S#!%head: Jordan Cantwell's Epic Quest (2020) - full transcript
Jordan Cantwell's epic quest to see his favorite face-painted rapper and get as high as possible hits a snag when he is unable to score drugs and tries to sell his girlfriend's baby.
- Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic
voice message system.
- Yo!
I know it's early, I'm just
trying to score some chenko,
you know what I'm saying?
- Amanda Chongus
has a special report
on a new popular drug sweeping
hot tubs everywhere, chenko.
- Yo, I'll be
getting 20 bucks in a few,
and I'm just trying
to spend that shit.
- Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic
voice message system.
- This type of service is
completely unacceptable, yo.
Fuck you and your
fucking shitty chenko,
I'll take my business elsewhere.
- Made from a
scorpion's depleted exoskeleton,
known on the street as chenko.
Once the BCP is ingested,
it enters the bloodstream,
it interacts with the white
blood cells in the user's brain,
getting them really,
really, really high.
- Shit, man.
- Why don't
you turn it on silent?
- Man, leave the fuck alone.
- I'm saying.
- What the fuck?
Shit, fuck, fuck!
- This motherfucker
better pick up now.
- Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic
voice message system.
- Man, fuck you Soliver.
Answer!
- Lawmakers
declare Chenko illegal today
by a vote of 113 to two.
Police have instituted a new
cultural awareness program
to help them better
understand community needs.
- Your call has been forward
to an automatic
voice message system.
- Don't you fucking
move asshole!
- Look man, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean all
that shit I just said,
man, please let me buy some
chenko off you, please,
I'll seriously drink
your piss right now!
- Local officials are
gearing up to make a big push
against what they're calling
the culture of chenko,
which, thanks to
rappers like FaceFuka,
is now permeating youth culture.
- You going to black
jail, not white jail!
- Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic
voice message system.
- Should be smoking some
chenko right now, man.
Shit man,
I'm literally on my knees
begging you right now.
And you can't give me
his fucking number?
- Man, fuck you, Jordan!
- Come on, my guy's
not picking up,
I don't know nobody else.
- Nah man, I can't
give shit out like that.
I don't smoke chenko anymore.
- Fine, fuck you then, whatever.
- Fuck you, Jordan!
- Fuck, I'm almost out.
- Where the hell were you?
What, did you take a nap?
I went out there
and looked for you
and I didn't see no
goddamn Statue of Liberty.
- What do you mean, man?
I just stood by the road in this
smelly ass shit for two hours.
- What intersection
did you stand by?
- The one you told me to.
- Which one did I tell you?
- I don't know what you said,
I just went around the
corner and stood there.
- Jesus, did you at
least do the pose?
- What pose?
- The torchlight pose.
- Yeah, I had my arm up
in the air like this.
- I wanted the scintillating
light of Lady Liberty
glistening down
upon the roadside.
Beckoning all of
mankind here today
to give their blood
to the warriors,
who sacrificed their
bodies for people like you.
You know what you did?
You let them down, Jordan.
Oh, you smell like you've
been smoking chenko!
You just went out there
and got high, didn't you?
- No, I'm not high.
- Did your Pops
tell you this yet?
I've seen your kind before,
the only thing that'll
straighten you out
is to join the service and have
somebody beat some
goddamn sense into you.
- I'm not joining the army.
Shit's for fucking fags
and I don't lick
buttholes like you two.
- Here, take it.
You don't deserve
the other five.
- Whatever.
Shit!
- Fran, what was that noise?
You hear that Fran, that noise?
Come on, come on,
we have to check.
Oh, my God, what happened?
- You are my guy, yo!
See Face Fuka, StabbyD,
paint your baby's
face, get in for free.
That's right, bitches, payloads,
paint your child's
face, you get in free,
and don't forget, go
on Facebook right now
and enter the fucking
Facebook Baby Tattoo contest
for the chance to win a fucking
lifetime's supply of chenko!
- Oh, Charlie, hush!
- Oh!
Oh! - What?
- Look at you two.
Look how loud you're being.
- Dad, Dad!
- I can't give
you these presents now.
- Dad, Dad!
Dad, those VFW guys you work
with were total assholes.
They wouldn't pay me,
'cause they said they
ran out of money.
Do you think I could
get like five bucks?
- Hm.
- I just need five bucks,
that's it, take your
hand off your dick
and give me the money.
That's two bucks, fucker.
Yah! - Get off me!
- I don't wanna see
that shit right now.
- Yeah, you do.
What up with Cody's
face paint, yo?
Bitch don't you ever fuck
with a man's baby face paint.
- I think that face
paint's making him sick.
I mean, look at him, he's
all hot and fucked up.
And shit, I think there's
something wrong with him.
I mean, look at him, doesn't
he look weird to you?
- Man, babies can't get sick,
fucking chill, all right.
- They can't?
- No.
- Face paint ain't
gonna fuck him up.
FaceFuka never
takes his paint off,
'cause it protects
you from AIDS.
- Yeah, but as soon as you
put that shit on his face,
he started acting
like super retarded.
- He probably got pissed off,
'cause you took his FaceFuka
paint off, I don't know.
- No, I Doogled it.
I think this could
be like really bad.
You gotta take him to the
baby-ologist like today.
- Leave me alone, yo!
I can't bankroll his
sickness at the moment.
Man, you know how much fucking
chenko I gotta smoke tonight?
- Jordan, you gotta take him
somewhere while I'm working.
I'm like freaking out!
Okay, if he dies, I don't
want it to be my fault,
and I think he might die.
- Man, he'll be good.
Besides, he loves it, look.
- Baby, see.
You know what I'm saying, babe?
Come on, just show
me your titties.
Just suck my dick, come on.
- Not right now,
somebody's at the door.
- Fucking Stephanie.
I'm gonna punch
her in the balls.
- If you do that again, I'll
rip your fucking face off!
- What the fuck
do you want, Stephanie?
- Fuck you, Jordan.
Move out of my fucking way!
- No one wants you here.
Janee just told me two
seconds ago not to let you in.
- Shut the fuck up.
Where is she?
- Getting dressed, chill.
- Actually, I wanna
talk to you too.
- Fuck off, what?
- My Mom caught my
little brother smoking
chenko yesterday,
you piece of shit.
I know it was you
who sold it to him.
- I don't sell anything.
Why would it be me?
- Exactly, he doesn't
know any dealers.
Where else is he
gonna get it from?
- Leave me the fuck alone.
I don't even smoke chenko.
- I'm telling you, that
paint's gonna give him
hardcore ear problems today.
He's gonna grow up mega
retarded like Jordan.
- I don't know, I mean,
his ears seemed fine.
- Babies are like little
microwaves inside.
They'll just keep heating
up until they pop.
- Oh my God, really?
- Yeah.
- You gotta buy it for him ASAP
or his appendix is gonna melt.
If you don't get him some today,
he's gonna be fucked.
- Yeah, well,
- I asked Jordan for
some money to get some.
- Yeah, what'd he say?
- Hm?
What's up, girl?
- Hey Jordan, send me
a picture of your dick,
and I'll show you my asshole.
- You know what, I?
- Jordan!
- What, Dad?
- Where's my pills?
I can't find it
anywhere, Jordan!
- I don't know, Dad!
I didn't touch your pills!
Alright, I'm coming!
- Get ready, it's Dijo Time!
Aw yeah Buffalo Wings!!
Not in my house!
Not my house, bitch.
You can't dunk on dijo.
He's twelve feet tall!
- Harvey.
Somebody's here for you, Harvey.
- Excuse me, guys, I have to go,
yell at my grandma.
- Harvey, Harvey.
- What, Grandma?
What do you want?
- Who is this here, Harvey?
Who is this here?
- Hold on, everybody.
The rest of my wings are here.
