Santa Games (2022) Movie Script

Mm, these are good.

Mm-mm-mm.

Mm!

Mm.

Looks like Santa's

got a sweet tooth.

Did you pay for those beignets?

What are you,

the beignet police?

You know I didn't get that job.

Look, guys, let's

have fun today, okay?

If the kids wanna buy a picture,

it's okay, but don't push it.

You don't have to push

it down their throats.

Fun, fun, fun!

What is our word?

Fun.

- What?

- Fun!

Fun.

See you out there.

Um, Santa Charles.

Wait!

Slow down, Santa, these are new!

Are you hiding?

Can you see me?

Is Jesus black?

Santa, go to the office.

Denise wants to see you.

She said, tell Santa Charles...

Tell Santa Charles what?

Santa, she wants to

see you in her office.

Shh, you didn't see me.

And that's not sexy.

This is sexy, and

you are hard to miss.

That's a fat joke.

You're a little plump.

- Mm-hm.

- Not a fat joke.

I'm not the only big guy here.

Thick is the new word.

- Yeah.

- Two C's.

What about Big D?

Big Douglas over here.

No one ever makes

fun of Big Douglas.

He's a security guard.

He's bigger than me.

- Not my ministry.

- Mm-hm.

Still making fun of big people.

We need to get together

a rally around big people.

Get us a flag.

A saying.

Yo, you bigger than everybody.

You go ahead and

knock him up, man.

Go and do what you need to do.

I ain't bigger than you.

Santa Claus!

Whoa!

- For me?

- Yes, Sir.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Who's been naughty

and who's been black?

Santa!

Hey!

Boo!

Who wants to talk to Santa?

Oh-oh!

Feliz Navidad!

Oh, moo!

Feliz Navidad, bueno!

- Bueno!

- Hey, hey!

Boom, Emily!

Let's get some music

going on around here.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Let's get this party started.

Santa!

Merry Christmas.

Hi, Santa Charles!

- Hi, Janet.

- You know my name?

Name!

Last year you wanted

a detective outfit

with a magnifying glass.

The year before that,

you wanted Jeff's friends

and a unicorn.

What do you want this year?

I'll do my best.

Oh and, Santa, one more thing.

Yeah?

Do you need Jesus?

How about a picture with Santa?

Say Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

I want a Ps5, zero

gravity laser race car.

It climbs walls.

And if you can't

fix the ozone layer,

even just a little bit,

that would be great.

And also- How about we

take this picture?

Say Christmas presents.

Incoming!

I thought you'd stop by my

office on one of your breaks.

Well, technically,

I'm still on break, I...

I heard about the incident.

The guy was 300 pounds.

I think he was 30.

We don't discriminate.

Hmm?

Discriminate?

I'm, you know, he's a big guy.

Why can't you be a team player?

- I am a team player.

- That's not a team player.

Most teams protect

their quarterback.

He was a paying customer.

Santa is his best friend.

Santa is his hero.

And all heroes should be

able to sell honey to a bee.

Heroes get the job done.

Did you know a hero

is also a sandwich?

I like mine with some relish.

Maybe some mayonnaise.

You had a quota to make.

- I like-

- You sell what?

Hm, any idea?

Hm?

I've the numb, the, the,

I don't have the paper.

The numbers haven't came in.

The numbers came in.

We sold a couple hundred.

Whoa!

That's what I'm talking about.

No, that's not what

we're talking about.

Whoa!

- Keep it down, the kids.

- Up top.

Is that some kind

of record number?

No, that's a failure!

You sold a couple

hundred photos a day

and yet you spend hundreds of

hours with thousands of kids.

You ask them about their lives,

their lists, their favorites.

But you won't ask them

to take one stupid photo.

Kids want Santa

to listen to 'em.

You want their

tooth fairy money?

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

I want all of it,

Santa's bigger than

the tooth fairy.

Right!

Right.

Right?

Right, that's why he

doesn't need any money.

Yeah.

If I look like you, oh,

mm, I'd have them eating

out the palm of my hands.

Is that a fat joke?

Let me explain something to you.

I am Santa Legacy.

Hm.

Okay?

25 years, me in, okay?

My daddy was Santa Claus.

His daddy was Santa Claus.

His daddy, well, not his daddy.

Okay, your daddy

and your daddy's daddy

and your daddy's

daddy on top of that

don't pay these bills.

Do your job.

Well, maybe his daddy's

daddy was a Santa Mall,

not a mall 'cause they

didn't have malls.

I believe in you.

I believe in your bigness.

Huh?

Leave.

You get the point 'cause I've

been doing this a long time.

Woo!

I'm getting too

old for this sled.

You know you can't

drown your problems

in snickerdoodle

and milk, right?

Thanks for letting

me stay here, Unc.

It's only temporary, man.

Just until I get

back on my feet.

You know, we don't

mind you staying here.

It's always a home,

but we got some rules.

First, no lips to carton.

That's direct contact.

Don't do that.

Don't let your aunt

see you do that.

But we're family.

That means that's your milk now.

Yeah, 'cause this is what

you use around here.

No, it's too late,

it's too late.

I thought you wanted some.

No, why would,

with lips to carton!

It's not in the carton no more.

But your lips, son.

Your lips, huh?

All right.

And the cookie situation here.

We want you to be comfortable.

You know you can stay

with me and your aunt

anytime you want, okay?

But we gonna have to

ration out these cookies.

Aunt Carol

said I could have some.

She said one.

You don't have to eat

nine at one time, son.

You can have a cookie

every once in a while.

You look like Rick Ross

if he like cookies.

There's the smile

I was looking for.

That's the guy I'm looking

for right there, man.

Listen, everything's

gonna be all right.

You're gonna get

you a new apartment.

I just wish I could

commit to something.

I just can't commit to

anything these days, man.

Well, you know what,

you should just start out

by committing to this,

a glass.

Now that's your milk.

Your lips have been on it.

And that's your glass.

Are you full on cookies?

