Schizopolis (1996) - full transcript
Fletcher Munson is a lethargic, passive worker for a Scientology-like self-help corporation called Eventualism. After the death of a colleague, he is promoted to the job of writing speeches for T. Azimuth Schwitters, the founder and head of the group. He uses this as an excuse to be emotionally and romantically distant from his wife, who, he discovers, is having an affair with his doppelganger, a dentist named Dr. Jeffrey Korchek. As Munson fumbles with the speech and Korchek becomes obsessed with a new patient, a psychotic exterminator named Elmo Oxygen goes around the town seducing lonely wives and taking photographs of his genitals.
And action.
Ladies and gentlemen,
young and old...
this may seem
an unusual procedure...
speaking to you
before the picture begins...
but we have
an unusual subject.
Turn.
When I say that this is the most important
motion picture you will ever attend...
my motivation
is not financial gain...
but a firm belief that the delicate fabric
that holds all of us together...
will be ripped apart unless every man,
woman and child in this country...
sees this film
and pays full ticket price...
not some bargain matinee,
cut-rate deal.
Turn.
In the event that you find
certain sequences or ideas confusing...
please bear in mind that this
is your fault, not ours.
You will need to see the picture again
and again until you understand everything.
Turn.
In closing,
I want to assure you...
that no expense
was incurred...
bringing this motion picture
to your theater.
And now,
filmed in its entirety...
and proven to heal
minor cuts and abrasions...
we proudly present Schizopolis.!
His best-seller, Here I Am Now...
helped you find yourself.
His groundbreaking sequel,
How To Control Your Own Mind...
taught you how to think.
Now T.Azimuth Schwitters, author of the
earth-shattering manifesto Eventualism...
and the world's
most influential thinker...
is appearing in person February 11...
at the Civic Sports Memorial
Performing Arts Theatre Dome.
Tickets on sale
wherever tickets are sold.
All my anxieties subsided.
My life before was full
of rituals and habits.
There was a time when, for instance,
I was brushing my teeth...
every 15 minutes
because I couldn't remember...
- Really?
- if I had just brushed them.
And, in fact, I almost lost
all my teeth.
- But you don't do that now?
- No, no. Not anymore.
I see.
Um, that's great.
- So, you felt relief? Uh, you feel free?
- Yes,yes.
Any other words you'd use
to describe how you feel now?
Uh, I feel in control.
I feel... much happier
than I've ever been.
There's just one more thing
I need to ask you...
- and then I'll, uh, be out of your hair.
- Sure.
Uh, are you currently taking
any sort of medication?
Oh, no. No.
- No? Really? Okay.
- No. Really.
- Yeah?
- Your brother on two.
Oh, fuck! Okay.
- Stop it.
- Have you thought about it?
I don't have to think about it.
How long before they figure out
you don't have a brother?
First, I am born. Then the trouble begins.
At age five,
I fantasize that I'm an orphan...
by trying to lose my parents
at a Fourth ofJuly celebration.
They find me.
At age nine,
I have an out-of-body experience...
while playing right field.
Three runs score.
At age 15, I'm seized
by an acute sensation...
that something terrible
will happen to me.
#Inside out in his ear #
# Upside down in his ear #
# Over and over your head #
# Over and over your head #
# Open your mind to it
Close your behind to it #
# Changing your mind to it #
#Kiss it #
#Are you gonna get with it #
#Are you gonna get with it #
- #Are you gon--##
- I don't usually do these sorts of things--
- um, interviews.
- All right.
- Is this being filmed or taped?
- It's filmed.
Sir? Sir, are you okay?
Well, we have
a myocardial infarction...
of the interior wall
of the left ventricle...
Sir? Sir?
Can you hear me?
secondary to
a thrombosis occlusion...
of the interior descending branch
of the left coronary artery.
Um, we should
press on his chest.
Probably both were caused
by a fat-laden diet and sedentary lifestyle...
- Maybe you should just go call an ambulance.
- Yeah, okay.
which, when combined with
a stressful work environment...
leads to
a myocardial infarction...
of the interior wall
of the left ventricle.
- Right, right.
- Yeah.
And I'm feeling really awful
to begin with...
even before that
horrible thing happened.
And so when things
got really terrible, l--
wondering how much more
depressing this can be...
and I saw this sad show
about an unhappy couple.
Look, uh--
I'm sorry.
I'm right--
I've got to do this thing.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, no, it's just--
No, I know I'm just
this sad, gloomy...
- wretched depressed guy.
- No.
- And it's-- No, I know.
- No, it's--
No, if we can just
do this another time.
- Okay. My stomach's
kind of hurting me anyway.
- Okay.
Dark circles under the eyes.
Ambulatory discontent.
Tendency to watch
the Spice Channel.
Combined with a fat-laden diet
and sedentary lifestyle...
could result in fatigue,
psychoneurotic disorder...
hyperparasympathetic echo effect,
dark circles under the eyes.
- Oh, hey. How's it goin'?
- Oh, not good.
- Okay. I'll see ya.
Fletch.
- Hey.
- Did you hear about Lester?
- Wh-What?
- Heart attack. This morning.
- You're kidding.
- Yeah,just dropped dead.
- My God. Well, did somebody call Shelly?
- Yeah.
They called her
from the hospital.
I mean,
you could see it comin'.
- What do you mean?
- Well, the guy ate like hell...
had chronic insomnia.
- We can pray, but you don't really have--
- His blood pressure...
was way high...
and I think he had some
symptoms of diabetes too.
- Wh-What are those?
- Sneakin'candy bars.
Swollen ankles.
Constantly running
to the bathroom...
to, uh, urinate.
Hmm.
- Oh, and you know how Lester
didn't write anything down.
- Right.
Well, now they're looking for
a speech...
and it's in his head,
and he's dead.
-Hmm.
-Oh, but what I really came here to tell you is...
I placed another order.
- So... you'll be getting another shipment.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- So, if you could keep--
- I'll keep an eye out. Yeah. All right.
- Thank you so much.
- Take it easy. Don't work too hard.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Your uncle on four.
My uncle. All right.
Goddamn it.
- What? Hello.
- Fifty grand.
And that's our opening offer.
You could probably talk us up.
What? Why don't you guys
leave me alone?
We could do that. Of course,
then we'd just have to call somebody else.
Often, a person of this, uh--
a person of this type imagines himself...
the subject of a--
of a detailed biography.
He's incapable of experiencing
any emotion...
or event,
no matter how trivial...
- You didn't mark it.
- Yeah?
no matter how insignificant--
A person is often incapable
of experiencing any event or emotion...
no matter how insignificant...
without imagining it set in type
and scrutinized by the public.
Arsenal. Nose army.
Um, nose army.
Uh, beef diaper?
Nomenclature.
- I like him.
- Very much.
Throbbing
dust generation.
- Drum tissue outburst.
-Jigsaw.
Uh, fragment chief butter.
King surgery mind?
Moneybucket.
Precision
galley sponge.
Smell sign.
Let's take a moment and talk
about Azimuth Schwitters.
What is your opinion of
Schwitters and the organization?
Oh, that Azimuth Schwitters...
he's the worst kind
of charlatan...
and raconteur you can imagine.
He's built
a multimillion-dollar empire...
out of dupin'
the American public...
with this scheme--
movement--and it's nothing more
than a series of rambling...
solipsistic musings
about relieving oneself...
of all sense
of personal responsibility...
and responsibility
to the community too.
And worse than that,
we have information from inside sources...
that he's beginning to get
a little off in the head...
and his business manager's
having to run everything for him.
I've devoted myself to exposing this leader
for the fraud that he is, and--
- Are you all right?
- My-- My tooth.
- Can we do this again?
- Yeah, let's do it-- let's do it again.
Hey, is that a way to talk to a lady?
Ow!
Oh,yes!
Oh!
How long is this gonna take?
You've been through all six floors.
- He has 11 cars.
- Eleven?
He doesn't have 11 cars.
Ask him. We've been to his house.
- What were you doing at his house?
- Washing cars.
May I finish?
- So I was speaking with
this guy from Statistics...
- I don't drink coffee.
- No, these are for me.
- who says, uh, we have a mole...
in here somewhere,
or something.
- What do you mean, "a mole"?
- Who's got a mole?
No, a mole
is a spy.
Apparently there's a guy in Creative
who's leaking information--
- Who?
- A guy.
Leaking information
to Thaddeus Tribby.
Now... this guy
tells me...
the Right-Hand Man
has got himself a mole.
- A spy and a mole?
- No, I didn't say that.
I said there's a guy
leaking inf--
You said there's a guy
leaking information to Tribby.
- Correct.
- That's the spy.
Then you said the Right-Hand Man
got himself a mole...
I would assume
to check on the spy.
- That's two people.
- Okay, there's a spy, and there's a mole.
That's twice as many
as a minute ago.
Everybody I know has been here
at least three years.
- How long have you been here?
- Long enough.
I say the guy that told you is the mole.
No, that's impossible.
He's been here seven years.
I've worked with this guy
since the mail room.
- You're the mole.
- No, no, no. He's the spy.
- No, he's the spy.
- If I were the spy...
would I be standing here
saying there's a spy?
- Maybe.
- And a mole?
- It's good cover.
- Right. Forget it.
I am not the source on this,
and I'm serious.
Okay, it's clear!
You can get back to work!
Hoodwink scatter bark?
Hasty land mine?
Ambassador
jumpsuit land mine.
Munson!
I don't need to tell you
how critical this is.
Hometown. Pay-per-view.
The eyes of the media. Here's what I need.
It should be lengthy enough
to... seem substantial...
yet concise enough
to feel breezy.
It should be serious...
but with a slight wink.
It should lay out
a new course of action...
but one that can
change direction at any moment.
If you must mention facts and figures,
don't do so directly.
The general thrust...
should remain embedded
in one's mind forever...
but specific words should be forgotten
the moment they are heard.
It should contain nothing
that can't be confirmed or denied.
It should be on my desk
Friday morning.
- Is there something you want me--
- Lester Richards...
has fucked me...
has fucked Mr. Schwitters...
and has fucked
the entire corporation.
You're writing the speech!
- I can't.
- Are you telling me that you can't...
take a substantial raise
or that huge new office?
Is that what
you're telling me?
- Friday?
- 10:00 a.m.
I'll just--
About your promotion,
l-I just wanted to let you know...
that even though
you've been promoted...
ahead of a lot of other people
that have been here a lot longer than you...
that, uh,
nobody seems to resent you.
That I've talked to...
recently.
So, congratulations.
Thanks. Thanks.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- Fine.
Is your wife coming over tonight?
'Cause her big ass always
leaves me satisfied.
Nice of you to mention her. She enjoys sex
with you much more than she does with me.
I'm sure she says that to all the men
in the neighborhood.
You may be right
about that one.
- I'll see ya later.
- Okay.
Generic greeting.
- Generic greeting returned.
- Mmm.
Mm-wah. Mm-wah.
- Imminent sustenance.
- Overly dramatic statement...
regarding upcoming meal.
Ooh. False reaction indicating
hunger and excitement.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Frog level. Elmo.
- Elmo.
- Nose army.
- Nose army.
Green Bay shuffleboard?
Sanity wedlock.
Sodium bypass.
Wigwam.
Uh, gypsy land mine?
Calculator
revised land mine?
Zygote! Cheap rebound?
Zygote.
Teahouse grain structure.
Uh, mellow rhubarb turbine?
Culture turbine.
-Jigsaw. Smell sign.
