Saturnalia (2022) - full transcript

[dramatic music]

[man] I don't know what...

I don't know what you
want me to tell you, man.

I'm not that kinda guy.

[cries] I don't even know
how any of this happened.

I swear to you.
I'm a good man.

I'm a family man.

I... I'm not even saying
I don't have faults.

[sniffs]

It's just...

Everybody's capable of
redemption, you know.



You... Nobody has
to be crucified

for a few mistakes they
make in a moment of weakness

when they didn't
know any better.

Look, all I know is that I...

I was just driving
home from work.

I was just driving
home from work.

And...

I blacked out.

Then when I woke up, I was
in that place, and I...

God, there was so much blood.

[breaths heavily] There
was so much fucking blood.

[breathing heavily]

No.

No. No.



What part of this are
you not understanding?

I did not murder these people.

I'm not capable
of taking a life.

You talk about
taking someone's life

almost like you're
stealing it from them.

Almost like it was theirs
in the first place,

which is simply not the case.

You people are all just
fancy packages of flesh.

The contents of which
being your soul.

Freedom of will is
just a blank address.

The one who did the wrapping
is hoping it stays blank

and gets a big, fat
stamp on it that says...

"Return to sender."

Yeah. I don't understand.

[man 2] Hmm.

Listen...

you're in some deep, deep shit.

However, we can make
that all go away.

[ominous instrumental]

What do you need me to do?

Just...

fill out that blank address.

[woman] Don't touch that pen.

- Who are you?
- Don't listen to her, kid.

She's the neighbor who parks
in front of the mailbox

so you can't get shit.

I am your legal counsel.

Don't sign anything.

No handshakes, no verbal
agreements, nothing.

Trust me.

Did I mention there's
a sign-up bonus?

♪

No!

[evil laughter]

[Rafi] Michael,
it's been centuries

and Lucifer still isn't back
in the Valley of Hannon.

You should have never put

an underqualified member
of the Bugle Corps

in charge of guarding
the root of all evil.

[Michael] Rafi,
baby, you are making

a dove with an olive
branch out of a feather.

As we speak, my best
angel is on his way.

[Rafi] Who did you send?

[Michael] We must begin
as we mean to go on, Rafi.

[Michael muttering]

[Rafi] Gabe? It's over.

["Stepping Stone" by Red
Linen Antler playing]

Come on.

♪ Love, you'll find
it when I'm gone ♪

♪ I'll help you move along ♪

♪ I have discovered you ♪

♪ Every day... ♪

Fuck!

♪ You're standing in the way ♪

♪ Of what you're meant to do ♪

♪ Follow, this
will follow you ♪

♪ [indistinct lyrics] ♪

♪ I will mend it back together ♪

♪ While you find what,
who you will love ♪

♪ One true love ♪

♪ Will you find the
one to take you... ♪

[Daniel grunts]

[phone ringing]

Professor Crawley?

[Professor Crawley]
Hey, Daniel.

Long time no see.

How are you, my
young grasshopper?

I'm hanging on there...
Hanging in there.

I'm hanging in there.

Have you taken the
lessons that I've taught

and applied them to
your everyday life?

What?

Have you pulled
from the plethora

of everyday knowledge
I've bestowed upon you?

The pool of my experience

and created a destiny of
excellence for yourself?

Profess Crawley, you...
You taught, uh, wood shop.

And have you learned nothing?

Life is wood.

Yeah. Okay. Um...

To what do I owe the
pleasure, Professor?

While contemplating life

and truly delving into the

issues of humanity,
I may have neglected

to enter your final exam

for your graduating
class, rendering

your final grade null and void.

What... what...
What does that mean?

Sadly, your diploma is invalid.

Professor, I don't...

I took your class
for an extra credit.

How is this even happening?

[Professor Crawley] Ironic.

Meet me this afternoon so
we can go over the material

and what to do going forward.

I can't, I have work. I can't.

Some people don't even have
the opportunity to work, Dan.

Take some initiative

for once in your life.

I can't just not go
to work, Professor,

to come pick up a...

[Professor Crawley]
I'll see you soon.

- [phone beeping]
- No, you...

- Hey, Dan, I'm home.
- Oh, my God.

Thanks, Lars.

[breathing heavily]

[tap squeaking]

Dan, there's so much lint
on my balls right now.

It's, uh... it's like one
of those, like, sticky hands

that you get out of
those 25 cent machines.

Hey, Dan, I'm scared
to take a shit.

What if... what
if when I stand up

my balls stick to
the toilet seat

and then they, like, snap back
and they slap me in the face?

Dan,

- Dan, Dan!
- What?

Can you give me
some baby powder?

Lars, just hop in
the shower, bud.

And your problem's gonna
be solved, right? Yeah.

Yeah, no, that probably...
That'll fix it.

["Stepping Stone" by Red
Linen Antler resumes playing]

[burps]

[Satan] I'm so glad
you asked, Timmy.

See, cancer is a
terrible disease

that slowly kills
you from the inside.

[Timmy] My fucking
grandma died of cancer.

Little boys get it when
they don't play a healer

and let their DPS
characters die.

[Timmy speaking indistinctly]

Uh, yeah, sure. You know what?

Why don't you put
your mom in the chat?

- I'd love to speak with her.
- [Timmy] Mom.

[giggles]

[Sarah over the phone]
Excuse me. Did you...

Hey, Sarah.

That he was going to get cancer?

- Oh.
- I cannot believe that.

Do you understand his
father died from cancer?

Well, can I...

-Do you have any sympathy...

-Can I talk now? Okay.

Well, when I was
13 like your kid,

I led a rebellion
against my father.

I say, "Fuck you, Dad."
I got cast out of heaven.

I dressed up like a snake,

convinced two nudists
to have sex to...

To introduce sin into the world,

then I had that all spoiled
by a circumcised hippie

who got murked by
his own people, so...

But, you know, I did
manage to open up

the world's most successful
sauna/penitentiary in history.

So... yeah.

Uh, I think your kid got lots
of catching up to do, Sarah.

- You are a grown man.
- And another thing, just...

- You're... you're a grown man.
- Suck my big fat dick.

[sniffs]

[breathy screaming,
Sarah screaming]

[laughs evilly]

Hey, Dan, how's it hanging?

Dan? Hey. Dan. Don't
ignore me, I'm fragile.

Dan. Hey, Dan.

Why the cold shoulder, buddy?

[Dan] I gotta go to
the university now.

'Cause I guess some
professor I had two years ago

fucked my grade or
something, I don't know.

Oh, boy. Howdy.

I'll tag along.

I'll get you that
grade in no time.

No, I... I can... I
can do this myself.

[sighs]

Jesus.

Satan, I asked you
to stop putting

body parts in the freezer.

First of all,

I asked you not to use
the J word or the G word

when you're speaking
to me, Daniel.

- Got it?
- Mm-hmm.

Second of all, you know,

if I can convince that
Epstein guy to kill himself,

I can convince your
prof of anything.

He don't stand a chance.

I'm very persuasive.

Right, but...

we don't need him to
kill himself, right?

We just need the passing
grade. That's it.

Sure. We'll go with that.

Okay, fine.

But can we please just stop
putting fingers in the freezer?

But finger food.

[laughs]

Let me hear you say it, Dan.

Finger food. All right, fine.

But don't be surprised

if you start finding frozen
dicks in the freezer.

You know, they're a
delicacy in some countries.

I'll be going at that
shit like a popsicle.

Like... [licking noise]

If it was yours, it'd be
like... [sucking noise]

Yeah, but it's fine.

- Where are you going?
- I gotta go.

Hold up, speed racer.
Don't leave without me.

Dan, I'm telling you
let me handle this guy.

No, man, every time we
have you get involved,

somebody gets hurt.

I don't want anybody
to get hurt this time.

No one's gonna get hurt.

I'm just gonna, you know,

convince him to give it to you.

- You mean scare him?
- Yeah, sure.

If I wanted him
scared, I could just...

I would do that myself, okay?

I could be intimidating.

Dan, I'm more scared of a Karen

asking to speak to
a manager than you.

That's... that's bullshit.

No, look, I'll show you.
I can be scary. Watch.

Let's hear it.
Lay it on me, man.

Hey, prof,

if you don't give me a good...

The... the best
grade in the class,

I'm gonna hurt you so bad
your head's gonna spin.

See?

Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like that
was pretty good.

Pookie, you're... you're scary.

You're... You're
real scary, buddy.

No, that was really
shit and not good.

This is how it's done, Dan.

[imitating Dan]
Fucking hate that.

Listen here, you sack of shit.

If you don't fix your
own mistake right now,

I'm gonna bend you over on
this desk and ass rape you.

Then instead of pulling
your hair for excitement,

I'm gonna gouge your
fucking eyes out

and skull-fuck you

'til you're screaming
my name so fucking loud

everyone in this
university can hear it.

Then I'm gonna light a cigar
and I'm gonna smoke the cigar

and I'll put it out
in your fucking chest.

And to put the cherry on top,

I'm gonna bust a fucking
nut in the bird hole.

I just feel like I
would never say that.

And what... What if
that doesn't work?

[Satan screams breathily]

That actually could
work, but no, still no.

[Satan exclaims]

You're no fun anymore.

Oh, come on, Dan.

We're not picking up this
nut job again, are we?

Come on, Satan, have a
heart, man. I mean, she...

I don't have a soul. Why
would I have a heart?

Think about it.
Use your head, Dan.

All right. That's
on me, I guess.

But she... I mean, she
just lost her license.

We're going to the same place,

we live in the same
apartment complex.

It's... it's a work courtesy.

Are you at least
gonna make her say,

[moaning] "Oh, Daniel."

No, no, I'm not
gonna do that, so...

"Daniel."

She wouldn't say that 'cause
I'm not gonna do that.

[moaning loudly]

"I've never seen four
inches go so far."

You and I both know it's four
and a half so that's, uh...

[high-pitched moaning]

None of this is gonna...
I'm not doing it.

This is you.
[sing-song moaning]

"My beloved, I shall take
you to insemination station."

These are things you would say,
not... I wouldn't say that.

"Excelsior!"

I'd... I've never said
that once my whole life.

- Mm.
- Oh, she's right there.

You gotta go in the back.
You gotta go. She's coming.

[moaning]
- You gotta get...

- Fine.
- You're not riding shotgun.

Okay, there's a
simpler way to do this.

The car has doors. Yeah. Okay.

