Saturday Morning Mystery (2012) Movie Script

(STATIC)

(SCREAM)

I got nothin'.

(CHILD CRYING)

Was that a kid?

(CHILD CRYING)

I thought our ghost

was an escaped convict.

It is.

(DRIP)

It's blood.

CHAD: Oh, Jesus.

Is it yours?

No.

Hamlet.

Hamlet, come on.

(FIGURE GROWLING)

(ALL GASPING)

CHAD: Uh, guys?

GWEN: (WHISPERING)

Shh, Chad.

(SCUTTLING)

(FIGURE GROWLING)

It's a projection.

(BABY CRIES)

What the shit?

Can I help you?

(WHINES)

NANCY: There's no

such thing as ghosts.

Just cruddy old perverts,

politicians,

and real estate developers.

When we first got together,

we hunted ghosts.

Sometimes aliens,

moss monsters,

the occasional scary robot.

Now we know what we're

really after is people...

people with something to hide.

People who want everyone

to think there are ghosts.

My best friend Gwen and I

co-founded the gang

our freshman year at Oberlin.

She's a great partner

in business,

and an even better partner

in fighting crime.

Chad's our sound guy,

and he also brings the van.

He's the only one of us

who actually believes

in the paranormal,

so he's probably great

to have around

in case we ever

find something real.

Before we found him,

Floyd repaired robots

at a haunted Showbiz Pizza

in Seattle.

Now he's the rocking-est

resident gearhead

a girl could ask for.

Hamlet's his dog.

Part Great Dane,

part something else,

and all affection.

He's the muscle.

And I'm Nancy,

just a few months shy of getting

my private detective's license,

and already years

into debunking shady shit.

We rip off the masks

so the authorities

can slap on the cuffs.

We're really good.

We get to the bottom of things.

Just ask these assholes...

on visitors day...

at the pen...

in Huntsville.

So, you think you busted up

a kiddy-porn ring, huh?

We're so glad you guys got here when you did.

The situation here was,

these guys had a cover story

of a dead convict

haunting the place.

CHAD: Totally fake.

We even bought high-8

and actually record the ghosts.

CHAD: We can surrender

those to you, if you want.

NANCY: They were scaring everybody away from ever coming in,

so that nobody was finding out

what they were doing.

Shut the fuck up!

We've had this

staked out for months.

Fuckin' months.

We have videotape of them

bringing in the kids.

CHAD: Officer, we have...

We have wiretaps!

We were building a case.

You waltz in

and fuck it all up.

What do you think this is,

some Saturday morning

cartoon show?

(WHINES)

I don't watch television.

We're just doing our jobs.

We're paranormal investigators.

Oh, so you're Ghostbusters.

You know what happens

to real detectives?

They get killed!

(WOMAN SCREAMING IN CRUISER)

Listen, we got in there before anything happened to those kids, okay?

Nothing happened to them

because of us.

Yeah, where were you guys?

Whoa, you didn't do shit

but taint evidence

and fuck our investigation.

These guys are gonna be

out before happy hour,

probably at the carnival,

in line at the Zipper,

if you know what I mean.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

What, are you trying to get

in touch with your inner child?

Fuck your inner child.

(SCREAMING)

So I can call my parents again

and get a loan for us at 15%,

but we haven't paid off

the last one yet.

You still owe me money

for one of those installments,

by the way.

Do you guys think that that was

cow's blood in there?

It was pig's blood,

or something, you know?

NANCY:

This is just total crap.

And who does that?

And you...

And you licked it.

How were we supposed to know

it was a sting operation, okay?

I mean, what the hell?

It's total crap, right?

Right?

It's total crap?

CHAD: Yes, it's total crap.

Yes.

NANCY: It is total crap.

Are we talking about the blood,

or are we talking about...

I think we're talking

about the situation.

No, we're talking

about what happened today.

Did you hear the way those cops were talking to us,

like we were juveniles

or something?

Well...

They weren't very nice.

You save the kids

from pedophiles,

and you don't

even get paid for it.

How would you make

that sustainable?

Well, I was thinking that maybe

we should refine

our business model.

CHAD: That's a good idea.

Okay, I agree,

but what do we do?

I mean, how do we figure

out a way to?

Nance, you have to look

on the bright side.

CHAD: We'll figure it out.

I can call my parents anytime.

No.

Remember that department store job?

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

I could work at the pool again.

(RINGS)

Hello?

MAN: Oh, Nancy.

This is Mike Ryan from

Buford National Bank.

Hi.

Uh, calling about

our haunted house.

NANCY: Yes...

It is potentially a paying job.

By all means.

All right, sir, I'm

gonna work on this.

You have pig blood

all over you.

CHAD: We don't know

if it's pig blood.

Ooh, you know what,

I didn't tell you this, but...

I don't have my period anymore.

Oh, really?

RYAN: That's great.

Do you think you can do

that for that price?

Yeah, absolutely.

Nancy, that would

be really terrific,

'cause, you know, this ghost stuff,

you would not believe.

It's just...

NANCY: We've

seen some crazy stuff.

Yeah, I mean, okay.

Can I ask you one thing?

Um, this place is...

It's really bad, and,

um, it's not like I believe in ghosts or anything like that,

but you do have a...

You do have

a contingency plan, right,

just in case...

(RUSTLING NOISE)

NANCY: Oh, no worries.

I mean, we'll figure it out,

whatever it is.

Okay, great, 'cause, you know,

you'd literally

be saving my life.

(OLD MAN COUGHING) Yeah.

YOUNG WOMAN: Shut up.

CHAD: Well, well.

You guys want to be alone?

Hello.

What are you doin', buddy?

What are you guys doing?

Just hanging out.

Creepy.

Um, were you just hanging out

with the busboy out there?

Who's your new friend?

So I was stuck in this place

for four weeks.

My face is peeling,

I can't take a shit.

Okay.

But it's cool, 'cause I'm

taking like 18 pills a day.

Mm-hmm.

18 pills a day...

Look, I'm sorry.

