Scottish Mussel (2015) - full transcript

Ritchie is a Glaswegian chancer with low hopes and no prospects. Disillusioned with city life, he goes undercover at a Highland conservation centre to make his fortune as an illegal pearl fisher with the help of his two hapless and accident prone mates, Danny and Fraser. Here he meets Beth, a pretty English conservationist passionate about saving endangered mussels from the clutches of pearl thieves in the Scottish Highlands. Falling for her instantly, Ritchie must beat off competition in the form of Highland Ranger Ethan, a smooth talking American Adonis convinced that Beth can't resist his charms forever. After the success of pearl fishing attracts the unwanted attentions of old school Glaswegian mobster Gavin and his work at the centre leads him to question his true motivations, Ritchie must risk life and limb to save the Highlands from ecological disaster and win Beth's heart.

Desolation and deprivation
as far as the eye can see.

Who needs downers when
you live in Govan, ay?

She's beautiful man.



The weed's addled your brain.

To you?

Nah, just makes me depressed.

You're Scottish, you're
supposed to be depressed.

I didn't know that.

You find that too
happy then, Ritchie?

Maybe I should try the skunk,

but you know, pot's
bad for my asthma.

Thanks, Ritchie.

Get yourselves to school
or you'll end up like Fraser.

- There's no service.
- What do you expect up here?

Danny boy, you ready?



Ay, ready as I'll ever be.

Are you wee bastards expecting

Danny here to clock out early?

I do have standards you know.

We're going to visit
Ritchie's Aunt Nettie.

Family's important, I
should know, I don't have one.

Here I am a successful
businessman,

and sometimes I
think I'd swap it all

for the gentle caress
of a loving woman.

Ah, don't do
yourself down, Bill.

Man's legacy's more important
than transient pleasure.

Transient pleasure's
proved elusive to me.

Cannae understand why.

Come on.

Come on boys,
it's not that heavy.

Help.

Oh, careful with it.

Get it,
get it, get it, get it.

Found one, jackpot.

Oh.

Oh.

Ow!

That was dangerous.

They were warning shots,

they aimed at the
ground in front of us.

Gangsters with machine
guns don't take aim,

they just point and let rip.

Gangsters?

It's the usual, it's
pearl thieves, poachers.

What this fine
law enforcement officer says

is true, Beth.

Uzis mean a whole new
kind of pearl pirate.

Machine gun-wielding,
inner city criminals

with no mores and no morals.

River rapists.

You told me yourself, Beth.

Scottish pearls are
worth more than diamonds.

I need you to be careful,
no foolish risks.

Are you sure you
can't identify them?

Three guys in a white transit,
that's all I can tell you.

It's good to have
you on the case.

I'll see you soon.

So you don't believe PC
Dougie's gangster theory, then?

Poor man, I'll just
invite him back in

for a wee shot of malt.

Fiona, it's not even 10 a.m.

Fine, I'm a people person,

you're a mollusk
person, that's fine.

I'm a people person.

People like me.

I'm not saying
you're a stuck up cow

with misanthropic tendencies,

but you're not what
I'd call, cuddly,

you're a bit scratchy.

Bad day.

Be on the lookout

for three Caucasian males, 20s,

driving a white transit van.

Last seen Aberfeldy,
armed and dangerous.

Hiya, just here to
see Nettie Willis.

This your van?

Ay.

You know that white
van you're after?

You're good boys

to bother with an old woman.

Aye, it's nae bother.

It's a nice run out here.

To the middle of nowhere?

It's an absolute liberty,

building these places
miles from civilization.

I wanted to make your
journey worthwhile.

What you doing, getting
me nicked on the way out?

A gift from me and the girls,

we cook 'em up in the kitchen.

It's all the caffeine
and all the Viagra

you've had in your life,

rolled into one little pill.

Nice one.

There's a wee favor you
boys can do for me in return.

Maybe you can check
on my country cottage,

'cause my tenant
involuntarily absented.

It's all very easy, just
check for deliveries,

and water the plants.

I don't even like caffeine,

and Viagra, that's for old men.

That's an insult
is what that is.

We'll sell 'em down the pub.

Oh, look at that, swat cops.

Wonder
who they're after.

Armed police, put your
hands above your head.

- Stand still!
- Ooh!

Suspects secure, move in.

It's them, it's them,

it's definitely them.

I'm telling you it's not them.

Oh yeah, you said
you weren't certain

you'll be able to
identify them again.

How can you be so sure?

Because the men that shot
at us were big, muscular,

and had an air of genuine
threat about them.

I mean, these boys don't have
the nous to be pearl thieves,

look at them.

He's alright.

Put them back
wherever they belong.

We need to get back to
clearing up the mess.

Whew.

- Why will no one hold me Danny?
- Get off me.

It's kiss and
cuddles times, snuggle me man.

Get off me you dafty.

- I love you.
- Keep your hands to yourself.

Horny, horny.

Music, music, alright.

Danny, watch this
lunatic will you?

Oh.

Hello again.

What are you doing here?

I don't know, just heading
back to where we belong.

As long as you're
not returning to the
scene of the crime.

I'm doing the kill count,
trying to find survivors.

Sorry.

It's okay, he'd
already been gutted.

For what, 400, 500
pounds at best.

What about that one?

He's alive.

Um.

- Ah.
- No way.

What are you doing?

I'm putting him
back where he belongs.

Huh?

As long as he can
handle the shock,

he should be fine.

You saved him.

You know, just doing my bit.

Hasselhoff.

Has he been down
there that whole time?

He's very good at
holding his breath.

I know you, right?

From the line-up, right?

Classic case of mistaken
identity, no harm no foul.

I'm Beth and this is Ethan.

Hi.

Ritchie.

So, how many did they get?

About a hundred.

That's a lot of pearls.

Well, there's not a
pearl in every shell.

Still, must be
worth their while, ay?

If the destruction of
an endangered species

in exchange for
meager compensation

can be considered
worthwhile, then yes.

It's nice seeing you.

Brace looks great Albert,

but three whiplash
claims in a month

is borderline suspicious.

