Santa Con (2014) - full transcript

Small-time con man Nick DeMarco is ordered by his parole officer to take a minimum-wage job as a department store Santa during the holidays... and he hates it. Near the end of his first shift, he hastily promises a young boy, Billy, that Santa will bring his estranged parents back together by Christmas. When his sister Rosemary hears this, she is livid and can't believe he would break a little boy's heart with an empty promise. After a long night of soul searching - and with the help of an insightful female pastor - Nick decides to make good on his promise to the child, somehow. But after meeting the boy's mother Carol, will Nick ultimately choose to put the happiness of others ahead of his own?

[cheery music]

- * OOH, CHRISTMASTIME

* THIS YEAR AT CHRISTMASTIME

*

* I DON'T WANT TO GO, GO, GO

UNDER THE MISTLETOE *

* UNLESS YOU'RE HERE WITH ME

* DON'T WANT TO HEAR--

[feedback blares]

- ATTENTION,

INMATES AND STAFF,

DUE TO FUMIGATION

IN CELL BLOCK C,

TONIGHT'S DINNER IS DELAYED

UNTIL 1800 HOURS.

- * CHRISTMAS CHEER

WON'T CHEER ME UP *

* IF YOU'RE NOT HERE

TO FILL MY CUP *

* YOU'RE NOT NEARLY

NEAR ENOUGH *

* SO YOU HAD BETTER HURRY UP

- I ALWAYS GET DEPRESSED

AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

WHY IS THAT?

- AH, A LOT OF PEOPLE

GET THAT WAY, PAUL,

BUT THIS YEAR

I BET IT'S ON ACCOUNT

YOU'RE IN FEDERAL PRISON.

HOW'D YOU FEEL IN AUGUST?

- TERRIBLE.

- YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

BET 20.

- FOLD.

LOOK AT THAT.

I CAN HACK INTO THE PENTAGON,

BUT I CAN'T BEAT A BUNCH OF

HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS.

- OH, YOU FELLAS

ARE JUST UNDERESTIMATING

HOW MUCH FUN IT IS IN HERE.

- OH, ANY CHANCE YOU'RE MAYBE

A LITTLE BIASED IN THAT RESPECT,

WARDEN?

- UM...

NO.

NOT REALLY.

ALL RIGHT,

SEE YOUR 20.

RAISE YOU...

25.

- CALL.

- THREE LADIES.

- OOH.

- [sighs]

JUST AIN'T MY DAY.

- [laughs]

LOOKS LIKE YOU BEAT US AGAIN,

WARDEN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

- EH, YOU TAUGHT ME WELL, NICK.

I'M SURE GONNA MISS YOU.

- WELL...

THAT ALL DEPENDS

ON THE PAROLE BOARD.

- RELAX, WILL YA?

I WROTE THEM A LETTER.

- "IN SHORT, NICHOLAS DEMARCO

IS THE MOST EXEMPLARY INMATE

"IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO KNOW

IN ALL MY YEARS

"IN THE DEPARTMENT

OF CORRECTIONS.

"I'VE EVEN NAMED HIM IN MY WILL.

"I'M NOT KIDDING.

"I THEREFORE FULLY

AND WITHOUT HESITATION

"RECOMMEND HIM FOR EARLY PAROLE.

"YOURS CONFIDENTLY,

JEFFREY P. MITCHELL,

WARDEN, DANFIELD CORRECTIONAL

INSTITUTION."

- GOTTA LOVE THAT GUY.

- NOT PARTICULARLY BELIEVABLE.

MR. DEMARCO,

IS IT SO UNREASONABLE TO ASK

WHETHER A CON MAN,

LIKE YOURSELF,

A MAN WHO WORKED AS A FULL

PROFESSOR AT YALE FOR TWO YEARS,

DESPITE NEVER HAVING COMPLETED

THE 11TH GRADE...

- YOU WERE EVEN ON THE TENURE

TRACK, FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

- MIGHT NOT ALSO

HAVE FOOLED A WARDEN

AT ONE OF OUR MINIMUM SECURITY

FACILITIES?

- LOOK, I DON'T BLAME YOU

FOR BEING SKEPTICAL,

MA'AM.

YES, I WAS IN THE HISTORY

DEPARTMENT AT YALE

FOR TWO YEARS,

BUT REST ASSURED,

THAT KIND OF ACTIVITY'S

IN MY OWN PAST NOW--

AS MUCH A PART OF HISTORY

AS THE CIVIL WAR

OR THE MAGNA CARTA

OR THE LIFE OF A CERTAIN

CARPENTER FROM GALILEE

WHOSE BIRTH MANY OF US

WILL SOON BE CELEBRATING,

BUT WHATEVER THIS BOARD DECIDES,

LET ME JUST SAY,

MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND UH...

