Scare Package (2019) - full transcript

Uh, guys.

My map says that the
campsites to the right.

What, are you blind, Stacy?

That's where the
insane asylum is.

Can't you read arrows?

I don't know, I just,

I really don't have a
good feeling about this.

Let's go.

This weekend is all about
no rules, no clothes,

and so cell service.

Drive, Zach.



And it's like
that every time.

His instructions tell
me to do bad things

and then get out of the movie.

That's my job.

It's not that bad, Mike.

Could you put these up a little?

Yeah, in front of the face.

If someone's coming at ya,
where you gonna put 'em?

Uh, here.

You gonna remember that?

Yes.

Up near the face.

I mean first they had me

planting satanic
relics in attics.



Oh.

Then they made me do that movie

where I was a shady
real estate agent.

Hope you enjoyed the tour.

This, this is the best
house on the market.

Trust me.

It just seems too
good to be true.

Uh.

Uh, no, no.

I don't think it is, actually.

It's got a really average
good to be true, uh, ratio.

So, if we went to the library

and asked for newspaper
clippings regarding
horrific events

that occurred on the property,
they wouldn't have any?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's correct,
my good friend.

Any newspaper after
1975 definitely
wouldn't say anything.

I mean is there
gonna be enough room

in the backyard for
your greenhouse?

Mike.

There would be room in the
basement for the train set.

Of course the rooms upstairs.

Mike!

Hey!

We'll take it.

Okay, I'll get the contracts
so nobody can turn around,

uh, I mean back out.

So, let's just remain
firm eye contact here

as we seal the deal.

Mike.

Do you even know how
hard it is to curse a doll?

No.

Lot of steps.

I think I know what
your problem is.

What?

You're looking for motivation.

Yeah, of course I am, Wendy.

I'm a person, I need an arc.

You know, I want to
do something more.

I want to do something good.

Yeah but it's not your job.

You're a cold opener.

You only have a few minutes to
put all the pieces in place.

What am I supposed to do then?

You know, it's not like I
get to come in at the end

and rescue the good guys
and arrest the bad guys

in the freaking finale,
you know, like some people.

You know, my job
sucks sometimes, too.

I have never hit the
heart or the brain.

Honestly, I've never
hit a vital organ

and I don't get it
'cause I'm always pointed

right at the head

and then somehow it's
always the left shoulder.

I just.

Maybe, maybe.

Maybe I could hit a vital organ?

You know, I just, I've
never gotten the chance.

Mike!
Sorry, sorry.

If you start fantasizing again

I'm literally going to
punch you in the face.

Oh.

Look, no offense, but
you're not a character.

You're better off
with what you have.

This blows.

As if it wasn't bad enough

that we're babysitting
on Halloween.

We just need to find
the breaker box.

What was that?

It's okay, it's okay.

What do you want?

Hi, I'm Mike.

I'm a neighbor.

I just wanted to see if
your power went out, too.

It did.

Thank you.

Goodnight.

It's just, can we talk?

For a second.

I'm sorry I scared you.

I promise I'm, you can trust me.

If you're a neighbor why
haven't I seen you before?

I've been babysitting for
the Patterson's for years.

A babysitter, of
course, that's classic.

Excuse me?

And what's with your eye?

Is that some sort of
Halloween costume thing?

Yeah, oh, that's right.

Definitely a costume.

Anyways, I just heard
some tussling over here

before the power out and
just wanted to check in.

Well, we're fine.

Thank you.

Are you sure you didn't
want like, you know,

someone to hang out and
like be all "what was that?"

if there was a noise or---

That's okay.

I've got my best
friend, Tess, here.

Hi, Tess.

Uh, what about like a
tough dude, you know,

if some crazy guy shows up?

I think you already have
the crazy dude thing down.

So---

Oh, no.

No, no.

I'm not, I'm not crazy.

I'm, uh, I'm Mike.

I just want to help.

Hannah.

Talk in a second.

Okay.

He did it, he cut the power.

Are you sure?

Look in his pocket.

Okay, I've got a plan.

Trust me.

Hey, Mike.

Want to come in for a sec?

It seems like you
really want to hang out.

Boy, do I, yeah.

I'll be right back.

Okay, see ya, Tess.

She seems cool.

I'm so excited.

I've never gotten
to do this before.

Do what?

Stick around this long.

You know, introduce my
name and everything.

I even have a backstory.

Mike, concerned neighbor.

That's great.

So, what do we do now?

Um, maybe help me
find some candles?

They're in there.

Okay, yeah.

Oh man, I'm gonna
get fired for this.

Oh yeah?

Probably, probably.

But it's so worth it.

You know, Wendy was wrong.

You know it's nice
to have an arc

and feel like you're
helping people

and doing some real good, yeah.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Oh, I can explain.

You better.

So my friend, Wendy,
and I were boxing.

