Sex Appeal (1986) - full transcript

This is the story of young Tony Cannelloni as he attempts to break away from his overbearing mom and strike out on his own. He sets himself up with a new apartment, look, and lifestyle to improve his "sex appeal". Through a series of encounters with a variety of women he gets ever closer to achieving his goal. However, a never-ending series of calamities always seem to interrupt his progress.

[ music playing ]

[ crickets chirping ]

Don't do that, Tony.

Tony, you know I don't
like French kissing.

That's dirty.

Sorry, Audrey.

No hickeys, Tony.

Jeez. Come on.

Tony, no. Tony.

Come on, Audrey.
I just want
to touch 'em.


Okay, just for
a little while,

but I'm not going
all the way.

All right.

Tony, no.

Please, just let me
touch 'em.

Okay, just a little.

[ giggles ]

- Tony.
- Audrey.

- That tickles.
- Audrey.

Stop. Tony.

You're going
to make me pee.

- Pee?
- Woman: Tony, hurry.

Oh, Jesus.
Hurry. Get dressed.

Let's go.


hi, everybody.

Ma, Dad,
this is Audrey.

Audrey, this is
my ma and dad.

Hi, Audrey.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you,
Mr. Cannelloni.

How come you're sitting
in the dark today?


we were-- we were
watching the moon.

Yeah. Yeah.

In here?
There's no moon
out tonight.

Is there a moon out,

Louise, will you
take it easy?

There's a moon
out there.

You get any?

Audrey, is there
anything I can get you,
a drink or something?

No, Dad.
We were just
about to leave.

What's this?

That's mine, Mom.

Sorry. I been
looking all over
the house for it.

Christina, how many times
have I told you

to please pick up
after yourself?

Anybody want coffee
in here? Joe?

Yes, dear.

No, thanks, Mom.

Come on, Audrey.
I'll drive
you home.

I'm going to walk.

What do you mean,
walk home?

You can't leave me
like this.

It's not my problem.

When can
I see you again?

Tony Cannelloni,
if I never see you again,

it'll be too soon.

Oh, Audrey,

aren't you
forgetting something?

[ laughs ]

Ah, what's the matter,
big brother?

You know, I heard
cold showers do wonders.

[ laughs ]

[ music playing ]

[ bird chirping ]

[ sighs ]

Nice day, isn't it?

Was until you opened
you big mouth.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Tony! Tony!

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Good morning, Daphne.

Cannelloni, you are
five minutes late.


[ buzzer sounds ]

[ laughs ]

[ Daphne laughs ]

[ shrieks ]

[ clears throat ]

Nice day, isn't it?

Yeah, right.

[ playing trumpet ]

Hey, that's
a no-no.
Come on.

- Let's go. Come on.
- [ yelps ]


Nice day, isn't it?

Sure. Come on, honey.

Are you sure
you wouldn't be
more comfortable

in a hotel room
or something?

Oh, honey,
why waste your money?

Besides, when I
get through with you,

you'll think
you're in heaven.

But first,
money, please.

Oh, yeah.

Here you go.

[ gasps ]
Oh, butterfingers me.

Could you?

Yeah, sure.

[ laughs ]

[ boing ]

See, honey?
Just like heaven.

- [ knock on door ]
- Louise: Tony.

Are you going to be
in there all day?

I'll be out
in a minute, Ma.


Yeah, Ma.

We're ready
to sit down to dinner.

Okay, okay.

I got a surprise
for you, Tony.

I invited Deborah
to dinner.

[ sighs ]

Tony has this obsession
with hygiene.

He's always
in the bathroom.

Well, cleanliness is
next to godliness,

I always say,
Mrs. Cannelloni.

- Hi, Deborah.
- Hi, Tony.

Well, Tony,
did you have
a nice day?

Don't ask.

Tony, I got the tickets.

What tickets?

I told Deborah
you love birds.

So I got tickets
to the Audubon Society
lecture tonight.