-Jigsaw.
Smell sign.
Yow!
That's right.
- Put this bear wearing a hat.
- Obligation.
- The bear wears the hat.
- Greeting.
Response indicating
caller mistake.
- Mistake.
- I don't know.
Semi-innocent query.
Convincingly confused.
Yeah. See, now the bear--
the bear goes into the box.
And so, at this point...
we see him exhibiting
diagonal characteristics...
as opposed to
horizontal characteristics.
What does that mean?
Haven't you read my manual?
Eventualism is not a cause...
a course, a fashion,
or a religion.
Eventualism is a state of mind.
Time and again we see the reliance
on a proven methodology--
a methodology separate
from human experience...
built upon figures,
not feelings...
which encourages our dependence
on the empirical world...
a world with no room
for ground-rule doubles.
Damn it!
Imminent departure.
Return as discussed.
- Acknowledged.
- Uh, location of offspring.
Acknowledged.
- Secretary blindfold?
- Mmm.
Whale blanket.
- Scratch pad horoscope.
- Hmm.
Chew bone.
Rubber belly flesh frame.
Flesh frame jigsaw. Sneeze?
Sneeze.
Generic greeting.
Generic greeting. Obligatory question
about the evening's activities.
Oh, qualified,
vaguely positive reply.
Uninspired description of movie and
subsequent conversation with girlfriend.
Ooh, really well-rehearsed speech
about workload and stress.
Genuine sorrow.
Um, truthful-sounding promises
of future satisfaction?
Enticement to agree?
- Accepted.
- Gratitude.
I'm just going to make
this brief statement...
on behalf
of A.R.H.A.D.L.
The spreading of these erroneous and offensive
descriptions has gone on for decades...
and we find ourselves
once again...
having to make
a public statement.
Racehorses do not urinate
more frequently...
or at greater length
than non-racing horses...
or, for that matter,
any mammal of comparable size.
This organized,
publicly-sanctioned slander must stop.
Lester Richards is dead...
and aren't you glad
it wasn't you?
Don't you wish
you felt something?
How many men here are attracted
to Shelly, his--his lovely wife?
She's a babe.
And how many women here wish that
their husbands would drop dead...
and leave them
a big, fat insurance policy?
Yes, I thought so.
Hell, it'll be years before you figure out
what Lester's death really means.
So let's forget the blah-blah-blah
and go have a drink. Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Eccentric money.
- Mmm, nose army.
Pacifist cottage.
- Belgian disregard?
- Aw, genius kidney.
Dine, dining, death rattle,
monkey callousness.
Adirondack.
Smell sign.
Smell sign.
- Now?
- No. Not now.
- But soon.
- Yeah, soon.
Everybody thinks I'm the mole.
E-Everybody.
And those people that don't think
I'm the mole, they think I'm the spy.
I gotta find out who it really is
so people will stop thinking that.
Listen. I think
this whole spy/mole thing...
is just a creation
of the Right-Hand Man...
to keep everybody
paranoid and scared.
I'm scared, but that's terrible, because that's
exactly how the mole would act...
if he was trying
to not be the mole, you know?
l-I do-- I don't know
what to tell you.
Well, I wish you would tell me something,
because you are the only person I trust.
Although, I don't believe
a word you say.
Yesterday, you said,
"Appearances."
I thought you said,
"A fear is this."
Weird.
"A fear is this."
Hey, hey.
No, don't do that.
I mean, they won't let you,
but you shouldn't do that.
I forget.
These new rules.
- How's, um-- How's Diane?
- Terrible.
She's getting thinner every day.
I mean, I really think
the woman has betrayed me...
because when I married her nine months ago,
she was fat as a house.
- She was big. Big. Yeah.
- Huge. She was big.
Nice. And now,
nine months later...
she's skinny
and getting skinnier.
I should have known.
They say...
- Her mom's thin. Yeah, right.
- "Look at the mother. "
- I looked at the father.
- Yeah, 'cause her dad's big.
Right. I looked at him,
and I thought--
But no, the mother and her,
they just sit all day...
- eating nothing on purpose--
- Munson?
- Munson!
- I'm-- I'm--
I'm formatting right now.
It's formatting.
Shit. Can you see this isn't on?
Hi.
- Hi.
- I want to drop these off.
- Okay.
- Uh, when do you think they'll be ready?
- Uh, 3:00.
- Oh, great.
Hey, is that a way to talk to a lady? Ow!
Nose army.
Nose army!
Vienna dog. Cologne.
Dog cologne land mine.
Jigsaw.
# Wanna be at home
in the morning #
# Wanna be alone
when I'm snoring #
#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack
and paddywhack and don't look back #
#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #
#Skiddle la-la-dee
Doo doo la-la-lee-a #
#Skiddle la-la-dee
Doo doo la-la-lee-a #
#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack
and paddywhack and don't look back #
#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #
#Lookin'in, lookin'out
It's so hard to see #
#Leaking in, leaking out
Gonna be your baby when
you say you drive me crazy #
#And I wanna be at home
in the morning #
# Wanna be alone
when I'm snoring #
#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack
and paddywhack and don't look back #
#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #
#Diddy-daddy wallaloo ##
Ooh!
Excuse me, Mr. Oxygen.
- Hi.
- Hi. Oh, you two guys are from the--
- How are you?
- Can we have a word with you?
- Sure, sure.
- We can't help but notice that
you're a fascinating character.
- Very compelling.
- More fascinating than the things
you're being given to do.
- Spraying houses.
- Taking pictures of yourself.
- Driving around.
- We think you're in need of another venue.
- In which you are the main attraction.
- And paid accordingly.
Oh, oh, you see,
well, we haven't done...
the bulk of my stuff yet,
and we're gonna do that next week.
- Uh-huh. Why don't you know
what you'll be doing exactly?
- Right.
- If you're such an integral part.
- What guarantee do you have?
Oh, these guys are my friends.
I've worked with them before.
This is not our first project,
and they told me...
so l-- I trust
what they tell me.
- Trust.
- Friends. Hmm.
What are you-- What are you offering?
- A vehicle.
- A showcase.
A shortcut.
Okay.
Okay, okay, I'm in.
Fuck you guys!
No more of this mayonnaise, this shit!
I'm outta here!
Fuck you.
Anything that can be imagined
is legitimate.
Any action that is contemplated
can be taken.
Eventualism isn't designed
to answer all questions.
It's designed
to question all answers.
It's not about healing pain.
It's about the pain of healing.
It's not about the struggle of--
Your car dealer on line one.
My car--
Listen. This is the last time I'm taking
one of these calls. Do you understand me?
- It's the right thing to do.
- No, it's not the right thing to do.
It's a betrayal.
You're right.
And 50 is an insult.
You wouldn't be comfortable
with anything less than a hundred.
They're tracing the calls here
because of the bomb threats...
although you probably know that because
you're probably making the bomb threats.
- We don't need bombs. We've got you.
- You don't have me.
Munson?
Munson!
Uh, uh, proofing.
Proofing. Right now.
- It's Rudolph Alan.
- What? What? What?
- He hit me.
- Unprovoked? He hit you.
For no reason, he hit you.
I said that I knew he'd been telling people
I was the mole, and he hit me!
He's a hothead.
He hits everybody.
Which is why he's a stupid choice
for a spy or a mole. He can't control himself.
Which is the perfect cover.
That way he's so obvious
about being a spy...
that way no one knows
he's the actual spy.
All right. All right.
What if the person
who is the mole...
is so good
at being the mole...
that the Right-Hand Man
picks him to be the spy?
Wow. That's perfect. That way he could
manipulate his own investigation.
Right.Just like
in No Way Out.
I gotta think about that.
I just have a sore spot.
- Oh, you got a problem with your teeth?
- Mm-hmm.
- I have just the guy.
- Really?
Yeah. He does bleaching,
he does bonding, he does scraping.
He does filing.
I go to him twice a week.
- It's not bad.
- And he's cheap. And he speaks Italian.
- You speak Italian, don't you?
- No.
Oh, well, anyway,
he's fabulous.
- This is like,just a loose cap.
- I mean, look at my teeth.
- Look. Look.
- They're gorgeous.
- They're beautiful.
- Mm-hmm. I know.
Yeah, he does the lady on Channel 9.
You know, the one with the big teeth?
- Wow. What's his name?
- Yeah.
Dr. Korchek.
- Dr. Korchek.
- Yeah. Oh.
And if you ever have
a problem with bugs...
I have just the guy.
Bugs.
The fallacy that work
under pressure...
results in a direct pipeline
to creative genius...
uh, that divine inspiration...
can be conjured by...
well, anything but the most, uh...
mind-bending concentration...
now, this is
the world of the poseur--
the, uh, pretender,
the fraud.
Th-- This is the worst
piece of shit I've ever read.
No, really. The worst!
What have you been doin',
Munson? Jackin' off all day?
Why did you give me this?
- You said you wanted to see a draft.
- You're absolutely right.
I said I wanted
to see a draft.
I didn't want to see a misdirected,
panic-induced...
cretinous little piece of shit.
Maybe if I were able to talk
to Mr. Schwitters, I could--
You don't need to talk
to Mr. Schwitters.
He told me personally through his assistant
that I am to handle this.
Is there any way
we could adjust the deadline?
- What's the deadline?
- Friday.
Okay, now it's Thursday.
What's that moron?
The one that used to work in your section.
The one who wore
the brown shirt all the time.
- Oh, Nameless Numberheadman?
- Yeah. Send him in.
- Here you go.
- Thanks. Uh, did they all come out okay?
Yeah. Yeah, they came out. Okay?
Great.
He said it was 'cause I wasn't getting
any work done, but that is not true.
And I know it's 'cause Nick
and Ellen and all those guys...
told him I was the mole.
Listen to me.
Listen to me. The--
There is no mole. Okay?
- How do you know?
- Because I've been getting calls for weeks...
from some guy offering me money
for information.
If they had somebody inside, they would not
be calling me on the phone offering money.
It doesn't make sense.
But maybe the calls
are coming from the spy...
trying to trick you
into becoming a mole.
I'm-- I'm not gonna miss you.
Oh, call me
when that package shows up.
- Oh, okay.
- Do you have any money?
- #Ba-boo #
- # Oh, my darling #
# On my soul #
So... I walk
right into his office.
I said,
"Right-Hand Man...
"Lester's dead.
He's gonna be dead a long time.
"When are you gonna put me in
my rightful position in his office...
where I belong?"
Did you want some of these?
'Cause-- You sure?
He had no expression
on his face at all.
He said nothing except,
"Let me think about it."
I said, "Think about it?
Why don't you think
about this? I quit!"
I said that.
I said the words, "I quit."
I never felt so light in all my--
You sure you don't want any of these?
Did you eat anything today
at all besides yogurt?
So, lightly, feelin' great,
like a new man...
I walk out, and it comes
crashing down on me...
"Oh, my God.
Ten years down the drain."
I drive home,
sink in my chair, and...
I'm not ashamed to say
l-I cried.
But it's better this way, right?
It's better.
I don't want to end up
like Lester.
You don't want me to end up--
Lester's dead!
No one wants to be like Lester.
Not even Lester.
I got it.
It's probably them.
Eat, please.
Hello.
Uh,yeah,
this is he.
Um, yes.
Uh, yeah.
l-I guess so. Um--
Yeah, I'll, uh, be home
the rest of the evening.
If you want. Sure.
You're welcome to come by anytime.
Maybe till, uh--
Well, l-I sleep here.
