Senior Week (1987) - full transcript
Everett and his party-hungry buddies embark on an all-night road-trip to the Florida beaches, for a week of fun, sun, and beautiful women. Mayhem ensues when 2 jealous girl-friends show up unexpectedly, along with a psycho teacher who's hunting down Everett because he owes her an overdue term-paper.
[upbeat music]
- Is that an apple
in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
You're tardy, Everett.
You have to be taught a lesson.
- I'm hungry, Everett.
All I have is this banana.
Join me in the cafeteria.
Meet me there.
- It's your report
card, Everett.
[laughing]
- Oh no.
Oh no.
- Everett?
Everett?
Get your rump out of bed.
You don't want to be late
for school on the last day.
[bell ringing]
- [Voiceover]
Attention students.
This is Principle
Muckel saying go on,
bon voyage,
salom, sayonara,
but first, remember,
I'll see you all at
graduation ceremonies
one week from tonight
at 8 o'clock sharp.
- Nancy, have a wonderful
summer vacation,
but you watch out
for those boys.
- Thank you Ms. Bagley.
Hi Everett.
- How are you doing?
- Good.
- MacDill,
your timing is perfect.
School's over.
- F minus?
- You are the worst student
I've had in all my
days of teaching.
- Aw, come on.
All those years
and I'm the worst?
- You are a coarse
indolent lecture deviant
insubordinate rebel rouser.
- Well, what do you know?
I guess I am the worst.
- Oh laugh loud,
laugh, oh.
You'll be laughing you're
way back here next year.
- Wait a minute,
are you saying I'm
not gonna graduate?
- Well that's the first
thing you've gotten right
all semester.
You are a complete disgrace.
You have given Nickson
High School a bad name.
I wish I could say there
were some hope for you,
but it's simply too late.
I'm afraid there's nothing left
but to inform your mother.
- I don't have a
mother, Ms. Bagley.
- Oh, Everett I'm sorry,
I didn't know.
- You see, I was right
there until the bitter end.
It was horrible,
but she was brave.
And I can remember the
last thing she said to me.
She leaned forward,
and whispered in my
ear in a raspy voice,
"Remember me, on
your graduation day.
"And son,
"make me proud."
And then she quietly passed on
to a much better existence.
- Well I had no idea.
- Neither did I.
I mean,
surely someone kind
hearted like yourself
could understand.
- I do understand, Everett.
You see, I recently
suffered a loss too.
My pigeon,
Homer.
[sobbing]
- Oh, my mother loved pigeons.
Can't you give me
one tiny break?
- Alright Everett,
I'll give you another
chance.
- Great.
- Don't thank me yet.
You still have to
write a term paper,
a special assignment.
- Hey, no sweat.
- I want no less than 40 pages
let's see the topic
we'll make it,
the decline of moral values
in 20th century western society,
now you might learn
something from that.
- Moral values in 20 societies.
Right.
- I want it on my desk
Monday morning at 9 AM.
- Be there.
- You can't graduate without it.
- Monday at 9.
- And Everett,
you make your
mother proud of you.
- Yeah.
- So my parents are
going to see that play
Chorus Lines in
the city tonight.
So you know what that means.
- Trace, look, why
don't we get together
tomorrow night, I'll take you to
Manny's House of Ribs,
and my friend's working, get
us into the movies for free.
- Really?
- Uh huh.
- Well maybe he can get us
some free popcorn too.
You are such a cheap bastard.
What are you gonna do tonight?
You gonna go pick up some girls
with smart ass MacDill
and lard ass Kevin at Kmart?
- Look, every Friday
night I've hung out
with Kevin and Everett,
and every Saturday night
I've hung out with you.
We've been doing that
for the past year.
- Yeah, that's right,
we've been doing that
for the past year.
But things are going to
be a little different
from now on.
It's about time you accept
some responsibility,
I mean what's gonna
happen when you
start working for your old man?
Now I think it's
about time we got
our shit together.
Don't you?
Because hopefully
we're gonna be seeing
each other every night.
And Senior Week can be a start.
So call me at 7 sharp.
And bring all my stuff with you.
- How you doing?
- Hi.
- Watch it, goof.
Hey Jimmy, how's it going?
- It's Jody.
- Yeah, Joey.
Say what are you doing anyway?
Haven't you heard?
School's over.
- I know,
I was just returning
these books.
[shuffling, birds chirping]
- Hey you didn't actually
read all these books did you?
- Yes as a matter of fact I did.
- Say aren't you the
kid going to Princeton?
- Yeah.
- I bet you got an A on
Baglady's term paper.
- No, A+.
- A+.
Say Joey,
can I give you a lift?
- [Jody] A lift?
[whimsical music]
[grunting, muffled mumbling]
- This is Joey.
He's gonna help me
write my term paper.
Now, I know this is
a little unusual.
- A little unusual?
It's pretty freaking
strange if you ask me.
- I'm gonna free up your mouth,
but one false move,
and you're dead meat.
- [Kevin] Everett are
you out of your mind?
- I must warn you that
according to Federal
and State laws,
the penalties for
kidnapping range from
12 years to life.
And accessories to
such crimes also face
similar convictions.
In a recent case in Maryland,
the United States of
America versus Burnboun,
deliberation of,
[mumbling]
- Isn't this turkey great?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, if the cops come by,
they can stop by for dinner.
- Right.
Everett man, long
as I've known you,
you've never pulled off
anything like this before.
Senior Week.
[upbeat music]
Big deal.
Everett, what are
you looking at?
Everett?
Everett?
Oh Everett?
Earth to Everett,
come in please.
Everett man, where are we going?
- South.
- South.
Alright listen,
there's a McDonald's
about three quarters
of the way up on
the left, alright?
- You're still hungry?
- Excuse me Everett,
this has all been real fun,
could you please
take me home now?
- What's the matter, man?
Don't you wanna go to Florida?
- Florida?
I've gotta go home.
- Hey,
did somebody say Florida?
Now wait a minute,
that's way past McDonald's, man.
- I don't believe it.
- I think he's serious,
man, he's serious.
[beeping]
- Say Everett,
can you pull over?
I gotta make a call.
- What do you think this is,
a limousine service?
We're on the interstate here,
do you see any payphones?
- Everett,
I can't go to Florida.
- Don't worry buddy,
we're gonna take
good care of you
on this little trip.
You see this?
We're gonna find you
10 of these girls.
I need your help, pal.
So I can graduate.
- Well what do you
want me to do?
- Just write this
little term paper
that Baglady stuck me with.
You see, if I don't turn it in,
I don't get my diploma.
Poor mother would
be heartbroken.
She doesn't have much time left.
She's only hanging in there
so she can see me graduate.
- Everett, exactly
what is her problem?
- She's in a coma.
Just when she was taking
a turkey out of the oven,
she passed on.
She's having an
operation right now.
- Are you kidding?
- You're the only one
who can save my ass.
- Holy moly.
- Is it a deal?
- Well,
hey, wait, wait a minute,
if your mother's in a hospital,
how come you're
not there with her?
- What?
And miss Senior Week?
- [Kevin] Yeah.
[car engine humming, soft music]
- [Voiceover] You're
listening to Z69,
serving Northern Florida
in beautiful downtown
Bernadina Beach,
if you've just arrived
in our sunny state,
we'd like to say good morning.
Good morning to you Chris Glen.
Breakfast this morning,
drop by Biff's,
and have breakfast in four
or five different countries.
Cripsin, flaky, French cuisine.
Along with a mouth
watering Hungarian sausage,
and Mexican eggs, your choice.
This international food emporium
and video cassette,
- Where are we?
- I don't know man.
I'm starving, let's go.
- Perhaps we should drive
a little bit farther
to a Howard Johnson's.
- Come on.
[men shouting, commotion]
- Don't you think it looks
a little rough in there?
- Joey, listen,
just be yourself.
Hi, we're from New Jersey.
[gunshots]
[screaming]
- Let's get out of here.
- Go Everett, go!
- Hey, hey, you New Jerseyans!
[shouting, indistinct
chatter, car engine rumbling]
[cans clanking]
- [Everett] We are lucky
to get out of there alive.
[laughing]
- [Kevin] Man, this is the life.
This is Florida.
With the tititas.
The ones you can grab.
[laughs]
The women.
This is the life.
- Dad, it's Jody.
No, Jody, your son, remember?
- Hello, Mrs. Harrowick.
Is Tracy home?
The shower?
- [Joey] I'm in Florida.
Florida.
Well, you see,
it's a field trip
to my Biology club.
Species here I've never even
seen before.
- Okay, I'll tell you what,
I'll give you a call.
No, no, no, she,
she can call me on,
- [Joey] Dad, tell mom not
to worry.
- I gotta go.
- [Joey] Okay?
- I can't hear you,
- I'll be back,
- bad connection,
gotta go,
- I will, I will, okay.
Bye bye.
- So uh, Jeremy, you
having a good time?
- Yeah.
- That's good.
[shuffling]
[car engine rumbling,
doors shutting]
[shouting, tires screeching]
[rock music]
- Holy shit.
Look at that, will you?
You're beautiful.
- [Kevin] What?
They're all blonde.
- I wonder if they're natural.
- [Kevin] Look.
[tires screeching]
[crashing sound]
[clanking]
Good one Mario.
- What did you do my Motel?
What do you do?
You drive right into
wall, you crazy?
- Listen,
we came a long way.
- Oh, you need room?
No problem, I give
you good deal.
- Good, because we're
on a tight budget.
- One room 40 dollar, everybody,
sound okay?
- Well,
- I tell you what.
Make it 10.
[door shuttering, whistling]
[dial tone, beeping]
- Yeah, operator,
can I have area code 201 please?
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
Hello pookie.
- Jamie, where the hell
are you, what happened to you?
Oh Everett, me and Kevin,
we drove to Wildwood
and we slept in the car.
And then we got a flat tire,
can you believe that?
- He's at the beach.
- Oh, Tracy,
Tracy, Tracy.
I will be home soon, I swear.
- No, forget it,
don't even bother,
just stay there.
This is Senior Week, remember?
Have a good time,
have a great time.
I'm sure there will
be plenty of action.
[yelling, glass shattering]
[phone ringing]
- He's not worth getting
upset over, Tracy.
- I never wanna see him again,
as long as I live.
[phone ringing]
- I'll get it.
Hello, Jamie, this is Stacy.
You know I,
operator?
$2.65 for a call from Wildwood?
What?
Florida?
Can I have that number
please, operator?
[keys clicking]
- Will this thing
really type a term
paper?
- Well sure, it's easy.
Watch.
Word processor.
300 pages in memory
concerning modern culture.
This is fun.
You see Bagley's topic
is really quite relevant.
- Whoa.
- [Joey] Just consider the
disappearance of Victorian
ethics in modern society.
- [Everett] You look great.
- This place is a dump.
- I think it's over.
- What happened?
- Stay tuned for
the next episode
of I married a monster
from outer space,
when Jamie tries
to convince Tracy
that Florida really is
a suburb of New Jersey.
- Come on you guys,
we're going to the beach.
- Well wait a minute,
are you gonna bring
some girls back?
- Just you wait man,
you'll be the most
popular guy in Florida.
Just keep writing.
