Sebastian Maniscalco: Why Would You Do That? (2016) - full transcript

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[Man] Cefalù, Sicily, 1959.

What a simpler time.

Families, rolling hills,

farms.

Look at my grandfather.

Do you know how confident

you have to be

to wear a short sleeve

dress shirt

with a tie

to go pick tomatoes?



My father would go on

to be a hair stylist,

and my uncle Luigi

could get a deal

on anything.

My family

didn't agree on much,

but the one thing

they would agree on,

no one,

and I mean no one

would ever thought

I would end up here.

[Electronic music playing]



[male announcer]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Sebastian Maniscalco.

[Audience cheers]

Wow. Nice.

Well...

Feels good.

Saturday night, right?

It's exciting.

It's a big night.

It's a big night.

Now, before you came here,

you had to decide

how you're

gonna get here.

And you might be getting ready

and ask your wife,

"Babe, you want me to drive?"

[Audience laughs]

If you're Italian,

you probably try and get like,

"Well, do you think we're

gonna get, like, a stretch

or something like that?

Do we get a cab?

What do we do?

Maybe Uber?

A lot of people like Uber."

UberX, what is that?

What is it?

It's like hitchhiking

with your phone.

[Audience laughs]

God knows what's gonna

pull up tonight

to pick you up.

Some guy

in a Ford Festiva?

Groceries in the back?

Baby seat next to you?

With a baby?

Loose popcorn

on the floor?

"What's going on

back here, guy?

Are you on an errand?

What is this?"

Uber Black.

That's another one, people.

That's a better...

You might get a sedan,

an SUV.

Do you ever get

into that guy's car?

He's so proud

of his candy.

As soon as you get in,

"I've got candy if you want.

I got it in the seat.

I got gum,

Jolly Rancher,

I got iPhone 3, 4, 5, 6 charge.

I got iPhone 9.

It's not out,

but I have

if you need it."

What?

These are weird experiences.

You get in an Uber,

they're rating you.

You're rating them.

Everybody's on some weird,

fake behavior.

As soon as you get in,

you have to ask,

you feel like, okay, I gotta...

"How long have you

been doing Uber?"

And they never just do Uber.

They always got

some side business.

You ask them how long.

"I know, come on, hee hee.

I do this 12 hours a week,

but my real business,

I got a discotheque

in Istanbul."

What...

the hell are you

talking about?

And Uber is expanding into

a lot of different areas.

You don't have this yet

here in New York City,

but in Los Angeles,

they have a thing called

Uber Kitten.

Where they'll bring

a cat to your house

for one hour.

Why would you do that?

I've never been sitting around

my home and asked my wife,

"Babe, call Uber.

Let's get a cat over here

for one hour.

I need to pet something."

[Laughing continues]

It's weird.

We trust our phones too much.

Could you imagine

20 years ago,

a foreign guy pulling up

in a sedan telling you,

"Get in." You'd be like,

"Get the fuck out of here."

Not today. You're like,

"Are you Gegak?

The photo doesn't really

look like you,

but I think

this is the vehicle."

Strange.

There's a lot of interesting

websites out there.

Airbnb. Here's another one.

You can rent out a room

in your house.

Is it worth the extra $100

to have some psychotic family

show up with their luggage?

[Imitates British accent]

"Hello."

I couldn't do this.

I couldn't rent out

a room in my home.

If I did, after they left,

I'd have to burn the room

that they were in.

I'd torch the mattress.

I don't know

what's falling out

of peoples ears

into the Tempur-Pedic.

Torch the...

Torch the bed.

I don't even stay

with my family

let alone strangers.

I get it all the time.

Every time I go to a city,

I know people there.

And they're like,

"Just stay with us.

We have plenty of room."

I ain't staying with you.

You ever stay with people?

It's weird.

They put you

in some weird room

nobody uses.

Single bed,

Star Wars sheets,

Darth Vader, C-3PO.

Can't even get comfortable.

You ever get into

somebody's bed?

It's weird. You get in.

You can't...

Look to the left,

there's a booger wall.

Somebody started

a booger wall?

Try and get comfortable.

You can't.

The owners always come in

and knock on the door,

and they're gonna tell you

what's wrong with the house.

You always get

that little knock.

"Are you sleeping yet?"

"No, I'm gonna stand, why?

What's going on?

You got a booger wall

here to your left.

