Scared Shrekless (2010) - full transcript

Run!

Run for your life!

- Keep away! Keep away!
- Take it!

Take all of it!

The monster took my shoe!

- Candy!
- Yay, treats. I love treats.

- Felicia.
- Hi, Daddy.

That was a nice grip you had
on that big fat kid.

Farkle, excellent work with your teeth.

- Fergus, my lad.
- Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

We're gonna have to work
on your timing.



All in all, not bad
for your first Halloween.

They're growing up so fast.

And look who got
her first clump of hair.

Did you see?
Farkle got him in the ankle.

- What about little Fergus?
- Nothing yet.

That's all right, sweetie.

Mama didn't get a scare
this year either.

Fear not, my love.
The night is still young.

Hold the phone.
Who left the door open?

You don't think that someone's inside?

Now, who'd be stupid enough
to break into an ogre's house?

Oh, wow. Terrifying.
I don't know how I'm gonna sleep now.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

- Oh, man.
- You said this was gonna scare 'em.



Hey! I worked hard on this costume.

Admit it, Shrek. Weren't you even
a little bit scared?

Donkey, ogres don't get scared.
We do the scaring.

And that's why
we're the kings of Halloween.

I bet we can find something
that would scare the pants off of you.

- Which would scare me.
- Oh, really?

And what do you have in mind?

All of us telling scary stories
all night long.

There ain't no way you won't be scared!

Yes.
Stories to make your blood run cold.

- Yeah.
- Stories to terrify you.

Yeah.

And whoever shall last
through the night,

shall be named the King of Halloween.

I accept.

We doubly accept.

Does anyone else want to join
our little contest?

- I'm in!
- Ja, wunderbar!

Huzzah!

OK. I think
I'm going to take the kids out

and terrify a few more
trick-or-treaters.

Will I see you later?

- The night is young.
- Trick or treat.

I shall begin.

Once upon a midnight dreary...

There was this crazy albino guy,
with a hook, and he lived in a mirror.

And if you even looked at him,
you'd wake up in a bathtub full of ice,

with your kidneys gone.

Whoa. Hey, hold on.
I didn't say we were doing this here.

- What?
- You name the terms, I name the place.

OK, fine!
Where we gonna do this?

Castle Duloc?

Ha, ha, very funny, Shrek.

But this is where Lord Farquaad lived.

Ja! Und died.

I heard it's haunted by his ghost.

If you're all too scared
to put on big boy pants and go in,

I'll just claim my winnings
and be on my way.

Now, wait a minute!

We can last in there
just as long as you can.

Fine. Come on then.

Hold up, Shrek. You can't
just go barging into some creepy,

spookyjoint like you own the place.

And why not? It's not like there's
anyone here to stop us.

I still don't know about this, man.

I'm getting a whole creepy
House of wax vibe going on in here.

Look, it's that little thingy
you love so much, remember?

Welcome to Duloc

It's a creepy town

What was once pristine
Now is all rundown

We will chop off your head
And then laugh when you're dead

Duloc is a creepy place

Come on in
What the heck

Fall right down
Break your

Face

Duloc is
Duloc is

Duloc is a creepy place

Get out.

- Let's do that again!
- No!

Well, then...

This ought to be fun.

Fun. Yeah, right.

I find myself agreeing with boss.

This looks to be
a very entertaining evening.

You know what? I just figured out
what your costume is.

You came as a kiss-up!

All right, all right.
Buckle up, everybody.

The quicker I scare the wits
out of you lot,

the sooner I can be home,
cozy in my bed.

Unless anyone else thinks
they've got what it takes?

Pick me, pick me!
I have a scary story.

This isn't the one about you getting
trapped in the petting zoo again, is it?

'Cause that's not scary.

Actually, if you look at it
from my perspective...

Hey, guess what, Pinocchio?
No one cares!

Get ready to send
these jokers home, Shrek,

'cause I've got a doozy.

And it's all true.

It was a dark and stormy night...

Gingy?

My girlfriend kicked me out.

You know, something about me
being too into myself.

You? But you are so adorable.

I know, that's what I keep telling her!

I need a good woman, Muffin Man.

I can help you, Gingy.

How about this one?

- I don't know.
- You like her?

No. Weird hair.

- How about this one?
- Too skinny.

No! Don't like it!

OK. Well, how about this one?

Yes! That's it!

She's perfect.

The girl of my dreams.

Wait. More sugar.

But that is not the recipe.

