Scary Movie 3 (2003) - full transcript

...day after day you want.

A store that one might...

I hate television. It gives me headaches.

You know, there's so many magnetic waves
traveling in the airspace

because of TV and television,

we're losing ten times as many
brain cells as we're supposed to.

Please!

"The cow says blank." Three letters.

Dude!

"Dude." I don't know.

Magnetic waves, brain cells.



I don't understand the connection
between all that stuff.

You know what else I heard?

Magnetic waves shrink silicone molecules.

Oh, my God! Turn it off!

-It's not working!
-It's backwards!

-What do we do?
-I don't know!

Oh, God!

Thank God. I can't afford to get any smaller.

Come on. You're beautiful.

I wish I had your legs.

I wish I had your butt.

-I wish I had your...
-Shaved pussy?

Nobody's getting Snowball.

Okay. That thing's kind of scary, anyway.



-I know something even scarier.
-What?

Have you heard about this videotape?

The one where they do it on the boat?

And then in the car?
And then in the bathtub?

And he's, like, "Hey, baby, I love you."
And she's, like, "Where are we?"

-And did you see the...
-No. Not that tape.

The one with all the scary images.

You know, after you watch the tape,
the phone rings,

and this really scary voice comes on
and says you're gonna die in, like...

Seven days.
Yeah, I saw that one with Josh last weekend.

You were with Josh last weekend?
Oh, my God!

My God!

Oh, yes, I was.

You ho!

You know it!

-This is really weird.
-Yeah.

Big house, only one phone.

Hello?

I'm coming for you, my precious.

-Hi, Mom.
-Hi, precious. Having fun?

Ask her which bathroom
has a detachable showerhead.

Anyway, we're just about to go to bed.

No. Not like that.

Well, I guess a woman
would know how to touch a...

Hello?

Katie?

Are you okay?

God!

Tom, did you hear...

The dogs are acting strange.

Sue!

What are you doing out here?
We were worried sick.

What's wrong?

I wonder what they're trying to tell us.

And now, Washington, D.C.'s
leading morning news program,

the Morning News.

Good morning. I'm Ross Giggins.

For our top story,
we turn now to Cindy Campbell.

Thank you, Ross.

There's a developing story
in Middleburg at this hour.

A mysterious crop circle appeared
in local farmer, Tom Logan's cornfield.

Elaborate prank
or extraterrestrial phenomenon?

We'll update you
as soon as we have any further information,

but, either way, it's clear something strange
is happening in that small town. Ross?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Coming up, more news after this.

-Cindy, you got a second?
-Sure.

I want you to take a look at this
for that big strip-club exposé.

But I'd rather stick with the crop circle story.

Come on.
You know those things are just a hoax.

No, I'm telling you,
I sense something about that cornfield.

Call it women's intuition or ESPN or both,
but I can tell when danger's near. I just...

-My eyes!
-Cindy, it's sweeps month.

Ratings mean everything.

People want human-interest stories,
like the one you did yesterday.

The report on breast augmentation?

It was just ten minutes of topless women.

I mean, come on.

-Wow!
-Why are these so interesting?

For God's sake!

People don't care about this.

They want hard-hitting stories
and in-depth coverage and... And...

And twins!

You think it was the Kreisel boys
who cut that stuff into your corn?

All I know is my crops are gone.

The bank's gonna foreclose
if I can't pay the rent.

I got 60 days to come up with $1.50.

I'm sorry.
The last thing you needed was more...

...hardship in your life.

Especially after what happened to your...

Sheriff, I don't need your sympathy.

I didn't mean to upset you, Father.

Please. I'm not a minister anymore.

I lost my faith that terrible night.

Your faith will return,
just as sure as the sun will rise.

Sounds like a long shot.

Look, there's always an explanation
for all this so-called phenomenon.

Maybe you're right.

It was probably just the Kreisels.

And when I get through with them,

I doubt you'll be seeing anything strange
on this farm for a long time.

You'll see.

You all right, Tom? Get some rest.

George!

I need you back here tomorrow night
after you pick up Sue.

That tractor needs fixing.

Sorry, dawg. I can't help you.
I have to get ready for my show.

Not that stupid hip-hop stuff again.

Damn it, George, when are you gonna
do something with your life?

-I got a dream!
-What is your dream?

To have a dream.

George, all you've done
is chase adolescent fantasies.

"I wanna be an astronaut, a cowboy,
gynecologist to the stars."

And now, this stupid hip-hop thing.

For your information,
this hip-hop thing is gonna get me paid.

I'm gonna win that rap battle
tomorrow night.

Rap battle? For God's sakes.

You just hate me 'cause I'm black.

You don't have any faith in me.

You don't have any faith
in anything anymore.

So why don't you just worry about you,
and I'll worry about...

Cody.

You're late again, Aunt Cindy.

I'm sorry. I was stuck in traffic.

-Cindy!
-Brenda, hi!

It's great to see you!

-It's been so long.
-Too long.

I've been working so hard.

You know, I've had to spend
more and more time at the station.

The news just keeps coming in.

What was the assignment?

Draw your family and friends.

So, anyone new in your life, Cindy?

Well, you know,
I just haven't found the right guy.

I'm looking for something more
than just good sex.

I know, you want commitment.

No, I want great sex.
And when I meet that guy...

That's what I'm talking about!

You want a guy
that's gonna hit that thing hard, like...

And then flip you over
and come at you from the other side.