It's all
about the mating

of the African
speckle hawk. [ laughs ]

I think you're
confused, Mom.

Tony didn't
say "birds."
He said "chicks."

Chicks, ducks,
penguins, same thing.


no, Tony promised
to help me

with my-- study
for my business exam.

Yeah, yeah. I did?

Well, Tony can help you
tomorrow night.

Deborah went
to a lot of--

But, Louise, I need
the car tonight.

Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Cannelloni.

We can use mine.


Thank you,
Lord, for this
bountiful feast,

the antipasto salad,

for the chicken

with Louise's
famous sauce,


the side linguini
with the--

in a green
pesto sauce,

and for dessert--

what's for dessert,

You're on a diet,

Scratch the dessert.


Excuse me, but...

What's the matter,

...well, I forgot...

What got into her?

Maybe you
should have
made dessert.


What did you
say to her?

That you had V.D.

Which one?

[ alarm buzzing ]

[ alarm stops ]

[ sighs ]

[ car horn honks ]

[ music playing ]

[ animal growling ]

[ car horn honks ]

[ car horn honks ]

Is this yours?


"Sex Appeal."

How to get it...

and what to do with it.

Do women reject you daily?

When was the last time
you had a date?

Are you still stuck
on first base

while the rest of the team
is hitting home runs?

Are you tired
of the Michael Jackson song

"Beat It"?

If you've answered yes
to any of these questions,

you may be lacking
sex appeal.

For 19.95, learn how
to attract the opposite sex.

Learn how you too
can achieve sex appeal.

[ announcer chortles ]

[ announcer chokes ]

[ announcer gasps ]

At your favorite bookstore.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How much is that?
- That's 4.55.

- Okay.
- Psst!

Psst. Over here.

- Good-bye.
- Bye now.

Hey, Bernie!
How much is "Sex Appeal"?

Oh, about 36-28-36.

Come on.

[ drumroll playing ]

[ drumroll stops ]

Hi, future seducer
and all-round sexy guy.

Hundreds of men
like yourself

in their spare time

discovered the secrets
of sex appeal.

If you follow
the simple steps

outlined in this book,

you can turn
your dull, drab life

into a jungle of steaming,
dripping erotic pleasures.

[ chortles ]

Is that the kind of world
you want?


Okay, okay.

First step, be cool.

Now the second step.

You need a primary
base of operation,

an oasis to lure
those voluptuous,

lusting, man-hungry
creatures of the night.


An apartment,

a bachelor pad,

a place where a man
can be a real man

and a woman can be
that real man's mate.

Name's Donald Cromronic,

and I'm the super
of this brownstone

and writer

This is
my apartment, 2A.

So tell me,
where you from?

- Jersey.
- Jersey.

Yeah, I'm an accountant.

So tell me, you ever
written anything
I'd have read?

Yeah, probably.
I write for all
the magazines.

Oh, yeah? You mean
like "People"

and the "Enquirer"
and "Playboy"?

Hey, let's get
something straight.
I'm not a hack writer.

My articles
have appeared
in "Scientific America,"

"Reader's Digest."
We're talking "Popular
Mechanics" here.

Yeah? Is there any money
in those kinds
of articles?

Eh, not really.

That's why I'm also
working on my novel,

you know, the Great
American Novel.


Okay, here's
the vacant one.


Isn't it a honey?

The apartment goes
for 800 a month.

So what I'm going
to need from you

is one month in advance
and two months' security.

Think you can
handle that? Great.

Okay, now, there is
absolutely no animals,

no pets, no wild parties,

no reconstruction
without my permission,

no subletting,
and most important,

you could
not use this apartment
as a place of business.

I think that
about covers it.

You have any questions
so far?

Yeah. The beer cans
come with it?

Hey, that's funny.

I'm glad to see you
have a sense of humor.

I like that. It's going
to come in handy

when the heating
and plumbing go out.

Just kidding.

