Santa's Slay (2005) - full transcript

Bill Goldberg plays the devil's son who lost a wager with an angel and was forced to spend 1000 years playing Santa, but now the wager of that time has run out, and good old Santa isn't so joyful anymore. He makes up for lost time and starts to kill people.

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord has come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her King. ♪

I'd better get a Kate
Spade bag this year.

And none of that shopping-mall,
chain-store shit.

Settle for nothing less
than Prada, girls.

Gwen! Don't be telling
my kids that.

I'm trying to teach
them some values.

You're getting Kate Spade.


What does Gwenie want
from big ol' Santa?

Just a faithful husband.

What's the second
thing she wants?

You know what I'm
thinking, angel?

- What, darling?
- I was thinking,

"Dear God,"

don't let this bird taste like
a shoe like it did last year.

"Let it be tender and
moist just for once."

Yeah, moist. That
would be nice.

It's called "foreplay."

I don't wanna screw the
bird. I wanna eat it.

I swear to you she dehydrated
this turkey from Thanksgiving.

Come here, Scribbles.

You try it.


One potato.

- Ooh, Virginia.
- Two potato.

Oh, that's a good one.

Three potato.

Let's dig in.

Listen, you half a fag!

I'll stick this fork in your eye!

Why don't you beg Santa
for a pair of balls?

Beth, say grace.

Dear Lord,

thank you for the bountiful food
that you've provided for us,

and that our loving family can
be together this Christmas.

Also, thank you for
not making us poor

or Samoan.

Thank you for Maxim

the latest M-Class,

and let those that are less
fortunate work harder.

Agh! Whoa!

Oh my God! My stocking!

Is that...


Yes, Virginia, there
is a Santa Claus.



Who are you? What
are you doing?

You want some?


No, Santa! No!

I've been good!

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ The snow's coming down ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ I'm watching it fall ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ Lots of people around ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ The church bells in town ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ They're ringing a song ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ What a happy sound ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ They're singing ♪
♪ "Deck the Halls" ♪

♪ But it's not like ♪
♪ Christmas at all ♪

♪ 'Cause I remember ♪
♪ when you were here ♪

♪ And all the fun ♪
♪ we had last year ♪

♪ - Christmas - Many ♪
♪ lights on the tree ♪

♪ - Christmas - And ♪
♪ I'm watching them shine ♪

♪ - Christmas - You ♪
♪ should be here with me ♪

♪ - Christmas - Baby, ♪
♪ please come home ♪

♪ They're singing ♪
♪ "Deck the Halls" ♪

♪ But it's not like ♪
♪ Christmas at all ♪

♪ 'Cause I remember ♪
♪ when you were here ♪

♪ And all the fun ♪
♪ we had last year ♪

♪ - Christmas - Pretty ♪
♪ lights on the tree ♪

♪ - Christmas - And ♪
♪ I'm watching them shine ♪

♪ - Christmas - You ♪
♪ should be here with me ♪

♪ - Christmas - Baby, ♪
♪ please come home ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ If there was a way ♪

♪ - Christmas - I'd ♪
♪ hold back these tears ♪

♪ - Christmas - But ♪
♪ it's Christmas Day ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪
♪ Please please please ♪

♪ - Baby, please come ♪
♪ home - Christmas ♪

♪ - Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ - Christmas ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

What the hell is in
the Holiday Hoagie?

- Turkey, cranberry, stuffing and mayo.
- What? Slow down!

And stop smacking on
that damn chewing gum!

Yeah, uh...

turkey, Raisinettes,
Cheerios, cranberries,

gummy bears, Altoids...

Oh, you're being cute,
you little shit.

Just give me the roast beef
plain, none of that lean crap.

You're just as loony as
your crackpot grandfather.

I hope you haven't inherited that old
codger Yuleson's Christmas spirit.

Tell that boob to put some
Christmas decorations up.

How're you doing there,
Mrs. Talbot? How are you?

That's a roast beef
sandwich. That's $4.75.

- That's with a senior discount?
- Yes, it is.

What a hustle!

Would $4.50 make
you any happier?


All right.

Here you go.

And have a very happy holiday
there, Mrs. Talbot...

Don't use that political
language shit with me.

It's Christmas. Wish
me merry Christmas.

I'm sorry. Merry
Christmas, Mrs. Talbot.

Thank you, and go fuck yourself.

What a fuckin' whore!

What a pleasant lady.

♪ Santa's comin' to town ♪

♪ And bringin' the joy to ♪
♪ every girl and every boy... ♪

♪ I love Christmas, ♪
♪ yes, I do... ♪

Move, bitch!

Get outta the way!

♪ Workin' on Santa's sleigh... ♪

Suck it!

Woo haa haa haa haar haa haa haar

What you gonna do tonight, you having
Christmas dinner with your grandfather?

