Scare Package II: Rad Chad's Revenge (2022) - full transcript
When horror guru Rad Chad Buckley's funeral turns into an elaborate series of hilarious death traps, the guests must band together and use the rules of horror to survive the bloody game.
Which would make you final girl.
Well, then who the hell are you?
Well, I'm obviously
the know-it-all horror guy.
Security breach.
- No.
- Security breach.
You're not gonna
want to follow him.
Why?
I'm really surprised
she lasted this long.
I cannot stress this enough.
Stay out.
- I wasn't even there.
- Alarm.
- Run.
Don't mess with the bull, man.
Or you'll get the horns.
Why would someone
give us a sequel?
What is important here is that
we are in a horror movie!
You okay?
Thank you. Not here, though.
She's not here.
I know.
What is it?
Just looks like he's
staring at me.
-Oh, look at that picture.
It really captures his eyes.
-Wait.
This is the video-store guy?
Yeah. There's, like,
not anybody here.
-What's up, Henry?
You piece of shit.
Holy shit, it's Good Guy.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Step away from Mr. Johnson.
-It's okay.
Give the kiddies what they want.
That's the good guy.
-Come on, swoop it.
Big swoop on the "K."
Thank you.
Sweet. I got an autograph
from Good Guy's bodyguard.
- Chad... he has a twin?
- I've seen him before.
Why are we at
the video-store guy's funeral?
- Mother.
- Ms. Kapowski.
Darling! Oh!
Do you know if there's
food here or not?
I believe there are
hors d'oeuvres, sir.
What the fuck's
an hors d'oeuvres?
♪♪
♪♪
Friends.
Family.
Countrymen.
Welcome!
First off, I'd like to give
a gigantic thank you to Adele,
who just sang
that beautiful song.
I'm just so glad
you could be here today.
And to my friends and family,
who all made that happen.
We're all rolling
in the deep together.
It means so much to me
that you're here today.
But it also means I've met
my tragic, yet likely heroic,
but clearly untimely demise.
Being beaten to death
against a tree
while in my sleeping bag...
killed by a robot sent back
in time to stop the revolution.
Leaving the oven on.
Trapped under a vending machine.
An ornate puzzle box.
Great white sharks.
Choking on a chicken bone.
Being separated
from my conjoined twin.
Electrocution. A broken heart.
Buried alive.
A hole punch through my face
by the Devil's Lake Impaler.
Yeah, that's it.
And now a hole in me
is a hole in all of you.
And I know how hard this is.
But you must keep on.
You must live your lives.
You must persevere-ay.
You must stay rad, my friends.
♪♪
Time to go, I guess.
Let's get out of here.
♪♪
♪♪
What the fuck is happening?
Where's the door?!
-Pick him up.
Don't you dare drop him.
Bert, stay close to me!
Stay close to me!
It's locked.
Where are his glasses?
He can't see without
his glasses!
♪♪
Hey!
Hey!
We're in here.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Mom?
Are you okay?
- Are youokay?
♪♪
How would you
like to play a game?
I mean,
how'd you like to play a game?
I used to play games all the
time by myself as a kid.
This one's awesome.
You all have been
specially chosen to take part
in this fully
immersive experience
like none other before.
It's the ultimate
Rad Chad recommendation!
From beyond.
But pay close attention.
It may just save your life.
I got you, K-Bear.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
What's that?
It's probably just
one of the Sure to Die girls
making out
in the bushes again, Nancy.
♪♪
Hey, Tony.
Got the wrong house again,
buddy.
Yeah, the New Year's Eve party
is next door,
and the Sure to Die girls
are all ready for you.
I'm sure.
If you're gonna
borrow our knives,
please sharpen
before you return.
♪♪
Is she okay?
Well, yeah.
Laurie?
Laurie, honey, you can get up.
There was some kind of mistake.
Oh, I don't think
that's a good idea, Ginny.
Yeah, that was a bad idea.
- Guys, I think she's dead.
- She can't be dead.
She was just studying, having
no fun, doing everything right.
Tony?
Sally, it might not be safe.
See? We are the final girls.
Just look at
our androgynous faces,
khaki pants,
and button-up shirts.
Killers take us for granted.
They don't kill us.
♪♪
Oh, hey, girls.
We're all partying
super hard next door,
and we just can't seem
to find our beer bongs.
Do you happen to have any?
Uh, yeah.
I think we have some
in storage in the basement.
What is a beer bong?
You know, the Sure to Die girls
thought it'd be pointless
to ask, but, hey,
it's almost the '90s.
Maybe you guys have changed.
Guys, I think we've
switched places
with the Sure to Die girls.
That's crazy.
They're sure to die.
What's next?
Is a boy gonna be
the last one standing?
Good one.
We're no longer being rewarded
for being the outsiders.
For being smarter
than everyone in the room.
For being a bad-ass.
For avoiding sex till marriage.
Okay, maybe not till marriage,
but I keep all my clothes on
during sleepovers
and late-night parties.
That's just common sense.
- Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
♪♪
♪♪
Where'd he go?
He's gonna kill us all.
We need to do something.
Um, I can throw on
that ugly sweater
I've been knitting and be
his mommy and shame him.
"Bad Tony.
Bad Tony, killer guy."
I can stay awake for days.
I can go into hyper-sleep
until it all goes away.
-Hey, you're the bad-ass.
Get it together.
Nothing makes sense anymore!
♪♪
Hey.
So, I didn't find
any beer bongs,
but I did find this cool thing.
That's a turkey baster.
-Ellen. "It's a turkey baster."
Are you mad at me?
Oh, you should try this.
This is something different.
Okay. We have a plan.
So, Tony is only
killing final girls.
But what if we use her to
distract him while we get away?
-Look at her.
Her knees are showing.
We'll make her one of us.
♪♪
- She still looks hot.
- So hot.
Oh, yeah.
That totally makes a difference.
Okay, so, we're just gonna
leave you down here alone
to, uh, do laundry
on New Year's Eve.
No problem.
Nothing is happening.
Where is he?
- I have an idea.
- Of course you do.
It is almost midnight.
And since the old rules
don't apply anymore, what if we,
I don't know...
party like we've never
partied before.
That's a good idea.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
You're so pretty.
♪♪
Oh! Ow.
This is fun.
We're trapped.
Hello, ladies.
Laundry's done.
Although I think I shrunk
that hideous wool skirt.
Not that Laurie
needs it anymore. She's dead.
Uh, you're welcome.
While you were finally
discovering the joys
of personal pleasure,
I saved you from that guy.
Oh, crap.
- We didn't need your help.
We've been doing fine
the past two decades,
surviving, while girls
like you died tragically,
walking alone in the woods,
having sex after
a friend got murdered,
partaking in a midnight snack
in the dark.
Alone?
Just kidding.
You guys are right.
You don't need my help.
Found the beer bong, Buffy.
I did not mean to do that.
Leave us alone, you bitch.
You had a gun this whole time?
Look, I get it.
You all survived because your
resilience and virginal vaginas
gave you the power to fight
against the great male gaze.
And it allowed you to be
that unlikely savior
of your community.
You proved their sexist theory
that being a good girl
meant you were good enough
to survive.
Catholic guilt, anybody?
But also, let's be honest,
I mean, letting a lady survive
allowed men to spend
the entire movie sexualizing
and brutally murdering
every other woman in a film.
Women like me.
Who had sex.
A lot of sex.
And maybe didn't love studying.
Yeah.
We had no chance.
We were lucky
if they gave us pants.
No, no, please. I'm...
I'm very okay wearing this.
One, because
it's a cheerleading outfit,
and cheerleading is a sport.
And two, it is very practical
for kicking ass.
But more importantly,
it does not indicate
that I deserve to die.
Isn't it time we all
come together
and let women be women?
Look at that gun.
How are you even holding that?
- It's really heavy.
- Yeah.
Happy New Year!
♪♪
Welcome to the '90s,
motherfucker.
That was pretty good.
Horror fans are "so sick."
That's what you say to us.
And, well, maybe you're right.
Maybe weare sick.
Sick of the pretension.
Sick of the world
looking down on us
because we don't dare turn away
from the violent,
the sinister, the macabre.
Oh, yes. We are sick.
Sick of you judging us.
And now a sickness
lies within you, as well.
There's a poison
coursing through your veins,
giving you mere minutes to put
what you learned from the film
to the ultimate test.
It will do a number on you.
Live or die. Make your choice.
I-I choose live.
- Yeah.
- If it's a choice, right?
Yeah, d-def... We choose live.
-We got Bert, guys.
We're gonna...
I think we'll be okay.
- Wait, this is a prank.
You all knew Chad.
He wasn't smart enough
to do any of this.
Oi, when it comes to brains,
Chad is the dog's bollocks.
M-Maybe it's like an
escape room or something.
I did one of those once
on vacation.
It's an escape room.
How fun. I love escape rooms.
The key is we have to work
together as a team.
I'll be project manager.
I think we should split up
into small groups
and each take a section
of the room.
That way, we can
cover more ground.
Uh, I did one of these once,
and the key was hidden
in my shoe.
Oi!
I mean, maybe there's
a trap door or something.
-Oh, great thinking.
Okay, let's split up.
You come with me.
You're a key fixture here, okay?
Don't let anyone
tell you otherwi...
Oh.
Oh, my God. Are you...
Are you okay?
Oh, my God. Are youokay?
Aah! Aah! My arm!
- Holy shit.
- You barfed my arm off!
Aaaah!
I think this might be real.
It's just those damn enchiladas.
Oh, I got to take a Brad Pitt.
What?
♪♪
♪♪
What are you doing?
I'll never let
anything happen to you.
I love you.
Is this real?
You bet, baby.
Oh.
Holy shit.
Oh, no.
Nooooooo!
Aaaaah!
Oh, no, Bert. No, no, no.
This doesn't look good
for you, man.
- I'll make it.
- You... Are you sure?
It's, like, really bad.
It looks bad.
- You'll be okay, too.
- How can you say that?
You're the one
that makes me okay.
You're the one that makes me
okay, Bert. You're my rock.
Kameron!
Look at me!
You always had it in you.
You can do this.
I believe in you.
Really?
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everyone remain calm.
We just need to...
This really hurts.
What are the odds?
- Oh!
- Oh, oh.
Guess they're finally
together now.
Bert, this is your fault,
in a way. I hold you acc...
Oh, what's that?
-Holy shit.
It's a beer-pong table.
♪♪
♪♪
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
It's about the numbers.
- The Benjamins.
- What?
No, the... the creepy hooded guy
in the video said
that the poison
would do a numberon us.
