Santa with Muscles (1996) - full transcript

An evil millionaire believes he is Santa Claus after an accident renders him amnesiac.

Dear Santa,

how are you?

I'm not doing so well.

There's this really,

really bad man

named Ebner Frost

who lives up on the hill.

He's got these weird people

working for him,

and I think they're gonna

do something really bad

this Christmas.

Ho ho ho.

Ho ho ho.

Ho ho ho.

I don't want anything

for me this Christmas,

Santa, but things have been

kind of hard for my friends

and the people in my town.

Mr. Frost and his men

have been real bullies

to everyone in Lakeville.

That's where I live.

We used to be a happy town,

but now people are moving away

'cause Mr. Frost has been

so mean to them.

And now he's trying

to take our Orphanage

away from us

and nobody can stop him!

It might not be much,

but it's the only home

we know.

I know you're really busy

this time of year,

but I just thought

that since you're going

to be in the neighborhood

anyway, maybe you could

stop by a little early

this year and help us.

If Rudolph or your other

reindeer aren't ready,

you could take a car

or a bike or..

Hey, you,

come back here!


our Christmas Tree!

Hey, come back here!

I'm afraid that,

with the way things are going,

this might be

the last Christmas I spend

with my friends.

I know it's only a few days

until Christmas,

but please hurry.

Yours truly,

Elizabeth Bentley Walsh.

P.S., I hope you're

really out there, Santa.

Never stop to smell

the roses!



Ha ha.

Free omelet.

Very nice.



Four minutes...

23 seconds.


How did I do?

Oh, great!

Wonderful, Boss!

Tremendous. Magnificent!

You're the best.


If you guys are bucking

for a Christmas bonus,

forget it.

4:23? You call that exercise?

Better cut down

on my cholesterol.

Yes, Sir.

Oh... Make a note, Chas.

My picture on the can

isn't big enough.

And have then make me

more tan.

Yes? Of course.


You guests have arrived, Sir.

Figures. Business always

calls when you're having fun.

Hmm. That should be

another one of Blake's Rules.

Make a note, Chas.

Make it rule number...

What number are we up to now?


Right. Make it 386..

"Never mix business

with pleasure."

Ooh, I'm hot today!

Better write that one

down, Chas.

The rules are important, Guys.

What would we have

without Blake's Rules, anyway?


Chaos, Mr. Thorne.

We would have chaos.

Pierre, rule number 105.

Yes, Sir! "Never give

an inch, especially when

you can take one."

Franco, 91?

"Never lend a hand.

You might need it later."

Which reminds me, Sir...

One of those nonprofit

organizations called inquiring

about a Christmas Fundraiser

they want to hold here

at the mansion.

After all, it is Christmas.

Haven't you learned anything?

If you give them a taste,

they want more.

If you want to do them a favor,

send them some of those

carbohydrate bars

that aren't selling anyway,

and Chas, don't forget..

To write it off, Sir.

Good man, Chas.

Okay, Guys, let's go kick

some paintball butt.

Let's roll!

We're outta here!

Guys, let's hit it!

All right!

I'm gonna get him!

Watch out!

Blake, come on!

They are gonna be history.

Of course before

the time limit runs out,

but you still have to get

the other team's flag.

That about covers it. Ready?


Never trust the enemy, Captain.

Hey, that's not fair!

Get him!

Too rich and too quick.

Boop boop boop boop.

Boop boop boop boop ehhhnk!

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo ehhhnk!



Sheriff! I mean, Dispatch!

We got massive guns

out here on 43.

It must be Militia

or terrorists!

Send everything you got!

I'm rolling! Come on, Baby!

Hey, why don't you

just pull over?

Rule number 20..

"Never Surrender."

Besides, this is fun.

Give me your paint gun.



Hey. Hey!

Watch it! Watch it!

We'll lose them in Lakeville.

There's a million places

to hide.

I grew up there.

Do we have any news

on Mr. Claus?

No, but I got a midget

in a clown suit.


Rule number 21:

"When in doubt, get out."


Santa! Santa!

Santa! Santa! Santa!

No, don't worry about it.

I raise you one king.

How's it looking out there?

Pretty bad?

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no problem.

It's no problem.

I just ran into a streak

of bad luck, that's all.

I'll have the money for you

today, I promise. Uh...

Listen up. I've got 50 bucks

for the first elf

that brings me Santa Claus.

We can do that, huh?

It appears my luck

may have just changed.

I'll call you.

Receive payment from Lenny

today, or cause

mass hemorrhaging.

Hi! I'm Dr. Blight,

Mr. Frost's personal physician.

Mr. Frost will be with you

in just a moment.


Get me out of here!

Get me down!

Anything I can get you?

Coffee, tea, aspirin?


Good. Enjoy!

Hey, what are you doing?

Let me down!

Mr. Rapini, I'm Ebner Frost.

I'm so glad you could make it.

I do hope we can reach

an agreement on the sale

of your shoe store.

I'm not selling

my shoe store!

Get me out of here!

Where are you going?

No! Don't leave me!


How unfortunate.