My grandfather isn't a big Christmas guy.
Besides I haven't even seen much of him lately.

How about you?

I don't know maybe I'll go over
to the twins house for there

annual Look at all the designer
presents we got fashion show.

Unless you know of
anything better.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!

I got you two a little something
to show my appreciation

for how hard you two work here.

- Thank you so very much, Mr. Green.
- This is for you, this is for you.

You're so very
welcome. Open it up.

Open it, open it, open it!

- Thank you so much for the snow globe.
- Ha Ha Ha.

- That's okay.
- Wisconsin?

Yes, and Wisconsin's beautiful
rolling farmlands, see?

I know how much of a kick you got

out of the Delaware globe I
got you last year, so...

And what did you get?

A clock. Thank you.

It's not just a clock. This
is a Games Illustrated Clock.

You can tell the time in
all the 25 time zones.

Look, in Mexico City,

you got Frankfurt,
you got New Delhi,

Hartford... a place
called Rik-a-vikia.

I don't know where that is, but
you can tell the time there.

That's wonderful and great.
Thanks so much, Mr. Green.

Go ahead, get outta here. It's
Christmas Eve. Stop working. Go.

- Here, I got it.
- Thank you.

- Bye-bye.
- Hey Mac, is this yours?

Mark my words, Nicholas,
you will never get me.

Thank you, Mr. Green.

Do you want a lift home?

Thank you! No.

How about now?

No I'm cool.


You've got it tuned
to the Great One!

99 FM... Hell's best
hip-hop station!

99 FM's Christmas Eve forecast calls
for cold, cold, cold temperatures,

so throw another Yule
log on the fire.

Near freezing in Hell and pretty
much the same can be expected

for those of you planning on
rocking out with Hell's Bells...

♪ One for the kids who ♪
♪ like to get toys ♪

♪ Two for the ones who ♪
♪ like to make noise ♪

♪ Three for Santa because ♪
♪ he rolls with elves ♪

♪ And if you're feeling my ♪
♪ flavor, just rock the bells! ♪

You don't care too much
for Christmas, do you?

- I've never had much reason to.
- Why?

I don't know. It's
always disappointing.

Like I'd want an Optimus
Prime or Castle Grayskull,

and I'd always end up with a stupid
mini-bake oven or something.


Grandpa, are you home?

It's Christmas eve so that
can mean only one thing!

The granddaddy of all the
pre-Christmas balls.

We have an excellent mach
up for you this evening

The fighting insurance salesmen of
south-west North Dakota state University.

Versus the lowering
state golden shower.

Its been seven years
Karl since the insurance

salesman have had a taste
of the golden showers.

And the key to that mach
up Bill and all the...


Grandpa, is that you?

- Agh!
- Whoa!

Doggone it, Nick!

That's the second box of
bulbs I've dropped tonight.

What in the hell are you doing?
Why didn't you answer me?

Don't be throwing the word "hell"
around all willy nilly like that.

I live in Hell, for
Christ's sake.


That's way you dare not use the
Lord's name so indiscriminately.

One of the lights in
the bunker went out.

I flipped the switch. You
know, I couldn't remember

whether it was on
or off position.

And so I had to turn the power off
just to change the light bulb.

Bunker? What are
you talking about?

Aw, are you kidding me?

You're not on another one of your
wacko inventing binges, are you?

Is this why I haven't seen you
for the last couple of days?

Yeah, I've been busy.

Nicky come here come here come
here, you got to see my latest!

Here put this one on first.

Here you go and then this one.

Alright There you are then this goes
up and hoo, then you'll need these.


Oh I left it on 78

Robert Gulay

Can you put the
Chipmunks back on?

What exactly an I wearing, I
mean why is this thing so heavy?

Well I was gonna
call it record man!

But then that seemed so generic, so I
took a page from you Mr Batfarmer.

I'm gonna call it the back
wax pack. What do you think?

That name sounds like a problem most
people don't want. I'd shelve it.

Maybe if it was more compact!

Hey, what's this?

Uh, be careful there.
That's a nutcracker.

I can see that. Lt just seems
a little Christmassy for you.

Do you know that the chestnut can
explode if you don't puncture the skin

- Before it's heated?
- That's fascinating, Grandpa.

I told you to be careful!

You could have put your eye out!

There appears to be a design flaw
that needs to be worked out.

File that next to brown-colored
toilet paper as a bad idea.

Now what about that bunker?

Watch your noodle there.


Grandpa, I... I...

Any desire to explain?

I mean, sometimes I think I'm
the only person in this town

that doesn't believe you're
completely nuts and...

uh, frankly,

my belief is dwindling.

Let them think
whatever they want to.

This is about survival.
I know what they say.

I've been hearing
it most of my life,

but I'd rather be crazy and
alive than ignorant and dead.