There are numbers
on the sides of the cups.
Okay, so we take the antidote,
we put it in the cups,
and we drink it.
In the correct cup
and you're fine,
but in the wrong cup...
Probably something like that.
- Okay.
Oi.
So just grab the balls, walk
them over, put them in the cups.
Force field is at full strength.
No good. That's bad.
What are you doing?
Chad an I used to be quite the
beer-pong team back in college.
But I need a little
liquid courage.
What number?
- Uh...
12.
♪♪
♪ I'm taking a chance
♪ Risking it all
♪ For the thrill of a moment
♪ I'm taking a stand
♪ You ain't gonna fall
♪ And you've always known it
♪ They're dying to shake you
♪ Trying their best
to break you ♪
♪ And though the going's rough
♪ You're going home as a hero
♪ 'Cause there's thunder
in your heart ♪
♪ Every move is like lightning
♪ There's the power you feel
♪ When you get your taste
of glory ♪
♪ There's a fire gonna start
♪ And you know they're
going under ♪
♪ You can light the dark
♪ When they hear your heart
of thunder ♪
Still got I!
Try my hand.
Well, here's to swimming
with bow-legged women.
Am I right?
- Doesn't hold up.
Oh, right?
-Um, here. That's you.
And this one's for you.
Well, here is to...
-No, no, I can just drink.
Let's just drink it.
Oh.
♪♪
Are you some kind
of a math whiz?
No, no, I was...
Was Chad's accountant.
But I left to go pursue my
dreams of working with children.
Guess that's...
It's all over now.
Oh, don't say that.
Were you a teacher?
- Third-base coach.
Kids will never know
when to go home now.
Well, you really
took charge back there.
I like a man of action.
You can get to third base
with me anytime.
Oh! Oi.
Oh, uh, sorry.
- Guys?
- Oh, shit.
♪ Everybody dies in the end
♪ Everybody dies in the end
♪♪
♪♪
Wasn't that fun?
My favorite is Alex's twist
on that final-girl trope.
And now on to our next
final girl, Miss Daisy.
She's got a killer
that can't stop, won't stop
driving her mad.
Get it?
"Driving Miss Daisy."
- Oh, great. Another movie.
- You'll get there.
But this is one of my all-time
favorite sequels.
And sequels are the lifeblood
of the horror genre.
Wink.
So pay close attention
or you might just meet
the same demise
as Miss Daisy yourself.
Mm?
Daisy? I know Daisy.
I was gonna break up with her.
I swear.
Please. No. Oh, God.
Oh.
Oh, please. Don't stab me.
Oh. Not the hand.
Not the hand.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Who is he?
He is evil incarnate,
conceived in Hell's womb.
Born without a soul, nourished
by the teat of the Devil.
Spanked by Satan himself.
He is the vessel of death.
My dear Daisy,
he is your...
♪♪
- Another nightmare?
- Stop the car.
We're almost to
my sister's place.
I said stop
the fucking car, Scott.
Your nightmares always
resurface around the 4th.
You know that.
This was different.
They're getting more, uh,
intense, more real.
I have to...
I have to go back to the cabin.
In case he comes back.
- Daisy.
It's been over 20 years.
Baby, he's not coming back.
He always comes back.
♪♪
Fine.
♪♪
But I'm coming with you.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
We're here.
♪♪
♪♪
Wait.
Be right back.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Daisy.
My dear Daisy,
I knew you'd come.
♪♪
Dr. Castle.
You're alive.
Do you...
know this guy?
Daisy. Thank God you're here.
I must reveal to you,
finally, the terrible truth.
He is your...
Brother. I know.
Oh. Oh, you do.
Dr. Castle.
How did you know
I would come here tonight?
This cabin and the 4th of July
are deeply interwoven
into the blood-soaked fabric...
Into the blood-soaked
fabric of the tragic tale
on which you
and your brother is written.
Not only did you come here
as children,
but it is the cursed sight
of the very first night
he came back to enact
his revenge on you.
I remember that fateful day
of Independence
as if it happened
in the fog of a bad dream.
Fireworks going off
across the lake.
Finding your friends' corpses.
Hearing your screams.
Shooting him dozens of times
at point-blank range
only for the bastard
to rise up out of the ashes
and give me this.
Daisy, I came back here for the
same reason that you did.
The inevitability
of Evil's return.
Karma's killer.
Fate's fiend.
Your brother coming back
one last time.
Who the fuck is this guy?
After the last time
I killed him,
I buried what
was left out there.
I thought that was
the end of it.
The final kill.
The start of a new beginning.
Daisy, I'm afraid there's one
more thing I must tell you.
The bond between you
and your brother goes much
deeper than merely the blood
that you share.
I don't like
where this is going.
Daisy, you are...
♪♪
Oh!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Will?
I love you, Daisy.
Daisy, shoot him.
Craaazy night.
- But I watched you die.
- Yeah.
And you didn't shed
a single tear.
You were too busy crying over
your shitty boyfriend, Greg.
- Greg was a good guy.
- Greg was an asshole!
I'm a good guy.
But you never wanted to date me.
I cared about you, Daisy.
-I cared about you, too.
As a friend.
Don't say that word.
What word?
Friend?
I don't want to just be friends.
I love you.
If I can't have you, no one can.
Come on!
♪♪
♪♪
Daisy!
You son of a bitch.
You killed your own sister,
my wife.
You. You're just a dream.
Dreams can't hurt you.
I'm not a dead boyfriend.
I'm a dead husband.
♪♪
Oh.
That's what I
was trying to tell you,
my dear Daisy.
You are both indestructible.
Two sides of the same coin.
One light, one dark.
Destined to continue
this nightmarish dance
as long as you remain
in opposition.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Tonight is the night Icome back.
Happy 4th of July, brother.
Oh?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Rad Chad loved you
all so dearly.
Nope.
But you were so grateful
and so disrespectful.
- Fuck this shit.
- Honey.
No. We have to figure out
who's doing this to us.
Well, don't butcher me.
I been across the pond.
Probably this creepy fuck.
What?
You work at the funeral parlor.
You got to be behind this.
-I'm not.
They just have good benefits.
I know who it is.
His name is Sam.
He was the only customer
keeping Chad's business afloat.
His ultimate dream was to work
at the video store himself.
But he wasn't, um...
right.
We all thought that he died
when he took an ax
to the stomach
and all of his intestines...
- Owie!
- Come on.
There's no way
anybody could survive that.
You can't kill pure evil.
♪♪
♪♪
How are you here?
Oh, I've been here
the entire time.
You just haven't looked
closely enough.
♪♪
He double-dipped a chip!
He's an animal.
So here you all are.
At my best friend's funeral.
But why?
None of you appreciated
the Horror Emporium.
- Huh?
- The what? What?
Rad Chad's Horror Emporium.
Never heard of it.
- No.
- His masterpiece?
His gift to this wretched world
that you all let go to waste.
It was a video store.
I kept telling him,
brick-and-mortar is dead.
Especially in this economy.
It's just a bunch
of dumb B-movies.
Silence!
Okay. This is the shit
that I'm talking about.
You never appreciated Chad,
and you don't appreciate horror.
Not you all.
Noooo!
You don't even know
your own privilege.
You're a straight white dude
who lives at home with his mom.
I am a disabled,
straight white dude
who lives at home with his
meemaw, thank you very much.
You're discriminating
against me.
She didn't discriminate
against you.
She just pointed out...
- Facts.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Just shut up! Just shut up!
Jesus.
It is time
to play a little game.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
No, I don't like this.
And once again, you failed
to take horror seriously.
You mocked. You laughed.
You called horror a B-movie.
Well, the real horror
is the 10,000 bees
that I just put inside of you.
Can you be like Daisy
and pull back the masks
that you hide behind
to reveal your true selves,
or will you be ravaged
from the insides
by a swarm of angry bees?
Time to get busy.
The choice is yours.
"X" marks the spot.
I mean, he didn't...
He couldn't have put
bees inside of us.
Well, we were
pretty mean to him.
You do catch more bees
with honey than with vinegar.
- It's not bees. It's flies.
- A bee just came out of you.
A bee just came out of your arm.
- Oh, there are bees!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God.
- The bees are real.
The bees are real!
-Okay, okay.
What do we know about bees?
What do we know about bees?
"Time to get busy."
Busy as a bee.
We... We have to keep moving.
I don't think
that's how this works.
Yeah. No, no, no, no.
If you stop dancing,
the bees start stinging.
So... Someone give me a beat.
Yes.
-What are you guys doing?
Come on, you need to focus.
Maybe we could sweep 'em out.
- What?
- You know, like a chimney sweep.
- That's still a thing?
- It's coming back in a big way.
Big chimney tried to push
us little guys out,
but chimneys are
recession-proof.
You should check out
my OnlyFans.
Boasts big chimneys.
The bees! I don't want to die!
Hey, guys, I think it's working.
I think it's working.
Take off our masks?
In the movie,
the mask was in the dresser.
"X" marks the spot.
Come get your goddamn keys.
That makes sense.
♪♪
♪♪
It's cinnamon.
-I use it in my garden.
It kills bees.
Oh.
Since I moved to the city,
I can't have a garden anymore.
It's relaxing.
I work for a nonprofit
that teaches
inner-city children
how to garden.
- Oh, that's nice. Ow!
- Okay. Fuck, no.
Have you guys not seen YouTube?
The Cinnamon Challenge?
That shit'll kill us.
You guys, I don't think
the dancing worked.
I think it just made them angry.
Ow!
One just stung my kidney.
We don't have a choice.
♪♪
♪♪
-We made a huge mistake.
We should've chosen the bees.
We should've chosen the bees!
♪♪
What are you doing?
It's too late for me.
- No, you still have time.
- I'm allergic to bees.
Hey, um, I'm...
I'm really sorry about
what I said about you earlier.
That really wasn't cool.
- It's okay.
I'm different.
But we're all different,
aren't we?
And that is what
makes us special.
That's so beautiful.
Oh, God.
And it's time for you all
to move on
and live your special lives.
- God dang.
- Again?
- God.
- Seriously?
Oh, God.
♪♪
♪♪
What the fuck are you
talking about, fungible?
What the fuck does
fungible mean?
Oh. I didn't see you there.
I was just reading
about Papa's big comeback.
Anywho, that last film
was a real doozy, wasn't it?
But now we have
a spooky treat from
across the pond.
It was an early
Rad Chad's Rad Recommendation.
So sit back
and hold on to your butts.
♪♪
His instructions said,
"We want mental openness."
I probably shouldn't
have done that.
The curious cat gets the cream.