[upbeat music]
- [Kevin] Ah, the wonders
of nature all around us.
- [Jamie] Hey Kev, look,
there's your girlfriend.
- [Kevin] Bite this.
- How's it going?
- Hey.
- Hey check this out.
- Look at that,
oh my gosh.
My heart, I can't look,
I can't take it anymore.
[laughing]
- How's it going?
- Hey, where you from?
- Up north.
- Say, tell me,
where do we find the babes, huh?
- Look around, there's
plenty of babes
around here.
There's plenty action,
just play it cool kid,
play it cool.
- Okay, alright, alright.
- Well,
I think we should go that way.
- I think we should go that way.
- No I like this way.
[laughing]
- How's this guys?
- Hey, hold the fort, guys.
I'll be right back.
- Where's he going?
- I don't know.
I hope he's going
to get some food.
[whistles]
- Hello ma,
what's cooking?
- Where the hell are you?
Florida?
Why you little monkey.
- Yeah, you know,
soak up some sun and surf.
Sure I'll be back by Friday.
That's graduation.
Of course I'll be
going to graduation.
- Okay.
You be sure and bring
me back a souvenir
you hear?
Bye.
- Where'd he go?
[whistling]
- [Jamie] Gee, I
wonder if they deliver.
- Hello?
- Hello, this is Madeline
Bagley from Nixon High School.
I'm calling to
send my condolences
regarding Everett's mother.
- What do you wanna know
about Everett's mother?
- Everett said his
mother was dead.
- No, she isn't deceased.
She's alive and kicking, honey.
- Can I speak to Everett
for just a moment please?
- Oh he's in Florida.
For what do you call it?
Seniors Week?
Oh he'll be back for graduation.
[dramatic music]
- And that's a royal flush.
- What, again?
- Oh man.
[shuffling]
- You sure you're
not a professional?
- I get around.
- So,
where are you girls from?
- We're from Ohio.
- We went to Ball University.
- And what did you
girls study at Ball U?
- I studied to be a
dental technician.
- I'm a nurse.
- Oh yeah?
- You wanna play doctor?
- No I think one game of
strip poker is enough.
- Oh, thanks.
- We're going to
Penrots tonight,
maybe we'll see you there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Look out Florida,
here we come.
Smile, Trace.
- I can't wait to see
the look on his face.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me,
may I have a ticket
to Florida, please?
[upbeat music]
- I can't believe we
actually did this.
- Sometimes you just
do what you gotta do.
- Goddamn son of a bitch.
- [Voiceover] Wrong
way, please exit.
Wrong way, please exit.
- Stop it.
- Look, I don't think
she's showing up.
- Look, she said she'll be here,
she'll be here.
- Well what does she look like?
- I told you I haven't
seen her in 10 years.
- Well are you sure
she said it's alright
for us to stay with her?
- Listen, this is a
matter of life and death.
- I could swear
that was Ms. Bagley.
[car horn honking,
tires screeching]
That's her?
[screaming]
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Stacy, this is my cousin,
Debbie Sue.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
[tires screeching]
- We're here!
[car honking]
[indistinct chatter]
Whoa, what do you
have in there, bricks?
Come on!
Mom you're here.
- Hi Tracy.
- Hi.
How are you?
- And you must be Stacy.
I've heard so much about you.
It's a pleasure.
Come on girls.
[animal growling]
- Is this a live alligator?
- Of course he's alive,
that's Chuckles.
Come on girls.
- Oh my God.
- We're going to have a
scrumptious dinner tonight,
my mom made her famous
Iranian chicken.
[upbeat music]
- Come on guys.
- One here.
[commotion]
- Yeah, alright!
[yelling]
- Yeah!
- Hey.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Kevin] Yeah!
Alright Everett!
- [Jamie] Come on, Everett.
Come on.
[cheering, shouting,
bell ringing]
- Yeah!
[indistinct chatter]
- Let's go this way.
[dramatic music]
- Amen.
- [All] Amen.
- Miss Tracy, you first.
[giggling]
- Thanks.
- You girls want a beer?
There's nothing like
a good cold beer.
- We haven't been up North
since I've been
married to Ernest.
- So we almost forget
what winter's like.
I feel so sorry for you.
- The sludge, the sleet.
- It makes us start to shiver.
- Must be nice living
with the alligators.
[upbeat music]
- Hold on.
- Shit, could you
please slow down?
[tires screeching]
- How you doing?
- Is this a party or what?
- It is now.
- Would you like to dance?
- Sure.
[commotion]
[clapping, cheering]
- You guys do not
want to go in there,
people are obnoxious.
Look, why don't we
go candlepin bowling?
We always go candlepin
bowling on Saturday nights.
- Stacy, I don't
want to be here.
I want to go find Jamie.
- No way Trace, listen.
I am 50% of this trip,
and we are going in here.
- Fine.
[upbeat music, clapping]
[commotion]
[sneezing]
- God will you look
at that pervert.
- Oh my god, that guy
looks just like Kevin.
- That is Kevin.
- Trace.
[growling]
- Look out.
- Look out yourself.
- Will you let me get by?
- Take it easy babe.
- I'm not your baby.
- Relax.
You're pretty hot.
Hey you from around here?
- No.
- No, we're just
visiting from up North.
So shall we get some air?
- Listen, relax,
relax.
Hey what's your name?
- Tracy.
- Tracy, now that's
a beautiful name.
Tracy how about if I
give you a call sometime.
- No, I don't think so,
see we're only here
for a couple of days,
- Great, great, great.
Well listen, I'd like to
get together sometime.
I'd love for you
to give me a call.
I'd love to show you around.
Your friends, too.
[commotion, upbeat music]
- That was some catch, buddy.
Who is she?
- Some chick from up north.
- So what's the deal?
- We'll see.
We'll see.
- Well, I'm sorry you didn't
like my eggs Floridian, but,
how would you like some pickles
or peanut butter or,
fruits?
[snoring]
[triumphant music]
- Welcome to the
Miss Florida contest.
We're featuring the
most beautiful girls
from this lovely state of ours.
I'm your host Mark Bartz,
and our judge today,
Everett McDill.
And now on to our first
contestant from Miami Beach,
Everett, take a look at this.
- Hi my name is Bonnie,
and I'm 5'2".
I like to swim and water skate,
and read Harold Robin's
novels on the beach.
- Thank you, thank you my dear,
thank you very much.
And now on to our
second contestant
from Tampa, Everett,
check this out.
- Hi, I'm Pamela,
and I'm from Tampa.
I like a warm fire on
the beach at night,
sound of pounding surf,
very sensuous.
Maybe we could
put a blanket down
and start a fire of our own.
- Next please,
okay baby thank you,
thank you sweetie.
Thanks.
And now Everett,
contestant number three,
she hails from Daytona Beach,
here she is.
- My name's Roxanne.
I'm a lifeguard.
Maybe you could
help me practice my
lifesaving techniques.
I give great mouth to
mouth resuscitation.
Want me to demonstrate?
- Thanks baby, thank
you sweetheart,
thank you very much.
And now Everett, here's a
face I know you're gonna
recognize, she's
from New Jersey.
She's into English,
she's into Kurney Vant,
she's into birdwatching,
she stands 5'4",
and her nickname is the Baglady.
- Working hard, Everett?
Getting a lot done, Everett?
Everett, Everett, Everett,
work hard,
working hard?
- I guess I better
go feed Chuckles.
- Come on Tracy, cheer up.
- I can't believe
this is happening.
[alligator growling]
- See you later.
- Who needs her, too?
[upbeat music]
- Wow, Princeton at last.
[knocking]
- Come in.
- You're a college man now.
It's about time,
don't you think?
- Could I,
get you girls some,
charatures or something?
- We want you, big man.
[calm music]
- Wine, your highness?
- Only the largest of your
mugs, oh Digitera.
[chuckling]
- Fruit, oh great big one?
- Only the ripest
from your vine,
oh Flatesia.
- May I make you more
comfortable, my lord?
- My, but your pillows
are fair, my dear.
[chuckling]
- Is there anything
else you desire,
king of kings?
- How about some
raw, unadultery,
totally raunchy fornication?
- Your wish is my command, sire.
- Oh boy,
finally a pickup
line that works.
- [All] Anything you
want, your highness.
Anything you want.
Anything you want,
your highness.
Anything you want.
Anything you want,
your highness.
- Baby.
Anything you want.
- Did you girls want
a cup of coffee?
There's nothing like
a good cup of coffee.
[sighing]
[snoring]
[upbeat music]
[whipping sounds]
- What are you doing?
This wasn't part of the plan.
What are you?
Get back here!
Get back here!
[shouting]
Did you see how much
fun he was having
with that girl last night?
- Trace, I think this is a sign.
I mean, I think it means
it's time to move on
and find a new boyfriend.
Hey, let's do something, okay?
We'll get dressed, we'll go out,
and we'll check out
the sights, okay?
That's what we're here for.
- Okay.
[beach music]
[shouting, indistinct
chatter, cans clanking]
- Lifeguard,
lifeguard excuse me.
I'm looking for three young men.
- Well what do these
studs look like?
- Well they're from out of town,
they're from up north.
- Oh those guys,
they said they were
looking for action.
- Have you seen them lately?
- Not today, babe.
- Will you be on the
lookout, will you?
- Sure thing sweetheart.
Say, is one of those
guys your boyfriend?
- Absolutely not.
- Good,
because you're kind of cute.
- What?
- What do you say
we meet up later?
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, do you
have hoagies here?
- Hey Arty, we got any hoagies?
- [Man] Who wants to know?
- A couple of guys
out here want hoagies.
- [Man] What kind?
- What kind?
- I don't know,
what kind you got?
- He says what kind you got?
- [Man] Tell them to
read the fucking sign.
- Oh.
I'd like a
a pizza hoagie
with extra cheese,
hot peppers, kielbasa,
gurkins, sauerkraut,
sardines?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sardines.
- Pizza hoagie, extra
cheese, hot peppers,
- Uh, no hot peppers.
- 86 the peppers,
gurkins, kielbasa, sauerkraut,
and sardines.
- And extra oil.
- Grease it.
Anything else?
- No.
Oh, provolone instead
of mozzarella.
- Provolone, 86 the mozzarella.
- And leave out the
kielbasa and get us
some pepperoni instead.
- Pepperoni, 86 the kielbasa.
- No extra oil.
- Squeeze it.
- Oh never mind it.
- Leave the oil.
- Are these domestic
sardines or imported?
- I don't know bud,
I didn't check their passports.
Anything else?
Hurry up, I got people waiting.
- You'll have to
excuse me ma'am,
I'm a little nervous
about my graduation.
- Anything else?
- Do you think that there's
life after death?
- What?
- That'll be $8.50.
- You got your dough?
- No, man, this was on you.
- It is?
- Read my lips,
$8.50 I said.
- I'll tell you what.
I'll take this home and eat it,
and then I'll go
get my wallet, okay?
- You can't pay for that?
- Well,
- It's guys like you
that caused me to have
a heart condition, you scumbag!
- Take that!
[yelling]
- I think we should ask
before we took the car,
don't you Trace?
How are you gonna find him?
- Got the street
address on the payphone.
- You're crazy.
[growling, grunting]
- Hey, check this one out.