- Here you go,
two family-size orders
of South Korean style,
extra buffalo, buffalo wings.
All right?
- Eat me, Donut.
Buffalo wings are
good for you, Donut.
Eat me.
- Please.
Don't leave.
- Um, Jordan, uh,
while you're at home
watching Cody today,
you know, don't go nowhere, and
please don't make any
fuckin' deals at the house.
- Oh my God, you're
seriously gonna trust
this fucked up
mongreed piece of shit
with a life of
another human being
for more than 13 seconds?
- He'll be fine.
- Just make sure you
fuckin' feed him.
- Fuck off, fat bitch.
Can't take this out
of your cunty voice.
- Are they still letting
you skip third period?
- Oh my God.
They never give
me a hard time now
when I come in late for class.
Like I'll just tell
the receptionist,
I have a hardcore pink taco,
and she'll pretty much write
me a pass for whatever.
- Oh, uh, well, do
you think you could
stop by the house
on your way home,
and just, you know,
check up on Jordan?
- It's seriously so sad that
you have to ask me that.
If I knew who my kid's
dad was and he was around,
I would never let
him be this dumb.
- Okay, calm your tits.
Janeé, I fucking love you,
but he makes you stupider,
and you can't trust him
not to fuck things up.
- I trust him.
- Did you tell him about those
hair-cutting classes
you want to take?
- Freaking,
chill, leave me alone.
I'm gonna tell him
about Angela's, duh.
Look, I'm gonna be late.
Please just promise me that
you'll check up on him.
- Oh, I'll be here.
I can't even imagine
what that fucker's
up to while you're gone.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Murphy.
- I don't really understand
why you understand,
what you meant
there in that text.
What the fuck does B-A-F-L mean?
- Bring a fucking lot.
I thought you'd know that one.
- Nope.
- Look, um, I don't know if
you're gonna be cool with this,
but fucking, I was like, he'd
pissed if I didn't ask, right.
- What?
Dude, you mind turning
this down, man?
This is fucking annoying.
- Nah, I lost the remote, dope.
- You mind fucking changing
the channel or something?
This is fucking ridiculous.
- Nah, the channel buttons
on the TV are broke, too.
- So, by a fucking lot,
you mean a full
or a half sleeve?
- Give me a full one.
- And John
says taking it to the corner,
and oh, stolen by Dijo.
Not in my house.
Personally, I think they
should just retire this sport,
because there's nobody
here that's ever going
to be better at basketball
than Dijo, ever.
- Do you ever think
Dijo thinks about me?
- I don't know,
but I know Dijo thinks about me.
- No way.
I'm like the biggest
Dijo fan ever.
- Second biggest.
I'm the biggest Dijo fan ever.
- No, but you don't understand.
I live in a wonderful world.
Dijo.
- Not in my house.
- Here you go.
You got the money?
- Um, see, well,
that's the thing.
Uh, right now,
little low on funds.
- Why'd you tell me to
bring all this shit over?
- I got you.
I'll have those really tonight,
but if you can't wait.
I can do something
else right now.
Check this out.
I will give you $17.14 in
quarters, nickels, and dimes.
Two one-dollar bills,
a pack of gum, Tornado
Hackers on DVD,
this filter for a humidifier
that I found in my dad's closet,
some balloons,
and one bottle of Brogenix
testosterone supplement,
practically unused.
Yo, that Brogenix
alone is worth like
12 payments of $19.95.
So whatever that adds up
to, you is getting it.
- Jordan, Jordan!
Who you talking to?
- I'm not talking
to anyone, Dad.
- Your nose is bleeding.
- What?
- Yo, I thought you were
gonna have some cash.
- Nah, man, I'm gonna
borrow to get some cash.
Man, you don't want to take
that stuff right there.
It's fine.
I'll have your money
for you later tonight,
100% guaranteed.
You know, I do a little
pushin' on the side myself.
All I got to do is sell
a couple seed bags.
Yo, my people front
me shit all the time.
Don't worry.
- Jordan, Jordan!
Are you talking about me?
- What, Dad?
I'm talking to a fucking friend.
- Jordan, Jordan, Jordan!
- I just need to
see your dick again.
Come on, Jordan, send me some.
Send me some pictures, please?
Come on, send me some
pictures, please?
- Is that a fucking baby?
- Everything's
cool, fucking chill.
Y'all, man, you
ain't gotta worry
about that motherfucker.
He's always like.
It's like, yeah, my dad just
took a lot of acid, that's all.
- What, right now?
- No, like 20 years ago.
He was homeless for a while,
then he joined the army.
Then he got really into acid.
It's just how he is.
It's best not to piss him off.
He will literally
try to kill you.
- All right, I'm gonna
call you at eight o'clock.
I'm taking this shit, but
I still want that money.
No excuses.
Fucking loser.
- Great.
- Jordan, Jordan!
- I've explained it
to you four times already.
I don't know how much
more simple to make this.
Listen, all we
need is baby's DOB,
and then I can set up
the appointment for you,
but you can't just walk in here.
- I don't, I don't know
what the fuck that is.
- Get off the phone, Janeé.
- Fuck, he's back.
- Janeé, listen.
Maureen's 12:30 doesn't
want any Angela products
in her hair.
So look, I put some dish
detergent in a bottle.
Just use that, she'll never
know the difference, okay?
- Daphne, listen.
I'm so, so, so sorry,
but I can't make
the last payment for
Angela's Superstar
program. - What?
- Oh, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
- Cody's appendix is gonna melt,
and like, it's super retarded.
Like I called all
these baby-ologists,
and they're all like, nah,
we won't take him without
stupid fucking money.
- Do you have any idea how
this is gonna make Angela feel?
Angela has feelings, Janeé.
- Dude, come on.
Look, that guy's come
back again, creepin' on.
- Eh, he throws me five
bucks just to sit there,
and I don't see a
thing wrong with it.
Go deal with the clients.
- No, that's the thing.
You got the cash for that, man?
Dude, I gotta make a run.
- Nah, I'll have to get
you later with the cash.
- Fuck man.
I haven't even
sampled that shit yet.
- It's not that great.
- Yo, well.
I'll let you have it,
if you do me a favor.
- What is it?
- Just watch my baby
for like five minutes.
- Aw, man, I gotta smoke chenko
and play video games.
I can't help you.
- Fuck your video games then.
Get up out of here, man, vamos.
What's that smell?
- Yo, dude.
- Man, where are you?
You said you would be here
an hour ago.
- I know, fucking chill.
- Wah-wah-wah-wah, wha-wah-wah.
Get over here, now.
- All right, fucking chill.
I'm leaving right now.
I'll be right there.
- Yeah, sure.
- Fuck.
If everyone just let me
get high for two seconds.
I don't have time for this.
I gotta go.
Dad, I need you
to watch the baby.
- Baby, what baby?
- You never noticed
that a baby lives
in your fucking house before?
- Don't fucking curse at me.
- Listen, Dad, just stand there,
and look at the fucking thing.
I'll be back in five minutes.
- God dammit.
- Brandenburg Dental,
this is Raneé speaking.
How can I help you?
- Dude, it's me.
- Janeé, where the
fuck are you right now?
Mom is so fucking pissed.
I know that you killed
that baby, didn't you?
- No, shut up.
I know what I'm doing.
I told you I'm not
gonna kill him.
Dude, this was a bad idea.
- Bad idea, yeah, just like
your life was a bad idea.
- Excuse ma'am.
- Excuse me, I need to
tell this bitch off.
Fuck you.
I am the motherfucking Napoleon
of making genius babies.
I know what happened.
I can see it now.
Cody's in a dumpster.
You don't even
have to apologize.
- No, Cody's not sick or dying
or anything like that.
He's doing super
fucking awesome.
Thank you for asking, bitch.
- Right.