♪ No, Santa ♪

♪ A big surprise for you... ♪

What up, Santa bitch?

How much Christmas cheer
you got in the pot?

♪ Don't cry, baby, ♪
♪ Santa's back in town ♪

♪ Get the presents, ♪
♪ candy canes, too ♪

♪ Rudolph is here, ♪
♪ he's coming for you ♪

♪ Don't cry, baby, don't cry ♪

♪ You were bad all year long ♪

♪ Now there's nothin'... ♪
♪ nothin' you can do ♪


Why does Christmas always
bring out the worst in you?

I mean there are allot of people that actually
look forward to it, year in tear out.

I mean some people even calibrate it.
And some

families hold a gift ceremony
and exchange presents.

Is that what all this wining
like a little ninny is about!

OK OK here here here take this.

The only worthwhile gift
is a practical one.

I... I can't remember the last
time you gave me a gift.

What are you talking about I gave you
a light brake for your Birthday.

Ye that was like 12 years ago.

Exactly and when was the last
time you used it... Haa Ha

I just I don't understand

What do you have
against Christmas?

I'm afraid I don't
know what you mean

Grandpa, I used to think it was because
you were grumpy and a little senile,

but Mrs. Talbot said you've
always hated Christmas.

The heck with that old hag!

I don't see any reason
to commercialize Santa.

Besides, he hasn't always been that
loveable poster boy for Coca-Cola.



Why? What for?

Oh God!

- You didn't.
- I said I was sorry.

Grandpa, I want the
truth about Christmas.

And no, I'm not asking you to tell
me that Santa Claus isn't real.

I'm a little too old
for that discussion.

I'd just be a little careful of
what I ask Santa for this year.

What, are we Jewish or something?


Come on, follow me.

You're full of surprises tonight.


For a lifetime of service?

Grandpa, I had no idea you
were in the military.

I wasn't.

What the hell's that?
The Necronomicon?

If it's the truth you want,

then it's the scary truth
you're gonna have. Sit down.

This is the Book of Claus.

Been in the possession of our
family for countless generations.

What does it say?

English, Gramp.

"In the history of man..."

I don't know why you're afraid
to use your Norse, Nicky.

If you don't practice it, you'll never
be able to speak it or read it.

"In the history of man, there have
been only two immaculate conceptions,"

the first being God and the Virgin Mary
and the birth of their son, Jesus.

The second was Satan
with the Virgin Ericka

and the birth of
their son, Santa.

On the anniversary of his birth,

there were always a great number
of unexplained deaths and murders.

This day became known
as the Dag of Mord

or the Day of Slayings.

Eventually, Christianity spread
and when the Dag of Mord arrived,

the townspeople would have a
Mass of Christ or a Christ-Mass,

where they would pray to
their Lord for protection.

In the beginning of
the 11th century,

"one of God's angels"

Carolers... I don't want
them singing around here.

Mary. Nicky, your friend, Mary.

Come in, come in,
come in, my dear.


I hope you like wolverine.

My dad shot it this morning,

you know, with his
Ammo for Animals club.

It's so fresh, you can
almost smell its breath.

Well, thank you.

I didn't realize I
hadn't eaten a thing

until just now.

I don't believe I've ever
had wolverine before.

Oh, well it looks delicious.

I just hope it's not wicked cold.

What are you doing here?

Just trying to spread
some holiday cheer.

- What's this?
- How about you just open it?

You got me a gun?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful,
but what, are you fucking retarded?

No, you jack-off.

It's more than meets the eye.

You said you always wanted one.

I'm as happy as a
Make-a-Wish kid.

Thanks where did you find it?

Ah it was in our
basement collecting dust

You know my Dad, Mr NRA
couldn't wait to replace

the crayons in our
little hands with guns

And when my brother Shaun
asked Santa for a Western

Bendall practically sucked
the life out of him.

I still don't know how they're
so shacked when he came

out, I mean hello he works
in the fragrance department.

Anyway thanks.

So err what you up to tonight?

There are some people
who don't believe

in the spirit of Christmas,
oh, no they don't.

There are some people who don't believe
Christmas should exist at all,

that it's become too
commercial, yes, they do.

There are some people
who don't believe

in the spirit of Christmas
giving, no, no they don't.

And there are even some people

who think that charity

is for the lazy.

Oh, my friends, charity
is not for the lazy.

Charity is for the needy.

Dig deep into your hearts
and deep into your pockets.

Give them your money and
don't give them coins.

I see a lot of coins
in that plate.

Give them bills. Give
the needy bills.

Show them that you have the
true spirit of Christmas

in your hearts, and that
you're ready to show it.

Let us pray.

It depends on how
much I get done.

I'm still at work, okay?
Yeah, hold on, hold on.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, of course I
know what day it is tomorrow.