GOD BLESS US.

EVERYONE.

- YEP.

- [sighs]

- HEY-HO.

YEAH, I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU

LEAVING US, NICK.

- AH, SPOKEN LIKE

A TRUE REFORMER.

- AH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOU'RE THE BEST COACH

I EVER HAD.

YOU KNOW,

WHETHER IT WAS GIN RUMMY,

CRAPS,

TEXAS HOLD'EM,

MY GAME ROSE TO ANOTHER LEVEL.

- HAPPY TO BE OF SERVICE,

WARDEN.

- I OWE YOU ONE, NICK.

I HOPE OUR PATHS CROSS AGAIN

ONE DAY.

- HEY, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT

PROFESSIONALLY, HUH?

- AS LONG AS IT'S NOT

PROFESSIONAL, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

- AH.

- HEY.

- HEY, SIS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- JUST GET IN THE CAR.

- [sighing]

[classical music

plays softly]

STILL DIG THE BACH, I SEE.

- IT'S MOZART, GENIUS.

- I KNOW.

PINATA FOR BANJO IN LEE MAJORS,

RIGHT?

[laughs]

SORRY.

THANKS FOR DOING THIS, RO.

- YEAH, WELL, THANK MOM,

NOT ME.

SHE'S THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE.

- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- WELL, UM...

IT WAS RIGHT NEAR THE END,

AND MOM PULLED ME DOWN

BY HER LIPS

AND WHISPERED IN MY EAR,

"HELP NICK."

AND I WAS LIKE,

"PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I'M DYING."

AND I WAS LIKE, "REGARDLESS."

LONG STORY SHORT,

SHE MADE ME PROMISE TO HELP YOU

FOR ONE MONTH

OR UNTIL YOU SCREW UP AGAIN.

WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.

SMART MONEY'S ON "B,"

BY THE WAY.

- YOU AND MOM ARGUED ABOUT ME

ON HER DEATHBED?

- FOR 25 MINUTES.

TOUGH OLD BIRD.

- [sighs]

- HEY!

- AH.

- DON'T TOUCH MY MUSIC.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[soothing music continues]

[plays intro to

Do You Hear What I Hear?]

*

- MR. MILLER, I CAN CERTAINLY DO

AN RGB CONVERSION

ON YOUR WEBSITE...

[mouths words]

BUT THE COLORS MAY NOT APPEAR

CORRECT AT FIRST.

[Do You Hear What I Hear?

resumes]

BECAUSE MATCHING COLORS

TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF TIME, SIR.

YES, THAT GOES FOR

ALL DESIGNERS.

YES, EVEN THE MEN.

CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE?

[quietly]

DEAR GOD!

[exhales]

SORRY.

SALES CALL.

HOW ABOUT I EMAIL YOU

SOME SAMPLES IN A COUPLE DAYS?

HOW'S THURSDAY MORNING?

GREAT.

THANKS.

GOOD-BYE.

[groans]

[Do You Hear What I Hear?

playing softly]

*

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

[scoffs]

*

- HELLO.

- OH.

[nervous laughter]

- HEY.

- TAKING A LITTLE BREAK, ARE WE?

- HEY, MRS. GUTHRIE,

IT'S OUR LUNCH HOUR.

OH, WOW.

IT'S 3:30, GUYS.

THAT'S QUITE A LONG LUNCH HOUR.

- HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON,

MRS. G.

ME AND THE BOYS,

WE'RE SAFETY-CONSCIOUS.

YOU KNOW?

YOU START GOING TOO FAST,

THAT'S WHEN ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD

THE OLD SAYING,

"MEASURE 30 TIMES AND CUT ONCE."

- ACTUALLY,

THE WAY I HEARD IT WAS

"MEASURE TWICE, CUT ONCE."

- TWICE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DAREDEVIL

YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO.

HE'S GONNA GET SOMEBODY KILLED.

- I KNOW. RIGHT?

ASK US TO PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE,

WHY DON'T YOU?

- FINE.

WHATEVER.

I DON'T CARE

WHAT THE OLD SAYING IS.

I HIRED YOU TO COMPLETE

A TWO-WEEK JOB

OVER FOUR WEEKS AGO,

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN

HALFWAY FINISHED YET.

- WE'RE CERTAINLY

TRYING OUR BEST, MA'AM.

- WELL, YOUR BEST IS TRYING

MY PATIENCE, MR. HEDDISON.

NOW, IF YOU CAN'T START--

EXCUSE ME.

START HAMMERING

OR MEASURING

OR DOING SOMETHING.

OKAY?

SWEETHEART?

