Schlussmacher (2013) - full transcript

How many of you are divorce children?

How many of you believe in true love?

There are many reasons to fall in love.

Good morning, your tickets please.

Hey you!

Stop!

But there are twice as many reasons

for love to fall apart.

Darling, I went shopping!

- Great. I've cleaned all day.
- But look...

Why do you men want praise for nothing?
No one praises me. You ruined my life.



You stupid pig!

And this is where I step in.

My name is Paul Voigt.
Other people's breakups are my business.

From phone calls to house visits,

including removal of personal effects,

the breakup agency I work for

provides all services for a price.

The client makes a choice, I realize it.

Essentially I'm like this postman.

He also delivers warnings, dismissals,

and enforcement orders.

But I have one crucial advantage.

I come in person
and give psychological first aid.

A very good day to you.



What? He's leaving me
because I'm choleric? I'm not choleric!

The guy doesn't even have the balls
to tell me himself.

How shitty is that!

What am I going to do now?

Just give your feelings full scope.

I hate him.

I hate you!

I... hate you...

You pig!

I hate you!

And that shitty guitar!

I... hate...

You pig!

- That works with men, too?
- Yes, it does.

Here you are.
You know, two years ago

I was right where you are now, but here
I am, almost a partner. And you...

could do the same thing.

Separations are booming.
If you manage

to carry through 1,000 separations
during the first two years,

you will be made a partner
in our company.

Believe me,
you can make it all the way to the top!

And we would like to help you get there.

Thank you for your attention.

Break Up Man

So, Paul, I've spoken to the owners.

If all goes well, you'll be a partner
by the 1st. - Wow, boss.

- Good, isn't it?
- Yes.

How many breakups do you have left?

- Eleven.
- Eleven.

Just a week left. We must be very strict.

Oh, I have everything under control.

Here he is!

- Hartmut, old grenade!
- Georg, old dragon slayer.

- How are you, my friend?
- Well, and yourself?

Darling, we're going out to eat. - That's
for women without weight problems.

Honey, would you get me a Diet Coke?

- Latest girlfriend?
- No, just a back-up.

Nice!

Anyway, this is Paul, my best employee.

Hartmut Dreher, the friend I mentioned.

Pleased to meet you.

I heard about your family problem.

Yeah, thanks. The guy's a total loser.

Bad for my daughter Kati. I'm worried.

My granddaughter Jenny is already

having trouble at school.

You have to help.

- Mr. Kuhlmann is not the child's father.
- No.

- If your daughter's ready to meet...
- Come on, a photo?

Smile!

Kati tried to break up,
but she didn't go through with it.

Adler.

- We'll fix it.
- Hang on a second.

- Adler?
- Thank you.

One moment. I'm on the other line.

So, that's me back again.

That's how it all started.

Thank you. Have a nice evening.

Otherwise he was always

kind to animals, kind to children.
Anyway, my father could never stand him.

He's poor and not very good-looking.

Forget Toto and your father.
This is about you.

Don't try to make others happy.
Be happy yourself.

So, are you happy?

Sometimes I feel very cramped.

Do you want that forever?
Is it an option? - No.

- Think of your daughter.
- Jenny? Why?

- Isn't she having trouble at school?
- Excuse me?

Kids aren't happy if the parents aren't.

Look. You're an attractive woman.
With a sweet daughter.

You have your whole life ahead.
Live! Be happy.

Fine.

- But don't hurt him.
- You're doing the right thing.

He'll harm himself!

Where is your boyfriend?

Yes? - Good evening.
I'm from "Happy End" breakup agency.

A breakup agency!
Great. What do you break up?

Can I come in?

- I don't suppose you're going to rob me.
- No, of course not.

Come in. Stop!

First take your shoes off.
I just vacuumed.

Mr. Kuhlmann, about your girlfriend.

She says she's very sorry,
but she wants to end the relationship.

- Are you joking?
- No.

- It must be a joke.
- I'm afraid it's not.

Are you from "Candid Camera"?

You are from "Candid Camera"!

Gosh! Kati told you to do it, awesome!

You know
that you need my permission, right?

You have it.

Mr. Kuhlmann, I'm serious about it.

