Satiricosissimo (1970) - full transcript
Franco Franco and Ciccio Ingrassia
in film
That's your pet - Cassius Ciccio ...
And with it the laggard Fabio Franco ...
Arranging historic mess
Rushes together through all this darkness.
Inseparable friends, but our clever - Ciccio and Franco!
SATIRIKONISCHE
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
Each enemy is their disgrace in all directions running,
A hero centurion exactly mouse shakes!
The film stars:
Giancarlo BADESSI, Arturo Dominici,
Karin Schubert, Pino Ferrari, Linda BLUE
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
Leonardo Severino, Gigi Reder,
Hugo carbonyl, Ivan Novak,
Renato Montalbano
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
Ignazio Leone, Sam Burke,
Lorenzo TERZON, Britz MONTINARO,
Antonio PIOVANELLI
Without much labor ...
They set fire to the house of the Romans ...
And the glorious Rome of Catullus and Cicero ...
Burns to the last pavilion!
and
Edwige Fenech
in the role of Poppea
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
Yes! Their enemies with shame runs helter-skelter!
Hero-centurion before them, his arm trembling!
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
story, screenplay and dialogues
DZHANVITI Roberto and Dino Verde
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
Here - Cassius, Ciccio and Neronchik.
Fabio Franco became a gladiator ...
He has a sword, and fangs.
But barely lifting his mace -
I made a "bobo" Nero finger!
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
And the enemy of fear is running in all directions!
Hero-centurion before them, his arm trembling!
Oh yeah!
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
In the bath under the cover of night ...
Boils fresh milk ...
Dreaming seize the imperial throne ...
Poppaea seduces naive Franco.
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
And the enemy of their frightened - running in all directions!
Hero-centurion before them, his arm trembling!
producer
Mariano Laurenti
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
We're going to what is considered
ancient center of our history -
to antiquity.
If this antiquity,
then preserved it well.
It looks newer than biolimpika.
What to think about
that twenty centuries
ago...
... It was a place where they lived
immortal characters!
"Satyricon" of Petronius
"Sa-ti-ri-con" ...
- What is it?
- Artwork Petronius Arbiter.
He ends it very hard.
I end very hard !?
- It turns out, he was forced?
- Satire - always a tense affair!
Much as you still need to learn!
I know! I know you have not read.
- If you want, I can recount.
- No!
Do not say, for God's sake!
Do not tell me anything!
I even tell you it is in Latin:
" Forget! "
Idiot, you just did not accept the accident!
But why do not you love
the ancient Romans?
Because they are held
such a ridiculous fashion!
What heresy? They were very elegant!
Now, if we lived in those days!
We would be the key to Citizenship !
- Hostages?
- The key !
I could take to Trimalhionu.
And you...
Well, somewhere to Lucullus.
Wait a minute! And if I can not be
take to Trimalhionu ...
... And you - to Lucullus?
- What does it matter?
- Has, it has!
You can say whatever you want!
But I believe that the men in skirts -
ridiculous, so it is!
Too much hair! Too much!
You must have them shave, my friend!
Stop! Do not touch my hair!
Instead, make my skirt is longer!
Genuine ?! My skirt ?!
Never! Even if we have to fight!
This guy is ready to fight
for the skirt!
Calm down, sir tailor!
It's all in my hips.
I'm embarrassed to them!
But it is - man to man!
And if I can not even ...
... Put on some pants?
Siniora is - the ancient idea!
Costumes should be strictly
Romanesque!
That's what I say,
Your honor.
Leave this officialdom!
Call me just - "Your Excellency."
What does this idiot?
Leave this "idiot"!
Call me just - "Franco".
- And I - "Ciccio".
- Well, pull yourself together!
The agency did not warn you
about the nature of representation?
As you said in the agency?
What this evening in memory of our prot?g?s ...
... Who appeared
in "Satyricon" Fellini.
Appeared!
I want to air my Villa today
imbued with the spirit of the Roman Empire!
On the air, I can still help.
But what do we do with Satyricon?
- We're just two waiters!
- I know!
But did you not say that tonight
you two slaves ?!
- Two beautiful slaves.
- That this is what we have not told.
Enough! Get ready!
Hail Caesar's Rome!
Viva Lazio Lorenzo!
Now you understand why I
I hate the Romans?
Because they make me
so disgusting!
- And before that, you were not so?
- So!
I want to see you,
not read "Satyricon" ...
... Will serve guests
according to the principles of ancient Rome!
I served three years, three stars
Ancient Rome!
But it was not ancient Rome, and the "old"!
I do not know what a name!
I'm talking about Caesar's Rome!
On the Imperial Rome!
- About Rome guzzle!
- How much longer they can guzzle?
Wines!
Yes, sir!
Sir, I am not worthy!
It's my fault! My fault!
My inexcusable fault!
- Vinamusa!
- Already idumius!
What happened?
- I'm sorry, Senator! I just wanted to ...
- You speak Latin?
What!? For two thousand lire a day
you want to get the waiter's polyglot !?
- Please forgive us, sir!
- I forgive you, but not your friend!
Go! Go, but so that more
vinamusa not shed!
Do you think he really believes
I do not know how to say "goat" in Latin?
- Are you happy, my dear?
- It's magic!
Just perfect!
If Fellini was here,
he would have gone mad.
In my opinion, it is already!
- The famous dinner Trimalhiona!
- Ciccio!
Put the bulb in here!
You have not seen my apple?
Not so much to brag about,
but the eyeball is normal.
That's for disrespect to Mr.!
And this is - because once again made a mistake!
This wine should submit
in the end! This - the precious nectar.
The drink of the gods!
Clear!
- Do you believe in that?
- It must be so!
I would prefer to be sure.
In my opinion, very good!
And in my opinion it is not worthy to file
even in the waiting room at the local train station.
- You think? Once again, I will try.
- I also!
- Wait a second!
- Give me!
- Give it to me! Give!
- No, me! To me!
Maloholnye! you have done
irreparable damage!
Well, do not overreact
for a pair of liters of red wine!
Wines ?!
How dare you call this
coveted nectar wine !?
It was a genuine Palermo wine
57th century BC!
He was two thousand years!
So, all right!
I thought that it was newer.
- Chief! Who would want to rob you so?
- Stupid! Stay in the image!
Here, everything is organized so
to maintain an atmosphere of grandeur.
Trimalhiona, Satyricon, Imperial Rome.
I want to apologize to my guests.
But we did not get to try the taste
Palermo my wine of the 56th year
BC ...
... Confirmed by a certificate.
And those two bastard servant
They will be punished as they deserve it.
- Fifty lashes each!
- Do not worry!
- All of this - part of the presentation.
- Are you sure?
- Of course! All this - the historical reconstruction.
- Ciccio ...
- I do not think that he was faking.
- Pretending, pretending!
Who served at the table?
- Who is the culprit?
- It's not me.
It was not you !?
Was it me !?
Ciccio - that's who the culprit!
- Mother dear!
- Stop!
Catch up with both of them!
Ciccio, do not leave me!
You know - I'm afraid of the dark.
- Calm down!
- Give me a hand!
Give more hand!
- Where are we? In the Congo?
- Yeah - in Alaska!
If you see the lights, it will be saved.
This will mean that a number of the road!
But I do not see any lights!
I am ready to flog yourself!
I was impossible to get under your influence.
This does not impact, but a disappointment!
But listen to me, Ciccio.
Just because I'm listening to you,
we run into it!
I only hope that we do not stumble
at any Cayman.
- What?
- The Caymans!
What do you want to say? Cayman - a crocodile!
From here caimans?
Do not worry, Ciccio!
Do not worry, Ciccio!
The main thing - bring me
of this maze!
Ciccio! I have an idea!
Here, look!
We need to find a way.
If you find the way, there are car ...
And if we find the car, we see and lights!
- Good night!
- Thank you! You too!
- Hey! You that - went to bed?
- You yourself wished me good night!
Hey! Get up on, worms!
Praetorian ROAD
Antique Road? What is going on
this view?
Wait! Let me gather my thoughts.
We waited enough for your convenience.
Rise!
Get up!
You got lost, huh?
We will help you to find your host.
Let us arrange a tour of the home!
- Have a nice trip!
- Consider yourself clever?
- Move! Come on!
- Go away!
In recent years, these slaves
completely unbelted!
And all the fault of Spartacus!
That he has engendered in them bold ideas!
If not for those silly batons ...
... They would have looked like
Caesar on the praetorian guard.
- What has Caesar?
- Shut up, you two!
Keep silent,
as it should be arrested!
I protest! I want to speak
his lawyer!
Slaves is neither lawyers nor judges!
They have only their masters!
And your host can punish
and even kill you!
Thank you!
Praetorian Guard, as always,
very effective.
Thank you!
Thank you for having brought me
my two favorite slaves!
Crass and Dumber.
And you - naitupeyshy!
They can, and full of blockheads,
but brave guys.
Yes, but their landlord ...
... You have to teach them a lesson.
For example, to tear his ears.
At what ear there ?!
I would have bitten off their noses in your place.
- Better - ear, I assure ...
- Nothing!
Why do not you tear
your own?
Well, anything I chop off them!
Hold! You deserve it!
Give pretorians!
Hail Petronius!
- Will you talk, or talk to me?
- I will speak!
I do not need any explanation.
I already know everything!
I was also present at yesterday's feast.
You were there? But that was a party
our age!
Of course! At what time,
you think you are?
I was at the feast, and I know who you are.
I sent the Praetorian save you.
If you dragged to Seneca,
you would have paid dearly ...
... For wine, which you overthrew.
Still would! Such an awesome wine
Palermo 56th year before Christ!
Well, what did I tell you?
In fact, it was an ordinary wine
fourth-fifth year after
Nativity of Christ.
- We'll see you at the table ...
- Like I do!
You're now both - my slaves!
- You - the slaves of Petronius Arbiter!
- The one that "Satyricon" !?
What do you know about my "Satyricon"?
I did it not even write!
And do not write! Such headache
Fellini asked you!
I have to go now!
I meet with my friend Nero.
Come also to Franco Nero, and will
pray for his mercy!
The Emperor is waiting for me!
And Nero jokes does not like!
Praise him!
Hail!
It's all your fault!
The whole story of ancient Rome!
My head is about to explode!
What a delusion!
Wherever I went - everywhere I see
alone ancient Rome!
You're wrong!
And I - was not crazy!
The same thing happened to me!
- There must be another explanation.
- What?
If I told you you would not believe.
- We were in ancient Rome!
- Well, of course I do not believe you!
But this is so!
We made a time leap
value of twenty centuries!
- But how is that possible?
- How was I to know something?
Did you not drags itself
It is a great adventure ...
... To be in ancient Rome ?!
In imperial Rome!
But why should I care about
some imperial Rome !?
We were the waiters -
waiters and left!
Worse - slaves,
in which not even the union!
Yes, but now we have
very influential chief - Petronius Arbiter!
And with a guy like this Petronius,
in front of us opened many roads!
ROME
15 kilometers
With the boss,
Petronius like this ...
... In front of us - many roads?
You were right, Ciccio!
Do not act like a woman!
You're still a Roman slave!
So what?!
Faster! I am already late!
We can not go faster,
than fifty paces in an hour!
Do not worry! Roman
Praetorian Police - my friends!
But what happened?
Something to me is not good!
It feels like I'm going to fall!
I tend to side!
Ciccio! Ciccio ...
Hold on! Hold on!
Stop!
Well, what !? Why stop?
We broke a left office.
But I'll fix it immediately!
Come on, get up!
Install spare servant!
I can not do it anymore!
Come on! The emperor must not wait!
Go ahead!
Ciccio! Pochini my left foot!
The Senate and the Roman People
Stop! Do not you see,
that is legion?
Well, not so brave the legion!
And here we drag something very heavy!
Dr. Petronius!
Sorry!
I have a small flow rate,
but we have been too many kilometers.
And after such a road, when we
will be fed?
I - in the afternoon!
After Nero loves punctuality!
And what about you - I do not know.
Hey you!
Parked next to the gate is prohibited.
Whether or not you see the sign?
Sumptuously! What do we do?
Is there no parking
for government officials?
In Rome, there is only one
a government official - Nero!
Excuse me, sir praetorian,
but where are we going to park !?
Do as the others!
Walk around the Imperial Palace,
until your landlord will not return!
- You can tell me?
- No! Go!
- And what "please"?
- Go!
- See how they go!
- You say that to me?
Hey there! Let strode back.
IMPERIAL WORKSHOP
payment for repairs
Wine from raisins
- What are you going next?
- Wash and pour!
But whose is it?
- It is important to the most important!
- It belongs to Petronius Arbiter.
- Will be done!
- Everything should be ready in an hour!
- And here we go for a walk around.
- Yes!
- Hey, wait! A contact that?
- Go and recharge yourself!
You will have to wait Petronius, so -
it's time to do it!
Oh, you see! What a beauty!
Ciccio, I need to eat something!
Though something to throw in the stomach!
IN PALACE Nero
- And if not - I'll fall!
- Yes it is clear!
I can not take it anymore!
- Hey! Hey...
- What?
Here you can go to the Emperor's chambers.
I would like to examine them.
And in the imperial chambers are the kitchen?
- Well, of course!
- Finally, we eat! I am so hungry!
I understand! Idemus!
- And what does it mean?
- Come on, ignorant!
Oh, well, of course! Sorry!
Two chariots were to arrive
milk ass ...
... Bath Divine Poppea!
Okay, I'm coming! I'm going!
All is ready! He falls
after the first piece!
And you become the Emperor!
Sumptuously!
- I - the emperor!
- Yes, you!
Hail, Caesar!
Finally, I had the opportunity to
see this guy - Caesar!
Of course! It really was him - Nero!
What is more, Nero ?! It was Tse-zar!
It was Nero.
Nero also called Caesar.
Ah, I see! Caesar - his name,
and Nero - name!
Caesar Nero!
How can I make you,
my culture, something !?
How do I stay in the company
such troglodyte like you ?!
- But ...
- Shut up! Do not spoil this moment!
Can not you feel here
aroma centuries ?!
The smell of Roman civilization!
