Saving Silverman (2001) - full transcript
Two dim-witted former high school buddys and Neil Diamond fanactics, Wayne and J.D., plot to keep their friend Darren from marrying the wrong woman, a domineering and spiteful psychologist named Judith by kidnapping her and trying to set Darren up with his old high school girlfriend Sandy who plans to become a nun.
(CROWD CHEERING)
( HOLLY HOLY by Neil Diamond
PLAYING)
NEIL DIAMOND:
* Sing, sing a song
* Sing a song of songs
* Sing it out
* Sing it strong
* Yeah
* Honey, yeah
* Call the sun
in the dead of the night
* And the sun's gonna rise
in the sky *
Neil Diamond,
Hot August Night, 1972.
That concert rocked.
And rolled.
I know, 'cause I was there.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(WATER SPLASHING)
That's me.
My water broke.
WAYNE:
Ever since then I've had this
cosmic connection with Neil.
But this story
isn't about Neil.
It's about me
and my two pals,
Darren and J.D.
Best friends
since fifth grade.
That's J.D.
He's lactose intolerant.
(GAGGING)
(KIDS GROANING)
And he's not very bright.
Uh, that's Darren Silverman.
He's the romantic.
But when it comes to women,
he's incredibly gullible.
(EXCLAIMS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
WAYNE: That's me, Wayne.
I'm loyal to my friends.
If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat you up.
Me, too!
CHILDREN:
Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
Don't!
(ALL SHOUTING)
(SCREAMS)
WAYNE: After that,
I started working out.
We stayed best friends
throughout high school.
Yep, I was
the third-string quarterback.
(SQUAWKS)
J.D. became
the school mascot.
* Hey, what you say?
* I don't remember
that I hear you
* Yeah, yeah, you,
yeah, you, yeah, you,
yeah, you *
WAYNE: And Darren joined
the cheerleading squad.
(CHEERING)
(DARREN WHOOPING)
Uh, that's Sandy.
Yeah, Darren's always
had a thing for her.
CHEERLEADERS:
When you're up against
the Warbird,
you're upside down!
WAYNE:
Oh, that's Coach Norton.
He was a big
influence in our lives.
He taught us many things.
Two things you got
to remember, boys.
Number one,
stay away from women.
All they want from you
is your man juice.
Now, if you get any urges
that you can't suppress
with hard liquor,
use this.
WAYNE:
Oh, and number two?
Sportsmanship!
Sportsmanship!
(GRUNTING)
COACH:
Sportsmanship!
(GROANING)
Healy! You fairy
wimp fruit bag!
You suck!
Lefessier!
Get out there!
I just gotta
get my helmet.
Hey, guys! Guys...
Guys, I'm in!
(BOTH WHOOPING)
He's in! Wayne!
Go, Wayne!
Go, Wayne!
(SHOUTS)
(SHOUTING)
Hike!
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
But now
we're all grown up.
(WHOOPING)
J.D. is rapidly working
his way up the ladder
at Subway.
Recently, he was promoted
to temporary second assistant
manager in charge of training.
Okay McNugent,
let's see what you got.
Sir.
I've been working
with these guys
for eight weeks.
I'm proud to present to you
the future of Subway
sandwiches.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Belston.
Three sizes of bevi are
small, medium and what?
Uh...
Big?
Come on, like we practiced.
You can do this.
L...
L...
L...
L...
Long!
Hmm. Okay, we'll come
back to you.
Sir, this guy's
my stinkiest student
by far.
Trimble,
let's see you sub.
No. No.
Meat on the inside.
Bread on the outside.
Okay, take it away.
Take it away.
Take it away.
J.D.: Take it away!
Uh, don't judge me
on those two guys.
This next guy is
my protégé.
He's top of his class,
and for his thesis,
he made a party sub.
Heston, where's
the party sub?
(BELCHES)
WAYNE:
Darren is the social director
at a retirement home.
"D-17."
Bingo.
Bingo.
Abe, pull your pants up
or no more Matlock.
Oh!
(HORN HONKS)
Yoo-hoo!
Good mornin'.
WAYNE:
And, uh, I started
my own business.
WAYNE: Okay, what are
we dealin' with here?
I don't know
what it is,
but it sounds big.
(TWITTERING)
WAYNE: Stay back.
I'm goin' in.
Careful, sonny.
Hey, so you're causin'
all this trouble, huh?
Come here. Hey there.
(TWITTERING)
Hello.
(COOING)
You poor little thing, yeah.
Here's your ferocious beast.
Who is your mommy?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(YELPS)
Is it dead?
No, but she is
in one deep coon coma.
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh!
Don't! Don't!
Stop it!
WAYNE: But we all have
one mystical thing in common,
our love for Neil.
That's our band,
Diamonds in the Rough.
(SINGING CHERRY, CHERRY)
ALL: * Cherry, baby,
she got the way to groove me
* No, we won't tell a soul
where we gone to *
(LAUGHING)
* Girl, we do
whatever we want to
* Ah, I love the way
that you do me
* Cherry, babe,
you really get to me
* She got the way
to move me, Cherry
BOTH:
* She got the way
to groove me
ALL: * She got the way
to move me
* Cherry, baby
* She got the way
to groove me *
(SHOUTS)
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, uh, I'm Darren.
Sophie.
I was wondering,
maybe do you want to
grab a drink with me?
I'm sorry, I'm involved.
With a real entertainer.
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe I got
blown off again.
I'm never gonna find
the right girl.
Dude, you don't want
a chick who would
fuck a mime.
Dude, what does a mime
look like when he's
having sex anyway?
It's probably like,
"Oh, oh, I'm a mime.
"I'm a mime."
Hey. Mimes don't talk.
They do when
they're off duty.
It's not her.
It's... It's all women.
I'm really afraid
that there's nobody
out there for me.
The only girl
I ever loved walked out
of my life years ago.
Sandy Perkus.
DARREN: Remember her?
Her family was
with the circus.
Her dad was the strong man.
Her mom was the bearded lady.
And her brother was
the dogfaced boy.
Bye, Darren!
DARREN: Before I could muster
the courage to ask her out,
she moved away.
Remember?
You know, guys,
I truly believe
that there is
a one-and-only
someone for everyone.
And Sandy.
Sandy Perkus...
Was my one and only.
Man, that is
really romantic.
Oh, my God!
Look at that juicy
piece of ass.
( BUTTERFLY by Crazy Town
PLAYING)
WAYNE:
What do you think of her?
Who?
Right there.
DARREN: In the red? Oh.
Yeah,
she's gorgeous.
Go talk to her.
No.
Okay, I'll do it
for you.
What? Hey, wait!
DARREN: Wayne!
Hi! I'm Wayne.
No!
No, you don't understand.
I'm not hittin' on ya.
Back off.
I just want
to tell you about
my buddy, Darren.
He's smart.
He's sensitive.
I don't care.
I think he'd make
a wonderful husband.
I don't want to meet him.
Great!
Dude, she wants you.
She thinks you're really cute.
Really?
Yeah, she's like, "I'm
so excited to meet him,"
and everything.
Are you sure?
Totally.
Get down there
and make your move.
Oh, I don't know.
WAYNE: Come on!
You can do it!
Carpe poon!
Really?
Okay.
Okay,
I'll do it.
WAYNE: All right!
Yes!
Yes.
Hi!
I'm Darren.
Darren. My, uh...
My friend said
you wanted to meet me.
He lied.
(CHUCKLING)
That's, uh,
that's a good one.
(CHUCKLES)
No, seriously,
I don't want to meet you.
Well, um, my friend
must have been mistaken.
I'm really sorry
to bother you.
Mmm-hmm.
Let me guess.
That jerk tried
to get in your pants with
some tacky pickup line.
I'm not like that.
I use magic.
(EXCLAIMS)
Beat it, baldy.
Okay, good stuff.
Tough crowd. I like that.
I have here
two ordinary metal rings.
You, me.
Hello. Hello.
I "ruv" you.
Sorry. I forgot my beer.
This is my boyfriend, Darren,
so hit the bricks, porky.
Okay. Nice to meet you,
Darren.
Satan.
I'm really sorry
about hitting on you
before, I...
You should be.
I am. I am.
I just...
I wasn't thinking,
and, um...
You're so beautiful,
and I, um...
I'm sorry.
So make up for it.
Buy me a drink.
Yeah, okay.
I'll have a scotch.
Excuse me.
Can you give the lady
a scotch,
and I'll have
another beer.
Oh, he'll have
a gin and tonic.
Make that a gin and tonic.
WAITER:
You got it.
Can you believe
he hooked up with
the queen of all hotties?
Hey, they're just
havin' a drink together.
It's not like they're goin'
steady or anything.
Right.
DARREN: It's midnight.
Know what that means?
No. What?
It's our six-week
anniversary.
Oh.
Did you get me anything?
No.
That's okay.
That's okay.
No big deal.
But... I...
Got you a little something.
Thanks.
That's really nice.
You know,
I, I... I've been thinking.
(STAMMERING)
We've been...
Well, we've been together
for a while now,
and it seems like
maybe it's time
we get a little...
A little more intimate.
Are you saying
you want to have sex?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
I don't believe in
premarital sex.
I'd rather not cheapen
what we have together.
Of course.
Of course not.
Me neither.
So I think
it's best to wait.
I think you're right.
I think...
I mean, you're...
It's best. Yeah.
But that doesn't mean
that we can't
pleasure each other
in other ways.
I got ya!
Ho! I got ya!
Yeah, but... What?
(MOANS)
That was really great.
Thanks.
So, um...
That got me
pretty excited.
That's nice.
I mean, I... I wouldn't
mind if...
Someone did that
to me.
Oh, I get it.
You want me to
go down on you.
Yeah.
Oh, God, I would
love to but I can't.
I have very, very
sensitive...
Gums.
Oh!
It's... You have gums?
It's, um...
It's a medical condition?
Mmm-hmm.
No, I wouldn't want to
cause you any pain,
baby, no.
You're so sweet.
You know, there are
other ways to...
Give me pleasure
without using your mouth.
Oh, God, I am
so inconsiderate.
I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLING) No, that's...
That's fine. That's fine.
Have fun.
Watch your head.
This place is a dump.
I really don't
want to do this.
No. No, come on.
It's gonna be great.
It's our Sunday ritual,
and I want you
to be part of it.
I want you to get
to know these guys.
You're gonna
love 'em, honey.
You're gonna love 'em.
Yeah! Buddy!
What's up, dude?
What's up, J.D.?
Judy,
awesome to meet you.
Judith.
Judith.
And a beer bong
for the lady?
Uh, no.
Totally cool.
No peer pressure.
(CHOKING)
Judith rules!
Sorry. Come on in.
Dude, Darren.
Check it out, chewy.
(GROANING)
Yo.
You want a drink?
Hey, man.
Um, scotch
on the rocks.
No problem,
you want ice
with that?
I'll help him.
I'll help you
with that.
Hey, Judith, can I
give you the grand tour?
Uh, sure.
Let's start right here
in the Hall O' Neil.
This is Neil, '74.
Uh, check this out.
This is a set list from
the millennium concert. Look.
Signed by Neil.
Got that on eBay.
Looks like a Xerox.
No. This cost
a lot of money.
Check this out.
I think you got taken.
Ready? This shirt... Phew!
Was worn by Neil...
( SWEET CAROLINE
by Neil Diamond
INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
In concert.
Check it out.
We snuck backstage,
and totally stole it from him
while he was takin' a whiz.
Well, in my profession,
we call your obsession
with Neil Diamond
a delusional
projection fantasy.
Yeah, sure,
but he's America's
greatest songwriter,
and he's our hero.
And he's playin'
the forum in two weeks.
Yeah.
Of course, we can't go
'cause of the whole,
you know,
restraining order thing.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Neil, I love you!
(SHOUTS)
Come here! You again!
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD GASPS)
Neil! Neil! Neil!
Neil, hey!
Where ya goin'?
I wanna party with you!
I wanna party with you!
Right.
Game's on.
Game's on!
(BOTH SHOUTING)
What?
(WHISPERS)
I want to leave.
Sweetheart,
we just got here.
These guys are pigs.
Come on.
No, they're...they're
not that...
Hey. Hey!
What are you doin'?
Dude, if you get
the nachos stuck together,
that's one nacho.
Uh, okay, look,
why don't we just stay
for a little bit?
Just a little while, huh?
Oh, take mine.
Take mine. Take mine.
Give her the old
sweep-a-roo.
Yep, old Ethel.
We've been through
a lot of games together.
Enjoy.
Let me help you
with her.
She's got multiple
reclining positions.
That's okay.
I can just sit forward.
Nah, that's all right.
It's a little stuck.
No, no, it's fine.
Takes a little muscle.
(GROANING)
Come on,
you fuckin' piece of shit.
I don't need...
I prefer...
I got it. It's no trouble.
(SCREAMS)
(ALL CLAMORING)
I'm sorry.
That hardly ever happens.
(SOBBING)
J.D.: You know what?
I think it's... Yep.
It's the lug nut.
Fixed it.
Please, have a seat.
I'll stand.
I'm a...
Sorry.
Get me something.
Yeah.
(GASPS)
So Darren tells me
you're a psychologist?
That's right.
It's interesting.
I'm in a related field.
Really? What's that?
Pest and rodent removal.
How is that related?
We both help people.
While you help them
deal with their emotional
and intellectual needs,
I protect them from gophers,
coons, roaches, silverfish...
He launched it.
All right, touchdown!
(BOTH CHEERING)
(SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
I don't want you
to see Wayne or J.D.
ever again, Darren.
What? But they're
my best friends.
You're getting new friends,
and you're quitting
that bullshit band.
I know you're upset.
I... I do,
but I'm not dropping
Wayne and J.D.,
and I'm not quitting
the band.
Okay, fine,
no more sex.
What?
You're not allowed to
go down on me
for one month.
No, Judith, please...
Don't make me take away
your masturbation
privileges.
( CHERRY, CHERRY
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
* My baby is loving me,
yes, yes, she does
* Oh, she tells me
all the time, oh, Cherry
* All the time
* She says
she's going to be
showing me tonight
* Oh, Cherry, what are you
going to show me?
* Oh, baby
* You got
the way to be moving me,
oh, Cherry, baby *
You go, boys.
You sing this song.
You know it.
Come on, boys.
Come on! Sing it!
Sing it!
This blows, man!
Judith's out of control.
We gotta do somethin'.
Dude, besides
ruining the band,
what else has she done?
What? Ever since she
moved in with him,
she's controlled his life.
She didn't like how
his ass looked. Made him
get butt cheek implants.
(GROANS)
I thought his ass
looked tighter.
Check this out.
Last night,
torched his
Neil Diamond albums.
She torched Neil?
DARREN: Oh!
You're right.
The woman's a monster.
BOTH: Two, three, four.
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba,
bop, bop
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba
bop, bop
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba
bop, bop *
Hey!
Yes!
Hey, guys,
sorry I'm late.
It's all right.
I only have a minute.
I have to get back
and wax Judith's legs.
