Say It Isn't So (2001) - full transcript

Looking at this picture,

I know you might be thinking:

"Sure looks like a lonely place to be,
way up there".

If indeed you were, I'd have to disagree.

Truth is, when you stop to ponder it,

there's really no such thing
as a lonely place,

just lonely people.

That's what I believe.

You can be lonely any place:

up on a rooftop,

at a big family shindig,



in a football stadium,
with 60,000 other humans all around,

or even in a small town,

like Shelbyville, Indiana.

Now, I'm not saying
there's anything wrong with it.

In fact, loneliness is what ensures
the propagation of our species.

I think that's why most people get married.

Because they're lonely,

horny or out of money.

But mostly cos they're just damn lonely.

Of course,

that is one hell of a milk-toast reason
to link up with one person

for the rest of your existence.

But, people do it every day.

They give in to their loneliness.



And the next thing they know,

they're trapped.

Perhaps, I'm being too picky.

I talked to this counselor once.

He told me that the fact

I was raised in an orphanage
has rendered me afraid of abandonment,

and therefore fearful of commitment.

Now, you can tell by my tone,
I don't think much of his opinion.

I'm ready to commit,

just as soon as I find that
one woman I can't live without.

That one woman that gives me
goose bumps all over.

I simply refuse to settle
for anything less,

like most people seem to do.

Like my boss,

Larry.

Be a sport, will you?

I missed Ruthie's birthday
dinner last night

and she's making my life
hell in a handbasket.

I know she'll go easier on me
if you're there.

Come on now, Gilly.

Do me this.

Bring her a puppy, Larry.
She'll love that.

What the hell is this?

It's a Russian Pomeranian, Larry.

Nah, I don't wanna put
any American dogs outta work.

Come on now, Gilly.

Be a friend. Come on over.

I don't know, Larry.

- Last time I--
- Thanks, buddy.

A slice of family life and some home
cooking will do your heart good.

Bring some wine coolers.

We'll make it a wingding.

This is fine cuisine, Mrs. P.

It's takeout, Gilly.

From Pizza Hut.

Larry hates my cooking.

That's not true, Ruthie.
You know, I--

That's why he never comes home for dinner.

I've never home for dinner because
I'm out there busting my ass.

If you're busting your ass,

how come it's the size of
a goddamn beanbag chair?

If you put out once in a while,

maybe, I wouldn't be seeking
carnal pleasure in food.

All right!

Call me old-fashioned,

but I don't think a child should ever
be made to picture her parents humping.

I don't tell you about my sex life.

You're not having sex.

Are you having sex?

Cher, tell Daddy you're kidding.

She's kidding.

She doesn't even have a boyfriend.

You don't need to have a boyfriend
to be having sex.

I'm just saying that
a boy doesn't have to be a friend

to be nibbling my package.

What? Are you--

I think she's saying she's a whore, Pop.

- Buddy!
- Pervert!

I am not.

I'm just popular.

Like Gilly here.

He doesn't have a girlfriend,
but I'll bet he's having sex.

Well, occasionally, sure, but...

Well, it's really, I believe in...

waiting till one is married before--

How come you don't have
a girlfriend, anyhow?

My Dad says, it's because
you're confused about your sexuality.

No, no, I never said that.

I believe the term he used was "fagnostic".

- Right. Fagnostic.
- Larry!

That's it.
Go to your room, you two.

- Why?
- What? Why?

Well, she's just repeating what you said.

You always take her side.

You let her do whatever she pleases,
just like getting her ears pierced.

- Now, look.
- You try to stop her.

I got my ears pierced
because I like it, OK?

And I got these pierced because I hate you!

Hey, that was you on the Internet.

I am sick of being treated
like dirty bath water.

And I am out there chasing poodles all day,

so she can drive around
in a brand-new Saturn.

Fully loaded!

The usual, hon.

I mean, this kinda thing makes a man
wanna bludgeon his family...

and going on three-day drunk.

That's pretty serious talk, Larry.

Maybe, you should be speaking
to a professional about these things.

You mean a hit man?

No, no, man.

That's the easiest way to get caught.

Unless you did it.

I was talking about a shrink, Larry.

Get real, man.

- That's for crazy people.
- There you go, hon.

Hey, maggots.

Hey, Stewart.

What the hell happened to your hair?

You like it?

I just got it cut.

By the most beautiful woman...

on the face of God's green earth.

Looks pretty weird.

Yeah, thanks.

She called it...

a European cut.

Says it draws attention away from my ears.

What'd she use?
A fucking chisel?

Who the hell cares?

I'm telling you, she's well worth
the price of a hat.

She's new, over at Mega Kutz.

You know, I can't trust
the opinion of a guy...

who scrapes up road kill
off a highway for a living.

You can trust me with this one.

Mm, man, she got the face of an angel.

Just, I don't know. Just...

gives you goose bumps all over,
you know?

♪ I've been searching for you ♪

♪ At the wrong times ♪

♪ And I just can't win ♪

♪ But I try ♪

♪ To find you ♪

♪ I try ♪

♪ To find you ♪

♪ You have left ♪

♪ The most beautiful hand-print ♪

♪ And I am melting away ♪

♪ You have left ♪

♪ The most beautiful hand-print ♪

♪ And I am melting away ♪

Like it?

- Yeah.
- Who's next?

Um...

- right here.
- Come here.

So, how do you like it?

Oh, you know, just...

just like it is,
only not quite so long.

So, you want it shorter, then?

Yeah, shorter. I...

I think shorter is the way to go.

So, you cut a lot of hair?

Uh...

I guess so.

I mean, I've been working here
a month or so, ever since I moved back.

Oh, so you're not from--

Uh, where, where are you from?

Oh, I'm from here.

Yeah, I was living in Oregon for a while.
Beaver, Oregon.

But then, I moved back because
I had to help out with my daddy.

He had stroke number two
and he's paralyzed now, so...

Ow! That's a...

That's a shame. It truly is.

Well, it's his own damn fault.
He's so tense all the time.

It's like he's got fire ants
running through his veins.

Ah!

Oh, I'm sorry!

How's that? Um...

I'm sorry.

What did you say your name was?

Actually, I didn't.

It's Gilly.

OK, Gilly.

I'm Jo.

Could you hold that there for me?

How's that for length?

Beautiful.

So, I see you have a cat.

Well, I had a cat.

He ran away two weeks ago
and I haven't heard from him since.

Oh, he'll be back.
You know cats.

I've had him since he was a pup. And...

I don't know what I'd do
without my little Ringo.

Ringo?

Well, that must be a pretty
popular name for a cat these days.

It is?

I work down at the animal shelter and
I just took in a cat yesterday named Ringo.

Too bad this Ringo's missing a tail.

- That's my cat!
- Ah!

- Hey, watch the corner!
- Yeah, yeah.

- She said put him in ER 4.
- All right, let's go.

Gilly!

Are you OK?

Were, were they able to sew it back on?

No, but they tell me
I'm first in line for an ear donor.

You lying sack!

Well, listen.
What are you doing tonight?

Just, just healing, mostly.

Why don't you come over to my house?
And I'll cook you dinner.

- And you can bring Ringo.
- Oh, but...