Roman splendor!
Roman dishes!
Ciccio, can you hear me?
It's Roman dishes !
And the smell comes from the other side!
Idemus!
Ciccio, a smell!
I have not seen so much food as much as the wedding
Aunt Konchetiny!
Ah, there is even polenta!
Who cares about your polenta ?!
There's beef, eggs, chicken ...
... Apples and salad!
Wait a second!
- What are you looking for?
- Silver plate.
What more silverware ?!
Great Roman civilization
I did not know of silverware.
- Everything here is eaten with the fingers.
- Yes?!
Forgive me, my dear chicken!
Now I'll bite on you!
Place on a platter!
I did not put! We'll eat it!
I mean,
put in place food, wretch!
You teach the codes from infection
the imperial food!
Guards!
Stay calm!
Good day, The fifth !
- The fifth arrived.
- No, he came first - I've seen!
They were forbidden to even catch a glimpse
the imperial food!
- The death of the perpetrators of such blasphemy!
- Like this!
One wait a second!
Let us not take
hasty decisions!
It's just a misunderstanding!
We are here to take food
and deliver it to the emperor.
That's right, sir praetorian!
We are here to pick up the food ...
... And take it
Signor Nero Caesar.
Caesar now just meets
with our host. With Petronius!
With the referee!
If you are going to spend so
Nowadays, we'll be late!
And if we are late, Petronius
It would be furious.
And if Petronius would be furious ...
Then he ... chik-chik!
- Prune!
- Yes!
What are you waiting for then ?!
Well, go!
Perform these two slaves
in the House of Caesar!
That is a wise decision!
So you think, Petronius ...
... That I should appoint retired
veterans?
Of course, the divine!
Almost none of those old soldiers
already dead, no.
A pension always has an effect
our defenders.
Of course, not my fault that all these warriors
already were dead!
Stop laughing!
But still the question remains,
where can I get them money in retirement?
Raise the price of hay ten coins.
Yes, but then the owners of hay
They will be upset.
For two years I three times
He raised the price.
Yes it's true. But, as before,
you can say that this only a temporary measure.
What are you sly fox, Petronius!
I will do as you say.
In this house we will have to feed?
- On knees! Homage to Caesar!
- Yes!
That, he said, to put it
Caesar on his knees?
No, he says, that we have to get up on his knees,
to show respect for Caesar.
Serve the Emperor!
Ah, yes ...
So, hold on! Hold on! Hold on!
Hold! Hold!
Wait! Wait!
Give me! Where are you?
So ... Yes!
Sorry!
Ave Caesar!
Eggs Caesar!
- First Emperor.
- Are not you the emperor?
Caesar Nero!
- No!
- How is "no" !?
Well - I heard? He simply Caesar,
and any not Nero!
And I tell you that if someone
called Caesar, he means - and Nero!
But I have no one called Caesar.
Like this one? I myself have heard!
You were with him - with this guy.
It's impossible! It's Guy!
Well, what do gay?
And then, if he called you Caesar,
it must be part of the family!
I would like to say that Guy - my servant.
He could not be mistaken!
In this case, he did it on purpose!
I think that my favorite brother ...
... I called himself
Imperial name "Caesar"!
How could you think ...?
... Of this heinous act,
divine!?
Beaujolais is not! There is only an egg.
But I ... Did not I - that,
who serves you better than any slaves?
- Thank Nero!
- Thank Nero !!!
Thank Nero!
Already getting cold! Eat first, you!
Eat!
For I have eaten forward Emperor !
Never!
You! Eat when you are!
Come on, Gay Guy! Eat time it offers!
Well, if nobody wants it I'll eat!
Oh no! This divine honor
It should be given to me!
Eat! That's an order!
I obey!
I will eat!
Let chew will be very difficult!
Unable to digest!
Cyanide!
Franco, cold wafted. Close the window!
What are you annoying?
Ciccio! No this is not a cold wind!
This hot wind!
Moreover - it is very very hot!
Ciccio!
Good day, little birds!
"Birdie" - which means "little girls."
What beautiful birds!
You do not want to poporhat us together?
The two of you saved my life and
You deserve hugs.
Yes, but the bird, not a cock!
Friends! Emperor decided
show you my Divine gratitude.
Rome is experiencing difficult days.
And life is exposed to Caesar
constant attempts to murder.
In these difficult times I need
two people like you ...
... For my secret assignments.
We would be very glad ...
... But you can not hire us
part-time work the secret service?
Half of the working day
We have finally made happy.
And the birds!
What are you thinking about!?
We are secret agents of the Emperor!
We will become part of the most influential
spy organization ...
... In the history of mankind!
TS.I.B.A.R.
- What does "TS.I.B.A.R."?
- Tsezarskoe Italian Bureau Antique Romans.
This is a cover-up.
We have to hide
true our activities ...
... Under the name of the trading company.
To cover it pretty bare!
Ave Caesar!
And may the gods keep you!
It - Tidzhelino, head of the department of spyware.
Brought to you two new agents.
Tidzhelino! May the gods keep you!
- You two seem to me a damn ...
- Thank you!
He thinks we're attractive!
- ... Damn ridiculous!
- Nerd! But thanks anyway!
But are you sure, divine,
These two deserve to be secret agents?
They have already shown me
their capabilities.
Only through these two foxes ...
... I did not die from the poison
my brother, the traitor!
Practice them!
I have great confidence
to their skills.
So far, Nero!
It seems that Caesar entrusts you
high expectations, guys.
I now I will build you a few tests.
Rome is filled with a variety of rebels.
Did any of these wicked
always hanging around the squares.
I need to find the main troublemakers.
But above all, I will tell you ...
... How to recognize TS.I.B.A.R. agents
If someone will stand in front of you ...
... And suddenly hit ...
...like this...
It is he! So familiar ...
... It shows you what is secret agent.
It turns out, the man who
He caught me with his wife hotel in Catania ...
- ... Also consisted TS.I.B.A.R.?
- Shut up!
After that...
... So that he could find in you his,
immediately after receiving slaps ...
... That such ...
... You have to answer:
"Thank you my friend!".
This - our standard password-review.
OK, let's try!
Come on, hit him! Forward!
- Who am I?!
- Yes!
- Thank you my friend!
- You are welcome! No problems!
Well, now ...
- Sorry to interrupt, sir Tidzhelino ...
- Yes?
But how much is now undercover agents in Rome?
-Three hundred.
-What?
And what if I meet
all three hundred at once ...
... Then I can not identify
because of such a swollen face!
Nonsense! Nonsense!
And now you must
to go on a mission! Immediately!
- Can?
- Yes! Yes...
Mingle with the crowd.
Listen!
Watch out!
And report on each,
Who says bad about our Caesar!
Do not doubt! I will hold
his eyes wide open!
And I'll keep an eye on everyone!
- Thank you my friend!
- You are welcome! No problems!
Clothes yourself you can pick up here.
The first rule of a secret agent -
merged with others to go unnoticed!
Explain why you chose
helmet with horns?
This barbarous disguise
opens us access anywhere!
Do not forget that the Romans show
a deep respect for the Barbarians.
Barbarians!
- Barbara !!!
- Ill-mannered children!
- Ciccio, they are crazy!
- They're just too old!
Let's hide inside
in order to avoid accidents!
TAVERN Trimalhiona
there-there-there
Two Pop us, please!
What is it?
Pops gas.
These are they who hiss in your hand.
Pasta us, like Messalina!
- And what's that?
- It's such a slut.
Innkeeper damn!
Excuse me, I am now!
I chattering too much with the customers.
How can you order something
in this institution?
- Innkeeper damn!
- Now I go up!
- Please wait a moment, sir
- Boniface us fucking!
Sorry!
For you - sir innkeeper!
I do not pal barbarians!
Well, Signor innkeeper.
Bring us a savory pasta,
little shrimp with squid ...
... And half goat,
baked in the oven.
- And fuck you do not need?
- No, I'd like spinach.
No, I say that a horse-radish you do not bring
from what you ordered!
For you, the barbarians,
there is a special tourist menu!
Do you want to - well! And do not want to -
so away from my dives!
- Calm!
- What is more calm?
Where is the toilet here?
- For you - not at all!
- Well, I will endure.
Good! Bring us
This tourist menu.
- And I - a little more!
- A little more, huh?
Classic offerings
for the ruling emperor.
Sweetened milk!
Gentle as baklava!
And the taste, like baklava.
Exquisitely as baklava!
Sweet as baklava!
Well, why are you not eating?
I do not like baklava.
Souvenirs straight from Rome!
In memory of Rome!
Grapes from our gold fields!
Jewelry Cornelia
just one sestertius!
Jewelry Cornelia!
In just one sestertius!
I want two!
Give him sesterces!
And what is it?
Cornelius called his sons
precious. Well - Gracchi.
Ciccio, you're talking about more Rackham?
I do not need it!
- Give me a better card.
- What ?
Nothing! This sort of thing in those places,
where we live.
Something barbaric.
I bet he does not even have
lottery tickets, "Sports Lottery".
Another barbaric figovina.
And what this redneck
still nothing here to go ?
Jewelry Cornelia!
Yes, two dozen.
The hostess got your message.
Where the two barbarian?
Good! Stick
the previous plan.
Drinks from the institution - especially for you.
This sambuca.
But I'd like Spanish fly!
- But it is a real fly!
- You said that you want.
- And they still call us barbarians!
- Come on! Do not be rude!
- Tink-Tink!
- Tink-Tink!
It barbarians?
I could not find a bigger?
Two uncivilized ...
... Primitive, limited!
Look, the hostess,
how a child sleeps this, a little!
You take care of the high.
I'll second.
Come on!
Franco! Window!
Barbarian! Varvarunchik!
Varvarunishko!
My varvarunchik!
Ostgotik!
Oh, ostrogotka!
No, better!
Holy Madonna! Who you are?
You men are the same!
First to praise, to take possession of us ...
... And then ask: "Who are you?".
Do not get me wrong, you're prehistoric mine!
Remind me your name.
Call me "beloved" - you allowed
after what happened between us.
What? What's so wrong with us?
All...
All!? No!
Well yes!
If I tell you, you gotta believe!
And as I have behaved?
As a barbarian!
Thank all the gods of Olympus!
These words make me feel
distraught Ciccio!
You mean "distraught Achilles"?
Believe me - in this case ...
Ciccio ... much better than Achilles!
I just do not understand one ...
How could it happen,
I forgot about everything ... ?!
Come here! Tell me everything,
What happened between us!
I'm sorry, but if the student can not
something to remember him always say again!
- Come on repeat our lesson!
- No!
Come here! Do not leave me!
Do not act like an inexperienced kitten!
Come here!
Even if you are looking for excuses,
the transaction is a deal!
- What other deal?
- Our!
- You promised to kill my husband.
- I And when?
Today! So far, we are with you love.
But this is impossible!
I never concluded deals the murder of her husband!
Besides, I do not remember anything!
It is sad! But you swore
in the presence of witnesses ...
... Which left me
written statement.
Evidence of this kind
It has a very weighty importance.
Because in Rome ...
... The one who lied about writing
binding commitments,
waiting for death!
But when navresh
in the tax returns ...
... Such a punishment is not quite typical.
I do not know what you mean, a barbarian.
But it will be so, as I tell you!
Either your friend is going to kill my husband's mistress ...
... He promised ...
... Or, in accordance with our laws,
kill you ...
... At Caesar's orders.
- But I have something to do with it?
- Ciccio!
- Ciccio, you have no idea what I've done!
- I know everything!
- Hell of Nero!
- No! Damn you!
- And you do not even cover up your hair?
- She's going to cover the hair, yes!
As soon as it becomes a widow -
necessarily povyazhet handkerchief, as it should be!
- I mean - put on your hat!
- Oh, okay.
Now the two of you have nowhere to retreat!
Come to Osteria Trimalchio tomorrow
at five o'clock.
Some people will tell you my husband.
And remember, too, that I'll be there!
Try to develop
a good plan for death!
to perform the work, death!
And it's - the wife of Nero!
Ciccio, she insults!
So, it turns out
He's going to kill ...
... Tomorrow at five, right?
Yes, Tidzhelino. It's like that,
as I told you.
Poppaea hired two thugs
something resembling the barbarians.
Yes, I understand.
But one thing I can not comprehend,
my brave Act.
How can they lead the Emperor Nero
in some tavern?
Easier to nowhere!
In Rome, everyone knows that Nero
He has a habit of singing.
Poppaea organized in Trimalchio
musical competition.
Oh good!
We will not say anything to the emperor,
that it is not alarmed.
Tomorrow we catch the two thugs ...
... And get them talking!
Here it is, the thing that will make me
Minister of the Interior!
Go!
Well done!
If you hear my thoughts!
It is in these suits ...
... You go at five o'clock in the tavern ...
... There and grab the two thugs,
who plan to kill Nero.
- Ciccio, but tomorrow we have five ...
- What?
Do you want to disobey the order?
Apparently, you do not know what I,
In this case, you gave!
Well, I gave you?
- I - something non-alcoholic.
- Whiskey! From wine, I'm tired.
I gave you the sentence of hanging ...
... If you do not fall through the conspiracy
to kill the divine Caesar!
And other options, I suggest you do not!
The slightest mistake will cost you
lowered the skins!
We obloposhimus!
- Which means ...
- Now I know what you mean!
We are cursed, Ciccio!
Mom, look!
If you want to take Poppaea
milk bath, she gets it!
Damn it!
It is not milk, but the principles!
People laugh!
- They call you "dairy maid".
- Shut up, old egeyka!
Who you calling old ? egeykoy
- I think that you.
- And you let her mother call egeykoy old.
It is true!
Poppaea, take it back!
I do not even think about it!
Well, at least some of them!
Oh well! I'm sorry, egeyka!
The old woman - it's too hard.
After all, you can not even take
milk baths ...
... Because of your sour flesh
milk turns to yogurt.
Look, son, in what state
you bring the Imperial Rome!
Empire in grasping fingers girls
with mental problems!
- Come on, Mom!
- No!
Emperors shed blood
their fathers ...
... So that you poured the milk ?!
