Shall We Dance (1937) - full transcript

Ballet star Pete "Petrov" Peters arranges to cross the Atlantic aboard the same ship as the dancer he's fallen for but barely knows, musical star Linda Keene. By the time the ocean liner reaches New York, a little white lie has churned through the rumor mill and turned into a hot gossip item: that the two celebrities are secretly married. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food

Wassi, Wassi, stop that. Oh, the idea.
Voulez vous me to, to call the police?

J'essayais seulement de
perfectionner la nature.

En effet vous avez
exactement I'air d'un chameau.

- What's that mean in English?
- Same as it does in French monsieur.

All right.

Comme ça, a little brook,
comme ça, a little river.

- Ou est Petrov?
- Comme ça, a little brook.

- Comme ça, a little river.
- Ou est, where is Petrov?

Please, can you not see I am busy
being a wave? Comme ça, a little river,

Comme ça, a little brook, comme ça,
a little river, comme ça, a little brook.

Where is Petrov?

Look here,

I don't want to be bourgeois and remind
anybody that I'm the owner of this company...

but if somebody doesn't tell me where Petrov
is, this going to be trouble for everybody.

He's in his private room
practicing his grand leap.

- Thank you.
- But he does not want to be disturbed.

Thank you.

- What is this? What is this?
- Hi, Jeffrey.

Stop it, stop it, stop that music.

- What on earth are you doing?
- I'm just having fun.

Fun? The great Petrov doesn't dance for fun.

The great Petrov doesn't,
but I do, Pete Peters, remember me?

Oh, that awful name of yours.

I was born with it, it isn't bad.
Pete Peters, Philadelphia, PA.

How you make that exasperating noise?
What do you got on those shoes?

- Taps.
- Taps?

On your ballet shoes.

- Sure.
- Sacrilege.

At last I'm beginning to understand why
you wanted a private room to dance in.

All this time I thought you
were practicing your grand leap.

But Jeff, I haven't neglected
anything. Look, Le entrechat trois.

- Lovely, beautiful.
- But how much more effective it is this way.

Lovely, beaut, I forbid that, that's not art.

Maybe it isn't. Perhaps
it's just the Philadelphia in me.

Oh Jeff, I wish we
could combine the technique...

of the ballet with the warmth
and passion of this other mood.

Mood? What other mood?
You mean this jazz business?

Oh, jazz went out with
the flapper, that isn't jazz.

After 15 years of the hardest work you
want to dwindle into a shimmy dancer.

Forget all that nonsense, here, look at this.
You realize we ought to be sailing?

Do you realize that the Metropolitan
in New York City is getting nervous?

I'm sorry but I have to
stay in Paris a while yet.

Stay in Paris? What for? Why? Why? Why?

- That's grace, that's rhythm.
- What is that? What have you got there?

Isn't she lovely?

Isn't she lovely? I, Oh.

So that's it. Who is that girl?
Who is she? Where you ever meet her?

That's just it, I haven't
been able to meet her yet.

- Oh?
- But I hope to dance with her someday.

- Dance? With her?
- Sure.

Are you mad?

Look here, are you sure that she hasn't
tried to persuade you to stay on here?

I told you I haven't even met her.
But I kind like to marry her.

Think I will.

You're so beautiful when you're angry. Pardon
Mlle, I cannot help what I cannot help.

Neither can I.

You cannot let us up like this.
It is not up she let us, it is down.

- Up or down, she let us.
- It is all your fault, you kissed her.

- But it is in the play.
- Why, you kissed her out of the play too.

Go home all of you, go home.

Well, hello my little
darling, what you got there?

It's Mr. Miller miss,
he just arrived from New York.

- Hello Arthur.
- Hello Lin.

You better go.

If I ever walk on a stage again.

- How you get here?
- By rail.

I hung over every inch of it.

New experience for you,
usually have your foot on one.

Yes Lin.

Of all the humiliating experiences.

Did you ever dance with a man you didn't you
didn't care about and who's in love with you?

No Lin.

Why do actors have to take
the author's lines literally?

And why must there always
be a kiss at the second act curtain?

As long as I live, I hope I never
see another hand kissing heel clicker.

Careful Lin, you know I come
from a long line of heels myself.

But we've never clicked.

And it's all your fault too.

I was a happy, peaceful
girl until you discovered me.

Fame, name in lights.
Never should've listened to you.

I'll quit.

- I'll retire from the stage forever.
- Again?

It does you good to break an engagement.

Engagement, that's what I'll do. Tai.

Send a cable to Jim Montgomery.

Tell him I want to see him desperately and
I'm coming back on the Queen Anne tomorrow.

Yes ma'am.

Now Lin, don't lose your
head, you have to stay in theater.

Never. I refuse to be
a bowl in a gold of fish.

- You mean a fish in a bowl of gold.
- That's what I said, a bowl in a goldfish.

- Just a moment please.
- Thank you.

Petrov? What's a Petrov?

Just the Russian ballet's greatest dancer.

Oh fine, but tell him to go back to Moscow.

The gentleman seems
very anxious to see you miss.

I got enough troubles without
adding a dizzy Russian to them.

Just another dancer to swoon in my arms.

That's all I need to make things
perfect, a simpering toe-dancer.

Get rid of him...

he probably only wants to say he's seen
a picture of me and can't live without me.

Otschi tschornyije.

I am Petrov.

Charmed, I'm Linda, Linda...

- Linda, Linda Keene.
- Yes.

How do you do?

- Otschi tschornyije.
- To glad you came Mr. Petrov.

Not Mister, Petrov alone.

Just Petrov.

And why not? Just Caesar,
just Napoleon and only Garbo.

So Petrov too, she's enough.

Just about enough.

And you, I understand
you want to dance with me.

