jordan.

How much did you spend on that?

Don't you think we

coulda put that money

towards something

a little better?

- No, what's a better

way to show you

how much I love my baby boy,

and how wrong you

were that I didn't.

There isn't one.

- Okay, I didn't tell you,

but Daphne got me into Angela's

Haircut Superstar classes.

If you do this, you get

all certified to cut

people's hair, and

I think it would be

really good for us, you know,

to help pay for Cody?

Hairstylists make mad loot.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

I really only

needed a little bit

more money to get in, so,

maybe you could go

back to your tattoo guy

and tell him you don't

want the rest of it,

and we could put that money

towards something

else, like me, myself,

and my haircut classes.

- All right.

I'll do it.

- Fucking Jordan,

why can't you just

not fuck up for once?

- Man, how'd I fuck up?

I already explained

to you what happened?

It's not my fault Stephanie came

and stole our baby.

- Oh my, oh yeah, we,

we gotta go over there

and get him back.

I don't want Cody

to forget my face.

I mean, how are you

gonna sell a baby?

That's so ridiculous.

You couldn't do that.

- You mean, you never

heard of that shit?

For fresh white babies, shit.

I hear you can pull in

like five, ten K at least.

- Yeah, but who would do that?

- Well, if you think about it,

it's not really

that bad of an idea.

I mean, you could take

them haircut classes

you been talking about,

and I could finish up my tattoo,

maybe get a few

more killer ones,

like spiders, shit,

with that type of money,

you could be covered

with spiders.

- Yeah, but 10K would never

begin to make up for Cody.

- Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Maybe we should ask for more.

- What?

- Nothing, I mean,

if you ever decided, you know,

that you didn't want him

anymore, I do know a guy.

- Did you seriously

just say what

I thought you just said?

- Maybe.

- I cannot believe

you've been lying to me.

This entire time, Stephanie

was telling me the truth,

and you made me think my

best friend was lying to me?

What the hell, what's that?

- Jordan!

I got your chenko.

Ooh, look at you.

You just as cute

as your pictures.

Ooh, look.

I got your chain.

- Who the fuck are you, bitch?

I will slice your tits off.

- Look, ain't he so beautiful?

- Those were super

special to me.

How could you send

those to her, Jordan?

- Man, it was an accident.

We talked about this.

I do that sometimes when

I'm really fucking high.

- You can't say that when

you're always fucking high.

- I'm not high right now.

I don't even have any chenko.

I've been looking for it

all fucking day.

- I'll give you all

the chenko you want.

I'll give you all

the chenko you want.

Please.

- Hey, don't take my dick out.

- Just take your dick out,

- That's not your dick.

- Please, Jordan.

- That's my dick.

- Hey, wait a minute.

What's going on?

- If you want to get fucked up

with your chick horse,

go right a-fucking-head,

I won't stop you.

Oh, fuck you.

- Give me that dick.

- Please, please.

I'll pull my dick out.

I'll stick it anything

you want, please.

All I want is one hit

of chenko, please.

Just one chenko hit, please.

Just a little chenko.

- Really?

- Fuck you, Donut.

- Man, this is

bullshit city, man.

Dude, fuck.

- Here, sniff this off my titty.

Wait, no you can't,

don't touch it.

You gotta sniff it

up my ass first.

Sike.

- Aw, fuck you, bitch.

Give me a hit.

- Oh, Jordan, oh,

Jordan, it burns.

I'm burning up.

I don't know why it's

doing this, Jordan.

Just make right, top it, eat up.

It's time to eat

these green peas

that grandmama made.

Eat it up, eat 'em up, Jordan.

Clean it up.

Eat up, Jordan.

Eat up

What the fuck?

Oh what the fuck is?

What the fuck?

- What the fuck is that?

- Make it stop.

A damn baby popped out.

- Get away from me.

I don't want nothing to

do with them slime people.

- Baby.

Yo Dude...

I think I got something

you might want.

Where's the product?

- Right over here, yo.

Gettin' a good deal.

This is a fresh

fucking baby, brah.

- Whoa, dude. What the fuck?

That ain't your kid!

Fuck, man!

I don't even give a fuck.

