Santa's Slay (2005) - full transcript

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord has come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive her King. ♪

I'd better get a Kate

Spade bag this year.

And none of that shopping-mall,

chain-store shit.

Settle for nothing less

than Prada, girls.

Gwen! Don't be telling

my kids that.

I'm trying to teach

them some values.

You're getting Kate Spade.

Hey.

What does Gwenie want

from big ol' Santa?

Just a faithful husband.

What's the second

thing she wants?

You know what I'm

thinking, angel?

- What, darling?

- I was thinking,

"Dear God,"

don't let this bird taste like

a shoe like it did last year.

"Let it be tender and

moist just for once."

Yeah, moist. That

would be nice.

It's called "foreplay."

I don't wanna screw the

bird. I wanna eat it.

I swear to you she dehydrated

this turkey from Thanksgiving.

Come here, Scribbles.

You try it.

Scribbles.

One potato.

- Ooh, Virginia.

- Two potato.

Oh, that's a good one.

Three potato.

Let's dig in.

Listen, you half a fag!

I'll stick this fork in your eye!

Why don't you beg Santa

for a pair of balls?

Beth, say grace.

Dear Lord,

thank you for the bountiful food

that you've provided for us,

and that our loving family can

be together this Christmas.

Also, thank you for

not making us poor

or Samoan.

Thank you for Maxim

Pharmaceuticals,

the latest M-Class,

and let those that are less

fortunate work harder.

Agh! Whoa!

Oh my God! My stocking!

Is that...

Santa?

Yes, Virginia, there

is a Santa Claus.

Whoa!

Daddy!

Who are you? What

are you doing?

You want some?

Help!

No, Santa! No!

I've been good!

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ The snow's coming down ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ I'm watching it fall ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ Lots of people around ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ The church bells in town ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ They're ringing a song ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ What a happy sound ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

♪ They're singing ♪

♪ "Deck the Halls" ♪

♪ But it's not like ♪

♪ Christmas at all ♪

♪ 'Cause I remember ♪

♪ when you were here ♪

♪ And all the fun ♪

♪ we had last year ♪

♪ - Christmas - Many ♪

♪ lights on the tree ♪

♪ - Christmas - And ♪

♪ I'm watching them shine ♪

♪ - Christmas - You ♪

♪ should be here with me ♪

♪ - Christmas - Baby, ♪

♪ please come home ♪

♪ They're singing ♪

♪ "Deck the Halls" ♪

♪ But it's not like ♪

♪ Christmas at all ♪

♪ 'Cause I remember ♪

♪ when you were here ♪

♪ And all the fun ♪

♪ we had last year ♪

♪ - Christmas - Pretty ♪

♪ lights on the tree ♪

♪ - Christmas - And ♪

♪ I'm watching them shine ♪

♪ - Christmas - You ♪

♪ should be here with me ♪

♪ - Christmas - Baby, ♪

♪ please come home ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ If there was a way ♪

♪ - Christmas - I'd ♪

♪ hold back these tears ♪

♪ - Christmas - But ♪

♪ it's Christmas Day ♪

♪ - Christmas - ♪

♪ Please please please ♪

♪ - Baby, please come ♪

♪ home - Christmas ♪

♪ - Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ - Christmas ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

What the hell is in

the Holiday Hoagie?

- Turkey, cranberry, stuffing and mayo.

- What? Slow down!

And stop smacking on

that damn chewing gum!

Yeah, uh...

turkey, Raisinettes,

Cheerios, cranberries,

gummy bears, Altoids...

Oh, you're being cute,

you little shit.

Just give me the roast beef

plain, none of that lean crap.

You're just as loony as

your crackpot grandfather.

I hope you haven't inherited that old

codger Yuleson's Christmas spirit.

Tell that boob to put some

Christmas decorations up.

How're you doing there,

Mrs. Talbot? How are you?

That's a roast beef

sandwich. That's $4.75.

- That's with a senior discount?

- Yes, it is.

What a hustle!

Would $4.50 make

you any happier?

$4.50.

All right.

Here you go.

And have a very happy holiday

there, Mrs. Talbot...

Don't use that political

language shit with me.

It's Christmas. Wish

me merry Christmas.

I'm sorry. Merry

Christmas, Mrs. Talbot.

Thank you, and go fuck yourself.

What a fuckin' whore!

What a pleasant lady.

♪ Santa's comin' to town ♪

♪ And bringin' the joy to ♪

♪ every girl and every boy... ♪

♪ I love Christmas, ♪

♪ yes, I do... ♪

Move, bitch!

Get outta the way!

♪ Workin' on Santa's sleigh... ♪

Suck it!

Woo haa haa haa haar haa haa haar

What you gonna do tonight, you having

Christmas dinner with your grandfather?

My grandfather isn't a big Christmas guy.

Besides I haven't even seen much of him lately.

How about you?