PAGEANT'S IN A FEW DAYS.

DON'T YOU WANT TO PRACTICE

SO YOU CAN BE READY?

- I DON'T CARE ABOUT

A STUPID PAGEANT.

- WELL, YOU MIGHT

WHEN YOU'RE UP ON STAGE

AND YOU DON'T KNOW THE CHORDS.

- IS DAD GONNA BE THERE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

WE'LL SEE.

- HE'S NEVER COMING HOME,

IS HE?

- BILLY, WE DISCUSSED THIS--

- IS HE?

- I DON'T THINK SO.

- [moans]

- THE COATRACK IS OVER THERE.

- [sighs]

ONE BEDROOM, HUH?

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP?

- HA.

STILL THINK YOU'RE FUNNY,

HUH, NICK?

- NOT REALLY,

BUT WHAT'S MY VOICE

AGAINST THE MAJORITY?

OKAY. OKAY.

FAIR ENOUGH.

I'LL BE ON THE COUCH.

AND SOME OTHER GUY

CAN MAKE HISTORY

BY BEING THE FIRST MAN EVER

TO SET FOOT

IN ROSE DEMARCO'S BEDROOM.

- OH.

ARE YOU SAYING

I HAVE NO LOVE LIFE?

- NO, I'M SAYING YOUR ONLINE

PROFILE SHOULD READ:

MID-30s, CUTE,

INTELLIGENT, IMPOSSIBLE.

- WRONG, NICK.

IF I WAS INTELLIGENT,

I'D BE BOOTING YOU

TO THE STREET RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, I MAY YET.

YOU HURT A LOT OF PEOPLE, NICK.

- WHO?

WHO DID I HURT, RO?

- HOW ABOUT ANYONE

YOU EVER LIED TO?

HOW ABOUT ANYONE YOU EVER

CHEATED?

HOW ABOUT ANYONE WHO GOT

THEIR HEART BROKEN

AND THEIR DREAMS CRUSHED

WHEN THEY FOUND OUT

YOU WERE NOTHING MORE

THAN A CON MAN?

WHY AM I SURPRISED?

YOUR FIRST WORDS AFTER "MAMA"

AND "DADA"

WERE "WHAT'S IN IT FOR NICK?"

- THAT'S HARSH, RO.

- OH, YEAH?

WELL, STOP ME

WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE.

ONE MORE THING, YOUR PAROLE

COMES WITH CERTAIN CONDITIONS.

ONE OF THEM IS FINDING A JOB.

- AND I'M GONNA JUMP ON THAT

FIRST THING TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

PINKIE-SWEAR.

- ACTUALLY, I MAY HAVE A LINE

ON SOMETHING FOR YOU.

- GREAT. GREAT.

THIS IS WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:

EXECUTIVE LEVEL,

LOW SIX FIGURES,

FULL BENNIES,

STOCK OPTIONS, NATURALLY.

HO, HO, HO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING,

LITTLE FELLAS?

- GOOD.

- YEAH?

- ALL RIGHT.

AND WHAT CAN SANTA BRING YOU

FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?

- A BUMBLEBEE PILLOW SET.

- A CAPTAIN AMERICA SHIELD.

- A NEW BIKE.

- THE MILLENNIUM FALCON.

- WORLD PEACE.

- WORLD PEACE?

GOOD FOR YOU.

- AND...

ONE BIG HUGS ELMO,

ONE FLUTTERBYE FAIRY,

ONE NERF REBELLE HEARTBREAKER

BOW BLASTER...

- A NO-FOAM CAPPUCCINO

AND A HAZELNUT LATTE.

THAT'LL BE $7.55, PLEASE.

- THANKS.

SO MY LAWYER'S RECOMMENDING

WE PUT THE HOUSE UP FOR SALE

IN FEBRUARY.

- YOU SPOKE TO A LAWYER?

- YEAH, THIS MORNING.

HE SAID I SHOULDN'T WAIT TOO

LONG TO FILE THE DIVORCE PAPERS.

- SO IT'S REALLY OVER?

- JOHN HAD A CHOICE:

ME OR WHISKEY.

HE ANSWERED LOUD AND CLEAR.

- I'M SO SORRY.

- JUST ONE PLAY DOC MCSTUFFINS,

ONE RAGGEDY ANNE,

ANDY STATION WAGON,

ONE MAGIC GLITTER GLOW WATCH...

- OH, HE DOESN'T LOOK SO HAPPY.

- ONE CHELSEA DOLL COTTAGE,

ONE EASY-BAKE OVEN,

AND ONE 48-KARAT D FLAWLESS

OVAL SHAPED DIAMOND BRACELET,

AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

- WELL, BOY--

[chuckles]

SO DOES SANTA.