You haven't-- you haven't

seen that yet?

Nothing?"

They tell you just before

you go to bed,

just so you know,

"The toilet in the hallway,

do not flush that.

If you do, we're gonna

have to evacuate the home."

What?

"When you shower

cold is hot, hot is cold.

We've been trying

to fix that for years.

When you're done

showering,

we ask if you could

please squeegee--"

Squeegee?

What? I mean wh--

I gotta get in and clean?

Now naked. I gotta search

for some weird wand

that lives in your shower

for 23 years?

Take the wand and start

wiping off shower pellets

as my balls

touch the tile?

[Man whistling]

What, do I work here?

I'm not cleaning the shower.

I don't know,

I stay at a hotel.

I don't even trust

the hotel.

As soon as I check in, I put

a "do not disturb" on the hook.

It sits there

for the amount of time

I'm in the room.

Yeah, you think I'm dumb?

You think I'm dumb?

You think I'm gonna

have the maid come in

and steal everything

that I got?

Wash out my glasses

with some dirty panties?

Fuck that.

Nobody comes into my room.

I throw everything

in the hallway.

Take the dirty towels,

right in the hallway.

That coffee machine

that's in the bathroom?

I throw that out.

Who the hell is making coffee

next to the toilet?

Throw it out!

And I'll rearrange

an entire hotel room.

I don't like

a lot of clutter.

As soon as I check in,

I look to see

what's going on

in the room.

If it's too--

too many things,

I start rearranging.

I'll take a chair.

I'll throw it

in the elevator

and I'll send it

to the lobby.

People get in the elevator,

and they think it's part

of the hotel.

They're like,

"Wow, this is fabulous!

They have furniture

in here?

My feet

are just killing me."

My wife thinks I'm nuts.

My wife didn't grow up

with this mentality.

I get this all

from my dad, all right?

My wife didn't grow up

like me.

My wife's family,

entirely different

than my family.

My family, we talk a lot.

Everything's out in the open

on my side of the family.

In my family,

if you got a problem,

somebody gonna tell you

you got a problem.

You stink? Somebody goes,

"What the fuck? You stink."

Yeah, he stinks.

I don't know.

We are so honest.

Nobody gets their feelings

hurt in my family.

Nobody's got feelings.

We talk about each other

in our family.

I call my mother, and we talk

about the entire family.

We talk about my sister.

"Hey, you talk to Jessica?"

"Yeah, don't call her.

It's all--

They're having

a tough go of it."

Not my wife's family.

They don't say nothing

on that side. Nobody knows.

I listen. I listen.

My wife Skypes

with her mother.

And, you know,

I can hear them talking.

"What's going on over there?"

"Oh, nothing.

Everything's good here.

What's going on over there?"

And I pass by. [Mumbles]

After she get off,

I tell her--

I ask my wife,

"What did your mom say?"

"Oh, everything's good."

It ain't good.

Dig, dig for the story.

Get down deep.

Figure it out.

There's shit happening.

I talk to my mother,

I get it all from her.

As soon as I hang up,

I can't wait to tell my wife

what I found out.

As soon as I hang up

the phone I go,

"Babe, pour yourself

a glass of wine.

Meet me outside.

You're not gonna believe

what's going on

with my cousins.

[Whistles]

I got juice. I got juice."

My family talks

about everything.

Nothing is off the table.

Talk about money constantly.

To this day, my father and I,

that's all we did

was talk about money,

when we were small,

to this day.

My father knows what I make.

I know what he's got

buried in the yard.

Italians.

Any Italians here tonight?

[Audience cheers]

Of course.

Italians, we're always

trying to figure out

what stuff costs.

Some of you were probably

looking up here tonight going,

"What do you think

he's making for this shit?

How many seats you think

is in the place?"

Any event Italians go,

they try and figure it out.

They go to a wedding,

the whole ride home,

"How much you think

they paid for the...?"

We itemize everything

we saw at the wedding.

Well, they wrapped

the chairs.

That's $38 a chair.

They had a sweet table.

Ice sculptures.

So honest.

My family is so honest.

My wife's family, again,

they don't say nothin'.

And I really found out

how different

my wife and I were

when we went to go visit

her father at the cemetery.

Now, my wife's father

passed away 15 years ago.

I never got a chance

to meet the man.

So we go to the cemetery.