- Who?
- [Everett] Looks like the
girl from the magazine.
- Oh my god, Everett.
It is the girl
from the magazine!
She's fantastic.
- Hey, hey,
want a bite of my hoagie?
How about some salami?
Maybe a beer later tonight?
[shouting]
- [Kevin] Oh man.
- [Everett] She's incredible.
- This is it, Trace.
[car door slamming]
- This is the one all right.
- I'd rather have
2 girls at 16.
Than one at 32.
Oh shit.
- So,
having a good time in Wildwood?
What happened, did you
take the wrong turn?
- Trace, I,
- Yeah, yeah, come
on, let's hear it.
- I was with Everett,
we were drinking some beers,
and we ended up here.
- I don't wanna hear
your bullshit.
- Tracy, I had nothing
to do with it, Everett
just kept on driving.
- Right.
And I suppose that
Everett forced you
to dance with that
girl last night.
See, I was there.
I saw it all.
- How can you say that?
We were just dancing.
Look, why don't we
just have a good time?
Now that you're here,
pookie.
Can we just have a good time?
I mean, it's Senior Week.
I'm sorry.
- That's not a bad idea, Trace.
- Hi there, care to go jogging?
- You scum sucking pig.
I hate you!
- Hi, I wouldn't
mind going for a run.
[upbeat music]
- My life has definitely
reached rock bottom.
Hey look at me.
I haven't even graduated
from high school.
And I already feel ancient.
Why can't I just
meet a normal guy?
You know, that's all I want.
Is that a lot to ask?
- Tracy,
just remember that
Jamie is not the last
guy on Earth, you know that?
- Hi, is Lance there?
He's in the jacuzzi?
This is Tracy.
Tracy Hartwick.
- Good boy.
- Does he catch frogs?
- Well, he tried,
- Hi,
- Yeah,
- and that's the important
thing.
- How are you doing?
I'm fine thanks, you know,
I'm really sorry about that,
- Mom is making
lasagna.
- wasn't quite my day
yesterday.
- We are going out tonight.
- Yeah me too.
[dog barking]
- What?
- Sure,
- Chuckles, no!
- Is everything okay?
[alligator growling]
- No, bad, bad!
[screaming]
[rap music]
- What'll it be, sweetheart?
- I'd like something cold
to drink, if you please.
- You got a preference?
- Just something cold,
thank you.
[exhaling]
- I'm looking for somebody,
I was wondering if you
might be able to help me.
- What does he look like?
- He's rude,
he's obnoxious,
and he's not going to graduate.
[laughing]
- That guy?
You're related to him?
- Why, have you seen him?
- Seen him?
You wanna know
what he did to me?
Come here, I'll show you.
[screaming]
[typing sounds]
- [Kevin] I can't believe
it's the same girl.
- [Everett] Honey I
love you, too much.
Too much.
- Damnit.
Where were you guys?
I can't take it anymore.
Look, you said you'd
bring me back a girl.
And you told me that
yesterday before you
went to the beach,
you told me that last
night before you went out,
and you told me
that again today.
What about our deal, huh?
Hey look, you
brought me down here.
And all I do is
sit at that table
and write your term paper.
Because I feel so sorry for
you and your sick mother.
Plus I had to sit through
Jamie's soap opera all day.
[heavy breathing]
That's it, I've had enough.
- Hey, cool out, Joey.
- It is not Joey.
It is Jody.
- She's here, dude.
- What?
- Tracy's in Florida, man.
- Well it sure is a
good thing you called.
[beeping]
[commotion]
- Pod fish.
[crashing sound]
- Oh, oops.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
[crashing sound]
- That's rotten, God.
- Come here often?
No I'm from up north.
- Oh, what a coincidence,
my cousin and her
friend are visiting
from up north, too.
Karma, huh?
- Yeah.
Uh, do you work in a hospital?
- No,
my dog had a little accident.
What'd you get?
- Well you see,
I'm trying to find
some health food.
I've been eating junk
for the last two days.
- Why's that?
- Because I was kidnapped,
that's why.
- Oh.
[sneezing]
- Gesundheit.
- Thank you.
- Do you have hay fever?
- Do I ever.
- Gee, I had hay fever once too,
but then I got shots.
- Dr. Fitzelberger, you know,
the world famous allergist?
- I hear he's wonderful.
- Oh, yes,
it was horrible, I
couldn't even see,
[crashing sound]
Well, I,
guess I better get back
to that damn paper.
- Well take some time out,
you look out awfully tense.
I know a great way to relax.
I read in Tiger Beat magazine
that David Lee Roth
uses whipped cream.
- What?
- It's great for those tense
aching muscles.
- Whipped cream?
- You rub it in,
it's all natural.
- [Kevin] I don't know,
maybe he hitchiked
his way back to New Jersey.
- Joey?
- Where could he be?
Look at this.
- Joey baby.
- Hi Everett.
Meet Debbie Sue.
[laughing]
- So your girls' names
really Stacy and Tracy?
You've gotta be making that up.
- No, we're not,
everybody always kids us
about it.
- So what would you
guys like to drink?
- I'll just have
some OJ, please.
- Could I have a glass
of chablis, please?
- I think we can arrange that.
The regular, LX?
- LX?
- My middle name is Xavier.
- Oh wow.
- Music?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- That's a $6000 system.
[upbeat music]
- I can't believe it man, Jody.
- Hey what brand do
you think he used?
- I think it was Reddiwhip.
- Hey check out
that dude's car man,
he looks really rich.
And check out the babe.
Wait, that's Tracy!
Holy shit, stop the car!
[tires screeching]
- Oh my God.
- Take your hands
off my girlfriend.
- Tracy, do you know this
person?
- Jamie, what are you
doing here?
Why don't you just
leave us alone?
- I said take your
hands off my girlfriend.
Or I'm gonna rip off your head
and shit down your neck.
- Calm down, killer.
Remember what your
parole officer said.
- This guy giving
you a hard time, man?
- Stay out of this, ass face.
- I think they're all drunk.
- Nah, nah, nah.
I'm perfectly sober,
and I know what I see.
[shouting]
- Will you just grow up?
You blew it buddy!
So why don't you
just go back to your
little robocize queen?
- Tracy.
- No, save it.
It's over, asshole.
[car engine rumbling,
tires screeching]
- Sorry about it.
- So am I.
- Look, why don't we
just go back to my place,
have a drink and forget
about the whole thing?
- Sounds great.
- So that's when dad sold
the house out in Malibu
and we moved here.
We were living right
next to Linda Ronston.
- Really?
I love Linda Ronston.
- Why don't we go make
ourselves more comfortable?
It's a wonderful night,
in spite of the commotion.
- I'm really sorry about that.
- Don't worry about it.
You know,
you're very pretty.
In fact, I think you're
one of the nicest girls
I've ever met.
I wanna make out with you baby.
- What?
- There's something in me,
I just can't control it.
- Stop, stop it.
- Don't fight it,
just let it happen.
- Stop.
- Tracy, I am so sorry.
I'm out of line.
Please forgive me.
- Don't you think
you're rushing things
a little bit?
- I'm sorry.
Truly, I am.
Please, let me
make it up to you.
We can all get together
on my yacht tomorrow.
Jake and I will
pick you up, say,
10:30?
- Okay.
Can you take us home now?
- Yes.
[knocking]
- Hi Debbie Sue.
- Hi there, cellar boy.
- Hi.
- Ow, stop.
Something happened
between the two of you,
I know it.
- Nothing happened.
He was a complete gentleman.
- How old is he?
- I don't know,
he's a lot more
mature than Jamie.
- Older men are great,
they pay for everything.
[giggling]
- Yeah.
I can't remember the
last time Jamie treated.
- Excuse me girls, have
you seen Deborah Sue?
I just can't imagine
what happened to her.
[clicking sound]
- So how long do you wanna wait?
- I don't know, he
said he'd be here.
- I think we should just go
to the beach and leave a note.
- Okay.
[snoring]
- You're very pretty.
In fact, you're one of the
nicest girls I've ever met.
- Hold it.
- I can't imagine what
could have happened to him.
You think he would
at least call.
- Come on.
- They're cute.
- The worst meatloaf
I have ever tasted
in my entire life.
- Anybody wanna get a hoagie?
- You know, you
move something in me
that I just can't control.
[screaming]
- Come on, let's check it out.
[screaming]
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
Here I go I'm right behind you.
[shouting]
- Stay away from me!
This pig's trying to rape me.
- Me, trying to rape you?
Well that's utterly ridiculous.
Well you must know it
was I who was solicited.
- You sure get
around, don't you?
- What's it to you, maggot?
- Can you believe this
guy tried to rape me?
- I think you ought to
apologize to this chick
before I rip your lips off.
Then you can apologize to me
for calling me a maggot.
- Okay, she's not a whore.
But you're still a maggot.
- Drown, dipshit.
[cheering]
- Hello, Everett.
- Miss Bagley.
How did you get here?
- I flew, that's how.
Your term paper was due
at 9AM this morning.
- And it's almost done.
Honest.
How did you know I was here?
- Nevermind it.
I called your
mother, she's alive.
- Mom's alive?
Oh shit.
Mom's alive.
Mom's alive!
- Everett, Everett,
you come back here.
- My mom's alive!
- Everett!
Come back here!
Give me that term paper now!
[laughing]
- I don't give a shit,
just get your ass over here.
This guy is gonna
get what he deserves.
- Did you miss me pookie?
- Of course I did, you big jerk.
- Alright, you love birds,
come on kiss and
make up will ya?
Please?
Oh, come on.
- So are you having a good trip?
- Fabulous.
[upbeat music]
- Hello Joey.
I need the term
paper right away man,
is it finished?
Good, meet me in 10
minutes at the arcade.
You don't know me, but I'm
madly in love with you.
Come with me.
I know how to make you happy.
- So many have tried,
but so few have been successful.
- Well, could I have
a shot at least?
- Many have yearned for me,
but weren't man enough to endure
my unbridled lust.
- Really?
- My untamed passion.
They had to beg for mercy.
Beg to be released from
the unquenchable fire
that rages in my loins.
- Let me, honey,
I can take it.
I can get you references
and everything.
- Well meet me tonight then,
at Pinrod's.
Will you be there?
- Yeah.
Sure.
Say, how hot are those loins?
- Be there and find out.
[tires screeching]
- Come here big boy
and give me a kiss.
- No, Debbie Sue, I can't,
I gotta go meet Everett.
- Oh let him wait,
I'm sorry that I
risked the term paper.
- I can't, it took
20 minutes for this
to print out in the first place.
- I'm going home and
I'm gonna change.
If my mom doesn't kill me,
I'll see you later.
- Okay.
Meet me on the beach.
- Alright.
You were wonderful last night.
[car engine rumbling]
- Whoa, excuse me.
Look I finished the paper.
- Great,
come on let's go.
This is great.
I gotta get this to
Baglady right away.
I think she's gonna like it.
- We meet again.
- So what's this?
- It's a term paper.
Everett's gotta turn
it in right away.
- Turn it into
the trash that is.
Got an F, what a pisser.
- Hold it.
Hold it, let's have
a look at this.
The decline of moral values
in 20th century western society.