Just give me some chenko,

and the whole thing

is yours, man.

Please, that's all I want.

- Nah, I don't have

any chenko, man.

I just deal, brah, okay?

But I can probably

get you some scorpions

if you wanted to grow your own.

- No, man, I want to get

high right fucking now.

I'm sick of all this

fucking hairstylers,

fucking biker gang baby

in my face bullshit, man.

What can we do here, bro?

Yo, I gotta get

rid of this thing.

You gotta sell some

fucking babies.

I gotta stick some

fucking chenko up my ass.

Let's work something

out here, bro, please.

- I don't know, man.

I mean, nah, there's

nothing I can do, man.

- Dude, you don't

want this thing?

Fine, I'll go set him

free in the parking lot

of fucking Badingos.

I don't give a shit, man.

There's gotta be

something we can do.

- All right, all right.

Calm down, dude.

Do you a favor since

I'm such a nice guy.

Give you a Zitcoin for it.

- Rad.

So I can use that to

buy some chenko, right?

- Yeah, that should be easy.

- Hit me up.

- There you go.

You got one Zitcoin, brah.

- Cody, oh my God,

Cody, are you dead?

Oh Cody.

- Oh Janeé, I thought

you were gonna be

a superstar at Angela's.

What happened to that plan, huh?

Didn't pan out, did it?

- What is she doing here?

- You don't understand.

She doesn't mean

fresh of you, Janeé.

- I called mom.

She is so pissed that you

tried to sell your baby.

She is on her way

now to kick your ass

for being such a disappointment.

She hates you now more

than she ever did before.

- Why did you call Mom?

I can't deal with Mom right now.

I can handle the

issue on my own.

- Oh you can, yeah.

You are homeless.

Your baby is on

the verge of death.

Your mom is on the way to send

your boyfriend off

to the joozy-house.

But you're on top of this?

You know, when Michelangelo

was Cody's age,

Marlo taught me to

read four books.

- No, five books.

- Five books.

I guess I don't

blame Cody, though.

It's not his fault his

brain is probably fried

from chenko smoke

and not feeding him

baby medicine when he is sick.

- Dude, I got him baby medicine.

It's right here in my

purse, you fucking bitchwad.

It is right here.

I got it for him.

Dude, where is it?

- I don't know.

- Like it was in here.

I don't know, oh my

God, no, no, no, no.

I swear to God, oh God,

it was in my purse.

It was in my purse.

- I put it in here.

- I know, I know, I know.

- 100% whale testosterone used

in ancient Japanese

warrior blends

for hundreds of years.

He used to be a fat curd.

- I gotta find that remote.

- Start taking Brogenix.

Now for the past year,

I've gotten two children,

and I'm already

working on my third.

On hot chicks, all day long.

- Awesome.

- Oh dear,

you okay there, buddy?

Can you hear me?

- Nah, what do you want?

- Well, this is

Tazel from Brogenix again.

Last time we spoke,

you were telling me

your dad's card got stolen.

If you give me the number

on the card, I can send you

that refund, and we can-

- Yeah, hold on a second.

I want to get that for you.

What the fuck, you

stop, stop calling here.

My dad's credit card is stolen.

I don't care for to pay

the phone bill neither.

- Jordan, what happened?

My credit card got stolen?

- No, Dad.

- I didn't know I

had a credit card.

Why didn't you tell me?

- You don't have a

credit card, Dad.

I was just saying that to

get this girl off my ass.

I didn't get you a credit card.

It ain't stolen.

Everything is fine.

- I gotta get out

of here, Jordan.

He won't let me go.

- Man, you probably

gotta pay bail

or some shit like that>

- I got money.

You have to get me out of here.

I can't take it any more.

- All right, fucking chill.

Where is it, I'll

bring it to you.

- It's under my desk.

Bring it all, I don't care.

And Jordan, please,

you have to tell them.

I didn't do anything.

They won't let me.

- Okay, I get the point, fuck.

- Janeé, let's go, come on.

I am gonna settle

this right now.

- Hey, but Mom, did you hear?

- Let's go.

- Cody is like in

mega meltdown mode.

- Let's go.

