Shallow Hal (2001) - full transcript

I heard she was
moved to another room.

Mrs. Larson?

It...

It won't be much longer, Mrs.
Larson.

Oh. Well, is he
in a lot of pain?

No. No, no.

There'll be no more pain for your husband.
He's heavily sedated.

Okay. I think I'm gonna go
send little Hal in now.

No. No, no. I don't think
that's such a good idea.

With all the painkillers,

the Reverend's
not exactly himself.



Look, I think my boy has a right
to say goodbye to his father.

I mean, the man means
everything in the world to him.

Well, your call.

Nurse?

Yes, Reverend Larson?

Did you see the cowboy?

The cowboy?

The cowboy who gave me the
singing nickel in Pudding Town?

Okay, think it's time to
turn down the morphine drip.

Reverend Larson?
Your son is here.

Okay, sure.
Send her in.

Ladies?

A little privacy.

Dad?



It's me, Dad. Hal.

Oh. Glad you're here,
kiddo.

Got a few things
to tell ya.

First, I want you
to promise

that no matter
what you do in life,

you will never, ever
settle for average.

Yes, sir.

Second, don't be satisfied
with routine poontang.

Huh?

Don't do what I did.

I married for love, and your
mother Betty has been a nightmare.

But, Dad, Mom's
name is Marian.

Listen to me.
I'm giving you pearls here.

And third, find yourself

a classic beauty

with a perfect can

and great toddies.

That will put you in good
stead with the Lord.

It's all in here.

Yes, sir.

Hot, young tail's
what it's all about.

Hot,

young tail.

I'll make you proud, Papa.

♪ Uncle Larry's
hooked on ice again

♪ He seems to be
stuck in the '80s

♪ He wears his
Members Only jacket

♪ 'Cause he thinks
it turns on all the ladies

♪ And all the white folks
shake their asses

♪ Looking for the two and four

♪ I'll have mine
in martini glasses

♪ 'Cause I can't
take it any more

♪ These are the days
of empty kitchens

♪ The rise and fall
of Mary Ellen's hairdo

Excuse me, jackass.
Can you not hear me down there?

I want nothing to do with
you, you little warthog.

Shh.

You had me
at "Get lost."

Hey, what's up, Mauricio?

Hey, Hal.

How's the crowd tonight?

Good. I got a few bites.

Yeah? Can I
get you a drink?

I won't say no to that.

Whoo!

Two beers.

- Two Buds?
- Two Buds.

So, I didn't expect
to see you here.

Where's your
new girl Loni?

Lindy.
Lindy.

She's...
Here you go.

Actually, I didn't tell her
I was going out tonight.

Why not? Things
okay with you guys?

Yeah. A little too okay, if you
know what I'm talking about.

No, I don't know.
What's that mean?

Things are going
in the shitter.

Aw, jeez, I'm sorry to hear that.
Why is she dumping you?

She's not.
I'm dumping her.

You're dumping Loni?

Lindy. Are you crazy?
Lindy's gorgeous.

On the surface, but when you
get to know her better,

there's a whole
other story goin' on.

Yeah? How goes that?

We're sitting there, you know,
and she's got her bare...

Her bare feet
were on the couch,

and I notice that
her second toe is, like,

half an inch longer
than her big toe.

That's it?
You're breaking up over that?

Hey, I don't need
that circus shit.

Well, couldn't she get the
toe filed down or something?

What, then
I'm dating a nub?

I'm starting to think
we're jinxed here.

Speak for yourself,
my friend.

What, you got
the promotion?

I don't hear about
that till tomorrow.

But guess who is now officially
going out with Jill.

Jill? Your neighbor Jill?

You're going
out with Jill?

And she doesn't
exactly hate me.

Get out! You are the
luckiest man on the planet.

So what are you
doing here?

She's hostessing
until 11:00.

Actually,
I better get going.

I'll try to catch her
on the way home.

See if she wants
to get a drink.

If I know you, that's not
all she'll be getting.

I'll see you later.

I said no.

No? Why not?

I don't want to have a drink.
I want to go home.

Is that so hard
to understand?

Hey, hey, hey.

What's goin' on?
Are you mad?

No, I'm not mad.
I just...

Go on, say it.
You know what?

No matter what it is,
we're gonna work it out.

Hal, I'm not
attracted to you.

So what?
You think everyone who goes out

is attracted to each other?
Get real.

I think they're attracted to
each other in the beginning.

Oh, come on. That sounds like
a bunch of New Age hooey.

All right, maybe
for some people

there's a little spark in the
beginning, but for most,

the attraction part
happens way later. Whoa!

Just like that,
we're breaking up?

Well, we were never going out.
We just had one date.

Come on. Hey, let's stay together five days.
That's all I need.

Why do you need
five days?

Because tomorrow, I'll
finally get my promotion.

There's gonna be parties, dinners, this, that.
Come on, I need you now.

You don't need me.
You'll be so busy, you won't think about me.

How can I not
think about you?

You live right
across the hall.

I don't know, Hal. Maybe...
Maybe you should think about moving.

Hal, we've made a decision regarding
that wholesaler position.

Yes! It's about
time, Dave.

We decided to go with
the gal from Merrill.

She's a proven entity.
A big producer.

I'm sorry, man.

No, it's... The gal's a proven entity.
What the heck you gonna do?

Hal, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, thanks.

You should have gotten it.
You deserved it.

No, I didn't. Obviously I
didn't put them in a position

where they had to promote me.
It's a good lesson.

Make yourself indispensable,
that's the key.

And to make matters worse,
Jill dumped me last night.

Dumped you? Don't you have to
be going out to get dumped?

What does that mean?

I just thought
it was more of a...

Anyway, I don't see
why you care so much.

You know she was
wrong for you.

How can you say that?
She was perfect.

When are you gonna get it?
They're just well-formed molecules.

By the way, her tits
weren't even real.

Well, I could squeeze 'em.
That's real enough for me.

Hal, I don't
understand how a guy

who's as nice, and loyal, and generous
as you could have such a huge flaw.

What are you talking about?

You don't think picking girls solely on
their looks may not be the best way?

What, am I supposed to apologize
for having high standards?

High standards?
In the five years I've known you,

every woman, I should say
girl, you've gone after

has been completely
out of your league.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Oh, she doesn't
mean anything by it.

She's just saying you're
not that good-looking.

Oh! I thought she was implying
something really mean.

No.

Hey, it's you.
You're the TV guru guy.

Tony Robbins.
Pleased to meet you.

Yeah! Oh, man!

So, wow! You gave advice
to whatchamacallit

President Clinton?
Mandela? No, no, no.

Gorbachev?

No, no. Pamela Anderson.

Right? Yeah! Give me
another handshake.

Wow! Man,
look at those mitts!

That's like grabbing
a bunch of bananas.

And what's up with those dogs?
How big are those?

Size 16, buddy.

Holy cannoli.

You must do pretty
good with the ladies.

Just one.

Really?
Yeah.

She sounds hot!

She is an amazing lady.

I bet.

So, what are you
doing in my town?

We're doing
a seminar here.

I help people deal with life's challenges
with more dignity and more courage.

That's my deal, is the courage.
I try to...

Hang on a second.
Are we gonna fall?

No, it just stopped.
That's weird.

Oh, man, yeah.
So what do we... Hang on.

Are you okay?
I'm fine.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah. It's just,
I feel a little lightheaded.

Then she dumped me.
Flat out.

Not even the courtesy
of a severance pop.

A severance pop?

You know, one last...

To ease the pain.

The nice ones'll
sometimes throw you that.

It sounds like you've had
some odd relationships.

Yeah.

See, the problem is
I'm kinda picky.

What do you mean, picky?

Well, for instance,
I like 'em real young.

Like, did you ever see Paulina in her
first Sports Illustrated layout?

You want a young
Paulina type?

Well, that face, but
with better headlights.

You know how hers have
kind of dimmed lately?

Heidi Klum's beams would do.
And her teeth.

Or that Britney Spears girl.
She's got great Knockers.

But she's a tad muscular.

Actually, you know what?
Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grill.

Like Michelle Pfeiffer
back when she did Grease 2.

But she'd have to be a little
smilier than Michelle.

Like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos,
before she got Stamosed.

But not as skinny.
Someone a little meatier, like Heidi.

But no accent.
You know those accents...

Yah-yah-yah-yah.

They really get old fast.

You know what I mean.
Someone like that.

