Serial (1980) - full transcript

It's the end of the '70s. Hippies are assimilating, women are raising their consciousness, and men are becoming confused and ineffectual. Don't expect to be able to keep track of all the names or who's sleeping with whom; the picture very skillfully conveys the hopeless muddle through which the many characters move as they try to Find Themselves.

It's a Changing World

That Greets The Day

It's a Changing World

And It Spins away

And You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

It's a Changing World

And It's Moving Fast

The Love It Brings

Doesn't Seem To Last

But You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

Man On Radio: Looks Like
That Fog's Lifting.

We're Going To Have Ourselves
A Gorgeous Friday Here,

Even Better Weekend,

Maybe You Want To Start
The Weekend a Little Early...

Lay Back,
Stay In The Rack.

And I'll Keep The Music Coming.

Projected High Today Here In
Marin Will Be In The High 70s.

San Francisco, 68.

The Traffic Is
Flowing Pretty Smoothly

On The Golden Gate
Bridge Inbound,

With Four Lanes Open.

All The Ferries
Are Back In Service,

So Hop On The Boat
There and Save The air.

Ok. Maybe Now Is
The Time Of Year

You Want To Think
About a New Car Stereo.

The Place To Get It
Is Downtown Marin Stereo.

Good Morning, America.


I Think It's Time We
Really Communicated

On an adult Level About Where
This Marriage Is Headed.

Good-Bye, Hard-On.


Martha, Just Which
One are We Doing?

Just Put Your Right Foot Over
My Left Leg, My Left arm

Under Your Right arm...
Under Your arm.

Martha, Couldn't We Do
It Like Regular People?

Yoga Says We Can Postpone
Orgasm For Hours This Way.

But I Have To Catch
The 8:30 Ferry.


Good. Good. Very Good.

No, Joanie.
I Told You Before.

Oh, Come On. Why Can
?T I Have The Van?

You Know, I've Got
Rights, Too, You Know.

Well, Of Course
You Have Your Rights.

Doesn't She Have
Her Rights, Harvey?

And So Do I.

I Have The Right To Not Eat
Granola Every Morning.

Oh, Harvey, You're
So Incredibly Full Of anger.

When are You Going To Come
To Terms With That?

I'm Full Of Granola.

And I'm Trying To Come
To Terms With Granola.

I Thought We Were Going To Talk
About My Needs For Once.

Spencer and I Want To Split For
Stinson Beach This afternoon.

And He Doesn't Want To
Get Sand In His Porsche.

And I Thought
He Was Irresponsible.

Can We Have The
Volvo at Least?



Joanie, I Don't
Lend My Car

To anyone
With Funny Eyes.

Kate, Did You ever Take a Look
At Spencer's Eyes?

Wall-To-Wall Pupils.

Oh, I Can Really Groove
On Your Sense Of Humor, Harv.

You're So Sick.

It's The Granola.

A Lot Of Rage, Harv.

A Lot Of Rage.

[Dog Barking]

Elton? Elton John?


[Horn Honks]

Hey! Hiya, Harv.


Later, Dad

Hi, Joanie.

Stay Mellow,

Slow Down!

It's a Changing World

But It's Still Fun

It's a Crazy World

But The Only One

So You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

You Think You've Got It Made

You're Master
Of Your Fate

You're Doin' It Right

Then Overnight

Your Life
Is Out Of Date

And So You
Face The Facts

Your Future's
On The Line

You Either Get In
And Run The Race

Or You'll Be Left Behind

So You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

Hi, Harv.
Hi, Bill.

Bye, Baby.
I've Got To Go.

Come On, Maria, Please?

I Will Not
Do This Thing.

Stokeley, Darling, Hurry Up,
You'll Be Late.

Andale, Maria.

Maria, It's Important To My
Girlfriend Development.

Stop Begging To Me. I Will Not
Do This Thing.

Please? I Promise I'll Never ask
Again If You Do It Just Once.

You Promise?

I Swear!

Ok, Big Shot,
Now What are You Going To Do?

I Don't Know. I Never Got
This Far Before.

You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

Hi, Harv.

Hey. What Do You Say, Carol?

Would You Mind Putting
Them There, Please?


Hey, This Van Is Really Hot.

So Is The Driver.
Hey! Lady!

Lady! Wh... What are You
Doing, Lady?

Hey! Lady, Gimme a Break.

It's Only Eight In The Morning.

Don't Knock It.


Hi, Leonard.

Good Morning.



It's a Crazy World

That Meets The Day

It's a Crazy World

And It Spins away

And You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall


Damn It.

Ah, Damn It.

Hi, Harv.

Sam, Hold On.

Can I Keep This
In Your Trunk Today?

Sure, Harv.

My Chain Snapped.

Great. Now You Can Take Your Car
Like a Normal Person.

Yeah. If I Was Married
To a Normal Person, I Could.

But You Know Kate and The Way She
Feels about Polluting The atmosphere.

What Has The atmosphere
Ever Done For You?

Not Much Lately.

You Know, Angela's On That
Ecology Committee Too.

Big Deal. Last Month
They Saved The Condor.

D'you Ever See a Condor?
Not Up Close.

Scare The Shit Out Of You.

Harvey, Will You Be Good To
Yourself and Use Your Car?

Will You Take a Look at This?

6,000 Pounds
Of Solid Comfort.

It Takes Up Space,
It Pollutes The atmosphere,

It Scares The Birds.

Fuck ?Em. I Love It.

Did You See Carson Last Night?

No, I Missed It.

Johnny Had This Chick On
With Incredible Jugs,

And He Turned To The audience
And He Says...

"We'll Be Right Back after
A Few Tits From Our Sponsor."

Come On!
I Swear To God! I Swear To God!

I almost Fell Out Of Bed!

Angela: Tony!


Tony, What's Going On Here?

Nothing's Going On Here,
That's What's Going On Here.

No, Thank You.

Hey, I Respect
Your Space.

Tony, You Knew Weeks ago
That I Wanted This Ready

For The Wedding

Angela, I'm Really Not Into
This Kind Of Pressure Trip.

But You Told Me It Would Be
Finished Tomorrow.

We Sent Out The Invitations.

I'll Cop To That.
I'll Take Responsibility.

Sam Bought Five Cases Of Wine!

You're asking
Me To Pay Some

Serious Mental
And Physical Dues.

How Much are The Dues?

Well, It's Not as If I'm Making
A Profit On These Dues.

I'm Giving You These Dues
at Cost.

How Much Do These Dues Cost?

200 Bucks.

You Got It.


Sam, Do You and Angela
Spend a Lot Of Time

Having Meaningful

About Your Marriage?

You Didn't Get Laid
This Morning Either?

No, No, I'm Serious.

Angela and I Don't Have To Talk
About It anymore.

All We Do Is Look at Each Other.
We Know We're In Hell.

Well, What Is It? There's
Something Crazy Going On,

And I Don't Think It's Us.

Believe Me, Not Getting Laid
This Morning

Has a Lot To Do With It.

That Is Certainly
Part Of It, Yes,

But It's More Than That.

When I Start Getting Laid
Every Morning,

Then I'll Start Looking around
For The Other Part.

Harvey, I Figured It Out Once.

From The First Time You Whack
Off To That Final, Feeble Fuck,

A Man Has Got Maybe
Seven, Eight Thousand Bullets

In The Old Pistol.

I Got a Thousand,
Fifteen Hundred Left.

At The Rate Angela and I
Are Going,

When I Die, I'm Gonna Leave
Behind a Major Munitions Dump.

So We Both Said Hey,

We've Got
A Caring Relationship.

We're Each Willing To Give
The Other The Space To Grow

And Nourish
Our Basic aloneness.

Why Not Make
A Total Commitment

In a Legalistic

So Tomorrow's
The Big Day.

I Can Dig It.
Who's The Chick?

Martha Stearns.

No, I Don't Know Her.

She Used To Be
Martha Byers.

No, I'm Not Familiar.

Well, Before That,
She Was Martha Crimm.

And Before That,
Martha Peel?

You Know Her?

I'm Fred Peel.

Her First Husband.

No, Her Second.


Well, Hey, Stokeley,
What's Happening, Babe?


Darling, Will You Excuse
Leonard and I For a Minute?

We're Gonna Have a Private
Rapwhich Doesn't Concern You.


That's Cool, Martha.

Stokeley's a Patient.

I'm His Therapist.
He Knows Why He's Here.

Why Don't We Informally
Dialogue about It

Then Stokeley and I Can Go
Inside and Rap

In a More
Structured Manner?

Right. This Morning
I Caught Stokeley...

Not In The Sense Of Spying,
You Know How I Feel

About Violating a Child's

I Hear Ya.
This Morning I Caught Stokeley

Dealing With The Maid
As a Sex Object.

Of Course, For Her Own
Protection, I Had To Let Her Go.