Trust me, Muffin Man,
this girl's gotta be real sweet.

I want someone
who will love me forever.

I must warn you, Gingy.

No one has ever made cookies
with this much sugar.

You are tampering with forces
far beyond your comprehension!

Just put her in the oven!

OK, a little privacy?

Take a hike.

Oh, oui.

Oh, my gosh, I'm in love!

You're like a cookie angel.

Wow! And you're hot, too!

Hello?

I guess it didn't work.

Gingy. Is it you?

The one I was made for?

We'll be together forever.

Sweet!

Are you happy, Gingy?

You bet!
The time since I met you

has been the best...
seven and a half minutes of my life.

Good! Because this is
only the beginning.

I'm going to love you and hold you,

and feed you and dress you
and cling to you and...

...hang onto you and smother you
with my love.

- Yeah.
- Forever and ever and ever and ever...

You know,
it's getting a little stuffy in here.

You know, I'm gonna go get some air.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- Oh, no!

Not without your umbrella.

Come on!

Here, let me get that.

Wait for me.

Sugar, could you just do me
one small, little, teensy favor?

Anything.

Could you leave me alone
for like 30 seconds?

Anything but that.

Yeah, I forgot
my gumdrop buttons. Yeah.

Could you run over there
and get 'em for me, please?

Sure I can. I'll be right back.
Gingy, Gingy...

Run, run, run as fast as you can,

if you want to remain
a gingerbread man!

Oh, Gingy.

I don't understand.
I thought you were happy.

- Oh, well, I...
- It's all my fault.

I should have tried harder!

No, no, no! Don't try harder!

Maybe I'm not pretty enough.

I can be pretty! Really pretty.

The girl of your dreams.

- Remember?
- Leave me alone!

Gingy!

Let go, Gingy!

Fall with me,
so we can be together forever!

Here's a thought. You let go!

Together. Together for...

Boy, what a night!

I'm so glad that is over with.

- Oh, well, nothing lasts forever.
- In sports...

Together forever.

- Together forever.
- What a nice surprise.

Together forever.

Hey! So, what's up?

I think we both may have said
some things I might regret.

- Together forever.
- Gosh, your eye is pretty.

Look, I know you're upset, so...

Why don't we just sit down
and discuss this!

Then they ate me.

They're gonna do that
all the way home.

I gotta go.
They were my ride.

Wait a minute.
If they eat you,

how is it that you're still here?

Did you not say this was a true story?

Busted.

You made it up, didn't you?

I... Hey, look!
Lord Farquaad's ghost!

Doody heads!

And then there were three.

Who else wants to step up?

I, too, have a terrifying tale to tell.

It was a dark and stormy night.

Hey, hey. What the...?

And we needed to find us some shelter.

This is my turn to tell a story.

Hey, hey.

The kindly innkeeper
was warm and friendly.

She made me feel all bubbly inside.

My trusty sidekick here
would love to freshen up.

- Sidekick?
- And I would love some waffles.

- We are equals.
- Oh, man. Of course we are.

The noble donkey reassured his
clearly inferior sidekick.

I'm getting a little tired of this.

But before Puss could finish
his thought,

he decided to take
a well-deserved tongue bath.

What the...?

Well, as long as I am here.

But right then,
danger came from behind.

And Puss was never seen again.

The end.

No! That is not how the story goes.

I was well aware
of the approaching danger

and went for my steel!

Don't worry, little buddy.
I'm here to save you.

Oh, you're killing me.

It was Prince Charming. He was packing
heat and he wanted revenge!

- I want revenge!
- He said.

But before anyone could do anything...

It was awful and it was terrible
and it was really, really scary.

What? No! Go back.

Although the Charming was fast,

I was swift enough to repel the attack
and leap to safety.

Which is exactly
what he wanted you to do.

Charming laughed,
just like a crazed maniac.

No, I'm sorry, but I would never
let that happen to me.

Instead, I... I woke up.

Yeah, that's right. It was all a dream.

You mean a nightmare. You know
you're on the ceiling, right?

I will get you for this.

Oh! And then the lights went out.

It was horrible and sad
how Puss pleaded for mercy.

Mercy? Please.

Said Puss,
with his last dying breath.

But when the lights came back on,

it was the donkey
who was taking a shower.

Oh, my goodness.
Why would I do that?

And right behind you,
there was danger.

- Oh, man.
- You were paralyzed.

It was a donkey-eating waffle.

It was packing heat
and it wanted revenge!