You know, Michelangelo
doesn't have time to get sick.
He wouldn't do that to us.
- Well good for Michelangelo.
- I have a big boy job
that I need to get back to.
Why the fuck are you calling me?
- I need money.
- No.
- Dude, come on.
I can't have all this.
Angela's, come on, you know
how much this means to me.
- How the fuck did you do that?
No, not, still no, not
even considering it,
and don't ask Mom, either.
She hates you forever, goodbye.
- Please, come on,
I'll pay you back.
Look, I lied.
Cody's super sick, okay?
It sucks.
I got a job with Angela,
and this is my shot.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- That's sad, Janeé.
- Oh my, fucking bitch.
- Yo, Jordan.
- Yo, what it do?
Got here as fast as I could.
You still gonna be
able to do this?
- Did you finally
get that money.
- Yes, I did.
- Hold on one second.
I don't know where
you got this from,
but it's not enough.
- Shit, man, you sure?
I thought that
was a lot of cash.
- Oh, there is, but
it's mostly ones.
- What about that
discount I was getting?
- Even with your
friend discount,
this will cover you
about a sixth, at most.
- Okay, well would
you maybe do it
in installments,
like a sixth now,
and then you know, we
could do the rest later on?
- I don't see why not.
All right, so this where
you wanted that turkey.
- Yeah, like blam,
all about the size
of my left shoulder there.
- Okay.
And you're sure this is
the design you want to do?
You don't want to
go with the spider,
with big tits, right,
a skull, motorcycle.
- Spiders are badass,
but I'm gonna have
to stick with the baby picture.
Tryin' to win a
shitload of chenko
from FaceFuka's
baby tattoo contest.
You know what I'm talkin' about?
Hey, you want to see
some pregnant titties?
- Jordan, are you filming me?
- No, bitch.
Givin' me shit, man.
He don't love the baby.
He never do nothing for it.
I'm like, shit.
I'll show you how
much I love that baby,
fucking bitch.
Get his face burned
into my shoulder.
What you goin' to do about that?
- Okay, so you doin' all this,
just to prove to her
that you're right,
and she's wrong,
even though she is
probably kind of right.
- No.
Man, I know that
thing's annoying
and expensive as fuck,
but I'm like, fine.
I'll let it stick around
as long as you
just fucking chill.
- I don't know what you
guys are fighting about,
but you don't want
to keep a baby.
You don't got to keep a baby.
- What do you mean?
- Well, there's ways.
There's people you can call,
people who might be
interested in helping you out
with those kind of problems.
- Wait.
For real?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's Dijo time.
It's Donut time.
Dijo time.
Donut time.
Donut time.
- Dad?
- I feel sick.
- Look what you did.
I ain't cleaning that up.
Get your big, behemoth
ass off the floor, man.
- Who got me sick?
Is somebody sick in this house?
- Man, I don't know.
Chill, yo.
Wipe your mouth off.
- Where's all the Robitussin?
You used it to get
high, didn't you?
- No, Dad, I
don't touch the Robitussin.
- Answer the goddamn phone.
I gotta get some cough medicine.
You need anything
from the drugstore
while I'm out?
I can get you something
if you're sick.
- No, Dad, nobody's
sick, just go.
What?
- Hello, there, buddy.
This is Tazel from Brogenix.
How you making out
with the year supply?
- Yeah, we didn't actually
order any of that.
I think someone stole my
dad's credit card number.
You know what I'm saying?
- Oh, you betcha.
No wonder, I see you made one
of the payments by cash here.
Let me see if I can
- Can I talk to you
- some other time, uh, please?
- Oh, sure.
- Yo, man, you
gotta stop telling
your fat fucking
sister about this.
I don't know want to have to
karate chop her in the throat.
- What happened
to your shoulder?
- Just got a banging new tattoo.
- What'd you get a tattoo of?
- Uh, spiders,
just a lot of work
I gotta get done
on it, though.
- Oh, that's gay.
- No, man, that ain't gay.
Look, I don't got no baggies,
so I'm gonna break it up here.
You both wanted one?
- What kind of chenko is this?
I don't want this dirt.
- Shit, son.
You don't know what's good.
This is 100% pure scorpi-dust,
straight from Peru.
- I don't believe you.
It's not even that dark.
- No, man, look.
It's some of the best
chenko I ever smoked.
Check it out.
So you got that 600 bucks?
- Dude, run!
- Hey, get back here.
- Fuck you, loser.
- Ow.
- Yeah, I'll drop it off,
but I'm not doing cash anymore.
I keep getting fucked over.
I'm switching over to Zitcoin.
It's just.
- Pu-damn.
Getting a baddass tattoo.
Fuck you all.
- Sweet xenu
- Vote for me.
In the FaceFuka
baby tattoo contest,
hashtag dontBEaBITCH.
- You got a fucking tattoo.
You got a fucking tattoo.
You said you were broke.
- Look, Janeé, you don't
need to call a doctor.
You just need to
buy baby aspirin.
Pour like half the
bottle in his face,
and he'll calm the fuck down.
- Freakin' chill.
What am I gonna do?
I'm like freaking out, man.
Look, just please promise me
that you'll call as soon
as you get there, okay?
- Off the phone, Janeé.
Angela is not happy.
You can't quit the program.
- What do you mean?
- Angela won't allow it.
The salon sponsored
you for this,
and if you don't go, do you know
what Angela's gonna do to me?
I have a family, Janeé.
- Dude, I can't pay for it.
- Angela doesn't care, Janeé.
You have to pay, you have to.
- Uh, Janeé.
- Hey.
- Hey, Janeé, uh,
do you know where I
can skiz some chenko?
- No, I don't do that shit.
- Oh, damn, I thought
maybe your bae was
still dealing seed bags.
- Jordan?
No.
- I'll give you $20
if you can score
some fucking chenko today.
Please I'm skeevin, yo.
I can't find shit around here.
- I'm so broke right now.
- You know, you need money.
Bundy over there
will pay you $500
to bend him and call
him a little princess
and tickle his butthole.
He tells me like
five times a day.
- Um, no.
Um, let me text Jordan.
He's literally always got stuff.
He can hook you up with
some dope-ass chenko.
- Oh, dope.
I will give you that
twenty when I am done work.
Thanks, girl.
- Brandenburg Dental,
this is Raneé speaking.
What the fuck do you want?
- Uh, I'll just call back.
- Angela.
Why?
Givebacks.
- Bleed on this, bitch.
Hashtag FaceFuka,
Hashtag Chenko4Life.
- Jordan, where are you?
- I'm in the bathroom.
I'm gonna fucking
stab those kids.
- Jordan! Jordan!
Jordan, where are you?
Jordan, where are you?
Oh, there you are, Jordan.
You're not gonna believe this.
Somebody robbed the
VFW this morning.
- Oh, that sucks.
- Some guy came in
and ran out the door
with one of them charity boxes
for vets with no legs.
What kind of scum would do that?
I'm going over there right now
to help them find
out who did this.
You can't fool us vets.
- Man, where's that remote?
Fuck, I just want one
hit of chenko, just one.
Fuck.
That's not gonna work.
- It's important at
the first sign of illness
to administer baby
aspirin to your child.
Without baby aspirin,
your baby has
a frighteningly higher
chance of dying.
100% pure baby aspirin,
it cools their bones
and dulls their
sense of awareness,
so there sickness
starts to melt away.
- Yeah?
- Jordan, I
want that money back.
- Who is this?
- You know damn
well who this is.
Don't play games with
me, you hamburger.
We know it was you
who stole from us.
I'm coming by your house
- Fuck you.
- tonight for that money.
You hand it over.
I swear I won't tell your dad
or anyone else what happened.
THat's a fair offer.
- How 'bout you give me
that other five bucks
you screwed me on this morning,
and I won't tell
everybody how much
of an old doucher you are.