D-O-double-G.

Did I say stop drawing?

And then he'll look at you,
like he gonna cut you.

Brenda, you're so romantic.

I guess.

Look, when I meet Mr. Right, I'll know.

Uncle George!

Hey, sweetie, come here!

How are you?

Go get your stuff, okay?

I know you. You're Tom Logan's brother.

-And you're that reporter, Cindy Campbell.
-Yeah.

You did the story on our cop cycles.

Crop circles.

Right.

So, you're here to pick up your...

Nephew. Cody.

You don't dress like a farmer.

My brother's the farmer.

I'm the rapper.

For real. And here's the 6-1-1 on that.

That's phone repair. You mean 4-1-1.

Right.

So, I'll be doing the rap battle
at the 23 Club tomorrow night.

I don't believe this shit.

Word. You two should come down!

I be rappin', I be cappin',
I be tappin', I be flappin',

I be happening. Ding, bing, wing. Yo!

-Sounds good.
-Would, could, should, 'hood.

Gug, mug, dug, bug.

If we say we'll come,
will you shut your ass up?

Okay, then. Fresh.
I'll see you guys tomorrow night.

-Okay. Bye.
-Peace out.

Now, who the fuck did that?

Honey, what is it?
Are you having one of your visions?

There's a girl with black hair.

She wants to kill you.

Your period starts in three, two, one.

What else? Cody, what else do you see?

I see a little boy and a grown woman,
but no father.

-Cody.
-I see you kneeling in dog shit.

What?

Oh, for God's sake.

Cody, don't you understand?

As long as we have each other,
that's all we need.

Cody, I know things have been tough
for you since your mom died.

God, I've been so selfish.
Always putting my career first.

From now on,
I'm gonna be thinking about you 24...

Damn!

Wait, Cindy!

Honey, I'm gonna be leaving soon, so...

Do you know who she is?

No,

but sometimes she talks to me.

She's coming tonight.

-Father Muldoon!
-Cindy.

I'm so grateful you could come.
I've called all over for babysitters.

I don't mind filling in now and then.

Where is little Cody?

I don't know.
He must be back in his room, playing.

Anyway, make sure
Cody washes everywhere.

Also, he has a little rash on his behind.

Could you rub this lotion
on his little bottom?

Just apply it liberally.

Thank you, Father. Good night.

Cody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's getting thick up in here.

Hey, look,
before we get on with the battles tonight,

I got a couple announcements to make.

I know y'all are gonna wanna bust a cap
in the air for your favorite rapper,

but if you could please hold on
to your gunfire until the end of the show.

Now, look, let's just put the safeties on.

It's on the left side of the gun
above the trigger guard.

Will somebody get his ass out of here?
Get his ass up out of here!

All right. DJ, spin that shit!

-My bad.
-Mother...

Brenda, is something wrong?
You look scared.

I don't know.
All that stuff you was saying on TV,

I just got a weird feeling
something bad is heading my way,

like when you see an Asian person
behind the wheel of a car.

Cindy, after the show,

if I don't end up on all fours
with some anonymous guy,

or drink an ass load of Cristal

and have to sleep it off
in a dumpster behind the Sizzler,

you think maybe you could come back
to my crib and hang out with me?

I don't wanna be alone.

Of course I will, Brenda.

I love you!

Pay my way, okay?

Yo, yo, yo, George! What's up
with the man with the tightest rapping...

-What's up, B? What's good?
-...on the streets, baby!

-What's good with you, boy?
-Dude!

-What's good, baby?
-Dude!

Finally, the white man is gonna school
the black man on how to rap.

-Yeah!
-Yeah, I guess.

-Word.
-How many people are here, you think?

Shit.

I don't know, man.
100, 200 whitey-hating, chrome-packing,

ready to bust a cap in any white boy's ass
who ain't bringing that shit.

-Yeah. At least. Yeah.
-Word.

What's wrong, George?

You ever wonder when it's time
to stop living up here

and start living down here?

But what if we stop living over here
and move over there?

Shit, my Aunt ShaNeequa
used to live over there, man,

-but that bitch got evicted, though.
-Word?

-Yeah, I'm dead serious.
-What for?

-Mice.
-Mice? I thought she had rats.

No, man. Rats are outside, mice are inside.

Yo, but what if a mouse goes outside?
Does it become a rat?

And if a rat is in the house, is it a mouse?

I ain't never seen no mouse outside.
That's what I'm saying.

That's because it's a rat, fool!

Damn. Yeah, you might've just made a fact
just now. That's some real shit!

-Fellas, what are you guys talking about?
-That's hot!

Yo, George, you need something?
'Cause I will do anything for you.

Anything.

Well, about those chrome-packing,
whitey-hating gangsters, perhaps...

-What he need is a hype man.
-Word!

Yeah, yeah, a-come on.

You can be his Spliff Star.

That's me, that's what I do.

That's my job, baby. That's what I do!
You know...

That's what I do.
When you a hype man, you take them hits.

Now, let's get out there, man!

Heads or tail, playboy, what's it gonna be?

You cannot escape your fate in the streets

Okay, I count cash, you count sheep

You better not sleep on the beats, capisce

All right, all right, all right! That was hot!

That's what I'm talking about.
That was hot, right? Right?

Yo, what do we think?

I thought you were both absolutely dreadful.

-Ghastly.
-What?

I don't know what I'm doing here.

This club is totally pathetic.