I'll be here
all night.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Oh, wow!
Munson!
Polishing. Polishing.
- Yes.
- Okay, I'm in.
Sorry.
We got somebody else.
Wha--
Explorations one through six.
One: Enormous expansion.
Two: The absolute
and essential role.
Three:
Public perception of reality.
Four:
Transcendent idea of reality.
Five:
The collective unconscious.
Six: Long overdue recognition
of our own significance.
Explorations one through six.
One: Enormous expansion.
Two: The absolute
and essential role.
Mr. Nameless Numberheadman?
- Yes, that's me.
- We spoke on the phone.
I have some documents
for you to sign.
Please. Come in.
Thank you.
I brought over some documents
for you to sign.
And the first one here
that you're gonna sign...
is telling us that you're giving us
this information exclusively.
And then the one underneath
is so that you can get your check.
If you'd sign here,
please.
Has ever--
anyone ever told you...
that you're
incredibly attractive?
Excuse me?
Don't make me
say it again.
- Hello.
- Hi, it's me.
I told him I'm gonna go to
a movie with Judy.
So I'll be there at about
a quarter to 8:00.
Uh, okay.
Oh, my God.
I'm having an affair
with my wife.
So, what is Fletcher
working on now?
Uh, some speech
for Azimuth Schwitters.
Oh, is this the one
on the 11 th?
Mm-hmm.
And you said
he's having a hard time?
Uh, I don't know.
It's-- I guess so.
He comes in every night
with this, uh...
"Honey, I'm home" face.
And he pretends
to like my cooking...
which I know
I'm a shitty cook.
So, after supper,
I try to get him to talk, and...
he's so preoccupied
that he doesn't hear what I say.
So he doesn't want to talk.
He doesn't wanna fuck.
So I come here.
Hmm.
I better go. Oh.
We never watched this.
Well, bring it next time,
and we'll look at it.
Wh-Why don't you leave?
I'd like to get dressed first.
No. I mean,
why don't you leave him?
Oh. Oh. Uh, okay.
Then what?
Well, then we could--
- I mean, I could--
- Listen to you.
- Like you know what you want?
- Well, I know I want you.
I have all this money put away
that's just sitting there.
Will you think about it?
Okay. I'll think about it.
So, are you going to
Madam Rosa's tomorrow?
I said I would.
You say a lot of things.
Bye.
We interrupt this program
to bring you a news bulletin.
Scientists at NASA have confirmed that
the comet Havarti is on course toward Earth.
The odds of the comet colliding directly with
our planet are being calculated at this moment.
In a related story,
the price of capturing, restraining...
and institutionalizing
a naked man in a T-shirt...
remains stable at
around $367.50.
Is that good?
This is very interesting.
- What do you see?
- I see major changes.
- Major changes.
- Really?
Yes. This is-- This is--
This is quite dramatic.
You're going to be
experiencing major changes.
- They involve a woman.
- Really.
- Yes. I see a woman--
- But it's not my mother.
No, it's not your mother. It's-- It's--
It's gonna be happening soon.
It's-- It's something--
Well, it will require a move.
It will require...
drastic changes
in your life.
Wow. Um, any idea
of a time frame?
- No.
- A week? Tonight?
- Uh, it will be soon.
- Soon?
But this is--
This is a woman you don't know.
- You haven't met her yet.
- Oh. Wow.
This is big. This is going to be a big
transformation in your life.
- Morning, Rene.
- Good morning.
- How are you?
- I'm fine. How are you?
Good. Uh, how's it
looking today?
It's pretty busy today.
- Really. Uh,
- Yes.
why don't you give me about 10 minutes,
and then send the first patient in.
- Okay.
- Great.
All right.
Now, you see this, uh, shadow here, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. That's our culprit.
To fix that will be
a three-stage process.
Do you think you can make
that sort of commitment?
- Oh, yes.
- Great.
You don't have to floss
all your teeth.
Just the ones
you want to keep.
Bob, that's a really
kind offer. It really is.
But I'm just dug in deep here.
I'm afraid Florida would really be a shock...
although everybody I've talked to
just says great things about Tampa.
Remember, be true
to your teeth...
and they won't be false
to you.
Carol, it's Dr. Korchek.
Is Greg in?
No, he's not, Dr. Korchek.
Can I have him get back to you?
Yes. Uh, tell him
to call me at my office.
What time are you
expecting him?
I'm not sure. He hasn't called in today,
uh, to check his messages.
- All righty. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
I may vote Republican,
but I'm a firm believer in gum control.
Do you have time
to squeeze someone in at 5:00?
She was recommended by a patient,
and she's in some pain.
Um, okay.
And Mr. Martinez is here.
I'll be right out.
Mr. Martinez.
- How are you? Yeah.
- Hey, Doc.
- Got terrible tooth.
- Oh, okay.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you schedule some time with Rene.
If anything has changed
since I saw you this morning...
- we'll take care of it, okay?
- Thanks, Doc.
All righty.
Hi, how are you?
Dr. Korchek.
Um, I think we're gonna be able to--
to squeeze you... in.
And, um, uh, if you'll just fill out
one of the insurance questionnaires--
the name and address
and, uh, uh, phone number...
then we'll--
we'll get right to work.
- Thank you.
- Okay. Terrific.
All right.
I, um--
I think I see what
your problem is...
- and I think I can help you.
- Good.
It may involve me
seeing you more than once.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
Then we'll
get started.
Okay.
Here's my card.
There's a number there.
Uh, you can reach me
after hours in the evening...
just in case there's an emergency recurrence,
anything like that.
- This says Jiffy Massage.
- Oh. I was holding that for Rene.
Um, if there's a problem,
contact me.
Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Dear Attractive Woman #2:
Only once in my life
have I responded to another person...
the way I've responded to you.
But I've forgotten when it was,
or even if it was in fact me that responded.
I may not know much, but I know
that the wind sings your name endlessly...
although with a slight lisp
that makes it difficult to understand...
if I'm standing
near an air conditioner.
I know that your hair
sits atop of your head as though...
it could sit nowhere else.
I know that your figure
would make a sculptor cast aside his tools...
injuring his assistant who was looking out
the window instead of paying attention.
I know that your lips are as full
as that sexy French model's...
that I desperately want to fuck.
I know that if I could for an instant
have you lie next to me...
or on top of me, or sit on me,
or stand over me and shake...
then I would be
the happiest man in my pants.
I know all of this,
and yet you do not know me.
Change your life.
Accept my love.
Or at least let me
pay you to accept it.
Sincerely,
Dr.Jeffrey Korchek.
No! Stop it!
How's that? Is that-- Is that good?
Is that all right?
Shut up! Is that all right? Is that good?
For two months.
- Two months she's been on me.
- Right.
I miss you. I want to kiss you.
Come down and--you know.
- Right.
- I get down there...
- last night at midnight,
there's somebody else there.
- Oh.
And the fucking bus
is gone.
- I gotta wait till 5:00
in the morning for the next bus.
- Right.
Anyway. It'll just be
for a few days, man.
I can't.
I just can't do it.
I can't. And I gotta tell you, you know,
this whole drug thing, uh--
I'm a doctor.
I can get you drugs.
You shouldn't be hanging out with these--
these thugs, these criminals.
- You can come to me.
- Heroin?
No. Heroin l-- I can't get. But Darvocet
I can get in enormous quantities.
Darvocet?
What do I look like, a housewife?
Well, consider it
a standing offer.
Just be for a few days.
Come on.
I can't. l-- l--
I'm repainting the-- the house now.
It's just--
It's a terrible time.
It's perfect.
For 10,000 bucks,
I'll paint the house.
That's-- That's an outrageous figure.
You know that.
For painting a house.
But I'll-- I'll get this.
Don't worry about this. This is on me. Okay?
And then another funny thing
happened, followed by two things...
that were pretty amusing.
And the whole thing ended
with something that was just hysterical.
Hello?
- I did it.
- You did what?
I thought about what you said, and I left him.
That's great.
Tsk. Oh, honey.
Oh, that's great.
- Um, before you do that,
- Mm-hmm?
I need to
tell you something.
- What?
- Um...
- today at work,
- Mm-hmm.
l-- I met this person.
- "This person"?
- Yeah.
Is it a male
or female?
- It was a woman person.
- Uh-huh.
And, um,
something happened.
- What happened?
- Well, something happened for me.
I don't think that
anything happened for her necessarily...
but something happened for me--
this feeling.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like this kind of falling for someone feeling.
Falling like you
fell for me feeling?
Well...
with us it was more, I think,
of an incline than a fall.
It wasn't like--
You know what I mean?
- So--
- The result was the same, but it wasn't a fall.
It was a slide.
But this was a fall,
I think.
So?
So, I thought I should
say something about it before--
- "Before."
- You know.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Are you--
Are you leaving?
Don't talk to me,
you worm.
There was a time--
There was a time
when I felt like an old rag...
with a stain that
you couldn't get out.
And you were like--
You were like a piece
of rotting fruit on a windowsill.
And it was great.
You worm!
The federal government announced today that,
in an effort to eradicate the national debt...
it will be selling the state of Rhode Island
to a group of private investors...
for a reported
$18 billion.
The investors plan to enclose
the entire state with an all-weather roof...
and turn it into the world's
largest shopping mall.
When asked for comment,
a White House spokesperson would only say...
"Well, at least we didn't sell it
to the fucking Japanese."
- Your brother.
- You're-- You're looking for my brother?
I don't know where he is.
He wanted to stay with me, but l--
Eight hours,
your brother, $15,000.
$15,000, my brother,
eight hours?
- Well, but if--
- Your brother...
- $ 15,000, eight hours.
- Okay, but if I can't find my brother...
um, can I give you
the $15,000?
Do you still need
my brother, or--
Eight hours,
your brother, $15,000.
- All three of those things.
- Correct.
- All three. Um--
- Correct. Correct.
The keys?
You're gonna take the car?
- The tape.
- You want the tape?
- The tape.
- The tape.
- Eight hours.
- Okay. You've got a little tartar buildup there.
You may wanna--
You wanna see aggression?
You wanna see vitality?
You wanna see me,
son of a bitch.
Look at this. Fuckin' total disregard.
Fuckin' total disregard.
Federal government.
Stinkin' fucks!
Hey, what the hell
you doin'?
Hey! Hey! Hey! W-Wait! Wait!
Hey, hey! Come on!
Come on! What are you doin'?
What are you doin'?
The son of a bitch is after me. Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey!
Get him off of me!
Okay, Mr. Tribby.
I'm gonna recommend that you come in
every four months instead of every six...
because you tend to build up calculus
at a slightly accelerated rate.
- Okay.
- Okay?
You going to
the big event on Friday?
I wouldn't put money in his pocket.
- Oh?
- I don't need to.
Got myself a defector.
Classic disgruntled employee.
- I see.
- He's gonna provide
all the information we need.
-Any messages for me?
-You do have one urgent message.
- From?
- Your brother.
Oh, he--
he seems really happy, you know.
He actually enjoys
going to work in the morning.
And what is it, uh,
exactly that he's doing?
I don't know.
He's getting paid as some sort of...
consultant or something.
I see.
Oh, um, did you get a call
from an Attractive Woman #2?
l-- I told her
to come see you.
- Yes. She did come see me.
- Hmm.
So, do you think
you can help her?
Yes, I do think
I can help her.
Is it about the money?
Elmo Oxygen is
not about... money.
What is it then?
Elmo is not feeling...
fulfilled.
There's a spiritual...
element...
missing.