Well she was boxing,

I was holding these
weird oven mitt things

and then I started
to think, you know,

what if I could be the
one to change my story

and that's when

and the sheers, yes.

I cut the power, but you
know what am I gonna do?

Murder you?

You were gonna murder us?

No, no, no.

I said, I'm not
gonna murder you.

Okay.

Tess!

Call the police, now!

This is just a misunderstanding)

Oh, oh no.

Oh no.

You okay?

Uh, Tess?

I think Hannah might
need some help.

Do I take it out or leave it in?

Oh, no, no, no.

Tess, hello?

I really hope you
can't feel this.

Oh my god.

You psycho.

You killed her.

Oh, nope.

No, I didn't kill her.

Honestly, yes you, I stabbed

by accident, of course.

I'm sorry but no,
I didn't stab her.

I swear.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

I, I wouldn't do that.

Oh geeze.

Oh man.

Tess was gonna kill me?

I can't believe this.

Oh no, it's not
what it looks like.

Jesus Christ.

The shoulder?

Seriously?

You shot me.

Mike?

We got a call for some girl
talking about a crazy guy

trying to kill
her and her friend

and um, the kid
they're babysitting.

Oh my god.

I should check on the kid.

He's probably so
freaked out right now.

No, no.

Don't.

I just mean, maybe
I should do that.

I didn't, I didn't
mean to kill everyone.

It just sort of happened.

Well, it isn't good, pal.

Especially with the
whole name thing.

Oh, it's just a coincidence.

Well, I'm sitting here with
my friend, Michael Myers,

on Halloween night and yeah,

there's a bunch of
dead bodies around.

So you tell me.

I go by Mike.

I don't like horror movies.

They give me nightmares.

Yeah, I know.

Just a big softy.

It's just not fair, you know?

I just wanted to be
something more so badly.

You know, I just wanted to do
something good, that's all.

You tried your best.

All we can do, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess, I just,

what am I gonna do now?

It's over.

You know, I've got no job.

I'm definitely not
getting another piece

of paper with instructions
on it, that's for sure.

Come on, they always make
sequels off this stuff.

Really?

Sure.

I could be a, be a villain.

Sure.

Oh, I didn't realize
the sun had come up.

Oh yeah, they always end
horror movies in daylight.

It's a sign of hope.

Oh.

So, what do you think?

Uh, I just don't know about
all the meta stuff, you know?

I mean a movie talking about
a movie within a movie.

It's just confusing.

You're just not ready
for primetime, kid.

Well, you know a
phoenix has to burn

before it can rise
from the ashes.

So.

I have no idea what that means.

Me neither, my dad would
just always say it.

I never met my father.

Cool.

Uh, this is my stop.

Uh, well.

Thanks for the ride.

Ah.

Hey, remember kid.

Picking up hitchhikers
is dangerous business.

That's how horror movies start.

You're scary, mister.

On time.

And for your consideration.

Damn it, Sam.

You know how I feel about this.

I'd be the model employee.

This is a damn shame.

I just, I can't.

I have an encyclopedic
knowledge of movies.

Nobody knows movies like I do.

You're making a huge mistake.

People don't like you.

I mean look at your face.

I just want to punch it.

Chad.

How many times have
you been punched

in the face this week?

That's a trick question

'cause you know my mom
hits me every morning

to wake me up.

Give me the job, man.

Someone will come apply.

Someday.

Keep those dreams
alive, partner.

Yeah, you, too.

I'll be here.

Until your mom picks you up.

Hello, I'm here for video
store clerk position.

Name.
Hawn Fan.

Ever committed a felony?
No.

Legal to work in the US?
Yes.

Reliable form

of transportation?
Yes.

High school, GED, or equivalent?

Yes.

Have you ever
suffered the untimely

and crushing loss
of a loved one?

No.

Nancy Thompson or Laurie Stroud?

Laurie.

Leprechaun in Space or
Leprechaun in the Hood?

Space, I guess.

Better sequel, Troll
2 or Halloween Three?

Neither follow the
official canon.

So neither are
official sequels, sir.

Have you ever had a best friend?

No, sir.

When could you start?

Now.

Season of the Witch was
pretty awesome, though, huh?

Right.

You gotta come forward a bit.

Yeah, there you go.
Yes, sir.

We'll just stick with
low fives for now.

Yeah, that's a handshake.

We'll work on that.
Sir.

Come on around.

I'm training somebody
right now, Mom.

I told you I'll make
it home for dinner.

I might bring a friend.

Anyway, you're gonna hit F4,
F11, and F9 with control alt

to get to the account.

This one again?

It's bloody fucking hilarious.

Bloody and hilarious or
are you just British?

What?

I'll have to check it out.

You haven't seen it?

Oh Chad, you are
gonna flip your shit.

You better clear your schedule

because this is
required viewing.