Everybody put your hands up.

This is it. You ready, George?
It's show time, baby.

-Okay.
-I just want to let you know, man,

that no matter what goes on
on that stage tonight,

you'll always be in my heart.

That's love. That's love right there.

-I love you.
-That's what I'm talking about.

-I love you, man. Can you feel it?
-That's what I'm talking about.

-Hey, come here, y'all. Come here.
-Can you feel my love on your hip?

-Can you feel it?
-I can't get around!

-Okay.
-Come on, dawg!

-That's what I'm talking about.
-You go out there and you rip it tonight.

All right, man?
Do your thing tonight, all right?

-Okay, cool. All right.
-We shouldn't have to do that.

-We love each other.
-I'm gonna go bring you on.

Let's do it, baby. We hyped!

Yeah, all right, all right.
Y'all ready for the next throw down?

To my left, we have the reigning champion,

hailing from Fort Apache, the Bronx.

BS 1-1-1.

Some of y'all call him
"Jealous Ones Still Envy."

Some of y'all call him the Don Cartagena!

Some of y'all call him Joey Crack.

-Stick 'em up!
-But tonight, let's give it up for Fat Joe!

I gotta go against him?

Give it up! Give it up!

What, you think they're here to see Fat Joe?

-Joe! Joe! Joe!
-Joe! Joe! Joe!

No, man, they're saying, "Go! Go! Go!"

Now our challenger.

He's a farmer rapper, so you know
he been kicking the shit all day!

Let's give it up for my man, George!

That's what I'm talking about! Yeah, yeah!
Come on, everybody!

-That's right.
-Put your hands...

That's right. Okay, Joey Crack.

You the reigning champion,
so you get to spit first.

Yo, DJ, spin that shit!

These guys can't be serious right here.

Standing Mini-Me, AKA
"I hope he ain't the one you fight with."

Hey, yo, this nigga's mad corny
And he got no skills

'Cause he's all right
But he's not real

I don't mean to hurt your feelings
But you'll never get a deal

'Cause he's all right
But he's not real

You're a needle in the haystack
I'm the don, the city slicker

Forget cows and milk your mom's
Her titties give ya that elixir

Thought he wasn't?

Bet this nigga end up
Having kids with his cousin

Half-retarded
My number-one fan be like

That means Fat Joe's the man!

You're a liar in denial

Kill your ass quicker than I died in Empire

How dare you want to joust with me?

Looking like you dying of SARS
Or mad cow disease

You fake D-rabbit out to battle me

Eight miles down the road
The farm's that-a-way

Okay. No, no, wait a minute!

All right! All right! That was hot!
That was tight, Fat Joe.

Yo! Now, everybody,
give it up for my man, George!

DJ, spin that shit!

Bitch.

Ho.

Now everybody in the 2-0-2

Throw your hands in the air
'Cause Fat Joe is through

Now everybody in the 2-0-2
Throw 'em up

Check it out

I'm a white boy
But my neck is red

I put Miracle Whip
On my Wonder Bread

My face is pale
I've never been in jail

Me and Buffy spend
Every winter in Vail

How many bitches have I slapped?
Zero

And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero

I grew up on a farm
And I was born with no rhythm

Dr. Phil's my uncle
And I like to hang with him

I can't dance
I wear khaki pants

My middle name's Lance
My grandma's from France

So maybe I'm wack
'Cause my skin ain't black

But you can't talk smack
'Cause whitey just struck back

That's what I'm talking about, baby!

-2-0-2, Fat Joe is through!
-2-0-2, Fat Joe is through!

-Give it up for George!
-Yeah!

That's my boy right there! That's what I'm...

Oh, shit.

-George. George. The hood.
-Hell, no!

-Lose the hood.
-I know. We're in the 'hood now.

-No, man.
-He's a dead man.

You guys feeling me? In the 'hood?

That's it. I'm done.

Man, you can't give up rap just like that.

Rap-schmap!

Look, you still got it! See?

Thanks for coming over tonight, Cindy.

I guess I'm just going through a rough time.

Brenda, you want to tell me
what's really bothering you?

Well, there's something I need to...
I saw a tape.

I think you should know about it.

It had these really shocking images, Cindy.

Brenda, it was Mardi Gras.

I never drank vodka before,
and I was out of beads!

No, not that tape, Cindy.

Well, I guess it's just an urban legend.

You watch it,

and as soon as it's over,
your phone rings and a creepy voice says,

"You're gonna die in seven days."

And seven days later...

When did you watch it?

A week ago.

-A week ago tonight.
-Brenda...

Oh, my God!

Brenda!

Brenda! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, you bitch!

Ketchup!

You should have seen the look on your face!

You got me!

Brenda? Brenda?

Oh, my God! Brenda!

Brenda!

-I can't believe you fell for that fake seizure!
-But it seemed so real!

-It did, didn't it?
-And you peed!

Yeah! I really sold that shit, didn't I?

I just love the look on your face
when you are scared.

Girl, you are too easy.

I got you with the old fake hand!

-Girl, you were scared!
-Well, I know!

-Come on. I was just kidding.
-Well, you've taken it too far, Brenda.

I'm gonna go get the rest of the popcorn!

Cindy?

Forget it. I am not falling for it again.

Come on.

Cindy, the news is on!

Another little white girl
done fell down a well.

Fifty black people
get their ass beat by police today,

but the whole world gotta stop
for one little whitey down a hole.