I don't know maybe I'll go over

to the twins house for there

annual Look at all the designer

presents we got fashion show.

Unless you know of

anything better.

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!

I got you two a little something

to show my appreciation

for how hard you two work here.

- Thank you so very much, Mr. Green.

- This is for you, this is for you.

You're so very

welcome. Open it up.

Open it, open it, open it!

- Thank you so much for the snow globe.

- Ha Ha Ha.

- That's okay.

- Wisconsin?

Yes, and Wisconsin's beautiful

rolling farmlands, see?

I know how much of a kick you got

out of the Delaware globe I

got you last year, so...

And what did you get?

A clock. Thank you.

It's not just a clock. This

is a Games Illustrated Clock.

You can tell the time in

all the 25 time zones.

Look, in Mexico City,

you got Frankfurt,

you got New Delhi,

Hartford... a place

called Rik-a-vikia.

I don't know where that is, but

you can tell the time there.

That's wonderful and great.

Thanks so much, Mr. Green.

Go ahead, get outta here. It's

Christmas Eve. Stop working. Go.

- Here, I got it.

- Thank you.

- Bye-bye.

- Hey Mac, is this yours?

Mark my words, Nicholas,

you will never get me.

Thank you, Mr. Green.

Do you want a lift home?

Thank you! No.

How about now?

No I'm cool.

Now

You've got it tuned

to the Great One!

99 FM... Hell's best

hip-hop station!

99 FM's Christmas Eve forecast calls

for cold, cold, cold temperatures,

so throw another Yule

log on the fire.

Near freezing in Hell and pretty

much the same can be expected

for those of you planning on

rocking out with Hell's Bells...

♪ One for the kids who ♪

♪ like to get toys ♪

♪ Two for the ones who ♪

♪ like to make noise ♪

♪ Three for Santa because ♪

♪ he rolls with elves ♪

♪ And if you're feeling my ♪

♪ flavor, just rock the bells! ♪

You don't care too much

for Christmas, do you?

- I've never had much reason to.

- Why?

I don't know. It's

always disappointing.

Like I'd want an Optimus

Prime or Castle Grayskull,

and I'd always end up with a stupid

mini-bake oven or something.

Grandpa.

Grandpa, are you home?

It's Christmas eve so that

can mean only one thing!

The granddaddy of all the

pre-Christmas balls.

We have an excellent mach

up for you this evening

The fighting insurance salesmen of

south-west North Dakota state University.

Versus the lowering

state golden shower.

Its been seven years

Karl since the insurance

salesman have had a taste

of the golden showers.

And the key to that mach

up Bill and all the...

Grandpa?

Grandpa, is that you?

- Agh!

- Whoa!

Doggone it, Nick!

That's the second box of

bulbs I've dropped tonight.

What in the hell are you doing?

Why didn't you answer me?

Don't be throwing the word "hell"

around all willy nilly like that.

I live in Hell, for

Christ's sake.

True.

That's way you dare not use the

Lord's name so indiscriminately.

One of the lights in

the bunker went out.

I flipped the switch. You

know, I couldn't remember

whether it was on

or off position.

And so I had to turn the power off

just to change the light bulb.

Bunker? What are

you talking about?

Aw, are you kidding me?

You're not on another one of your

wacko inventing binges, are you?

Is this why I haven't seen you

for the last couple of days?

Yeah, I've been busy.

Nicky come here come here come

here, you got to see my latest!

Here put this one on first.

Here you go and then this one.

Alright There you are then this goes

up and hoo, then you'll need these.

Chipmunks?

Oh I left it on 78

Robert Gulay

Can you put the

Chipmunks back on?

What exactly an I wearing, I

mean why is this thing so heavy?

Well I was gonna

call it record man!

But then that seemed so generic, so I

took a page from you Mr Batfarmer.

I'm gonna call it the back

wax pack. What do you think?

That name sounds like a problem most

people don't want. I'd shelve it.

Maybe if it was more compact!

Hey, what's this?

Uh, be careful there.

That's a nutcracker.

I can see that. Lt just seems

a little Christmassy for you.

Do you know that the chestnut can

explode if you don't puncture the skin

- Before it's heated?

- That's fascinating, Grandpa.

I told you to be careful!

You could have put your eye out!

There appears to be a design flaw

that needs to be worked out.

File that next to brown-colored

toilet paper as a bad idea.

Now what about that bunker?

Watch your noodle there.

Um...

Grandpa, I... I...

Any desire to explain?

I mean, sometimes I think I'm

the only person in this town

that doesn't believe you're

completely nuts and...

uh, frankly,

my belief is dwindling.

Let them think

whatever they want to.

This is about survival.

I know what they say.

I've been hearing

it most of my life,

but I'd rather be crazy and

alive than ignorant and dead.

♪ No, Santa ♪

♪ A big surprise for you... ♪

What up, Santa bitch?

How much Christmas cheer

you got in the pot?