Of course, I cannot blame you.

But I will not permit it.

- Who told you that?
- Ah, a little bird, she tell me so.


Not in the least.

What? You do not want to dance with the
great Petrov? Don't be a silly horse.

Maybe you could, twist for me once.

Like so.

No, I, I, I don't...

- Weest, twist.
- Better twist.

Oh. Oh, get up, I hate this discords.

- Oh, she is horrible, nyet?
- Well, that kind of settles it.

With me, nothing is settled.

Well, I must go now, I must go to Must-go.

Funny, nyet?

- Oh very.
- It kills me.

Otschi tschornyije.

That lunatic is dangerous,
they ought to lock him up.

Oh, am I glad I'm sailing
on the Queen Anne tomorrow.

No, Denise no, I can't
take you back as ballerina.

Why, you've done
absolutely nothing for 4 years.

Everything is been
so peaceful since you left.

It wasn't my fault, Peter
just refused to fall in love with me.

- Peter darling.
- Why, Denise.

- Or should I say Lady Tarrington?
- No, it is Denise again.

Denise wants to come back to the ballet.

Oh, she does? Well, that sounds like fun.

Oh. But I didn't know you felt that way.

Why, of course Denise, you're engaged,
you go downstairs and get your contract.

- Thank you Jeffrey.
- Jeffrey, may I speak you a moment please?

- You'll excuse us please.
- Of course.

Oh, and I'll let you know about the
rehearsals the first thing in the morning.

Of course, we can't give her
anything important to do at first.

You want me to stay with
the company, don't you?

- Oh why, what a question.
- Well, then get rid of her.

Get rid of her?

Remember all the
trouble she caused last time?

But you just told her, I heard you myself.

- I was only being polite.
- Oh, dear, dear.

- And I given her my word.
- Look Jeff, I'll make a deal with you.

- You want me to go to New York, don't you?
- Why, naturally.

I'll sail on the Queen Anne
tomorrow providing you get rid of her.

Tomorrow? Oh dear, that's so sudden, why...

I wouldn't know what to do.
I wouldn't know what to say.

- All right, I stay here in Paris.
- Oh, but I'll think of something, I...

I'll, I'll connive,
I'll connive something good.


- Peter.
- Oh...

Oh, hello Denise.

I feel very bad because
I am not going with you.

- So do I.
- Is your wife going with you?

My wife? I haven't any wife.

Jeffrey told me it was a
secret for professional reasons.

Oh, Jeffrey.

Did he mention how long I've been married?

Yes, he did. Immediately after
dear Tarrington took me away from you.

Dear Tarrington.

Is she sailing with you?

Who? Oh, my wife, yes, of course.

I'd love to meet her.

Well, you couldn't,
she's busy with the children now.

Children? But Jeffrey didn't tell me.
Ah, Jeffrey doesn't know everything.

- Imagine, married 4 years.
- Imagine.

And how many little ones are they?

- Five.
- Five?

Well, twins.

- How wonderful.
- Isn't it?

All visitors ashore.

Well, goodbye Denise.

- Sweet of you to see me off.
- Goodbye Peter.

Bon voyage.

Miss Keene, I know wants me to tell you
how much she hates leaving her dear Paris.

She's enjoyed everything
about it and everybody in it.

All visitors ashore.

Monsieur Petrov? A picture please.

- One more please?
- Alright.

Oh, I certainly do envy
you Pete, going home at last.

I kind like the idea myself.

All right, so long fellows.
Thanks for everything.

- Bye bye.
- Bye.

Otschi tschornyije. Miss Keene.

- Why, just Petrov.
- You come to see me go, nyet?

- Oh yes, isn't it sweet of me?
- I know you come.

Petrov, I have been looking all
over for you. I beg your pardon.

Oh miss Keene, my friend Jeffrey Baird.

- How do you do?
- Oh, really? Miss Keene, I...

- What you say?
- Me? Nothing.

What's the matter with you? You got a cold?

No. I feel like you say, good.

Well, you don't sound so good.
What's the matter with you?

Doesn't Mr. Baird understand Russian?

- Not a...
- Oh, yes.


What sort of a game is this?

Oh, it's just a game
little American boys play.

I beg your pardon sir,
we can't find Mr. Petrov.

Well, you got to find him, he's probably
practicing that jig-a-lig somewhere.

I looked everywhere sir.

Splendid service, that's all I can say.

Bring the world's leading ballet dancer
on board this ship and he disappears...

out of his stateroom
right under your very nose.

Well, he might be in
someone else stateroom sir.

What would he be doing in
someone else stateroom?

That would be entirely up to him sir.

♪ Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom-zoom, zoom ♪

♪ Zoom, zoom, zoom-zoom, zoom,
zoom, zoom-zoom, zoom zoom-zoom, zoom ♪

- ♪ The world is in a mess ♪
- ♪ Yes. ♪

♪ Politics, taxes and people
grinding axes, there's no happiness ♪

♪ Zoom, zoom zoom,
zoom, rhythm need your aid ♪

♪ Future doesn't fret me if I can only
get me, someone to slap that bass ♪

♪ Happiness is not a riddle when
I'm listening to that big bass fiddle ♪

♪ Slap that bass, slap it till it's dizzy
slap that bass, keep the rhythm busy ♪

- ♪ Zoom-zoom-zoom, misery, you got to go. ♪
- ♪ Misery, you got to go ♪

♪ Slap that bass, use it like a tonic,
slap that bass, keep your philharmonic ♪

♪ Zoom-zoom-zoom.
And the milk and honey will flow ♪

♪ Dictators would be better off if
they zoom-zoomed now and then ♪

♪ Today you can see that the happiest
men all got rhythm in which case ♪

♪ If you want to bubble slap that bass, slap
away your trouble learn to zoom-zoom-zoom ♪

♪ Slap that bass. ♪

You aren't really serious
about that marriage idea Lin.