Don't you think you're being a bit
shallow in the way you look at women?

Well, no.

I mean, you know, I'd like her to
be into culture and shit, too.

Okay, hypothetical situation.

Which do you prefer, a girlfriend
missing one breast or half a brain?

Ooh, toughie.

That's a toughie.

How's the remaining
breast? Is it big?

What's your relationship
like with your parents?

Oh, it's excellent. I mean, my mom's hilarious.
She golfs every afternoon.

Actually, I don't
really remember my dad.

He died when
I was nine, so...

If you were nine, that's kind of odd.
You should remember a lot.

Yeah, but I don't.

My mom thinks I might have been a
little traumatized by the whole thing.

Anyway, all I remember
is he was great.

He was a great guy, and I
really loved him. But...

I'm sorry you lost him.

Hey, listen, I know
you got a great heart.

You're just a bit fixated
on people's appearances.

So, Hal Larson, I'm gonna
do you a great favor.

Really?
Yeah.

Listen, this is how it'll work.
From this moment on,

whenever you meet
someone in the future,

you're only gonna see
what's inside them.

So you'll respond
to that.

Because that, my friend,
is where the true beauty lies.

Okay, Tony, I think you're
getting a little cabin fever.

Hold on.
What if I told you

you could have the most
beautiful women in the world?

Uh, is this kind of like
what you do in your seminars?

No, no,
this is very special.

This is just
between you and me.

Let's get up, and I'll
show you what to do. Yeah!

Now, you got a pattern of looking at
women and judging them by the exterior.

We gotta break that pattern.
All right.

So has there been a time when
you were especially shallow?

You saw a woman, thought you
were better than she was?

All the time.
All the time.

Can you think of a time
when you were really shallow?

Oh, yeah, I got one.

Think about that. Ready?

Devils, come out!

What the hell are you
doin', banana hands?

Just hang on.

We gotta jolt
your nervous system.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Not just talk about it.
Here's what I want you to do.

Just relax.
All right.

And I won't
do that again.

I didn't mean
the "banana hands" thing.

That's okay.

Close your eyes. Just relax.
And I want you to imagine that you're on a beach.

It's a warm day, and the sun
is just starting to set.

And you're looking in the eyes of a
woman, and you're feeling her heart.

You're seeing her soul.

You're feeling her spirit.

That's it.

That's it. Excellent.

Excellent.

Taxi!

Oh.

I'm sorry. I...
I thought that...

No, no, no. No. It's my fault.
I didn't see you.

This is your cab.
No, I'm gonna get the next cab.

Uh...

Okay.
All right.

Look, I'm just...
I'm just headed over to the East Side.

Do you want to share, or...

Yeah!

Yeah, let's take this one.

So, awesome.
Thank you. Terrific.

Where to, my friends?

East Side Plaza
for me, please.

Likewise.

What? Oh. Huh? Sorry. I just...

I mean, yeah, you're...
You're really pretty.

Yeah, right.

Jeez, is everybody in
this city so flattering?

See, I figured you weren't from around here.
Where you from?

Boston.

Beantown.

The musical fruit.

The more you eat,
the more you toot.

So, you here on
a shoot or something?

A shoot?

I mean, you must be
a model, right?

My grandmother's
not doing so well,

so I took a year off
from school to help her out.

Oh. Helping granny.
Cool.

Thanks.
Yeah.

Bye.

So, nice catching up.

Listen,

I know you'll probably think I'm some
kind of wacko for asking, but...

What?

Well, while you're here in
town, I mean, you know...

If you ever feel like taking a break from
hanging out with your old, sick granny,

you know, we could...

Sure. I mean...

Really?

Are you kidding?
Yeah! That'd be...

I would absolutely
love to, if...

Okay, yeah. I should
get your number, then.

No, no. I'll get yours,
because it would...

With my luck,
you'll lose mine, so...

Oh. No, I get it.
Very funny.

You got me. That was...
No, that was good.

You could've just said no,
but you went the extra mile.

That was harsh.
I don't need this shit.

Well, hey...

What?

I do want your number.
I'm sorry!

I don't know what...
That was dumb.

I was saying something...
I thought you meant... Never mind.

Yes. Yes.

Here's my phone number,
and here's my e-mail.

E-mail. That's...

Yeah. That's funny.

- Hello?
- Hey, mudwhistle, get dressed.

We're going out.

So Robbins gave you free therapy
while you were in the elevator?

Yeah. And then...
Check this out.

He does this thing to me where he makes
it so I can score better with the ladies.

At the time I thought
it was sort of a joke.

But this afternoon, the first
beautiful woman I saw went for me.

Could be coincidence.

But no. This wasn't, you know...
This was different.

I don't know, she went
crazy for me or something.

I think talking to him helped
my confidence or something.

'Cause I do feel
more confident.

Shit. Look who's here.

What's the matter?
You have a problem with Walt?

You don't?

No. Why would I?

Don't you get sick of it sometimes?
Sick of what?

The whole I-walk-on-all-fours
-so-I-own-the-world thing.

All the phony
self-deprecating crap.

Jeez, the guy...
Give the guy a break!

He's got spina bifida!
He plays the hand he was dealt.

Yeah. And here he comes.

There's a couple of
belt buckles I recognize.

Hey, Walt.
How you doing?

Do I look like I have
anything to complain about?

Not if you don't mind
bunions on your knuckles.

I gotta go to the can.

Hey, man,
good to see ya.

Good to see you.

How you been?
Good.

There's a pair of panties I recognize.
How ya doing, Deb?

Okay, wise guy,
what's it gonna be?

A bottle of Dom
for my buddy here.

Another?
Okay, you got it.

And keep 'em coming.

What's the occasion?

I take it you don't read
the business section?

What did I miss?

I sold my company
to Microsoft.

Yeah? And
you cleaned up?

Well, put it this way.
If I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

All right!
Congratulations!

Yup, I'm officially retired
and on the prowl.

Hey, Walt.

Hey, Sally.

I got a leash.
Would you like to take me for a walk?

Come on, boy.

Catch ya later.

Hi.

Hi.

Hal.

I'm Bella.

So, what's up?

Nothing.

My friends are all out
on the dance floor.

Yeah?

On, now come you're not out there
spanking the planks with 'em?

Spanking the planks.

So, are they
your roommates, or...

No, we work together at the
Foundation Fighting Blindness.

Oh, cool. I used
to know a deaf guy.

Yeah.

Hey, do you wanna dance?
Yes!

Au right.

♪ Baby, when I saw you turning
at the end of the street

♪ I knew a time was gone

♪ And it took me like ages

♪ Just to understand that I was
afraid to be a simple guy

♪ I tried my best to smile

♪ But deep inside my heart I felt it
was shouting like a crowd dancing

♪ I guess I couldn't
live without the things

♪ That made my life
what it is

♪ Can't you hear me calling?

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Everybody's dancing

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Tonight everything
is over...

What in the name
of all that is holy?

♪ I can't lie on my bed
without thinking I was wrong

♪ But when that
feeling calls...

Do you need help?

What? Come on!

♪ Nighttime won't hold me
in your arms again

♪ I got a very good
friend who says

♪ He can't believe the love
I give is not enough

♪ To end your fears I guess I
couldn't live without the things

♪ That made my life
what it is

Hal?

It's 10:00.
We gotta go.

What are
you talking about?

Hal, we gotta go
do that thing.

You know, at the place.

What thing?

Hey, sorry, ladies.

I gotta steal your
dance partner here.

No!

What are you doing?

I am rescuing you!

From what?

From what!

♪ Oh, rainfalls and hard times coming,
they won't leave me tonight

From a pack of stampeding buffalo!
That's from what!

♪ Just do let this spirit
Survive Everybody's dancing-U

Come join us. I'm going
after the redhead.

You can have your
pick of the other two.

You mean you get the hyena, and I choose
between the hippo and the giraffe?

Don't be intimidated, man.
They don't bite! Now, let's go!

I'm getting back in there!

Hey, go nuts.

♪ Tonight everything is over

♪ I feel too young

Hey, Jin.

♪ Everybody's shaking

Mauricio, it's Hal.
Pick it up.

Look, man, I don't know what the hell
was the matter with you last night.

First you wouldn't dance
with the hotties at the bar,

then at the IHOP, those
hotties were even hotter,

and you disappear!
Oh, my...

I gotta call you back.
Something came up.