Answer me!
Enough! You bore me!
And anyway, I've got to learn a song!
Tomorrow I will take part in the festival
new voices.
Oh, Caesar! You - a traitor not only,
as a son, but as a singer!
The first song dedicate to mum
before the girl to dedicate it to her!
Otherwise, you disappoint me!
Well, Nero! I'm leaving!
But remember ...
... You have only one mother!
And it is - right!
What a hypocritical in-law!
Why not sentence her to death?
Well, let's go, Neronchik! Can you help me.
- What is it? Talcum powder?
- No, it's - milk powder.
Another one of your fantasies!
What? You do not like that your wife
woven with milk and honey?
Yes of course! But my mother right -
we need to start saving a little.
Let us show the people that the empress -
not so incredible spender.
Slave!
Save this milk
for tomorrow's bath!
Hey you! Come over here and blow the milk!
What is it, darling rabynyushka?
I said that you should pick up milk.
- All!?
- All! Such is the order of Caesar.
What a strange way to breakfast!
The court manners!
But I do not like to drink milk alone!
Wait a minute!
Stand! Caesar Order!
Add coffee - get
beautiful cappuccino!
Well done! Well done!
Stop!
Caesar Order!
Ciccio, and the Romans settled down well!
Muffins, bagels, croissants!
Hurry, while I did not eat!
Let's see if there is enough sugar.
- Excellent, Seneca! I need you!
- If your business is difficult, divine Caesar ...
... You just had to call
my house into the street Appia
under number 31-31.
When I need advice,
I'm calling - at number 31-31.
And what is the problem of the divine?
Women of my house! Agrippina and Poppaea.
They knock me out,
strangle me!
Enlighten me, Seneca.
People kill me - a wife or a mother?
Wife - no! It would be
completely useless step.
The imperial court and the already says
about your divorce.
Yes I know! But also
We talked about Romulus.
We just need a bit of luck ...
I decided!
- I think I'll kill your mother!
- No, Caesar!
Remember that the Romans - the nation
mama's boy!
- You can not even touch my mother!
- But Agrippina - Tigress!
Even the mother of Tigers -
always a mother!
And how are you going to kill my son?
I heard that he was going
sing in the tavern.
I know that Nero - a bad singer,
but I do not think it will kill for it.
My favorite and my lord Agrippina!
Today, Rome - a place for adventurers.
It is full of dense people
that for a couple of sesterces ...
... Ready for anything.
Of course, but it should be
close people.
I have any.
You just have to pay.
- Two hundred sesterces ...
- It's too much!
Last year, when I wanted
Tidzhelino kill, they took me to all
Eighty sesterces.
I know, but this inflation ...
- ... Increases the price for killing.
- Hold!
If all goes well, I'll know,
how to thank you enough.
Hmm, man! In Caesar's Rome
thugs - it is the same profession,
like any other.
If you promised to kill
husband of this woman, we should do it!
Remember, as they say:
"Death - you, me - life" .
Yes, but do you remember the other ...
... "Just think about yourself -
will live to be a hundred! ".
Yes, I know ... But the matron
It keeps us by the throat.
- Devil's matron!
- Wait a minute!
I enlightenment!
- Oh, there's that light bulb?
- No, I meant the idea!
As soon as the barbarians,
who must kill Nero ...
- We will arrest them.
- No!
We will persuade them to kill the husband of the hostess,
rather than Nero.
Nero will be saved, matron happy,
and we - we can go!
- We can go!
- Yes, as you sit down, imbecile!
Check-ka Tidzhelino! He changed
waiter and pretends that we do not know.
I can see!
Signor Tidzhelino!
Greetings!
What he beats me,
if I already knew ?
Listen to me, you moron!
You do not know me!
I work here as a waiter, and you
We came to the festival!
- Clear?
- More clearly not the case, Signor Tidzhelino.
- Yes! Do not! Do not!
- Do you understand?
I got it!
Thank you! Yes!
Two pitchers of red wine
the second table!
FESTIVAL OF NEW VOTES
Here Claudius!
- Claudio Villa ?! It is here, too ?!
- No! This Claudius Nero.
Oh, thank God!
Judges and sudeyshi! Good evening everyone!
Among mortals,
I came here to show
their voices ...
... That will be evaluated
at the festival...
... Tonight we have
Only a true artist.
But this is the one you love the most!
With his incredible voice ...
... Along with his
unsurpassed technique of playing ...
... Just for you - Nero!
Let him go where he came from!
No need to torture our ears!
Do not even try to escape!
Tavern surrounded!
Wait a minute away!
Wait a minute! Be patient,
judges and sudeyshi!
As soon take its place
members of the jury ...
... Sun-August will begin to sing!
Sing, sing!
Did not Nero had to sing?
And then some sun in August!
Sun-August - is Nero!
His name is also Augustus?
How much he names?
Guys! The liver and small brain!
Good! I - liver Venetian ...
... And a little brain
with zucchini.
No, you idiot! This is not the menu!
Instead, you have to liver
use their brains!
- So, it's - State messenger?
- Yes!
And you quietly endure it,
what's going on here?
- And unless you do not "eaten" all this ?!
- No!
Is that if we radish salad with ...
Salad ... and Latin, and fresh dill.
- Today, you will not be anything there!
- We will not?
You will kill!
The man with a lyre - your goal.
- That Signor with red hair?
- Yes!
- Are you joking?! This is Nero!
- Clever!
Good luck!
Ciccio ... You knew who was the matron?
She - the Empress!
And you understand the tragedy of our situation?
We are - thugs Poppea!
I had hoped to persuade the barbarians ...
... To kill her husband matron Nero instead.
And now we let them
do it ...
... And arrest; so it will remain satisfied
and Poppaea, and Tidzhelino.
Idiot! Barbara, who must kill Nero -
it's us!
- So we have to arrest you?
- As secret agents - yes!
Oh, Ciccio!
I will act,
in the opera "Cavalleria Rusticana"!
Come, come, there is nothing we do!
You two! Where we are going?
Well ... It's too hot.
- We went to change clothes!
- Well, just quickly!
Take off your clothes and put on a uniform.
It will be much easier.
And it really would be easier to escape.
It must be our people, from TS.I.B.A.R.
- But he did not slapped me across the face.
- So thank God for it.
Whistle ?! Why whistles this yokel?
It's not against you, oh divine!
Look - the judge put you
the highest scores!
And you are showing that!
But I'm not even sing!
I just set up his lyre.
I fulfilled your instructions,
holy Poppaea.
Two barbarian will do the rest.
- I somehow do not see them.
- There, in the tavern, too crowded.
- I talked to them a moment ago.
- I am sure that they will not deceive us?
Absolutely - no!
They may pretend
assassins ...
... Thugs, even - Praetorians.
But they never outsmart me!
Why do we have to go back inside?
We're already dressed!
Do not you understand ?!
Praetorian place - next to Nero!
Sing, Nero!
Sing, Nero !!! Sing, Nero !!!
Howl, Tr?sor! Howl, Tr?sor!
Cretin! They shout "sing Nero"
and do not ask howl of a Trezor!
Since the scepter in my hands ...
I was sitting in my bedroom all day long ...
And I think of all Sent by
killers-mercenaries ...
Although being a Roman ...
... Emperor of the great ...
... Three things must take care.
Three only love
You should worry about me.
Only Rome, the people ...
Yes ... a mother.
- Sing!
- Shut up!
- And what he does not sing?
- It prevents you go to the next verse!
I tell you - once called him "sing"
so let me sing!
It's true, a lot of people talking.
And it is true that the terms of some spies ...
And they want to burn Rome cruel ...
But being a Roman ...
... They were brave emperor ...
... Three things I need to take care of.
Three only love
You should worry about me.
It - Rome, people ...
Yes ... a mother.
- And who gave you a uniform?
- Two barbarians.
Damn you! Thugs-barbarians -
here they are!
Ah, I see! Feels Tidzhelino hand!
Get out, you two! You too!
Oh, gracious Agrippina!
The plot failed.
But do not despair!
Watch your son numbered.
In Rome today runs a call ...
"Claudius Nero!
Three only love
You should worry about me.
Mere Rome, the people ...
... And her own mother!
Oh yeah! It's incredible, divine!
Perfectly!
- Sing!
- Still, Sir!
Sing to us, Nero!
We ask you - sing!
Sing, Nero! Sing!
Sing away! Well, sing!
Ciccio, you're kind of saying that it is we
barbarians were those who have
kill Nero.
And who then those two?
The two - those guys who we kill,
if they persuaded him to sing again.
Friends!
At the request of the lowest
these two underdeveloped ...
... I'll sing "Holy Madeira!"
For that you have condemned this ?!
Well, what are you waiting for ?!
We do not know anyone here. We are here
to watch the performance.
- You - two idiots!
- That's what we know so well!
Come on! Arrest barbarians!
Nero Rescue!
Italians! Do not behave,
as wild barbarians!
I said - to arrest those barbarians!
- Arrest them!
- Stop!
What are you doing?!
You all have gone mad!
Tidzhelino says that we must
arrest barbarians.
But Nero, we must save!
What to do first?
First of all we must
think of Franco and Ciccio!
Rushed and Nero, and Tidzhelino,
and look, hiding for their own goals!
Faster! Under the table!
Let's hide here!
You have to calm them down,
so that I can sing!
Oh, no, divine!
It will not have much success
in such a mess.
Your barbarians were crazy, Poppaea.
Singing your husband deprived of their mind.
It's my fault. I should not have
trust barbarians such a thing.
- But then ... all is lost?
- Not yet.
There is always one ...
- Honor?
- No!
The escape!
Marcus Tullius, I'm afraid!
Do not be afraid! Here, we are safe.
Now everything is clear, shameless.
- You want to kill my son.
- And you wanted to kill my husband.
Emperor!
- You even found a helper.
- Yes.
Yes it is.
But something my younger!
This table is not available
Oh, my children! You're always going to have a number,
When danger looms over me!
With the two of you, I could
to go right up to the edge of the world!
But first, let's
We get out of here somehow.
Of course! Together with the table!
Busy! Next stop
this stage - at the nearest exit!
We stole the table!
That's the way! There certainly
there is a secret passage!
- Fast! Help me!
- Your Majesty!
- I am the first!
- I also!
I also have to go through!
- You found the passage?
- No, I found a wall
And so I cracked on her head against!
- Ciccio not push me!
- It's not me! It's August.
Stop pushing!
What do you blame everything on Augusto ?!
Throughout the Roman Empire
there is only one such an ass!
And this - the emperor's ass!
My mum?! My wife?!
... My Perceptor and some other centurion,
I can not recognize.
What the hell are you doing here !?
Do you want to know the sacred Caesar?
They weave plots against your
sacred person.
No way, damn!
1000
00:57:17,756 --> 00:57:20,178
Death to them !!! Death!!!
Signor Tidzhelino, so you
the maintenance of order in Rome?
What happened to our people?
Do not worry you ...
It's only a few lunatics.
But at the time, like your people
not even water, is your wife
bathe in champagne!
Well, let them also bathe in champagne,
once they do not have water!
It is not an excuse for those
who do not want to wash!
- Dirt!
- Death to you, murderer!
What are they shouting?
The death of the murderer!
Then I heard correctly.
Tidzhelino, you hide the truth from me!
It's not just crazy?
Agrippina was dead. You can not
bring it back to life, is not it?
Oh no.
But I feel the smell of rebellion!
I think there is only one way
calm them down.
My lyre!
Death to you !!!
The death of you, a killer !!!
The citizens of Rome ...
Oh well! You asked for it themselves!
Then do not complain!
- Call my secret agents!
- Yes...
Secret agents - to the emperor!
Fast! Fast!
The good life at Nero - woman,
yes the champagne!
My favorite!
You are willing to risk their lives
for the sake of the emperor?
- No!
- How is "no"?
- Who said "no"? You said "no"?
- Yes!
You see - "Yes," he says.
We are ready!
Nero decided to issue a decree
the punishment of our Rome.
Punishment our Rome !?
Petronius, but the referee, after all, thank you!
I have decided to destroy this city ...
... For what it has become
the crowd pacifiers.
Here ...
Burn Rome!
Dilute the sacred fire!
What are you doing !? brainless
Nero had in mind that you need to burn it,
as a symbol of Rome, but all the Romans.
Well, bad! Do you think the Romans
so just allow them to burn?
Two hundred and forty-two ...
- Come on!
- Two hundred and forty-three ...
Could you imagine,
that a guy like me, who
I wanted to be an accountant ...
... Finish in ancient Rome
for such a pastime !?
Rab, spy and pyromaniac!
lowered the skins!
Do not you realize that by doing this,
we become part of history?
I think we will be a part of the chaos!
- Well, now that we have, then we do it!
- Come on!
You can not even light a fire ?!
Give it to me!
- Who is it?
- Look - look!
The Statue of Liberty!
Let's ask a favor
this noble lady.
Excuse me, signora!
Should not we lend a spark?
Why not? With you one hundred sesterces.
What kind of light such
which is worth a hundred sesterces ?!
You represent and,
a petrol I can be!
Sorry!
Ciccio ...
I think this is a very powerful flame.
- And what do we do?
- Pay her!
Oh well.
Here ...
Well, that's you. Hundred!
I'll take your torch!
It is so expensive,
that is to lighten the whole city!
- And how do we burn the city with this?
- We need some more gasoline.
I do not think you will manage
find gasoline in ancient Rome.
After seven in the evening and you are in the modern Rome
it will not find.
Hey, look - there is a road.
Surely there are a merchant gasoline.
- Do you want to try?
- Where?
Right in this place?
Merchant 64th gasoline ?!
There was methane! With my own eyes
I saw the merchant.
I can not believe I am traveling
by ancient Rome it is with you
Come on!
she-wolf
dual power
- What did I tell you?
- But it's the hay!
And from him will be a great fire,
if only it was dry!
Forgive us! It is dry?
Dry-dry! You - just right!
Now fill the bag!
You fill it,
and I will fill the next.
Like this...
SUPER hay
Well, well ... You ...
And this is - I ... Yes, I am!
So! So!
- Enough!
