Scram! (1932) - full transcript

Ordered out of town by angry Judge Beaumont, vagrants Stanley and Oliver meet a congenial drunk who invites them to stay at his luxurious mansion. The drunk can't find his key, but the boys find a way in, sending the surprised woman inside into a faint. They revive her with what they think is water, but is actually gin, and all get tipsy in the process. Outside, the drunk realizes he's at the wrong house and stumbles off. Eventually, the real homeowner arrives, none other than Judge Beaumont.

Extra! Extra!

Well, looks like we're in it.

Gee, I wish I could go.

Go where?

- Why, to war.
- Why can't you go?

There you are! I knew you'd take
that selfish viewpoint.

Why, I'd go in a minute
if it wasn't for my flat feet.

Howdy, young fella,
how about joining our outfit?

Oh, tough luck, old-timer. Can't use you.

Hey, Jim. There's a couple
of good prospects up here.

Be nonchalant.

Here he comes.

Good morning, Captain General.

- Well, how about it?
- How about what?

You know what I mean. How about
getting into one of these uniforms?

I'm awfully sorry but we're incapacitated.


Yes, sir. There's been a lot of it going round.

Just as I expected.

A couple of crummy, no-good slackers.

Talking like that!
You should be ashamed of yourself!

Ashamed of what?

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- You ought to be.

Oh, come on. No hard feelings.

Here. Get yourself a cup of coffee.

Thank you.

It's a fine looking outfit you are!

Look at yourselves!

- Attention!
- Oh-ho-ho!

Now listen!
We're going to try this once more

and when I say "Halt!"

I mean halt!

And halt means to stop!


Squad, right march!


- Splendid
- Thank you, sir.

Forward march!

To the right, turn!

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten, hup!

One, two, three, four!

Why don't you have us do like that?

Fall in! Fall in!

You lunkheads!

I never saw such half-witted mugs
in all my life!

Now, you mugs, I'm going to give you
one more chance.

And if you don't get it right this time,

you're going to get kitchen police
from now on!

When he says turn to the right, go that way.

Follow me.

Squad to the left, march!

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten, hup!

If you'd done as the sergeant told you,
we wouldn't be doing this.

- I knew what to do.
- Well, why didn't you do it?

Well, I just couldn't think of it.

- "Couldn't think of it"!
- Hurry up with those cans.

What do we do with this stuff?

Are you trying to kid somebody?

What do you suppose you do with it?
Take it to the General.

What do you suppose
the General wants with this?

There you go asking questions again.

Why don't you try doing as you're told once?

You've got to follow the curriculum
of the army - with discipline.

Come on. If the General wants it,
he can have it.

Pardon me, boys.

Hey, salad department!

- Hello, Eddie.
- Hi. What have you two been up to now?

We've been promoted
to the culinary platoon.

- Looks like a swill job.
- Aw.

This won't stop you having dinner
with the wife and me Friday?

Oh, not a chance. With good behaviour
we'll be through with this job Thursday.

That's great. Wait till you see my kid.

And will she go crazy about you two.

Hey, Smitty, somebody wants you
in the social hall.

OK, I'll be right there. Don't forget - Friday.

OK, Friday.

- He is a great guy, ain't he?
- He certainly is. I like him.

- Are you the General?
- D-oh.

- Is he home?
- Yes. What do you want?

- I got that stuff for him.
- What stuff?

- Rogers?
- Yes, sir?

- Come come.
- You'd better bring it in.

- Morning, sir.
- Morning.

Rogers, do you smell anything?

No, sir. I've got a cold in me dose.

- No grapefruit this morning, Rogers.
- No, sir.

What's the meaning of this?!

Rogers! Rogers!

Rogers! This one here too!
Take it out of here! Every bit of it!

Rogers! Rogers!

No! No!

Look who's here! Hiya!

Oh, the baby!

Do you love me? Sure you do!
Couldn't the wife come down?

Is there anything I can do?

No. I guess not.

- Poor baby.
- Mm. That's what I'm thinking about.

Poor kid.

It'd be a cinch if I could take her to the folks.

- Can't you?
- No.

We had a fuss when I got married,
so that's out.

We'll get along all right, won't we?

I'll be at the house Friday. We'll talk then.

Goodbye, honey. See you Friday.

Hey, Eddie!

We can't come Friday.

So you told on me, huh?

You did, didn't ya?