Well, I looked
at six other places,

and so far--

would you
excuse me
for a minute?

Oh, sure, sure.
Go ahead.

The right apartment

must have
separate living room,

bedroom, kitchen, and bath.

It must have a magnificent
view of the city.

And above all,

it must have privacy.

But if all you can afford
is one room

with a view
of a brick wall

and a nosy super next door,
take it.

Hey, you've got
to start somewhere.

I'll take it.

The next step--
you must cut

the umbilical cord
with your parents.


Who's going
to take care of you?!

You're not married, Tony.

You don't have a wife.

Who's going to make
your favorite brownies?

Who's going to wash
your sneakers?

Who's going
to make your bed?

Louise, come on,
now. Calm down.

Is this
the thanks I get

for devoting
my life to you?

You're going
to get some kind
of horrible disease.

Look, Mom,
don't you think you're
overreacting a little?

I mean, it's not like
Tony's a child.


Ma, I got to leave

Tony's right.
I think it's time

he stands
on his own two feet.

My baby doesn't
love me anymore.

Ma-- Christina.

I'll go
calm her down.

Look, if Ralph
gets here,

tell him
to wait, okay?

You still seeing
that schmuck?

Oh, Dad.

You know, Tony,

I think
you're doing
the right thing,

but you sure
you're telling

the old Dad
everything? Huh?

Hey, I mean,
young guy like you

an apartment.

What have you got,

a couple of honeys
on the line?

Not exactly, Dad,

but I hope so soon.

Ah, yeah,
that's my boy.

Tony, you know,
when I was
your age,

well, let's
just say that

not too many girls
got past

your old dad's
touch. You know
what I mean?

- [ doorbell rings ]
- It's Ralph! I'll get it!

Eh, schmuck.

Tony, what
I'm trying
to tell you...

...I want you
to feel free
to come to me

with any of your
problems or--


Yeah, if there's
anything you
can't handle.

You know
what I mean? Okay?


- Yeah.
- [ laughs ]

Sure, Dad.

Now that you've
won your freedom,

the next step is
to appraise your surroundings.

Put your imagination
to work.

Remember, you're trying
to create an atmosphere

that will make you
look alive with sexuality

and make your prey
weak in the knees.

[ rock 'n' roll playing ]

Great care should
go into the selection
of your furnishings.

The feel should be erotic
and sensual.

Warning, do not attempt
any skirmishes

until you and your place

are ready
for combat action.

Right. Right.

Come on,
you son of a bitch!

I beg your pardon.

Do you mind?

You're her.

You're the Midnight
Champagne woman.

I mean, you're the girl
on the poster.

Yeah. Look,
would it be too much

to ask you
to let me by here?

I mean, no, no. Sure.

Go ahead.

May I make
a suggestion here?

Yeah, yeah.

Tilt the corner
on the floor inward...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...and put the top up.


Then corner it
around the door frame.


[ groans ]


How'd you know
how to do that?

Just a little
common sense

and the desire to get
to my apartment.

- I'm Tony. I'm new here.
- Yeah.

Do you live
in the building?

- I'm afraid so.
- Yeah?

Maybe we could
get together

Yeah, maybe.

[ sighs ]

She's beautiful.

Tony! Tony!

Please, Tony,
I need you.

I love you. I can't
live without you, Tony.

Mm, mm, mm. Oh, Tony,
won't you tell me

that we can maybe
go have some time?

Oh, Tony--

Yeah, maybe.


He said maybe.

[ squeals ]
He said maybe!

Donald, would you like

a little advice
from your agent?

Not really.

Tell me
how your principles

are going to pay
the $2,000 you owe
in back taxes.

The IRS could
care less about your
moralistic standards.

They want
their money, baby,

just like
everybody else.

Fran, I am this close
to finishing my novel.

The Great American Novel?

Donald, who in the hell
wants to read

about the founding
and development of
the American sewer system?

You still don't think
that's a good idea?


Fran, I'm stymied.