- How much to us?
Eight and another third of a kilo ...
It will 320 sesterces.
But yesterday the price was
seven sesterces per kilogram.
What you do not know?
The government raised the rate of sesterces
because of Poppea.
Hey, I go! Fuck!
This is our fire!
And I thought it was a fire from the ground.
Get out, tramp!
- Who was that?
- Deity wishing to provide fire the city.
Ah, got it! Deity named Gorgaz?
- We're going to bring this city the fire?
- Consign it to the flames!
Come on, come on! We need more hay!
Come on!
Ciccio, easier with hay!
We left in the tanks have no grass!
I want to know...
... What idiots on fire
the city of Rome!
They are here! It was them!
- Do you hear?
- Yes!
- Once suppose - so it is !
- And what does it mean?
- Come on!
- Run!
Ciccio!
- What do we do if we get caught?
- We'll see.
We will resort to the law Mindjov!
What the law Mindjov !?
It is something like a law Meng!
Menga ?!
Started trial of two slaves -
Blunt and Dumber ...
... Accused in the tradition of the fire of Rome ...
... The burning of several houses ...
... Including - belonging to the judges.
Even the judges have not escaped the fire.
Who are we now save?
Petronius! He hired us
the best lawyer in Rome!
- And who is he?
- Cicero.
It is he? Tell him something!
Signor lawyer Cicero! Lawyer.
We are defendants.
Prosecutor - please!
Rome was set on fire!
Out of these here!
On the accused persons
imposed stigma ...
... The most incorrigible criminals.
The lawyer, did you hear that?
Tell me something!
All is well!
Behind these faces
hiding two good man.
- Judge, I object!
- Not now! About the first sentence!
But no kidding, no experience
can not be above the law!
That's why I'm asking
the maximum punishment!
A fine of a thousand sesterces!
The ban on visiting all
local eateries!
And death by beheading!
Silence! Silence!
I call on the defendants.
Thank you, Judge!
- What is a lawyer we slipped !?
- He - from shouting lawyers.
So, he should scream.
Because he says ...
Siniora su ...
... Su ... su ... su ...
Siniora su ...
Lawyer! Now I'll help him.
Sorry, it's our business.
The lawyer, you want to say
"Signora madcaps"?
- No!
- "Siniora crazy"?
- No...
- Su ... rdinschiki !?
- Souvenirs?
- No!
Su Su ... ... judges!
We did it! Judges!
You see these two people ...
The lawyer, in short! In short!
They - na ... na ...
Waltz from "La Traviata"!
No...
Pa ... pa-pa-Py with their families!
Talking so much about them ...
... I look forward to the court leniency.
I have finished.
No! No! No!
No leniency for pyromaniac!
If the judges hearts
still hesitant ...
... They will persuade a prosecution witness testimony!
I appeal to the testimony
Emperor of the Eternal City ...
... Claudius Nero!
The very hand of heaven sent here
our friend! Think, we are saved!
- Your name?
- Your Honor!
If this guy starts to transfer to you
all their names, we will end tomorrow!
Claudius Nero!
- Your profession?
- Thief!
Emperor of Rome!
Do you swear to tell the truth,
all the truth...
... And nothing but the truth?
No!
Well, in that case, do not raise
left hand and do not preach the word of the oath.
We continue!
Are you familiar these two persons?
I see them for the first time.
What does "the first time" !?
You have made us the secret agents,
his bodyguards ...
... A servant in the palace, and now
You say that we do not know ?!
Silence!
The two made a statement,
recorded by the Secretary ...
... Claiming that Rome burned,
acting on your command.
I believe this statement
vile slander in my address.
And I recommend to sentence ...
... The most severe -
for these wretched slaves ...
... For the destruction of holy Rome
and a violation of the sacred honor
their sacred emperor!
What does it mean "most severe penalty"?
I know what it means!
Ciccio, the time has come to say goodbye to us with you.
I'll tell you: "Good-bye!".
And I'll tell you: "Fool!
Brainless! Imbecile! Underdeveloped!"
- But why do you call me that?
- How is the "why" !?
You signed our request for a pardon,
simply put a cross there!
- So what?
- How is the "what" !?
And you showed cross Nero?
Do not you know that it
He hates Christians?
It was a foregone conclusion that our request
It was rejected.
- Wasp ...
- Convicted!
- Convicted!
- That's us!
Ah ... We are here!
Convicted!
According to Roman law ...
... I give you two options.
Either you die by beheading ...
... Or go to the arena.
- Ciccio, I hear correctly?
- You heard right!
Excuse me, sir praetorian!
- Are there any lions in the circus?
- Of course there is!
Then please give two tickets!
- Ciccio, where are we?
- In the circus.
But I do not see any conductor,
no orchestra.
Idiot! The same arena Flavia!
Here gladiators fought and died.
- And why are we here?
- Gladiator.
Gladiator !?
Pull yourself together!
- Collect the same!
- Now something in my pants meet.
Ave Caesar!
Going to die salute you!
And my arm hurts!
A good all die!
Well, Nero! Why do you always thrusting it into his mouth?
Felon need something warm.
The doctor recommended that the hot water.
So you had to heat up the water ...
... Just look at me!
You are sentenced to death manicurist?
- Well, of course!
- That's good!
And what will happen now with this poor fellow?
His life is now - on the finger of Caesar.
- You want to say - in his hands?
- No, in his thumb!
Look!
What is his big fork!
Why does Caesar always like that
your thumb?
Because, if he does
thumb like this, then the gladiator
save lives.
So why would he ever do
his finger like this !?
- Because he's - that's that!
- This?
He - cuckold ?!
Sleep you are there, or what?
Most lead the other two!
Hot water - listen to the doctor.
Gladiators, attention!
The couple number two ...
... Get ready to enter the arena!
What kind of system is this !?
Nero lowers thumb -
and you die !?
If only this
It turned a bad dream!
If this is a dream, but now -
it's time to wake up!
Franco! Punched me in the face!
What are you talking, Ciccio ?!
After all the slaps I
there was, I've long
should wake up ...
... And suffer from insomnia!
But I still did not get slapped!
So, I sleep!
- I can wake up from this dream!
- And I?!
- And you will die in the arena ...
- Yet!
One more! Stronger!
Well done!
Well done!
- No, I thought you were a villain.
- It's just a family apart.
- You'll fight with Taurus!
- With Taurus !?
- What the heck is Taurus?
- That's the guy.
No!
And if there was someone you less?
Someone who has all these muscles ...
- Microbe!
- That microbe - is not bad at all!
- Microbe - it's you! Go to battle with Taurus!
- No!
I - the only son!
Forgive, and you will come to the funeral?
Yes! Yes...
The one that fights with Taurus - your friend?
He was very lucky.
You think so?
We start with a greeting!
Good afternoon, sir Taurus!
Have your Lady okay?
A gladiatoriki go to school?
Greet weapon! Like this!
Welcome like this?
Till!
Stay as you are! Stop!
I just found out that the Taurus -
This gladiator who has a conscience!
- Religion forbids him to shed blood.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely!
- And he can not shed blood?
- No! To attack him!
- I will do it!
Come back!
Well, be careful, man!
And I can hurt!
I'm just pretending. And now - come on!
I am now!
To arms!
Defend yourself! Well, to protect!
Does everything right!
If so, and you continue - you will be saved!
What do you mean?
Nero gives amnesty to those who demonstrate
exceptional skills.
Well, I have some very skilled!
I'll try not to hurt you.
Just try it!
Get Fit!
- Wait a minute!
- Come here!
Well, now I show their skills!
But just try it!
Neronchik! Is it so much
finger hurts more?
I do not want to see
this stupid fight!
And felon does not pass!
Here in general have hot water?
It is boiled, the divine.
- Well, attack! Nero looks!
- What am I supposed to do?
As the "what to do" ?! You need an amnesty?
Well, hit me!
- Can?
- Necessary!
- Hurry!
- Well, get ready!
Rise thou!
No, I do not get up!
You'd better sit down!
Ah, got it! Do you want to die, huh?
No, you do not you can!
I was not fooled!
Religion forbids you to shed blood.
It's true! I do not shed blood -
I'm suffocating!
Do not say such horrors!
Yes, I am suffocating! You just suffocate!
Check that there is a finger of Nero.
Pray that your Nero spared.
Follow the rules!
- It hurts.
- Think about Mutsii Scaevola!
Oh, that's enough!
I did not know that the divine
It protects you.
But listen to the board:
Run until he changed his mind!
And who pardoned over there?
You, dear August!
This felon deprived me of reason.
It's been a good seven years,
when was the last time someone
released free.
I hope you have not forgotten the tradition?
He received a pardon from Caesar,
satisfied with the whole holiday.
Let's celebrate!
All - drinks at my expense!
But not too merry!
You have to fight with Spartak.
But then this is just a farce!
Let's all be clear!
I have fought and Nero
I set me free!
I'll find someone who will fight with you.
I will not say the name,
but it's - is it!
If he hints at me ...
I will say that I - Retiarius.
And Spartacus too Retiarius.
How dare you
interrupt our conversation with him ?!
- He's locked?
- Yes Yes!
Spartacus!!! Spartacus!!! Spartacus!!!
What did he say?
Discover!
Choose!
I opt for it - it fresher.
I think my friend did not understand,
that we can not fight the law.
By what law?
- By law, the Constitutional Court ...
- According to the law of divorce.
According to the law for adultery ...
According to the law on the minority.
What are you talking about? you are well
You can fight!
Oh no!
But he did injure.
Those are the rules!
You're finally in my hands!
Just do not lose more than me!
Stop! I'm still with you
I did not understand!
- Stop! Put the silverware!
- What is the silverware?
- Most of the plug!
- What even more plug !?
- No! Look at the big toe of Nero!
- What other finger ?!
But it is!
It is written in the constitution!
You should check the finger of Nero -
he points up or down.
- Look, look!
- If Nero does something wrong ...
... I stirred up all the gladiators of Rome!
- Look, look!
- You check! Check!
See ...
Get up! Come on back!
If you look closely,
you will see that it is slightly swollen.
I see nothing.
You keep it to dip,
while I prepare the water hot.
Claudius Nero!
Would you like to turn your thumb?
- Should I do it?
- There is always someone less fortunate.
If you do so,
it can save the lives of these two men.
- Get up! Get up!
- What happened?
- Rise thou!
- Shut up!
I swear by the goddess Athena,
I will erase them in the dust!
- Come on, stop!
- Hurry! That is - the emergency exit!
to the lions
- Stop!
- What?
- Come here!
- Come on! Trust me!
And do not be afraid of the lions!
- Come on!
- I'm looking for a passage.
This is Petronius.
Do not be afraid of lions - I asked his servants
lock them.
- Well done!
- Follow me! Come quickly!
Go forward! Save yourselves!
The output will see a chariot.
- Use this passage!
- This?
- This!
- Funicular back to the cable car here!
Well, let's go!
Ciccio ...
- Do you think we will be able to be saved?
- Yes! On this chariot.
Whip!
Check to see if anyone chasing.
Attention - pothole!
Oh, and do not care!
It is not our chariot!
Stop the horses!
- How do I stop the horses, fool?
- Brake!
How else brake ?!
There is here no brakes!
It does not matter.
Ciccio, brake!
Ciccio, brake!
Brakes! Stop, brake!
Stupid horse!
Did not we raced into the wall of the villa Seneca?
- What is Seneca?
- Congressman.
The man who threw a party.
That was still a lover of Poppea.
- Seneca - a lover of Poppea !?
- Yes.
You are so clueless,
when awake ...
... But should you go to sleep - and know more
than any historian!
And that, I slept ?!
Seeing what you think
about the ancient Romans ...
... I was convinced that you're awake
and listen to me ...
... And I began to repeat to you, "Satyricon".
How do you not understand,
that our profession ...
... Is the basis of Roman culture !?
Two bucatini for our Caesar!
And one more - for Caligula!
- A ready imperial bombolotti?
- Ready-prepared!
I've got meat cooked
on a rare prescription.
Sergio! This - on the 21st.
And you really stubborn!
You are going to shorten this shirt?
Yes or no?
But why? Is it long?
She's just me on my knees.
In the English style.
Such is the fashion!
- Everything is fine?
- No! Nothing wrong!
We are sitting here for half an hour,
but until now we have not served.
Such customers, like us, who
come here often, it would be necessary
care, even on a Sunday!
On Sundays I stay at home.
I drink a glass of milk, and happy!
I'll go check the kitchen.
- Your finger is better?
- I would like to!
- I was sick all night!
- I'm sorry!
- Sorry!
- He regrets!
- Alfredo!
- You are welcome!
Do not poke the piece of glass in the eye -
it's only me.
I asked you not to entrust him
the table.
Last night, director Brambilla
I fought with Franco and his swollen finger.
He even wanted to, I fired him.
Nobody else was not, but I will correct.
Now someone else served table.
Oh, come on!
You will not believe it, but I could not
get fired this guy.
And then they say that we live
in modern world.
If I lived in the ancient period ...
... I have such a sentence to death!
Now I understand why he
so fond of this place.
He begins to feel yourself here Nero.
He was a very good man,
even a Latin.
I am sure that in Rome of those times ...
... I would even be better than Nero.
Because Brambilla does not tolerate procrastination!
So I came to the restaurant
and I am forced to wait half an hour!
But whether the emperor Brambilla ...
... I would have taken all the waiters and - op-la!
All of the Coliseum! Everyone - the battle!
All - to death!
- All the restaurateurs in Rome to shaking!
- Imperial bombolotti ordered you?
Specially for the emperor!
For Nero!
Come on, Ciccio!
Hold your bus!
Wait a minute!
We should in any case take the bus!
Crazy!
This bus goes to the Colosseum!
THE END
That's your pet - Cassius Ciccio ...
And with it the laggard Fabio Franco ...
Arranging historic mess
Rushes together through all this darkness.
Always together Ciccio and Franco,
Franco and Ciccio!
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
Their enemies with shame runs helter-skelter!
A hero centurion exactly mouse shakes!
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
in film
That's your pet - Cassius Ciccio ...
And with it the laggard Fabio Franco ...