Now, listen, Jo.

I don't want you to feel like
you owe me dinner

just because I found your cat
and you cut off my ear.

Well, I do owe you dinner.
Now, just say yes.

Or else, I just might
cut off your other ear.

OK.
- Yeah, 6.30's great.

Uh, 6:30?

Yes, 6:30 is great.

And don't worry because I'm a much
better cook than I am a hairstylist.

I just don't know why
you're doing this, anyway.

- Doing what?
- Whoa whoa.

Cooking dinner for this fella.

You oughta be fixing dinner for Jack.

You know, the man who wants to marry you,

not some dog-catcher
who makes 18 grand a year

and comes home smelling like
cat piss every night.

- Promise me, you'll be polite.
- Well, of course, I'll be polite.

Of course, I'll be polite.

Gosh!

Jack called again today.

I talked to him for a long time. He...

he asked me why did you leave him?

Now, I wish you would tell him,

because for the light of me,
I can't make any sense out of it.

Are you listening to me?

- Hold on.
- Oh.

Would you just put the thing down.

You listen to me now.

Good men are few and far
between in this world.

When you find yourself a keeper,

the way I found your sweet pop out there,

then you grab ahold of him...

and you treat him the way
he wants to be treated.

- Valdine!
- What?

Valdine.

Valdine!

What is it, gimpy?

I want a beer, goddammit.

Now, look, you curb your language

or I'm gonna take this Voc-a-lator 3000
right back to Wal-Mart.

You hear me?

Jeez!

Mm!

What in the name of God, God?

- I was watching that.
- Yeah, I bet you were.

You've just had a stroke.
Do you want another one?

- I want you to stay calm.
- Get me a goddamn beer.

Gilly!

Ringo!

Oh, all right, oh.

All the dogs at the animal shelter
chipped in for a little going-away present.

Well, thank them for me, and thank you.

Oh.

Just doing my job.

How's your ear?

Oh.

It's OK. I got all
the pus drained out of it.

Oh.

Close the goddamn door.

You have a robot?

Um, Daddy, I'd like you
to meet Gilly Noble.

Uh, it's a pleasure to meet you,
Mr Wingfield.

He's a little shy around strangers.

I'm gonna get Ringo some half-and-half.

OK.

So.

Oh, golf, huh?

It seems every time I play,
I get Tourette's syndrome.

You know? Fore! Pew!

Shit, damn, crap.

Fore! Shit, damn, crap.

Hey, dork.

Turn it to Channel 7, dipshit.

Oh.

You can say "dipshit" with that thing.

That's neat.

Come on, have some more.

You probably don't eat this well
very often on your salary.

Mama, leave him alone.

Aw, that's OK, Jo.

Um.

I'll find room.

So, Willy, what do they pay you
down there for gassing strays?

Uh, no, ma'am, I don't gas them.

Oh, what do you do?
Hit them with a bat?

Uh, no, I...

I, I meant I'm not the one
who actually puts them to sleep.

I, uh, I, I couldn't do that.

And um...

well, as for the pay, it's not much,
but it plays into my long-term career goal.

Which is?

I wanna be a veterinarian.

You'd be a great vet.

Doctor Noble.

Thanks, but...

it's not gonna be easy.

Four more years at the junior college
and I'll have my two-year degree.

And then I'll transfer over to State,

and with a BA in general studies,

I should be able to get into
any vet school in Mexico.

Sounds foolproof.

If Gilly says he's gonna be a vet,

then I believe he's gonna be a vet.

Excuse me a minute.

Care for a taste of my pie?

No, thanks. I'm full.

Suit yourself.

I'm gonna have a slice.

Easy on the corns, Dr Dolittle.

The Lord,

our Lord,

has blessed me with
the divine gifts of tracking,

finding, and retrieving.

Come on, Vic. Just tell me
what you have so far.

I'll tell you what I got.

Now, I'm about 90 per cent on this.

But, I believe that
your birth mother is still alive

and living somewhere in the local area.

And her name is...

Suki Yamaguchi.

That sounds a little um...

Japanese-y...

to me.

This detective, Vic Vetter,
is looking for my family.

But so far, no luck.

What if you find out you're the son
of the guy who invented shoe polish?

You'd be rich.

Nah.

I wouldn't care if he just shined
shoes for a living, you know?

Not having a family's left a big,
empty space inside of me.

It's really important that I find them.

You will.

This is the first time I've ever
been up here with anyone.

You don't like it up here, do you?

No, no, it's fine.
It's fine.

Just being here reminds me of a bad time.

I was seven and...

we had to put our dog Humpy to sleep.

I still haven't gotten over it.

It's ridiculous, I know.

No, that's not ridiculous at all.

Every Friday, I see animals
being put to sleep here.

And I wish that I could take them
all home with me, but I can't.

And every time one of those animals dies,

I feel like a part of me dies too.

About a year ago, I wrote this poem

that I recite to all the dogs
before they go.

It helps me and...

I like to think it helps them too.

I'd love to hear it.

No, it's not very good.

I don't care.

OK.

O noble creature

The time has come

For the two of us to part

And for you to go to a better place

A place deep inside my heart

A place where you'll be free to run

After a car or a bouncing ball

So go, noble creature

Through that doggy door

And fetch a stick that's thrown by God

And wag thy tail for ever more

While a friendly voice repeats:

"Good dog".

"Good dog".

So that's it.

And after I read it, I...

usually fire off a one-gun salute with a...

pistol we keep here at the shelter.

I know it sounds silly, but...

It doesn't sound silly.

♪ When the daylight's gone ♪

♪ And you're on your own ♪

♪ And you need a friend ♪

♪ Just to be around ♪

♪ I will comfort you ♪

♪ I will take your hand ♪

♪ And I'll pull you through ♪

♪ I will understand ♪

♪ And you know that ♪

♪ I'll be at your side ♪

♪ There's no need to worry ♪

♪ Together we'll survive ♪

♪ Through the haste and hurry ♪

♪ I'll be at your side ♪

♪ When you feel like you're alone ♪

♪ And you've nowhere to turn ♪

- ♪ I'll be at your side ♪
- Help.

Very funny.

♪ If life's standing still ♪

♪ And your soul's confused ♪

♪ And you cannot find ♪

♪ What road to choose ♪

♪ And you know that ♪

♪ I'll be at your side ♪

This is a great day.

It was a good idea.

- Shall we have the champagne?
- No. Um...

let's wait till later.

You know, the day I cut your ear off,

I never dreamed we'd be
spending six months together.

Yeah, that is pretty funny.

I've had such a good time with you,
just hanging out, having fun.

No strings attached.

Most guys are so possessive.

You know, they talk about marriage
before the first year is even up.

There was this one schmuck,

he actually went out and
he got a plane and a banner.

It was so lame.

Talk about pressure.

I'd love to, Gilly.

Love to what?

I'd love to marry you.

That's my uncle Joe's plane up there.

Joseph Wingfield is your uncle.

I'm named after him.

You know,

it probably should have occurred to me.

Boy, you don't quit, do you?

Oh.

Oh, that's it. That's the spot.

Oh, oh, hey, don't go back there.

We gotta save some for the honeymoon.

What are you saying, Gilly?