YEAH, 250 ON LULLABY LIGHTNING

IN THE SIXTH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN

"PLACE THE BET MYSELF?"

HARRY, I DON'T GET OFF WORK

UNTIL 5:00.

WHAT IF I DON'T MAKE IT

DOWN THERE IN TIME?

[scoffs]

COME ON!

WHEN HAVE I EVER STIFFED YOU

BEFORE?

YEAH, BUT BESIDES THAT.

BESIDES THAT.

HARRY.

HARRY!

[groans]

OH, GOD.

[muttering]

WHERE'S MY HAT?

WHERE'S MY HAT?

- I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OKAY, BYE.

- HEY, PAL.

AH.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

- A NERF GUN.

AND DON'T FORGET THE BATTERIES.

- I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER.

- LAST YEAR YOU FORGOT

THE BATTERIES.

- OKAY, OKAY.

[sighs]

HEY, AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- BILLY.

- BILLY.

YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY, BILLY?

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT

FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?

- I WANT YOU TO BRING MY MOMMY

AND DADDY BACK TOGETHER.

[bells tolling]

- OH, YOU GOT IT.

- [gasps]

YOU CAN REALLY DO THAT?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- REALLY?

REALLY?

- DONE AND DONE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OH!

OKAY.

I GUESS WE'RE GONNA HUG IT OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

- WELL, SOMEBODY LOOKS HAPPY.

WHAT'D SANTA PROMISE YOU?

LOTS OF GOOD STUFF?

- HEY, HEY!

SORRY, KIDS,

SANTA'S GOT TO GO

FEED HIS REINDEER,

SO I'LL BE BACK IN FIVE.

KNOCK 'EM DEAD, AMESH.

[grunts]

BOO-YA.

HEY, SIS, YOU MIND DROPPING ME

OFF AT THE RACETRACK?

- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

- OH, I'M NOT GONNA BET

VERY MUCH.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT IT IS

YOU PROMISED THAT LITTLE BOY

BACK THERE?

- WHAT LITTLE BOY?

- UH, THE LITTLE BOY

WITH THE BLONDE CURLY HAIR

AND THE RED SHIRT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY INKLING

OF WHAT IT IS

YOU JUST PROMISED HIM?

- XBOX?

- I HEARD YOU PROMISE YOU'D

GET HIS PARENTS BACK TOGETHER

BY CHRISTMAS.

- PRETTY SURE IT WAS XBOX.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT'S GONNA BE WAITING FOR HIM

UNDER THE TREE

ON CHRISTMAS MORNING?

IF YOU SAY "XBOX" AGAIN,

SO HELP ME, NICK,

I WILL PUNCH YOU.

I WILL PUNCH YOU.

MISERY, TEARS, AND HEARTBREAK,

NICK.

THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA BE WAITING

FOR THAT LITTLE BOY

ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

BECAUSE OF YOU.

- LOOK, IT WAS ALMOST 5:00.

- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

- HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME,

RO?

AN APOLOGY?

OKAY, I'M SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE THAT

PROMISE TO THE KID.

I'M SORRY.

- THOSE ARE JUST WORDS, NICK.

THAT'S JUST...HOT AIR.

- OH, RO, COME ON.

- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY

BUT YOURSELF.

YOU NEVER HAVE.

AND YOU'RE NEVER GONNA CHANGE.

I TRIED, MOM.

GOOD-BYE, NICK.

- WAIT, RO,

HEY, HOLD ON.

ALL RIGHT. RO.

[engine turns over]

HEY.

HEY! HEY.

HEY, RO, WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE MY RIDE HOME, RO.

WAIT!

WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT!

- NOTE TO SELF:

EXPLORE PUTTING CONVERSION EXITS

ON THE HOME PAGE

TO IMPROVE NAVIGATION.

BILLY, DINNER!

- WHAT ARE WE HAVING?

- POT ROAST.

I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAVORITE--

- I LOVE POT ROAST!

- WELL, THAT'S A SWITCH.

GO WASH YOUR HANDS.

- RIGHT AWAY!

- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

WITH MY REAL SON?

- [sighs]

[sighs]

[thunder rumbling]

[doorbell rings]

- [sighs]

- HEY, CAROL.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL.

- I FORGOT.

IS BILLY HERE?

- HE'S SLEEPING.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE, JOHN.

- I BROUGHT YOU GUYS A TREE.

- WE HAVE A TREE,

AND I SEE YOU'RE LIT LIKE ONE.

- OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA LIE,

I MAY HAVE HAD A NIP OR TWO

AT THE BAR,

BUT I DIDN'T DRIVE.