- He could be dying.

We need to get him

appendix drops or

Baby aspirin first.

- Like that'll help.

You poisoned him

with face paint!

You really think he's

just gonna get over it

with some pink baby goop?

- Yes, because the

internet said it.

So it must be true.

- Oh, so you to have

to read the internet

to learn how to be a bad mom.

- Where you hustling

off to, Jordan?

Come here, front and center.

I want to talk to you.

- Too bad I got

nothing to talk about.

What the fuck was that?

- Now where would this

reptile be slithering

off to at this time of night?

I'm gonna take a wild guess

and say he's going

out to buy something.

- How 'bout it's none

of your fucking business

where I go?

Why don't you back off

before I do something?

- What you gonna

do, touch screen?

Poke me?

Look at you, you

ain't a real man.

I wouldn't trust

you to tie my shoes,

let alone occupy

a goddamn country.

You know what I was doing

when I was your age?

- I don't know,

fucking your cat?

- No, I was in the

jungles of Peru,

making sure my

brothers didn't die

every single day.

- Oh, is that how you

became such a prick?

- That's why I say

we need to have

one or two more wars on just to

recycle fuckups like you

on something worth a damn.

- Look at this.

Is this it?

- Oh, what a coincidence.

Didn't we have a wad

of cash just about

that thick ripped

off from us today?

- We sure as cat did.

- That's an awful lot of money

to be carrying around

while you're high.

- Give it back.

I'm not fucking high.

- He's going right

now to the dealer's

to buy some illegal

drugs with it.

- Doesn't make any sense at all.

Seriously, that's

not even my money.

You gotta give it back.

- Oh really?

Not yours, I never

would've guessed that.

- No, it's my Dad's, I swear.

I was going over to

bail him out right now.

Hey, you can't come and

take it from me like that.

Man, it's his money

you're stealing

from me, not mine.

- You're a terrible

liar, Jordan.

- Hey, stop the car.

Man.

I should charge you

after I bail my dad out.

Bastard.

- Whoa, you can't smoke in here.

Put that shit out.

Come on, smoking.

Get the tape, are we taping?

- Yo, I said I'm putting it out.

- Come on, smoking.

- Jordan, oh, thank

God you're here.

They're making a movie about me,

and the police are in on it.

They let the cameras

into my cell.

And, and then, look, behind you.

They're back.

- He seriously needs his

medicine to shut him up.

We don't have any

cameras in here.

- Jordan, did you find my money?

It's my only way out

of this shithole.

- I did, but on my way over,

I kinda lost it,

so at the moment,

I don't actually

have your money.

- Oh, wait, hold on here.

You don't have the money?

You can't have him, if

you don't have the money.

That's what fucking bail is.

- Come on, man, can't

you just let him out?

I had it like ten

minutes ago, for real.

- You used it to go

buy drugs, didn't you?

- All right,

all right, all right.

- You're so fucked now,

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I'll kill you for this.

- Hold on, hold on.

- I know that smell.

It smells like

you've been smoking

fucking baby aspirin.

Did you seriously just walk

into a police

station high as fuck?

Hey, baby drop-off

is in the back.

- Is that Janeé's mom?

- Hey, hey, hey.

Where the fuck is he going?

Boys, get him, boys!

Get him, get him!

Get him, Choner.

Jordan!

- Jengo, we got a

bogey on the loose.

Bogey on the loose.

Fucker.

- Donut.

Open the fuck up, come on.

- Aw yeah, buffalo wings.

Ho, ho, ho.

There's hook-up city up in here.

Look at that, look at that.

DOHOG78.

- Harvey, Harvey, it sounds like

somebody's smoking down there.

- Please, can, I've been

waiting all fucking day, Donut.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean like, as soon as

my Grandma goes to sleep,

like my guy will be here soon.

- Harvey, are you smoking?

- No, Grandma, I don't smoke.

- Should I put this out?

- No, no, it's fine.

- So what time's that

Zitcoin guy gettin' here?

- Mm, just like in five minutes.

- Awesome, maybe I

can get his info.

I need a new chenko guy.

- Harvey, it

still smells like smoke.

What you doing in there?