- "A spiritual element--"
- "Missing."
Elmo needs his
other side to speak.
His tender side.
His...
feminine side.
- Uh-- When you say this other side...
- This tender, feminine side.
must speak, do you mean
literally speak?
Say dialogue?
Language does not always
require speech.
We're a little confused.
Actually more than a little.
All right. If metaphors are too complicated
for you, let me explain it.
I want you to get me that little P.A.--
the one that wears black and the clogs.
I would like to
fuck her, please.
And I want you two guys
to write us a scene.
Now, what is so confusing about that?
I don't understand.
- Of course.
- This is fine, Elmo. We want you to be happy.
- I don't mean to be difficult.
- Oh, you don't know difficult.
- Is there anything else we can do?
- How about a bowl of fruit?
- Yeah.
- Fruit would be good. Yeah.
- Good, good. Okay. Um, anything else?
-Just name it.
Elmo is tired now.
I'm... glad you feel that way.
That's the way I feel too.
Have you thought about
how you f-- No.
Can I tell you how I feel?
- Is there something that--
- Yeah.
- There's a registered letter
here you have to sign for.
- A what?
- A registered letter.
Okay. Thanks.
- From the office ofTunnel--
- Fennel--
- And Funnel.
- We represent the interests
of Attractive Woman #2.
- Oh, no.
- Who received from you...
on 10 February 1995,
a letter--
The full content of which
is reproduced below for your benefit.
- Oh, my God.
- Which is so explicit in nature--
- And intent--
- That we will pursue a case of
sexual harassment against you.
- Oh, shit.
- We draw your attention...
to underlined sections
one through four.
- This is bad.
- "That sexy French model that
I desperately want to fuck."
"Have you lie next to me,
or... on top of me."
- "Or sit on me."
- "Or stand over me and shake."
Oh, my God.
- David Stanley on two.
- Ah.
- David.
- Dr. Korchek, how are you?
Uh, wonderful.
Where's Greg?
Greg? Greg
has disappeared.
Uh, I'm getting that feeling, but I'm--
What I want to know is--
I mean he's disappeared
on purpose...
with all of your money--
with all of our money.
He's cleaned us out,
and, uh, we don't know where he is.
Um--
And?
Well, obviously we're--
We've contacted the authorities...
and, uh, we're doing
everything we can.
Okay. All right.
Um, all right. l--
Then I'll speak to you soon.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Has it--
Has it been eight hours?
So, we see, time and again...
that a man cannot escape
his own nature.
But instead he must reconcile himself
to that nature.
See, we are
what we pretend to be...
because we pretend to be
what we really are.
The act is not an act.
The plan was I was gonna go back to work
after Emily was born...
but it didn't really
work out that way.
Well, I was going through
my second divorce...
when I went to apply for a job
at Schwitters world headquarters.
And I got the job.
And I'd been there
about a week...
when someone told me
Mr. Schwitters wanted to see me.
So he took me
out to dinner.
At the end of dinner,
he proposed.
Fortunately, Lester was
well-insured.
So I plan on selling
the house...
and taking all the money
and traveling.
I've always wanted
to travel...
but, um, not with Lester.
As I understand it, I'm supposed to
look like somebody's wife. Is that right?
- No.
- Yes.
I'd like something
more important to do.
You done?
- Mmm.
- Hello?
Oh, my God. When?
Did somebody call Shelly?
Wow. Um,
so now what?
Who's gonna take over?
Oh, boy.
Okay. Does this, uh--
Does this mean that you're gonna be late?
Okay. Bye.
What did you drop?
Derrick was kidnapped
and held hostage.
And Gassim, who may work
for either the Mossad or the P.L.O....
married Sue Ellen so he could
get information on Sue Ellen's brother...
who is the prince
of Saudi Arabia.
Wow. Amazing what you can
miss when you skip a day.
I know. Oh.
Hang on just a minute, Deb.
There's somebody at the door.
Okay. Thank you.
I don't know. It's some package.
What is it?
- Oh. Deb, let me call you back, okay?
- Sure.
It's these huge women having sex...
with these little,
tiny men.
I was planning on it.
Call me if we're still on.
Hello.
Oh, spaghetti and soft rolls.
Your favorite.
I told him I'm gonna see
a movie with Judy.
So I'll be there
about quarter to 8:00.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
I'll be back by 10:00.
And Emily's in the TV room.
Say you love me.
Say you need me.
Say...
I'm the most important
person in your life.
I love it when you say those things.
Hi.
Oh, the movie wasn't that great,
butJudy was fun...
and it was nice to get out of the house.
Okay.
Lester Richards was a man
beloved by family...
friends and colleagues.
A man who leaves behind
a legacy oflove, good work...
and a sincere and genuine interest
in other people's lives.
But why not find inspiration
from this sorrowful event?
Inspiration to say the kind words
and do the good deed now...
immediately upon thinking them
or feeling them.
Time is in glorious abundance
to those who procrastinate.
Hello.
Fine.
About four points.
That's right.
You may be right
about that one.
Okay.
If you'll keep her just tonight,
I'll come by and pick her up tomorrow.
Call my mother.
She'll call me.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh.
Right.
Oh. Absolutely.
Um, yeah.
Of course.
Oh, you worm!
You know,
you accepted that job...
just before I accepted your invitation
to move in with you.
I mean, too bad
about the timing.
If I had waited
just a little longer...
you could have been gone.
You worm!
Uh--
Uh...
a little.
No. I, uh--
I don't know. l--
It's not a-- a physical kind of tired.
It's different.
Maybe.
You're very accommodating.
Hmm.
Okay.
I want to go.
To your room.
I could be happy
just doing this.
It's funny to think about
all the people I've known...
and all the decisions
I've made...
coming together
at this point.
I'm glad we know each other.
Hmm.
Over the past decade,
the enormous expansion of Eventualism...
across the continent proves the absolute
and essential role of Eventualism...
in all realms of life, be it metaphysics,
psychology, art, what have you.
The public perception of reality before
Eventualism was inadequate.
Eventualism provides one...
with nothing less than
a transcendent idea of reality.
Soon its influence will extend beyond
the tangible empirical world...
and into the collective unconscious,
where it will become even more powerful.
Eventualism is the long
overdue recognition...
of people everywhere
of their own significance.
Is it finished?
Yeah, it's finished.
Are you pleased?
I am actually.
A New Mexico woman was named
final arbiter of taste and justice today...
ending God's lengthy search
for someone to straighten this country out.
Eileen Harriet Paulglace
will have final say on every known subject...
including who should be put to death,
what clothes everyone should wear...
what movies suck and whether bald men
who grow ponytails should still get laid.
They tried his house?
- There was nobody there.
- Did they call, or did somebody
actually go over there?
Both.
Maybe somebody gave him
another offer.
Did you write this?
Yes.
It's very good.
He'll be pleased.
Not only are you writing
his words...
you are speaking
his language.
You know, when I first got here,
we had a saying.
I'll just--
Mr. Schwitters, it's such an exciting thing
to have you here today.
- Terrific.
- My life was a complete mess...
- until I read your books and
found out about your philosophy.
- Yeah. I'm sure it was.
- I'd been divorced three times. I was about--
- Let's get Munson.
- Okay. Hey, Munson. Munson!
- The day after...
I read your book
was just so exciting.
- I found out how to control my mind--
- Great speech.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah. It was a great speech.
- Go ahead. I'm listening.
- Well,just to know that you're here--
I mean, and your philosophy
changed my entire life.
- Fabulous.
- And everyone that l--
Yeah. I mean, I'm not
mechanically incl--
Hi. Excuse me. Mrs. Schwitters,
I wanted to introduce myself.
- My name is Fletcher Munson.
- Hi.
- Um--
- Hi.
I thought maybe your husband
had mentioned me.
I've been working for him
the last few days... closely.
No.
Oh. Well--
You know what? He's been really busy
writing this speech that he's doing today.
- So maybe that's why.
- That's probably it then.
- Yeah.
- Anyway. Well,just wanted to say hi.
- Well, nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you. Bye.
Bye.
What time is it?
About five after.
I didn't ask you what time it is about.
I asked you what time it is.
It's three after 8:00.
- And what time does the speech start?
- 8:00.
"8:00"?
Ladies and gentlemen...
once in a very great while...
an individual emerges
from a--
from a sea of troubles
and-- and brings from this--
this sea... something to us.
Something in us.
Something...
from that... sea.
- Did you write this?
- I wish.
He reveals.
And I think you know
who it is.
He's here with us tonight.
Author, philosopher...
human being:
T. Azimuth Schwitters!
Thank you.
Nose army!
Oh, God.
Very bad.
Do something, will you?
People, get an ambulance.
- Someone--
- Nose army!
Nose army!
Well, how is that book?
It's extremely good.
Really? Yeah,
I haven't read it, uh...
but the subject
interests me.
- Where are you flying?
- Costa Rica.
- That's where I'm going.
- Really? San Jos??
Did you have
any strong personal feelings about him...
one way or another?
Where did you get the gun?
- What's your name?
- Dolores.
- Have you got my messages?
- Yes. People who have called to send regards.
- Oh. Fabulous.
- The president.
- Uh, send him a card.
- Senator Dole.
Hmm, send him a card.
Stop pacing!
- Governor Wilson.
- Uh, send him some meat.
- SenatorJohnson.
- Ca-Card.
Stop sweating on that.
It's an antique.
- Governor Edwards.
- Next.
- Mr. Perelman.
- Uh, card.
- Where's the tape?
- Wh-What tape?
The tape. The tape of the assassination.
The one that, uh...
- my, uh-- what's her name--
my wife shot yesterday.
- Oh, it's right there.
Well, put it in.
I want to watch it.
- Oliver Stone.
- Who?
- Oliver Stone.
- I don't know who that is. Send meat.
- Senator Feinstein.
- Send him a card.
- Mayor Dooley.
- Card. Okay. Let's watch this.
- What the fuck is this?
- I don't know. It looks like your house.
Thanks for the news flash. What the hell's
this guy doing in my house?
l-- I don't know. It looks like he's
getting ready to screw your wife.
Hmm. I wonder
what that's like.
Did you plan to shoot
anyone else?
Did you plan to
shoot yourself?
Elmo no-o-o-ose army.
Well, you're two
creative and intense houseplants.
Houseplants.
I can see that. I can see that.
I believe so strongly
in mayonnaise.
I'm talking about
perception...
and communication
skills-s-s-s-s-s.
Houseplant.
I can make sense...
out of yesterday.
Can you understand
the power of that?
You will learn
something from me.
- And which one's a plane?
- I'll get it.
Do you see which one
is different?
Can you circle the one
that's different?
- Hello.
- This one is.
- Okay.
- Um, no. There's no Bob here.
- Well, do you wanna--
do you wanna-- to color?
- What number are you dialing?
Well, that's this number,
but there's no Bob here.
All right. Fine.
Okay.
- Who was that?
- Somebody for Bob.
- Hmm.
- What is it?
It's a spider.
Different spider.
In three years, I am hired by an
ad agency for a lot of money to write copy...
for their biggest client...
a cellular phone company.
In five years, my wife leaves me
for someone smarter, handsomer...
and more emotionally
demonstrative.
In eight years, after getting drunk at a friend's
wedding reception in Anchorage, Alaska...
I fall asleep in a snowdrift
while walking back to my hotel.
I'm discovered the following
spring and successfully thawed.
Until then, I wait.
Action.
Ladies and gentlemen,
young and old...