SAL TOOK ME HERE.

- THEN SAL CAN DRIVE YOU HOME.

- I AM HOME, CAROL.

OKAY, THIS IS MY HOME.

N-NOT SOME HOTEL.

THIS IS MY HOME.

- NOT ANYMORE.

- HOME IS THE SPOT WHERE

THEY GOTTA TAKE YA IN, CAROL.

ROBERT FROST WROTE THAT.

- RIGHT.

I GUESS YOU FORGOT THE ONE ABOUT

PROMISES TO KEEP.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ THAT ONE

AGAIN, JOHN.

GOOD-BYE.

[door shuts]

- [sighs]

[thunder rumbling]

[rain falling]

[panting]

- HEY, CAN YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

WHICH ONE OF THESE ANGELS

DO YOU LIKE BETTER?

THAT ONE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE

KENNY ROGERS, DON'T YOU THINK?

YOU KNOW, THE GAMBLER?

[chuckles]

ONLY THING

HE'S GAMBLED ON IS...

[mimics bassy voice]

PLASTIC SURGERY.

AND THIS ONE--

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY,

LOOKS LIKE MERYL STREEP.

NOW, MY SOPHIE'S CHOICE IS

WHICH ONE TO USE FOR THE TREE.

GOT A PREFERENCE?

- NO.

- A MAN OF FEW WORDS,

LIKE A GUNFIGHTER.

I LIKE THAT.

MAYBE THERE'S ROOM FOR BOTH.

- ARE YOU A, UH--

YOU KNOW, A PRIEST?

- [Irish accent]

AYE, MY BOY!

FATHER O'FLANNIGAN.

- YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?

- [laughs]

YES, I'M JOKING.

I'M THE PASTOR.

PASTOR RUTH.

PASTOR RUTH.

PASS THE MARMALADE.

I'M FAMISHED.

OH, COME ON!

[chuckles]

THIS IS SOME OF

MY BEST MATERIAL.

- OH.

SORRY, I--

JUST NOT IN THE MOOD TO LAUGH

RIGHT NOW.

- ROUGH NIGHT?

- [chuckles]

YOU COULD SAY THAT.

- WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,

I SPECIALIZE IN ROUGH NIGHTS.

IT'S PART OF MY JOB DESCRIPTION.

COME ON.

LET'S SIT.

YOU PROMISED THE LITTLE BOY

THAT YOU WOULD GET HIS PARENTS

BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS?

- IT WAS ALMOST POST TIME.

- [sighs]

YOU GOTTA STOP SAYING THAT.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.

- TELL ME SOMETHING, NICK.

WHY'D YOU WALK IN HERE TONIGHT?

- IT WAS RAINING.

- THE RAIN STOPPED

TEN MINUTES AGO,

AND YOU HAVEN'T MOVED.

YOU'RE STILL HERE.

THE GUILT IS EATING YOU UP,

RIGHT?

LIKE THE CREATURE

IN THE FIRST ALIEN.

REMEMBER THE FIRST ALIEN?

THE CREATURE BURST OUT

OF THAT MAN'S BELLY

AND SHOT ACROSS THE ROOM.

THAT'S YOUR GUILT.

IT'S EATING YOU UP.

- THE ALIEN?

- ABSOLUTELY.

AND YOUR JOB

IS TO LURE IT INTO THE AIR LOCK

AND SEND IT TO OUTER SPACE

LIKE SIGOURNEY WEAVER.

IT'S JUST YOU AND THE ALIEN.

- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL IT?

- BY KEEPING YOUR PROMISE.

- WHAT, TO THAT KID?

I'M SUPPOSED TO GET HIS PARENTS

BACK TOGETHER?

- MM-HMM.

- BY CHRISTMAS MORNING?

[chuckles]

YOU KNOW I'M NOT ACTUALLY

SANTA CLAUS, RIGHT?

- THANKS FOR EDIFYING,

BUT YOU ASKED FOR MY ADVICE,

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.

- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO

FOLLOW IT?

- NICK, I DON'T HAVE

ALL THE ANSWERS,

I JUST WORK FOR THE BIG GUY.

- YEAH, LOOK,

ABOUT THAT.

NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M NOT SURE

I REALLY BELIEVE IN--

- [laughing]

NONE TAKEN.

HE'S A GROWN-UP.

HE CAN HANDLE REJECTION.

NOW, ABOUT THIS ALIEN...

- SIGOURNEY WEAVER HAD

A SPEAR GUN.

WHERE'S MY SPEAR GUN?

- YOU JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON?

- UH-HUH.

- WHAT WERE YOU IN FOR?

- GRIFTING.