- Nothing, Grandma.

I'm just eating buffalo wings.

- Man, you ain't even eatin'

all the chicken off of that.

Look at all that meat left.

- You want it?

Eat it.

I don't like putting

my tongue in that far.

- Hi, Grandma Donut.

- Hello, Jordan.

I didn't know you were here.

- Hell yeah, bitch,

fucking ball.

- Harvey, you know

you're not supposed

to be smoking down here.

Tobacco smoke makes

my e coli flare up?

- Why aren't you

asleep right now?

- I will be in bed

in ten minutes.

Sweetheart, please, don't smoke.

- Yo, put that down.

I wasn't even done

with that one yet.

- I'm sorry, chill.

Whoa, oh man.

Don't touch my wings.

- Yo, man, I don't

have a half hour

to wait for you to

shower after you shit.

Murphy, what are you doing here?

- Oh, don't tell me it's you.

You can have your Zitcoin back

because I'm not selling you a

goddamn thing, you sick fuck.

- Hey, I'm not the

dude who hit you up.

- Stay away from me.

You want me to bring the force?

- Hey, watch it, man.

I got sauce on my fingers.

- That microwave was

loaded with centipedes.

I junked it.

- What's that noise?

Did you just break something?

- Oh, I think I have deja vu.

What can I take in

trade this time?

How 'bout that power

drill over there?

- You can't take that.

It's not mine.

- Get the fuck out of my way.

- Ow, ow, ow.

- Shit, dude.

- Fuck, what happened?

- You just stabbed an old lady.

- No, no, I was swinging.

Oh fuck, you're right, I did.

- No, Mom, it's not gonna work.

Angela's doesn't

operate on my logic.

You can't do that.

- No, no, no.

No, no, no, Janeé.

You are going to get

a job at the dealer.

I am not going into

that salon again.

- Mom, please come back.

Can you please help me give

Cody this baby medicine?

These directions

don't make any sense.

- Yeah, it's probably

pretty hard to understand

if you don't know how to read.

- Why are you so mean to me?

It's not my fault your

life sucks just because

you decided not

to go to Angela's.

- Are you effing

seriously serious right?

My life could not be

more amazing right now.

I am so glad I

gave that shit up.

Cutting hair is

bimbo work, Janeé.

Do you wanna what kind

of people cut hair?

Goon bag morons that's who.

- Maybe if you

hadn't given it up,

you wouldn't have a stick

up so far up your ass?

- Get you off the couch

in about 13 minutes.

- Whatever.

- When whale testosterone

hits your bloodstream.

Remember, Japanese

warriors have been taking

whale testosterone for the

past eight centuries.

- Where the fuck

- is that remote?

I've seen this shit.

I'm not gonna stop looking

til I find this mother fucker.

Oh shit, there it is.

I've been looking

all over for this.

- Oh, hiya there.

It's Tazel from Brogenix again.

I want to get this

payment all settled

before I leave for the day.

If you got your

information stolen,

it's important we jump

on that right away.

I'm not sure what happened.

I think we got

disconnected last time

we talked. - No, we didn't get

- Disconnected, I

actually hung up on you.

- Brogenix,

scientifically proven.

Jordan, fucking listen to me.

Where did you say you've been?

I take it, why did

you give it to me?

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

Give the damn baby to me.

Jordan, are you fucking

listening to me?

- Give him the baby, Jordan.

- God dammit.

- Give that baby away.

Give me the baby, you fuck.

- Shit doesn't even work, man.

I'm way fucking ass high.

Where was that remote?

I saw it.

- Brogenix,

genetically alters your DNA

to be more like a new whale.

- My phone.

What the hell is this?

- Yo bro, I'm good again.

Hit me up if you need some.

- Solliver's back.

- There he is.

Oh friend, hang up.

- Hey, pop.

- I have to took you.

- Knock over my things,

I've been working

on that for six months.

- You don't want to

do this the wrong way.

We'll hold him down,

and you can beat

him, Peruvian style.

- You're lucky Walter's here.

He had to come down

and bail me out

with his own money,

you fucking son of a bitch.

- He didn't pay for shit, Dad.

Those fucking assholes came,

and they stole all your money.