In the sky the birds
are pulling rain

In your life a curse
has got a name

Building a parachute?

Excuse me?

They're a little big,
aren't they?

Oh, I get it. You ripped the
spinnaker on your sailboat, right?

I'm sorry. I just...

It seemed so funny seeing someone like
you holding up a pair of old-lady trou.

Someone like me?

Yeah. You know,
someone so fit.

You are a jackass.

Miss, please. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you.

Hey, unibrow, why don't you double
your dosage and leave me alone?

Whoa, whoa.
Let's start over.

Look, that was
really dumb of me.

You were probably buying 'em for someone
close to you, right? And I insulted them.

Well, however it is
you took it,

I want you to know I didn't
mean to piss you off.

I wanted to meet you,
and I guess...

I guess I'm not real
smooth sometimes.

Let me make it up to you.

Excuse me, miss.
Is everything all right?

So, what do you do
for a living, Rosemary?

I'm actually volunteering
at the hospital right now,

'cause I'm waiting for this
re-up thing to come through.

Re-up? What,
are you in the army?

Peace Corps.

Peace Corps. Wow.

That's very altrudocious
of you.

Altrudocious?
That's not a word.

Ah, you mean
humanidocious, right?

Yeah. That's the one.

All right.
Ready to order?

Yeah. Can I get
a double pizza burger,

chili fries with cheese, and
a large chocolate milkshake?

Nicely done. I'll have
the exact same thing.

You got it.

I am impressed.

It's nice to see a girl
order a real meal.

I can't stand it when you guys order
a glass of water and a crouton.

It ruins the whole
point of going out.

Yeah, well, that's probably what
I should be ordering, you know?

But I don't know,
no matter what I eat,

my weight just seems
to stay the same.

So I just figure, what the hell?
I'm gonna eat what I want.

Oh, totally. If you can get
away with it, more power to ya.

Don't be a smart-ass.

What?
No, I'm just saying, you know.

I feel bad for people who count calories.
It's no way to live.

Yeah.

But in return they get to
be a lot thinner than I am.

Uh...

Are you out of your mind?

What do you weigh?
110,115 pounds?

Which one of my butt cheeks
are you talking about?

Okay.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Trust me, whatever you're
doing, it's working.

It is working.

Oh, go on.

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

Oops.

Goddang it. Rosemary, don't move.
Is your back all right?

Yeah.

Is she all right?

Listen, you gotta get some
decent chairs in here, man.

What's this shit
made out of, anyway?

Steel.

Yeah? Well, you should get it
welded better in the corners!

All right, then.

Rosemary, you sure
you're okay?

Yeah. I'm a little
embarrassed but

it's happened before,
it'll happen again.

Oh, man.

Don't be embarrassed. Listen, I beef it.
Everybody beefs it.

We're too late.
The food's probably all gone.

Listen, can you wait
here one second?

Oh, Hal,
just let it go.

Nah. Nah.

Hal.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

You guys are making fun of me
'cause I'm a little pudgy?

No, I wasn't making fun of you.
I was... That's fine.

Do me a favor.
Take a look outside.

You see that little
fox out there?

See that little number?
She's with me.

If you took all the women you
two have ever gone out with,

they wouldn't
equal one of her.

We're not arguing that.
No.

That's right.
Laugh it up, fellas.

And tonight, when you're hugging
your pillow, remember, I'm with her.

All right? That's it.

Uh!

What happened?
Well, let's just say

the score's Hal two,
mall rats zero.

Let me walk you to your car.

Well, thanks for lunch, Hal.

Ah, my pleasure, Rosie.

My mother calls me Rosie.

Really?
Yeah.

Gentlemen, can I interest you in
some chili fries and half a burger?

There's a lot left 'cause the little
guy couldn't finish his meal.

Hey.Hey.
Pussy.

That was nice of you.

Well, you're all right
in my book, too, Hal.

Can I have your number?

What number?

Your PIN number,
I want your money!

Your phone number.
What do you think?

Why?

You know, to go out.
Maybe like tomorrow.

Uh...

well, yeah.

I mean, sure. It's in the
book under Rosemary Shanahan.

I can write it down.
It's S-H-A...

No, I'll remember it.

My boss's name
is Steve Shanahan.

That's my father's name.

Not JPS Steve Shanahan?

Yeah!

Yeah.

Your father is my boss.

I mean, not my boss.
He's my boss's boss.

I mean, I don't know him, but
I see him around the office.

Well, then you won't
forget my name.

Hal?
Yeah?

If I don't hear from you,

I appreciate everything,
anyway.

Cuckoo.

You sure you don't
want a dog?

Yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to lose a couple of lbs.

Since when do you
care about your gut?

I don't really, but
I'm a little nervous.

This girl who's coming to meet
me here is in incredible.

Uh-huh?

Like the ones on the dance
floor the other night?

Even better, buddy.
I'm telling you, it's almost beyond belief.

She's funny, she's smart, she
teaches self-esteem to sick kids.

And I would never believe a
girl as beautiful could have

such a great personality.

Ugly duckling syndrome.
She probably wasn't pretty till high school.

The personality had to
develop out of necessity.

You know what?
I bet you're right.

She's way too pretty
to be so nice.

Sometimes they're
ugly so long,

they turn pretty
and don't realize it.

The ugly self-image is so well ingrained.
That's a real find.

Hey!
Hey!

I've been looking for you.

Oh, shit. Oh, it's Lindy.
The girl with the toe.

Hey, Mauricio.
How ya doing?

Good. Did you
get my message?

No, no. My phone machine's not
really working there. Did you call?

I got tickets for
that Beatles reunion.

The Beatles?

Yeah. Well, not
the real Beatles,

but Paul, George and
Ringo will be there.

But Eric Clapton is
filling in for John.

It's an invitation-only
acoustic set.

Only about 70 people, tops.

Oh, man.

So you're in?

Ahhh...

No. Not a Clapton fan.

Think I'll pass.

Okay.

Well, I guess I'll see ya.
Yeah, yeah.

Bye, Lindy.

Oh, did you
see the toe?

Mauricio, I gotta tell
you, you got issues.

Don't even get me started.

Oh, God. There she is.
There's Rosemary.

Where?

Right there.

Right where?

Straight ahead.
Across the field.

Is she behind the rhino?

She's right there!

Mauricio, I want you
to meet someone.

This is Rosemary Shanahan.
Rosemary, Mauricio Wilson.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Holy cow. I mean, hi.

Is that a Members Only
jacket?

Yes. Yes, it is.

So, are you, like,
the last member?

Oh, man. One-nothing, Rosemary.
I told you she was good.

Excuse me for just one second.
Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, hold on.
Will you guys excuse me?

Want something
from the snack bar?

Yeah, get me a beer and nachos
with all the stuff on it.

You got it.

Does she take
the cake or what?

She takes
the whole bakery, Hal.

I told you.

Yes, you did. And yet
I wasn't prepared.

So, what are you up for?

I don't know.
I like the track.

Ah, so she's a gambler.

Yeah, well, just the dogs.

I hate the ponies. There's too
much human involvement, you know?

You can't trust people if
you're looking for a fair deal.

What about you?
Do you gamble?

No, not really.

I mean, I bet on pro
football now and then,

but to make it more exciting.
I don't care if I win.

Huh.

I've never read that book.

What book?

Things Losers Say.

Hey, I got a good idea.
Why don't we forget the track,

and I'll introduce you to
some good friends of mine?

Yeah?
Yeah.

All right.
What do you say?

I say okay.

You say okay?

Hi, guys. I want you to meet a
very good friend of mine. Okay?

This guy here is Hal.
And he's really funny.

How ya doing?
Good.

Good to meet ya.

Hey.

Wow. Oh, my God.
Look at that face.

She should be doing
Keebler commercials.

You're the cutest thing
I've ever seen.

What's your name,
beautiful?

Cadence.

Cadence.
That's a pretty name.

You know, my uncle's
name is Cadence.

Well, I got news
for you, Cadence.

I'm not putting you down
until the cows come home.

Put her down.

The cow came home.

What is he doing here?

These aren't visiting hours.

Oh, Nurse Peeler, we were just
coming by to say hi to the kids.

Oh, fine.
Pack it up.

And get these patients
back in their beds.

Should we get going?

Don't pay any attention
to Nurse Sourpuss.

Sourpuss.

Hey! I got an idea.
Do you want to play the kissing game?

I do!
Me!