Good man.

- Here you go Danny.
- Cheers.

So those beautiful river
people were conservationists.

That means they like
to talk a lot, right?

She was well fit,
and that bikini.

Posh bird, she wouldn't
give us the time of day.

What're you lookin' at?

Nothing Gavin,
I wasn't looking.

Well, don't.

Otherwise Murray here
will rip your head off

and throw it in your face.

Come on out of there.

Poor bastards.

That's us in a few years' time.

No chance.

We're smart enough
to know what happens

if we sat at Gavin's
favorite table.

Not smart, scared.

And there it is,
another night gone.

Do you know Scotland's
got a squirrel tsar?

What's a tsar?

Oh.

A powerful ruler, a
protector, like a king.

There's a king squirrel?

No, you dafty.

It's a human being,

it's like a guy appointed
to protect red squirrels.

Says here they're
nearly extinct,

not as close as
Scottish mussels.

And you care 'cause?

'Cause we,

me hearties, we are going
to become pearl pirates.

- Pirates?
- Pirates, that's right.

And we need to move fast
before there's none left.

What, you'd be nabbed as soon

as you set foot
on the river bank.

Pearl fishing is
totally illegal.

Just because
something's illegal

doesn't mean you don't do it.

I know that is true,

and I think the more illegal
the better in some ways.

Why would your Aunt Nettie
have a place like this?

She hates being away
from civilization.

Restricted choices of

the economically
challenged, brother.

What?

Poverty.

Now that we're here,
and we are near the river.

Ritchie, let's just do
what we came here to do.

If I end up doing time,

it's going to be for
something worthwhile,

not poaching a few fish.

Fair enough.

Jesus.

Water the plants, she said.

Collect the mail,
water the plants.

Oh shite.

Is that the cops again?

Your Aunt Nettie.

Here?

She's always getting
me in trouble.

Calm down, will you?

Destroy the
evidence, destroy it.

Oh.

Can I help ya?

You can start by explaining
the illegal hydroponics lab

you've got in there.

Detective Inspector Whitehead,

I'm with the Perth
and Kinross CID.

Well.

I'm just kidding.

Are you Ritchie?

- Ay.
- Nettie told me to expect ya.

Come here.

Leon Whitehead.

Nettie provides me with the
good stuff, and lots of it.

Now, it's important to me
that nothing goes wrong,

so you're not going
to screw it up are ya?

'Cause you look like a screw up.

No.

Oh no, no bother ya, your
skunk's safe with me.

Aye.

What about those two?

They look like a
pair of imbeciles.

Nah, just one of
them's an imbecile.

Beautiful up here, ay?

It's a boring shite hole.

I'm up here for the fishery.

What fishery?

Loch Tay Fishery, one of my
less successful investments.

Ay, I'm looking to
offload it actually,

so if you've got a couple
of hundred grand spare

and fancy looking after
some Ukrainian nee' do wells

and owning 10s of thousands
of delicious salmon,

and some ugly ass
shellfish, then.

Just

get me some green,

and be quick about it.

Stinks of chemicals.

Quiet will you.

If we get caught by
Leon's Ukrainians,

we'll be swimming
with the shellfish.

Right,

go on,

get us that wire, go.

Go, go, go.

Oh yes, you beauty wee man.

I don't know what
the Leon's on about,

thousands and
thousands of salmon.

There's no fish in here.

This is not my idea
of being a 'hera fisher.

I've seen pictures of
the ones in Tahiti,

they wear thongs and
jump off of cliffs

into a shimmering blue sea,

and that thing's moving.

Well, if you can shut
up for five minutes,

I'll buy you a thong, alright?

Mussels wee man, easy money.

Who's the greatest
pearl fishers in town?

Mwah.

Thank you.

Fraser.

What have you been up to?

See what we've got in here.

Scallops.

You got a bath full of scallops.

Eh?

How can you not
know the difference

between a scallop and a mussel?

They all look the same.

Besides, farmed mussels
don't even produce pearls.

Here you go, 60
quid, have fun.

Cheers, Bill.

I hate asking
people for money.

Every day, having to justify
the existence of the center.

I quite like asking
people for money.

When I ask people for money,

it usually means they're
guilty of something.

Ignoring your
predilection for blackmail,

are you sure there's
been no new interest?

We had word back from all
your meetings last week,

and no one is willing to cough
up the moolah for the moules.

Oh no.

Maybe you're not
doing it right.

You're a good looking girl,
you should socialize more.

Give the old geezers on the council
something to look forward to.

Wear a skirt.

Stop.

If you run that argument
to its logical conclusion,

I don't like what
you're suggesting.

What am I suggesting?

Prostitution.

Maybe don't run the
argument to conclusion,

just run it half the way.

Not all the way,
just half the way.

Champagne's for
special people.

Calm down Fraser,
it's just cheap bubbly.

You don't like the champagne?

Hush, I want a bit more.

Skunk?

You boys are splashing
the cash tonight.

We're celebrating.

What you celebrating?

Mediocrity.

To mediocrity.

Or as I like to call
it, natural selection.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh.

Not good, not good.

Not good.

That's gross.

Natural selection, sounds
like that bird from the river.

Ladies,

nightcap?

- Yeah.
- No thanks.

Beth, there's a wee dram of
whisky with your name on it.

And why you may ask
is Scottish whisky

the finest in the world?

Because, instead of toxic
earth-destroying chemicals,

the Scots use freshwater mussels

to filter their whisky water.

Each mussel filters 50
liters of water a day

for that amber nectar.

And who's saving the mussels?

Oh, I think it's you.

You've earned your whisky,
you deserve a good time.

Thanks Ethan, but this
is me having a good time.

Okay.

I'm doing my part
for the cause too.

You can stuff me full
of your amber nectar.

Could we not
have somehow avoided

immediately using what
little money we had?

So we're skint again?

I mean what
are we going to do now?

I'm telling you boys,
there's money to be made in pearls.

Ritchie Wallace.

Ritchie Wallace.

Murry, alright, ah.