Well, since you're going

to be hanging around

a while, let me introduce you

to my staff of scientists.

Don't be disturbed by the fact

they've been kicked out

of some of the finest

universities in the world.

They've always just been

a little ahead of their time...

And the law.

Allow me to introduce you

to the world-renowned

geologist, Mr. Flint.

Nice to meet ya.

You are going to make

such an interesting fossil.

Canadian chemist,

Mr. Vial.

Some find the scent

of methane gas offensive,

but I like to think of it

as nature's perfume.

The electrifyingly

beautiful Ms. Watt.

Ah! Spring!

I'll give you all a chance

to get acquainted.

Did we look that way?

I don't know where he went.

I can't believe it.

Come on! Let's try over here.


Oh, excuse me, Santa.

You haven't seen some crazy guy

in army fatigues come through

here, have you?

Well, no, Officer,

nothing like that.

Well, uh, keep your eyes peeled

and Merry Christmas.

Ho ho ho.

Now, we know this joker

is around here...


How do we find this guy?

We gotta just throw a cover

over this thing

and smoke him out.

Santa, I thought

I missed you!

Yeah. If you hurry,

you still can.

Do you have a minute?

Fax me, you little brat.

That's weird.

Th-that's him. Freeze!

Let's get him!

All right, where'd he go,

up the chimney?

I think he's up

in the air conditioning ducts.

The ducts! Did you see

the size of that guy?

I think he went

underneath the floors.

The floor?

This is a cement floor!

Think, Barn!

Oh, and your idea was better?

Oh, yeah, sure.


He can't just disappear.

I'm not gonna be the one

to tell the Chief

we lost Santa.

No. I'm not gonna let

this guy get away

with Santa fraud.

Come on!


Ho ho no!

Another drunk Mall Santa.

Well, you'll do.

You're a big one, aren't you?


Ho ho!

Merry Christmas!

Very Merry Christmas!

I'm rich!

And Mr. Frost won't

pulverize me.

And a snappy dresser, too.

Why, don't mind if I do.

Oh, answer to my prayers!

Thank you!

Thank you, Mr. Uh!!!

Blake Thorne?

Richest man... In ten states?

Blake Thorne?


Whoo! I'm rich!

I'm richer than rich!

I'm too rich!

Visa, Mastercard.

American Express!

A-whoo, a-whoo, a-whoo, a-whoo.

Merry Christmas to all...

And to all good night!

Who are you?

Lenny. How ya doing?

I work here.

Doing the elf thing, you know?

Y-you okay?

I think so. Uh...

I was going to, uh...

To the North Pole!

Am I right?

You know, the kids

are waiting for you.

I'll take you there.

We'd better hurry.

Otherwise, you're gonna be

really late, Mr. Uh..

Mr. Uh.. you know, I didn't

catch your name.

You okay?

I really don't remember.

It's on the tip of my tongue.




You're Santa Claus. Santa!

No. Yes!

No. Yes!

No. Yes! Hello!

Look at you.

Come here. Come here.

Look! Who else would you be?

You got the little hat,

you got the beard,

you got the gloves.

Hey, see? It's Christmastime.

Come here to spread a little

of that holiday cheer.

Come on, Man.

Uh, uh, I mean, Sir.

We have a lot work to do.

Santa? Are you sure?

Hey, who's the one

who got hit on the head, huh?


Ooh, uh, sorry

about that, Chief.

Let's go. I'll explain it

to you on the way.

Work with me.

Here we go.

Nice and easy.

Oh oh oh!

Ah! All right, I got ya.

Santa! Santa! Santa!

Losers, Santa.

Santa, losers.

Aw, man!

Oh, gee!

Okay, Big Guy.

Now, you're on.

Now, remember to smile,

say "Ho ho ho" a lot,

and most importantly,

promise them anything.

It's showtime.

Watch your head!

Low ceiling coming out.

They love you.

Well, it's about time.

Elf, take Santa to his throne!

You're on.

Santa, his first name.

Who are you?

David. You knew that.

You been good this year?

Yeah, sort of.

And, uh, what's your name,

little girl?

Susan. And I want

a Magic Mary Townhouse

with a swimming pool,

cars, and a horse stable.

And a new makeup set

and a CD Walkman

because my best friend

Kathy has one.

And a new Barbie doll.




You look beautiful today,

little girl.

What can Santa get you

for Christmas?

Um... Um, you know,

one of those.

Oh, a golf ball.


Uh, pocketknife.


Electric razor?




Let go!

I was here first!

No, you weren't!

Santa! Get off me!

Get the money. Go. Bye.

Welcome, Mr. Thorne,

to the United Banking System's

Print-Secure Teller.

Place your thumb on the scanner

for fingerprint identification.

Doh! No! No!

I'm sorry, the user's

thumbprint does not match

Mr. Blake Thorne.

I hate progress. No no no!

How you doing?

Little problem with the...

Would you hurry up?

My mom could've done this..

Give me a hand, Genius.

This thing's heavy.

Hello. Afternoon, Ladies.


Move, you tool.