I don't know
what the hell
to do now.

You need to make
some big bucks fast.


And how am I
supposed to do that?


Articles about who,
what, where,

when, and how about sex.

That's what sells!

Write me
those kinds of articles.

Screw your principles.

Okay, okay, okay.

Where do I start?

If I knew that,

I'd write them myself.

Dumb shit.

The outward appearance
of your apartment

should have
that respectable look

with only you knowing
what lies beneath it all.

Before your first attempt
at seduction,

may I suggest
you try a test run?

See that everything
works properly.

practice makes perfect

in more ways than one.

[ chortles ]

[ Tony chuckles ]

On your mark.

Get set.



[ rock 'n' roll playing ]


- [ music stops ]
- All set.

Now what?

Now take a look
at yourself.

Do you look
like Burt Reynolds?


- How about Robert Redford?
- No.

Good. If you did,
you wouldn't need this book.

Okay, now look
at your hair.

It needs an expert's touch,

cut and styled to accent
those strong features.

[ laughs ]
And those clothes.

What's the matter
with my clothes?

They've got to go.

You want to wear clothes
that are fashionable,

that will attract women,
not repel them.

Ehh, and that body.

When was the last time
you ran a step,

pressed some weights?

Most women like a man with
a toned, muscular body.

I'll do it.


Cut those nose hairs.

- [ movie playing ]
- [ Christina moaning ]

- Ralph.
- Huh?

Oh, God.
The steering wheel stick's

crushing my back.
[ moans ]

Oh, those muscles
of yours are
so big and hard.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

Look, why don't
we try this?

Okay. Ralph.

Oh, God.
The gearshift,

it's sticking me
in the side.

Christina, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I know
you are, Ralph.

Why don't we just
try the backseat?

Hey, guys.

Hey, how's it hanging,
Ralphie? Hi, Christina.

Want some popcorn,

Have a beer, Ralph.
Christina, you want one?

No, thanks.

Hope you don't
mind us watching
the movie with you.

- Nah.
- We snuck in

and don't have
anyplace to sit.

No kidding.
How'd you do that?

Well, we waited
until the guard
was just about--

[ music playing ]

Hi, Peter.


maybe not these either.

You got something
with a little color?


So what
do you think?

Not exactly
what I had in mind.


All right, you animal.

- Now that your trap...
- [ growls ] ready and baited,

it's time
to stalk your prey.

- Your first conquest...
- Yeah.

...should be a simple one,
a woman you already know,

but have always
been afraid to ask.

Pick up the phone
and call her.

Invite her to your place
for drinks.

If she says yes,
it can only mean one thing.

- What?
- Sex, dummy.

Oh. Yeah.


[ high-pitched ]

[ clears throat ]


This is Tony.


Yeah, Tony Cannelloni,

from the office.


Oh, Tony, yeah.

What could I do
for you, Tony?

Well, I was thinking...

Do it. Do it.

- What did you say?
- Tony: Nothing.

Well, well,
we've worked together
for over a year now,

and, well,
we don't really know
each other very well,

and I just
thought that...

Yes, Tony?

Well, I know
you're probably busy

and we'd never have
time to get together
for a couple drinks,

but I just thought
I'd ask anyway.

I'm never too busy
for you, Tony.

I'd love to.

Tony, are you there?


I mean, you said yes.

You really said yes.



Well, I'll see you,

Aren't you
forgetting something,

like where do you live?

- [ typing ]
- [ phones ringing ]

Miss Crenshaw, would you
come in here, please?

Miss Crenshaw,

I have something
for you.

Well, I don't
want it, Joe.

Do you remember
what you promised me?

Well, let me
refresh your memory,
Mr. Cannelloni.

"I promise you will
never have to do it

in the office again,
Miss Crenshaw."

You promised
to treat me
like a lady.

Like, why can't you
take me to a fancy
hotel or something?

It's not bad enough
you make me
work weekends,

but you can't even
keep a little promise.