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

I wish Charlie

Wilson was my uncle.

What's that, what did you say?

What did you say?

Nothing, nothing.

Huh?

Leave me alone,

Uncle Charles, man.

I call Goofy and Gaffy elf

to come here and sock your

Rick Ross looking ass.

♪ Up on a housetop

reindeer pause ♪

♪ Out jumps good

old Santa Claus ♪

♪ Down through the chimney,

with lots of toys ♪

♪ All for the little

ones' Christmas joys ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go ♪

♪ Up on the housetop,

click, click, click ♪

♪ Down through the chimney

with good old Saint Nick ♪

♪ First comes the

stocking of little Nell ♪

♪ Oh, dear Santa fill it well ♪

♪ Give her a dolly

that laughs and cries ♪

♪ One that will open

and shut her eyes ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪

Well, fellas, another day.

What happened?

Who shot Rudolph?

Santa Charles?

My office.

It's not gonna

be a good morning.

Please have a seat.

I told you once,

I told you twice,

I'm not gonna retire

till I'm in the dirt.

You're resilient

and I appreciate that.

But I have a business to run,

a new, updated, modern

Santa experience business.

Your contract is up at

the end of the season.

So I'm not asking you

anymore, I'm telling you.

Denise.

I've decided not to renew.

Denise.

Slow down.

I thought you would

like retirement.

Come on, no!

Are you kidding me?

Oh no, I guess you wouldn't.

But Patrick, Patrick, he

comes highly recommended.

Patrick?

Mm-hm.

A white Santa in a black mall.

Are you, it would be

chaos around here.

- I-

- It would be, oh!

Did you see the

"White Bikini Wives"?

I did, but that has

nothing to do with this.

If you hired the

ghost of Christmas past,

these people will

lose their minds.

It's like playing Paul

Anchor at a family reunion.

- Okay.

- You can't do that.

- I don't see why.

- You need the old days.

Well, the kids will love him.

It's good enough, and

apparently he loves

having his photo taken.

You know, I like

my Santas amenable.

- Amenable?

- Amenable.

Bottom line, it works.

He works, it works.

You can't... listen to me.

This has been a black

Santa Mall since 1948.

My grandfather sat a little

white child right here smiling

and people took a picture.

Nobody said nothing.

That's my legacy.

That's who I am.

- Look.

- We break down barriers.

I can appreciate that.

I know this is some kind of

tradition for your family.

You've broken all kind

of barriers, I get that,

but I'm doing you a favor.

- What!

- This is a physically

demanding job, and I can see.

Woo-woo, well, say it, say it!

Say fat!

I didn't say anything about fat.

- You was about to say fat.

- I was gonna say tired.

- Say it.

- You're tired.

- Ah.

- You're tired.

- Ah.

- You're tired.

And if you had any kids of

your own to pass the baton.

Look, I've made my decision.

I'm running up the

flag pole, it's done.

You said tired instead of fat.

Nobody digs your music

but you.

You are affected.

Santa Charles, you need

to write in your journal

or take that up

with your therapist.

I'm telling you what I need.

My bottom line is suffering

because of your incompetence.

Now, here's the deal.

After this season, you're done.

No, no, no.

We're getting

I just need some time.

No.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- No, absolutely not.

No, no, no, listen to me.

Hear me out.

Let me find my own replacement.

Groomed the way you like it.

- You're funny.

- No, no.

You picked the wrong profession.

You probably should

have been a comedian.

I groom a hand-down, I teach,

but it's with your rules.

Let me go out with some

dignity and then I'll retire.

Is that a promise?

Yes.

You told me Santas

don't make promises.

They do now.

All right.

Tell you what, you have

until the end of the season

to find me the best

Santa for the job.

Game on.

Well, let's shake on it.

Let's not shake on it.

Let's remember this moment.

Okay.

You're a good friend.

Okay, go.

Have you ever heard

of the heat miser?

You kind of look like her.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

- Thank you.

- I'm not gonna let you down.

- Got it.

- Okay?

Keep it heavy.

Understood, great.

Hey, the name is Orlando.

And next time you're in this

mall, just ask for me, baby.

You'll never wait in line again.

I'm telling my dad.

I'm telling my dad too.

Kids.

Great.

Merry Christmas, Ju.

What's wrong?

Oh!

First time in a black mall.

I know how you feel.

Barbecue smell,

greens, cornbread.

I know what you

want for Christmas.

You wanna be able to do this.

Back at you, Ju.

What do you want this year?

A turtle.

You're getting too

old for the sled.

Ah, seriously.

Ah!

Ugly Christmas sweaters.

Ha-ha-ha, this is my design.

Sites like these steal

indie ideas all the time.

Make a few changes and resell

the imitations as their own.

You're really leaving, huh?

Not if I can help it.

You're really good at this.

I feel you, and

I'm a 100% on board.

Gimme the details.

What's your target demo,

level of experience,

personality type?

Mm-hm!

Through datish.

But you know.

Okay.

Do you want me to put

a competitive salary?

Ooh, can grow a beard naturally.

You get a bit aggressive.

Be aggressive, be aggressive.

Should I set the

parameters to worldwide?

Ooh!

I don't even know what

you're talking about.

Okay, what else do you want?

- Video.

- Oh, I'm good at videos.

- Really?

- Mm-hm.

Anything else?

Those yellow things

with expressions.

Oh, smiley face.

- Emojis.

- Ah!

We just got black

Santas last year.

Really?

Whoa, lit!

We lit, we lit!

Period, purr!

- Purr!

- Purr.

- Yes.

Knock, knock.

I'm saying, never mind.

Different era.

Purr!

Charles.

Mm?

I'm not asleep.

I'm just reading my eyelids.

- Right.

- Mm.

Ooh, uh-oh.

Somebody wants something.

Mm?

Who me?

I know when you get all

squirrly and touchy like this,

you want to say something

or you want something.

Mm-hm, you all right?

I can't figure out what

to do and what should I do?