Hurry up.

Now, pick up as much as you can.

What are you doing?

We're Santa's Little Helpers,

and we're gonna take this money

to the Orphanage for him.

Beat it, Kid.

You are not!

We are too!

Get lost before we tell Santa

you're a bad little girl.


You be good.

Santa'll be right back.


Someone's been very naughty.

What are you gonna do

about it, Santa?

Give me a lump of coal?

Watch out!

Santa, watch out!

How about two lumps?

Look, Santa's beating

some guy up!

Yay, Santa!

Watch out, he's got

a candy cane!


You see, Kids?

It pays to be nice.

Anybody want to help

Santa clean up?


That was very nice.

And he could be very helpful.

Hey, hey, hey!

Good work, Boss.

I knew you had it in you.

You know, I was gonna help you,

but I, uh, you know.

Anyway, hey.

If you could just come over here

for just a minute, there's

something I'd like to show you.

The Mission.

They need help, Lenny.

We should go.

Yeah, yeah, we, uh,

we, uh, we should go there...

Someday. But first..

We should go there.

We should go right now.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Got something nice for you.

Come on, Santa.

Go home!

Don't you have parents?

You know,

you're absolutely right.

The Mission could be kind of

like your local office.

L-let's get outta here.

If I'm Santa,

where's my sleigh?

It's getting new brakes,

and Rudolph's got

this stomach thing.

I got something better.

Let's ride!

Bye, Santa!

Oh, did you see that?

Ahem. Here's the file

on the Rapini sale, Sir.

Did you...

Get these disinfected?

Do you have any idea

how many germs can fester

on a piece of paper?

I've a feeling this Rapini

fellow's not going to sell.

I'll sell!

I'll sell! I'll sell!

I'll sell! I'll sell!

I knew we could work things

out in an amicable manner.

Oh, and remember to be out

by Christmas.

Thank you.

Yes! Blight?

Now our plans

are almost complete.

I still have one last headache.

The Orphanage.

Round up the troops

and see if we can convince

our little friends to adopt

a new attitude.

"Adopt!" That's a good one, Sir.

Ahem. I'll just get the spray.

You sure this scooter's

gonna make it to the Orphanage?

Doctor's note:

Never let Flint drive.

Good afternoon, Leslie.

What do you want?

Oh, we just dropped by

to see how your relocation

plans are going.

Any way we can be of help?

You're so full of it.

Just leave us alone.

Why don't you just

disappear forever?

We'll be around

if you need us.

Please, don't hesitate

to call me.

In your dreams.

Come inside, children.


What are you staring at?

Get back to work.

What's going on?

Where is he going?

Get the heck outta here!

Where do you get off

coming to our homeless shelter?

Be careful, Clay!

You better stop there,

or you're gonna have to..

Come and get it!

Don't! Oh!

Why aren't we moving?



Merry Christmas, Santa!

It's, uh...

Santa! Cool!

Yeah. Let's go!


Wow, that was awesome!

How'd you do that?

See, I told you Santa

would answer my letter!

Looks like we owe you

a debt, Mr., uh...


Uh, I guess you can

call me Santa.

Well, the least

we can do is offer you dinner.

Do you have time?


Sure. They can't start

Christmas without me.

Can they?

Santa, you saved

my life, Man.

I was a goner, Man.

Santa, sit next to me!

Here. I bet you had

a long trip.

Thank you, um...


I wrote you the letter.

I guess you get

a lot of letters.

Uh, I think so.

Wait right there!

I'll be right back.

You have to cut Elizabeth

some slack.. She still

believes in that stuff.

She also believes

in the Tooth Fairy

and the Easter Bunny.

My name is Sarah,

and that's Taylor.

Hey, Kid, how's it going?

Lenny's my name.

Hello, Santa.

I'm Leslie Morgan.

I run this place...

Or at least I try to, anyway.

Thank you for what you did.

That was a very stupid thing

you did out there, Santa,

but I'm glad you did.

Hey, if had been 20 years

younger, I'd have done

the same myself!

Hey, look here.

Leslie, she may run this place,

but I'm the one who keeps it

in one piece.

Clayton is the name.

Well, thanks, everybody.

I'm really glad to be here.

I'm really not sure why...

But I saw the sign at the mall

and for some reason I thought

I might be needed here.

Who were those guys, anyway?

The scientists?

Oh, they work for Mr. Frost.

He's been clearing out

the whole neighborhood,

and no one knows why.

Now he wants the Orphanage.

And he'll get it, too.

Shut up! He will not.

Sounds like

a very naughty boy.


Oh ho ho, thank you!

What's the matter, Santa?

Don't you like chocolate chip?

I don't think so.

I mean, are these good

for you with all the fat and...

Santa, don't you remember

you love cookies?

Oh, yeah!

Mrs. Claus has to hide them

from him.. Otherwise,

he blows up like a blimp. Ooh!


Here, have some milk.

Is this low-fat?

Okay, everybody, let's set

the table and wash.

It's jerk chicken night!

Yay! Whoo!

Okay, everybody, let's march.

Let's march.