- No, Arthur?
- Well, what about me?

Sorry, but I'm facing real
happiness for the first time in my life.

Yes, and I'm facing bankruptcy
for the third time in my life.

- Steward, Miss.
- Oh, come in.

I ordered lunch for us.
You can put the table right here.

Well, I guess we won't be having
many more of these together.

Lin, I still think you're a sap to
walk out on me just to get married.

No, I'm tired of living the
kind of life I've been living.

Look Lin, I'll give you 10,000
dollars more than I gave you last year.

Oh, you don't understand,
your kind never does.

- Money isn't everything.
- But Lin, after all these years together.

Arthur, I'm tired of being pawed.

I beg your pardon, my compliments Miss.

And as for you sir? Shame.

You misled me, you tricked me, you
knew that she was going to take this boat.

I'll admit the charge and plead
an extenuation of my extreme humor.

And where you've been
all day? With that woman?

Not that woman Jeff,
the woman. But I wasn't with her.

Furthermore, she hasn't
left her room all day, darn it.

Probably one of those night prowlers.

Burt she's not going to prowl too near you
because I intend to accompany you all evening.

- Good, maybe she's got a friend.
- Really?

What's the matter? What you doing?

What you weaving about like that for?

- Weaving?
- Yes.

I'm not weaving, it's the boat.

- You mean, this boat is doing that?
- Of course, must be getting choppy out.

Oh. Oh, of course.

- Why Jeff, what's the matter?
- Oh nothing, nothing, I'm all right, think.

I guess.

- You look terrible.
- Do I?

Why yes. You're all white,
sort of green, kind of yellowish.

- Maybe you ought to go to bed.
- Maybe, no.

Maybe I better get some air.

- Do you mind?
- Not at all.

- What's the matter, old man?
- It's the boa, the whole boat is weaving.

- There, is that better?
- I don't know, really I don't know.

- Straight lemon juice, please.
- I wouldn't drink that.

- No?
- It will make you seasick.

- Oh?
- What this gentleman need is champagne.

Champagne? No, no. I've never
touched champagne in all my life,

- I refuse to touch it.
- Well, you can watch me then.

- Keep them coming.
- Yes sir.


Tell me the truth, do I look bad to you?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know
you well enough to tell you the truth.

Miss, Miss Keene...

You remember the night we met in Paris?

Yes, I remember, otschi tschornyije.

No, wait a minute please,
I want to explain you see...

I once saw a photograph of you and...

I decided right then and
there that I simply had to meet you.

And I tried every way but nobody
in Paris seemed to know you and...

Everybody in Paris knows Linda Keene.
Everybody worth knowing.

Of course. But I just don't
seem to know the right people...


Couldn't you do something about
that right now? As one Yankee to another?

I'm from the South.

Maybe you alls from the north.

Funny, dogs have an
instinct for the right people.

How do you like that?

Marvelous, how you can
do it with so many at one time.

- Let's drink to that.
- Steward, another bottle of this lemon.

He's gone to bed,
must be late, what time is it?

What does your watch say?

Says, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick...

Hey, Jeffrey.

Hello, hello, hello.
Good morning, good morning, good morning.


What's the matter? You lose something?

I got great news for you old man.
You're not going to be seasick.

The captain just told me this will continue
to be the smoothest trip in 10 years.

Well I don't see why you should've such
a big head, you only had one glass.

- Yes, but you kept filling it.
- Your breakfast sir.

What will I do? What will I do?

Well, before you do anything,
you better put that breakfast away.

That'll save me an extra trip.

Oh Walter, come here darling.

What happened?

You ruined your
sweater, now I'll have to fix it.

Isn't it wonderful being
here tonight like this?

Still on the same boat together.

Oh, I seldom change boats in mid ocean.

I mean, look how lucky I am.

First time I find myself on a
boat with somebody like you,

Turns out to be, you.

♪ At any gambling casino
from Monte Carlo to Reno ♪

♪ They tell you that a
beginner comes out a winner. ♪

♪ Beginner fishing for
flounder will catch a 17-pounder ♪

♪ That's what I always heard
and always thought absurd, but now... ♪

I believe every word

♪ for I got beginner's luck the first time
that I'm in love, I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Gosh, I'm lucky, I've got beginner's luck ♪

♪ There never was such
a smile or such eyes of blue ♪

♪ Gosh, I'm fortunate, this thing we
begun is much more than a pastime ♪

♪ For this time is the one where
the first time is the last time ♪

♪ I've got beginner's luck,
lucky through and through ♪

♪ Because the first time that
I'm in love, I'm in love with you. ♪

Bellows, listen to this.

Lady Tarrington left this morning on the
S.S. Marseilles for a trip to America...

to visit her friends, Mr. and Mrs. Petrov,
who are aboard the S.S. Queen Anne.

Upon further questioning, it was learned that
the Petrovs have been married for some time.

Their marriage not having heretofore
been disclosed for professional reasons.

That is news for your morning bulletin.

That must be the musical comedy star
he's with so much, Linda Keene.

By George, you're right.

Sparks just told me that ballet
dancer Petrov is secretly married.

- I'll wager it's to that American dancer.
- Right-o.

And he's been secretly married
to Linda Keene for some time.

They're a lovely-looking
couple, don't you think?

- How do you do?
- Good evening.

That's what I like about
boats, everyone's so friendly.

A toast.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
which nobody can deny ♪

Petrov, Petrov.

Petrov, wake up. Wake up, Petrov.
Wake up, we're going to have a baby.

- What?
- Why did you keep this a secret from me?

- What are you talking about?
- It's all here in the ship's bulletin.

