Say Goodnight, Gracie (1989) - full transcript
Joey goes for brownie points by offering to babysit his girlfriend's daughter.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
Okay. What do you think, huh?
Big meeting tomorrow. Bother me not.
Hey, come on, this is important. Come on.
I'm taking Sarah Robbins out. That corporate lawyer I told you about?
Uh-huh. We're going out to a very expensive restaurant.
I want some advice.
Go dutch.
Hey, come on, I'm serious.
I never went on a date with a woman with a job.
All right. All right, let me give you,
let me give you two pieces of advice from...
...from my corporate side of the fence.
First of all, see, for executives, our life...
It's all stress. Everything is stress.
So if you want this woman to care about you,
be sensitive to what she needs.
All right. And number two?
Oh, yeah. Don't do that thing with your armpit. They hate that.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, okay, thanks, because I had that planned during soup.
Uh-huh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ah, Joey... Hey, Sarah!
And Gracie.
What an unexpected surprise.
Look, I'm us afraid we're gonna have to reschedule our date.
I just got a last minute call from my boss.
He wants me at a very important meeting tomorrow.
Well, can't you tell him that we...
Now I have to do some research at the law library.
I've got a ton of work and I've got one night to do it.
(BABY CRIES) Oh, shh. Oh, honey.
Mommy just needs one quiet night, okay?
(CRYING CONTINUES)
I take that as a "no".
What are you gonna do? You gonna drop her off at the babysitters?
No, all the sitters I trust are unavailable.
I'm taking her with me.
No, you're not.
No, you're not, because I am being sensitive
to your sensitive needs.
And I am not gonna be stood up by two girls in one night.
So if you go...
Gracie's staying.
Huh? Huh?
Pretty sensitive, huh, Mikie?
Yes, but, see, there's a sensitive ceiling
that I want to tell you about, Joe.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
You'd really do this for me, Joey?
Gosh, I can actually concentrate on my work
without worrying about Gracie with some sitter I don't know.
Thanks, Joey.
I'm glad to do it.
Oh, and thank you, too, Michael.
I know this is inconvenient, but you're saving my life.
Oh, hey, no. Nah!
Mwah! (CHUCKLES)
I'll go get her diaper bag from the cab.
Okay.
Yes?
You. All you. No me. You.
You bought the puppy, you walk the puppy.
You take care of that puppy and you clean up and you feed that puppy.
I will be working in my pathetic little work area.
I will not know that there is a baby in this house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. All right. Listen,
I'm gonna go help her get the stuff out of the cab.
Hold this.
I don't...
(BABY GURGLING)
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter what you do
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter where you go
♪♪ I'm standing by your side
♪♪ I'll be right behind
♪♪ No one loves you more than I do
♪♪ Put your hand in mine
♪♪ I can see a part of me in you
♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through
♪♪ I hear it in your laughter
♪♪ And I feel it when you cry
♪♪ I will be right there for you
♪♪ Until the day I die
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter what you do
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter where you go
♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪
(BABY WAILING)
Please, please, please, baby, don't cry.
Don't cry.
Please, baby, don't cry.
Don't... Don't... Don't...
Don't do that. Don't cry.
(CRYING CONTINUES) JOEY: Shh.
I still hear her!
I'll give you ten dollars if you don't cry, okay?
All right, I'll give you 500 bucks.
JOEY: All right, all right, all right, all right.
Okay, two weeks in Aruba.
And the silver place setting for 12 from the Spiegel catalog!
That's Spiegel - Chicago 60609.
This kid wants a car!
She wants a pacifier, Joe, if only I could find it.
(BABY WAILS) JOEY: Yeah, Shh. Shh. Shh.
It's okay, it's okay.
Hey, hey. (CRYING STOPS)
Gee, how resourceful on my part!
What a brilliant breakthrough in child rearing!
Can't find a pacifier, find something else to stick in the baby's mouth.
All right. Well...
Well, I'll find some food. Come on, come on.
No. You know, could you find a pacifier?
Maybe we should heat it up first.
No. Would you find the pacifier, please?
What is your problem? Find the...
My problem... The baby's teething!
Ow! (BABY CRYING)
Shh. You, come on. See, you're scaring the baby now.
The baby's a piranha. Look at that!