Arranging historic mess
Rushes together through all this darkness.
Inseparable friends, but our clever - Ciccio and Franco!
SATIRIKONISCHE
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
Each enemy is their disgrace in all directions running,
A hero centurion exactly mouse shakes!
The film stars:
Giancarlo BADESSI, Arturo Dominici,
Karin Schubert, Pino Ferrari, Linda BLUE
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
Leonardo Severino, Gigi Reder,
Hugo carbonyl, Ivan Novak,
Renato Montalbano
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
Ignazio Leone, Sam Burke,
Lorenzo TERZON, Britz MONTINARO,
Antonio PIOVANELLI
Without much labor ...
They set fire to the house of the Romans ...
And the glorious Rome of Catullus and Cicero ...
Burns to the last pavilion!
and
Edwige Fenech
in the role of Poppea
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
Yes! Their enemies with shame runs helter-skelter!
Hero-centurion before them, his arm trembling!
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
story, screenplay and dialogues
DZHANVITI Roberto and Dino Verde
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
Here - Cassius, Ciccio and Neronchik.
Fabio Franco became a gladiator ...
He has a sword, and fangs.
But barely lifting his mace -
I made a "bobo" Nero finger!
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
And the enemy of fear is running in all directions!
Hero-centurion before them, his arm trembling!
Oh yeah!
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
In the bath under the cover of night ...
Boils fresh milk ...
Dreaming seize the imperial throne ...
Poppaea seduces naive Franco.
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
And the enemy of their frightened - running in all directions!
Hero-centurion before them, his arm trembling!
producer
Mariano Laurenti
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!
We're going to what is considered
ancient center of our history -
to antiquity.
If this antiquity,
then preserved it well.
It looks newer than biolimpika.
What to think about
that twenty centuries
ago...
... It was a place where they lived
immortal characters!
"Satyricon" of Petronius
"Sa-ti-ri-con" ...
- What is it?
- Artwork Petronius Arbiter.
He ends it very hard.
I end very hard !?
- It turns out, he was forced?
- Satire - always a tense affair!
Much as you still need to learn!
I know! I know you have not read.
- If you want, I can recount.
- No!
Do not say, for God's sake!
Do not tell me anything!
I even tell you it is in Latin:
" Forget! "
Idiot, you just did not accept the accident!
But why do not you love
the ancient Romans?
Because they are held
such a ridiculous fashion!
What heresy? They were very elegant!
Now, if we lived in those days!
We would be the key to Citizenship !
- Hostages?
- The key !
I could take to Trimalhionu.
And you...
Well, somewhere to Lucullus.
Wait a minute! And if I can not be
take to Trimalhionu ...
... And you - to Lucullus?
- What does it matter?
- Has, it has!
You can say whatever you want!
But I believe that the men in skirts -
ridiculous, so it is!
Too much hair! Too much!
You must have them shave, my friend!
Stop! Do not touch my hair!
Instead, make my skirt is longer!
Genuine ?! My skirt ?!
Never! Even if we have to fight!
This guy is ready to fight
for the skirt!
Calm down, sir tailor!
It's all in my hips.
I'm embarrassed to them!
But it is - man to man!
And if I can not even ...
... Put on some pants?
Siniora is - the ancient idea!
Costumes should be strictly
Romanesque!
That's what I say,
Your honor.
Leave this officialdom!
Call me just - "Your Excellency."
What does this idiot?
Leave this "idiot"!
Call me just - "Franco".
- And I - "Ciccio".
- Well, pull yourself together!
The agency did not warn you
about the nature of representation?
As you said in the agency?
What this evening in memory of our prot?g?s ...
... Who appeared
in "Satyricon" Fellini.
Appeared!
I want to air my Villa today
imbued with the spirit of the Roman Empire!
On the air, I can still help.
But what do we do with Satyricon?
- We're just two waiters!
- I know!
But did you not say that tonight
you two slaves ?!
- Two beautiful slaves.
- That this is what we have not told.
Enough! Get ready!
Hail Caesar's Rome!
Viva Lazio Lorenzo!
Now you understand why I
I hate the Romans?
Because they make me
so disgusting!
- And before that, you were not so?
- So!
I want to see you,
not read "Satyricon" ...
... Will serve guests
according to the principles of ancient Rome!
I served three years, three stars
Ancient Rome!
But it was not ancient Rome, and the "old"!
I do not know what a name!
I'm talking about Caesar's Rome!
On the Imperial Rome!
- About Rome guzzle!
- How much longer they can guzzle?
Wines!
Yes, sir!
Sir, I am not worthy!
It's my fault! My fault!
My inexcusable fault!
- Vinamusa!
- Already idumius!
What happened?
- I'm sorry, Senator! I just wanted to ...
- You speak Latin?
What!? For two thousand lire a day
you want to get the waiter's polyglot !?
- Please forgive us, sir!
- I forgive you, but not your friend!
Go! Go, but so that more
vinamusa not shed!
Do you think he really believes
I do not know how to say "goat" in Latin?
- Are you happy, my dear?
- It's magic!
Just perfect!
If Fellini was here,
he would have gone mad.
In my opinion, it is already!
- The famous dinner Trimalhiona!
- Ciccio!
Put the bulb in here!
You have not seen my apple?
Not so much to brag about,
but the eyeball is normal.
That's for disrespect to Mr.!
And this is - because once again made a mistake!
This wine should submit
in the end! This - the precious nectar.
The drink of the gods!
Clear!
- Do you believe in that?
- It must be so!
I would prefer to be sure.
In my opinion, very good!
And in my opinion it is not worthy to file
even in the waiting room at the local train station.
- You think? Once again, I will try.
- I also!
- Wait a second!
- Give me!
- Give it to me! Give!
- No, me! To me!
Maloholnye! you have done
irreparable damage!
Well, do not overreact
for a pair of liters of red wine!
Wines ?!
How dare you call this
coveted nectar wine !?
It was a genuine Palermo wine
57th century BC!
He was two thousand years!
So, all right!
I thought that it was newer.
- Chief! Who would want to rob you so?
- Stupid! Stay in the image!
Here, everything is organized so
to maintain an atmosphere of grandeur.
Trimalhiona, Satyricon, Imperial Rome.
I want to apologize to my guests.
But we did not get to try the taste
Palermo my wine of the 56th year
BC ...
... Confirmed by a certificate.
And those two bastard servant
They will be punished as they deserve it.
- Fifty lashes each!
- Do not worry!
- All of this - part of the presentation.
- Are you sure?
- Of course! All this - the historical reconstruction.
- Ciccio ...
- I do not think that he was faking.
- Pretending, pretending!
Who served at the table?
- Who is the culprit?
- It's not me.
It was not you !?
Was it me !?
Ciccio - that's who the culprit!
- Mother dear!
- Stop!
Catch up with both of them!
Ciccio, do not leave me!
You know - I'm afraid of the dark.
- Calm down!
- Give me a hand!
Give more hand!
- Where are we? In the Congo?
- Yeah - in Alaska!
If you see the lights, it will be saved.
This will mean that a number of the road!
But I do not see any lights!
I am ready to flog yourself!
I was impossible to get under your influence.
This does not impact, but a disappointment!
But listen to me, Ciccio.
Just because I'm listening to you,
we run into it!
I only hope that we do not stumble
at any Cayman.
- What?
- The Caymans!
What do you want to say? Cayman - a crocodile!
From here caimans?
Do not worry, Ciccio!
Do not worry, Ciccio!
The main thing - bring me
of this maze!
Ciccio! I have an idea!
Here, look!
We need to find a way.
If you find the way, there are car ...
And if we find the car, we see and lights!
- Good night!
- Thank you! You too!
- Hey! You that - went to bed?
- You yourself wished me good night!
Hey! Get up on, worms!
Praetorian ROAD
Antique Road? What is going on
this view?
Wait! Let me gather my thoughts.
We waited enough for your convenience.
Rise!
Get up!
You got lost, huh?
We will help you to find your host.
Let us arrange a tour of the home!
- Have a nice trip!
- Consider yourself clever?
- Move! Come on!
- Go away!
In recent years, these slaves
completely unbelted!
And all the fault of Spartacus!
That he has engendered in them bold ideas!
If not for those silly batons ...
... They would have looked like
Caesar on the praetorian guard.
- What has Caesar?
- Shut up, you two!
Keep silent,
as it should be arrested!
I protest! I want to speak
his lawyer!
Slaves is neither lawyers nor judges!
They have only their masters!
And your host can punish
and even kill you!
Thank you!
Praetorian Guard, as always,
very effective.
Thank you!
Thank you for having brought me
my two favorite slaves!
Crass and Dumber.
And you - naitupeyshy!
They can, and full of blockheads,
but brave guys.
Yes, but their landlord ...
... You have to teach them a lesson.
For example, to tear his ears.
At what ear there ?!
I would have bitten off their noses in your place.
- Better - ear, I assure ...
- Nothing!
Why do not you tear
your own?
Well, anything I chop off them!
Hold! You deserve it!
Give pretorians!
Hail Petronius!
- Will you talk, or talk to me?
- I will speak!
I do not need any explanation.
I already know everything!
I was also present at yesterday's feast.
You were there? But that was a party
our age!
Of course! At what time,
you think you are?
I was at the feast, and I know who you are.
I sent the Praetorian save you.
If you dragged to Seneca,
you would have paid dearly ...
... For wine, which you overthrew.
Still would! Such an awesome wine
Palermo 56th year before Christ!
Well, what did I tell you?
In fact, it was an ordinary wine
fourth-fifth year after
Nativity of Christ.
- We'll see you at the table ...
- Like I do!
You're now both - my slaves!
- You - the slaves of Petronius Arbiter!
- The one that "Satyricon" !?
What do you know about my "Satyricon"?
I did it not even write!
And do not write! Such headache
Fellini asked you!
I have to go now!
I meet with my friend Nero.
Come also to Franco Nero, and will
pray for his mercy!
The Emperor is waiting for me!
And Nero jokes does not like!
Praise him!
Hail!
It's all your fault!
The whole story of ancient Rome!
My head is about to explode!
What a delusion!
Wherever I went - everywhere I see
alone ancient Rome!
You're wrong!
And I - was not crazy!
The same thing happened to me!
- There must be another explanation.
- What?
If I told you you would not believe.
- We were in ancient Rome!
- Well, of course I do not believe you!
But this is so!
We made a time leap
value of twenty centuries!
- But how is that possible?
- How was I to know something?
Did you not drags itself
It is a great adventure ...
... To be in ancient Rome ?!
In imperial Rome!
But why should I care about
some imperial Rome !?
We were the waiters -
waiters and left!
Worse - slaves,
in which not even the union!
Yes, but now we have
very influential chief - Petronius Arbiter!
And with a guy like this Petronius,
in front of us opened many roads!
ROME
15 kilometers
With the boss,
Petronius like this ...
... In front of us - many roads?
You were right, Ciccio!
Do not act like a woman!
You're still a Roman slave!
So what?!
Faster! I am already late!
We can not go faster,
than fifty paces in an hour!
Do not worry! Roman
Praetorian Police - my friends!
But what happened?
Something to me is not good!
It feels like I'm going to fall!
I tend to side!
Ciccio! Ciccio ...
Hold on! Hold on!
Stop!
Well, what !? Why stop?
We broke a left office.
But I'll fix it immediately!
Come on, get up!
Install spare servant!
I can not do it anymore!
Come on! The emperor must not wait!
Go ahead!
Ciccio! Pochini my left foot!
The Senate and the Roman People
Stop! Do not you see,
that is legion?
Well, not so brave the legion!
And here we drag something very heavy!
Dr. Petronius!
Sorry!
I have a small flow rate,
but we have been too many kilometers.
And after such a road, when we
will be fed?
I - in the afternoon!
After Nero loves punctuality!
And what about you - I do not know.
Hey you!
Parked next to the gate is prohibited.
Whether or not you see the sign?
Sumptuously! What do we do?
Is there no parking
for government officials?
In Rome, there is only one
a government official - Nero!
Excuse me, sir praetorian,
but where are we going to park !?
Do as the others!
Walk around the Imperial Palace,
until your landlord will not return!
- You can tell me?
- No! Go!
- And what "please"?
- Go!
- See how they go!
- You say that to me?
Hey there! Let strode back.
IMPERIAL WORKSHOP
payment for repairs
Wine from raisins
- What are you going next?
- Wash and pour!
But whose is it?
- It is important to the most important!
- It belongs to Petronius Arbiter.
- Will be done!
- Everything should be ready in an hour!
- And here we go for a walk around.
- Yes!
- Hey, wait! A contact that?
- Go and recharge yourself!
You will have to wait Petronius, so -
it's time to do it!
Oh, you see! What a beauty!
Ciccio, I need to eat something!
Though something to throw in the stomach!
IN PALACE Nero
- And if not - I'll fall!
- Yes it is clear!
I can not take it anymore!
- Hey! Hey...
- What?
Here you can go to the Emperor's chambers.
I would like to examine them.
And in the imperial chambers are the kitchen?
- Well, of course!
- Finally, we eat! I am so hungry!
I understand! Idemus!
- And what does it mean?
- Come on, ignorant!
Oh, well, of course! Sorry!
Two chariots were to arrive
milk ass ...
... Bath Divine Poppea!
Okay, I'm coming! I'm going!
All is ready! He falls
after the first piece!
And you become the Emperor!
Sumptuously!
- I - the emperor!
- Yes, you!
Hail, Caesar!
Finally, I had the opportunity to
see this guy - Caesar!
Of course! It really was him - Nero!
What is more, Nero ?! It was Tse-zar!
It was Nero.
Nero also called Caesar.
Ah, I see! Caesar - his name,
and Nero - name!
Caesar Nero!
How can I make you,
my culture, something !?
How do I stay in the company
such troglodyte like you ?!
- But ...
- Shut up! Do not spoil this moment!
Can not you feel here
aroma centuries ?!
The smell of Roman civilization!
Roman splendor!
Roman dishes!
Ciccio, can you hear me?
It's Roman dishes !
And the smell comes from the other side!
Idemus!
Ciccio, a smell!