It says you've been married for years to
Linda Keene, and the editor announces, quote.

It is rumored that a blessed
event is imminent, unquote.

Why did this have to happen to me?

To you? It hasn't even happened to me.

Lady Tarrington...

Do you realize that
you're the father of my child?

Of course.
That's ridiculous, that's impossible.

It's very simple, you told Denise
I was married, somebody selected a wife...

and now I'm going to be a father.

- Oh, well, isn't that cute?
- Cute? It's a miracle.

I warned you the association with that
Keene woman would get you into trouble.

As I warned you I was going to
fall in love with her and I have.

Its all your fault,
you go and explain it to her.

I? I'll do nothing of the kind.

Jeff if you want me to...

dance at the Metropolitan, you
go into Linda and clear this thing up.

Oh, in that case, perhaps I'd better.

I'll take care of this.

Operator, operator, get me Mr. Petrov.

What? Don't you dare congratulate me.

Come in.

I come to tell you Miss Keene, that
we will not tolerate your insinuations.

Stay where you are...

While I compose myself.

I suppose you and that toe-dancer
think this whole thing is a good joke?

Well, it wasn't altogether the
toe-dance, Mr. Petrov's fault.

Oh, it wasn't?

A man in Petrov's position
is besieged by women.

Oh, naturally.

And there was one persistent wretch who...

Well, to get rid of her,
he said he was married to you.

- To get rid of her?
- Exactly.

He had to choose somebody and he felt
that a person like you wouldn't mind.

- So, he used me to...
- Exactly.

See? It wasn't altogether a joke.

Good morning, little mother.

Good morning.

I want to book passage on that mail plane.

Oh, I'm sorry but that's
against government regulations.

But I must leave the ship, it's
absolutely urgent that I leave.

Oh, well I understand,
but it is a little irregular.

Well, I'm quite sure
the government would understand.

Well, perhaps under the
existing circumstances Madam...

Not madam, Miss.

Where's Linda?

Oh, pardon me, take a good look.

Gosh, and I could've explained everything.

You couldn't have explained her
embarrassment and humiliation.

Thanks. Now she's going to get married.

- Married?
- Yes.

Marry to a Park Avenue cluck with the longest
yacht and the shortest chin ever christened.

- You driven her to that.
- Me? I didn't do anything.

Only told somebody
you were married to her just...

to get rid of another
dame, only used her, that's all.

- Who said I did?
- Your impresario Mr. Baird.

Oh, he did?

Excuse me gents, but in a few
moments the fire bell will ring.

There's no need to pay any attention
to it, fire drill for ship's crew.

- Right.
- He's probably in here.

Oh Jeff, did you tell Miss Keene that I
used her to get rid of another woman?

Those are my very words dear boy...

and one of these days you're
going to thank me for doing it.

Thank you? Why, I didn't need
you to explain it to her, I...

What is the matter with you Petrov?

Haven't you any feeling of responsibility
for your art, for your company?

Do you realize because of your lies, the best
musical comedy star is quitting show business.

Oh, is that so? Well, that's no loss.

It would be a loss if Petrov were
mixed up with that cheap vaudeville.

However, I scotched
all that and I'm proud of it.

You scotched it alright.

This boat is getting
terrible, what is that noise?

Oh, it's a fire, the boat's on fire.

Oh, is it? Well, this boat?

Ah, of course, yes. What we going to do?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

- Stay where you are.
- Stay where you are.

- Don't move.
- Don't move, but hurry, my word, yes, yes.

- You better get into this.
- What? I'm going to sue the company.

- Yeah, if we get out alive.
- I'll sue them, I'll sue them anyway.

Take this thing, we
may be stranded on an island.

- Yes.
- We'll need this for cold nights.

Oh, I feel the flames, they're
getting nearer and nearer.

- Now, let's keep our heads.
- Keep your head.

- What else do we need? Hats.
- Of course. Hats.

- We don't want head colds.
- No, no.

Gentlemen always dress,
even on a tropical island.

- Oh, and this basket of fruit to eat.
- Yes.

- Oh, I'll pick up a few blankets.
- Blankets.

- No, wait.
- Wait.

A clock, the clock,
so I know when it's bedtime.

Oh Petrov, I know,
I know they lowered our boat.

You got to take this, maybe
on that island for quite a while...

and time will hang heavy on our hands.

- Vary it with a little golf.
- Golf, of course.

- Yeah, go ahead, boat station 4.
- Station 4? Have we got everything?

- Everything.
- Come on fellas, come on, come on.

- Don't forget the blankets.
- Oh, I'll get the blankets.

And don't get excited, just follow me.

Follow me. Come on. There. Oh. Yes.

Come on Petrov, hurry up.

I'm all right, don't get excited.
Don't get excited, anybody.

Everybody keep calm, just calm.
My boat is number 4, my boat is number 4.

Number where? 4, 4.
Alright, I'm here, bring it down.

Let it down, what are you waiting for?

Miss Keene? She's back already?
Oh, goody, goody.

Miss Keene is back,
give me her key, will you please?

Thank you very much.

- Welcome home, I'm so happy to see you back.
- Thank you Cecil.

You're in sooner than we
expected, you, are you alone?

Certainly and who else would be with me?

Oh, you are a one Miss,
keeping it a secret so long.

- There is no secret.
- No, not now.

There never was.

Oh, very well Miss.
I know professional people.

You'll find me the very
soul of discretion. Oh, yes, indeed.

Just one moment
please, I got a surprise for you.


- Jim, I'm so glad to see you.
- I received your cable Linda.

You're looking very well considering.

- Oh well, you look grand too Jim.
- Thanks, I'm lucky that way.

Nothing shows in my face.

- But why didn't you tell me Linda?
- Tell you? Well, there's nothing to tell.