We miss you.
We never see you anymore.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, I am,
but I've just been so happy
spending time with Judith.
You know? Plus,
with my relationship
counseling sessions...
Counseling?
Yeah, yeah.
I go two hours,
three times a week.
Oh. Who's
your counselor?
Judith.
Look. We don't think
she's right for you.
Break up with her.
She's ruining our lives
and yours.
And this graph should
illustrate our point. Look.
Before Judith,
our fun level was at
an all-time high, 93.
It is now
an eight.
Band numbers
have plunged
dramatically as well.
Girls, never very high,
at nine,
but look now. Two.
This has obviously led
to increased whacking off.
I'm chafing.
(BEEPING)
Shit. I have to get home
and heat the wax.
Uh, guys, listen.
Thanks for your concern.
Really. And I miss you, too.
But it was great seein' ya,
all right?
That guy's in
serious trouble.
Yeah.
We need to save him.
Sorry to bother ya.
What are you doing here?
Uh, well, first,
we want to apologize
for the beer shower.
And the salsa bath.
That was bad.
Get the hell out of here.
Whoa. Wait.
Just give us a minute,
okay?
My rate is $200 an hour.
Do you have any money?
I got some of that.
Just give me the big bills.
Six. Is that
all you have?
37, 38.
Two and a half minutes.
Okay, look,
we don't want you seeing
Darren anymore.
We don't think
you're right for him.
The band needs him.
But we're prepared
to buy you off.
With what?
My house.
Okay? Look.
My grandma here?
She was born in this house,
is buried in the backyard.
There's my mom.
There's my dad,
and there's me.
My dad was droppin' me
on my head.
But we're willing
to sign this
over to you,
if you just agree
not to see Darren.
I don't want
your shitty old house
or your dead grandmother.
I'll throw J.D. in.
He doesn't look
like much, but he's
hung like a horse.
It's true.
Look, Darren's mine.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
I own him.
He does whatever I say.
I'm in complete
control of him.
He's my puppet,
and I'm his puppet master.
You're not takin'
Darren away from us!
Just try to stop me.
One round.
Winner takes Darren.
You're on.
Kick her ass.
Go.
You've got quite a grip.
You must be
a heavy masturbator.
My guess is...
Three times a day?
I bet you're also
a premature ejaculator.
Start off
with a big bang.
Before you know it,
you're limp.
(ALARM BEEPING)
Hey!
I win. You lose.
Now get out.
God!
God!
Hey, check it out.
Hey, baby.
Hello, ladies.
(CHUCKLES)
So, uh, how much?
50 bucks for you
and 200 for your friend.
Okay.
All right.
I want you to be laughin'
like he just said somethin'...
(LAUGHING)
(I LIKE TO MOVE IT
by Reel 2 Real
PLAYING ON STEREO)
Perfect!
Get this one! Be like this!
Like this! Like this!
Douche! Douche!
Yeah you... Slap his ass!
That's not sexy.
Yeah! Awesome!
Dude, watch it!
You're movin my guy.
Oh.
Look it. Look it.
J.D.: Good.
WAYNE:
Ah, dude. Check this out.
J.D.: Hurry up. Let's go.
WAYNE: Okay.
Okay, mailed.
Check. Let's go.
Don't look back!
Hurry up! Come on!
Hey, Judith.
How's it goin'?
Not so good.
Look at these.
Oh, my God.
Oh!
He's sick.
He's perverted.
And he's cheatin'
on you.
With two chicks.
I don't know.
I guess I'd dump him?
Oh, totally.
Right?
Yeah!
Do you guys think
there's anything weird
about these photos, though?
Mmm, no.
No, that's Darren,
all right.
Hey!
Darren doesn't
have a tattoo.
Nice try, idiots.
If I ever see either one
of you near Darren again,
I'll kill you.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, hey.
Hey!
Hey.
Thanks for meeting me here.
I have something really
important to tell you guys.
Aw, man,
you broke up.
No, no, no, no.
Out of the blue,
Judith proposed to me.
We're engaged.
What?
Dude, congratulations.
(FOOT STOMPS)
Ow!
Yeah, yeah, starting
next week, I'll be known
as Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.
Oh, right, 'cause you're gonna
take her last name, huh?
Yeah.
Wow.
Judith feels,
and I think she's got
a really good point here,
that it's sexist
for the woman to take
the man's last name.
Huh.
Yeah, and anyway,
it's too late
to make any changes
because we've already ordered
the monogrammed towels.
Right.
Yeah.
Darren.
Sandy? Sandy Perkus.
Oh, my God. Darren!
Wow! Hey!
It's been so long.
Yes, it has.
Hey, it's Wayne.
High school, remember?
You remember?
* You can dance
if you want to
* You can leave
your friends behind
* Because if your friends
don't dance and if
they don't dance *
Oh, right,
the senior talent show.
Yeah, you were booed
off the stage.
That was me.
Yep, Sandy, remember me,
J.D. McNugent?
I was the guy who went
to the prom with the tuxedo
painted on my naked body.
Oh, I... I guess I missed it.
I spilled a drink, and
the paint ran, and everyone
could see my dong.
It doesn't ring a bell.
Oh, oh, oh!
Remember that time
in science class,
I was lighting farts
with a Bunsen burner,
and I singed my ball sack?
Oh. No.
Man. I still can't
grow hair on my left nut.
It sucks.
So how are ya?
Oh! Great. Great.
I...I just moved back to town.
Oh, wow, that's great.
WOMAN: Sandy!
Oh, gosh,
I have to go, but...
It was... It was great
seeing you.
Yeah, same here.
Me, too.
Bye.
Bye.
Take care.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
Awesome.
Yeah, bye! Bye.
Wow.
Oh, my God!
This is it!
What?
It's your big chance.
Sandy Perkus has just
walked back into your life.
You even said so yourself.
She was your
one-and-only someone!
She used to be.
Now Judith is
my one-and-only someone.
Okay, I'll... I'll talk
to you guys later, okay?
Isn't one-and-only
like one...
And only?
(PIANO PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Here's your drink.
Where's the lemon wedge?
Sorry. We were out of lemons,
but I could run to the store.
Forget it.
I want you to meet
two exciting people.
Brett is a tax attorney,
and Clayton's a CPA.
Wow. That... That is...
That is exciting.
This is my fiancé,
Darren.
Pleased to
meet you.
Same here.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, excuse me.
I'll get that.
Hi.
Hi. Is, uh,
Darren here?
I think he left
his Vespa helmet.
What's goin' on?
We're having
our engagement party.
Oh, then I guess
our invitations must have
been lost in the mail.
No, I think it's very
possible, Wayne,
that she didn't even
send us invitations.
Thanks for stopping by.
Who's Darren
talkin' to?
Those are his
new friends.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, good.
I'll have a merlot.
I'll have a spritzer.
We don't work here.
Fooled me.
Okay, my name is Brett,
and this is Clayton.
And this is Darren.
Yeah, we know
who he is, Clayton.
Darren's our friend, Brett.
We knew him first.
Fuck you,
replacement friend!
Eat this,
fake Wayne!
(MEN CLAMORING)
(YELLING)
(SHRIEKS)
(ALL SHOUTING)
Get out of here!
MEN: Get out!
Hey! This isn't over yet!
We're not givin' up
on Darren!
Yeah!
Come on! Yeah, ha!
WAYNE: She thinks
this game is over.
It's not over! No!
We are taking
this into overtime!
Come on! Yeah, ha!
Yeah! Okay,
strategy session.
Okay, our enemy is wicked.
Dude, she's
Freddy Krueger.
Damien.
Dude, she's Vader.
No! She's the Emperor!
Yeah, but with
really great tits.
Okay, now, Sandy,
that girl,
she's a nice girl.
Oh, yeah.
She's a sweetheart.
Dude, a saint.
She's a goddess.
A princess.
Know what,
she's kind of like
Mother Teresa.
Yeah, but with
way better tits.
And Darren loves Sandy,
no matter what he says.
Definitely.
That is why
we have to intervene...
Yep.
And fix the problem!
Definitely!
All right! Yeah!
We're gonna kidnap Judith
and set Darren up with Sandy.
Yeah!
What?
(STATIC CRACKLING)
(IMITATES STATIC)
The bat is leaving the cave.
Roger that.
Gaw...
Uh?
WAYNE ON RADIO:
Alarm system has been
deactivated. Out.
(IMITATES STATIC)
Roger that.
Dude, you don't
have to do the...
(IMITATES STATIC)
Sound.
It already does that. Out.
Copy that.
I'm not gonna make the
(IMITATES STATIC)
sound after I say stuff
from now on.
J.D. McNugent,
over and out.
(IMITATES STATIC)
That was the last one.
(WHISPERING)
I'm scared.
What if we get caught?
(WHISPERING)
Not gonna happen.
I'm hungry.
We'll eat later.
Could we go
to Happy Burger?
Yes, after
the kidnapping.
I'm gonna get
a Chubby Checker with...
Shh!
With cheese.
(CAWS)
What?
You go downstairs.
I'll check upstairs.
Do the Navy SEALs signals.
Come on.
I only know
the Air Force signals.
J.D.: I'm gonna
be on lookout.
Shh! God.
WAYNE:
I haven't located her yet.
Me neither.
Keep checking.
Wait a second,
I think I see something
in the back of the refrig...
In the back
of the closet.
Check it out.
Nope. Coast is clear.
I'm gonna keep lookin'
down here, buddy.
You keep an eye
peeled up there.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(FLOOR CREAKS)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
Ow! Oh, shit!
(WAYNE SHOUTING ON RADIO)
What is it?
I'm hit.
I need backup.
I'm comin'.
What happened?
(EXCLAIMS)
(WHIMPERS)
(MUTTERING NERVOUSLY)
(SHOUTS)
(LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
Ow!
Help!
(GROANING)
Dead... Leg.
(GROANS)
Help me, Wayne!
(SHOUTS)
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
Get the door.
Get the door.
(GRUNTING)
DARREN:
Judith?
Judith?
DARREN:
"Darren, I'm leaving you.
We're finished. Done.
"Don't call, write,
e-mail or fax.
"I never want to see your face
or your fake butt again."
(DOGS BARKING)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
Okay, get down there.
Dude, wait. Why me?
Because you're in charge
of guarding Judith.
I'm dealing
with Darren and Sandy.
But when we let her go,
she'll be able
to identify me.
No, she, uh, won't be able to,
'cause you'll be wearing this.
But after we let
Judith go,
the cops will be looking for
a guy dressed in a bird suit.
So?
So what am I
gonna wear to work?
Your work clothes.
But tomorrow's
casual Friday.
Get downstairs!
Who the hell are you?
(DOOR LOCKS)
Hi.
Hey, Sandy!
Hi.
Hi, yeah.
Thanks for meeting me.
I know I just called you
out of the blue.
That's okay.
I love
catching up with old
high school friends.
Yeah.
Are you single?
Yes.
Great. Look, I wanted
to talk to you about
Darren Silverman.
He's a really
good guy.
Ah.
You know what?
He works with
the elderly.
Really!
Yeah.
That is so sweet.
You know, he still
talks about you
all the time.
Oh, Wayne,
there's something
I need to...
He even writes
poems about you.
In fact, I think
he loves you.
Wayne, I'm going
to become a nun.
Huh?
Yeah.
In a week
I take my final vows.
I didn't even know
that you were religious.
Oh, well, I wasn't
in high school.
But after I graduated,
I went and I joined
my parents in the circus.
And I became
a trapeze artist.
(CHEERING)
SANDY:
I fell in love with
my partner, Luigi Panini.
MAN ON P.A.:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the fabulous Luigi!
Everything was perfect,
until...
Well, there were these
talent scouts in the audience.
Luigi wanted
to impress them.
He was a great
trapeze artist,
but he was
completely vain.
MAN ON PA:
And now Luigi will attempt
the most dangerous stunt
in the history of trapeze,
the Quadruple Bierman.
(CROWD GASPING)
(GASPING)
(CHEERING)
Luigi!
(ALL GASPING)
(LUIGI THUDS)
Wow.
Yeah.
After Luigi died,
I knew I would never
love again.
That's when I decided to
devote my life to serving
the Lord and helping others.
So you haven't taken
your final vows yet,
right?
Right.
So, technically,
you're not a nun yet.
Well, no.
I mean, not yet.
So why not just have
lunch with Darren?
I just can't figure out
why Judith left.
It doesn't make
any sense.
She didn't even
take her clothes.
Maybe she went someplace
where she didn't need clothes,
like a nudist colony.
I don't think so.
Maybe she got kidnapped.
You think?
No, no. Definitely not.
That's impossible.
That's like...
Why would that happen
in a world?
Maybe she's a lesbo.
Maybe she's a herm.
Yeah, hermaphrodite.
Little dick, little puss.
(CHUCKLING)
What?
Hey!
Guess who
I bumped into today?
Who?
Sandy Perkus, and
she wants to see you.
I'm engaged
to Judith, Wayne.
She dumped you, dude.
Just have lunch
with Sandy.
What's it gonna hurt?
No way.
Judith's coming back.
Yeah,
what if she doesn't?
As long as Judith's alive,
I'll never give up on her.
Okay? Okay?
J.D.:
I got it. Crowbar me.
(WOOD SPLINTERING)
Oh, my God.
What is it?
This dead chick
is really stacked.
(GRUNTING)
Okay, go, go, go.
What are you doin'?
Jacket's caught.
Well, take it off.
I love this jacket!
Lose it!
(SHOUTING)
Oh, why, why, why?
Damn. That was
my favorite jacket.
A bizarre incident last night.
Local resident,
Judith Fessbeggler,
was incinerated beyond
recognition when her BMW
careened off a cliff
into a rocky gorge.
Investigators have
declared it an accident,
and no foul play
is suspected.
(SOBBING)
And in unrelated news,
the body of deceased
local resident Joan Snerd
was dug up in an apparent
grave robbing last night.
Police have arrested
three Cuban nationals.
(SOBBING)
Why are you doin' this?
So you can eat
and have somethin'
to wear.
No, why did you kidnap me?
I'm not supposed to tell ya.
Oh, I get it.
The other guy is the boss.
No, I make decisions, too.
I suggested that.
JUDITH: An outhouse. Clever.
Thanks.
You must be very
well-educated.
I suppose.
Ivy league?
More or less.
Oh, which one?
Yale, Harvard, Princeton?
SU.
Oh, Stanford University?
Subway University.
Oh, yeah, wait.
I know someone
who went there.
Did you know
J.D. McNugent?
No, no.
Never heard of
such a person ever!
Oh, well.
Well, see you
later, J.D.
Take it easy, Judith.
Goddamnit!
She knows
who we are?
Dude, there was nothin'
I could do.
She used her super
intellect on me, man.
She's like Hannibal Lecter.
Great. Now we can't
let her go.
So what are we gonna do?
J.D. AND WAYNE:
Coach! Coach! Hey!
Well! If it ain't my favorite
third-string quarterback...
And the best damn mascot
Wheaton High School ever had.