Yes. Well, choir
ran a little late.

Okay, fine. Love
you, honey. Bye.

So, how's it tonight, Tim.

You'll get plenty of attention
tonight. Really dead.

Christmas Eve.

Well, a little something
for your stocking.

You weren't even here, Pastor.

Oh yeah, baby, yeah!

- Hey.
- Nice tits.


♪ I wanna see that ♪
♪ man, Santa Claus ♪

♪ I said it's Christmas time ♪

♪ I wanna see that ♪
♪ man, Santa Claus... ♪


Where do you think
you're going, fat boy?

I thought I'd stuff
some stockings.

I don't think so.

♪ To Pussy Town ♪

♪ Slide down slow ♪

♪ Beneath your belly I go... ♪

Look what just slid down the
chimney. Merry Christmas.

So anyway, I was talking about
the gift that keeps on giving.

That's what Christmas
is all about.

♪ To Pussy Town... ♪

Ho, ho, hos.

♪ Santa Claus got them ♪
♪ loaded on his sleigh ♪

♪ When he's out for the night ♪
♪ don't get in his way ♪

♪ Don't even try ♪
♪ to shut him down ♪

♪ He's on his way ♪
♪ to Lovin' Town ♪

♪ Checking out the ♪
♪ ladies, head and toes ♪

♪ Looking to find ♪
♪ every girl and boy ♪

♪ So where's he hanging out ♪

Time to go.

♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus, yeah, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus, yeah, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus, yeah, ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

You guys, get back.


We're having quite a night here
at the 43rd annual Christmas Eve

Smash 'Em and Crash 'Em Derby.

Now that was the number
five car going out there.

That's Jacoby. He's done
for the night, I think.

Well, if I don't get to bed
and get my beauty sleep,

I'll probably end up
looking like one of you.

- Good night, Grandpa.
- Merry Christmas.

Now, there's a big hit right there.
Jody Boyd has backed right into...

I'm sorry. I forgot.

It's fine.

You think he's
bananas, don't you?

No no, not bananas.

A little odd, but...

not bananas.

A little odd?

You wanna talk about
a little odd?

Odd is being a member of the
Rifle of the Month Club.

Odd is when all the available wall
space in your house is covered

with the head of an
endangered or extinct animal.

Odd is someone's father I know.

I'm sorry, Nicholas.

I'm sorry I even came
over here tonight.

Just backed right into him, oh!

Yeah, you got my number.

Call me when you're ready for
a more mature relationship.

Merry Christmas.

"The townspeople would
have a Mass of Christ,"

or a Christ Mass,

"where they would pray
to their Lord..."

God, Grandpa.

Lord save us...

"Hearing their call,"

God sent down one of his angel
generals from the heavens.

The angel took the
form of an old man.

He encountered the young, ill-tempered
Santa not far from his home.

Santa was ice fishing with
the ornery little people,

the elves, on a frozen lake.

Help, please Santa, help.
Help, I don't wanna...

Knowing the son of Satan
was a gambling sort,

the angel challenged
him to a contest.

The contest was a simple one:

Who could slide a
rock across the lake

and land it closest to
the ice fishing hole

without the rock falling in.

If Santa won the contest, he would
deliver the confident old man

to his father for an eternity
of pain and suffering.

If the old man won the contest,

Santa would not
only have to cease

the Day of Slayings for
the next 1,000 years,

but would also have to turn the
Dag of Mord, Day of Slayings,

into a Dag of Glee, Day of Joy.

Santa thought this was as close
to a sure wager as could be.

There was no way a mere
mortal was gonna be able

to defeat him at anything.

Santa was so sure of himself
that he went first.

Woo hoo! Yay, Santa. Go!

His rock landed as close
as it could possibly be

to the hole without going in it.

Next was the old man's turn.

- The old man's rock...
- No, no, no!

Skidded slowly along.

Oh no!

And it came to rest
touching Santa's rock

with just enough momentum to push
Santa's stone over into the hole.

"The old man had won."

Shit. That was exactly
1,000 years ago.

The bet's over.


Ho, ho, ho.

He's nuts.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah. ♪

Angels, I think Santa has
left you some surprises.

I can't wait to see
the shit we got.

Can we open our
motherfucking presents now?

- Of course.
- Go ahead, kids.

Let's see what Santa got you.


And finally, a moment of silence

for the victims of that tragic
fire that took place last night

at the community eye
sore, Gold Diggers.

The house of heathens.

While these people are
undeniably moral sinners,

they are nonetheless members
of this community...

and therefore deserve
our condolences.

So pray with me, if you
will, for the salvation

of Crystal Candy...

Sierra Rains...

Dixie Wrecked,

Tess Tickler...

We're closed.

Sorry, Santa. We're closed.

It's Christmas. You should
know that better than anybody.