Oh, I'm not sure
that's how that goes.
There he is.
What am I meant
to be looking at here?
- I see it, in the curtains.
- What the hell is that?
It's the "Three Men
and a Baby" ghost.
That's a cardboard cutout
of a kid.
Open your minds, guys.
This is why you've woken me up
at 5:00 a.m. today?
Apparently, the kid
of one of the crew was
messing around on set
and then...
He fell out of the window
and landed on some prop swords.
They tried to cover it up,
but that just made
the ghost kid angry.
Why were there swords
on the set of
"Three Men and a Baby"?
- Open your mind, Rachel.
- It's open. It's open.
My mum always says
if you open your mind too much,
you let the bats in.
Squawk!
Some people say that you can
see a shotgun in his hand
because he shot himself.
So a little kid committed
suicide on a film set?
- Yeah.
- Grim.
-And he's showing you the gun.
He's showing you how he did it.
Oh, I think they knew
how he did it based on there
being a gunshot wound
in his head.
So did he fall out of the
window or did he shoot himself?
It says here it's just
Ted Danson in a tuxedo
doing a dog-food commercial.
In a tuxedo?
You know, for fancy dogs.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Thanks for helping me pack
all my brother's stuff.
You know we wouldn't
let you do this alone.
Have you ever seen
"Three Men and a Baby"?
- No.
- Come on. It's Ted Danson.
Ted Danson.
You know Ted Danson, right?
- Who the fuck is Ted Danson?
Well, I guess the song is wrong.
Everybody doesn'tknow his name.
Why did your brother live in
a lighthouse again?
Everyone always used to tell him
that his head was in the clouds,
so I guess this was his way
of living up to the expectation.
- I see what you did there.
- Cheers.
Oh.
♪♪
♪♪
Zoe, can I have this?
Are you okay?
Are you sure you want to
stay here tonight?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm just puzzled
why he wanted me to have this.
Is that the one thing he said
he wanted you to have?
Kind of.
It's more like he wanted me
to take care of it
but not watch it.
My brother was into some
really weird shit.
Whoo!
I found the remote.
♪♪
Oh, that's better.
Oh, my God. It's scarier
when it's ginormous.
Is it just me or does he have
tentacles for arms?
It's you.
I think that's just
a shadow, Zoe.
I mean, we just want to see
what we want to see.
- No, look closer.
- Yeah. It's not tentacles.
It looks more like blades
for arms.
But why would a boy
who either fell out of a window
or shot himself come back
a super-sword man?
What?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
What?
I'm sleeping with you tonight,
Rachel.
I'll wear my best
pajamas for you.
Do you want to go?
♪♪
♪♪
These are your best pajamas?
I hope you brought earplugs
'cause I snore like a kaiju.
♪♪
Why did you want me to see this?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Aah!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
It was sword man.
♪♪
Huh?
♪♪
♪♪
What the fuck?!
Come on. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Come on.
♪♪
- Not again?
- No!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
-Shit. God damn it.
Fucking Jesus.
Sorry, guys.
That got away from me there.
That was... That was
unprofessional.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
I don't like this.
Okay, so he's
the mean, sinister type.
Now let's play a game.
Gonna name your dog Chalupa?
Other aerosols suck.
Every night is movie night.
♪♪
They're tropes.
So here's your apple martini
and your trope,
Mr. Horror Dude.
Welcome to prime time, bitch.
♪♪
It's time.
Your journey has reached
a new threshold.
And now...
Excuse me.
Okay.
As I was saying...
So, I'm off the clock?
Okay, could we just have,
like, a modicum
of professionalism here?
Okay? I mean, what kind of ship
do you think we're running?
-Hey. No, that's on me.
I get you. Let's get back to it.
Jesus.
Unbelievable.
Okay, as I was saying
before I...
As I was saying before I was
so rudely interrupted,
it is now time for one of you
to walk the path
less walk-ed.
Not walked a lot or whatever.
One of you will take this camera
and venture
into the depths of horror
not yet known and not yet found,
although the footage
will be found at a later time.
Okay. This is really...
I'm fucking this up.
And it's because
that little fucking freak
threw me off of my game,
and the TV
is kind of tugging
on my neck a little bit.
So let's just get
this over with, okay?
Go into the darkness and find
the key to release your friends.
If you succeed,
they will be spared.
If you fail,
their skin will be ripped
from their bodies.
Oh, and whatever you do,
don't stop filming.
Now, who among you is willing
to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Choose wisely.
I mean, how do we choose?
- We could Rochambeau.
- Excuse me.
Bo's dead.
- I'll do it.
- Like hell you will.
Hey, maybe we should do
rock, paper, scissors.
Hey, I think
you're a fucking idiot.
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.
Catch a tiger by its toe.
If he hollers, make him pay
$50 every day.
And you are...
it.
No.
- Okay, here I am.
- No, no, no.
You can't do that, Mom.
I've dealt with puny men
like him before.
But look, if something happens,
I want you to know
I'm fully supportive of...
- Wait, really?
- Love is love, baby.
- Oh, God.
- Watch it, mad man.
And now you all lose
because you're all losers.
Every single one of you.
- It's go time, bitch.
- Good.
That's real good.
♪♪
Now let the suffering begin.
Ooh! Watch that shit.
Watch it.
- Come on, Mom. Come on.
Oh!
Oh, God.
Aah! Shit!
Oh.
Am I the only one that's
getting hit with these things?
Must suck, man.
Ow! God!
Hey, I found a key.
What the fuck is that?
Ah! This is the greatest
day of my life.
What the fuck is up, Sam?
My nipple? Really? My nipple?
Oh! My penis.
Oh, God!
You have played valiantly,
but now it must come to an end.
I have such sights to show you.
♪♪
Why?!
Oh, the humanity!
Is it good?
What's happening?
Hey, everybody.
All joking aside, if you are
uncomfortable right now
and you've had enough suffering,
let me know and we'll go ahead
and find a way
for you to leave early.
Oh, God, yes. Please stop.
Gross.
It's never gonna fucking stop.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
I will tear your soul apart.
Mom!
-Oh, you're alive.
Very impressive.
But ultimately,
it doesn't matter
because you didn't get the key.
Sorry. You lose.
♪♪
Jesus wept.
♪♪
Okay. It's time for me
to finally skedaddle.
I'll see you
in the third one, okay?
-Oh, great.
The chains are gone. Thanks.
That's the really...
That was the really
uncomfortable part for me.
♪♪
No!
- No!
- Oh, God!
♪♪
-You asshole.
She won fair and square.
- You're the square.
- Fuck you.
-Pfft, whatever.
I don't make the rules.
-What are you talking about?
This is your game!
Okay, but she fucking
called me a bitch!
Hey, and you know what?
By the way,
while I'm thinking of it.
Fuck you and fuck you
and fuck you.
And you know what?
You're a fucking stupid face.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm having way too much fun.
Y'all look so stupid right now.
Every single one of you
are gonna fucking die
because you're all losers,
every single one of you.
I look really cool right now
and bad-ass,
and y'all look really
helpless and stupid.
♪♪
♪♪
You got to keep the mood
in here alive.
Oh, Chad.
You are gonna flip your shit.
Nobody knows movies like I do.
You're making a huge mistake.
-People don't like you.
I mean, look at your face.
I just want to punch you.
- Chad.
I'm always here,
and I will always be here,
until you give me the job
that was rightfully mine.
♪♪
Oh. Huh.
All right.
Congrats on making it
this far in the game.
And to think you guys
did it all as a team.
You are truly doing
the Lord's work.
I would know.
I was just speaking with him
a few minutes ago.
Speaking of being dead,
you're about to watch a banger.
It's about all the things
that happen
when you mess with dead people.
Toodle-ooh.
♪♪
This is not the first time
Jason died.
It was the summer of 1993.
Hottest summer on record.
We were 12 going on 13,
the last year
before we became teenagers.
Thick as thieves,
they called us.
The only thing stolen
that summer was my heart.
Come on, guys.
I got to get back soon
or my mum's gonna kill me.
He's not wrong. Jason's mum
was something sinister.
She's the original Karen.
If she were a horror movie,
she'd be "Karen: Origins."
Sometimes I think we all
harken back to the days of...
Holy shit! A dead body!
♪♪
Holy shit. A gun.
- Was that his?
- What?
Shit, no. This is my dad's.
He brought it back
from Desert Storm.
Shot Saddam in the face with it.
Now he's got one of his
lookalikes pretending to be him.
Uh, thank you, Ellie's dad,
for his service, I think.
And... And why have you got it?
Because it's cool.
Guys, I have an idea.
♪♪
- How do we know this even works?
- Well, it worked on telly.
He looks like
he's seen better days.
He has. But life finds a way.
Yeah. Are we sure this is,
like, a good idea or...
Was climbing Mount Everest
a bad idea, Jason?
For some people?
Look, when are we ever gonna
find another real-life dead guy?
In a couple hours if Jason's
not home for dinner.
Jason will be fine. Let's bring
this dude back to life.
Yeah.
How long is it supposed to take?
- Everything okay down there?
- Yeah!
Does anybody want a drink?
We've got OJ, soda,
purple stuff, Sunny Delight.
-Ooh. Ooh. I love SunnyD.
It's got solar energy.
-No, thanks, Stat's mum.
We're fine.
Okay, then. You kids have fun.
I'll just be shutting
the door now
and soundproofing it
for no reason.
♪♪
♪♪
Ugh.
Okay, maybe this time,
we don't shoot him
in the face right away.
Sorry. I'm not a trained killer
like my dad.
I want to go home.
It's gonna be okay, mate.
I promise we'll get you there
real soon.
Holy shit.
-Uh, hello, mate.
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
I'm Cooper.
Can you say that? Cooper?
Stop murdering me.
♪♪
♪♪
That's my girlfriend,
you dead prick.
Labels.
Time to die.
Again.
No.
Time to die.
Motherfucker!
- Hey, now. Language.
- Huh?
I tell you, I open the
soundproof door for 5 seconds
to offer you snacks,
and I hear you swearing.
You don't talk to people
that way, do you?
- No, Stat's mum.
- Excuse me.
No, Stat's mum.
-Now, that's more like it.
Hey, Jason.
Your mom called, hon.
Dinner will be ready at seven.
Best not to be late.
And who shoes are these?
You better not be trying
to reanimate
a homeless man's corpse again.
- Of course not, Mum.
- Don't make me come down there.
♪♪
That's for Jason.
♪♪
Holy shit. A sword.
-Right?
Some weird shit down here.
Are we sure this is a good idea?
Oh, yeah, 100%.