- Don't worry
about that chenko later.
I'm good.
- But Dee, come on.
I need that money.
My baby's all sick, he's like...
- Okay, that's really cute.
You should probably talk
to Bundy over there.
He's really not so bad,
takes like 30 seconds.
Helps me pay my rent.
- I don't think you
realize what is coming
down on you, if you
don't surrender it now.
- Whatever, I gotta go.
Oh, what's up, dude.
Yo, I was gonna call you.
I'm sorry that I...
- That's not gonna work.
Where's my money?
- Um, well, that's the thing.
- See, you don't
have it, do you?
- Technically, no, I don't.
- And you're not gonna pay
me, either, today, are you?
- Probably not.
- Where's my fucking chenko?
- Hey, where you going?
Hey, hey.
Get out of here, hey.
Don't touch that.
- I don't like to
be fucked with.
Where is it?
- I kind of lost it, yo.
- Oh really, you wanna
revise your answer?
- I told you, I fucking lost it.
I don't have it, dude.
Fuck the ass, dude,
I don't have it.
- Well, where did it go?
Two zinolas of chenko
does not just vanish
into thin fucking air.
- I was robbed, yo,
by little fucking bikers, dude.
Look, yeah, I don't have
your cash right now,
but maybe, maybe
we can make a deal
for something else?
- Um, uh, hey there.
- You buy some pills?
- Wait, don't take that.
That's my dad's anti-acid
flashback medicine.
There's so much acid
still in his spine
if he doesn't take it,
he gets really bad
trips, like all day long.
Seriously, you can have
anything else but that.
Come on, man.
There's other valuable shit
in here you could take.
- What the fuck?
- Uh, dude, are you okay?
- Whoa, excuse me, buddy.
You can't die in here.
- I don't care.
Take the baby.
Yeah, you want it?
It's yours.
I hear you can get
like five grand
for a fresh baby on eBay.
Just sell it, and with
the money I owe you,
you can toss me like
an extra two onions
and we'll call it even, yo.
- I'm not taking
your fucking kid.
Don't ever call me again,
you sick piece of shit.
- Fuck off, Stephanie,
where did you come from?
- Oh my, seriously,
did you just try to fucking do
what I think you fucking did?
- No, Stephanie, I didn't.
- Wait until
Janeé finds out about this.
- Can I help you?
- Hi, uh, do you have
any baby aspirin?
- Yeah, sure.
- I'm taking Cody with me.
He is not safe with you here.
- What are you doing?
Isn't that like baby-napping
or something? - Call the cops.
- I don't give a fuck.
- Fine, you need a fucking baby.
I didn't realize you
teach all day long.
Whoa, you can't take my baby.
You fat bitch, I already
fucking got you pregnant
and gave you a baby.
I wanted to keep that one.
Hey.
What the fuck it.
- Tell her she's got the salami.
I'm not talking to her again.
- I thought we had a good
thing going here, Jordan.
I'm just sittin' here all alone,
snorting some chenko,
thinking of you.
- Chenko.
- Fuck, yeah it is.
I got some chen', chen'.
Keep showin' me that dick,
and I'll bring your ass some.
- About 13 minutes.
- Scorpion chain don't
make it no bigger.
Dangle this bad boy
next to my dick.
She'll love it.
Fuck is it now, man?
- It's all right.
Jordan.
Guess what I just got,
just like her cash.
- I don't know, Donut.
I don't fucking care.
- I just got diabetes,
which now I got this pill
that's like making me shit
like a lot, which means more
No, I been trying to hit you
all the. - Up for chenko
- all fucking day, man.
Where the fuck you been?
Did you just reach
inside your belly button
and smell the shit
that was inside?
- Oh, yes, so gross.
- What the fuck is
wrong with you, Donut?
Get off my lawn.
I'm going back inside.
You don't want to help
me get some chenko?
Eat a dick, then.
- Wait, come on, I...
I got chenko.
We can snort some lines,
and like eat some BaDingos.
- Chenko.
- Yeah, let's get
some food up in this bitch.
- Dang, yo, start that shit up.
Get in the fucking car, man.
You run over a skunk, bro?
- I'm just gonna have, yo,
you gonna have some
wings on the way?
No, you cannot have any wings.
- Yo, where the fuck
your chenko at, yo?
- Right there.
- Come on, I ain't
been out all day.
I just need to do
a hit real quick.
This is a bomb,
fucking chenko, yo.
We're gonna get so
fucking high, man.
- Man, you look fine.
- I know.
- God.
- It smells like tree bark.
- Who the fuck is calling me?
- Yo, give me a hit.
- Who the fuck you are?
I'll fix up my own bong.
- Janeé, you better thank me.
I just got off the phone
with that cuntoid, Angela,
and you know what
she just said to me?
What is it with
you and the phone?
Can't anyone around
here stop the texting
for two seconds?
- Nah, I better stick
it up my asshole.
Work way faster.
- As long I've been sending
- girls to Angela's
Superstar School,
I've never seen them
make any exceptions
for anybody, ever.
- Whoa, you can't take off
bump-bump while I'm driving.
- It's cool, yo.
I haven't chenkoed all day.
I'm just trying to get
really fucking high.
- But I told
them about your dumb ass
and that sick baby
of yours at home.
God dammit, would you
just answer that already?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, stop.
Put your ass away.
There's a cop right over there.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- I'm sorry, it's my
friend, Stephanie.
I don't know what she wants.
What did they say?
- Two hours.
Angela promised to
not break your legs
and give you an extension
on the last payment
for two hours.
- Fucking chill already, fuck.
- You're still in
it for now, honey,
but don't make me
look like a chump.
- What?
What do you want?
- I'm gonna eat so much food,
and then I'm gonna shit so much.
I wonder what we should get.
We should split some Scuzzers.
- I ain't got no money.
- Shit, I ain't buying
you nothing, you bitch.
- He's gonna die.
Chenko time, motherfucker.
- Can I get four Dijo buckets,
six orders of Buffalo Choppers,
three Scuzzers,
a BaDingo burger.
- Sure, is this family-sized?
- No, just for me.
- Ooh, we can take
a little more.
- Yeah, we can
add some M&M'S on that.
- Dijo.
- Fuck, fuck, where the fuck.
Fuck.
- Um, do you actually have
any breakfast cereal as well?
- Um, yeah, we do actually.
- Oh shit.
- Well, my dude.
- Fuck it, still
got time for a hit.
He's moving at
Brontosaurus speed.
- Dijo, my man.
Holy shit, what the
fuck happened, Jordan?
Were you trying to
steal my chenko?
- Uh, no.
- On behalf of child services,
I'd like to thank
you for reporting
the baby found in
the dumpster earlier.
We take dumpster
babies very seriously
here at child services.
We're gonna go ahead and launch
a full investigation, okay?
- Amazing.
- Do you have any idea
where the mother
might be located?
- Um, yeah.
I've got that for
you right here.
- Roger, Jengo 17,
we got some potential
shit bags on bicycles
in the woods on Chester.
I'm gonna go see what
these guys are doing.
- Roger that, Choner.
- Give me some
fucking c-bags, yo.
- What you, what
are you like eight?
Where's your money, kid?
- Don't fucking move.
Don't fucking move, shot.
- Choner, we
got reports of gunshots
fired in your vicinity.
Please respond.
- 17, yeah I just got
attacked by a group of boys
high on chenko.
- Are you in danger?
- Yes, I'm fearing
for my life right now.
Oh, shit.
You're gonna tell me
exactly where you got
this fucking chenko from,
or else I'm gonna stick so many
things up your fucking ass,
you're gonna
bleeding for a month.
I have every size nightstick
in the trunk of my police car.
Some are black, some are white,
some are even Asian, which
you might even enjoy.