♪ Don't cry, baby, ♪

♪ Santa's back in town ♪

♪ Get the presents, ♪

♪ candy canes, too ♪

♪ Rudolph is here, ♪

♪ he's coming for you ♪

♪ Don't cry, baby, don't cry ♪

♪ You were bad all year long ♪

♪ Now there's nothin'... ♪

♪ nothin' you can do ♪

Grandpa!

Why does Christmas always

bring out the worst in you?

I mean there are allot of people that actually

look forward to it, year in tear out.

I mean some people even calibrate it.

And some

families hold a gift ceremony

and exchange presents.

Is that what all this wining

like a little ninny is about!

OK OK here here here take this.

The only worthwhile gift

is a practical one.

I... I can't remember the last

time you gave me a gift.

What are you talking about I gave you

a light brake for your Birthday.

Ye that was like 12 years ago.

Exactly and when was the last

time you used it... Haa Ha

I just I don't understand

What do you have

against Christmas?

I'm afraid I don't

know what you mean

Grandpa, I used to think it was because

you were grumpy and a little senile,

but Mrs. Talbot said you've

always hated Christmas.

The heck with that old hag!

I don't see any reason

to commercialize Santa.

Besides, he hasn't always been that

loveable poster boy for Coca-Cola.

Oops.

Sorry.

Why? What for?

Oh God!

- You didn't.

- I said I was sorry.

Grandpa, I want the

truth about Christmas.

And no, I'm not asking you to tell

me that Santa Claus isn't real.

I'm a little too old

for that discussion.

I'd just be a little careful of

what I ask Santa for this year.

What, are we Jewish or something?

Okay.

Come on, follow me.

You're full of surprises tonight.

Oh!

For a lifetime of service?

Grandpa, I had no idea you

were in the military.

I wasn't.

What the hell's that?

The Necronomicon?

If it's the truth you want,

then it's the scary truth

you're gonna have. Sit down.

This is the Book of Claus.

Been in the possession of our

family for countless generations.

What does it say?

English, Gramp.

"In the history of man..."

I don't know why you're afraid

to use your Norse, Nicky.

If you don't practice it, you'll never

be able to speak it or read it.

"In the history of man, there have

been only two immaculate conceptions,"

the first being God and the Virgin Mary

and the birth of their son, Jesus.

The second was Satan

with the Virgin Ericka

and the birth of

their son, Santa.

On the anniversary of his birth,

there were always a great number

of unexplained deaths and murders.

This day became known

as the Dag of Mord

or the Day of Slayings.

Eventually, Christianity spread

and when the Dag of Mord arrived,

the townspeople would have a

Mass of Christ or a Christ-Mass,

where they would pray to

their Lord for protection.

In the beginning of

the 11th century,

"one of God's angels"

Carolers... I don't want

them singing around here.

Mary. Nicky, your friend, Mary.

Come in, come in,

come in, my dear.

Hi.

I hope you like wolverine.

My dad shot it this morning,

you know, with his

Ammo for Animals club.

It's so fresh, you can

almost smell its breath.

Well, thank you.

I didn't realize I

hadn't eaten a thing

until just now.

I don't believe I've ever

had wolverine before.

Oh, well it looks delicious.

I just hope it's not wicked cold.

What are you doing here?

Just trying to spread

some holiday cheer.

- What's this?

- How about you just open it?

You got me a gun?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful,

but what, are you fucking retarded?

No, you jack-off.

It's more than meets the eye.

You said you always wanted one.

I'm as happy as a

Make-a-Wish kid.

Thanks where did you find it?

Ah it was in our

basement collecting dust

You know my Dad, Mr NRA

couldn't wait to replace

the crayons in our

little hands with guns

And when my brother Shaun

asked Santa for a Western

Bendall practically sucked

the life out of him.

I still don't know how they're

so shacked when he came

out, I mean hello he works

in the fragrance department.

Anyway thanks.

So err what you up to tonight?

There are some people

who don't believe

in the spirit of Christmas,

oh, no they don't.

There are some people who don't believe

Christmas should exist at all,

that it's become too

commercial, yes, they do.

There are some people

who don't believe

in the spirit of Christmas

giving, no, no they don't.

And there are even some people

who think that charity

is for the lazy.

Oh, my friends, charity

is not for the lazy.

Charity is for the needy.

Dig deep into your hearts

and deep into your pockets.

Give them your money and

don't give them coins.

I see a lot of coins

in that plate.

Give them bills. Give

the needy bills.

Show them that you have the

true spirit of Christmas

in your hearts, and that

you're ready to show it.

Let us pray.

It depends on how

much I get done.

I'm still at work, okay?

Yeah, hold on, hold on.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, of course I

know what day it is tomorrow.

Yes. Well, choir

ran a little late.

Okay, fine. Love

you, honey. Bye.

So, how's it tonight, Tim.

You'll get plenty of attention

tonight. Really dead.

Christmas Eve.