It all starts with a
group of characters

walking through the woods

and you don't know
what's gonna happen next.

When then all of a sudden,
one of the characters

steps in some nasty goo.

There's bug guts on my shoe.

You're a big boy, hon,
you can clean it yourself.

Fine.

So do you think tonight's
gonna be the night with Trip?

I don't know.

I brought my own tent, so.

Oh huh, weird.

I don't see you setting it up?

Well I think it would
be a little bit strange

with you guys right there.

Oh, that's okay 'cause
I like to watch..

So it's good.

Hey, you guys talking
about fucking or?

Hey!

Hey, you gotta help me.

I need your help, okay,
you have to help me.

What's up, man?

Are you hurt?

I'm dangerous.

I need you guys to
lock me up or tie me up

'cause I'm gonna change.

I'm gonna change.

Oh yeah, okay hydrate.

Wow.

Oh, somebody get
this girl a refill.

Piss off, dude.

Get out of here.

You don't understand!

I'm gonna kill you all!

I'm sorry but

You have to kill me!

Please.

Let's help him.

This won't work.

Need silver.

Sticks won't work, you fucks!

You need sliver!

Your earrings.

Your earrings!

Hurry!

Those are gold, okay.

Try your watch.

Try your watch, try your watch.

That's fake.

That's fake.

Oops.

Guy said it was.

It was real nice.

You cheapskate!

Hurry, hurry.

What do I do?

I don't know.

Are those silver?

I like fancy things.

Nice, dude.

Okay, great, you paused the
transformation, that's good.

Could have happened a
little bit sooner but uh.

Look, next we,

hey, why does that
guy have handcuffs?

Hey, yeah.

Oh, he's kinky.

Were those meant for me?

You?

Yeah.

Just not in the way
you were thinking.

He's super kinky.

He's the backwoods slasher.

Hey, stay back, Trip.

You guys, all right?

Hey, that guy's blood
is getting in my blood.

Trip, bro, bro.

Trip.

You are deceptively
strong, my dude.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

Wait.

Brenda, look at me.

I love you so much.

You're my best friend.

We're gonna be fine.

Okay?

I promise you, I promise you.

I'm gonna get help.

You wait here.
No, no, no.

I think we should
stick together.

Hello?

I'm still here.

Kill me?

God damn it.

I think my eyes
are gonna fall out.

Hey.

Hi, I'm hunting a
creature, well a man.

Maybe you've seen him.

He's about ye tall.

He might be changing
into something.

Keep it down.

Why are you down there?

Oh did you lose a contact?

Oh that's not--

Beating me with my own leg.

Now he's beating me
with both my legs.

I just signed up for a marathon.

I got a butterfly ankle tattoo.

I'll never enjoy it now.

Hey, hey, hey.

Lady, down here.

Yeah, you.

Hey if you unchain
me I can help you.

No, I'm sorry.

You're too gross,
I can't touch it.

No, I'm fine.

This is all hypoallergenic.

You're not gonna sick at all.

Look at me, come on,

do I look somebody
that's gonna hurt you?

People say I have kind eyes.

Sorry, I just really don't
want to get goo on my--

Hey, hey.

Yeah, you know when that
guy like slipped in my goo,

some of it separated
from the rest of my goo,

do you think you could
just push it back together,

kind of consolidate
the goo for me?

I, no, I just don't
feel comfortable, with,

you know, touching the goo.

I'm just a little
concerned that like

when I change back if I'm
missing some of the goo,

I don't know what's
gonna happen, honestly.

This isn't, you can't learn
this stuff in a manual.

So, for me it's a
little bit scary.

Okay, sure.

Yes, great.
Yeah.

Seriously, this is the nicest
thing anyone's ever done.

I thought I could control it.

I can't control it, now we know.

Ow.

My apologies in advance
for what's gonna,

yeah its happening now.

You look disgusting.

God damn it.

Okay from this green
goo on, that's my side.

Okay, you have your
side, I have my side.

Maybe let's just
not talk for awhile.

All right, fine by me.

I can not talk all day.

All fucking day.

What you thinking about?

I'm melting, I'm melting.

He was changing, not melting.

Shut up, what do you know?

I know you owe me a
dollar 49 for that soda.

Why don't you go
get cleaned up, man?

Does that kind of thing
happen a lot here?

More than you would think.

All right, training time.

If I don't teach you
anything else today,

you're gonna learn your ABCs.

Always be...

Playing video cassettes.

Okay?

You gotta keep the mood
in here alive, all right?

You're like a DJ but
you're playing videos.

So like a video DJ.

You see that door over there?

Never go in that door.

Okay.

Under any circumstances.

I cannot stress this enough.

Stay out.

You're going great.

Go ahead and talk
a little break.

My little Pikachu.

ABC.

Hello.

Come on.

Unbelievable.

Hawn, come on, man.