I have not seen so much food as much as the wedding
Aunt Konchetiny!
Ah, there is even polenta!
Who cares about your polenta ?!
There's beef, eggs, chicken ...
... Apples and salad!
Wait a second!
- What are you looking for?
- Silver plate.
What more silverware ?!
Great Roman civilization
I did not know of silverware.
- Everything here is eaten with the fingers.
- Yes?!
Forgive me, my dear chicken!
Now I'll bite on you!
Place on a platter!
I did not put! We'll eat it!
I mean,
put in place food, wretch!
You teach the codes from infection
the imperial food!
Guards!
Stay calm!
Good day, The fifth !
- The fifth arrived.
- No, he came first - I've seen!
They were forbidden to even catch a glimpse
the imperial food!
- The death of the perpetrators of such blasphemy!
- Like this!
One wait a second!
Let us not take
hasty decisions!
It's just a misunderstanding!
We are here to take food
and deliver it to the emperor.
That's right, sir praetorian!
We are here to pick up the food ...
... And take it
Signor Nero Caesar.
Caesar now just meets
with our host. With Petronius!
With the referee!
If you are going to spend so
Nowadays, we'll be late!
And if we are late, Petronius
It would be furious.
And if Petronius would be furious ...
Then he ... chik-chik!
- Prune!
- Yes!
What are you waiting for then ?!
Well, go!
Perform these two slaves
in the House of Caesar!
That is a wise decision!
So you think, Petronius ...
... That I should appoint retired
veterans?
Of course, the divine!
Almost none of those old soldiers
already dead, no.
A pension always has an effect
our defenders.
Of course, not my fault that all these warriors
already were dead!
Stop laughing!
But still the question remains,
where can I get them money in retirement?
Raise the price of hay ten coins.
Yes, but then the owners of hay
They will be upset.
For two years I three times
He raised the price.
Yes it's true. But, as before,
you can say that this only a temporary measure.
What are you sly fox, Petronius!
I will do as you say.
In this house we will have to feed?
- On knees! Homage to Caesar!
- Yes!
That, he said, to put it
Caesar on his knees?
No, he says, that we have to get up on his knees,
to show respect for Caesar.
Serve the Emperor!
Ah, yes ...
So, hold on! Hold on! Hold on!
Hold! Hold!
Wait! Wait!
Give me! Where are you?
So ... Yes!
Sorry!
Ave Caesar!
Eggs Caesar!
- First Emperor.
- Are not you the emperor?
Caesar Nero!
- No!
- How is "no" !?
Well - I heard? He simply Caesar,
and any not Nero!
And I tell you that if someone
called Caesar, he means - and Nero!
But I have no one called Caesar.
Like this one? I myself have heard!
You were with him - with this guy.
It's impossible! It's Guy!
Well, what do gay?
And then, if he called you Caesar,
it must be part of the family!
I would like to say that Guy - my servant.
He could not be mistaken!
In this case, he did it on purpose!
I think that my favorite brother ...
... I called himself
Imperial name "Caesar"!
How could you think ...?
... Of this heinous act,
divine!?
Beaujolais is not! There is only an egg.
But I ... Did not I - that,
who serves you better than any slaves?
- Thank Nero!
- Thank Nero !!!
Thank Nero!
Already getting cold! Eat first, you!
Eat!
For I have eaten forward Emperor !
Never!
You! Eat when you are!
Come on, Gay Guy! Eat time it offers!
Well, if nobody wants it I'll eat!
Oh no! This divine honor
It should be given to me!
Eat! That's an order!
I obey!
I will eat!
Let chew will be very difficult!
Unable to digest!
Cyanide!
Franco, cold wafted. Close the window!
What are you annoying?
Ciccio! No this is not a cold wind!
This hot wind!
Moreover - it is very very hot!
Ciccio!
Good day, little birds!
"Birdie" - which means "little girls."
What beautiful birds!
You do not want to poporhat us together?
The two of you saved my life and
You deserve hugs.
Yes, but the bird, not a cock!
Friends! Emperor decided
show you my Divine gratitude.
Rome is experiencing difficult days.
And life is exposed to Caesar
constant attempts to murder.
In these difficult times I need
two people like you ...
... For my secret assignments.
We would be very glad ...
... But you can not hire us
part-time work the secret service?
Half of the working day
We have finally made happy.
And the birds!
What are you thinking about!?
We are secret agents of the Emperor!
We will become part of the most influential
spy organization ...
... In the history of mankind!
TS.I.B.A.R.
- What does "TS.I.B.A.R."?
- Tsezarskoe Italian Bureau Antique Romans.
This is a cover-up.
We have to hide
true our activities ...
... Under the name of the trading company.
To cover it pretty bare!
Ave Caesar!
And may the gods keep you!
It - Tidzhelino, head of the department of spyware.
Brought to you two new agents.
Tidzhelino! May the gods keep you!
- You two seem to me a damn ...
- Thank you!
He thinks we're attractive!
- ... Damn ridiculous!
- Nerd! But thanks anyway!
But are you sure, divine,
These two deserve to be secret agents?
They have already shown me
their capabilities.
Only through these two foxes ...
... I did not die from the poison
my brother, the traitor!
Practice them!
I have great confidence
to their skills.
So far, Nero!
It seems that Caesar entrusts you
high expectations, guys.
I now I will build you a few tests.
Rome is filled with a variety of rebels.
Did any of these wicked
always hanging around the squares.
I need to find the main troublemakers.
But above all, I will tell you ...
... How to recognize TS.I.B.A.R. agents
If someone will stand in front of you ...
... And suddenly hit ...
...like this...
It is he! So familiar ...
... It shows you what is secret agent.
It turns out, the man who
He caught me with his wife hotel in Catania ...
- ... Also consisted TS.I.B.A.R.?
- Shut up!
After that...
... So that he could find in you his,
immediately after receiving slaps ...
... That such ...
... You have to answer:
"Thank you my friend!".
This - our standard password-review.
OK, let's try!
Come on, hit him! Forward!
- Who am I?!
- Yes!
- Thank you my friend!
- You are welcome! No problems!
Well, now ...
- Sorry to interrupt, sir Tidzhelino ...
- Yes?
But how much is now undercover agents in Rome?
-Three hundred.
-What?
And what if I meet
all three hundred at once ...
... Then I can not identify
because of such a swollen face!
Nonsense! Nonsense!
And now you must
to go on a mission! Immediately!
- Can?
- Yes! Yes...
Mingle with the crowd.
Listen!
Watch out!
And report on each,
Who says bad about our Caesar!
Do not doubt! I will hold
his eyes wide open!
And I'll keep an eye on everyone!
- Thank you my friend!
- You are welcome! No problems!
Clothes yourself you can pick up here.
The first rule of a secret agent -
merged with others to go unnoticed!
Explain why you chose
helmet with horns?
This barbarous disguise
opens us access anywhere!
Do not forget that the Romans show
a deep respect for the Barbarians.
Barbarians!
- Barbara !!!
- Ill-mannered children!
- Ciccio, they are crazy!
- They're just too old!
Let's hide inside
in order to avoid accidents!
TAVERN Trimalhiona
there-there-there
Two Pop us, please!
What is it?
Pops gas.
These are they who hiss in your hand.
Pasta us, like Messalina!
- And what's that?
- It's such a slut.
Innkeeper damn!
Excuse me, I am now!
I chattering too much with the customers.
How can you order something
in this institution?
- Innkeeper damn!
- Now I go up!
- Please wait a moment, sir
- Boniface us fucking!
Sorry!
For you - sir innkeeper!
I do not pal barbarians!
Well, Signor innkeeper.
Bring us a savory pasta,
little shrimp with squid ...
... And half goat,
baked in the oven.
- And fuck you do not need?
- No, I'd like spinach.
No, I say that a horse-radish you do not bring
from what you ordered!
For you, the barbarians,
there is a special tourist menu!
Do you want to - well! And do not want to -
so away from my dives!
- Calm!
- What is more calm?
Where is the toilet here?
- For you - not at all!
- Well, I will endure.
Good! Bring us
This tourist menu.
- And I - a little more!
- A little more, huh?
Classic offerings
for the ruling emperor.
Sweetened milk!
Gentle as baklava!
And the taste, like baklava.
Exquisitely as baklava!
Sweet as baklava!
Well, why are you not eating?
I do not like baklava.
Souvenirs straight from Rome!
In memory of Rome!
Grapes from our gold fields!
Jewelry Cornelia
just one sestertius!
Jewelry Cornelia!
In just one sestertius!
I want two!
Give him sesterces!
And what is it?
Cornelius called his sons
precious. Well - Gracchi.
Ciccio, you're talking about more Rackham?
I do not need it!
- Give me a better card.
- What ?
Nothing! This sort of thing in those places,
where we live.
Something barbaric.
I bet he does not even have
lottery tickets, "Sports Lottery".
Another barbaric figovina.
And what this redneck
still nothing here to go ?
Jewelry Cornelia!
Yes, two dozen.
The hostess got your message.
Where the two barbarian?
Good! Stick
the previous plan.
Drinks from the institution - especially for you.
This sambuca.
But I'd like Spanish fly!
- But it is a real fly!
- You said that you want.
- And they still call us barbarians!
- Come on! Do not be rude!
- Tink-Tink!
- Tink-Tink!
It barbarians?
I could not find a bigger?
Two uncivilized ...
... Primitive, limited!
Look, the hostess,
how a child sleeps this, a little!
You take care of the high.
I'll second.
Come on!
Franco! Window!
Barbarian! Varvarunchik!
Varvarunishko!
My varvarunchik!
Ostgotik!
Oh, ostrogotka!
No, better!
Holy Madonna! Who you are?
You men are the same!
First to praise, to take possession of us ...
... And then ask: "Who are you?".
Do not get me wrong, you're prehistoric mine!
Remind me your name.
Call me "beloved" - you allowed
after what happened between us.
What? What's so wrong with us?
All...
All!? No!
Well yes!
If I tell you, you gotta believe!
And as I have behaved?
As a barbarian!
Thank all the gods of Olympus!
These words make me feel
distraught Ciccio!
You mean "distraught Achilles"?
Believe me - in this case ...
Ciccio ... much better than Achilles!
I just do not understand one ...
How could it happen,
I forgot about everything ... ?!
Come here! Tell me everything,
What happened between us!
I'm sorry, but if the student can not
something to remember him always say again!
- Come on repeat our lesson!
- No!
Come here! Do not leave me!
Do not act like an inexperienced kitten!
Come here!
Even if you are looking for excuses,
the transaction is a deal!
- What other deal?
- Our!
- You promised to kill my husband.
- I And when?
Today! So far, we are with you love.
But this is impossible!
I never concluded deals the murder of her husband!
Besides, I do not remember anything!
It is sad! But you swore
in the presence of witnesses ...
... Which left me
written statement.
Evidence of this kind
It has a very weighty importance.
Because in Rome ...
... The one who lied about writing
binding commitments,
waiting for death!
But when navresh
in the tax returns ...
... Such a punishment is not quite typical.
I do not know what you mean, a barbarian.
But it will be so, as I tell you!
Either your friend is going to kill my husband's mistress ...
... He promised ...
... Or, in accordance with our laws,
kill you ...
... At Caesar's orders.
- But I have something to do with it?
- Ciccio!
- Ciccio, you have no idea what I've done!
- I know everything!
- Hell of Nero!
- No! Damn you!
- And you do not even cover up your hair?
- She's going to cover the hair, yes!
As soon as it becomes a widow -
necessarily povyazhet handkerchief, as it should be!
- I mean - put on your hat!
- Oh, okay.
Now the two of you have nowhere to retreat!
Come to Osteria Trimalchio tomorrow
at five o'clock.
Some people will tell you my husband.
And remember, too, that I'll be there!
Try to develop
a good plan for death!
to perform the work, death!
And it's - the wife of Nero!
Ciccio, she insults!
So, it turns out
He's going to kill ...
... Tomorrow at five, right?
Yes, Tidzhelino. It's like that,
as I told you.
Poppaea hired two thugs
something resembling the barbarians.
Yes, I understand.
But one thing I can not comprehend,
my brave Act.
How can they lead the Emperor Nero
in some tavern?
Easier to nowhere!
In Rome, everyone knows that Nero
He has a habit of singing.
Poppaea organized in Trimalchio
musical competition.
Oh good!
We will not say anything to the emperor,
that it is not alarmed.
Tomorrow we catch the two thugs ...
... And get them talking!
Here it is, the thing that will make me
Minister of the Interior!
Go!
Well done!
If you hear my thoughts!
It is in these suits ...
... You go at five o'clock in the tavern ...
... There and grab the two thugs,
who plan to kill Nero.
- Ciccio, but tomorrow we have five ...
- What?
Do you want to disobey the order?
Apparently, you do not know what I,
In this case, you gave!
Well, I gave you?
- I - something non-alcoholic.
- Whiskey! From wine, I'm tired.
I gave you the sentence of hanging ...
... If you do not fall through the conspiracy
to kill the divine Caesar!
And other options, I suggest you do not!
The slightest mistake will cost you
lowered the skins!
We obloposhimus!
- Which means ...
- Now I know what you mean!
We are cursed, Ciccio!
Mom, look!
If you want to take Poppaea
milk bath, she gets it!
Damn it!
It is not milk, but the principles!
People laugh!
- They call you "dairy maid".
- Shut up, old egeyka!
Who you calling old ? egeykoy
- I think that you.
- And you let her mother call egeykoy old.
It is true!
Poppaea, take it back!
I do not even think about it!
Well, at least some of them!
Oh well! I'm sorry, egeyka!
The old woman - it's too hard.
After all, you can not even take
milk baths ...
... Because of your sour flesh
milk turns to yogurt.
Look, son, in what state
you bring the Imperial Rome!
Empire in grasping fingers girls
with mental problems!
- Come on, Mom!
- No!
Emperors shed blood
their fathers ...
... So that you poured the milk ?!
Answer me!
Enough! You bore me!
And anyway, I've got to learn a song!
Tomorrow I will take part in the festival
new voices.
Oh, Caesar! You - a traitor not only,
as a son, but as a singer!