Final assignment,
by Everett MacDill.
[laughing]
Hey check this out.
- Okay, be careful with that.
I may wanna submit
it to Rolling Stone
after all.
- Oh is that right?
Well,
I got something else
you can submit to.
Jake?
- [Jody] Everett!
You okay?
Everett.
Everett, you okay?
- Yeah, sure.
- They got the paper.
- You made a copy I hope.
- I've got to tell you,
it accidentally got
erased from the memory.
- You didn't memorize it?
- What do you mean?
It's 46 pages long.
- Come on.
[upbeat music]
- Hey you guys.
- Hey,
hey!
Everett, what
happened to you man?
- This big guy punched him out.
- Nevermind now, that Lance
guy stole my term paper,
we gotta get it back from him.
- Let's get the turd!
- Hey, there he is!
- Get him!
[shouting, indistinct chatter]
[shouting]
- I must find him,
I have to find him,
you must tell me where he is,
you must tell me right now!
- Look lady, I
don't have no idea
who you're talking about.
[engines rumbling]
- Hey, wait, no!
Hey, somebody help!
Hey, stop!
- Get back here you
lying son of a bitch!
- Come on!
You're gonna be sorry.
Get back here.
- Hot stuff.
- You're going too fast.
- Calm down.
- We're going too fast.
- I said calm down already.
- Come on!
[police sirens blaring]
- And what we found
is that the action
of the recreational
vehicles on the beach
tend to accelerate
the erosion process.
It's a process that is
continuously in motion,
- Jim let's go!
[engine rumbling, upbeat music]
- In pursuit.
- [Voiceover] What's up 55?
- Pack of dune buggies.
- [Voiceover] Please repeat.
- Dune buggies on the loose.
[tires screeching]
- Look out!
[crashing sound]
[car doors slamming]
- Alright get your hands up.
- It was accidental, honest.
- Accidental?
You keep driving that way
and you'll have a real accident.
- Wait a minute.
Could you please explain it?
- It wasn't my fault,
I was just trying to
get my term paper back.
- No, no, wait, wait please!
Put it down, put it down.
- Now wait a minute officer,
let him get his story out.
Jim, will you get this please?
- Well, it all started
when my crabby teacher
gave me this assignment.
Then I stayed up all
night to get it done
on my vacation too.
We're on a trip from up north.
- Is that so?
Go on.
- Well, then some bad guys
stole my paper and
took off with it.
- Is that it?
- You know, this really
is a wonderful state.
The hot sun and the girls,
what more could a man ask for?
- Well, thank you, very
nice of you to say,
and I'm glad you had
a chance to stay here.
Cut, please.
- Incredible story,
just incredible.
- Hey Everett, I found it!
- Wait, here it is!
- I found it, I found it.
[cheering]
- One moment.
Let me see that.
- [Officer] Who are you lady?
- Madeline Bagley,
I'm the one that gave
this young delinquent
this assignment and I
have tracked him here
to get it.
- This is splendid.
A young man, an eager student,
determined to finish
his final assignment.
Retrieves it from the garbage,
and here stands his teacher,
at the culmination of
his valiant struggle.
Oh Jim, please,
let's get a shot of this.
Ms. Bagley, excuse me,
excuse me?
Could you stand right here,
with the garbage truck
in the background,
and what's your name?
- Everett MacDill.
- Everett, great,
why don't you come
right over here,
great, now what I'd
like you to do is,
hold up the assignment,
right like that,
so we can get a good shot of it.
Okay, what's the topic?
- It's about morality,
and you know,
how things are really
going downhill.
- Timely, that's terrific.
Now if you could
just hold it up,
and then sort of hand it
to Ms. Bagley symbolically.
And this was the scene today
near the boardwalk area.
One of those truly human stories
which has special meaning
for us at this time
of so many graduations
in the area.
Honor student Everett MacDill,
- [Kevin] It's the Baglady!
- [Reporter] out of
a northern school,
after miraculously halting
a runaway garbage truck
which contained his
final term assignment.
Seen here, about
to hand the paper
to his waiting teacher
Ms. Madeline Bagley,
near tears with joy.
- Gee, Betsy, that's
quite a story.
And I'll bet she gives
him an A+ on that one.
- I would certainly hope so.
He wouldn't have
graduated without it.
[cheering]
- Yeah!
[commotion]
Whoa.
- Many have yearned for me.
- Well hot dog baby.
[indistinct chatter]
- Beg to be released from
the unquenchable fire.
- I can take it.
Hey listen up
everybody, listen up.
I'd like to propose a toast,
to Jody.
I couldn't have done
it without you, man.
- Thanks.
- Hey everybody, stop,
look at the TV.
- And once again topping
the news tonight,
honor student Everett MacDill
went above and beyond the call
of normal duty today,
when he jumped into
a garbage truck
to save his final term
paper from destruction.
Hats off to this model,
- [Everett] Hey,
turn it back on,
they're not finished yet.
- But you are.
- Ms. Bagley.
- You may be able
to fool the media,
but you can't fool me.
You didn't write
this assignment.
There are words in here
you've never even heard of.
I don't know who wrote
this for you, Mr. MacDill,
but there is no way
I'm going to pass you.
You may have gotten
an A+ on television,
but in real life
you're getting an F.
Do you know means, Everett?
No graduation, period.
- That was sensational.
What a woman.
[laughing]
[birds chirping]
- Hey, what's another
word for ethical?
- Republican.
- What are you writing, anyways?
- The term paper.
- Relax, will you?
Leave it up to me.
- Alright everyone,
we'll get started as soon
as Ms. Bagley arrives.
[upbeat music]
[laughing]
- You can fool
some of the people
some of the time,
but you can never fool
Madeline Bagley!
[laughing]
- My mother's gonna kill me.
- How is she doing anyways?
- Oh, much better, thanks.
- Oh good.
[laughing]
- Oh, Homer, I wish you could
be with me to celebrate.
[laughing]
[gasping]
- I followed you all
the way from Florida.
And I'll follow you
until the ends of the Earth.
My belladonna.
Oh my God.
Oh my God,
oh my God.
- I can't understand
where she is.
- Principal Muckle, if I may,
while we're waiting?
I'd just like to say
that I've known Everett
for 11 years.
- Alright,
there will be plenty
of time for that,
once the hearing begins.
- Yeah, and thanks to Everett,
I got to see Florida.
- Oh you beautiful thing, you.
You're hotter than I ever
thought you could be.
I'm gonna make you
proud to be a woman.
Baby, here I come.
- Principal Muckle,
may I remind you
that rule 168, sub paragraph
6 of the student code
stipulates a student hearing
should commence in 10 minutes,
and it pointed out ensuring
fair and prompt consideration.
- Alright, we,
can't delay this any longer.
We'll start.
We'll hear from Ms. Bagley once
she decides to get here.
You may proceed with
your opening part.
- If it pleases the court,
I intend to prove
that my client,
Everett MacDill,
was simply a victim of
extenuating circumstances.
Why he nobly attempted
to fulfill his academic
obligations to this school.
And, that Florida provided
the ideal laboratory
for the examination
of his assigned topic.
For my first character witness,
I'd like to call Jamie Murphy.
- Lovey dovey.
- This has been the
most enlightening week
of my life.
I feel like I've been cultured.
I learned a great
deal about substance.
Thanks to my buddy,
Everett MacDill.
- So Everett spent
the whole entire trip
working on that term paper,
and we were all out
having a good time.
- Everett deserves
a lot of credit.
I mean he was a local hero.
He was on TV news
all over Florida.
Oh, and we even got on camera.
- Homer, let me kiss your beak
and nuzzle your feathers.
- Oh, now this is getting kinky.
I love it.
I love it.
- The term paper was stolen,
and we had to get
it back at any cost.
His graduation, his entire
future was at stake.
- Then this really crazy lady
came running out screaming,
her hair standing on end.
She said she was
Everett's teacher.
You know, she was so weird,
I thought she was
gonna have a seizure
right then and there, I did.
- Thanks honey, I
think that's enough.
[laughing]
- The hearing, the hearing,
I've gotta get to the hearing.
Get out of my way!
[whimsical music]
[imitating bird noises]
- Everett MacDill
was not on vacation.
He was on a field trip,
gathering research for Ms.
Bagley's final term paper.
You've heard the testimony,
it speaks for itself.
Everett MacDill may not
be an honor student.
But he has fulfilled
his academic obligation
to this institution with honor.
I move that the
case be dismissed.
[applause, cheering]
[tapping]
- Settle down everyone.
This hearing is not over,
until we've heard
from Ms. Bagley.
- Where is Baglady anyway?
[crashing sound]
- Everett MacDill is guilty!
- Madeline?
What the hell is going on here?
- He can't graduate,
he won't graduate!
He's rotten to the core.
- This is absolute absurdity.
I don't know what
you have against
that fine young man.
But as far as I'm concerned,
this case is dismissed.
[applause]
[upbeat music]
[commotion, indistinct chatter]
- So, did you get
to see Disney World?
- No, but I did meet
the girl of my dreams.
- We all have to
follow our dreams.
So, what are you planning to do
after graduation?
- Well, I think I'm gonna go
back down to Florida.
I have a little
unfinished business there.
[cheering, applause]
- You're gonna
really like Florida.
I got a big palm tree
in my front yard.
♪ I got a yoko-maka
huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪
♪ The yoko-maka huba
bakwa sure is grand ♪
♪ Makes your eyes look red
♪ And your tongue turn green
♪ The strongest mess
that you ever seen ♪
♪ The Mojo hand used
to be real strong ♪
♪ It kept you straight
when you did me wrong ♪
♪ As time went by
♪ You just got so mean
♪ But the yoko-maka huba
bakwa is the thing ♪
♪ I got a yoko-maka
huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪
♪ The yoko-maka huba
bakwa sure is grand ♪
♪ Makes your eyes look red
♪ And your tongue turn green
♪ The yoko-maka huba
bakwa makes you scream ♪
♪ Mojo hand used
to be real strong ♪
♪ It kept you straight
when you did me wrong ♪
♪ As time went by you
just got so mean ♪
♪ But the yoko-maka huba
bakwa is the thing ♪
♪ I got a yoko-maka
huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪
♪ The yoko-maka huba
bakwa sure is grand ♪
♪ Makes your eyes look red
♪ And your tongue turn green
♪ The strongest mess
that you ever seen ♪
♪ Yoko-maka, huba
bakwa ju ju hand ♪
♪ Your picture
♪ Makes me love you so long
♪ Makes me drill to your dawn
♪ Your picture I love so much
♪ Your eyes
♪ Just as clear as the sky
♪ Now I seem to realize
♪ That it's you I adore
♪ You're better
♪ Your eyes
♪ These all
♪ Are my dreams
♪ Your picture
♪ On the wall
♪ The greatest of them all
♪ Your picture
♪ Makes me suddenly weak
♪ Makes me cry in my sleep
♪ Now I pray on my knees
♪ That you'll come back to me
♪ Your picture
♪ Your picture
♪ Your picture
♪ You're better
♪ Your eyes
♪ These are
♪ My dreams
♪ Your picture
♪ On the wall
♪ The greatest of them all
♪ Your picture
♪ Makes me suddenly weak
♪ Makes me cry in my sleep
♪ Now I pray on my knees
♪ That you come back to me
♪ That you come back to me
- [Voiceover] Baby, here I come.