And the guy says...

One of Santa's Helpers,

and this guy's got a nose ring

the size of a donut,

you know what I'm saying?


Hey, hey, I'm talking

jelly-filled here!

So Santa decides to give them

both an aerial tour

of the North Pole. Whee!

Hey, uh, Santa, uh,

do you have a place

to stay tonight?

Leslie, can we

keep him, please?

Elizabeth, he's not a dog.

Ruff ruff! What about me?

All right, all right,

but they're not going to be able

to stay for long, Elizabeth.

Christmas is only three days

away, and Santa's going

to be very busy.

Yay! Thank you, Leslie.

Yeah, well, we're pretty much

closed down, anyways.

See, we found a home

for all of the kids

that we could.

We're the leftovers.

Santa, you take any one

of those empty rooms, okay?

I think it's time

that I put the kids to bed.

Good night.

Good night.

Thanks for dinner.

For later.

Good night, Santa.

Come on, Elizabeth.

Good night.


Santa! Hello!

Santa! Big Red!

Shall we?

Nice jammies.

Uh, I'm sorry about

the pajamas, Santa,

but that's all we had.

They're gonna patch up

your Santa outfit,

and we're gonna have them

both ready by tomorrow.

Good night.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

You look great.

You look like a leftover

from last year's

Christmas play.

Eee! Look at you.

You look ridiculous.

At least mine

doesn't have a tail.

Am I a sheep?

Am I a bunny?

Which one of these two things?

Don't worry!

You're Santa.

Give it a rest, will ya?

Thank you.


Good night, Santa.

Just the way I like it.

You know...

Good morning, Santa!

I saved you a seat over..

Santa! You forgot your, uh...

Uh... Uh...

You know, th-this is

a-a very funny story.


Uh, Mrs. Claus says it

tickles, so I just wear it

for deliveries.

Ha ha! There it is.

Oh, hey, Santa, look.

Read the front page.

Yeah, you're quite a hero,


You know, Santa, I can't help

thinking I know you

from somewhere.. I-I mean,

other than the mall.

Delicious this way.

Mm! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Oh, you'll have to try it.

Oh! That's the end of it.

Sorry. Try the crunch berries.

They're even better. Fantastic.

Guess I'll just recycle this.

Recycling, Kids.

It's just the right thing to do.

He's right.

Welcome, Lenny, to the United

Banking System's

Print-Secure Teller.

For $100 gazillion,

please place your stolen

thumbprint on the scanner.

Thank you for doing business

with us, and have a nice life

in South America.

Let me give you a hand.

I... Always try and help people

out as much as I can.

Well, thank you.

Hey, I'll wash, you dry.

So, what are you

gonna do now?

Well, what do you think

Santa would do?

Well, I think Santa

would do nice things,

like helping people,

spreading Christmas Spirit..

You know, following

all the Santa Rules.

Santa Rules?

Of course! You know!

Oh, I get it.

It's a test!

Okay, it's like this.

There's are things

you always do,

and things you never do.

But it's just that some people

only follow those rules

around Christmastime.

You always help someone

less fortunate than you.

You never turn your back

on someone in need.

When in doubt, help out.

And act the way you do

at Christmas all year round.

Hmm. Santa Rules.

I like that.

Bye, Santa.

I fixed up your suit,

Mr. Claus.

It's pretty ripped up.

I even made a few improvements.


Yeah. I gave it a more

continental look.


I shortened the sleeves

to freedom of movement,

I gave it a V-neck,

and a utility belt

for Super Santa!


Do you like that?

This is great, Sarah.


Where'd you learn to do this?

Mega Man #96!

Hoo hoo hoo!

Cool duds, eh?

Wait a minute,

where are my threads?

Keep your pants on, Q-Tip.

I'm getting there. Jeez.

Excuse me.


No problem.

I'll get it.

Good morning.

I'm Helen Chu with News 8.

We heard that the, uh,

Santa with muscles lives here

and we wanted to do

a big feature on him.

Is he available?

Uh, well, meet you

in the courtyard in, uh,

just a moment.

By the way, how much do we

get paid for this?

Good morning, Lakeville.

We've all heard the song

"Santa Claus is coming to town."

Well, Santa isn't coming.

He's already here

at the Lakeville Church

of the Light Orphanage.

This Santa With Muscles

not only foiled a robbery

at the Lakeville Mall yesterday,

but he also thwarted vandals

here at the Mission.

Santa Claus, may we have

a word, please?

We're live on Channel 8.

Welcome to Lakeville, Santa.

So, tell us..

How did you get here?



Um, well, uh...


Uh, sleigh?


The reindeer brought me here.

Of course, but, Santa,

you look so much more healthy

than you did last year.

Tell us what's your secret.


I love... To eat a lot

of reindeer meat.


Just kidding, Helen.

Um, I just.. I try to laugh

a lot every day. Heh!

Ho ho ho.

There's a new Santa in town,

and I know if you've been

naughty or nice...

So be nice!

Uh, S-Santa,

thank you very much,

but, uh, we.. We got

a schedule to keep,

and, gosh, you know

how busy we are.