- Then somebody is wrong.
- Oh, that.

A lot of false, malicious gossip.

Petrov? On his way up? Splendid.

- Cecil Flintridge.
- Oh, no, no, no, Jeffrey Baird.

I beg your pardon, Cecil Flintridge.

- I beg your pardon, Jeffrey Baird.
- No, Cecil Flintridge.

I don't like to disillusion you old man,
but I am Jeffrey Baird, Petrov's manager.

And I am Cecil Flintridge.

- You mean you are Cecil Flintridge?
- - Yes, that's what I mean.

- Well, what of it?
- What?

- Cecil, of the hotel.
- Yes, of the hotel.

Of course, well, how are you?

Well, how are you? How do you do, indeed.

You know, I've been at great pains
to make you and Mr. Petrov comfortable.

- Have you really? That's very kind of you.
- Yes, I thought it was very kind of me.

Your suite is right next to Mrs.
Or shall I say miss Keene's.

Miss Keen, what? Oh no.
Oh you, blundering, blunderer.

Petrov? Petrov? Petrov?

- Petrov, do you know where we are?
- Wait a minute, don't tell me.

New York.

Yes, no, we are right next to Linda Keene.

- Good.
- That's what I thought.

Nobody is interested in
what you think, if you do.

I'm only trying to do my best sir.

Well then, do your next best and
move us to another part of this hotel.

Why shouldn't married
people have adjoining suites?

- Because they're not married.
- Not married?


Linda, I only kept The Roof open
in the hope you'd come back.

Since you left I haven't had one revue there.

I couldn't find a big enough name.

- Oh Arthur, I'm not that good.
- You're right Linda, you're not.

Seriously, the crowds who haven't been
on The Roof since you left think you are.

- Oh Arthur, I forgot to tell you something.
- What Lin?

I'm going to be married to Jim Montgomery.

Well, I guess I'm licked.

If you have your mind
made up that definitely...

there's nothing more
I can say to influence you.

No, I'm afraid there's not.

Except to wish me luck.

Why, you know I do Lin,
all the best, the very best.

Thank you Arthur.

Eh, is just one thing
I insist on doing for you.

- What's that?
- Give you and Jim a farewell dinner.

- Tonight, on The Roof.
- Oh, we love it.

- It's so nice of you to think of Jim.
- I think of him constantly.

We had our dinner. What we doing up here?

You find out when I do.

- Petrov.
- Oh yes, Mr. Petrov.

Mr. Miller is expecting you.
This way, please.

- Take this to Evans.
- Yes sir.

- Thanks Arthur.
- Thank you Arthur.

♪ The odds were a hundred to one against me ♪

♪ The world thought the
heights were too high to climb ♪

♪ But people from
Missouri never incensed me ♪

♪ Oh, I wasn't a bit concerned
for from history I had learned ♪

♪ How many, many times the worm had turned ♪

♪ They all laughed at Christopher Columbus
when he said the world was round ♪

♪ They all laughed
when Edison recorded sound ♪

♪ They all laughed at Wilbur and his
brother when they said that man could fly ♪

♪ They told Marconi wireless was a phony
it's the same old cry, they laughed at me ♪

♪ Wanting you said I was reaching
for the moon, but oh, you came through ♪

♪ Now they'll have to change their tune ♪

♪ They all said we never would be
happy, darling let's take a bow ♪

♪ But ho ho ho,
who's got the last laugh now? ♪

And now miss Keene has
graciously consented to dance for us.

But, not alone.

Those of you who have never seen her
famous partner have at least heard of him...

quite a bit lately, Petrov.

- What am I supposed to do?
- Twist.

I got to keep that
marriage story alive Charlie.

The only way I can stop
Lin from marrying Montgomery.

Then you'll have to get a new angle.

Newspapers are cold on this
secret marriage, it's too secret..

They told the boys to lay off
unless you can furnish absolute proof.

I can only hang onto this combination.

Why, the public would
climb of the side of a building to...

see Lin and Petrov dance
together now, we got to do something.

Yeah, furnish the proof that
they're married, that ought to be easy..

I have an idea that's so
dastardly, it's beautiful.

You remember the dream idea
that sculptor sold us on for Lin?

The one we spent 5 grand on and never used.

Yeah, here's where we're
going to collect on it.

- Lin never saw that model, did she?
- Not that I know of.

It breaks my heart to do this...

but with a few slight changes, I'll
turn that dream stuff into a nightmare...

that'll make history.

Poor Lin, look.

♪ They all said we never would be
happy, they laughed at us, and how ♪

♪ But ho ho ho, who had the last laugh now? ♪

- Good morning Tai.
- Good morning miss Linda.

Have you no shame?

- Why I...
- How can you look yourself in the face?

- But I...
- Here I...

emphatically deny your marriage to the
boys and they flash these pictures on me.

Oh, the humiliation of it.

- Lin, I never thought you double cross me.
- Double-cross you? I didn't pose for those.

I suppose that's an old
tintype of your grandmother.

Well, it could be, it's certainly not me.

Linda, I trusted you.

I've done everything I could think of.

Didn't I even bless your
proposed union with Jim?

What a way to treat me, your best friend.

Oh, don't go Arthur, you're
the only one who can help me.

- I've done everything I could.
- But you got to.

- Not anymore.
- You must Arthur.

All right, I'll sue the paper.
I'll get to the bottom of these pictures.

Oh Linda, you mustn't get involved
in this, I can't let you down in this crisis.

- I'll handle the whole thing for you.
- Thank you Arthur, I knew you'd stand by me.

Get me Mr. Petrov.


Oh, it's you. Good morning.

How? What?

Why no, I haven't. Papers?

I'll be right over.

Jeffrey. Oh, Jeffrey.