Murray, Murray, what is it?

Have we done something?

Sorry, sorry.

Ah, jesus.

Where'd you get
the money from, hmm?

You better not be up to
anything lawless, I mean it.

'Cause Gavin will be very upset

if there's business going
on he doesn't know about.

No, no business, no business.

Good.

- Oh.
- Don't.

God.

Ritchie.

Ritchie.

Ritchie, I'm so sorry
mate, it just happened.

Right, pick me up.

I should have stepped in mate,

I was right there, I'm sorry.

It just happened quite quickly.

Fraser, are you alright?

My god, I think
he's out, Ritchie?

Nice one.

This time, we do it right.

Glass bottom buckets
to see the river bed.

Are you in, or are you out?

Fine, in.

If you're going to be
professional about it.

Iron Man, you in?

I'm ready guys, I'm ready.

Will you stop
acting like a big lass

and get in the deep bit.

It's freezing.

That's how it works.

You've got to duck your head under
and it warms you up a bit.

Duck my head?

In this?

You're mental, it's Baltic man.

- Those are all.
- Hey, get in there.

- I won't do it.
- Get in, Fraser.

What do mussels
look like again?

They're like wee
crabs with nay legs.

Grab anything you can
and I'll check it for ya.

You promise they don't bite?

I promise.

I'll check under the rocks,

in case they're hiding from me.

Ritchie, my foot's stuck.

Well, pull it out.

I'm going
to drown Ritchie, help.

I can't move.

Just pull it out.

It won't come loose, help me.

Ritchie, throw me a
line Ritchie, hurry.

- Give me your trousers.
- What?

Will you drop the cone and
just give me your trousers?

Ritchie, help.

I only know the backstroke.

I'm coming.

Ritchie, I'm
getting pulled over.

I think something's got
me, I can feel its teeth.

Ritchie.

Fraser, I'm coming.

Hurry.

Grab it.

Ritchie.

You're alright.

Get me out, Ritchie.

I could have been washed out
to sea and been shark's meat.

Alright Fraser,
you made your point.

It was a stupid idea

and you could have
died a horrible death.

Scary.

They're definitely
up to something,

and I want to find out what.

Savvy.

Face it Ritchie,

we don't know anything
about wildlife.

Ah.

Ritchie Wallace, in a library.

Usually with former students,
I'd authorize it myself.

Well, in this case, I thought
maybe it might be best.

You thought right, Ms. Pringle.

What are we going to do?

Play along.

Right, Ms. Pringle,
just play along.

Headmaster, how are you doing?

You're looking well.

I see the twitch has gone.

Oh,

nearly.

Ms. Pringle informs me

that you'd like to borrow
some books on wildlife.

Scottish wildlife,
bird and badgers.

Fish, mussels, you
know, everything, really.

Alright, we'll give that a go.

But I'm warning you, Wallace,

if this is some kind of scam,

you'll be sorry.

If you want to
get in with the rangers,

you've got to know the basics.

Osprey.

Well done.

Kite, red kite.

Spot on.

Duck.

Capercaillie, you idiot.

Oh, come on.

Any developments?

It seems, it almost looks like

he's, um,

studying.

- Studying?
- Mmm.

Now, that I do not believe.

Not that I doubt
your observations, of
course, Ms. Pringle,

but I'm telling you,
they're will be more to this

than meets the eye.

Wallace is a born schemer.

I always thought he
was rather a lovely boy,

underneath it all.

What a wonderful gift,

to be able to see
people as you do.

Well.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Duck, deer, cow, squirrel,
owl, owl, squirrel, cow, deer,

duck, duck.

Deer.

Cow.

Alright, which one's that?

Pheasant.

That's right, give
him a chip, Fraser.

- Who's that, there?
- Owl.

Very good, very good.

Um.

- That one?
- Blue tit.

Also known as the peduncle.

Now, can any of you tell
me what chlorophyll is for?

Yes, Ritchie.

Photosynthesis, Miss.

Very good, well done.

Three pints of
Yellowhammer please.

Yellowhammer, such
a pretty wee thing.

So named for its bright
yellow head and underside,

and of course, the males
are so much more attractive

than the females.

Oh, you'd be hard pushed
to say the same thing

about you, Jimmy boy.

That, that's plain.

You're ready, I know you are.

It's like going undercover,

you can speak
their language now.

It's that Beth, she's the
only one I need to impress.

I have faith in you.

Careful, will ya.

Fraser, any advice?

Um.

Hmm.

No.

Good call.

Good luck.

It's estimated that one
species becomes extinct

every single day,

and over the next few decades,

that figure is expected
to rise to one per hour.

And it's not just
wildlife at risk,

our own center is
under threat of closure

from lack of funds.

We desperately need the
help of our local community

in order to fight
for our own survival.

That's my cue.

Yeah, woo, yeah, woo, yeah.

Thank you.

Any donations would be
gratefully received.

Anything you've got, pal.

Thank you for coming,

and remember to join us
for our Highland Fling.

Thank you.

We're having a
traditional Scottish Ceilidh

to raise money for the center.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Ritchie, hi.

I almost didn't recognize
you with your clothes on.

What can I do for you?

I would like become a
volunteer, if that's okay.

You know, I don't
have much experience,

but I do love wildlife.

You know, I guess most
people visit to see like,

the golden eagle
and the ospreys,

but I have a passion
for kites, buzzards,

harriers, the capercaillie.

The capercaillie,
horse of the woods.

The male will go to any length

to reach the target
of its affection.

Would you be willing
to stand up to pearl thieves?

Pearls, aye, aye.

However I can help.

Great, you're in.

We'll take all
the help we can get.

Well I had three
volunteers drop out

after the machine gun incident.

So much for Braveheart.

That's a good joke.

Welcome to the family kid.

Come here.

Come on, don't be shy.

Come on.

That's it, that's
right, safe now.

Whenever a river
drops to a level

that exposes a mussel bed,

we designate it as a
hotspot for our patrols.

What, have you got a fox?

Don't touch her!

She's set for release.