Yeah?
Want me to go get a bottle?

No, no. Want to
get the lipstick?

Get lipstick.

Yeah, okay.

What we do is
we put on the lipstick.

The kisser kisses as much as they
can until the lipstick comes off.

Oh, cool.
I want to go first.

Then I'm going last.

Jesse.

Hey,
they don't have

anything I can catch,
do they?

They don't have
anything you can catch.

I didn't think so.
You guys don't even look sick.

You're just a bunch of phonies
like my Uncle Cadence.

I'll bet you're here so you
can get out of school. Right?

Is that right?
Yeah.

Give me some lipstick.

Put on lipstick.

You were incredible in there.
You were. You were so amazing.

I'm serious. A lot of people get squeamish
in that situation, and you were so...

Rosemary? Is that you?

Dr. Sayed!
How's it going?

Good. Who is this?

This is my friend Hal.

Hal.
Good to meet you.

Be nice to her.
She's a good girl. All right.

Bye, Rosemary.
Bye.

I'm serious. That's what
these kids need,

is, like, a stranger who isn't afraid to
just be with them and play with them.

It builds their
self-confidence.

Why would anybody
be afraid of 'em?

You are off-the-charts adorable.
Do you know that?

Come on.

This is a nice
street you live on.

Yeah, this is my street.
You want to come up?

Yeah. But I don't
think I should.

Why not?
It's only 9:00.

I know. I don't
think it's a good idea.

Oh, no. Did I do something? No.

You've been really cool.

Hi, Hal.

Oh, hey, Jill.
Rosemary, this is my neighbor Jill.

Hi.
Hi.

Nice...

Sorry.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you,
too, Jill.

I gotta go meet some friends,
so I'll see you guys later.

Bye.
Bye.

Come up.

No.

What? I thought... I thought
we were having a good time.

We were. It's just, you know,
Hal, I'm not used to all this.

Used to what?

Hal, you've been
really nice to me today.

I really appreciate it.
But...

What, your other boyfriends
aren't nice to you?

I don't have
other boyfriends.

Bullshit.

Well, I had one boyfriend.

It was kind of recently, actually,
but it didn't work out.

Hmm. You've been
burnt, huh?

No. That's just it.

I... I've never been close
enough to anybody to get burnt.

Please! With a mug
like that?

You must be fighting
'em off daily.

Right! I mean, I saw the way your
friend Mauricio looked at me.

I thought he was gonna shoot
me with a tranquilizer gun

and tag my ear.

Don't worry.
He's been acting really weird lately.

Especially around
really pretty girls.

Hal,

do me a favor and stop saying that I'm
pretty, and that I'm not fat, okay?

'Cause it makes me
uncomfortable.

Okay. You have a problem
with compliments?

Look. I know what I am
and I know what I'm not.

I'm the girl who gets really good
grades and isn't afraid to be funny.

And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends
who are boys, and no boyfriends.

I'm not beautiful, okay?
And I never will be.

And I'm fine with that.
You know?

But when you go around saying
that I'm something that I'm not,

it's just,
it's not nice.

Whoa, Rosemary.
You're starting to scare me.

I mean,
I really like you,

but I have to assume you're a little nutty
if you really believe you're not beautiful.

Grow up, Hal.

Rosie. Wait a second.

Well, it was too
good to be true.

Hmm?

Rosemary. Turned out
to be a total psycho.

Her self-image is
so far off, it's scary.

Well, maybe you had a little
something to do with that.

What? What are you
talking about?

All I ever did was tell her
how perfect she was.

Really?
Yeah.

Then she got all huffy
and told me to grow up.

Well, that's probably good advice.
You are kind of immature.

You're not serious. You actually
think you're more mature than me?

Yeah, right. I'm probably
more immature than you,

but at least I have
a bigger willie.

Yeah, bigger
than a mouse's.

What the hell was that?

I said your willie's
bigger than...

I heard,

but it took you,
like, eight seconds.

You can't make a comeback
after eight seconds.

You got three seconds.
Five, tops.

That's why they call it
a quip. Not a slowp.

All right, you got anything better to read?
I gotta fire off a missile.

Hi. Is this
a bad time, or...

No.

Um...

I just wanted to apologize
for last night.

You don't have
to apologize.

Yeah, I do.

I called you, like, immature or
sophomoric or something like that.

- I know you're not...
- My God. Hal!

You gotta get in here
and look at this turd.

It looks just like
Klinger from M*A*S*H.

Um...

Why don't we get out of here?
Okay.

Coffee?

Mmm.

Excuse me. Are you
ready to order?

Yes. Two double cheeseburgers,
bacon, one with relish.

Thank you.

OW.

Are you okay?

Brain freeze.

♪ Baby, now that I've found
you I can't let you go

♪ I'll build my world
around you, I need you so

Excuse me, sweetie.
Professional.

♪ Baby, baby,
since first we met...

Hey, Billy, stay over
near the ladder.

Weak. So weak.

You wanna see a splash?
I'm gonna show you a splash. Ready?

♪ You spend a lifetime
looking for somebody

♪ To give me love like you

♪ Now you've told me
that you wanna leave me

♪ Darling, I just
can't let you

♪ Baby, now that I've found
you I can't let you go...

That was good?

Billy?

Billy? Billy? Billy!

Daddy.

Sorry.

♪ Now that I've found you
I can't let you go

♪ I'll build my world
around you, I need you so

♪ Baby, even though
you don't need me

♪ You don't need me

What's the matter?

I should have
changed at the beach.

What? Are you crazy?
You look great.

I don't normally dress like
this around my parents.

Hey, hey, come on.

I'm the one who should be
nervous here, not you.

Hey, you know, I've been meaning
to ask you, were you adopted?

No. why?

'Cause your dad
has that weird accent.

And also, I've seen him
around the office.

I gotta say, I don't see
the slightest resemblance.

Really?
Yeah.

Everybody says if you put a wig
on him, he'd look just like me.

Would you
look at who's here now?

Come here, my darlin'.

Hi, Daddy.

Rosie, honey.

Mom.

Good to see ya.

Hal Larson, the guy
I was telling you about.

It's great to
meet you, sir.

Likewise.

Nice to meet you, Hal.

The pleasure is mine,
Mrs. Shanahan.

Wow, I can see where
Rosemary gets her figure.

What the hell...
What the hell is that you've got on?

We were at the beach.

Won't you be putting
something else on, darlin'?

Oh, come on. She doesn't have to do that for me.
Let's just keep it casual.

Casual.

Hey, Dad, Hal's one of your great
untapped resources down at the company.

Why don't you tell him
some of your ideas?

Oh, so you've got
a few ideas, do ya?

It is risky, but
the rewards are greater, too.

The point is, only a company
with a solid reputation like JPS

could ever market
this product.

Hal, let me take your plate.

Oh, thank you.
It was delicious.

Can I get you boys
some coffee?

I'd love a cup
of tea, darlin'.

Maybe just a drop
of the hard stuff.

Yeah, I'll just have a cup of joe.
That'd be great. Thanks.

I have to say, Hal, I'm impressed
with a lot of your ideas.

Some of them are
dog shit, you know,

but for the most part, you seem
to have done your homework.

So I'd like you to do
something for me. Okay.

Well, I'm meeting with me executive
committee Monday morning,

and I'd like you to
make a presentation.

Seriously?

Well, nothing fancy,
you understand.

Just talk about the same things
that you talked about here tonight.

Great. I'd love to.

Oh, and by the way,

you can cutout
the act now.

Excuse me?

You think I got as far as I did
in me life by bein' a fool?

Now, you've got ambition,
Hal, and I admire that.

Hell, I wish I had a hundred
more like yourself.

We'd be the number-one firm
in the country.

And me daughter would get
a hell of a lot more dates.

I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have
any problem getting dates.

I told you to cut
the shit out, all right?

Look, Rosemary
is me daughter,

and God knows
I love her dearly.

But I think we both know that we won't
soon be seeing her twirlin' the baton,

marching along with the
Dallas Cheerleaders.

Uh...

I don't understand.

I'm telling you
the truth, Hal.

And the truth is I haven't been able
to bounce me daughter on me knee

since she was two.

You know, I've read
about people like you.

People like me?

You superachievers with
your impossible standards.

Nothing's ever good enough.
Nothing measures up.

It never occurs to you that your kids
are people, with their own feelings.