What is the matter Petrov? When you
shout like that, you frighten me old fellow.

Take a look at this old fellow.

Oh, I read the paper this morning Mr. Petrov.

You won't have to run through the hallway
anymore. Compliments of the management.


I suppose you're going
to say this is Jeffrey's fault.

I suppose you're going to say this isn't you.

I can't, very well. Neither can you, can you?



you don't by any chance
walk in your sleep, do you?


how can you say such a thing?

Well, it's, it's my bed and I'm asleep.


Hello. What?

You want a statement.

- Well, let me tell you, if you think...
- Wait a minute.

Better not say that, it might be libel.

Let me talk, maybe I can put it more gently.

Hello? Who is this please?

Oh, the editor.

Now listen, you and that cheap
outfit that published those pictures...

I know, but, but wait a minute, I'm talking.


Oh, Oh, Jim.

Jim, why, why didn't you phone?
I, I would've been dressed.

I suppose you've seen the morning paper?

- Oh that, lies, ridiculous lies.
- Now, Linda...

I let you talk your
way out of that other picture...

but that's no joke
sitting on that bed, it's you.

Me? That's not me.

Do you think I be caught
dead in that cheap negligee?

That's irrelevant, in the picture
I'm looking at, there's no corpse.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Jim, this is Mr. Petrov.

Mr. Petrov, this is Jim.

Jim Montgomery, my fiancé.

You've heard of Mr. Petrov, haven't you dear?

Yes, isn't he the man
you were telling me about?

Yes, he's the one.

Yes, I'm the one.

I'm glad to see you Mr. Montgomery.

Oh Linda, the editor said he'd be
very happy to retract his statement.

- But, how about those pictures?
- Yes, as I was saying,

How about those pictures?

Oh yes, how about those pictures?

Now Linda, I don't want
to upset you or anything.

But don't you think this is a poor time
to announce our engagement? I mean...

couldn't we wait until things get
a little more straightened out?

Oh yes Jim, of course, it's only fair to you.

- Glad to have met you Mr. Petrov.
- Me too Mr. Montgomery.

Charming chap.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry Linda,
we, we'll manage this somehow.

But how?

Mr. Petrov, the lobby is simply bursting
with reporters, they're on their way up.

- What shall I do? What shall I do?
- Stall them off Cecil.

We'll sneak down the freight
elevator. Yes, stall them off.

Get dressed, I'll meet you
in the park in 15 minutes.


Let's go back, I'm tired.

Gosh, I can't keep this up much longer.
I haven't been on skates since I was a kid.

- It's your idea.
- Yeah.

How much longer do we have to stay out here?

Oh, the reporters will
probably leave by dark.

Guess it would look kind of funny if we
denied the marriage now, wouldn't it?

- I don't know what to do.
- I don't either.

The word is either.

Alright, the word is either.

No use squabbling,
that'll get neither of us anyplace.

The word is neither.

♪ Things have come to a pretty
pass our romance is growing flat ♪

♪ Because you like this and the
other while I go for this and that. ♪

♪ Goodness knows what the end will be.
Oh, I don't know where I'm at. ♪

♪ It's plain to see we two will never
make one, something must be done. ♪

♪ You say either and I say either,
you say neither and I say neither. ♪

♪ Either, either, neither, neither.
Let's call the whole thing off. ♪

♪ You like potato, and I like pot-ah-to,
you like tomato, and I like tom-ah-to. ♪

♪ Potato, pot-ah-to, tomato, tom-ah-to.
Oh, let's call the whole thing off. ♪

♪ But Oh, if we call the whole
thing off then we must part ♪

♪ And Oh, if we have to part then
that might break my heart, ♪

♪ So if you like pajamas and I like pyjamas,
I'll wear pajamas and give up pyjamas ♪

♪ For we know we need each other
so we better call the calling-off off ♪

♪ Oh, let's call the whole thing off. ♪

♪ You say laughter and I say laughter,
you say after and I say after ♪

♪ Laughter, laughter, after, after.
Let's call the whole thing off ♪

♪ You like Havana, and I like Ha-vah-Na,
you eat banana, and I eat Ba-nah-Na. ♪

♪ Havana, Ha-vah-Na, banana, Ba-nah-Na.
Let's call the whole thing off. ♪

♪ But Oh, if we call the whole
thing off then we must part ♪

♪ And Oh, if we ever part
then that might break my heart. ♪

♪ So if you like oysters and I like oysters,
I'll take oysters and give up oysters. ♪

♪ For we know we need each other
so we better call the calling-off off. ♪

♪ Let's call the whole thing off. ♪

Yes, it's my idea.

- Have you any more of them?
- No.

Paper, read all about the secret marriage.
Read all about the secret marriage.

Hear that?

You know, we're about the only two people
in the world who don't think we're married.

We don't think we're not.
We both know we're not.

Except me, I'm beginning to have my doubts.

Don't tell me I have to convince
you too that we're not married.

Well, we might just as well be.

We certainly can't afford
to deny it in the face of those pictures.

No, I'm afraid not.

The only difference between us
and other married people is...

we can't even get a divorce.

I really could get a divorce
from you before I married Jim.

That would put a stop to all
these embarrassing falsehoods.

It certainly would.

Peter, you got to marry me.

Why Linda, this is so sudden.

If we get married now, I could start
divorce proceedings in the morning.

Well, I, I don't know.

You got me into all this, the very
least you could do is marry me.

It wasn't my fault
any more than it was yours.

Alright, it's my fault.
But you just got to marry me.

Well now, I, I'd like to think it over.

But why? There's nothing to think over.


But where can we get a license?
Everybody in New York knows us now.

- Why don't you try New Jersey?
- Thanks.

Name of the bride is?