Miss Crenshaw, you know
I don't like hotels.

I mean, try to find
someone with an apartment.

Give me a little time.

I promise, the next time
we get together,

we'll have
a nice little place.

So, well, don't leave me
in this condition.

Please, Miss Crenshaw?

I'll give you a raise.

Okay, Joe,

but this is
the last time,

and I mean it.

How much is
the raise?

Review your
last-minute checklist.

Music on.


- [ music playing ]
- Ice bucket full?

- Check.
- Clean underwear?

Yeah. Check.

[ knock on door ]

♪ That sense
of magic's... ♪

Who's there?

you in there?

♪ You prey
on any type of... ♪

Just a minute,
I'll be right there.

What's going on
in there?

- [ music stops ]
- Open up, will you?

What are you
doing here?

What kind
of welcome is that?

[ laughs ]
What's going on
here, anyway,

an orgy?

This is not bad.

Oh, Tony, you know
what you can use
right there,

you know,
is one of those
sexy statues

and stuff, you know?
That'd be great.

Oh, over here, Tony,
you could have

some of those
fancy mirrors
and stuff.

Don't you
got no TV?

what do you want?

Look, I just came by

to see what
my big brother
was up to.

Look, Tony,
the least you
could have done

was invited me over
to see it.

Yeah, well,
now that you seen it,

it's time to go.

But I just got here.

- Christina!
- What is the hurry?

I'm tired, Christina.
I had a long week

at the office.
I had loads of--

What are you up to,
big brother?

I got it. You got a date.

Lay off, Christina.

Okay, all right.
I promise.

No more questions,
but look.

Don't forget to call Mom
tonight, okay?

She's going sick
with worry about you.

Yeah, yeah.
I will, now. Bye-bye.

Ooh. I hope you score
tonight, big brother!

I got to get
this place ready.


[ whistles ]

Ah, yeah.

[ music playing ]

Oh, the bar.

[ knock on door ]

I'll be right there.

♪ That sense of...



Well, aren't you
going to ask me in?

Yeah, sure.
Come on in.

♪ Could you fall for me
once again? ♪

Two at a time?

That wimp?


Care for a drink?


I'll take a vodka martini,

very dry, on the rocks,
with two olives.


♪ Closer than
you've ever been ♪

♪ My head's in the clouds

♪ I can't pretend

♪ That fear of flying's
here again ♪

- ♪ Don't you know...

- oh!
- Oh!

I'm sorry.
Oh, jeez.

- No, no damage done.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I think I'll
just take this off

and let it
dry a bit, though.

♪ Just keep
that set of lips ♪

♪ Right in front
of my eyes ♪

♪ And we'll send
that fear of flying ♪

♪ To the sky

- Care to dance?
- Sure.

♪ That sense of magic's
here again ♪

[ gasps ]

♪ You prey
on any type of friend... ♪

Hey, watch it!

Would you excuse me
for a minute?


♪ I'd say that chance
is one to 10 ♪

♪ Your kisses
throw me now and then ♪

♪ You're closer

- Stephanie.
- ♪ Than you've ever been... ♪


Tony, over here.

You want another drink?

No. Why don't you
come over here, Tony?

Take your clothes off
and join me.

Yeah. Sure.

[ coughs ]

[ blows ]

- [ stereo shuts off ]
- [ chuckles ]


Are you sure you don't
want another drink?

No, Tony.

Why don't you
just shut up
and kiss me?

[ Stephanie laughing ]



Oh, my God!

[ pounding ]

Who are you?

I'm her husband,
you nerd.


Let me explain!

It's not what you think!

Keep out of this,

My score's
with her.

So you want
to mess around, huh?

You ain't getting
enough at home?

I'll show you, baby.

Show me what?

I'll show you
what I got.

Call me "man."

If you're
such a man,

what the hell
am I doing here?

I'll show you, baby.

I'll show you how
a real man does it.

Anyone care
for a drink?