You think they're just
an extension of you,

like your billion-dollar
company,

or your $20 million Lear Jet and
your Picasso out in the front hall.

Everything reflects on you, so nothing
and no one is ever good enough.

Go on.

When I first met Rosemary,

she told me she knew
she wasn't that good-looking.

I could not
believe my ears.

How can a person
this beautiful

possibly interpret what she sees in the
mirror to be anything other than that?

Well, now I know.

Is everything okay?

Huh? Yeah,
everything is fine.

Just fine.

What?

Nothing. I just can't
believe how lucky I am.

You swear to God
you're not gonna laugh?

Come on,
I'm not gonna laugh.

Ah.

Daddy like.

♪ The look on your face

♪ It can never
explain your heart

♪ And the touch of my lips

♪ It can never
tell you my thoughts

♪ Then you want me to change

♪ I can't get used to...

What in...
How did...

Get over here, Houdini.

♪ 'Cause it's not really me
This is my world

♪ This is who I am
And I'm not gonna give up...

Hi.

Yes, I am.

Everything's so perfect.

It's a little scary.

I know.

But in a good way.

To have so much to lose.
That's nice.

I'm gonna call you later.

Okay.

Bye.

Forget something?

Oh, hey.
Hi. I'm glad I caught you

before you went to work.
What's up?

I was wondering if maybe you
wanted to come over tonight.

Open a bottle of wine,
maybe watch a video.

Uh...

Nah. Thanks, though.

And in summation,
I feel that these measures

will help JPS and
all of our customers.

Nice job, Hal.
Thank you.

Nicely done.
I appreciate it.

Hal, I stand corrected.

Thank you.

Hal, I need to see you
in me office straight away.

Sure.

Sit yourself down.

So, what'd you think?

I'll be gettin' to
that in a minute.

I want to talk to you about that little
conversation we had the other night

and all of them things
you said to me.

Well, I'm more than just a little
embarrassed, having said what I said.

I think me daughter
is lucky to have you.

No, sir.
I'm the lucky one.

Indeed.

Well, now, as to
your meeting in there.

Sure, it was first-rate.

Yeah?
Oh, yes.

Hal, I'm gonna
level with ya.

I need your balls.

Sir?

I need a man around that can give
it to me straight, you know?

Whether the news
be good or bad.

So I've decided.

From now on, you'll be
working directly for me.

Uh...

I don't know
what to say but...

Thank you.

Well, a thank you
will do just fine.

Well, get the fuck out.

Oh, okay.

Congratulations
on your promotion!

Oh, sorry.

No, no. Come in, come in.
I want you to meet Rosemary.

Rosemary, this is Jen and Artie.
Hi.

Kids, Rosemary Shanahan.

As in Steve?

Yeah, he's my dad. Oh, God, which
reminds me, I gotta meet him for lunch.

I'll see you this
weekend, okay?

Mmm.

It was really nice
to meet you guys.

Mind if I take
a little sliver?

Go for it.

Beauty.

Want a plate?

Uh-uh.

I know what you're thinking.
Where does she put it, right?

You guys, thanks for the cake.
You didn't have to do this.

Hey, it was the least
we could do,

seeing as how you worked
so hard to become

"indispensable"
to the company.

Is that that new thing
called sarcasm?

Hal, we all know you're
about as deep as a puddle.

In fact, that used to be
part of your charm.

But this just
flat out sucks.

What are you
talking about?

If you have one ounce of integrity
left, you'll break it off immediately,

before you hurt
the poor girl.

I gotta give you credit for being more
proactive and starting to meet women

and who knows? Maybe you are
on a roll here or something.

But don't you think it's time
to raise the bar a little?

I mean, at first I thought you
were in a slump, you know?

I could, as a friend,
look the other way

while you banged a few fatties
and got it out of your system.

But there's lots of
good-eatin' fish out there.

You don't have to snack
on carp any more.

I suppose the girls we partied
with a couple weeks ago downtown

were a couple of carp, too?

No. Laura, the one
with the whiskers,

she looked more
like a catfish.

Oh, I see.
And what about Marie?

Pop some bolts on her neck,

and the villagers
will be chasing her.

And Vicki?
Who?

Vicki!
Who's Vicki?

Vicki Vicki.
With the short brown hair.

Vicki? I thought that was a guy.
I was calling her Vic!

Oh, you're out
of your mind!

Look, I know I'm being
a little harsh on you here.

I think real friends are obligated
to be honest with each other.

This one that you're dating now...
Jeez.

Careful.

Hey, all I'm saying is she's
got cankles, for God's sake.

What?

Cankles!
She's got no ankles.

The calf merged with the foot,
cut out the middleman.

She has coffee cans.

I know what cankles are.

Rosemary doesn't have 'em.

You know what?
I know what you're doing here.

You're scared.

Scared?

Yup. This is exactly what you did with
the knockout with the weird frinkly toe.

You're inventing reasons to dump
girls 'cause you're afraid.

All right, look. I admit Rosemary
is kind of cool, all right?

But admit you wouldn't
talk to that woolly mammoth

if her father wasn't
company president.

What?

I guarantee you've never met anyone
like this guy who's coming with us.

You're gonna love him.

Great.

What's his girlfriend like?

I haven't met her.

They just started going out.
Oh, there he is.

Walt!

At your cervix!

Hey, you recognize
these panties?

Rosemary, don't
steal my lines.

You two know each other?

Yeah!

Gosh, Walt's been volunteering
down at the hospital for years.

Oh.

So where's this
mystery girl?

She should be
here any minute.

Hey, I want you
to be honest.

Is this outfit too
"Hey, look at me"?

No, no.
It's very subtle.

Sorry I'm late.

Tanya.

Oh. What a surprise.

♪ I've spent all
summer days drivin'

♪ I'm tired of
holidays ruined

♪ No more takeaways,
expired food

I gotta get a map.

I'm going with you.

What are those for?

Ever walk through a truck-stop
men's room on your hands?

Want anything?

Potato chips.
And dip.

Cut it out.

So, Tanya, I had no idea that you and
Walt were, you know, seeing each other.

Yeah. You got a light?

It's actually
a very funny story.

Because he had been asking me
out for a really long time,

and I was always
kind of unavailable.

And then just when
he had given up,

I broke up with my boyfriend,
and there he was.

So I asked him out.

So he kind of grew
on you, huh?

Exactly. I mean,
you gotta admit,

when you first meet him,
it is Kind of jarring.

I mean, you kind of don't
even know what goes where.

But anyway, the timing couldn't
have been more perfect,

because he had just
sold his company,

and he has all this
time on his hands,

and we can plan things,

and travel, and go
shopping and...

Well, I guess
timing's everything.

Hope you like bean dip.

♪ I'd already picked up
all the faces

♪ And I, I wanna
show you all the places

♪ And I, I wanna
take a little ride

♪ Wanna take a little ride

♪ In the countryside
with you

Yeah! That was
my girl.

Oh, my God. I'm
the biggest nerd.

Mmm-mmm.

Rosemary!

Ralph!

Hi.

You remember Li'iBoy?

Li'iBoy. Yeah.

How are you?

Mahalo, Rosemary.

How you doing?
Great.

Wow. Do they still got
you out in Sierra Leone?

No, no. Now they got
me near my home.

I'm on this island in the
South Pacific called Carabas.

I'm Hal.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hal.

These are my
Peace Corps buddies.

This is Ralph Owens and Li'iBoy.
This is Hal Larson.

What's up?
Li'iBoy.

So, what are you guys
doing up here?

Li'iBoy's been stuck in the office
training for the last 30 days,

so I dragged him up here
and threw him on the slopes.

It wasn't pretty.

I knew this Hawaiian guy
in high school

who went out for the hockey team.
It was funny as shit.

Anyway, it's great
to see you again.

You look happy.

Thanks. I am.

Well, we got a long
drive back, so...

Bye.

Bye.
Good to meet ya.

You okay?

Uh-huh.

It's just that do you remember how I
told you that once I had a boyfriend?

Uh-huh.

That was him.

You're welcome.
Sure. What's your name?

Excuse me, Mr. Robbins.
Can I have a word with you, sir?

Sure, but I gotta
catch a plane.

It's only gonna
take a minute.

A few weeks ago, you got trapped
in an elevator with my friend.

Oh, yeah! Hal.
He was a great guy. Yes.

He was having relationship
troubles. How is he?

That's a matter
of debate.

Really?