(SQUAWKING)
(LAUGHING)
He's still got it.
All right.
It's good seein' you boys.
I want to thank you
for comin' to my trial.
Oh no problem, Coach.
We were happy
to act as witnesses
on your behalf.
Yeah, that ref blew.
He deserved what he got.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
Touchdown!
No touchdown!
No touchdown!
He's out of bounds!
What?
Out of bounds!
CROWD:
Oh!
(ALL GASPING)
Whoops.
(CREAKING)
Coach, do you think
after you get out of prison
they'll let you get
your old job back?
Well, boys,
I don't think so.
So when are they
gonna let you out?
Well, I've got
an appeal pending,
but it doesn't look good.
The victim's whiny
family's protesting.
What's their
damn problem?
So what brings you boys
up here today?
Well, Coach,
we need your advice.
Okay, shoot.
Darren fell in love
with this girl Judith.
And we kidnapped her.
Kill her.
Okay, just wait a minute.
Let me finish.
So, we screwed up,
'cause now she knows
who we are.
We can't let her go,
or she'll turn us in.
Is that it?
That everything?
Yeah.
Hmm.
Kill her!
Well,
we can't kill her.
Sure, you can!
You're Wheaton Warbirds.
You can do anything
you put your minds to.
Yeah, but, Coach,
come on.
We can't actually
kill a person.
What is it that
I always said?
BOTH:
If you can dream it,
you can do it.
Exactly!
You have the dream.
All you have to do is
turn it into reality.
Okay.
Attaboy!
Now go on home
and snuff that bitch!
Come on, move.
Thanks, Coach.
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
Where's your bird suit?
I don't need it,
because we're...
Because we're
gonna kill you, right?
Right.
You guys aren't
gonna shoot me.
Oh, yeah?
What makes you say that?
Because you're not killers.
Sure, we are.
You've never
killed anyone.
I killed a man once.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Who?
Kevin... Beckley.
You didn't kill
Kevin Beckley.
He died in a car wreck.
She doesn't know that.
God damn it.
You see? You guys
have never killed anything
in your entire lives.
Oh, yeah?
One time I was drivin',
and this squirrel
ran out in the street.
I ran over him.
He didn't die right then,
but he was limpin' and stuff.
I'm pretty sure
he died
right after that.
Look.
It doesn't matter
whether we've killed
anybody or not.
We're gonna do it
right now! Ready?
J.D.: Ready!
Well, do it.
I can't!
God!
God damn it!
( SHOW ME THE MEANING
OF BEING LONELY by
The Backstreet Boys PLAYING)
Okay, it's Tuesday!
So?
So you're meetin'
Sandy for lunch.
Can't you see
I'm in mourning?
Right, but you promised
you'd be there.
You gave her
your word.
I didn't even
talk to her.
Okay, I gave her your word.
For God sakes, Wayne.
When are you gonna
give up on this idea
that I'll go out with Sandy?
When you go
out with Sandy.
Now come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Hey!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
WAYNE:
Come on! All right!
Come on.
Darren. Hi.
Sandy, hey! Wow.
You're wearin' the...
I'm training
to become a nun.
A nun?
Well, that explains it.
I hope it doesn't
freak you out.
No, it doesn't.
Actually, I'm relieved.
I think Wayne was tryin'
to set us up on a date.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, yeah. He's got
some crazy ideas.
Yeah. Now that I know
that you're unavailable,
it makes this easier.
We can just be friends.
Yeah.
Exactly, friends.
Please.
Oh, uh, thank you.
Sure.
So how are
your parents?
Oh, great.
They're making a fortune
on the Internet.
Wow. Good for them.
Oh and how is your
brother?
Dogfaced boy.
He got rabies.
God that's too bad.
Yeah.
For a while there, we thought
we were going to have
to put him down, but...
He recovered!
Oh, good. Good.
So, how are you?
Me? I'm... I'm great.
Yeah, everything's
been really good,
you know?
Yeah.
Well, my fiancée died.
She died?
Yeah, she's dead.
I am so sorry.
Don't be.
Please don't be sorry.
It's... It's nothing.
So how do you feel about...
(WHIMPERS)
Oh.
(SOBBING)
Oh, no. Oh, gosh.
Just cry.
Okay.
Let it out.
Uh-huh.
I'm here for you, okay?
I'm here for you.
Thank you.
* Hello, my friend, hello
BOTH:
* It's good to need you so
Wait a minute. Wait.
You're a Neil Diamond
fan, too?
Oh, the man's a genius.
Yeah, he's...he's the
greatest songwriter/performer
of this or any generation.
I know.
* It's good to love you
* Like I do
* And to feel this way
BOTH:
* When I hear you say
* Hello
Oh, God. Wow.
I could've been free.
Hey.
(CHUCKLES)
I brought you
some more videos.
You got your choice,
porno or monster trucks.
Oh, and I got one
that's both.
Thanks, J.D.
Hey. I really appreciate
you taking care of me.
My pleasure.
Hey, you strike me as
a pretty responsible guy.
Uh, thanks.
Yeah, that's why
I'm surprised
that you let Wayne
boss you around.
Wayne's not...
No... He...
No one bosses me around.
Wayne's not the boss of me.
Yeah, I think
that you seem
depressed and confused.
You think?
Not to mention,
I think you're
suffering from
a self-defeating
personality disorder.
Whoa.
Mmm-hmm.
Have you considered therapy?
I remember in high school,
you were really into
helping people.
At parties, you were always
the designated driver.
Right. And I remember
you were a really
good dancer.
And strong, too.
You used to be able to
lift me up over your head.
Mmm. Still can.
Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.
Ready? And...
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, Darren!
Help me!
Are you okay?
I can't...
Just hang on.
Swim.
I can't swim.
(DARREN GASPING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Darren! Darren!
Are you okay?
Thank you.
Thank you for saving me.
(CHUCKLES) No problem.
(COUGHING)
Let it out now.
There you go.
Come on.
Let's go, okay?
You're a lot stronger
than you were
in high school.
Yeah, well,
the convent's
got a great gym.
Oh.
Yeah.
And ever since then,
I've been afraid of toilets.
Right.
What else can I tell you
about the second grade?
You know what J.D.?
Let's fast-forward.
Have you ever had
a girlfriend?
Yes.
No.
Have you ever fantasized
about having sex
with a man?
Any man.
Which man?
You mean like
a tall man?
Sure, whatever.
'Cause I don't like
tall people.
They bother me.
Okay, how about
a short man?
How short?
Sometimes people can
be too short. That's weird.
Like midgets.
Have you ever
fantasized about
having sex with any man?
Any man at all?
Does that include
celebrities?
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
Um, I mean. Not that it
matters now.
But if had asked
you out back
in high school...
Would you have
gone out with me?
Definitely.
Not that it matters now...
You know...
Right. Of course.
Thanks.
Perfect.
Sure.
Oh, could you?
You know, turn around?
Right, yeah. Certainly.
Oh and uh...
I have these...
Oh.
Sorry, sorry.
Those are...
Thanks.
Um, can you...
Zip me up?
Yeah of course.
I had a really great time.
Yeah, me too.
You want to have
dinner tonight?
I can't.
Tomorrow, I have a test
in my catechism class,
and I have to score
at least an 85
so I can take
my final vows
on Sunday.
What about tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night,
I'm scheduled to take care
of an elderly nun
on her deathbed.
I understand.
But I'd really like
to see you again.
I'll get out of it.
I always knew I was different,
and now I know why!
I'm gay!
You're the only person
who's ever truly
understood me!
(WHINING)
I know. It's okay.
Just let it out.
Everything's gonna be okay.
It's all gonna be okay.
It's gonna be just...
Oh!
Hey!
Hey! Stop!
(GROANING)
Wayne?
Wayne!
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
Judith escaped!
Der!
(GROANING)
Get to the truck.
(BOTH GROANING)
Judith?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS)
Okay,
she can't be far.
J.D.: I see her!
Where? Okay, steady!
Steady!
(GLASS SHATTERING)
I missed her.
WAYNE: Gah!
Now, let's go,
go, go!
You go this way!
I'll go that way!
All right!
Hey!
JUDITH: Open up!
I've been kidnapped!
Hold your
goddamn horses.
Oh, thank God.
Hurry up.
Oh.
Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.
Young lady,
so horny, so impatient.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, scrotum!
WAYNE: Dude, she's stealing
the truck! Come on!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Now! Do her!
I got her!
I got her!
(GRUNTS)
Okay, Judith,
it's over.
You might as well turn
this thing around and head
back to the house.
Now, come on...
Hey!
(ZAPPING)
(GROANS)
Ah!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, thank God.
(SHRIEKS)
Hi, officers.
You're safe.
I'm Cowboy Wayne.
I just bagged me
one of them
killer goats
that escaped from the zoo.
Good job.
Yeah.
Okay, then.
I'll see you later.
(GRUNTS)
There. That should
hold you for tonight.
(GRUNTS)
Don't!
(EXHALES)
Hey, what
the hell happened?
Well, Judith was
givin' me some therapy...
And helped me
realize I was gay,
and the next thing...
Wait. What?
(LAUGHING)
I see what happened.
She messed
with your head.
Wayne, I'm gay.
No, you're not.
You're just unsuccessful
with women.
No, I'm gay.
Judith got me in touch
with the inner J.D.
How'd she do that?
She listened,
unlike other people who've
known me for years
and have ignored
all the tell-tale signs.
Like what?
Like my obsession
with Bette Midler.
My preference
for track lighting.
Oh, and the fact
that I like sucking dick.
What?
You've done that?
No... I mean not
with another guy.
No, but remember when
I bought that book on yoga?
Dude, that...
That's enough. I don't
want to hear anymore.
Look, you wanna be gay?
Fine, no problem.
But from now on,
I'll take care of
Judith myself.
Okay?
Okay.
You want to be gay
with me?
No!
All right.
( COUNTRY GRAMMAR
by Nelly PLAYING)
Come on, come on.
Go. Come on.
All you, all you.
All you, 11.
Okay. One more.
One more. Come on.
One more, one more.
Come on.
(GROANING)
Feel the burn.
Come on now.
(EXHALING)
11. Oh.
What's the matter,
dear?
You never used to be
so winded after only
five sets.
Well, Mother Superior,
(GRUNTING)
I'm having
some second thoughts
about becoming a nun.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
This is a terrific convent,
but I...
(GRUNTS) But?
Well, I...
I'm having these
feelings.
What kind of feelings?
Um, I, uh...
You mean sexual feelings?
Yeah. Yeah,
but it's so much more
than that.
(GRUNTS) Yes, well...
My dear...
You're the only one
who can decide if this is
the life you want to live.
But, once you take
your final vows,
there is no going back.
Now, let's go bust out
some power squats.
(WAYNE WHISTLING)
There.
That should keep you
from escaping again.
And this...
(GRUNTS)
This...
This should keep you
from biting.
How am I gonna eat?
I thought of that.
What is that?
It's breakfast.
It's pancakes, sausage,
uh, hash brown, Pop-Tart,
pureed.
I'm not eating that shit.
I want a Big Montana.
A what?
A Big Montana from Arby's
with curly fries.
No. I'm not gonna
get you one.
If you don't wanna
eat what I made for you,
then you can starve.
Why are you doing this?
It's the only way
to save our friendship.
It doesn't seem like
a friendship to me.
It seems like you're
in love with Darren.
Bullshit!
Just get over it.
Your buddy smokes pole,
and so do you.
(LAUGHING)
I am so un-gay.
Okay, fine.
Let's pretend for a second
that you're straight.
When's the last time
you got any?
That's none
of your business.
So, it's been years?
I'm waiting for
the right woman.
There is no right woman
for you, Wayne.
My guess is,
if there ever was,
you've already met her.
And she's either
killed herself or
become a lesbian.
Oh bite me!
Blow me!
Skank!
Eunuch!
Stealer...
Of my friend!
(SLOW ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
Hi.
Hey, hi.
What happened
to your head?
Oh, um, well,
I saw Judith.
Judith's dead.
Yeah, but...
I could have sworn
it was her.
I was, uh...
You poor thing.
You're still not
over her death.
Maybe we shouldn't
be seeing each other.
No. No, no.
No, God, I'm fine.
And look, I can
deal with this. Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
So, what are
you having?
Uh, let's see.
Ah, there's the duck.
That was always
Judith's favorite.
I'm sorry.
I should leave.
No, you shouldn't.
I'm so sorry.
God, uh, I will never mention
Judith's name again, really.
I swear. I swear.
Hey, uh, would you
excuse me for just a moment?
Uh, please,
I'll... I'll be right back.
Okay? In a... In a moment.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh! Damn it!
What do you want?
DARREN: Wayne,
it's me, Darren.
Look, there's a problem.
I'm with Sandy,
but I can't stop
talking about Judith.
Okay. I'll be right there.
(HORN HONKS)
Okay.
Open up your shirt.
Why?
Just do it.
What is this?
(GRUNTS) Okay. Now...
Here's what's
gonna happen.
(GRUNTS)
I'm going to listen
to your conversation.
Now...
(GRUNTS)
If you say anything
about Judith,
or so much as
mention her name,
then, I'm gonna
give you a little shock.
(MACHINE BEEPS)
Ow!
Perfect.
Ow! Ow.
I don't think
I'm comfortable
having these things
on my nipples, okay?
I can put 'em
on your balls.
The nipples are fine.
Nipples work.
Okay.
Hi. Sorry,
sorry, sorry.
I'm back. I am back.
It was a talkative
men's room...
Mmm.
Attendant.
That's okay.
Excuse me.
Hey.
This table's reserved, sir.
Do you know what?
I come here all the time,
and I spend a lot of money
in this place.
So, why don't you just
leave me the hell alone?
SANDY:
I don't mean
to be pushy, but
if this relationship
is gonna get serious,
then I have to give up
becoming a nun.
And I'd have to decide
soon because...
I'm taking
my final vows on Sunday.
Yeah, that thought
had occurred to me.
And if I do that,
I need to know...
That you want
marriage and a family.
Absolutely.
I never thought
I'd say this to anyone
after Luigi died, but...
I love you, Darren.
DARREN: Wow. Wow.
I love you too, Judith.
Ow! Ow.
Judith!
I mean, Sandy.
I mean.
Let's dance.
Okay?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
You're out of here.
Hey! Put me down!
I haven't ordered yet.
Time for an attitude
adjustment, mister.
Ooh! Ow!
Oh!
Hey. Nice move.
(GROANING)
Ooh!
Damn, he's good.
(GRUNTS)
Darren!
(GRUNTING)
Oh, my God.
Oh, geez. Oh, my...
(WHIMPERING)
Oh, my...
Are... Are you okay?
Yeah.
It was a little weird.
(ALL GASPING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(FIRE ALARM RINGING)
(SIREN BLARING)
WOMAN: Wait for me!
Darren. Darren,
Darren, Darren.
What's going on?
Okay, I can explain.
See, it's aversion therapy.
See, Wayne was trying
to help me get over Judith.
Judith?