You Were Reaffirming
Her Selfhood

Without Denying
Your Own Power Perimeters.

Good Girl.

Now, As Far as Stokeley's

It's Just a Question Of Puttin
Him In Touch With His Childhood.

I'm Only Ten Years Old,
You Dork.

Well, Then We Don't Have
Too Far To Go, Do We?


[Streetcar Bell Ringing]

Ok. Bye-Bye.



Typing... 50 Words a Minute.

Shorthand Is 40.

Let's Face It...

Uh, Harvey.


Secretarial Skills Suck.


You're Kind Of Cute, Though
Hey, You Know That?

Uh, You are Real, Uh...

Cute, Too, Stella.

But, Darn It, This Job Calls
For Someone With Skills.

Don't Worry, Harv,
I'll Fake It.

When Do I Start?

Oh, I Wish It
Was That Easy.

But I Have Got all Of These
Other Girls To Look at.


Hire One Of Them.

See You
Around, Harv.

You Know, Stella.

I Seldom Speak More
Than 40 Words a Minute.

Ok, Harv.

When's Lunch?

Oh, Yeah.

Uh, Shin Splints.

[Man Chatting,

[Horn Honks]

Hey, Watch It!


Oh, Hi.

I'm Martha Stearns.
Get In.

I'm So Glad
You Were available.

My Regular Maid
Maria, Uh, Quit,

Suddenly Gone Back
To Panama.

And You Won't Be
Lieve The Next Few Days.

My Consciousness-Raising
Group Is Probably...

Waiting at The House
Right Now.

And I Have To Get Everything
Ready For a Big Wedding.

Mine. It's Not Far Off.

Oh, Wonderful.



This Is Gonna Be
Hard To Verbalize

So I'm Just Gonna Be
Right Up-Front With You.

I Realize What Kind Of
A Statement You're Making

And I'm Sure It's
Valid For You, But...

I'm Having Some
Problems With It.

With What?

The Uniform.

Well, What's Wrong
With It?

Oh, It's Not The Uniform,
It's The Idea Of The Uniform.

Oh, You Want Me To Wear
Regular Clothes

So People Will Think I'm Just
Your Black Friend Who Dropped By

To Clean Your House ?Cause I
Ain't Got Nothing Better To Do.

Would You?

[Women Chatting In Next Room]
Martha: Completely Negative.

Everything I Did.

Carol, I Swear.

When It's Your Turn
To Bring The Goodies,

Your Taste Just Boggles Me.

Oh, Really! Look at This
Brie! It's Gorgeous.

I Could Make
A Meal Of It.

Well, Enjoy It ?Cause It
Almost Didn't Get Here.

This Kid at The Market
Had The Hots For Me.

I Mean, He Followed Me
Out To My Van Even.

I Practically Had To Hit Him With
The Groceries Just To Get away.

Like I Said, It's a Problem
Sometimes, But Tell Me, Carol,

I'm Dying To Know...

How Do You Cast
A Spell Over Men?

First, She Grabs Their Balls.

That's a Really
Negative Comment.

Well, Most True Things are.
Don't Be a Bitch.

A Bitch?!
Wait, Wait, Wait!

I... I'd Like
To ask a Question.

I Mean, Not To Put Down The
Group Or anything, You Know,

But We Have Been Coming
Here For Months,

Rapping Like This,

And I Just
Get The Feeling

That We Should
Do Something.

Like What?
Hold a Bazaar?

No, We Come, We Talk,

We Tell Each Other
How Pissed Off We are,

And Nothing Happens!

Spare Me The Jane Fonda

Excuse Me, Mrs., Uh...


Oh, Rachel. Hello.

Oh, I'd Like You To Me
Et Some Friends Of Mine.

This Is Vivian, Carol,
Angela, Kate.


Would You Like Some
Coffee, Rachel?

I Don't Know...

Absolutely! We're Just
Raising Our Consciousness Here.

What's That?

What's That?

Rachel, We're Rapping about
How Women Have Changed.

We're Not Buyingthat
Drudge Bit anymore.

We're Not Just Taking
Care Of Kids and Cooking,

Mopping Floors,
Scrubbing Toilets...

Where's The Comet?

Fuck The Comet.
Sit Down, Rachel.

Now, Rachel,
You Don't Have To Talk

Unless There's Something
You Really Want To Talk about.

For Instance, Rachel,
I'm Marrying Bill,

And I Guess I Wanna
Talk about

Why I'm Having Trouble
Talking about It.

Well, Could Be Because Bill Was
Married To Vivian For 10 Years.


Vivian and I Got Clear
On That Months ago.

I Think It's Really Nice

That Martha Is Carrying On
Vivian's Work With Bill.

Darling, as I Recall,
Martha Came To Work Early.

That's Not Fair, Vivian.

You and Bill Had an Open
Marriage at That Point.

Bill Had
An Open Marriage.

I Had
A Yeast Infection.

Look, Can We Get Back
To The Point?

I Mean, Martha Has Her Doubts,
And I Think They're Valid.

I Mean, Does She Want
To Wind Up Like Kate?

What's Wrong With Kate?
I Don't Think It's Kate.

I Think It's Harvey.

Of Course It's Harvey,
I Mean, Harvey's a Drag.

Harvey Is Not a Drag!

You... Uh...

There are Certain Things
That He... He Has To Work Out.

Axelrod Has Been Having
A Problem Lately.


Very apt, Carol. Very apt.

God, You Don't Hold
Nothing Back, Do You?

Isn't It Beautiful,

Women Feeling Free To Say Whatever
Crosses Their Mind.

How's Your Sexual
Relationship, Rachel?

For Instance,
What about This Morning?

He Was at Work
Before I Woke Up.

How about
Last Night?

He Brought Home a Six-Pack,
I Made Pizza.

We Watched Merv Griffin,

Then He Looked at His Watch
Like He always Does

And Says, "Well, It's Time
To Play Hide The Salami."

He Makes Sam Look Like
Cary Grant.

I Didn't Mind.

Didn't Mind?

Rachel, It's Supposed To Be
A Richly Fulfilling Experience.

I Mean, First,
A Tingling Feeling,

Then Wave after Wave
Of Beautiful...

Oh, That.

It's Called
An Orgasm, Darling.

I Know, I Had Seven Of ?Em
Last Night.


Since We're all Being
Perfectly Open With One another,

I'm Sure Rachel That Will Be
Willing To Tell Us,

Purely From a Socio-Cultural
Overview Of Course,

If all Those Stories We Hear
About Black Men are True.

I Have No Idea.

I've Never Been To Bed
With anyone But Wong.

All: Wong?

Fellow Members

Of The Human Community.

This Is a Wedding
Of Two Separatenesses

Under The Cosmos.

Now, I'm Not Going To Pronounc
These Children Married.

Great, Let's Go.
Come On, Harvey.

Only They Can Do That.

They are Now Going
To Recite Their Vows.







Your-Ness, My-Ness,





Now, Bill, I'd Like To Hear
Where Your Head Is at.

Thank You, Martha,
For Pushing My Button,

Thank You For Inviting Me
To Participate In Your Life,

For I am an asshole,

And Being an asshole
Is Neither Good Nor Bad.

It Just Is.

I Think That Says It all.

These are Exciting Times,
Aren't They?

Gas Is Over a Dollar a Gallon,

And It's Ok To Be an asshole.

I Now Pronounce You...

Pair Bonded

For as Long as Your
Relationship Continues

To Be Mutually


That Spike Is
A Really Spiritual Person.

I Wonder If He
Fools around.

Isn't This Beautiful?

Friends and Family
And Music.

The Idea Of Telling Someone That
You're Gonna Love Them Forever.

Kate, Have You Noticed
How Martha's Forevers

Tend To Last
About Two Months?

Yeah, Well, at Least She's Not
Afraid To Make The Commitment.

Vivian, I Want You To Know That
During The Ceremony

You Showed a Terrific
Sense Of Dignity

And Maintained
A Nearly Perfect Center.

Thank You, Leonard.

Coming From You, That's
Totally Unnecessary.

Well, Were You
Properly Moved, Sam?

Do You Believe
This Garbage?

Kate Loved It.

Oh, Boy.

Who are They?

Weekend Freaks.

No, They're Gay.

Well, No, No.

During The Week, They're
Completely Normal.

But On Weekends, They Dress
Up Like Hell's Angels

And Listen To a Lot
Of Judy Garland Records

That's It?
And They Beat The Shit

Out Of People
Who Offend Them.

You Mean No Decorator Jokes?


What The Hell
Are They Doing Here?

Well, They Came
To See Spike.

You See That Guy In The
Silver Helmet There?

That's Skull.
That's Their Leader.

He's Got a Crush
On Spike.

So Spike Is
A Little...

Oh, No, No, No, But Skull Is
Sure Gonna Try To Change That.

Now There's a Wedding
I Would Pay To See.