People give and take in a relationship.

And you seem to be giving
a bit too much. - Wait,

what are you saying?
I'm going to clear this up.

Kati-Mouse.

This name is not known.

- Sweetie Pie.
- Sweetie Pie's number is being dialed.

The number you dialed is not available.

Impossible!

We're about to eat. It's Moroccan Night.

I'm to...

give you this from her.
To show she means it.

I gave her that!

I know.

So now what?

I must ask you to pack your things.

The essentials only.
We'll take care of the rest.

No! No way! This is absurd.

Who the hell are you?
You just come in here and...

Do you know what you are?

A crap version of "Men in Black",
without the other guy, Willi Smith.

- Will Smith.
- What about Jenny?

Miss Dreher says you're not
to act as Jenny's father.

But that's not possible.

Mr. Kuhlmann, I have a brochure for you,

and...

your own personal

Happy End.

Or is Kati's father behind this?

No.

What now? Where am I to go?

Go see the city.
Three million people live in Berlin.

Enjoy your new freedom.

Keep your head up.

The end is always a beginning.

What is that?

Is it a maki or a nigiri?

The Japanese
don't have a word for it yet.

Sushi kebab.

- Donner roll.
- Donneri.

Donneri.

Stop, okay.

My boss said he'll make me
a partner next month. If all goes well.

- Really?
- Yes.

Congratulations!

We must celebrate!

That's great.

So you'll get an apartment soon.

Won't you?

I've already signed the contract.

Really?

Yes.

Did you take the loft or the apartment?

The loft.

A big space is cool. You can do a lot.

You could fit walls if necessary.

If necessary.

I'm sorry, Natalie.

Why? It's okay. Completely okay.

I didn't really want
to give up my apartment.

- I still have my apartment in Quebec.
- Yes.

It's a great apartment.
You have a beautiful apartment.

The apartment is beautiful.
A really beautiful apartment.

Yes.

I tell you, soon you'll beg me
to move in with you.

You'll kneel down before me.

What are you doing?

I'd better sleep at home.

I have to get up early tomorrow and...

Please stay for once.

Please.

I can't sleep with someone beside me.
It's nothing to do with you.

Do you love me?

Why do you ask?

You always sneak out at night
and don't let me get close.

You only do what you want.

So I ask if you love me. If not, then...

you'd break my heart.

Yes, sure, like...

Natalie, love is a big word.
What we have is enough.

It's beautiful.

Look, I have to leave early,
I've got sport, and I...

I'll call you.

It was good.

Paul Voigt.

Paul?

Come, come, come! Paul?

Playing strip games, and what do I hear?

The guy's still hanging around.

Miss Dreher is scared. If you
want to keep your job, get over there

and sort it out.

Goal! - That was two goals!
If no bras come off, I'm not playing.

Mr. Kuhlmann.

No! I'm not leaving.
I want to talk to Kati.

Mr. Kuhlmann, please come.

I want to talk to Kati.
We belong together. We're a family.

Stop it, you're acting like a child.
Let the woman go.

Have you been drinking?

What? No, I just... Come on!

No! I'm not leaving. I can't just go.
I have to fight for my love.

If you have to fight for love,
it's already too late. Come on!

Leave me...

Listen, go away!
Or, do you know what?

I will if you give me a reason.
One good reason, then I'll come.

Fine.

I wanted to spare you this, but...

Your girlfriend has a new boyfriend.

What?

Yes. She has a new guy.

And it's all very good with him, but...

Really?

Mr. Kuhlmann, we're going
to a nice comfortable hotel now.

You'll sleep well and...

Tomorrow the world
will look totally different.

This is really nice here.
Mr. Kuhlmann, here, come on in.

Come on!

- You'll be cozy here.
- Can I sleep at yours tonight?

- Be glad you can be alone a while.
- I don't want to be alone.

Go to the bar, or go out.
Do all the things

you couldn't in a relationship.

I don't want to watch soft porn now.

Whatever, Mr. Kuhlmann.

Throw yourself into life, alright?
Trust yourself.

You can do it. Chin up. Good night.

Real wood!

Man.

For Kati!

I can't live without Kati!

Stop, man, stop!