I had these things
on my nipples...
Oh, my God. It's so much
worse than I thought.
No.
No, you're obviously not
ready for this relationship.
No, I am!
Sandy, wait!
Sandy... Okay...
Damn it!
Sandy! Sandy,
wait...wait, Sandy!
Sandy!
Wait, Sandy!
Sandy, wait!
(GRUNTS)
Sandy.
(GASPS)
Darren! Oh, my God!
Darren,
what happened to you?
Oh, I ran here
from the nightclub.
But that's 30 miles!
Yeah, I know, I just...
Wanted to say...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Can you
ever forgive me?
Oh, yeah.
'Cause the whole Judith thing
and the nipple clamps...
It's crazy and...
Yes!
Really?
Yes.
Just like that?
Yeah, well, I am training to
become a nun, you know.
Forgiveness is just
sort of my thing.
I love you.
Really?
I love you!
I love you.
Love. Love.
Happy?
You didn't have to do that.
Well, I just happened
to be by an Arby's,
and they were throwin' out
some old food so, you know,
I thought, why not?
Either way,
that's nice of you.
Hey,
I was wondering.
Why Darren?
What do you mean?
You just don't seem like
the type that goes for
a sensitive guy like Darren.
You seem more the kind
of woman that needs
an assertive type of guy.
Before I met Darren,
I was...
I was engaged
to a guy like that.
His idea of a fun weekend
was to fly to Thailand
and compete
in a kickboxing tournament.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
U.S.A.! Go, Josh!
Yeah!
(NECK SNAPPING)
No!
No!
(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
After that I decided
no more tough guys.
Hmm. Yeah, and then
you found Darren.
Yeah.
So do you even love him?
Well, I think there's
all different types of love.
Ah, I knew it!
Look, sometimes you have
to make cold,
rational decisions.
You can't always
follow your heart.
Yeah. Whatever.
Although I will admit
there's something sexy about
a man who takes charge.
Like you kidnapping me.
Mmm-hmm.
That took balls.
Big balls.
I gotta say
it turned me on.
It did?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh. Oh.
(PANTING) Chain.
Goddamn these chains!
(EXCLAIMS)
Give it a little key,
little key...
Wait!
What am I doing?
I can't let you go!
Just give me one free hand,
and I promise
it'll be worth it.
(PANTING)
Okay.
Okay, give me the fries.
Okay, okay, okay.
(MOANING)
Wow. Hey...
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Shit.
(DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING)
Just wait
one minute, okay?
Dude!
Dude, you got a boner?
No...
Why didn't you
answer the door?
I'm eatin'.
So?
I don't answer the door
when I'm eatin'.
Since when?
Since always.
I never knew that.
You didn't know
a lot of things.
You didn't know I was gay.
Is there anything else
you wanna tell me?
I got three balls.
Shut up! God!
Dude. Dude. Dude!
Hi, Coach.
Coach!
What are you doin' here?
Retrial. Got a judge
that's a sports fan.
Congrats.
What are you gonna do now?
That's why I'm here.
Need a place to crash.
Get my shit together.
Figure out my next move.
I knew I could
count on you boys.
Of course. Coach, our house is
your house,
We gotta talk about it.
You stay as long
as you like.
Great!
Where's the bathroom?
I gotta take a dump.
We don't use
the toilet anymore,
'cause we're cuttin' down
on the water bill.
What the hell
do you do?
Well, we just
use the lawn now.
Smart thinkin'.
Oh, God.
You've been pinchin' loaves
on the lawn, man?
I play croquet out there!
What, are you crazy?
The coach can't stay here.
We've got a woman
locked in the garage.
Oh, yeah.
(GRUNTS)
(COACH WHISTLES)
You boys got any T.P.?
No!
That's all right.
I'll find something.
Be cool. We'll find
some way to get rid of him.
Okay.
How about this?
We tell him we've got
dates tonight.
He can't be here
'cause we're gettin' laid.
Nah, he'll never
believe that.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, we'll tell him
we've got ghosts.
Oh, boys!
What's for supper?
Uh, listen, Coach...
We have ghosts.
What?
Uh, we were thinkin'
that maybe
you stayin' here is
not such a great idea.
Yeah.
Nonsense.
It'll give us a chance
to get to know one another
again.
By the way, did you boys
take care of that bitch
that was gonna
marry Silverman?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
We snuffed that bitch
just like you said.
Good.
How'd you do it?
Uh, we...
Ate her.
You ate her?
Yeah.
We ate her.
Alive.
My hat goes off to you.
You boys are smart.
That's the perfect crime.
Wonder what's on the tube.
No! Coach!
What the hell
have we got here?
Some kind of public access
show or something?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
That's your kidnap victim,
ain't it?
You didn't kill her,
did you?
No, Coach.
I am really disappointed
in you boys.
Now I want you
to go out there and
off that cooze.
Well, we can't,
Coach...
Oh, for Pete's sake!
Look, she's gettin' out!
Go chop her head off
or somethin'!
There's no fight
left in you boys.
You're nutless!
You've been pussified!
Don't worry about a thing,
boys. I'll take care
of that broad.
No, no.
No! Hey!
WAYNE: Hey!
Who the hell are you?
WAYNE: Judith, don't worry!
I'm comin'!
Let's just say
I'm a friend of the boys,
and I'm here to kill ya.
You don't mind
if I try to defend myself,
do you?
Of course not.
I love a good challenge.
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
Are you okay?
(GROANS)
Dude...
(SCREAMS)
Watch your step.
Got it?
(GRUNTS)
Hmm.
I'm so happy.
Oh, me, too.
Does this couch
fold out?
Mmm.
Mmm.
(MOANING)
DARREN: Oh, Sandy...
What the hell
is going on here?
Wha... Wha... Judith!
Yes. Yes!
You're alive!
Judith?
Who is this tramp?
I'm not a tramp!
Actually, until yesterday
I was training to
become a nun.
I'm gone for a week,
and you're screwing a nun?
No, no.
We're in love!
I thought you were dead.
Really? I'm not dead.
I was kidnapped, okay?
It was a living hell.
I was beaten
and tortured...
And treated like
a friggin' farm animal!
And the entire time,
the only thing that kept me
alive was the thought
that somewhere out there,
my sweet Darren still loved me
and that one day
we'd be together again.
It was so horrible.
(SOBBING)
Where are we going?
Where? I don't know.
We've gotta find her.
Come on!
Let's go!
Okay, where to?
Where to?
Go left!
I'm goin' right!
They kept me in a dark
closet for days,
and they fed me, like,
crushed potato chips
under the door.
(SOBBING)
Um, maybe...
I should go.
Oh, no. Sandy...
Sandy, no.
Please, please,
uh, don't.
Don't... Don't... Don't leave.
Well, but, I mean,
Judith's alive, and
she is your fiancée.
Yeah, uh, I know.
You're right.
You're right.
But, um,
but you can't go,
because I, um...
Because what?
Because I... I, um...
Why, Darren?
Yeah?
See, you, uh...
Yeah? Yeah?
Well, we... Because...
Sweetheart, we pledged
our love to one another.
Spare her the pain
of seeing us together.
You! Run along,
back to the nunnery.
Sandy, uh, she's right.
I mean, I did pledge.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Bye.
WAYNE: He's here!
Hey, Darren?
Sandy, hi.
Look, I can...
Darren! Sorry.
Darren, look, uh...
I understand that
you're really upset,
and I probably look like
a really big asshole, but I...
J.D.: Dude? Dude!
Dude.
Okay. I deserved that.
But now, let me explain...
Okay, I guess
I deserved that one, too,
but now we're even, okay?
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
Darren, stop!
We only did it
because we love you.
Oh, right.
Because you love me.
Oh.
Yeah, man. Come on.
Give me a hug.
(SHOUTING)
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
(SOBBING)
Freeze! Freeze!
Don't move!
Darren!
Don't think that my presence
here means I've forgiven you.
I... I just wanted to
tell you guys, in person,
that Judith and I are
getting married tomorrow.
You don't wanna
marry Judith! Admit it.
Of course I do.
Okay.
Then look into
my eyes and say it.
I wanna marry Judith.
Look into both our eyes
at the same time and say it.
I'm out of here.
Darren!
Come on.
We're sorry, okay?
What we did was wrong.
We gotta stop
that wedding.
Dude, how?
Let's go, you maggots!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hello!
Hey, Coach.
Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D.
Look, we need your help.
I'd do anything for you boys.
You're like sons to me.
Name it, you got it.
Well, we need you
to post bail for us.
It's, uh,
10,000 apiece.
No way!
Come on, Coach.
We need your help.
Jail life is real tough.
They're...
Sodomizing us in here.
What?
They're cornholing you?
Yeah.
Oh, my God,
that's horrible.
Don't worry about it.
I'll get you out of there.
You got sodomized?
Who? I want to meet him.
(TRUCK BACKING UP)
What is that?
Sounds kinda like my truck.
Yeah.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
Get the lead out, boys!
Hut, hut, hut!
Come on. Move it!
Ha, ha!
You're free!
Now, where to, boys?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
J.D.: Go left!
COACH:
Yee-ha! Charge!
(ORGAN PLAYING)
Sandy Perkus,
do you vow to lead a life
of poverty, chastity,
obedience and silence?
Wait! Wait!
Uh, sorry.
Sandy... Sandy...
Sandy,
look you can't do this.
You love Darren, right?
Well, yeah.
Well, Darren loves you.
Really?
Darren's her boyfriend,
but he's got this other
girlfriend,
and he's gettin' ma...
Look, so what
are you gonna do?
Go, my child.
Okay.
Come on!
We've got a wedding to crash!
J.D.: Go, go, go, go!
SANDY: Bye, everybody!
Damn!
Lost another one.
Son of a bitch.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
Oh, here.
We got you some clothes.
Uh, where
did you get these?
Uh, J.D.'s sister.
She's a stripper.
And a hooker.
Oh.
Let's go. Go.
Oh, my gosh.
Neil Diamond!
What the hell
is going on?
Neil, let me explain.
You're the guys who've
been sending me all
those letters...
And tapes...
And naked pictures.
What? We never sent you
any naked pictures.
Dude.
Sorry.
Look, Mr. Diamond,
you gotta help us save
our buddy, Darren.
He's gonna marry
the wrong woman.
Look, Sandy and Darren,
they broke up.
Love on the rocks.
Ain't no big surprise.
But you gotta help us
get them back together.
I don't know.
Come on Neil, turn on
your heart light.
Judith brainwashed him.
Darren was in love with me,
but I never knew it.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
Hold on!
And did I mention I was gay?
I've spent my whole life
writing songs about the
healing power of love.
But, up until right now,
they've only been words.
This may be my chance
to prove that those words
really mean something.
Now, you say that
if Darren marries...
ALL: Judith.
Judith he's gonna
be miserable.
ALL: Right.
I believe in happy endings.
And if Neil Diamond has
anything to do with it,
this love story's
gonna have one.
BOTH: Come on! Yeah! Ha!
We got Neil Diamond
on board! All right!
Where are we goin'?
The park on America Avenue.
Five-oh!
What?
Cops! Caprice.
Five cars back.
Goddamn heat.
One little prison break
and they're all over you.
Whoa, Coach. Whoa.
No matter what happens to me,
don't look back.
Just get this sweet little gal
to the man who loves her.
Pronto!
I'd rather be cut down
in a hail of gunfire
than to go back
to the big house.
Nice meetin' you,
Mr. Diamond.
Hey! Wha...
(GROANING)
( COMING TO AMERICA
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
* Far
* We've been traveling far
Coach, look out!
(SHOUTING)
(SCREAMING)
They're not cops!
* But not without a star
* Today
Hey, we're comin'
to America.
* Today
* They're coming
to America today *
PRIEST:
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
To join Darren Silverman
and Judith Fessbeggler
in holy matrimony.
If anyone has any
objections, speak now.
I do!
ALL: What?
Neil?
* Hello, my friends, hello
Neil!
Neil. Get to the part
where we say, "I do."
* It's good to need you so
* It's good to love you
* Like I do
* And to feel this way
* When I hear you say
* Hello
* Hello, my friends, hello
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Say, "I do."
No.
Say, "I do."
I can't because I...
* I think about you
I love Neil and
I love Sandy.
(CROWD GASPS)
You're in love
with this slut?
I am not a slut.
Sandy is my
one-and-only someone.
* Hello
Oh!
What about me?
Who's my someone?
* Hello again, hello
* It's good to need you so
* I think
(CROWD GASPS)
You ruined my life!
(GROANS)
But I saved Darren's!
Just because I lost
Darren doesn't mean
I'm crazy enough
to hook up with you!
(SHOUTING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Hey! Why can't you
just admit
that when you
kissed me you liked it?
You're right.
I have a weakness for
incompetent morons.
(CROWD GASPING)
Admit it!
(GROANS)
I'm the strong-willed,
assertive man that you need,
and you're the hardcore bitch
that I've always dreamed of.
(CHOKING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
* And I know it's late
* But I just couldn't wait
* Hello
(GRUNTS)
What about you?
When are you
gonna get hitched?
Actually, I'm not.
I'm gay.
Me, too.
Really?
By the power vested in me
by the state of Washington,
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I now pronounce you
man and man.
You may kiss the man.
( WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
( HOLLY HOLY
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
* Sing
* Sing
* Sing
Come on.
We need you for this one!
(CHEERING)
* Sing
* Sing a song
* Sing
* Sing a song of songs
* Sing
* Sing
* Sing it out
* Sing it strong
* Sing it
Yeah.
* Sing it
Yeah. Yeah!
* Sing it, sing it
* Yeah
* Yeah
* Call the sun
in the dead of night
* And the sun's
gonna rise in the sky
* Sun's gonna rise
* Touch a man
who can't walk upright
* And that lame man,
he's gonna fly
* He's gonna fly
* And I fly
* Fly
* Yeah
* Yeah, and I fly
* Holly holy love
* Dream of only you
* Holly holy, Holly
* Holy song
* Holly holy, Holly
* Holy rain
Yeah.
Yeah.
(AUDIENCE ROARING)
( I BELIEVE IN HAPPY ENDINGS
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
* I believe in happy endings
* Starry skies
and dreams come true
* I've believed it
since I first met you
* I believe in new beginnings
* Extra innings,
brand new starts
* Loving hearts that care
the way I do
* All these things
and happy endings, too
* Sad songs bring me
right down with the blues
* Glad songs take me
wherever I choose
* And I choose to be there
* So that I can declare why
* I believe in happy endings
* You're the reason,
love's the way
* And I'll believe it
till my dying day
* I know the cost
of tears and trouble
* Some get lost,
some make it through
* Me, I made it
'cause I always knew
* That you believed in
happy endings, too
* Sad songs bring me
right down with the blues
* Glad songs take me
wherever I choose
* And I choose to be there
* So that I can declare that
* I know the cost
of tears and troubles
* I got lost
but I got through
* And I made it
'cause I always knew
* That you believed in
happy endings, too
* You and me
* And happy endings
* Too
( HOLLY HOLY by Neil Diamond
PLAYING)
NEIL DIAMOND:
* Sing, sing a song
* Sing a song of songs
* Sing it out
* Sing it strong
* Yeah
* Honey, yeah
* Call the sun
in the dead of the night
* And the sun's gonna rise
in the sky *
Neil Diamond,
Hot August Night, 1972.