[ Disco Music Playing]

What You Got
With Meat In It?

Nothing. Try This
Lentil Loaf, Man.

No, Thanks.

Have You Seen Kate?

Yeah, But Not
Nearly Enough.

You Know, Harv, I Think Kate
Should Come and See Me

Three Times a Week.
Sustained Therapy...

Leonard, Leonard... Lenny!

Here. Now.



Hi, Harv.

Great. Thanks.

Carol. Carol?

Have You Seen Kate?

Oh, Harvey. I Don't Think
I've Seen anything

In The Last 20 Minutes.

That Spencer Deals
Some Heavy Shit. Ha Ha.

I'm Telling You, Joanie,
I Know One When I See One,

And Harvey Is One.

For The Last Time, Spencer,
My Father Works at Wells Fargo.

He's Not a Narc.

Just Look at
The Man's Shoes.

People Don't Buy
Shoes Like Those.

Want To See a Narc?

This Guy Coming Over,
He's a Narc.

Jim Is No Narc. He Used
To Be Such a Stoner

He'd Come To Parties
With a Seeing-Eye Dog.

Hey, Jim.

Say Hello To Joanie.

Hello, Joanie.

So, Where Have You Been?

Oh, I've Been Getting
My Life Together.

It's all Beautiful Now.

Oh, Right. Did You Make
That Big Score?

Oh, No, Spence.
I'm Out Of That.

I'm Living With Some
Beautiful, Loving Peop Le.

We Have a Big House
In The City.

"Church Of Oriental Harmony."

I'm Not Into
Organized Religion.

Come See Us, Joan.

You'll Like Us.

Sam, Get In That Tub.
Angela, I'm Not Gonna Do It.

Maybe I'll Try When
Everybody Goes Home

But Not In Front
Of all These People!

It's No Good Unless a Lot Of
People Get In It Together!

What's Everybody
So Uptight about?

All Right!
I'll Do It!

I Need You To Help Me With
The Hors D'oeuvres.

Oh, Sam, It's Good

I'll Be Back.

Look, I'm Ok,
You're Ok. Ok?

No, You're Not
Ok. Ok?

Ok. So Long, Spike.


You Know What I Think?

It's Beautiful.

I Think It's Wonderful

That Martha and Bill
Have a Marriage Contract

That Spells Out Everything.

I Wish
We Had a Contract.

You Mean Like Who
Takes Out The Garbage?

That Kind Of Everything?

Every Kind
Of Everything.

How Often? Who Starts It?

You Mean Nooky?

Sexual Responsibilities
Are Covered, Yes.

He Means Nooky!
Oh, Sam, For God's Sake!

Where Do I Sign? It's Gotta Be
Better Than My Present Deal.

Where Have You Been?
Where You Weren't.

I Don't Want
Any Trouble.

Well, Thanks. I Had To Talk
To That Idiot Leonard.

See? That's What I Mean.

You're attacking Leonard.

I'm Not attacking Leonard.
I'm Supporting Leonard.

I'm Giving Him $240 a Month
Every Month For Your Therapy.

Oh, Well,
I'll Pay For It Myself.

With What?
I'll Get a Job.

Doing What? You've Got a
B.A. In Literature.

You're Gonna Go Door To Door a
Explain The Hidden Meanings

Of Huckleberry Finn?

A Lot Of Rage, Harvey.
A Lot Of Rage.

Harvey: 8:30. I Wonder If Bill
And Martha are Still Married.

Kate: Do You Care?
No. I Just Wonder.

[ Music Playing]
[Dog Barking]

Harvey: What The Hell
Is Going On In Our House?!

Jesus Christ!

No. No, Thank You.
What's Going On Here?

Joanie. Joanie!



Get Down.

Get Down!
All Right, all Right.

He Didn't Mean It.

Hey, Man, Just In Time.
We're Out Of Beer.

When You Wanna...
Shut Up, Spencer.

I Don't
Believe This.

Will You Just
Take It Easy?

You Don't approve
Of This, Do You?

No, But There's
A Way Of Handling It.

Right. How's This?
All Right! Everybody Out!

Come On, Out! Out!

This Is a Private Home!
[Music Stops]

Bye. Nice To
See You again.

Joanie! What Is This?
I Hope You Had a Good Time.

Where Do You Find These People?
Under Rocks, Or Something?

Off My Bike!
Hey, Uncool, Harv.

Spencer, Get Out Your ass
Out Of This House Now!

Stay Mellow!

You're Really Sick,
You Know?

You're a Sickie
On a Power Trip.

Sit Down.


I'll Do This!
I Wanna Talk To You.

You Don't Talk To Me,
You Talk at Me!

What's The Difference?
You Don't Listen anyway.

Because You Don't Make
Any Sense.

Try This. I'm The Father
And You're The Daughter.

Why Don't I Make You Real Happy
And Just Split?

Joanie, You're Grounded!

[Dog Barking]
I'm Not Finished!

Oh, Yes, You are!

You Know What You've Just
Done To Her Peer Group Dynamic.

Her What?
Her Socialization,

Her Individuation,
Not To Mention

The Father-Daughter Interface.

What are You
Talking about?

What Is "Interface"?
A New Word For Oral Sex?

Kate, For Christ's Sake,

Can't You Just
Speak English?

All Right.

I am Tired Of
Living With Someone

Whose Mind Is Closed,

Who Is Unwilling To Grow
And Will Not accept Reality.

What Reality?

Coming Home and Finding Out
That My House

Has Been Turned
Into an Opium Den

After Watching a Couple Of
Self-Proclaimed assholes

Getting Pair-Bonded By a Priest
From The Gong Show.

Kate, Do You Call
Lentil Loaf Reality?

I Call This Reality.

I'm Unhappy,
Your Daughter Is Unhappy,

And apparently
You are Unhappy.

Well, My Unhappiness
Counts around Here.

You're Not
Hearing Me.

I Heard The Part about
My Not Being Happy.

Oh, Yes, Take It Back
To Yourself!

We Were Talking
About Me!

I Might as Well
Talk To a Wall.

I Might as Well
Sleep With One.

Oh Ho Ho! Well...

Oh, That... That's It,

You Move Out Or Do I?

Who Is Talking
About Moving Out?

I've Never Felt Such Hostility
Towards Harvey Before. [Sniff]

You Felt This
Incredible Hostility.

Right. So I'm alone Now,

I'm Picking
Up The Pieces.

And, Well, Joanie's No Help.

No Help at all.

You Know, Of Course, She's
Confused, She's Not Home M'Uch.

She's Gone.

I Don't Know If She's Trying
Lay a Guilt Trip On Me Or What.

Who Knows?

I Just, Uh... Phew.

I Can't Handle any More
Emotional Input Right Now.

I Really Can't
Handle It.

You Can't Handle
Any More Emotional Input.

Not Right Now,
You Just Can't Handle It.

That's It. I've Got
Enough On My Mind.

I am alone, I've Got
Money Problems.

You Got Money Problems?

Yes, Sir.

Mr. Luckman
Will See You Now.


Oh. He Left. Ha.

It's Me.

Thank You.

You Know Why They Call Me
The Head-Hunter, Holroyd?

No. No, I Don't.

Well, It's Because I'm
Out There In That Jungle,

Beating The Bushes
For Guys With Brains.

Thank You.

Well, That's Why I'm Here.

I Think I'm In a Place Right Now,
In My Life

Where a Change Of Jobs Is

You Know, It's Funny,
I Hired a New Secretary,

Here I am Looking To Bust Out,
But, Uh...

I Feel I Have Talent.

Talent Isn't
Enough, Holroyd.

What My Clients are Looking For

Is a Guy Who Can Take
A Big Company By The Balls

And Squeeze.

Now, Holroyd.

This Is Where Most Guys
Turn To Cheese.


Hey, a Young Dude Like Y
Ou Pulling In 52,000?

They Must Love You
Over at Wells Fargo.

No, No, No. See, 52,000 Is What
I Feel I am Worth

And It's What I Would Want
In My Next Position.

Hold It, Holroyd, Hold It.

What's Your Salary Now?

Now Would Be, Uh...

Uh... 33,000.

Holroyd, You are 38 Years Old,

For Christ's Sake.

Well, In My Business,
We Have a Rule Of Thumb

That any Guy Who Isn't Earning
At Least His age Is a Loser.

That Means You've
Been a Loser For, Uh...

Five Years.

[Doorbell Chimes]

Hey, Joan.

It's Beautiful
To See You.

Come On In. You're Just
In Time For Dinner.

No, Thanks. I Was Just
In The Neighborhood.

Oh. How are Your Folks?

They Split Up.

Hey, I Understand.

It Can Be Really Tough When You
Don't Have a Family To Turn To.

Want To Come In and Rap about It
For a While?


To Our Home.



Wow, This Is
Really Heavy.