What's the matter with you?

You wanna eat? Thai Chung
across the street.

A very nice brunch buffet.


You've come to the
wrong deli, fatso.

Here's some stocking stuffers,

you just wrecked the store.

Piece of shit!


Hi, Nicholas.


What's up?

Do you have any gum?

We're all out. The driver that was
supposed to make the delivery

got his butt fried on a stripper
pole over at Gold Diggers.

Heard it on the police scanner.

Yikes, that's below average.

This is all we got left.

Hmm, I've never heard
of Smokin' Gum.

What the hell, sounds hot.

Cool. It's $2.39.

Out of a five?

You know, for such a small town,

I've never seen you before.

Just moved here, homeboy.

Too much damn violence
in the 'hood.

Car two, when you have a chance,
can you go to 313 Main

There's been a report
of some vandalism.

- Oh, you betcha.
- That's Heaven Scent.


Merry Christmas.


There is a Santa Claus.

I thought you people didn't
even believe in him.


No, no.


All right, hold it right there.

- All right, what are your names?
- Rabinowitz.

Rabinowitz Rabin...

- All right, what about you?
- Shlomo Lipschitz.

Shlomo? Like the
replay or what?

What in the hell do we have here?


Looks like someone punched out
Mr. Green's festival of lights.

Hey, Shlomo there says he
saw someone in a Santa suit

...outside the store.
- A Santa suit?

- Is that what he said... Are you sure?
- Okay.

Something just isn't kosher here.

We're taking you down to the
station for a little questioning.

Potts, grab that Amish
group outside, too.

Come on, kid.

All right, watch your
head there, Yitzkak.

- Hello, is Mary there?
- Yeah, hold on.

- Hello - Mac.

- Hey, did you hear about Heaven Scent?
- I know, I was there.

- What? Where are you now?
- I'm at the police station.

I've gotta talk to you.
Can you come pick me up?

- Yeah, I'll be right there.
- Okay, thanks.

Yuleson. Nicholas Yuleson?

Captain Caulk will see you now.

Do you work for Cock or Bush?

Never worked for Bush only Cock.

So you like Cock, huh...

Cock's terrific.

So your not a fan of Bush

I wouldn't say I don't like
Bush I just prefer Cock.

Cock can be a real pain
in your ass though right.

Ye sometimes.

Nick send the Yulson kid in.


I heard that!

Don you now your gay apparel.

We got an eye-witness account
that a man dressed as Santa Claus

was seen leaving the store about the
same time you said you arrived.

Captain, this might be something
that predates all of us.

Santa Claus is not a
myth or a legend.

He's real, only he's not bearing
gifts and presents anymore.

Son, are you saying Santa

is offing everyone who's
naughty and nice?

That's exactly what I'm
saying, Captain. Look...

- Here.
- Gee, Nicholas, that's a swell clock,

but why should I give a damn what
time is is in "Green-witch?"

I figure that we have until about 7
p.m. That'd be midnight at the Pole.

The North Pole's time zone is the
same as the Greenwich Mean Time.

7:00 is when all the
madness should end.

Christmas would be
officially over for Santa.


Well, thanks for the
lesson there, sport,

but I already know
how to tell time.

Now, I don't wanna hear
any more about Santa.

Captain, my grandfather thinks...

Oh, the grandfather! That's
all I needed to hear.

- Please, just listen!
- You're as big a nut as he is.

Thank you for completely
wasting my fucking time!

I know it sounds crazy, but
you have to believe me.

Leave now, and I won't
have you committed

- to the farm at Northville.
- Just wait, all right?

Fine! You've been warned.

Looks like the killings form...

form the shape of
a Christmas tree.

Maybe his next killing

will be right here.

You know, like the
star on the tree.

Yeah, the Christmas tree killer.

I don't know. No,
no, looks like more

like an irregular
polygon, you know.

It's a geometrical
enclosed shape.

You see, it's a closed figure

made up of adjoining
line segments.

Mac, there's some
crazy shit going on,

and Mr. Green's death
is just the beginning.

- What do you mean?
- We have to get to my house

and find my grandpa.

Come in!

This better be good.

- Ho ho ho!
- Oh no!

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Na-Na-Na Na-Na-Na Na-Na-Na ♪

♪ Troll the ancient ♪
♪ Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Na Na Na-Na-Na-Na ♪

Because of everything that's happening
and the Book of Claus, I no longer think

that my grandpa's crazy. He might be
the only sane person in this town.

According to this,
everything should be over

in a little more
than... four hours.

What is it with you and Caulk

How ridiculous! He sucks.


That's not Captain Caulk.

Its Santa!

We gotta get out of
here now! Floor it!

Okay, under the seat!
Get my father's gun!

He's gone!

Oh my God!

- Bullets! There's no bullets!
- Where is he Where is he?