You've been putting

it off for a long time

and we both knew this

day would come, right?

- Mm-hm.

- But I think retirement

is going to be good

for both of us.

- Retirement?

- Yeah.

I mean, think about it.

Now, we get to stop putting

off that trip to Edinburgh.

- Edinburgh.

- Come on, it's been years

we've been talking about it.

- Edinburgh?

- Yes!

Are you saying it right?

I'm saying it right.

- Edinburgh.

- E-D-I-N.

S-A-N-T-A-I-N.

Are you trying

to say Eaglewood?

No baby, no.

What Edinburgh?

- Edinburgh, we do, baby.

- No, no, no.

Black people.

Yeah, we're black.

Mm-hm, we'll be there.

- Why go to Edinburgh?

- Do something

different, honey.

Let's go to Alabama too.

Mm, awwh, but I wanna see the

Christmas markets, big papa.

But that's why they

have the internet.

In person and on Christmas.

Edinburgh?

Yes.

My God, you can't hate me

because I'm not

being Santa Claus.

I mean, I'm doing

my due diligence.

Baby, you can sit

in this chair all day

and all night doing

your due diligence.

Well, look, if we not

gonna go to Edinburgh,

can you do me a favor?

Just go talk to Clarence, hmm?

Listen, the boy's went

through a rough patch.

He don't even like Christmas.

He's not a holiday person.

You're right, all right,

but look, he needs purpose.

Hmm.

And you just might be

able to change his mind.

See, there he go.

I know you was up to something.

Oh, I'm always up to

something, big Papa Santa.

Um.

Mm, come on.

You tricked me again.

Oh, yes.

Well, you better, you

better give me some purpose.

Talk to Clarence, baby.

Mm-hm.

In case you forget,

his room is right here.

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

Hey, Unc, what's up?

I know this is a dumb question,

but are you busy tomorrow?

No, man, I'm just trying to

piece my life back together.

Yeah.

Why don't you take a break

and come with me to work?

You done with interviews?

Yeah, nobody wants this job.

I'll be doing this

till I'm dead.

Oh man, Uncle Charles,

you ain't gonna die.

You gonna live forever

like the Rio Center.

That's what I thought.

But I think you should

come to work with me.

The kids will cheer you up, man.

They enjoy it too.

Okay, okay, I'll go, whatever.

- Yeah.

- Take a shower.

Yeah.

But I'm not wearing a costume.

It's not a costume.

It's a uniform and

you're not that cool.

It's a costume.

The snickerdoodle

cookies are disgusting.

Ooh, Holy North Pole.

The IRS will never catch me.

Time for more video.

Hmm.

What the?

Oh my God.

Hello, my love.

Oh, my little vanities.

I'm Vaingirl 21.

Thank you for logging in.

No!

Not Vaingirl 21.

But y'all, my friends

sent me this video earlier

and I was cracking up.

You have to see this.

This is Santa Charles

for the ultimate-

- I'm so fired.

- I've never heard of the-

- How am I gonna afford

my clothes?

This had me rolling.

Look at him.

Why is that kid

doing that to him?

He started doing this

crazy dance like this.

He was doing

this little roll with it.

I don't know about that.

We're gonna have to like,

make it a little cuter.

Ooh, I like that, okay.

Come on, Vaingirl 21.

We're gonna make

this into a hashtag.

Mall santa hashtag

Ultimate Santa Challenge.

Oh, hashtag Ultimate

Santa Challenge!

You guys wanna do it with me?

And we gonna roll it

and we gonna do the

Santa belly with it.

I'm so fired.

Okay y'all, so make

sure you do the dance

hashtag Ultimate

Santa Challenge.

And when they're picking

the next mall Santa,

we gotta show up.

- Oh, no, no, no!

- Does anyone wanna

do a meetup with me?

Okay, thanks.

So I'll let you guys-

Oh my gosh.

Not Vaingirl 21!

Oh God.

Breathe, Terrell.

Woo-sah!

Vaingirl 21!

Oh my God, you guys, look

at all of these people.

You are logged into Vaingirl 21.

Okay, so as you can see,

guys, I'm not the only one

to make it out to

the mall to check out

the Ultimate Santa Challenge.

And you like my fit?

The Ultimate Santa challenge

is to choose the

next mall Santa.

And as you can see, there

are all types of Santas here.

Ready, suit, select.

But you guys I heard

the OG Original Santa

is ready to retire.

But he's ready pass on his

baton to the next Santa.

However, do they look this good?

And can they do this?

Hey, come on and

play with me, baby.

Come on down to the mall today.

Hashtag Ultimate

Santa Challenge.

Me been waiting for this now.

You have no idea me dream

of being a Santa Clause.

Now, I'm gonna trust you

to make this special juice

'cause me got to go.

Oh, me ah gonna

be a Santa Clause.

Yeah, man!

Right!

- Rastafari!

- Yeah.

Emma, right?

Yeah.

Is there anyone that

can help us out here?

We just wanna sign up, Emma.

I mean, I've been here

with Joseph and Charles

and Kiki and Dashaun.

Yeah, Denise, can you?

You must be in charge, Denise.

Elizabeth will take

great care of you, okay.

It's Emma, why does everyone

keep calling me, okay.

- Miss Denise.

- Um, okay.

Um, guys, uh, no, Santa

Charles will be here soon

and you guys can

just talk to him.

What in the?

Orlando!

We are upon a red light security

for this crowd out here, right?

I could use an extra pair

of hands and a barricade

and a small tank.

We're not under siege.

Not yet.

You got pepper spray?

- Mm-hm.

- Okay, good, good, good.

Use it if you have to,

but only if you have to.

And never on the kids.

No, no, no, that's a

lawsuit waiting to happen.

Copy that, Big D.

Don't call me that.

Ooh, you're right.

Inappropriate.

Very!

♪ Merry Christmas

and Happy New Year ♪

Wow!

How amazing!

Terrell, why are you bumping

around like some lost duck?