Nothing. Um...

I was just messing around with Ringo.

Hey, Jo.

Who's Jack?

What Jack?

You know.

On-your-ass Jack.

Mm. Well...

he's my ex-boyfriend from Oregon.

I've been meaning to get it removed.

You're not jealous, are you?

Because you know, you're the one with
the half-naked Suzanne Somers over his bed.

Come on.

Now, don't bad-mouth Suzanne.

She got me through
my awkward teenage years.

Do you mean you beat off to her?

Not to brag, but...

up to five times a day.

Wow.

Do you wanna try to break that record?

Mm.

Hey, it's Gilly.
Leave a message.

Hey, Noble.

It's Vic.

And I know it's early,
but are you there, buddy?

Pick up.

- I got a package in the mail.
- I love you, Jo.

- Surprise! I found your mother.
- I love you, Gilly.

I touched all the bases on this one.

I'm 110 per cent sure.

Your mother's name is Valdine Wingfield.

Wingfield. Wingfield. Wingfield.

You gotta understand.

I had just had little Jo
and we were strapped for cash

and then I found out
I was pregnant again...

with you!

Old R2-D2 couldn't keep it
in his pants back then.

And now, he can't even wipe his own ass.

Oh.

I just didn't know how
I was gonna feed everybody,

and you were such a hungry child.

I figured the best thing to do
was to give you away.

You know, to somebody who wouldn't
resent you for your burden.

I mean, one of you had to go
and Jo was already house-broke.

This can't be happening.

I know how difficult this must be for you.

But just think how lucky you are that
you found out before it was too late,

before you got married and...

consummated this forbidden relationship.

Sweet Lord!
You ponied your sister.

Oh, my God!

Hey, maggot.

- What are you doing' out here?
- Nothing.

What you got there?

Well, I'd say Cougar.

What do you think, Wingfield?

It's a coyote, Stewart.

There are no cougars in Indiana.

Hell, I'm talking about the car.

Looks like Cougar tread.

I used to work in a Tyre store, you know?

Yeah?

Well, I used to work at the animal shelter.

Hey, Gilly, you know I had no choice.

Know how it feels when newspapers
call you the boss of a sister-fucker?

Whole damn town thinks
I'm running a sister-fuckeria.

Could have stuck by me, Larry.

It was gonna blow over.

Come on, Gilly.
Who are you shitting?

Now, not that I blame you.
I mean...

if I had a sister that looked like that...

whoa!

Wham-bam-thank-you-sis!

You're right about that.

You know?

I'd say, sister or no,

I'd still like to get a crack at her.

Well, that is, if she ever comes back.

Is she still up in Oregon?

As far as I know.

All right, maggots! Chop chop!

Dearest Gilly,

I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye.

I just couldn't face you
after all that's happened.

The feelings that once seemed so right
became in an instant so wrong.

Though it pains me to say it,
we must never see each other again.

And though we must never
forget the love we shared,

we must, like noble creatures,
move on to another plane.

♪ Oh, it feels so right ♪

♪ I feel lucky tonight ♪

♪ I'm gambling my heart ♪

Valdine?

Valdine!

What? I'm busy.

Put lots of salt on that sandwich.

You want a lot of salt?

Yes.

Here you are, honey.
Nice and salty.

Thank you.

Hey, Gilly.

How was your day at work?

I don't know.
It was pretty slow.

- Just snakes, mostly.
- Oh.

Well, dinner's almost ready.

I made that nice chicken thing you like.

Hey, Dad.

I thought you were gonna get a haircut.

Now, Walter, hush.

Gilly's been through a lot.

Including his own sister.

I'd better get it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

How are you?

How's Jack?

Yeah, good, good.

Oh, he's fine.

He's been through a lot,
but he's hanging in there.

I know you miss him.

But guess what.

He's regained the use
of both of his arms now.

Uh-huh.

Both of them. You know,
they move both every which way.

All right.

OK, well, what is it?

You're getting married?

Oh, Jo-Jo, that is so wonderful!

Oh! It's Jo-Jo.

She and Jack are getting married!

Oh, my God.
Isn't that wonderful?

Sweetheart, I am really,
really happy for you.

I am.

OK, sure.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Bye-bye.

Yes! Yes, sweet Jesus!

The Wingfields have arrived!

Uh-huh., uh-huh., uh-huh..

I'm rich, I'm rich, uh-huh.

Talking to you, mama!

Oh, yeah! Come on!

- Pervert!
- Gilly, how's your sister?

Na Ni Na Ni Na Na.

Jo knew you'd understand why
she couldn't possibly invite you.

I know.

I think you should be happy
for your sister.

Oh, hell.

After what you put her through,

it's a wonder she didn't quit the sausage
and become a vaginatarian.

Oh, good God.

Gilly, listen.

Things are really looking up for her.

She's got a little beauty parlor up there,

and she's got herself a guy
who's crazy about her,

and, quite frankly, a guy who's
a millionaire several times over.

Oh, quit babying the boy, Valdine.

He banged his own sister,
for Christ's sakes.

What do you want?
To give him a medal?

Listen to me.

This could be a whole new start for us all.

So, I want you to keep your chin up.

Do you know what the Bible says
about fucking your own sister?

Don't!

Hush up, droopy.

He's my baby,

my precious gift from God.

I'll get it.

I baked you some ginger snaps.
They're cooling on the stove.

What do you want?

Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Wingfield.

My name is Leon Pitofsky.

- Uh--
- Oh, my God.

- Did I come at a bad time? I--
- No.

It's just, you look...

remarkably like my dear husband...

when he was a much younger man.

Well...

that stands to reason, ma'am.

Look at this.

It's all there.

Blood tests,
hospital records, DNA.

Oh, look. Here's your signature,
giving up your rights to me.

Oh, my Lord.

Then it's true. You...

you are my son.

I've finally found you, Mama!

Well, if he's your son, then...

who the hell's this sack of shit?

I'll tell you who he is.

He's a grifter.

He's a shyster that's just for freeloading
in this house for a solid year!

- Oh, wait. Mom.
- I knew it.

Get outta my house, you goddamn hippie!

Hippie?

Whoa, hold on.

Walter, get that impostor outta here.

Dad, relax.

Hey, buddy, you heard my mama.

Now get the hell out.

All right, all right.

Shrink, get your hands off my daddy,
you bastard!

Oh! Oh!

Walter! He's having another stroke.

Dad, what's the problem?

- Oh.
- Call 911.

My God! You!

- You can get the--
- What?

Get the police!
I'll have this grifter arrested!

Yes, police.

We all get an ambulance!

♪ Thought I saw you running ♪

♪ With the west wind in your face ♪

♪ You were out on the beach screaming ♪

♪ That we are a human race ♪

♪ There was someone who was watching you ♪

♪ They were laughing in the sun ♪

♪ They were feeling that the day was fine ♪

♪ And the living had begun ♪

♪ What does it mean now? ♪

♪ What does it mean now? ♪

♪ What does it mean now? ♪

♪ Yeah, you'd be giving it all away ♪

♪ Away ♪

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Mr. Magoo!

You knocked my freaking legs off, daddy.
Were you even looking at the road?

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God! I've never hit
anyone before, all right?