That concert rocked.
And rolled.
I know, 'cause I was there.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(WATER SPLASHING)
That's me.
My water broke.
WAYNE:
Ever since then I've had this
cosmic connection with Neil.
But this story
isn't about Neil.
It's about me
and my two pals,
Darren and J.D.
Best friends
since fifth grade.
That's J.D.
He's lactose intolerant.
(GAGGING)
(KIDS GROANING)
And he's not very bright.
Uh, that's Darren Silverman.
He's the romantic.
But when it comes to women,
he's incredibly gullible.
(EXCLAIMS)
(ALL LAUGHING)
WAYNE: That's me, Wayne.
I'm loyal to my friends.
If you weren't a girl,
I'd beat you up.
Me, too!
CHILDREN:
Ooh!
(GRUNTS)
Don't!
(ALL SHOUTING)
(SCREAMS)
WAYNE: After that,
I started working out.
We stayed best friends
throughout high school.
Yep, I was
the third-string quarterback.
(SQUAWKS)
J.D. became
the school mascot.
* Hey, what you say?
* I don't remember
that I hear you
* Yeah, yeah, you,
yeah, you, yeah, you,
yeah, you *
WAYNE: And Darren joined
the cheerleading squad.
(CHEERING)
(DARREN WHOOPING)
Uh, that's Sandy.
Yeah, Darren's always
had a thing for her.
CHEERLEADERS:
When you're up against
the Warbird,
you're upside down!
WAYNE:
Oh, that's Coach Norton.
He was a big
influence in our lives.
He taught us many things.
Two things you got
to remember, boys.
Number one,
stay away from women.
All they want from you
is your man juice.
Now, if you get any urges
that you can't suppress
with hard liquor,
use this.
WAYNE:
Oh, and number two?
Sportsmanship!
Sportsmanship!
(GRUNTING)
COACH:
Sportsmanship!
(GROANING)
Healy! You fairy
wimp fruit bag!
You suck!
Lefessier!
Get out there!
I just gotta
get my helmet.
Hey, guys! Guys...
Guys, I'm in!
(BOTH WHOOPING)
He's in! Wayne!
Go, Wayne!
Go, Wayne!
(SHOUTS)
(SHOUTING)
Hike!
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
But now
we're all grown up.
(WHOOPING)
J.D. is rapidly working
his way up the ladder
at Subway.
Recently, he was promoted
to temporary second assistant
manager in charge of training.
Okay McNugent,
let's see what you got.
Sir.
I've been working
with these guys
for eight weeks.
I'm proud to present to you
the future of Subway
sandwiches.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
Belston.
Three sizes of bevi are
small, medium and what?
Uh...
Big?
Come on, like we practiced.
You can do this.
L...
L...
L...
L...
Long!
Hmm. Okay, we'll come
back to you.
Sir, this guy's
my stinkiest student
by far.
Trimble,
let's see you sub.
No. No.
Meat on the inside.
Bread on the outside.
Okay, take it away.
Take it away.
Take it away.
J.D.: Take it away!
Uh, don't judge me
on those two guys.
This next guy is
my protégé.
He's top of his class,
and for his thesis,
he made a party sub.
Heston, where's
the party sub?
(BELCHES)
WAYNE:
Darren is the social director
at a retirement home.
"D-17."
Bingo.
Bingo.
Abe, pull your pants up
or no more Matlock.
Oh!
(HORN HONKS)
Yoo-hoo!
Good mornin'.
WAYNE:
And, uh, I started
my own business.
WAYNE: Okay, what are
we dealin' with here?
I don't know
what it is,
but it sounds big.
(TWITTERING)
WAYNE: Stay back.
I'm goin' in.
Careful, sonny.
Hey, so you're causin'
all this trouble, huh?
Come here. Hey there.
(TWITTERING)
Hello.
(COOING)
You poor little thing, yeah.
Here's your ferocious beast.
Who is your mommy?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(YELPS)
Is it dead?
No, but she is
in one deep coon coma.
(SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh!
Don't! Don't!
Stop it!
WAYNE: But we all have
one mystical thing in common,
our love for Neil.
That's our band,
Diamonds in the Rough.
(SINGING CHERRY, CHERRY)
ALL: * Cherry, baby,
she got the way to groove me
* No, we won't tell a soul
where we gone to *
(LAUGHING)
* Girl, we do
whatever we want to
* Ah, I love the way
that you do me
* Cherry, babe,
you really get to me
* She got the way
to move me, Cherry
BOTH:
* She got the way
to groove me
ALL: * She got the way
to move me
* Cherry, baby
* She got the way
to groove me *
(SHOUTS)
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, uh, I'm Darren.
Sophie.
I was wondering,
maybe do you want to
grab a drink with me?
I'm sorry, I'm involved.
With a real entertainer.
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe I got
blown off again.
I'm never gonna find
the right girl.
Dude, you don't want
a chick who would
fuck a mime.
Dude, what does a mime
look like when he's
having sex anyway?
It's probably like,
"Oh, oh, I'm a mime.
"I'm a mime."
Hey. Mimes don't talk.
They do when
they're off duty.
It's not her.
It's... It's all women.
I'm really afraid
that there's nobody
out there for me.
The only girl
I ever loved walked out
of my life years ago.
Sandy Perkus.
DARREN: Remember her?
Her family was
with the circus.
Her dad was the strong man.
Her mom was the bearded lady.
And her brother was
the dogfaced boy.
Bye, Darren!
DARREN: Before I could muster
the courage to ask her out,
she moved away.
Remember?
You know, guys,
I truly believe
that there is
a one-and-only
someone for everyone.
And Sandy.
Sandy Perkus...
Was my one and only.
Man, that is
really romantic.
Oh, my God!
Look at that juicy
piece of ass.
( BUTTERFLY by Crazy Town
PLAYING)
WAYNE:
What do you think of her?
Who?
Right there.
DARREN: In the red? Oh.
Yeah,
she's gorgeous.
Go talk to her.
No.
Okay, I'll do it
for you.
What? Hey, wait!
DARREN: Wayne!
Hi! I'm Wayne.
No!
No, you don't understand.
I'm not hittin' on ya.
Back off.
I just want
to tell you about
my buddy, Darren.
He's smart.
He's sensitive.
I don't care.
I think he'd make
a wonderful husband.
I don't want to meet him.
Great!
Dude, she wants you.
She thinks you're really cute.
Really?
Yeah, she's like, "I'm
so excited to meet him,"
and everything.
Are you sure?
Totally.
Get down there
and make your move.
Oh, I don't know.
WAYNE: Come on!
You can do it!
Carpe poon!
Really?
Okay.
Okay,
I'll do it.
WAYNE: All right!
Yes!
Yes.
Hi!
I'm Darren.
Darren. My, uh...
My friend said
you wanted to meet me.
He lied.
(CHUCKLING)
That's, uh,
that's a good one.
(CHUCKLES)
No, seriously,
I don't want to meet you.
Well, um, my friend
must have been mistaken.
I'm really sorry
to bother you.
Mmm-hmm.
Let me guess.
That jerk tried
to get in your pants with
some tacky pickup line.
I'm not like that.
I use magic.
(EXCLAIMS)
Beat it, baldy.
Okay, good stuff.
Tough crowd. I like that.
I have here
two ordinary metal rings.
You, me.
Hello. Hello.
I "ruv" you.
Sorry. I forgot my beer.
This is my boyfriend, Darren,
so hit the bricks, porky.
Okay. Nice to meet you,
Darren.
Satan.
I'm really sorry
about hitting on you
before, I...
You should be.
I am. I am.
I just...
I wasn't thinking,
and, um...
You're so beautiful,
and I, um...
I'm sorry.
So make up for it.
Buy me a drink.
Yeah, okay.
I'll have a scotch.
Excuse me.
Can you give the lady
a scotch,
and I'll have
another beer.
Oh, he'll have
a gin and tonic.
Make that a gin and tonic.
WAITER:
You got it.
Can you believe
he hooked up with
the queen of all hotties?
Hey, they're just
havin' a drink together.
It's not like they're goin'
steady or anything.
Right.
DARREN: It's midnight.
Know what that means?
No. What?
It's our six-week
anniversary.
Oh.
Did you get me anything?
No.
That's okay.
That's okay.
No big deal.
But... I...
Got you a little something.
Thanks.
That's really nice.
You know,
I, I... I've been thinking.
(STAMMERING)
We've been...
Well, we've been together
for a while now,
and it seems like
maybe it's time
we get a little...
A little more intimate.
Are you saying
you want to have sex?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
I don't believe in
premarital sex.
I'd rather not cheapen
what we have together.
Of course.
Of course not.
Me neither.
So I think
it's best to wait.
I think you're right.
I think...
I mean, you're...
It's best. Yeah.
But that doesn't mean
that we can't
pleasure each other
in other ways.
I got ya!
Ho! I got ya!
Yeah, but... What?
(MOANS)
That was really great.
Thanks.
So, um...
That got me
pretty excited.
That's nice.
I mean, I... I wouldn't
mind if...
Someone did that
to me.
Oh, I get it.
You want me to
go down on you.
Yeah.
Oh, God, I would
love to but I can't.
I have very, very
sensitive...
Gums.
Oh!
It's... You have gums?
It's, um...
It's a medical condition?
Mmm-hmm.
No, I wouldn't want to
cause you any pain,
baby, no.
You're so sweet.
You know, there are
other ways to...
Give me pleasure
without using your mouth.
Oh, God, I am
so inconsiderate.
I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLING) No, that's...
That's fine. That's fine.
Have fun.
Watch your head.
This place is a dump.
I really don't
want to do this.
No. No, come on.
It's gonna be great.
It's our Sunday ritual,
and I want you
to be part of it.
I want you to get
to know these guys.
You're gonna
love 'em, honey.
You're gonna love 'em.
Yeah! Buddy!
What's up, dude?
What's up, J.D.?
Judy,
awesome to meet you.
Judith.
Judith.
And a beer bong
for the lady?
Uh, no.
Totally cool.
No peer pressure.
(CHOKING)
Judith rules!
Sorry. Come on in.
Dude, Darren.
Check it out, chewy.
(GROANING)
Yo.
You want a drink?
Hey, man.
Um, scotch
on the rocks.
No problem,
you want ice
with that?
I'll help him.
I'll help you
with that.
Hey, Judith, can I
give you the grand tour?
Uh, sure.
Let's start right here
in the Hall O' Neil.
This is Neil, '74.
Uh, check this out.
This is a set list from
the millennium concert. Look.
Signed by Neil.
Got that on eBay.
Looks like a Xerox.
No. This cost
a lot of money.
Check this out.
I think you got taken.
Ready? This shirt... Phew!
Was worn by Neil...
( SWEET CAROLINE
by Neil Diamond
INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)
In concert.
Check it out.
We snuck backstage,
and totally stole it from him
while he was takin' a whiz.
Well, in my profession,
we call your obsession
with Neil Diamond
a delusional
projection fantasy.
Yeah, sure,
but he's America's
greatest songwriter,
and he's our hero.
And he's playin'
the forum in two weeks.
Yeah.
Of course, we can't go
'cause of the whole,
you know,
restraining order thing.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Neil, I love you!
(SHOUTS)
Come here! You again!
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD GASPS)
Neil! Neil! Neil!
Neil, hey!
Where ya goin'?
I wanna party with you!
I wanna party with you!
Right.
Game's on.
Game's on!
(BOTH SHOUTING)
What?
(WHISPERS)
I want to leave.
Sweetheart,
we just got here.
These guys are pigs.
Come on.
No, they're...they're
not that...
Hey. Hey!
What are you doin'?
Dude, if you get
the nachos stuck together,
that's one nacho.
Uh, okay, look,
why don't we just stay
for a little bit?
Just a little while, huh?
Oh, take mine.
Take mine. Take mine.
Give her the old
sweep-a-roo.
Yep, old Ethel.
We've been through
a lot of games together.
Enjoy.
Let me help you
with her.
She's got multiple
reclining positions.
That's okay.
I can just sit forward.
Nah, that's all right.
It's a little stuck.
No, no, it's fine.
Takes a little muscle.
(GROANING)
Come on,
you fuckin' piece of shit.
I don't need...
I prefer...
I got it. It's no trouble.
(SCREAMS)
(ALL CLAMORING)
I'm sorry.
That hardly ever happens.
(SOBBING)
J.D.: You know what?
I think it's... Yep.
It's the lug nut.
Fixed it.
Please, have a seat.
I'll stand.
I'm a...
Sorry.
Get me something.
Yeah.
(GASPS)
So Darren tells me
you're a psychologist?
That's right.
It's interesting.
I'm in a related field.
Really? What's that?
Pest and rodent removal.
How is that related?
We both help people.
While you help them
deal with their emotional
and intellectual needs,
I protect them from gophers,
coons, roaches, silverfish...
He launched it.
All right, touchdown!
(BOTH CHEERING)
(SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
I don't want you
to see Wayne or J.D.
ever again, Darren.
What? But they're
my best friends.
You're getting new friends,
and you're quitting
that bullshit band.
I know you're upset.
I... I do,
but I'm not dropping
Wayne and J.D.,
and I'm not quitting
the band.
Okay, fine,
no more sex.
What?
You're not allowed to
go down on me
for one month.
No, Judith, please...
Don't make me take away
your masturbation
privileges.
( CHERRY, CHERRY
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
* My baby is loving me,
yes, yes, she does
* Oh, she tells me
all the time, oh, Cherry
* All the time
* She says
she's going to be
showing me tonight
* Oh, Cherry, what are you
going to show me?
* Oh, baby
* You got
the way to be moving me,
oh, Cherry, baby *
You go, boys.
You sing this song.
You know it.
Come on, boys.
Come on! Sing it!
Sing it!
This blows, man!
Judith's out of control.
We gotta do somethin'.
Dude, besides
ruining the band,
what else has she done?
What? Ever since she
moved in with him,
she's controlled his life.
She didn't like how
his ass looked. Made him
get butt cheek implants.
(GROANS)
I thought his ass
looked tighter.
Check this out.
Last night,
torched his
Neil Diamond albums.
She torched Neil?
DARREN: Oh!
You're right.
The woman's a monster.
BOTH: Two, three, four.
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba,
bop, bop
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba
bop, bop
* Bop, bop, ba, da,
da, ba, da, da, ba
bop, bop *
Hey!
Yes!
Hey, guys,
sorry I'm late.
It's all right.
I only have a minute.
I have to get back
and wax Judith's legs.
We miss you.
We never see you anymore.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, I am,
but I've just been so happy
spending time with Judith.
You know? Plus,
with my relationship
counseling sessions...
Counseling?
Yeah, yeah.