Cindy!

The TV's leaking!

Cindy?

Cindy, something's wrong here.

Cindy, this bitch is messing up my floor!

Cindy, help me!

I'm not listening.

Get up, you little ugly bitch.

Come on. Let me see what you got.

What you gonna do? That's all?

I'm whupping her ass, Cindy!

Yeah! What's up?

Cindy, please help me! Cindy!

Okay, hang on a second. Hello?

Father Muldoon here.
We're getting along famously.

Thanks again, Father. Bye-bye.

Brenda?

Brenda!

Oh, my God!

Yes, yes, of course I'll tell her. Thank you.

Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's dead.

-I'd better tell her.
-No, no, no. I can do it.

-Sue?
-Yes?

-You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
-Yeah?

She's dead!

Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death!

Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!

My dog's dead?

I just ran him over with the car
when I drove in!

Everyone you love around you is dying!

Hello, Father.

Don't call me "Father."
I haven't been a clergyman since...

I'm sorry about that night.

If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving
for that exact 20 minutes,

if I hadn't drank that
exact whole bottle of Jägermeister,

if I hadn't raped and mutilated
that exact mulatto hitchhiker...

-Sayaman...
-...if I hadn't been caught in that

exact motel room
with those exact two boys...

Sayaman. I don't see
what any of this has to do with Annie.

I'm sorry. Those were other nights.

But if it had been that night,

I might have missed her. That terrible night.

Hey!

-It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
-Annie?

She was hit by a truck
and she's pinned against a tree.

I don't understand.

As long as the truck has her pinned,
she'll stay alive.

I still don't get it.

This is your wife.

She broke her wiener?

Look what happens to the taco.

Look, I don't understand all this
fancy medical lingo. I wanna see Annie.

She's split in half.

You mean, like down-the-middle in half?

At the waist.

You mean this is the last time
I can talk to the top half?

Yes. The truck is the only thing
that is holding her together.

Let's say this is her bottom half.

Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?

I'm not sure what you mean.

-Let me explain.
-Tom.

Go to her.

Tom, I'll need a ride home.

Hey, baby. How's it going?

I'm dying, Tom.

Don't talk like that. The truck barely hit you.

Honey, kiss me one last time.

Promise me you'll never remarry.

I promise.

And no sex, either.

I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.

-No sex.
-Honey, you're not speaking clearly.

-Your injuries must be awful.
-No sex.

-Cruel fate to shroud my wife's...
-No sex.

-...dying words in mystery.
-No sex.

-No sex!
-Poor Annie.

We hardly knew her.
She'll be missed terribly.

-Jesus.
-That's right, honey, go into the light.

Look!

Just tell George, "Swing away."

Right. Swing away.

Sure. That you understand.

Annie? Annie!

I'm sorry, dude.

Don't call me dude.
I'm not a stoner anymore, not since...

Goodbye, Tom.

I'm so sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Meeks.

Brenda was a good friend

when she was alive.

My sweet, sweet Brenda.
She looks so peaceful.

If only God had taken us
instead of our daughter.

And knowing your Brenda like I did,
I'd say she wishes the same thing.

These just came today.

Photos from a trip she took.

-They're blank.
-Turn them around, honey.

Yes, of course.

-Who's this?
-That's Ralph.

He's right over there.

Cody?

It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.

Smoke all you want.
You're gonna get hit by a bus.

That's not fooling anyone.

-Cindy.
-George.

Hey. Sue wanted to pay her respects
to her teacher.

-You?
-Brenda was my bitch.

Of course.

Are you okay?

It's just the open coffin.

I can't believe
they just leave it out here like this.

-George, it's a wake.
-Awake?

-Brenda! It's a miracle!
-No! George, stop!

I thought you were dead!

Sue, your teacher's alive!

-Hello?
-What did he say?

I got your back, George! I got your back!

I'll tell you what!

Mahalik, she's alive! Brenda!

-George, stop! She's dead!
-Brenda! No! We won't lose you again!

Mahalik, help!

Nothing!

-She's not breathing!
-No!

Live, damn it! Live!

Don't!

Live, damn it! Live!

Let me open her windpipe!

-Charles! Charles, stop them!
-Breathe!

Someone stop them! What are they doing?

Get off!

She's alive! She's alive!

Wake up! Brenda, Brenda, breathe!

Clear!

No!

I got something! I got something!

-That's it!
-George!

That's the last time I try to bring anyone
back from the dead.

George, don't get down on yourself.
I know you were only trying to help.

You're a good, caring person,

which is why I like you.

Thanks, Cindy,
but I don't wanna screw your life up, too.

The most caring thing I could do
for everyone right now

is to just get out of here.

George! What about Sue?

Yes. Of course. Once I get Sue, then...

Wait!

I could really use a friend right now.

Brenda's gone, Cody resents me.

And I'm caught up in something
I can't even...

Oh, God, it's so hard!

Well, you're beautiful
and you're pressing up against me.

Look, Cindy,

I know you'd never consider
going out with a guy like me,

but if you're not too busy tomorrow night...

-Is that a yes?
-Yes.

Cindy, did Brenda ever talk to you
about a tape?

She did mention something.

Do you mind if I go upstairs
and look around?

Yes, go. Of course. Go.

Cody, I'll be right back, okay?

You're getting laid tonight.
He doesn't know you're a guy.

Oh, shit.

Hello?

What? Willie Mays?

Who's gay? Hello?