I know this may seem an unusual procedure,
but I thought you might have some questions.
And since I'm already here,
I can answer some of them.
Yes.
Yes.
Not specifically.
I actually find all of them rather weird.
Yes.
Foot-long veggie on wheat.
Thank you.
Cut.
Ladies and gentlemen,
young and old...
this may seem
an unusual procedure...
speaking to you
before the picture begins...
but we have
an unusual subject.
Turn.
When I say that this is the most important
motion picture you will ever attend...
my motivation
is not financial gain...
but a firm belief that the delicate fabric
that holds all of us together...
will be ripped apart unless every man,
woman and child in this country...
sees this film
and pays full ticket price...
not some bargain matinee,
cut-rate deal.
Turn.
In the event that you find
certain sequences or ideas confusing...
please bear in mind that this
is your fault, not ours.
You will need to see the picture again
and again until you understand everything.
Turn.
In closing,
I want to assure you...
that no expense
was incurred...
bringing this motion picture
to your theater.
And now,
filmed in its entirety...
and proven to heal
minor cuts and abrasions...
we proudly present Schizopolis.!
His best-seller, Here I Am Now...
helped you find yourself.
His groundbreaking sequel,
How To Control Your Own Mind...
taught you how to think.
Now T.Azimuth Schwitters, author of the
earth-shattering manifesto Eventualism...
and the world's
most influential thinker...
is appearing in person February 11...
at the Civic Sports Memorial
Performing Arts Theatre Dome.
Tickets on sale
wherever tickets are sold.
All my anxieties subsided.
My life before was full
of rituals and habits.
There was a time when, for instance,
I was brushing my teeth...
every 15 minutes
because I couldn't remember...
- Really?
- if I had just brushed them.
And, in fact, I almost lost
all my teeth.
- But you don't do that now?
- No, no. Not anymore.
I see.
Um, that's great.
- So, you felt relief? Uh, you feel free?
- Yes,yes.
Any other words you'd use
to describe how you feel now?
Uh, I feel in control.
I feel... much happier
than I've ever been.
There's just one more thing
I need to ask you...
- and then I'll, uh, be out of your hair.
- Sure.
Uh, are you currently taking
any sort of medication?
Oh, no. No.
- No? Really? Okay.
- No. Really.
- Yeah?
- Your brother on two.
Oh, fuck! Okay.
- Stop it.
- Have you thought about it?
I don't have to think about it.
How long before they figure out
you don't have a brother?
First, I am born. Then the trouble begins.
At age five,
I fantasize that I'm an orphan...
by trying to lose my parents
at a Fourth ofJuly celebration.
They find me.
At age nine,
I have an out-of-body experience...
while playing right field.
Three runs score.
At age 15, I'm seized
by an acute sensation...
that something terrible
will happen to me.
#Inside out in his ear #
# Upside down in his ear #
# Over and over your head #
# Over and over your head #
# Open your mind to it
Close your behind to it #
# Changing your mind to it #
#Kiss it #
#Are you gonna get with it #
#Are you gonna get with it #
- #Are you gon--##
- I don't usually do these sorts of things--
- um, interviews.
- All right.
- Is this being filmed or taped?
- It's filmed.
Sir? Sir, are you okay?
Well, we have
a myocardial infarction...
of the interior wall
of the left ventricle...
Sir? Sir?
Can you hear me?
secondary to
a thrombosis occlusion...
of the interior descending branch
of the left coronary artery.
Um, we should
press on his chest.
Probably both were caused
by a fat-laden diet and sedentary lifestyle...
- Maybe you should just go call an ambulance.
- Yeah, okay.
which, when combined with
a stressful work environment...
leads to
a myocardial infarction...
of the interior wall
of the left ventricle.
- Right, right.
- Yeah.
And I'm feeling really awful
to begin with...
even before that
horrible thing happened.
And so when things
got really terrible, l--
wondering how much more
depressing this can be...
and I saw this sad show
about an unhappy couple.
Look, uh--
I'm sorry.
I'm right--
I've got to do this thing.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, no, it's just--
No, I know I'm just
this sad, gloomy...
- wretched depressed guy.
- No.
- And it's-- No, I know.
- No, it's--
No, if we can just
do this another time.
- Okay. My stomach's
kind of hurting me anyway.
- Okay.
Dark circles under the eyes.
Ambulatory discontent.
Tendency to watch
the Spice Channel.
Combined with a fat-laden diet
and sedentary lifestyle...
could result in fatigue,
psychoneurotic disorder...
hyperparasympathetic echo effect,
dark circles under the eyes.
- Oh, hey. How's it goin'?
- Oh, not good.
- Okay. I'll see ya.
Fletch.
- Hey.
- Did you hear about Lester?
- Wh-What?
- Heart attack. This morning.
- You're kidding.
- Yeah,just dropped dead.
- My God. Well, did somebody call Shelly?
- Yeah.
They called her
from the hospital.
I mean,
you could see it comin'.
- What do you mean?
- Well, the guy ate like hell...
had chronic insomnia.
- We can pray, but you don't really have--
- His blood pressure...
was way high...
and I think he had some
symptoms of diabetes too.
- Wh-What are those?
- Sneakin'candy bars.
Swollen ankles.
Constantly running
to the bathroom...
to, uh, urinate.
Hmm.
- Oh, and you know how Lester
didn't write anything down.
- Right.
Well, now they're looking for
a speech...
and it's in his head,
and he's dead.
-Hmm.
-Oh, but what I really came here to tell you is...
I placed another order.
- So... you'll be getting another shipment.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
- So, if you could keep--
- I'll keep an eye out. Yeah. All right.
- Thank you so much.
- Take it easy. Don't work too hard.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Your uncle on four.
My uncle. All right.
Goddamn it.
- What? Hello.
- Fifty grand.
And that's our opening offer.
You could probably talk us up.
What? Why don't you guys
leave me alone?
We could do that. Of course,
then we'd just have to call somebody else.
Often, a person of this, uh--
a person of this type imagines himself...
the subject of a--
of a detailed biography.
He's incapable of experiencing
any emotion...
or event,
no matter how trivial...
- You didn't mark it.
- Yeah?
no matter how insignificant--
A person is often incapable
of experiencing any event or emotion...
no matter how insignificant...
without imagining it set in type
and scrutinized by the public.
Arsenal. Nose army.
Um, nose army.
Uh, beef diaper?
Nomenclature.
- I like him.
- Very much.
Throbbing
dust generation.
- Drum tissue outburst.
-Jigsaw.
Uh, fragment chief butter.
King surgery mind?
Moneybucket.
Precision
galley sponge.
Smell sign.
Let's take a moment and talk
about Azimuth Schwitters.
What is your opinion of
Schwitters and the organization?
Oh, that Azimuth Schwitters...
he's the worst kind
of charlatan...
and raconteur you can imagine.
He's built
a multimillion-dollar empire...
out of dupin'
the American public...
with this scheme--
movement--and it's nothing more
than a series of rambling...
solipsistic musings
about relieving oneself...
of all sense
of personal responsibility...
and responsibility
to the community too.
And worse than that,
we have information from inside sources...
that he's beginning to get
a little off in the head...
and his business manager's
having to run everything for him.
I've devoted myself to exposing this leader
for the fraud that he is, and--
- Are you all right?
- My-- My tooth.
- Can we do this again?
- Yeah, let's do it-- let's do it again.
Hey, is that a way to talk to a lady?
Ow!
Oh,yes!
Oh!
How long is this gonna take?
You've been through all six floors.
- He has 11 cars.
- Eleven?
He doesn't have 11 cars.
Ask him. We've been to his house.
- What were you doing at his house?
- Washing cars.
May I finish?
- So I was speaking with
this guy from Statistics...
- I don't drink coffee.
- No, these are for me.
- who says, uh, we have a mole...
in here somewhere,
or something.
- What do you mean, "a mole"?
- Who's got a mole?
No, a mole
is a spy.
Apparently there's a guy in Creative
who's leaking information--
- Who?
- A guy.
Leaking information
to Thaddeus Tribby.
Now... this guy
tells me...
the Right-Hand Man
has got himself a mole.
- A spy and a mole?
- No, I didn't say that.
I said there's a guy
leaking inf--
You said there's a guy
leaking information to Tribby.
- Correct.
- That's the spy.
Then you said the Right-Hand Man
got himself a mole...
I would assume
to check on the spy.
- That's two people.
- Okay, there's a spy, and there's a mole.
That's twice as many
as a minute ago.
Everybody I know has been here
at least three years.
- How long have you been here?
- Long enough.
I say the guy that told you is the mole.
No, that's impossible.
He's been here seven years.
I've worked with this guy
since the mail room.
- You're the mole.
- No, no, no. He's the spy.
- No, he's the spy.
- If I were the spy...
would I be standing here
saying there's a spy?
- Maybe.
- And a mole?
- It's good cover.
- Right. Forget it.
I am not the source on this,
and I'm serious.
Okay, it's clear!
You can get back to work!
Hoodwink scatter bark?
Hasty land mine?
Ambassador
jumpsuit land mine.
Munson!
I don't need to tell you
how critical this is.
Hometown. Pay-per-view.
The eyes of the media. Here's what I need.
It should be lengthy enough
to... seem substantial...
yet concise enough
to feel breezy.
It should be serious...
but with a slight wink.
It should lay out
a new course of action...
but one that can
change direction at any moment.
If you must mention facts and figures,
don't do so directly.
The general thrust...
should remain embedded
in one's mind forever...
but specific words should be forgotten
the moment they are heard.
It should contain nothing
that can't be confirmed or denied.
It should be on my desk
Friday morning.
- Is there something you want me--
- Lester Richards...
has fucked me...
has fucked Mr. Schwitters...
and has fucked
the entire corporation.
You're writing the speech!
- I can't.
- Are you telling me that you can't...
take a substantial raise
or that huge new office?
Is that what
you're telling me?
- Friday?
- 10:00 a.m.
I'll just--
About your promotion,
l-I just wanted to let you know...
that even though
you've been promoted...
ahead of a lot of other people
that have been here a lot longer than you...
that, uh,
nobody seems to resent you.
That I've talked to...
recently.
So, congratulations.
Thanks. Thanks.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How are you?
- Fine.
Is your wife coming over tonight?
'Cause her big ass always
leaves me satisfied.
Nice of you to mention her. She enjoys sex
with you much more than she does with me.
I'm sure she says that to all the men
in the neighborhood.
You may be right
about that one.
- I'll see ya later.
- Okay.
Generic greeting.
- Generic greeting returned.
- Mmm.
Mm-wah. Mm-wah.
- Imminent sustenance.
- Overly dramatic statement...
regarding upcoming meal.
Ooh. False reaction indicating
hunger and excitement.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Frog level. Elmo.
- Elmo.
- Nose army.
- Nose army.
Green Bay shuffleboard?
Sanity wedlock.
Sodium bypass.
Wigwam.
Uh, gypsy land mine?
Calculator
revised land mine?
Zygote! Cheap rebound?
Zygote.
Teahouse grain structure.
Uh, mellow rhubarb turbine?
Culture turbine.
-Jigsaw. Smell sign.
-Jigsaw.
Smell sign.
Yow!
That's right.
- Put this bear wearing a hat.
- Obligation.
- The bear wears the hat.
- Greeting.
Response indicating
caller mistake.
- Mistake.
- I don't know.
Semi-innocent query.
Convincingly confused.
Yeah. See, now the bear--
the bear goes into the box.