Let me tell you something.
You are not gonna enjoy
when I put the black one in.
- Dude, don't I have
the right remain silent?
- What?
No. - Okay.
- Uh, well.
- Told you, it's
not my fault, man.
Couldn't find a tissue
or nothing in your car.
You need to keep
some napkins around.
Besides, what's the big deal?
You told me it only
cost five bucks.
- Doesn't mean I want you to get
nosebleed city on my shit.
- Man, I'll clean
it up, I promise.
- Well, then go do it then,
you bloody nose havin' bitch.
- Let's just go get high first,
then I'll wipe
down all the blood
and vacuum the whole thing.
Come on, please.
Just let me do one hit, Donut.
- Jordan, do you
know where the pills are?
- No, Dad, I didn't
open anything.
- Oh, there you are.
Jordan, have you seen my pills?
I can't find them.
- No, Dad, I don't know
who took your pills.
- They were right here,
and they're gone again.
Jordan, remember
where I put them.
- I don't know, did you
look in the bathroom?
- Bathroom?
I don't put my pills
in the bathroom.
- You got five minutes.
- Five minutes til what?
- Five minute to pay us back,
or we'll tell your dad,
and we'll all whoop you good.
- Man, I give you five minutes
to get the fuck out my face.
I ain't stole shit.
- Jordan, Jordan, get in here.
Where else can I look?
- I'm not screwing
around here, you lizard.
You first Peruvian
war vet right here.
I can smell the
lies on your breath.
- Fucking asshole.
- Hey!
- What are you doing home?
Ain't you supposed to
be working overtime?
- Jordan, I don't have my pills.
You gotta help me find them.
- I don't know, Dad.
I cannot look right now.
- I came home as soon as
Stephanie told me what you did.
This is the worst
possible fucking thing
you could've done, Jordan.
- Who the fuck.
- Don't be so loud.
- Just fucking chill, okay?
- No, I'm done chilling.
I'm done fucking chilling.
- I need my pill now.
- Whatever Stephanie said
she saw was a total.
I didn't try to sell anything.
She's wrong, I swear,
I wouldn't do that.
- Time's up, Jordan.
Is there something you
want to tell your dad?
- What, no, man.
- Jordan,.
- That's the guy.
That's him right there.
- I just caught this
kid smoking chenko
in the middle of the woods.
He said it was you
who sold it to him.
Is that true? - No, Officer.
- I don't know who this
little fucking doucher is.
- Are you sure it's
this fucking dickhole?
- Yeah.
- Put your hands up
against the wall.
Come on, turn around.
I coulda just smelled
the chenko on you.
We'll go wrist deep
in your fucking ass.
- No, Dad, no one's here, man.
I didn't sell shit to
them little kids, man.
Whatever they told you is
not fucking true, all right?
- Somehow, you're clean,
which is a miracle,
just looking at your dirty ass,
but now I gotta
search the premises.
- Oh, come on, Jordan,
you never plugged up this thing.
- What is this?
- Uh, yeah, that's uh,
one of those things,
uh, what you call?
- Chenko pipe?
- Nah, that's not it.
- I don't even
know what to think.
You have more chenko memorabilia
than I have ever seen
in my entire life.
Yet you say no to drugs.
You got some fucking balls.
- There's something
I need to tell you.
- Fuck, mother fuck, bitch.
- Ah, help me,.
- Hey, you know how dangerous
a drug like chenko is?
I'll tell you.
I've seen it myself.
It puts holes in your dick.
- Oh my God, I'm stuck.
- Stop.
- Who's here?
I don't see anybody.
- Hold on, I'll be right back.
I'm not goin' far.
Just stay here for him.
- Don't leave me with him.
- I don't wanna
hear you try to pull
some shit to get back
at that kid, either.
You understand me?
- Yeah, is that it?
- Excuse me, Officer,
but there's something I
need to discuss with you.
- No, there isn't.
Shut the fuck up, Walter.
- What is it?
- I'm a have to, kid.
- You didn't give me a chance.
- This man.
Committed a crime.
- Jesus Christ, what now?
- Would you help me?
- Who the hell are you?
- Help me.
- Donut.
- Fuck, that's
assault on an officer.
You're under arrest,
you fucking fat fuck.
What happened to
you, raisin man?
Did he do that to you?
Okay, that's double
aggravated assault.
You're under arrest,
you fat fuck.
Get up.
Come on, you fucking
cannibal, let's go.
Come on, you fucking
fat piece of shit.
- Wait, Officer, I wanted
to tell you something.
- Look, come down to the station
if you want to file a report.
I gotta take care of this
knuckle, hey, hey, come on!
- You don't know what
this kid did to me.
- Let's go, close the door.
- You don't know how bad he is.
- See you later,
Jordan, I gotta go.
- Donut.
- What?
- Can I eat your wings?
- No.
- But Officer, we use that money
to buy wounded vets
prosthetic limbs.
- Look, I told you,
I don't give a shit.
Hey.
Where you going?
- Uh, uh, uh.
- What the fuck is this?
- He got a nosebleed.
Don't take my car, please.
Jordan, Jordan, please.
Jordan, Jordan, please.
- I gotta run these plates.
- Oh come on, I just...
- Shut the fuck up, don't move.
- Jordan!
- Whatever.
Why the fuck are you such
a shitty fucking nose?
- Jordan, I'm comin'
over right now.
My vagina's on fire,
and you gotta help
me put it out.
I'm comin' right now,
Jordan, right now.
- You're such an asshole.
- What?
What'd I do?
- You know you fucking did.
- Oh the baby thing?
Come on.
You're gonna believe Stephanie?
She got it all wrong.
He asked me to sell it,
and I was like no, no way,
not in a million years, man.
That's my baby boy.
- Really?
You didn't try to sell him?
- No.
I would never do that, come on.
- But give it, why was
there even a guy here?
You were supposed
to be watching Cody,
not fucking with your friend.
- I know, I wasn't
gonna say anything,
but he was only here cause
he was trying to sell me
some off the market
baby medicine.
They got this dope shit that
the government
won't let you have,
curing babies left
and right of all kinds
of fucked-up diseases only
you don't hear about it
because it's super
underground, man.
- Really?
Well, I don't know about that.
Did you get some?
- No, yeah, he actually came
and tried to rob me,
but all he got off
with was the microwave.
- Seriously, Jordan, you
didn't need to do that.
- Well, hey.
That's my baby boy.
I'll risk myself
like that for him.
Look, I was gonna
try and surprise you,
but I might as
well show you now.
You think I don't
love that baby?
Check this out.
I'm getting his fucking face
tattooed on my fucking back.
- Shit, Jordan.
How much did you spend on that?
Don't you think we
coulda put that money
towards something
a little better?
- No, what's a better
way to show you
how much I love my baby boy,
and how wrong you
were that I didn't.
There isn't one.
- Okay, I didn't tell you,
but Daphne got me into Angela's
Haircut Superstar classes.
If you do this, you get
all certified to cut
people's hair, and
I think it would be
really good for us, you know,
to help pay for Cody?
Hairstylists make mad loot.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I really only
needed a little bit
more money to get in, so,
maybe you could go
back to your tattoo guy
and tell him you don't
want the rest of it,
and we could put that money
towards something
else, like me, myself,
and my haircut classes.
- All right.
I'll do it.
- Fucking Jordan,
why can't you just
not fuck up for once?
- Man, how'd I fuck up?
I already explained
to you what happened?
It's not my fault Stephanie came
and stole our baby.
- Oh my, oh yeah, we,
we gotta go over there
and get him back.
I don't want Cody
to forget my face.
I mean, how are you
gonna sell a baby?
That's so ridiculous.
You couldn't do that.
- You mean, you never
heard of that shit?
For fresh white babies, shit.