Anyway, apparently, you
gave him like a pep talk,

and now he's under the impression
that he can get any woman he wants.

And you don't think he can?

I don't know. Whatever.

But see, the point is, lately the
only women he wants are ugly.

Who says they're ugly?

Bausch & Lomb.

And very fat,
some of them.

It's like Hal has
lowered his whole...

Jesus, you've got
a big noggin.

Thanks for noticing.

My new book has
a chapter on blurting.

You might want
to pick it up.

Yeah, I'll check into that.

Anyway, I mean, did
something go wrong here?

Is he having
a nervous breakdown?

No. Haven't you
heard the phrase,

"Beauty is in the eye
of the beholder"?

Yeah. Did you ever hear the
song Who Let the Dogs Out?

It can't be that bad.

Look, exactly what did
you do to him, man?

I altered his perception
a little bit.

I knew it. I knew it!
I knew it!

You messed with his
eyesight, right? No.

No. You hypnotized him.

No. I dehypnotized him.
He's been hypnotized his whole life.

He's totally focused
on the outside.

I helped him
see inner beauty,

including people you think
are not physically attractive.

How can he see their inner beauty
when he doesn't even know them?

Inner beauty's easy to see
when you're looking for it.

But how can he not
feel them when he's...

The brain sees what the
heart wants it to feel.

All right, look. Let's just out
through the old crapcake here, huh?

Okay.

Sir, don't you think it's
wrong to brainwash someone?

Don't you think
you're brainwashed?

All you know about beauty
is programmed.

TV, magazines, movies, they all tell
you what's beautiful, what isn't.

How's this any different?

Look, I didn't come here to debate you!
I just want my friend back!

Now, isn't there some kind of
word or phrase or something

to take the whammy off him?

Of course.
But if we do that,

he'll go back to judging
everybody by the outside.

Is this what
he really wants?

I don't care!

It's what I want!
I want my friend back!

I gotta go. I gotta catch my plane.
I'm really sorry.

Look, a man's reputation, dignity and
furniture are being trashed here!

Perhaps irreparablyl For God's
sakes, his job is in jeopardy!

His job? Really?

Yes. And it's a great job.

I just wanted to give him a gift.
I didn't want him to get hurt.

You seem to know him
better than I do, so...

It's a shame to let it go.

Oh, it's a tragedy.

So, what'd you wanna
talk to me about?

Um, Ralph called me.

Your old boyfriend Ralph?

Well, he was also my division
leader in Sierra Leone.

Anyway, he's shipping out
to Carabas in 10 days,

and he wants me
to go with his group.

What? You and Ralph?
Carabas?

They're in
an economic meltdown.

100,000 people need medical supplies
and food, and they want me to help.

How can you be so selfish?

Sorry?

I mean, you know
what I'm saying.

You bump into pretty boy Ralph on
Friday, the sparks are flying,

and now you're gonna go
and save the world in Carabas?

This has nothing to do
with me and Ralph.

Yeah, right.

He's obviously
crazy about you.

He's got
the heart of a saint.

I could practically see the halo around his head.
I can't compete with that.

Okay, first of all, you're probably
the only person in the free world

to ever refer to Ralph
as a "pretty boy."

Secondly, that halo around his
head, it's called psoriasis.

You can't stand near him
without getting flaked on.

And thirdly, and fourthly, yes, he's
a great guy and he cares about me,

but he had no
sense of humor.

And I'm in love with
an even greater guy.

Well, then how come I don't
have any say in this thing?

You do. That's why...

Oh, no! God,
are you okay?

I think so.

Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.

You should be sorry!
It's an outrage!

I'll go get help.

Okay. Are you okay,
sweetie?

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.

It's this flimsy-ass
four-star restaurant.

Just sit right there.
I'm gonna go talk to the manager, okay?

I'll be right back.

Good night.
Thank you.

Look, I'm not blaming you,
but I need an extra chair.

My girlfriend's jinxed
when it comes to furniture.

Yeah. I know.
I'm so sorry.

The waiter told me
what happened.

One sec. Mclntosh's.

Yes.

Hello?

Shallow Hal wants a gal.

What?

Shallow Hal wants a gal.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I just saved
your life, baby.

What?

I've been looking
for you all day.

I'm at Mclntosh's with Rosemary.
Look, I got kind of a...

Are you looking
right at her?

No, I'm talking to
the hostess. But...

Don't... Hal!

Look, I got a situation here.
I'll call you later.

Look away!

Um, I was just talking
to the hostess.

Right. That would be me.

No, no. It was
the other hostess.

Sir, I'm the only
hostess in the restaurant.

Let me apologize about the booth.
We are so sorry.

We've replaced your date's side
with a new chair, a strong one,

and the meal's
gonna be on us.

Okay.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Excuse me. Did you...
Did you move us?

No. Second table
on the right.

Well, then maybe you can explain
to me why that robust woman

is eating
my girlfriend's...

Hey! Now she's eating
my clams casino!

Sweetie, are you okay?

Excuse me.

Mclntosh's. Tiffany.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

We're two friends walking.
Just walking. Hey, come on.

And then Robbins confirmed
exactly what I thought!

Which is?

You weren't irresistible
to women.

He hypnotized you so that
really ugly girls that you met

from then on would, to you,
look like Supermodels.

If they had inner beauty
or some baloney.

See, you could get
any woman you desired

because you were suddenly
desiring the undesirable!

You get it?

No, not exactly.
Let me put it this way.

It's like he gave you
beer-goggle laser surgery.

Now wait a second.

So what you're saying is all the pretty girls
I've met lately are not really pretty?

All right. Let's
look at the facts.

They were funny,
smart and nice.

Pretty girls
are not funny!

And they're certainly
not nice! Not to us!

When I found out
what he did,

I had him take
the trance away.

When I said, "Shallow Hal
wants a gal," you were cured.

You're out of your mind.
Do you know that?

I'm going back
to the restaurant.

Hal. Hal, come on.

Hal!

You never called me back.

What happened to you?
Excuse me?

Oh.

I've got my hair back.

It's me Katrina.

We shared the cab together.

I'm in town taking care
of my grandma,

'cause, she's
been sick, and...

Oh, wait a minute!
I get it!

Nice try, Mauricio.
Where'd you find this one?

No, it's me Katrina.

From Boston.
The magical fruit?

Yes, I remember Katrina.
But the thing is, you're not...

I never told you about...

Katrina! How the heck are ya?
Give me some sugar.

I didn't recognize you.
The hair and the...

You screwed me! I had a beautiful,
caring, funny, intelligent woman,

and you made her
disappear!

Oh, no, I didn't.

I just made Rosemary appear!

There's a difference.
It's called reality.

Hey, if you can see something and hear it and
smell it, what keeps it from being real?

Third-party perspective.

Other people agreeing
that it's real.

Okay, let me ask
you a question.

Who's the all-time
love of your life?

Wonder Woman.

Okay. Let's say Wonder Woman
falls in love with you, right?

Would it bother you if the rest of the
world didn't find her attractive?

Not at all.
'Cause I know they'd be wrong.

That's what I had
with Rosemary!

I saw a knockout!
I don't care what anybody else saw!

Jeez, I never thought
about it that way.

Hey, I guess I really
did screw you, huh?

What am I gonna do?

Hey, hey, don't panic.

We just get Tony
Robbins back here,

he puts the Vulcan
mind meld on ya.

Then puts you back under.
Good idea.

For now, avoid Rosemary.

Why?

Because if you see
the real Rosemary,

hypnosis is not
gonna help you.

You'll need, like, the Jaws of Life
to get that image out of your head.

Hal, open up. It's me.

I hear you in there.

Just a sec, Rosemary.

What happened to you?

I got something in my eye.
I had to run back here and flush it out.

Yeah, the hostess said that you seemed
a little cuckoo. So, come on, open up!

I can't. Uh...

We'll club her. No.

I'm... I'm...

I'm very sick!
I've got...

CC!

You have what?

Contagious conjunctivitis.

I'll take my chances.
Now open up.

All right.
In a minute.

I told you it was nasty.

Are you okay? Do you need
to go to the hospital?

Nah, nah. I got some drops.
I'll be fine.

Oh, my poor baby.

Yeah. Well, I should
probably rack out.

This has taken
a lot out of me.

Okay.

Um...

Well, I'll call you in the morning
and see how you're doing.

Great. Great. Bye-bye.