Well, a little something

for your stocking.

You weren't even here, Pastor.

Oh yeah, baby, yeah!

- Hey.

- Nice tits.

Whoa.

♪ I wanna see that ♪

♪ man, Santa Claus ♪

♪ I said it's Christmas time ♪

♪ I wanna see that ♪

♪ man, Santa Claus... ♪

Whoa!

Where do you think

you're going, fat boy?

I thought I'd stuff

some stockings.

I don't think so.

♪ To Pussy Town ♪

♪ Slide down slow ♪

♪ Beneath your belly I go... ♪

Look what just slid down the

chimney. Merry Christmas.

So anyway, I was talking about

the gift that keeps on giving.

That's what Christmas

is all about.

♪ To Pussy Town... ♪

Ho, ho, hos.

♪ Santa Claus got them ♪

♪ loaded on his sleigh ♪

♪ When he's out for the night ♪

♪ don't get in his way ♪

♪ Don't even try ♪

♪ to shut him down ♪

♪ He's on his way ♪

♪ to Lovin' Town ♪

♪ Checking out the ♪

♪ ladies, head and toes ♪

♪ Looking to find ♪

♪ every girl and boy ♪

♪ So where's he hanging out ♪

Time to go.

♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus, yeah, ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus, yeah, ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Santa Claus, Santa Claus ♪

♪ Santa Claus, yeah, ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

You guys, get back.

Naughty.

We're having quite a night here

at the 43rd annual Christmas Eve

Smash 'Em and Crash 'Em Derby.

Now that was the number

five car going out there.

That's Jacoby. He's done

for the night, I think.

Well, if I don't get to bed

and get my beauty sleep,

I'll probably end up

looking like one of you.

- Good night, Grandpa.

- Merry Christmas.

Now, there's a big hit right there.

Jody Boyd has backed right into...

I'm sorry. I forgot.

It's fine.

You think he's

bananas, don't you?

No no, not bananas.

A little odd, but...

not bananas.

A little odd?

You wanna talk about

a little odd?

Odd is being a member of the

Rifle of the Month Club.

Odd is when all the available wall

space in your house is covered

with the head of an

endangered or extinct animal.

Odd is someone's father I know.

I'm sorry, Nicholas.

I'm sorry I even came

over here tonight.

Just backed right into him, oh!

Yeah, you got my number.

Call me when you're ready for

a more mature relationship.

Merry Christmas.

"The townspeople would

have a Mass of Christ,"

or a Christ Mass,

"where they would pray

to their Lord..."

God, Grandpa.

Lord save us...

"Hearing their call,"

God sent down one of his angel

generals from the heavens.

The angel took the

form of an old man.

He encountered the young, ill-tempered

Santa not far from his home.

Santa was ice fishing with

the ornery little people,

the elves, on a frozen lake.

Help, please Santa, help.

Help, I don't wanna...

Knowing the son of Satan

was a gambling sort,

the angel challenged

him to a contest.

The contest was a simple one:

Who could slide a

rock across the lake

and land it closest to

the ice fishing hole

without the rock falling in.

If Santa won the contest, he would

deliver the confident old man

to his father for an eternity

of pain and suffering.

If the old man won the contest,

Santa would not

only have to cease

the Day of Slayings for

the next 1,000 years,

but would also have to turn the

Dag of Mord, Day of Slayings,

into a Dag of Glee, Day of Joy.

Santa thought this was as close

to a sure wager as could be.

There was no way a mere

mortal was gonna be able

to defeat him at anything.

Santa was so sure of himself

that he went first.

Woo hoo! Yay, Santa. Go!

His rock landed as close

as it could possibly be

to the hole without going in it.

Next was the old man's turn.

- The old man's rock...

- No, no, no!

Skidded slowly along.

Oh no!

And it came to rest

touching Santa's rock

with just enough momentum to push

Santa's stone over into the hole.

"The old man had won."

Shit. That was exactly

1,000 years ago.

The bet's over.

Hooyaa!

Ho, ho, ho.

He's nuts.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah. ♪

Angels, I think Santa has

left you some surprises.

I can't wait to see

the shit we got.

Can we open our

motherfucking presents now?

- Of course.

- Go ahead, kids.

Let's see what Santa got you.

Fuck.

And finally, a moment of silence

for the victims of that tragic

fire that took place last night

at the community eye

sore, Gold Diggers.

The house of heathens.

While these people are

undeniably moral sinners,

they are nonetheless members

of this community...

and therefore deserve

our condolences.

So pray with me, if you

will, for the salvation

of Crystal Candy...

Sierra Rains...

Dixie Wrecked,

Tess Tickler...

We're closed.

Sorry, Santa. We're closed.

It's Christmas. You should

know that better than anybody.

What's the matter with you?

You wanna eat? Thai Chung

across the street.

A very nice brunch buffet.

Schmuck.

You've come to the

wrong deli, fatso.