[Satan] I'm sorry I'm not
as limber as I used to be.

I noticed. Could you
be less graceful?

[Satan] Oh. Oh,
shit. I'm stuck.

- Oh, shoot. She appears...
- [Satan] Okay. I got it.

- She appears to be okay.
- [Satan] Ow! Fucker.

- Hey, Dan.
- Hey, Karl.

[Satan] Welcome to the
clown car, crazy pants.

Thanks for taking
me to work again.

I really can't lose another
job, you know, lizard people.

- Hey, Karl, did you...
- [Satan] It's for you.

You didn't say
lizard people, right?

Well, reptile people to
be more inclusive, but...

I'm good.

Anyway, one of them was
disguised as a cop and, uh,

before he could get to me I
crawled through the backseat,

in my tin foil-lined trunk,
only to be found again.

But... but not before I was able

to slip on my bullet/
incubation-proof vest.

So, do you think
I'm gonna need this?

I can't see why you would.

Anyway, nice glasses.

Thanks. They're prescription.

- [pills rattling]
- Oh, shit. Wait... wait.

Oh, you okay? [pills rattling]

Karl, what's going on?

- You okay?
- [Satan] Look out.

- You're gonna get stabbed.
- [Dan] I really hope not.

I... I pro... I
swear I brought it.

- Please tell me what's wrong.
- Oh, my God, okay.

- Oh, that did it. Huh?
- Yeah.

Okay. Word up, I guess.

Um, Karl, I... I
feel like that's

all gotta be in
your head, right?

That's impossible.

My dad says there's
nothing in my head.

Although my mom does think
he's just gaslighting me

so I don't get
swamp-monstered like she did.

Swamp-monstered. I... I,
um... what... what is that?

[giggles] It's... it's when you
get porked in the porta potty

at a music festival
and get pregnant.

- Come on.
- Of course it is.

Um, is it... Is it
the porking itself

or the... the pregnancy
that's the swamp monster?

I don't know, actually.

Huh.

- So, are you gonna drive or?
- Yeah, no, of course.

I'm gonna drive, that's
what we're in the car for.

[customer] I need to be able
to sync it to the setting,

but I don't see it, can
you help me out, please?

[clerk] Oh, you know
what? I see your problem.

See that, that's a sign
for blue balls, you know.

When your... when your
wife ain't putting out.

So, you know,

you keep your side bitches
in the burner phone.

[customer] Look, what is my
six-year-old son gonna do

with a phone for adultery?

All right. I'll
give you ten bucks.

I paid 70 for it.

It's like a used car, man.

You take it off the lot
and starts depreciating.

That's it. I'm
done. That's it.

I'm depreciating
attitude right now.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Great.
Great. Good for you.

I mean, this is...
what kind of...

Look, and one of your employees

is molesting one of
your female coworkers.

Come on. What the fuck
are you two doing?

This ain't cousin
Clyde's trailer park.

Get the fuck off
each other. Jesus.

Come on.

Uh, Dan, you can get off me now.

[customer] Look at me.

I'm reporting you to the
Better Business Bureau,

so good luck.

All right, hold on. Hold on.

I'll give you 20
bucks for the phone.

How do I put this

in the most professional
manner possible?

You can't be feeling your
coworker's titties, Dan.

Sir, I wasn't. I... I...
She was falling down.

I was trying... I was trying to
stop her from breaking her neck.

You put on quite a show
out there. [chuckles]

I... I wouldn't be surprised
if some bastard in a suit

just starts knocking on my
fucking door, asking questions.

[clerk sighs]

I... I gotta fire one of you.

Now, if you can explain to me

why you were tickling
her titties...

No, it was my fault.
I'll take the fault.

Listen here, Dan.

You're a good kid.

Well, I don't
actually know that.

To be honest, I don't pay much
attention to either of you.

You're just like these flies
that buzz around me, you know,

while I'm trying to do my thing

and you just do
your thing and...

I don't know, it's just...

You're just not
that interesting.

But anyway, I'm
gonna let you go.

I'm gonna let you fly free

on the winds of change
or what have you,

so you can just pack your
things and just get out.

I don't have anything to pack.
I... I don't have a locker here.

Oh, well, it'll go
a lot faster, then.

Good luck to you.

[softly snores]

[Dan struggling with car door]

- [car door shutting]
- Lunchtime. We do lunch now?

No. All right.

There... there's no...
There's no lunchtime.

I just got fired.

[laughs] Really?

Yep.

Dan, you might wanna go
ask for your job back.

I'm a bit of a clothes horse
and we could use the income.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah. We could use the income.

Look, I... I gotta
go to the university.

All right? You
down for a ride?

Yeah, let's do it, baby.

I'm coming. [grunts]

Just... Of all the times... Of
all the times to use that...

That annoying
teleport thing you do,

you never think to
do it in my car.

It's not nearly as funny, Dan.

["Through the Night"
by Brody Sayed playing]

♪ I can't see
anything tonight ♪

♪ Stop lurking and start... ♪

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[Melissa] Hi, sweetie.

I just got back from
Mrs. Jeffrey's funeral.

Pastor Connors gave
a beautiful eulogy.

She had no other family
members, you know,

and the spread afterwards
was truly delightful,

- really...
- That's good, eh?

I know how you get when an event
doesn't have a good spread.

Oh, well, like I've always said,
it's the essence of the party.

Anyway, when I was
walking out of church,

I was approached by
two very strange men

in the parking lot
dressed as ghosts.

And they started
asking about you.

Do you have any
idea who they are?

Can't say I know anybody that
fits that description, Mom.

Well, it got me
thinking about you

and now I'm looking
at old photos of you.

Oh, you were so cute.

Thanks, Mom.

When are you coming to visit?

Uh, I don't know.

I... Th... things are getting kind
of hectic right now, you know?

I was thinking, I have
a little extra money

now that your dad has
passed away and...

And I could really use
some help on the farm.

You should come home just
for a little while to reset.

Yeah. I'll think
about it, Mom.

That would just mean the
world to me and the goats.

- They miss you, too.
- Hey, Ma, I gotta go. Okay?

I'll call you back.

[car brake screeching]

What the fuck? No, no,
no, no, no. Turn around.

Jaywalker, we gotta
run his ass over.

- Come on, go, Dan.
- Take it easy, motorhead.

- Run him over.
- I'm not running him over.

[music playing faintly]

[Satan] So, what is this guy?

Some creepy Kevin
Spacey motherfucker?

[Dan] Pretty much it.

I think he just
likes girls, though.

- Other than that, though, yeah.
- [Satan] Yeah.

Professor.

Time to die, douchebag.

No, no, no.

I'm kidding. It's a joke.

Or is it? I don't know.

I know you don't. I never do.

This is ridiculous, right?
Like, he asked me to come.

[Professor Crowley chattering]

And... Professor, I'm here
to talk about my final exa...

- Oh, Christ.
- [Satan gasps loudly]

You're not my wife!

- You're married?
- What, no, shut up.

Blackmail.

[Dan] And I'm a
sex offender now.

[Satan] Well, he's stuck
between a rock and a hard place.

Congratulations. You
passed the class.

And now so are you.

I can trust you to
delete that later, right?

For her sake, of course.

Professor, you're...

You are poking me.

[upbeat classical music playing]

[coffee machine whirring softly]

That was a complete
waste of fucking time.

Looking at the glass
half empty, Dan.

We did get to see that old guy's
clock weights get readjusted,

if you know what I'm saying.

You don't get to see
that shit every day.

Yeah. I'm... I'm aware.

I'm very glad I don't get
to see that every day. Okay?

Because it was disgusting.

And if I can be frank, it speaks
to the integrity of that school.

Well, don't blame the school.

Look, man, I think we all

learned a little
something today.

Once you get to be that age,

gravity really takes its
toll on the old teabag.

Jesus Christ, it looked
like an outie belly button.

♪

Are you even paying
attention to me anymore?

What are you...

Oh, Dan, look!

It's your sock drawer's
worst nightmare, Dan.

Come on, come talk to her.

I can see who it is.

Can you come back over here

and stand next to me
like you're supposed to?

Well, if you don't, I will.

Yeah, this is my
shit right here.

- Stop. Stop.
- Dan. Dan.

- Don't do this.
- Did I do something wrong, Dan?

- Don't do this.
- [crying]

Oh, I'm so ashamed. Is it me?

Dan, did I embarrass
you in public?

[sobbing loudly]

I'm an idiot. [sobbing loudly]

- Can we just not do this?
- Dan, nobody cares.

Nobody can hear me. No
one can see me, idiot.

Check it out. I'll prove it.

[sings opera]

See?

No applause. Fucking ingrates.

Fuck.

Oh. [giggles] Silly me.

It wasn't me at all.
Was it? It's her.

Oh, God. [giggles]

Come on, Scrooge.
Go talk to her.

[British accent] Bob
Crotcher is cold.

You don't want Tiny
Dan to die, do you?

[high-pitched voice]
Please fuck us. Anyone?

Look, I can't just
go talk to her.

You know she hates my
guts. You know that.

[normal voice] I'm sure that was
water under the bridge, buddy.

That was two years ago.

Not after what I
did to her, okay?

You know, you never did tell
me what happened on that date.

Just kept talking about that
girl for weeks at a time

and all of a sudden she's
masturbation material?

Spill it.

Well, that depends.

Um, if it's a smaller project,
it could take a couple of weeks.

But if it's a larger one,

it might take me a couple
months for planning

and then a few months
after that, just to, um...

finish it. [giggles]

[Dan laughs]

I never would have guessed
that, I just would've kind of

figured that you came
out with a paintbrush

and went to work, you know?

[Lilly gasping for air]

That's stiff.
Stiff, stiff, stiff.

You okay?

Dan, I think I'm having
an allergic reaction.

Having an allergic
react... Uh, uh, to what?

To the... the chicken? I...

I think there are
tomatoes in this.

- I don't know. Did you order...
- Excuse me!

Are there tomatoes in this?

Are there tomatoes? I...

- [Lilly chocking]
- Okay, uh...

Okay. Uh, what are
you... What... okay.

Um, what... what...
What should I do?

I don't under...

[Lilly gasps]

I think I'm gonna be sick.

[Lilly coughing]

[Dan retches]

[Lilly coughing]

No one ever needs to know.

[Satan] Come on.

Hey, Lilly.

Hey, Dan.

Hey, long time no see.

Hey, uh, you...
you look amazing.

What is this?
The Bachelorette?