The first song dedicate to mum
before the girl to dedicate it to her!
Otherwise, you disappoint me!
Well, Nero! I'm leaving!
But remember ...
... You have only one mother!
And it is - right!
What a hypocritical in-law!
Why not sentence her to death?
Well, let's go, Neronchik! Can you help me.
- What is it? Talcum powder?
- No, it's - milk powder.
Another one of your fantasies!
What? You do not like that your wife
woven with milk and honey?
Yes of course! But my mother right -
we need to start saving a little.
Let us show the people that the empress -
not so incredible spender.
Slave!
Save this milk
for tomorrow's bath!
Hey you! Come over here and blow the milk!
What is it, darling rabynyushka?
I said that you should pick up milk.
- All!?
- All! Such is the order of Caesar.
What a strange way to breakfast!
The court manners!
But I do not like to drink milk alone!
Wait a minute!
Stand! Caesar Order!
Add coffee - get
beautiful cappuccino!
Well done! Well done!
Stop!
Caesar Order!
Ciccio, and the Romans settled down well!
Muffins, bagels, croissants!
Hurry, while I did not eat!
Let's see if there is enough sugar.
- Excellent, Seneca! I need you!
- If your business is difficult, divine Caesar ...
... You just had to call
my house into the street Appia
under number 31-31.
When I need advice,
I'm calling - at number 31-31.
And what is the problem of the divine?
Women of my house! Agrippina and Poppaea.
They knock me out,
strangle me!
Enlighten me, Seneca.
People kill me - a wife or a mother?
Wife - no! It would be
completely useless step.
The imperial court and the already says
about your divorce.
Yes I know! But also
We talked about Romulus.
We just need a bit of luck ...
I decided!
- I think I'll kill your mother!
- No, Caesar!
Remember that the Romans - the nation
mama's boy!
- You can not even touch my mother!
- But Agrippina - Tigress!
Even the mother of Tigers -
always a mother!
And how are you going to kill my son?
I heard that he was going
sing in the tavern.
I know that Nero - a bad singer,
but I do not think it will kill for it.
My favorite and my lord Agrippina!
Today, Rome - a place for adventurers.
It is full of dense people
that for a couple of sesterces ...
... Ready for anything.
Of course, but it should be
close people.
I have any.
You just have to pay.
- Two hundred sesterces ...
- It's too much!
Last year, when I wanted
Tidzhelino kill, they took me to all
Eighty sesterces.
I know, but this inflation ...
- ... Increases the price for killing.
- Hold!
If all goes well, I'll know,
how to thank you enough.
Hmm, man! In Caesar's Rome
thugs - it is the same profession,
like any other.
If you promised to kill
husband of this woman, we should do it!
Remember, as they say:
"Death - you, me - life" .
Yes, but do you remember the other ...
... "Just think about yourself -
will live to be a hundred! ".
Yes, I know ... But the matron
It keeps us by the throat.
- Devil's matron!
- Wait a minute!
I enlightenment!
- Oh, there's that light bulb?
- No, I meant the idea!
As soon as the barbarians,
who must kill Nero ...
- We will arrest them.
- No!
We will persuade them to kill the husband of the hostess,
rather than Nero.
Nero will be saved, matron happy,
and we - we can go!
- We can go!
- Yes, as you sit down, imbecile!
Check-ka Tidzhelino! He changed
waiter and pretends that we do not know.
I can see!
Signor Tidzhelino!
Greetings!
What he beats me,
if I already knew ?
Listen to me, you moron!
You do not know me!
I work here as a waiter, and you
We came to the festival!
- Clear?
- More clearly not the case, Signor Tidzhelino.
- Yes! Do not! Do not!
- Do you understand?
I got it!
Thank you! Yes!
Two pitchers of red wine
the second table!
FESTIVAL OF NEW VOTES
Here Claudius!
- Claudio Villa ?! It is here, too ?!
- No! This Claudius Nero.
Oh, thank God!
Judges and sudeyshi! Good evening everyone!
Among mortals,
I came here to show
their voices ...
... That will be evaluated
at the festival...
... Tonight we have
Only a true artist.
But this is the one you love the most!
With his incredible voice ...
... Along with his
unsurpassed technique of playing ...
... Just for you - Nero!
Let him go where he came from!
No need to torture our ears!
Do not even try to escape!
Tavern surrounded!
Wait a minute away!
Wait a minute! Be patient,
judges and sudeyshi!
As soon take its place
members of the jury ...
... Sun-August will begin to sing!
Sing, sing!
Did not Nero had to sing?
And then some sun in August!
Sun-August - is Nero!
His name is also Augustus?
How much he names?
Guys! The liver and small brain!
Good! I - liver Venetian ...
... And a little brain
with zucchini.
No, you idiot! This is not the menu!
Instead, you have to liver
use their brains!
- So, it's - State messenger?
- Yes!
And you quietly endure it,
what's going on here?
- And unless you do not "eaten" all this ?!
- No!
Is that if we radish salad with ...
Salad ... and Latin, and fresh dill.
- Today, you will not be anything there!
- We will not?
You will kill!
The man with a lyre - your goal.
- That Signor with red hair?
- Yes!
- Are you joking?! This is Nero!
- Clever!
Good luck!
Ciccio ... You knew who was the matron?
She - the Empress!
And you understand the tragedy of our situation?
We are - thugs Poppea!
I had hoped to persuade the barbarians ...
... To kill her husband matron Nero instead.
And now we let them
do it ...
... And arrest; so it will remain satisfied
and Poppaea, and Tidzhelino.
Idiot! Barbara, who must kill Nero -
it's us!
- So we have to arrest you?
- As secret agents - yes!
Oh, Ciccio!
I will act,
in the opera "Cavalleria Rusticana"!
Come, come, there is nothing we do!
You two! Where we are going?
Well ... It's too hot.
- We went to change clothes!
- Well, just quickly!
Take off your clothes and put on a uniform.
It will be much easier.
And it really would be easier to escape.
It must be our people, from TS.I.B.A.R.
- But he did not slapped me across the face.
- So thank God for it.
Whistle ?! Why whistles this yokel?
It's not against you, oh divine!
Look - the judge put you
the highest scores!
And you are showing that!
But I'm not even sing!
I just set up his lyre.
I fulfilled your instructions,
holy Poppaea.
Two barbarian will do the rest.
- I somehow do not see them.
- There, in the tavern, too crowded.
- I talked to them a moment ago.
- I am sure that they will not deceive us?
Absolutely - no!
They may pretend
assassins ...
... Thugs, even - Praetorians.
But they never outsmart me!
Why do we have to go back inside?
We're already dressed!
Do not you understand ?!
Praetorian place - next to Nero!
Sing, Nero!
Sing, Nero !!! Sing, Nero !!!
Howl, Tr?sor! Howl, Tr?sor!
Cretin! They shout "sing Nero"
and do not ask howl of a Trezor!
Since the scepter in my hands ...
I was sitting in my bedroom all day long ...
And I think of all Sent by
killers-mercenaries ...
Although being a Roman ...
... Emperor of the great ...
... Three things must take care.
Three only love
You should worry about me.
Only Rome, the people ...
Yes ... a mother.
- Sing!
- Shut up!
- And what he does not sing?
- It prevents you go to the next verse!
I tell you - once called him "sing"
so let me sing!
It's true, a lot of people talking.
And it is true that the terms of some spies ...
And they want to burn Rome cruel ...
But being a Roman ...
... They were brave emperor ...
... Three things I need to take care of.
Three only love
You should worry about me.
It - Rome, people ...
Yes ... a mother.
- And who gave you a uniform?
- Two barbarians.
Damn you! Thugs-barbarians -
here they are!
Ah, I see! Feels Tidzhelino hand!
Get out, you two! You too!
Oh, gracious Agrippina!
The plot failed.
But do not despair!
Watch your son numbered.
In Rome today runs a call ...
"Claudius Nero!
Three only love
You should worry about me.
Mere Rome, the people ...
... And her own mother!
Oh yeah! It's incredible, divine!
Perfectly!
- Sing!
- Still, Sir!
Sing to us, Nero!
We ask you - sing!
Sing, Nero! Sing!
Sing away! Well, sing!
Ciccio, you're kind of saying that it is we
barbarians were those who have
kill Nero.
And who then those two?
The two - those guys who we kill,
if they persuaded him to sing again.
Friends!
At the request of the lowest
these two underdeveloped ...
... I'll sing "Holy Madeira!"
For that you have condemned this ?!
Well, what are you waiting for ?!
We do not know anyone here. We are here
to watch the performance.
- You - two idiots!
- That's what we know so well!
Come on! Arrest barbarians!
Nero Rescue!
Italians! Do not behave,
as wild barbarians!
I said - to arrest those barbarians!
- Arrest them!
- Stop!
What are you doing?!
You all have gone mad!
Tidzhelino says that we must
arrest barbarians.
But Nero, we must save!
What to do first?
First of all we must
think of Franco and Ciccio!
Rushed and Nero, and Tidzhelino,
and look, hiding for their own goals!
Faster! Under the table!
Let's hide here!
You have to calm them down,
so that I can sing!
Oh, no, divine!
It will not have much success
in such a mess.
Your barbarians were crazy, Poppaea.
Singing your husband deprived of their mind.
It's my fault. I should not have
trust barbarians such a thing.
- But then ... all is lost?
- Not yet.
There is always one ...
- Honor?
- No!
The escape!
Marcus Tullius, I'm afraid!
Do not be afraid! Here, we are safe.
Now everything is clear, shameless.
- You want to kill my son.
- And you wanted to kill my husband.
Emperor!
- You even found a helper.
- Yes.
Yes it is.
But something my younger!
This table is not available
Oh, my children! You're always going to have a number,
When danger looms over me!
With the two of you, I could
to go right up to the edge of the world!
But first, let's
We get out of here somehow.
Of course! Together with the table!
Busy! Next stop
this stage - at the nearest exit!
We stole the table!
That's the way! There certainly
there is a secret passage!
- Fast! Help me!
- Your Majesty!
- I am the first!
- I also!
I also have to go through!
- You found the passage?
- No, I found a wall
And so I cracked on her head against!
- Ciccio not push me!
- It's not me! It's August.
Stop pushing!
What do you blame everything on Augusto ?!
Throughout the Roman Empire
there is only one such an ass!
And this - the emperor's ass!
My mum?! My wife?!
... My Perceptor and some other centurion,
I can not recognize.
What the hell are you doing here !?
Do you want to know the sacred Caesar?
They weave plots against your
sacred person.
No way, damn!
1000
00:57:17,756 --> 00:57:20,178
Death to them !!! Death!!!
Signor Tidzhelino, so you
the maintenance of order in Rome?
What happened to our people?
Do not worry you ...
It's only a few lunatics.
But at the time, like your people
not even water, is your wife
bathe in champagne!
Well, let them also bathe in champagne,
once they do not have water!
It is not an excuse for those
who do not want to wash!
- Dirt!
- Death to you, murderer!
What are they shouting?
The death of the murderer!
Then I heard correctly.
Tidzhelino, you hide the truth from me!
It's not just crazy?
Agrippina was dead. You can not
bring it back to life, is not it?
Oh no.
But I feel the smell of rebellion!
I think there is only one way
calm them down.
My lyre!
Death to you !!!
The death of you, a killer !!!
The citizens of Rome ...
Oh well! You asked for it themselves!
Then do not complain!
- Call my secret agents!
- Yes...
Secret agents - to the emperor!
Fast! Fast!
The good life at Nero - woman,
yes the champagne!
My favorite!
You are willing to risk their lives
for the sake of the emperor?
- No!
- How is "no"?
- Who said "no"? You said "no"?
- Yes!
You see - "Yes," he says.
We are ready!
Nero decided to issue a decree
the punishment of our Rome.
Punishment our Rome !?
Petronius, but the referee, after all, thank you!
I have decided to destroy this city ...
... For what it has become
the crowd pacifiers.
Here ...
Burn Rome!
Dilute the sacred fire!
What are you doing !? brainless
Nero had in mind that you need to burn it,
as a symbol of Rome, but all the Romans.
Well, bad! Do you think the Romans
so just allow them to burn?
Two hundred and forty-two ...
- Come on!
- Two hundred and forty-three ...
Could you imagine,
that a guy like me, who
I wanted to be an accountant ...
... Finish in ancient Rome
for such a pastime !?
Rab, spy and pyromaniac!
lowered the skins!
Do not you realize that by doing this,
we become part of history?
I think we will be a part of the chaos!
- Well, now that we have, then we do it!
- Come on!
You can not even light a fire ?!
Give it to me!
- Who is it?
- Look - look!
The Statue of Liberty!
Let's ask a favor
this noble lady.
Excuse me, signora!
Should not we lend a spark?
Why not? With you one hundred sesterces.
What kind of light such
which is worth a hundred sesterces ?!
You represent and,
a petrol I can be!
Sorry!
Ciccio ...
I think this is a very powerful flame.
- And what do we do?
- Pay her!
Oh well.
Here ...
Well, that's you. Hundred!
I'll take your torch!
It is so expensive,
that is to lighten the whole city!
- And how do we burn the city with this?
- We need some more gasoline.
I do not think you will manage
find gasoline in ancient Rome.
After seven in the evening and you are in the modern Rome
it will not find.
Hey, look - there is a road.
Surely there are a merchant gasoline.
- Do you want to try?
- Where?
Right in this place?
Merchant 64th gasoline ?!
There was methane! With my own eyes
I saw the merchant.
I can not believe I am traveling
by ancient Rome it is with you
Come on!
she-wolf
dual power
- What did I tell you?
- But it's the hay!
And from him will be a great fire,
if only it was dry!
Forgive us! It is dry?
Dry-dry! You - just right!
Now fill the bag!
You fill it,
and I will fill the next.
Like this...
SUPER hay
Well, well ... You ...
And this is - I ... Yes, I am!
So! So!
- Enough!
- How much to us?
Eight and another third of a kilo ...
It will 320 sesterces.
But yesterday the price was
seven sesterces per kilogram.
What you do not know?
The government raised the rate of sesterces
because of Poppea.