It's okay, sweetheart. He didn't mean that.
(BABY SNEEZES) Oh! Ha!
Isn't that nice?
Hey, you know, this is your idea, okay?
You're the one who said to be sensitive, right?
I didn't say to say, "I'll take the kid."
"I'll take the kid" is beyond sensitive, Joe.
You see, here's how it works.
Sensitive, complete wuss,
"I'll take the kid."
Besides, I got a nose about these things.
I got a nose. And my nose tells me you're in over your head, pal,
and my nose tells me I'm never gonna get done with my report.
You know what else my nose tells me?
What? This kid ain't crying 'cause she's hungry.
Ooh, ooh, Michael is right.
All right. I'll get a diaper.
I'll get a cab.
Maybe we can run her through a car wash.
Men... Such babies.
Here, let a woman take over.
I mean, the way they overreact to
changing a diaper in those movies,
I mean, get real. I know it's one thing
to exaggerate a moment for comic value,
but, come on, it's only a baby.
I mean, what could be in there?
Hey, are you okay, sweetheart, huh?
I'm fine.
Just don't count on ever being a grandfather.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, she is sleeping.
I am going back to work.
Okay.
(BABY CRYING)
Joe?
All right, I got her, I got her.
Shh.
It's okay.
(SNEEZES)
Oh.
Hey, I'm just a Kleenex to you, aren't I?
(SNEEZES)
Joey, it sounds like you're catching her cold.
I'm fine. (SNEEZES)
Maybe you should rest awhile.
No, no, no, no. He, he should not rest.
He should take care of the baby,
'cause that's what he said he was gonna do.
See, I see this whole thing happening
that you're gonna get sick, you're gonna get tired,
I'm gonna end up taking care of the baby,
I'll lose my job, we'll all, we'll all starve to death,
and we'll get wrapped in sheets, thrown in a pit like Amadeus.
(CRYING)
Oh, yeah, cry louder. That's good.
More louder. Yeah, yeah. (WAILING CONTINUES)
That's very good. Go ahead.
(IMITATING BABY COOING)
♪♪ Sugar pie, honeybunch
♪♪ You know that I love you
♪♪ I can't help myself
♪♪ I love you and nobody else
Joey, maybe you could try walking her around the room a little bit.
Yeah, good idea...
♪♪ You came into my life
(CRYING CONTINUES)
♪♪ And you come and you go
♪♪ I can't help myself ♪♪
(WAILING CONTINUES)
All right, all right all right, all right.
(WAILS LOUDLY)
(WAILING STOPS)
(WAILING)
(WAILING STOPS)
(WAILING)
(WAILING STOPS)
No... (CHUCKLES)
(WAILING)
(WAILING STOPS)
Oh, no. Try it, try it again.
(WAILING)
(WAILING STOPS)
(SOBS)
(WAILING)
(GURGLES)
Michael, she likes you.
I have this effect on women.
They just get near me and they start to giggle, smile
and their little spittle dribbles down.
(JOEY CHUCKLES)
Hey, maybe you could do your work with her on the desk.
Oh, yeah, right. What are we, back in the movies again?
Mr. Cold-Hearted Businessman takes one look at the little baby
and suddenly he melts 'cause she's...
Oh, look. Guys, her nose wiggles like a widdle bunny wabbit.
(CHUCKLES) Joe...
Oh, Joe, please. I...
I... Look, I...
Mikie understands that Sarah has to work.
Yes he does, but, but...
Mikie's very busy, too.
Mikie has a whole big proposal to do,
so if Joey would just do what he said he would do
and take care of the baby, please, before I adopt her. Yes, I will.
Yeah. Hey, I said I was gonna take care of her, right?
Okay. Come on, now you're hogging the baby.
I'm not hog... Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, all right, all right.
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna be working right here.
I'm working here. Here is my important proposal,
here are my papers, here is me, and yet, here is still you.
Yeah. If I go away, she's gonna cry.
All right. Well, just, well, stay out of my way, please?
Don't bother me and don't, just don't do anything.
You got it.
(BABY COOS)
See that? You're doing something. Right there.
What did I just say?
Well, yeah. Well, I, we fed her, right?
And I figured she's probably gotta be burped.