My, my real name is Linda Thompson.

- And the name of the groom?
- Peter P. Peters.

I beg your pardon, what
are grounds for divorce in this state?


Good afternoon.

Oh Lady Tarrington, your suite is ready.

- Would you announce me to Mr. Petrov?
- Is Mr. Petrov expecting you?

- Oh yes, indeed.
- Room 2601, I'll have you announced.

Petrov, where are you?
Why didn't you telephone?

Oh, it's not Petrov, it's the desk.
What you want?

Lady Tarrington, well,
yes, have her come right up.

Did you say Lady Tarrington?
Oh, my word, she can't come up here.

Oh no, tell her to go back to Paris.

She's already on
her way up? Oh, it's calamitous.

Oh dear, let me talk to the floor manager.

Cecil Flintridge speaking.

Oh, it's you Mr. Baird. How are you?

That doesn't matter. Now, you
stop asking questions and listen.

There's a woman on her way up...

here who started the whole silly
rumor about Petrov's marriage.

- Yes, I said rumor.
- Did you say rumor?

Yes, I said rumor, they are not married.

Oh, Denise. Oh, it's you.

- So they are not married.
- Yes. Well, that is not exactly, no.

Well, my little journey is going
to be more exciting than I thought.

- Oh dear, you, you're not going to...
- Oh yes, indeed I am.

That's Petrov now.

I don't wish to shilly shally...

I want to know once and for all is
Petrov married or is Petrov not married?

Yes, he is not.

Thompson, change that lock.

Gardenias, 10 cents. Gardenias, 10 cents.

Right here please.

A corsage for the bride.

- It's all right.
- Thank you sir.

Well, tomorrow we'll be all straightened
out. You'll be on your way, and I'll...

- be on my.
- Where?

I'm going to get back to being a bachelor again
sort of catch up with my usual gay life...

forget all this.

- I hope you enjoy your gaiety.
- Thanks, I hope you'll enjoy your divorce.


I didn't know getting
married was so depressing.

- I'm sorry now I asked you.
- Oh, that's all right, I'll get over it.

Oh, of course.

♪ Our romance won't end on a sorrowful
note, though by tomorrow you're gone ♪

♪ The song is ended but as the
songwriter wrote the melody lingers on ♪

♪ They may take you from
me I'll miss your fond caress ♪

♪ But though they take
you from me, I'll still possess... ♪

♪ The way you wear your hat,
the way you sip your tea ♪

♪ The memory of all that.
Oh no, they can't take that away from me ♪

♪ The way your smile just beams ♪

♪ The way you sing off key ♪

♪ The way you haunt my dreams ♪

♪ No, no, they can't take that away from me ♪

♪ We may never, never meet
again on the bumpy road to love ♪

♪ But I'll always,
always keep the memory of... ♪

♪ The way you hold your knife ♪

♪ The way we danced till 3 ♪

♪ The way you changed my life ♪

♪ No, no, they can't take that away from me ♪

♪ No, they can't take that away from me. ♪

Well, I guess the honeymoon is over.

Oh, wouldn't you like to come in for a drink?

No, I, I don't think so.

Good night.

Well, maybe you prefer
a cigarette or something.

Oh no. No, thanks just the same.

Well, I just want to
thank you for everything.

You welcome.

Well, Good night.

Oh sorry, it's way past my bedtime.

Goodnight Linda.


Oh, Jeff?

Come in.

- Oh, it's you Cecil.
- Yes Miss, may, may I come in?

Well, isn't way past your bedtime?

Oh yes, but I haven't
been able to sleep a wink.

- I've been waiting up to see you.
- To see me?

Yes I, I must acquaint you
with the varying state of my mind.

It feels like a veritable
pendulum, to and fro.

Then a moment later it swings fro and to.

Tell me miss Keene. Are you Mrs. Petrov?

Or, or should I say,
Mrs. Petrov, are you miss Keene?

I'll tell you Cecil. We, we are married.

Mrs. Petrov.

- My best congratulations.
- Thank you.

Oh, now I can go to bed
with a clear conscience.

So can I.

Oh Mrs. Petrov, I hope you will forgive me...

but in the storm and
stress of other circumstances...

I rather willfully changed the lock.

But may I present you with this?

Shall we call it the
new key to your happiness?

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

Good night.

- Come in.
- Peter.

Why Denise. Look, you can't come in here.

- Why? Afraid your wife will object?
- Yes, yes, exactly.

Oh, Peter please, think of a new one.

Oh, but, but I'm married, really.

Save your breath Peter.
Jeffrey told me the truth.

- But even Jeffrey doesn't know.
- Are you sure your wife knows this?

- Oh, please go away, will you?
- I don't believe you,

And I won't budge under any circumstances.

Oh Peter, you're so worked up and I love it.

- Linda, wait a minute.
- Yes, don't go.

This is Lady Tarrington.

- This is my wife, Mrs. Petrov, miss Keene.
- Oh, I've heard about you.

I hadn't heard about you.

Why have you been so
secretive about this one Peter?

Oh, well..

Well, I didn't, didn't
think you'd be interested.

Oh, how silly of you.

I imagine Lady Tarrington is quite
charming when you get to know her.

Oh, yes, she is. Oh, I mean...

Then you really are married to Peter?

Oh yes, really. Do you mind?

No. But I do think it will be awfully
pleasant if you would divorce him.

No, I'm sure I'll never divorce him.

You know, you are a lot
more intelligent than you look.

Why, thank you. I wish
I could say the same of you.

Good night.


I'm sorry Peter.

No, no, don't apologize, you
really done me a great favor.

I certainly didn't mean to.

- Well, bon voyage.
- Are you going away?

No, but I thought maybe you were.

- I'll send for you Tai.
- Yes, miss Linda.