Hey, I go! Fuck!
This is our fire!
And I thought it was a fire from the ground.
Get out, tramp!
- Who was that?
- Deity wishing to provide fire the city.
Ah, got it! Deity named Gorgaz?
- We're going to bring this city the fire?
- Consign it to the flames!
Come on, come on! We need more hay!
Come on!
Ciccio, easier with hay!
We left in the tanks have no grass!
I want to know...
... What idiots on fire
the city of Rome!
They are here! It was them!
- Do you hear?
- Yes!
- Once suppose - so it is !
- And what does it mean?
- Come on!
- Run!
Ciccio!
- What do we do if we get caught?
- We'll see.
We will resort to the law Mindjov!
What the law Mindjov !?
It is something like a law Meng!
Menga ?!
Started trial of two slaves -
Blunt and Dumber ...
... Accused in the tradition of the fire of Rome ...
... The burning of several houses ...
... Including - belonging to the judges.
Even the judges have not escaped the fire.
Who are we now save?
Petronius! He hired us
the best lawyer in Rome!
- And who is he?
- Cicero.
It is he? Tell him something!
Signor lawyer Cicero! Lawyer.
We are defendants.
Prosecutor - please!
Rome was set on fire!
Out of these here!
On the accused persons
imposed stigma ...
... The most incorrigible criminals.
The lawyer, did you hear that?
Tell me something!
All is well!
Behind these faces
hiding two good man.
- Judge, I object!
- Not now! About the first sentence!
But no kidding, no experience
can not be above the law!
That's why I'm asking
the maximum punishment!
A fine of a thousand sesterces!
The ban on visiting all
local eateries!
And death by beheading!
Silence! Silence!
I call on the defendants.
Thank you, Judge!
- What is a lawyer we slipped !?
- He - from shouting lawyers.
So, he should scream.
Because he says ...
Siniora su ...
... Su ... su ... su ...
Siniora su ...
Lawyer! Now I'll help him.
Sorry, it's our business.
The lawyer, you want to say
"Signora madcaps"?
- No!
- "Siniora crazy"?
- No...
- Su ... rdinschiki !?
- Souvenirs?
- No!
Su Su ... ... judges!
We did it! Judges!
You see these two people ...
The lawyer, in short! In short!
They - na ... na ...
Waltz from "La Traviata"!
No...
Pa ... pa-pa-Py with their families!
Talking so much about them ...
... I look forward to the court leniency.
I have finished.
No! No! No!
No leniency for pyromaniac!
If the judges hearts
still hesitant ...
... They will persuade a prosecution witness testimony!
I appeal to the testimony
Emperor of the Eternal City ...
... Claudius Nero!
The very hand of heaven sent here
our friend! Think, we are saved!
- Your name?
- Your Honor!
If this guy starts to transfer to you
all their names, we will end tomorrow!
Claudius Nero!
- Your profession?
- Thief!
Emperor of Rome!
Do you swear to tell the truth,
all the truth...
... And nothing but the truth?
No!
Well, in that case, do not raise
left hand and do not preach the word of the oath.
We continue!
Are you familiar these two persons?
I see them for the first time.
What does "the first time" !?
You have made us the secret agents,
his bodyguards ...
... A servant in the palace, and now
You say that we do not know ?!
Silence!
The two made a statement,
recorded by the Secretary ...
... Claiming that Rome burned,
acting on your command.
I believe this statement
vile slander in my address.
And I recommend to sentence ...
... The most severe -
for these wretched slaves ...
... For the destruction of holy Rome
and a violation of the sacred honor
their sacred emperor!
What does it mean "most severe penalty"?
I know what it means!
Ciccio, the time has come to say goodbye to us with you.
I'll tell you: "Good-bye!".
And I'll tell you: "Fool!
Brainless! Imbecile! Underdeveloped!"
- But why do you call me that?
- How is the "why" !?
You signed our request for a pardon,
simply put a cross there!
- So what?
- How is the "what" !?
And you showed cross Nero?
Do not you know that it
He hates Christians?
It was a foregone conclusion that our request
It was rejected.
- Wasp ...
- Convicted!
- Convicted!
- That's us!
Ah ... We are here!
Convicted!
According to Roman law ...
... I give you two options.
Either you die by beheading ...
... Or go to the arena.
- Ciccio, I hear correctly?
- You heard right!
Excuse me, sir praetorian!
- Are there any lions in the circus?
- Of course there is!
Then please give two tickets!
- Ciccio, where are we?
- In the circus.
But I do not see any conductor,
no orchestra.
Idiot! The same arena Flavia!
Here gladiators fought and died.
- And why are we here?
- Gladiator.
Gladiator !?
Pull yourself together!
- Collect the same!
- Now something in my pants meet.
Ave Caesar!
Going to die salute you!
And my arm hurts!
A good all die!
Well, Nero! Why do you always thrusting it into his mouth?
Felon need something warm.
The doctor recommended that the hot water.
So you had to heat up the water ...
... Just look at me!
You are sentenced to death manicurist?
- Well, of course!
- That's good!
And what will happen now with this poor fellow?
His life is now - on the finger of Caesar.
- You want to say - in his hands?
- No, in his thumb!
Look!
What is his big fork!
Why does Caesar always like that
your thumb?
Because, if he does
thumb like this, then the gladiator
save lives.
So why would he ever do
his finger like this !?
- Because he's - that's that!
- This?
He - cuckold ?!
Sleep you are there, or what?
Most lead the other two!
Hot water - listen to the doctor.
Gladiators, attention!
The couple number two ...
... Get ready to enter the arena!
What kind of system is this !?
Nero lowers thumb -
and you die !?
If only this
It turned a bad dream!
If this is a dream, but now -
it's time to wake up!
Franco! Punched me in the face!
What are you talking, Ciccio ?!
After all the slaps I
there was, I've long
should wake up ...
... And suffer from insomnia!
But I still did not get slapped!
So, I sleep!
- I can wake up from this dream!
- And I?!
- And you will die in the arena ...
- Yet!
One more! Stronger!
Well done!
Well done!
- No, I thought you were a villain.
- It's just a family apart.
- You'll fight with Taurus!
- With Taurus !?
- What the heck is Taurus?
- That's the guy.
No!
And if there was someone you less?
Someone who has all these muscles ...
- Microbe!
- That microbe - is not bad at all!
- Microbe - it's you! Go to battle with Taurus!
- No!
I - the only son!
Forgive, and you will come to the funeral?
Yes! Yes...
The one that fights with Taurus - your friend?
He was very lucky.
You think so?
We start with a greeting!
Good afternoon, sir Taurus!
Have your Lady okay?
A gladiatoriki go to school?
Greet weapon! Like this!
Welcome like this?
Till!
Stay as you are! Stop!
I just found out that the Taurus -
This gladiator who has a conscience!
- Religion forbids him to shed blood.
- Are you sure?
- Absolutely!
- And he can not shed blood?
- No! To attack him!
- I will do it!
Come back!
Well, be careful, man!
And I can hurt!
I'm just pretending. And now - come on!
I am now!
To arms!
Defend yourself! Well, to protect!
Does everything right!
If so, and you continue - you will be saved!
What do you mean?
Nero gives amnesty to those who demonstrate
exceptional skills.
Well, I have some very skilled!
I'll try not to hurt you.
Just try it!
Get Fit!
- Wait a minute!
- Come here!
Well, now I show their skills!
But just try it!
Neronchik! Is it so much
finger hurts more?
I do not want to see
this stupid fight!
And felon does not pass!
Here in general have hot water?
It is boiled, the divine.
- Well, attack! Nero looks!
- What am I supposed to do?
As the "what to do" ?! You need an amnesty?
Well, hit me!
- Can?
- Necessary!
- Hurry!
- Well, get ready!
Rise thou!
No, I do not get up!
You'd better sit down!
Ah, got it! Do you want to die, huh?
No, you do not you can!
I was not fooled!
Religion forbids you to shed blood.
It's true! I do not shed blood -
I'm suffocating!
Do not say such horrors!
Yes, I am suffocating! You just suffocate!
Check that there is a finger of Nero.
Pray that your Nero spared.
Follow the rules!
- It hurts.
- Think about Mutsii Scaevola!
Oh, that's enough!
I did not know that the divine
It protects you.
But listen to the board:
Run until he changed his mind!
And who pardoned over there?
You, dear August!
This felon deprived me of reason.
It's been a good seven years,
when was the last time someone
released free.
I hope you have not forgotten the tradition?
He received a pardon from Caesar,
satisfied with the whole holiday.
Let's celebrate!
All - drinks at my expense!
But not too merry!
You have to fight with Spartak.
But then this is just a farce!
Let's all be clear!
I have fought and Nero
I set me free!
I'll find someone who will fight with you.
I will not say the name,
but it's - is it!
If he hints at me ...
I will say that I - Retiarius.
And Spartacus too Retiarius.
How dare you
interrupt our conversation with him ?!
- He's locked?
- Yes Yes!
Spartacus!!! Spartacus!!! Spartacus!!!
What did he say?
Discover!
Choose!
I opt for it - it fresher.
I think my friend did not understand,
that we can not fight the law.
By what law?
- By law, the Constitutional Court ...
- According to the law of divorce.
According to the law for adultery ...
According to the law on the minority.
What are you talking about? you are well
You can fight!
Oh no!
But he did injure.
Those are the rules!
You're finally in my hands!
Just do not lose more than me!
Stop! I'm still with you
I did not understand!
- Stop! Put the silverware!
- What is the silverware?
- Most of the plug!
- What even more plug !?
- No! Look at the big toe of Nero!
- What other finger ?!
But it is!
It is written in the constitution!
You should check the finger of Nero -
he points up or down.
- Look, look!
- If Nero does something wrong ...
... I stirred up all the gladiators of Rome!
- Look, look!
- You check! Check!
See ...
Get up! Come on back!
If you look closely,
you will see that it is slightly swollen.
I see nothing.
You keep it to dip,
while I prepare the water hot.
Claudius Nero!
Would you like to turn your thumb?
- Should I do it?
- There is always someone less fortunate.
If you do so,
it can save the lives of these two men.
- Get up! Get up!
- What happened?
- Rise thou!
- Shut up!
I swear by the goddess Athena,
I will erase them in the dust!
- Come on, stop!
- Hurry! That is - the emergency exit!
to the lions
- Stop!
- What?
- Come here!
- Come on! Trust me!
And do not be afraid of the lions!
- Come on!
- I'm looking for a passage.
This is Petronius.
Do not be afraid of lions - I asked his servants
lock them.
- Well done!
- Follow me! Come quickly!
Go forward! Save yourselves!
The output will see a chariot.
- Use this passage!
- This?
- This!
- Funicular back to the cable car here!
Well, let's go!
Ciccio ...
- Do you think we will be able to be saved?
- Yes! On this chariot.
Whip!
Check to see if anyone chasing.
Attention - pothole!
Oh, and do not care!
It is not our chariot!
Stop the horses!
- How do I stop the horses, fool?
- Brake!
How else brake ?!
There is here no brakes!
It does not matter.
Ciccio, brake!
Ciccio, brake!
Brakes! Stop, brake!
Stupid horse!
Did not we raced into the wall of the villa Seneca?
- What is Seneca?
- Congressman.
The man who threw a party.
That was still a lover of Poppea.
- Seneca - a lover of Poppea !?
- Yes.
You are so clueless,
when awake ...
... But should you go to sleep - and know more
than any historian!
And that, I slept ?!
Seeing what you think
about the ancient Romans ...
... I was convinced that you're awake
and listen to me ...
... And I began to repeat to you, "Satyricon".
How do you not understand,
that our profession ...
... Is the basis of Roman culture !?
Two bucatini for our Caesar!
And one more - for Caligula!
- A ready imperial bombolotti?
- Ready-prepared!
I've got meat cooked
on a rare prescription.
Sergio! This - on the 21st.
And you really stubborn!
You are going to shorten this shirt?
Yes or no?
But why? Is it long?
She's just me on my knees.
In the English style.
Such is the fashion!
- Everything is fine?
- No! Nothing wrong!
We are sitting here for half an hour,
but until now we have not served.
Such customers, like us, who
come here often, it would be necessary
care, even on a Sunday!
On Sundays I stay at home.
I drink a glass of milk, and happy!
I'll go check the kitchen.
- Your finger is better?
- I would like to!
- I was sick all night!
- I'm sorry!
- Sorry!
- He regrets!
- Alfredo!
- You are welcome!
Do not poke the piece of glass in the eye -
it's only me.
I asked you not to entrust him
the table.
Last night, director Brambilla
I fought with Franco and his swollen finger.
He even wanted to, I fired him.
Nobody else was not, but I will correct.
Now someone else served table.
Oh, come on!
You will not believe it, but I could not
get fired this guy.
And then they say that we live
in modern world.
If I lived in the ancient period ...
... I have such a sentence to death!
Now I understand why he
so fond of this place.
He begins to feel yourself here Nero.
He was a very good man,
even a Latin.
I am sure that in Rome of those times ...
... I would even be better than Nero.
Because Brambilla does not tolerate procrastination!
So I came to the restaurant
and I am forced to wait half an hour!
But whether the emperor Brambilla ...
... I would have taken all the waiters and - op-la!
All of the Coliseum! Everyone - the battle!
All - to death!
- All the restaurateurs in Rome to shaking!
- Imperial bombolotti ordered you?
Specially for the emperor!
For Nero!
Come on, Ciccio!
Hold your bus!
Wait a minute!
We should in any case take the bus!
Crazy!
This bus goes to the Colosseum!
THE END
That's your pet - Cassius Ciccio ...
And with it the laggard Fabio Franco ...
Arranging historic mess
Rushes together through all this darkness.
Always together Ciccio and Franco,
Franco and Ciccio!
They boldly steps forward
And swords over the heads high vzmetayut ...
Their enemies with shame runs helter-skelter!
A hero centurion exactly mouse shakes!
And when they hijacked the chariot,
With the triumph flee headlong!
With the triumph of the chariot hijacked
Franco and Ciccio flee headlong!
But with the triumph of the chariot hijacked!