I never burped a baby before.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
I wonder how firmly you're supposed to...
(BABY VOMITS)
Less firmly than that, I guess.
On my proposal?
She woofs on my proposal?
Michael, come on, don't be a baby.
How bad could it be?
Can anything be saved? (BABY CRYING)
Perhaps.
Hey, like this page here?
This charts the increase in sales in December...
...and Gracie has tastefully decorated it
in a green peas and red beets motif.
I don't know, I find it rather Christmassy.
Hey, want some licorice and yams so you could spit out a Halloween card?
Huh?
Would you like that? What do you say, sweetie-pie?
Hey, Michael, I think you're handling this very well.
Burn in hell.
(CRYING)
Hey... Come here, come here.
Okay, all right.
MICHAEL: Oh, let go of her hair. That's not your hair.
You'll get hair someday, too.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Ooh, ooh, you know who that is? You know who that is?
It's Mommy.
Mommy's here to take you.
Ooh, ooh, yes, she is.
Here's your baby!
You're gonna need a blood test to make that stick.
It's the Judge. Yippee cayaa, cayoo.
I've been downstairs researching the eviction laws of New York City.
But I've been repeatedly interrupted
by the plaintive cries of a lease violation.
Judge, I don't even...
You don't have to explain, Michael.
Talk.
Favor for a friend.
How long does this favor go on?
Until tomorrow around noon.
BOTH: What?
Yeah. She called on the phone.
She said that she was, she was gonna come over and pick Gracie up,
but she wasn't finished with her work. I said, "Finish your work"
she said, "It could take all night,"
I said, "Okay, well, finish it and then
"come over in the morning, and then pick the baby up."
She thought that was very sensitive of me.
I think... You stink.
JOEY: Come on, it's one night.
One night. Yeah, one night.
so you can score Mr. Sensitive Guy points with Sarah,
while you dump this poor little baby on Nicole and the Judge.
But I'll tell you something, buddy boy,
I don't think they're gonna put up with that! Am I right?
Apparently so.
(COUGHS) Hey... Hey, look, I'm sorry, Mikie, I'm sorry.
(COUGHS)
It looks like it's just gonna be you and, uh...
(CLEARING THROAT) Oh, man.
I don't feel so good.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
(SNEEZES)
Oh...
Hey, I'm feeling awful, man.
Awful.
You're gonna feel a lot worse in a minute.
Why?
That's the baby's thermometer.
How much could one baby eat?
I mean, it's not like it's gonna be in there for any length of time.
NICOLE: Can I get you anything, Joey? Soup? Tea?
No, no, he gets nothing.
He gets nothing.
And I, I don't want you to be nice to him anymore, either.
Okay, Michael, it's 7:30 in the morning
and you didn't sleep all night. You're ticked.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Joe, I have been up with this baby all night.
I have a very important meeting today,
and my eyes are so bloodshot,
I gotta squint to keep from bleeding to death.
(BABY WAILS)
I'm in my bed, awake, of course.
Awake all night.
And I'm thinking, "How can those guys handle a baby
"screaming so loud I can hear her
"with all this cotton stuffed in my ears"?
And then I think,
because I'm awake.
"Maybe I should help."
What can I do?
Could you mind Gracie, while I get showered
and Nicole gets ready for school, please?
Why not?
I'm awake.
Oh, look. Oh...
Judge, I love you. Look.
It occurs to me...
Joey here being sick,
who's gonna take care of Gracie till mommy comes back?
I could do it. I'm okay.
No, no. You are not going to infect this baby.
I gotta leave for school.
Oh...
No!
Don't you have a secretary?
Yeah, but she's the fragile type.
Are you saying I'm not fragile?
Taylor! Morning, Mr. Kelcher.
(SIGHS)
Good morning, Mr. Steinbauer. Good to see you, sir.
And, of course, you too, Mr. Steinbauer, Jr.
You know, to simplify things, why don't I just call you Ed and you, Mr. Ed.
Dad, he has a pencil on his face.
I can see he's got a pencil on his face.
What I want to know is why he's got a pencil on his face.
Taylor!
Sir, I didn't get any sleep at all last night.
Oh, a cry for sympathy. Well, put your head on my shoulder
because I'm a big fat ball of sympathy.