Do you even want this?

I just...

Yes, sir.

I'll work harder.

This is what
disappointment looks like.

You don't want to feel
what it feels like.

Strike one.

On the house.

So you're having a rough night?

It's 11 AM.

Yeah.

Having some trouble at home.

You know what they say.

Home is where the heart is.

You know, that is very true.

And the heart is
where the blood is.

And the blood, blood
is thicker than water.

I'm gonna go.

Uh, you know.

I gotta, go over there.

Thank you.

Okay.

I'm doing
the best that I can.

You need to start making
some real contributions

to this family.

You're not pulling your weight,

you're not providing
like you should.

I'm doing all the
sacrificing around here.

What
do you want from me?

Be a man.

Look, I'm just gonna take
up most of the sidewalk.

That's just how it goes.

Okay?

You fucking move.

I don't give a shit.

You know, who cares?

Who gives a shit?

That's exactly what I've been
talking about all these weeks.

Look around you.

Men have lost their
way from the pack.

We are primal.

We are pure, carnal instincts!

Fantasy leagues, comic
book movies, politics.

Nerd shit.

Exactly, what I
was talking about.

You see that?

We should be reacting,
not cowering.

They are trying to domestic us.

We roll over and we beg

because society says we
should be softer, gentler.

We heel to be good boys.

We obey when we hear the
silent whistle of emasculation,

the muzzle of oppression
is keeping us from being

who we were meant to be.

We're gonna take it back
and we're gonna attack.

Right for the jugular.

Okay, so let's uh, let's
hear from each other, yeah?

Share plates?

What if I just want my own meal?

If I want to wear boat
shoes to her uncle's funeral

what's wrong with that?

If Billy Joel can write
Stormfront while wasted,

I can do my taxes while stoned.

So now what, now at work they
want me to count the seconds

of the hugs that I give?

What about womansplaining?

I downloaded that
pic of the babysitter

from Facebook for you.

It actually takes less
energy to put a seat down.

Well if you can't break
the glass ceiling,

you might as well clean it.

I park like that on purpose.

It's a power move.

What do you mean what's
happening in the movie?

Just watch the movie.

Just because I ask you
to shave your pubes

doesn't mean I have to, too.

And I told her, you
don't understand.

I don't live with my mom,
my mom lives with me.

I have no idea
where your keys are.

You want to talk
about pro choice?

I don't even know what
they did with my foreskin.

Who brought these, by the way?

Thanks for coming out.

You know, you would of been
more than welcome to join us.

You look like you have
a lot on your mind.

A lot of things you said
really struck a chord.

Well there's a lot more

to us than what
you saw here today.

It goes a lot further.

I'm interested.

I could really use a change.

I really like you
said about the muzzle.

Yeah, no it makes sense.

Okay, I tell you what.

We're having a get
together tonight,

very special, very exclusive.

It's just a little game
we play every month.

You interested?

Yeah.

Great.

He's gonna join us.

Hey, guys.

Hey.
Hey.

Just in time.

Tonight, we return to our glory.

Tonight, we reclaim
our spot as the alpha

by bringing about the omega.

Tonight, we hunt.

Are you ready to join the pack?

I've already got one.

Honey, I'm home.

If you'll excuse me.

You almost didn't
make it in time.

You did it.

I knew you'd come through.

I had to improvise.

Werewolves.

What a surprise.

Well, it's not like we have
a monopoly on full moons.

I hope it wasn't too difficult.

I just really wanted to
show you how much I cared.

Show everybody.

Well, we didn't
start without you.

Oh, werewolf pelts.

These are a real delicacy.

This is gonna be great
for the whole family.

Come on, guys.

Uh, everybody let's get started.

Is that a dead animal?

Looks real, don't it?

It even feels real.

Feels dead.

That is a screen
used prop, my friend,

from a werewolf movie.

Any hoo, I got to go
get some work done.

Do you know what they
call a Goldie Hawn

in the fetish community?

It's when you find a
gentleman by the name of Hawn

and urinate on him.

I'm not gonna do
that to you, Hawn,

'cause I don't have that fetish.

Besides, I don't even know
if you're real name is Hawn.

I am using my real name.

I mean, what, nothing.

Shut up.

why do you have a balloon?

I can't tell you that.

There are balloon
fetishists as well

and I think Chad
might be one of them.

So, if you want to
keep working here

with a pervert
like that you can.

Thank you.

We got one, we got one.

Yes!

You know what, let me
tell you the power of now

so we can just be in the
moment and not think about--

I've been in the
moment for 30 minutes

waiting for you guys.

Well let's get in the
moment and let's go.

This is amazing.

Oh this looks like
my grandma's house.

I kind of love it.

Let's get drunk.

Yes.

I haven't had sugar in 82 days.

Calling it!

Did you use porcelain?
It's still plastic.

I never changed it.