Your card was declined.

I tried it a couple times.

It'd be like

I'm on the tit, right?

'Cause it's for cash.

CHAD: Okay.

RYAN: That's great.

Yes.

That's great. I can't

guarantee anything,

but if you can put it to rest

by the end of the weekend,

I might be able to work out a little bonus for you, okay?

NANCY:

That would be fantastic.

RYAN: Okay, okay, so

tomorrow we'll see you.

Tomorrow.

6:30, meet me

at the house?

NANCY:

We can absolutely do that.

Great. See you then.

NANCY: Bye.

RYAN: Bye.

Did you have a good call?

Do you think every place

is your house?

OLD MAN: Help me.

GWEN: Those are

like the kind of jobs

that you're

not supposed to take,

and you always take those jobs.

FLOYD: I need money,

or you can't take a shit.

But I couldn't... Okay!

CHAD: So you hustled?

You hustled, right?

FLOYD: I hustled.

Yeah?

CHAD: Yeah?

Oh!

NANCY: Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

No, I'm not gonna work

here no more, man.

What are you worried

about, Pedro?

They're coming

this weekend, man.

They're gonna prove

that there's no ghosts.

Naw, Man.

Exterminados fantasmos, man!

I'm not working here anymore.

This house is fucked up, bro.

What?

Come on.

(BRANCH CREAKING)

(OWL HOOTS)

(BRANCH SNAPS)

Hey! Pedro!

Come on, man! Please!

No more chupacabra,

no more spirito,

no more diablo.

Pedro!

Manuel?

Javier.

Shit!

(INDISTINCT VOICE

RASPING)

All right.

All right, you're

gonna be that way.

Be that way.

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER

COME ON OUT OF THERE.

COME ON OUT OF THERE, MAN.

(CACKLING)

All right, show yourself,

come on.

(LAUGHTER) Whoa!

All right, where are you?

Come on out of there.

All right,

you gonna mess with me?

Come on out

where I can see you.

Come on, I'm ready for ya.

Let's go.

Let's go!

Come on, show your face!

Come on!

Aah!

(ALT ROCK MUSIC)

♪ Now maybe

♪ I didn't mean

to treat you bad ♪

NANCY: All right. Old Kyser place,

let's talk about it.

Um, it was built in 1913.

There's been a history of some reported Satanic activity

going on over the years.

Cult rituals,

that sort of thing.

GWEN:

What kind of Satanists?

Aleister Crowley

or Anton Lavey?

Uh, I don't think the bank's hip

to that sort of thing, Gwen.

Um, it sat vacant

for a little while

till the bank hired

some maintenance crews

and construction guys,

but they keep

getting scared away

because of all the weird stuff

that's going on.

Did they order a full package or a half package?

Full package, baby.

Yeah. That's

my little saleslady.

(ENGINE REVVING)

FLOYD: What's wrong, Chad?

Are you scared?

CHAD: No, I'm just...

I'm having a little trouble

with the accelerator.

NANCY: Is that

what that noise is?

Did you touch the accelerator?

No, I changed the oil and put, uh,

antifreeze in it.

I didn't ask you

to change the antifreeze,

because it's

an air-cooled engine.

I...

Equipment, what do we got?

Um, we got tapes,

but we need a shitload

of nine-volts though...

It sorta...

It smells weird.

Chad, what are you doing?

Yeah, well, we gotta pull over.

There's something wrong

with the car.

Hold on, we gotta pull over.

FLOYD: Where are we?

Wait, we're stopping here?

Ah, I hate this.

Shit.

I changed this.

It's antifreeze.

You, you put the oil in...

It's antifreeze...

You put oil in it.

FLOYD: I don't

drive your van, man.

CHAD: This is any car.

Any car is like this.

FLOYD: No, man,

I fix robots, not vans.

CHAD: Robots have

engines, don't they?

FLOYD: No, they

don't have antifreeze.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

Are you sure

you put it in here?

No, I mean, I put it

in front of this thing.

Ah, Jesus.

Are you on drugs, Floyd?

Well, that doesn't look good.

Looks like you might need some coolant or something.

Yeah, we've definitely seen better days.

Be happy to take a look.

Officer, do you know how far

it is to the Kyser place?

Yeah, actually there's a pretty good Mexican place

just up the road.

Um, they have

really good enchiladas.

And there's a pretty nice

little reasonable motel

that's attached to it, so...

Oh, no, again, we don't...

We don't need a motel.

We stay the night,

it's what we do.

GWEN: It's part

of our job, so...

It's like video surveillance

throughout the nighttime.

It's part of our deliverables.

OFFICER LANCE: Oh, yeah,

I guess they did mention something

about that, yeah.

I guess I thought...

I thought they would send...

maybe send someone with you,

like a security guard.

NANCY: Oh, well,

that's not necessary.

We don't need that.

I mean, this is our job.

It's what we do.

GWEN: Yeah, we can take

care of ourselves.

But, I mean, do you have

any sort of suggestions

or information that you think we might need to know that...

LANCE: I would suggest

staying at the motel.

Oh...

Yeah, I really don't

think they've told y'all

enough about the place.

So how long you been

into this paranormal stuff?

Oh, you know,

just, like, since college.

(GATE CREAKS)

I bet you wanted to be a cop

ever since you were a kid.

Ah, I don't know.

It's my job.

GWEN: Wow.

NANCY: Wow!

I mean, it's amazing.

It's all right.

NANCY: This is beautiful.

CHAD: This place is

totally fuckin' haunted.

CHAD: You think the water's

okay to drink?

Yeah.

Yeah, it tastes fine.

Maybe the guy from the bank

is here already.

LANCE: Yeah, I didn't see

any other cars,

so I think you guys might be on your own, actually.

Oh, that's fine.

That's not a problem.

(SWITCH CLICKING)

I have a little bit of time.

I could show you around

a little bit if you want.

Yeah. Yeah, that

would actually be great.

I'm sure you'd be better at it

than the guys

from the bank anyway.

Yeah, maybe.