The post went viral.

Apparently, we were too

aggressive, too too aggressive.

It was picked up

by at Vaingirl 21.

She has over 20 million

followers on Vid Feed.

Way more than Diamond Dave.

Oh my God.

Yeah?

Diamond Dave.

Yeah, yeah, when posting.

People are getting sick all

the time when they go viral.

I forgot to refresh the page.

I know.

Yeah, we'll refresh it later.

We'll refresh the page

later and call Diamond

and get the disease handled.

I'm so fired.

No, not, it's 'cause

you've got the people viral

and the people, the

fresh, the viral page.

What is he talking about?

Unc, going viral means basically

the whole world seen it.

What?

Before you say anything,

let me explain.

- Please do.

- It's gonna be the one

because I think I

should be the one.

Explain.

Um.

We did what you asked

and we went wide, woo!

- Uh-huh.

- Mm-hm.

- Uh-huh.

- Even went viral.

Is that why it looks

like a Santa convention

exploded outside of my mall.

Maybe we went too wide?

- Yeah.

- We can make an announcement

over the intercom and send

the store Santas packing.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is good.

This is exactly what we needed.

Hmm?

There's a lot of

Santas out there.

We're bound to find

someone we both like

and can move forward with.

Hmm.

Well.

But those aren't

real Santas.

Yeah.

They're viral.

- He learned that word.

- They didn't refresh.

Right?

I'm keeping an open

mind, Santa Charles.

Are you?

Yeah, but I'm just saying

that they're viral Santas.

Okay, so what's the

plan for the interviews?

There's a lot of folks out there

and, from the looks of them,

they'll be competitive.

That sounds cutthroat.

Oh, I know, I know.

Something, something's

in the air.

I imagine a bunch of Santas

trying to ruin each other

for likes and for a chance of

the coveted Santa Mall job.

Mm, it's definitely not

covered by insurance.

It could be a multi-day task.

And we could hold interviews

in the parking lot

and I could start a signup sheet

to get an accurate head count.

Hey!

Okay?

- I got it.

- What?

Judge.

What did you say?

You wanted a Santa Claus

that would be what?

Ame...

Amenable.

Yes!

I couldn't remember that word,

but listen, we have a challenge.

They have to be up for the par.

They have to do

things, obstacles,

and flippedy-flip

and whippedy-whip.

That's what we call the

amenable Santa challenge!

Okay, so, so what

are you thinking?

That's all I got.

Werk!

Oh, oww!

Who falls asleep in a sauna?

What you want, man?

How did you find a sauna?

I found one.

Follow me.

Where are we going?

Less talking, more walking boy.

You didn't find a gym, did you?

What are you doing?

- Shh!

- Man, you acting weird.

What is this?

Some kind of Santa

experience initiation

where you teach me how to

duck cookies effectively?

Listen, I'm not

supposed to do this,

but I want you to

be Santa Claus.

Only problem with that is

I don't want to be Santa.

Man, I just came to spend some

time with my favorite uncle.

Very interesting word.

Time.

I'll say you spent a

lot of time in prison.

Here we go.

Your PO's not playing.

He's very serious.

If you become Santa and

allow him to see you

in a different light,

you understand that,

you're helping children.

I saw how children see you,

when they see you,

their faces light up.

There's something

about this suit

once you put it on, it

kind of erases your past.

You become something new.

You have a purpose.

Uncle Charles?

No.

You think you're

the only criminal

in the family, don't you?

No.

Let me show you something.

See that?

That's my father,

your grandfather,

and his father, my grandfather.

Do you know what my

grandfather did for a living?

He was a bootlegger

from Chicago.

They called him Big Draws.

Do you know what they

called your grandfather?

What?

Poon Daddy.

He was a con artist.

We all had a past.

They put on a suit

and erased their past.

They started giving.

I even have a past.

I used to be a gymnast.

Now that's criminal.

Especially if saw

me in them tights.

My point is, put on a suit,

it gives you a purpose.

You got it.

Uncle Charles, I

don't want to be Santa.

As a kid, this is all

you ever wanted to do.

I was eight.

Of course, I thought this was

the coolest job in the world.

You're a fat man in

a red velvet suit

and nobody judges you.

But then I grew up and I

realized that all you do

is pedal dreams and

wishes to little kids.

It's not real.

None of this is real.

That's what you think I am?

Fat man in a red suit.

This is real.

You're real!

Uncle Charles, there's a

thousand other guys out there

that like to play

dress-up just like you.

You don't need me.

But they're not real!

And they're not you.

They're from Instatake.

Face.

The thing with the bird.

Instaface, Unc.

You know what I'm saying?

They're insta, influencers, man.

I love you.

But you gotta understand

that not everybody

gets what they

want for Christmas.

You of all people

should know that.

I do.

That's not what you get.

It's what you give.

Whatever man.

I got bigger fish to fry and

bigger problems to solve.

So I'm gonna find

me something to eat.

And I guess I'll

find my own way home.

Now when you say you gonna

find your own way home,

do that mean you're

gonna steal a car?

No.

Where'd you get that robe from?

Hey.

I think I'm lost.

Okay.

And where are your parents?

I don't know.

They're probably worried.

Where's your family?

Santa Charles is your daddy?

Uncle.

Mom and dad are gone.

You are so lucky!

I wish I had an uncle Santa.

I guess he's not so bad.

Gosh, there you are.

I was so worried.

Thank you.

No problem.

Come on, let's go.

We're live, action!

Are you Santas

ready for a challenge?

Yeah!

I said, are you Santas

ready for a challenge?

Yeah!

The Ultimate Santa Challenge.

Yeah!

I'm your host, DJ Snowbiz.

And this store is

your playground.

We also have souvenirs.

We have hats, shot glasses,

snow boats, novelty towels,

T-shirts, miniatures,

and various water packages

available for purchase, okay?

There will be three

days of Santa Games.

And at the end of the game,

we'll crown our next mall Santa.