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

[ both moaning ]

Ah, you call that
a kiss?

Come here, baby.
You want a kiss?

[ moaning ]

Ooh. Now I'd
call that a kiss.

- Come here.
- Kiss me again.

Show me what else

you got,
you man, you.

How's that
on a scale of one to 10?

A definite 12.

- [ mouths word ]
- [ both moaning ]



Of course.


A kid from...

...New Jersey

rents an apartment.

You macho man, you.

He turns it into a...

...swinger's pad.


the New Jersey Casanova.


Don't be disappointed

if at first
you don't succeed.

Watch. Take notes.

Don't worry.

You'll be the one
on that bed next time.

Yeah, next time when?

Have patience.

Do it again,
my man.

Not again.

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

[ moaning ]

And when the husband
breaks in,

it's hysterical.

[ sighs ]
To tell you
the truth, Donald,

I didn't think
you had it in you.

Now, just where did
you get the idea

for this New Jersey
Casanova story?

Oh, well,
I just came up--

this is for $4,000.


It's only
the beginning, Donald.

Are you serious?

Now hear this.

"Playhouse" magazine
wants you to do

a 10-part series

"The X-rated

of the 'New Jersey

Well, of course
I told them

my client
was too busy
finishing up a novel

and couldn't
possibly take on
such an assignment.

They offered
to double the amount
per segment.

- Tell me.
- I said no.

You said what?

We got triple.


We have triple
on a 10-part series?

Do you know
how much mon--

triple. Waiter!

Your finest champagne.

I took the liberty
of ordering earlier.

To the next 10.

To the next 10.

What's the matter,

Nothing. Nothing.

To the next 10.


Under no circumstances

give your apartment key
to your mother.

Christina, eat.

Ralph'll honk
when he honks.

Tony, you're
looking so thin.

He looks the same
to me, Ma.

Haven't you
been eating?

Here. Have some more
of my homemade spaghetti.

All right.

Now, Tony...

who's the one
that's most concerned
about you?

You, Ma.

And who's the one
that's most concerned

about your safety
and well-being?

[ sighs ]
You, Ma.

That's right.

And that's why I think

I should have an extra key
to your apartment.

don't badger
the boy!

I'm not
badgering him.

I'm only concerned
about his health.

What if he
should get sick

or have
a heart attack,

or, worse yet,
what if some degenerate

should break in
and attack him?

How's anybody
going to know?

How's anybody
going to get in?

Ask the super
for the key.

Shut up, Christina!

I'm worried sick.

But, Ma, the only reason
I got the place

- was so I--
- Tony.


All right, Ma.

You can have the key.

I'm going to hang it
right here,

where it's going to be
nice and safe.

I thought you said
you had a place.

I did. This is it.

This is not
what I envisioned

when you said
I should see stars.

Oh! [ winces ]


[ groans ]

Put the blanket
over there.

How's this?


Let's get naked,

Oh, Ralph,

those muscles
are so sexy.

Oh, Ralph, Ralph,

can I touch
your muscle?

Ralph, can I
touch your muscle?

Ooh. [ gasps ]

- [ slaps ]
- Christina: What's that?

Nothing, just slapped
a couple mosquitoes dead.

- [ slapping ]
- Christina: Ooh.

A couple?

[ slapping continues ]

You meant
a couple thousand,
didn't you?

[ gasping ]

Ralph, let's get
out of here!
Come on!

Ralph, hurry!

I can't find my keys.

Oh, Ralph!

Oh, hunky jock
or no hunky jock,

you better find us
a place.

Now find those keys.




Getting women
to take notice of you

is always easier
if you meet them
on their own turf.

On your days off,

stalk the supermarket aisles,

slink through
the women's clothes sections

of department stores,

and seek them out
at their watering holes,

the Laundromat.

You'll be surprised
at the number

of available women
out there

who'd jump
at an opportunity

to follow you
back to your lair

for an afternoon
of uncontrolled passion.


