Saps at Sea (1940) - full transcript

What happened?

Horns! Horns!

Big horns! Little horns!

That's the fourth guy to crack up this week.

- What did you say?
- I said that's the fourth nervous breakdown.

That's right.
The G minor horn always gets them.

- Make this a G minor.
- Yes, sir.

What?

- I said were the others all right?
- Just fair.

Put that thing down.

Well, I've got to blow me horn.



Cut that thing off! It makes me nervous!

Doesn't this noise bother you?

No, it just goes in this ear
and out of the other. Don't bother me a bit.

Haven't you got it fixed yet?

No, I haven't got it fixed yet
and furthermore I'm not gonna fix it!

Horns to the right of me!
Horns to the left of me!

Horns all over me! Argh!

Horns! Horns! Horns!

There, there, now. Come, come.
Calm yourself, young man. Calm yourself.

Put that down!

Your nerves are all jangled. I'd advise you to
go home immediately and call your doctor.

That's just exactly what I'll do.
Come, Stanley.

Thank you.

Come on and let's go.



Come on.

Back to work, everybody!

You drive. I'm too nervous.

Don't do that.

Stop it.

Stop that noise!

You'd better put the top up.

Hey, what are you trying to do,
wreck my shop?

That's better.

What are you tiptoeing about?
You don't have to be so quiet.

- I'm not tiptoeing.
- What are you walking like that for?

Well, I've got a nail in me shoe.

Well, sit down and take it out.

Here. You answer it.

Hold it a minute.

- Hello?
- Hello. This is Dr Finlayson.

Oh, just a minute.

- Hello.
- Hello?

- Hello?
- Hello! This is Dr Finlayson.

We must have been disunconnected.

- Hello?
- Hello. This is Dr Finlayson.

Is this the home of Mr Hardy?

OK. Goodbye.

Who was it?

It was the doctor.

Well, what did he say?

He said he'd be up here in about
a quarter of an hour or 15 minutes.

As quick as he can get here.

- What have you got in this thing?
- Nothing.

- What good is an ice bag without ice in it?
- We haven't any ice.

Well, put some cold water in it
so I can put it on my head!

Well, I didn't know.

See what that is.

I just called to see how Mr Hardy is.

- What's the big idea?
- Shh!

Good morning, Doctor.

I'll be going.
If there's anything I can do, let me know.

- Thank you.
- Come on, dear.

- Do you want a banana?
- Thank you.

- Right here. Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Come up and see me again sometime.
- I will. Thank you.

Now, let me see.

Let me see your tongue.

- Where can I get some water?
- Right in the sink.

Help yourself.

Put that thing down!

You nearly had me scared to death.

I will now test your lungs.
Lie flat on your back and relax.

Yes, sir.

- What's that?
- It's my own invention. The lung tester.

90 is normal.

If you go above that, anything can happen.

Hold this.

- Now, put this in your mouth.
- Yes.

Put that thing down. Give me a hand.

No, no, no. Just do exactly as I was doing.

How do you feel?

Come on.

Here.

What seems to be
the matter with me, Doctor?

Just as I suspected,
a severe case of hornophobia.

- Hornophobia?
- Yes, you're allergic to horns.

- In fact, you're on the verge of hornomania.
- Huh!

What you need is a complete rest.

Plenty of peace and quiet.

And a strict diet of goats' milk.

Do ghosts have milk?

Not ghost, goat. G-O-oat! Goat!

Now, take a nice hot bath and relax.

Where can I go to get some rest?

Well, you could take a nice ocean voyage.

Plenty of fresh sea air.

I'll go for the bath
but you'll not get me out on any ocean.

Well, that's my advice.

Take it or leave it. I don't give a continental.

When you try to fool your doctor,
you're only fooling yourself.

And another thing. Oh! D'oh!

Well, I guess you'll have
to take the doctor's advice.

You heard what he said.
If you don't, you're just fooling himself.

You can talk from now until doomsday but
you're not gonna get me out on the ocean,

hornomania or no hornomania.

Just trying to help you.

Say, you know what?

Pardon me.

I just thought of something.

We don't have to go way out
on the ocean to get sea air.

- What do you mean?
- Well, we can rent a boat.

We can live on it and we don't have to leave
the dock. Get all the sea air we want.

- Going on the ocean's silly.
- Isn't that fooling the doctor?

You can fool the doctor some of the time
but you can't fool the doctor part of the time

because you'll only be
fooling yourself all of the time.