[imitating Dan] You look
amazing. Oh, jeez...

You look, um, about the same.

[Satan snorting with laughter]

You're not stalking me, are you?

No, no, no, I
don't... I don't...

I'm not stalking you right now.

I'm not... I'm not
stalking you anytime.

So, I'm... I'm just
here to get coffee.

That's what I'm here for.

Come on, Dan, lay
down some sexy shit.

Put on the moves.

Show her what it's like
to have hot rhino's blood

pumping through your cock.

You look amazing.

- [Satan] God.
- [Lilly] Yeah.

You said that already.

Well, didn't you
know that incest

was a lot less frowned upon in,

uh, earlier centuries,

particularly a... among
royalty, for instance?

Excuse me?

No, 'cause, um, the, uh...

The... that post that you posted

about your sister and
how you love her so much,

like, it might even be weird.

And... and so,
like, incest just...

And now I have...
gave it to you.

Dan, I posted this,
like, six months ago

and I'm pretty sure I blocked
you, like, two years ago

after you left me
at that restaurant.

Wait, you did what now?

It's... it's... it's not so,

uh, difficult to make a second
account, though, I mean.

[snorts]

You made a second account
just to creep on me?

Would you like a shovel for
the hole you're digging, sir?

You okay, Dan?

Daniel, what are you doing?

That was harder to watch than
Europe during the black plague

and I had front row
seats to that shit.

Believe me.

I know, man. I... I...
I... What do I do?

Listen, man, you really
like this girl, right?

- I do.
- You'd do just about anything

to make it happen, right?

[inhales]

I want it more
than anything, man.

Well, she ain't in here.

Turn your happy ass around
and go get that bitch.

Look, what am I supposed to do?

Every time I talk to her,
every time she talks,

- I just freeze. I...
- Okay. Okay.

Oh, okay. Shh.

First things first.
First things first.

You got your headphones?

Yeah. Uh, yes.

Go into that stall.

Listen to some A7X
and beat one out.

- What?
- You heard me.

Skin the snake. Feed the geese.
Shake hands with the milkman.

Ride that pleasure train until
you see the fiery gates of hell.

Look, once you expel
your body of its lust,

you'll be able to
think more clearly.

Why is this so
important to you, man?

This is advantageous
to both of us.

Just trust me for once
in your life, Daniel.

Hmm? Hmm?

Okay.

Oh, oh...

This stall is missing
something. What is it?

A little interior decorating.

Fresh coat of paint.

Yes. Yes.

I'm thinking, uh,
eggshell white.

Huh? Huh?

And by that, I mean,

you're gonna paint the
walls with your semen.

[Dan] With my cum. I know.
I know what you mean.

- Well, it's subtle.
- You keep...

You always say it's
subtle, it never is.

[Satan] Listen, you're
one round in Rocko,

but you gotta get
back in there, see?

You gotta get back in there
and finish this round.

Come on. Excelsior!

Yes. You're a worm.

You're fucking small,
you piece of shit.

- I don't need that, I don't...
- I know you like that.

You got this kid. Come
on. Bring it home, buddy.

I mean, I can...
I can always help.

I... I've always
wanted one of those.

- [Dan grunts]
- Yeah!

[Dan panting]

You did good.

- There he is.
- [clapping]

[making breathy cheering sound]

[whistling]

We love you, Dan.

You feeling nice and amped up?

- Relatively.
- All right.

Now walk up to her
and say these words.

"Beauty is in the
eye of the beholder,

Yeah.

"But tonight,

I'mma be holding
you all night long."

I... I... That's stupid.
I... I would never say that.

- That's not me.
- Well, come on, man.

I mean, look,

I've been... I've
been slaying the, uh,

putang since the
beginning of time.

This shit's never failed, Dan.

- You're sure?
- Would I steer you wrong?

I mean, when I'm not
fucking with you.

I'm gonna do you the kindness
of not answering that.

[café din]

Hey, Lilly.

You know, beau... beauty's
in the eye of the... the...

The... the snakes... the...
No, snake... snake eyes.

And I can... I can hold... me.

Is this as weird for
you as it is for me?

Ah, I think you fucked
that one up, buddy.

Look, Dan, we went on
a date two years ago,

and, uh, you threw up on me

and left me at the restaurant.

It... it... It
seemed like you, uh,

you had it under control
so well, I didn't...

I didn't wanna, like,
step on your toes.

I went into anaphylactic shock
and wound up in the hospital.

[whispers] I was shitting
myself for three weeks.

And I lost 40 pounds.

Oh.

Oh, I see what's happening here.

You show the girl
the time of her life,

she treats you like this?

Man, times have changed.

[Dan] It's... In a way, though,

I, like, saved you money
on a gym membership.

[Satan] How does it just
keep getting worse, Dan?

Do you have any idea

the psychological
damage being associated

with being terrified
of your own gas?

Never knowing if you're
gonna shit yourself?

[sharply whispering] It was like
it was playing Russian roulette

with my asshole, Dan.

I was in therapy for weeks.

And how you acted about it all?

I debated whether
or not I should...

sue you or put a hit out on
you just to get it over with.

But no, no, no.

I took the high
road. I blocked you.

Which clearly you
found ways around that.

I mean, you gotta admit I'm
pretty persistent, right?

Yeah.

You're definitely
pushing boundaries

in the stalker territory.

[Da'Louis clears throat]

[Da'Louis] Let's go, babe.

- You're late.
- I'm actually early.

You're late.

[Da'Louis] Well, who the
fuck is this white boy?

- [Lilly] Nobody.
- [Da'Louis] Yo.

You trying to fuck my bitch?

No, I'm... I'm not.
I'm... I wasn't.

He kinda was, though.

I'm Da'Louis, bitch.

I'm Da'Louis.

I'll graham cracker your
motherfucking Prius, white boy.

I'm sorry. What the fuck
am I looking at right now?

[Lilly] Come on, baby.

What... what does...
What does this mean?

God, you ain't got no
permission slip, bitch.

I'm... I'm... I'm trying to
communicate with you, man.

- I... I don't know how.
- Let's go.

I've done things you can't
even dream of, homie.

I got warrants.

Yeah, for parking
tickets you haven't paid.

Let's go.

Goodbye, Dan.

Oh, oh.

Dan.

Dan.

What kinda white boy
cracker-ass name is Dan anyway?

Hi, I'm Dan.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Have you evaluated your
401(k) plan recently?

[snickers]

Man, fuck yo' couch.

[Lilly] Seriously, let's go.

We have errands to run
before the party tonight.

Stay away from my bitch.

[door creaks open]

- Unreal.
- That was torture.

Is that what I do to people?

I'm a monster.

Yeah, you'd be surprised, buddy.

[dramatic chord]

[street din]

[groans]

You know...

I honestly don't get humans.

You know what I just saw?

Two teenage girls took
their puppy outside

for a video of his
first time in the snow.

And you know what they did?

Took a 20-second video of
their own ugly stink-ass faces.

Didn't even look
at the damn dog.

And then promptly took the
little fucker right back inside.

It's a crying damn shame.

["Deck the Halls"
ringtone playing]

Oh, shit.

It's Michael.

What does he want?

Hey, you talk to him. I
don't wanna talk to him.

[Michael] Hello?

Hello?

Right.

[Michael] Levi.

These phones are not working.

If I have to tell
you one more time...

Michael. [laughing] Hey.

I was just about to call you.

Gabriel, you beautiful
mocha prince, you.

What's the happs?

Yeah.

How's that, uh, little
errand I sent you guys on?

It's good. You know,
good, good, good.

You know, we... uh, surveillance

and you know, surveillancing
and shit. [chuckles]

Oh, oh, really? Really?

Well, 'cause I haven't
heard any updates from you

and, uh, well, that, you
know, makes me nervous.

[laughing]

And you know I do
hate being nervous.

It detracts from being
my normal regal self.

Okay? [laughing]

I mean, how am I supposed
to live my best life

if every minute is spent
handling little miss...

inconsistencies... [slurping]

which stopped me from dealing
with my very busy schedule

of keeping order in Heaven,

all because my subordinates

can't pick up the
phone once in a while?

Come on.

[Gabriel] Hey.
You know, my bad.

You know, I'm... I'm sorry.

[Michael] All right. Did
you reach out to the mother?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[laughs] She got
the fucking message.

- [gasps]
- Reach out to yo' son, bitch.

Are the sheets really necessary?

[laughs]

Michael, you obviously have
never seen A Christmas Carol.

The only way to create

life-altering epiphanies
in the human world

is to scare their little asses.

You know, with ghosts and shit.

I see. I see.

Well, keep up the good work

and keep me posted, will you?

Listen, I...

Otherwise I'm gonna
have to come visit

this Dan character myself

and you know how that goes.

All right. It
makes me nervous.

And when I'm nervous, I'm
not my normal regal self.

Do I make myself clear?

And do you understand?

Okay, boss. Understood.

[Michael] No soul left behind.

No soul left behind.

One more time with feeling.

[Gabriel] No soul left behind.

No soul left behind.

[Gabriel] No soul left behind.

Atta boy. Michael out.

[phone thudding]

Ferdinand...

make me feel good.

[sniffing]

[exhales]

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

Shit.

[thudding]

Okay, Dan.

I was reviewing the highlights
of that little mishap

that happened earlier today

only to conclude that your game

is royally fucked up, buddy.

Reminded me of the time

that I watched all
the animals drown

that didn't make it on the Ark.

But this time,

instead of laughing
at you and...

poking you with a stick...

I'm gonna help you.

- You're gonna help me?
- Hell, yeah.

Yeah, you did help
me at the café

and look what happened, man.

Well, you just don't have
any confidence in yourself.

That's all.

But that's your
problem, not mine.

Besides, all is not lost.

You heard that girl.

There's supposed to be a
party happening tonight,

you gotta make an appearance.

Yeah, I heard what she
said and I also heard

that she doesn't wanna
see my face ever again.

Okay?

Also, I do not want
to get my ass beat

by some hood rat tonight.

- [blows whistle]
- Oh, my God.

- It's such a small room, dude.
- [Satan] Shh, shh.

Shut your fucking mouth.

This time, let me
hold the reins.

Huh?

I can solve all your problems.

No, man, no. We've
talked about this.

The last time, Satan, you
cannot possess my mortal soul.

Flag on the field.

It's not a flag. It's
such a reasonable play.

Listen, up until now
you've captained a dinghy

that has treaded, shall
we say, shallow waters.