I hear you can pull in
like five, ten K at least.
- Yeah, but who would do that?
- Well, if you think about it,
it's not really
that bad of an idea.
I mean, you could take
them haircut classes
you been talking about,
and I could finish up my tattoo,
maybe get a few
more killer ones,
like spiders, shit,
with that type of money,
you could be covered
with spiders.
- Yeah, but 10K would never
begin to make up for Cody.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Maybe we should ask for more.
- What?
- Nothing, I mean,
if you ever decided, you know,
that you didn't want him
anymore, I do know a guy.
- Did you seriously
just say what
I thought you just said?
- Maybe.
- I cannot believe
you've been lying to me.
This entire time, Stephanie
was telling me the truth,
and you made me think my
best friend was lying to me?
What the hell, what's that?
- Jordan!
I got your chenko.
Ooh, look at you.
You just as cute
as your pictures.
Ooh, look.
I got your chain.
- Who the fuck are you, bitch?
I will slice your tits off.
- Look, ain't he so beautiful?
- Those were super
special to me.
How could you send
those to her, Jordan?
- Man, it was an accident.
We talked about this.
I do that sometimes when
I'm really fucking high.
- You can't say that when
you're always fucking high.
- I'm not high right now.
I don't even have any chenko.
I've been looking for it
all fucking day.
- I'll give you all
the chenko you want.
I'll give you all
the chenko you want.
Please.
- Hey, don't take my dick out.
- Just take your dick out,
- That's not your dick.
- Please, Jordan.
- That's my dick.
- Hey, wait a minute.
What's going on?
- If you want to get fucked up
with your chick horse,
go right a-fucking-head,
I won't stop you.
Oh, fuck you.
- Give me that dick.
- Please, please.
I'll pull my dick out.
I'll stick it anything
you want, please.
All I want is one hit
of chenko, please.
Just one chenko hit, please.
Just a little chenko.
- Really?
- Fuck you, Donut.
- Man, this is
bullshit city, man.
Dude, fuck.
- Here, sniff this off my titty.
Wait, no you can't,
don't touch it.
You gotta sniff it
up my ass first.
Sike.
- Aw, fuck you, bitch.
Give me a hit.
- Oh, Jordan, oh,
Jordan, it burns.
I'm burning up.
I don't know why it's
doing this, Jordan.
Just make right, top it, eat up.
It's time to eat
these green peas
that grandmama made.
Eat it up, eat 'em up, Jordan.
Clean it up.
Eat up, Jordan.
Eat up
What the fuck?
Oh what the fuck is?
What the fuck?
- What the fuck is that?
- Make it stop.
A damn baby popped out.
- Get away from me.
I don't want nothing to
do with them slime people.
- Baby.
Yo Dude...
I think I got something
you might want.
Where's the product?
- Right over here, yo.
Gettin' a good deal.
This is a fresh
fucking baby, brah.
- Whoa, dude. What the fuck?
That ain't your kid!
Fuck, man!
I don't even give a fuck.
Just give me some chenko,
and the whole thing
is yours, man.
Please, that's all I want.
- Nah, I don't have
any chenko, man.
I just deal, brah, okay?
But I can probably
get you some scorpions
if you wanted to grow your own.
- No, man, I want to get
high right fucking now.
I'm sick of all this
fucking hairstylers,
fucking biker gang baby
in my face bullshit, man.
What can we do here, bro?
Yo, I gotta get
rid of this thing.
You gotta sell some
fucking babies.
I gotta stick some
fucking chenko up my ass.
Let's work something
out here, bro, please.
- I don't know, man.
I mean, nah, there's
nothing I can do, man.
- Dude, you don't
want this thing?
Fine, I'll go set him
free in the parking lot
of fucking Badingos.
I don't give a shit, man.
There's gotta be
something we can do.
- All right, all right.
Calm down, dude.
Do you a favor since
I'm such a nice guy.
Give you a Zitcoin for it.
- Rad.
So I can use that to
buy some chenko, right?
- Yeah, that should be easy.
- Hit me up.
- There you go.
You got one Zitcoin, brah.
- Cody, oh my God,
Cody, are you dead?
Oh Cody.
- Oh Janeé, I thought
you were gonna be
a superstar at Angela's.
What happened to that plan, huh?
Didn't pan out, did it?
- What is she doing here?
- You don't understand.
She doesn't mean
fresh of you, Janeé.
- I called mom.
She is so pissed that you
tried to sell your baby.
She is on her way
now to kick your ass
for being such a disappointment.
She hates you now more
than she ever did before.
- Why did you call Mom?
I can't deal with Mom right now.
I can handle the
issue on my own.
- Oh you can, yeah.
You are homeless.
Your baby is on
the verge of death.
Your mom is on the way to send
your boyfriend off
to the joozy-house.
But you're on top of this?
You know, when Michelangelo
was Cody's age,
Marlo taught me to
read four books.
- No, five books.
- Five books.
I guess I don't
blame Cody, though.
It's not his fault his
brain is probably fried
from chenko smoke
and not feeding him
baby medicine when he is sick.
- Dude, I got him baby medicine.
It's right here in my
purse, you fucking bitchwad.
It is right here.
I got it for him.
Dude, where is it?
- I don't know.
- Like it was in here.
I don't know, oh my
God, no, no, no, no.
I swear to God, oh God,
it was in my purse.
It was in my purse.
- I put it in here.
- I know, I know, I know.
- 100% whale testosterone used
in ancient Japanese
warrior blends
for hundreds of years.
He used to be a fat curd.
- I gotta find that remote.
- Start taking Brogenix.
Now for the past year,
I've gotten two children,
and I'm already
working on my third.
On hot chicks, all day long.
- Awesome.
- Oh dear,
you okay there, buddy?
Can you hear me?
- Nah, what do you want?
- Well, this is
Tazel from Brogenix again.
Last time we spoke,
you were telling me
your dad's card got stolen.
If you give me the number
on the card, I can send you
that refund, and we can-
- Yeah, hold on a second.
I want to get that for you.
What the fuck, you
stop, stop calling here.
My dad's credit card is stolen.
I don't care for to pay
the phone bill neither.
- Jordan, what happened?
My credit card got stolen?
- No, Dad.
- I didn't know I
had a credit card.
Why didn't you tell me?
- You don't have a
credit card, Dad.
I was just saying that to
get this girl off my ass.
I didn't get you a credit card.
It ain't stolen.
Everything is fine.
- I gotta get out
of here, Jordan.
He won't let me go.
- Man, you probably
gotta pay bail
or some shit like that>
- I got money.
You have to get me out of here.
I can't take it any more.
- All right, fucking chill.
Where is it, I'll
bring it to you.
- It's under my desk.
Bring it all, I don't care.
And Jordan, please,
you have to tell them.
I didn't do anything.
They won't let me.
- Okay, I get the point, fuck.
- Janeé, let's go, come on.
I am gonna settle
this right now.
- Hey, but Mom, did you hear?
- Let's go.
- Cody is like in
mega meltdown mode.
- Let's go.
- He could be dying.
We need to get him
appendix drops or
Baby aspirin first.
- Like that'll help.
You poisoned him
with face paint!
You really think he's
just gonna get over it
with some pink baby goop?
- Yes, because the
internet said it.
So it must be true.
- Oh, so you to have
to read the internet
to learn how to be a bad mom.
- Where you hustling
off to, Jordan?
Come here, front and center.
I want to talk to you.
- Too bad I got
nothing to talk about.
What the fuck was that?
- Now where would this
reptile be slithering
off to at this time of night?
I'm gonna take a wild guess
and say he's going
out to buy something.
- How 'bout it's none
of your fucking business
where I go?
Why don't you back off
before I do something?
- What you gonna
do, touch screen?
Poke me?
Look at you, you
ain't a real man.