I don't want to live without Kati.

- What!
- So I'm going to jump now.

- Shit.
- I've got a note in my hand.

It's for Kati
and you're going to give her it,

- when I'm splattered down there.
- Stop, easy now.

- Calm down!
- I'm going to jump.

What? No, listen, okay?
I'm coming up, and then...

- then we'll sort it out together.
- Really?

You and me.
We'll sort it out together. I promise.

Shit, this is high.

Oh God, he's insane.

My name is Thorsten by the way.

You can also call me Toto,
if you want.

Hey, shall we just use our first names?

Thorsten, listen.
I'll take you to a clinic now.

It will do you good. Talk a bit,
some peace, general help...

- Hello, but we can talk.
- Yes, we still can.

- But a little professional help, that...
- I don't want that.

- But you should.
- No, I won't. Got it?

- Let's go to your place and hang out.
- No, we won't.

- Or I'll cook us something.
- No!

So where do we sleep?
We can't go to my place.

And what have we got here?

Listen! You have to help me.
I've got a huge problem.

That man there in the car.
He just tried to kill himself, to jump.

Can you take him into custody?
He'll harm himself. Please believe me.

He's a danger to himself and everyone.
Really, you have to help me.

Can you have him sectioned?
You have to help me, please.

Have you been drinking?

You have to help me.
The guy is insane.

Here, hold my sausage, that's enough.

Driver's license.

Vehicle documents.

- Shit, shit, shit.
- I'm sorry.

Get lost! Piss off, yeah!

- It's just a driver's license.
- No, it's not just a driver's license,

it's my driver's license. If I lose it,
then I lose my job. Okay?

You can take the train.
It's better for the environment anyway.

Then you can even...
read because it's so comfortable.

Man, I can't, it's a company car.
If I don't move it, someone else will.

- I can drive.
- No, I'd rather ask one of my friends.

- But we can be friends.
- No.

Okay, I get the message. First you
destroy my relationship, and now...

Why did you even bother
to save my life?

Are you crazy?
You haven't understood a thing.

I'm a breakup agent, that's my job and
your ex hired me to break up with you.

Now piss off! Get lost.
What a load of shit here.

Shit! A load of shit!

Shit!

Hey, it's Paul Voigt. Yeah, I know,
it's been a while. I have a question.

How was I supposed to know she was
your girlfriend? I mean... Hello?

Hey, Peter!

What, you're called Petra now?

Sarah, can you drive me?

Sorry, little brother.
Another time, okay?

Please, it's...

I need a driver.
I no longer have a license.

Now what?

Oh God.

Listen, I'll call you back.

Thorsten!

Oh God, oh God.

Shit.

Listen, you clown.
Can you please clear the road?

No. I'm lying here
because I want to die.

Great! What do we do now?

- Well, if he really wants to.
- Good.

- That'll be fun.
- Yeah, great fun.

Hey, have you completely lost it?

- I mean...
- What?

You can drive me. One week.

What, really?

Yeah, starting tomorrow.

Thank you, thank you!

- It worked!
- You assholes could have killed me.

You assholes!

Get your things
and we'll go inside. Okay?

Oh thanks, man.

Just get your things
and we'll go inside now...

Holy shit.

- Paul, are you awake?
- No.

I can't sleep.

- So count up to a hundred.
- I already got to 6,432.

Then have a beer or something.

- Can I get into bed with you?
- What? No. Get out.

I'm not gay or anything.
If that could make you change your mind.

No, it couldn't.
Now, good night. Out.

How mean.

Shit.

Are you insane?

I told you I can't sleep alone.
I'm your driver. I need rest, Paul.

You will never do that again.
Understood?

Never again. Okay?

What's that?

- What is it? What have you done?
- As I said. I couldn't sleep.

You can't just rearrange everything.

It's much better feng shui this way,
so the dragon's breath can flow freely.

What? The only breath
that has to flow is mine.

It's interesting with the photos.
I made an exhibition. Take her.

She's absolutely beautiful.

Who is she? Bound to be
your girlfriend. Your ex-girlfriend.

And here. Are you a divorce child?
The man's head has been torn off here.

- Must be your father.
- Give me that.