But you don't have to take

my word for it because

Santa Charles is here

to let you know that

he's been making a list

and checking it twice.

And at the end of the games,

he will decide whose

been naughty or nice.

Ah, first of all, I'd

like to thank you guys

and welcome you

to the Santa Games.

This is not a job.

Hm?

It's an honor and a privilege.

This is not a suit or a costume.

It's a uniform.

I'm proud to wear it.

Some of you guys know this,

some of you guys don't.

A part of a legacy here,

three decades sitting in

that chair right there.

A grandfather, a father.

But this is not about

being a mall Santa.

It's about listening and love.

Love for the job,

love for the people,

love for the community.

I remember you, Stacey

Howard, wanted a firetruck.

Kids, they don't get

everything they want,

but they do get to

see a Santa Claus

that looks like them.

Hmm?

So welcome to the first

annual Santa Games.

Come on, Santa!

Can I help you?

It's not what it looks like.

Mm, looks like you're

stealing from Santa.

What are you doing then?

Borrowing from Santa,

without his permission.

You lose a bet or something?

Worse.

I think I just found

my Christmas spirit.

In the storage closet?

Is that where I left it?

Oh, you know, I never

could find the hats

in the midst of all

that other stuff.

See here.

Your uncle is going

to be so pleased.

Please, don't

tell Uncle Charles.

Okay.

I want to do this on my own.

If it's in my blood,

my family legacy,

then it's meant to be.

But if not,

and I fail at this too,

then at least Uncle Charles

won't have to get his hopes up.

All right, I won't say a word.

Okay?

But I do think he's gonna know.

I just have a feeling.

He'll know.

Can you help me with this beard?

I thought you'd never ask.

All right.

Let's see, oh yeah, first

you gotta take this net off.

Put your head down.

Mm-hm.

Awwh.

Behind those ears.

Yup.

Hold on.

Can you breathe?

Just.

Ho-ho-ho.

So proud of you.

Next.

So, I'm, I'm really

sorry about that.

Thank you.

Thanks.

All right, first and

last name, Santa.

Thank you.

Tell us your name.

My name is Stephanie.

Wah gwan, me name Wayne.

You know, straight

from Jamaica, boi-boi!

Hi, I'm Adam.

Hi, my name is Clyde.

My name is Nick.

And Nick, why do

you want to be Santa Claus?

Wait, wait, hold on.

Who are you?

Who are you to be

asking me questions

or what was, what's

happening right now?

Me want to be Santa Clause

and I'm come here to show Santa

can be everywhere, yuh know.

I'm here for one reason.

Total world domination.

Did it, and now

he's on the elf team.

Oh, oh, mum, mum, mum!

Come on, our boy is on TV!

Come fast, fast, fast, fast!

So, basically.

Welcome to day one

of the Santa Creators.

All right, and we're back

with what looks like hampers

of Santa's dirty laundry.

I wonder what we're

gonna do with that?

Can't hear you.

But if you guessed wash

and fold, you're wrong.

This game is called

Santa's Pajamas.

When I count to three,

you'll race to the hampers

and grab a matching pajama set.

We have elf,

gingerbread and snowman.

Options are limited.

So choose wisely.

And go!

Oh wow.

Illegal contact!

There's no fighting

in the North Pole.

We have jammies for everybody.

Oh shirt!

Try out?

What?

You don't think

there's a need to try out?

I don't think there's

a need to try out

when you find what it is

that you're looking for

and it's sitting in the chair.

I am a fat man in this hot...

How does he do this?

Oh, Santa Charles.

I know of him.

Right, what do you know

of Santa Charles?

Cool dude.

Now it's time for the one,

the only, Santa Charles.

Good afternoon, Santas.

Please try to separate in

the most scientifical ways.

Gingerbread to the left.

Elves in the middle.

Snowmen to the right.

The losing team

will, unfortunately,

be kicked out of the games.

If you don't have a

costume on, bye-bye.

Oh, can I tell them

Designs by Terrell?

Designs by Terrell.

Take a picture, it's

gonna last longer, mm-hm.

And, again, if you don't

have a costume, off you go.

Listen, you guys

all did a good job.

See you day two.

Good night, have

a good night, guys.

We'll see you back here bright

and early tomorrow

morning for day two.

Thank you.

Got the pizza guys.

Oh.

Look who I found

roaming the halls

like a lost little puppy.

And look, he doesn't

have his beard on.

Hi!

Hey, I hope you don't mind,

we couldn't decide

on what topping to get.

So we just got cheese.

Yeah, and they got fruit punch,

ginger ale, energy

drinks and water.

Or if you're feeling brave,

I make a mean protein shake.

I'm nicknaming Santa's

Ultimate Challenge.

I don't think I

have any competition,

but to be honest with you,

there's one particular

one on my team.

Are they gonna hear this?

Okay, cool.

So there's one particular

Santa on my team.

Nick.

Buff daddy, Big Santa.

He's just always angry

and wants to hit people.

The 'Roid Ranger.

I think it might be something

in his protein shakes.

I think he taken

some of the ting.

He needs to slow it down.

It's not healthy

for your man beat.

You know what I'm saying?

But then some of the other ones,

you know, they all

right, you know.

Day one done.

Yeah, you know, we started

off a little rocky, you know.

But you know what, mate?

We got it done, we edged it out.

You know what, I think

day two's gonna be a doozy.

I mean everything that

went through with the PJs,

but you two look

a little intense.

This man.

Are you scared?

No, but you should be.

Ooh.

I'm just glad I found a

shirt that could fit me.

I actually found the

shirt, and you're welcome.

Yeah.

You know what, it

was a little crazy.

You guys think the

rest of the challenges

are gonna be like that?

Nah, man, me don't think so.

I really just

wanna say something.

I'm just so happy to be

here with all of you.

Back home in London,

you know, I don't

have a lot of friends.

You know, with that sweater,

I mean, yeah, I see why.