I want revenge!

The donkey... ran.

But how far can you run
when you are on a plate,

covered in butter, wearing a pink tutu?

- No!
- And a sombrero!

And a coconut brassiere!
And about to be eaten alive!

No! Please!
Please, I'll switch to pancakes.

And the donkey was never seen again.

But what Puss didn't know
is that right behind him

was the one thing he feared more
than anything else.

- No. You wouldn't.
- I would.

- You didn't.
- I did.

No! Anything but that! No!

The end.

I'm pretty sure that's cheating.

It worked, didn't it?

Who's next in our little contest?

Has anyone seen the mice?

Are we there yet?

OK. I think it's time for a story
that's actually scary.

Yeah, whatever.

You had your chance.
Now then.

Something beyond comprehension
was happening to a little boy

on this street, in this house.

A man had come as a last resort,

because... no one else
would go near the place.

I hear you've been expecting me.

- You are the...?
- That's right.

I am...

...the babysitter.

Yes, yes.
Thank goodness that you've come.

My boy. I don't know
what's gotten into him.

I've never seen anything like it.

Trust me, buddy, I've got
three little ogres at home.

This will be a piece of cake.

Father.

Father!

- OK, then.
- Look, I'm telling you.

I've tried every trick in the book.
You see?

"Once Upon A Time-Out"?
Oh, come on, now.

- You're gonna listen to a goose?
- Please. You don't understand.

It's like he's two different people.

What your kid needs is discipline, not
a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo.

You just gotta walk in there,
look him in the eye,

and show him who's...

Please tell me he's an only child.

Bubblegum fish pants...

Hello.

Well, here's your problem.

His head's not screwed on right.

When you wish upon a star,

you get lots of stuff.

Well, I wish for a nice, quiet evening

where you go to sleep
and I raid the icebox.

OK.

See? That was easy.

It's like I always say,
when it comes to good parenting,

you have to be fair but firm.

You just show 'em
that you mean business...

And he's out of bed again, isn't he?

You never have this problem
with sock puppets.

All right, what's this all about?

Voices.

- Voices?
- In here.

Telling me what to do.

You have voices inside your head.

Sometimes.

And what kind of things
do they tell you to do?

The early bird catches the worms!

What's gotten into this kid?

Hey! You're going to...

Maybe you sing him a little song.

Come here, you... Hey!
What the...?

Do I look like the kind of guy
that knows a lullaby?

Sing!

Lullaby and good night

Close your big creepy eyes

If you sleep
Away I'll creep

And get out of here alive

You know, once you get past
all the splinters and rope burns,

he's actually kind of cute.

Now where did he go?

A bird in the hand is worth
two in the bush.

Now there's something
you don't see every day.

Get him off! Get him off!

Come back here, you!

I regret nothing!

I'm too young to have termites!

I'm no termite, Pinocchio.
I'm a cricket.

You were the voice in my head
this whole time?

That's right.

I'm the one who was putting
all those thoughts in your noggin.

I'm your conscience,
and as long as you let me,

I'll always be your...

The end.

That wasn't me.
I never had any bugs in my head.

Ask anyone.

OK, then. Why don't we start
by asking your conscience.

Now who's cheating?

Well, Donkey,
looks like it's just you and me.

Go ahead. There ain't nothing
you can say that can scare me.

Oh, well, I suppose
there's nothing left to do

but sit here in the dark
and wait for the ghost.

Ghost? What ghost?

Farquaad's ghost, of course.

As a matter of fact,
if I remember correctly,

I believe you had a hand
in his untimely demise.

Hey, man. That was an accident.

And besides, all that ghost stuff is
just an urban legend.

- You know that.
- Is it?

OK, OK, that's...
that's just the wind.

Donkey!

And apparently it knows my name.

That's very funny, Shrek.
But I know it's you doing this.

Hey, I'm standing right here
with you, Donkey.

No way. This place is
not haunted by a ghost,

and when the sun comes up,
Donkey will be the new King of...

It's right behind me, isn't it?

- Donkey.
- Oh, my goodness!

Well, that's what I'd call
a "knight" to remember.

What do you say
we scare ourselves up some dinner?

I'd say... grab the kids
and let's get going.

And that's why
we're the Kings of Halloween.

He was so scared. We probably
won't see him for a month.

So, what else have you got
in your bag of tricks?

I've got seven eggs.

Perfect.

I love this holiday.

Oh, very nice!

I am not happy!