Sorry.

We don't have the manpower

to cover all the mussel
beds all the time,

but we do what we can.

And this is our
center of operations.

Wow.

That is a lot of mussels.

Why do you both
picking them all up?

One pile of shells
on a riverbank

is good as a signpost
to a mussel bed.

The older mussels
in the deeper pools

tend to get left alone,
so we're less vigilant.

They're harder to get at,
you have to dive for them.

They do produce the
best pearls though.

The best ones are normally
harder to get, aren't they?

Hi, can I help you boys?

Yeah, we're just
looking for a wetsuit.

It's for the wee man.

Uh, this the sort of
thing you're looking for?

God's sake.

You got any second hand?

Only the one, it is
nice and thick but…

Whoa.

I don't really think
it's what you're after.

No, no we're not fussy.

I mean, if it fits
he'll wear it.

Are you in it yet?

It's too tight.

- Fits like a glove.
- A pink glove.

It's macho pink.

The girl said it was unisex.

I never heard her say that.

Well, that's 'cause
you were too busy

playing with her harpoons.

You look brilliant.

Go check yourself out.

You thinking of
buying that, mate?

I was going to get it
for my little sister.

What's your problem?

What, are you his boyfriend?

Why, jealous are you?

What did you do that for?

Why'd you, alright,
okay, no, it's fine.

Listen I'm just trying to
have a conversation with you.

There's absolutely
no need for that.

Oh.

Jesus, oh.

Ah.

Jesus, come on.

Fraser, get up.

Feel like I'm in
the Blair Witch.

Why would anyone steal eggs?

Egg collectors.

It's their life's passion.

That's so weird.

And wrong,

obviously.

Ospreys are amazing.

They're born in the highlands,

but each year, they migrate
to Africa for the winter.

And they don't
get shown the way,

each chick goes alone,
on pure instinct.

How does instinct tell
them the way to Africa?

They have a magnetic
organ in their brain,

which is aligned to
the magnetic polarity

of the earth itself.

They just know.

That's pretty amazing.

Instinct's an incredibly
complex and powerful thing,

more so than most
humans realize.

Do you follow your
instincts, then?

I think my intuition
about people is,

pretty accurate.

Got it.

Come on Fraser.

Fraser.

We need some help.

He was laying by the roadside.

He's not going to die, is he?

No.

It will be fine.

How do you know?

You haven't even examined him.

It will be fine,

you know, beavers are
hardy wee fellows.

He's an otter, and
he's in a bad way.

Thank you for bringing him
in, you can leave him with us.

Take him through to the
barn, I'm going to get Ethan.

Who's Ethan?

If anyone can fix a broken
beaver, Ethan's your man.

He's an otter, you dummy.

Please, please take care of him.

Promise he'll be okay, promise?

Promise.

Alright pal, here we go.

Nice and easy.

It's the circle of life, man.

You're not going to
shoot him, are you?

And in front of these
guys, what are you sick?

I'll take him outside,
make it private,

he won't feel a thing.

Ethan's a very good shot.

Oh, is there anything
he's not very good at?

I feel your pain, Ritchie,
I do, but it's tough love.

You got to be cruel to be kind.

His insides are all bust up,

I can feel them
squidging around,

- it's the consistency.
- Aye, but he's alive.

He's in pain.

If it was you, what
would you prefer,

a sedative or a bullet?

We could give him a tranquilizer,
run him into Glasgow.

Have Vet Coulthard
take a look at him.

Okay.

Nutcase.

This is supposed
to be a hotspot.

Keep looking.

We left him in good hands,

and 20% chance is
better than no chance.

I love this city, must
be great living here.

What part do you come from?

Govan.

The part they failed to mention

when the designated it
European City of Culture.

I need to get a dress
for the Highland Fling.

Aye, your traditional
Scottish Ceilidh,

hosted by an English
girl and a Yank.

Well, you'd better
be there to represent.

Oh I'll be there, the
token Scot, I know my place.

Oh,
well hello, Beth.

This is Ritchie,
he's a newbie.

After the ban on
Scottish pearl fishing,

half a dozen local jewelers
were given licenses

- to continue trading.
- Of which I am one.

So, if you're in a market
for a nice pearl necklace,

I'm your man.

Ah, s you can buy pearls
as well as sell them?

Mmm, if I know the history.

Nothing fished since the ban.

I mean some jewelers,

like that unscrupulous
little shite Ramsey,

they'll get new pearls,
but it's illegal,

it's unethical, and
frankly, I find it immoral.

Ramsey's a few doors down,
and there's some rivalry.

He's as crooked
as a question mark.

Well, we
can't prove anything.

- No.
- I keep trying.

So, can your
newbie be trusted?

He can.

Go on, get it out.

Mmm, I will.

So, you see,

this necklace has been worked on

by my family for generations.

My own sweet daddy found
and strung these pearls,

and his daddy's
daddy before him.

Why's one missing?

Oh.

It's okay.

See, that was my job,

to find the missing
pearl that fits.

But they brought
in that stupid ban,

and now it will
never be finished.

I'm sure your
daddy will be proud

that you're an honest man.

It could have been
the perfect piece.

The truest blend of art,
of nature, of history.

How much would it
be worth finished?

It's already priceless.

That is hardly the
point, wee newbie.

This is my legacy.

No way!

We got one!

We did it, I
cannae believe it.

We're rich, we're rich!

Shut up, you idiot, they'll hear you
in Sauchiehall Street.

Come here.

I hit up local
businesses, politicians,

anyone that might be able
to help me fund the center.

Well, it's cool that
you don't give up.

Excellent.

Cool is what I'm going for.

Not many people would bother.

Well, not many people
bother volunteering either.

Why did you?

Well, I just mean
with your tenacity,

and your, well your everything,

you must be pretty
hard to turn down.

Why does everyone
think I'd be happy

to abuse that mindset?

What, I'm supposed to let some
of the big city councilors

feel good by letting them
take me out to dinner?

And then what, I've
really earned it?

No, I didn't
mean it like that.

Yes, you did.