Here's some stocking stuffers,

you just wrecked the store.

Piece of shit!

Oy.

Hi, Nicholas.

Hey.

What's up?

Do you have any gum?

We're all out. The driver that was

supposed to make the delivery

got his butt fried on a stripper

pole over at Gold Diggers.

Heard it on the police scanner.

Yikes, that's below average.

This is all we got left.

Hmm, I've never heard

of Smokin' Gum.

What the hell, sounds hot.

Cool. It's $2.39.

Out of a five?

You know, for such a small town,

I've never seen you before.

Just moved here, homeboy.

Too much damn violence

in the 'hood.

Car two, when you have a chance,

can you go to 313 Main

There's been a report

of some vandalism.

- Oh, you betcha.

- That's Heaven Scent.

Hey.

Merry Christmas.

Nicholas.

There is a Santa Claus.

I thought you people didn't

even believe in him.

You...

No, no.

No.

All right, hold it right there.

- All right, what are your names?

- Rabinowitz.

Rabinowitz Rabin...

- All right, what about you?

- Shlomo Lipschitz.

Shlomo? Like the

replay or what?

What in the hell do we have here?

Oh.

Looks like someone punched out

Mr. Green's festival of lights.

Hey, Shlomo there says he

saw someone in a Santa suit

...outside the store.

- A Santa suit?

- Is that what he said... Are you sure?

- Okay.

Something just isn't kosher here.

We're taking you down to the

station for a little questioning.

Potts, grab that Amish

group outside, too.

Come on, kid.

All right, watch your

head there, Yitzkak.

- Hello, is Mary there?

- Yeah, hold on.

- Hello - Mac.

- Hey, did you hear about Heaven Scent?

- I know, I was there.

- What? Where are you now?

- I'm at the police station.

I've gotta talk to you.

Can you come pick me up?

- Yeah, I'll be right there.

- Okay, thanks.

Yuleson. Nicholas Yuleson?

Captain Caulk will see you now.

Do you work for Cock or Bush?

Never worked for Bush only Cock.

So you like Cock, huh...

Cock's terrific.

So your not a fan of Bush

I wouldn't say I don't like

Bush I just prefer Cock.

Cock can be a real pain

in your ass though right.

Ye sometimes.

Nick send the Yulson kid in.

Weenus...

I heard that!

Don you now your gay apparel.

We got an eye-witness account

that a man dressed as Santa Claus

was seen leaving the store about the

same time you said you arrived.

Captain, this might be something

that predates all of us.

Santa Claus is not a

myth or a legend.

He's real, only he's not bearing

gifts and presents anymore.

Son, are you saying Santa

is offing everyone who's

naughty and nice?

That's exactly what I'm

saying, Captain. Look...

- Here.

- Gee, Nicholas, that's a swell clock,

but why should I give a damn what

time is is in "Green-witch?"

I figure that we have until about 7

p.m. That'd be midnight at the Pole.

The North Pole's time zone is the

same as the Greenwich Mean Time.

7:00 is when all the

madness should end.

Christmas would be

officially over for Santa.

Maybe.

Well, thanks for the

lesson there, sport,

but I already know

how to tell time.

Now, I don't wanna hear

any more about Santa.

Captain, my grandfather thinks...

Oh, the grandfather! That's

all I needed to hear.

- Please, just listen!

- You're as big a nut as he is.

Thank you for completely

wasting my fucking time!

I know it sounds crazy, but

you have to believe me.

Leave now, and I won't

have you committed

- to the farm at Northville.

- Just wait, all right?

Fine! You've been warned.

Looks like the killings form...

form the shape of

a Christmas tree.

Maybe his next killing

will be right here.

You know, like the

star on the tree.

Yeah, the Christmas tree killer.

I don't know. No,

no, looks like more

like an irregular

polygon, you know.

It's a geometrical

enclosed shape.

You see, it's a closed figure

made up of adjoining

line segments.

Mac, there's some

crazy shit going on,

and Mr. Green's death

is just the beginning.

- What do you mean?

- We have to get to my house

and find my grandpa.

Come in!

This better be good.

- Ho ho ho!

- Oh no!

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Na-Na-Na Na-Na-Na Na-Na-Na ♪

♪ Troll the ancient ♪

♪ Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Na Na Na-Na-Na-Na ♪

Because of everything that's happening

and the Book of Claus, I no longer think

that my grandpa's crazy. He might be

the only sane person in this town.

According to this,

everything should be over

in a little more

than... four hours.

What is it with you and Caulk

How ridiculous! He sucks.

Caulk?

That's not Captain Caulk.

Its Santa!

We gotta get out of

here now! Floor it!

Okay, under the seat!

Get my father's gun!

He's gone!

Oh my God!

- Bullets! There's no bullets!

- Where is he Where is he?

- What the hell are you doing?!

- Trying to make it harder.

Yeah? For him or me?

- Now what?

- Here.

- Unlock the barrel.