I Mean, You Know,
From The Outside,

It Just Looks Like
A House.

Well, We Don't Like
To Be Ostentatious

Come, Joan.

Meet Some
Of The Others.

This Is Joan.

This Is My Family.


All: We Love You, Joan.

Leonard Says Joanie Can't Take
Any More Upheavals Right Now.

She's Hardly Home anymore.

She Has Some New Friends
In San Francisco.

Won't Tell Me
Who They are.

Kate, Our Children
Are Through Us, Not Of Us.


You Know, Maybe I Should Give
Harvey another Chance.

No Shoulds
And No Ought S!



You're Handling This Whole Thing
So Beautifully.

You Know What
You're Giving Me?

You're Giving Me a Woman
Who Knows Where She's Going

Because She Knows
Where She's Been.

That's Where I'm at.

You Know What?

I Just Want
To Experience Me,

Relate To Me,
Just Be Me.

You Got To Be You,

Because You're You,
And You Gotta Be.

If You're Not Gonna Be Y Ou,

Well, Who's Gonna Be
You? Right?


So, Stella, Will You Just Have
Dinner With Me? That's all.

Just Dinner.
Will You Get Off My Case, Harv?

Stella, What's Wrong With Me?
Can You answer Me That?

If I am Such a Loser, Why
Did You Come On So Strong Before?

You Were Married Before.

Well, Now Is Better.

I'm a Single Man.

That's a Hassle, Harv.

Married Guys Make Clean Deals.

Single Ones Want To Get Into
Your Life as Well as Your Pants.

It's Just a Hassle, That's all.

So Will You Have Dinner With Me
Sometime Next Week?

Maybe. We Can Talk about It.

Would You Mind Backing Off,

I Don't Dig People
Copping Feels.

I Did Not Even... Ha Ha!

I Don't Understand This. I
Promise You, No Commitments.

Ok, Harvey, Ok.

Are You Ready For This?


I'm Inviting You
To an Orgy.

Well, What Do
You Say, Harvey?

If You're Coming,
I Want You To Say So Right Now

And No Cop-Outs.

I'll Come. In Fact, I Came When
You Invited Me! When Is It?

Three Weeks.

I Know The Guy Who's Opening
That New Sex Club Downtown,

The Chamber Of Venus.


So, Three Weeks,
The Chamber Of Venus.

And Just So You Don't Forget,

I'm Gonna Write It Down
In Your Calendar.

That Is Why You Hired Me.


The Chamber Of Venus.

Three Weeks.

Ok, I am Taking
The Secret Passageway,

And I'm Making
This accusation.

Colonel Mustard
With The Rope

In The Conservatory.

Wrong, Schmuck.

Not Wrong, Stokeley,

The Man Is a Genius.

I Had No Idea Till The Wedding
That Stokeley Had Such Hatred

Of Homosexuals.

What Direction
Is He Taking Him In?

How's This For Brilliance?
A Doll.

A Doll?

Gay Bruce. It Comes In a Little
Box Shaped Like a Closet.

You Know, Stokeley,

I Really Think It's Important

For You To Continue To Enjoy
Gay Bruce.

Have You Taken Him
To School Yet?


Well, Did You Play
With Him This Morning?


How about Tonight?

Why Don't You Guys Sit around
Together and Watch Television?

I Can't.
Why Not?

I Killed Him.

Why Did You Kill Gay Bruce?

?Cause He Was a Fag.

Did You Feel Threatened
By Gay Bruce, Then?


Well, Did Gay Bruce Remind You
Of Someone In Real Life?

Someone You Know? Someone
You Might Want To Hurt?

Ok, Stokeley, How Do You Feel
About, Let's Say, Me?

How Do You Feel about Your Good
Old Buddy Leonard?

I Hear Ya.

Man On P.A.: Manager's Service
On Number Nine.

Here's Your Change.

Have a Nice Day,

No, Over Here, Sir

I'm New at This.

No, I Do That


So, How's This?


I'm Getting
The Hang Of It.

Oh, Wow. Sure You Want
This Yucky Bread?

What's Wrong
With It?

It's Not Even Food.

It's White Flour
And Chemicals.

You Know There's
Even Sawdust In It?


Well, Cellulose.
The Same Thing.

Are You Gonna Put This
In Your One and Only Body?

I Have a Spare.

Look at all This
Garbage You Got Here.

Bar Nuts, Frozen Pizza,
Instant Coffee.

You're Poisoning

No Good, Huh?

Do You Know How
They Kill These animals?

I Try Not To Think
About It.

Listen, Do You See anything
In There That You Like?

The Onion. You Shouldn't Buy
Your Veggies Here Though...

They're Not Organic.

Ok, Marlene, That's It,
You're Fired.

Oh, Wow.

Hey, Wait a Minute.

I Warned Her.
Over and Over, I Warned Her.

I'm Only Trying To Keep
People From Killing Themselves.

Yeah, aren't You
Overreacting a Little?

Do You Have any Idea What This
Stuff Does To Rats?

I Don't Sell To Rats.
Take Off The apron,

I'll Finish Up Here.


You Know, I Wouldn't Mind
One Bit Going Back In There

And Giving That Manager
A Real Piece Of My Mind.

No, Hey...

That Was Such
A Crummy Thing To Do.

Well, anyway, Thanks.

It Was Really Far Out Of You
To Get Involved.

You're Really
A Beautiful Person, You Know?

Hey, Want To Go Have
A Cup Of Coffee?

Oh, I Don't Drink Coffee,
It's an artificial Stimulant.

Of Course.

Then You Wouldn't Want To Have
A Drink Either.

So What Do I Offer You?

Bite Of My Onion?

I'll Tell You What.

How about If I Just Go Home With
You and We Go To Bed Together?

We Could Do That.



Oh, Thank Goodness!

He's Very Ha...
Hard To Handle.

Dogs are My Business.

You're Coming To El Perro?

Oh, Yes. I Was Going To
Have Him Trimmed.

He's a Big Dog.
He Bites?

No, No. He's Never
Ever Bitten anybody.

He's a Pussycat.

His Name Is Pussycat?

No, No. I Mean
He's Very Sweet.

But Don't Trim Him
Too Much.

Do Not Worry.
I am an artist

I Trim Dogs For Now,
Until I am Established


My Name Is Paco.

Paco. Paco.

I'm Kate.

So You're an artist, Hmm?

That's Wonderful.

In Argentina, My Home,
I am Renowned.

I Have Many Exhibitions.
Here Is Very Difficult.

All Galleries Is Controlled
By The Mafia.


This Is True.


Well, I Guess
I... ahem... Better Be Going.

You Come For Pussycat at
Five O'clock When I Close.

We Will, Um, Maybe Celebrate
How Beautiful He Is

With a Glass Of Wine.

I Don't Know...

My Husband, Uh...

[Dog Whining]

Five O'clock?


That's Fine.

That Is Just...

That's Fine.

Five O'clock. Goodbye.

[Dogs Barking]

Shut Up,
You Sons Of Bitches!

[Knock On Door]

Just a Minute!

Hi, Harvey.




What's That
Funny Smell?

I Don't Smell anything.

Have You Been
Eating Meat?

Meat? Wouldn't Touch It.

It's Protein-Flavor
Tooth Paste.

Hey, I Made This Fantast Ic

Millet and Okra Casserole
For Dinner.

My Favorite.

Harvey, When are You
Gonna Tell Kate

That We're Living Together?
Pretty Soon. Any Day.

When She's, Uh, Stronger.

Why Can't I Even
Meet any Of Your Friends?

They Have To Get Stronger Too.

Well, We Can't Just
Spend The Whole Time In Bed.

It's Gross
Absolutely Right.

To The Hot Tub.

We Love You, Joanie

Oh, Yes We Do

We Love You, Joanie

Oh, Yes We Do

We Love You, Joanie

We Do

Joanie, We Love You

Sam: How Often?

Do I ask You about
You and Angela?

There's Nothing To Tell.

Come On, Now, Tell Me...
How Often?


Well, Sam, It's Like
Anything Else, Ok?

At First, We Couldn't
Get Enough.

And Now Not So Often, But...

But We Both Know The Other One
Is There Whenever We Want It.

How Often?

Three, Four Times.

Three Or Four Times a Week?

A Day.
Oh, My God.

It's Not What
You Think It Is.

You almost Start
To Dread It.

I'd Risk It.

Good, Baby, Good!

Dancin' Dan!

Go, Corduroy Pants!

Good, Go, Go, Go!

Go, Great Legs!

Hey, That's Beautiful,
People, Just Beautiful.

Hey, Sam, Out Front, Come On,
Here With Me.

Come On, Sam.

I'm Fine Where I am.
You Get Out There, Sam

You're acting Like This
Is a High School.

I Didn't Dance Like This
At High School.

Get Out There, Sam

[Telephone Rings]
I'll Get That.

I'll Get It.
You Dance.