You know, it looks

like the bank's

actually done a pretty good job

of cleaning it up,

because they want to sell it.

But they can't keep

maintenance people around.

Hence, a pile of sticks

on the floor.

CHAD: That's a pentagram.

Yeah, that figures.

Kids are always breaking in here with their Ouija boards,

doing their little ceremonies,

trying to scare each other.

GWEN: Do you know

what kind of occult practices

they're using?

Uh, sticks

on the floor, I guess.

Apparently, a place

is empty long enough,

they forget

it's private property.

NANCY: Do you know

any actual history

about the place

that you could tell us?

LANCE: It actually has a pretty interesting history.

There are these people,

the Kysers,

buy the place

back in the fifties

after they come

into a bunch of oil money,

which they apparently took as

some kind of sign

from God or something.

They have this big conversion,

and they have some vision

that this is holy ground

or something,

so they buy the place,

put up a church.

What kind of church?

LANCE: It was, uh...

It was Christian.

Did have a little bit of Eastern religion mixed in there.

It was actually pretty popular

with people from

the town for a while.

And then it became unpopular.

NANCY: Why is that?

LANCE: Well, you know,

some of the people from town

got weirded out, I guess,

by the whole

Eastern religion thing.

People started saying

it was a cult.

It was around that time

that the county decided

they wanted to take

the land to build a mall.

CHAD: That fireplace is

off the charts.

LANCE: They had

a little school here

that went with their church.

Wasn't bad.

Parents actually had me

out here for a little while.

You went to school here?

LANCE: Yeah, I was in class

with their daughter Mona.

She wasn't a bad kid.

But, uh, yeah, until

my parents pulled me out.

Oh, yeah?

Why is that?

LANCE: Well,

supposedly the Kysers were pretty nasty drunks

before their

whole religious conversion.

So I guess with the cult rumors

and the, uh, land dispute,

they, uh, got back

on the sauce,

and their kids

started showing up places

with weird marks on their faces,

shit like that.

So they liked to party, huh?

You do the math.

LANCE: Anyway,

there's a really cool staircase over here.

(CREAKING SOUND)

Some really nice

metalwork right here.

Pretty ornate.

FLOYD: Yeah, I was... I was

thinking the same thing.

It's pretty ornate.

Solid oak banister,

too, I believe.

So whatever happened

to the Kyser family?

Uh, all that stuff with the land dispute and the cult stuff

just kind of got

more and more ugly,

and, uh, next thing you know,

people are saying

that they're Satanists.

They're trying to indoctrinate

kids into Satanism,

involving them

in animal sacrifices.

I never saw

any animal sacrifices, but...

Now, obviously, no mall.

FLOYD: Who is this guy?

LANCE: So people

started saying the state

should take custody

of the kids,

and, next thing you know,

Mona and Frankie Kyser

disappear.

And, naturally,

everyone starts saying

that their parents sacrificed

their kids to the Devil

and burned them up

in the incinerator.

Police show up a few days later to investigate,

nobody's here,

and, uh, Mr. And Mrs. Kyser

turn up in a motel room

a few miles away, dead.

Mrs. Kyser had her head

bashed in with a TV,

and Mr. Kyser had, uh,

blown his brains out.

(SQUEAK)

Blah!

Aah!

God damn it, Floyd!

Kids come in here and get

all high on whatever,

say they see ghosts, demons.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Kid fell out this window

and broke his neck.

(WINDOW THUDS)

CHAD: We gotta put

a camera in this room.

They found a leg over here.

NANCY: Has anyone lived

here since the Kysers?

LANCE: Yeah,

about 15 years ago,

there was a couple

that lived here.

What happened to them?

LANCE: They died.

Multiple stab wounds

to each other.

In the kitchen is

where we found them.

Well, this place is fucked up.

It's a pain in my ass,

tell you that much.

There's people say that the Kysers opened up a gate to Hell.

I don't know about that,

but if you guys find it,

maybe you can charge admission.

(VIBRATION)

CHAD'S VOICE: Gate to Hell,

gate to Hell.

Gate to Hell, that's it!

This place is evil.

The Kysers were Satanists,

so they they built their school

on hallowed ground

and indoctrinated

the children into blood rituals

so they could open

a gate to Hell.

MAN'S VOICE:

They fear God.

CHAD'S VOICE: Oh, my God.

My God!

They sacrificed

their own children

to appease

the Prince of Darkness!

They will possess

the weak-minded.

I must warn Floyd!

I must not fear. Must not fear.

I must not fear.

Fear.

Fear is the mind killer.

(CREAKING)

CHAD: Guys!

LANCE: Yeah, so what'd

you think so far?

I think it's amazing.

I'm really excited.

Well, I know what

you're gonna say next.

That, you know...

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

You're professionals,

and this is what you do...

You got it.

And you're fine,

staying here all night,

but I wouldn't mind stopping by

when my shift is over,

if that's okay.

Yeah.

It would make me feel better.

This place is for real, guys.

Why don't we put

a camera on him?

Can you not do that, please?

(WHISPERS) Are they flirting?

Nope.

Are you jealous?

No, I'm over that.

Okay.

I have my card here,

if you need anything

in the meantime.

It does have

my car phone number,

as well as my office phone.

Got it.

So if you need anything at all,

feel free to call

either of those numbers.

All right, I will.

I'm sure we'll be fine.

Okay, well...

I'll see you later.

All right, I'll see you later.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

CHAD: Okay, before

we go any further,

can we just acknowledge

that there's really something in this house that's real?

There's something here,

and we're gonna capture it.

If we're gonna

capture something,

it's gonna happen

tonight, okay?

Yeah, listen, absolutely,

I agree. Can you not do that?

Hey, Floyd...

You're a fucking child!

Would you go find where

to turn the electricity on,

so we can get to work?

Please?

All right.

Thank you.

Goin' to work.

Come on, Hamlet.

See?

Come on, Hambone.

Our work's never done, man.

Let's go.

Huh.

"Hey, Floyd,

go turn on the power.