I swear, I didn't lose any of it

until they took it from me.

- You had to go and

buy drugs, didn't you?

Fuck, you're high right now.

That's proof.

- Uh-huh, he is as

high as Thursday.

- What the fuck?

- I told you that's

what he was doing.

- Fuck you all.

Why do you have to be such

vaginas about everything.

- Fuck me?

Fuck me, no, fuck you.

I want you out of my house.

Leave!

- Calm down, you're

having another flashback.

Okay, I'm leaving, chill.

- We got a 17.

This is Delta One Nine.

Can you give me a

status on your location?

- I need you to kill him.

That the point.

- Choner, right here.

You can smell the

fucking chenko outside.

- I just paid you.

Get out of my house.

I don't have any more

money to give you.

- Oh, so you haven't learned

your lesson the first time, huh?

- Please, don't

arrest him again.

- Get off of him.

You can't do this.

He needs his medication.

- I don't have any

more money to give you.

Get off of me.

You can't take me back there.

I'll kill all of you.

- Oh, you

gonna make threats now?

- Dad, I can't take this shit.

I can't take this shit no more.

Man, I need chenko so bad.

My scorpion chain.

I broke my fucking

scorpion chain.

Why, scorpion gods?

Why have you forsaken me?

I need chenko.

My hat?

Where the fuck this come from?

- This fucking asshole.

- Suck my fucking dick, yo.

- What you doing man?

- That my hat.

Yo, yo, hold up, motherfuckers.

Got any chenko?

Do they have paint

on their faces?

- Hold up.

Yo, what's.

FaceFuka?

FaceFuka!

Chenko, give me chenko.

Chenko, I need some chenko.

- Geeze, don't go

blocking that shit.

- Don't got no chenko?

Man, I know you got chenko.

I wouldn't be here if you

didn't have any chenko.

Look at that chenko.

What you got, give me that shit.

I need this, let me,

let me put it in my mouth.

C'mon, you fucking broke.

Yo, you got to be high as fuck.

What you on?

Yo, bro, you are

the highest person

I've ever fucking seen.

Good for you, man.

How did you get there?

- Shit bag, chenko feind

Fuck hole, I knew it.

Jengo 17, the

bogey's been spotted.

And He's fucking dead.

- I need some chenko, bro.

You know where I can find any?

- You're just a baby?

But I hate you.

- Chenko, do you have any?

Whoa, watch, yo.

- Hey, you got a fucking ticket?

- You got a baby, go ahead.

Hey, that ain't no baby.

What's this fuck baby, yo.

- I'm entering my baby's face.

I'm gonna go let that little

motherfucker right now.

- Are you sure you

want to let me do this?

I don't know, dude.

I don't want to

fuck up your hair.

- Janeé, you can

totally cut it all off.

Give me a mohawk,

if you need to.

I just want you to be

the best haircutter

of all haircutter history.

- I fucking love you face Fuka.

- I need some chen-chen

right now, bitch.

Give me this shit.

- That's my ball.

- What the fuck is this?

This is not drugs, little girl.

This is not drugs,

little girl's mom.

Why would you not bring

drugs to a concert.

- Maybe I can like dye it

a sort of color that can

like match your skin.

- What are you doing with

those fucking scissors?

- Don't fucking move.

- Okay, fucking

chill, man, chill.

- Did you really

think I was gonna

let you get chenko today?

I shouldn't even

be here right now.

It's 11:00.

I'm supposed to be home fucking

my fat wife in the garage,

but you wanna know what

I told my fat wife?

- Unless it involves me smoking

shit load of chenko, you pissing

the fuck off, not really.

- I told Mom if you

were gonna stay here,

not to let you go to Angela's.

She has too many things

to do in the afternoon,

and nobody wants to look

after that little shit ball

while you're prancing

around in Angela land.

- I told her if I could stop

one of you shit bag fucks,

for gettin' high on dope,

I don't need to

fuck my fat wife,

when I can just fuck you.

- No, Angela's is

not negotiable.

I'm so close.

I just need like a couple

hundred bucks more, and I'm in.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- I know you're loaded.

You got that dope

ass reception gig.