Look, I'm just here

to make a statement.

And what's that?

That women can be Santa too.

Now, I'm here because I

wanna be the next Santa,

the first and one and

only female Santa.

While we're at it,

Clyde, now I know

you're to compete as

well, but we all know

there's something hiding

underneath that Santa beard.

Ho-ho-ho, I'm Santa.

All right.

Well, it's obvious that you

don't want to be here, I mean.

Me, I love Christmas.

I love all of it, you know.

I love Christmas.

I love everything

about Christmas.

The decorations, trees, music.

I even love the cold air.

Me wanna show the

world that Christmas,

it be universal, you know.

I just want the gig period.

Yeah, he wish.

Okay, well, I already

told you why I'm here.

Clyde, so what's up?

Well, I guess I just want

something to believe in.

You know, it's something

I always wanted.

Mm.

Awh, Clyde, you're

a serious dude.

Okay, you hit me one more

time, whey you want, eh?

Oh, hey look,

everyone, grab a pub.

All right.

Sorry.

Everybody, cheers.

All right.

To all of us.

May our journey be

worth it, but tough.

And as Team ELf, may

we be indestructible.

- Yeah.

- And all those other Santas,

you know, they don't

know what's coming.

- We are!

- We are coming.

- We're coming!

- Yeah!

- Yeah, man.

- Coming, all right.

Let's come.

Oh! Charles!

Mm, it's just after 11.

Come on, what are you doing?

You gotta gimme a minute

to do some research.

Research on what?

To go and look in the cookie jar

and eat up all the cookies?

Okay, I mean, it may look like

I'm just eating the cookies,

but I'm doing research

for the games tomorrow.

I gotta know this stuff.

Mm-hm, okay, research.

Look, being Santa

Claus is not just a job.

It's a way of life, okay?

- Mm-hm.

- Look at me.

S-A-N-T-I-N-C.

Say that again.

I'm S-A-N-T-I-N-C.

Forgot the A this time.

Oh, baby, please go to bed.

Forgot the A.

Yep, right after

I do this research.

Mm-hm, okay.

Make sure you leave

Clar some cookies.

Turn the light off, baby.

- Use your clapper.

- Oh!

Oh God.

Little crevices.

Nooks.

What we having, man?

Hmm.

Guess.

I bet you all

nodding and reindeer.

A snickerdoodle.

You good, you good.

You learning.

And you got your glass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?

That's my milk.

I saw you reaching.

Your milk is in there

where you had your lips.

Remember?

It's the same jug, Unc.

No, no, new jug, my jug.

See my jug, my jug.

Your lips, carton.

Unc, I got a question for you.

Hey, hey, you got a ques...?

Yeah, go ahead and ask.

Can I have a cookie?

Oh man.

The fact that you asking me

instead of just going in there,

I love that, man.

No, I don't want those

nasty snickerdoodle anyway.

Well good 'cause

you can't have one.

Why not chocolate

chip or something?

It's a basic cookie.

Chocolate chip is bluh.

They're the best.

It's a basic cookie.

Peanut butter?

Sixties.

What's the nastiest cookie?

Rocky Road.

Rocky Road Cookies?

That's what I said.

What about oatmeal raisin?

- Woo.

- Uh!

Wee!

Miss Clause is here.

Santa Charles is really

walking away from it.

Nick!

Elves.

Excuse me, I love

a woman in charge.

Oh, of course you do.

Can I help you?

No, but I can help you.

I'm not interested.

Okay.

I guess I won't tell you

that the first challenge

is a Santa trivia game.

I appreciate you for

not telling me that.

Is there anything else

you don't wanna tell me?

I'd love to, but I can't.

You shouldn't.

I definitely shouldn't tell you

that the second challenge

is a guessing game

involving Santa Charles'

favorite cookie.

But that's all I know.

When I become queen

of this store one day,

maybe you and I

should go grab lunch

or something?

Merry Christmas.

Oh, oh!

Do you have any kids?

No.

Yeah, see, you're

not really my type,

but I do wanna see

you win though.

What can I say?

I'm a feminist.

Oh God, gross.

- Elves, elves.

- I love women.

Yeah, come in, come in.

All right guys, look

at us, Team Elf.

Team Elf, Team Elf, Team Elf!

Okay, look, y'all look.

Okay, so mall

security over there

was just telling me

there's gonna be two games.

Something about a

guessing game of cookies.

The other one is basically

like a Santa trivia game.

Hold on, we gotta guess cookies?

I'm you're guy, promise you.

- You guys are-

- It's a home-run.

Only for now.

Hey, what's wrong

with your hat, man?

You look like you're

leaning a bit.

Oh, interesting.

Huh, I'm like a

leaning tower of pizza.

All right, better?

Yeah, man.

All right.

No mistakes.

Mistakes are okay as

long as you remain friends.

Aye, man, we're trying to

win this thing, all right.

Morning Santas and

welcome back for day two.

Are you ready for more games?

Yeah!

Gingerbread, Elf,

Snowmen, are your teams ready?

Yeah!

Great.

Now it's time for The Santa,

a trivia game hosted by the

one, the only Santa Charles.

Listen up, guys.

The questions are

all multiple choice.

So you all stand a chance, okay?

You say you wanna play too.

Well, let's see.

Questions, please.

Be aggressive.

First question.

How many reindeer

does Santa have?

A, eight, B, nine.

- I know this one!

- C as many as he wants.

B, B it is, it's definitely B.

Boards, please.

And the answer is B, 9.

Where exactly was mommy

when she kissed Santa Claus?

Underneath the mistletoe?

Underneath a little bow?

C, at Ice Cube's house?

Y'all, I think, I think it's,

I think it's a trick question.

Why your mama kissing Santa?

I think it's a trick question.

Board, please.

You all right!

Now, name a country in which

Santa is known as Pere Noel.

Can you guys say that?

Pere Noel.

Good, look at that!

Look at them!

- A, France.

- Yes.

B, Belgium.