Ok, Sam, Come On, We're
Gonna Lead With The Left Foot.

Take Your Hands
Off Me, Ok?

Ok, Left Foot
Forward. Go!

Together. There.

Hey, Move The Torso,
Sam, Come On!

Hands Off!

Sam! Sam!

It's Kate. She Just Got
A Call From Joanie.

Are You Ready For This?
She's Joined The Church

Of Oriental Christian Harmony.

Go Find Harvey.

Angela: Ok. Yeah.

Man: Two Kamikazes, a Black
Russian, a Rusty Nail...

[Organ Playing
Michael, Row The Boat ashore]

Uh-Uh. It's...
The Boat ashore?

A... It Goes Up
Not ashore

Harvey. Boy, am I Glad
To See You.

I've Been Going around To
Every Bar In Marin.

Me, Too.

Harvey, You Got To Go Home.

Kate Called.

Joan Joined The Church
Of Oriental Christian Harmony.

Oh, My God. How's Kate?

She Needs You.

I'll Get It.

Sam, Do Me One More Favor. Stop
By My Little apartment There

And Tell Marlene...

Gimme a Break, Will You, Harv?
I'm Gonna Miss Johnny Carson!

Come On, Sam, You Gotta Do This.

What am I Supposed To Tell Her?

Tell Her That There's
A Emergency In My Family.

I Think This Qualifies.

Thank You.


Angela Said She's a 15-Year-Ol
Nymphomaniac. Is That True?

She's 19.

And a Half.

I Came as Fast as I Could, Kate.

Well, You're a Little Hard To
Reach These Days.

I Guess Driving
Your Little Friend

To Girl Scout Meetings Takes Up
A Lot Of Your Time.

Kate, You Still Get Be
Ing Liberated Mixed Up

With Being a Bitch

Oh, Let's Stop This, Huh?

We Haven't Even
Said Hello Yet.

Hello, Harvey.

Hello, Kate.

What are We Going To Do?
We're Going To Get Her Back.

Kate: Ginger Gallagher Has
A Lot Of Experience With This.

Her Cousin Lost Two Kids
To The Hare Krishnas

And One Was Clubbed To Death
By a Baby-Seal Hunter.

Whatever Happened To Running
Away and Joining The Circus?

You Know, They Say This Group
Finds Kids Who are alienated

And Love-Bombs Them

Until The Feeling Of Being
Wanted Is Irresistible.

So The Only Way
To Fight It

Is To Smile all The Time
And Love-Bomb Them Right Back.

An To
Perfect. ?Cause I Pl

Love-Bomb The Shit
Out Of Those Bastards.

Hi. We're The Holroyds.

We'd Like To See
Our Daughter Joanie.

Joanie Holroyd. Oh, We Love Her
So, and We Love You, Too.

Well, We Don't Love You,
You Little Zombie,

So Just Cut The Shit
And Get Our Kid.


Oh, That's all Right,
Mrs. Holroyd.

We Love Joanie So,
And She's So Happy Here,

And When Mr. Holroyd Sees That,
He'll Love Us, Too.



Oh, My God!

Careful, Kate,
You Might Get an answer.

Wait Here, Please.

It's Hard To Believe

They Can
Afford all This

From Just Selling

I Have a Feeling Some
Poppies Were Involved.



I'm Daphne, Joan
Ie's Spiritual Big Sister.

That's Great News.

I'm So Happy To Know
You. We Just Love Joanie.

We Just Love Joanie, Too.

And We Love You.

And I Love You.

And I Love You.

And I Love You,

And We Would Love
To See Joanie.

Follow Me.

Harvey, I'm Scared.

Don't Worry.




Mrs. Holroyd,
I Love You.

Be Seated.


Mr. Holroyd...

You Love Me.

And I Love This Chair,
And I'll Be Seated.

Hi, Honey.

I... I Thought You Were Doing
Your Own Thing, Harv.

Well, Harvey Wanted
To Come With Me To See You

Because We Both
Love You So Much.

And Why Don't We Just Jump
In The Old Volvo

And You Can Come Back and Play
With Your New Pals

Anytime You Want.

Because If I Even Went
Near The Old Volvo, Harv,

You'd Probably Kidnap Me.

Oh, Don't Be Silly, Dear.

Why Would I Wanna
Steal You away

From a Dynamite Place
Like This?

Because You Have No
Respect For My Rights.

I'm Old Enough
To Make My Own Decisions.

This Is My Decision.

You See?
She's Happy.

You Can Write Her.

Why Don't
You Withdraw?

Withdraw? Don't You Tell Me
To Withdraw From My Own Child!


What Kind
Of a Religion Is This?

This Is My Baby!
You are Breaking Up a Family!

I Nursed Her
At My Breast.

God, Kate,
You're So Gross.

You Get Back!
Harvey: Kate, Calm Down!

Joan, Come... Joan, Come Here!

Harvey: Kate, Kate!

I Can't Believe I Called The
High Priest a Cocksucker.

I Thought
You Were Terrific.

I Think That
We've Lost Her, Harvey.


Maybe For
A Little While.

She's a Smart Girl,

She Hates Purple.

Kate, I Think We Oughta Give Us
Another Shot.

We Have a Negative
Family Dynamic.

I Don't Know.
I Think We Have

Some Important Stuff
Going For Us.

Yeah. Anger,
Mistrust, alienation,

Lack Of Communication...

Right. And God Damn It,

I'm Not Gonna Give That
Stuff Up Without a Fight.





The Night, Harv.

You Know What? I'm, Uh...

I'm Having a Little Bit Of
Trouble With This Whole Thing

Because, See, My Wife and I
Are Back Together again.

See, ?Cause My Kid Joined a Cult

And Really Kinda Got Us
Where We Live.

So What Is It
I'm Trying To Say?

That's The Question, Really,
Isn't It?

So, Uh, Really The
Answer Is That

I'm Going To, Uh,

I'm Gonna Have To Take
A Rain Check On The Orgy.

No Hard Feelings.

Oh, God, Harv. Haven't You Rea
Open Marriage?

I'll Get To That
As Soon as I Finish

Meter Maids In Bondage, Ok?

You Know, I've Thought all along

That You've Had These Sexual
Hang-Ups, Harv.

I Have
No Sexual Hang-Ups.

Your Mother Probably
Taught You Sex Was Dirty.

Leave My Mother
Out Of This.

[ Soul Music Playing]

Mmm, Good Party.

Just Because Vivian's
Your Ex-Wife

Doesn't Mean You Can't Have
A Relationship.

I Have a Relationship With
Vivian... We Hate Each Other.

I Don't accept Hate. Work It
Out, Work It Through.

No Working Out.

One, Two, Three. A One, Two.
One, Two, Three.

Oh, Doesn't an
Gela Look Marvelous?

You'd Never Know
Sam Had Moved In

With That Little Girl
Harvey Was Fucking

Harvey's Little Friend.

It's all Right,
I'm Not Uptight about It.

I Love The Thought Of You and
Harvey Being Together again.

Of Course, You Know,
We're Still Defining

The Parameters
Of Our Relationship,

But I Think This Time Harvey

That We're Never Going
Back To That Other Trip.



"Never" In Spanish.

Then It Is True.

What I Heard about You and That
Argentinean Dog Clipper.

He Is Not a Dog Clipper,
He's an artist.

He Can't Get a Gal
Lery Because Of The Mafia.

Kate, You Devil.
How Often Do You See Him?

When Elton
Needs Clipping.

How Often Is That?

Once, Twice,
Three, Four Times a Week.


Hey, Harv!

I Think I'm
Going To Get My Purse.

I Think I'll Stay.

Harvey: What are
You Doing Here?

Hey, Harv.

My Friends are
Having a Party

Yeah, But Do You Want To
Go Through all This?

Harv, I'm Not
Ashamed Of anything.

You Know, Sam Stone Has a
Right To Live In This World,

The Right
To Be Happy.

More Than anybody, Sam.

Come On, Baby,
Let's Dance.

Harv, Sam's Great
But He's Really Freaky.

I Mean, He's a Sex Maniac.

He Wants Me To Do It With
Him Standing In a Hammock.

That's Kinky
And Dangerous.

Marlene! Come On, Baby!

So You Can Boogie, You Bastard.

Sam: Cool Out, Angela.
Look at Him.

Sales Manager
For a Baby-Food Company

And He Thinks
He's a Hippie.

You Know What's Gonna
Happen To Him?

He's Gonna Have a Coronary.

I Won't
Have a Coronary!

If God Is Listening,
You're Going To Have a Coronary!

Man: My God, What Is That?
Kate: It's Elton John.

Man: He Doesn't Even Look
Like a Dog anymore.

Kate: Never Mind about That.
What about Me?

You're Right. You're Right.

It's absolute Hay!

Shelly, Wash This
Or Burn It.

Shelly: Ok?