Now, prior to his death,

he bought a plot for himself,

a plot for his wife.

Well, the wife

has since remarried.

Okay.

So we go to the cemetery,

and I'm holding

my wife's hand.

It's a very emotional day

for us.

Well, for me.

Listen, I gotta

be honest with you,

I'm the emotional one

in the relationship.

I cry, no problem.

Undercover Boss, forget it.

I'm balling at the end

of that show.

Oh, my God.

So we go to the cemetery.

I'm holding my wife's hand.

We approach the two graves.

Now I'm sitting there,

my heart is bleeding

for my wife.

She got no father.

But the other side

of my brain kicks in.

I said, "Is your mother

still gonna get...

buried here

with the original or...

Or is she gonna get buried

with the new husband?

What's going on?

'Cause this is paid for.

It's paid for and, uh,

who's going in the hole?

We gotta figure this out.

I'll hop in here.

In the meantime,

we gotta use this,

maybe for storage.

We'll put

the Christmas tree here.

A rake, skis.

We gotta use this."

My wife's brain

don't work this way.

She said, "Why would you

even think of that?"

I go, "That's why you got me.

I think of this."

We're calling

your mother tonight,

and we're figuring out

who goes where in this plot.

But they don't share

like my family shares.

My family comes over,

it's a critique of everything.

My father comes to critique

everything in the house.

He asks me what I paid

for stuff constantly.

He'll walk around

the house and just,

"How much, how much

you pay for that?"

"What they take you for?

Tell me."

So now I gotta give him

parent price.

You can't tell your parents

the full price.

They'll have a heart attack.

You gotta knock 90 % off.

But my father can't even

take the parent price.

I go, "I don't know, Dad.

I think it was $400--"

"$400?!

I could make this."

What you can make

a 65" Samsung TV set?

What the hell

are you talking...?

Different families.

My wife's family, God,

I spent six days

with them

a couple months ago.

Now, when I go to her side

of the family,

I got no blood relation there.

I got nobody to confide in.

I can't tap anybody and go,

"Did you see that?"

Now, my wife's got a nephew

on that side that, well,

these types of kids,

he's all over the restaurant.

He'll go to a restaurant,

he don't sit still,

boom, he's gone.

Now, I'm the type,

I can handle a conversation,

but in the back

of my head, I'm like,

"Is somebody

gonna handle this?"

So I lose him for about

a minute and a half.

I become concerned

because I don't know

where the hell he's at.

He comes from behind me,

and he chops me

right in the neck.

I look right at the parents.

Nothing. They're just,

"Oh, well, he's just

a kid, you know?"

Do you know what

would happen to me

if I ever slapped an adult

at a restaurant?

Right?

[Audience cheers]

My father would come

from behind me,

put a black bag over my head...

and take me to

an undisclosed location.

Gone.

I would return

one hour later,

a brand-new kid.

There'd be a lot of bowing.

"I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry.

My father just informed me

that I'm gonna be working

for you free of charge...

for the next 12 years

of my life.

I apologize deeply."

But the reason I fell

in love with my wife

is because

she is so different.

She brings out

a lot of things in me

that no one ever has.

She loves to go out.

Loves people. Loves to go...

Here, she came home

a couple of months ago.

She's like,

"Met a great couple,

they invited us to their home

for a dinner party."

In my head, I'm like,

"This sounds terrible.

I don't want..."

I have an allergic reaction

to people I don't like.

Right away, I feel it. I itch.

But not everything's

an argument.

So I told my wife, "Eh, yeah...

When is it? Saturday night,

my night off?

Yeah, I'd love to go.

All strangers?

Everybody's gonna

be a stranger?"

So we get in the car.

We start to drive.

The whole ride there

she's promoting the couple.

It's her couple.

She's gotta talk them up.

She's like,

"You're gonna love these two.

She's an interior designer.

She is so creative.

You're gonna love the guy too.

He's a stay-at-home dad.

I didn't grow up with

the stay-at-home dad community.

I didn't--

You don't really find that

in the Italian culture.

You rarely hear a woman go,

"No, Gino's at home

with the kid.

No, he doesn't work.

He just watches Peppa Pig

with the kid."

That wasn't my father,

I'll tell you that.

He wasn't testing milk

on his arm.

"Yeah, no, you can

give him the bottle.

I think it's good."

Dad was working

18 hours a day.