Well, I'm glad to be your first.
Hope I was gentle.

Now, be a friend and fetch
my getaway sticks, daddy.

Your what? What?
What do you--?

My legs, captain, my legs!

Oh, shit.

Less faeces, more fetching.

Get over here and get it, boy.

I gotta straighten this damn thing.

It's bent all...

- to hell!
- Watch out, watch out.

Watch out?

Boy, that is a hell of a thing
for you to say to me.

Well, in all fairness,
you were in the middle of the road.

Well, how else was I
supposed to flag you down?

I was a desperate man.

Another 20 minutes and them bloodthirsty
mosquitoes woulda sucked me dry.

How long have you been out here?

Oh, about two hours.

My airplane ran outta gas.
I had to land in a clearing.

You're a pilot?

You're goddamn right, I'm a pilot.

My card, right there.

"The Big Dig"?

That's right.

Dig McCaffrey.

I make a lot of coin flying
those gigs nobody else wants.

Take sportsmen out to the bush,

fly banners over supermarket openings,

crop-dusting.

Hey, I'll fly up your ass
if the money's right.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Do you think I oughta put that on my card?

So, where am I taking you?

As close to Beaver as you can get.

And a man as sexy and fertile as me
likes to stay close to the beaver.

That's a good one, ain't it?

That's right where I'm headed.

Say, you look like
you're dragging there, chief.

Why don't you let me drive?

- Oh, no, that's fine.
- I'm wired.

Nothing like getting bounced off
a bumper to put a cat on full tilt.

So, where's your launch pad, Kerouac?

My what?

Where you from, baby?
Where you from?

Oh.

I'm from Indiana.

You remind me of a fella
I knew down in El Paso...

during my import-export days.

Never been there.

So, who's the skirt?

- How did you know that I was--?
- Dig knows many things, baby.

Plus you got that look of a man with
a diamond engagement ring on his pinkie.

Oh, yeah.

About a year ago,
she was the love of my life.

Then I found out she was my sister.

Then, about three days ago--

Dig! Dig!

Woo hoo!

Just a little case of the white-line fever,
that's all, baby!

Dig just needs a little music.
Rock and roll, baby!

I'd like to see somebody fall
asleep to this shit here.

Ted Nugent!

♪ When in doubt I whip it out ♪

♪ I got me a rock 'n' roll band ♪

♪ It's a free-for-all ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na Na Na Na ♪

Hey, Dig!

- Hey!
- Hey, man.

Are you crazy?

I'm wired like a microwave, baby!

♪ Here we go, look out below ♪

♪ I'm on the prowl tonight ♪

♪ When it's said and done I have my fun ♪

♪ I can chew anything I bite ♪

♪ Come one, come all to a midnight ball ♪

♪ The invitation's there ♪

♪ I come alone and I'm driving home ♪

♪ I'm healthy ♪

Well...

before we depart,

I want you to know two things, El Paso.

One:

I am one-eighth Chippewa Indian.

And when you save the life of a Chippewa,
it must be paid back tenfold.

I owe you big time.

Oh, that's not necessary,

- but thank you, Dig.
- No, no, no.

Heap big.
Heap big, daddy.

I appreciate everything
you done for me. I do.

What was the other thing?

Hm?

You said you wanted me to know two things.

No, I, I don't think I said that.
I, I was saying um--

Oh! Oh, yeah.

When you find that sister of yours,

you get outta this town, ASAP.

Some spooky cats around here.

What kinda spooky cats?

The kind with money and power.

That sounds like the kinda guy Jo is with.

Ooh.

Well, good luck flipping that coin, daddy.

I'll see you later, El Paso.

Oh, oh, Dig.
Thanks for not suing me.

A pleasure being hit by
a man of your caliber.

- Beaver Police.
- Yes.

My name is Valdine Wingfield and
I'm calling from Shelbyville, Indiana.

I'd like to report a sexual predator.

His name is Gilbert Noble.

He assaulted his own sister.

And I'm afraid he's still very dangerous.

And he's on his way to Beaver
right this very minute.

His own sister, huh?

You know, I didn't know
Jo Wingfield had a brother.

Isn't that sweet?

Do you have a description
of the pervert man?

Actually, I can do a lot better than that.

I have his mug shot of him,

taken just last year when he was arrested
protesting for animal rights.

Oh, sounds like a bad apple.

That's great, ma'am.
Why don't you fax that over?

Listen.

I'd rather this didn't get back to Jo.

She and Jack have so much on their minds,
what with the big wedding. I...

I'd appreciate you being
discreet about this.

Absolutely, ma'am.

Beaver Police are known
for their discretion.

What can you've done for me, lately?

- Enough foe, didn't you?
- Well, finished.

- Are you comfortable, Mrs. Hartunian?
- Yeah.

- How you doing? How's your family?
- Oh, fine.

So, would you like
the standard bikini wax?

Oh, no.

I'm going to Hawaii with my husband.

Better landscape the whole yard.

So...

do you ever miss cutting hair, Jo?

Oh, no, not really.
I mean...

my heart wasn't into it,
like it is with bikini waxing.

I guess you could say that...

some people are cutters and,
and some people are yankers.

And I was just born to yank.

Gilly?

Mama, how could you not have told me
that he was heading this way?

I'm sorry, baby. I...

I know I should have.

I, I just kept praying he'd come
to his senses and get over it.

Poor, crazy guy.

Crazy? What do you mean, crazy?

Oh, Jo.

I hate to tell you this.

Your brother Gilly now...

has an imaginary friend...

Leon.

He's been...

going all over town and telling everybody
he's not your brother,

but this fellow Leon is.

Poor Gilly.

Don't you worry about him.

Your mama has enough love and
compassion for that wounded bird.

I guess I should be worrying about
is how to break this to Jack.

You can't tell Jack.

It would break the poor man's heart.

Rich.

Hey, Rich, wake up.

Oh.

Hi, Jack.

I want you to go on over to the hotel.

You tell Chaney I sent you.
He's gonna put it on my account.

I, I don't wanna take your money, Jack.

Let me tell you something, Rich.

I got my business and most
of my money from my father.

The least I can do
is to give something back.

Uh, no, I'll be fine, Jack.

I don't to put you on.
I just need another ten minutes.

No, come on.

You do as I say, all right?

Go clean yourself up.

Come see me in the morning and
we'll talk about getting you a job.

Thanks, Jack.

Hey, gimme that.

Keep marching.

I'll have my brother Jimmy come back
and check on you later, all right?

Hey, Jack.

Hey, how you doing, Gina?

I'm great.

I'm great.

Look, I was wondering if maybe...

you know, me and you
could go to the diner,

grab some coffee, you know,
like old times.

Oh, Gina, I'd love to.

- Yeah?
- But, as you know,

I'm engaged to be married this weekend.

I'd just hate to do anything that
might embarrass my bride-to-be.

Yeah, well, actually your bride-to-be
was gonna be the topic of conversation.

Oh?

I had this picture on my cell wall.

It was my hope for the future.

See, everybody else had pictures of
their wives and their girlfriends. But...

this was my reason for getting out.

You had a picture of a car on your wall?

Damn, Jimmy!

You beat off to it?