Then you should shoot him
in the face right away again.
Are you seriously gonna
make me apologize
for murdering you
when you were already dead?
Oh, right.
Hey, at least his
speech is getting better.
You're the one who wants
to do this to Jason.
I mean, it turned this guy
into a complete A-hole.
No. Shooting me in the face
turned me into an A-hole.
Also, I was always an A-hole.
I'm more worried about
Jason's mum being an A-hole
if he's not home by seven.
True, but, like...
-We'll get him a scarf.
She won't even notice.
But I'llnotice.
And what does that even mean?
Are you doing one-liners?
I'm playing on the notion
that my idea of fashion
is more important than his
parents finding out
that we killed him.
You know, for a dead bloke
with a hole in his neck,
you never shut up.
- Guys, we got to get going.
-Come on, Jason.
We need to you back, mate.
So, turns out 12 year olds
aren't very good at this whole
reanimating-a-corpse science.
After multiple attempts,
we quickly learned that we
probably just made things worse.
♪♪
-What do we do now?
It's almost seven.
Tabby has a calming effect
on him, at least.
We're gonna need a bigger scarf.
It's a transporter!
♪♪
Whatever you put in here
comes out reassembled
on the other side.
- That will never work.
- Shut up!
All right!
♪♪
This better work.
♪♪
Is it supposed to make that...
Guys, where's Tabby?
Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection
against the wickedness
and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him.
We humbly pray.
Amen.
Amen.
Nice of you to join us, Jason.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
We're so dead.
It took some time to adjust,
but with eight lives left,
Jason would go on to live
a full, if unconventional, life.
That sweltering summer day
in 1993
quickly became one
I'll never forget.
And although I hadn't seen
Whiskers in more than 10 years,
I know I'll miss him forever.
I never had any friends
like the ones I had
when I was 12.
Shit, does anyone?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Fuck. Jesus.
This thing is so fucking hot.
You have no idea.
- This fucking guy.
You guys think you have it bad?
Try getting in
this fucking thing.
I'm talking 100 degrees of
indoor not A/C.
Hell, you'll thank me.
And besides, you already knew
it was me the whole time, right?
So anyways, the game and shit.
Yes. You all have bombs
attached to your necks.
You have to figure out which
four movies inspired
what you just watched
within 90 seconds
or your fucking heads
will explode.
Cool? Cool.
Activated.
What... What did he mean,
inspired by movies?
Uh, "Stand By Me."
- All right.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, um, it's inspired
by "Stand by Me."
There's kids and a dead body
and... and narration.
- Oh.
- So "Stand By Me"...
- The movie.
- Is probably one of them.
- Yeah. That's okay.
- Sorry.
-There was another one.
The... "The Thing." "The Thing."
'Cause they're doing
the experiments in the lab
and they bring back
to life a cat or a dog.
- I don't think that's it.
- No, no, that's not it.
It's not... It's not
"The thing."
They were riffing
on "Pet Sematary."
How could you not see that?
Okay, we don't need
gatekeeping here.
We know what we know,
and we love what we love.
No one's an expert.
- We don't have time for this.
What the fuck now, Sam?
This is so much better.
And to be totally honest
with y'all,
I'm getting kind of bored,
and I really fucking hate you.
So I can't wait
to see you all dead.
Why don't you roll
on out here, then?
Oh, classic Jessie,
always trying to be the hero.
I have a better idea.
Considering we're getting all up
into this third act shit,
I think it's time for
a good old-fashioned callback.
♪♪
♪♪
Come on!
♪♪
Are you okay?
Shit.
♪♪
♪♪
-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Dwight. Go long.
Oh.
♪♪
Hey, Damon.
You don't want them.
I'm the one who burned you,
remember?
Now, what do I do with this?
"Be kind, rewind."
♪♪
♪♪
Accepted.
Hey, it worked!
Find the other movies,
rewind them,
and then get out that door.
Oh, you mean
this door right here?
I don't think so.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
-What was that movie?
It was the...
He... He's, like,
running tests on a fly.
What's the guy
that's in "Jurassic Park"?
Jeff, uh... Jeff Daniels.
- Then he, like,
tries to... to splice himself
with a... with a fly.
♪♪
"Pet Sematary."
Aah! Fuck. Kimmie!
♪♪
What the fuck was that called?
Accepted.
♪♪
Holy shit.
♪♪
"The Fly"!
♪♪
♪♪
- Oh, hey.
- Shh!
No, no, it's... we're fine.
Look, this is like
an incredible spot I found.
He never comes over here.
- Oh!
- Oh!
God. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Whoa.
"The Fly." Yes.
Good. Good. Good. Good.
Oh, God.
Okay, um...
What else? So, what other movie?
I don't know!
Hey, but there was a talking
head. We need to find it.
- "American Beauty."
- I don't think that's it.
There were experiments
and there was a cat.
- Kevin Spacey has ruined it!
- And there was green goo.
Oh, God.
That door over there
is wide open.
I can't leave her.
I'm fully in the belief
that Jessie can save all of us.
I mean, have you seen the shit
she was doing over there?
-Just stop. Stop.
It's over. It's over.
It's over. It's pointless.
He destroyed the rewinder.
- It's never over.
- Destroyed the fucking rewinder!
♪♪
Stay here for one second, okay?
♪♪
I'll take a peek out and just...
- Um, is that a good idea?
- Yeah, he's right there.
Yeah, he's right there.
I'm not gonna do that.
He's literally right there.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, hey.
I got it. Rewinding.
What, what, what?
-We're running out of time.
We're running out of time.
I really think that clock
is kind of off. So just...
- Hey.
- No, no, no.
- You can't die.
- I'm gonna find the other one.
-I'm not gonna die.
Press the button.
It's your movie.
You can't die.
Accepted.
♪♪
♪♪
Hey, ugly-ass killer guy!
Call him Damon!
Damon! Stupid Damon!
Mention Jimmy!
-Jimmy? I hate Jimmy.
He's a stupid fucking kid.
♪♪
It was "Re-Animator."
Not accepted.
I'm sorry. Goodbye.
Noooo!
- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I'm okay.
So, that explosion,
does that mean...
Rick is, like...?
- Yeah.
- Damn.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
- Oh.
- Oh, thank God.
Shit.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
- I can't get it.
- Fuck.
Here. Hold on, hold on.
Okay.
Ready?
Holy shit.
There really was a key
in my shoe.
♪♪
Hello, Jessie.
You've proven difficult
to kill once again.
You may be the final girl,
but this is your final act.
I chose you.
I chose all of you.
None of you
took horror seriously.
-Space is science fiction.
Horror is, you know...
It was always just
a joke to you.
The "Friday the 13th" one
with Corey Feldman.
- "The Lost Boys" dude?
- No, that's Corey Haim.
Hey, Damon,
don't you remember me?
So ungrateful.
- I don't get it.
- Baby, I don't...
So unworthy.
Oh, wait.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hello, Jesse.
You disrespected my mentor,
and you disrespected horror.
You and Sam were only patsies.
He meant nothing to me.
But in the process,
I found myself a father,
a leader, a teacher.
Do you know what's going on?
I found the answers
I had been longing for.
My troubled life
finally had purpose
with the one man
who understood me
and the rules of horror.
-Kimmie, I don't understand.
We've been together since...
How'd you like to play a game?
You all have been
specially chosen to take part
in this fully
immersive experience
like none other before.
It's the ultimate
Rad Chad Recommendation!
From beyond.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
What the fuck?
♪♪
Horror was my life.
And ultimately my death.
I put all my brother's murder
settlement money into my dream.
My emporium.
But no matter what I tried,
y'all didn't show up.
I can't make ends meet.
So I'm gonna make meat
of your ends.
Oh, you... you're gonna eat us?
What? No, that's gross.
I had this one thing in college
when I got really drunk.
I'm not allowed around goats.
Still owe my grandmother $300.
Anywho...
I had my targets.
Now I needed my missile.
- It's the Devil's Lake Impaler.
- Who?
And with a little help
from a little friend,
I had my killing machine
and my targets.
What the hell is going on here?
I saw you die.
Did you?
I had formed the partnership
that would define my life.
You're not gonna want
to follow him.
I'm really surprised
you lasted this long.
Self-destruct sequence
activated.
We have to go.
No. Youhave to go.
And now it's time
to fulfill my legacy.
And it is I who will
take over his legacy
once he is dead and gone...
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. Time out. Rewind.
I'm, like, 36 years old.
I got a long time to live.
- Well...
And I work out a lot.
I do Kegels.
- 36?
- No.
Right around there.
This isn't even possible.
I don't understand
what's going on.
You didn't respect horror.
But now...
oh, you will.
♪♪
What does that mean?
-This doesn't make any sense.
Kimmie, what is going on?
- So they're working together?
- What is happening?
- Game over.
- Kimmie!
I choose the bees!
There's my boys!
Ready to get your kill on, Dio?
- Yeah!
You know, Han,
I never did give you shit
about how hard you hit me
with that rewinder.
-You never know who's watching.
You've got to sell it.
- Oh, I missed you!
- I missed you.
Pop couldn't make it?
No, but he's awaiting your call.
Let's go.
♪ They're dying to shake you
♪ Trying their best
to break you ♪
♪ And though the going
is rough ♪
♪ You're going home as a hero
♪ 'Cause there's thunder
in your heart ♪
♪ Every move is like lightning
♪ There's the power you feel
♪ When you get your taste
of the glory ♪
♪ There's a fire gonna start
♪ And you know they're
going under ♪
♪ You can light the dark
♪ When they hear your heart
of thunder ♪
♪♪
Have the lambs
stopped screaming, Papa?
Have the lambs
stopped screaming?
Papa. I seriously need to know.
I'm having friends for dinner.
We may need extras.
Papa?
Papa?
Papaaaa!
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪♪
♪ You've got a friend in me
♪♪
♪ When times get tough,
you'll see ♪
♪ We've been together
for so long ♪
♪ When I'm weak,
you make me strong ♪
♪ I know I can depend on you
♪ To show the way
and see me through ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪♪
♪ We'll make our dreams
come true ♪
♪♪
♪ There's nothing we can't do
♪ We've been together
for so long ♪
♪ When I'm weak,
you make me strong ♪
♪ I know I can depend on you
♪ To show the way
and see me through ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ I know I can depend on you
♪ To show the way
and see me through ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
-Hey, guys.
I think we lost Bert.
Yeah, Bert and I
are melded together.
He's my bottom.
Guys?
I'm really, really lonely
in here.
Aaaaaaa!
♪♪
Well, then who the hell are you?