I wouldn't trust
you to tie my shoes,
let alone occupy
a goddamn country.
You know what I was doing
when I was your age?
- I don't know,
fucking your cat?
- No, I was in the
jungles of Peru,
making sure my
brothers didn't die
every single day.
- Oh, is that how you
became such a prick?
- That's why I say
we need to have
one or two more wars on just to
recycle fuckups like you
on something worth a damn.
- Look at this.
Is this it?
- Oh, what a coincidence.
Didn't we have a wad
of cash just about
that thick ripped
off from us today?
- We sure as cat did.
- That's an awful lot of money
to be carrying around
while you're high.
- Give it back.
I'm not fucking high.
- He's going right
now to the dealer's
to buy some illegal
drugs with it.
- Doesn't make any sense at all.
Seriously, that's
not even my money.
You gotta give it back.
- Oh really?
Not yours, I never
would've guessed that.
- No, it's my Dad's, I swear.
I was going over to
bail him out right now.
Hey, you can't come and
take it from me like that.
Man, it's his money
you're stealing
from me, not mine.
- You're a terrible
liar, Jordan.
- Hey, stop the car.
Man.
I should charge you
after I bail my dad out.
Bastard.
- Whoa, you can't smoke in here.
Put that shit out.
Come on, smoking.
Get the tape, are we taping?
- Yo, I said I'm putting it out.
- Come on, smoking.
- Jordan, oh, thank
God you're here.
They're making a movie about me,
and the police are in on it.
They let the cameras
into my cell.
And, and then, look, behind you.
They're back.
- He seriously needs his
medicine to shut him up.
We don't have any
cameras in here.
- Jordan, did you find my money?
It's my only way out
of this shithole.
- I did, but on my way over,
I kinda lost it,
so at the moment,
I don't actually
have your money.
- Oh, wait, hold on here.
You don't have the money?
You can't have him, if
you don't have the money.
That's what fucking bail is.
- Come on, man, can't
you just let him out?
I had it like ten
minutes ago, for real.
- You used it to go
buy drugs, didn't you?
- All right,
all right, all right.
- You're so fucked now,
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I'll kill you for this.
- Hold on, hold on.
- I know that smell.
It smells like
you've been smoking
fucking baby aspirin.
Did you seriously just walk
into a police
station high as fuck?
Hey, baby drop-off
is in the back.
- Is that Janeé's mom?
- Hey, hey, hey.
Where the fuck is he going?
Boys, get him, boys!
Get him, get him!
Get him, Choner.
Jordan!
- Jengo, we got a
bogey on the loose.
Bogey on the loose.
Fucker.
- Donut.
Open the fuck up, come on.
- Aw yeah, buffalo wings.
Ho, ho, ho.
There's hook-up city up in here.
Look at that, look at that.
DOHOG78.
- Harvey, Harvey, it sounds like
somebody's smoking down there.
- Please, can, I've been
waiting all fucking day, Donut.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean like, as soon as
my Grandma goes to sleep,
like my guy will be here soon.
- Harvey, are you smoking?
- No, Grandma, I don't smoke.
- Should I put this out?
- No, no, it's fine.
- So what time's that
Zitcoin guy gettin' here?
- Mm, just like in five minutes.
- Awesome, maybe I
can get his info.
I need a new chenko guy.
- Harvey, it
still smells like smoke.
What you doing in there?
- Nothing, Grandma.
I'm just eating buffalo wings.
- Man, you ain't even eatin'
all the chicken off of that.
Look at all that meat left.
- You want it?
Eat it.
I don't like putting
my tongue in that far.
- Hi, Grandma Donut.
- Hello, Jordan.
I didn't know you were here.
- Hell yeah, bitch,
fucking ball.
- Harvey, you know
you're not supposed
to be smoking down here.
Tobacco smoke makes
my e coli flare up?
- Why aren't you
asleep right now?
- I will be in bed
in ten minutes.
Sweetheart, please, don't smoke.
- Yo, put that down.
I wasn't even done
with that one yet.
- I'm sorry, chill.
Whoa, oh man.
Don't touch my wings.
- Yo, man, I don't
have a half hour
to wait for you to
shower after you shit.
Murphy, what are you doing here?
- Oh, don't tell me it's you.
You can have your Zitcoin back
because I'm not selling you a
goddamn thing, you sick fuck.
- Hey, I'm not the
dude who hit you up.
- Stay away from me.
You want me to bring the force?
- Hey, watch it, man.
I got sauce on my fingers.
- That microwave was
loaded with centipedes.
I junked it.
- What's that noise?
Did you just break something?
- Oh, I think I have deja vu.
What can I take in
trade this time?
How 'bout that power
drill over there?
- You can't take that.
It's not mine.
- Get the fuck out of my way.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Shit, dude.
- Fuck, what happened?
- You just stabbed an old lady.
- No, no, I was swinging.
Oh fuck, you're right, I did.
- No, Mom, it's not gonna work.
Angela's doesn't
operate on my logic.
You can't do that.
- No, no, no.
No, no, no, Janeé.
You are going to get
a job at the dealer.
I am not going into
that salon again.
- Mom, please come back.
Can you please help me give
Cody this baby medicine?
These directions
don't make any sense.
- Yeah, it's probably
pretty hard to understand
if you don't know how to read.
- Why are you so mean to me?
It's not my fault your
life sucks just because
you decided not
to go to Angela's.
- Are you effing
seriously serious right?
My life could not be
more amazing right now.
I am so glad I
gave that shit up.
Cutting hair is
bimbo work, Janeé.
Do you wanna what kind
of people cut hair?
Goon bag morons that's who.
- Maybe if you
hadn't given it up,
you wouldn't have a stick
up so far up your ass?
- Get you off the couch
in about 13 minutes.
- Whatever.
- When whale testosterone
hits your bloodstream.
Remember, Japanese
warriors have been taking
whale testosterone for the
past eight centuries.
- Where the fuck
- is that remote?
I've seen this shit.
I'm not gonna stop looking
til I find this mother fucker.
Oh shit, there it is.
I've been looking
all over for this.
- Oh, hiya there.
It's Tazel from Brogenix again.
I want to get this
payment all settled
before I leave for the day.
If you got your
information stolen,
it's important we jump
on that right away.
I'm not sure what happened.
I think we got
disconnected last time
we talked. - No, we didn't get
- Disconnected, I
actually hung up on you.
- Brogenix,
scientifically proven.
Jordan, fucking listen to me.
Where did you say you've been?
I take it, why did
you give it to me?
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
Give the damn baby to me.
Jordan, are you fucking
listening to me?
- Give him the baby, Jordan.
- God dammit.
- Give that baby away.
Give me the baby, you fuck.
- Shit doesn't even work, man.
I'm way fucking ass high.
Where was that remote?
I saw it.
- Brogenix,
genetically alters your DNA
to be more like a new whale.
- My phone.
What the hell is this?
- Yo bro, I'm good again.
Hit me up if you need some.
- Solliver's back.
- There he is.
Oh friend, hang up.
- Hey, pop.
- I have to took you.
- Knock over my things,
I've been working
on that for six months.
- You don't want to
do this the wrong way.
We'll hold him down,
and you can beat
him, Peruvian style.
- You're lucky Walter's here.
He had to come down
and bail me out
with his own money,
you fucking son of a bitch.
- He didn't pay for shit, Dad.
Those fucking assholes came,
and they stole all your money.
I swear, I didn't lose any of it
until they took it from me.
- You had to go and
buy drugs, didn't you?
Fuck, you're high right now.
That's proof.
- Uh-huh, he is as
high as Thursday.
- What the fuck?
- I told you that's
what he was doing.
- Fuck you all.
Why do you have to be such
vaginas about everything.
- Fuck me?
Fuck me, no, fuck you.