- What do you think?
- That's what we'll do.

Good. Now you can take
a nice hot bath and relapse

and the doctor won't give you a continental.
He didn't want to in the first place.

You've hit the nail right on the head. While
I'm in the bath, you clean up this room.

I thought they were going
to fix the plumbing.

- It has been fixed.
- Let me speak to the plumber.

Yes, sir.

- 'Hello. '
- Are you the man that fixed the plumbing?

- 'Yes, what's the matter?'
- It's all mixed up.

Well, I can't understand that.
It looked all right to me.

You shouldn't be a plumber. You should
be working crossword puzzles. Ha!

That's telling him.

Pardon me. If you're not too busy,
would you mind fixing me a cup of coffee?

Can't you make a cup of coffee quietly?

It wasn't my fault.
It must be the plumber.

Oh, so that's it, huh?
Well, thanks for reminding me.

I'll just go downstairs
and give him a large piece of my mind.

Mr Hardy, are you having any trouble?

Trouble?! Why, our room is all topsy-turvy.
Come on.

- Just have a look at mine.
- All right.

I can't figure it out. I turned on my radio
this morning and look what happened.

That's not all. Just have a look at the radio.

Well, that's the last straw.
I'll give that guy a piece of your mind, too.

Hello.

Mr Laurel, Professor O'Brien is on
his way up to give you your music lesson.

Well, I'm glad of that.
He's been expecting me.

Mm-hm. Well, call again sometime.
Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- When was the earthquake?
- It wasn't an earthquake.

Funny, I didn't feel it. Well,
let's begin practice with the music, huh?

- Where is the basement?
- Downstairs.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now, you listen to me
and I show you what I mean. All right?

Now we play together. Come on.

Horns.

Horns! Horns!

Horns!

Horns! Horns!

What's the matter?

I'll show you what's the matter!

- You get out of here!
- What do you do?

Get! "What's the matter"!

Hello. What's the idea of sending
every Tom, Dick and Harry up here?

What did you say?

Stan, please...!

Get me down!

Hey, Stan! Help!

Oh! Someone get me down! Oh!

- Which way is the alley?
- Out in the street.

Thanks very much.

Help!

Stan, hey!

Hurry! I can't...!

Don't drop till I get the mattress
underneath you.

Well, hurry up. I can't hold on much longer.

Won't be a minute.

Excuse me. I was just coming...

Ship ahoy there.

Well, hello. What can I do for you?

- I'm Mr Hardy. This is my friend Mr Laurel.
- Oh.

We phoned you about the boat.

Oh, that's who you are.
Come down this way. It's waiting for you.

- All right, sir.
- The goat, too?

Oh, yes.

Well, there she is.

I remember when she was the finest craft
to sail the seven seas. I'll show her to you.

She ain't much now, but she'll answer your
purpose if you don't move her from the dock.

- If you need anything, I'll be at the store.
- Thanks. Goodbye.

- Goodbye, mateys.
- Goodbye. Shiver your timbers.

Say, what'll I do with Narcissus?

Tie her to the dock.

This is all right, isn't it?

Swell. We can rest.

Your nerves are beginning
to look better already.

What's the idea of bringing this along?

That? Well, the professor said that if I didn't
practise, I'd lose my lip and I don't...

Yes and if you do practise,
you'll lose your neck.

Don't you realise the effect
the sound of a horn has on me?

It makes me fighting mad.
In fact, it gives me the urge to kill!

I could take a body
and break it in two and throw it...

The very thought of it
makes me tremble all over.

- I wouldn't get excited.
- Who's excited?

Be calm. You heard what the doctor said.

You gotta have peace and quiet
and goats' milk.

- Say, you haven't had any goats' milk.
- I'm glad you reminded me.

- I'm glad I did, too.
- Get me some.

It's a good thing for your nerves
and that's just what you need.

Yes, sir. It won't take a minute, now.

Pardon me.
Say, how much milk do you want?

- That'll be plenty.
- That's OK.

- You know how to milk a goat, don't you?
- Sure. Just the same as milking a cow.

You hold the cup in this hand, you take the
other hand by the tail and you go like that.

See? If you're left-handed,
you hold the cup in the other hand,

but I always hold it in this hand bec...

"Hold the tail in that hand"!

Such ignorance.

Read all about it! Here you are!
Killer escapes! Extra!

Extra, extra! Read all about it!
Killer escapes! Extra! Here you are!

Thank you. Extra! Read all about it!

Here you are! Killer escapes!