I think I formally met my dad

when I was 18 years old.

He had a little break.

He's like,

"Hey, how you doing?

I'm your father.

I'm your father.

Everything going okay?

Puberty?

Everything growing?"

So we pull up

to the house.

We get out of the car.

Now, we don't go right in

'cause my wife's

gotta coach me

before we go into

any social event.

She's gotta fix me,

she's always fixing me.

My wife's just, "Here, just..."

[grunting] "Fix me up."

She's gotta tell

me what to do.

She's like, "Just smile

when you're in there,

just smile at people."

My wife don't think I smile

around strangers.

She thinks I got

a mean resting face.

Like, if I'm not

talking or smiling,

it looks like I could murder

your entire family.

So I tell my wife,

"Don't worry about it.

It's just new people.

We're gonna have fun."

So come up to the door.

I ring the bell.

They came to the door

as a couple.

That bothered me.

[Mouthing words]

Just send one representative

to the door.

Both of you don't

have to come holding hands.

Now you walk in.

It's a house I've never

been in before.

As soon as I walk in,

I look at everything around me.

I'm walking into

a new environment,

I take a 360,

and I take it in.

I look for escape routes.

My wife don't

look at nothin'.

My wife's in the clouds.

She's just walking.

Could be

a burning building.

She would,

"Whoa, wow, it's hot.

Think I'll try over here."

So I see the guy

right away.

He's got a T-shirt, #Dad.

Then he tells me, "Can you

take your shoes off, please?

This is a shoe-free

environment."

I said, "What the fuck

did you just tell me to do?"

Shoes don't come off.

My shoes come on once a night.

That's it.

I know some of you aren't

even feeling this right now

'cause you do this to people.

Don't do this.

Do not do this

to grown people.

All right? You're

sitting there going,

"Wh-wh-what's wrong with that?

We have people take

their shoes off all the ti--

We have white carpet."

Why you got white carpet?

Why?

And my wife knows how I feel

about the shoe thing.

She taps me. She's like,

"Just take them off.

Take them off.

These are nice people."

So now I gotta remove my shoes

in front of two people

I just met.

Try and hold a conversation.

It's strange, you know?

"So how long have

you lived here?"

So I dropped my shoes

in the shoe farm.

Now I'm walking around

a stranger's house

in my socks.

Meeting other grown men

in their socks.

"Hey, how--?"

There's four guys

in a sock circle.

One guy came up,

he was barefoot.

I almost threw up

in my mouth.

The guy was barefoot.

He wanted to talk

serious topics.

He's like, "What do you

think of ISIS?"

I said, "What do you think

about putting some socks?"

Ah!

[Whistling]

"ISIS is the least

of your concerns."

The bunion on this guy

was so large,

his big toe was headed

for the kitchen.

You're showcasing

this tonight?

What happened to you?

But my wife's voice

is in the back of my head.

Be friendly. Be open.

Smile.

So it's a group of guys.

They all know each other.

They don't know me.

They all went

to college together.

They're in their mid-40s.

I'm just summing everything up

as I'm listening, huh?

Okay, here's this.

This is this. I got this.

But they're reminiscing

about the college years

because they're unhappy

in their life right now.

We all know these people

in their mid-40s.

They gotta go back about

25 years to figure out,

"Hey." And they always

refer to each other

by their last name.

"Hey, Schmitty, remember?

Remember college?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Beer bong? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pissing in the yard?"

Yeah, that's the type of guys

that do fantasy football.

That's all they do.

"Hey, how's your receivers?"

"Oh, my receivers

are really good this year."

So I break out of that.

I start making my way

to the kitchen.

Now I start noticing

baby gates

all over the house.

Take the baby gates down

when you got people over.

It's weird. Now I'm walking

around the house...

So I go right to the kitchen

'cause I'm hungry.

There's no food.

They got nothing to pick on.

I become very concerned.

You have to understand

something

about the way I grew up.

I grew up in a house,

there was food everywhere.

Every two feet,

you just bump in...

So good.

I had a grandmother

who lived in the basement

just cranking out lasagnas.

It was like a lasagna factory

in the basement.

Food just kept coming up

the stairs for no reason.

There was meat hanging

from the ceiling.

There was a sauce room

with a bunch of dates

on masking tape.

It's all this woman did

was cook.

My grandmother never had a job.

She just cooked in the basement

with a salmon-colored nightgown

with her tits

hanging out the side.