Now close this deal or I'll rip your heart out.
Do you think we should hear Michael's presentation now?
Well, son, someday I'll be going,
and you'll be taking over the business,
so I'll defer to you.
This is your meeting.
Now, what do you want to do?
Obviously I can never die.
I quit.
Find yourself a new secretary.
I don't mind getting your lunch,
and I don't mind buying gifts
for all those women who never return your calls,
but I will not raise your child!
(BABY CRIES)
Most women do return my calls.
Now I'm surprised, Herb.
One thing we've learned at Steinbauer Textiles
is that employees who have children are much less productive.
And single parents are the worst.
We don't have one single parent at Steinbauer
from stem to stern.
I'm talking the whole boat.
We have a boat? Could I have a hat?
This is not... This is not Taylor's child!
Well, who's child is it?
I'm taking care of it for someone else.
A friend of an ex-friend.
Sorry I'm late.
(BABY CRYING) Oh! Our in-house attorney, Sarah Robbins.
This is Herb Kelcher.
And Michael, uh... Where's Joey?
Home... Sick.
You two know each other?
Yeah, actually, uh...
Sarah came by yesterday to drop off a, uh...
...flowchart.
Which kept flowing all night, incidentally.
Taylor! Make it stop.
I'm...
Excuse me, Michael.
As you know, I don't have a baby.
But if I did have a baby,
I'll bet that baby might have a favorite blankie
that just might calm her down.
Oh? And where might that blankie have been all night?
In the side pocket of the baby bag.
I'm guessing.
Of course.
Listen, Michael, I can't... Well!
Why don't we just begin? Hmm?
Uh, as you all know on page four
I've outlines many ways in which I think we can begin to cut costs.
Well, if we wanna cut costs, why can't we just fire people?
Because you'd be the first to go.
(BABY WAILING)
Will someone please shut up that infernal child!
That is not an infernal child, Mr. Steinbauer.
Sarah, don't... The baby's gonna be fine. We're gonna just...
Of course she's gonna be fine.
She just wants her mommy.
Yes. It's my baby.
This child belongs to you?
I'm afraid I wasn't completely candid with you when you hired me.
I knew how you felt about single parents.
But I also knew that I needed this job
and I think that I've proven that I can do it.
And just why do you have this deep-seated hatred for children anyway?
Take a wild guess.
Robbins, you're fired.
Just, just wait a minute, Ebenezer...
Taylor!
Ah, come on, Sir. You haven't been dying to call this guy Ebenezer?
Go for it, Taylor.
Sir, I have a child of my own at home.
And I will admit, it makes life more complicated sometimes.
But I gotta tell ya, it took me exactly one night
to realize how much easier I have it than Sarah.
I mean, I don't know how she does it, I really don't.
And if you're not smart enough to realize what you have here,
then, frankly, I don't want to do business with you.
Oy, I hope this is gas.
Let's get outta here!
I'm right behind you, Dad.
What a surprise.
Ed, wait! Hey, are we still on for tennis?
What does that mean? One o'clock?
I'm sorry, Michael.
I've made your last 12 hours a nightmare.
Look at you, baby.
Look at you.
(BABY SNEEZES) Oh...
(CHUCKLES) Thank you very much.
Thank you, Michael.
Hey...
What are you gonna do now?
(SIGHS)
Well, actually, I'm gonna be very busy for a while
with my discrimination lawsuit against my former employer.
Know any good babysitters?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I, I happen to have a daughter at home and...
If she's not available, I have a Joey at home.
(CHUCKLES)
And, uh, if he's not available
I guess I am.
Here comes the choo-choo.
Open the tunnel.
(MIMICS TRAIN CHUGGING)
(CHUCKLES)
(SPITS)
Well, goodnight, everybody. I'm going to bed.
I'll probably sleep like a baby.
That's the stupidest expression I've ever heard.
Goodnight, sweetie. Goodnight, honey.
I hope Gracie turns out as well as Nicole.
Yeah... I tell you something.
You know, this whole experience has really made me
kind of regret missing Nicole's baby years.
Yeah, well, someday, if we're lucky,
maybe we'll have babies of our own.
Nothing like spending time with a baby to take the edge off a person, huh?
(COOING)
(BABY GURGLES)
(COOING CONTINUES)
What the hell are you looking at?