OK, you snitches.

Let me tell you something.

Someday I'm gonna catch up
with you guys again.

And when I do I'm gonna have my knife.

And when I've got my knife,

you better never let me find you
in the same state.

Do you get me?!

All right. First squad, outside.
Come on. Up and at 'em, boy.

Go on, get out of there.

Get out of here.

Come on, step on it! Get up!

Will you keep off of me?!

See what that is.

Don't you think it's about time
that we had some fresh water?

That isn't water. That's coffee.

Pour it out and get some clean water.

Not there. Outside.

Coffee! Hm!

Hey, can't you guys lay off
for just a little while?

- What's wrong with him?
- I don't know.

Since he got a letter about the baby
he hasn't been the same.


Something happened to the old woman.
The kid's with strangers.

Why don't he send her to his folks?

That gives me an idea.

- Come here.
- Where are you going?

No place. Come here.

We'll write a letter to his father
to go and get the baby.

- How are you gonna get the address?
- We'll use tact.

Come on, Smith. Get up.
You're out on post. Snap out of it!


- Hi.
- Have a good sleep?

Yeah. Swell.

Say, Eddie, where's the baby living now?

What do you wanna know for?

Well, it's getting close to Christmas...

we thought maybe we'd like
to send a little Christmas present.

Ah, gee. That's darn nice of you guys.

- How about giving us the address?
- Yeah. You'll need that, won't you?

It's on the back of that.
Copy it off and give it back to me.

Er, Eddie, there's another little item.

Er, what is the address
of your father and mother?


Oh. Do you wanna send them
a Christmas present too?

- And how!
- Yeah.

I'm way ahead of you and that's out.

OK, buddy. Take your hole.

About time you were getting here.

I knew your idea was all wet!

- Smith.
- Yeah?


Give 'em hell!

- What's going on?
- Been a raid.

- Did they get anybody, Sergeant?
- Yeah. They got Smith.

They got Eddie.

- Send over a raiding party right away.
- Yes, sir.

Well, who wants to go?

- I'll take a chance, Sarge.
- Never mind.

Congratulations, boys. That's the spirit.

Come on, get going. Let's go.

- Come on.
- Bye, Ollie.

Come on, you too. Let's go. Get outta here.

And don't come back without a prisoner!

Corporal, get two replacements.

- We'll need 'em.
- Yes, Sergeant.

Quick. Let's get in here.
We'll be out of danger.

Do something! Stop it!

Come on, everyone!

Once upon a time, there was a dear little girl

and her name was Cinderella.

And she had...

a stepfather and two ugly sisters.

Oh dear. I don't know the rest,

so you'll have to go to bed now
and I'll tell you it tomorrow.

Miss Annie, is this my daddy?

Yes, that's your daddy.

When is he coming home?

How should I know?

Now stay in the other room
and don't bother me. Run along now.

Mr Jack?

Mr Jack? Where did my daddy...?
Where did my daddy go?

Get outta here. Go on.


Annie! Will you get this brat
out of here so I can sleep?

So you can sleep?

- Too tired to watch her for a minute!
- Shut up!

- No, I won't shut up!
- Shut up!

If it wasn't for the money
you get for that kid, you'd starve!

- So you're starting it again, are ya?
- Yes and I'm not finishing.

- I do everything around here.
- I'm gonna finish it this time for you!

Get in that kitchen, go on!

Oh, Daddy! Why don't you come
and take me away from here?

Come here. Come outta there.

- Please don't...
- You're to blame for all this.

Come in.

- Good morning.
- What do you want?

- Is that Eddie Smith's baby?
- Yeah. What of it?

Oh, come here. My goodness.

Just like Eddie.

Hey! What's the big idea?

- We've come to take her away.
- Yeah? Who are you?

Why, I'm Mr Hardy
and this is my friend, Mr Laurel.

Who gave you the authority to take her?

- We are friends of her father.
- Yeah? Well, I don't know you two mugs.

And you ain't gonna take the kid
outta the house. See?

- What are you gonna do about it?
- What am I gonna do?


Do that again.

Sit there, honey.


Hey, Jerry! Two guys beating it
with the kid. Get 'em!

- What's the matter, Jack?
- Give those two monkeys the works.


Do something to help me here!

Hey, get the baby and let's beat it!

Now what are we going to do?

- Find Mr Smith.
- You don't know where he lives.