I go two hours,
three times a week.
Oh. Who's
your counselor?
Judith.
Look. We don't think
she's right for you.
Break up with her.
She's ruining our lives
and yours.
And this graph should
illustrate our point. Look.
Before Judith,
our fun level was at
an all-time high, 93.
It is now
an eight.
Band numbers
have plunged
dramatically as well.
Girls, never very high,
at nine,
but look now. Two.
This has obviously led
to increased whacking off.
I'm chafing.
(BEEPING)
Shit. I have to get home
and heat the wax.
Uh, guys, listen.
Thanks for your concern.
Really. And I miss you, too.
But it was great seein' ya,
all right?
That guy's in
serious trouble.
Yeah.
We need to save him.
Sorry to bother ya.
What are you doing here?
Uh, well, first,
we want to apologize
for the beer shower.
And the salsa bath.
That was bad.
Get the hell out of here.
Whoa. Wait.
Just give us a minute,
okay?
My rate is $200 an hour.
Do you have any money?
I got some of that.
Just give me the big bills.
Six. Is that
all you have?
37, 38.
Two and a half minutes.
Okay, look,
we don't want you seeing
Darren anymore.
We don't think
you're right for him.
The band needs him.
But we're prepared
to buy you off.
With what?
My house.
Okay? Look.
My grandma here?
She was born in this house,
is buried in the backyard.
There's my mom.
There's my dad,
and there's me.
My dad was droppin' me
on my head.
But we're willing
to sign this
over to you,
if you just agree
not to see Darren.
I don't want
your shitty old house
or your dead grandmother.
I'll throw J.D. in.
He doesn't look
like much, but he's
hung like a horse.
It's true.
Look, Darren's mine.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
I own him.
He does whatever I say.
I'm in complete
control of him.
He's my puppet,
and I'm his puppet master.
You're not takin'
Darren away from us!
Just try to stop me.
One round.
Winner takes Darren.
You're on.
Kick her ass.
Go.
You've got quite a grip.
You must be
a heavy masturbator.
My guess is...
Three times a day?
I bet you're also
a premature ejaculator.
Start off
with a big bang.
Before you know it,
you're limp.
(ALARM BEEPING)
Hey!
I win. You lose.
Now get out.
God!
God!
Hey, check it out.
Hey, baby.
Hello, ladies.
(CHUCKLES)
So, uh, how much?
50 bucks for you
and 200 for your friend.
Okay.
All right.
I want you to be laughin'
like he just said somethin'...
(LAUGHING)
(I LIKE TO MOVE IT
by Reel 2 Real
PLAYING ON STEREO)
Perfect!
Get this one! Be like this!
Like this! Like this!
Douche! Douche!
Yeah you... Slap his ass!
That's not sexy.
Yeah! Awesome!
Dude, watch it!
You're movin my guy.
Oh.
Look it. Look it.
J.D.: Good.
WAYNE:
Ah, dude. Check this out.
J.D.: Hurry up. Let's go.
WAYNE: Okay.
Okay, mailed.
Check. Let's go.
Don't look back!
Hurry up! Come on!
Hey, Judith.
How's it goin'?
Not so good.
Look at these.
Oh, my God.
Oh!
He's sick.
He's perverted.
And he's cheatin'
on you.
With two chicks.
I don't know.
I guess I'd dump him?
Oh, totally.
Right?
Yeah!
Do you guys think
there's anything weird
about these photos, though?
Mmm, no.
No, that's Darren,
all right.
Hey!
Darren doesn't
have a tattoo.
Nice try, idiots.
If I ever see either one
of you near Darren again,
I'll kill you.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Hey, hey.
Hey!
Hey.
Thanks for meeting me here.
I have something really
important to tell you guys.
Aw, man,
you broke up.
No, no, no, no.
Out of the blue,
Judith proposed to me.
We're engaged.
What?
Dude, congratulations.
(FOOT STOMPS)
Ow!
Yeah, yeah, starting
next week, I'll be known
as Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.
Oh, right, 'cause you're gonna
take her last name, huh?
Yeah.
Wow.
Judith feels,
and I think she's got
a really good point here,
that it's sexist
for the woman to take
the man's last name.
Huh.
Yeah, and anyway,
it's too late
to make any changes
because we've already ordered
the monogrammed towels.
Right.
Yeah.
Darren.
Sandy? Sandy Perkus.
Oh, my God. Darren!
Wow! Hey!
It's been so long.
Yes, it has.
Hey, it's Wayne.
High school, remember?
You remember?
* You can dance
if you want to
* You can leave
your friends behind
* Because if your friends
don't dance and if
they don't dance *
Oh, right,
the senior talent show.
Yeah, you were booed
off the stage.
That was me.
Yep, Sandy, remember me,
J.D. McNugent?
I was the guy who went
to the prom with the tuxedo
painted on my naked body.
Oh, I... I guess I missed it.
I spilled a drink, and
the paint ran, and everyone
could see my dong.
It doesn't ring a bell.
Oh, oh, oh!
Remember that time
in science class,
I was lighting farts
with a Bunsen burner,
and I singed my ball sack?
Oh. No.
Man. I still can't
grow hair on my left nut.
It sucks.
So how are ya?
Oh! Great. Great.
I...I just moved back to town.
Oh, wow, that's great.
WOMAN: Sandy!
Oh, gosh,
I have to go, but...
It was... It was great
seeing you.
Yeah, same here.
Me, too.
Bye.
Bye.
Take care.
Yeah. Okay, bye.
Awesome.
Yeah, bye! Bye.
Wow.
Oh, my God!
This is it!
What?
It's your big chance.
Sandy Perkus has just
walked back into your life.
You even said so yourself.
She was your
one-and-only someone!
She used to be.
Now Judith is
my one-and-only someone.
Okay, I'll... I'll talk
to you guys later, okay?
Isn't one-and-only
like one...
And only?
(PIANO PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Here's your drink.
Where's the lemon wedge?
Sorry. We were out of lemons,
but I could run to the store.
Forget it.
I want you to meet
two exciting people.
Brett is a tax attorney,
and Clayton's a CPA.
Wow. That... That is...
That is exciting.
This is my fiancé,
Darren.
Pleased to
meet you.
Same here.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, excuse me.
I'll get that.
Hi.
Hi. Is, uh,
Darren here?
I think he left
his Vespa helmet.
What's goin' on?
We're having
our engagement party.
Oh, then I guess
our invitations must have
been lost in the mail.
No, I think it's very
possible, Wayne,
that she didn't even
send us invitations.
Thanks for stopping by.
Who's Darren
talkin' to?
Those are his
new friends.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, good.
I'll have a merlot.
I'll have a spritzer.
We don't work here.
Fooled me.
Okay, my name is Brett,
and this is Clayton.
And this is Darren.
Yeah, we know
who he is, Clayton.
Darren's our friend, Brett.
We knew him first.
Fuck you,
replacement friend!
Eat this,
fake Wayne!
(MEN CLAMORING)
(YELLING)
(SHRIEKS)
(ALL SHOUTING)
Get out of here!
MEN: Get out!
Hey! This isn't over yet!
We're not givin' up
on Darren!
Yeah!
Come on! Yeah, ha!
WAYNE: She thinks
this game is over.
It's not over! No!
We are taking
this into overtime!
Come on! Yeah, ha!
Yeah! Okay,
strategy session.
Okay, our enemy is wicked.
Dude, she's
Freddy Krueger.
Damien.
Dude, she's Vader.
No! She's the Emperor!
Yeah, but with
really great tits.
Okay, now, Sandy,
that girl,
she's a nice girl.
Oh, yeah.
She's a sweetheart.
Dude, a saint.
She's a goddess.
A princess.
Know what,
she's kind of like
Mother Teresa.
Yeah, but with
way better tits.
And Darren loves Sandy,
no matter what he says.
Definitely.
That is why
we have to intervene...
Yep.
And fix the problem!
Definitely!
All right! Yeah!
We're gonna kidnap Judith
and set Darren up with Sandy.
Yeah!
What?
(STATIC CRACKLING)
(IMITATES STATIC)
The bat is leaving the cave.
Roger that.
Gaw...
Uh?
WAYNE ON RADIO:
Alarm system has been
deactivated. Out.
(IMITATES STATIC)
Roger that.
Dude, you don't
have to do the...
(IMITATES STATIC)
Sound.
It already does that. Out.
Copy that.
I'm not gonna make the
(IMITATES STATIC)
sound after I say stuff
from now on.
J.D. McNugent,
over and out.
(IMITATES STATIC)
That was the last one.
(WHISPERING)
I'm scared.
What if we get caught?
(WHISPERING)
Not gonna happen.
I'm hungry.
We'll eat later.
Could we go
to Happy Burger?
Yes, after
the kidnapping.
I'm gonna get
a Chubby Checker with...
Shh!
With cheese.
(CAWS)
What?
You go downstairs.
I'll check upstairs.
Do the Navy SEALs signals.
Come on.
I only know
the Air Force signals.
J.D.: I'm gonna
be on lookout.
Shh! God.
WAYNE:
I haven't located her yet.
Me neither.
Keep checking.
Wait a second,
I think I see something
in the back of the refrig...
In the back
of the closet.
Check it out.
Nope. Coast is clear.
I'm gonna keep lookin'
down here, buddy.
You keep an eye
peeled up there.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(FLOOR CREAKS)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
Ow! Oh, shit!
(WAYNE SHOUTING ON RADIO)
What is it?
I'm hit.
I need backup.
I'm comin'.
What happened?
(EXCLAIMS)
(WHIMPERS)
(MUTTERING NERVOUSLY)
(SHOUTS)
(LAUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
Ow!
Help!
(GROANING)
Dead... Leg.
(GROANS)
Help me, Wayne!
(SHOUTS)
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
Get the door.
Get the door.
(GRUNTING)
DARREN:
Judith?
Judith?
DARREN:
"Darren, I'm leaving you.
We're finished. Done.
"Don't call, write,
e-mail or fax.
"I never want to see your face
or your fake butt again."
(DOGS BARKING)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
Okay, get down there.
Dude, wait. Why me?
Because you're in charge
of guarding Judith.
I'm dealing
with Darren and Sandy.
But when we let her go,
she'll be able
to identify me.
No, she, uh, won't be able to,
'cause you'll be wearing this.
But after we let
Judith go,
the cops will be looking for
a guy dressed in a bird suit.
So?
So what am I
gonna wear to work?
Your work clothes.
But tomorrow's
casual Friday.
Get downstairs!
Who the hell are you?
(DOOR LOCKS)
Hi.
Hey, Sandy!
Hi.
Hi, yeah.
Thanks for meeting me.
I know I just called you
out of the blue.
That's okay.
I love
catching up with old
high school friends.
Yeah.
Are you single?
Yes.
Great. Look, I wanted
to talk to you about
Darren Silverman.
He's a really
good guy.
Ah.
You know what?
He works with
the elderly.
Really!
Yeah.
That is so sweet.
You know, he still
talks about you
all the time.
Oh, Wayne,
there's something
I need to...
He even writes
poems about you.
In fact, I think
he loves you.
Wayne, I'm going
to become a nun.
Huh?
Yeah.
In a week
I take my final vows.
I didn't even know
that you were religious.
Oh, well, I wasn't
in high school.
But after I graduated,
I went and I joined
my parents in the circus.
And I became
a trapeze artist.
(CHEERING)
SANDY:
I fell in love with
my partner, Luigi Panini.
MAN ON P.A.:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the fabulous Luigi!
Everything was perfect,
until...
Well, there were these
talent scouts in the audience.
Luigi wanted
to impress them.
He was a great
trapeze artist,
but he was
completely vain.
MAN ON PA:
And now Luigi will attempt
the most dangerous stunt
in the history of trapeze,
the Quadruple Bierman.
(CROWD GASPING)
(GASPING)
(CHEERING)
Luigi!
(ALL GASPING)
(LUIGI THUDS)
Wow.
Yeah.
After Luigi died,
I knew I would never
love again.
That's when I decided to
devote my life to serving
the Lord and helping others.
So you haven't taken
your final vows yet,
right?
Right.
So, technically,
you're not a nun yet.
Well, no.
I mean, not yet.
So why not just have
lunch with Darren?
I just can't figure out
why Judith left.
It doesn't make
any sense.
She didn't even
take her clothes.
Maybe she went someplace
where she didn't need clothes,
like a nudist colony.
I don't think so.
Maybe she got kidnapped.
You think?
No, no. Definitely not.
That's impossible.
That's like...
Why would that happen
in a world?
Maybe she's a lesbo.
Maybe she's a herm.
Yeah, hermaphrodite.
Little dick, little puss.
(CHUCKLING)
What?
Hey!
Guess who
I bumped into today?
Who?
Sandy Perkus, and
she wants to see you.
I'm engaged
to Judith, Wayne.
She dumped you, dude.
Just have lunch
with Sandy.
What's it gonna hurt?
No way.
Judith's coming back.
Yeah,
what if she doesn't?
As long as Judith's alive,
I'll never give up on her.
Okay? Okay?
J.D.:
I got it. Crowbar me.
(WOOD SPLINTERING)
Oh, my God.
What is it?
This dead chick
is really stacked.
(GRUNTING)
Okay, go, go, go.
What are you doin'?
Jacket's caught.
Well, take it off.
I love this jacket!
Lose it!
(SHOUTING)
Oh, why, why, why?
Damn. That was
my favorite jacket.
A bizarre incident last night.
Local resident,
Judith Fessbeggler,
was incinerated beyond
recognition when her BMW
careened off a cliff
into a rocky gorge.
Investigators have
declared it an accident,
and no foul play
is suspected.
(SOBBING)
And in unrelated news,
the body of deceased
local resident Joan Snerd
was dug up in an apparent
grave robbing last night.
Police have arrested
three Cuban nationals.
(SOBBING)
Why are you doin' this?
So you can eat
and have somethin'
to wear.
No, why did you kidnap me?
I'm not supposed to tell ya.
Oh, I get it.
The other guy is the boss.
No, I make decisions, too.
I suggested that.
JUDITH: An outhouse. Clever.
Thanks.
You must be very
well-educated.
I suppose.
Ivy league?
More or less.
Oh, which one?
Yale, Harvard, Princeton?
SU.
Oh, Stanford University?
Subway University.
Oh, yeah, wait.
I know someone
who went there.
Did you know
J.D. McNugent?
No, no.
Never heard of
such a person ever!
Oh, well.
Well, see you
later, J.D.
Take it easy, Judith.
Goddamnit!
She knows
who we are?
Dude, there was nothin'
I could do.
She used her super
intellect on me, man.
She's like Hannibal Lecter.
Great. Now we can't
let her go.
So what are we gonna do?
J.D. AND WAYNE:
Coach! Coach! Hey!
Well! If it ain't my favorite
third-string quarterback...
And the best damn mascot
Wheaton High School ever had.
(SQUAWKING)
(LAUGHING)
He's still got it.
All right.
It's good seein' you boys.
I want to thank you
for comin' to my trial.
Oh no problem, Coach.