I'm a conservationist, I
don't believe in exploitation.

I honestly didn't mean
anything offensive by it.

In fact, I think it was
trying to be a compliment.

Sorry.

God, I'm really not
a people person.

Would you do something for me?

Yeah.

Ramsey's Jewelers is
just round the corner.

There's no point in me going in,

he knows exactly who
I am and what I do.

So, how do you feel
about going undercover?

Crooked as a question mark?

Straight as an arrow, sorry.

Well, he probably
figured you out.

You don't exactly come across
like hardened criminal.

Let's go.

What's next?

Well, we've done what
we can for the otter.

Time to go and check on
another life you've saved.

I'm going in.

Are all English
people as crazy as you?

I don't have any
swimming trunks.

Go in your underwear,

that's what I'm going to do.

Come on.

Okay, I put them by this
big rock, are you ready?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- One.
- One.

Two, three.

What if I said to you,

gut that mussel or I'm going
to shoot this Bengal tiger?

Would you gut it?

Okay.

Yeah but, what if you knew
for certain, absolute certain,

that one of them contained
this, this huge pearl

that was worth a fortune.

What would you do?

Well I'd, I'd wait for
it to spit it out, or die.

Spit it out, they do that?

Yeah, yeah, a pearl's
an irritant to a mussel,

they try to dislodge them.

You're a clever
girl, aren't you?

Yes.

Ah, must be nice,

having something you
care so much about.

Most things in life just
inspire me towards apathy.

But you've got all this.

Beautiful landscapes,
strong community,

incredible language, heritage.

But that's not enough.

Three in one day.

How'd you manage that?

Was like everyone a winner.

With you knowing
the best pools,

and where the
ranger patrols are,

this job's easy.

Those highland rangers
and their fancy education.

Who's smart now?

Come on, Fraser!

Yes, we're in!

Ritchie, are you excited?

Are you excited, Ritchie?

Yes.

Given their history,
or lack of it,

best I can do is 500 the lot.

Forget it, there's a guy
I know who'll be interested.

- Give us.
- 550 then.

If that's the best you can do,

this will be our first
and our last deal.

I will go to six,
for future goodwill.

Take it or leave it.

Oh man, 600 quid just
seen the like of us.

How much of this do I get?

200 quid Fraser,
we get 200 quid each.

And I get to spend
it on anything I want?

Anything you want, wee man.

Go to town, the world
is your mollusk.

Oh, you're back.

Yes, I won't be any trouble.

How's the diving going?

Smashing darling, taken
to it a horse to water.

Are you here to
trade up the suit?

To accessorize it.

Ritchie.

It will be fine.

It should be O-T-T-E-R.

Thanks Beth, but I can spell.

It's his name,

Otto.

Original.

How does he like it?

I think he's
got post-traumatic
stress or something.

I keep trying all these fish,
but he won't take it.

Here pal.

Here.

Let me.

Here we go, that
a boy, that a boy.

Ethan's very
good with animals.

There's a surprise.

Remember, this
is a relationship

that can have only one end.

Who's in a relationship?

Ritchie and the otter.

Oh.

Final count, like you wanted,
for the Highland Fling, 12.

- 12.
- I think it's a sign.

Personally, a Highland Fling
sounds kind of derivative,

possibly racist.

Low numbers doesn't
mean nobody wants to come,

it means nobody
knows it's happening.

I mean, I had to get arrested

just to find out
this place exists.

It's time to get out
there, spread the message.

A kilt,

a stag,

and Mel Gibson.

Otto's sleeping
so see you tomorrow.

Ritchie, do you
want a nightcap?

Um, whisky?

Sounds good.

Fiona, do you want to join us?

Nope.

I do not.

Have a good time.

Sorry.

Well, that's not
going to get us drunk.

I don't want to get drunk.

I want to get to
know you better.

Yes, you'll need it then.

I don't know, Beth,

conversation is not
really my strong point.

And you really think we
have that much in common?

We're both obsessed with
saving Scottish wildlife.

Right, but apart from that.

Conversation's not really
my strong point either.

I mostly hate talking to people,

but not to you.

Just afraid for you
to dig any deeper.

There's not much to me.

I'm just a random
bloke from Govan,

not to be romanticized.

Beth, I think you're amazing,

but we lead completely
different lives.

Do you remember the ospreys?

Can you tell me how it
is that each bird born

is aligned to the magnetic
polarity of the Earth and sun?

No, but I bet you can though.

Well yeah, obviously I can.

I mean, at some point

there had to have been
a genetic mutation.

You've got to be the
only woman in the world

to try and seduce a guy
by talking about mutants.

What I'm trying to say is,

there are some things in
life I don't want to explain.

Some things just happen.

Oooh.

Good morning.

Morning.

Thank you for finishing
the leaflets, Fiona.

I am not going to tell
you about what may,

or may not, have
happened last night.

Good morning, Ritchie love.

Morning.

Are you okay?

Fine.

Mmmhmm, I'm fine
as well actually.

Couldn't be better, had a
lot of sleep last night.

I don't know what
Ritchie's up to,

still not a single bit of intel.

Damn it, missed him.

What're you doing?

Catching salmon.

- You're a moron.
- And you're no fun.

Just let me know when
we're off on a hotspot.

Fraser Gordon,
you wee bastard.

Top quality herb.

It's been well for you?

You're in no trouble, I hope.

No, no trouble at all.

Top marks, we had no complaints.

No complaints.

Okay, okay, I
trust you, Gavin.

But why did you text me
to meet you out here?

Hmm?

What's going on?

There's some lads from Govan,

they're up in your
part of the world.

They're looking for pearls.

I know it's your business,
just being neighborly like.

Pearl fishers from Govan.

How quaint.

Leave 'em be.

Might take some of the
heat off my Ukrainians.

Cops have been out in force,

ever since Alexi here
pulled a gun on the rangers.

Thanks anyway, Gavin,

but I'm done with pearls.

It's an unsustainable
business model.

Pull back.

Ritchie.

Ritchie.

What are you doing?