Let me be your Nemo and
navigate your submarine

40,000 leagues under the sea.

And by submarine
I mean your penis.

My penis, I know
you do. All right.

I was worried gonna have
to draw you a picture.

[Dan] No, shit.

But look, this whole thing
is your fault anyway.

Yeah. What happens every
time I listen to you?

What happens?

I get swept up into some kind of

a wacky misadventure and I
just end up getting fucked.

I... I don't know why I
ever listened to you before.

[Satan] Poor Danny.

Always going through
the motions, huh?

Creating fantasies in his mind,

but never acting on his
impulses or even acting at all.

What was your degree in again?

Uh, oh, hold on.

Political science in theater.

And what you doing
with that, huh?

You lighting Broadway on
fire with your FDR musical?

Roosevelt, exclamation point!

Look, man, my fucking
life is falling apart.

Okay? What do
you want from me?

- I'm trying.
- Oh, you're trying?

Are you? But are you really?

Are you really? Look the
fuck around you, man.

All you do is sit
at home on your ass

having a circle jerk with
Lars over that Lilly bitch,

who you're stalking, by the way.

Meanwhile, chronically
masturbating

until your dick looks like
it belongs on a crocodile.

All right.

Meanwhile, that little hood rat

is living your dream, man.

Get a grip.

Fuck, first of all,
don't call her a bitch.

- All right.
- Ooh, hit a nerve?

Second of all, that whole
fucking bullshit was a low blow.

All right, there's no reason
to say shit like that.

[Satan] You are...
you're right. Hey. Hey.

Did I...

did I hurt your feelings?

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, here.

Why don't you jerk
off some more?

That'll solve all your problems.

What the fuck are you
attacking me for, huh?

What have you been trying to do
for the last couple millennia?

Take over the world still?
How's that coming along? Huh?

From the inside of
my fucking closet.

You know, that's it. That's
it. You really need to add

to your little
Kleenex collection,

you cum wad.

All I've ever tried to
do is help you, Danny.

All right?

But it's over.

I wash my hands of you, Danny.

I expel you of the burden I
put on your miserable life.

You might as well
marry your right hand

and have a bunch of

deformed half-hand,
half-pussy, loser children.

And hey, if the cell phone
career doesn't pan out,

you can always tour
the countryside

doing puppet shows with
your freak Carney family.

Your kids could
be finger puppets.

[cackles]

[Dan] Get the fuck
outta here, man.

[laughs hysterically]

Dan, did you hear what I said?

[Dan] Yeah. I fucking
heard you, man.

- Get out.
- Finger puppets!

Yes, I heard you.

Get the fuck out.

Get out of my room.
Get out of my house.

Get out of my closet.

Just get the fuck
out of my life.

[panting]

- Hey, Lars.
- Looking good.

[Lars] Hey, go get it, girls.

Oh, damn.

Get it.

Oh, God, dude.

[muffled speech]
Exactly right, Lars.

God.

Please, follow.

Uh, okay.

[ominous music]

[footsteps approaching]

Sit.

- Sit.
- [Lars] Okay.

So, Lars, you want
some "peanus"?

Sorry, some what now?

You know, some salty peanuts.

[chuckles] Oh.

Peanuts.

Yes, of course. [laughs]

- Eat, eat, delicious...
- No, no, no. That's okay.

I'm, um... you know, I
got my fill of nuts today.

Oh.

So, why'd you bring me here?

Why did I follow you?

[clear speech] Your
friend is in grave danger.

Uh, which one?

Wait, what happened
to your voice?

You know, the sad pathetic one.

Looks like a poster child
for antidepressants.

- Oh, Dan?
- Yes, exactly.

Wait, but how do you
know he's in trouble?

Let's just say we
have a mutual friend.

[TV show playing
in the background]

[Satan whistles]

[clears throat] Hey.

So, I was thinking about
that talk we had earlier

and, um, oh, you're right.

We can be... both be
so stupid sometimes.

And... and we really act out.

Hey.

Buds?

- No.
- Bring it on in.

- Come on.
- No, no.

- Oh, come on.
- No man.

You... first of all, I
never even said that.

Second of all, you...
you always do this to me.

You... you twist
everything around

and you make me confused

and make me look
like I'm the bad...

Look at you.

Look what you're covered in.

You routinely kill
and eat people.

I'm a person.

If you popped up in
my neighbor's closet,

would you come and
kill and eat me?

You're the devil. You're
the original bad guy.

You're literally Satan. I
mean, God, what do you...

How many times do
I have to tell you

please not to use
that fucking word

when you're speaking to me?!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- I know. I know. I know.

I hear you. I hear
you, but I'm trying.

Okay? I'm really
trying to change.

I swear.

Hell, I'll even swear to Go...

I'll swear to Go...

- I wanna hear it.
- I'll get it.

I'll swear to God if I have to

and you know how much I
hate that fucking guy.

I do.

Daniel...

you have brought
something out in me...

something I didn't even
know I had or existed.

It's kindness, Dan.

Kindness.

You brought that out in me,

and I'm forever grateful.

And... and all I wanna do
is... is to return the favor.

I am forever changed.

[body thudding]

I'm pretty sure
she's still alive.

Yep.

I'm sure she'll be kicking
any minute now, buddy.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Um,
we'll come back to this.

Um, just, don't... sorry.

Uh, don't forget the
conversation though.

You know, kind...
kindness. Uh, so sorry.

I'm forever changed.

Swear to Go...

Okay. Come on, you fucker.

[TV show playing
in the background]

[chomping]

[tune of "Happy Birthday"]
♪ I'm sorry, Daniel ♪

♪ I'm so sorry, Daniel ♪

♪ I'm sorry we're
both assholes ♪

♪ I'm sorry, Daniel ♪

What is this? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna open this up

and a grenade pin is gonna
fall out or something?

[door shuts closed]

Great.

For thousands of years,
Satan has corrupted

the souls of man out
of spite and jealousy.

He has been responsible

for some of the greatest
atrocities of humankind.

The great plague.

The Holocaust.

9/11.

SNL after the 2000s.

I knew it.

Suffice to say,

this guy has some massive
fucking daddy issues

and no real healthy outlets.

But what he wants,

what he desires, most of all,

is to be born into
this world as a man.

For it is through his seed

that he can create
the Antichrist.

Whoa. But what happens then?

I... I don't actually
know for sure,

but that shit is definitely bad.

It's like...

totally not cool.

Yo, that's bad news.

What... but what does
Satan want with Dan?

When I was a young boy,

Satan came to me as
an imaginary friend.

Granted, at the time,

I had no clue as to
what Satan really was,

but he was always there
to help me and guide me.

When things went well
because of his advice,

they always took a
turn for the worst.

But I loved the
good times so much,

that when the bad
times came along,

I didn't mind.

I ignored the signs.

Little did I know

he was crushing my
soul piece by piece.

I was taking the easy road,

the less ethical path.

Eventually, I couldn't
cope without his advice.

And all my bad decisions came
back to bite me in the ass.

Finally,

I needed him more
than anything...

which was his plan.

So, I let him possess me

in an attempt to reproduce...

which is what he wanted
from the beginning.

Holy shit.

But I beat him in the end.

[laughs]

Sadly not before my
entire life was ruined.

Yeah, sure, sure.

But how... How did
you defeat him?

How did you beat Satan?

I was sterile.

- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

That's awful.

You know,

this actually makes
a lot of sense.

Just thinking about Dan, I mean,

I just thought he was into
some, like, weird BDSM shit.

Hey, Dan, could I borrow a
shirt for my date tonight?

"Oh, yeah, sure buddy.

You're my best friend.
Of course, Lars."

Anything for you,
I'll just... Oh, go...

Behold, a mighty weapon,

blessed in holy water
and frankincense

- carved from what is believed...
- Wow.

To have been the wood
from the cross that Jesus

sacrificed himself upon.

I picked this baby up
in small town in Egypt.

[Lars laughs]

It's the only weapon
known in the universe

that can defeat the devil.

[laughs] Nice.

So, this will like...
This'll really kill Satan?

Yeah, I'm not so sure
about that part either.

You've just gotta
bash Dan's balls in

with this thing if
you wanna save him.

Oh, whoa. Okay.

Uh, what... is there
anything else we could do

that's not that?

Well, you could
try to convince him

to take up mountain biking.

- All right.
- Or have a vasectomy.

- Ooh, okay.
- But...

No, that would... That
would take too long.

No, I'm afraid Dan
shooting blanks

is the only way
to beat the devil

and save the world.

Save the world.

Yes. You see...

if there's no certain
way to reproduce,

huh, he'll just move
on to his next host.

All right.

I can do it.

I can bust Dan's balls.

[angelic choir music playing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[coughing]

There's my best buddy in
the whole goddamn world.

[cheering & screaming]

This is all for you.

[indistinct yelling]

Hey, Dan! I'm fucking your mom.

Loser.

These are for you,
Dan. Have my titties.

Yes, I love you,
Dan. I love you.

I love you so much.

[man] Tell us what
pieces of shits we are.

[voices slowly fade way]

[birds chirping]

[ominous music playing]

[phone buzzing]

[Dan] Hello?

[officer] Uh, yeah. Hi.

Okay. So, oh, geez.

This is my first
time. This is awkward.

- Uh, is this Daniel McDowell?
- Yeah. Who's this?

[officer] Yeah.
Okay. So, yeah.

Well, you know, I work with
the Dayton Police Department.

Is your mom Melissa McDowell?

[Dan coughs]

Uh, why? What's...
what's going on?

[clears throat]

[officer] Well,
I... unfortunately,

I'm calling to inform you

that your... your mom passed
away earlier this afternoon.

Yeah, so...

Are you serious?

[officer] Yeah, sir.

So, a neighbor found her in
the barn behind the house.

This, uh... that can't be true.

Is there some kind of a mistake?

[officer] I'm sorry
for your loss, sir.

I understand this is
terribly shocking news,

but, you know, this is a
sad reality of... of life

that, well, that we all
have to go through, so...

[sobbing]

Do you know how she, uh...

[clears throat]

How it happened?

[officer] Uh, from
what... Hold on.

Now, from what I'm told here,

she says, uh, she was
attacked by her goats.

[crying] Oh, my God.

[officer] That's awkward.

Just rare is what it is.

We will be, uh, sending you
a death certificate by mail

in the coming days

along with some, uh, information

on how to make
funeral arrangements

and what to do going forward.