Ok, Hurry It Up.

All Right.


Oh, Hi, Carol.

Now, Donald, What I Would Like
Is Something...

You Will Take
What I Give You and Love It.

I Wish He Wouldn't Kiss
Me On The Mouth Like That.

Eww, Right. You Never Know Where
His Lips Have Been.


What The Hell,
He's a Genius.

Well, I'm Gonna Need It.
Look at This.

Really. Well, You've Gotta Work
With What You've Got.

Which Reminds Me,
Have You Still Got Harvey?

Why Do You always Talk about
Harvey Like He Was a Used Car?

Of Course I Still Have Harvey.

But Nothing.

Well, That's Not What I Heard.

What Did You Hear?
Well, Martha Told Me

That Were Getting It On
With another Man.

I Can't Stand It.

I Said, "My God.
It's about Time."

I Never Thought Kate Would Make
With anyone But Her Husband.

Details, Details.

Well, Martha Wouldn't
Tell Me Who.

Anyone I Know?

Carol, I Really Don't Th
Ink It's any Of Your Concern.

Well, Of Course It's My Concern.

I Mean, all This Time I Thought

You Were This
Little Goody Two-Shoes.

Tell Me about It.
Well, Now You Turn Out

To Be This Incredibly Real
Human Being.

I Think It's Fantastic.

You Little Dickens!




He's an artist.

An Artist?


What's He Look Like?

He's Sort Of, Um...

He's Gorgeous!

Harvey Will Shit!

He's Really Dark and...

Is He Younger Than You?

He's Argentinean,

And His Name,
I Love His Name. It's Paco.


Ah, I Love To Say It.

Paco, Paco, Paco.

Paco From El Perro?

Yes, Paco!

Small World, Donald.

Donald, Wait!
Wait! Donald!

Wait, Stop It! Aah!

You'll Match Your Dog.

What are You... Please!

Kate, Paco and Donald
Are Lovers.

He Didn't Say anything
about Being Bisexual.

Oh, No, He's Nothing...

You Said
You Were Lovers.

No, No, She Said It.

Martha Said It, Everybody
Said It, But...

Oh, My... God!

[Telephone Rings]

Have a Nice Weekend, Brad.

Good Night, Jackie.

Harvey, Telephone.

Yes, It Is a Telephone, Stella.
Who Is It?

Uh, It's Your Chick
From The Checkout Stand

Returning Your Call.



Hi. Listen, I'm Glad
You Called Back.

I'm Really
Worried about Sam.

Is He Ok? Is He Worse?
Is He Better? Is He What?

He Got Fired.

Jesus, He Was The West Coast
Sales Manager.

They Caught Him Smoking Dope
In His Office.

That'll Do It.

Listen, I'm Really Glad
You Called, Harv,

Because There's Some
Thing I Really Wanna Be

Upfront With You about.

I'm Doing This Because
I Really Feel You Gotta Learn

To Get Behind Pain, You Know?

Send Me The Pain.

Harvey, I Found Out That Kate
Is Just Incredibly Committed

To another

What's His Name?

I Needed To Share
This With You, Harvey.

So Share It.
Who's The Guy?

Let Me Just Say She's Really
Relating To The Third World.


No. Not The Dog Clipper
She Takes Elton John To.

No, Not Paco.

Harvey, Listen, I'm
Gonna Hang Up Now,

But I Want You To Know
I Feel Really Good

About This
Whole Conversation.


My Wife Is Balling
A Banana Republic Paul Newman

Who Runs
A Dog Beauty Parlor.

And I Think That I
Am Going To Kill Him.

Harv, Wait!

Just Relax, Harv.

Go With It.

If You Can't Beat Them,
Harv, Join Them.

Remember That Date Of Ours

You've Been Trying To
Get Out Of For So Long?

Not That Club, The Chamber Of


There's One Tonight,

And, Uh, I Think It Would Do You
Good To Get Your Oil Changed.

Oh, Christ, Stella,
I Don't Know, Really.


Couple Of Drinks First,
It Might Not Be So Bad.

[ Disco Music]

Sir? Beer, Please?

First Time Here?

Yes. Yes, It Is.

I'll Bring It To You.
Thank You.


Come On, Harv.

Listen, Stella,
I Have Been Thinking.

Maybe I Shouldn't Rush
Into This Thing.

Maybe Just
You and I alone...

Harvey, If You're Not There,
I'm Gonna Start Without You.

Oh, I'll Be There.
I Will Be There.

No, No, No.
Bring Me a Double.

Of What?


Oh, My God.


Stella? Stella.

Man: Is That Your Back, Or...

Man: That's My Elbow.

Harvey: Very Nice.

Stella? Stella?

Excuse Me.

You Look a Lot Like Stella.

Excuse Me.

Ex... Excuse Me.

Man: Oww!

Right Through There and...

Both: Oww!

No, No!

Sir? Sir, I Realize
This Is a Bad Time

But, Uh, My Foot.

Right, Thanks.

Man: are You Coming Or Going?
Stella? Excuse Me.

Harvey Holroyd!

Harvey, This Is Mark.

Hi, I'm, Uh,
Harvey, Uh, Smith.

You Better Hurry, Girls.
I'm Gonna Eat all The Cake.

Woman: Don't You Dare!

I Really Love Your Hair, Kate.

I Love It. Who Did It?

A Couple Of People.
What Do You Call It?

Poodle Cut.

By The Way,

I Saw Harvey
Last Night

With His Secretary.

Oh, Yeah, I Know, He S
Aid They Were Working Late.

At an Orgy?

Carol, You Know, You've always
Been Really Open With Me,

And I'd Like To Be Open
With You, Too.

You're a Cunt.

But Extremely
Well Dressed.

Thank You.
You're Welcome.

Martha. Martha?
Martha, Don't Give Me That

Is Powerful" Stuff.

Kate Has Moved Out.

"Right On" Your ass.
This Is Serious!

She Even Took The Cuisinart!

I'd Help You Carry That Stuff
But, Like, It Would Be Sexist.

Oh, That's all Right,
This Is all.

God, These Stairs
Are a Killer.

They're Not Bad If
You're In Shape.

You Know, This Is Exactly The
Kind Of House We Had In Mind

When We Moved To
Mill Valley.

Well, You Made It.

I'll Show You
Where To Put That Stuff.

Are The Other People Here?

Uh, Well, Uh, Woman's around
And Millie and Gunther...

He Collects The Rent
And Fixes Things,

And, Like Harold's

Oh, I Hope They Like Me.

Hey, There's No Problem,
Because The Main Thing Is

You're Exactly
The Kind Of Person

We Hoped Would
Answer The ad.

You're a Mature,
Mellow Female

Into Shared Responsibilities,
Creativity, Meditation,

An Ex Graduate,
And a Vegetarian.

I Suppose I Could
Become a Vegetarian.

Hey, Just Remember, Like,

No Meat In The House

Because, Like, Harold Goes
Into anaphylactic Shock.

Martha? Harvey.

Listen, I Was Kind Of
Wondering Sitting Here,

Do You Think It's Possible
For You To Tell Me

Where To Find Kate
Without Giving Me a Speech?

That's a Speech.

Angela, Listen, Before
You Start Screaming

about How I Ruined Your Life By
Introducing Sam To Marlene,

I Just Want To Know
Where To Find Kate!


No, No,
Leave Me alone.

You Want a Flower?

No. I Don't
Want any.







Ah, Go On.

May I Have Some
More Flowers, Joanie?

I Love You, Joanie.

You Bet.



Daddy, Over Here!


Daddy! Wait a Minute.
This Is My Father.

Joanie! Joanie!

Just Watch It, Buster.
That Is My Daughter.

We Love You.
I Don't Care!

Wait a Second, Honey.





Don't Sit On The Turd.



What are You Doing Here?

I Practically Live Here.

Why The Plastic Turd?

It's My Homework.

He Says My Mind Is Not
In Touch With My Body,

So I'm Supposed To Learn
My Body's Beautiful,

Starting With Shit.

Stokeley, My Man. Ah, You
Remembered Your Little Turd!

Nummy, Nummy, Nummy.

Oh, Hi, Harv.

Leonard, This'll
Only Take a Minute.

I'd Love To,
But It's Not My Decision.

See, This Is Stokeley's Hour.

Are You Kidding?
Take The Whole Hour.

Beautiful, Babe.
Kid's Learning To Share.

Thanks, Stoke.
Screw You.



Leonard, My Family
Is In Big Trouble.

You Want To Rap about That?
No. I Want To Find Kate.

Yeah, Well, You Know,
Separations are Painful.

Now, If You Like, I Can
Put You In Our Grief Program.

I Just Want To Find Out
Where She Is.

Hey, Harv.
That's Her Space.

Right. And What's
The address Of Her Space?


You Ever Been






Transactional analysis?


Have You Ever Had Your Head
Shoved Up Your ass?