...me now?

What?

-Can you hear me now?
-Kind of.

-Can you hear me now?
-Yes, perfect.

-Seven days.
-Seven days?

Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?

Yes. No, wait. Monday.
That would be seven business days.

-This is seven days starting now.
-So seven days to this very hour?

My watch broke.
How am I gonna know the exact hour?

Forget hours.
This day, seven days from now.

But there's a holiday coming up.
Do you count the holiday as a day?

Well, that depends. What holiday?

-Martin Luther King Day.
-Then no.

Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.

Jesus Christ, lady.
I'm giving you seven friggin' days.

I can come over there now and kill
the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

George, I don't care what you say, man.

I'm signing you up for another rap battle.

Mahalik, I told you.
That part of my life is over.

I said the same thing
about getting with CJ's sister.

-But look at me. I'm still hitting that.
-He's still hitting it, man!

And she fine as shit! That's my sister! What?

It doesn't matter. I'm done.

So, what are you gonna do
with the rest of your life, dawg?

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah! Come on!

Maybe my brother was right.
Maybe I should just settle down.

-What's up, then?
-Mother...

I got another one, y'all.

Well, George, man, you can't focus
on that shit, man. Let that go.

Hey, you gotta try this shit, George.

-Yo, man, you got to take the lid off!
-What's wrong with you, man?

-Yes, of course.
-Sorry!

-Hello?
-George, something terrible has happened.

I really need your help.

-Cindy, are you okay? What's going on?
-George! George, you have to help me.

I just watched this tape,
the same tape that killed Brenda.

And then the phone rang, and this voice
said that I was gonna die in seven days.

Cindy, there's no such thing
as a killer videotape.

Hell, yeah, there is!

In fact, I know somebody
who can definitely help you with that.

-You do? Who?
-Wait up, man.

I heard Jamal from 90th Street,
he watched that tape last week.

-And this morning he woke up dead.
-No!

How in the hell do you wake up dead?

'Cause you're alive when you go to sleep.

-Wait. Just tell me who can help me.
-So you telling me

that you can go to bed dead
and wake up alive?

You can't go to bed dead!
Man, that shit would be redundant.

-Just tell me who.
-No, it wouldn't.

'Cause you can go to bed and not be dead,

and you can die but not be in a bed.

But you are in a bed, man. That's how
you wake up dead in the first place, fool!

Damn! That's some quantum shit
right there, man!

-That's what I'm talking about.
-You should be teaching classes!

-You steady dropping knowledge!
-Just tell me who can help me!

-Damn!
-My Aunt ShaNeequa.

Her and her man are into all this weird shit.

They saw the tape
before anybody else knew about it.

Matter of fact,
you should go see them tonight.

-Tonight? Yeah.
-Yeah.

But who will take care of Cody?

George, we're gonna have so much fun.

I have some jigsaw puzzles
and board games

and baseball cards in my room,
and this really cool model airplane.

-I'm gonna go get it.
-Sure.

Okay, so I made him a snack,

and you can give him some warm milk
if he can't go to sleep...

Don't worry.

-Everything's gonna be fine.
-Here it is.

I'm great with kids. Heads up, Cody.

And in case of emergencies,

-I left some numbers...
-I'm okay.

Sorry. You okay, kiddo? That a boy!

And I guess that's it.

-Okay, I'm off.
-Right.

You know, it's funny.
All a child ever really wants is a family.

Yo.

-Cody really likes you.
-He's a good kid.

Yeah.

-Bye.
-Bye.

-Hello?
-I know.

You're Cindy. Be right with you.

Aunt ShaNeequa?

Bingo. But you can call me the Oracle.
And don't worry about that vase.

What vase? Sorry, I didn't know.

That vase.

Please, sit.

It was the chair.

Yes, the chair.

I know why you've come.
A great mystery lies ahead of you,

but you must not shy away
from the challenge.

Only you can be the one who will...

-Orpheus?
-What, baby?

Sweetie?

I'm watching the game.

Do you mind?

The Lakers will win by 12.

-So can you tell me about...
-The tape?

-Yes. I watched it, and...
-The phone rang.

-Right. And then this voice said...
-That you would die in seven days.

-Okay, that's getting...
-Extremely annoying.

-Yeah.
-Try being married to her.

I catch shit about women
I ain't slept with yet.

You made a copy of the tape. Let's see it.

Yes, okay.

ShaNeequa, can you tell me if...

The tape is connected
to the crop circles and the aliens? Yes.

But it's up to you
to discover how for yourself.

-Look, it's a...
-Cigarette?

I was going to say "lighthouse."

Find that lighthouse. It's your destiny.

Wait. What is that?

Oh, my God.

There we go.

Now, baby...

I knew that was gonna happen.

Come on.

Hell, no. Get your ass out the TV!

What's wrong with you?
I'm gonna teach you not to be...

-Get out that TV!
-Baby, no! No!

-No! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go!
-Yeah!

Come on, we gonna get another lawsuit.
Come on!

She spit on me. I'll kill the bitch.

You won. You won. You won. You won.

-Upstairs. Upstairs.
-Okay. Okay.

-Down low.
-Okay.

-All right.
-Baby, no!

-Kill her! Is you crazy? Is you crazy?
-Baby!

-What you gonna brush now?
-Cool down.

What you gonna brush now, huh?

You picked the wrong TV to come out of.

George? Cody?

George?

-What happened?
-I don't know.