- What the hell are you doing?!
- Trying to make it harder.

Yeah? For him or me?

- Now what?
- Here.

- Unlock the barrel.
- Huh?

Just break it open!

Put the shell into the breech.

Put the bullet in the hole!

- "Top Gun"!
- What?

Slam on the breaks and
let him fly right by.

Now step on it!

Damn it!

Here, hold this.

Let's go!

Come on, hurry up.

Grandpa! Grandpa!

Mr. Yuleson! Mr. Yuleson!

Grandpa! Basement,
he's in the basement.

The Day of Slayings. You
were right, Grandpa.

- I'm so sorry I doubted you.
- Were the two of you followed here?

Kids, did Santa Claus
follow you here?

He tried to pull us over

and-and Nicholas shot him!

You shot Santa?!

- What is this place?
- How much time to we have, Grandpa?

Uh, it'll be midnight at the Pole

in three hours and eight minutes.

If Santa followed you here,
we're all in great danger.

I've built this as a
shelter, not a fortress.

What are those people doing here?

- Who carols?
- Especially during the day.

- I'm gonna go warn them.
- Mary, wait. Nicky...

I'll go get her.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ - All is calm... - Go ♪
♪ home! Get out of here! ♪

♪ - All is...♪
- Run away! Santa's on the loose!

Excuse me.


Come on, we have to
get out of here now!

We're trapped in a
closet on Christmas

with Santa trying to murder
us. How fucked up is that?

Watch your language Nicky.

Oh your biggest concern
now is the word fuck?

I gave this to Shaun
Mackenzie in 87, Shh queer

- What are we gonna do?
- Mary, be a dear

and fetch me that can
of Tinactin there.

Oh, genius, we'll use some Tough
Actin' Tinactin on Santa.

What are the chances of
calming Claus down when we

- cure him of his athlete's foot?
- Mary, please.

Okay, you're crazy again.

- Here.
- What do these do?

These are gonna do us a
lot of good in here.

Besides, how are we even
gonna get to the garage?

Have faith, Nicky, and follow me.

Nicholas, I'm scared.

I know. You're doing a
good job of faking it.

We only have to make it in
another 2.5 more hours.

- Then we should be okay.
- I'm still scared.


We'll head towards the Hell's Bells
and alert everybody we can find.

Now, fire up these bad babies

and let's get out of here.

You've really let
yourself go, haven't ya?

What are you packing around, there?
An extra two bills, I bet.

Mrs. Claus, she's
one hell of a cook.

Not much of a
hairdresser, though.

Oh, I've waited a long
time for this day.

Not half as long as I have.

Unfortunately, your time
is about to expire.

So you're done spreading joy

and warming the hearts
of children everywhere?

I hate children!
For centuries,

I've received millions
of their letters,

and now I'm free to hunt down

every last one of those brats.

Such a long time and
nothing learned.

Enough! There's only one thing

that can make this Dag
of Mort complete.

- Nicky, go!
- I won't leave you. Get on!



Aww, grandpa got run
over by a reindeer.

Get on!

♪ Christmas time, ♪
♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ - Up there, up there! ♪
♪ - Christmas time, Christmas time ♪

Ho ho ho!

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ Santa was nice to me ♪

♪ The streets of the town were ♪
♪ paved with presents on me ♪

- You got to get out of the open.
- Really?

The woods! Head for the woods.

♪ Chopping down all our trees ♪

♪ I wonder whatever happened ♪

♪ To Christmas time for me ♪


Yeah, we got to get
out of the woods.

You think?


Hold on!

♪ Christmas time, ♪
♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ Christmas time, ♪
♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ Christmas time, ♪
♪ Christmas time ♪

Next time, I'm driving!

Next time?


Oh my God!

- Look out!
- Look out!


- Run away! Santa's on his way!
- What the...

- Santa's coming. Get out of here!
- Run for your life!

- Look out!
- Run for your life!

- Save yourself!
- Damn kids!


Sorry, okay, here we go.

Ready and one and two
and three and...

What the hell?

- No!
- Look out, Harry!

Move, you skanks!

Holy shit!

Nicholas, get off the sidewalk!


Sweet Jesus!

I see you've met my hell deer.

What in God's name are you doing?

Why, I'm just trying to spread
a little Yuletide fear.

What do we do now?

We make ourselves scarce
and we hope and we pray

that the "12 Days of
Christmas" song is bullshit.

We got to go now!


Think you better find something
else there, Superman.

Great, he'll never find us now.

Okay, shut your hole and
help me through this window.

All right... you're going
to need to suck it in.

You're going to need
to push from the top.

I swear to God, Nicholas!
Am I going to have to make

every first move in
this relationship.

- How much time do we have?
- The clock's in my backpack.

- What's this?
- It's a nutcracker.