Leave that to me.
It's the simplest thing in the world.

Come on. Come on.

Pardon me, Officer.
Could you tell us where Mr Smith lives?

- Smith?
- Yes.

Smith. Let me think.

- What Smith?
- It's Eddie's father.

- Eddie who?
- The father of this child.

Yes. What's his name?

- Who?
- Why, the father of this child.

- That's who you're looking for.
- Oh, no, sir.

The man we're looking for
is the father of the father of this child.

Oh, now I understand you.

- The grandfather is lost.
- Yes, sir... No, sir.

- He's not lost.
- No?

- So why are you looking for him?
- We're not, we're just trying to find him.

- He doesn't know about the baby.
- He doesn't?

- We were in France together...
- Yes. Wait just a minute, boys.

Relax, would you, please? Relax.
Come here, darling.

Now, sweetheart. Can you tell me
who these gentlemen are looking for?

- Mr Smith.
- Mr Smith? Well, isn't that fine?

- Now, honey. Where does he live?
- Who?

If you boys get a city directory,
you'll save yourself a lot of trouble.

Come on.

Why did you stop him in the first place?

- Is this the place?
- 543.

Is Mr Smith home?

I'm Mr Smith.

Are you Eddie's father?

Eddie who?

We won't go into that.
We've made a little mistake.

- Oh, that's all right. That's all right.
- All right.

Come, sweetheart.

- Is Mr Smith in?
- Yeah.

- Hey, Steamboat. Someone to see you.
- OK.

- Are you Mr Smith?
- Yeah. What of it?

This is your son's baby.

- My son's baby?
- Yes, sir.

Blackmailers, eh?

What's the next address?

311 Chester Drive.

Come on.

What a handsome bridegroom!

Put it in its proper place.

I can't help it, Papa. I feel all kinda funny.

How's the bridegroom holding up?

A little weak but we'll get him there.

Eddie, I'm very proud
to welcome you into my family

and I know that you and my daughter
are going to be very happy.

Thank you, Mr Hathaway.

- The bride is ready, sir.
- All right. Shall we go?

Yes. Now don't be nervous, my boy.

Go ahead.

Telegram for Mr Smith.

Smith? Smith hasn't lived here in four years.

- Where's he moved to?
- I haven't the least idea.

- Is this 311 Chester Drive?
- Yes.

- Thank you, sir.
- You're welcome.

Wait a minute. I'll do this.
You've gotten us into enough trouble.

- What do you want?
- Can we see the master of the house?

He's very busy and can't see you.

He'll see us.
Tell him we've got Eddie's baby.

Yes, sir.

- Eddie's baby?
- Yes, sir.

Don't go away. Please wait
just a moment. Just a moment.

- We are gathered...
- Pardon me.

- Pardon me. Pardon me!
- We are gathered...

- What's this?
- Are you the master of the house?

- I am.
- We brought you Eddie's baby.

- Eddie's baby?
- Yes, sir.

This is unbelievable!

I knew you'd be surprised.

- Eddie didn't want us to bring her.
- He wouldn't!

Come with me, my dear. Come with me.

Don't go away. Don't go away!

- Get out of my way!
- Yes, sir.


What's the meaning of this?

You don't know, huh?!
Well, that monkey is the father of this child!

- Well, fan my brow!
- I'll fan your...!

- The wedding is off!
- Now look here...

I didn't want to say anything
but I knew it all the time.

I've never been so mad in all my life!

- I think this is a frame-up!
- A frame-up, eh?

Just a minute.

- Who says that I'm the father?
- Who says so?

Oh, playing the innocent, are you?

Parkins, bring those two men in here.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir!

Yes, sir!

Will you come right in, sir?
Come right in, please.

Here they are, sir.

Is this or is this not Eddie's baby?

- It certainly is.
- Deny that if you can!

- It's a lie!
- You blackguard!

You bluebeard!

Now, Father, it's a frame-up!
It's not possible!

Oh. How could I ever thank you?

You have saved the family's name.

Oh, Pop! No, Pop!

No, Pop! Let me explain!

Wait a minute, Pop!

What's the trouble, Mr Smith?

Why those people are... Smith?!

Yes, sir.

- Did you call me Mr Smith?
- Yes, sir.


my Winchester.

- Yes, sir.
- My name is not Smith.

It's Hathaway.

I'm afraid we've made a little faux pas.

I'm afraid that you have!