I want you out of my house.
Leave!
- Calm down, you're
having another flashback.
Okay, I'm leaving, chill.
- We got a 17.
This is Delta One Nine.
Can you give me a
status on your location?
- I need you to kill him.
That the point.
- Choner, right here.
You can smell the
fucking chenko outside.
- I just paid you.
Get out of my house.
I don't have any more
money to give you.
- Oh, so you haven't learned
your lesson the first time, huh?
- Please, don't
arrest him again.
- Get off of him.
You can't do this.
He needs his medication.
- I don't have any
more money to give you.
Get off of me.
You can't take me back there.
I'll kill all of you.
- Oh, you
gonna make threats now?
- Dad, I can't take this shit.
I can't take this shit no more.
Man, I need chenko so bad.
My scorpion chain.
I broke my fucking
scorpion chain.
Why, scorpion gods?
Why have you forsaken me?
I need chenko.
My hat?
Where the fuck this come from?
- This fucking asshole.
- Suck my fucking dick, yo.
- What you doing man?
- That my hat.
Yo, yo, hold up, motherfuckers.
Got any chenko?
Do they have paint
on their faces?
- Hold up.
Yo, what's.
FaceFuka?
FaceFuka!
Chenko, give me chenko.
Chenko, I need some chenko.
- Geeze, don't go
blocking that shit.
- Don't got no chenko?
Man, I know you got chenko.
I wouldn't be here if you
didn't have any chenko.
Look at that chenko.
What you got, give me that shit.
I need this, let me,
let me put it in my mouth.
C'mon, you fucking broke.
Yo, you got to be high as fuck.
What you on?
Yo, bro, you are
the highest person
I've ever fucking seen.
Good for you, man.
How did you get there?
- Shit bag, chenko feind
Fuck hole, I knew it.
Jengo 17, the
bogey's been spotted.
And He's fucking dead.
- I need some chenko, bro.
You know where I can find any?
- You're just a baby?
But I hate you.
- Chenko, do you have any?
Whoa, watch, yo.
- Hey, you got a fucking ticket?
- You got a baby, go ahead.
Hey, that ain't no baby.
What's this fuck baby, yo.
- I'm entering my baby's face.
I'm gonna go let that little
motherfucker right now.
- Are you sure you
want to let me do this?
I don't know, dude.
I don't want to
fuck up your hair.
- Janeé, you can
totally cut it all off.
Give me a mohawk,
if you need to.
I just want you to be
the best haircutter
of all haircutter history.
- I fucking love you face Fuka.
- I need some chen-chen
right now, bitch.
Give me this shit.
- That's my ball.
- What the fuck is this?
This is not drugs, little girl.
This is not drugs,
little girl's mom.
Why would you not bring
drugs to a concert.
- Maybe I can like dye it
a sort of color that can
like match your skin.
- What are you doing with
those fucking scissors?
- Don't fucking move.
- Okay, fucking
chill, man, chill.
- Did you really
think I was gonna
let you get chenko today?
I shouldn't even
be here right now.
It's 11:00.
I'm supposed to be home fucking
my fat wife in the garage,
but you wanna know what
I told my fat wife?
- Unless it involves me smoking
shit load of chenko, you pissing
the fuck off, not really.
- I told Mom if you
were gonna stay here,
not to let you go to Angela's.
She has too many things
to do in the afternoon,
and nobody wants to look
after that little shit ball
while you're prancing
around in Angela land.
- I told her if I could stop
one of you shit bag fucks,
for gettin' high on dope,
I don't need to
fuck my fat wife,
when I can just fuck you.
- No, Angela's is
not negotiable.
I'm so close.
I just need like a couple
hundred bucks more, and I'm in.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- I know you're loaded.
You got that dope
ass reception gig.
Why can't you help me out?
- Nobody wants you to
touch their hair, please.
I'd rather pay for
a can full of bees
to sting me in the face
over and over and over again
than to pay for you
to go to that shit.
- Why can't you
just chill, dude.
I'm not fucking with you, bro.
There's a Billion people out
there doing the same shit.
All we wanna do is get
fucking high and just chill.
That's it.
You can't arrest all of us.
- Yes, I can.
- I'm a good person.
I got good inside me
that you know nothing about,
but I'm not gonna be
anything like you.
I'm gonna be somebody.
Angela's gonna turn me
into more of a somebody
than you will ever be.
- You really think
they're gonna let in
a girl who has a
streak that looks
like the inside of my asshole?
- Chenko makes your
life fucking retarded.
Now don't move,
and let me un-retard your
fucking retarded life.
- You goon-bag nasty bitch.
- No, man.
Without chenko,
there is no life.
- You do not pull
that shit with me.
Comb your fucking hair, bitch.
- Dijo chop, son.
- It's over, Jordan.
Don't fight it.
Can't wait to take you a place
where you'll never be able
to smoke chenko again.
- No, no!
- Hey, asshole.
- Hey asshole, where
the fuck is your ticket?
- I don't need a fucking ticket.
I'm a cop.
I go wherever the fuck I want.
- Need a ticket.
You want a baby with
your face painted on.
- I had a dream about
throwing babies out windows
That's why I wrote a song about
throwing babies out windows
Don't think too hard about it,
straightforward shit you all.
Yo, it's about that time, y'all.
You ready for this thing?
And the winner of the
chenko4life baby tattoo contest.
This mother fucker right here,
with his bloody
ass baby tattoo on.
- That's me, I'm here!
- Chenko y'all.
- A lifetime supply of chenko.
Which adds up to
about two ounces,
because if you do
it all at once,
then you gonna have a short ass
mother fucking lifetime.
- Do I need a
fucking ticket now?
- FaceFuka, it's me, FaceFuka.
FaceFuka, it's me, right here.
- Come on up here,
come on up onstage.
Let's get you fucking high.
- I'm the chenko king.
I'm a chenko king tonight.
- Chenko paraphernalia?
You can't fucking do that.
- Does he mean me?
- Hey, fuck face.
Put the fucking chenko down.
Put the chenko, put it down.
Put the fucking chenko down.
Put it down.
Put the fucking chenko down.
- Chenko!
- Everybody's under arrest.
Get on your knees
and put your hands
behind your fucking head.
You're all under arrest.
Fuck you pig!
- You ain't arresting shit.
- How could you
bring a fucking cop
to my fucking show, yo?
A fucking cop!
- Stop, everybody stop.
Everybody stop, everybody stop.
Stop.
- Oh, she's such a
fucking psychotic bitch.
I hate her.
God, I gotta get
out of here, dude.
I'm raging.
- Janeé, she doesn't know
what the fuck she's
talking about.
Believe me, you're gonna
be like the hottest,
most fucking badass
hairdressin' chick
that Angela's Superstar
School has ever seen.
Trust me.
- No, I'm not.
It's just not gonna
work out for me.
I'm never gonna get in.
I'm stupid, too, and I know it.
- Girl, come on.
You know, besides
staying with Jordan,
you are one smart ho.
- Man, this is way too
big to stick up my ass.
- I'm your girl,
and I don't know if
you know how I operate,
but Grandma Stephanie
would never let
anybody fuck this up for you.
Okay look, don't you ever ask me
who my fucking baby
daddy is, bitch.
I tapped into my abortion
fund for this shit.
- Aw, aw.
- What?
No way.
How did you do this?
- Well, I basically
called and was like,
"Hey, I'm Janeé's mom."
And they were like, "What?"
And I was like, "Bitch, you
know who the fuck I am."
- Dijo shot, bitch.
- Dude, I'm gonna fucking cry.
- It's okay. Frickin chill
Frickin' Chill,
- Columbia, this is Houston.
Go ahead, over.
- I did see
a small white object.
And it looks like.
- Hey, huh, huh?
Hey, huh?
My dick's so hard.