Cody and I were playing a fun game,
and then I looked down and...

Yahtzee!

No!

Oh, my God!

-How could you let him watch the tape?
-I didn't...

-Hello?
-It's me.

-How you doing?
-Fine.

Enjoying your last week?
I can't wait to see you.

-Six days now, right?
-Yeah.

Well, it was great catching up,
but can I speak to Cody?

Why? He didn't watch the tape.

Yes, he did.
Come on, Cindy, I do this for a living.

Leave us alone!

-Hello?
-Hello,

I'm calling from Reader's Digest
with a fantastic offer for Cody.

No, you're not!
You're that evil little girl from the tape!

Okay, you got me.
How about I just leave a message for him?

Fine.

Yeah. Okay, how do you spell that?

Right. Okay, got it. Bye-bye.

-I can't believe you let that happen.
-I know. I'm sorry, I screwed up...

Listen, we can still save him.

The answer to the tape,
to your crop circles, is at a lighthouse.

-You think I'm crazy, don't you?
-Of course I do,

but the last thing you need now
is a screw-up like me.

-I'm gonna leave for good.
-Wait.

Well, what should I tell Cody?

Let him down easy.
Tell him I got called away on business.

You'll think of something.

Testicular cancer. He won't ask questions.

-I knew you'd understand.
-George!

Just be careful. Something weird
is going on at your farm. I know it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sometimes a sheep just needs
to be pushed through the fence.

-What?
-Goodbye, Cindy.

Sue?

I can't sleep.

Well, it's way past your bedtime.

Won't you rock me to sleep
in your big, strong arms?

There's plenty of room under the covers.

It's a hot night.

You don't need to wear pajamas.

Where is my daughter?

Are you mad? I am your daughter.

No, you're not!

Come here!

-What did you do with Sue?
-I didn't touch her. I swear.

-I don't believe you!
-Please! For God's sakes, she's a girl!

You sick...

Daddy!

How do you like it, huh? Having fun?

Tom, are you...

What in the world?

Look.

What is that thing?

I don't know.

Maybe Cindy was right.

Please, sir. All I need is five minutes.

And I told you, Campbell,
no more paranoid on-air rants

about the supernatural.

I know. This station is about sex,
violence and the weather.

Yes. That reminds me.

We're gonna need that "Porn Star
Shot Dead in a Hurricane" story.

One hour.

Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston

threatens a clothing-optional beach
where, just yesterday,

a naked couple was brutally murdered.

-This just five miles from the spot...
-I'm sorry.

...where the last naked couple
was brutally murdered.

Turning now to sports.

And an evil videotape that kills anyone
who watches it in seven days.

It's true. We're all in danger.

-There's an alien force out there...
-Oh, no.

...that's trying to prevent you
from knowing the truth.

-Campbell, are you insane?
-Trust me, it's a horrible fate.

-Carson, I have to do this.
-Do you hear me?

Correction, there really is no danger.

Actually, I didn't really mean
anything I just said.

Yes, I did. Every word of it.

Everyone watching this
could be dead in a week.

1-3-4-19...

4-6-9...

I been cleaning after this
dumb-ass cracker, Giggins, for 10 years.

But I been waxing his bitch's ass for 12.

Know what I'm saying, nigger?

I ride that ho like your mama rides the bus.

She likes her some chocolate.

Sharpton for President, y'all. I'm outty.

Peace.

An evil videotape
that kills people in seven days?

Alien forces threatening the world?

And who in the hell is this Cindy Campbell?

If what she says is true,
we're facing an unprecedented crisis.

-Get me the President.
-You are the President.

Good. Then I already know about this.
Let's order lunch.

Sir, I think you need to go on TV

and convince the people
that there is no such thing as a UFO.

Don't spell in front of me, damn it.

Aliens, sir. There's no such thing as aliens.

-That's not quite true.
-Sir?

A year ago, a UFO crash-landed
in New Mexico.

-A body may have been recovered.
-"May have been"?

Well, there was a terrible mix-up.

It was Thanksgiving.
The body was sent down to the kitchen.

They shoved stuffing up its ass,
and we ate it at a state dinner.

That's the last I saw of it.

No, scratch that. There were
some sandwiches made the next day.

-Mr. President! Listen to me carefully.
-Agent Thompson!

Back away from that window!

What? Did I forget
to put my pants on again?

No, sir. It's just a feeling I've been
having since the news about the aliens.

-Something's not right.
-I know what you mean.

Like that feeling
that something's not right.

What is it?

Some old Tupac, sir.

All Eyez on Me. Hey, this shit is banging.

Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.

Hello, Cindy.

I am the Architect.
You have many questions.

I've been watching you for a very long time.

So I see.

But what is the connection between
the crop circles and the videotape?

The answer is simple.
You are the eventuality of an anomaly.

You are inexorably seeking
a sedulant probability.

-"Sedulant"?
-Grotesquery? No?

What about "contingent affirmation"?
That's got to mean something.

Hey! Hey! You put cameras in my bathroom?

I can't... What is this?

Oh, my God. Well, it was a long winter. I...

-This is an invasion of...
-Sorry.

I can't help it. It's very lonely in here.

Ergo, I haven't been with anyone
in a very long time,

not counting myself, or this chair.

I call her... Linda.

Could you just cut to the chase?
I'm kind of in a rush.

Why? You can always
sleep over if you want.

Linda's built for two, and she vibrates.