♪ Pop the cork,
a champagne glass

♪ Raise to the future,
drink to the past

♪ Thank the Lord
for the friends he cast

♪ In the play He wrote for you

♪ And if you love the girl, man,
light up a torch

♪ Blaze a trail
to her front porch

♪ Kiss her till your lips
are scorched

♪ Till the rain comes
down on you

♪ Bless your sweet mistakes

Hal, is everything
all right with you?

Yeah. Yeah, it's topnotch, sir.
Why?

Well, it's just that Rosemary's
been telling me that

she's having a bit of trouble getting you
on the telephone the last couple of days.

Now, I wouldn't be working
you too hard, would I?

Uh... Uh...

No. I mean,
I'm working hard,

but I guess I've just been a
little preoccupied with things.

But I'll make sure and
touch base with her.

Right.

Right. Okay, then.

I'm sorry. You know, apparently
this Tony Robbins guy

is tougher to track down
than I thought he'd be.

I'll come through.
I promise.

I can't keep this up.

Hey, calm down.

I don't know, Mauricio.
Maybe I should just see her.

I mean, I do have...

You know, the heart thing.

Maybe that's enough
to overcome her appearance.

It could be like in that
movie, The Crying Game.

When the guy fell in love
with a beautiful woman?

When he found out it was
a guy, it didn't matter,

'cause he already loved her.

Hal, if a set of hairy boys was your
biggest hurdle here, I'd say go for it.

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.

Hey, what's up, Rosemary?

What happened yesterday?

Hmm?

Well, I stopped by your office to say
hi, but you just took off running.

Oh, you're kidding.

No.

What were you doing?

I was jogging.

In your business suit?

I had a sweat suit
underneath.

Is everything...

What's going on, Hal?

Things haven't felt
the same lately.

NO?
No.

Hey, Rosemary, don't worry.
Everything...

I'm just in a little funk right now,
and everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah. So...

I guess I'll talk to
you tomorrow? Bye.

Bye.

♪ What happened to you?

♪ I can't get to you

♪ 'Cause there's a wall
in your heart

♪ That no one can
get through

♪ And it's cold and it's dark

♪ And you don't have a clue

♪ But this Wall, it will fall

♪ If it's the last thing I do

♪ I'll get through

♪ This wall in your heart

- Who is it?
- Hal, is that you?

It's Jill.

Coming.

Hey, what's up?

My girlfriend just
bailed on me,

and I was wondering if I could
take you out to dinner.

I'm sorry.
Tonight's not good.

Oh, come on.
Don't be such a stiff.

I want to talk to you
about some stuff.

No, really. I can't.

Please? We'll go
out just as friends.

Oh, come on.
You gotta eat, don't you?

Can I ask you
something, Jill?

Yeah.

Why the sudden thaw?

Well, I've been
thinking a lot.

Hal, I made a mistake.

I shouldn't have
broken it off with you.

Well, you didn't
really break it off.

I mean, we only had
that one date.

You did the right thing.
We were going nowhere.

We had nothing in
common, remember?

But that was my fault.
I shut you out emotionally.

We could have had more things
in common if I'd wanted to.

Mr. Shanahan,
how are you this evening?

How am I? Tonight I feel like a
thorn amongst a bed of roses.

Your table's ready.
John will seat you.

Right this way, please.

I'm just gonna go
to the ladies' room.

Okay, Rosie,
we'll be at the table.

Yeah. See, why did you shut
me out in the first place?

I'm just curious.

Well, frankly, I guess I
thought you were shallow.

Me?

Yeah. You struck me as this
kind of superficial dickwad.

I don't know.
What do you call it?

Hal, it's okay. I've been
watching you the past few weeks.

I've seen the women
you go out with.

And now I know appearances mean
absolutely nothing to you.

If anything, you're
pathologically unshallow.

I don't know
about that.

It's true.

Listen, I have an idea.

Why don't we get all
this food to go? Why?

Because it'll taste
a lot better in bed.

You know, there are a few
times in a guy's life,

and I mean like two
or three, tops,

when he comes to a crossroads,
and he's gotta decide.

If he goes one way, he can
continue what he's doing

and be with any girl
who will have him,

and if he goes the other way, he
gets to be with only one woman,

maybe for the rest
of his life.

Now, it seems like by taking the second
road, he's missing out on a lot.

But the truth is, he gets
much more in return.

He gets to be happy.
Are you wearing panties?

God, what am I saying? No!

No, I'm sorry. Jill, this...
This isn't gonna happen.

I think I'm gonna go down
that other road for once.

Hi.
Hello.

Hello?

Hey, hey, hey now.

It's me, your love bunny.

I miss you and
I wanna see you.

What's the matter?
You sound upset.

What are you,
some kind of psycho?

God.

Hello? Rosie?

Just you leave me
daughter alone.

I don't understand.

The jig is up,
and she knows it!

Well, she hasn't returned my calls.
What's going on?

It's a little late to be worrying
about that now, don't you think?

Besides, she went and accepted
that Peace Corps assignment.

No offense, Mr. Shanahan, but I think
I have a right to hear this from her.

I'll give you your rights.
I'll give you your last rites,

you self-righteous
little shit!

You know, I wanted to like you.
I truly did.

And all of that malarkey that you
gave me that night at the house,

I bought into it.

In spite of all me better
instincts, I took the hook.

I don't know.
Maybe I share in the blame of it all.

Maybe I just... I just wanted to believe
that there was still a decent guy out there.

A lad that would be
right for me daughter.

But, sir...

Don't speak!
Just you listen!

Now, thankfully, as it turns
out, there is a guy out there.

His name is Ralph Owens.

Pretty boy Ralph?

Don't be a smart-ass.
Now you listen to me.

They're back together, and me
daughter has a chance to be happy.

And you, you'll be
respectin' that.

♪ Well, I dreamed I saw
the knights in armor coming

♪ Saying something about a queen

♪ There were peasants singin'
and drummers drummin'...

Excuse me. Could you tell me what
floor Rosemary Shanahan works on?

I think she's up
in Pediatrics.

Yeah. That's third floor.

Thank you.

♪ That was floating
on the breeze

Hal, is that you?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I...

I came to see Rosemary.

Oh, well, she left early.
She seemed upset about something.

Any idea where
she went?

You got me.

Hi, Hal.

Hi.

Um...

How do you know
my name?

It's me Cadence.

Oh. Hi, Cadence.

How are you, beautiful?

How come you haven't
come back to see us?

Um...

Well...

Me and Rosemary have been
having some problems.

I was really stupid.

Oh.

Well, why don't you go buy her a present
and then maybe you can make up?

You were right.

Huh?

In the gym last week when you said I
was scared of women, you were right.

Nah, I didn't mean that.
I was just...

No, come on, Hal.
It's the truth.

I'm terrified of 'em.

I haven't been close
to a woman my whole life.

I'm a coward, all right?

But why? I mean, look at you.
You're a mountain of a man.

You got more style
than Mr. Blackwell.

You're pulling in what,
28, 29 G's a year?

$29,500.

You're the perfect catch.

I know. I know.
It's crazy.

I just have this thing.

What thing?

It's kind of a

birth defect thing.

Jeez, man. I didn't know.
What is it?

I have a tail.

Huh?

A tail.

What do you mean,
like a story?

No, a tail.
It's like a waggy tail.

My backbone is longer
than it's supposed to be.

It's like a genetic
abnormality.

It's a vestigial tail.

You do not.

Yeah, I do.

Get out!

You see? If I can't even get
my best friend to accept it,

how am I supposed
to expect some woman to?

Wait a second.
Are you for real?

'Cause if you are,
I gotta see this.

No, you don't wanna see it.

No, I don't wanna.
I gotta.

Good Lord.

All right.
You believe me now?

Oh, man.
It really does Wag.

Only when I'm nervous
or happy.

Wow. Have you ever
thought about, you know,

maybe getting it cut off?

Cut off? I don't know why
I never thought of that

when I was getting pummeled in gym
class by a bunch of barking seniors!

All right, calm down.

God!

The damn thing is wrapped around an artery!
No doctor will touch it!

Well, it's not so bad.

I guarantee you there's some girls out
there who would think it was adorable.

Like a little puppy dog.

Really?

You think it's like
a puppy dog?

It's cute as a button.

You want to pet
the little fella?

No!

But, you know, I'm not
much of a dog person.

Huh.

By the way, you're gonna need a
little sod on the fairway there.