Okay. Make it easy on you.

Uh, Pastor Connors will be
having a beautiful eulogy

and service prepared
for your mother.

A truly delightful
spread afterwards.

Yeah, truly delightful.

Okay.

[officer] Feel free
to call this line

if you have any questions
or concerns, sir.

And again, I'm terribly
sorry for your loss.

My condolences to you and
your entire humongous family.

[cellphone beeps]

[crying]

[sobbing]

[solemn folk-rock music]

[door bangs shut]

[phone ringing]

♪ Fill me with novocaine ♪

♪ I don't want to feel a thing ♪

Pick up the phone, Dan.

Pick up the phone, Dan.

Oh, you miserable dork,
pick up the phone.

[phone ringing]

- Yeah.
- [Lars] Dan. Dan.

Oh, Dan, this situation,
it's so fucked.

It's like... It's
like entire history

of the Russian monarchy fucked.

Or like if, like, Peewee Herman
and Kevin Spacey were lovers,

but they couldn't have a baby
because they both had dicks.

So... so, they decided

to inseminate the
Westborough Baptist church

because they knew that
whatever... they're all just...

They're all just a
bunch of pussies.

But then they gave
birth to Attila the Hun

and he had rocket
launches for arms

and he fired him at
the World Trade Center.

That is how fucked this
whole Satan thing is, Dan.

What?

Look, Lars, I'm not
in the mood for this.

All right, man? Seriously.

What?

[Dan] It's not a
good time, Lars.

All right? My
fucking... I'm...

My mom just died. So,

I got... I gotta go.

No, no, no, Dan.

- Dan, you can't just...
- [cellphone beeps]

[stutters] Did you just...

Dead. Okay.

Okay, I just got... I just
gotta go save you, dude.

I just gotta do it
myself. [breathes heavily]

Don't you even worry, buddy.

I'm on my way, Dan.

I'm gonna save you. I'm
gonna save you, Dan.

I'm on my way.

Hey, watch out,
I'm coming through.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- No, no, no.

[crashing]

[both groaning in
pain] [Satan] Ow!

- Owie!
- Oh, no. No, no, no. Oh, my God.

I... just... I'm
sorry. I'm sorry, Sir.

You hit me with your bike.

I'm sorry. Sir, I didn't...

Oh, God, I didn't know what...

Do...

Don't say that word, Lars.

Wait, how do you know my name?

Know your name?

You silly goose.

Know your name.

See, uh, it's funny to me
because you don't know me.

No.

Yet we've lived in
the same apartment

for years.

[ominous music playing]

You... you're... you're Satan.

- You're...
- No, no, no, don't panic.

Hey, it's me. Just
me. Okay? [laughs]

- You... you...
- Just wanna talk, buddy.

Come here, give me a hug.

- [stammering]
- Fine.

I won't... I won't
freak out this time.

Come here. Come here.
Hug me, you little bitch.

Let's go. I just come
wanna talk, Lars.

[crying]

There you go, my dear.

[Dan] Thank you very much.

We're here.

Come back.

[Dan] How could I forget?

I hope not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Guys, hey.

Give me your fucking money.

What... what... what?

[Gabriel] Do... do... do...
Did I stutter, motherfucker?

I said give me
your fucking money.

Don't make me scorch the
earth on your punk ass.

I'll make some straight up
barbecue bitch out here.

You Adrian Brody-looking
motherfucker.

Get the fuck out of my face.

[Lars panting]

Why me?

Why me? No, I'm just curious.

I mean, some guy just
pulled... pulled outta here

in a fucking Tesla.

Look at my car.

What do you think
you're gonna gain

out of robbing me?

Look, everybody's
equals in God's hands.

Well, God doesn't want anyone
to get robbed, does he?

Who... who even are you guys?

We're your guardian
angels, bitch.

Now gimme your fucking money.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Here you go.

Here you go.

What the fuck is this?

It's what I have.

I... I told you
I'm... I'm broke.

I have no... no dough.
I have no money.

What about the fucking envelope?

[Dan] Envelope? What envelope?

I... I have no envelope.

All I have is a dead
mom's funeral to pay for.

So, thank you so much.

Damn.

You know what, man?

I'm sorry.

I tell you what?

You be Robin Hood and you
can fucking rob me, man.

Here, bro.

[chuckles]

So, uh, you guys are really
guardian angels, then.

Hey, he who has a bountiful eye

shall be blessed for he shares
his bread with the poor.

- Right on, angel.
- Stay up, bro.

[laughs]

Right.

[giggles]

Hey, my brother.

Hold on a minute.

[ominous instrumental plays]

♪

♪

[coughing]

Dan, you worthless,
ridiculous twat waffle.

Get your ass in here.
It's time for a spanking.

[man] Bring your ass inside.

[indistinct yelling]

Your dick is this big.

It's this fucking big.

You sad sack of shit.

[indistinct yelling]

[forest din]

♪

[coughs]

What the fuck, man.

[ominous instrumental plays]

♪

♪

[gasps]

- [coughs]
- [spits]

[groans]

[groaning continues]

[employee] I just saw
what happened out here.

Are you all right?

You look a little
down in the dumps, hm?

Mm.

Yeah.

- Oh, okay.
- [coughing]

I'm not all right. I...

I'm in my late twenties, okay?

I'm pushing 30 and I'm still...

working at this dead end job

that it... it's not what
I went to college for,

it's not what I paid thousands
of dollars in tuition for.

And, I still...

I still have no social skills.

I don't have any people skill.

I... I don't have
no... I have no...

I don't have any skills.

I have no skills. I...

The girl I'm in love with,

she thinks I'm a fucking loser,

- degenerate pervert and my...
- [exhales deeply]

My mom just died in
a horrible accident

and... and I'm pretty...

I'm 80% sure I just
got my ass beat

by my fucking
guardian angel, okay?

So I... I'm not okay.

If... if 'down in the dumps'
manifested itself as a person,

it would be me.

Oh, shit! That is
fucked up buddy!

[sniffs]

But like, uh,

Requiem For a Dream fucked up,

and specifically that part

where he... he wakes up

and he is like an
amputee and shit!

[snorts]

But...

you're still young.

Look at me.

I'm in my thirties and a little

late thirties and some change,

but the point I'm
trying to make is,

I didn't go to college

and I have a fairly
successful career

as a vape shop clerk,

so, you know, you've got time.

Don't waste it wallowing
in your sorrows.

It's like... like
that... Like that tranny

in that Dallas, uh,
something, or other movie.

Take... take advantage
of the time you have.

Take... take risks
while you can.

Embrace your loved ones

and...

learn to forgive...

you know?

- See...
- [sighs]

You... you don't fuck
with Jared Leto, huh?

Who?

Nothing.

You're right. You're right.

Thank you... thank you,
weird Jared Leto lady.

- You're welcome.
- [laughing]

Oh, now fuck off!

I'm pretty sure you're
scaring the customers away.

[giggling]

Hey, wait.

Don't worry about your mom, kid.

She is in a better place now.

I'll tell her that you love her.

What do you mean?

You?

Oh, my!

God?

[smacks lips]

- Uh!
- [laughing]

Oh, my God!

[groaning]

[groans]

Jesus!

[sniffs]

- [gentle music plays]
- [sniffs]

Boy!

Jesus!

♪

What the fuck?

[Satan] "Dear Dan, I know you!

You are an incredible
human being.

But, even the best
need a helping hand

every now and then.

I seem to recall
that girl you like

saying she had a lot of
medical expenses after that,

uh, date from hell.

I think you know what to do.

Love, Your bestest friend
and biggest fan, Satan."

- [papers rustling]
- "XOXOXO. Winky face!"

[papers rustling]

[scoffs]

Where does he get
all this money?

[cheerful music plays]

[coins clinking]

[grunting & groaning]

["Tension and Release" by
Red Linen Antlers plays]

♪ Walk away then
self-express ♪

♪ And my darling goes away ♪

♪ And that's always my type ♪

♪ And now I'm faced ♪

[engine cranks]

[sighs]

[classical instrumental plays]

♪

[organ plays]

[Gabe] ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Know I've been changed ♪

♪ I-I-I ♪

♪ Know I've been changed ♪

♪ You know the ♪

♪ Angels in heaven ♪

♪ Don't sing ♪

♪ Don't sing my name ♪

♪ Oh, Lord ♪

♪ I say that I-I-I ♪

♪ Know I've been changed ♪

♪ I say that I-I-I ♪

♪ Know I've been changed ♪

♪ You know the
angels in heaven ♪

♪ Don't sing ♪

♪ My name ♪

♪

Yeah!

[laughing]

[clapping]

Mm!

Stirring performance!

Truly, Gabriel. Beautiful.

A little pitchy, could
have been a little better.

Uh, it's fine. It's good.

Nobody is perfect,
except me. It's fine.

Look, you've been
hunting me around

all day, buddy, and I'm here.

So, how are things?

How's the old man?

- Pissed!
- [Satan] Of course.

What the fuck are
you doing, man?

You gotta stop this shit.

You know you can't
come back from this.

I know. I've been thinking
long and hard about that.

I'm really struggling
and I'm having

a really hard time,

Gabe, and I need help.

I can't sell this.
Hold on, take two.

This is my concerned face.

- Mother f... Mm.
- [Satan] No, no, no, no.

Check it out. Check it out.

Look how serious I am.

[laughing]

So, Papa Bear's upset,

so he sends RuPaul
to send me a message?

Fuck you! It's a tunic.

Yes, and it is fabulous, honey.

Ever God's power bottom, eh?

But, I don't understand.

I thought he stopped
sending messages

by flaming butch
a long time ago.

That's bushes, bitch!

I know what I said.

Oh, oh.

Fucking little Lucy, huh?

So good with your
fucking words, huh?

But, when it came
down to action,

you got your ass
whooped by Goldilocks

in the motherfucking
three bears, didn't you?

Blow me, Gabriel, blow me.

Why don't you blow
me, Gabriel, blow me.

Stop! Happy bitch.

Suck my fat dick, bird cage.

You don't have a dick,

you cum-guzzling cock goblin.

You don't know what I got!

- You mother...
- [groaning]

[Gabe] You son of a
bitch! Shit! You're...

But you're gonna find out.

Not today, Satan.

Not fucking today.

[sighs]

Oh, look! A Black
life not mattering!

[Gabe] What the f... God da...

Daddy damn it!

[upbeat instrumental plays]

♪

[car horn honks]

You better fucking find him

before Michael finds
out we lost him.