Well, I'm obviously
the know-it-all horror guy.
Security breach.
- No.
- Security breach.
You're not gonna
want to follow him.
Why?
I'm really surprised
she lasted this long.
I cannot stress this enough.
Stay out.
- I wasn't even there.
- Alarm.
- Run.
Don't mess with the bull, man.
Or you'll get the horns.
Why would someone
give us a sequel?
What is important here is that
we are in a horror movie!
You okay?
Thank you. Not here, though.
She's not here.
I know.
What is it?
Just looks like he's
staring at me.
-Oh, look at that picture.
It really captures his eyes.
-Wait.
This is the video-store guy?
Yeah. There's, like,
not anybody here.
-What's up, Henry?
You piece of shit.
Holy shit, it's Good Guy.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Step away from Mr. Johnson.
-It's okay.
Give the kiddies what they want.
That's the good guy.
-Come on, swoop it.
Big swoop on the "K."
Thank you.
Sweet. I got an autograph
from Good Guy's bodyguard.
- Chad... he has a twin?
- I've seen him before.
Why are we at
the video-store guy's funeral?
- Mother.
- Ms. Kapowski.
Darling! Oh!
Do you know if there's
food here or not?
I believe there are
hors d'oeuvres, sir.
What the fuck's
an hors d'oeuvres?
♪♪
♪♪
Friends.
Family.
Countrymen.
Welcome!
First off, I'd like to give
a gigantic thank you to Adele,
who just sang
that beautiful song.
I'm just so glad
you could be here today.
And to my friends and family,
who all made that happen.
We're all rolling
in the deep together.
It means so much to me
that you're here today.
But it also means I've met
my tragic, yet likely heroic,
but clearly untimely demise.
Being beaten to death
against a tree
while in my sleeping bag...
killed by a robot sent back
in time to stop the revolution.
Leaving the oven on.
Trapped under a vending machine.
An ornate puzzle box.
Great white sharks.
Choking on a chicken bone.
Being separated
from my conjoined twin.
Electrocution. A broken heart.
Buried alive.
A hole punch through my face
by the Devil's Lake Impaler.
Yeah, that's it.
And now a hole in me
is a hole in all of you.
And I know how hard this is.
But you must keep on.
You must live your lives.
You must persevere-ay.
You must stay rad, my friends.
♪♪
Time to go, I guess.
Let's get out of here.
♪♪
♪♪
What the fuck is happening?
Where's the door?!
-Pick him up.
Don't you dare drop him.
Bert, stay close to me!
Stay close to me!
It's locked.
Where are his glasses?
He can't see without
his glasses!
♪♪
Hey!
Hey!
We're in here.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Mom?
Are you okay?
- Are youokay?
♪♪
How would you
like to play a game?
I mean,
how'd you like to play a game?
I used to play games all the
time by myself as a kid.
This one's awesome.
You all have been
specially chosen to take part
in this fully
immersive experience
like none other before.
It's the ultimate
Rad Chad recommendation!
From beyond.
But pay close attention.
It may just save your life.
I got you, K-Bear.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
What's that?
It's probably just
one of the Sure to Die girls
making out
in the bushes again, Nancy.
♪♪
Hey, Tony.
Got the wrong house again,
buddy.
Yeah, the New Year's Eve party
is next door,
and the Sure to Die girls
are all ready for you.
I'm sure.
If you're gonna
borrow our knives,
please sharpen
before you return.
♪♪
Is she okay?
Well, yeah.
Laurie?
Laurie, honey, you can get up.
There was some kind of mistake.
Oh, I don't think
that's a good idea, Ginny.
Yeah, that was a bad idea.
- Guys, I think she's dead.
- She can't be dead.
She was just studying, having
no fun, doing everything right.
Tony?
Sally, it might not be safe.
See? We are the final girls.
Just look at
our androgynous faces,
khaki pants,
and button-up shirts.
Killers take us for granted.
They don't kill us.
♪♪
Oh, hey, girls.
We're all partying
super hard next door,
and we just can't seem
to find our beer bongs.
Do you happen to have any?
Uh, yeah.
I think we have some
in storage in the basement.
What is a beer bong?
You know, the Sure to Die girls
thought it'd be pointless
to ask, but, hey,
it's almost the '90s.
Maybe you guys have changed.
Guys, I think we've
switched places
with the Sure to Die girls.
That's crazy.
They're sure to die.
What's next?
Is a boy gonna be
the last one standing?
Good one.
We're no longer being rewarded
for being the outsiders.
For being smarter
than everyone in the room.
For being a bad-ass.
For avoiding sex till marriage.
Okay, maybe not till marriage,
but I keep all my clothes on
during sleepovers
and late-night parties.
That's just common sense.
- Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
♪♪
♪♪
Where'd he go?
He's gonna kill us all.
We need to do something.
Um, I can throw on
that ugly sweater
I've been knitting and be
his mommy and shame him.
"Bad Tony.
Bad Tony, killer guy."
I can stay awake for days.
I can go into hyper-sleep
until it all goes away.
-Hey, you're the bad-ass.
Get it together.
Nothing makes sense anymore!
♪♪
Hey.
So, I didn't find
any beer bongs,
but I did find this cool thing.
That's a turkey baster.
-Ellen. "It's a turkey baster."
Are you mad at me?
Oh, you should try this.
This is something different.
Okay. We have a plan.
So, Tony is only
killing final girls.
But what if we use her to
distract him while we get away?
-Look at her.
Her knees are showing.
We'll make her one of us.
♪♪
- She still looks hot.
- So hot.
Oh, yeah.
That totally makes a difference.
Okay, so, we're just gonna
leave you down here alone
to, uh, do laundry
on New Year's Eve.
No problem.
Nothing is happening.
Where is he?
- I have an idea.
- Of course you do.
It is almost midnight.
And since the old rules
don't apply anymore, what if we,
I don't know...
party like we've never
partied before.
That's a good idea.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
You're so pretty.
♪♪
Oh! Ow.
This is fun.
We're trapped.
Hello, ladies.
Laundry's done.
Although I think I shrunk
that hideous wool skirt.
Not that Laurie
needs it anymore. She's dead.
Uh, you're welcome.
While you were finally
discovering the joys
of personal pleasure,
I saved you from that guy.
Oh, crap.
- We didn't need your help.
We've been doing fine
the past two decades,
surviving, while girls
like you died tragically,
walking alone in the woods,
having sex after
a friend got murdered,
partaking in a midnight snack
in the dark.
Alone?
Just kidding.
You guys are right.
You don't need my help.
Found the beer bong, Buffy.
I did not mean to do that.
Leave us alone, you bitch.
You had a gun this whole time?
Look, I get it.
You all survived because your
resilience and virginal vaginas
gave you the power to fight
against the great male gaze.
And it allowed you to be
that unlikely savior
of your community.
You proved their sexist theory
that being a good girl
meant you were good enough
to survive.
Catholic guilt, anybody?
But also, let's be honest,
I mean, letting a lady survive
allowed men to spend
the entire movie sexualizing
and brutally murdering
every other woman in a film.
Women like me.
Who had sex.
A lot of sex.
And maybe didn't love studying.
Yeah.
We had no chance.
We were lucky
if they gave us pants.
No, no, please. I'm...
I'm very okay wearing this.
One, because
it's a cheerleading outfit,
and cheerleading is a sport.
And two, it is very practical
for kicking ass.
But more importantly,
it does not indicate
that I deserve to die.
Isn't it time we all
come together
and let women be women?
Look at that gun.
How are you even holding that?
- It's really heavy.
- Yeah.
Happy New Year!
♪♪
Welcome to the '90s,
motherfucker.
That was pretty good.
Horror fans are "so sick."
That's what you say to us.
And, well, maybe you're right.
Maybe weare sick.
Sick of the pretension.
Sick of the world
looking down on us
because we don't dare turn away
from the violent,
the sinister, the macabre.
Oh, yes. We are sick.
Sick of you judging us.
And now a sickness
lies within you, as well.
There's a poison
coursing through your veins,
giving you mere minutes to put
what you learned from the film
to the ultimate test.
It will do a number on you.
Live or die. Make your choice.
I-I choose live.
- Yeah.
- If it's a choice, right?
Yeah, d-def... We choose live.
-We got Bert, guys.
We're gonna...
I think we'll be okay.
- Wait, this is a prank.
You all knew Chad.
He wasn't smart enough
to do any of this.
Oi, when it comes to brains,
Chad is the dog's bollocks.
M-Maybe it's like an
escape room or something.
I did one of those once
on vacation.
It's an escape room.
How fun. I love escape rooms.
The key is we have to work
together as a team.
I'll be project manager.
I think we should split up
into small groups
and each take a section
of the room.
That way, we can
cover more ground.
Uh, I did one of these once,
and the key was hidden
in my shoe.
Oi!
I mean, maybe there's
a trap door or something.
-Oh, great thinking.
Okay, let's split up.
You come with me.
You're a key fixture here, okay?
Don't let anyone
tell you otherwi...
Oh.
Oh, my God. Are you...
Are you okay?
Oh, my God. Are youokay?
Aah! Aah! My arm!
- Holy shit.
- You barfed my arm off!
Aaaah!
I think this might be real.
It's just those damn enchiladas.
Oh, I got to take a Brad Pitt.
What?
♪♪
♪♪
What are you doing?
I'll never let
anything happen to you.
I love you.
Is this real?
You bet, baby.
Oh.
Holy shit.
Oh, no.
Nooooooo!
Aaaaah!
Oh, no, Bert. No, no, no.
This doesn't look good
for you, man.
- I'll make it.
- You... Are you sure?
It's, like, really bad.
It looks bad.
- You'll be okay, too.
- How can you say that?
You're the one
that makes me okay.
You're the one that makes me
okay, Bert. You're my rock.
Kameron!
Look at me!
You always had it in you.
You can do this.
I believe in you.
Really?
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everyone remain calm.
We just need to...
This really hurts.
What are the odds?
- Oh!
- Oh, oh.
Guess they're finally
together now.
Bert, this is your fault,
in a way. I hold you acc...
Oh, what's that?
-Holy shit.
It's a beer-pong table.
♪♪
♪♪
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
It's about the numbers.
- The Benjamins.
- What?
No, the... the creepy hooded guy
in the video said
that the poison
would do a numberon us.
There are numbers
on the sides of the cups.
Okay, so we take the antidote,
we put it in the cups,
and we drink it.
In the correct cup
and you're fine,
but in the wrong cup...
Probably something like that.
- Okay.
Oi.
So just grab the balls, walk
them over, put them in the cups.