You cheap bitch.

It was 75 bucks.

Oh girl.
Look.

Yeah, she still has a scar.

No pain, no gain.

Yeah, you shouldn't...

Oh, that's the one.

Isn't this nice,
just getting away?

I can't believe you
almost didn't make it.

What?

Yeah, what are you getting
too cool for us now?

Hey I'm here, aren't I?

Come on.
Very true.

What did you do to our friend?

You're going to ruin
the anti-aging process.

I look 22, right?

Yeah, I mean.

Um.

What is that?

You stole that.

So what?

You are such a klepto.

It's fine.
I admit it.

We bought a bunch of
stuff there, it's fine.

That's right.

You want to try it?

Give me this thing.

This is giant.

You
are cheap as shit.

It was not
easy to steal this.

It's a pretty good find.

I don't feel so good.

My face is real hot.

Oh thank you.

I don't think I have
any pain killers.

I think I, I might
have something.

Oh my god.

You still have this?

Yeah.

Mine broke ages ago.

Oh my god.

Allie, remember this night?

You almost went home with that
guy that looks like a turtle.

Oh my god, she did.

He like literally had a shell.

He was disgusting.

He was super creepy.

We were like no, but.

Allie?

Allie?

I take it back.

I think I feel better now.

What's wrong, you guys?

Oh my god.

What?

You guys.

No!

Jamie.

What do you think of this color?

This is all your fault.

Don't worry, we can fix this.

How are we gonna fix this?

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Whoa.

Hello?

I'm wondering about
a piece of candy

that we got at your store.

Tell her I'm sorry.

Why is she, why
are you laughing?

What is so funny?

Keep your focus.

Never break.

Wow, you're good.

Okay.

That's only seven
tapes every 10 seconds.

Faster, faster, you gotta move.

You gotta move.

Efficiency, elegance,
destruction of ego.

I gotta say, I am
really impressed.

You clean a hell of a bathroom.

Thank you, sir.

Now, we just gotta get
that piranha tank clean.

The what?

Why do you even have that?

It was a failed promotion
I did back in 2010.

No way.

Did you just say no to me?

I'll clean it.

Where did you come from?

I'm always here

and I will always be here

until you give me the job
that was rightfully mine.

You guys continue having
your little employee

employer meeting
in the bathroom.

That's my mom.

She's out getting the
shagging wagon detailed.

Big plans this weekend.

So, you're not off the
hook, I'll be back.

I'll be back real soon.

He will.

He just keeps coming
back again and again.

He's like that killer in
the Night He Came Back Again

Part IV The Final Kill.

You know that's the nicest thing

anybody's ever said to me?

God damn it, Mom!

I'm coming.

Who?

Just this dude.

He kills people, keeps
coming back again.

How much longer
do we have to watch this?

Now!

Every Fourth of July,
we have fireworks,

hot dogs, and you.

Whether at a cabin, the
county fair, or summer camp

you show up and kill everyone

including my boyfriends.

You'll be fine.

Every year, I
leave you for dead,

the next year you come back.

That ends tonight.

That was easy.

Thanks.

Yeah, no problem.

Babe, it's over now.

He can't hurt you anymore.

Now we can finally
go all the way.

No, it's not over.

He could still come back.

Babe, he's dead.

Look.

Greg, don't.

Do you know how many girls
I turned down this year

'cause I was saving
myself for you?

Stop messing around, Greg.

Fuck off, Will.

Greg.

Daisy, he's dead.

Now have sex with me!

Will, get the jumper cables.

Okay, he's ready.

Why are they on his nipples?

I mean, isn't that
where they go?

No, this isn't some porno.

But it on his neck.

Come on, man.

I didn't, I...

Okay.

Just die!

Did it work?

Seth, don't.

It's too dangerous.

It's okay, I'm pre-med.

Oh.

Damn it!

Say hi to the founding
fathers, asshole.

Happy Fourth of July, fucker.

Holy shit.

We did it.

Oh my god.

We did it.

Hey, uh.

I'm sorry about Seth.

Oh, it's okay.

We were only going out
for a few weeks anyway.

He was pre-med.

Crazy night.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I couldn't have
done it without you.

I'm always here for you, Daisy.

Always.

Um, yeah I'm sorry about Greg.

Yeah, I really liked him

but maybe I should
just stay single.

It seems to be
working out for you.

What should we do with these?

Chloe!

Fuck.

Oh.

No, just stay away from, Will.

Everyone I care
about ends up dead.

You care about me?

Of course I do.

I care about you, too, a lot.

Every time I find a good
guy he ends impaled,

decapitated, or stabbed
through the head.

Well maybe the good guy
you've been searching for

has been right here
in front of you?

I, I love you, Daisy.

Come on!

Will.

Take off his mask.

I want to look this
bastard in the eye

when I finally kill him.