Hell, no!

I spanked it to that baby right there.

This is the only car in the world
that makes me flex my love muscle.

Oh, oh.

Jimmy loves you.

Jimmy, get off the car.

Hey, I, I was just giving it
a full body dust.

Just try not to spooge on it.

Spooge on it!

Shut up.

Listen, Jimmy.

I got a security problem
I want you to deal with.

His name's Gilbert.

Jo's brother.

Oh, I didn't know Jo had a brother.

Yeah, well, some families have brothers
they don't like to talk about.

Just make sure he disappears, all right?

Done and done.

Jimmy.

Feel free to rough him up a little bit.

Excuse me, sir.

Hi. Um, a friend of mine has
a salon here in town.

Her name is Jo Wingfield.

- I don't suppose you--
- Oh, yeah.

She, she works at Beaver Cuts.

You, you just take a left on Main,

you go down about
three blocks on the right.

And, in fact, I just went by there
on my lunch break

and I saw Jo in the window.

Oh, great.

Great. OK, thanks a bunch.

- Sure. Yeah. Say hi to Jo for me.
- Oh, I will, for sure.

Hey, buddy.

You know where a fella
gets a beer around here?

Oh, actually, I'm sorry.
I'm not from around here. I was...

Damn right you ain't from around here!

Come on, Freddy, let's go!

Woo hoo!

Hey, Jack.

Something you wanna tell me, Jo?

Is something bothering you?

I know about...

about you and...

your brother.

Oh, God.

Dammit!

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

I'm the one who should be sorry, Jo.

You poor thing.

It's not your fault.

You had no way of knowing
he was your brother.

It's like a Greek tragedy. I...

I think about it and it breaks my heart.

And how devastating
it must have been for you.

For both of you.

God, that poor guy!

I'm sorry, Jo.

Oh, Jack!

Senor! Mister!

Can I have your peanuts, porfavor?

Los cacahuates.

Andele.

- Mm.
- Gracias.

Please, put your seats and your tables
to the upright position...

in preparation for our arrival
in Puerto Vallarta.

♪ Louie Louie ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Said, we gotta go ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ya ♪

♪ Louie Louie ♪

I don't get it. Why can't I stay
at Jack's house with you?

You don't get it?

What, did your adoptive mother
drop you on your head?

No one can see you till after the wedding.

Until then, your job is to find Gilly Noble
and keep him out of the way.

Bye, Dad.

Ow!

Valdine, slow down.

Shut up, Walter!

Ow! Christ!

Have fun!

Jack?

Look at my hard worker.

Hey, what are you doing home?

I just, you know,
I closed the shop early

so I could get some
of the wedding chores done.

Oh. Great.

Take that cute little dress off
and come on in.

No, I gotta get some things done.

Tell you what.
Do me a favor.

While you're out there,
why don't you...

pick your mama up
something nice for her arrival.

That's sweet, Jack.

Now scoot...

before I pull you in here with me.

Take your time, why don't you?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come here.

Jack! My future son-in-law!

- Oh!
- Look at you.

Oh, my!

- It's been a long time.
- Mm-mm.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh.

I'm so excited about the wedding.

You know...

I thought you...

- Ouch!
- Sorry.

Watch it, jerk-off!

I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get both of you.

- Sorry, Walter!
- Ow!

Oh, man, that musta hurt!

You all right?

I'm gonna kick your ass.

What's that, Walter?

You say you wanna lick my ass?

Everything's cool, Jack.

- We got it under control.
- Yeah.

Too bad you got that neck brace on.
You could be moving.

- I'm gonna get you.
- You like you tea bag there, Walter?

Bring him to the guest room, Jimmy.
Right up the stairs.

Gracias.

See you, friend.

Now, go find your sister.

And give her one for me, OK?

Oh, no. No, she's not my sister.

No, no, she's not my sister.

Uh, hi.

What's up, buckaroo?

I have an appointment with uh,
with Jo Wingfield.

Jo's not here.

OK. Do you think that
you could give her a note for me?

I guess so.

Good. Um...

Uh, can I borrow a pen?

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Hey.

Hey!

You!

You are the sick man!

- Prevert!
- No.

- Prevert!
- Wait a minute. No, I...

- No, I--
- I'm going to dial 9-11!

- 9-11! I'm calling!
- No.

- Just--
- 9-11, I'm reporting some prevert.

Oh, man.

All units, subject last seen
behind Beaver Cuts.

Please, be advised.

You think about 69, ain't you?

- Hey, Dig.
- Mm-hm.

What? Stand down, Frito Bandito.
Can't you see I'm playing keno?

- 04, 44--
- Dig, it's me, Gilly.

- I don't know no goddamn Gilly.
- Hey. El Paso.

Oh, oh, El Paso!

Sit on down. You look like
you're all grown up, boy.

This is a disguise, Dig.

Apparently, there are much people
in this town that don't like me.

I need your help.
I gotta find my truck.

- Then, I can--
- Ooh, ooh, truck.

Yeah, trouble.

What's the problem?

Well...

you see, Jack Mitchelson, right?

He had a charity event last night.

A dollar a pop to take a whack
at the truck with a sledgehammer.

Shit, a good time.

People paid money
to beat the hell out of my truck?

Set me back ten bucks.

I think I threw out my shoulder,
you know, with your quarter panels.

Whacked it once and whack it again,
then it broke, see?

Ah, that son of a bitch!

I cannot believe Jo is gonna marry
that Mitchelson creep!

Mitchelson?

She's marrying' Jack Mitchelson?

Yes, in two days, Dig.

I gotta find a way to stop it, Dig,
and I need your help.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Brake!!!

Slow down, Speedy Gonzales!

You can count Dig outta any plans
to jack up the jig for Jack.

Jack Michelson is a good man.
Am I right?

- Good friend of mine. Hm.
- Yeah, he's the best.

Folks like him around here.

Look.

Why don't you just leave
well enough alone, OK?

And let her marry Jack.

Being with him is like winning
the husband Super Lotto.

Listen.

If you really love this girl
as much as you say you do,

just tell her goodbye...

and good luck.

But, I don't know
if I can live without her.

- Hello?
- Jo!

Hey, Zahf.

- How's it going at--
- It was the prevert, Jo.

- What?
- He was here, at the shop.

- When?
- He was dressed like cowboy.

Oh, my God.

Uh! Ugh!

Damn bees!

Ugh!

Shoo.

Morning, Mama.
Morning, Daddy.

- Morning, Jo.
- Morning.

Where are you headed off to?

Oh, I just got something I have to do.

Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'll go with you. Wait.

No, it's just something
I have to do on my own.

Well, I could go with you,
keep you company.

It's just errands.
It'll be boring.

Not to me, sweetheart.

See you later.

Help!

- Walter!
- Bees!

Oh, my God!

Stay absolutely still.

Ouch!

I gotta go get my camera.

Oh, God!

This is too great for words.

Thanks for picking me up.
I've been walking for ever.

It's on--

Jo!

Gilly, I've been looking all over for you.

Mama told me how
you've been going around

telling everyone about
your imaginary friend, Leon.

That's what she said?

You gotta accept the truth.

We can't be together, ever.

I'm glad that you said that because,

um...