- Huh?

Just break it open!

Put the shell into the breech.

Put the bullet in the hole!

- "Top Gun"!

- What?

Slam on the breaks and

let him fly right by.

Now step on it!

Damn it!

Here, hold this.

Let's go!

Come on, hurry up.

Grandpa! Grandpa!

Mr. Yuleson! Mr. Yuleson!

Grandpa! Basement,

he's in the basement.

The Day of Slayings. You

were right, Grandpa.

- I'm so sorry I doubted you.

- Were the two of you followed here?

Kids, did Santa Claus

follow you here?

He tried to pull us over

and-and Nicholas shot him!

You shot Santa?!

- What is this place?

- How much time to we have, Grandpa?

Uh, it'll be midnight at the Pole

in three hours and eight minutes.

If Santa followed you here,

we're all in great danger.

I've built this as a

shelter, not a fortress.

What are those people doing here?

- Who carols?

- Especially during the day.

- I'm gonna go warn them.

- Mary, wait. Nicky...

I'll go get her.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ - All is calm... - Go ♪

♪ home! Get out of here! ♪

♪ - All is...♪

- Run away! Santa's on the loose!

Excuse me.

Downstairs!

Come on, we have to

get out of here now!

We're trapped in a

closet on Christmas

with Santa trying to murder

us. How fucked up is that?

Watch your language Nicky.

Oh your biggest concern

now is the word fuck?

I gave this to Shaun

Mackenzie in 87, Shh queer

- What are we gonna do?

- Mary, be a dear

and fetch me that can

of Tinactin there.

Oh, genius, we'll use some Tough

Actin' Tinactin on Santa.

What are the chances of

calming Claus down when we

- cure him of his athlete's foot?

- Mary, please.

Okay, you're crazy again.

- Here.

- What do these do?

These are gonna do us a

lot of good in here.

Besides, how are we even

gonna get to the garage?

Have faith, Nicky, and follow me.

Nicholas, I'm scared.

I know. You're doing a

good job of faking it.

We only have to make it in

another 2.5 more hours.

- Then we should be okay.

- I'm still scared.

Voilà.

We'll head towards the Hell's Bells

and alert everybody we can find.

Now, fire up these bad babies

and let's get out of here.

You've really let

yourself go, haven't ya?

What are you packing around, there?

An extra two bills, I bet.

Mrs. Claus, she's

one hell of a cook.

Not much of a

hairdresser, though.

Oh, I've waited a long

time for this day.

Not half as long as I have.

Unfortunately, your time

is about to expire.

So you're done spreading joy

and warming the hearts

of children everywhere?

I hate children!

For centuries,

I've received millions

of their letters,

and now I'm free to hunt down

every last one of those brats.

Such a long time and

nothing learned.

Enough! There's only one thing

that can make this Dag

of Mort complete.

- Nicky, go!

- I won't leave you. Get on!

Grandpa!

No!

Aww, grandpa got run

over by a reindeer.

Get on!

♪ Christmas time, ♪

♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ - Up there, up there! ♪

♪ - Christmas time, Christmas time ♪

Ho ho ho!

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ Santa was nice to me ♪

♪ The streets of the town were ♪

♪ paved with presents on me ♪

- You got to get out of the open.

- Really?

The woods! Head for the woods.

♪ Chopping down all our trees ♪

♪ I wonder whatever happened ♪

♪ To Christmas time for me ♪

Aaah!

Yeah, we got to get

out of the woods.

You think?

Aah!

Hold on!

♪ Christmas time, ♪

♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ Christmas time, ♪

♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ Christmas time, ♪

♪ Christmas time ♪

Next time, I'm driving!

Next time?

Pull!

Oh my God!

- Look out!

- Look out!

Sorry!

- Run away! Santa's on his way!

- What the...

- Santa's coming. Get out of here!

- Run for your life!

- Look out!

- Run for your life!

- Save yourself!

- Damn kids!

Minister!

Sorry, okay, here we go.

Ready and one and two

and three and...

What the hell?

- No!

- Look out, Harry!

Move, you skanks!

Holy shit!

Nicholas, get off the sidewalk!

Okay!

Sweet Jesus!

I see you've met my hell deer.

What in God's name are you doing?

Why, I'm just trying to spread

a little Yuletide fear.

What do we do now?

We make ourselves scarce

and we hope and we pray

that the "12 Days of

Christmas" song is bullshit.

We got to go now!

Oh.

Think you better find something

else there, Superman.

Great, he'll never find us now.

Okay, shut your hole and

help me through this window.

All right... you're going

to need to suck it in.

You're going to need

to push from the top.

I swear to God, Nicholas!

Am I going to have to make

every first move in

this relationship.

- How much time do we have?

- The clock's in my backpack.

- What's this?

- It's a nutcracker.

- You think?

- Don't pull that!

My grandpa must have

slipped it in there.

It was the last thing

he was working on.