Okay. What do you think, huh?
Big meeting tomorrow. Bother me not.
Hey, come on, this is important. Come on.
I'm taking Sarah Robbins out. That corporate lawyer I told you about?
Uh-huh. We're going out to a very expensive restaurant.
I want some advice.
Go dutch.
Hey, come on, I'm serious.
I never went on a date with a woman with a job.
All right. All right, let me give you,
let me give you two pieces of advice from...
...from my corporate side of the fence.
First of all, see, for executives, our life...
It's all stress. Everything is stress.
So if you want this woman to care about you,
be sensitive to what she needs.
All right. And number two?
Oh, yeah. Don't do that thing with your armpit. They hate that.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh, okay, thanks, because I had that planned during soup.
Uh-huh.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ah, Joey... Hey, Sarah!
And Gracie.
What an unexpected surprise.
Look, I'm us afraid we're gonna have to reschedule our date.
I just got a last minute call from my boss.
He wants me at a very important meeting tomorrow.
Well, can't you tell him that we...
Now I have to do some research at the law library.
I've got a ton of work and I've got one night to do it.
(BABY CRIES) Oh, shh. Oh, honey.
Mommy just needs one quiet night, okay?
(CRYING CONTINUES)
I take that as a "no".
What are you gonna do? You gonna drop her off at the babysitters?
No, all the sitters I trust are unavailable.
I'm taking her with me.
No, you're not.
No, you're not, because I am being sensitive
to your sensitive needs.
And I am not gonna be stood up by two girls in one night.
So if you go...
Gracie's staying.
Huh? Huh?
Pretty sensitive, huh, Mikie?
Yes, but, see, there's a sensitive ceiling
that I want to tell you about, Joe.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
You'd really do this for me, Joey?
Gosh, I can actually concentrate on my work
without worrying about Gracie with some sitter I don't know.
Thanks, Joey.
I'm glad to do it.
Oh, and thank you, too, Michael.
I know this is inconvenient, but you're saving my life.
Oh, hey, no. Nah!
Mwah! (CHUCKLES)
I'll go get her diaper bag from the cab.
Okay.
Yes?
You. All you. No me. You.
You bought the puppy, you walk the puppy.
You take care of that puppy and you clean up and you feed that puppy.
I will be working in my pathetic little work area.
I will not know that there is a baby in this house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. All right. Listen,
I'm gonna go help her get the stuff out of the cab.
Hold this.
I don't...
(BABY GURGLING)
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter what you do
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter where you go
♪♪ I'm standing by your side
♪♪ I'll be right behind
♪♪ No one loves you more than I do
♪♪ Put your hand in mine
♪♪ I can see a part of me in you
♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through
♪♪ I hear it in your laughter
♪♪ And I feel it when you cry
♪♪ I will be right there for you
♪♪ Until the day I die
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter what you do
♪♪ You can count on me
♪♪ No matter where you go
♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪
(BABY WAILING)
Please, please, please, baby, don't cry.
Don't cry.
Please, baby, don't cry.
Don't... Don't... Don't...
Don't do that. Don't cry.
(CRYING CONTINUES) JOEY: Shh.
I still hear her!
I'll give you ten dollars if you don't cry, okay?
All right, I'll give you 500 bucks.
JOEY: All right, all right, all right, all right.
Okay, two weeks in Aruba.
And the silver place setting for 12 from the Spiegel catalog!
That's Spiegel - Chicago 60609.
This kid wants a car!
She wants a pacifier, Joe, if only I could find it.
(BABY WAILS) JOEY: Yeah, Shh. Shh. Shh.
It's okay, it's okay.
Hey, hey. (CRYING STOPS)
Gee, how resourceful on my part!
What a brilliant breakthrough in child rearing!
Can't find a pacifier, find something else to stick in the baby's mouth.
All right. Well...
Well, I'll find some food. Come on, come on.
No. You know, could you find a pacifier?
Maybe we should heat it up first.
No. Would you find the pacifier, please?
What is your problem? Find the...
My problem... The baby's teething!
Ow! (BABY CRYING)
Shh. You, come on. See, you're scaring the baby now.
The baby's a piranha. Look at that!