We were happy
to act as witnesses
on your behalf.
Yeah, that ref blew.
He deserved what he got.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
Touchdown!
No touchdown!
No touchdown!
He's out of bounds!
What?
Out of bounds!
CROWD:
Oh!
(ALL GASPING)
Whoops.
(CREAKING)
Coach, do you think
after you get out of prison
they'll let you get
your old job back?
Well, boys,
I don't think so.
So when are they
gonna let you out?
Well, I've got
an appeal pending,
but it doesn't look good.
The victim's whiny
family's protesting.
What's their
damn problem?
So what brings you boys
up here today?
Well, Coach,
we need your advice.
Okay, shoot.
Darren fell in love
with this girl Judith.
And we kidnapped her.
Kill her.
Okay, just wait a minute.
Let me finish.
So, we screwed up,
'cause now she knows
who we are.
We can't let her go,
or she'll turn us in.
Is that it?
That everything?
Yeah.
Hmm.
Kill her!
Well,
we can't kill her.
Sure, you can!
You're Wheaton Warbirds.
You can do anything
you put your minds to.
Yeah, but, Coach,
come on.
We can't actually
kill a person.
What is it that
I always said?
BOTH:
If you can dream it,
you can do it.
Exactly!
You have the dream.
All you have to do is
turn it into reality.
Okay.
Attaboy!
Now go on home
and snuff that bitch!
Come on, move.
Thanks, Coach.
Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
Where's your bird suit?
I don't need it,
because we're...
Because we're
gonna kill you, right?
Right.
You guys aren't
gonna shoot me.
Oh, yeah?
What makes you say that?
Because you're not killers.
Sure, we are.
You've never
killed anyone.
I killed a man once.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Who?
Kevin... Beckley.
You didn't kill
Kevin Beckley.
He died in a car wreck.
She doesn't know that.
God damn it.
You see? You guys
have never killed anything
in your entire lives.
Oh, yeah?
One time I was drivin',
and this squirrel
ran out in the street.
I ran over him.
He didn't die right then,
but he was limpin' and stuff.
I'm pretty sure
he died
right after that.
Look.
It doesn't matter
whether we've killed
anybody or not.
We're gonna do it
right now! Ready?
J.D.: Ready!
Well, do it.
I can't!
God!
God damn it!
( SHOW ME THE MEANING
OF BEING LONELY by
The Backstreet Boys PLAYING)
Okay, it's Tuesday!
So?
So you're meetin'
Sandy for lunch.
Can't you see
I'm in mourning?
Right, but you promised
you'd be there.
You gave her
your word.
I didn't even
talk to her.
Okay, I gave her your word.
For God sakes, Wayne.
When are you gonna
give up on this idea
that I'll go out with Sandy?
When you go
out with Sandy.
Now come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Hey!
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
WAYNE:
Come on! All right!
Come on.
Darren. Hi.
Sandy, hey! Wow.
You're wearin' the...
I'm training
to become a nun.
A nun?
Well, that explains it.
I hope it doesn't
freak you out.
No, it doesn't.
Actually, I'm relieved.
I think Wayne was tryin'
to set us up on a date.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, yeah. He's got
some crazy ideas.
Yeah. Now that I know
that you're unavailable,
it makes this easier.
We can just be friends.
Yeah.
Exactly, friends.
Please.
Oh, uh, thank you.
Sure.
So how are
your parents?
Oh, great.
They're making a fortune
on the Internet.
Wow. Good for them.
Oh and how is your
brother?
Dogfaced boy.
He got rabies.
God that's too bad.
Yeah.
For a while there, we thought
we were going to have
to put him down, but...
He recovered!
Oh, good. Good.
So, how are you?
Me? I'm... I'm great.
Yeah, everything's
been really good,
you know?
Yeah.
Well, my fiancée died.
She died?
Yeah, she's dead.
I am so sorry.
Don't be.
Please don't be sorry.
It's... It's nothing.
So how do you feel about...
(WHIMPERS)
Oh.
(SOBBING)
Oh, no. Oh, gosh.
Just cry.
Okay.
Let it out.
Uh-huh.
I'm here for you, okay?
I'm here for you.
Thank you.
* Hello, my friend, hello
BOTH:
* It's good to need you so
Wait a minute. Wait.
You're a Neil Diamond
fan, too?
Oh, the man's a genius.
Yeah, he's...he's the
greatest songwriter/performer
of this or any generation.
I know.
* It's good to love you
* Like I do
* And to feel this way
BOTH:
* When I hear you say
* Hello
Oh, God. Wow.
I could've been free.
Hey.
(CHUCKLES)
I brought you
some more videos.
You got your choice,
porno or monster trucks.
Oh, and I got one
that's both.
Thanks, J.D.
Hey. I really appreciate
you taking care of me.
My pleasure.
Hey, you strike me as
a pretty responsible guy.
Uh, thanks.
Yeah, that's why
I'm surprised
that you let Wayne
boss you around.
Wayne's not...
No... He...
No one bosses me around.
Wayne's not the boss of me.
Yeah, I think
that you seem
depressed and confused.
You think?
Not to mention,
I think you're
suffering from
a self-defeating
personality disorder.
Whoa.
Mmm-hmm.
Have you considered therapy?
I remember in high school,
you were really into
helping people.
At parties, you were always
the designated driver.
Right. And I remember
you were a really
good dancer.
And strong, too.
You used to be able to
lift me up over your head.
Mmm. Still can.
Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.
Ready? And...
Whoa! Whoa!
Oh, Darren!
Help me!
Are you okay?
I can't...
Just hang on.
Swim.
I can't swim.
(DARREN GASPING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Darren! Darren!
Are you okay?
Thank you.
Thank you for saving me.
(CHUCKLES) No problem.
(COUGHING)
Let it out now.
There you go.
Come on.
Let's go, okay?
You're a lot stronger
than you were
in high school.
Yeah, well,
the convent's
got a great gym.
Oh.
Yeah.
And ever since then,
I've been afraid of toilets.
Right.
What else can I tell you
about the second grade?
You know what J.D.?
Let's fast-forward.
Have you ever had
a girlfriend?
Yes.
No.
Have you ever fantasized
about having sex
with a man?
Any man.
Which man?
You mean like
a tall man?
Sure, whatever.
'Cause I don't like
tall people.
They bother me.
Okay, how about
a short man?
How short?
Sometimes people can
be too short. That's weird.
Like midgets.
Have you ever
fantasized about
having sex with any man?
Any man at all?
Does that include
celebrities?
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
Um, I mean. Not that it
matters now.
But if had asked
you out back
in high school...
Would you have
gone out with me?
Definitely.
Not that it matters now...
You know...
Right. Of course.
Thanks.
Perfect.
Sure.
Oh, could you?
You know, turn around?
Right, yeah. Certainly.
Oh and uh...
I have these...
Oh.
Sorry, sorry.
Those are...
Thanks.
Um, can you...
Zip me up?
Yeah of course.
I had a really great time.
Yeah, me too.
You want to have
dinner tonight?
I can't.
Tomorrow, I have a test
in my catechism class,
and I have to score
at least an 85
so I can take
my final vows
on Sunday.
What about tomorrow night?
Tomorrow night,
I'm scheduled to take care
of an elderly nun
on her deathbed.
I understand.
But I'd really like
to see you again.
I'll get out of it.
I always knew I was different,
and now I know why!
I'm gay!
You're the only person
who's ever truly
understood me!
(WHINING)
I know. It's okay.
Just let it out.
Everything's gonna be okay.
It's all gonna be okay.
It's gonna be just...
Oh!
Hey!
Hey! Stop!
(GROANING)
Wayne?
Wayne!
(SCREAMING)
(GROANS)
Judith escaped!
Der!
(GROANING)
Get to the truck.
(BOTH GROANING)
Judith?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS)
Okay,
she can't be far.
J.D.: I see her!
Where? Okay, steady!
Steady!
(GLASS SHATTERING)
I missed her.
WAYNE: Gah!
Now, let's go,
go, go!
You go this way!
I'll go that way!
All right!
Hey!
JUDITH: Open up!
I've been kidnapped!
Hold your
goddamn horses.
Oh, thank God.
Hurry up.
Oh.
Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.
Young lady,
so horny, so impatient.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, scrotum!
WAYNE: Dude, she's stealing
the truck! Come on!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Now! Do her!
I got her!
I got her!
(GRUNTS)
Okay, Judith,
it's over.
You might as well turn
this thing around and head
back to the house.
Now, come on...
Hey!
(ZAPPING)
(GROANS)
Ah!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, thank God.
(SHRIEKS)
Hi, officers.
You're safe.
I'm Cowboy Wayne.
I just bagged me
one of them
killer goats
that escaped from the zoo.
Good job.
Yeah.
Okay, then.
I'll see you later.
(GRUNTS)
There. That should
hold you for tonight.
(GRUNTS)
Don't!
(EXHALES)
Hey, what
the hell happened?
Well, Judith was
givin' me some therapy...
And helped me
realize I was gay,
and the next thing...
Wait. What?
(LAUGHING)
I see what happened.
She messed
with your head.
Wayne, I'm gay.
No, you're not.
You're just unsuccessful
with women.
No, I'm gay.
Judith got me in touch
with the inner J.D.
How'd she do that?
She listened,
unlike other people who've
known me for years
and have ignored
all the tell-tale signs.
Like what?
Like my obsession
with Bette Midler.
My preference
for track lighting.
Oh, and the fact
that I like sucking dick.
What?
You've done that?
No... I mean not
with another guy.
No, but remember when
I bought that book on yoga?
Dude, that...
That's enough. I don't
want to hear anymore.
Look, you wanna be gay?
Fine, no problem.
But from now on,
I'll take care of
Judith myself.
Okay?
Okay.
You want to be gay
with me?
No!
All right.
( COUNTRY GRAMMAR
by Nelly PLAYING)
Come on, come on.
Go. Come on.
All you, all you.
All you, 11.
Okay. One more.
One more. Come on.
One more, one more.
Come on.
(GROANING)
Feel the burn.
Come on now.
(EXHALING)
11. Oh.
What's the matter,
dear?
You never used to be
so winded after only
five sets.
Well, Mother Superior,
(GRUNTING)
I'm having
some second thoughts
about becoming a nun.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
This is a terrific convent,
but I...
(GRUNTS) But?
Well, I...
I'm having these
feelings.
What kind of feelings?
Um, I, uh...
You mean sexual feelings?
Yeah. Yeah,
but it's so much more
than that.
(GRUNTS) Yes, well...
My dear...
You're the only one
who can decide if this is
the life you want to live.
But, once you take
your final vows,
there is no going back.
Now, let's go bust out
some power squats.
(WAYNE WHISTLING)
There.
That should keep you
from escaping again.
And this...
(GRUNTS)
This...
This should keep you
from biting.
How am I gonna eat?
I thought of that.
What is that?
It's breakfast.
It's pancakes, sausage,
uh, hash brown, Pop-Tart,
pureed.
I'm not eating that shit.
I want a Big Montana.
A what?
A Big Montana from Arby's
with curly fries.
No. I'm not gonna
get you one.
If you don't wanna
eat what I made for you,
then you can starve.
Why are you doing this?
It's the only way
to save our friendship.
It doesn't seem like
a friendship to me.
It seems like you're
in love with Darren.
Bullshit!
Just get over it.
Your buddy smokes pole,
and so do you.
(LAUGHING)
I am so un-gay.
Okay, fine.
Let's pretend for a second
that you're straight.
When's the last time
you got any?
That's none
of your business.
So, it's been years?
I'm waiting for
the right woman.
There is no right woman
for you, Wayne.
My guess is,
if there ever was,
you've already met her.
And she's either
killed herself or
become a lesbian.
Oh bite me!
Blow me!
Skank!
Eunuch!
Stealer...
Of my friend!
(SLOW ROCK MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)
Hi.
Hey, hi.
What happened
to your head?
Oh, um, well,
I saw Judith.
Judith's dead.
Yeah, but...
I could have sworn
it was her.
I was, uh...
You poor thing.
You're still not
over her death.
Maybe we shouldn't
be seeing each other.
No. No, no.
No, God, I'm fine.
And look, I can
deal with this. Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
So, what are
you having?
Uh, let's see.
Ah, there's the duck.
That was always
Judith's favorite.
I'm sorry.
I should leave.
No, you shouldn't.
I'm so sorry.
God, uh, I will never mention
Judith's name again, really.
I swear. I swear.
Hey, uh, would you
excuse me for just a moment?
Uh, please,
I'll... I'll be right back.
Okay? In a... In a moment.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh! Damn it!
What do you want?
DARREN: Wayne,
it's me, Darren.
Look, there's a problem.
I'm with Sandy,
but I can't stop
talking about Judith.
Okay. I'll be right there.
(HORN HONKS)
Okay.
Open up your shirt.
Why?
Just do it.
What is this?
(GRUNTS) Okay. Now...
Here's what's
gonna happen.
(GRUNTS)
I'm going to listen
to your conversation.
Now...
(GRUNTS)
If you say anything
about Judith,
or so much as
mention her name,
then, I'm gonna
give you a little shock.
(MACHINE BEEPS)
Ow!
Perfect.
Ow! Ow.
I don't think
I'm comfortable
having these things
on my nipples, okay?
I can put 'em
on your balls.
The nipples are fine.
Nipples work.
Okay.
Hi. Sorry,
sorry, sorry.
I'm back. I am back.
It was a talkative
men's room...
Mmm.
Attendant.
That's okay.
Excuse me.
Hey.
This table's reserved, sir.
Do you know what?
I come here all the time,
and I spend a lot of money
in this place.
So, why don't you just
leave me the hell alone?
SANDY:
I don't mean
to be pushy, but
if this relationship
is gonna get serious,
then I have to give up
becoming a nun.
And I'd have to decide
soon because...
I'm taking
my final vows on Sunday.
Yeah, that thought
had occurred to me.
And if I do that,
I need to know...
That you want
marriage and a family.
Absolutely.
I never thought
I'd say this to anyone
after Luigi died, but...
I love you, Darren.
DARREN: Wow. Wow.
I love you too, Judith.
Ow! Ow.
Judith!
I mean, Sandy.
I mean.
Let's dance.
Okay?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
You're out of here.
Hey! Put me down!
I haven't ordered yet.
Time for an attitude
adjustment, mister.
Ooh! Ow!
Oh!
Hey. Nice move.
(GROANING)
Ooh!
Damn, he's good.
(GRUNTS)
Darren!
(GRUNTING)
Oh, my God.
Oh, geez. Oh, my...
(WHIMPERING)
Oh, my...
Are... Are you okay?
Yeah.
It was a little weird.
(ALL GASPING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
(FIRE ALARM RINGING)
(SIREN BLARING)
WOMAN: Wait for me!
Darren. Darren,
Darren, Darren.
What's going on?
Okay, I can explain.
See, it's aversion therapy.
See, Wayne was trying
to help me get over Judith.
Judith?
I had these things
on my nipples...
Oh, my God. It's so much
worse than I thought.