"Hey, Floyd, fix the van.

Hey, guys, go fuck yourself."

Huh.

Well, I don't see shit.

Hey, check it out, Hambone.

It's the Kyser family

incinerator.

Here, kiddy, kiddy.

Well, there definitely was

not a party in here.

Well, this is creepy.

(FAINT SINGING)

What the fuck?

(HAMLET WHINES)

(WHINE)

Huh.

(THUD, BOARDS CREAKING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Chad?

GWEN: Hi.

I'm gonna grab some things.

CHAD:

I'm telling you, babe,

I felt something

in that first room,

the dining room,

unlike any of the other places.

GWEN: (SUGGESTIVELY) Did you feel it right here?

CHAD: No, I didn't

feel it back there.

I'm telling you.

I told you so...

You sure? Maybe you

felt it right, oh...

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

Huh.

(CLICKING FLASHLIGHT)

(TAPPING FLASHLIGHT)

Goddamn flashlight.

(CLICKING)

I can promise

you this, Hambone.

(GROWLING)

We are not going in there.

CHAD: Can we please not stay

in the pentagram room?

This looks exactly

like the pentagram

in the '52 incident

in Manhattan Beach.

You guys remember it?

It wasn't facing north,

just like this one.

GWEN:

This one's facing north.

North-ish.

FLOYD: It looks like a soccer

ball made out of twigs.

No, this is the top,

right here.

Floyd, did you put

lights on my microphone?

Yes, I did.

I thought they'd match

your sweater vest, Chadwick.

Jeez. Thanks.

(WIND MOANS)

(STAIRS SQUEAKING)

Blah!

Aah!

Shit.

NANCY: No, Floyd,

I need it more...

It's fine.

It's all the way open.

I need it more to the right.

It's fine.

I really think it's important

to get the bathroom over here.

It's all the way open, and

it's wide, Crimson, okay?

Let it go.

Oh, you know what?

This is what I do.

Please, really

don't call me that.

What do you

want me to call you?

Come on, we got

more lights to set up.

Aw!

(LAUGHS)

(STATIC)

(CREAKING, VOICES)

CHAD: Hello?

Can you hear me?

CHAD'S VOICE: Hello?

Can you hear me?

(TAPE REWINDING)

CHAD'S VOICE:

Can you hear me?

(STOPS RECORDER)

(SWITCHES ON

DIRECTIONAL MICROPHONE)

(AMBIENT NOISE

IN HEADPHONES)

(DISTANT WOMAN'S VOICE)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(WOMAN'S VOICE)

Is that you, Mona?

Mona Kyser?

May I speak to Mona

or Frankie Kyser?

(MUSIC)

CHAD: Spirits of this house,

please give me a sign.

Spirits of this house,

if you can hear me,

knock two times.

Chad?

CHAD: Mona?

(FEMALE VOICE)

(PANTING)

(WOMAN FAINTLY SINGING)

Mona?

Are you singing to me, Mona?

(FAINT SINGING)

Would you like to sing for me?

My name is Chad.

(FAINT SINGING)

Mona?

What?

(WOMAN SINGING

MORE CLEARLY)

Sing to me again.

(SINGING)

(CHAD BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SINGING STOPS,

WIND WHISTLING)

(FIGURE SHOUTS)

Aah!

CHAD: There's something

that we don't understand

that is going on in this house.

This place is dangerous, okay?

(OTHERS DISAGREEING)

We need to get out of here.

GWEN: Worry too much.

Gwen, look, I... I can't

stay here. I'm gonna go.

You can stay here.

I want you to stay here.

Are you serious?

I'm gonna take the van.

What are you afraid of?

I'll be back

in the morning, I'm sorry.

I just cannot do it. FLOYD: Hey,

my shit's in that van.

I'm gonna leave.

Don't be a pussy.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, what? Okay.

All right, okay.

Maybe there is something.

I'm not... I'm not saying

that there is,

but what if there is?

What if there is,

and what if we find it

and record it

and can verify it?

Floyd!

What if we can do that?

And that would

be worth so much more.

It's not about money.

This is not

about money right now.

Okay, it's not about money.

What is the one thing

you told me you've wanted

ever since you were a kid, huh?

The one thing?

Uh, antifreeze.

He wants antifreeze

for his vagina.

That you wanted to see a ghost.

And now, it's a possibility.

Are you seriously telling me

that you're willing

to just give it up right now

when you're so close?

I mean...

GWEN: Please stay.

Okay.

Remember when it used

to be just me and you?

I mean, it was us.

Is this about me and Chad?

Come on, Gwen.

Or is it about Floyd?

Because I warned you about him.

Okay, well, I warned

you about Chad.

Yeah, but Chad and I

are still together.

Yeah, I am painfully

aware of that.

Guess we've gone

a little Scooby-Doo.

We used to be more

like The Galloping Ghost.

Mm-hmm.

Two girls conquering

the world's unsolved mysteries.

(LAUGHS)

I thought you

never watched television.

I don't.

(VIDEO MONITORS BUZZING)

(BUZZ)

(BUZZING)

(DISTORTED VOICE,

GROWLING)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Why don't you give me a treat?

I fed Hamlet.

(LAUGHS

LIKE SCOOBY-DOO)

He was hungry.

Mmm, this tastes good.

(SINISTER TONE) Why don't you give me a treat?

Are you okay?

(PANTING)

I'm a good boy.

Nancy's my favorite,

but Floyd feeds me,

'cause I'm a good boy.

I'm a good boy!

Scratch me.

Just behind my ear,

it's my spot.

Want to go chase a car?

I like chasing cars.

Fuck you!

(BARKS)

(GROWLING)

(HAMLET WHINES)

(BARKS)

Don't fuckin' touch me.

(LAUGHS) I'm cool, man.

I'm cool, I'm cool.

Don't you fuckin' touch me.

I'm cool, man.

Don't.

(LAUGHS) I'm cool, I'm cool,

I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool.

(LAUGHS) I'm cool.

I'm cool, man.

Okay.