715 Blythedale Canyon.

I'd Like To Reserve
The Living Room For Wednesday?

I'm Having My Sierra Club, Uh,
Hiking Group Over.

That's Cool, Millie.

Speaking Of Reserving
The Living Room,

Do You Mind
Letting Us Know

When You Invite
The Sisters Home?

It Freaks Me Out To Walk
Into Some Seminar

On Gynecological

I Noticed You Hung around
Long Enough.

Kate! Kate!
Oh, God.

Kate. Excuse Me.
Who's That?

That's My Husband.
Harvey, Not Now.

Yes, Right Now.
Hey, Brother, Come On In,

Sit Down. This Is
The Weekly Rap. Join In.

Get Lost. I Wanna Talk
With My Wife.

What Is This "My Wife" Crap?

Who are You?


Woman Who?

Just Woman.

How Do You
Get Your Mail?

Kate, For Christ's Sakes,
Come Home.

I am Home.

I'm Sure You People Have
Some Cosmic Crap To Discuss.

Excuse Me. Kate!

Boy, Is He Fucked Up.
Did You See That Suit?

Ah, Come On.
This Is So Crazy.

Kate. Kate.

Go away!

Kate. Kate.

Please, Go away.

That's Tough, Harv, But I Don't
Exactly Know What I Can Do.

Well, Look,
She's Tight With Martha,

I Mean, She Respects Martha.

So Maybe If You
Could Talk To Martha

And Have Her
Talk To Kate.

It's Got a Flaw, Harv.

What's That?

See, Martha and
I are Split also

I Thought You Were
Writing a Book Together.

We Were. Marriage alternatives.

We're Finishing It
Through The Mail.

Isn't That Sam?



Hi, Harv.

You all Right?

I'm Fine, Harv.
I'm Beautiful. How are You?

I'm Good. Where's The Beard
And The Jeans?

I Don't Know.

Leonard Said I Had
A Nervous Breakdown.

I Thought I Was Having
A Good Time.

Leonard? You're Not Seeing
Leonard. Come On, Sam Stone?

Oh, He's Very Good,

He Showed How
My Conflict With My Job

Was Traceable
To My Birth Trauma.

In The Tank With The Snorkel?

Oh, I Love The Water.
Getting Into The Water

Was Like Going Back To
The Womb, It's Wonderful.

You are Seeing Leonard.

What about Marlene?

That's Over.
I Made a Terrible Mistake.

But You Seemed So Happy.

I Was Wrong.

What about Your Thousand,
Fifteen Hundred Extra Bullets?

I Guess I'll Have
To Use Them Up On Angela.

Course, They'll Last
A Lot Longer That Way.

Did You See
Carson Last Night?

Johnny Carson.

Oh, No.

Between The Hot Tub
And My Quaaludes,

By Eleven O'clock I'm

You're Not Taking Quaaludes,

Leonard Says You Can?T Bring Down
An Elephant With a B.B. Gun.

Sam... Let's Have Lunch, Huh?

Sure, Harv, Sure,
I'll Call You.

No. Tomorrow, For Sure.

Sure, Harv. Sure.

I'll Call You.

Tomorrow, Sam.


Christ, I Don't Believe
What's Happened To Sam.

Yeah. I Heard Leonard Had Kinda
Helped Him To Mellow Out.

Mellow Out? Look at Him!



Sam. Sam.



Stop The Boat!
Stop It!

[Chanting and Drumming]

Thank You,
Chief Billy Jack George.

I Think That Really Says

Not Only about
Physical Death,

But about all Of Us

Being at One
With The Cosmos.

[Woman Wailing]

Before We Scatter
Sam's ashes...

I Wonder If We Might all
Just Express Our Feelings

About The Loss Of Someone
We all Cared about.

John Will Be Passing
The Microphone

So Our Beloved Angela

Will Have
A Memorial Cassette

Of This Experience.

Join Hands, Please.

Life Stinks.

He Jumped.

He Jumped.

Sam Didn't Fall
Off The Ferry.

Sam Jumped!
He Killed Himself.

[Angela Wailing]

Beautiful, Babe.

But Now It's Time To
Do The ashes Thing.

What ashes Thing?

To Return Sam
To His Favorite Place.

This Is Not
His Favorite Place.

It's His Favorite Place.

You Wanna Put Sam
In His Favorite Place,

Put This In Front
Of a 24-Inch Sony.

Jesus Christ! Didn't anybody
Know This Man?

Harvey, Stop It!

Will You Please
Just Stop It?

Don't You Think You're
Overreacting Here, Harv?

I Don't Know.
My Friend Died!

What's The Right
Reaction, Leonard?

You Want Me To Mellow Out Or
Stay Loose and Stay Cool?

He Was a Part
Of Me.

I Loved Him!

I Loved The Way He Loved His
Stinking Cigars

And That Big,
Dumb Car Of His

And The Johnny Carson Show and
The Broads With The Big Tits!

Can You Relate
To That?

He Probably
Loved Angela,

He Maybe Even Loved Marlene.

I'm Sorry!

All I Know Is
That That Poor Dumb Bastard

Thought He Knew
How To Be Happy

Until You Made Him Think
He Didn't Know How To Be Happy!

You Know What He'd Say
If He Was Here Right Now?

He'd Say,
"Take Those ashes...

And Shove ?Em Up Your ass!"

Hey, Harvey!
Give Me Back My Husband!

[All Shouting]

Angela: Sam!

Give Me Back My Husband!

Just Hold Him. I'll Go In The
Car and Get Something.


Hey, Watch It!


Hello, Holroyd.

I Can Explainall This.
Call Me. Call Me, Yes.

Give Me My Husband!

Certainly, Madam.

Oh, God.

Don't Bother Harvey.

He's Been asleep For a Year.

Yeah, More Like 17 Hours.

I Want To Talk To Him.

Just Wait a Moment.
Kate's Gone In To Check On Him.

Think He's all Right?

I Don't Wanna Be Judgmental,
Stokeley, But...

I Never Thought
Harvey Was all Right.

Harvey, How Do You Feel?


Do You
Have a Headache?


I'm Sorry.

I Remember Knocking
Luckman's Helmet Off.

And Then after That...

Leonard Gave You a Shot.

Oh, Good Old Leonard.

Yeah, Well, Somebody Had
To Do Something.

Angela Was Begging
The Police

To Shoot You
In Self-Defense.

I Got Their attention,
Didn't I?

God Damn It, Harvey,

You Really Frightened
A Lot Of People Yesterday.

It's Exactly What
Sam Would Have Done.

See, Sam and I
Understand Each Other.

Or Stood.

I Mean, an Indian Chief,
Come On.

When Was The Last Time
That Sam Hung Out at a Powwow?

It Was Kind Of Dumb.

How's The Patient?

Who Let Him In?

Back Off, Harvey. This Is My
First House Call In Ten Years.

Kate, Did You Give Him
The Medication?

Not Yet.

Actually, He's a Lot Better.

Kate. Harvey.

What We're Talking about Here

Is a Complete
Mental Meltdown.

Now Do You Two Want To
Just Stand around

And Watch Your Lives
Collapse around You,

Or Do You Want To Do Something
Before It's Too Late?

I Vote For Meltdown.

Harvey, I Really Think
He's a Lot Better.

Harvey, We've Got To Get You
Back Into The Real World

As a Functioning Human Being.

I am Putting You
On My Re-Entry Program.

What's That,

Therapy. Three Days a Week.

Forget It.
You Rest. Kate?

In a Minute, Leonard.

The Man Is a Horse's ass.

Maybe, But He's The Only
Horse's ass We've Got.

If You're Worried
About The Money,

I'll Pay For It.

I Got So Sick and Tired
Of That Filthy Commune,

That I Went Out and Got a Job.

You Did?

Doing What?

Selling Real Estate.

Isn't That Gonna Cut Into
Your Consciousness-Raising Time?


Mm-Hm. Mm-Hm.



Come On In.

How You Doing, Harv?

Oh, about Medium.

I Guess I'll Be Seeing You
At Leonard's Laughing academy.

I Thought You Were
Out On Parole.

No, I'm Back. They Caught
Me Slashing axelrod's Tires.

Vivian's Axelrod?

Ow. No, That's Over.
He's Seeing My Mom Now


Martha: Stokeley!

I Just Wanted To See
If You Were Ok.

I'm Fine. Why?

Well, You Know, People Talk.

Mm-Hm. And What Do They Say?

Well, Do You Believe Them,
Do You?

In an Insane Society,

The Sane Man
Must appear Insane.

Where Did You Get That?

Star Trek.

God, I Miss That Show.

I Want To
See My Family.

We are Your Family
Now, Joanie.

No, I Mean My Real Family.

Forget about Them.
You Have Us Now.

Great, But I Want
To See Them.