You're a fruitcake.
Really. You're a fruitcake.

I wonder what your star sign is.

So listen. Put all this

just where it was. Tidy all this up.

Gemini or Libra, 100 percent.

Everything okay?

Not really.

Who is that?

That is...

Thorsten Kuhlmann. I'm his driver.

Can you leave us alone a moment? Now.

Yes, sorry.

I lay awake all night thinking.
I don't want it like this.

I need someone who stays
even when it's difficult.

Someone who wants to be close to me.
Instead I always feel like...

I force you to do things.
And that feels awful.

Paul, I just want a normal relationship.

Preferably with you,

but it doesn't seem to be working.

- Don't you want to say anything?
- What am I supposed to say, I mean...

It's a bit of a surprise.

Listen...

I have an appointment anyway
and we need to be there at eleven.

Pity.

Goodbye then.

Single. Single.

Yes. It's great. Look. So free. Yeah?

Love is generally overrated anyway.

Hurry up,
my first appointment is at 11.30.

- The palm tree and the bedding stay here.
- It's my special bedding. I need it.

We'll be staying in hotels,
they have bedding.

But not for me.
I suffer from allergies.

- They're staying here.
- I need them.

- No. - Yes.
- No. - Yes...

Stop arguing!

My bedding!

- It's your responsibility.
- Okay. Now get in.

- Could you drive a bit faster, please?
- Safety first.

Step on it. We have ten
breakups in one week. At this speed

we'll need six months. We have to be
there in half an hour, so step on it.

You have come together here today

to wed for life before God.

I ask you Tim Bach,

have you come here

after careful consideration

and of your free will
to take your bride... - Emma!

Don't do it. Don't do it, please.

Listen.

I love you.

I've loved you
since the moment I first saw you, and...

even if I haven't earned another chance,
I've had lots of time to think, and...

I'd like to spend
the rest of my life with you.

Do you know him?

I'm sorry.

Oh God, this is terrible.
Shit, I'm so sorry for you.

I'll sort it out for you, okay?
People, everything's fine.

No panic. I'll sort it out.

Thank you.

Thanks! That's so cool.
I don't know how to thank you.

Next time just call sooner, then we can
find a more elegant solution.

Okay.

Recommend us to others. Then there's
ten percent off the next breakup.

You stay in the car and take a nap.

Okay?

Come on, I'm really hungry.
I must eat, or I'll get even more tired.

This is a routine job. I want to focus,
so stay in the car and sleep.

But I won't bother you, I promise.
I'll just eat a bit and leave.

An itty bitty bit.

I couldn't decide.

Could you sit over there.
Sit back there, the client's coming.

Wait. I brought something for you.
That's mine.

And that's yours.

Man, Toto. Shit.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Sorry.

Just look at...

Oh shit, shit.
I thought it had a screw top.

Listen, if the client comes now,
give her this...

and tell her to wait here.
Can you manage that?

Can you manage that?

Yes.

Hello?

It's broken. Use the ladies'.

Oh God!

Come on.

Shit.

Have you been waiting long?

I'm so glad you came.

I didn't know what else... - Excuse me,
I'm actually... - No, I'm not eating.

Is that yours? May I?

Please, please. Come off.

Shit.

It's strange telling you all this.

But what else can I do?
We've completely drifted apart.

I mean, he's not even interested
in me anymore.

Do you know what? We don't even
sleep with each other anymore.

Only on birthdays,

New Year's Eve, Easter,

or when he's completely plowed.

But that's odd. If I want sex more than
he does, then something's wrong.

And I love sex.

So do I.

Want some fries?

- Just the one.
- Tell me,

when did you last think
of your boyfriend's needs?

No idea.

You see, with men it's like this:

At the start of a relationship
they push really hard

to win the woman, but then...

after a while, their own interests
come back to the surface.

The problem is that the woman

is spoilt from the initial phase,
and she thinks it's normal.

But in reality,
it's the other way round.

I think you have a basic communication
problem. I'll tell you something.

Work on yourself,
press the right buttons

with your boyfriend,
and it will all be fine. I promise.

- You really think so?
- Sure, definitely. I guarantee it.

I mean, love is never a safe bank,

but who loves is right.