Are you sure it's necessary--

Do it!

What, what are you waiting for?

Oh no, no.

Are you into him?

No, you got to be
fucking kidding me.

Daisy.

Shoot him.

I can't.

I...

Hate you.

Hello?

I'd like to rent a wood chipper.

Daisy.

I'm your brother.

What?

Are you still mad at me?

But did you finish
cleaning the piranha tank?

Oh, oh gotta poop.

Oh and don't forget,

you go anywhere near that door,

I'll have to kill ya.

Oh.

Oh, and can you bring
some fresh coffee?

No Daddy?

You don't have to do this.

I have so much to do.

I have so much to do.

Please, please.

You don't have to do this.

Please, please, please.

Please!

I have so much to do.

Oh and
I can't wait to see

what's gonna happen with that.

Oh no, no.

La la la la la.

Look, I do not want
to hear that, okay?

I'm only up to
season four, damn it.

Girl, I'm am insulted.

You think I'm over here
trying to spill details,

trying to spill
the show details?

All right, you're right.

Fran, you think I'm
over here dropping spoilers?

Okay look, now
you're being silly.

You're being silly.

No, this is ridiculous.

You're ridiculous.

Stop it.

You stop it.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay.
Okay.

Seriously though, I'm
just gonna go home,

I'm gonna binge the whole thing,

I'm gonna be so caught up.

Hashtag a stay cay.

Boo, how long
is that gonna take?

'Cause the series
finale drops tonight

and I don't know how long I
can keep everything to myself.

Okay, well you better
because I will murder you.

I hate, hate hate spoilers.

You and me both.

Shit.

Hey, hang on.

Oh god.

Maggie, is it like cloudy
where you are or foggy?

Maggie?

Maggie.

Shit.

Oh my god, oh shit.

Hello, Fran?

Girl, I can't hear you.

Are you still there?

Francesca, hello?

Fran.

Fran?

I have so much to do.

Oh. Oh don't even trip.

I'll call you tomorrow, bitch.

Peace.

Previously on
Battle of Mages.

Jay
Battle, are you ready?

I was
born ready, bro.

Hey.

I said hey!

That's my body.

I.

Hate.

Spoilers.

Mother!

McGuffin?

Oh, sorry.

I didn't see you.

Wait, McGuffin?

McMuffin.

Do you want a McMuffin?

What are you doing
with that tape?

What are you doing with it?

It's my friend Baron's film,
he told me to watch it.

So I wrote "watch me" on
it so I wouldn't forget.

Oh no, you saw
inside, didn't you?

I mean not much.

But you saw it.

So you know.

Oh yeah, you know.

You know too much.

Cat's out of the bag.

Well, it was supposed
to be a surprise.

You know, best new employee.

Best new friend.

Now it's ruined.

You like cake?

You know what my least
favorite horror trope is?

It's when there's
some blathering idiot

and he's not paying any
attention to his surroundings

and somebody sneaks
up and just--

Welcome.

What the hell is going on here?

You little fucker.

You were behind this?

This makes zero sense.

I put you through my
entire orientation.

Who would do
something like that?

Her.

Come on,

no, no.

What about the blonde girl?

It's horror logic.

The new guy.

I'm gonna need that key back.

And you're fired.

I love that little man.

There's nothing we
could have done.

She's right.

Look, they got guns and
guards and god knows what else

beyond those doors.

But I thought the dragon
lady was his sister?

No, Jamie and Cersei
are brother and sister,

Dany's his aunt.

Oh okay, so it's
like good incest?

There's no such,
there's not a thing

that's called good incest.

Never mind, look.

Jon's dad, Rhaegar, is
Dany's older brother.

I thought Jon was Sean,

is it Sean Bean or
was Liam Neeson kid?

You mean Ned Stark?
Yeah.

No, Ned know his
true lineage but,

it didn't matter,
he kept it a secret.

He brought Jon home, pretended
he was his bastard kid.

Cat didn't even know the truth.

There was a cat?

I love cats.

Fuck you, man.

Caitlyn, Ned's wife.

Hi, doll, aren't you a cutie?

Come on in here.

My name's Dixie.

Can I get you a beverage
of some kind, tonic water,

seltzer water, Topo Chico?

Well just step on
up here, darling.

Here you go.

Here we are, up
on the treadmill.

Okay, are we ready?

Ready for what exactly?

Okay, we're limber,
ready to run.

That's what I mean.

Need a little stretching,
you ready to run?

Okay.

Bring in the Devil's
Lake Impaler.

Devil's what?

You'll see.

Look, I don't know
what to tell you, bro,

I just like woke up here.

I was first that was
like, 90 minutes ago?

90 minutes?

Horror logic.

Jock.

Stoner.

Right?

Yeah.

Slut.

Excuse me?

Whoa, man.

That's not cool.