What's he doing here?

Gavin wants in on the
pearls, partners, he says.

He spotted Fraser
down on the river.

What, how could
you be so stupid?

In all fairness, he's
not that hard to spot.

Partners, with Gavin, no way.

Gavin says it's either a
contract with us, or on us.

He made me dive until I
found one, then he took it.

It was horrible.

Everything
okay, Ritchie?

These are friends of
mine, Fraser and Danny.

The pearl pirates?

- What?
- No, no that's not us no.

From the police
station, right?

Oh right, aye.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Aye, I remember that.

Any friend of Ritchie's
is a friend of mine.

Have you come to help
with the canvasing?

Aye, exactly.

That's exactly why
they're here big man, ay.

In fact, Fraser here has
offered to be the main man,

haven't you, pal?

Aye, yeah.

That's great,
that's just great.

Scottish mussels, save
the Scottish mussels.

Come on everybody.

Save the mussels.

We've got to save them.

What are you wearing?

Why are you dressed
like a giant vagina?

Buzz off, you wee pests.

Hey Fraser, Fraser, leave it.

Come on folks don't be
shellfish, all for a good cause.

Here a man with a bit of style,

come on, surely
you've got a few quid.

Good man, thanks very much, sir.

Come on…

What?

Ritchie Wallace, what
a good man you are son,

charitable soul.

You know where I've just been?

Ramsey's Jewelers.

Young Fraser did good
work this morning,

I'm wanting more of
the same, Ritchie.

You guys'll get your cut.

I admire your
setup, I really do.

I didn't know you
had the gumption.

Vegan cupcake?

I baked them myself.

Alright?

That's good.

You boys haven't seen round
the center yet, have you?

No.

You can touch
it, don't be shy.

Yeah.

Fraser.

Ritchie.

Good little boy.

It's okay.

It's okay, Otto.

When I was in Kenya,

Interpol led on a raid
on a rhino poacher.

We found a tent full of horns,

some still bloodied
from being hacked off.

That tent gave me the same
feeling this room does.

Just all that wasted
life, you know.

I know.

I know.

I gave Beth my heart, but all
she wanted was the physical.

Yeah, we were very physical,
for hours, days on end.

When was this, then?

On a gap year in Sumatra.

Now, both
of you just happen to be

in the highlands
of Scotland, ay?

I want to be
nearby when she realizes.

Realizes what?

Time to breed, time to mate.

What if she realizes she
wants someone other than you?

I don't worry about the other
men that enter Beth's life.

She needs an alpha male.

Hmm.

I appreciate this phase
though, she's a scientist,

it's in her nature
to experiment.

What's that?

My Mongolian yurt,
it's where I live.

You live in a tent?

Wherever I am on the planet,

I like to connect to
local customs and culture.

What's so Scottish
about a Mongolian yurt?

Don't you forget
the Highland Fling.

I expect to see you both.

We'll be there,
thanks a million.

I really appreciate
the work you do.

Cheers pal, see you later.

Sorry about that.

I'm really sorry
about that, Ethan.

Just go quickly.

Oh.

Seeing all those dead
mussels really made me think.

There's blood on our hands.

We're serial
killers of mollusks.

I mean, I know they're
not sentient beings,

but Fraser's not particularly
a sentient being,

I wouldn't kill him.

I wouldn't kill me either.

Look, I don't like what
we're doing either, right.

What we're doing?

You're just selling the
pearls and eating cupcakes.

Fraser and I are the ones
out risking life and limb.

But I'm the one that has to
lie to these people every day.

I can't do it anymore.

And now that Gavin's on
to us thanks to you two,

I don't see what
options we have.

What you think we should stop,

you're going to quit the center?

I'm going to quit
messing with the pearls,

but I'm not quitting the center.

I like working there.

We just need to string Gavin
along for a bit, alright.

We'll play along without
handing over any more pearls.

Oh.

I'd rather fish
for salmon anyway.

Look.

I've been thinking I
might move out here.

Out where?

I'll crash at
Nettie's cottage.

You're leaving us in Govan

with Gavin and Murray
breathing down our necks?

Nice.

Well, it's just easier for me,

it'll be closer to the
center, that's all.

And don't worry about Gavin,
I'll figure something out.

You're leaving?

Fraser, come on.

That's our ride, I'll see
you for the night shift.

Will you not have
a breakfast to go?

You need to keep
your strength up

with this new found passion
for the great outdoors.

No ta, everything we
do is fried in beef fat.

Aye, finest melted cow.

I'm trying to go vegan.

I don't want to hurt
the animals anymore.

Why didn't you say so?

This is a multicultural
establishment, we
cater for vegans.

There you go.

Cheers, Bill.

How long do we
leave him in the cage?

Long enough to remind
him where he comes from.

Shame we need to let him go,
he is a cute little bugger.

Yes, and he's so fond of you.

Any final words?

Be safe out there, wee man.

It's a big bad world out there.

So you just find yourself
a nice girl beaver and…

- Otter.
- Otter.

Settle down in a
nice fancy lodge.

Holt.

Do you mind?

Just trying to
have a moment here.

Choose life.

I'll never forget you.

Just,

try and remember me

as the one that didn't want
to shoot you in the head.

Don't eat the mussels.

Why has your man not called?

It depends what's
going on at the center.

Sometimes they don't
put the hotspots up,

or sometimes there are
too many ranger patrols.

We just hang out and wait.

What the hell's this?

Fraser, Fraser, are you okay?

Oh Jesus.

Thank you, Mrs. Boyd,
you take care now.

Turnout for the Highland
Fling much healthier, Beth.

I guess that's thanks to your
propaganda drive, Ritchie.

What about the mussel beds?

Not so good.

It's like those pearl
pirates can read minds,

they always seem to
be one step ahead.

We had four beds compromised
in the last week alone.

How are they doing it?

Who's that?

Oh my god, Ritchie.

Otto, you came back,
I can't believe it.

Hiya fella.

Oh, that a boy.

Treacherous beaver bastard.

Hi sweetness.

Hi.