Force field is at full strength.
No good. That's bad.
What are you doing?
Chad an I used to be quite the
beer-pong team back in college.
But I need a little
liquid courage.
What number?
- Uh...
12.
♪♪
♪ I'm taking a chance
♪ Risking it all
♪ For the thrill of a moment
♪ I'm taking a stand
♪ You ain't gonna fall
♪ And you've always known it
♪ They're dying to shake you
♪ Trying their best
to break you ♪
♪ And though the going's rough
♪ You're going home as a hero
♪ 'Cause there's thunder
in your heart ♪
♪ Every move is like lightning
♪ There's the power you feel
♪ When you get your taste
of glory ♪
♪ There's a fire gonna start
♪ And you know they're
going under ♪
♪ You can light the dark
♪ When they hear your heart
of thunder ♪
Still got I!
Try my hand.
Well, here's to swimming
with bow-legged women.
Am I right?
- Doesn't hold up.
Oh, right?
-Um, here. That's you.
And this one's for you.
Well, here is to...
-No, no, I can just drink.
Let's just drink it.
Oh.
♪♪
Are you some kind
of a math whiz?
No, no, I was...
Was Chad's accountant.
But I left to go pursue my
dreams of working with children.
Guess that's...
It's all over now.
Oh, don't say that.
Were you a teacher?
- Third-base coach.
Kids will never know
when to go home now.
Well, you really
took charge back there.
I like a man of action.
You can get to third base
with me anytime.
Oh! Oi.
Oh, uh, sorry.
- Guys?
- Oh, shit.
♪ Everybody dies in the end
♪ Everybody dies in the end
♪♪
♪♪
Wasn't that fun?
My favorite is Alex's twist
on that final-girl trope.
And now on to our next
final girl, Miss Daisy.
She's got a killer
that can't stop, won't stop
driving her mad.
Get it?
"Driving Miss Daisy."
- Oh, great. Another movie.
- You'll get there.
But this is one of my all-time
favorite sequels.
And sequels are the lifeblood
of the horror genre.
Wink.
So pay close attention
or you might just meet
the same demise
as Miss Daisy yourself.
Mm?
Daisy? I know Daisy.
I was gonna break up with her.
I swear.
Please. No. Oh, God.
Oh.
Oh, please. Don't stab me.
Oh. Not the hand.
Not the hand.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Who is he?
He is evil incarnate,
conceived in Hell's womb.
Born without a soul, nourished
by the teat of the Devil.
Spanked by Satan himself.
He is the vessel of death.
My dear Daisy,
he is your...
♪♪
- Another nightmare?
- Stop the car.
We're almost to
my sister's place.
I said stop
the fucking car, Scott.
Your nightmares always
resurface around the 4th.
You know that.
This was different.
They're getting more, uh,
intense, more real.
I have to...
I have to go back to the cabin.
In case he comes back.
- Daisy.
It's been over 20 years.
Baby, he's not coming back.
He always comes back.
♪♪
Fine.
♪♪
But I'm coming with you.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
We're here.
♪♪
♪♪
Wait.
Be right back.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Daisy.
My dear Daisy,
I knew you'd come.
♪♪
Dr. Castle.
You're alive.
Do you...
know this guy?
Daisy. Thank God you're here.
I must reveal to you,
finally, the terrible truth.
He is your...
Brother. I know.
Oh. Oh, you do.
Dr. Castle.
How did you know
I would come here tonight?
This cabin and the 4th of July
are deeply interwoven
into the blood-soaked fabric...
Into the blood-soaked
fabric of the tragic tale
on which you
and your brother is written.
Not only did you come here
as children,
but it is the cursed sight
of the very first night
he came back to enact
his revenge on you.
I remember that fateful day
of Independence
as if it happened
in the fog of a bad dream.
Fireworks going off
across the lake.
Finding your friends' corpses.
Hearing your screams.
Shooting him dozens of times
at point-blank range
only for the bastard
to rise up out of the ashes
and give me this.
Daisy, I came back here for the
same reason that you did.
The inevitability
of Evil's return.
Karma's killer.
Fate's fiend.
Your brother coming back
one last time.
Who the fuck is this guy?
After the last time
I killed him,
I buried what
was left out there.
I thought that was
the end of it.
The final kill.
The start of a new beginning.
Daisy, I'm afraid there's one
more thing I must tell you.
The bond between you
and your brother goes much
deeper than merely the blood
that you share.
I don't like
where this is going.
Daisy, you are...
♪♪
Oh!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Will?
I love you, Daisy.
Daisy, shoot him.
Craaazy night.
- But I watched you die.
- Yeah.
And you didn't shed
a single tear.
You were too busy crying over
your shitty boyfriend, Greg.
- Greg was a good guy.
- Greg was an asshole!
I'm a good guy.
But you never wanted to date me.
I cared about you, Daisy.
-I cared about you, too.
As a friend.
Don't say that word.
What word?
Friend?
I don't want to just be friends.
I love you.
If I can't have you, no one can.
Come on!
♪♪
♪♪
Daisy!
You son of a bitch.
You killed your own sister,
my wife.
You. You're just a dream.
Dreams can't hurt you.
I'm not a dead boyfriend.
I'm a dead husband.
♪♪
Oh.
That's what I
was trying to tell you,
my dear Daisy.
You are both indestructible.
Two sides of the same coin.
One light, one dark.
Destined to continue
this nightmarish dance
as long as you remain
in opposition.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Tonight is the night Icome back.
Happy 4th of July, brother.
Oh?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Rad Chad loved you
all so dearly.
Nope.
But you were so grateful
and so disrespectful.
- Fuck this shit.
- Honey.
No. We have to figure out
who's doing this to us.
Well, don't butcher me.
I been across the pond.
Probably this creepy fuck.
What?
You work at the funeral parlor.
You got to be behind this.
-I'm not.
They just have good benefits.
I know who it is.
His name is Sam.
He was the only customer
keeping Chad's business afloat.
His ultimate dream was to work
at the video store himself.
But he wasn't, um...
right.
We all thought that he died
when he took an ax
to the stomach
and all of his intestines...
- Owie!
- Come on.
There's no way
anybody could survive that.
You can't kill pure evil.
♪♪
♪♪
How are you here?
Oh, I've been here
the entire time.
You just haven't looked
closely enough.
♪♪
He double-dipped a chip!
He's an animal.
So here you all are.
At my best friend's funeral.
But why?
None of you appreciated
the Horror Emporium.
- Huh?
- The what? What?
Rad Chad's Horror Emporium.
Never heard of it.
- No.
- His masterpiece?
His gift to this wretched world
that you all let go to waste.
It was a video store.
I kept telling him,
brick-and-mortar is dead.
Especially in this economy.
It's just a bunch
of dumb B-movies.
Silence!
Okay. This is the shit
that I'm talking about.
You never appreciated Chad,
and you don't appreciate horror.
Not you all.
Noooo!
You don't even know
your own privilege.
You're a straight white dude
who lives at home with his mom.
I am a disabled,
straight white dude
who lives at home with his
meemaw, thank you very much.
You're discriminating
against me.
She didn't discriminate
against you.
She just pointed out...
- Facts.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Just shut up! Just shut up!
Jesus.
It is time
to play a little game.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
No, I don't like this.
And once again, you failed
to take horror seriously.
You mocked. You laughed.
You called horror a B-movie.
Well, the real horror
is the 10,000 bees
that I just put inside of you.
Can you be like Daisy
and pull back the masks
that you hide behind
to reveal your true selves,
or will you be ravaged
from the insides
by a swarm of angry bees?
Time to get busy.
The choice is yours.
"X" marks the spot.
I mean, he didn't...
He couldn't have put
bees inside of us.
Well, we were
pretty mean to him.
You do catch more bees
with honey than with vinegar.
- It's not bees. It's flies.
- A bee just came out of you.
A bee just came out of your arm.
- Oh, there are bees!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God.
- The bees are real.
The bees are real!
-Okay, okay.
What do we know about bees?
What do we know about bees?
"Time to get busy."
Busy as a bee.
We... We have to keep moving.
I don't think
that's how this works.
Yeah. No, no, no, no.
If you stop dancing,
the bees start stinging.
So... Someone give me a beat.
Yes.
-What are you guys doing?
Come on, you need to focus.
Maybe we could sweep 'em out.
- What?
- You know, like a chimney sweep.
- That's still a thing?
- It's coming back in a big way.
Big chimney tried to push
us little guys out,
but chimneys are
recession-proof.
You should check out
my OnlyFans.
Boasts big chimneys.
The bees! I don't want to die!
Hey, guys, I think it's working.
I think it's working.
Take off our masks?
In the movie,
the mask was in the dresser.
"X" marks the spot.
Come get your goddamn keys.
That makes sense.
♪♪
♪♪
It's cinnamon.
-I use it in my garden.
It kills bees.
Oh.
Since I moved to the city,
I can't have a garden anymore.
It's relaxing.
I work for a nonprofit
that teaches
inner-city children
how to garden.
- Oh, that's nice. Ow!
- Okay. Fuck, no.
Have you guys not seen YouTube?
The Cinnamon Challenge?
That shit'll kill us.
You guys, I don't think
the dancing worked.
I think it just made them angry.
Ow!
One just stung my kidney.
We don't have a choice.
♪♪
♪♪
-We made a huge mistake.
We should've chosen the bees.
We should've chosen the bees!
♪♪
What are you doing?
It's too late for me.
- No, you still have time.
- I'm allergic to bees.
Hey, um, I'm...
I'm really sorry about
what I said about you earlier.
That really wasn't cool.
- It's okay.
I'm different.
But we're all different,
aren't we?
And that is what
makes us special.
That's so beautiful.
Oh, God.
And it's time for you all
to move on
and live your special lives.
- God dang.
- Again?
- God.
- Seriously?
Oh, God.
♪♪
♪♪
What the fuck are you
talking about, fungible?
What the fuck does
fungible mean?
Oh. I didn't see you there.
I was just reading
about Papa's big comeback.
Anywho, that last film
was a real doozy, wasn't it?
But now we have
a spooky treat from
across the pond.
It was an early
Rad Chad's Rad Recommendation.
So sit back
and hold on to your butts.
♪♪
His instructions said,
"We want mental openness."
I probably shouldn't
have done that.
The curious cat gets the cream.
Oh, I'm not sure
that's how that goes.
There he is.
What am I meant
to be looking at here?
- I see it, in the curtains.
- What the hell is that?
It's the "Three Men
and a Baby" ghost.
That's a cardboard cutout
of a kid.
Open your minds, guys.