Whoo, all right, I am feeling

a little buzzy from that cig.

Yeah, we never

should have quit.

No kidding.

Help me up.

CHAD: Fuck!

Oh, my God, did...

Oh, my God.

Well, we have light.

We have light.

Give me that.

Is Chad upstairs?

I... don't think so.

We did not turn on the lights.

This guy is fuckin' possessed!

Oh, come on.

The lights came on somehow

that had nothing to do with us!

I'm not possessed

It was a joke.

I'm telling you, this place

is fucking haunted, man!

We came to

a fuckin' haunted house!

This is a real

fucking haunted house!

GWEN: Chad, chill out

it's okay.

I'm telling you, man,

this is a fucking crazy place.

NANCY: Floyd, did you

turn the electricity on?

FLOYD: No...

Yeah, okay, look.

It's just a joke.

We're just gonna calm down,

and we're gonna go upstairs.

Someone turned the lights on,

it wasn't us.

We're gonna figure out

who it was.

Oh, God!

Maybe it was a ghost.

God!

Wouldn't that be interesting,

if it was a ghost?

Come on.

NANCY: I need you

to tell me right now,

are you fucking with him again?

I need you to tell me.

No.

Don't be scared, Chad.

Hey, Floyd,

suck my fuckin' cock.

He's just a scaredy-cat.

Floyd, are you

fucking with him?

Yeah.

You're fucking with him?

Yeah, totally.

Don't fuck with him.

It's funny, though.

(LAUGHING)

But I didn't

turn on the lights.

(TICKING)

(FEEDBACK)

(MUFFLED CRASH)

Did you hear that?

GWEN: Nope.

I heard something.

That's the window

the kids fell out of.

Man.

Séances are weird.

You know, they get all

these leaves from someplace.

It's like, they just want

to connect with something.

That's the same paraphernalia

from that '74 incident

in Munich.

These kids aren't

fucking around.

They bring in this stuff,

and they sit there,

and they actually chant.

They actually call up

something evil.

No, they just want

to connect with stuff.

I love that you know

about these things,

and I also...

I love that you can

feel things, Chad, you know?

Because I don't feel

that stuff.

I wish I did that.

I don't do that.

I'm always thinking, you know?

I just want to feel things.

And you don't think.

You're not always thinking

all the time, like me.

You know,

I'm always in my mind.

I don't feel.

I don't just like...

feel things.

You feel things.

No, I don't.

No, cold spots.

Hot spots, right?

See, you walk into

a room in this house,

and it's like somebody

turned up the thermostat.

(LAUGHS)

You know, I start...

I start sweating, and, uh,

as I have these, like,

heart palpitations or something.

And it's just like,

there's just something...

There's... There's something really significant going on.

You know, I just want to feel

like I'm inside of this place.

I just want to be close.

I just want to love.

Oh, I just want to be

so close to it.

I want to be like an insect,

and all of my six legs

are gonna gonna touch

the whole inside of this house.

(LIGHTS CLICK OFF)

Uh...

What...

(BOTH MOANING)

(DRIPPING)

(WOMAN FAINTLY SINGING

AND TALKING)

(PLASTIC BAG RUSTLING)

It's just kids. Ahem.

FLOYD: There ain't shit

going on.

(FAINT MOANING SOUNDS)

All right.

Put some music on.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GWEN WHISPERING)

All the virgins

in all the stories,

all the virgins,

they were sacrificed.

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Pull it tighter.

Look at me.

(LAUGHING)

GWEN: Whoo.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

♪ I've got this feeling

♪ You've got the tools

(SONG CONTINUES

INDISTINCTLY)

(CREAKS, CRASHES)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(HOUSE SETTLING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(GWEN MOANING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

That's a party.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Come on!

Creepy shit!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Chad, you look

like you're on fire.

(FLAMES WHOOSH)

FLOYD:

Chad, you all right?

(GASPS)

FLOYD:

There was a creep.

Nance, what the fuck?

FLOYD:

Ah, fuck!

What the fuck?

Stupid fucking cunt!

Hey, man, tell me there was

a fuckin' ghost or demon

who set my fuckin' van on fire!

No, I was going

up there to tell you guys

there was something

in the fucking room!

Why the fuck did you do that?

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

You're completely right.

It is all my fault, and I

am a stupid fucking cunt.

No, you can't

talk to Nancy like that.

You used my fucking

equipment and my van

to try and disprove

something I believe in,

so I'm the big

fucking joke tonight!

I'm gonna make it right!

I'm gonna fix it!

Good, you should!

Okay!

You guys need to calm down!

GWEN: Look,

it's not your fault.

NANCY: Yes, it is my fault,

and I'm really sorry.

CHAD: You fucking try

to disprove it every day!

You are making

a fucking joke of me!

I'm a big fucking joke!

Everyone thinks it's hilarious.

Would you listen to me?!

I'm gonna make it better!

CHAD: No!

Hey, guys?

Hey, guys! Hey!

(NANCY AND CHAD SHOUTING)

Hey!

You're not a joke!

Hey!

So when I was working

on the van

and you guys were

chatting with the cop,

I got rid of my stash.

I threw my pipe in the cooler,

and I put my bag of acid

in this Thermos.

NANCY: Fuck, Floyd.

GWEN: I filled that

with water.

We're on acid, Floyd?!

It's cool.

It's okay!

It's low-grade stuff!

It means we're tripping balls!

Okay, okay, okay.

We're just seeing shit!

Look, look.

That's all it means!

This is good news!

So what you're telling

me is that the van

could potentially not be on fire out there right now?

No, I'm not saying that.

The van's on fire.

I'm saying you guys

are tripping balls,

and it's cool... No, no!

Fucking asshole!

FLOYD: Hey! Hey!

No!

CHAD:

You have fucked me!

FLOYD: You have

fucking lost it, man!

Don't fucking touch me!

You need to calm down!

You're a whore, okay?

You guys just need to calm down.

What?

It's low-grade shit.

You're a whore.

I'm gonna fucking kill you

before the night's over, man!