Back to you, Helen.

Ho ho ho!

I'm Helen Chu, reporting

from Lakeville Orphanage.

Now back to you in the studio.

Yes, thank you, Santa,

for putting the Orphanage

on the map!

Let me ask you something,

Dr. Blight.

Does he remind you of anyone?

Something about him

seems familiar.

Of course. I saw him

last year at this time.

And the year before that.

You know what I'm

talking about!


I just can't put my finger

on it yet, but I will.


Ho ho ho ho ho! Ooh!

Welcome, Mr. Thorne,

to the United Banking System's

Print-Secure Teller.

Place your thumb on the scanner

for fingerprint identification.

You betcha!

Oh, Leonard, you are a genius!

I'm sorry, that is

your right thumb.

Please place your left thumb

on the scanner.

Hey, will you give me a sec?

How ya doin'?

Mr. Frost requests

your presence.

No problemo.

I'll just, uh..

Now, Lenny.

Now's good.

Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Easy with the jacket!

Into the van, Elf Boy.



What do you think

you're doing?

Mr. Frost! Pleasure

to see you, Sir.

I was just working

on repaying that loan.

You're making trouble

for me, you little worm.

The last thing I need is anyone

drumming up support

for that Orphanage.

I want that Santa With Muscles

outta there.

Am I coming in clearly?!

We have a very good

connection, Sir.

I understand every word.

No more talk!

In the North Pole.

I just want him gone.

Dump him.

Well, Mr. C., time for us

to push on.

What about your scooter?

Oh, it's, uh, better now.

Isn't that the darndest thing?

Besides, can't have you

spending all your Christmas

Cheer in one place.

Have to spread it around,

you know?

Hop on. Good Santa.


I'm not leaving.


They still need me here.

I'm dead.

♪ For all of time

♪ Angel Baby

♪ You're so fine

♪ Angel Baby

♪ Mine for all of time

♪ Angel Baby ♪

I remember that song.

I know it's not the kind

of song I'm supposed

to sing here, but I think

my mom sang it to me.

If I sing it just right,

I might be able to wake up

the fairies in the window.


Leslie says the church

has magic windows.

People use to come

from all over to see them work.

Nobody comes anymore, though.

I used to think

that when they lit up,

it meant my mom was listening.

Does Santa have a mommy

and daddy?

I must, but...

I-I don't remember.

I don't remember

my parents, either.


Why not take it off?

You don't mind?

Even if you don't have

a beard, you'd still

be Santa, right?

Let's try that song again.

Do you know it?

Start me off.

♪ I'll always remember

♪ The time I spent with you

♪ November, December

♪ April, May, and June

♪ You were my Angel Baby

♪ You're so fine

♪ Angel Baby

♪ Mine for all of time

♪ All time ♪


Oh, look.

Ho ho ho!

Ha ha!

Hey, Santa, could you

give me a hand here?

Ho ho ho. Very funny.

I gotcha.

Very funny.

Come help us!

No, we're not

gonna stop...

I'm proud of you, Son.

You finally made something

of yourself, after all.


What happened?

Where did it come from?

It's our statue head.

Oh, I bet you it was...

No! Come on..

Please don't.

They're not after you.

Never turn your back

on someone in need.

A friend of mine once

told me that.

Keep the milk

and cookies warm.

Sarah, come on.

I thought it was Christmas,

not Halloween.

Why don't you go Trick-Or-Treat

somewhere else, Doctor?

Certainly, Santa.

After you.

Shouldn't you

be back in the North Pole

around now?

I strongly suggest that you

return to your next of kin.

This is my family.

Very well.

Oh, what the heck.

I'll wing it.

Patient: Santa Claus.

Complaint: Mm...

Blurry vision.



Beautiful thing.

Do you have the keys?

Patient suffers

from bad tummy aches...


And splitting headaches.

Take one of these

in the morning.

And get plenty of bed rest.

Whoo! Yes!



Way to go! Way to go!

You know, I was gonna help

You but the, uh, door

kind of stuck.

Wow, the way you give him

that.. Ba-bing! Ba-bing!

Come on. Come on.

You know, maybe the man

is right.

Maybe it's time you,

uh, did head back home.

Yeah. Tomorrow's Christmas.

Don't you have to go back

to the North Pole?

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not gonna let anyone

steal our Christmas.

Hey, Guys, where's Taylor?

Oh, yeah.


Uh, yeah...


Come on out of there

wherever you are.




Taylor, this isn't funny.

We're not kidding.

I think I know where he is.

Well, Mr. C.

How we supposed to get

over this, fly on one

of your reindeer, hmm?


Was that necessary?

Okay, okay.

Shut up. Let's go.

Aw, boy. I hope you

appreciate the risk

I'm taking here.

Just remember, when Christmas

Day rolls around, I expect

a little something extra..

You didn't square

the denominator!

If you quantify that data,

you'll see..

You're wrong.

It'll never work.

But I found

the formula for pain!

What are you trying to do,

smother me?

I have a very delicate

metabolism, you know!