Extra! Escaped murderer!

Here you are! Paper!
Read all about it! Killer escapes!

Extra! Here you are!

Thank you. Extra! Read all about it!

Here you are! Killer escapes! Extra!

Extra! Read all about it! Killer escapes!

Extra! Here you are!

Killer escapes! Extra! Read about it!

Here's a good one.
This ought to send you to sleep. Listen.

"Old Mother Hubbard,
she went to the cupboard

"To get her poor dog a bone.

"But when she came there,
the cupboard was bare

"And so the poor dog had none. "

Poor dog.

"She went to the baker's
to buy him some bread

"But when she came back,
the poor dog was... "

Oh, gee.

"She took a clean dish
to get him some tripe

"But when she came back,
he was smoking her pipe. "

How can a dead dog smoke...

Hey. Come on.

You're sleeping in my bed.

Come on.

Hey. You're sleeping in my bed.

Narcissus, shoo.

- What are you trying to do?
- Shh!

What's the matter?
Narcissus is in my bed.

- Why don't you get her out?
- I tried, but she doesn't pay any attention.

- That's why I slept over here.
- What are we whispering about?

- What?
- What are we whispering about?

- I didn't want to wake you up.
- Thank you very much. Good night.

Get out of my bed and get in your own bed.

You didn't want to wake me up!

- What was that?
- The goat just went out.

- Well, I don't blame it.
- I...

Now, turn out that light
and let me get some peace and quiet.

Pick your feet up.

- Any sign of him?
- No.

Take your men that way
and the rest of you come with me.

- How'd you sleep, Ollie?
- I slept like a log.

- So did I.
- You were right, Stanley.

You can get as much sea air
tied to the dock

as you can in the middle of the ocean.

Just what I told you. You're taking
the doctor's orders at the same time.

We'll go to the store for a nice breakfast.

- Swell. I'm hungry as a hunter.
- Me, too.

- Will you hurry up?
- I was only hanging my clothes up.

Excuse me, jitterbugs.

- Where are you heading for?
- What do you mean jitterbugs?

And what business is it of yours
where we're heading for?

And furthermore what do you mean
trespassing on our private yacht?

Now, remember, two's company.

Now, you get off before I put you off.

Listen, cream puff,

when I was a little boy,
I was told to be seen and not heard.

- Are you going to stand for that?
- I should say not.

I should say not.
I'll call an officer and have you arrested.

I wouldn't do that. Let's get a cop and
he'll get a policeman and we'll fix him up.

You go ashore and attend to that, Stanley,
and I'll watch this ruffian.

That's a good idea. Look out. I'll fix you up.

We'll show him. We'll give him a piece of...

Jitterbug, huh?

Cream puff, huh?

You know, for two pins,
I'd make you eat those words.

- Hey, Ollie, can I see you a minute?
- Why, certainly.

Pardon us. On second thought, ignore it.

Pardon us. Hm.

- What is it?
- Look. Somebody moved the dock.

No use looking. I've looked everywhere.
Can't see a thing.

What's the big idea of shanghaiing us? Get
us back to the dock or there'll be trouble.

- Is that so?
- What do you mean "is that so"?

- You don't realise who we are.
- Who are you?

I'm Mr Hardy and this is my friend Mr Laurel.

What is it?

Don't bother me now.
And there's one more...

So you're Mr Hardy and Mr Laurel, are you?

Well, from now on your name is Dizzy
and your name is Dopey.

- Any objections to that?
- No, sir.

If it isn't asking too much,
would you tell us your name?

- Just call me Nick.
- How do you do, Mr Nick.

- Gee, that's a pretty name.
- And I'd like to have you meet Nick Junior.

Now we understand each other, let's cut out
the formalities. What do you say?

- It's OK with me.
- Me, too.

From now on you take orders from me.
Understand?

- Yes, sir.
- Get below and rustle me something to eat.

We can't get you anything to eat.
We haven't got anything.

Don't argue. Get below and rustle me up
some grub. Go on! Get down there!

- We haven't got anything.
- Get below!

- You wouldn't want Nick Junior to get mad.
- No, sir.

- But you'll have to take pot luck.
- Get going, Dizzy.

And call me when it's ready.

Here's another nice bucket of suds
you've gotten me into.

- I couldn't help it, Dizzy.
- What do you mean you couldn't...

And don't call me Dizzy, Dopey.

It was your idea to get us on this boat.

I'll never listen to another idea of yours
as long as I live

and if I ever get out of this,
I'll use my own judgment.