Look, there's a tag on it.

A Christmas present?

He loved you a lot.

58 minutes, that's it.

So what's the plan?

Just hide out and wait

for Christmas to pass?

He'll be here soon.

He's just going to keep killing.

We have to try and stop him.

I don't think he's unstoppable.

You saw what happened on the truck,

when I shot him.

We have two choices...

defense or offense.

We can be defensive and

try to distract him

until midnight when

he's powerless,

or we can go on the

offense and lead him back

towards those skeet shooters and

finally put an end to Christmas.

Let's take a swing.

Let's get out of here.

This time we use the door.

- Shit, it's out again.

- Well keep hitting it.

It's cashed.

You call this a practical gift?

A practical gift

would be batteries.

Yeah, that's really

helpful right now, Mac.

- That was you, right?

- Mm-mmm.

Who's your daddy?

Father Christmas.

Come on let's go!

- Where to?!

- Anywhere!

Forget about earlier. Let's go

with the defensive chicken plan.

- Maybe we should split up!

- How cliche of you!

Oh hell no!

Let's just hide.

Sssh.

Not a creature is stirring?

Christmas can sure scare

the Dickens out of people.

Oh. Oh.

Goddamn it, that really hurt!

Quit using the Lord's

name in vain, A-hole.

You sound just like my grandpa,

except for the A-hole part.

- Whoa!

- Aaaah!

You okay, Nicholas?

My head hurts.

Oh, come over here, you baby man.

I still can't believe that we're being

hunted by Santa of all f-ing people.

I thought he was

supposed to be jolly?

Well maybe its the killing

that's making him so jovial.

Sorry.

Look we're going to

get through this.

We'll be home safe soon.

I just realized

that I have no one.

I'm so sorry, Nicholas.

You have me.

Besides, I know your grandfather

will always be looking after you.

But whatever happens, I'm

glad that I'm with you.

I just love how the holidays

always seem to bring

people closer together.

I'm Santa Claus! Not

fucking Dracula!

Again, the foolish archangel,

Hellsgate Yuleson.

The only angel to give up his

immortality for an earthly woman.

I'm beginning to feel a little

more like my old self again.

Wicked, your

grandfather's an angel.

I told you he'd look after you.

I swear I'll never take the

Lord's name in vain again.

You're forgiven, Nicholas.

Sorry I couldn't have made you

death a more painful one.

How did you know I'd find you?

You said you'd go to

Hell and back to find me

once the bet was over.

So I moved to Hell Township.

Is your grandfather

always so literal?

I had to make sure

you would honor our wager.

It was easy to find you.

"Dear Santa,"

I've been a good boy nearly

every day this year.

I wanted to see you at the mall,

but my grandfather finished

curling practice too late.

I don't think he

really wanted to go,

so I'm writing you this

letter to tell you

what I would like for Christmas.

Can I please have

a mini-bake oven?

"Sincerely, Nicholas Yuleson"

29 Meadowlark Lane.

Hell Township.

Let the boy go. It's

me you really want.

On the contrary, I knew the boy

would lead me to you and he did.

Now that he's the last

remaining Yuleson...

Why don't we settle this, Claus?

Care to redeem yourself?

This time,

I set the stakes.

If I win, there's no

more Day of Slayings.

It's back to being

good once and for all.

- How 'bout it?

- When you lose,

you will enter that hell hole

and your soul will be

enslaved for all of eternity.

- How about that?

- Grandpa!

Nicky, just remember,

the only worth-while gifts

are practical ones.

Go!

Damn!

I hope you enjoyed

your little furlough.

Now, let's finish this.

- Grandpa!

- Aaaaah!

- Grandpa!

- Yes!

Not to worry. You'll

be joining him

soon enough.

The clock just struck

midnight at the Pole.

Christmas is officially

over for you, Santa.

You know,

most people make

the same mistake.

The correct time at the Pole

is completely discretionary

because the Poles are

where all the time zones

actually converge.

He's scary, yet educational.

So, what I'm saying,

nitwits,

is that Christmas is over

when I say it's over.

Chest-nut.

Hello?

Let's turn up the heat!

I'm roasting!

Here, give me your

hand. I got you!

Pull!

Merry Christmas to all

and to all good night.

Remember me?!

Come on! Pull, Mac!

Get back in line!

Ha!

Honey, I had the most

terrible nightmare.

Visions of sugarplums?

So, is everyone okay?

I'm fine, but I think you

have some explaining to do.

Okay.

My boy,

I loved your grandmother

very, very much.

What powers I had, I

lost all for her.

I'm telling you, kids,

Santa's bluffing.

He's powerless now.

Let's go after him and put an

end to this once and for all.

What do you say?

- Okay, Yeah! We'll go..

- Grandpa?

- I don't believe I can cross.

I can't leave you,

Grandpa. Not again.

I don't recall raising a sally!

Now go! I promise

I'll be around.

Time to go on the offense.