Sir, you could leave

the mansion from time to time.

It'd made things a lot easier.

Germs have been hovering

around me my whole life!

No, no, no!

I don't want to...

This is naughty.

But he's even worse.

That doesn't make it right.

I was only trying to be

like you, protecting all of us.

I did what I had to

in self-defense, Taylor.

I'm only tough

when I have to be.

Is that a Santa Rule?

It's my rule. Come on.

Look. Something's going on.

Not by video.

I'm going to be involved

this time.

We're here already,

so let's at least check it out.

Lenny, go with Taylor

back to the bikes.

I'll take a look.

Aw, come on.

That's the most sense

I heard anybody make all night.

Come on, Kid.

Did I ever tell you about

the time Santa and I fought

those two guys at the mall?

Forget about it,

my little friend.


I'm trying to take

your blood pressure.

Well, then, take it!

A little thing

we call a phobia.

Oh, you presume...

That's in your head!

It's in your head, Sir.

Are you listening to me?

Now that I own

all of Lakeville,

I can begin excavation


I've been waiting

a long time for this.

I want what is due me,

and I want it now.

Yes, but, Sir,

aren't you forgetting

one minor detail?

I want that Orphanage cleared

before the last Christmas

Turkey is sliced.

Do you understand me, Doctor?

Sir, your blood pressure.

So, what's under

the Orphanage?

Water and power lines.

Telephone cables.


Rats. Big, ugly rats.

The clubhouse.


Oh, the old catacombs

underneath the church.

Yeah, the kids use it

as a clubhouse.

And there's a big vault

door down there.

A vault.

Now, Kids, we're gonna find out

what Frost wants.

Clayton, what's in that vault

down there?

I don't know. I don't think

it's been open in all the years

I've been here.

We know the combination.

Well, some of it.

Yeah, it's gross and creepy,

just like now.

Oh, shut up.

Here we go.

Be careful.

Watch your step.

It's very dark.

Kids, don't get

too far ahead.


Look at those spider webs!

So, how far did you get

with the combination.

Not that far.

Three numbers.

I'll show you.

This one's eight.

The second number is...

24. Next.

And the third one is...


That's as far as we've gotten.

Eight, 24, 16.

That's right.

What is he doing?

h, my god!

Whoa whoa whoa!

Oh, my god!

Looks okay. I'll lead.

Slow down.

It's beautiful.



It's everywhere!

This has been underneath us

the whole time.

These are what must make

the church windows glow.

These are the fairies?


It's warm.

Oh, put that down, Honey.

You don't know where it's been.


Mom! Mom!

Hey, Guys, I know

what these are.

These are Piezoelectric

Crystals.. I read about them

in my geology book.

They're Quartz Crystals

with natural electricity

in them. Vibrations make them

put out power.

They must be worth millions!


Taylor, put that down.



Told you so.

Everybody out,

and watch your feet!

You don't want to step

on one of those.

Watch your feet!

You coming?

In a minute.

I just want to figure out

how I opened the vault.


You're Santa Claus.

Come on, let's go.

Then Dr. Blight was right.

Why am I not at the North Pole,

then, and how to all the kids

in the world get

their presents tomorrow?

I don't think you want

to ask too many questions.

It only makes trouble.

You're not... Buying

the Santa thing, are you?

All right, you want the truth?

The truth is...

You see this?

You were wearing this

when I found you.

How'd you get blood on you?

I don't know.

I don't ask.

You ask too many questions,

maybe you find out you're

a wanted criminal or something.

Look, I don't have

all the answers,

but those kids,

they need Santa Claus

right now.

Just be Santa.

We'll figure out the rest

later, all right?


Hey, that's

what I'm here for.

Just give me

a couple more minutes.

They're all yours.

See you upstairs?

Thank you.

You got it.

Yo, this is Lenny.

Hello, Lenny.

I'll pay you the money

somehow, Mr. Frost,

but please, I don't

think it's right.

I just.. I just can't.

When I want your opinion,

I'll have it surgically removed.

Mr. Frost, they're keeping

pretty close tabs on me.

Then you'll have

to be sneaky.

You're very good at that,

so listen to me,

you pollutant.


Hey! The lights are out.


What is it? What happened?

He's.. He's in there,

and he's... Oh!

I believe she's trying

to say it's me.

What are you looking at?


Think you're

funny, don't you?


Where did you..

But I thought that..

You guys okay?


You know, I have

a Christmas Wish, Santa.

Get out of my life!


Ho ho ho.

Afraid of heights, Santa?

I can cure that.

Cure this!

Santa, you slay me.

Ho ho ho.

Ho ho ho.

Ho ho ho.

Oh oh ohhhh!

All right!

There, I got my Christmas Wish!

Oh! The picture's

still not big enough.

Oh, man.

What a dream.

Santa Claus...

What a bonehead.

Happy Christmas, Mr. Thorne.

Did we have a good sleep?

What happened?

I was hoping you could

Tell me, Sir.

A gentleman...

Waste disposal engineer,

in fact, he caught sight

of you in his dumpster

and, recognizing you

from your products,

he fetched you back here...