- [gasps]

[imitates air whooshing]

- [chuckles]

- I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

- SORRY TO HARP ON

MINOR DETAILS,

BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET

TWO PEOPLE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS?

- WORKIN' ON IT.

- YOU'RE WORKING SOME ANGLE

HERE.

YOU HAVE TO BE.

- NO.

THIS JOB'S COMPLETELY

ON THE LEVEL, RO.

WOW.

I'M GONNA NEED SOME

EXPENSE MONEY, THOUGH.

AT LEAST FIVE OR SIX GRAND.

- WELL, I HAVEN'T GOT IT.

- RIGHT.

- [sighs]

BUT, YOU HAVE.

- SAY AGAIN?

- $5,800.

YOUR SHARE OF THE SALE

OF MOM'S CONDO--

AFTER TAXES.

- 5,800 BUCKS?

WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME

ABOUT THIS, RO?

- UH, WHEN I KNEW YOU WEREN'T

GONNA SPEND IT ON HOOKERS,

HORSES,

OR ANOTHER GAME OF CRAPS.

- YOU WERE NEVER GONNA TELL ME.

- LEVEL WITH ME, NICK.

THIS THING YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?

- WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

OF COURSE IT'S NOT POSSIBLE,

BUT...

I HAVE TO TRY.

I NEED A WAY OF GETTING CLOSE TO

THIS WOMAN AND HER EX-HUSBAND.

- HE'S NOT EX YET.

I OVERHEARD HER

TALKING TO A FRIEND.

- WISH I KNEW WHAT HER NAME WAS.

- THAT I CAN HELP YOU WITH.

[babies crying]

- YEAH, GET IT UP RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S GOOD.

HEY.

- HI, GUYS.

- HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING?

- EVERY DAY WE SAY,

"YEAH, NO,

THOSE WALLS ARE COMING UP,

AND THAT WALL'S COMING UP,"

BUT I DON'T SEE THE WALLS

REALLY COMING UP.

- WELL, NO. I SEE WALLS.

- YEAH, WE'RE ON SCHEDULE.

- OKAY, I WANT THEM--

I WANT TWO WALLS UP TODAY.

- YOU GOT IT.

- OKAY.

OKAY.

- WELL, I MEAN, I WAS JUST--

- YEAH.

- WE'RE CLEAR.

[groans]

NICE.

SO MY WIFE WANTS ME

TO EAT MORE FRUIT.

- COME ON, MAN.

- SMART.

- I DO IT FOR HER.

- PERFECT.

[drill whirring]

- [sighs]

HEY, IT'S 10:30, GUYS.

- LUNCHTIME.

- YOU KNOW IT.

- YES.

- YOU'RE BUYING.

- NO.

- YES, YOU ARE.

- I PAID LAST TIME.

- YEAH, BUT I--I'M GONNA PAY

TWICE AFTER THAT.

SO YOU GET THE NEXT ONE.

- NO.

- [exhales]

- [sighs]

- OH, MY GOD!

ARE YOU OKAY?

GOD.

WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

- [stammering]

THE WORKERS--

- NO, YOU BETTER GET FEMA

DOWN HERE.

- THE WORKERS ARE AT LUNCH,

AND H-HOW DID YOU GET--

- I WAS DRIVING BY

AND I SAW THE DUST CLOUD.

ARE YOU THE OWNER?

- YEAH.

- OH, BOY,

OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

FAULTY LANCET BEAM.

BOY, OH, BOY,

OH, BOY.

TELL ME THE TRUTH, MA'AM,

IS THIS ONE OF THOSE

DO-IT-YOURSELF KIND OF THINGS?

- NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I HIRED FOUR PROFESSIONALS.

- YEAH, WELL,

THAT'S DEBATABLE.

YEAH, THESE LANCET SCREWS

ARE SHOT.

SORRY.

IT'S CONTRACTOR TALK.

- YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR?

- YEAH, JUST FOR THE LAST

TEN YEARS.

- OH.

"NICK KENSINGTON CONSTRUCTION."

- YEAH, THAT NICK KENSINGTON.

THE ONE WHO BUILT THE GAZEBO

BEHIND THE GOVERNOR'S MANSION.

LOOK, I'M GLAD YOU LOVE IT.

IT'S WINNING

ALL KINDS OF AWARDS,

BUT I'M SICK TO DEATH

OF TALKING ABOUT IT.

WHEW!

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I'M TAKIN' OFF.

YOU KNOW, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN

A LOT WORSE, MA'AM.

YOU KNOW, JUST BE GRATEFUL

THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS

RUNNING AROUND.

SO LONG.

- I HAVE A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY.

- SEVEN?