No, I don't need your protection

but I don't need your
ignorant bullshit either.

It was the 80s,
it's not my fault.

And uh.

You sure you want to do this?

I was gonna say British.

Did I hear a slight accent?

Which would you
make you final girl.

Well then who the hell are you?

Well I am obviously the
know it all horror guy.

That's not really like a stock
horror character, though.

Yeah, it is.

Randy from Scream.

Any hoo, what is
important here, people,

is that we

are in a horror movie!

Nobody?

Horror.

Horror movie.

Pretty scary, huh?

I don't know man,
I'm getting more

like a Breakfast Club vibe.

We are literally locked in
this room against our will.

Exactly.

Start running, he's
gonna chase ya.

Okay.

There you go, nice nice.

I like this.

You're doing a good job.

There you go.

Yeah just keep on going.

Oh.

I, I asthma, asthma.

So it's--

I'm sure it was the asthma.

It's fine, air
quality these days.

Yeah.

That's a shame.

Okay.

Keep going 'cause he's
gonna keep chasing ya,

he's a murderer.

Just keep on running,
there you go.

Oh, there's another one.

Look, the longer we all
sit here doing nothing,

the more likely we
all get slaughtered.

Slaughtered?

Slaughtered, body slashed,

I haven't figured out
what kind of subgenre

we're dealing with yet.

Oh hell, no.

What the fuck, man?

Nobody's getting slaughtered

and we're not in a horror film.

That's because we are in
John Hughes' teen classic.

None of this is helping anybody.

Jock always takes the
lead, total trope.

I'm getting a headache.

Christine, faster.

Listen to her, come on.

Pick it up, pick
it up, pick it up.

He's gonna get ya.

And another one.

Great job, honey.

Fascinating.

Aerys the second,
Dany's dad, Jon's granddad,

was king, he went a little
nuts, started killing fools.

Including Ned's
father and brother.

Now, some of the
houses rebelled,

Starks, Tullys,
, Baratheons,

now the battle of the Trident,

Robert Baratheon who was
betrothed to Lyanna Stark,

Jon's actual birth mother,
ended up killing Rhaegar,

who everyone believed kidnapped
Lyanna against her will

and during the whole
rebellion, Tywin Lannister,

the Hand of the King,
also turned on Aaerys.

Tywin is the father of
Tyrion and the twins.

The twins?

The sibling fuckers.

Oh yeah, the good incest.

There's not,
there's no good incest,

no good incest.

Moving on, so Aearys
ordered Jamie, a Kingsguard

at the time, to kill his
own dad for the betrayal.

Jamie was like I'll kill you
instead you crazy bastard,

and he stabbed him in the back.

Whoa, that's fucked up.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

You're watching HBO, bitch.

It's not TV.

Security breached.

Warning.

Security breach.

My little panda bear,
what has happened to you?

Run.

Damn mess.

I got to get out of here.

A bunsen burner.

Hey, you're not gonna
want to follow him.

Why?

Hey, follow final girl.

What the hell are
you guys doing?

Jon Snow.

Was that a treadmill?

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh god.

This shit is fucked up.

Are we all now in agreement

about this whole
horror movie thing?

When placed within 14 meters
of any American made car,

the engine will not start
in 17 out of 18 cases.

Hey, where'd you guys
get your flashlights?

I brought mine.

Whoa, you guys.

Check this out.

That killer dude who's
like doing all that stuff,

it's the Devils Lake Impaler.

Who?

He's this psychopath who
killed like 11 people.

But he's actually
a really good dude.

Yeah, he's the best.

I mean he like was
a really good dude.

I saw it on a Forensics
Files episode,

he was like in this
Big Brother program

for this eight year
old cancer kid.

He even donated his lungs
to help save the kid's life.

You can't donate
both your lungs.

All right well, like, okay,

well he like saved
him or whatever

but then in some like fraternity
hazing ritual gone awry,

the kid died.

The kid was in college,
like a Doogie Howser thing?

What?

No, like the fraternity did it.

What are you, no.

Anyway, the point is
that, the kid died

and the Devils Lake Impaler,

or like I guess at this point

his name was just like
Damon or something,

he just like totally snapped

and he started killing
all the frat brothers

one by one in the most
horrific was imaginable.

Whoa.

And they say that he
took off all the faces

of the frat bros and now
he wears them as a mask.

Resourceful.

I bet they're banging
it out right now.

Who?

The uh, promiscuous
girl and the jock.

I bet they're slapping skinnies.

You know, the skin
and the squirrel,

smoking the Gouda.

It's a horror trope.

Did you hear that?

It's coming toward us.

20 meters.

Where'd the hell
you get that gun?

15 meters.

10.

Five meters.

Dicks.

Nameless, faceless girl.

I'm really surprised
she lasted this long.

Her name was
Christine, you asshole.

She taught kindergarten.

She's kind of hot.