Oh, shit! Oh!

Oh, Michael.

- [giggling]
- Hey!

[panting]

We were just about to
call you with an update.

Uh, we got a lead...

on, uh, some older guy.

You know he got information on
how to... how to stop Satan.

That he... he... The
kid's weird ass roommate

actually led us to him.

We... we... we was about... We
was about to pay him a visit.

You remember Levi?

[Gabe] Levi?

Yeah, Levi.

Short angel, unibrow.

He was in charge of heaven's
phone plan for many years.

Always had that
ridiculous expression

on his face anywhere he went.

A smile?

Yes. That.

Him.

And he was so genuine with it,

like he actually meant it.

I had to exile him today.

Exile?

Why... But why?

Well, since you haven't been
returning my phone calls...

especially after the
conversation we had

regarding how important
it is to keep me updated.

Well, I just assumed
Levi had picked us

an unfortunate phone plan,

and, well, he has been exiled.

You remembered what that
was like, don't you Gabriel?

When I found you in New
Orleans on the streets

playing horns in a brass band.

That wasn't ideal, was it?

It was fun.

But... but... but, no, no.

No, not ex... not... Not...
not... not... not ideal.

[Michael] Not ideal.
Not ideal at all.

What is ideal is if we stop Lucy

before Dad even realizes

he's out of the furnace
where he belongs.

Because if he does find out...

I'll have to take care of it.

And we don't want that, do we?

[nervously] No, sir.

I'm sorry?

[Gabe] No, sir.

Good.

Because if things aren't ideal,

common sense dictates
that it will be

less than ideal for
all parties involved,

if you know what I'm saying.

Do I make myself clear?

[Gabe] Crystal, sir.

Here.

Take this.

You might need it.

I have faith in you
boys, don't let me down.

Wow!

My own sword?

Thank you, Michael.

I won't forget this.

No soul left behind.

No souls left behind.

[hard rock music plays]

♪ Breaking down
the walls again ♪

♪ In front of my eyes ♪

♪ I can't see where
you've been, so ♪

♪ All goodbyes ♪

♪ You think you left me
alone, well, think again ♪

♪ Yeah, you got me
hands up [indistinct] ♪

♪ Come on I don't
wanna get you ♪

♪ Gotta finish, man ♪

♪ And I don't care
if I loved you ♪

♪ [indistinct] ♪

[Satan] Michael?

Michael.

I know you're here.

We need to talk.

Come out, come out
wherever you are.

Oh! Wait. Whoa! I saw you.

I saw you. Come out, come out.

No, you can't just hide
back behind the bush.

I already saw you.

You don't just disappear
when you go behind bushes.

This is Earth, okay?

Found the mean twink.

Now...

I just need to find Waldo,

Carmen Sandiego and Michael!

- What gave Ferdinand away?
- Oh, fuck!

You scared me.

[sniffs]

It's that goddamn cologne.

Smells like open cat ass.

- [sighs]
- It's holy water.

Really?

That makes sense.

It's like he's bathes in it.

I could smell it
from a mile away.

Ferdinand, to the limo.

I'll deal with you later.

A limo!

Michael, look at you.

Moving on up!

I dare say your majesty,

to be in the presence of a man

who drives a limo.

Ugh! I'm truly humbled, sir.

I may just deflower my trousers

right here and now.

Oh, oh, oh.

Cut the shit, Lucy!

You don't belong up here.

What is it gonna take...

for you to go back to
where you do belong?

Nothing.

I've almost won.

You lost.

That's why you're here.

I'll not have you going against
God's plan, problem child.

Hypocrite! Oh, shit!

Douchebag! God! It's
my seasonal allergies.

- Don't worry, I'll get over it.
- [sniffs]

Oh, do you remember the first
borns of Egypt, Michael?

Uh, Sodom and Gomorrah,
Hillary's emails?

Literally every time
humanity has been plagued

by disease and famine...

all God asked you
to do was fix it.

Well, what did you do?

Hmm?

Went a little overkill maybe?

Sometimes quite literally?

What is the difference...

between us and them?

- [gasps]
- Oh, I know.

Pick me, pick me, pick me.

Um, oh...

we don't die.

No, no, no. Hang
on. Phone a friend?

Anyone got a phone?
There's nobody here.

Uh, we don't pay taxes.

No, we don't poop.

They can reproduce.

God, I was so close!

So, let's just say I decimate

almost the entire population,

just to prove a point, just
to keep some moral authority,

just to keep some divine rule.

Give it a century of their
time and they're back at it,

overpopulating the world.

They truly are just
a dime a dozen...

but they go directly to heaven.

So, they automatically
get sucked up

the old heaven hole to
see meemaw and Sparky??

Okay. So, uh, what's the point?

What's the point of all this?

You sad, pathetic
little parasite!

If you have to
ask that question,

you don't deserve an answer.

I myself don't...

know why he loves them so much,

but I don't have to.

I understand my design

and that is all
that is necessary.

You question yours

and by questioning
it, you altered it.

Now, you must carry that.

One must begin as
they mean to go on.

You know...

we're not so
different you and I.

- [smacks lips]
- Maybe.

Maybe not.

Hey.

Aren't you gonna stop me?

I cannot yet intervene.

[jazz music plays]

♪

[crosstalk]

♪ And I don't wanna get
you, not a business man ♪

♪ And I don't care
if I love you ♪

♪ I love her [indistinct] ♪

♪ I can't seem to
find the time ♪

♪ To be on my own ♪

♪ [indistinct lyrics] ♪

♪ So I'll just go home ♪

Okay, Dan. You just
gotta go up to her

[sniffs]

then all you gotta do
is profess your love

and show her who you are.

You're such a fucking pussy,

what the fuck would Satan do?

- [inhales deeply]
- All right.

Dan, go extend
your olive branch,

and by olive branch,
I mean penis.

So, the world
[indistinct] with beer

or fucking panties or something.

Stop, I can't do Satan.

♪ And I don't wanna get you ♪

♪ Not a business man ♪

♪ And I don't care
if I love you ♪

♪ I love her [indistinct] ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Then I can't see
to find the time ♪

♪ To be on my own ♪

♪ Got a man ♪

♪ And I can't see
your face in time ♪

♪ So I'll just go ♪

[high-pitched note]

[man] All right. All
right. All right.

I'll take that from
you. Okay. Thank you.

Nice job, round of applause
for them, everybody.

- [audience applauding]
- Thank you. All right.

- [audience cheering]
- Before we move on...

-[man shouting] Before...
before we move on,

I just wanted to
say thank you all.

Before we move on
I just wanna say

thank you all very
much for coming.

This is my husband and I's first

Saturnalia in our new home.

- [audience clapping]
- [man] Thank you, thank you.

- [audience applauding]
- [man] Thank you.

- Say something.
- [smooching]

Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

- [crosstalk]
- What the hell?

- [man] Oh, what's up?
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

- That's on, yeah.
- Yeah. Fuck!

Whatever. Da'Louis everybody.

[man] Let him talk.

- Yeah!
- [man] Uh!

[Da'Louis] Yo, yo, yo, yo,
yo. I need to hear you all.

Y'all ready to get
your ear holes fucked.

- [upbeat instrumental plays]
- [audience cheering]

- [Da'Louis] ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- [audience cheering]

♪ It's the Da'Louis, bitch ♪

- [beatboxing]
- ♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ I was 15 ♪

♪ When I lost my brother ♪

♪ He went off to
college, yeah, just me ♪

♪ My dad, my sisters, my
grandma and my mother ♪

♪ We had a dog, too,
shitting and my dogs ♪

♪ In my house, my
kennel's roof ♪

♪ I'm temperamental, my
dick ain't never gentle ♪

♪ 'Cause my dick be middle ♪

- ♪ Oh, I got this ♪
- It's nice.

What the fuck?

- I'm so sorry.
- I'm sorry.

♪ Whoa! I don't talk
about the about the V ♪

♪ And we talking P-U ♪

[Da'Louis sneezes]

♪ There goes the lady
and we saying goodbye ♪

♪ Look at the
unicorn he's my guy ♪

♪ Beatboxing all night, yeah ♪

[door slams shut]

[coughs]

- Fuck!
- [sighs]

Jesus Christ! You scared
the shit out of me.

- [sniffs]
- [door clicks]

[Dan] I'm sorry. I can
go back in if you want.

- It's fine.
- [sniffs]

[sniffs]

So, you okay?

What happened to your face?

[laughing]

Uh, a couple of guys
made the mistake

of thinking I had money and...

You know, Da'Louis didn't
always used to be this way.

He used to be romantic
and... and kind...

and really loving.

And then he dropped
outta college

and became whatever the
fuck that is in there.

Yeah.

God, you know what's funny?

A guy can just...
You can get so, like,

infatuated with a girl
and it's not healthy.

It's... it's a dangerous
thing, infatuation.

But... but it's like...
It's like all the movies

and all the books and TV shows,

they... they lie to us and...

they make us think
it is a good thing.

Like that all... That
all you have to do

is be obsessed with a girl

and she'll be yours.

Like... Like you're
entitled to her.

[sighs]

You know the most
fucked up part?

Is that you'll...
You'll get rejected

just over and over and...

And then you blame the girl

and you... you wanna
take it out on her

and hurt her 'cause...
'cause she hurt you.

[sighs]

- Oh, my God!
- [papers crackling]

It's for you.

It's, uh, that's for that night,

I just...

I wanted to, uh, you
know, get some closure,

so I could finally move on.

Oh, my God!

Dan, there's $3,000 in here.

Yeah. I... I know
you told me that...

you had to go to the hospital,

therapy and all that, and
I know that's not cheap.

And I know that's not a lot...

It was the most I
could come up with,

but I ju... I
didn't come out here

to make some kind
of a grand gesture.

You know, I... I just,

I... I feel really bad

and I wanna be square, okay?

Yeah. It's... it's...

[sighs]

No one's ever done anything
this nice for me before.

Not even Da'Louis.

And so you're over
me just like that?

Like what?

- Like...
- [Da'Louis] Yo.

What the fuck!

- Da'Louis...
- You bitchy ass, motherfucker!

I thought told you to
stay away from my bitch!

Yo, you don't
deserve her, bitch.

[evil laughter]

You fucked with the
wrong dude, home boy!

- [Dan groaning]
- [Lilly] Dan!