- You think?
- Don't pull that!

My grandpa must have
slipped it in there.

It was the last thing
he was working on.

Look, there's a tag on it.

A Christmas present?

He loved you a lot.

58 minutes, that's it.

So what's the plan?
Just hide out and wait

for Christmas to pass?
He'll be here soon.

He's just going to keep killing.
We have to try and stop him.

I don't think he's unstoppable.

You saw what happened on the truck,
when I shot him.

We have two choices...
defense or offense.

We can be defensive and
try to distract him

until midnight when
he's powerless,

or we can go on the
offense and lead him back

towards those skeet shooters and
finally put an end to Christmas.

Let's take a swing.

Let's get out of here.
This time we use the door.

- Shit, it's out again.
- Well keep hitting it.

It's cashed.

You call this a practical gift?

A practical gift
would be batteries.

Yeah, that's really
helpful right now, Mac.

- That was you, right?
- Mm-mmm.

Who's your daddy?

Father Christmas.

Come on let's go!

- Where to?!
- Anywhere!

Forget about earlier. Let's go
with the defensive chicken plan.

- Maybe we should split up!
- How cliche of you!

Oh hell no!

Let's just hide.


Not a creature is stirring?

Christmas can sure scare
the Dickens out of people.

Oh. Oh.

Goddamn it, that really hurt!

Quit using the Lord's
name in vain, A-hole.

You sound just like my grandpa,

except for the A-hole part.

- Whoa!
- Aaaah!

You okay, Nicholas?

My head hurts.

Oh, come over here, you baby man.

I still can't believe that we're being
hunted by Santa of all f-ing people.

I thought he was
supposed to be jolly?

Well maybe its the killing
that's making him so jovial.


Look we're going to
get through this.

We'll be home safe soon.

I just realized
that I have no one.

I'm so sorry, Nicholas.

You have me.

Besides, I know your grandfather
will always be looking after you.

But whatever happens, I'm
glad that I'm with you.

I just love how the holidays

always seem to bring
people closer together.

I'm Santa Claus! Not
fucking Dracula!

Again, the foolish archangel,

Hellsgate Yuleson.

The only angel to give up his
immortality for an earthly woman.

I'm beginning to feel a little
more like my old self again.

Wicked, your
grandfather's an angel.

I told you he'd look after you.

I swear I'll never take the
Lord's name in vain again.

You're forgiven, Nicholas.

Sorry I couldn't have made you
death a more painful one.

How did you know I'd find you?

You said you'd go to
Hell and back to find me

once the bet was over.

So I moved to Hell Township.

Is your grandfather
always so literal?

I had to make sure

you would honor our wager.

It was easy to find you.

"Dear Santa,"

I've been a good boy nearly
every day this year.

I wanted to see you at the mall,

but my grandfather finished
curling practice too late.

I don't think he
really wanted to go,

so I'm writing you this
letter to tell you

what I would like for Christmas.

Can I please have
a mini-bake oven?

"Sincerely, Nicholas Yuleson"

29 Meadowlark Lane.

Hell Township.

Let the boy go. It's
me you really want.

On the contrary, I knew the boy
would lead me to you and he did.

Now that he's the last
remaining Yuleson...

Why don't we settle this, Claus?

Care to redeem yourself?

This time,

I set the stakes.

If I win, there's no
more Day of Slayings.

It's back to being
good once and for all.

- How 'bout it?
- When you lose,

you will enter that hell hole

and your soul will be
enslaved for all of eternity.

- How about that?
- Grandpa!

Nicky, just remember,

the only worth-while gifts

are practical ones.



I hope you enjoyed
your little furlough.

Now, let's finish this.

- Grandpa!
- Aaaaah!

- Grandpa!
- Yes!

Not to worry. You'll
be joining him

soon enough.

The clock just struck
midnight at the Pole.

Christmas is officially
over for you, Santa.

You know,

most people make
the same mistake.

The correct time at the Pole
is completely discretionary

because the Poles are
where all the time zones

actually converge.

He's scary, yet educational.

So, what I'm saying,


is that Christmas is over

when I say it's over.



Let's turn up the heat!

I'm roasting!

Here, give me your
hand. I got you!


Merry Christmas to all
and to all good night.

Remember me?!

Come on! Pull, Mac!

Get back in line!


Honey, I had the most
terrible nightmare.

Visions of sugarplums?

So, is everyone okay?

I'm fine, but I think you
have some explaining to do.


My boy,

I loved your grandmother
very, very much.

What powers I had, I
lost all for her.

I'm telling you, kids,
Santa's bluffing.

He's powerless now.

Let's go after him and put an
end to this once and for all.

What do you say?

- Okay, Yeah! We'll go..

- Grandpa?
- I don't believe I can cross.

I can't leave you,
Grandpa. Not again.