- Oh, can I give you a hug?
- Sure.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

- I'll pick him up straight from work.
- Yeah, he'll be glad.

- Okay, thanks. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.

Forgot my bag.

Bye, thanks.

Nice hairstyle.

Who was that?

How about some music?

Music is nice.

Hello, this is Planet Radio...

That's weird.
It's the song from when Kati and I met.

Have a great day.

Enough of this shitty music.
What's that puppet?

It's a talisman. It brings luck.

Oh shit, my boss.

Listen. You shut your trap.
Not a squeak from you!

Hello, boss.

So, how's it going?

Yeah, okay.

Okay or like shit?

Why?

Miss S?rger called to say thanks for
saving her relationship. Explanation?

- You shut your face.
- What?

What?

Miss S?rger, she just wanted
to go back to her boyfriend.

She was a bit funny, so I...
...blew the contract.

- Yes.
- Didn't you mention

how liberating a breakup can be?

Yes, I told her how liberating a...

Remember that time presses
if you're to be a partner.

Hello, boss? Hello?

Thanks a lot!

Why? I just wanted to tell her
that love is wonderful.

What? Love is a heap of shit.
Romantic love is worth nothing nowadays.

Every second marriage ends in divorce.
One year in love,

that's very rare, and three to six
months of excitement,

that's average.
And I don't give a shit what you think.

I have goals in my job.
I want to achieve them. Okay?

Got it? From now on, you stay out of it.
You are just the driver.

Load of shit.

How late is it?

One moment, I have that here I think.
"Profile options", here it is.

- What does it mean?
- It's the English way of saying things.

Ei gude wie, Jungs.

- What?
- I'm sorry,

my colleague has a strong
Hessian dialect.

Good evening, gentlemen.
How can we help you?

- My name is Voigt, I have a reservation.
- A reservation, just let me see.

There is, however, a problem here.

You only made a reservation for one,
Mr. Voicht. - Just for one.

- I'll take another room.
- Not alone, I'll be tired tomorrow.

You'll have to sleep alone. There.

- Not quite right. We only have one room.
- Just one.

- The Frankfurt Fair. - Fair. - No can do.
- No can do. Fair. - Fair. Frankfurt.

What now? Then...

Then with twin beds.

Press "double room". "D", twice.

- Twice?
- Two times, "D".

Now press "twin room".

- Z. - Z.
- Twice. - Twice.

With breakfast.

Breakfast? Then press...

Attachment. F.

- For two.
- For two. And again.

So, now you ask

if a late checkout is required.

Is a late checkout required?

Not me! The gentlemen.

Is a late checkout required?

- No.
- Told you so. Berliners!

So I press B, do I?

So, gentlemen.

Thanks.

This way, please!

What an awesome view!
I'm sleeping by the window.

There.

Paul? Are you coming?

Good night, sweetheart.

- Look at this. It's my girlfriend Kati.
- I know.

It's strange.

Last time I was here in Frankfurt
it was with Kati.

I always wanted to go to America.

Because of the skyscrapers.

But it was too expensive. No money.

And Kati invited me
on a trip to Frankfurt.

And now...

Now I'm sitting here with you
in Frankfurt, but...

without Kati.

I miss her so badly.

You must be missing yours as well.

- Be quiet. I have to work tomorrow.
- Me, too. I'm the driver.

But you talk all the time. It's time
to sleep now, so go to sleep. Yeah?

It's starting again.
I need anti-allergy bedding.

Now it's shooting down my back.
I ought to do an exercise.

I can't feel my legs.

Then do an exercise.

Do your exercise, alright?
Do your exercise.

Oh God.

It's not helping.

Actually it's a partner exercise.

Can you help me, Paul?

I'll keep quiet then.

Okay. What shall I do?

Sit on me, pull here, then press.
And rock. Yeah, like that.

Come here.

Yes, like that.

And rock.

Oh yeah, it's loosening.

Yuk, that is so gross!

You farted in my face, you moron!

Hello, "Happy End
Breakup Agency", Voigt.

Mr. Voigt, it's Kati Dreher,

Thorsten Kuhlmann's girlfriend.

I don't know if you remember.

Sure I do. What's up?