- Good luck Peter.
- Thanks Denise.

Linda? Linda, darling? She's gone.

May I come in just long enough to tell you how
how happy I am that you're not divorcing me?



Well, at least tell me where you're going.

Alright Linda, if that's the way you feel
about it. Good luck and bless you.

- Now what?
- Linda. She's walked out.

- This time, for good.
- For whose good? Not yours or your creditors.

- Creditors?
- Yeah, creditors.

You know, the people who come up
because the customers didn't?

This is Arthur Miller,
send up a case of champagne.

- Arthur, have you heard from Linda?
- Yes, she just phoned. -

- Where is she?
- She wouldn't tell me.

But she gave a message for you,
something about a Lady Tarrington.

And that she was going
through with the divorce as planned.

Oh, why didn't you do something to stop her?

I'm all worn out stopping her
marrying Montgomery.

What you ever do to
stop her marrying Montgomery?

Don't you read the papers? I proved she
was married to you so she couldn't marry him.

- You proved?
- Yes.

You took those pictures? How?

As long as Linda wasn't marrying Montgomery
thought I could get her in my revue,

But no, you had to horn in.

- So now I lost her.
- You mean I lost her.

Petrov? Oh, you're here.

Let me tell you, how do you do miss Keene?

You may be interested
to learn that we have no show.

- Shake hands with Arthur, he hasn't either.
- Oh really? I'm glad. I...

The Metropolitan has canceled our engagement
because of the scandalous notoriety...

occasioned by your
association with that woman.

Oh, my word, she's fainted.

It's just a dummy.

I know she's a dummy, I said so
all along, a tap dancing dummy.

You mean a dumb dummy, of course.

That picture, in the paper...

Oh. Well, you know where we are, don't you?

We're right here in
New York City on a wild goose chase...

with a whole company
of ballet artists and no show and...

and all because of you and your
practical dummy jokes.

Say, maybe Arthur and I could help you out.

Maybe we could use your boy in our show.

My what?

What do you say buddy? Suppose the
boss and I could find a spot for you?

You vandal, you vandal, Petrov, the great
Petrov in one of your cheap medicine shows?

What's the matter Pete? You look worried.

Oh, I'm still trying
to get an idea for the ballet.

- It's just something missing.
- Yeah, Linda Keene.

There's a man outside,
wants to see Mr. Petrov.

He looks like a process
server, shall I let him in?

Nobody is to go near
Petrov, those are my orders.

Yeah, but the man insisted if he don't see...


- I'm going to dance with Linda Keene.
- Is she back?

No, but that wax figure gave me an idea.
We'll have masks made to look like her.

If I can't dance with
one Linda, I'll dance with dozens.

I think you got something.

- The man says if he don't see Mr. Petrov...
- You go out and tell the man you're Petrov.

- Oh, like a game, you mean?
- Yes, like a game.

- Oh, what's troubling you my good fellow?
- Are you Peter P. Peters, known as Petrov?

What an amusing alliteration. I am.

- Here's a present for you.
- Thank you very much.

Oh, now I begin to see the idea of the game.

Well, you see, I am not
Peter P. Peters neither am I Petrov.

- Oh, wise guy, eh?
- Leave these premises at once.

I'm waiting to speak with Mr. Arthur Miller.

Oh well, I'll speak with
Mr. Jeffrey Baird, this is Cecil Flintridge.

Oh yes, I'll wait.

- Hello?
- Oh, hello Jeffrey. Yes, are you there?

Of course, I'm here.

- Now, don't shout at me, I'm in jail.
- Well, that's all right, we don't need you.

I'm in jail for battery,
and I want you to get me out.

I'm at the Susquehanna Street jail.



S - u - s - q - u...

q, q...

You know, the thing you play billiards with.


- B - I - L - L...
- What is this, a spelling bee?

No, L for larynx.

L - A - R - Y - N...

No, not M, N. N as in neighbor.

Neighbor, N - E - I - G - H - B...



You know, the stinging insect.

Insect, I - N - S...


S for symbol.

S - Y...


Oh, Y.

Well, why? Don't ask me why.

Look, Jeffrey, I'm in jail.
Wait, wait a minute.

- What jail did you say this was?
- Susquehanna Street jail.

Thank you indeed. Thank you very much.

I'm in the subsq, the subse...

Jeffrey? Listen closely.

Do you know where the Oak Street jail is?

You do? Fine.

I'll have them transfer
me there in the morning.

I insist that you give up this idea
of making a spectacle of yourself.

Yes miss Keene, was entirely
unnecessary for you to return.

- Our man will serve Petrov.
- Your men will had their chance.

Besides, I'll derive a great deal of
pleasure in serving this summons personally.

- Linda, was swell of you to come.
- Hello Arthur.

I want you to meet my attorney, Mr. Russell.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

He said if he couldn't dance with
you, he'd dance with images of you

Arthur, take me backstage.

Why, Mrs. Petrov or should I say miss Keene?

Oh hello. You're back, eh?
Well, what you want?

What's the matter Cecil?


♪ Drop that long face,
come on, have your fling ♪

♪ Why keep nursing the blues? ♪

♪ If you want this old world on a string... ♪

♪ Put on your dancing
shoes, stop wasting time ♪

♪ Put on your dancing
shoes, watch your spirits climb. ♪

♪ Shall we dance or keep on moping?
Shall we dance and walk on air? ♪

♪ Shall we give in to despair?
Or shall we dance with never a care? ♪

♪ Life is short, we're growing older,
don't you be an also-ran ♪

♪ You better dance little lady, dance
little man, dance whenever you can. ♪

Otschi tschornyije.

♪ They all said we never get together
they laughed at us and how ♪

♪ But ho ho ho,
who's got the last laugh now? ♪