The bears eat salmon.

They stand there all damn day and

wait for those fish to jump up.

I wouldn't touch 'em though.

That time of year, they

look like monsters.

Their muzzles are all

disgusting and everything.

Hey. Hey, there's that asshole

who blew by here earlier.

And my baby sister.

- Come on, we need your help.

- What?

Come on, hurry up.

How would you like to tell

everyone in your park...

your block, that you have a

bird deer mounted on your wall?

What do you mean?

I'm sure half of you guys

have been dreaming about this

your entire lives.

Hunting a flying buck?

And you know where one is?

Just get ready. I'm going to

give the special bird deer call.

The little prick was right.

It's a reindeer.

- Come on, man.

- Load up, load up.

You're going down

in history.

Here. You can do it.

- Oh!

- Yeah!

- Ah!

- Oh!

Whooo-hoooo!

Daddy?

Hi, sweetheart!

Daddy, where did you

get that bazooka?

Vinnie gave it to

me for Christmas.

He'd been saving

up his llama loot.

Isn't it great?

It only cost me a lung.

And your vocal chords.

That sure looks like Santa to me.

I guess Christmas is over.

Santa's stuck on the North Pole.

Mac!

It's Pastor Timmons.

Pastor Timmons is the

psycho Santa guy?

What a scandal. I was

one of his alter boys.

What?

All right, everyone stand back.

Things are about to

get a little messy.

And make sure you

include in your report

that the light anti-tank

weapon is registered.

- Thank you.

- Let's go bag the stag.

Hey, Mary! You

want to come help?

No, you have fun, Daddy.

Why didn't you say anything?

Christmas is over,

Santa's gone. Why should

they live in fear?

Maybe he's still out

there I don't know.

I think my saga's just beginning.

Hey, I think your dad left this.

He'll probably need it.

I got you.

Hey, and I got you.

Yeah, but you hit like a girl.

Yeah, well you kiss like a guy.

So... Mr. Satan.

Actually, that's "Shatan."

Oh, like the hockey player.

Well, we have you

connecting in Winnipeg and...

continuing on too...

Borneo Airport, North Pole.

That's correct.

How many bags do you

have to check, sir?

Just one.

Has your... sack

been out of your sight at all?

Well, just have a seat.

We'll board in 10 minutes.

Can I help the next

person, please?

One two three...

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ I ain't going to cry ♪

♪ You killed my Gramps and ♪

♪ you're trying to kill me ♪

♪ I hope your sleigh ♪

♪ goes down in the sea ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ I know it's too bad ♪

♪ I thought you were sweet and ♪

♪ nice, but I think we've been had ♪

♪ If you were to go ♪

♪ on a terror run ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm glad we shot ♪

♪ you down with a gun ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ I bet you ate Rudolph, ♪

♪ I bet you killed him ♪

♪ I bet you tore Dasher ♪

♪ up limb by limb ♪

♪ I just have a question, ♪

♪ I just can't see ♪

♪ Why you got to be ♪

♪ so mean to me ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ I ain't going to cry ♪

♪ You killed my Gramps and ♪

♪ you're trying to kill me ♪

♪ I hope your sleigh ♪

♪ goes down in the sea ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye ♪

♪ Bye bye, Santa ♪

♪ Santa, bye bye. ♪

♪ Deck the halls with ♪

♪ boughs of holly ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ 'Tis the season ♪

♪ to be jolly ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Na Na Na, Na Na ♪

♪ Na, Na Na Na ♪

♪ Troll the ancient ♪

♪ Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ See the blazing ♪

♪ Yule before us ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Strike the lamp and ♪

♪ join the chorus ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪

♪ Na Na Na, Na Na Na, Na Na Na ♪

♪ While I tell of ♪

♪ Yuletide treasure ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Deck the halls with ♪

♪ boughs of holly ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Na Na Na, Na Na ♪

♪ Na, Na Na Na ♪

♪ Troll the ancient ♪

♪ Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na naaa, ♪

♪ Na Na Na Na ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit, ♪

♪ down river style ♪

♪ From the Straits of Gibraltar ♪

♪ to the tip of Belle lsle ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit, ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ It's a family reunion ♪

♪ just aspects of me ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit ♪

♪ It's going to blow your mind ♪

♪ Santa don't have nowhere ♪

♪ to park his sleigh ♪

♪ With the crumbling rooftops ♪

♪ and the urban decay ♪

♪ Ain't got no chimney ♪

♪ to crawl down ♪

♪ And if he don't bring ♪

♪ Rudolph, just shoot him down ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit ♪

♪ It's going to blow your mind ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit ♪

♪ has a down river style ♪

♪ From the Straits of Gibraltar ♪

♪ to the tip of Belle lsle ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit, ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ It's a family reunion ♪

♪ just aspects of me ♪

♪ Christmas in Detroit ♪

♪ It's going to ♪

♪ blow your mind. ♪

Who's next?