I just wanted to ask

how Thorsten is, how he took it.

Paul, do you want fresh juice?
Or something else?

He can be fragile...

Fresh juice?

He took it well. He's in great form.
The breakup

seems to have done him good.

That's... great.

- I miss him a bit.
- That's normal, Miss Dreher.

You're going through
what everyone goes through.

Probably you're considering

calling him, but just let him be.

Think of his negative qualities,
the psychological anomalies,

his appearance, the musty scarf.

The scarf!

I could tell you a story about that.

Here's some advice.
Write a list of pro's and con's.

- Learn the cons by rote, bin the pros.
- Fine.

Can you tell me where he is anyway?

I've got... I have to go.

The lady there
just asked for my room number.

No way!

Amazing, eh?

Who was that?

That was... someone who's doubting
the breakup was the right thing.

It happens sometimes.

Really? What do you say then?

I convince them
the breakup was absolutely right.

And if Kati had called?

Yeah, then I probably wouldn't.

Thanks Paul. I didn't think you would.

But really, stop talking about Kati.

You have to meet another woman.

Or several women.
You have to break free.

Embrace life.

821!

Not now, man.

We have a busy schedule. Let's go.

- Do you do it yourself?
- No. Someone else does that.

For seductions
I have the best man money can buy.

No, not him.

Good, I was wondering.

The nuptial contract means she'd get 40%
of everything. I mean everything!

But not...

- if she's unfaithful.
- I'm told

80% of wives have been unfaithful.

But not Gabriela.

I've had so many detectives tailing her.

I got her a cute personal trainer,
I hired her a gardener from Brazil,

and nothing happened. Nothing!
It didn't work. It's shit.

Yeah, that's shit.

The problem is...

Gabriela's changed over the years.
Let herself go, if you get my drift.

I'll take care of it for you.

I'm counting on you.

Paul, thanks for the nice suit.

Now we really are "Men in Black".
You're Will Smith, I'm Tommy D. Jones.

- Cool guy.
- Shut up.

What does the "D" stand for?

I mean it won't be for Detlef.

- There she is. Fuck!
- Why? That's good.

- No, it's not good. Richy isn't there.
- Who? - The gigolo guy.

Shit.

Where are you? We've been waiting
for 40 minutes. Where are you?

You're breaking up. Where are you?

You're in Frankfurt Oder? What for?
We're in Frankfurt am Main!

- I... Frankfurt Main!
- It's 600 km, he won't make it.

Richy, that's shit.
It's... never mind. Bye.

Let's drink!

Shit.

- I only have a week and I can't screw up.
- What will you do?

Buy them a drink.

Fill them up, lay them, you'll see.

Lay them?

So, good evening, ladies.

You look like you need a drink.
Can I buy you a round?

Yes.

Do you come here often?
Haven't seen you before.

We've never seen you here before.

So, I'm paying,
you choose what you want.

Good.

Vodka.

That's a woman to my taste!

Come on, girls!

Oh shit. I feel sick.

- What?
- Of course it didn't work.

She can hold her drink.

She's not here to be chatted up.
She wants to dance.

Look at the woman.
You must dance to win her.

- I know, I was a dance teacher.
- For real?

Yes.

Super.

I know what you're thinking.
No way, I'm not doing it.

You owe me anyway. Okay?

You do my bit, I do yours.
I'll go to the hotel.

- No. It's immoral.
- It's not immoral. It's a test.

She could be faithful
and not cheat on her husband.

You're helping her find the truth.

If she passes, it's fine.
If not, we all have clarity.

It's no test. You don't know
the effect I have on women when I dance.

So show me!

- Go.
- Wish me luck, Paul.

Off you go then.

You dance funny.

- I was a dance teacher.
- Are you here on your own?

Yes.

Alone.

Good.

It's working.

I can still do it.

Now we make love.

Oh yeah.

Here we are.

Come here.

- That feels good.
- Yeah, come on. - Get on there!

You want to play games?
I love playing games!

- Don't you like it? - I love it!
- I'm not really like this.

- Don't you find me attractive?
- Yes, you're amazing.

Look at me. Not from down there.
Stand up.

Yeah, that's good.