Why can't you help me out?

- Nobody wants you to

touch their hair, please.

I'd rather pay for

a can full of bees

to sting me in the face

over and over and over again

than to pay for you

to go to that shit.

- Why can't you

just chill, dude.

I'm not fucking with you, bro.

There's a Billion people out

there doing the same shit.

All we wanna do is get

fucking high and just chill.

That's it.

You can't arrest all of us.

- Yes, I can.

- I'm a good person.

I got good inside me

that you know nothing about,

but I'm not gonna be

anything like you.

I'm gonna be somebody.

Angela's gonna turn me

into more of a somebody

than you will ever be.

- You really think

they're gonna let in

a girl who has a

streak that looks

like the inside of my asshole?

- Chenko makes your

life fucking retarded.

Now don't move,

and let me un-retard your

fucking retarded life.

- You goon-bag nasty bitch.

- No, man.

Without chenko,

there is no life.

- You do not pull

that shit with me.

Comb your fucking hair, bitch.

- Dijo chop, son.

- It's over, Jordan.

Don't fight it.

Can't wait to take you a place

where you'll never be able

to smoke chenko again.

- No, no!

- Hey, asshole.

- Hey asshole, where

the fuck is your ticket?

- I don't need a fucking ticket.

I'm a cop.

I go wherever the fuck I want.

- Need a ticket.

You want a baby with

your face painted on.

- I had a dream about

throwing babies out windows

That's why I wrote a song about

throwing babies out windows

Don't think too hard about it,

straightforward shit you all.

Yo, it's about that time, y'all.

You ready for this thing?

And the winner of the

chenko4life baby tattoo contest.

This mother fucker right here,

with his bloody

ass baby tattoo on.

- That's me, I'm here!

- Chenko y'all.

- A lifetime supply of chenko.

Which adds up to

about two ounces,

because if you do

it all at once,

then you gonna have a short ass

mother fucking lifetime.

- Do I need a

fucking ticket now?

- FaceFuka, it's me, FaceFuka.

FaceFuka, it's me, right here.

- Come on up here,

come on up onstage.

Let's get you fucking high.

- I'm the chenko king.

I'm a chenko king tonight.

- Chenko paraphernalia?

You can't fucking do that.

- Does he mean me?

- Hey, fuck face.

Put the fucking chenko down.

Put the chenko, put it down.

Put the fucking chenko down.

Put it down.

Put the fucking chenko down.

- Chenko!

- Everybody's under arrest.

Get on your knees

and put your hands

behind your fucking head.

You're all under arrest.

Fuck you pig!

- You ain't arresting shit.

- How could you

bring a fucking cop

to my fucking show, yo?

A fucking cop!

- Stop, everybody stop.

Everybody stop, everybody stop.

Stop.

- Oh, she's such a

fucking psychotic bitch.

I hate her.

God, I gotta get

out of here, dude.

I'm raging.

- Janeé, she doesn't know

what the fuck she's

talking about.

Believe me, you're gonna

be like the hottest,

most fucking badass

hairdressin' chick

that Angela's Superstar

School has ever seen.

Trust me.

- No, I'm not.

It's just not gonna

work out for me.

I'm never gonna get in.

I'm stupid, too, and I know it.

- Girl, come on.

You know, besides

staying with Jordan,

you are one smart ho.

- Man, this is way too

big to stick up my ass.

- I'm your girl,

and I don't know if

you know how I operate,

but Grandma Stephanie

would never let

anybody fuck this up for you.

Okay look, don't you ever ask me

who my fucking baby

daddy is, bitch.

I tapped into my abortion

fund for this shit.

- Aw, aw.

- What?

No way.

How did you do this?

- Well, I basically

called and was like,

"Hey, I'm Janeé's mom."

And they were like, "What?"

And I was like, "Bitch, you

know who the fuck I am."

- Dijo shot, bitch.

- Dude, I'm gonna fucking cry.

- It's okay. Frickin chill

Frickin' Chill,

- Columbia, this is Houston.

Go ahead, over.

- I did see

a small white object.

And it looks like.

- Hey, huh, huh?

Hey, huh?

My dick's so hard.