If you really love this girl
as much as you say you do,

just tell her goodbye...

and good luck.

You're right.

Then what are you doing here in Beaver?

I just wanted to...

I, well, I just wanted
to say goodbye...

and...

good luck.

I want you to have a good life, Jo.

I really do.

And I promise, after today,
I'll never bother you again.

Don't make it sound so sad, Gilly.

We'll still see each other at...

family funerals and stuff.

Goodbye, Jo.

I love you.

I love you too.

Hey!

- Dig! What the--!
- Settle down, El Paso.

Oh!

Here you go, Benjy.

Now remember,

you promised not to smoke those
till you're 12.

All right.

Right on.

You wanna tell me what's going on?

He's an evil dude.

He is one evil dude.

Who is?

- Mitchelson!
- Jack?

He's the snarliest cat
this town has ever seen, baby.

- But, I thought you said he--
- Oh, that was just show business, man.

You gotta toe the line for John Q Public.

This town's got elephant ears, baby.

Damn crying shame.

You can't trust anybody any more.

Come on, El Paso.

Slide over to my place.

El Paso, you got your work
cut out for you, baby.

Jack Mitchelson got millions
from his daddy.

He's what we call a multimillionaire.

And, in my experience,

women like dead presidents
more than broke boyfriends.

No romance without finance, daddy.

Hey, Jo's not like that.

Shit.

Love may be blind, but
it can still smell that money, baby.

Oh.

Not to mention...

there's a lotta cash in selling grass.

What does that mean?

Hey, Sherlock.

Jack Mitchelson is the biggest
marijuana grower in the Pacific Northwest.

Mmm-hm.

You are not seeing the forest
for the weed here, man.

This dude's a pot grower,
a reefer salesman, a doobie doctor.

That's why Jack keeps Beaver
so squeaky-clean.

Wanna keep Johnny Law from sniffing around.

Well, how does he get away with it?

Hell, half the town's on the payroll.

The rest...

scared to death of that wombat.

Man!

We've gotta figure out a way
to get Jo outta there.

Amen to that.

What we need, my friend, is a plan.

I'm gonna sit on down here
and study on that for a minute.

Aw! That's a nice doggy.

Hell of a watchdog.
Nothing gets by him.

Hello, ladies.

Do you wanna dance?

- Come on, baby.
- Be gentle with him, boys.

- Come on, sweetcheeks.
- Come on, buddy.

- Wait a minute.
- We come for that.

Look, if you're trying to scare me,
you've done a terrific job, OK?

Yeah.

Fellas, this is uncalled-for.
Come on.

Look, this is unfair.
All's I want is ten minutes with Jo.

Hey, who doesn't?

Come on, Jimmy.
Let's get down to business.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, oh, yeah.

Woo hoo hoo hoo!

That's what you get,
you dirty little pervert!

Hit you right on the head!

- How come you hit Streak?
- What?

Maybe, you oughta be wearing your glasses.

Yeah, but they make me look stupid.

Pervert on the run!
Go get him, Freddy.

Keep away from me!

You can't stop me from seeing Jo.

I'm gonna marry her, you'll see!

You're just sick, man!

He wants to marry his sister.

He'd better not come back!

Yeah, that's right,
or we'll tie you to a tree,

fuck you in the ass
while we jerk you off!

Show you what we really do
to perverts around here!

You sicko!

Keep running, boy!

Oh, man!

Oh.

Hey, Dig!

Hey, Dig!

El Paso! Up here!

Dig, what are you doing up there?

What do you mean,
what am I doing up here?

You ever try jumping off
a roof with no legs?

It stings!

What do you wanna do about this?

Ah, don't worry.

I got a leg for all seasons.

"Jo, I'm not...

your brother".

"Marry me".

Oh, Dig, this is great.
Thank you so much.

Finally, I'm gonna be able
to set the record straight here.

You sure there are two r's in "marry"?

Yeah, there's definitely two r's.

Good enough.

Hey, listen, Dig.

You sure you're gonna be able
to fly with that thing?

I'm Dig McCaffrey, boy.

I could fly a can of Spam like this.

How'd you lose those legs, anyway?

Plane crash.

Come on, let's light this firecracker.

Well, we're all set.
You ready?

All right.

Let's go, Dig.

So, they can hug all the trees they want.

It's the government
we're gonna have to worry about.

Pretty soon, it won't let us
wipe our ass without a permit.

Barkeep!

Less talk and more vodka.

Yes, ma'am.

Gina?

Get you a drink while I'm at it?

Yeah, I'll have a nice, stiff one.

You have that.

Oh oh oh.

Jack, Jack, Jack.

You are in such good shape.
How do you stay so fit?

El Paso,

I got something here
that's gonna get their attention.

That's my man Wagner!

That's good, huh?

We'll come in low
out of the afternoon sun.

Pure hunk of those men.

- Is that right?
- That's right.

Check it out, El Paso.

Hi, Jo!

Check out my banner!

Woo hoo hoo!

I love you, I've missed you!

- I'm the one, Jo!
- Oh, my God.

The banner! It says it all!

That Jack's no good for you, Jo!
I'm the one!

Jo! I love you!

He really is crazy.

Woo hoo hoo!

I knew that boy was trouble
the minute I laid eyes on him.

- Bill.
- Yes, chief.

We've got a code nine in progress.
Mobilize all units.

- Feel pretty good, huh, Gilly?
- Oh, yeah, Dig.

Holy shit!

It's Beaver Five-O!

What's going on, Dig?

What's going on?

Start eating.

Gilbert Noble!

Please, step out of the airplane
with your hands behind your head.

Well, ship my ass to big red China!

They want the white boy.

What do they want with me?
I didn't do anything.

I don't know.

See you, stranger.

All right, get your hands up!

What's going on here?

OK, boys, grab him!

Hey, hey, take it easy!

Oh, what's going on?

Oh, this isn't fair!

Neither is stalking your sister, son.

All right, Bill.

Straight to the nuthouse.

Jack Mitchelson has offered
to pay for his therapy.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Today we're discussing,

why it is wrong to have sex
with someone related to you.

My wife was related to me.

I had sex with her.

That's not the same thing, Mr. Murphy.

Once a week, we'd have sex.

Until she died.

Then it was three or four times a week.

We're quite familiar
with your case, Mr. Murphy.

Can we have pancakes tomorrow?

We had pancakes yesterday, Mr. Campisi.

Today, I would like to talk about
how Mr Noble can overcome...

his unnatural compulsions
toward his sister.

He could kill her.

Mr. Chin.

Can we have pancakes tomorrow?

Hi.

I know you.

From before.

You hit me with a lead pipe.

I didn't hit you.

You calling Jimmy a liar?

Uh, yeah.

I don't want any trouble now, OK?

Hey.

You got any naked pictures of your sister?

Of course not.

Wanna buy some?

Ten bucks apiece.

Where'd you get these?

Jimmy brung them to me.

You know, to keep me company.

Not bad, huh?

He also brung me these 'ums.

Jo's panties. Used, too.

- Oh, gimme those!
- Hey, ten bucks apiece.

No way!
These don't belong to you.

That's my future wife
we're talking about here!

You owe me a lotta money
for them nakeds.