Stop it! Just tell me what I need to know!
Who is that little girl?

Okay, okay!

My wife and I wanted a child,
but she couldn't get pregnant.

-Neither could I.
-So you adopted?

We loved our daughter, but she was evil.

Made the horses crazy, killed our puppies,
hid the remote, really sick shit.

My wife took her to the old family farm
and drowned her in the well.

I felt a simple time-out
would've been sufficient.

But Tabitha imprinted her evil
on a videotape.

-I never meant for it to get out, but...
-But what?

I put it in the wrong box
and returned it to Blockbuster,

instead of my copy of Pootie Tang.

And it's been circulating
and killing ever since.

Just like Pootie Tang.

-But what does this have to do with aliens?
-I don't know.

Perhaps Tabitha's summoning them
to kill us all.

An alien invasion? I have to warn the world.

It's already begun. You're too late.

Oh, my God.

But not too late to make an old man happy.

What? What?

And now, reports of lights in the sky.

Glimpses of spacecraft.

Possible alien sightings
being reported all over the world.

Are they aliens?

The first video images are coming in.

Disturbing home video tonight
from a ranch outside Sydney, Australia.

Watch very carefully now.

There. There it is. Let's see that again.

Very, very disturbing.

And this just in from São Paulo, Brazil.

Let's see that again.

Very, very disturbing.

And this just in from south Texas.

Do they pose a threat?
Only one thing's for certain.

We are all going to be killed.

We have to board up the house.

Are you sure this is necessary, Wilson?

Having an awards ceremony
at a time like this?

Yes, sir.
Everything must appear business as usual.

The nation, while not yet panicked,
is deeply disturbed.

Right. Good, let's see
if we can steer that course,

keeping everybody deeply disturbed.
We don't want a panic.

Very few presidents
have faced a crisis like this.

I wonder what President Ford
would've done.

Well, if the buck stops here,
the buck stops here.

Thank you, all,
and welcome to the White House.

The Mother Teresa Awards recognize those

who have overcome the severest
handicaps and disadvantages

to help others in their communities.

The young, the old, black and white.

Our Native-American friends.
Hey, how are you?

Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you?
Hey, how are you?

Well, it is therefore my honor

to present each and every one
of you with this symbol of merit.

The room is secure, Mr. President.

-Or is it?
-Sir?

I've been thinking, Thompson.

What if the aliens could
take over human bodies?

They'd look just like us, or almost.

I never thought of that, sir.

We should be on alert
for anything suspicious.

-They could be anywhere, even...
-Right here.

My God. We'd never see the attack coming.

-It's frightening, sir!
-Don't panic.

We'll just move slowly toward the exit.

At last we meet, Mr. President.

It's happening. I knew it!
You'll never take me alive!

She's scrambling my brain!

I'll get her!

No, you don't! Not on my watch!

Good work, sir!

Good God! The small ones have metal teeth!

Jerry's Kids, my ass!

Mr. President! Mr. President,
have you gone completely insane?

Like a fox.

We gotta talk to the one person
who saw this coming, Cindy Campbell.

She knows how to defeat the aliens,
these filthy, rotten scum!

You hideous creature! Get off my planet!

No!

-Mr. President, is everything all right?
-The exits are all blocked.

I'll find one, sir.

Everybody, clear!

This way, sir! God, this is exciting!

You're excited? You should feel my nipples.

Cody? Cody?

Cody, where are you? Honey?

After today's incident in the East Room,

the White House is now advising all citizens

to board up their homes
and prepare for an alien invasion.

Oh, no.

And now, a News 8 exclusive,

the killer videotape
you've been hearing about.

-No...
-We're the only station that has it,

and we're showing it all night. Very exciting.
Let's roll it again.

There. Nobody's getting through
that sucker.

That's great, George,
but we have to get down to the cellar.

-George.
-Cindy.

There's no time. Get down to the cellar.

-Cody! Thank God!
-Aunt Cindy!

-I've been worried sick about you.
-He just showed up about an hour ago.

-I tried to call.
-No, he didn't.

-Okay, but I was gonna.
-No, he wasn't.

Look, Cody, the point is
you can't just run away like that.

I wanted to be with George.

Honey, I know you want a dad, but...

Trust me, Cody, I'm not good at anything.
Why would I be good at that?

Uncle George!

It's gonna be okay, Cody.

I'm going to die, aren't I?

Cody, did I ever tell you what your mom
said about you the day you were born?

No.

I was in the delivery room with her.
She was having a hard time.

Then you began to come out of her.

And your mom screamed
and screamed in pain.

She yelled, "Just kill me.
Bludgeon me with a bedpan.

"Whatever you do, put me out of this pain."

She was gushing torrents of blood.

I have this all on tape
if you wanna see it someday.

Well, finally you came out.

Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself.

Well, on the second try.

The first time,
she snipped your penis in half.

After all, she was drunk. Actually, drugged.

We'd been out the night before,
celebrating Saint Patrick's Day,

and she thought,
"Hey, I never tasted crystal meth."

So she did just a little.

-My penis?
-Yes.

They sewed it on upside-down.

-So that's why I pee up?
-Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey.

It's on my list of things.
Right after we get TiVo.

Anyway, there you were.

And your mom turned to me, and she said
"Hey, you want him? Take him."

Then she died. And I took you.
Do you know why?

I had just lost my cat in a fire,
and I needed something to pet and feed.

And I miss that cat, Cody.