- Is that an apple
in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
You're tardy, Everett.
You have to be taught a lesson.
- I'm hungry, Everett.
All I have is this banana.
Join me in the cafeteria.
Meet me there.
- It's your report
card, Everett.
[laughing]
- Oh no.
Oh no.
- Everett?
Everett?
Get your rump out of bed.
You don't want to be late
for school on the last day.
[bell ringing]
- [Voiceover]
Attention students.
This is Principle
Muckel saying go on,
bon voyage,
salom, sayonara,
but first, remember,
I'll see you all at
graduation ceremonies
one week from tonight
at 8 o'clock sharp.
- Nancy, have a wonderful
summer vacation,
but you watch out
for those boys.
- Thank you Ms. Bagley.
Hi Everett.
- How are you doing?
- Good.
- MacDill,
your timing is perfect.
School's over.
- F minus?
- You are the worst student
I've had in all my
days of teaching.
- Aw, come on.
All those years
and I'm the worst?
- You are a coarse
indolent lecture deviant
insubordinate rebel rouser.
- Well, what do you know?
I guess I am the worst.
- Oh laugh loud,
laugh, oh.
You'll be laughing you're
way back here next year.
- Wait a minute,
are you saying I'm
not gonna graduate?
- Well that's the first
thing you've gotten right
all semester.
You are a complete disgrace.
You have given Nickson
High School a bad name.
I wish I could say there
were some hope for you,
but it's simply too late.
I'm afraid there's nothing left
but to inform your mother.
- I don't have a
mother, Ms. Bagley.
- Oh, Everett I'm sorry,
I didn't know.
- You see, I was right
there until the bitter end.
It was horrible,
but she was brave.
And I can remember the
last thing she said to me.
She leaned forward,
and whispered in my
ear in a raspy voice,
"Remember me, on
your graduation day.
"And son,
"make me proud."
And then she quietly passed on
to a much better existence.
- Well I had no idea.
- Neither did I.
I mean,
surely someone kind
hearted like yourself
could understand.
- I do understand, Everett.
You see, I recently
suffered a loss too.
My pigeon,
Homer.
[sobbing]
- Oh, my mother loved pigeons.
Can't you give me
one tiny break?
- Alright Everett,
I'll give you another
chance.
- Great.
- Don't thank me yet.
You still have to
write a term paper,
a special assignment.
- Hey, no sweat.
- I want no less than 40 pages
let's see the topic
we'll make it,
the decline of moral values
in 20th century western society,
now you might learn
something from that.
- Moral values in 20 societies.
Right.
- I want it on my desk
Monday morning at 9 AM.
- Be there.
- You can't graduate without it.
- Monday at 9.
- And Everett,
you make your
mother proud of you.
- Yeah.
- So my parents are
going to see that play
Chorus Lines in
the city tonight.
So you know what that means.
- Trace, look, why
don't we get together
tomorrow night, I'll take you to
Manny's House of Ribs,
and my friend's working, get
us into the movies for free.
- Really?
- Uh huh.
- Well maybe he can get us
some free popcorn too.
You are such a cheap bastard.
What are you gonna do tonight?
You gonna go pick up some girls
with smart ass MacDill
and lard ass Kevin at Kmart?
- Look, every Friday
night I've hung out
with Kevin and Everett,
and every Saturday night
I've hung out with you.
We've been doing that
for the past year.
- Yeah, that's right,
we've been doing that
for the past year.
But things are going to
be a little different
from now on.
It's about time you accept
some responsibility,
I mean what's gonna
happen when you
start working for your old man?
Now I think it's
about time we got
our shit together.
Don't you?
Because hopefully
we're gonna be seeing
each other every night.
And Senior Week can be a start.
So call me at 7 sharp.
And bring all my stuff with you.
- How you doing?
- Hi.
- Watch it, goof.
Hey Jimmy, how's it going?
- It's Jody.
- Yeah, Joey.
Say what are you doing anyway?
Haven't you heard?
School's over.
- I know,
I was just returning
these books.
[shuffling, birds chirping]
- Hey you didn't actually
read all these books did you?
- Yes as a matter of fact I did.
- Say aren't you the
kid going to Princeton?
- Yeah.
- I bet you got an A on
Baglady's term paper.
- No, A+.
- A+.
Say Joey,
can I give you a lift?
- [Jody] A lift?
[whimsical music]
[grunting, muffled mumbling]
- This is Joey.
He's gonna help me
write my term paper.
Now, I know this is
a little unusual.
- A little unusual?
It's pretty freaking
strange if you ask me.
- I'm gonna free up your mouth,
but one false move,
and you're dead meat.
- [Kevin] Everett are
you out of your mind?
- I must warn you that
according to Federal
and State laws,
the penalties for
kidnapping range from
12 years to life.
And accessories to
such crimes also face
similar convictions.
In a recent case in Maryland,
the United States of
America versus Burnboun,
deliberation of,
[mumbling]
- Isn't this turkey great?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, if the cops come by,
they can stop by for dinner.
- Right.
Everett man, long
as I've known you,
you've never pulled off
anything like this before.
Senior Week.
[upbeat music]
Big deal.
Everett, what are
you looking at?
Everett?
Everett?
Oh Everett?
Earth to Everett,
come in please.
Everett man, where are we going?
- South.
- South.
Alright listen,
there's a McDonald's
about three quarters
of the way up on
the left, alright?
- You're still hungry?
- Excuse me Everett,
this has all been real fun,
could you please
take me home now?
- What's the matter, man?
Don't you wanna go to Florida?
- Florida?
I've gotta go home.
- Hey,
did somebody say Florida?
Now wait a minute,
that's way past McDonald's, man.
- I don't believe it.
- I think he's serious,
man, he's serious.
[beeping]
- Say Everett,
can you pull over?
I gotta make a call.
- What do you think this is,
a limousine service?
We're on the interstate here,
do you see any payphones?
- Everett,
I can't go to Florida.
- Don't worry buddy,
we're gonna take
good care of you
on this little trip.
You see this?
We're gonna find you
10 of these girls.
I need your help, pal.
So I can graduate.
- Well what do you
want me to do?
- Just write this
little term paper
that Baglady stuck me with.
You see, if I don't turn it in,
I don't get my diploma.
Poor mother would
be heartbroken.
She doesn't have much time left.
She's only hanging in there
so she can see me graduate.
- Everett, exactly
what is her problem?
- She's in a coma.
Just when she was taking
a turkey out of the oven,
she passed on.
She's having an
operation right now.
- Are you kidding?
- You're the only one
who can save my ass.
- Holy moly.
- Is it a deal?
- Well,
hey, wait, wait a minute,
if your mother's in a hospital,
how come you're
not there with her?
- What?
And miss Senior Week?
- [Kevin] Yeah.
[car engine humming, soft music]
- [Voiceover] You're
listening to Z69,
serving Northern Florida
in beautiful downtown
Bernadina Beach,
if you've just arrived
in our sunny state,
we'd like to say good morning.
Good morning to you Chris Glen.
Breakfast this morning,
drop by Biff's,
and have breakfast in four
or five different countries.
Cripsin, flaky, French cuisine.
Along with a mouth
watering Hungarian sausage,
and Mexican eggs, your choice.
This international food emporium
and video cassette,
- Where are we?
- I don't know man.
I'm starving, let's go.
- Perhaps we should drive
a little bit farther
to a Howard Johnson's.
- Come on.
[men shouting, commotion]
- Don't you think it looks
a little rough in there?
- Joey, listen,
just be yourself.
Hi, we're from New Jersey.
[gunshots]
[screaming]
- Let's get out of here.
- Go Everett, go!
- Hey, hey, you New Jerseyans!
[shouting, indistinct
chatter, car engine rumbling]
[cans clanking]
- [Everett] We are lucky
to get out of there alive.
[laughing]
- [Kevin] Man, this is the life.
This is Florida.
With the tititas.
The ones you can grab.
[laughs]
The women.
This is the life.
- Dad, it's Jody.
No, Jody, your son, remember?
- Hello, Mrs. Harrowick.
Is Tracy home?
The shower?
- [Joey] I'm in Florida.
Florida.
Well, you see,
it's a field trip
to my Biology club.
Species here I've never even
seen before.
- Okay, I'll tell you what,
I'll give you a call.
No, no, no, she,
she can call me on,
- [Joey] Dad, tell mom not
to worry.
- I gotta go.
- [Joey] Okay?
- I can't hear you,
- I'll be back,
- bad connection,
gotta go,
- I will, I will, okay.
Bye bye.
- So uh, Jeremy, you
having a good time?
- Yeah.
- That's good.
[shuffling]
[car engine rumbling,
doors shutting]
[shouting, tires screeching]
[rock music]
- Holy shit.
Look at that, will you?
You're beautiful.
- [Kevin] What?
They're all blonde.
- I wonder if they're natural.
- [Kevin] Look.
[tires screeching]
[crashing sound]
[clanking]
Good one Mario.
- What did you do my Motel?
What do you do?
You drive right into
wall, you crazy?
- Listen,
we came a long way.
- Oh, you need room?
No problem, I give
you good deal.
- Good, because we're
on a tight budget.
- One room 40 dollar, everybody,
sound okay?
- Well,
- I tell you what.
Make it 10.
[door shuttering, whistling]
[dial tone, beeping]
- Yeah, operator,
can I have area code 201 please?
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
Hello pookie.
- Jamie, where the hell
are you, what happened to you?
Oh Everett, me and Kevin,
we drove to Wildwood
and we slept in the car.
And then we got a flat tire,
can you believe that?
- He's at the beach.
- Oh, Tracy,
Tracy, Tracy.
I will be home soon, I swear.
- No, forget it,
don't even bother,
just stay there.
This is Senior Week, remember?
Have a good time,
have a great time.
I'm sure there will
be plenty of action.
[yelling, glass shattering]
[phone ringing]
- He's not worth getting
upset over, Tracy.
- I never wanna see him again,
as long as I live.
[phone ringing]
- I'll get it.
Hello, Jamie, this is Stacy.
You know I,
operator?
$2.65 for a call from Wildwood?
What?
Florida?
Can I have that number
please, operator?
[keys clicking]
- Will this thing
really type a term
paper?
- Well sure, it's easy.
Watch.
Word processor.
300 pages in memory
concerning modern culture.
This is fun.
You see Bagley's topic
is really quite relevant.
- Whoa.
- [Joey] Just consider the
disappearance of Victorian
ethics in modern society.
- [Everett] You look great.
- This place is a dump.
- I think it's over.
- What happened?
- Stay tuned for
the next episode
of I married a monster
from outer space,
when Jamie tries
to convince Tracy
that Florida really is
a suburb of New Jersey.
- Come on you guys,
we're going to the beach.
- Well wait a minute,
are you gonna bring
some girls back?
- Just you wait man,
you'll be the most
popular guy in Florida.
Just keep writing.
[upbeat music]
- [Kevin] Ah, the wonders
of nature all around us.
- [Jamie] Hey Kev, look,
there's your girlfriend.
- [Kevin] Bite this.
- How's it going?