How are you doing, Otto?

This is great, and it's
vegan noodles for Danny.

Aye.

Sorry, I'm late.

Fraser, how are you doing, mate?

I'm scarred for life.

Ritchie, you've let me down.

I was promised pearls,
and what do I get?

Nothing.

You didn't even respond
when Fraser here was shot.

Maybe he's gone native.

Maybe you ought
to have a word with

that wee English lass that
runs the ranger center.

I'm sure I could twist her
arm, and get what we need.

- You touch her…
- And what?

You'd ruin things.

I mean, she's the key
to the pearl beds.

And they're all focused
on this big fundraiser

they're having tomorrow night.

There's just honestly no new
information at the moment.

You need to be patient.

Ritchie, do we strike
you as patient men?

Danny, is that
your stomach rumbling?

I'm so hungry.

You need to get
some meat in you.

At least pot is vegan.

It was good of Ethan to
invite us to the party.

You're in love with his
girlfriend aren't you?

She's not his girlfriend.

You need to let
that one go, mate.

She's gorgeous, I agree,
and clearly super smart,

but you're unemployed and skint.

It's not exactly a great match.

She fancies Ethan, and
he lives in a mud hut.

Aye, well, you don't need
money when you look like Ethan.

That guy has charisma.

I believe in you, Ritchie.

Danny's just cross
'cause he's hungry.

You're a smashing guy, and
she'd be lucky to have you.

He's right.

You know what you
have that he doesn't?

Scottish charm.

You can't beat a cheeky
Scottish chappie.

Look at you, you
handsome Gaelic devil.

Ethan can't compete with that.

Danny, Fraser, you made it.

I forgot how ridiculously
good looking he is.

Never mind mate, plenty
more fish in the sea.

I'm going
with not Ethan.

And there's a little.

- You alright?
- Hi.

I brought you something.

I know you didn't have
time to go dress shopping,

and it belonged to my Aunt,
like a million years ago,

but I just,

I thought it would look nice.

Oh.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Fiona, I got you something
as well you know,

I just, I thought you'd like it.

Oh, vintage marl, I love it.

I love it.

I like the color,
matches my dress.

- Yeah.
- And my lipstick.

Now we've broke and spelt
bread, we're truly brothers.

This vegan tzatziki
is delicious.

Thank you, it's my own recipe.

Ritchie, are you unwell?

You seem dispirited.

No Ethan, I'm fine,

fantastic.

Hi, little…

Apart from this
beaver hating me.

I might be able to
help you with Otto.

I have a degree in
animal hypnotherapy,

and I do know one or two
things about beavers.

You can feel your body
sinking into the floor.

You're so sleepy.

When you wake,

you will feel tightly bonded
to the first person you see.

You will love and admire that
person with all your heart.

Wake.

It worked, it actually worked.

- Ethan's incredible.
- I know.

No, I mean really incredible.

I know.

I just love and
admire him so much.

Will you dance with me?

I'll do anything
for a good cause.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I just love him so much.

Ritchie, I need
a word with you.

Not now, mate.

No, I really need
a word with you.

Back in a sec.

Lovely party.

Shame if anything were to
happen to ruin this evening.

What do you want, Gavin?

I want my information
tonight, Ritchie Wallace.

The location of the finest
pearl beds in the River Tay.

I'm not leaving
without it, savvy.

I said I would get it.

Aye, I heard that before.

I feel so helpless.

Gavin's gonna kill us all.

You, me, Beth, the beaver.

I told Ritchie pearl
thieving was a bad idea.

You?

You idiots are
the pearl thieves?

Where's Ritchie?

He's trying to stop
Gavin from doing you in.

What do you mean, who's Gavin?

Ah, the key to the
pearl beds herself.

Why are you bothering with a
skinny wee tart like this for?

There's more genuine
meat on a haggis.

That's Gavin.

Beth.

Don't speak to me ever again,

you despicable,
vile human being.

Look.

At first, I didn't think it
was that bad, pearl fishing.

You know, I just thought
it was like normal fishing,

but we had a chance
to win the jackpot.

It's like killing
Otto for his pelt.

Look, I know that now.

You have made a
complete fool out of me.

You have abused and insulted
everything I hold most dear.

I've never known a girl so
keen to taking off her clothes.

Get out, Ritchie.

You're lucky I'm not
calling the police.

Beth, are you in there?

I think they're waiting
for you to speak.

What's going on?

You know how we
couldn't figure out

how the pearl thieves were
always one step ahead,

how it seemed like
they could read minds.

Well, who's the most recent
addition to the center?

Otto.

Human addition.

Snake in our midst.

Get out, Ritchie.

Oh, you better do
as the lady says.

I know all 64 deadly
spots on the human body,

- and I will not…
- Ethan.

Alright.

I'm leaving.

I'm so sorry.

I wish you could
know how sorry I am.

- Uh.
- Get out.

I thought we were brothers.

I will always love you, Ethan.

It's okay.

Skunk?

No thanks wee man,
I've given it up.

Packed up the hydroponics
lab and everything.

What about that?

It's risky.

I'm glad you're home.

Well, this pearl thing was
never going to be long term,

was it?

I mean, I mean, god at least

it didn't end with
us getting nicked.

She was always way out of
your league and you knew that,

nice while it lasted.

At least we're free men.

This isn't freedom, Danny.

Mollusks, not men.

Mollusks, not men.

Mollusks not…

PC Dougie?

Oh, hang on I have
to call you back, yeah.

Beth, are you alright?

There's been a
chemical spillage

at Leon Whitehead's fish farm.

Thousands of gallons of toxic
waste heading into the rivers,

and it's going to kill
everything within a mile radius.

All your mussel colonies
are in that radius.

Oh, what a shock.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, we can't just
let it dilute naturally,

I have to do something.

I have to think of something.

Ritchie, Ritchie.

It's Fiona.

We can't stop the water,

so instead we're going to move

as many of the
mussels as we can.

The poison will be on us

before we can move
a fraction of them.

It will be like Moses
leading the Israelites,

trying to hold back the
mighty folds of the Red Sea.