And so, at this point...
we see him exhibiting
diagonal characteristics...
as opposed to
horizontal characteristics.
What does that mean?
Haven't you read my manual?
Eventualism is not a cause...
a course, a fashion,
or a religion.
Eventualism is a state of mind.
Time and again we see the reliance
on a proven methodology--
a methodology separate
from human experience...
built upon figures,
not feelings...
which encourages our dependence
on the empirical world...
a world with no room
for ground-rule doubles.
Damn it!
Imminent departure.
Return as discussed.
- Acknowledged.
- Uh, location of offspring.
Acknowledged.
- Secretary blindfold?
- Mmm.
Whale blanket.
- Scratch pad horoscope.
- Hmm.
Chew bone.
Rubber belly flesh frame.
Flesh frame jigsaw. Sneeze?
Sneeze.
Generic greeting.
Generic greeting. Obligatory question
about the evening's activities.
Oh, qualified,
vaguely positive reply.
Uninspired description of movie and
subsequent conversation with girlfriend.
Ooh, really well-rehearsed speech
about workload and stress.
Genuine sorrow.
Um, truthful-sounding promises
of future satisfaction?
Enticement to agree?
- Accepted.
- Gratitude.
I'm just going to make
this brief statement...
on behalf
of A.R.H.A.D.L.
The spreading of these erroneous and offensive
descriptions has gone on for decades...
and we find ourselves
once again...
having to make
a public statement.
Racehorses do not urinate
more frequently...
or at greater length
than non-racing horses...
or, for that matter,
any mammal of comparable size.
This organized,
publicly-sanctioned slander must stop.
Lester Richards is dead...
and aren't you glad
it wasn't you?
Don't you wish
you felt something?
How many men here are attracted
to Shelly, his--his lovely wife?
She's a babe.
And how many women here wish that
their husbands would drop dead...
and leave them
a big, fat insurance policy?
Yes, I thought so.
Hell, it'll be years before you figure out
what Lester's death really means.
So let's forget the blah-blah-blah
and go have a drink. Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Eccentric money.
- Mmm, nose army.
Pacifist cottage.
- Belgian disregard?
- Aw, genius kidney.
Dine, dining, death rattle,
monkey callousness.
Adirondack.
Smell sign.
Smell sign.
- Now?
- No. Not now.
- But soon.
- Yeah, soon.
Everybody thinks I'm the mole.
E-Everybody.
And those people that don't think
I'm the mole, they think I'm the spy.
I gotta find out who it really is
so people will stop thinking that.
Listen. I think
this whole spy/mole thing...
is just a creation
of the Right-Hand Man...
to keep everybody
paranoid and scared.
I'm scared, but that's terrible, because that's
exactly how the mole would act...
if he was trying
to not be the mole, you know?
l-I do-- I don't know
what to tell you.
Well, I wish you would tell me something,
because you are the only person I trust.
Although, I don't believe
a word you say.
Yesterday, you said,
"Appearances."
I thought you said,
"A fear is this."
Weird.
"A fear is this."
Hey, hey.
No, don't do that.
I mean, they won't let you,
but you shouldn't do that.
I forget.
These new rules.
- How's, um-- How's Diane?
- Terrible.
She's getting thinner every day.
I mean, I really think
the woman has betrayed me...
because when I married her nine months ago,
she was fat as a house.
- She was big. Big. Yeah.
- Huge. She was big.
Nice. And now,
nine months later...
she's skinny
and getting skinnier.
I should have known.
They say...
- Her mom's thin. Yeah, right.
- "Look at the mother. "
- I looked at the father.
- Yeah, 'cause her dad's big.
Right. I looked at him,
and I thought--
But no, the mother and her,
they just sit all day...
- eating nothing on purpose--
- Munson?
- Munson!
- I'm-- I'm--
I'm formatting right now.
It's formatting.
Shit. Can you see this isn't on?
Hi.
- Hi.
- I want to drop these off.
- Okay.
- Uh, when do you think they'll be ready?
- Uh, 3:00.
- Oh, great.
Hey, is that a way to talk to a lady? Ow!
Nose army.
Nose army!
Vienna dog. Cologne.
Dog cologne land mine.
Jigsaw.
# Wanna be at home
in the morning #
# Wanna be alone
when I'm snoring #
#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack
and paddywhack and don't look back #
#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #
#Skiddle la-la-dee
Doo doo la-la-lee-a #
#Skiddle la-la-dee
Doo doo la-la-lee-a #
#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack
and paddywhack and don't look back #
#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #
#Lookin'in, lookin'out
It's so hard to see #
#Leaking in, leaking out
Gonna be your baby when
you say you drive me crazy #
#And I wanna be at home
in the morning #
# Wanna be alone
when I'm snoring #
#Rack-a-sack a frick-a-frack
and paddywhack and don't look back #
#And diddy-daddy wallaloo #
#Diddy-daddy wallaloo ##
Ooh!
Excuse me, Mr. Oxygen.
- Hi.
- Hi. Oh, you two guys are from the--
- How are you?
- Can we have a word with you?
- Sure, sure.
- We can't help but notice that
you're a fascinating character.
- Very compelling.
- More fascinating than the things
you're being given to do.
- Spraying houses.
- Taking pictures of yourself.
- Driving around.
- We think you're in need of another venue.
- In which you are the main attraction.
- And paid accordingly.
Oh, oh, you see,
well, we haven't done...
the bulk of my stuff yet,
and we're gonna do that next week.
- Uh-huh. Why don't you know
what you'll be doing exactly?
- Right.
- If you're such an integral part.
- What guarantee do you have?
Oh, these guys are my friends.
I've worked with them before.
This is not our first project,
and they told me...
so l-- I trust
what they tell me.
- Trust.
- Friends. Hmm.
What are you-- What are you offering?
- A vehicle.
- A showcase.
A shortcut.
Okay.
Okay, okay, I'm in.
Fuck you guys!
No more of this mayonnaise, this shit!
I'm outta here!
Fuck you.
Anything that can be imagined
is legitimate.
Any action that is contemplated
can be taken.
Eventualism isn't designed
to answer all questions.
It's designed
to question all answers.
It's not about healing pain.
It's about the pain of healing.
It's not about the struggle of--
Your car dealer on line one.
My car--
Listen. This is the last time I'm taking
one of these calls. Do you understand me?
- It's the right thing to do.
- No, it's not the right thing to do.
It's a betrayal.
You're right.
And 50 is an insult.
You wouldn't be comfortable
with anything less than a hundred.
They're tracing the calls here
because of the bomb threats...
although you probably know that because
you're probably making the bomb threats.
- We don't need bombs. We've got you.
- You don't have me.
Munson?
Munson!
Uh, uh, proofing.
Proofing. Right now.
- It's Rudolph Alan.
- What? What? What?
- He hit me.
- Unprovoked? He hit you.
For no reason, he hit you.
I said that I knew he'd been telling people
I was the mole, and he hit me!
He's a hothead.
He hits everybody.
Which is why he's a stupid choice
for a spy or a mole. He can't control himself.
Which is the perfect cover.
That way he's so obvious
about being a spy...
that way no one knows
he's the actual spy.
All right. All right.
What if the person
who is the mole...
is so good
at being the mole...
that the Right-Hand Man
picks him to be the spy?
Wow. That's perfect. That way he could
manipulate his own investigation.
Right.Just like
in No Way Out.
I gotta think about that.
I just have a sore spot.
- Oh, you got a problem with your teeth?
- Mm-hmm.
- I have just the guy.
- Really?
Yeah. He does bleaching,
he does bonding, he does scraping.
He does filing.
I go to him twice a week.
- It's not bad.
- And he's cheap. And he speaks Italian.
- You speak Italian, don't you?
- No.
Oh, well, anyway,
he's fabulous.
- This is like,just a loose cap.
- I mean, look at my teeth.
- Look. Look.
- They're gorgeous.
- They're beautiful.
- Mm-hmm. I know.
Yeah, he does the lady on Channel 9.
You know, the one with the big teeth?
- Wow. What's his name?
- Yeah.
Dr. Korchek.
- Dr. Korchek.
- Yeah. Oh.
And if you ever have
a problem with bugs...
I have just the guy.
Bugs.
The fallacy that work
under pressure...
results in a direct pipeline
to creative genius...
uh, that divine inspiration...
can be conjured by...
well, anything but the most, uh...
mind-bending concentration...
now, this is
the world of the poseur--
the, uh, pretender,
the fraud.
Th-- This is the worst
piece of shit I've ever read.
No, really. The worst!
What have you been doin',
Munson? Jackin' off all day?
Why did you give me this?
- You said you wanted to see a draft.
- You're absolutely right.
I said I wanted
to see a draft.
I didn't want to see a misdirected,
panic-induced...
cretinous little piece of shit.
Maybe if I were able to talk
to Mr. Schwitters, I could--
You don't need to talk
to Mr. Schwitters.
He told me personally through his assistant
that I am to handle this.
Is there any way
we could adjust the deadline?
- What's the deadline?
- Friday.
Okay, now it's Thursday.
What's that moron?
The one that used to work in your section.
The one who wore
the brown shirt all the time.
- Oh, Nameless Numberheadman?
- Yeah. Send him in.
- Here you go.
- Thanks. Uh, did they all come out okay?
Yeah. Yeah, they came out. Okay?
Great.
He said it was 'cause I wasn't getting
any work done, but that is not true.
And I know it's 'cause Nick
and Ellen and all those guys...
told him I was the mole.
Listen to me.
Listen to me. The--
There is no mole. Okay?
- How do you know?
- Because I've been getting calls for weeks...
from some guy offering me money
for information.
If they had somebody inside, they would not
be calling me on the phone offering money.
It doesn't make sense.
But maybe the calls
are coming from the spy...
trying to trick you
into becoming a mole.
I'm-- I'm not gonna miss you.
Oh, call me
when that package shows up.
- Oh, okay.
- Do you have any money?
- #Ba-boo #
- # Oh, my darling #
# On my soul #
So... I walk
right into his office.
I said,
"Right-Hand Man...
"Lester's dead.
He's gonna be dead a long time.
"When are you gonna put me in
my rightful position in his office...
where I belong?"
Did you want some of these?
'Cause-- You sure?
He had no expression
on his face at all.
He said nothing except,
"Let me think about it."
I said, "Think about it?
Why don't you think
about this? I quit!"
I said that.
I said the words, "I quit."
I never felt so light in all my--
You sure you don't want any of these?
Did you eat anything today
at all besides yogurt?
So, lightly, feelin' great,
like a new man...
I walk out, and it comes
crashing down on me...
"Oh, my God.
Ten years down the drain."
I drive home,
sink in my chair, and...
I'm not ashamed to say
l-I cried.
But it's better this way, right?
It's better.
I don't want to end up
like Lester.
You don't want me to end up--
Lester's dead!
No one wants to be like Lester.
Not even Lester.
I got it.
It's probably them.
Eat, please.
Hello.
Uh,yeah,
this is he.
Um, yes.
Uh, yeah.
l-I guess so. Um--
Yeah, I'll, uh, be home
the rest of the evening.
If you want. Sure.
You're welcome to come by anytime.
Maybe till, uh--
Well, l-I sleep here.
I'll be here
all night.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
Oh, wow!
Munson!
Polishing. Polishing.
- Yes.
- Okay, I'm in.
Sorry.
We got somebody else.
Wha--
Explorations one through six.
One: Enormous expansion.
Two: The absolute
and essential role.