- Hey.
- Hey check this out.
- Look at that,
oh my gosh.
My heart, I can't look,
I can't take it anymore.
[laughing]
- How's it going?
- Hey, where you from?
- Up north.
- Say, tell me,
where do we find the babes, huh?
- Look around, there's
plenty of babes
around here.
There's plenty action,
just play it cool kid,
play it cool.
- Okay, alright, alright.
- Well,
I think we should go that way.
- I think we should go that way.
- No I like this way.
[laughing]
- How's this guys?
- Hey, hold the fort, guys.
I'll be right back.
- Where's he going?
- I don't know.
I hope he's going
to get some food.
[whistles]
- Hello ma,
what's cooking?
- Where the hell are you?
Florida?
Why you little monkey.
- Yeah, you know,
soak up some sun and surf.
Sure I'll be back by Friday.
That's graduation.
Of course I'll be
going to graduation.
- Okay.
You be sure and bring
me back a souvenir
you hear?
Bye.
- Where'd he go?
[whistling]
- [Jamie] Gee, I
wonder if they deliver.
- Hello?
- Hello, this is Madeline
Bagley from Nixon High School.
I'm calling to
send my condolences
regarding Everett's mother.
- What do you wanna know
about Everett's mother?
- Everett said his
mother was dead.
- No, she isn't deceased.
She's alive and kicking, honey.
- Can I speak to Everett
for just a moment please?
- Oh he's in Florida.
For what do you call it?
Seniors Week?
Oh he'll be back for graduation.
[dramatic music]
- And that's a royal flush.
- What, again?
- Oh man.
[shuffling]
- You sure you're
not a professional?
- I get around.
- So,
where are you girls from?
- We're from Ohio.
- We went to Ball University.
- And what did you
girls study at Ball U?
- I studied to be a
dental technician.
- I'm a nurse.
- Oh yeah?
- You wanna play doctor?
- No I think one game of
strip poker is enough.
- Oh, thanks.
- We're going to
Penrots tonight,
maybe we'll see you there.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Look out Florida,
here we come.
Smile, Trace.
- I can't wait to see
the look on his face.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me,
may I have a ticket
to Florida, please?
[upbeat music]
- I can't believe we
actually did this.
- Sometimes you just
do what you gotta do.
- Goddamn son of a bitch.
- [Voiceover] Wrong
way, please exit.
Wrong way, please exit.
- Stop it.
- Look, I don't think
she's showing up.
- Look, she said she'll be here,
she'll be here.
- Well what does she look like?
- I told you I haven't
seen her in 10 years.
- Well are you sure
she said it's alright
for us to stay with her?
- Listen, this is a
matter of life and death.
- I could swear
that was Ms. Bagley.
[car horn honking,
tires screeching]
That's her?
[screaming]
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Stacy, this is my cousin,
Debbie Sue.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
[tires screeching]
- We're here!
[car honking]
[indistinct chatter]
Whoa, what do you
have in there, bricks?
Come on!
Mom you're here.
- Hi Tracy.
- Hi.
How are you?
- And you must be Stacy.
I've heard so much about you.
It's a pleasure.
Come on girls.
[animal growling]
- Is this a live alligator?
- Of course he's alive,
that's Chuckles.
Come on girls.
- Oh my God.
- We're going to have a
scrumptious dinner tonight,
my mom made her famous
Iranian chicken.
[upbeat music]
- Come on guys.
- One here.
[commotion]
- Yeah, alright!
[yelling]
- Yeah!
- Hey.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Kevin] Yeah!
Alright Everett!
- [Jamie] Come on, Everett.
Come on.
[cheering, shouting,
bell ringing]
- Yeah!
[indistinct chatter]
- Let's go this way.
[dramatic music]
- Amen.
- [All] Amen.
- Miss Tracy, you first.
[giggling]
- Thanks.
- You girls want a beer?
There's nothing like
a good cold beer.
- We haven't been up North
since I've been
married to Ernest.
- So we almost forget
what winter's like.
I feel so sorry for you.
- The sludge, the sleet.
- It makes us start to shiver.
- Must be nice living
with the alligators.
[upbeat music]
- Hold on.
- Shit, could you
please slow down?
[tires screeching]
- How you doing?
- Is this a party or what?
- It is now.
- Would you like to dance?
- Sure.
[commotion]
[clapping, cheering]
- You guys do not
want to go in there,
people are obnoxious.
Look, why don't we
go candlepin bowling?
We always go candlepin
bowling on Saturday nights.
- Stacy, I don't
want to be here.
I want to go find Jamie.
- No way Trace, listen.
I am 50% of this trip,
and we are going in here.
- Fine.
[upbeat music, clapping]
[commotion]
[sneezing]
- God will you look
at that pervert.
- Oh my god, that guy
looks just like Kevin.
- That is Kevin.
- Trace.
[growling]
- Look out.
- Look out yourself.
- Will you let me get by?
- Take it easy babe.
- I'm not your baby.
- Relax.
You're pretty hot.
Hey you from around here?
- No.
- No, we're just
visiting from up North.
So shall we get some air?
- Listen, relax,
relax.
Hey what's your name?
- Tracy.
- Tracy, now that's
a beautiful name.
Tracy how about if I
give you a call sometime.
- No, I don't think so,
see we're only here
for a couple of days,
- Great, great, great.
Well listen, I'd like to
get together sometime.
I'd love for you
to give me a call.
I'd love to show you around.
Your friends, too.
[commotion, upbeat music]
- That was some catch, buddy.
Who is she?
- Some chick from up north.
- So what's the deal?
- We'll see.
We'll see.
- Well, I'm sorry you didn't
like my eggs Floridian, but,
how would you like some pickles
or peanut butter or,
fruits?
[snoring]
[triumphant music]
- Welcome to the
Miss Florida contest.
We're featuring the
most beautiful girls
from this lovely state of ours.
I'm your host Mark Bartz,
and our judge today,
Everett McDill.
And now on to our first
contestant from Miami Beach,
Everett, take a look at this.
- Hi my name is Bonnie,
and I'm 5'2".
I like to swim and water skate,
and read Harold Robin's
novels on the beach.
- Thank you, thank you my dear,
thank you very much.
And now on to our
second contestant
from Tampa, Everett,
check this out.
- Hi, I'm Pamela,
and I'm from Tampa.
I like a warm fire on
the beach at night,
sound of pounding surf,
very sensuous.
Maybe we could
put a blanket down
and start a fire of our own.
- Next please,
okay baby thank you,
thank you sweetie.
Thanks.
And now Everett,
contestant number three,
she hails from Daytona Beach,
here she is.
- My name's Roxanne.
I'm a lifeguard.
Maybe you could
help me practice my
lifesaving techniques.
I give great mouth to
mouth resuscitation.
Want me to demonstrate?
- Thanks baby, thank
you sweetheart,
thank you very much.
And now Everett, here's a
face I know you're gonna
recognize, she's
from New Jersey.
She's into English,
she's into Kurney Vant,
she's into birdwatching,
she stands 5'4",
and her nickname is the Baglady.
- Working hard, Everett?
Getting a lot done, Everett?
Everett, Everett, Everett,
work hard,
working hard?
- I guess I better
go feed Chuckles.
- Come on Tracy, cheer up.
- I can't believe
this is happening.
[alligator growling]
- See you later.
- Who needs her, too?
[upbeat music]
- Wow, Princeton at last.
[knocking]
- Come in.
- You're a college man now.
It's about time,
don't you think?
- Could I,
get you girls some,
charatures or something?
- We want you, big man.
[calm music]
- Wine, your highness?
- Only the largest of your
mugs, oh Digitera.
[chuckling]
- Fruit, oh great big one?
- Only the ripest
from your vine,
oh Flatesia.
- May I make you more
comfortable, my lord?
- My, but your pillows
are fair, my dear.
[chuckling]
- Is there anything
else you desire,
king of kings?
- How about some
raw, unadultery,
totally raunchy fornication?
- Your wish is my command, sire.
- Oh boy,
finally a pickup
line that works.
- [All] Anything you
want, your highness.
Anything you want.
Anything you want,
your highness.
Anything you want.
Anything you want,
your highness.
- Baby.
Anything you want.
- Did you girls want
a cup of coffee?
There's nothing like
a good cup of coffee.
[sighing]
[snoring]
[upbeat music]
[whipping sounds]
- What are you doing?
This wasn't part of the plan.
What are you?
Get back here!
Get back here!
[shouting]
Did you see how much
fun he was having
with that girl last night?
- Trace, I think this is a sign.
I mean, I think it means
it's time to move on
and find a new boyfriend.
Hey, let's do something, okay?
We'll get dressed, we'll go out,
and we'll check out
the sights, okay?
That's what we're here for.
- Okay.
[beach music]
[shouting, indistinct
chatter, cans clanking]
- Lifeguard,
lifeguard excuse me.
I'm looking for three young men.
- Well what do these
studs look like?
- Well they're from out of town,
they're from up north.
- Oh those guys,
they said they were
looking for action.
- Have you seen them lately?
- Not today, babe.
- Will you be on the
lookout, will you?
- Sure thing sweetheart.
Say, is one of those
guys your boyfriend?
- Absolutely not.
- Good,
because you're kind of cute.
- What?
- What do you say
we meet up later?
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, do you
have hoagies here?
- Hey Arty, we got any hoagies?
- [Man] Who wants to know?
- A couple of guys
out here want hoagies.
- [Man] What kind?
- What kind?
- I don't know,
what kind you got?
- He says what kind you got?
- [Man] Tell them to
read the fucking sign.
- Oh.
I'd like a
a pizza hoagie
with extra cheese,
hot peppers, kielbasa,
gurkins, sauerkraut,
sardines?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sardines.
- Pizza hoagie, extra
cheese, hot peppers,
- Uh, no hot peppers.
- 86 the peppers,
gurkins, kielbasa, sauerkraut,
and sardines.
- And extra oil.
- Grease it.
Anything else?
- No.
Oh, provolone instead
of mozzarella.
- Provolone, 86 the mozzarella.
- And leave out the
kielbasa and get us
some pepperoni instead.
- Pepperoni, 86 the kielbasa.
- No extra oil.
- Squeeze it.
- Oh never mind it.
- Leave the oil.
- Are these domestic
sardines or imported?
- I don't know bud,
I didn't check their passports.
Anything else?
Hurry up, I got people waiting.
- You'll have to
excuse me ma'am,
I'm a little nervous
about my graduation.
- Anything else?
- Do you think that there's
life after death?
- What?
- That'll be $8.50.
- You got your dough?
- No, man, this was on you.
- It is?
- Read my lips,
$8.50 I said.
- I'll tell you what.
I'll take this home and eat it,
and then I'll go
get my wallet, okay?
- You can't pay for that?
- Well,
- It's guys like you
that caused me to have
a heart condition, you scumbag!
- Take that!
[yelling]
- I think we should ask
before we took the car,
don't you Trace?
How are you gonna find him?
- Got the street
address on the payphone.
- You're crazy.
[growling, grunting]
- Hey, check this one out.
- Who?
- [Everett] Looks like the
girl from the magazine.
- Oh my god, Everett.
It is the girl
from the magazine!
She's fantastic.