This is why you've woken me up
at 5:00 a.m. today?
Apparently, the kid
of one of the crew was
messing around on set
and then...
He fell out of the window
and landed on some prop swords.
They tried to cover it up,
but that just made
the ghost kid angry.
Why were there swords
on the set of
"Three Men and a Baby"?
- Open your mind, Rachel.
- It's open. It's open.
My mum always says
if you open your mind too much,
you let the bats in.
Squawk!
Some people say that you can
see a shotgun in his hand
because he shot himself.
So a little kid committed
suicide on a film set?
- Yeah.
- Grim.
-And he's showing you the gun.
He's showing you how he did it.
Oh, I think they knew
how he did it based on there
being a gunshot wound
in his head.
So did he fall out of the
window or did he shoot himself?
It says here it's just
Ted Danson in a tuxedo
doing a dog-food commercial.
In a tuxedo?
You know, for fancy dogs.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Thanks for helping me pack
all my brother's stuff.
You know we wouldn't
let you do this alone.
Have you ever seen
"Three Men and a Baby"?
- No.
- Come on. It's Ted Danson.
Ted Danson.
You know Ted Danson, right?
- Who the fuck is Ted Danson?
Well, I guess the song is wrong.
Everybody doesn'tknow his name.
Why did your brother live in
a lighthouse again?
Everyone always used to tell him
that his head was in the clouds,
so I guess this was his way
of living up to the expectation.
- I see what you did there.
- Cheers.
Oh.
♪♪
♪♪
Zoe, can I have this?
Are you okay?
Are you sure you want to
stay here tonight?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm just puzzled
why he wanted me to have this.
Is that the one thing he said
he wanted you to have?
Kind of.
It's more like he wanted me
to take care of it
but not watch it.
My brother was into some
really weird shit.
Whoo!
I found the remote.
♪♪
Oh, that's better.
Oh, my God. It's scarier
when it's ginormous.
Is it just me or does he have
tentacles for arms?
It's you.
I think that's just
a shadow, Zoe.
I mean, we just want to see
what we want to see.
- No, look closer.
- Yeah. It's not tentacles.
It looks more like blades
for arms.
But why would a boy
who either fell out of a window
or shot himself come back
a super-sword man?
What?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
What?
I'm sleeping with you tonight,
Rachel.
I'll wear my best
pajamas for you.
Do you want to go?
♪♪
♪♪
These are your best pajamas?
I hope you brought earplugs
'cause I snore like a kaiju.
♪♪
Why did you want me to see this?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Aah!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
It was sword man.
♪♪
Huh?
♪♪
♪♪
What the fuck?!
Come on. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Come on.
♪♪
- Not again?
- No!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
-Shit. God damn it.
Fucking Jesus.
Sorry, guys.
That got away from me there.
That was... That was
unprofessional.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
I don't like this.
Okay, so he's
the mean, sinister type.
Now let's play a game.
Gonna name your dog Chalupa?
Other aerosols suck.
Every night is movie night.
♪♪
They're tropes.
So here's your apple martini
and your trope,
Mr. Horror Dude.
Welcome to prime time, bitch.
♪♪
It's time.
Your journey has reached
a new threshold.
And now...
Excuse me.
Okay.
As I was saying...
So, I'm off the clock?
Okay, could we just have,
like, a modicum
of professionalism here?
Okay? I mean, what kind of ship
do you think we're running?
-Hey. No, that's on me.
I get you. Let's get back to it.
Jesus.
Unbelievable.
Okay, as I was saying
before I...
As I was saying before I was
so rudely interrupted,
it is now time for one of you
to walk the path
less walk-ed.
Not walked a lot or whatever.
One of you will take this camera
and venture
into the depths of horror
not yet known and not yet found,
although the footage
will be found at a later time.
Okay. This is really...
I'm fucking this up.
And it's because
that little fucking freak
threw me off of my game,
and the TV
is kind of tugging
on my neck a little bit.
So let's just get
this over with, okay?
Go into the darkness and find
the key to release your friends.
If you succeed,
they will be spared.
If you fail,
their skin will be ripped
from their bodies.
Oh, and whatever you do,
don't stop filming.
Now, who among you is willing
to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Choose wisely.
I mean, how do we choose?
- We could Rochambeau.
- Excuse me.
Bo's dead.
- I'll do it.
- Like hell you will.
Hey, maybe we should do
rock, paper, scissors.
Hey, I think
you're a fucking idiot.
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo.
Catch a tiger by its toe.
If he hollers, make him pay
$50 every day.
And you are...
it.
No.
- Okay, here I am.
- No, no, no.
You can't do that, Mom.
I've dealt with puny men
like him before.
But look, if something happens,
I want you to know
I'm fully supportive of...
- Wait, really?
- Love is love, baby.
- Oh, God.
- Watch it, mad man.
And now you all lose
because you're all losers.
Every single one of you.
- It's go time, bitch.
- Good.
That's real good.
♪♪
Now let the suffering begin.
Ooh! Watch that shit.
Watch it.
- Come on, Mom. Come on.
Oh!
Oh, God.
Aah! Shit!
Oh.
Am I the only one that's
getting hit with these things?
Must suck, man.
Ow! God!
Hey, I found a key.
What the fuck is that?
Ah! This is the greatest
day of my life.
What the fuck is up, Sam?
My nipple? Really? My nipple?
Oh! My penis.
Oh, God!
You have played valiantly,
but now it must come to an end.
I have such sights to show you.
♪♪
Why?!
Oh, the humanity!
Is it good?
What's happening?
Hey, everybody.
All joking aside, if you are
uncomfortable right now
and you've had enough suffering,
let me know and we'll go ahead
and find a way
for you to leave early.
Oh, God, yes. Please stop.
Gross.
It's never gonna fucking stop.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
I will tear your soul apart.
Mom!
-Oh, you're alive.
Very impressive.
But ultimately,
it doesn't matter
because you didn't get the key.
Sorry. You lose.
♪♪
Jesus wept.
♪♪
Okay. It's time for me
to finally skedaddle.
I'll see you
in the third one, okay?
-Oh, great.
The chains are gone. Thanks.
That's the really...
That was the really
uncomfortable part for me.
♪♪
No!
- No!
- Oh, God!
♪♪
-You asshole.
She won fair and square.
- You're the square.
- Fuck you.
-Pfft, whatever.
I don't make the rules.
-What are you talking about?
This is your game!
Okay, but she fucking
called me a bitch!
Hey, and you know what?
By the way,
while I'm thinking of it.
Fuck you and fuck you
and fuck you.
And you know what?
You're a fucking stupid face.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm having way too much fun.
Y'all look so stupid right now.
Every single one of you
are gonna fucking die
because you're all losers,
every single one of you.
I look really cool right now
and bad-ass,
and y'all look really
helpless and stupid.
♪♪
♪♪
You got to keep the mood
in here alive.
Oh, Chad.
You are gonna flip your shit.
Nobody knows movies like I do.
You're making a huge mistake.
-People don't like you.
I mean, look at your face.
I just want to punch you.
- Chad.
I'm always here,
and I will always be here,
until you give me the job
that was rightfully mine.
♪♪
Oh. Huh.
All right.
Congrats on making it
this far in the game.
And to think you guys
did it all as a team.
You are truly doing
the Lord's work.
I would know.
I was just speaking with him
a few minutes ago.
Speaking of being dead,
you're about to watch a banger.
It's about all the things
that happen
when you mess with dead people.
Toodle-ooh.
♪♪
This is not the first time
Jason died.
It was the summer of 1993.
Hottest summer on record.
We were 12 going on 13,
the last year
before we became teenagers.
Thick as thieves,
they called us.
The only thing stolen
that summer was my heart.
Come on, guys.
I got to get back soon
or my mum's gonna kill me.
He's not wrong. Jason's mum
was something sinister.
She's the original Karen.
If she were a horror movie,
she'd be "Karen: Origins."
Sometimes I think we all
harken back to the days of...
Holy shit! A dead body!
♪♪
Holy shit. A gun.
- Was that his?
- What?
Shit, no. This is my dad's.
He brought it back
from Desert Storm.
Shot Saddam in the face with it.
Now he's got one of his
lookalikes pretending to be him.
Uh, thank you, Ellie's dad,
for his service, I think.
And... And why have you got it?
Because it's cool.
Guys, I have an idea.
♪♪
- How do we know this even works?
- Well, it worked on telly.
He looks like
he's seen better days.
He has. But life finds a way.
Yeah. Are we sure this is,
like, a good idea or...
Was climbing Mount Everest
a bad idea, Jason?
For some people?
Look, when are we ever gonna
find another real-life dead guy?
In a couple hours if Jason's
not home for dinner.
Jason will be fine. Let's bring
this dude back to life.
Yeah.
How long is it supposed to take?
- Everything okay down there?
- Yeah!
Does anybody want a drink?
We've got OJ, soda,
purple stuff, Sunny Delight.
-Ooh. Ooh. I love SunnyD.
It's got solar energy.
-No, thanks, Stat's mum.
We're fine.
Okay, then. You kids have fun.
I'll just be shutting
the door now
and soundproofing it
for no reason.
♪♪
♪♪
Ugh.
Okay, maybe this time,
we don't shoot him
in the face right away.
Sorry. I'm not a trained killer
like my dad.
I want to go home.
It's gonna be okay, mate.
I promise we'll get you there
real soon.
Holy shit.
-Uh, hello, mate.
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
I'm Cooper.
Can you say that? Cooper?
Stop murdering me.
♪♪
♪♪
That's my girlfriend,
you dead prick.
Labels.
Time to die.
Again.
No.
Time to die.
Motherfucker!
- Hey, now. Language.
- Huh?
I tell you, I open the
soundproof door for 5 seconds
to offer you snacks,
and I hear you swearing.
You don't talk to people
that way, do you?
- No, Stat's mum.
- Excuse me.
No, Stat's mum.
-Now, that's more like it.
Hey, Jason.
Your mom called, hon.
Dinner will be ready at seven.
Best not to be late.
And who shoes are these?
You better not be trying
to reanimate
a homeless man's corpse again.
- Of course not, Mum.
- Don't make me come down there.
♪♪
That's for Jason.
♪♪
Holy shit. A sword.
-Right?
Some weird shit down here.
Are we sure this is a good idea?
Oh, yeah, 100%.
Then you should shoot him
in the face right away again.
Are you seriously gonna
make me apologize
for murdering you
when you were already dead?
Oh, right.
Hey, at least his
speech is getting better.
You're the one who wants
to do this to Jason.
I mean, it turned this guy
into a complete A-hole.