- I'm sorry for any inconvenience.
- Quite all right.

The next address is 49 Colebrook Avenue.

It's just around...

From now on, we'll telephone. Come on!

I'm awfully sorry.

What's the matter, Uncle Ollie?

I must have called up 10,000 Smiths.

Where is Uncle Stan?

Uncle Stan left town early this morning.

- What for?
- He's going to find your grandparents.

I hope he doesn't find them.

You go ahead and play because
Uncle Ollie's got a lot of work to do.

Uncle Ollie.

You went boom!

Uncle Stan! I've been waiting for you!

- Any luck?
- Not a bit.

- Where'd you go?
- Eh?

- Where'd you go?
- All the way to Poughkeepsie.

And that ain't them.

You mean to tell me you went all the way
down there to see these two?

I thought it might be them.

Wasting your time like that
while I'm here slaving all day.

Why don't you do something to help me?

- What can I do?
- You can take care of the baby.

I've got my ironing to do.

The Smith Brothers. Oh!

I've got a new bedtime story to tell you.

All right.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl
and her name was Goldilocks.

And she lived at home
with her mummy and her daddy.

And she went way out in the woods.


she went to the field
where the three bears lived.

And she...

When she went to the three bears' house,

she saw three bowls of porridge
on the table.

And she tried them all

but only the baby bear's...

Only the baby bear's porridge was good

and she ate it all up.

Well, then she saw some chairs

and she tried all the chairs

but only the baby bear's chair
was comfortable.

So she sat right down and it broke.



She went upstairs.

And she saw three beds.

And she tried all the beds
but only the baby bear's bed was comfy.

So she went fast asleep.

And then she...

Presently the three bears came home.

And the father bear said,

"Who's been sitting eating my porridge,
I should like to know?"

The mother bear said, "Who's been tasting
my porridge, I should like to know?"

Then the baby bear said, "Who's been
eating my porridge and eaten it all up?"

And then they went to sit down.

The father bear said, "Who's been sitting
in my chair, I should like to know?"

The mother bear said, "Who's been sitting
in my chair, I should like to know?"

And the baby bear said, "Who's been sitting
in my chair, I should like to know?"


And... And then...

Get up and put that baby to bed.

What are you trying to do?

They still have the child in their possession?


They run that lunch wagon at the corner
of Second Avenue and 16th Street.

Thank you for the information.
I'll take care of it immediately.

Scat! Scat!

- Give me a cigar.
- Yes, sir. Nice cigar.

There you are, sir.


- Hi!
- Well, well, well, well!

She said just let me come and see
her uncles before we went for a walk.

- Take care of her, Mrs MacTavish.
- Don't you worry.

I'll take care of her
as though she were my own lassie.

- Have a nice time.
- Wait. I've got something for you.

Guess which hand it's in
and I'll give it to you.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Bye, Uncle Stan.
- Goodbye!

- Bye!
- Bye, Uncle Ollie!

- Goodbye!
- Bye!

Bye, darling!

Good morning, sir.

- I want some information.
- We have hamburgers, frankfurters...

No. That is not the information that I desire.

It has come to my attention that you have
a child to which you have no legal right.

What's it to you?

As an officer in the East Side
Welfare Association,

I intend to place that child
in an orphanage where she belongs.

Over our dead body
you'll put her in an orphanage.

You mean you refuse to give her up?

We certainly do. Mm.

Very well. I'll swear out a warrant
for your arrest.

I'll have that child in the orphanage tonight.

How much will you charge me
to haunt a house?

- He can't do that, can he?
- You heard what he said.

Let's move to another street
so they can't find us.

Another street?!
We've got to get to another state!

I wish we hadn't bought the wagon.

- Drive to the First National Bank.
- What for?

- We'll refinance our business.
- What about the wagon?

Drive me to the bank
and don't ask any more questions!

I'll pack up on the way.
And listen - don't hit anything.

Get me some cigars. Let's do this right.

Fix your tie. You look terrible.

Come on.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Thank you.
- Are you the president?

- No. What is your business?
- Our business is with the president.

- Have you an appointment?
- No.

- I'm sorry, but you can't see him.
- What do you mean?

- You can't see him.
- We can if we want...

I'll take care of this. You can't talk to us...

- I said you can't see the president.
- Just a minute, Saunders.

Don't you think
you're exceeding your authority?

My office is open to the public at all times.