Didn't even use a spoon.

Just her hand.

Nylons up to the knee.

Her fat foot shoved

in a shoe.

Little white shoe

with a strap

with the fat trying to escape

any part of the shoe.

My grandmother had

so much sodium in her diet,

she was constantly swollen.

There was no allergies

back then.

You just ate the bread

and just dealt with the rash.

Grandma didn't speak nothin'.

No English. Nothin'.

She'd always come,

you know,

try to find me

in the house.

[Imitates Italian]

"I feed you meal.

Come here.

I got spare. I give it.

Here take it.

Take it. It for you."

It's a dime.

We called her Grandma.

That was her name.

Grandma.

No stupid nickname

for my grandmother.

Ever hear how people refer

to their grandparents?

"Oh, this is my memaw

and my peepaw." What?

"This is my pee pee

and my poo poo." Huh?

The guy's 95 years old.

He fought in World War II.

Stormed the beach at Normandy.

Now his name is Pee Pee?

What are you doing

to the man?

Have some respect.

My grandfather was my hero.

My grandfather

could do anything.

This guy had seven,

eight different jobs.

He could make you

a pair of shoes overnight.

What man could do that today,

with the, "Hey, hey,

how's your receivers?"

My grandfather just lived

in the yard like a man.

Just... no shirt.

No shirt on my grandfather.

Just hair everywhere.

Coming off his shoulders

like a palm tree.

Right out of his nipples

like weeping willows.

Just 12 inches of immigrant hair

coming right out of his tits.

He would sweat like a pig,

my grandfather.

He would do eight hours

of yard work.

He would come back in.

Within his chest hair

were grass clippings,

ants, twigs,

dirt between the fat roll.

He'd go right

for the watermelon.

My grandfather, that's all

he did was eat watermelon.

And the way he prepared it

was a lot different

than my American friends.

When we went over to

our American friend's house

for watermelon,

it was unbelievable,

the presentation they did.

The mother actually

balled out the watermelon.

She had a baller.

Seedless watermelon.

She took her time

to make balls

in a little Tupperware thing.

And the kids would come in.

She would put out

the Tupperware

with the balls with toothpicks.

So you'd come in,

you would get your toothpick,

you would stab your ball.

"Oh, Mrs. Johnson, this

is really sweet watermelon.

Where did you get that?"

Not my grandfather.

He came to the table

with a large watermelon

with a serrated machete

hanging off his hip.

Start cutting large triangles

for the family.

[Imitates thudding]

Heh, here ya are!

[Audience cheers]

He would distribute triangles

that no one could handle

on paper plates.

God knows why the hell

they used paper plates

for watermelon.

Ever watch your family

eat watermelon?

It's disgusting.

Seeds are flying

all over the table.

You get hit in the head

with a stray seed.

So we're at this party.

I gotta go find my wife.

Now my wife, I find her

in a compliment circle

with six other women.

They're comparing notes.

They're complimenting

each other on the outfits.

"Oh, are those gel nails?"

"Yeah, they're gel nails.

It's the bronzer.

All the bronzer..."

So I tell my wife, I go,

"Get over here. Come here."

I go, "We gotta

get outta here.

There's no food."

She like, "What are you

talking about?"

There's six chicken wings

and 33 people.

Can I have a wing?

I don't wanna have

to do math at a party.

I threw a barbecue last week.

12 burgers. 12 people.

12 slices of tomato.

What if I want another slice?

I don't want to have to count

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

Can I have two, or am I

stealing from somebody else?

Well, my wife's Jewish.

A different, uh...

different culture.

When you marry

into a Jewish family,

I'm telling you, anything,

if you have any differences

in culture, religion,

it's an adjustment.

For example,

when we got married,

we had a rabbi and a priest.

Total scam.

Total scam.

We met them at a restaurant.

They were gonna tell us

how the ceremony

was gonna work.

And the Jewish rabbi

was there very early.

Had a lot of paperwork

for us to sign.

Of course, my father,

"Don't sign nothing!

You sign that,

then you're Jewish."

We had an Italian priest.

He came 45 minutes late.

Didn't even look like a priest.

No collar. Nothing.

Everything unbuttoned.

Smelled phenomenal.

Hitting on my wife.

"Everything all right?"

Now we get married.

My wife likes different things.

She likes shopping

different places.