No, you guys are tripping!

Motherfucker,

I will fucking kill you

if you come near me again!

All right.

Fucking asshole.

I'm out.

What did you call me, Chad?

I called you a whore.

I'm gonna assume this is

coming out of... you're upset?

No, it's coming out

of you being a whore.

Don't you ever

call me that again.

I'm gonna go get

our clothes now,

and when I get back,

I expect an apology.

God damn you!

(CHAD GROANS)

Fuck!

(SHUDDERS)

Nancy.

Floyd.

Look, fuck Chad.

He's a dumb-ass.

He doesn't know shit.

Just go back inside, okay?

I don't even know why

you're coming out here.

Look, I'm sorry about the van.

I'm sorry about the van.

I'm sorry about the acid.

(LAUGHS)

You're just fli...

You're flipping out.

You're just tripping.

It's cool, calm down.

Okay, I just don't know

why you're out here.

I just want you

to go back inside, okay?

I just want to be

out here by myself.

What are you doing?

I'm standing here.

I'm gonna sleep

in the fucking fountain.

(LAUGHS)

You're not gonna sleep

in the fountain.

Yeah, I am. I'm gonna

sleep in the fountain.

All right, then

I'm gonna stay with you.

No, don't stay with me.

I don't need you to stay

with me, all right?

I don't even know

why you would want to.

I'm fucking everything up.

Everyone is here because of me.

Everything is my fault.

Look, I'm here because of you.

Yeah.

Don't.

I know that sucks,

but I'm here 'cause of you.

It's okay.

Will you calm down?

It's gonna be fine.

Just concentrate on my voice.

Just calm down.

(LAUGHING)

See? Just have fun.

Just have fun.

It's okay.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

I'm sure.

Well, I predicted it, didn't I?

Yeah.

I mean, I didn't know.

Like, it just seemed like...

You didn't know?

I told you this place was dangerous.

I know.

And now we're here,

and we're stuck here.

But you get

that feeling a lot, Chad.

Like, I can't believe that every single time you get a feeling.

I made it a big deal.

I made it clear.

Yeah.

So we're stuck.

I know.

Look, what are we doing here?

I don't know, I mean,

I think we're gonna try to...

Gwen.

We're gonna...

What we're gonna do

is we're gonna... walk.

I mean, that's what we...

We have each other.

It's gonna be fine.

We're gonna get the van fixed.

This is bullshit, okay?

I know.

This is bullshit.

What?

What is this?

What is... What is what?

What we have.

Chad, you're my boyfriend.

You're my lover.

I'm the money.

You're my...

Yeah, I can't do this.

I don't know,

you're doing pretty good.

No, not this. This.

I can't do this anymore.

The group.

I can't do it anymore.

I quit.

You quit?

Yeah, I quit.

What the fuck are you gonna do?

I don't know, I'm gonna

do something else.

You can't do something else.

Well, I know that, because

I'm not good at anything.

No, there's

no such thing as ghosts,

and you're really good

at not finding them.

Well, I want to be really good

at finding something.

Okay.

You gotta take me with you.

Floyd. Look, I know,

I know, I know.

Look, I don't care

about any of this.

I don't care about any of this.

I only care about you.

Aw.

And Hamlet.

I don't care about any of this stuff.

I... I just...

Just take me with you.

I don't know, Floyd.

Come on, no, no, no.

Come on.

I don't know.

I don't know if we

can do this again.

No, I won't... I...

Is that a car?

Floyd, that's a car.

Tell me you have

a Slim Jim in that bag.

I totally have

a Slim Jim in this bag.

CHAD: I cannot tell

what's real anymore.

I have just entered this home,

where I actually felt something that I really wanted to feel,

and I don't know

if it was real or not.

Look, I know I've just

taken a tab of acid,

and I've never done it before,

but I don't know.

Now we've gotten...

Look where we've

gotten with this.

Chad...

are you breaking up with me?

I can't lose you, Chad, okay?

You're like... You make me

feel like a full person.

I don't always feel that way.

And I really...

I didn't mean to cheat on you.

I'm sorry.

Look, this probably isn't

the right forum for this.

Chad, I love you.

I love you.

I'm just gonna lie

down with this dog,

because he loves me

unconditionally,

and he's beautiful,

and he doesn't cheat on me, either.

Mm, I love you, Hamlet.

CHAD: Can you confirm that this dog is eating a human hand?

(GWEN SCREAMS)

(BOTH SHOUTING)

You got it?

CHAD: Floyd!

What?!

Over here!

Where'd this come from?

We found a hand.

We found a human hand.

You found a what?

You're tripping balls, man.

We got a car, though.

Hamlet got it.

Hamlet?

We got a car.

GWEN: It was in his mouth.

I got this, though.

I got this.

Where did this come from?

Hey, Hambone.

GWEN: Whose car is this?

CHAD:

Can you get in?

Floyd!

Oh. We gotta get

the fuck out of here, man!

We have got to get

the fuck out of here!

Floyd, you gotta get that open!

Hang on, hang on!

(LOCK POPS) I got it!

I got it, I got it, I got it!

Oh, yeah, man!

Open the back, please!

You got a Slim Jim in that bag,

and you don't have a knife.

NANCY:

We don't have a knife.

Did anybody find

the fucking keys?

CHAD:

Don't focus on the keys,

focus on hotwiring the car.

Yeah, I can hotwire

the car, Chad.

Mike Ryan. Mike Ryan.

The guy from the bank.

What, do you need,

a fucking screwdriver?

FLOYD: Where the fuck are the keys?

NANCY: The guy from the bank.

Where the fuck is he?

Yeah, where is he?

'Cause we'd really

like to use his car.

Floyd, pop the trunk, please.

Fuck! Oh, damn it.

Okay, Floyd,

pop the trunk, please.

Pop the trunk, Floyd!

I don't know where it is!

Floyd, pop the trunk!

Stop fucking yelling.

(GASPS)

FLOYD: You found pliers?

NANCY: Yeah.