Wearing that.

I was... Santa Claus.

Leslie! The kids!


Operator, connect me

with the Lakeville Orphanage.


Leslie, it's me, uh, Santa.

What do you want?


What do you mean?

Are you and the kids okay?

I remember Dr. Blight

was there and Elizabeth

screamed, and..

And I think I fell

off the roof.

I'm sorry I left you

and the kids.

You're so full of it.

Just leave us alone.

Why don't you just

disappear forever?

That takes care

of Santa the clown.

Assemble the team.

We're taking the Orphanage now.

And the question everyone

is asking is "Where's Santa?"

Lakeville's own Santa

With Muscles has not

been spotted since he

foiled a purse-snatching


It's been wildly speculated

that he's returned

to the North Pole.

Back to you in the studio

and Merry Christmas.

I'm not surprised.

There's no such thing

as Santa.

Hey, little one.

Maybe he did go back

to the North Pole.

Hello, Twinkle Toes.

I could use some help

in the kitchen.

Who is that?

It's okay!

I don't know!

Oh, no!

Aah! Aah!

It's all right, I'm here.

Wait till Santa hears

about this!

He'll kick your butt

to New Year's!



The field is sterilized, Sir.

Merry Christmas to all.

Gentlemen, bring the children.

What do you want with us?

With you, nothing.

I want what's in your vault,

What's under this

whole neighborhood.

You just happen

to be in the way.

Then let us go.

Who's going to do

my mining?

Why, you son of a!!!


There are children present.


Hello, Children.

I'd like you to do a favor

for your Uncle Ebner.

I'd like you to open that vault.

We can't.

We don't know anything.

We're just kids.

You help out

your Uncle Ebner,

and I'll give you

some Christmas cookies,

candy canes, and plum pudding.


Plum pudding?

I tried.

Prepare them for mining!



Oh, by the way, Lenny,

I want to thank you

for letting us in.

I'm sure it was quite

a sacrifice for you.

Lenny? I thought

you were a real elf!

Take them away!

Oh, my god.

Benedict Arnold.


Can't believe you, traitor!

You can open it, can't you?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!



Thanks, Pierre.

Mon Dieu, I never seen

the boss like this.

He loves to hit me.


Santa, it's Lenny.

Lenny! How are you?

I tried to call, but..

Forget it, Big Guy.

There's no time.

Mr. Frost is trying

to take over the Orphanage

with his goon squad.

He's got his pet scientists


He's trying to get in the vault,

and when he does,

he's gonna use the kids

to mine the crystals.

I don't know how long

it's gonna be before..

Ow ow ow.

How's my favorite patient?

Remind me to prescribe

something for that

pounding headache you must have

after that nasty fall!

Remind me to introduce you

to my two little friends,

lefty and righty.

Oh, save it, Santa.

These long-distance phone calls

from the North Pole must be

getting pretty expensive,

so I'll be brief.

Step one foot onto this property

and I'll use your friends

in my next experiment.

Until next year, Santa.

Gentlemen, we have a mission.




Tuck in that trowel.

Very good, Sir.

Pierre, put a shine

on that garlic press,

and clean up that lug wrench.

Okay, mount up.


I got...

All right, men.

Let's go spread

a little Christmas Cheer.

Tell Mr. Frost five minutes!

Do you realize how fast

you were going?

Oh, no. No.

Tougher. Tougher. Tougher.


Turkey Breath, do you realize

how fast you were going?

The terrorists.


We have company, Sir.

Just one?

No problem.

Hmm. More unexpected guests?

We'll just have to handle it

Blake's Way. Pierre?

The first course, please.

Let 'em try some

of Blake's Way salad oil.

No cholesterol.

Only three calories per serving!

And it goes down smooth.

What the???

How 'bout some Blake's Way

Protein Powder

for our little friends?

I was at Desert Storm,

you know!

I'm bad!

I'm a heartbreaker!

I'm a troublemaker!


That'll teach you

to mess with Thomas P. Hinkley.

Is surrender an option, Sir?

What do you think, Chas?

Blake's Rule 20, Sir,

is never surrender.


Which one of you turkeys

is responsible for this?

Not me.

See you, suckers! Ha ha ha!

You take it.


Chas, go to

the back entrance.

I'm gonna find the children

and get the adults upstairs.

What are you doing?

Waving to Santa.

Hi, Santa!


Get him!

You guys okay?


You're not really

Santa Claus, are you?

No, I'm not.

I just thought I was

for a while.

My name is Blake Thorne.

You're not Santa.

You're better.

We have an operation

to carry out.

You guys with me?

Yeah, of course!

Where are the others?

The science geeks

took them upstairs.

Okay, let's try to find them

and let's stay together.


Your weapon, Monsieur.


See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!

Hey! Hey! Whoa!

No, no! Aah!

Yeah, come on!


Oh, whoa.


Let's go find Leslie.

Ho ho ho!

Hey, where'd Blake go?

Hello, Santa.

I'm afraid I've been

terribly, terribly naughty.