All right.
Look, here's ten dollars.

That's all I have.
Now, leave me alone.

Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!

♪ Turn off your mind ♪

♪ And go back with me to a better time ♪

♪ Do you see the same moon I do ♪

♪ When I'm thinking of you? ♪

♪ Well, that's okay ♪

♪ We can try it again ♪

- ♪ Another day ♪
- Gilly!

Gilly!

Oh.

Is that you?

Don't worry, buddy.
The cavalry's here.

Come on.

It's time for you to make your break.

- There we go.
- Ah!

Dig, what are you doing here?

I told you.

A Cherokee always repays his debt.

I thought you were one-eighth Chippewa.

Right, and one-eighth Cherokee.

Dig's a complex cat, baby.

Hey, are you the pancake guy?

What's he doing here?

Oh, I went to the wrong room first.

Come on, let's get you outta here.

Woo hoo!

Ha ha!

How does it feel to be off the rock, baby?

You are out!

You are free!

Feels great, Dig!
Thanks a lot!

Listen.

I would have sprung you sooner,

but after I ate all that weed,

it took me two days
just to pass the stems!

Leon?

Holy shit!
Dig, follow that car!

There he is.
Pull over. Pull over!

Ah, yes.

The Eager Beaver.

They used to shoot porno pictures there.

Did a screen test once.

Never heard anything.

That is Leon.

That's him, Dig.
That's Jo's real brother.

- Well, he's my proof.
- Mm-hm.

Now, all's I gotta do
is get her down here and show her.

Well, hell's bells.

You better scoot.

According to the paper,

that wedding's going off
in less than three hours.

Here, take my pony.

Oh, no, Dig.
I couldn't do that.

Take it. Possessions mean
nothing to the Navajo.

You go down there and
you get your woman.

I'll make sure whiffle balls
stays where he's supposed to be.

And you get your ass off there, Campisi.

Quickly, quickly!
Today, son!

OK, Dig, thanks a lot.
I'll be back as soon as I can.

Good journey.

All right, Campisi.

We got an assignment.

Oh, God. What the hell is this?

All right.
Come on. Move along.

Move them out, little dogies.
Let's go!

Hep ha!

Come on, get outta the way.

All right.

Now, that's it!

I'm tired of being nice.

Now, get off the road!

Get your smelly ass off the road!

I said get your butt...

out!

Come on.

Oh ooh.

OK, come on, just relax.

Hold on.

Psst!

Just where you think you going, Leon?

Who the hell are you?

I'm your warden
till my friend Gilly gets back.

Gilly?

That's right. I said it.

Don't, don't you.
I'm warning you.

Ouch!

Stop!

Son of a bitch!

What? Get...

get away!

Goddammit!

Those are my legs!

Thief!

Hey! Looky there!

Cowpuncher!

Hey, that's great!

Check the prostate while you're there!

Hey, you're turning the herd on!

What happened?
Your sister turn you down?

- Hey, bastard!
- What? No!

Well, that cow forgot to wipe its ass!

Come on.
Giddy-up! Giddy-up!

Hey, pervert!

Why don't you buy her dinner first?

Hey, hey, that's, that's pretty funny.
Why don't you get on with your life?

Hey, it's a puppet show!

- Grab her tits!
- All right. Come on.

Gilly, what are you doing?

Nothing.

What are you doing?

I thought you were supposed
to be getting married.

I am, in, in an hour.
Zahf was just doing my make-up.

You're supposed to be at the hospital,

getting better.

Jo, listen.

I got great news. I uh...

I found Leon.

I found Leon and I got him dead to rights.

That's great, Gilly.

Now, why don't you just
pull your arm out of Leon's butt...

and we'll take a drive to the hospital?

Oh, that, no.

Jo, this isn't Leon.
This is just some cow that...

I got my hand...

- stuck in.
- Oh!

Jesus!

Jo, Leon's at the Eager Beaver.

If you come with me,
I will prove it to you.

Gilly, stop it, please!

You can't do this any more.
You have issues.

- But, Jo--
- Gilly.

You remember when
you took me up to the roof

of the animal shelter the first time?

And you told me...

how important it was
for you to have a family?

Of course.

Well, it's important to me too.
And that’s why...

Jack and I have decided
to have a family of our own.

- Yeah. But, Jo, listen. That--
- Gilly.

Leave me to have my family.

Are those my missing underwear?

Jo, I can, I can explain these. I...

Well, I didn't steal them.

I bought them off the same scumbag
who sold me these naked pictures of you.

Oh.

Oh, Jo!

In my country,

for violating a sacred beast,

you get beaten to death
with bamboo sticks.

It can happen to you, you too.

You are so sick mentally.

Prevert!

Oh, my God.

The ring.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Man!

That was one evil trip.

Woo.

Well, this is it, Daddy.

The day every girl dreams about.

You guys are really gonna like
living up here.

You'll have the best medical care and...

Mama won't have to work so hard.

Is this what you want?

What do you mean?

I mean...

are you happy?

Why wouldn't I be happy?
I mean, this is a great thing,

for all of us.

Show time, Mr. Wingfield.

Hey, pervert.

Hey, Streak.

What, what are you doing?

Ain't no mental homes been built
that'll hold Streak.

Hey, wait a minute.
That's my truck.

Get your hands up!

Was your truck.

Mine now.

Oh, it, it looks really nice.

She's my home now.

So technically,
you're standing on my front lawn.

So, why don't you back your ass up
off my property and into them woods?

OK, OK, OK, Streak.
Just take it easy.

You shouldn't have cheated me
on those panties.

Now, gimme back my stuff!

OK. Uh, just, just relax.
Everything's all right.

The pictures and the underwear
and everything.

See?

- Oh, I'll take that too.
- Wait a minute, that's my ring!

Well, it's my ring now, pretty boy.

Why don't you turn around?
We're gonna take a nature walk.

Streak, come on now.

I gave you everything you wanted there.

And do you, Josephine Wingfield,

take this man...

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Jack Mitchelson,

take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

If anyone amongst you...

can show just cause why
these two should not be joined...

in holy matrimony,

speak now...

or forever hold your peace.

So, with the power vested in me...

- Stop.
- I now pronounce--

Sorry, sorry.
It's the machine. It...

it, it malfunctions when the battery's low.

Just go right ahead.

She's...

in love...

with--

Here we go.

Problem solved.

There. Just go on.

I now pronounce you blah-blah-blah.

Very well.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Well, what do we got here?

Gilly Noble.

Look at you tasty beauty, you.

You ain't gonna mess up
my sister's wedding, you pervert!

Here's my wedding present, Mama!

- Mama, is Daddy all right?
- Oh, yes.

It's just all the excitement.

He said he'd love to be able to join you,
he's just not up to it.

One,

two,

three.

I'd like to propose a toast.

A toast...

to my baby girl, to little Jo,

who has finally found
the man of her dreams,

a man that is not only the--

Cops?

See ya!

What's going on?

Sorry to bother you, Jack.

Mrs. Mitchelson,

I'm afraid we have some...

bad news.

Your brother, Gilly.

There's been an accident.

His truck...

blew up.

Body was burned
beyond recognition, ma'am.