Three:
Public perception of reality.
Four:
Transcendent idea of reality.
Five:
The collective unconscious.
Six: Long overdue recognition
of our own significance.
Explorations one through six.
One: Enormous expansion.
Two: The absolute
and essential role.
Mr. Nameless Numberheadman?
- Yes, that's me.
- We spoke on the phone.
I have some documents
for you to sign.
Please. Come in.
Thank you.
I brought over some documents
for you to sign.
And the first one here
that you're gonna sign...
is telling us that you're giving us
this information exclusively.
And then the one underneath
is so that you can get your check.
If you'd sign here,
please.
Has ever--
anyone ever told you...
that you're
incredibly attractive?
Excuse me?
Don't make me
say it again.
- Hello.
- Hi, it's me.
I told him I'm gonna go to
a movie with Judy.
So I'll be there at about
a quarter to 8:00.
Uh, okay.
Oh, my God.
I'm having an affair
with my wife.
So, what is Fletcher
working on now?
Uh, some speech
for Azimuth Schwitters.
Oh, is this the one
on the 11 th?
Mm-hmm.
And you said
he's having a hard time?
Uh, I don't know.
It's-- I guess so.
He comes in every night
with this, uh...
"Honey, I'm home" face.
And he pretends
to like my cooking...
which I know
I'm a shitty cook.
So, after supper,
I try to get him to talk, and...
he's so preoccupied
that he doesn't hear what I say.
So he doesn't want to talk.
He doesn't wanna fuck.
So I come here.
Hmm.
I better go. Oh.
We never watched this.
Well, bring it next time,
and we'll look at it.
Wh-Why don't you leave?
I'd like to get dressed first.
No. I mean,
why don't you leave him?
Oh. Oh. Uh, okay.
Then what?
Well, then we could--
- I mean, I could--
- Listen to you.
- Like you know what you want?
- Well, I know I want you.
I have all this money put away
that's just sitting there.
Will you think about it?
Okay. I'll think about it.
So, are you going to
Madam Rosa's tomorrow?
I said I would.
You say a lot of things.
Bye.
We interrupt this program
to bring you a news bulletin.
Scientists at NASA have confirmed that
the comet Havarti is on course toward Earth.
The odds of the comet colliding directly with
our planet are being calculated at this moment.
In a related story,
the price of capturing, restraining...
and institutionalizing
a naked man in a T-shirt...
remains stable at
around $367.50.
Is that good?
This is very interesting.
- What do you see?
- I see major changes.
- Major changes.
- Really?
Yes. This is-- This is--
This is quite dramatic.
You're going to be
experiencing major changes.
- They involve a woman.
- Really.
- Yes. I see a woman--
- But it's not my mother.
No, it's not your mother. It's-- It's--
It's gonna be happening soon.
It's-- It's something--
Well, it will require a move.
It will require...
drastic changes
in your life.
Wow. Um, any idea
of a time frame?
- No.
- A week? Tonight?
- Uh, it will be soon.
- Soon?
But this is--
This is a woman you don't know.
- You haven't met her yet.
- Oh. Wow.
This is big. This is going to be a big
transformation in your life.
- Morning, Rene.
- Good morning.
- How are you?
- I'm fine. How are you?
Good. Uh, how's it
looking today?
It's pretty busy today.
- Really. Uh,
- Yes.
why don't you give me about 10 minutes,
and then send the first patient in.
- Okay.
- Great.
All right.
Now, you see this, uh, shadow here, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. That's our culprit.
To fix that will be
a three-stage process.
Do you think you can make
that sort of commitment?
- Oh, yes.
- Great.
You don't have to floss
all your teeth.
Just the ones
you want to keep.
Bob, that's a really
kind offer. It really is.
But I'm just dug in deep here.
I'm afraid Florida would really be a shock...
although everybody I've talked to
just says great things about Tampa.
Remember, be true
to your teeth...
and they won't be false
to you.
Carol, it's Dr. Korchek.
Is Greg in?
No, he's not, Dr. Korchek.
Can I have him get back to you?
Yes. Uh, tell him
to call me at my office.
What time are you
expecting him?
I'm not sure. He hasn't called in today,
uh, to check his messages.
- All righty. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
I may vote Republican,
but I'm a firm believer in gum control.
Do you have time
to squeeze someone in at 5:00?
She was recommended by a patient,
and she's in some pain.
Um, okay.
And Mr. Martinez is here.
I'll be right out.
Mr. Martinez.
- How are you? Yeah.
- Hey, Doc.
- Got terrible tooth.
- Oh, okay.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you schedule some time with Rene.
If anything has changed
since I saw you this morning...
- we'll take care of it, okay?
- Thanks, Doc.
All righty.
Hi, how are you?
Dr. Korchek.
Um, I think we're gonna be able to--
to squeeze you... in.
And, um, uh, if you'll just fill out
one of the insurance questionnaires--
the name and address
and, uh, uh, phone number...
then we'll--
we'll get right to work.
- Thank you.
- Okay. Terrific.
All right.
I, um--
I think I see what
your problem is...
- and I think I can help you.
- Good.
It may involve me
seeing you more than once.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
Then we'll
get started.
Okay.
Here's my card.
There's a number there.
Uh, you can reach me
after hours in the evening...
just in case there's an emergency recurrence,
anything like that.
- This says Jiffy Massage.
- Oh. I was holding that for Rene.
Um, if there's a problem,
contact me.
Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Dear Attractive Woman #2:
Only once in my life
have I responded to another person...
the way I've responded to you.
But I've forgotten when it was,
or even if it was in fact me that responded.
I may not know much, but I know
that the wind sings your name endlessly...
although with a slight lisp
that makes it difficult to understand...
if I'm standing
near an air conditioner.
I know that your hair
sits atop of your head as though...
it could sit nowhere else.
I know that your figure
would make a sculptor cast aside his tools...
injuring his assistant who was looking out
the window instead of paying attention.
I know that your lips are as full
as that sexy French model's...
that I desperately want to fuck.
I know that if I could for an instant
have you lie next to me...
or on top of me, or sit on me,
or stand over me and shake...
then I would be
the happiest man in my pants.
I know all of this,
and yet you do not know me.
Change your life.
Accept my love.
Or at least let me
pay you to accept it.
Sincerely,
Dr.Jeffrey Korchek.
No! Stop it!
How's that? Is that-- Is that good?
Is that all right?
Shut up! Is that all right? Is that good?
For two months.
- Two months she's been on me.
- Right.
I miss you. I want to kiss you.
Come down and--you know.
- Right.
- I get down there...
- last night at midnight,
there's somebody else there.
- Oh.
And the fucking bus
is gone.
- I gotta wait till 5:00
in the morning for the next bus.
- Right.
Anyway. It'll just be
for a few days, man.
I can't.
I just can't do it.
I can't. And I gotta tell you, you know,
this whole drug thing, uh--
I'm a doctor.
I can get you drugs.
You shouldn't be hanging out with these--
these thugs, these criminals.
- You can come to me.
- Heroin?
No. Heroin l-- I can't get. But Darvocet
I can get in enormous quantities.
Darvocet?
What do I look like, a housewife?
Well, consider it
a standing offer.
Just be for a few days.
Come on.
I can't. l-- l--
I'm repainting the-- the house now.
It's just--
It's a terrible time.
It's perfect.
For 10,000 bucks,
I'll paint the house.
That's-- That's an outrageous figure.
You know that.
For painting a house.
But I'll-- I'll get this.
Don't worry about this. This is on me. Okay?
And then another funny thing
happened, followed by two things...
that were pretty amusing.
And the whole thing ended
with something that was just hysterical.
Hello?
- I did it.
- You did what?
I thought about what you said, and I left him.
That's great.
Tsk. Oh, honey.
Oh, that's great.
- Um, before you do that,
- Mm-hmm?
I need to
tell you something.
- What?
- Um...
- today at work,
- Mm-hmm.
l-- I met this person.
- "This person"?
- Yeah.
Is it a male
or female?
- It was a woman person.
- Uh-huh.
And, um,
something happened.
- What happened?
- Well, something happened for me.
I don't think that
anything happened for her necessarily...
but something happened for me--
this feeling.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like this kind of falling for someone feeling.
Falling like you
fell for me feeling?
Well...
with us it was more, I think,
of an incline than a fall.
It wasn't like--
You know what I mean?
- So--
- The result was the same, but it wasn't a fall.
It was a slide.
But this was a fall,
I think.
So?
So, I thought I should
say something about it before--
- "Before."
- You know.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Are you--
Are you leaving?
Don't talk to me,
you worm.
There was a time--
There was a time
when I felt like an old rag...
with a stain that
you couldn't get out.
And you were like--
You were like a piece
of rotting fruit on a windowsill.
And it was great.
You worm!
The federal government announced today that,
in an effort to eradicate the national debt...
it will be selling the state of Rhode Island
to a group of private investors...
for a reported
$18 billion.
The investors plan to enclose
the entire state with an all-weather roof...
and turn it into the world's
largest shopping mall.
When asked for comment,
a White House spokesperson would only say...
"Well, at least we didn't sell it
to the fucking Japanese."
- Your brother.
- You're-- You're looking for my brother?
I don't know where he is.
He wanted to stay with me, but l--
Eight hours,
your brother, $15,000.
$15,000, my brother,
eight hours?
- Well, but if--
- Your brother...
- $ 15,000, eight hours.
- Okay, but if I can't find my brother...
um, can I give you
the $15,000?
Do you still need
my brother, or--
Eight hours,
your brother, $15,000.
- All three of those things.
- Correct.
- All three. Um--
- Correct. Correct.
The keys?
You're gonna take the car?
- The tape.
- You want the tape?
- The tape.
- The tape.
- Eight hours.
- Okay. You've got a little tartar buildup there.
You may wanna--
You wanna see aggression?
You wanna see vitality?
You wanna see me,
son of a bitch.
Look at this. Fuckin' total disregard.
Fuckin' total disregard.
Federal government.
Stinkin' fucks!
Hey, what the hell
you doin'?
Hey! Hey! Hey! W-Wait! Wait!
Hey, hey! Come on!
Come on! What are you doin'?
What are you doin'?
The son of a bitch is after me. Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey!
Get him off of me!
Okay, Mr. Tribby.
I'm gonna recommend that you come in
every four months instead of every six...
because you tend to build up calculus
at a slightly accelerated rate.
- Okay.
- Okay?
You going to
the big event on Friday?
I wouldn't put money in his pocket.
- Oh?
- I don't need to.
Got myself a defector.
Classic disgruntled employee.
- I see.
- He's gonna provide
all the information we need.
-Any messages for me?
-You do have one urgent message.
- From?
- Your brother.
Oh, he--
he seems really happy, you know.
He actually enjoys
going to work in the morning.
And what is it, uh,
exactly that he's doing?
I don't know.
He's getting paid as some sort of...
consultant or something.
I see.
Oh, um, did you get a call
from an Attractive Woman #2?
l-- I told her
to come see you.
- Yes. She did come see me.
- Hmm.
So, do you think
you can help her?
Yes, I do think
I can help her.
Is it about the money?
Elmo Oxygen is
not about... money.
What is it then?
Elmo is not feeling...
fulfilled.
There's a spiritual...
element...
missing.
- "A spiritual element--"
- "Missing."
Elmo needs his
other side to speak.
His tender side.
His...
feminine side.
- Uh-- When you say this other side...
- This tender, feminine side.
must speak, do you mean
literally speak?
Say dialogue?