No problemo.

I haven't had a good workout

in a week.

In case you haven't noticed,

the odds have changed.


You wouldn't hit a woman.

Would you?

He wouldn't...

But I would.

Aah! Aah!


Lenny, great to see you.


No. Thank you,

Mr. Thorne.

It's all there.

Well, except for

a couple of bucks.


You're not gonna hug me

or nothing, are you?

Let's go find Leslie

and Clayton, come on.

All right.

Well, all you had to do

was knock.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

I am now.

I'm Blake Thorne.

Good to meet ya.

Let's go.

I've got to find

The children.

Uh, Blake, Blake.

I'd like to talk to you

a minute.

Have a seat.

Yeah. Have a seat.

Hey, you lied to her.

Blake Thorne? What's the matter.

Blake Tarachefski

doesn't fit on the bottle?

How did you...?

Isn't it coming back

to you yet, Son?

You grew up here! Look.

Is that me?

There's more.

You see the boy sitting

right next to you?

He was your best friend.

Ebner Frost.

Aw! Do I have to do

everything myself?

Huh? Do I?

"Yes, you do, Percy."

"Why?" "'Cause you surround

yourself with nincompoops

like me." Gah! Wretched.

Mother said there'd be

nights like this.

Nights like this!


Just couldn't stay away

from me, huh?

That's okay, I..

I have that effect on women.

So much has gone on.

I'm so confused.

Well, don't fret.

It just so happens

I'm a specialist in...


of the heart, too.

Oh, are you really, Doctor?

Well, maybe you can give me

some advice.

Why, Leslie.

You certainly are

a different person

when you're away

from those homeless

little losers, aren't you?

Listen, you pig!

Nobody! Talks! About!

My! Kids! That! Way!


Yeah! Yes!

Hey, that's not funny!

Great job!

Now we've gotta get outta here.

What about Blake?

We're a team!

Taylor! Let's go!

Come on! Aah!

Come back here,

you little brats!

I can't let you do

this, Ebby.


What's wrong?

Haven't heard that

since we were kids?


Blake Tarachefski.

So, you're the one

who's been causing all my pain?

Maybe I have, but I'm gonna

put a stop to all of this.

Oh, you're going

to stop me?

You got it.

I got it!


Oh! It's beautiful!


Oh, whoa! Whoa!


These are good folks, Ebby.

Leave 'em alone.

You got a problem with me,

let's take it outside.

Would you shut up already?

Don't flatter yourself.

This is about money!

Lots of money.

What happened, Ebby?

You used to be a good kid.

Spare me the lecture.

While you're off spending

mommy and daddy's millions,

I was rotting away

in this place.

I had to cheat and steal

to claw my way out of here!

While you're up in a mansion

in a hill.

Why don't you go back

to your weight room

and your tanning booth!

Well, you know what?

Being Santa opened my eyes.

I didn't like what I saw.

Oh! Uhh!

Sarah! Elizabeth! Taylor!

I was the one

that should've been adopted.

It's my turn!

Well, now it's my turn

to set you straight.


Too late!

We're not kids anymore.

Come on.

Die! Die!

Well, we can't just sit here!

Come on! Stay here!

I-I could do that.


Ooh ooh! Yeah!


What's happening?

Rapid vibrations are causing

an energy build-up.

English, please.

It's.. It's..

It's gonna blow!

Let's get out of here!

Let's go!

Come on!

Come on, Frost!

Let it go!

Move it!

Oh, come on, Guys.

Move, move, move!

Come on.

Get over here.

Go on, move it.

Push it.

Don't look back.

Come on, Frost.


Come on, Frost.



All right!

Everyone freeze!


Uh, Ma'am, please...

Are we rolling?

Hi, Helen Chu with News 8.

Officer, please tell us

how you finally apprehended

Ebner Frost and his gang.

Well, it wasn't easy, Helen.

May I call you Helen?

Got one more here.

It took exhaustive

investigative reporting.

Excuse me, Helen Chu,

News 8. Can you tell us

who did this to you?

Go away!

I just want to ask

a few questions, Sir.

I guess he'll have a chance

to De-Frost himself!

I'll get you, Santa.

Gonna get you, Santa.

I'm gonna get!!!

Hi, excuse me.

Helen Chu of News 8.

Just a couple of questions...

Ew! Ugh!

Were you responsible

for the explosion earlier?

Are you responsible...

Oh! Ick!

Oh, my sense of smell!

You can't do this!

It's inhuman!

It's unethical!

It.. It.. It stinks in here!

I'm not through

with you, Blake.

I'm just get start..

Merry Christmas, Ebner!

Well, you did an amazing job

cleaning all that up,

but where we gonna go now?

I think I know

a place that's available.

Hey, watch it!

I'm tanning!

I'm tanning here!


Slow down, boy!

Duck, duck, goose!

Blake, is it time?

Yes! Come on, Guys!

Come on!

All right!

What are you looking at?

Move out of there.

That's my trash!

Lemme see, lemme see!

Wow! A Christmas Miracle.

I do believe in you.


Ho ho ho!