By the time we got to the scene,
some coyotes had come by and...

torn off some of the major body parts.

- They even ate his--
- Gina!

I think that's enough description
of the deceased for right now.

Yeah, okey-dokey.

Are you sure?

Are you sure that it was Gilly?

Here.

We found this ring on his finger bone,

with your names inscribed on it.

I scooped up what I could.

Ashes, mostly.

Put them in my Thermos.

Thought you might like
to keep them for a remembrance.

He killed himself.

I know it.

It's all my fault.

No, that is not true, ma'am.

Your brother is in that Thermos right now

on account of a fella
I have in custody right here.

All right, boys. Bring him out.

Leon?

Did you say "Leon"?

Uh, Mama.

I was just following him.
It was an accident.

I didn't mean to bump his car,
and then it exploded.

He's your brother, Jo.

- Walter!
- Your real brother.

Daddy?

We hid the truth from you because...

Valdine wanted a crack at Jack's money...

and, Lord help me, so did I.

So, are you saying that,
that Gilly was never my brother?

- Well--
- How could you do that to me?

We did it for your own good, sweetheart.
He was a dog-catcher.

You're crazy!
You're just crazy, OK?

- I'm sorry, Jack.
- No.

I'm just very confused right now.

No, don't, don't apologize to him.

Well, he set the whole thing up.

That's a lie.

Ask him if the name
Vic Vetter rings a bell.

Shut up, Walter.

Because Jack mailed Vic
false information about Gilly.

You tell her, Valdine.

You tell her the truth.

Walter, what the hell
are you talking about, huh?

- Oh!
- You're sick.

You're fucking sick.

There, oh, dear. Let me see.

I hope you all make one big happy family.

Just don't include me.

Walter, you goddamn idiot.
Look at you.

She deserves a better life.

How dare you ruin my wedding?

Blow me.

You did this!
I'm gonna kill you!

You rotten...

Get off!

Son of a bitch!
I'm gonna kill you!

- Ma!
- You, I'm gonna kill...

- Mama!
- you. I...

Mama!

Oh!

Ma'am!

Mama?

Gina...

better call them ambulance boys, now.

We had a 911 over the Mitchelsons estate.

We're gonna need uh,
an ambulance ASAP.

It looks like a possible coronary,
or some sort of jiggling--

Oh, my goodness.

Holy shit!

It's the ghost of El Paso past.

Hi, Dig.

"Hi, Dig" shit,
I thought you was barbecue.

So, everybody thinks I'm dead.

I thought you were, myself.
Campisi too.

I guess it's probably all for the better.

Now Jo can...

really get on with her life here.

I have no idea how I'm gonna get home.

Dig McCaffrey, at your service.

"I'll fly up your ass
if the money's right".

- I cannot believe you put it on.
- That's good, huh?

That's good.

Are you serious?

Well, it's the least I can do after...

whaling on your truck with a sledgehammer.

Oh, shit.

Come on, El Paso.

The bird's out front and all gassed up.
Now, what you gonna do?

Let's light that firecracker.

You bet your ass.

♪ If I never see you again ♪

♪ You will stay in my mind ♪

♪ If I never see you again ♪

♪ You will stay in my mind ♪

♪ We've only got a lifetime ♪

O noble creature

The time has come

For the two of us to part

And for you to go to a better place

A place deep inside my heart

Gilly, deep down,
I always did believe you.

I know that, Larry,
and I do appreciate it.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna
sneak you in through the back door.

Jo?

Hey, is that Jo?

Oh, my God! Jo!

Jo!

And fetch the stick
that's thrown by God

No!

Gilly?

Jo!

Oh, my God.

♪ When the daylight's gone ♪

♪ And you're on your own ♪

♪ And you need a friend ♪

♪ Just to be around ♪

♪ I will comfort you ♪

Jo, I thought you killed yourself.

I was just giving you the one-gun salute.

I can't believe you're alive!

♪ I will understand ♪

♪ And you know that ♪

♪ I'll be at your side ♪

♪ there's no need to worry ♪

♪ Together we'll survive ♪

♪ Through the haste and hurry ♪

♪ I'll be at your side ♪

♪ If you feel like you're-- ♪

Now, Valdine, don't be so sad.

You're not losing a daughter here.
You're gaining a son.

Blow it out your ass, Walter.

Hey, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Gilly.

- Hey, Jo.
- Hey.

First of all, congratulations
on your nuptials.

I wanna wish you much happiness.

Aw, thanks, Vic,
but we got guests.

Oh, look, now, I know you got guests,
but I got some good news.

- I found your mother.
- Ah.

Your real mother this time.

Uh, free of charge.

I, I got signatures,
I got documents, DNA evidence.

- I don't know, Vic.
- Listen to me, Gilly.

She flew all the way...

from California to meet you.

My baby!

My precious gift from God!

Oh, oh.

Suzanne Somers is my mother?

♪ For letting you go ♪

Gilly, didn't you used to...

♪ She's sneaky and smoked out ♪

♪ And it's starting to show ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you turn around ♪

♪ Our back on each other ♪

♪ That's a good idea ♪

♪ Break a promise to your mother ♪

♪ Turn around your back on each other ♪

♪ You say that I've changed ♪

♪ Well maybe I did ♪

♪ But even if I changed ♪

♪ What's wrong with it ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you turn around ♪

♪ Our back on each other ♪

♪ That's a good idea ♪

♪ Break a promise to your mother ♪

♪ Turn around your back on each other ♪

♪ And our friends are gone and gone ♪

♪ And all the time moves on and on ♪

♪ And all I know it's wrong, it's wrong ♪

♪ And all I know it's wrong, it's wrong ♪

♪ It's wrong, it's wrong, it's wrong ♪

♪ If there's a reason ♪

♪ It's lost on me ♪

♪ Maybe we'll be friends ♪

♪ I guess we'll see ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you turn around ♪

♪ Our back on each other ♪

♪ That's a good idea ♪

♪ Break a promise to your mother ♪

♪ Turn around your back on each other ♪

♪ That's a good idea ♪

♪ Break a promise to your mother ♪

♪ Turn around your back on each other ♪

♪ That's a good idea ♪

♪ Break a promise to your mother ♪

♪ Turn around your back on each other ♪

♪ That's a good idea ♪

♪ Break a promise to your mother ♪

♪ I've been looking for you ♪

♪ On the outside ♪

♪ You've been staying in ♪

♪ I've been searching for you ♪

♪ at the wrong times ♪

♪ And I just can't win ♪

♪ But I try ♪

♪ To find you ♪

♪ I try ♪

♪ To find you ♪

♪ You have left the most beautiful hand-print ♪

♪ And I am melting away ♪

♪ You have left the most beautiful hand-print ♪

♪ And I am melting away ♪

♪ I'll be singing your praises on stages ♪

♪ Will you be talking mine ♪

♪ I'll be filling my diary pages ♪

♪ About a love divine ♪

♪ That shines ♪

♪ On down ♪

♪ That shines ♪

♪ On down ♪

♪ You have left the most beautiful hand-print ♪

♪ And I am melting away ♪

♪ You have left the most beautiful hand-print ♪

♪ And I am melting away ♪

Hey, hey

Melt away