She loves Whole Foods.

That's her store.

She sends me there

every once in a while.

Can't stand going in.

She goes, "Babe,

can you go to Whole--"

"I-- I-- I don't

wanna go there."

The people over there bother me.

You ever go to Whole Foods?

Everybody at Whole Foods

looks like

they make their own clothes.

Right? There's hemp clothing,

comes in two colors,

oatmeal and throw up.

Everybody's eating seeds.

They get serious

when they ask a question.

They gotta hold their heart.

They come up

to the meat counter,

"Is it organic?

Is it farm to table?

Do the chickens

have friends

and do they play well

with one another?"

Gets weird. In the middle

of the store, it changes.

It goes from fruits

and vegetables

to soaps and potions.

Nobody knows what

they're doing in this section.

You just kind of end up

in there.

"Oh, wow.

I don't recognize

anything in here.

I gotta get out of here."

There's always a person

walking around

with a little vial,

trying to find,

"What does this do?

What is this?"

And some hippie

that works there

falls out

of the shelving unit.

"Well, that's argan oil.

That's argan oil.

It has multiple uses.

You could drizzle

a bit on your salads.

It helps with digestion.

Also, put some underneath

your nose.

It opens up your nasal way.

And lastly, if you have

a rash on your asshole,

just pepper some in.

Just... Absolutely.

Preferably in the morning.

It clears up by the afternoon.

It's $8,000 for the vial.

Just check out, if you like."

The store is weird.

The problem is

everybody over there

thinks they're saving

the planet.

It's the big green movement

at Whole Foods.

And if you're doing

the green thing,

God bless you. I've tried.

It's just not for me.

It's... I've got friends

that brag

about how green they are.

You go to their house,

they're like, "Look at the--

Look at the light bulbs

in my-- in my kitchen.

I'm saving, uh, 53 %

on my electricity bill

'cause I got green light bulbs."

I go, "Yeah? I can't see you.

You are dim. You're dim."

Now, at Whole Foods,

they make you feel bad.

God forbid you get a bag.

I ask for a bag.

The guys says,

"Are you gonna take a...?

Take a bag

and destroy our planet?"

I go, "I don't know.

I got 93 items.

What do you want

me to do? Just--"

It's weird over there.

They got a masseuse.

There's a masseuse propped up

in the store just...

rubbing some guy's scapula.

What?

He don't even know

where to look.

He's trying to figure out,

"How the hell did I end up

at Whole Foods, massaging people

near the lavender chips?"

What...?

I've never told my wife, "Babe,

I gotta go get some grapes.

And I got a knot

in my neck so bad.

I hope he's in aisle eight."

So different, my wife and I.

My wife loves Halloween.

That's her, uh...

that's her deal.

She loves giving out

candy to the kids.

Now, my house,

before I met my wife,

dark on Halloween.

Shut the shit down.

But, you know,

you're married now.

You gotta,

"Oh, yeah, let's do it."

We get the bowl.

We get ready

for our trick-or-treaters.

I was into it at first.

I was into it.

I go, "Okay,

I'm gonna do this."

So the kids start

coming up to the door.

No outfits. Nothing.

No "trick-or-treat."

You put one in.

"That's it? That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it!"

I look on the sidewalk,

the parents are there.

Both parents.

The mother and the father.

The father's got a wagon, drunk.

All right, a keg in the thing.

Telling his kid,

"Get in. Get in.

We're going

to the next house."

Halloween brings out

the neighbors, though.

Man, my neighbors come out.

I'm not neighborly.

That's not me.

I don't, you know...

I'm friendly,

but I'm not neighborly.

I don't come out of my house

and wave if I see the guy

across the street.

You know,

you see a lot of people,

"Hey! Hi, Frank!

How's it going?

The lawn looks good.

Looks good."

That ain't me.

I come out of my house,

head down,

hop in the car.

Gone. Gone!

This woman across the street,

God... always in our business.

I can't stand her.

Can't stand her.

She was coming over.

I saw her through the window.

I said, "Look at this.

Here she comes.

Here she comes."

She comes over, she's like,

"I noticed you're not part

of the teal pumpkin program."

I said, "What's that?"

"Well, you paint

a pumpkin teal green

and that signifies

that your home hands out

non-food items.

So we are handing out

spider rings,

necklaces, notepads."

I said, "Get the fuck

off my porch.