- [Lilly] Da'Louis, stop.
- [groaning]

- [Lilly] Da'Louis!
- [groaning]

[Lilly] Stop, Da'Louis!

- Shut up, bitch!
- [Lilly screams]

[Da'Louis] How many times
have I fucking told you?

You can't do better than me.

You're fucking mine!

[door slams shut]

[indistinct chatter]

[thudding]

[ominous instrumental plays]

[indistinct chanting]

♪

[thudding]

♪

- [evil groaning]
- [thudding]

♪

Uh!

♪

♪

["41" by Whyandotte plays]

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Y'all know what it is ♪

♪ [indistinct lyrics] ♪

♪ Big man, I'm so broke, it's
fucking hurting my head ♪

♪ Let's go, let's
go, let's go ♪

♪ All praise to
the most high ♪

♪ Making waves in a low tide ♪

♪ Small school
in a small pool ♪

♪ Too angry for
lo-fi, oh, shit ♪

[indistinct cheering]

[audience cheering]

[audience clapping]

♪ Catch me when I'm 30,
ain't tryna die an old man ♪

♪ Rap game Ron Simmons,
God never gave no damn ♪

♪ Nobody gave two shits, now
you assholes too pissed ♪

♪ I am better than you bitch ♪

♪ You bitch, you
bitch, you bitch ♪

♪ Gotta stop swearing but
I swear to God it's true ♪

- ♪ I am better than you bitch ♪
- I want a fucking chance!

[laughing]

So, she sent you a topless photo

with "love you" on her tits?

I don't care what you think,

Brittany says she loves me.

[giggling] Do you
hear yourself?

You're trying to
justify cheating on me

because this Brittany
bitch says she loves you!

Well, she actually
likes giving head.

You always been complaining,
like, "Oh, my mouth hurts."

I never asked you
to pierce your dick!

Oh, well, lots of
porn stars got 'em

and it never stops
him from getting head.

Most have like maybe one.

Your shit looks like it should
be hiding in a puzzle box

waiting to murder people,
you fucking asshole!

[gasps]

Oh, hey. Hey, guys.

Let's bring it
down a notch, huh?

As the self-appointed
party doctor,

I'm gonna have to
prescribe some Imodium.

What, bitch? Don't even
know what you're saying!

Uh, "cause you're
being a party pooper.

- Imodium?
- Hmm.

Can you get it?
He's not getting it.

Lilly, what do you say,
we ditch logic here

and go show JC's mom what
she's been missing, yeah?

- [Lilly] Yeah.
- Hey, motherfucker!

I... I don't know how you
just magically you grew

a set of balls, but I
suggest that you take them

and you tuck them
in between your legs

while you walk away
before I cut 'em off

and feed 'em to my
homie Jamal's dog...

- [barking]
- Bitch!

Hey, Da'Louis, there's a
great corner over there

you can squat on and sell meth,

what are you still
doing here, big dog?

- Dan, stop.
- Look.

I'm sure he's very upset
Mr. White died, okay?

But there's just no reason
to act like this, buddy.

- [punch thuds]
- [Da'Louis groaning]

- [punch thuds]
- [Da'Louis screaming in pain]

- Dan?
- Yeah.

If you want better for yourself,

it's up to you to take it.

Nobody else.

[Da'Louis groaning]

[Da'Louis] Okay. Get
back here, bitch.

[wheezing] I got
warrants, so...

Let's go.

[Da'Louis] You
ain't... you ain't

never doing better than me.

God! Every time you
open your mouth,

it's like you plant a
shit seed in my mind,

that grows into an
entire shit tree.

And then the winds

of self-questioning
and insecurity

blow it's leaves
all over my brain,

and plant more shit seeds.

Before you fucking know it,
I have an entire ecosystem

living in a goddamn
shit forest in my brain

that I tried to burn
down with alcohol

and impulsive decision making.

You went to two Wiz
Khalifa concerts, Da'Louis.

Two!

If you were to look up
cultural appropriation

and misogyny, it would
pop up with images

of you and the
domestic abuse hotline!

Oh, and FYI,

lasting for a minute and a half,

and whispering in my ear,

"You're welcome, ho,"

does not make me cum any faster!

I now wait until you fall asleep

at, like, six o'clock
in the morning

just to finish myself off.

[laughing] Saving you
the embarrassment!

It's gotten so bad,

the sounds of birds
chirping turns me on.

[laughing] And so, with
that, I say, "Fuck you,

and have a nice life!"

[clumping footsteps]

So... Whoa. Does this
mean no head tonight?

[sighs] Thank you
for that, Dan.

- Seriously.
- [smacks lips] Don't mention.

I wanted to do that
since I met the guy.

[Lilly laughing] So, what?

Are you just some kind of

kind, heroic type guy now?

What happened to that
creep from this morning?

I don't know, but, uh,
I do a lot of thinking

about my priorities and, uh,
I think I got 'em straight.

- [Lilly] Yeah?
- Yeah.

That's a lot of growing to do
in one day, but I'll take it.

So, do you wanna grab
a drink or something?

Actually, I gotta
get some stuff done

and then we could just meet
at my place in, like, an hour.

[scoffs] Okay, look, Dan.

I really don't feel
comfortable with that.

Uh, it's okay.

How about this? You're
comfortable with this?

♪

[sighs]

[sniffs] Okay,
your place then.

- I'll text you the address.
- [Lilly laughs]

Uh, wait, Dan! You
don't have my number!

[Dan] Oh, yes, I do.

[Crawley] I'm so
happy you decided

to join me this evening.

[cork popping]

Bourbon?

[student] Oh, um,
Professor, I'm only 20.

You mentioned something
about extra credit and that

you were gonna write me a
letter of recommendation.

Please...

have a drink first.

I won't tell if you don't.

Um, is this the extra credit?

If you want it to be.

I was thinking maybe

you could do an oral exam.

Say, do you see that
statue over there?

Mm-hmm.

That...

is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

He lost his ability to
hear at a very young age,

but despite his handicap,

he still had an
impeccable sex drive

and never lost the ability to
create masterful symphonies.

Some say most of
his work exudes sex.

What do you say I throw some on,

and you tell me if
you can hear it?

Wasn't Beethoven the deaf one?

[laughing]

[knock on door]

Oh, come on!

Now, who the hell could
that be at this hour?

Nonsense! Absolute nonsense!

Stay right here, darling.

[clumping footsteps]

Dan? Do you have any
idea how late it is?

I've got a girl in here, man!

[shushing]

[thud]

Jesus, Dan! What the
hell is wrong with you?

Wrong on both counts,
Professor, and I'll tell you...

["Rondo Alla Turca"
by Mozart playing]

You. Girl. I'm in a
good mood tonight.

Get outta here.

[door creaking]

The grade is not
worth it, sweetheart.

Shit...

Always a chase.

[Crawley] Shit...

[music intensifying]

[groaning]

Ooh... gnarly.
That smarts, huh?

Ooh, Mozart.

[gasping] Please, Daniel.

This isn't right! Why?

Wrong again, prof.

You know, like you, my concern
really isn't with what's right.

No, my concern lies more
with disgusting predators

preying on the
shepherd less flock.

Naïve young women who
think, for whatever reason,

these predators have
something to offer.

Creepy old men walking around

deluding themselves
into thinking

they're living their
lives so much better

than everybody else.

When... when in reality

your own colleagues
don't even respect ya.

You piece of shit!

[music continues]

"See, through me you pass
into the city of woe.

Into unending pain.

Through me, among
those lost for aye.

Justice maker of
my fabric moved.

Behind me, supremest
wisdom, and primeval love.

Before me, things create
were none, save things.

Eternal, and eternal
I shall remain."

Unlike you.

[metal rattling]

"Abandon all hope
ye who enter here."

Fuck you, and fuck Shakespeare!

You cunt!

[music continues]

It's Dante, actually.

[Crawley screaming]

Not that a fuckwit like
you would know that.

You need help, Daniel.

Serious help, please!

Oh...

I'm helping Danny boy now.

[Crawley snorts]

[thudding]

♪

Oops.

[flesh squelching]

[whimpering] Man, I'm
gonna get so swole.

I'm gonna kick that bitch's ass.

[groaning]

Golly!

[breathing heavily]

Oh, thank God!

[giggles] "Drink me homie."

Thank you.

Ooh!

Oh!

Yeah, that'll do.

Oh!

Oh. Oh, no way!

[laughs] Oh, shit, homie.

Uh, no way!

That's like the holy
ground right there.

[smacks lips] Oh,
that's, like, 100 proof.

Oh, that's a fountain of youth.

I got a [indistinct] up
this shit live stream.

Oh, oh!

Oh, baby, wait, wait.

Yo, what's up, my Da'Louisers?

What's happening?

You ready for this?
[exclaiming in excitement]

We're out here doing what
nobody else is doing.

Not the big names,
not the little names,

no nothing.

We got a straight pool
full of liquor right here.

We swimming like we little
sea turtles up in this bitch.

We... we got the goose,
it's on the loose.

It's still gray, we using
just all our cavities.

We need our nose, our
mouth, everything.

Get ready for the after
effects, it's gonna be awesome.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What! We getting all in there.

Survival of the
fittest, that's me, son.

Oh, yeah.

[laughing] Oh, yeah.

Ho, hos, bitches,

hit me up if you're
trying to turn up.

You know what I'm saying?

[laughs]

- [ominous instrumental playing]
- [slurping]

[breathes heavily]

[sobbing] Man, fuck you,
Lilly, you fucking bitch

and your fake ass boyfriend.

[sobbing]

Oh, I love you.

[ominous instrumental
intensifying]

You wanna breathe, little baby?

Take a breath. You
can breathe in here.

You can breathe in here. I
swear, I blessed these waters.

I'm gonna baptize you

in the light of the
morning star, bitch!

I'm gonna baptize
he who had sinned.

He who had bitten
from the apple.

He who lays his
hands on falsehoods.

And now I lay my hands
on you and I'll show you

your only salvation, buddy.

You getting cold, big guy?

You getting cold?
It's all right.

One more big breath for me
and you're gonna find out

who killed Tupac,
I swear to God!

One more. Come on.

You can do it. Easy.

[frightening
instrumental playing]

[harmonious
instrumental playing]

[whistling]

You annoying little fuck!

You got me running all over town

trying to clean up your mess.

And you know, I hate running.

Oh, this shit is over.

Oh, hell yeah.

That's your ass,
behold motherfucker!

God has gifted me with a weapon

to smack your punk ass

back to the fiery depth of hell.