It's okay, sweetheart. He didn't mean that.
(BABY SNEEZES) Oh! Ha!
Isn't that nice?
Hey, you know, this is your idea, okay?
You're the one who said to be sensitive, right?
I didn't say to say, "I'll take the kid."
"I'll take the kid" is beyond sensitive, Joe.
You see, here's how it works.
Sensitive, complete wuss,
"I'll take the kid."
Besides, I got a nose about these things.
I got a nose. And my nose tells me you're in over your head, pal,
and my nose tells me I'm never gonna get done with my report.
You know what else my nose tells me?
What? This kid ain't crying 'cause she's hungry.
Ooh, ooh, Michael is right.
All right. I'll get a diaper.
I'll get a cab.
Maybe we can run her through a car wash.
Men... Such babies.
Here, let a woman take over.
I mean, the way they overreact to
changing a diaper in those movies,
I mean, get real. I know it's one thing
to exaggerate a moment for comic value,
but, come on, it's only a baby.
I mean, what could be in there?
Hey, are you okay, sweetheart, huh?
I'm fine.
Just don't count on ever being a grandfather.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, she is sleeping.
I am going back to work.
Okay.
(BABY CRYING)
Joe?
All right, I got her, I got her.
Shh.
It's okay.
(SNEEZES)
Oh.
Hey, I'm just a Kleenex to you, aren't I?
(SNEEZES)
Joey, it sounds like you're catching her cold.
I'm fine. (SNEEZES)
Maybe you should rest awhile.
No, no, no, no. He, he should not rest.
He should take care of the baby,
'cause that's what he said he was gonna do.
See, I see this whole thing happening
that you're gonna get sick, you're gonna get tired,
I'm gonna end up taking care of the baby,
I'll lose my job, we'll all, we'll all starve to death,
and we'll get wrapped in sheets, thrown in a pit like Amadeus.
(CRYING)
Oh, yeah, cry louder. That's good.
More louder. Yeah, yeah. (WAILING CONTINUES)
That's very good. Go ahead.
(IMITATING BABY COOING)
♪♪ Sugar pie, honeybunch
♪♪ You know that I love you
♪♪ I can't help myself
♪♪ I love you and nobody else
Joey, maybe you could try walking her around the room a little bit.
Yeah, good idea...
♪♪ You came into my life
(CRYING CONTINUES)
♪♪ And you come and you go
♪♪ I can't help myself ♪♪
(WAILING CONTINUES)
All right, all right all right, all right.
(WAILS LOUDLY)
(WAILING STOPS)
(WAILING)
(WAILING STOPS)
(WAILING)
(WAILING STOPS)
No... (CHUCKLES)
(WAILING)
(WAILING STOPS)
Oh, no. Try it, try it again.
(WAILING)
(WAILING STOPS)
(SOBS)
(WAILING)
(GURGLES)
Michael, she likes you.
I have this effect on women.
They just get near me and they start to giggle, smile
and their little spittle dribbles down.
(JOEY CHUCKLES)
Hey, maybe you could do your work with her on the desk.
Oh, yeah, right. What are we, back in the movies again?
Mr. Cold-Hearted Businessman takes one look at the little baby
and suddenly he melts 'cause she's...
Oh, look. Guys, her nose wiggles like a widdle bunny wabbit.
(CHUCKLES) Joe...
Oh, Joe, please. I...
I... Look, I...
Mikie understands that Sarah has to work.
Yes he does, but, but...
Mikie's very busy, too.
Mikie has a whole big proposal to do,
so if Joey would just do what he said he would do
and take care of the baby, please, before I adopt her. Yes, I will.
Yeah. Hey, I said I was gonna take care of her, right?
Okay. Come on, now you're hogging the baby.
I'm not hog... Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, all right, all right.
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna be working right here.
I'm working here. Here is my important proposal,
here are my papers, here is me, and yet, here is still you.
Yeah. If I go away, she's gonna cry.
All right. Well, just, well, stay out of my way, please?
Don't bother me and don't, just don't do anything.
You got it.
(BABY COOS)
See that? You're doing something. Right there.
What did I just say?
Well, yeah. Well, I, we fed her, right?
And I figured she's probably gotta be burped.
I never burped a baby before.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
I wonder how firmly you're supposed to...