Hey, guys...

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys,

I think the banker's in the trunk.

What?

CHAD: I think

the banker's in the trunk.

Fuck you.

(VOMITING)

Oh, fuck, man.

(CHAD VOMITING)

What the fuck?

Okay, um, I'm gonna

go call that cop.

You... You gotta

check him for keys.

Sorry, man.

(CHAD VOMITING)

(LINE RINGING)

OPERATOR: Customer service,

this is David.

Our records show a past due balance on your phone.

No.

But if you have

a major credit card,

I'd be happy to take that.

Okay, I'm trying to reach 911.

Um, I'm sorry,

911 doesn't appear to be the number you called.

No. Okay,

I'm aware of that.

I'm just trying

to reach the police.

Mm-hmm.

Then... then

can you just...

Then can you just

patch me through to 911?

I would really need

some form of payment.

Get his back pocket.

(GWEN GROANS)

(CHAD VOMITS)

My records show that you

are over $300 past due.

I'm very sorry.

Can you please just

put me through to 911?

I can take your information

and try to get you at the front of the line.

I cannot do that right now!

It is an emergency!

Just please,

can you get me 911?!

(GWEN SCREAMS)

(GROWLING)

(HAMLET BARKING)

Th... There's...

There's someone at the house!

Guys, there's someone

at the house!

Motherfucker! Hey!

Hamlet!

They went upstairs!

He's upstairs!

Guys, he's upstairs!

(HAMLET BARKING)

(BARKING)

Hamlet!

NANCY: Hamlet!

FLOYD: Hamlet?

(BARKING)

Hamlet!

(BARKING)

Hamlet!

(BARKING)

(BARKING GROWS LOUDER)

(BARKING GROWS FAINTER)

Fuck!

Do you see him?

CHAD: No!

Hamlet!

(BARKING)

GWEN: Hamlet?

(BARKING)

(BARKS)

No, come on, Hamlet!

(BARKING)

Gwen!

Nancy?

CHAD: Gwen?

FLOYD: Hamlet!

CHAD: Nancy!

NANCY: Floyd? Hamlet?

CHAD: Hamlet?

Chad?

(DISTANT BARKING)

FLOYD: Nancy?

CHAD: Gwen?

GWEN: Floyd?

NANCY: Hamlet!

Hamlet!

Hamlet.

NANCY: Floyd?

(HAMLET GROWLS)

Chad!

Chad?

FLOYD: Gwen?

(HAMLET YELPS)

NANCY: Gwen?

GWEN: Oh!

Shh!

Fucking hell.

(HAMLET SNARLING)

(THUD, HAMLET WHINES)

CHAD: Hamlet!

GWEN: Chad?

Hamlet!

I swear to fucking God,

he came in this room.

(HAMLET WHINING)

(DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS)

NANCY:

That didn't sound good.

Tell me you shut this door.

No.

FLOYD: Fuck, man.

No, no, no.

(CHAD SHOUTS)

FLOYD: What the fuck, man?

What the fuck?

It's fucking blood.

CHAD: Mother... Get him!

GWEN: Chad!

(NANCY CRIES OUT)

What the fuck, man.

Unh! You killed

my fucking dog?!

What the fuck is wrong

with you?!

Fuck you! Fuck!

You shit! Fuck!

(CHOKING)

You want to die?

Die!

GWEN: Chad, stop!

Chad, stop!

(SCREAMING)

GWEN: Chad!

(SCREAMING)

Waah!

(DOORKNOB RATTLING,

ALL SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(GWEN SCREAMS)

(MAN SHOUTING

INDISTINCTLY)

FLOYD: Come on!

GWEN: No, Chad!

Get in there!

Get the dresser,

get the dresser!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

(GWEN WHIMPERING)

Get down. Shh, shh!

Turn your lights off,

turn your lights off!

(MAN HOWLING OUTSIDE)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Shh.

(WHISPERING)

What the fuck, man.

(THUD)

(RAPID FOOTSTEPS)

(MAN HOWLS)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(WHIMPERING AND CRYING)

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

(WOMAN'S VOICE)

FLOYD:

What the fuck...

(MAN AND WOMAN SPEAKING

INDISTINCTLY)

FLOYD: (WHISPERS)

Fuckin' prick.

(STOMPING)

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)

NANCY: (WHISPERING)

It's okay.

It's okay, it's okay,

it's okay, it's okay.

(MAN AND WOMAN SHOUTING)

FLOYD: Fuck, man.

(COFFEE SPLASHES)

(THUD IN HALLWAY)

Someone's outside.

NANCY: Yeah, what is it?

(WOMAN SHOUTS

IN HALLWAY)

(HURRIED FOOTSTEPS)

It's that cop.

Help me open it.

(BOTH STRAINING)

FLOYD: Shh, shh!

We gotta get out.

We gotta get out of here.

We gotta get out.

We're gonna get out,

We're gonna get out.

(STRAINS)

Shh, shh, shh!

FLOYD: No!

(WHISPERING) What the fuck are you doing?

Okay.

FLOYD: Okay, okay.

We're gonna get out of here.

We're gonna get out.

FLOYD: Gwen,

give me that ax.

GWEN: We're gonna get out.

FLOYD: Gwen, give me

the fuckin' ax.

We're gonna get out.

Hey, Gwen.

Come on, give me the ax.

Okay.

Gwen, give me the fucking ax.

Gwen, give him the ax.

Gwen, give me the fucking ax.

(PANTING) No.

Gwen. Gwen!

Gwen!

No.

Okay... okay...

Shut the fuck up.

You're gonna get us killed.

Floyd, it's the cop.

(SHOUTING)

NANCY: No!

(GRUNTING)

Fuck, man!

Man! Fuck!

(SCREAMS AND SHOUTS)

Run!

(HOWLING)

Aah!

(SHOUTING)

Let me the fuck out!

(MOCK CRYING)

(SCREAMING)

FLOYD: Nancy!

(COUGHING, GROANING)

(SCREAMING,

CRYING)

Fuck you, man!