Let's go bitch!

[dramatic orchestral
music playing]

What you gonna do?

Uh, yeah.

I'm gonna go this way.

[groans] Oh, Dan does not
take care of his body.

[Gabe] You got me running!

[Panting heavily]

And now I banish...

Fuck! Banish your
ass back to hell.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute here!

A toy sword?

- What? No!
- [Dan] Yeah, it is.

Oh, it's not a toy.
It's a collector's item.

- [laughing]
- [Gabe] What?

Let me get this straight.

Big guns, upstairs, the big guy

he gave Michael what?

This epic ancient
flaming holy sword.

And what did he give you?

What, is that from the
pawn shop down the street?

I can see the tag
on it. [laughing]

Ha, made you look.

I'm getting nothing
from Kabib here.

He's just giving me nothing.

[groaning]

Geez, Louis, you guys
had me sweating there!

Is that even a sword or are
you just happy to see me?

[laughing] It's
not even sharp.

What are you gonna
do? LARP me to death!

LARP? What the fuck is LARP?

It's an acronym. Live
Action Role Play.

Oh, you'll love it, it's
for losers like you,

- they get all dressed up...
- [Gabe] You motherfucker!

Uh, you little
bitch! That hurt!

Why you always gotta
be like this, man!

Why you always gotta be a dick!

A dick?

Wha... Why didn't he
give me a dick then?

Think about it.

He gives all these
motherfuckers penises.

They're walking around
slinging 'em like this

or whatever they
fucking do with it.

It's just smooth
down there for me.

It's like a...
it's like a doll...

Like an action figure, I mean.

And I'm just sitting down there

watching everybody get
jack rabbit fucked,

booty claps,
slapping that flesh,

fucking tits and
dicks everywhere,

and I'm just sitting there
watching like a fucking cuck.

And I can't even jerk off!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go gorilla fuck

this broad's lights out
with my brand new hog.

[snorts] Pig!

[rock music playing]

What's up, buddy? It's
showtime. You ready?

You fucker.

[panting]

It's...

[yelling]

[Dan] Lars, buddy,
where have you been?

I have been looking
everywhere for you, man.

I was... I was in the party

and then... and then I went

to the Mexican
restaurant downtown

and then I was at
the new gelato place

and you were in none
of those places, man!

You must not have been
looking very hard, buddy,

'cause I was in all
of those places.

- Damn!
- Oh, yeah.

I must have just missed you.

And then my bike's
tire got a flat

and I had to walk.

God, I can barely stand.

Yeah. I can see that.

Hey, haven't you been
running every day

for the last three months, bud?

Uh, yeah,

but this, uh, was more running.

Yeah, I'm sure it was lard.

I mean, Lars, Lars.

Hey, hey, that wasn't very nice.

I'm sorry. It...
it slipped out.

- It just slipped out.
- Wait.

Are you still Dan or
are you Satan yet?

Why?

[scoffs] Would you relax,
Perv-bury Doughboy?

Yes, I'm Dan. Of
course I'm Dan.

He possessed me
for a brief moment

and then I had this...
this beautiful kiss

with Lilly under a star lit sky.

And the power of true love,
it cast him from my body

right back to the depths of hell

where he belongs.

And now, Lilly is in the shower
getting ready for yours truly.

- [laughs]
- Really?

- Yeah, really.
- Dude!

- Right.
- Man, uh.

- That's a relief, man.
- Yeah.

God! Hey, you know what?

- Good for you, dude.
- Good for me.

Uh, that... that chick,

she is finer than
Egyptian sand man!

[papers crackling]

[breathes heavily]

You're fucked! Whack!

[evil laughter]

And the sinner's naked

with nowhere to hide,

must suffer the cold
torrents from above...

[Lars groaning]

and the frozen paste from below.

[Lars groaning louder]

See you never, loser.

Geez!

[sentimental piano
music playing]

[Dan yelling indistinctly]

Fuck God! Yeah!

[Dan moaning loudly]

Really sweet!

- [Lilly moaning]
- Boom!

[ear ringing]

[knocking in the distance]

[ominous instrumental]

Isn't this beautiful?

[Dan exhales sharply]
Yeah, it really is.

[knocking in the distance]

Wait, am I dead?

Is... is this a
dream? Am I dreaming?

This has all been
a dream, Danny boy.

My dream. Come true.

Okay.

What if... What if
I wanna wake up?

That is your choice.
You do have a choice.

But, you know, sometimes

it's easier to
live in one's dream

than one's, uh, reality,

if you know what I mean.

I'm not really sure
how to feel about that.

You should feel privileged, Dan.

You... you helped
fulfill a prophecy.

Helped bring about
the apocalypse.

We're Pac-ky bros.

[laughing]

I don't...

If this was your
plan the whole time,

I just don't understand why me.

Dan, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Please don't give me
that bullshit, Dan.

I don't wanna hear one
more fucking moment

of your sad sack, Dan.

If I... You... you know what?

If I got... You're...

You got a stupid face, Dan.

You got a real
stupid face. Yeah.

I'm so sick to
death of your face.

I think the world's
sick of your face, Dan.

Everybody sees you

and you're like the fat
kid on the playground.

Can't explain it.
They don't know why.

That face is so punchable,

they just wanna beat
the shit out of it.

Yeah.

Look, if I'm gonna
take... take the reins,

take control of somebody,
what do you think?

I'm gonna go for
the... the Pope?

Am I gonna make it
harder for myself?

No, no, no, no, no, no, Danny.

See, you...

you're stupid,

you're lazy,

you're easy.

You're driftwood.

It's so easy

to just push you in a direction.

Look, I could have
gone a different way.

I could have totally gone a
different way, but, you know,

Jared Leto's schedule

was chalk full of
so much bullshit.

So much!

[sighs]

[whispering] Jared Leto.

- Yeah.
- You know, big guy

is not a big fan of him either.

Mm, yeah, great
universal unifier there.

We all hate Jared Leto.

Ice cream?

[Satan] Oh, it's
so fucking good.

Why do you hate
humanity so much?

I don't hate humanity.
I love you guys.

I love you so much,

I wanna spend the rest
of eternity with you.

Forever and always.

[knocking getting closer]

See, I wanna give you

true freedom of will.

I just wanna set you free.

I'm just not acting like I'm
doing it like you know who.

Now, see, I'm gonna
give it to you.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Uh...

I don't really know if I
wanna wake up now, you know?

[knocking getting closer]

Wanna wind back
the clock, right?

Take it all back.
Make better choices.

Yeah, I understand,
but unfortunately...

that's even out of
my jurisdiction.

Yeah.

Gotta live with
those choices, Dan.

Live with them.

See, unfortunately,
you made the decision

that has plagued mankind
since the dawn of time.

You were thinking
with your dick.

[laughing] Deuces sucker!

[transcendent orchestral
music playing]

[music continues]

[knocking echoes]

[groaning]

[frightening
instrumental playing]

[panting]

[banging on floor]

[frightening instrumental
intensifying]

♪

♪

[knocking on door]

- Gabriel?
- [Gabe] Yes, ma'am.

All right. Come on in.

I was a little
skeptical at first,

I will admit,
about hiring a man,

but your resume
speaks for itself.

Thank you so much
for being here.

I'm so grateful.

I really am surprised
you even wanted the job.

Everybody's been out
trying to do their part

in rebuilding the community,
I've just been feeling so bad

I haven't been able to do mine.

So thank you again.

I'm so happy.

Oh, child. That's no problem.

I'm always happy to
help a child in need.

Well, I, uh... I kinda wish
you would've come earlier

so I could have
shown you around,

but you have my number and, um,

there's... there's bottles
in the fridge if you need it.

- And I just put Lucy down so...
- Wait.

She should sleep
through the night.

Lucy?

[laughing loudly]

Whoo, child!

[laughing]

All right. Mm-hmm.

- [Melissa] Yeah.
- Okay.

So, anyway, I am
already running late.

So if you need
absolutely anything,

you call me, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- [Melissa] Thank you again.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Have a wonderful day.

[Melissa] You too.

- [ominous instrumental playing]
- [door clicking closed]

[laughing]

[music box playing]

Hi, little Lucy.

[laughing]

Can't start no
shit now, can you?

You know, I was
worried at first.

You caused a lot of weird
shit to happen around here.

You caused a lot of
motherfucking problems.

That's all right.

You can't do shit like
this, can you, baby?

Nah, nah, nah. [laughing]

And you know what?

I'm gonna be here to keep
an eye on you little ass.

We won, bitch! We won.

- [Lucy crying]
- Huh? What? What was that?

Oh, you can't talk
shit now, can you?

No words now, huh?

You ain't got no
dick now, do you?

Can't go spreading your
funky, stinking ass

little seed around,
now, can you?

- [Lucy crying]
- Huh? What?

Goo-goo-ga-ga.

You little ugly, fuck,
all a shit in your mouth.

But that's all right.

And Lucy, by the way,

you made a ugly ass baby.

You buck tooth, cock eyed.

Your eyes are cocked like
a motherfucking pistol.

Look at your fucked up feet.

Look like you've been
kicking brick walls.

Can't stand your ugly
ass, but that's all right

- because I'm gonna be here...
- [Lucy crying]

and I'm gonna be the
one who raised you.

You little motherf...

Fuck your mama!

["With my Love" by Red
Linen Antlers playing]

♪ Oh, but I can't be at home ♪

♪ No, I'll still feel alone ♪

♪ And I can't carry on ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ So if home is
where the heart is ♪

♪ That's why I'll
give mine to you ♪

♪ And if you say
that you'll hold me ♪

♪ We can be no longer lonely ♪

♪ Because all I want ♪

♪ Is to be by your side ♪

♪ And when the time
we have is gone ♪

♪ I hope you're satisfied ♪

♪ With my love ♪

♪ With my love ♪

♪ And in the time
from now 'til then ♪

♪ I'll be here by your side ♪

♪ With my love ♪

♪ With my love ♪

♪ It can be so hard ♪

♪ To give your heart
to someone else ♪

♪ But I know ♪

♪ You'll keep me
safe and warm ♪

♪ And when I say I love you ♪

♪ Know my love
will never die ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ And when the time
we have is gone ♪

♪ I hope you're satisfied ♪

♪ With my love ♪

♪ With my love ♪

♪ And in the time
from now 'til then ♪

♪ I'll be here by your side ♪

♪ With my love ♪

♪ With my love ♪

[music fades]