But I love you,
and nothing's ever gonna change that,

not even the very painful death
we're about to experience.

George! George.

-Are they gone?
-I don't hear anything.

-Don't worry, Sue. It'll be all right.
-It was Uncle George.

Well, it's scary.

Good work, Sue.

I don't know what stupid, idiotic thing
made these lights go off.

All right, there's some spare fuses
in the crawlspace.

If I can get to them,
I can get these lights back on.

Quick, George, grab that railroad tie.

Jam it against the door.

My balls!

Not those! Jesus!

No!

Uncle George! I'm scared!

Sweetie, come here. It's okay.

There's something
on the other side of the door.

I can't see anything.

Oh, my God.

Can you see them? What are they doing?

They're horrible.
They're grayish with big black eyes.

Their teeth are grotesque.

-I think they're giggling.
-What?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I think...

I think they wanna eat me.

-Help!
-Cody! Oh, my God!

George. Swing away, George.

-I'm coming, Cody. I'll save you.
-Aunt Cindy, help!

Die!

Die! You damn aliens, let him go!

You're not getting in here!

-What else you got? Bring it!
-George...

There! Had enough?

Forget it, Cody. Thank me later.

Cody. Thank God. Come on.

-Daddy! Daddy!
-Sue!

Mahalik, what are you doing here?

Hey, man, I told you the 'hood's
always got your back.

Thank God. There's two of them at the door.

-What?
-They're gone.

Good. They couldn't get in.
I hear they can't open doors.

They mastered space flight, but they
can't get through a wooden door?

Look, the cellar's the safest place.

I say all the women and children stay here.

All right, and the men,
we go outside and fight.

Right. And what's
the cut-off age for children?

Come on, come on.

Follow me.

I'm sorry. I thought I was hitting the brake.

Now, we don't have to go
through insurance, do we?

Mr. President, what are you doing here?

I'm looking for Cindy Campbell.

She may hold the key
to defeating the aliens.

Good. The Air Force is here
with those new round planes.

We don't have round planes, sir.

Oh, my God.

Wait. Do you hear that?

-Yo, what's up, George?
-CJ!

I told you, the 'hood always got your back.

And I got the boys with me.
Get out the car, man.

-Yo, who we gonna shoot?
-Y'all ready to go step?

Well, let's go do this,
'cause I'm hyped right now, B!

-I'm real hyped!
-You stepped on my shoe, bitch!

Call me another bitch again,
and I'll park your truck dead in your ass.

-Calm down, man.
-Damn, homey!

-In the cornfield.
-They're coming!

Hey, look, don't even worry about that.

Me and my boys here, we gonna
go ahead and take care of this.

Hey, yo, come on, let's start it!

If I was you, son, I'd bust this shit right now.

-Your mama!
-I got your number, too, homey.

Hey! We over here, y'all!

He ain't gonna bust nothing.
I got nuts bigger than him, ya heard?

Percival, you country-ass,
maple-syrup nigger.

Y'all want some biscuits?
You want some biscuits?

Get down! Get down!

I can't believe what I just saw.

These men died for their country.
Send flowers to their bitches and hos.

I can't break free!

Think! They must have
some kind of weakness.

I found it!

-Without their heads, they're powerless!
-Please, no. We mean you no harm.

We traveled to your planet
to find an evil little girl.

We must destroy her before seven days.

You mean you watched the videotape?

Our satellite picked up
what we thought was Pootie Tang.

That was a week ago.

And now our entire race will die
unless the girl is destroyed.

-See? They are peaceful.
-Well, if they're so peaceful, man,

why were they choking us
a few minutes ago?

That's how we say hello.

Hello! Nice to see you.

-Hello, hello.
-Hello, hello.

Well, how do you guys say goodbye?

I had to ask.

If you think that's strange,
you should see how we pee.

So we're not so different after all.

There's something about this place.
It's like I've seen it before.

Oh, my God.

This used to be their farm.
She died right here.

There's something down there.

-Push back. Follow through.
-Hey.

-Follow through.
-Yeah. You got it.

Just look at this.
Human beings and aliens working together.

We're all just one big galactic family.

Family. That's just what
I've been running away from.

Well, that's because you're an idiot.

This is it.

My wife took her to the old family farm
and drowned her in the well.

The little girl. She's frightened of the well.

Cindy!

Time to go back down the well, bitch.

-Cindy!
-No. Don't hurt him!

Cindy, you have to come outside.
The aliens aren't invading...

Don't worry, Cody. I'll save you.

Wait! Wait. Don't do this.

You don't have to be evil.

I know what happened to you, Tabitha.

I know what your mom did. That was wrong.

You were just a little girl.
And you're still that little girl,

just a lot more corpsy
and with really bad teeth.

But maybe all you need is a mother.

And a father.

-We could be...
-A family.

Thank you all.

Your love has broken the curse
and freed my soul.

-I'll never have to kill again.
-Really?

Nah! I'm just screwing with you!

I just want to tell you both good luck.
We're all counting on you.

Now it's over.

No, no, it's okay. He's our friend.

Thank you for saving our species.
Now we must return to our home planet.

Goodbye, then.

Goodbye.

Hey, congratulations, George!

You know the 'hood always got your back.

Yeah, yeah! Come on!

-Bye!
-Thank you.

George, I'm so happy. Finally we're a family.

Yeah. You, me, and...

-Damn!
-Damn!

Cindy! George! Wait!