- Hey, hey,
want a bite of my hoagie?
How about some salami?
Maybe a beer later tonight?
[shouting]
- [Kevin] Oh man.
- [Everett] She's incredible.
- This is it, Trace.
[car door slamming]
- This is the one all right.
- I'd rather have
2 girls at 16.
Than one at 32.
Oh shit.
- So,
having a good time in Wildwood?
What happened, did you
take the wrong turn?
- Trace, I,
- Yeah, yeah, come
on, let's hear it.
- I was with Everett,
we were drinking some beers,
and we ended up here.
- I don't wanna hear
your bullshit.
- Tracy, I had nothing
to do with it, Everett
just kept on driving.
- Right.
And I suppose that
Everett forced you
to dance with that
girl last night.
See, I was there.
I saw it all.
- How can you say that?
We were just dancing.
Look, why don't we
just have a good time?
Now that you're here,
pookie.
Can we just have a good time?
I mean, it's Senior Week.
I'm sorry.
- That's not a bad idea, Trace.
- Hi there, care to go jogging?
- You scum sucking pig.
I hate you!
- Hi, I wouldn't
mind going for a run.
[upbeat music]
- My life has definitely
reached rock bottom.
Hey look at me.
I haven't even graduated
from high school.
And I already feel ancient.
Why can't I just
meet a normal guy?
You know, that's all I want.
Is that a lot to ask?
- Tracy,
just remember that
Jamie is not the last
guy on Earth, you know that?
- Hi, is Lance there?
He's in the jacuzzi?
This is Tracy.
Tracy Hartwick.
- Good boy.
- Does he catch frogs?
- Well, he tried,
- Hi,
- Yeah,
- and that's the important
thing.
- How are you doing?
I'm fine thanks, you know,
I'm really sorry about that,
- Mom is making
lasagna.
- wasn't quite my day
yesterday.
- We are going out tonight.
- Yeah me too.
[dog barking]
- What?
- Sure,
- Chuckles, no!
- Is everything okay?
[alligator growling]
- No, bad, bad!
[screaming]
[rap music]
- What'll it be, sweetheart?
- I'd like something cold
to drink, if you please.
- You got a preference?
- Just something cold,
thank you.
[exhaling]
- I'm looking for somebody,
I was wondering if you
might be able to help me.
- What does he look like?
- He's rude,
he's obnoxious,
and he's not going to graduate.
[laughing]
- That guy?
You're related to him?
- Why, have you seen him?
- Seen him?
You wanna know
what he did to me?
Come here, I'll show you.
[screaming]
[typing sounds]
- [Kevin] I can't believe
it's the same girl.
- [Everett] Honey I
love you, too much.
Too much.
- Damnit.
Where were you guys?
I can't take it anymore.
Look, you said you'd
bring me back a girl.
And you told me that
yesterday before you
went to the beach,
you told me that last
night before you went out,
and you told me
that again today.
What about our deal, huh?
Hey look, you
brought me down here.
And all I do is
sit at that table
and write your term paper.
Because I feel so sorry for
you and your sick mother.
Plus I had to sit through
Jamie's soap opera all day.
[heavy breathing]
That's it, I've had enough.
- Hey, cool out, Joey.
- It is not Joey.
It is Jody.
- She's here, dude.
- What?
- Tracy's in Florida, man.
- Well it sure is a
good thing you called.
[beeping]
[commotion]
- Pod fish.
[crashing sound]
- Oh, oops.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
[crashing sound]
- That's rotten, God.
- Come here often?
No I'm from up north.
- Oh, what a coincidence,
my cousin and her
friend are visiting
from up north, too.
Karma, huh?
- Yeah.
Uh, do you work in a hospital?
- No,
my dog had a little accident.
What'd you get?
- Well you see,
I'm trying to find
some health food.
I've been eating junk
for the last two days.
- Why's that?
- Because I was kidnapped,
that's why.
- Oh.
[sneezing]
- Gesundheit.
- Thank you.
- Do you have hay fever?
- Do I ever.
- Gee, I had hay fever once too,
but then I got shots.
- Dr. Fitzelberger, you know,
the world famous allergist?
- I hear he's wonderful.
- Oh, yes,
it was horrible, I
couldn't even see,
[crashing sound]
Well, I,
guess I better get back
to that damn paper.
- Well take some time out,
you look out awfully tense.
I know a great way to relax.
I read in Tiger Beat magazine
that David Lee Roth
uses whipped cream.
- What?
- It's great for those tense
aching muscles.
- Whipped cream?
- You rub it in,
it's all natural.
- [Kevin] I don't know,
maybe he hitchiked
his way back to New Jersey.
- Joey?
- Where could he be?
Look at this.
- Joey baby.
- Hi Everett.
Meet Debbie Sue.
[laughing]
- So your girls' names
really Stacy and Tracy?
You've gotta be making that up.
- No, we're not,
everybody always kids us
about it.
- So what would you
guys like to drink?
- I'll just have
some OJ, please.
- Could I have a glass
of chablis, please?
- I think we can arrange that.
The regular, LX?
- LX?
- My middle name is Xavier.
- Oh wow.
- Music?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
- That's a $6000 system.
[upbeat music]
- I can't believe it man, Jody.
- Hey what brand do
you think he used?
- I think it was Reddiwhip.
- Hey check out
that dude's car man,
he looks really rich.
And check out the babe.
Wait, that's Tracy!
Holy shit, stop the car!
[tires screeching]
- Oh my God.
- Take your hands
off my girlfriend.
- Tracy, do you know this
person?
- Jamie, what are you
doing here?
Why don't you just
leave us alone?
- I said take your
hands off my girlfriend.
Or I'm gonna rip off your head
and shit down your neck.
- Calm down, killer.
Remember what your
parole officer said.
- This guy giving
you a hard time, man?
- Stay out of this, ass face.
- I think they're all drunk.
- Nah, nah, nah.
I'm perfectly sober,
and I know what I see.
[shouting]
- Will you just grow up?
You blew it buddy!
So why don't you
just go back to your
little robocize queen?
- Tracy.
- No, save it.
It's over, asshole.
[car engine rumbling,
tires screeching]
- Sorry about it.
- So am I.
- Look, why don't we
just go back to my place,
have a drink and forget
about the whole thing?
- Sounds great.
- So that's when dad sold
the house out in Malibu
and we moved here.
We were living right
next to Linda Ronston.
- Really?
I love Linda Ronston.
- Why don't we go make
ourselves more comfortable?
It's a wonderful night,
in spite of the commotion.
- I'm really sorry about that.
- Don't worry about it.
You know,
you're very pretty.
In fact, I think you're
one of the nicest girls
I've ever met.
I wanna make out with you baby.
- What?
- There's something in me,
I just can't control it.
- Stop, stop it.
- Don't fight it,
just let it happen.
- Stop.
- Tracy, I am so sorry.
I'm out of line.
Please forgive me.
- Don't you think
you're rushing things
a little bit?
- I'm sorry.
Truly, I am.
Please, let me
make it up to you.
We can all get together
on my yacht tomorrow.
Jake and I will
pick you up, say,
10:30?
- Okay.
Can you take us home now?
- Yes.
[knocking]
- Hi Debbie Sue.
- Hi there, cellar boy.
- Hi.
- Ow, stop.
Something happened
between the two of you,
I know it.
- Nothing happened.
He was a complete gentleman.
- How old is he?
- I don't know,
he's a lot more
mature than Jamie.
- Older men are great,
they pay for everything.
[giggling]
- Yeah.
I can't remember the
last time Jamie treated.
- Excuse me girls, have
you seen Deborah Sue?
I just can't imagine
what happened to her.
[clicking sound]
- So how long do you wanna wait?
- I don't know, he
said he'd be here.
- I think we should just go
to the beach and leave a note.
- Okay.
[snoring]
- You're very pretty.
In fact, you're one of the
nicest girls I've ever met.
- Hold it.
- I can't imagine what
could have happened to him.
You think he would
at least call.
- Come on.
- They're cute.
- The worst meatloaf
I have ever tasted
in my entire life.
- Anybody wanna get a hoagie?
- You know, you
move something in me
that I just can't control.
[screaming]
- Come on, let's check it out.
[screaming]
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
Here I go I'm right behind you.
[shouting]
- Stay away from me!
This pig's trying to rape me.
- Me, trying to rape you?
Well that's utterly ridiculous.
Well you must know it
was I who was solicited.
- You sure get
around, don't you?
- What's it to you, maggot?
- Can you believe this
guy tried to rape me?
- I think you ought to
apologize to this chick
before I rip your lips off.
Then you can apologize to me
for calling me a maggot.
- Okay, she's not a whore.
But you're still a maggot.
- Drown, dipshit.
[cheering]
- Hello, Everett.
- Miss Bagley.
How did you get here?
- I flew, that's how.
Your term paper was due
at 9AM this morning.
- And it's almost done.
Honest.
How did you know I was here?
- Nevermind it.
I called your
mother, she's alive.
- Mom's alive?
Oh shit.
Mom's alive.
Mom's alive!
- Everett, Everett,
you come back here.
- My mom's alive!
- Everett!
Come back here!
Give me that term paper now!
[laughing]
- I don't give a shit,
just get your ass over here.
This guy is gonna
get what he deserves.
- Did you miss me pookie?
- Of course I did, you big jerk.
- Alright, you love birds,
come on kiss and
make up will ya?
Please?
Oh, come on.
- So are you having a good trip?
- Fabulous.
[upbeat music]
- Hello Joey.
I need the term
paper right away man,
is it finished?
Good, meet me in 10
minutes at the arcade.
You don't know me, but I'm
madly in love with you.
Come with me.
I know how to make you happy.
- So many have tried,
but so few have been successful.
- Well, could I have
a shot at least?
- Many have yearned for me,
but weren't man enough to endure
my unbridled lust.
- Really?
- My untamed passion.
They had to beg for mercy.
Beg to be released from
the unquenchable fire
that rages in my loins.
- Let me, honey,
I can take it.
I can get you references
and everything.
- Well meet me tonight then,
at Pinrod's.
Will you be there?
- Yeah.
Sure.
Say, how hot are those loins?
- Be there and find out.
[tires screeching]
- Come here big boy
and give me a kiss.
- No, Debbie Sue, I can't,
I gotta go meet Everett.
- Oh let him wait,
I'm sorry that I
risked the term paper.
- I can't, it took
20 minutes for this
to print out in the first place.
- I'm going home and
I'm gonna change.
If my mom doesn't kill me,
I'll see you later.
- Okay.
Meet me on the beach.
- Alright.
You were wonderful last night.
[car engine rumbling]
- Whoa, excuse me.
Look I finished the paper.
- Great,
come on let's go.
This is great.
I gotta get this to
Baglady right away.
I think she's gonna like it.
- We meet again.
- So what's this?
- It's a term paper.
Everett's gotta turn
it in right away.
- Turn it into
the trash that is.
Got an F, what a pisser.
- Hold it.
Hold it, let's have
a look at this.
The decline of moral values
in 20th century western society.
Final assignment,
by Everett MacDill.
[laughing]
Hey check this out.
- Okay, be careful with that.
I may wanna submit
it to Rolling Stone
after all.
- Oh is that right?