Go home.

Go."

This is Halloween, I got

Kit Kats and Snicker bars.

The city is handing out

notepads?

Could you imagine a poor kid

comes home with a notepad.

All of his buddies

are eating Reese's Pieces.

He's in the corner

taking note.

Even the way we do

vacations is different.

My wife loves activities

on vacation.

I don't like that.

I like to go--

My idea of vacation,

you eat, you drink,

you lay down.

Yeah, that's it.

[Whistles]

I don't do tours.

You sign up for a tour

with the 16 strangers.

You see it around

New York City.

The Chinese

with the flags and...

"Follow the yellow flag

if you get lost."

They all got

their earmuffs on.

They're listening

to some recorded message.

"The Empire State Building

was built..."

I don't do that.

I don't do it.

So we planned the vacation.

We went to Turkey.

It was two years ago.

I recommend it.

Not now.

Even two years ago,

it was volatile.

We're watching the news,

a bomb went off

next to the hotel

that we were gonna stay at.

So we became concerned.

I called. I called Turkey.

I called the hotel.

I go, "Hi, uh, we're

a little concerned here.

Just saw that a bomb went off

next to the hotel."

And the guy's like,

"No, it...

Come on, it's to the side."

What?

"No, it... they don't come here.

We are eating tabbouleh,

and we are dancing

in the streets."

I go, "People are on fire

in front of your hotel.

Is it safe? Is it safe?"

So like idiots, we go.

"Oh, it'll be good.

It'll be good."

So my wife signs us up

for a Turkish bath.

I said, "Okay, that sounds...

How bad could a bath be?"

I said, "I'll go to that."

So we get there.

She goes to her side.

I go to my side.

I'm greeted

by a, uh, Turkish boy.

He's 14 years old.

He doesn't

speak English well, you know?

He comes up to me, he's like,

"Hello, my name is Hassan.

You-- you want to come?"

I go, "What?

I got the bath.

Where's the bath?"

So he takes me to,

like, a dressing room.

He gives me a towel.

It's not even a towel.

It's like a dish rag.

I like towels.

I like big towels.

A lot of excess

so I could tuck it.

It's like a dish rag.

I gotta hold it together.

So now I gotta come

into the waiting room.

I know my left nut's

hanging out for sure.

I see my boy.

He's got a towel on.

Now I'm like,

"Why are your nuts out and mine?

What is happening here?"

I'm trying to figure out,

did my wife check

the wrong box?

What's...?

Where's the tub?

Now he takes me, he goes,

"I'm going to wash."

I go, "Me? I..."

He goes, "Yes, I wash."

I go, "I thought this was,

like, a tub where you..."

And he takes me into a room.

It's a communal room

with men everywhere,

naked with suds,

and little boys

just scrubbing with mitts.

I go, "God, is this

on my plan?"

What?

He takes me to the side,

he sits me on a tuffet.

He's looking right at me,

and he's got

a little pail of water.

And he starts chucking it

at my face, just--

I felt like I was

getting waterboarded.

I was ready to tell this kid

my deepest secrets.

Just, "Don't, don't, don't."

Then he takes me to a room.

Small. I go, "Oh, God,

what's this all about?"

It's a massage table.

He lays me down.

Puts my head in the donut.

Starts working my shoulders.

Now, I'm sitting there,

I'm looking at his feet.

And after two minutes,

the feet disappear.

I'm like, "What the...?"

The guy hopped up on the bed.

His testicles were on my neck.

Now he takes me

back to the locker room.

Everybody in there,

every man in there is ashamed.

Everybody's just dressing

themselves.

Nobody's making eye contact.

So I come out. I see my wife.

She's beautiful.

God, she's glowing.

Smile. She's like, "God,

that was so amazing.

It's one of the best

experiences of my life.

How was yours?"

I go, "I was just raped

by a 14-year-old monkey.

I wanna go home.

I wanna go home."

But I love this.

I love doing this.

It's taken me a lot

of different places.

I performed in Italy recently.

- It was a-- It was a--

- [audience cheers]

Yeah, beautiful.

And I took my wife,

and we went,

it was in Tuscany.

Now, we check in

to our hotel room.

We go to the pool, start

looking around the pool.

See a beautiful couple

come down.

Beautiful couple

just on their honeymoon.

You could tell

they had recently married.

Stunning.

The woman

was well put together.