Huh? What do you mean?

So, what are you
doing right now?

Nothing. Why?
Can I get a lift?

I gotta go see
someone.

Yeah. Sure.
Great.

♪ Feels like
longer than forever, yeah

♪ My home is now
a distant land

♪ If I had one wish,
I wish I could be

♪ Back on that rock
in the middle of the sea

♪ My heart is calling me
to the islands

♪ My home is now
a distant land

♪ If I had one wish,
I wish I could be

♪ Back on that rock...

Hey! Hal, right?

Have we met?

It's me, Li'iBoy.

I met you up in the
mountains with Ralph.

Oh, yeah, Li'iBoy.
How ya doing? Yeah.

Yeah, you look like
you've been working out.

Nah.

So, do you know
if Ralph is in the office?

Yeah. Ralph!

Hal! Hey, Hal.

Hey.

Yeah.
How ya doing?

Oh, I'm doing great. You're looking good.
So, what can I do you for?

Um...

I came here to
congratulate you.

Oh. On?

Look... Um...

You got a great girl,
and you deserve her.

More than me.

And the truth is,
I'm happy for Rosemary.

But understand this.
You better be good to her, Ralph.

You better be good to her.

Ralph, if you ever...
If you ever mess up and make her unhappy,

I'll be waiting in the wings, and
I'll pounce on you. Like a tiger!

Like a tiger on a deer, with a
cloven hoof and with a broken arm!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hal.
What are you talking about?

I know you're back together.
Let's not play games.

Rosemary and I
aren't back together.

You're not?

Well, let's put it
this way.

Her parents are throwing a going-away
party for her as we speak.

I wasn't even invited.

♪ We are building a religion
we are building it bigger

♪ We are widening the corridors
and adding more lanes

This seems crazy.

Yeah.
That's 'cause it is.

But crazy's all you got.

Amen to that.

Good luck, Hal.

♪ It is useless to resist it,
his cigarette is burning

♪ He is living comfort eagle,
you can meet at his location

♪ But you better come with cash,
now his hat is on backwards

Well, I could
use a drink.

What do you say we
slide around the side here?

Yeah, we'll blend in.

Yeah.

Hello?

Rosie?

Excuse me.
What are you doing... Shh.

I love you.

I'm not going anywhere
until you near me out.

What are you doing?

Who are you?

Who... Hal, are you drunk?
It's me, Mrs. Shanahan.

I have some things to say to your daughter
and I'm not leaving here until I do.

Okay. But could you release Helga
so she can get back to work?

Get ready, Li'iBoy.
It's show time.

Well, Hal,
now's your chance.

What are you doing here?

Oh, my God.
You're beautiful.

You have no right
to be here.

Hal, come on.
This isn't working out.

I'm okay.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm having a word
with your daughter.

Well, it better be goodbye!

You've got her all up...

Steve! Shut up.

Rosemary, I am so
sorry that I hurt you.

I've been really dumb.

I'm immature.
I'm unthoughtful.

I'm a friggin' idiot.

But I love you.

You're the only girl
I've ever loved.

And I just didn't want you to
go away without knowing that.

You really hurt me.

I know.

But if you'll let me,

I want to spend the rest of
my life making it up to you.

Well, your timing
is terrible.

I mean, I'm leaving for Carabas
tonight for 14 months.

I'm sorry, Rosemary.
I just can't wait that long.

I understand.

Which is why
I'm going with you.

What?

Yeah, it's true, Rosie.

Big Kahuna here just swore him into
the Corps about a half-hour ago.

That's right.
He's official.

Are you sure that's
what you want to do?

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

♪ It can never explain
your heart

♪ And the touch

♪ Of my lips

♪ You want me to change

♪ I can't get used to

♪ All you want me to be

♪ And I just can't pretend

♪ To be anyone else

♪ 'Cause it's not really me

♪ This is my world

♪ This is who I am

♪ And I'm not trying
to give up myself

♪ To make your life better

♪ She said

♪ This is how it is

♪ I got my own life to live

♪ And you can either
accept me or

♪ And if it's love

♪ That we share

Here's your bag, Rosemary.
Thank you.

Congratulations, Hal.

Thank you. Hey.

Rosemary.
Bye.

Just keep it right there
at the airport.

I'll pick it up later.
Congrats.

We love you, Rosie.

I love you, Mom!

Yes. And, Rosemary, you'd
better be looking after me lad.

I will.

♪ She ain't got no money,
her clothes are kinda funny

Later, dudes!

♪ Her hair is kinda
wild and free

♪ Oh, but love grows
where my Rosemary goes

♪ And nobody knows like me...

Say bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

♪ She talks kind of lazy,
people say she's crazy

♪ And her love's a mystery...

You like puppy dogs,
do you?

Oh! Anything to do
with dogs, I melt.

Why don't we go around back,
get a little drink?

Sure. Yeah? Come on, big fella.

♪ It's a feelin' that's fine,
and I just gotta say

♪ Hey

♪ She's really got
a magical spell

♪ And it's workin' so well

♪ That I can't get away

♪ I'm a lucky fella
and I just gotta tell her

♪ That I love her endlessly

♪ Because love grows
where my Rosemary goes

♪ And nobody knows like me

♪ There's something
about her hand holdin' mine

♪ It's a feelin' that's fine,
and I just gotta say, hey

♪ She's really got
a magical spell

♪ And it's workin' so well
that I can't get away

♪ I'm a lucky fella
and I just gotta tell her

♪ That I love her endlessly

♪ Because love grows
where my Rosemary goes

♪ And nobody knows like me

♪ It keeps growing
every place she's been

♪ And nobody knows like me

♪ If you met her
you'll never forget her

♪ And nobody knows like me

♪ We are building a religion

♪ We are building it bigger

♪ We are widening the corridors
and adding more lanes

♪ We are building a religion,
a limited edition

♪ We are now accepting callers
for these pendant key chains

♪ To resist it is useless,
it is useless to resist it

♪ His cigarette is burning
but he never seems to ash

♪ He is grooming his poodle,
he is living comfort eagle

♪ You can meet at his location
but you better come with cash

♪ Now his hat is on backwards,
he can show you his tattoos

♪ He is in the music business,
he is calling you

♪ Dude!

♪ Now today is tomorrow,
and tomorrow today

♪ And yesterday is weaving
in and out, out, out

♪ And the fluffy white lines that
the airplane leaves behind

♪ Are drifting right in front
of the waning of the moon

♪ He is handling the money

♪ He's serving the food

♪ He knows about your party,
he is calling you

♪ Dude!

♪ Now do you believe
in the one big sign?

♪ The doublewide shine
on the bootheels of your prime

♪ Doesn't matter if you're skinny,
doesn't matter if you're fat

♪ You can dress up like a sultan
in your onion-head hat

♪ We are building a religion,
we are making a brand

♪ We're the only ones to turn to
when your castles turn to sand

♪ Take a bite of this apple,
Mr. Corporate Events

♪ Take a walk through the jungle
of cardboard shanties and tents

♪ Some people drink Pepsi,
some people drink Coke

♪ The wacky morning deejay
says democracy's a joke

♪ He says now do you believe
in the one big song?

♪ He's now accepting callers
who would like to sing along

♪ He says do you believe
in the one true edge?

♪ By fastening your safety belts
and stepping towards the ledge

♪ He is handling the money,
he is serving the food

♪ He is now accepting callers,
he is calling me

♪ Dude!

♪ Now do you believe
in the one big sign?

♪ The doublewide shine
on the bootheels of your prime

♪ There's no need to ask directions
if you ever lose your mind

♪ We're behind you,
We're behind you

♪ And let us please remind you

♪ We can send a car to find you
if you ever lose your way

♪ I think of you

♪ Wherever you may go

♪ I know that you are only
one dream away

♪ So don't give up, baby

♪ Don't give in

♪ If we try we can begin again

♪ I know what we've been through

♪ But I still think of you

♪ I think of you

♪ Whenever I get down

♪ Whenever I get weary

♪ I think of you

♪ When you're not around

♪ I wonder if you hear me
call out your name

♪ So don't give up, baby

♪ Don't give in

♪ If we try we can begin again

♪ I know what we've been through

♪ But I still think of you

♪ I think of you

♪ Whenever I get down

♪ Whenever I get weary

♪ I think of you

Hey, kid. How 'bout
these Rossi boots?

They fit like
a glove or what?