No, You Don't. Just Stay Here
And Think about It,

And Let Us Know When
You've Changed Your Mind.

But You Don't...
We Love You, Joanie.

We Love You,

We Love You,

We Love You,

We Love You,


We Love You,

It's a Rough Business, Holroyd
And We all Need Escape Valves.

One Guy's Might Be Tennis,
Another Guy's Might Be Women...

And another Guy's Might Be
A Faggot Motorcycle Gang, Huh?

Different Strokes,

I Sat Here Like an asshole,

And Let You Pass
Judgment On My Life

Because I Couldn't
Earn My age.

And Then You Turn around,
Put On a Silly Little Helmet,

Jump On a Harley and Ride Off
With a Bunch Of Pansies.

My Men are Not Pansies.

We Have Terrorized
Entire Communities.

We are Tough Dudes,

I Like This Job
And I'll Take It.

It's Not That Easy.

Oh, You'll Make It
That Easy, Skull.

I Believe In You.

Damn It, Holroyd, I...

Does Your Boss Know about
The Little Leather Leotard?

Well, We Do Deal With
Some Very Large Corporations

And Some Of Our Clients Have
Certain Victorian Prejudices

About What Guys Do
With Their Weekends.

Ooh, That's another Thing.

Here Is What You're Going To Do
This Weekend.

What You Need
Is a Celebration.

Damn It, You're Right.


I'm Sorry, Kate, But I Like What
Martha's Saying.

I Mean, We're Together again.

Why Not Tell
The World?

Great, Harvey. We'll Get
Mother Good Earth

To Do Something Creative, Maybe
Just a Whole Sushi Number.

I Want It.

How about Just a Small
Cocktail Party?

Kate, It'll Be Like
My Pair Bonding.

You'd Love That
He Hated It.

That Was Light-Years ago.

Can We Do It
This Weekend?

Oh, absolutely.

This Weekend?
But Why This Weekend?

Because It all Fits In.

Fits Into What?

You Know.
The Whole Thing.


Are You Sure
You Wanna Go Through With This?

Kate, The Way I Look at It,
I'm Doing Something Today

I Should Have Done
A Long Time a Go.

Well, Would You Hurry Up
And Get Out Of The Shower?

I'm Hurrying!

Listen, I'm Late.

I Gotta Go Pick Up
Your Present.


You Got Me a Present?

Of Course.

Ok, Honey, You Take The Car

And I'll Meet You There.

You Didn't Have To Get Me
A Present, Harvey.

Well, Sure I Did.
This Is a Very Special Day.

You Really Got Me
A Present, Huh?


Well, aren't You Nice?

Let's Go, Luckman!

Skull, Damn It! Skull!
Skul L.

Put That On
And Put Your arms around Me.

Hold It.

Ok, Fall On Your ass.
What Do I Care?

Get Your Motor Running

Head Out
On The Highway

Lookin' For adventure

And Whatever
Comes Our Way

Yeah, I Gotta Go
And Make It Happen

Take The World In
A Love Embrace

Fire all Of The Guns
At Once and

Explode Into Space

And Like a True
Nature's Child

We Were Born,
Born To Be Wild

We Can Climb So High

I Never Want To Die

Born To Be Wild

Born To Be Wild

Spike: Kate, It's So Meaningful For
Me about Harvey's New awareness.

Kate: Oh, I Know.

These Flowers
Symbolize Rebirth.

Kate: Lovely, Spike. There
Seem To Be Two Missing.

Life Is a Mound
Of Space.

Oh, Yes, Yes.
That's Beautiful.

Really Beautiful, Spike.

By The Way,
Does Harvey Have The Check?

Of Course.



Hi. Welcome.

I'm Here
For Joanie Holroyd.

I'm Her Father.

Oh, We Love Joanie.
I Know That.

But Joanie Doesn't Want
To See You again, Ever.

You Know, I'd Like
To Hear That From Her.

We Love You,
Mr. Holroyd,

But That's

Excuse Me.
Could You Hold This

Just For a Second?

You Know, It's Interesting.

These Days almost Nothing
Is Impossible.

[Blows Whistle]

You Say
You Love Me?

You're Gonna Be Wild
About These Guys.

Holy Shit!

Get Joanie!


Joanie's Father's
Here To Kidnap Her!


All: We Love You, Joanie.


Is This Her?




All: We Love You!
We Love You!

Please, Let Me Through!
Just Let Me Through!

All: We Love You!

Operator, Operator,
Get Me The Police!

I Want To Report
A... A...

I Don't Know What To Call It!
It's an Emergency!

You Bet Your ass
It's an Emergency!



Joanie, You're Coming Home.

What Do You Think
I'm Doing This For?

Occupational Therapy?

And When We Get Home

We're Going To
Straighten Out a Few Things

About Who Is The Father,
Who Is The Mother

And Who Is The Kid.

And I Do Not Wanna Hear
About Your Rights

Or Your Decisions Or any Of That
Smart-ass Teenage Crap.

God, Harv,
You're So Gross.

We Love You.

Well, That's Very
Easy To Say, But...

Are You Willing To
Prove It?

I Got Her!

Skull, Skull,
I Got Her!

Come On!

Joanie, Get On!

I Got Her, Skull.

Thank You, Holroyd.

As a Matter Of Fact, It's Been
One Of Our Better Days.

Let's Get The Hell
Out Of Here.

Uh, Just a Moment.
Somebody Missing.

I Think That's
All Of Us.

Carol: Kate,
I've Got To Talk To You.

Leonard Figured It Out.

My attraction To Men
Is Really an aversion.

It's So Simple!

I Mean, Once You Come To Terms
With Being a Woman,

You've Got To Relate
To Other Women.

So I've Come Out Of The Closet.


What? What?
Oh, What Did You Say?

I'm Sorry. What?

I'm Gay!
I Mean, Who Needs Men anymore?

What Do You Need
Harvey For?

No, What Does anybody
Need Harvey For?

Uh, Carol...

You Know,
Gay Or Straight, Um,

You Still Have
That Certain Something.

You're a Cunt.


Work On It.

Kate, We Need Harvey.
Where Is He?

I Know We Need Him. He's Comin
He'll Be Here any Minute.

Born To Be Wild

Martha: Kate,
Peopleare Getting Into

A Really Heavy
Eating Trip.

Well, I Know, But Don't Worry,
He'll Be Here.

He Said He Was Coming.

Man: Hey, Look!
It's Skull!

Oh, My God, It's Harvey!

He's Got Joanie!

He's Got Joanie, My God!

Oh, I Love It!

Fellow Beings...

We are Here To
Celebrate a Wedding.

Not One Imposed By
An Uptight Consumer Society

Which Kills Whales,
Builds Nuclear Reactors,

But a Real Marriage.

Will You Touch
Each Other, Please?



Can You Relate To Making
A Heavy Commitment

To Share Your Space With Kate,

Respecting Her Identity
As a Free Being?




I Promise To Love,
Honor, and Cherish

Kate Lindell Holroyd,

In Sickness
And In Health,

For Richer, For Poorer,

Forsaking all Others,

For as Long
As We Both Shall Live.

You asshole!

Woman: Oh! Uncalled For.
Man: Uncalled For.


Will You Tell Us all
Where You're Coming From?

I Think Harvey Took The Words
Right Out Of My Mouth.

All Of Them?

Including The "asshole."

Harvey: Honeymoon Time. Come On.

Friends... and Neighbors...

It's Been a Slice.


Harvey: We Can't Make It Here.
We Gotta Get away.

Kate: I Know.
You Do?


Well, Then What Do
You Guys Think

About Denver?

What's In Denver
Except a Lot Of Snow?

Well, My New Job
And Our New Place,

And Joanie's New School.

It's Gonna Be Rough at First,

But I Think If We Keep an
Eye On Our Spending

We're Gonna Be all Right.

It Won't Be That Rough.

I Gotta Hand It To You Guys...

You're Weird
But You've Got Balls.

Thank You, Joanie,
But Watch Your Language, Ok?

They Don't Talk
That Way In Denver.

Denver. That's Near Aspen.

Isn't That Where They
Have The Institute

For Humanistic Studies?

I Hope Not.
You Know,

It'd Be Sort Of Good For Us,

Relating To a Community That

Well, You Know, Superficial.

Harvey: Hey...

It's a Changing World

That Greets The Day

It's a Changing World

And It Spins away

And You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

It's a Changing World

And It's Moving Fast

And The Love It Brings

Doesn't Seem To Last

But You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

You Think You
Got It Made

You're Master
Of Your Fate

You're Doing It Right

Then Overnight

Your Life Is
Out Of Date

And So You
Face The Facts

Your Future's
On The Line

You Either Get In
And Run The Race

Or You Get Left Behind

It's a Changing World

And It's Been Fun

It's a Crazy World

But The Only One

So You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall

Yes, You Hold On

Or You Fall Off

You Hold On

Or You Fall