Do I know you?

I'm your neighbor.
Remember the sofa?

Name's Tony,

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Excuse me.

You know, it seems
like you're always
in my way.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Hey, what's your name?



Tony! Tony!

I'm sorry.
I don't remember.

What did you say
your name was?


Ah, yes, Corinne.

[ shrieks ]

Excuse me.
Is this washer
being used?

Yes, it is.
I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

- Hi. I'm Bunny.
- Hi.

You're new
around here,
aren't you?

Don't tell me.
You are.
I can tell.

You just have
that brand-new
look about you.

This is
my favorite

number 14.

It's also
my lucky number.

I'm so glad
you didn't use it,

because then
I'd have to use
another machine,

like number five.

I used it
last August

when this
little old lady
named Bertha

came in
and used number 14,

and, well,
it broke down

right in the middle
of the soak cycle.

I started to cry,
and I looked

all over
for another machine,

but there
wasn't one empty,

so I had to wait
32 minutes

for another machine
to be empty,

and then I carried
all my laundry,

and they were
soaking, dripping

with water
and soapsuds,

and I had to carry
them all the way

over there
to number 23.

What did you say
your name was?

- Tony. Tony Can--
- I knew a Tony once.

Or was it Bony?

He was so weird.

I fixed him tacos
for dinner
one night,

and he wanted
to stick 'em
between my...

Women love to talk.

Be a patient listener.

That big mouth of hers
has several other uses,

one of which should
become apparent quite soon.


[ jazz playing ]

[ phone rings ]



Who is this?

Is there something
I can do for you?

I just wanted
to hear your voice.

It's been so long.

[ chuckles ]

What kind of music
do you enjoy, Tony?

Who is this?

How do you
know my name?



No, not me.

my favorite composer.

His melodies
blend so well

a candlelight dinner.

Do you enjoy French?

Yeah, French, Greek,
you name it.

French cuisine, silly.

Are you from
a radio show
or something?

No. You're so cute, Tony.


- [ click ]
- Hello?


Give me a minute.

Hi. I'm Bunny.

This is a very nice
hallway you--

I thought I'd never
find this place.

You know,
I get lost so easy.

Come in, Bunny.

I am in.

You're funny, Tony.

You know, one time
I went to visit

my aunt
on my mother's side,

and I got lost
for nine hours
and 10 minutes.

First, I took
the wrong turn.

Then of course
I was following
the wrong road signs.

It took me five hours
to realize

that I was reading
the darn road map

Two weeks.
He's been there
two weeks.

Can you imagine
the dust balls?

[ chuckles ]
They're as big
as grapefruits.

And the toilet bowl.
[ scoffs ]

I don't even want
to think about
the toilet bowl.

Boy, that place.

wish me good luck.

I'm off
to do battle.

Good luck, Ma.

Come on, Tony.
If you're there,
pick it up.


[ woman vocalizing ]

My aunt had called
the police,

and by the time
I finally arrived,

there were probably
eight police cars
in the driveway.

I said, "Oh, my God,

someone must have
been murdered."

[ gasps ]
What a beautiful
place you have here,

just like
a hotel room
at the MGM Grand.

And look
at your little sofa.

My mother
has this sofa.

It doesn't
look anything
like yours, though.

She has it
covered in this
rose-colored plastic.

In the summer,
when you're all
hot and sticky

from the humidity
and you sit down,

you can
hardly get up

because your behind
sticks to it,

right through
to your underwear.

Can you imagine?

- Care for a drink?
- Oh, I'd love a drink.

Oh, I don't care.
Anything will do.

Vodka, whiskey, scotch,

tequila, beer.

Budweiser's a good beer.

Though some say
Coors is the best.

I really don't know.

Beer makes me want to go
to the bathroom an awful lot.

I just can't stay seated.

And you know
what they say about gin.

A couple sips of gin

makes you want to sin.

Gin it is.

Goodness, we've been