Well,
I got something else
you can submit to.
Jake?
- [Jody] Everett!
You okay?
Everett.
Everett, you okay?
- Yeah, sure.
- They got the paper.
- You made a copy I hope.
- I've got to tell you,
it accidentally got
erased from the memory.
- You didn't memorize it?
- What do you mean?
It's 46 pages long.
- Come on.
[upbeat music]
- Hey you guys.
- Hey,
hey!
Everett, what
happened to you man?
- This big guy punched him out.
- Nevermind now, that Lance
guy stole my term paper,
we gotta get it back from him.
- Let's get the turd!
- Hey, there he is!
- Get him!
[shouting, indistinct chatter]
[shouting]
- I must find him,
I have to find him,
you must tell me where he is,
you must tell me right now!
- Look lady, I
don't have no idea
who you're talking about.
[engines rumbling]
- Hey, wait, no!
Hey, somebody help!
Hey, stop!
- Get back here you
lying son of a bitch!
- Come on!
You're gonna be sorry.
Get back here.
- Hot stuff.
- You're going too fast.
- Calm down.
- We're going too fast.
- I said calm down already.
- Come on!
[police sirens blaring]
- And what we found
is that the action
of the recreational
vehicles on the beach
tend to accelerate
the erosion process.
It's a process that is
continuously in motion,
- Jim let's go!
[engine rumbling, upbeat music]
- In pursuit.
- [Voiceover] What's up 55?
- Pack of dune buggies.
- [Voiceover] Please repeat.
- Dune buggies on the loose.
[tires screeching]
- Look out!
[crashing sound]
[car doors slamming]
- Alright get your hands up.
- It was accidental, honest.
- Accidental?
You keep driving that way
and you'll have a real accident.
- Wait a minute.
Could you please explain it?
- It wasn't my fault,
I was just trying to
get my term paper back.
- No, no, wait, wait please!
Put it down, put it down.
- Now wait a minute officer,
let him get his story out.
Jim, will you get this please?
- Well, it all started
when my crabby teacher
gave me this assignment.
Then I stayed up all
night to get it done
on my vacation too.
We're on a trip from up north.
- Is that so?
Go on.
- Well, then some bad guys
stole my paper and
took off with it.
- Is that it?
- You know, this really
is a wonderful state.
The hot sun and the girls,
what more could a man ask for?
- Well, thank you, very
nice of you to say,
and I'm glad you had
a chance to stay here.
Cut, please.
- Incredible story,
just incredible.
- Hey Everett, I found it!
- Wait, here it is!
- I found it, I found it.
[cheering]
- One moment.
Let me see that.
- [Officer] Who are you lady?
- Madeline Bagley,
I'm the one that gave
this young delinquent
this assignment and I
have tracked him here
to get it.
- This is splendid.
A young man, an eager student,
determined to finish
his final assignment.
Retrieves it from the garbage,
and here stands his teacher,
at the culmination of
his valiant struggle.
Oh Jim, please,
let's get a shot of this.
Ms. Bagley, excuse me,
excuse me?
Could you stand right here,
with the garbage truck
in the background,
and what's your name?
- Everett MacDill.
- Everett, great,
why don't you come
right over here,
great, now what I'd
like you to do is,
hold up the assignment,
right like that,
so we can get a good shot of it.
Okay, what's the topic?
- It's about morality,
and you know,
how things are really
going downhill.
- Timely, that's terrific.
Now if you could
just hold it up,
and then sort of hand it
to Ms. Bagley symbolically.
And this was the scene today
near the boardwalk area.
One of those truly human stories
which has special meaning
for us at this time
of so many graduations
in the area.
Honor student Everett MacDill,
- [Kevin] It's the Baglady!
- [Reporter] out of
a northern school,
after miraculously halting
a runaway garbage truck
which contained his
final term assignment.
Seen here, about
to hand the paper
to his waiting teacher
Ms. Madeline Bagley,
near tears with joy.
- Gee, Betsy, that's
quite a story.
And I'll bet she gives
him an A+ on that one.
- I would certainly hope so.
He wouldn't have
graduated without it.
[cheering]
- Yeah!
[commotion]
Whoa.
- Many have yearned for me.
- Well hot dog baby.
[indistinct chatter]
- Beg to be released from
the unquenchable fire.
- I can take it.
Hey listen up
everybody, listen up.
I'd like to propose a toast,
to Jody.
I couldn't have done
it without you, man.
- Thanks.
- Hey everybody, stop,
look at the TV.
- And once again topping
the news tonight,
honor student Everett MacDill
went above and beyond the call
of normal duty today,
when he jumped into
a garbage truck
to save his final term
paper from destruction.
Hats off to this model,
- [Everett] Hey,
turn it back on,
they're not finished yet.
- But you are.
- Ms. Bagley.
- You may be able
to fool the media,
but you can't fool me.
You didn't write
this assignment.
There are words in here
you've never even heard of.
I don't know who wrote
this for you, Mr. MacDill,
but there is no way
I'm going to pass you.
You may have gotten
an A+ on television,
but in real life
you're getting an F.
Do you know means, Everett?
No graduation, period.
- That was sensational.
What a woman.
[laughing]
[birds chirping]
- Hey, what's another
word for ethical?
- Republican.
- What are you writing, anyways?
- The term paper.
- Relax, will you?
Leave it up to me.
- Alright everyone,
we'll get started as soon
as Ms. Bagley arrives.
[upbeat music]
[laughing]
- You can fool
some of the people
some of the time,
but you can never fool
Madeline Bagley!
[laughing]
- My mother's gonna kill me.
- How is she doing anyways?
- Oh, much better, thanks.
- Oh good.
[laughing]
- Oh, Homer, I wish you could
be with me to celebrate.
[laughing]
[gasping]
- I followed you all
the way from Florida.
And I'll follow you
until the ends of the Earth.
My belladonna.
Oh my God.
Oh my God,
oh my God.
- I can't understand
where she is.
- Principal Muckle, if I may,
while we're waiting?
I'd just like to say
that I've known Everett
for 11 years.
- Alright,
there will be plenty
of time for that,
once the hearing begins.
- Yeah, and thanks to Everett,
I got to see Florida.
- Oh you beautiful thing, you.
You're hotter than I ever
thought you could be.
I'm gonna make you
proud to be a woman.
Baby, here I come.
- Principal Muckle,
may I remind you
that rule 168, sub paragraph
6 of the student code
stipulates a student hearing
should commence in 10 minutes,
and it pointed out ensuring
fair and prompt consideration.
- Alright, we,
can't delay this any longer.
We'll start.
We'll hear from Ms. Bagley once
she decides to get here.
You may proceed with
your opening part.
- If it pleases the court,
I intend to prove
that my client,
Everett MacDill,
was simply a victim of
extenuating circumstances.
Why he nobly attempted
to fulfill his academic
obligations to this school.
And, that Florida provided
the ideal laboratory
for the examination
of his assigned topic.
For my first character witness,
I'd like to call Jamie Murphy.
- Lovey dovey.
- This has been the
most enlightening week
of my life.
I feel like I've been cultured.
I learned a great
deal about substance.
Thanks to my buddy,
Everett MacDill.
- So Everett spent
the whole entire trip
working on that term paper,
and we were all out
having a good time.
- Everett deserves
a lot of credit.
I mean he was a local hero.
He was on TV news
all over Florida.
Oh, and we even got on camera.
- Homer, let me kiss your beak
and nuzzle your feathers.
- Oh, now this is getting kinky.
I love it.
I love it.
- The term paper was stolen,
and we had to get
it back at any cost.
His graduation, his entire
future was at stake.
- Then this really crazy lady
came running out screaming,
her hair standing on end.
She said she was
Everett's teacher.
You know, she was so weird,
I thought she was
gonna have a seizure
right then and there, I did.
- Thanks honey, I
think that's enough.
[laughing]
- The hearing, the hearing,
I've gotta get to the hearing.
Get out of my way!
[whimsical music]
[imitating bird noises]
- Everett MacDill
was not on vacation.
He was on a field trip,
gathering research for Ms.
Bagley's final term paper.
You've heard the testimony,
it speaks for itself.
Everett MacDill may not
be an honor student.
But he has fulfilled
his academic obligation
to this institution with honor.
I move that the
case be dismissed.
[applause, cheering]
[tapping]
- Settle down everyone.
This hearing is not over,
until we've heard
from Ms. Bagley.
- Where is Baglady anyway?
[crashing sound]
- Everett MacDill is guilty!
- Madeline?
What the hell is going on here?
- He can't graduate,
he won't graduate!
He's rotten to the core.
- This is absolute absurdity.
I don't know what
you have against
that fine young man.
But as far as I'm concerned,
this case is dismissed.
[applause]
[upbeat music]
[commotion, indistinct chatter]
- So, did you get
to see Disney World?
- No, but I did meet
the girl of my dreams.
- We all have to
follow our dreams.
So, what are you planning to do
after graduation?
- Well, I think I'm gonna go
back down to Florida.
I have a little
unfinished business there.
[cheering, applause]
- You're gonna
really like Florida.
I got a big palm tree
in my front yard.
♪ I got a yoko-maka
huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪
♪ The yoko-maka huba
bakwa sure is grand ♪
♪ Makes your eyes look red
♪ And your tongue turn green
♪ The strongest mess
that you ever seen ♪
♪ The Mojo hand used
to be real strong ♪
♪ It kept you straight
when you did me wrong ♪
♪ As time went by
♪ You just got so mean
♪ But the yoko-maka huba
bakwa is the thing ♪
♪ I got a yoko-maka
huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪
♪ The yoko-maka huba
bakwa sure is grand ♪
♪ Makes your eyes look red
♪ And your tongue turn green
♪ The yoko-maka huba
bakwa makes you scream ♪
♪ Mojo hand used
to be real strong ♪
♪ It kept you straight
when you did me wrong ♪
♪ As time went by you
just got so mean ♪
♪ But the yoko-maka huba
bakwa is the thing ♪
♪ I got a yoko-maka
huba bakwa ju ju hand ♪
♪ The yoko-maka huba
bakwa sure is grand ♪
♪ Makes your eyes look red
♪ And your tongue turn green
♪ The strongest mess
that you ever seen ♪
♪ Yoko-maka, huba
bakwa ju ju hand ♪
♪ Your picture
♪ Makes me love you so long
♪ Makes me drill to your dawn
♪ Your picture I love so much
♪ Your eyes
♪ Just as clear as the sky
♪ Now I seem to realize
♪ That it's you I adore
♪ You're better
♪ Your eyes
♪ These all
♪ Are my dreams
♪ Your picture
♪ On the wall
♪ The greatest of them all
♪ Your picture
♪ Makes me suddenly weak
♪ Makes me cry in my sleep
♪ Now I pray on my knees
♪ That you'll come back to me
♪ Your picture
♪ Your picture
♪ Your picture
♪ You're better
♪ Your eyes
♪ These are
♪ My dreams
♪ Your picture
♪ On the wall
♪ The greatest of them all
♪ Your picture
♪ Makes me suddenly weak
♪ Makes me cry in my sleep
♪ Now I pray on my knees
♪ That you come back to me
♪ That you come back to me
- [Voiceover] Baby, here I come.