C, Watts.

Pere Noel?

What you doing, eh?

Board, please.

It's not, it's not.

They stupid.

I'm sorry, elves,

you got that wrong.

It's actually, A, France.

You guys just sit

there and breathe, okay.

I got this.

Hey, it was an honest mistake.

Yeah, it's all right.

We're still best friends.

Bombaclat, man.

Who had the biggest

hit of her career

with the song "Santa

Baby" in 1953?

A, Eartha Kitt.

B, Prince.

- Multiple choice.

- C, Beyonce.

I mean,

what is the A for though?

Ah, answer is A!

We got it right!

That's all that

matters, we're friends!

What black song plays all

day long during Christmas?

A?

What group does Eddie

Lavert sing with?

You guys just sit

there and breathe.

Okay, I've got this.

- Boards?

- Listen, listen.

C, Elves, you got that wrong.

Okay?

Ahh, answer is A.

B.

Yeah man,

that's what I'm saying!

A.

What is Santa's favorite cookie?

It don't matter,

he eat anything.

Final tie-breaking round.

Gingerbread, you're

gonna sit this one out.

It's between the

elves and the snowmen.

Okay?

This is the question.

First team to me with

their chalkboard wins.

Who was the first Mall Santa?

A, Colonel Tim.

B, Colonel Nim.

C, Colonel Sanders.

D, Popeye.

I know this one, wait, wait!

You're gonna be

the one to write?

Yes, yes.

Oh-ho!

Snowman!

He's the snowman!

You did it, you did it!

You did the thing, man.

But you wrong.

It's trivia not trash.

Yeah.

Nice try.

What you got, Elves?

That's gonna be hell.

It is.

But you know what,

Elves, you got one!

B, Colonel Nim!

Gingerbread and Elves

team, you tied up.

Elves, Gingerbread, you're

on the next round.

Woo-hoo.

This is a good game.

Great, great.

Hey, Sugar.

Well, as far as Team Elf, goes,

first you got, you got this

old, I guess, Asian guy.

His name's Adam.

Have you ever had a gas bubble

that just you can't get rid of?

He's all right.

He's probably the

worst-smelling person

I've ever met in my entire life.

Stephanie.

Maybe she come back to the

island with me, you know?

Um, he could be second place.

He could play the reindeer.

Fireside and candle lights.

Stephanie, me,

perhaps a little wine.

I like to romanticize about...

reindeer, huh?

Reindeer.

And I'm not done yet.

I'm, I didn't finish.

Moving forward,

it will be every man

and woman for themselves.

The next game is called-

This is a little game

I call smell my finger.

Guess the cookie

correctly, you move on.

Guess it wrong, you're done.

First up, please.

Chocolate chip.

You got it right.

Next contestant, please.

Chocolate chip.

Oh man, no.

I wanna redo!

- I don't care.

- I want a redo.

I don't care!

You're wrong.

We bringing a blindfold

to up the ante.

He's very excited.

Chocolate chip.

No.

Oh, man!

Work on that.

Not right now.

Right now with the nails.

Back it out, back it down.

No, this gotta be snickerdeedle.

What'd you say?

Snickerdoo,

snickerdicky, snookerdook.

Yeah, something like that.

He's from the south.

Behold.

Hmm.

Gingersnap.

You're right.

Next!

Both elves.

Smell my finger.

Shortbread.

Wow, he's right.

My friend got it right.

You're a happy elf.

Bligh, bligh.

Mm, that's definitely

a biscotti biscuit.

Oh, no!

It's not a bloody biscuit.

It's a cookie!

There's no tea over here.

Bullocks!

Bloody cookies.

Take it home for Team Elf.

No.

No, no!

No!

Next!

Are you from San Diego?

You got a boo-boo.

No, no, no.

Special one for you.

It's a macaroon, man.

Well, whata, whata, yuh

boy right!

Sheila E.

Sheila E. Elf.

Oatmeal.

You're right.

It's good for your

system, oatmeal.

Roosh.

Woo, now that's a big elf.

Um, you want a hamburger?

Maybe get two cookies for you.

- Peanut butter.

- Oh, damn.

Chocolate chip.

Pretzel?

That boy's good.

You good, boy, you good!

And just like that, we're

down to the final five.

Let's give it up for them.

We'll see you on the

final day, everybody.

Thanks, Santa.

I think one of them might

actually win this thing.

It happens.

What the fudge candy apple?

You really gonna leave this?

About time she finds out

how hard the job really is.

She's gonna see how hard

it is to be Santa Claus.

This is what you

gonna leave us with?

You gotta be kidding me, man.

That's what you

gonna leave us with?

Give it up for Stephanie.

Adam.

Wayne.

Nick.

Nick, come on!

And Clyde.

One of these competitors

is about to become

the next Mall Santa.

But before we jump

into day three,

the final day of

the Santa Games,

a quick word from our sponsor.

The woman who signs my checks,

Denise Rainer, everyone.

Is this on?

Thank you, DJ Snowbiz, and I

just have one thing to say.

And that is, thank

you and thank you.

No, no, no, no, no.

Santa Charles,

you have made this

one Christmas

season to remember.

Hmm, your final season.

And on behalf of

myself, your fans,

and all of Santa's helpers,

we wanted to do something

a little different,

something meaningful.

You're gonna make me slave cry.

Cookies!

They're vegan.

I am so proud of how

you structured the rules

of this competition and

how you did so without bias

or prejudice or flatulence

and how you took the time

for each competitor to dig in

and help them find their

full Santa potential.

Mm, with that level of

grit and determination,

I think we can be confident

that your family's legacy

is in good hands.

Thank you, Denise.

Thank you, but no need to put

Santa Charles on the spot.

Let's let him enjoy

his cookies in peace.

He earned them after all.

Now are we ready for

the final challenge?

I can't hear you.

It's time for an obstacle

course unlike any other.

A game that's gonna make

you feel real sentimental.