No. Shooting me in the face
turned me into an A-hole.
Also, I was always an A-hole.
I'm more worried about
Jason's mum being an A-hole
if he's not home by seven.
True, but, like...
-We'll get him a scarf.
She won't even notice.
But I'llnotice.
And what does that even mean?
Are you doing one-liners?
I'm playing on the notion
that my idea of fashion
is more important than his
parents finding out
that we killed him.
You know, for a dead bloke
with a hole in his neck,
you never shut up.
- Guys, we got to get going.
-Come on, Jason.
We need to you back, mate.
So, turns out 12 year olds
aren't very good at this whole
reanimating-a-corpse science.
After multiple attempts,
we quickly learned that we
probably just made things worse.
♪♪
-What do we do now?
It's almost seven.
Tabby has a calming effect
on him, at least.
We're gonna need a bigger scarf.
It's a transporter!
♪♪
Whatever you put in here
comes out reassembled
on the other side.
- That will never work.
- Shut up!
All right!
♪♪
This better work.
♪♪
Is it supposed to make that...
Guys, where's Tabby?
Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection
against the wickedness
and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him.
We humbly pray.
Amen.
Amen.
Nice of you to join us, Jason.
Jesus fucking Christ!
Holy shit!
Holy shit!
We're so dead.
It took some time to adjust,
but with eight lives left,
Jason would go on to live
a full, if unconventional, life.
That sweltering summer day
in 1993
quickly became one
I'll never forget.
And although I hadn't seen
Whiskers in more than 10 years,
I know I'll miss him forever.
I never had any friends
like the ones I had
when I was 12.
Shit, does anyone?
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Fuck. Jesus.
This thing is so fucking hot.
You have no idea.
- This fucking guy.
You guys think you have it bad?
Try getting in
this fucking thing.
I'm talking 100 degrees of
indoor not A/C.
Hell, you'll thank me.
And besides, you already knew
it was me the whole time, right?
So anyways, the game and shit.
Yes. You all have bombs
attached to your necks.
You have to figure out which
four movies inspired
what you just watched
within 90 seconds
or your fucking heads
will explode.
Cool? Cool.
Activated.
What... What did he mean,
inspired by movies?
Uh, "Stand By Me."
- All right.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, um, it's inspired
by "Stand by Me."
There's kids and a dead body
and... and narration.
- Oh.
- So "Stand By Me"...
- The movie.
- Is probably one of them.
- Yeah. That's okay.
- Sorry.
-There was another one.
The... "The Thing." "The Thing."
'Cause they're doing
the experiments in the lab
and they bring back
to life a cat or a dog.
- I don't think that's it.
- No, no, that's not it.
It's not... It's not
"The thing."
They were riffing
on "Pet Sematary."
How could you not see that?
Okay, we don't need
gatekeeping here.
We know what we know,
and we love what we love.
No one's an expert.
- We don't have time for this.
What the fuck now, Sam?
This is so much better.
And to be totally honest
with y'all,
I'm getting kind of bored,
and I really fucking hate you.
So I can't wait
to see you all dead.
Why don't you roll
on out here, then?
Oh, classic Jessie,
always trying to be the hero.
I have a better idea.
Considering we're getting all up
into this third act shit,
I think it's time for
a good old-fashioned callback.
♪♪
♪♪
Come on!
♪♪
Are you okay?
Shit.
♪♪
♪♪
-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, shit.
Hey, Dwight. Go long.
Oh.
♪♪
Hey, Damon.
You don't want them.
I'm the one who burned you,
remember?
Now, what do I do with this?
"Be kind, rewind."
♪♪
♪♪
Accepted.
Hey, it worked!
Find the other movies,
rewind them,
and then get out that door.
Oh, you mean
this door right here?
I don't think so.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
-What was that movie?
It was the...
He... He's, like,
running tests on a fly.
What's the guy
that's in "Jurassic Park"?
Jeff, uh... Jeff Daniels.
- Then he, like,
tries to... to splice himself
with a... with a fly.
♪♪
"Pet Sematary."
Aah! Fuck. Kimmie!
♪♪
What the fuck was that called?
Accepted.
♪♪
Holy shit.
♪♪
"The Fly"!
♪♪
♪♪
- Oh, hey.
- Shh!
No, no, it's... we're fine.
Look, this is like
an incredible spot I found.
He never comes over here.
- Oh!
- Oh!
God. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Whoa.
"The Fly." Yes.
Good. Good. Good. Good.
Oh, God.
Okay, um...
What else? So, what other movie?
I don't know!
Hey, but there was a talking
head. We need to find it.
- "American Beauty."
- I don't think that's it.
There were experiments
and there was a cat.
- Kevin Spacey has ruined it!
- And there was green goo.
Oh, God.
That door over there
is wide open.
I can't leave her.
I'm fully in the belief
that Jessie can save all of us.
I mean, have you seen the shit
she was doing over there?
-Just stop. Stop.
It's over. It's over.
It's over. It's pointless.
He destroyed the rewinder.
- It's never over.
- Destroyed the fucking rewinder!
♪♪
Stay here for one second, okay?
♪♪
I'll take a peek out and just...
- Um, is that a good idea?
- Yeah, he's right there.
Yeah, he's right there.
I'm not gonna do that.
He's literally right there.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, hey.
I got it. Rewinding.
What, what, what?
-We're running out of time.
We're running out of time.
I really think that clock
is kind of off. So just...
- Hey.
- No, no, no.
- You can't die.
- I'm gonna find the other one.
-I'm not gonna die.
Press the button.
It's your movie.
You can't die.
Accepted.
♪♪
♪♪
Hey, ugly-ass killer guy!
Call him Damon!
Damon! Stupid Damon!
Mention Jimmy!
-Jimmy? I hate Jimmy.
He's a stupid fucking kid.
♪♪
It was "Re-Animator."
Not accepted.
I'm sorry. Goodbye.
Noooo!
- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
I'm okay.
So, that explosion,
does that mean...
Rick is, like...?
- Yeah.
- Damn.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
- Oh.
- Oh, thank God.
Shit.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
- I can't get it.
- Fuck.
Here. Hold on, hold on.
Okay.
Ready?
Holy shit.
There really was a key
in my shoe.
♪♪
Hello, Jessie.
You've proven difficult
to kill once again.
You may be the final girl,
but this is your final act.
I chose you.
I chose all of you.
None of you
took horror seriously.
-Space is science fiction.
Horror is, you know...
It was always just
a joke to you.
The "Friday the 13th" one
with Corey Feldman.
- "The Lost Boys" dude?
- No, that's Corey Haim.
Hey, Damon,
don't you remember me?
So ungrateful.
- I don't get it.
- Baby, I don't...
So unworthy.
Oh, wait.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Hello, Jesse.
You disrespected my mentor,
and you disrespected horror.
You and Sam were only patsies.
He meant nothing to me.
But in the process,
I found myself a father,
a leader, a teacher.
Do you know what's going on?
I found the answers
I had been longing for.
My troubled life
finally had purpose
with the one man
who understood me
and the rules of horror.
-Kimmie, I don't understand.
We've been together since...
How'd you like to play a game?
You all have been
specially chosen to take part
in this fully
immersive experience
like none other before.
It's the ultimate
Rad Chad Recommendation!
From beyond.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
What the fuck?
♪♪
Horror was my life.
And ultimately my death.
I put all my brother's murder
settlement money into my dream.
My emporium.
But no matter what I tried,
y'all didn't show up.
I can't make ends meet.
So I'm gonna make meat
of your ends.
Oh, you... you're gonna eat us?
What? No, that's gross.
I had this one thing in college
when I got really drunk.
I'm not allowed around goats.
Still owe my grandmother $300.
Anywho...
I had my targets.
Now I needed my missile.
- It's the Devil's Lake Impaler.
- Who?
And with a little help
from a little friend,
I had my killing machine
and my targets.
What the hell is going on here?
I saw you die.
Did you?
I had formed the partnership
that would define my life.
You're not gonna want
to follow him.
I'm really surprised
you lasted this long.
Self-destruct sequence
activated.
We have to go.
No. Youhave to go.
And now it's time
to fulfill my legacy.
And it is I who will
take over his legacy
once he is dead and gone...
Hey, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. Time out. Rewind.
I'm, like, 36 years old.
I got a long time to live.
- Well...
And I work out a lot.
I do Kegels.
- 36?
- No.
Right around there.
This isn't even possible.
I don't understand
what's going on.
You didn't respect horror.
But now...
oh, you will.
♪♪
What does that mean?
-This doesn't make any sense.
Kimmie, what is going on?
- So they're working together?
- What is happening?
- Game over.
- Kimmie!
I choose the bees!
There's my boys!
Ready to get your kill on, Dio?
- Yeah!
You know, Han,
I never did give you shit
about how hard you hit me
with that rewinder.
-You never know who's watching.
You've got to sell it.
- Oh, I missed you!
- I missed you.
Pop couldn't make it?
No, but he's awaiting your call.
Let's go.
♪ They're dying to shake you
♪ Trying their best
to break you ♪
♪ And though the going
is rough ♪
♪ You're going home as a hero
♪ 'Cause there's thunder
in your heart ♪
♪ Every move is like lightning
♪ There's the power you feel
♪ When you get your taste
of the glory ♪
♪ There's a fire gonna start
♪ And you know they're
going under ♪
♪ You can light the dark
♪ When they hear your heart
of thunder ♪
♪♪
Have the lambs
stopped screaming, Papa?
Have the lambs
stopped screaming?
Papa. I seriously need to know.
I'm having friends for dinner.
We may need extras.
Papa?
Papa?
Papaaaa!
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪♪
♪ You've got a friend in me
♪♪
♪ When times get tough,
you'll see ♪
♪ We've been together
for so long ♪
♪ When I'm weak,
you make me strong ♪
♪ I know I can depend on you
♪ To show the way
and see me through ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪♪
♪ We'll make our dreams
come true ♪
♪♪
♪ There's nothing we can't do
♪ We've been together
for so long ♪
♪ When I'm weak,
you make me strong ♪
♪ I know I can depend on you
♪ To show the way
and see me through ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪ I know I can depend on you
♪ To show the way
and see me through ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪ Friends through eternity,
loyalty, honesty ♪
♪ We'll stay together
through thick or thin ♪
♪ Friends forever,
we'll be together ♪
♪ We're on top
'cause we play to win ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
-Hey, guys.
I think we lost Bert.
Yeah, Bert and I
are melded together.
He's my bottom.
Guys?
I'm really, really lonely
in here.
Aaaaaaa!
♪♪