(GROANING)

(COUGHING)

Nancy!

Floyd! Floyd!

FLOYD: No! No!

He's taking me!

NANCY: [sobbing)

I can't get it.

(FLOYD SCREAMING)

Fuck!

Okay, okay, okay...

FLOYD: No!

Shh! Gwen! Gwen!

(FLOYD SCREAMING)

I... I need you to help me.

I need you to reach around

and get the fucking thing.

Okay? Come on.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

God!

(WHISPERING)

Shh. Quiet.

Let's open it up.

There's a thing up there.

LANCE:

Come on, let's go.

Come with me.

(DISTANT SCREAM)

Where are your friends?

They're dead.

They chopped his head off.

(DISTANT SCREAM)

Who's that?

Who's in the house?

Ghosts.

He doesn't have a face.

Shh. Shut up.

(MOANING)

Freeze, muthafucka!

(GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMS, GUNSHOT)

(HOWL)

I got him.

Let's go out the side door.

NANCY:

Do you have something?

(GRUNTING)

Get back.

No, wait.

Did you call for backup?

Yeah, it's gonna be awhile.

(DISTANT SCREAM)

GWEN: Okay.

Come on! Hurry up!

(MAN SCREAMING)

LANCE: Aah! Aah!

(MAN GRUNTS AND HOWLS)

Let's go.

Fuck. All right.

Let's go.

No, we can't.

We can't. Let's go.

No, Gwen!

Okay, no, we gotta go back.

We gotta go.

We have to check on him.

We have to go see if he's okay.

Nancy, he's not okay.

No, you don't know that.

Okay? Nobody's okay.

Gwen, you don't know that.

He's not okay.

I can't just

let this happen again.

I can't let him just die.

I can't do this again.

You're gonna die.

Don't go back.

Listen.

Okay, I know you're

not gonna go, all right?

It's okay.

You don't have to go.

You stay here, and you go

find help, all right?

It's okay.

Go find help.

He said there's gonna

be backup soon.

It's okay.

Everything's gonna be fine,

all right? Don't leave me.

Everything's gonna be fine.

I'm so sorry.

I have to go.

I have to go!

Nancy, no!

It's okay.

(DRIPPING)

(DISTANT SHRIEK)

(DISTANT SCREAMS)

(WOMAN SINGING)

(MAN SCREAMING)

(WOMAN SINGING)

(LANCE GROANING

AND GASPING)

(WOMAN SHOUTS)

(MAN SCREAMS)

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

(MAN SCREAMS)

What the fuck?!

(INDISTINCT VOICES)

LANCE: Fuck you!

(WOMAN SHOUTS)

(GRUNTING)

(HOWLING)

(MAN'S DISTANT HOWLING)

NANCY: Fuck!

(WHISPERING)

Jesus Christ, Gwen!

I almost fucking shot you!

Okay...

I had to find you.

It's gotta be the two of us.

Nancy, I think

I solved the mystery.

It's the Kysers.

No, that's crazy.

They're dead.

No, they're not.

They're dead.

Mona and Frankie.

It has to be

the Kyser children.

Remember how Officer Lance

said that people from the county

were always trying to

take away the Kysers' house?

NANCY: Right, so they

could build a mall?

GWEN: But what

if that was the real reason

people accused the Kysers

of being Satanists?

And maybe because the family

couldn't take it anymore...

NANCY: Gwen,

that's why they killed themselves and their kids.

GWEN: No, what if they

didn't kill the kids?

What if they actually ran away?

NANCY: Right.

And they must have been hiding here all along!

And, somehow, they

raised themselves, and...

Gwen, they're just

a couple of little kids

trying to protect their home.

GWEN: It's the only explanation

that makes any sense.

(DISTANT GROANING)

Listen to me.

They're upstairs, okay?

I'm gonna lead,

and I need you to follow behind

and guard us with this, okay?

Can you do that?

Okay.

(MAN AND WOMAN

GRUNTING AND SHOUTING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Do I...

(MAN SHOUTS)

I...

Do I... know you?

(SPEAKS)

Ow, what...

(SPEAKS) Sss.

Ow. Ow.

(SPEAKS)

Ow.

(IMITATING) Ow.

What's your name?

(MUTTERING)

(SPITS)

(MAN SCREAMING)

(MAN AND WOMAN

SCREAMING)

GWEN: They're just

like little kids.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Mona?

Kyser?

Mona Kyser?

The Kysers?

It is the kids from the house.

We were in first grade

together.

LANCE: Right?

Mona!

Uh, we're not here

to hurt you guys.

We're just... We just

want our friend back, okay?

We actually... We know

exactly who you are.

You're Mona,

and you're Frankie.

And, um, we're not...

We're not here to hurt you.

We... We heard. We know

what happened to you.

We know that... that

what happened to you

is far worse than anything

that your parents,

your family

was ever accused of.

You're not Satanists.

You're just...

(GRUNTING)

really messed up.

And... that's

not your fault.

We just want to help you.

And if you would just

please put the ax down.

Gwen, I need you

to fucking shoot him!

NANCY: Gwen!

(GWEN SCREAMS)

No!

(GWEN SCREAMING)

(FRANKIE MOANING)

Enough!

(GUNSHOT)

(GWEN SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GWEN GASPING)

Please kill me.

Please.

Please, please.

Please kill me.

Please, please.

(SCREAMING)

You're my best friend.

NANCY: Come on.

LANCE:

Right by the bridge,

could lay down.

Come on!

We gotta go!

I can take a nap.

Nope. Up you go.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(HOWLING)

(GRUNTING)

Lance.

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

(MONA SHRIEKING)

(SHRIEKING)

(GRUNTING)

You fucking bitch!

(GASPING)

(SOMBER MUSIC)

(DOOR SLAMS, SILENCE)

(GROANS)

Uh...

Can I have the keys?

(SHOUTING)

(CASTING DAWN INTO SHADOW

BY VESPERIAN SORROW PLAYS)

Saturday Morning Mystery (2012) - full transcript