Gentlemen, step this way, please.

Come right in, gentlemen.

- Have a cigar.
- Thank you.

- Won't you sit down?
- Thank you.

Pardon me. Just a slight mistake.

- Have a cigar.
- That's quite all right.

Now, to get on to business.

- Yes, er...?
- Pardon me just a moment.

Give me another weenie.

Now, gentlemen, what can I do for you?

Why, we'd like to negotiate a little loan.

Hm. Have you any collateral?

I'm sorry. We haven't any collateral.

We figure to put up our business
as security.

- What is your business?
- Restaurants.

- Here in town?
- Oh, all over town.

Here, there and... thither.

- Chain business.
- No. Restaurant.

You'll have to pardon my friend.

He's not familiar with
big business deals.

That's quite all right.
What is the name of your firm?

"Laurel and Hardy, caterers to the elite. "

How much do you require?

I think a couple of thousand dollars
would tide us over.

I don't think we'll have any
difficulty about this, gentlemen.

If you'll give me a little time on it,

I'll have our appraiser drop in
and see you tomorrow.

- We can't wait till tomorrow.
- I know.

And is that part of your business?

Part of it? That's all of it.

- All of it?
- Yes, sir.

Now that's settled,
could we have the money right away?

To lend you $2,000 on a business like that,

I'd have to be unconscious!

Look, he's unconscious.

It's a good thing you stopped.
I've been chasing you for three blocks.

Here. You dropped this up there.

- What's the matter with him?
- The sudden shock. This is his life savings.

- Put it in the bank.
- Yes, sir. We will.

Thank you very much. Goodbye, sir.

- What's the matter?
- I heard your house is on fire.

You better get there quick!

- What house?
- I told her that to get rid of her.

Get packed. We've got to get out of here.

Come on, sweetheart. You stay right there.

Oh, I've gotta hide! Ooh!

Lie there. Stay covered and don't move.

- What are you trying to do?
- I got locked in.

Why didn't you tell me it was you?

It was so dark, I didn't think you'd hear.
I was scared!

Get that trunk packed. They're coming.

Can you tell me where the two men
live who run that lunch counter?

Yeah. Over there in the brownstone.

- Oh! Quick!
- What's the matter?

Look! They're coming.

We've got to get her out of here. Take her.

- Let's hide her up the chimney.
- We can't do that.

We've got to hide her somewhere...
Get out of there.

I have it. Put her in the dumb waiter.
I'll get things cleaned up.

Be nonchalant.

Not here. Somewhere else.

Come in.

Good afternoon.

Getting ready to leave, eh?

I guess we're just in time.

- Where's that baby?
- What baby?

Search the place. Get off.

Come on, get out of here.

Come out of there.
That's no place for you to play in.

Go and sit over there.

Try the kitchen. Watch that door.

Get away!

Well, I guess the game is up.

I thought you'd come to your senses.
Where is she?

- Up on the roof.
- Get that ladder.

- I didn't put her up on the roof...
- Shut up!

Open that door!

Quick, go down in the dumb waiter.
Send it back for me.

Open in the name of the law!

Hurry and send it up.

Open the door in the name of the law!


Oh, hurry! Hey, hey, hey! Send it up!

Quick! Downstairs!

Quick, let's hide.


- Did you see them?
- They didn't come out here.

Watch the side entrance.
We'll search the basement.

Search that coal vent.

Get outta here! Come on!

Here they are. Now, don't get excited, dear.

Is this the pair, sir?

Yes. That's them.

Did you get the money?

Here you are, sir.

- Come on, you two. Get going!
- Wait a minute.

- Is this boy with you Eddie Smith?
- Sure.

- Mother?
- Yes, dear?

Look here.

- My boy!
- Yes.

- Are you Eddie's father?
- Yes.

Well, can you beat that?

We've been looking for you for months.

- You have?
- That's Eddie's baby.

What?! Why...

Oh dear...

Eddie's baby. Oh, darling!

Oh, Officer. Release these gentlemen.

- Dinner is served, sir.
- Arrange for three more, Meadows.

Very good, sir.

We had a lot of trouble finding you,
Mr Smith.

Well, boys, you can pack up
your troubles from now on!

Isn't that great? No more troubles.

No more...

What-Whatever's the matter, Pierre?

Listen. If you want company for dinner,
you can cook it yourself.


Well, if it ain't the snitchers.

And I've got my knife!