(BABY VOMITS)
Less firmly than that, I guess.
On my proposal?
She woofs on my proposal?
Michael, come on, don't be a baby.
How bad could it be?
Can anything be saved? (BABY CRYING)
Perhaps.
Hey, like this page here?
This charts the increase in sales in December...
...and Gracie has tastefully decorated it
in a green peas and red beets motif.
I don't know, I find it rather Christmassy.
Hey, want some licorice and yams so you could spit out a Halloween card?
Huh?
Would you like that? What do you say, sweetie-pie?
Hey, Michael, I think you're handling this very well.
Burn in hell.
(CRYING)
Hey... Come here, come here.
Okay, all right.
MICHAEL: Oh, let go of her hair. That's not your hair.
You'll get hair someday, too.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Ooh, ooh, you know who that is? You know who that is?
It's Mommy.
Mommy's here to take you.
Ooh, ooh, yes, she is.
Here's your baby!
You're gonna need a blood test to make that stick.
It's the Judge. Yippee cayaa, cayoo.
I've been downstairs researching the eviction laws of New York City.
But I've been repeatedly interrupted
by the plaintive cries of a lease violation.
Judge, I don't even...
You don't have to explain, Michael.
Talk.
Favor for a friend.
How long does this favor go on?
Until tomorrow around noon.
BOTH: What?
Yeah. She called on the phone.
She said that she was, she was gonna come over and pick Gracie up,
but she wasn't finished with her work. I said, "Finish your work"
she said, "It could take all night,"
I said, "Okay, well, finish it and then
"come over in the morning, and then pick the baby up."
She thought that was very sensitive of me.
I think... You stink.
JOEY: Come on, it's one night.
One night. Yeah, one night.
so you can score Mr. Sensitive Guy points with Sarah,
while you dump this poor little baby on Nicole and the Judge.
But I'll tell you something, buddy boy,
I don't think they're gonna put up with that! Am I right?
Apparently so.
(COUGHS) Hey... Hey, look, I'm sorry, Mikie, I'm sorry.
(COUGHS)
It looks like it's just gonna be you and, uh...
(CLEARING THROAT) Oh, man.
I don't feel so good.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
(SNEEZES)
Oh...
Hey, I'm feeling awful, man.
Awful.
You're gonna feel a lot worse in a minute.
Why?
That's the baby's thermometer.
How much could one baby eat?
I mean, it's not like it's gonna be in there for any length of time.
NICOLE: Can I get you anything, Joey? Soup? Tea?
No, no, he gets nothing.
He gets nothing.
And I, I don't want you to be nice to him anymore, either.
Okay, Michael, it's 7:30 in the morning
and you didn't sleep all night. You're ticked.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Joe, I have been up with this baby all night.
I have a very important meeting today,
and my eyes are so bloodshot,
I gotta squint to keep from bleeding to death.
(BABY WAILS)
I'm in my bed, awake, of course.
Awake all night.
And I'm thinking, "How can those guys handle a baby
"screaming so loud I can hear her
"with all this cotton stuffed in my ears"?
And then I think,
because I'm awake.
"Maybe I should help."
What can I do?
Could you mind Gracie, while I get showered
and Nicole gets ready for school, please?
Why not?
I'm awake.
Oh, look. Oh...
Judge, I love you. Look.
It occurs to me...
Joey here being sick,
who's gonna take care of Gracie till mommy comes back?
I could do it. I'm okay.
No, no. You are not going to infect this baby.
I gotta leave for school.
Oh...
No!
Don't you have a secretary?
Yeah, but she's the fragile type.
Are you saying I'm not fragile?
Taylor! Morning, Mr. Kelcher.
(SIGHS)
Good morning, Mr. Steinbauer. Good to see you, sir.
And, of course, you too, Mr. Steinbauer, Jr.
You know, to simplify things, why don't I just call you Ed and you, Mr. Ed.
Dad, he has a pencil on his face.
I can see he's got a pencil on his face.
What I want to know is why he's got a pencil on his face.
Taylor!
Sir, I didn't get any sleep at all last night.
Oh, a cry for sympathy. Well, put your head on my shoulder
because I'm a big fat ball of sympathy.
Now close this deal or I'll rip your heart out.