The beast, the savages, the
infidels, they'll all fall,

but we are going to have
to stand up stronger

than we ever stood
in our life before…

He's right, it's
a waste of time.

You don't have enough
pairs of hands.

This is it, this is our chance.

We get out there

and confess to everybody
what we've been doing.

Time to see if this
supportive community

is quite so
supportive after all.

Stolen scallops?

You're fired, get out of here.

For those of you that
know me and my pals,

you probably think
we've never done a lot

to deserve any of your help,

and you'd be right.

In fact, we've never
done very much at all.

Just spend most of
our time drinking.

Good lads.

Messing about, and
earning the odd backhander

by doing one or two things

that we're not
particularly proud of.

But worst of all, we sat
back and left others,

some of them not even Scottish,

to try and save our
wildlife from extinction.

You know what, it's
almost too late.

Any haddock?

Every single day
somewhere on this planet,

an animal or a plant
becomes extinct.

What about cod?

Cod's finished.

Things are just getting worse.

But today,

here in Glasgow, we can
start to put things right.

Clear the roads!

Smart, very smart.

There's nowt more
important than food.

A man after my own heart.

I've been away on
a catering course.

Cooking for 300 every
day, still a month to go.

Is that right?

I'm in the food industry
myself, fish and chips.

The moment I saw you,

I thought I bet he's some
young captain of industry.

That's me, an entrepreneur.

And I suppose,
like all great men,

there's a good woman behind you.

Not yet, I've nay
met the right one.

Mmm.

Leon Whitehead,
he's never cared about

the welfare of his fish.

The suppliers used to tell me

how much pesticide
he always ordered.

It's terrible.

Some people shouldn't be
allowed to look after fish, or…

Ritchie, where are you going?

I won't be long.

Right, this
better be important.

I've got a crisis
on at the fish farm.

So I heard.

And, what do you
want to talk about?

Just your false
insurance claim.

Oh, come on.

Look, Leon I've been running
these scams since a kid,

so I know when
something's not right.

Guess you'll be claiming for
what, 20,000 lost salmon?

That's a pretty big pay out.

The only thing is, I was up
at your farm the other night,

and I know for a fact those
salmon cages were nearly empty.

What were you
doing at my farm?

That's not really
relevant is it?

What is relevant is I
hardly saw any salmon.

I never saw any fish food.

Fish food, what's fish
food got to do with it?

Well, I'm assuming
with all that pesticide

you've been storing up,

accidentally fell in the water,

the cage gates just
happened to be open too,

and all the fish just
washed out to sea

so nobody could count them.

You're not as
dumb as you look.

Cheers.

You see, that's where I come in.

See, it doesn't matter that
there's no bodies to count,

they're going to check
your feed records.

And you haven't been feeding
20,000 fish have you?

Fish food.

Right, don't worry,
I can get you receipts.

Stand up to interview,
no questions asked.

Right, what do you want?

- 10%.
- 5%.

I need the receipts pronto,

the loss adjuster
comes tomorrow.

Done.

Done indeed,
best come with me.

I'm gonna-

Thanks, Ritchie.

Whitehead's, like,
a proper criminal.

You finally got one, ay?

Nice one.

Richard.

Calm down.

Come on children
please, chop, chop.

Remember, we must
save the mollusks.

Oh headmaster,
you are so strong.

Chop, chop.

Pearl thieves,

silver BMW,

RU19444.

Okay and what about the…

Hello?

- They've hung up.
- Who was that?

Didn't give a name.

I hate anonymous information.

Me too.

But I always act on it.

We're on a roll today.

We've got company.

- We clean?
- Yeah, we're fine.

Right, well pull over.

- Problems, officers?
- Routine check.

Check away
please, be my guest.

Dougie, can you
tell me the sentence

for tampering with mussels?

5,000 pound fine or
six months in jail,

per shell.

Need a hand?

I can't thank you enough, sir.

Very proud of you, very proud.

- Twitch has gone.
- Hah, very clever.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

Ah, Ms. Pringle, Daphne.

I was just wondering
whether you'd care to,

you know, once we get back,
join me in a glass of sherry?

Oh Timothy,

I would love to.

Oh marvelous.

Ooh.

In a few minutes, there won't
be a single thing left alive

in the river.

It's horrible, ay.

Think there's some poor
wee mussel we missed?

Just sitting, minding
his own business.

Shit.

- Ritchie, get out.
- What?

The river's going into spate.

I didn't get him.

The undercurrent's too strong.

Beth, stay, Beth,
stay to the shore.

Ritchie.

Help!

Ritchie,
grab the line.

Help!

It's for shooting sharks,

it will hold both
of you no bother.

We got this Beth.

Ah.

Keep going.

Pull yourselves to
the shallows, yep.

Keep going, that's
nice and easy, that's it.

That's
it, use your hips.

Oh my god, oh I'm god.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Forgive me, please forgive me.

I did a terrible,
stupid, stupid thing,

but all I want to do now
is save Scottish wildlife.

And not just like
the wee cuddly stuff,

like the wee horrible creepy
things as well, you know.

I want to be a good man,
a man with a purpose.

Like Ethan, but less of a prat.

I'm not a prat.

I want to be like you.

You're the strangest,
most wonderful
creature I've ever met.

I love you.

If you let me, I'll
spend the rest of my life

taking care of you,

and the mussels.

Come on!

- Yeah.
- Yay.

You're a true
alpha male, Ritchie.

I couldn't have given you up
to anyone less worthy, Beth.

Oh.

Alright so.

Still need to find a
home for this wee guy.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Are you absolutely kidding me?

Yes.

Oh yes.

When you said they
spat out pearls,

I thought you were having me on.

I'm the greatest
man that's ever lived.

I'm off to Africa,
broker some big animals.

Wooo.

Yeah, that's what I'll do.

One pearl, ethically gained.

No.

It fits.

Oh daddy, it fits.

Here, take it.

No, no, this one's on us.

Please, consider it a
donation, to the center.

Well, this one's priceless.

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