IS THERE--IS THERE SOMEPLACE

SAFE HE CAN GO STAY FOR AWHILE,

YOU KNOW, GRANDPARENTS,

MAYBE?

- NO.

OKAY, LOOK,

MR. KENSINGTON,

I KNOW THIS IS LAST-MINUTE,

BUT IS THERE ANY WAY

THAT I COULD HIRE YOU

TO FINISH THIS JOB?

- ME?

YOU MEAN FIT IT IN BEFORE I

START DEREK JETER'S GUEST HOUSE

NEXT MONTH?

[chuckles]

WHOO.

OH, MAN.

- SHE THINKS

YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR?

- START WORK TOMORROW MORNING.

- OH, THEN YOU GOT NOTHING

TO WORRY ABOUT.

TOMORROW IS MONTHS AWAY.

YOU'VE NEVER EVEN SWUNG A HAMMER

IN YOUR LIFE, NICK.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA LEARN

IN 12 HOURS?

- EASY-PEASY.

- SO YOU WANT TO BUILD

AN ADDITION

AND NOT PAY A CARPENTER.

WELL, OLD WALTER BANFIELD'S

GONNA SHOW YOU HOW.

FIRST, YOU'RE GONNA NEED

A HAMMER.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOME NAILS.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A STACK

OF YELLOW PINE 2x4s,

AND YOU'RE GONNA NEED 12 CASES

OF ROCKY SPRINGS LAGER.

OH, YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA NEED.

- SO BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL.

HELP YOURSELF TO WHATEVER'S

IN THE FRIDGE,

AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS,

I'LL JUST BE INSIDE WORKING

MOST OF THE DAY.

- CAN I ASK WHAT YOU DO?

- WEB DESIGNER.

- SOUNDS INTERESTING.

- SOME DAYS.

AND THEY LET ME WORK FROM HOME

MOST OF THE WEEK SO...

- YEAH, I WORK FROM HOME TOO--

OTHER PEOPLES'.

HEY, HEY!

CONTRACTOR HUMOR.

OH, THAT'S A NICE PICTURE.

IS THAT--IS THAT YOUR HUSBAND

RIGHT THERE?

- YES,

THAT'S HIM IN THE PICTURE,

BUT HE'S NO LONGER, YOU KNOW,

"IN THE PICTURE."

- GOT IT.

- RIGHT.

SO HERE ARE THE SPECS

FOR THE NEW ADDITION.

- OKAY.

MMM.

VERY NICE.

- YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM

UPSIDE DOWN.

- I KNOW.

YOUR FIRST VIEW SHOULD ALWAYS BE

UPSIDE DOWN.

GIVES YOU A FRESH PERSPECTIVE

ON THE DESIGN.

NOW THE FLIP.

[sucks teeth]

YEP.

LOOKS GOOD THIS WAY TOO.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN.

I'LL BE IN TO CHECK ON YOU

LATER TODAY.

- UH, AFRAID NOT, MRS. GUTHRIE.

I HAVE A POLICY

WITH MY CLIENTS--

NO PEEKING.

- "NO PEEKING"?

- STRICTLY ENFORCED.

SUPERSTITIOUS?

MAYBE.

BUT IF I MAKE AN EXCEPTION

FOR YOU,

IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR

TO THE GOVERNOR

OR DEREK JETER

OR STAR JONES,

PHIL DONAHUE--

YOU KNOW, ANYBODY.

AS SOON AS I FINISH THE OFFICE,

YOU'LL BE THE FIRST ONE

TO SEE IT.

HAVE I GOT YOUR WORD?

- WELL, I GUESS SO,

IF IT'S REALLY THAT IMPORTANT

TO YOU.

- IT IS.

IT REALLY IS.

HEY, NO PEEKING!

HUH?

- [giggles]

- NO PEEKING.

RIGHT.

OKAY.

- NOW, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO HOLD

THE NAIL REAL STEADY.

REAL STEADY, SEE?

THEN YOU'RE GONNA BRING DOWN

THE HAMMER IN A CONTROLLED ARC,

LIKE SO.

HA HA!

NOW YOU TRY IT.

BRING DOWN THE HAMMER.

BRING IT DOWN!

DID YOU HIT IT?

IF NOT, HAVE ANOTHER BEER.

I BET YOU'LL HIT IT.

OH, WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T STRIKE THE NAIL

ON THE SIDE.

IF YOU HIT IT THERE,

IT COULD SHOOT OFF

AND HIT SOMETHING

WICKED VALUABLE.

SOMETHING WICKED VALUABLE.

YEAH?

- [screams]

[screaming]

AHH!

MAMA MIA!

- MR. KENSINGTON?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I'M FINE.

JUST WATCHING THE GAME.