Please, please, a

round of Santa applause

for a game we're calling

Santa's extra special delivery.

Yes, yes, yes!

Grab the Santa sack

and fill it with toys.

Then take the sack

around the world

before delivering

it to Santa Charles

for the final elf battle.

Don't be nervous.

It's only Santa's entire

Christmas Eve routine.

What could go wrong?

May the best Santa win.

♪ Hey, ho ♪

♪ Ho-Ho-Ho ♪

♪ Hey, ho ♪

♪ Ho-Ho-Ho ♪

Hey!

Easy peasy, right?

You will have seven minutes

to complete the course.

Three.

Two.

Go, go, go.

Okay, first one in.

Oh, is this allowed?

First one out.

Come on, come on, out

the door, out the door!

That works too.

Time is ticking,

time is ticking!

Hey, you go, girl!

Come on, Clyde!

Shoes off.

You're supposed to

be jogging, Santa.

Shoes off, let's go, let's go.

Oh!

Shoes off.

Here we go, here we go.

Oh, Wayne, Wayne, go!

Ease up, meh man.

Okay, okay, this way now.

Man, come on, here we go.

Let's go!

Ooh!

Oh, sorry.

Somebody's got the

Christmas spirit.

Or a bit of spirits.

This is Santa's

extra special delivery.

These Santas will

race their snow globes

around the world three times.

Let's hope this works out.

Get out the way.

Move it now.

It looks like these snow globes

are knocking over

all of these Santas.

♪ Hey, ho ♪

♪ Ho-Ho-Ho ♪

It's like

a workout for you, okay.

♪ Hey ho ♪

♪ Ho-Ho-Ho ♪

♪ Hey, ho ♪

♪ Ho-Ho-Ho ♪

This way, all right.

That's a legal contact.

Y'all watch that now.

You guys got it.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Come on!

Hey, Bob Marley!

Here they come!

You're blocking

me, boy, watch out now.

Go, go, go!

Ah!

Oh!

Awwh!

Come on.

Is this it?

Could this be the

end of the games?

Go!

Teamwork!

This is great.

Since you guys didn't

complete your task,

I'm still Santa.

What?

Still Santa.

That is not what

we talked about.

Still Santa.

That's not what we talked about.

I'm still, ep-re-ruh-ruh, Santa.

Uh-uh-uh-uh, that's

not what we talked about.

That's what you came up with.

- That's not what I-

- Your rules!

- Charles!

- Hey, Unc.

Clarence.

Game's not over yet.

Santa never misses a delivery.

Thank you, Aunt Carol.

Wait a minute, you knew?

Yeah, he wanted

to do it himself.

Oh, and that beard.

I wanted to help him

glue it on this morning.

But yeah, he wanted to

do that himself too.

I thought that

hat looked familiar.

That's what hat

my granddady wore.

Let's go, yo.

Nah, man, yuh all shame me!

In order to win, you

must capture my hat.

Go, go, go!

Are you proud of yourself?

You have a camera?

You get a hat.

You good!

It's only one person

I'll choose to be Santa.

I don't want it.

I said I don't want it!

What are you saying?

You do all this?

Didn't I'll tell you, your

actions, they mean something.

Your decisions mean something.

Why would you say

something silly like that?

You'll do all this.

Oh, hold up, I'm

just playing, man.

I'll do it.

But under one condition.

What are your conditions, man?

If my crew can be Santa too.

You're a dance group?

Wait, so you're

thinking all five of you?

Yes, ma'am.

That might work.

Financially, that could be good.

Let me ask you this.

Why?

'Cause that, that's real.

That's the gift of

giving you're doing.

That's the gift I

was talking about.

You got a new life and you're

giving them a chance from it.

I know.

You think I can

get a better hat?

Yeah, this is Poon Daddy's.

That's a legacy.

Wear that with pride.

Ho-ho-ho!

Now, I get to go to Edinburgh!

Yes!

Not Alabama?

- Santa Stephanie!

- Hey, how are you?

How old are you?

Oh baby, I forgot.

Are you a fairy?

I'm more like an angel.

Where are you from?

Ohio.

How do you do it?

Do what, Kitty?

Deliver all the

presents in one night.

Mommy said that

you don't like milk.

Oh, that's right.

You know me lactose intolerant.

It's not good for me

stomach, you know.

Hey, Santa Nick.

Huh, yeah?

Where's your belly?

Oh, it kept getting

stuck in the chimney.

So I got rid of it.

Give it up for Santa Clarence.

Ho-ho-ho!

All right, who's first?

What do you guys

want for Christmas?

A unicorn.

A unicorn?

Makeup and puzzle.

A puzzle?

What about you?

I want a Christmas present.

A Christmas present, what kind?

A dress?

The little red one.

A red one?

Santa!

Ho-ho-ho!

Uh, heh.

Ah.

Well, we had a good run.

Ah.

Leave my mark.

Ah.

Huh.

Well.

Finally, Mr and Mrs Claus

get what they want.

A vacation!

Mm, thank you, big Santa.

- Brown sugar.

- Woo!

Well, you can take the

boy outta the North pole,

but you can take the

North Pole out of the boy!

Big Santa's on the way.

Can I say that?

Oh.

Hello.

It's me, Scott.

I'm still here, I

didn't leave yet.

No, I'm actually

still in the hotel

waiting for all of

the team to finish up

and good stuff, you know.

I didn't want to

go quite home yet

'cause I think I'm gonna

surprise the mates.

You know, head out there,

you know, sit on their lap.

Oh, I actually got a

present for Clarence.

Yeah, he's gonna love these.

It's a flower.

He doesn't actually like flowers

and he specifically

told me that,

but I think it'll warm

his heart a little bit.

Give him a little

Christmas cheer.

So, mm, smells like Christmas.

So I bought this for him.

And yeah, I'm gonna go

hang out with the mates.

Yeah, maybe have some

eggnog, something, you know.

Have a little time before

I get back to London town.

Santa Games (2022) - full transcript