Had a nice sun hat on.

Big brim, nice wedge.

Ladies, get yourself

a nice wedge

for the pool deck.

Had a nice

see through sash.

Beautiful.

Just blew in the wind.

Guy had a nice

swim trunk on.

Right here. Mid-thigh.

Guys, get yourself

a nice trunk

for the season.

You seen some of these men,

they wear this, uh, swim suit

down to the--

What are you wearing? Slacks?

They get out of the pool,

half of the pool's

caught in their legs.

So they get into the pool.

They start to swim as a couple.

I've never seen

anything like it.

She's doing the breaststroke.

Just...

The guy's doing the butterfly.

You know how confident

you have to be

to pull off the butterfly?

I've never seen the butterfly

outside the Olympics.

This guy is doing

a recreational butterfly

on his honeymoon.

You know how violent that is?

The entire pool

looks like a Jacuzzi.

Kids are drowned.

Then I'm looking at these kids.

I don't even know what

they're wearing, these kids.

They're covered from head

to toe, eight-year-old kid.

He's got long sleeves on.

He's got a hat

with flaps over his ears.

SPF 30,000. What the hell?

The kid looks like a mime.

He's got every apparatus on

known to man,

a breathing tube,

goggles, flippers.

What are you looking for?

It's a pool.

There's no coral.

I had none of this growing up.

I asked my father, "Dad, I wanna

look underneath the water."

"Open up your eyes!"

By the end of the vacation,

I was blind,

I couldn't see shit.

So they stopped swimming.

The guy's out of breath.

I'm looking at him,

he got long hair.

The type of hair

you gotta dip in the pool,

then flip back.

Oh, God, soon as I saw that,

I pat my wife, I go,

"We gotta meet this guy.

This guy's sensational."

But I don't know if you

ever talked to somebody

so magnificent before

that you have nothing to share.

I had nothing to tell this guy.

This guy had

multiple careers at 16.

He played in the French Open.

At 32, he had a big law firm.

Now he's running

a big hedge fund.

Then he tells us,

"We summer in Capri.

Where do you summer?"

"Our backyard."

I don't know what the hell

you're talking about.

We take a week off a year.

You got the summers?

[Woman yells]

What's that?

This is not the title

of this one,

but aren't you embarrassed?

[Audience cheers]

While we were there,

we found out

that Andrea Bocelli

was performing in Tuscany.

Anybody know who this is?

Okay.

So we got the tickets.

We got soaked

on the tickets, okay?

Let me tell you something

about tickets

'cause I've been

getting a lot,

especially from

the New York show.

"This is ridiculous.

They're $700 a ticket."

I don't have any control

on the fucking

ticket price.

Okay? I put them on sale,

they gobble them up.

And people sell them.

That's why they're

so damn much.

You think I would do that?

I don't do that.

So I got it on the other end.

I got the Bocelli tickets.

When I heard the price,

inside my body was a shock,

but I had to act

like it was nothing.

You ever get, you know, like,

"Yeah, no, that's all right."

And then I gotta tell my wife,

"Don't eat for three days."

Here you go.

So we go.

It's beautiful.

I couldn't-- I mean,

it was outside.

8,000 people

in the middle of Tuscany.

Rolling hills all around us.

We sit down, the guy comes out,

gives us two hours,

singing his life out.

Ends the concert.

Me and my wife start to leave.

We walk down a gravel road.

We're holding hands.

Everybody's exiting

just talking about the show.

That's what you do.

You go see a show,

and you talk about it

on the way out.

You're gonna do it tonight.

You're gonna go,

"Oh, he was all right.

He was all right.

You wanna get

some ice cream or something?"

So me and my wife,

holding hands, walking down

the gravel road.

Now coming towards us

is a guy telling people

to get the hell

out of the way.

Behind them is Bocelli

on a white horse.

The guy's blind.

There's no safety code.

No city ordinance in Italy.

The guy's blind, riding a horse

through 8,000 people.

Nobody said shit.

Could you imagine tonight

if I had a white stallion

out front

and took it down Broadway?

I'd get pulled over

at the light.

"What the fuck

are you doing?"

"Nah, I saw Bocelli

do it in Tuscany."

God bless you.

You guys have been great.

Thanks for coming out.

I had a blast.

A blast.

Thank you so much.

So nice. So nice.

Love it.

[Electronic music playing]