No.
No, you're obviously not
ready for this relationship.
No, I am!
Sandy, wait!
Sandy... Okay...
Damn it!
Sandy! Sandy,
wait...wait, Sandy!
Sandy!
Wait, Sandy!
Sandy, wait!
(GRUNTS)
Sandy.
(GASPS)
Darren! Oh, my God!
Darren,
what happened to you?
Oh, I ran here
from the nightclub.
But that's 30 miles!
Yeah, I know, I just...
Wanted to say...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Can you
ever forgive me?
Oh, yeah.
'Cause the whole Judith thing
and the nipple clamps...
It's crazy and...
Yes!
Really?
Yes.
Just like that?
Yeah, well, I am training to
become a nun, you know.
Forgiveness is just
sort of my thing.
I love you.
Really?
I love you!
I love you.
Love. Love.
Happy?
You didn't have to do that.
Well, I just happened
to be by an Arby's,
and they were throwin' out
some old food so, you know,
I thought, why not?
Either way,
that's nice of you.
Hey,
I was wondering.
Why Darren?
What do you mean?
You just don't seem like
the type that goes for
a sensitive guy like Darren.
You seem more the kind
of woman that needs
an assertive type of guy.
Before I met Darren,
I was...
I was engaged
to a guy like that.
His idea of a fun weekend
was to fly to Thailand
and compete
in a kickboxing tournament.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
U.S.A.! Go, Josh!
Yeah!
(NECK SNAPPING)
No!
No!
(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
After that I decided
no more tough guys.
Hmm. Yeah, and then
you found Darren.
Yeah.
So do you even love him?
Well, I think there's
all different types of love.
Ah, I knew it!
Look, sometimes you have
to make cold,
rational decisions.
You can't always
follow your heart.
Yeah. Whatever.
Although I will admit
there's something sexy about
a man who takes charge.
Like you kidnapping me.
Mmm-hmm.
That took balls.
Big balls.
I gotta say
it turned me on.
It did?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh. Oh.
(PANTING) Chain.
Goddamn these chains!
(EXCLAIMS)
Give it a little key,
little key...
Wait!
What am I doing?
I can't let you go!
Just give me one free hand,
and I promise
it'll be worth it.
(PANTING)
Okay.
Okay, give me the fries.
Okay, okay, okay.
(MOANING)
Wow. Hey...
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Shit.
(DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING)
Just wait
one minute, okay?
Dude!
Dude, you got a boner?
No...
Why didn't you
answer the door?
I'm eatin'.
So?
I don't answer the door
when I'm eatin'.
Since when?
Since always.
I never knew that.
You didn't know
a lot of things.
You didn't know I was gay.
Is there anything else
you wanna tell me?
I got three balls.
Shut up! God!
Dude. Dude. Dude!
Hi, Coach.
Coach!
What are you doin' here?
Retrial. Got a judge
that's a sports fan.
Congrats.
What are you gonna do now?
That's why I'm here.
Need a place to crash.
Get my shit together.
Figure out my next move.
I knew I could
count on you boys.
Of course. Coach, our house is
your house,
We gotta talk about it.
You stay as long
as you like.
Great!
Where's the bathroom?
I gotta take a dump.
We don't use
the toilet anymore,
'cause we're cuttin' down
on the water bill.
What the hell
do you do?
Well, we just
use the lawn now.
Smart thinkin'.
Oh, God.
You've been pinchin' loaves
on the lawn, man?
I play croquet out there!
What, are you crazy?
The coach can't stay here.
We've got a woman
locked in the garage.
Oh, yeah.
(GRUNTS)
(COACH WHISTLES)
You boys got any T.P.?
No!
That's all right.
I'll find something.
Be cool. We'll find
some way to get rid of him.
Okay.
How about this?
We tell him we've got
dates tonight.
He can't be here
'cause we're gettin' laid.
Nah, he'll never
believe that.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, we'll tell him
we've got ghosts.
Oh, boys!
What's for supper?
Uh, listen, Coach...
We have ghosts.
What?
Uh, we were thinkin'
that maybe
you stayin' here is
not such a great idea.
Yeah.
Nonsense.
It'll give us a chance
to get to know one another
again.
By the way, did you boys
take care of that bitch
that was gonna
marry Silverman?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
We snuffed that bitch
just like you said.
Good.
How'd you do it?
Uh, we...
Ate her.
You ate her?
Yeah.
We ate her.
Alive.
My hat goes off to you.
You boys are smart.
That's the perfect crime.
Wonder what's on the tube.
No! Coach!
What the hell
have we got here?
Some kind of public access
show or something?
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
That's your kidnap victim,
ain't it?
You didn't kill her,
did you?
No, Coach.
I am really disappointed
in you boys.
Now I want you
to go out there and
off that cooze.
Well, we can't,
Coach...
Oh, for Pete's sake!
Look, she's gettin' out!
Go chop her head off
or somethin'!
There's no fight
left in you boys.
You're nutless!
You've been pussified!
Don't worry about a thing,
boys. I'll take care
of that broad.
No, no.
No! Hey!
WAYNE: Hey!
Who the hell are you?
WAYNE: Judith, don't worry!
I'm comin'!
Let's just say
I'm a friend of the boys,
and I'm here to kill ya.
You don't mind
if I try to defend myself,
do you?
Of course not.
I love a good challenge.
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
Are you okay?
(GROANS)
Dude...
(SCREAMS)
Watch your step.
Got it?
(GRUNTS)
Hmm.
I'm so happy.
Oh, me, too.
Does this couch
fold out?
Mmm.
Mmm.
(MOANING)
DARREN: Oh, Sandy...
What the hell
is going on here?
Wha... Wha... Judith!
Yes. Yes!
You're alive!
Judith?
Who is this tramp?
I'm not a tramp!
Actually, until yesterday
I was training to
become a nun.
I'm gone for a week,
and you're screwing a nun?
No, no.
We're in love!
I thought you were dead.
Really? I'm not dead.
I was kidnapped, okay?
It was a living hell.
I was beaten
and tortured...
And treated like
a friggin' farm animal!
And the entire time,
the only thing that kept me
alive was the thought
that somewhere out there,
my sweet Darren still loved me
and that one day
we'd be together again.
It was so horrible.
(SOBBING)
Where are we going?
Where? I don't know.
We've gotta find her.
Come on!
Let's go!
Okay, where to?
Where to?
Go left!
I'm goin' right!
They kept me in a dark
closet for days,
and they fed me, like,
crushed potato chips
under the door.
(SOBBING)
Um, maybe...
I should go.
Oh, no. Sandy...
Sandy, no.
Please, please,
uh, don't.
Don't... Don't... Don't leave.
Well, but, I mean,
Judith's alive, and
she is your fiancée.
Yeah, uh, I know.
You're right.
You're right.
But, um,
but you can't go,
because I, um...
Because what?
Because I... I, um...
Why, Darren?
Yeah?
See, you, uh...
Yeah? Yeah?
Well, we... Because...
Sweetheart, we pledged
our love to one another.
Spare her the pain
of seeing us together.
You! Run along,
back to the nunnery.
Sandy, uh, she's right.
I mean, I did pledge.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
Bye.
WAYNE: He's here!
Hey, Darren?
Sandy, hi.
Look, I can...
Darren! Sorry.
Darren, look, uh...
I understand that
you're really upset,
and I probably look like
a really big asshole, but I...
J.D.: Dude? Dude!
Dude.
Okay. I deserved that.
But now, let me explain...
Okay, I guess
I deserved that one, too,
but now we're even, okay?
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
Darren, stop!
We only did it
because we love you.
Oh, right.
Because you love me.
Oh.
Yeah, man. Come on.
Give me a hug.
(SHOUTING)
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
(SOBBING)
Freeze! Freeze!
Don't move!
Darren!
Don't think that my presence
here means I've forgiven you.
I... I just wanted to
tell you guys, in person,
that Judith and I are
getting married tomorrow.
You don't wanna
marry Judith! Admit it.
Of course I do.
Okay.
Then look into
my eyes and say it.
I wanna marry Judith.
Look into both our eyes
at the same time and say it.
I'm out of here.
Darren!
Come on.
We're sorry, okay?
What we did was wrong.
We gotta stop
that wedding.
Dude, how?
Let's go, you maggots!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hello!
Hey, Coach.
Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D.
Look, we need your help.
I'd do anything for you boys.
You're like sons to me.
Name it, you got it.
Well, we need you
to post bail for us.
It's, uh,
10,000 apiece.
No way!
Come on, Coach.
We need your help.
Jail life is real tough.
They're...
Sodomizing us in here.
What?
They're cornholing you?
Yeah.
Oh, my God,
that's horrible.
Don't worry about it.
I'll get you out of there.
You got sodomized?
Who? I want to meet him.
(TRUCK BACKING UP)
What is that?
Sounds kinda like my truck.
Yeah.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Come on, boys.
Let's go!
Get the lead out, boys!
Hut, hut, hut!
Come on. Move it!
Ha, ha!
You're free!
Now, where to, boys?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
J.D.: Go left!
COACH:
Yee-ha! Charge!
(ORGAN PLAYING)
Sandy Perkus,
do you vow to lead a life
of poverty, chastity,
obedience and silence?
Wait! Wait!
Uh, sorry.
Sandy... Sandy...
Sandy,
look you can't do this.
You love Darren, right?
Well, yeah.
Well, Darren loves you.
Really?
Darren's her boyfriend,
but he's got this other
girlfriend,
and he's gettin' ma...
Look, so what
are you gonna do?
Go, my child.
Okay.
Come on!
We've got a wedding to crash!
J.D.: Go, go, go, go!
SANDY: Bye, everybody!
Damn!
Lost another one.
Son of a bitch.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
Oh, here.
We got you some clothes.
Uh, where
did you get these?
Uh, J.D.'s sister.
She's a stripper.
And a hooker.
Oh.
Let's go. Go.
Oh, my gosh.
Neil Diamond!
What the hell
is going on?
Neil, let me explain.
You're the guys who've
been sending me all
those letters...
And tapes...
And naked pictures.
What? We never sent you
any naked pictures.
Dude.
Sorry.
Look, Mr. Diamond,
you gotta help us save
our buddy, Darren.
He's gonna marry
the wrong woman.
Look, Sandy and Darren,
they broke up.
Love on the rocks.
Ain't no big surprise.
But you gotta help us
get them back together.
I don't know.
Come on Neil, turn on
your heart light.
Judith brainwashed him.
Darren was in love with me,
but I never knew it.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
Hold on!
And did I mention I was gay?
I've spent my whole life
writing songs about the
healing power of love.
But, up until right now,
they've only been words.
This may be my chance
to prove that those words
really mean something.
Now, you say that
if Darren marries...
ALL: Judith.
Judith he's gonna
be miserable.
ALL: Right.
I believe in happy endings.
And if Neil Diamond has
anything to do with it,
this love story's
gonna have one.
BOTH: Come on! Yeah! Ha!
We got Neil Diamond
on board! All right!
Where are we goin'?
The park on America Avenue.
Five-oh!
What?
Cops! Caprice.
Five cars back.
Goddamn heat.
One little prison break
and they're all over you.
Whoa, Coach. Whoa.
No matter what happens to me,
don't look back.
Just get this sweet little gal
to the man who loves her.
Pronto!
I'd rather be cut down
in a hail of gunfire
than to go back
to the big house.
Nice meetin' you,
Mr. Diamond.
Hey! Wha...
(GROANING)
( COMING TO AMERICA
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
* Far
* We've been traveling far
Coach, look out!
(SHOUTING)
(SCREAMING)
They're not cops!
* But not without a star
* Today
Hey, we're comin'
to America.
* Today
* They're coming
to America today *
PRIEST:
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
To join Darren Silverman
and Judith Fessbeggler
in holy matrimony.
If anyone has any
objections, speak now.
I do!
ALL: What?
Neil?
* Hello, my friends, hello
Neil!
Neil. Get to the part
where we say, "I do."
* It's good to need you so
* It's good to love you
* Like I do
* And to feel this way
* When I hear you say
* Hello
* Hello, my friends, hello
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Say, "I do."
No.
Say, "I do."
I can't because I...
* I think about you
I love Neil and
I love Sandy.
(CROWD GASPS)
You're in love
with this slut?
I am not a slut.
Sandy is my
one-and-only someone.
* Hello
Oh!
What about me?
Who's my someone?
* Hello again, hello
* It's good to need you so
* I think
(CROWD GASPS)
You ruined my life!
(GROANS)
But I saved Darren's!
Just because I lost
Darren doesn't mean
I'm crazy enough
to hook up with you!
(SHOUTING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Hey! Why can't you
just admit
that when you
kissed me you liked it?
You're right.
I have a weakness for
incompetent morons.
(CROWD GASPING)
Admit it!
(GROANS)
I'm the strong-willed,
assertive man that you need,
and you're the hardcore bitch
that I've always dreamed of.
(CHOKING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTING)
* And I know it's late
* But I just couldn't wait
* Hello
(GRUNTS)
What about you?
When are you
gonna get hitched?
Actually, I'm not.
I'm gay.
Me, too.
Really?
By the power vested in me
by the state of Washington,
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I now pronounce you
man and man.
You may kiss the man.
( WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
( HOLLY HOLY
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
* Sing
* Sing
* Sing
Come on.
We need you for this one!
(CHEERING)
* Sing
* Sing a song
* Sing
* Sing a song of songs
* Sing
* Sing
* Sing it out
* Sing it strong
* Sing it
Yeah.
* Sing it
Yeah. Yeah!
* Sing it, sing it
* Yeah
* Yeah
* Call the sun
in the dead of night
* And the sun's
gonna rise in the sky
* Sun's gonna rise
* Touch a man
who can't walk upright
* And that lame man,
he's gonna fly
* He's gonna fly
* And I fly
* Fly
* Yeah
* Yeah, and I fly
* Holly holy love
* Dream of only you
* Holly holy, Holly
* Holy song
* Holly holy, Holly
* Holy rain
Yeah.
Yeah.
(AUDIENCE ROARING)
( I BELIEVE IN HAPPY ENDINGS
by Neil Diamond PLAYING)
* I believe in happy endings
* Starry skies
and dreams come true
* I've believed it
since I first met you
* I believe in new beginnings
* Extra innings,
brand new starts
* Loving hearts that care
the way I do
* All these things
and happy endings, too
* Sad songs bring me
right down with the blues
* Glad songs take me
wherever I choose
* And I choose to be there
* So that I can declare why
* I believe in happy endings
* You're the reason,
love's the way
* And I'll believe it
till my dying day
* I know the cost
of tears and trouble
* Some get lost,
some make it through
* Me, I made it
'cause I always knew
* That you believed in
happy endings, too
* Sad songs bring me
right down with the blues
* Glad songs take me
wherever I choose
* And I choose to be there
* So that I can declare that
* I know the cost
of tears and troubles
* I got lost
but I got through
* And I made it
'cause I always knew
* That you believed in
happy endings, too
* You and me
* And happy endings
* Too