Take that tracker thing
off, it's on her arm.

It's off.

Oh god.

Let's get out of here.

Go.

Get, love of.

Oh my god.

Fuck.

Oh my god, fuck.

This is a lot deeper
than I thought.

Let me help you up.

No I got it, I got it, I got it.

Can you even walk?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Alrighty then, I'll follow you.

Jesus.

What the fuck?

Guys, I'm pretty sure
something bad happened here.

Yeah, no shit.

If you people want to
live, come with me.

Joe Bob Briggs.

It's time to get the
hell out of Dodge.

Come on.

Mr. Briggs, um, Joe Bob,

I just have to tell you
I am your biggest fan.

I actually saw my first
set of boobs on your show.

Son, what is your name?

Chad Buckley.

Okay, listen, Brad.

You know it's a horror film,
I know it's a horror film,

they know, but they don't know.

We have to get them out of here.

That is our only goal right now.

Can you help me with that?

You called me son.

Do you think we'll
be best friends

or best best friends?

Do you like slumber parties--

Do you know what you are, Brad?

You're the personification
of what the internet

did to film criticism.

Thank you.

What the hell?

You threw a cat?

It was walking
around, I'm sorry.

I don't know, I thought
I could help it.

I got afraid.

That doesn't work,
I already tried.

Oh it works, you
just need a badge.

Access granted.

See, isn't he the coolest?

I told you they had sex.

Dude, seriously.

I'm sorry to disappoint
you, but I'm a virgin.

You can't be a virgin.

She's the virgin.

Nope, definitely not a virgin.

Are you sure?

I mean I don't know
how it all works but.

What the hell?

You have to a be virgin, final
girls are always a virgin

so you have to be a virgin.

Huh, impaler.

I get it.

Whatever you do don't touch

the emergency security system.
Self destruct

sequence activated.

Alarm, alarm.

10 minutes till
self destruction.

Yeah, this is bad.

Alarm alarm.

Alarm alarm.

Alarm alarm

alarm alarm.

So, what now?

It will be okay.

Yes, Tweedledum here has
locked down the building

and cut off our only way out.

But I can override it.

Do not let Brad
touch anything else.

Love you, Dad.

Alarm alarm.

Guys, this is Joe Bob
Briggs we're talking about.

He is an absolute legend.

He has forgotten
more about horror

than I could ever
even hope to know.

There is nothing to worry about.

How does any of that
help us right now?

Stabilizing.

See, what did I tell ya?

Joe Bob is the man.

No!

Can you just leave?

Just rest up, my sweet prince,

and let your worries
just float away.

Like the blood currently
leaving your organs.

Brad.

Yes, pa pa?

Closer.

Closer.

You're a moron.

Okay, yeah.

I thought you were gonna
something a little different.

I guess it's true
what momma said,

never met your heroes,
or your father.

We have to go.

No, you have to go.

This is my destiny.

Don't mess with the bull, man,

or you get the horns.

Fuck yeah, Chad.

It's probably how
he wanted to go.

So you're the final girl, huh?

That's cool.

Please
evacuate immediately.

Goodbye.

Come on.

We need to make a plan.

What would happen in
a horror movie now?

I don't know, the only
one I really remember

is that Friday the 13th
one with Cory Feldman.

The Lost Boys dude?

No, that's Cory Haim.

Pretty sure that's
License to Drive.

No, oh.

Whoa.

Does this make me final boy?

Focus, he's gonna
be here any minute.

We need a plan.

Cory Feldman.

I think I have a plan.

What the fuck?

I rewound.

Owie!

Hey, Damon.

It's me, Jimmy.

Don't you remember me?

I beat the cancer.

Can you believe it?

Those frat guys were
so mean but I made it,

I got away and I
beat the cancer.

Holy shit, it actually worked.

We did it.

Yes, we did it!

Oh we're alive!

Oh god, we're alive.

That was so crazy.

Did you see that?

Oh my god, what if he hugged me?

Guess we could have taken
this the whole time.

Huh, well I really wish
you thought of that before.

Fuck.

What?

It's not starting.

When
placed within 14 meters

of any American made car,
the engine will not start...

14 meters.

What?

That's what they were doing
back there, testing shit.

He's gotta be 14 meters
away or it won't start.

Oh fuck, I've gotta move him.

Oh fuck no!

Come on.

Jesus Christ!

I don't want to touch that dude.

Fuck!

Hey, don't be the final boy.

Be the final man.

All right.

How big is a meter?

Okay.

He's dead!

He's passed away.

Jesus!

Shit.

He's heavy.

Okay, all right.

Try again.

Oh god, I gotta split.

I made it!

I made it till the end.

We have to go.
No, we have to go.

You're hurt.
What are you doing?

Let me help you.

What are you doing?

Don't worry, it's not,
I don't actually smoke.

It's my job.

No.