Language does not always
require speech.
We're a little confused.
Actually more than a little.
All right. If metaphors are too complicated
for you, let me explain it.
I want you to get me that little P.A.--
the one that wears black and the clogs.
I would like to
fuck her, please.
And I want you two guys
to write us a scene.
Now, what is so confusing about that?
I don't understand.
- Of course.
- This is fine, Elmo. We want you to be happy.
- I don't mean to be difficult.
- Oh, you don't know difficult.
- Is there anything else we can do?
- How about a bowl of fruit?
- Yeah.
- Fruit would be good. Yeah.
- Good, good. Okay. Um, anything else?
-Just name it.
Elmo is tired now.
I'm... glad you feel that way.
That's the way I feel too.
Have you thought about
how you f-- No.
Can I tell you how I feel?
- Is there something that--
- Yeah.
- There's a registered letter
here you have to sign for.
- A what?
- A registered letter.
Okay. Thanks.
- From the office ofTunnel--
- Fennel--
- And Funnel.
- We represent the interests
of Attractive Woman #2.
- Oh, no.
- Who received from you...
on 10 February 1995,
a letter--
The full content of which
is reproduced below for your benefit.
- Oh, my God.
- Which is so explicit in nature--
- And intent--
- That we will pursue a case of
sexual harassment against you.
- Oh, shit.
- We draw your attention...
to underlined sections
one through four.
- This is bad.
- "That sexy French model that
I desperately want to fuck."
"Have you lie next to me,
or... on top of me."
- "Or sit on me."
- "Or stand over me and shake."
Oh, my God.
- David Stanley on two.
- Ah.
- David.
- Dr. Korchek, how are you?
Uh, wonderful.
Where's Greg?
Greg? Greg
has disappeared.
Uh, I'm getting that feeling, but I'm--
What I want to know is--
I mean he's disappeared
on purpose...
with all of your money--
with all of our money.
He's cleaned us out,
and, uh, we don't know where he is.
Um--
And?
Well, obviously we're--
We've contacted the authorities...
and, uh, we're doing
everything we can.
Okay. All right.
Um, all right. l--
Then I'll speak to you soon.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Has it--
Has it been eight hours?
So, we see, time and again...
that a man cannot escape
his own nature.
But instead he must reconcile himself
to that nature.
See, we are
what we pretend to be...
because we pretend to be
what we really are.
The act is not an act.
The plan was I was gonna go back to work
after Emily was born...
but it didn't really
work out that way.
Well, I was going through
my second divorce...
when I went to apply for a job
at Schwitters world headquarters.
And I got the job.
And I'd been there
about a week...
when someone told me
Mr. Schwitters wanted to see me.
So he took me
out to dinner.
At the end of dinner,
he proposed.
Fortunately, Lester was
well-insured.
So I plan on selling
the house...
and taking all the money
and traveling.
I've always wanted
to travel...
but, um, not with Lester.
As I understand it, I'm supposed to
look like somebody's wife. Is that right?
- No.
- Yes.
I'd like something
more important to do.
You done?
- Mmm.
- Hello?
Oh, my God. When?
Did somebody call Shelly?
Wow. Um,
so now what?
Who's gonna take over?
Oh, boy.
Okay. Does this, uh--
Does this mean that you're gonna be late?
Okay. Bye.
What did you drop?
Derrick was kidnapped
and held hostage.
And Gassim, who may work
for either the Mossad or the P.L.O....
married Sue Ellen so he could
get information on Sue Ellen's brother...
who is the prince
of Saudi Arabia.
Wow. Amazing what you can
miss when you skip a day.
I know. Oh.
Hang on just a minute, Deb.
There's somebody at the door.
Okay. Thank you.
I don't know. It's some package.
What is it?
- Oh. Deb, let me call you back, okay?
- Sure.
It's these huge women having sex...
with these little,
tiny men.
I was planning on it.
Call me if we're still on.
Hello.
Oh, spaghetti and soft rolls.
Your favorite.
I told him I'm gonna see
a movie with Judy.
So I'll be there
about quarter to 8:00.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
I'll be back by 10:00.
And Emily's in the TV room.
Say you love me.
Say you need me.
Say...
I'm the most important
person in your life.
I love it when you say those things.
Hi.
Oh, the movie wasn't that great,
butJudy was fun...
and it was nice to get out of the house.
Okay.
Lester Richards was a man
beloved by family...
friends and colleagues.
A man who leaves behind
a legacy oflove, good work...
and a sincere and genuine interest
in other people's lives.
But why not find inspiration
from this sorrowful event?
Inspiration to say the kind words
and do the good deed now...
immediately upon thinking them
or feeling them.
Time is in glorious abundance
to those who procrastinate.
Hello.
Fine.
About four points.
That's right.
You may be right
about that one.
Okay.
If you'll keep her just tonight,
I'll come by and pick her up tomorrow.
Call my mother.
She'll call me.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh.
Right.
Oh. Absolutely.
Um, yeah.
Of course.
Oh, you worm!
You know,
you accepted that job...
just before I accepted your invitation
to move in with you.
I mean, too bad
about the timing.
If I had waited
just a little longer...
you could have been gone.
You worm!
Uh--
Uh...
a little.
No. I, uh--
I don't know. l--
It's not a-- a physical kind of tired.
It's different.
Maybe.
You're very accommodating.
Hmm.
Okay.
I want to go.
To your room.
I could be happy
just doing this.
It's funny to think about
all the people I've known...
and all the decisions
I've made...
coming together
at this point.
I'm glad we know each other.
Hmm.
Over the past decade,
the enormous expansion of Eventualism...
across the continent proves the absolute
and essential role of Eventualism...
in all realms of life, be it metaphysics,
psychology, art, what have you.
The public perception of reality before
Eventualism was inadequate.
Eventualism provides one...
with nothing less than
a transcendent idea of reality.
Soon its influence will extend beyond
the tangible empirical world...
and into the collective unconscious,
where it will become even more powerful.
Eventualism is the long
overdue recognition...
of people everywhere
of their own significance.
Is it finished?
Yeah, it's finished.
Are you pleased?
I am actually.
A New Mexico woman was named
final arbiter of taste and justice today...
ending God's lengthy search
for someone to straighten this country out.
Eileen Harriet Paulglace
will have final say on every known subject...
including who should be put to death,
what clothes everyone should wear...
what movies suck and whether bald men
who grow ponytails should still get laid.
They tried his house?
- There was nobody there.
- Did they call, or did somebody
actually go over there?
Both.
Maybe somebody gave him
another offer.
Did you write this?
Yes.
It's very good.
He'll be pleased.
Not only are you writing
his words...
you are speaking
his language.
You know, when I first got here,
we had a saying.
I'll just--
Mr. Schwitters, it's such an exciting thing
to have you here today.
- Terrific.
- My life was a complete mess...
- until I read your books and
found out about your philosophy.
- Yeah. I'm sure it was.
- I'd been divorced three times. I was about--
- Let's get Munson.
- Okay. Hey, Munson. Munson!
- The day after...
I read your book
was just so exciting.
- I found out how to control my mind--
- Great speech.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah. It was a great speech.
- Go ahead. I'm listening.
- Well,just to know that you're here--
I mean, and your philosophy
changed my entire life.
- Fabulous.
- And everyone that l--
Yeah. I mean, I'm not
mechanically incl--
Hi. Excuse me. Mrs. Schwitters,
I wanted to introduce myself.
- My name is Fletcher Munson.
- Hi.
- Um--
- Hi.
I thought maybe your husband
had mentioned me.
I've been working for him
the last few days... closely.
No.
Oh. Well--
You know what? He's been really busy
writing this speech that he's doing today.
- So maybe that's why.
- That's probably it then.
- Yeah.
- Anyway. Well,just wanted to say hi.
- Well, nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you. Bye.
Bye.
What time is it?
About five after.
I didn't ask you what time it is about.
I asked you what time it is.
It's three after 8:00.
- And what time does the speech start?
- 8:00.
"8:00"?
Ladies and gentlemen...
once in a very great while...
an individual emerges
from a--
from a sea of troubles
and-- and brings from this--
this sea... something to us.
Something in us.
Something...
from that... sea.
- Did you write this?
- I wish.
He reveals.
And I think you know
who it is.
He's here with us tonight.
Author, philosopher...
human being:
T. Azimuth Schwitters!
Thank you.
Nose army!
Oh, God.
Very bad.
Do something, will you?
People, get an ambulance.
- Someone--
- Nose army!
Nose army!
Well, how is that book?
It's extremely good.
Really? Yeah,
I haven't read it, uh...
but the subject
interests me.
- Where are you flying?
- Costa Rica.
- That's where I'm going.
- Really? San Jos??
Did you have
any strong personal feelings about him...
one way or another?
Where did you get the gun?
- What's your name?
- Dolores.
- Have you got my messages?
- Yes. People who have called to send regards.
- Oh. Fabulous.
- The president.
- Uh, send him a card.
- Senator Dole.
Hmm, send him a card.
Stop pacing!
- Governor Wilson.
- Uh, send him some meat.
- SenatorJohnson.
- Ca-Card.
Stop sweating on that.
It's an antique.
- Governor Edwards.
- Next.
- Mr. Perelman.
- Uh, card.
- Where's the tape?
- Wh-What tape?
The tape. The tape of the assassination.
The one that, uh...
- my, uh-- what's her name--
my wife shot yesterday.
- Oh, it's right there.
Well, put it in.
I want to watch it.
- Oliver Stone.
- Who?
- Oliver Stone.
- I don't know who that is. Send meat.
- Senator Feinstein.
- Send him a card.
- Mayor Dooley.
- Card. Okay. Let's watch this.
- What the fuck is this?
- I don't know. It looks like your house.
Thanks for the news flash. What the hell's
this guy doing in my house?
l-- I don't know. It looks like he's
getting ready to screw your wife.
Hmm. I wonder
what that's like.
Did you plan to shoot
anyone else?
Did you plan to
shoot yourself?
Elmo no-o-o-ose army.
Well, you're two
creative and intense houseplants.
Houseplants.
I can see that. I can see that.
I believe so strongly
in mayonnaise.
I'm talking about
perception...
and communication
skills-s-s-s-s-s.
Houseplant.
I can make sense...
out of yesterday.
Can you understand
the power of that?
You will learn
something from me.
- And which one's a plane?
- I'll get it.
Do you see which one
is different?
Can you circle the one
that's different?
- Hello.
- This one is.
- Okay.
- Um, no. There's no Bob here.
- Well, do you wanna--
do you wanna-- to color?
- What number are you dialing?
Well, that's this number,
but there's no Bob here.
All right. Fine.
Okay.
- Who was that?
- Somebody for Bob.
- Hmm.
- What is it?
It's a spider.
Different spider.
In three years, I am hired by an
ad agency for a lot of money to write copy...
for their biggest client...
a cellular phone company.
In five years, my wife leaves me
for someone smarter, handsomer...
and more emotionally
demonstrative.
In eight years, after getting drunk at a friend's
wedding reception in Anchorage, Alaska...
I fall asleep in a snowdrift
while walking back to my hotel.
I'm discovered the following
spring and successfully thawed.
Until then, I wait.
Action.
Ladies and gentlemen,
young and old...
I know this may seem an unusual procedure,
but I thought you might have some questions.
And since I'm already here,
I can answer some of them.
Yes.
Yes.
Not specifically.
I actually find all of them rather weird.
Yes.
Foot-long veggie on wheat.
Thank you.
Cut.