Do you think we should hear Michael's presentation now?
Well, son, someday I'll be going,
and you'll be taking over the business,
so I'll defer to you.
This is your meeting.
Now, what do you want to do?
Obviously I can never die.
I quit.
Find yourself a new secretary.
I don't mind getting your lunch,
and I don't mind buying gifts
for all those women who never return your calls,
but I will not raise your child!
(BABY CRIES)
Most women do return my calls.
Now I'm surprised, Herb.
One thing we've learned at Steinbauer Textiles
is that employees who have children are much less productive.
And single parents are the worst.
We don't have one single parent at Steinbauer
from stem to stern.
I'm talking the whole boat.
We have a boat? Could I have a hat?
This is not... This is not Taylor's child!
Well, who's child is it?
I'm taking care of it for someone else.
A friend of an ex-friend.
Sorry I'm late.
(BABY CRYING) Oh! Our in-house attorney, Sarah Robbins.
This is Herb Kelcher.
And Michael, uh... Where's Joey?
Home... Sick.
You two know each other?
Yeah, actually, uh...
Sarah came by yesterday to drop off a, uh...
...flowchart.
Which kept flowing all night, incidentally.
Taylor! Make it stop.
I'm...
Excuse me, Michael.
As you know, I don't have a baby.
But if I did have a baby,
I'll bet that baby might have a favorite blankie
that just might calm her down.
Oh? And where might that blankie have been all night?
In the side pocket of the baby bag.
I'm guessing.
Of course.
Listen, Michael, I can't... Well!
Why don't we just begin? Hmm?
Uh, as you all know on page four
I've outlines many ways in which I think we can begin to cut costs.
Well, if we wanna cut costs, why can't we just fire people?
Because you'd be the first to go.
(BABY WAILING)
Will someone please shut up that infernal child!
That is not an infernal child, Mr. Steinbauer.
Sarah, don't... The baby's gonna be fine. We're gonna just...
Of course she's gonna be fine.
She just wants her mommy.
Yes. It's my baby.
This child belongs to you?
I'm afraid I wasn't completely candid with you when you hired me.
I knew how you felt about single parents.
But I also knew that I needed this job
and I think that I've proven that I can do it.
And just why do you have this deep-seated hatred for children anyway?
Take a wild guess.
Robbins, you're fired.
Just, just wait a minute, Ebenezer...
Taylor!
Ah, come on, Sir. You haven't been dying to call this guy Ebenezer?
Go for it, Taylor.
Sir, I have a child of my own at home.
And I will admit, it makes life more complicated sometimes.
But I gotta tell ya, it took me exactly one night
to realize how much easier I have it than Sarah.
I mean, I don't know how she does it, I really don't.
And if you're not smart enough to realize what you have here,
then, frankly, I don't want to do business with you.
Oy, I hope this is gas.
Let's get outta here!
I'm right behind you, Dad.
What a surprise.
Ed, wait! Hey, are we still on for tennis?
What does that mean? One o'clock?
I'm sorry, Michael.
I've made your last 12 hours a nightmare.
Look at you, baby.
Look at you.
(BABY SNEEZES) Oh...
(CHUCKLES) Thank you very much.
Thank you, Michael.
Hey...
What are you gonna do now?
(SIGHS)
Well, actually, I'm gonna be very busy for a while
with my discrimination lawsuit against my former employer.
Know any good babysitters?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I, I happen to have a daughter at home and...
If she's not available, I have a Joey at home.
(CHUCKLES)
And, uh, if he's not available
I guess I am.
Here comes the choo-choo.
Open the tunnel.
(MIMICS TRAIN CHUGGING)
(CHUCKLES)
(SPITS)
Well, goodnight, everybody. I'm going to bed.
I'll probably sleep like a baby.
That's the stupidest expression I've ever heard.
Goodnight, sweetie. Goodnight, honey.
I hope Gracie turns out as well as Nicole.
Yeah... I tell you something.
You know, this whole experience has really made me
kind of regret missing Nicole's baby years.
Yeah, well, someday, if we're lucky,
maybe we'll have babies of our own.
Nothing like spending time with a baby to take the edge off a person, huh?
(COOING)
(BABY GURGLES)
(COOING CONTINUES)
What the hell are you looking at?