I don't recall raising a sally!

Now go! I promise

I'll be around.

Time to go on the offense.

The bears eat salmon.

They stand there all damn day and
wait for those fish to jump up.

I wouldn't touch 'em though.

That time of year, they
look like monsters.

Their muzzles are all
disgusting and everything.

Hey. Hey, there's that asshole
who blew by here earlier.

And my baby sister.

- Come on, we need your help.
- What?

Come on, hurry up.

How would you like to tell
everyone in your park...

your block, that you have a
bird deer mounted on your wall?

What do you mean?

I'm sure half of you guys
have been dreaming about this

your entire lives.
Hunting a flying buck?

And you know where one is?

Just get ready. I'm going to
give the special bird deer call.

The little prick was right.

It's a reindeer.

- Come on, man.
- Load up, load up.

You're going down

in history.

Here. You can do it.

- Oh!
- Yeah!

- Ah!
- Oh!



Hi, sweetheart!

Daddy, where did you
get that bazooka?

Vinnie gave it to
me for Christmas.

He'd been saving
up his llama loot.

Isn't it great?

It only cost me a lung.

And your vocal chords.

That sure looks like Santa to me.

I guess Christmas is over.
Santa's stuck on the North Pole.


It's Pastor Timmons.

Pastor Timmons is the
psycho Santa guy?

What a scandal. I was
one of his alter boys.


All right, everyone stand back.

Things are about to
get a little messy.

And make sure you
include in your report

that the light anti-tank
weapon is registered.

- Thank you.
- Let's go bag the stag.

Hey, Mary! You
want to come help?

No, you have fun, Daddy.

Why didn't you say anything?

Christmas is over,

Santa's gone. Why should
they live in fear?

Maybe he's still out
there I don't know.

I think my saga's just beginning.

Hey, I think your dad left this.

He'll probably need it.

I got you.

Hey, and I got you.

Yeah, but you hit like a girl.

Yeah, well you kiss like a guy.

So... Mr. Satan.

Actually, that's "Shatan."

Oh, like the hockey player.

Well, we have you

connecting in Winnipeg and...

continuing on too...

Borneo Airport, North Pole.

That's correct.

How many bags do you
have to check, sir?

Just one.

Has your... sack

been out of your sight at all?

Well, just have a seat.

We'll board in 10 minutes.

Can I help the next
person, please?

One two three...

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ I ain't going to cry ♪

♪ You killed my Gramps and ♪
♪ you're trying to kill me ♪

♪ I hope your sleigh ♪
♪ goes down in the sea ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ I know it's too bad ♪

♪ I thought you were sweet and ♪
♪ nice, but I think we've been had ♪

♪ If you were to go ♪
♪ on a terror run ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm glad we shot ♪
♪ you down with a gun ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ I bet you ate Rudolph, ♪
♪ I bet you killed him ♪

♪ I bet you tore Dasher ♪
♪ up limb by limb ♪

♪ I just have a question, ♪
♪ I just can't see ♪

♪ Why you got to be ♪
♪ so mean to me ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ I ain't going to cry ♪

♪ You killed my Gramps and ♪
♪ you're trying to kill me ♪

♪ I hope your sleigh ♪
♪ goes down in the sea ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye. ♪

♪ Deck the halls with ♪
♪ boughs of holly ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ 'Tis the season ♪
♪ to be jolly ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Na Na Na, Na Na ♪
♪ Na, Na Na Na ♪

♪ Troll the ancient ♪
♪ Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ See the blazing ♪
♪ Yule before us ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Strike the lamp and ♪
♪ join the chorus ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪

♪ Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na Na ♪

♪ While I tell of ♪
♪ Yuletide treasure ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Deck the halls with ♪
♪ boughs of holly ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Na Na Na, Na Na ♪
♪ Na, Na Na Na ♪

♪ Troll the ancient ♪
♪ Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪
♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit, ♪
♪ down river style ♪

♪ From the Straits of Gibraltar ♪
♪ to the tip of Belle lsle ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit, ♪
♪ check it and see ♪

♪ It's a family reunion ♪
♪ just aspects of me ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit ♪

♪ It's going to blow your mind ♪

♪ Santa don't have nowhere ♪
♪ to park his sleigh ♪

♪ With the crumbling rooftops ♪
♪ and the urban decay ♪

♪ Ain't got no chimney ♪
♪ to crawl down ♪

♪ And if he don't bring ♪
♪ Rudolph, just shoot him down ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit ♪

♪ It's going to blow your mind ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit ♪
♪ has a down river style ♪

♪ From the Straits of Gibraltar ♪
♪ to the tip of Belle lsle ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit, ♪
♪ check it and see ♪

♪ It's a family reunion ♪
♪ just aspects of me ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit ♪

♪ It's going to ♪
♪ blow your mind. ♪

Who's next?