What will we do about something to eat?

- Well, there's only one thing to do. Fake it.
- What do you mean fake it?

- We serve him a synthetic meal.
- Well, we haven't got any.

You don't understand.

We'll substitute things.

For instance, we'll er...

We'll use this string for spaghetti.

And we'll use the soap for grated cheese
and so on and so on.

- Well, he can't eat that. It'll poison him.
- So what?

If we don't get Old Nick,
Nick Junior will get us.

You're right.
Self-reservation is the last law of average.

Dopey, you amaze me.

- Thank you, Dizzy. I get an idea...
- Go ahead and fix the fire.

Say, can you use this sponge for anything?

Yeah, we can cut it up
and use it for meatballs.

- Good idea.
- Hey, you get the table ready.

Say, look.

- $5,000 reward, captured dead or alive.
- Good.

When he finishes eating this, the reward
is just as good as in the palm of my hand.

- What about me?
- I'll take care of you.

- I'll see what else I can fix up.
- Right.

Do you think he'd like some bacon?

Yeah. Give him the works.

What will you use for tomato sauce?

Look around and see if you can find
anything that looks like it.

Say, how about this red paint?

Perfect. Heat it up.

- What about bread?
- We'll rustle him up some biscuits.

- What will we use?
- There's some talcum powder in my bag.

- Hi, Skipper!
- Hi, Mac! What's the trouble?

I rented the Prickly Heat to a couple
of landlubbers and that tub ain't safe.

I told them not to take her out to sea
but they did and I'm worried.

- We'll see what we can do for you.
- Thanks, Skipper.

Full speed ahead!

- Gee, that looks good.
- It sure does.

You'd never know it was sympathetic.
Wonderful.

- What's that?
- That's coffee.

What did you make it out of?

- I used tobacco.
- That'll fix him.

Now, let's see.

Oh, Mr Nick!

Oh, Mr Nick, dinner is served.

- It is?
- Yes, sir.

- Better eat it while it's good and hot.
- Good and hot.

Looks good.

Smells good.

And it probably tastes good.

- How about some nice hot coffee?
- Later.

You'll like this.
It's just like Mother used to make.

- She never made any as good as this.
- If it's that good...

You eat it.

- I beg your pardon.
- Eat it.

Well, I'm not a bit hungry, am I, Ollie?

No and I'm on a diet.

You heard what I said. Eat.

- No, thanks.
- Hey. Take one.

Take another.

- Won't you have one?
- Uh-uh. I never eat biscuits.

You see, I always... Well, maybe one.

Maybe another one, too.

- Look, I got nothing to eat it with.
- Here. I can wait.

Here you are, Dizzy.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Just like Mother used to make, eh, Dizzy?

Only better, huh, Dopey?

Have a meatball, Dizzy.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Here. Have some coffee.

- No, thank you.
- Come on.

Drink it.

Horns. Horns.

Horns! Horns!

So you wanna play, huh?

Blow the horn. Blow the horn.

I'm helpless without it. Blow the horn!

Open the door, Dizzy! The longer you keep
me waiting, the worse it's gonna be.

Blow the horn, Stan! Blow the horn!

Blow that horn, Stan!

Please blow that horn!

Ah! Blow the horn, Stan! Blow the horn!

Blow the horn, Stan!

Stan! Stan! Blow the horn!

Blow it, Stan!

Blow the horn!

Horns. Horns. Horns!

Horns!

Horns!

Blow the horn!

Blow the horn, Stan!

- What's going on here?
- That's what I'd like to know.

- Who's this guy?
- That fella shanghaied us.

- Shanghaied?
- Yes, sir.

That's Nick Grainger.
The whole country's looking for him.

Put him in irons, boys.

Get up. Come on.

Tow this cracker box back to port.

Do you two realise
you've got a reward coming to you?

What do you mean we two?
I'm gonna get the reward.

- Aren't you going to split it?
- Certainly not. He's going to treat me right.

- Why certainly.
- Take care of me.

How in the world did you subdue this fella?

- I don't want to talk about myself.
- Tell him. Don't be a screwball.

- I don't want to. You tell him.
- All right. It happened like this.

- When those two guys came on board...
- Two guys?

Oh, yes.
There was old Nick and Nick Junior.

So, believe it or not, I got a swell idea
and this is what happened. Listen.

Horns. Horns!

Horns! Horns!

- Which cell is Nick Grainger in?
- Number three.

Here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.

I didn't have anything to do with it.