KNICKS ARE LOSING.

- OH.

WELL, I HOPE YOUR TEAM

SCORES MORE BASKETS.

- THANK YOU.

[screams]

- MR. KENSINGTON?

- THE SIXERS JUST DREW

A PERSONAL FOUL.

- OKAY.

[saw buzzes]

- [screams]

[gasps and screams]

- HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING OUT THERE?

- OH, REALLY WELL.

THANKS.

- SORRY YOUR TEAM'S PLAYING

SO BADLY.

- ME TOO.

- DO GAMES USUALLY LAST

FIVE HOURS?

- ONLY WHEN IT GOES INTO

QUADRUPLE OVERTIME.

ARE THESE ORANGES OR TANGELOS?

- UH, ORANGES, I THINK.

IS YOUR HAND OKAY?

- HMM?

YEAH, YEAH.

IT JUST GETS COLD A LOT.

RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

COLD LEFT HAND.

- MOM!

- IN HERE, HONEY.

MY SON.

- OH.

- HEY, BILLY.

THIS IS MR. KENSINGTON.

HE'S DOING WORK

ON OUR HOUSE.

- HI.

- HEY, BILLY.

- YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

- I DO?

WELL, I GUESS I MUST HAVE

ONE OF THOSE FACES, HUH?

- AND SOUND FAMILIAR.

- AND ONE OF THOSE VOICES.

THANK YOU.

- YEAH.

ANY PROGRESS?

- STILL COLLECTING INTEL.

- YEAH, WELL,

I GOT SOME INTEL FOR YOU:

THEY ARE EXPECTING YOU BACK

IN THE SANTA SUIT BY TOMORROW.

- I KNOW.

- AND YOU CAN'T BE IN TWO PLACES

AT ONCE.

- I KNOW.

- THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP,

NICK.

OH, MAN.

THAT'S A NICE TRUCK.

- OH, IT'S A RENTAL.

HOW YOU FEELING?

- OH, I TURNED A NEW LEAF

IN THERE, MAN.

I'M FEELIN' GOOD.

I'M PUTTING ALL THE CHEATING,

LYING, AND DISHONESTY BEHIND ME.

- OH, THAT'S GREAT,

BUT FIRST,

I NEED YOU TO BE ME

FOR A COUPLE WEEKS.

- YOU GOT IT.

BEATS BEING MYSELF.

HO, HO, HO.

WHAT CAN SANTA BRING YOU

THIS CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOY?

- A NEW LAPTOP.

- WHAT? THAT'S EXPENSI

[Do You Hear What I Hear?

playing softly]

*

- NOTE TO SELF:

CONSIDER RETHINKING

BACKGROUND PROPERTIES

AND TEXT ALIGNMENT

ON THE MAIN PAGE.

BILLY, I DON'T HEAR YOU

PRACTICING.

- GOT TO FIND SOME INTEL.

- MR. KENSINGTON.

- STAY BACK!

I-I SAW IT GO RUNNING IN HERE.

- SAW WHAT?

- THE MOUSE.

THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN

TWO OF THEM.

YOU BETTER PUT SOME SHOES ON.

WAIT!

YOUR SHOES ARE RIGHT HERE.

DON'T PUT SOME SHOES ON.

JUST STAY BACK!

- MR. KENSINGTON,

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT A MOUSE.

- YOU'RE NOT?

- NO.

I'M JUST GONNA GIVE IT

TO THE CAT.

IN FACT, SHE MIGHT EVEN THANK ME

FOR IT.

IT'S FUNNY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE

LOOKING AT BILLY'S MUSTANG.

- BILLY'S--

- HIS P-51 FIGHTER JET.

IT'S A BIRTHDAY PRESENT

FROM HIS FATHER.

BILLY LOVED IT.

- YEAH, I BROKE MY SHARE OF TOYS

GROWING UP TOO.

- BILLY DIDN'T DO THIS.

[cell phone rings]

UGH.

- CLIENT?

- MR. MILLER.

THE MAN IS SHORTENING MY LIFE.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE OFFICE

FOR A COUPLE MINUTES.

CAN I ASK YOU A HUGE FAVOR?

THANKS FOR AGREEING TO BABYSIT.

- NO PROBLEM.

- I'LL BE AN HOUR,

HOUR AND A HALF TOPS.

BILLY, LISTEN TO MR. KENSINGTON.

HE'S IN CHARGE.

DON'T FORGET TO MAKE HIM

PRACTICE.

PAGEANT IS THREE DAYS AWAY.

- WILL DO.

- THANKS.

- HEY, BUDDY.

- HEY.

- I LIKE THAT SONG

YOU WERE PLAYING.

DON'T YOU WANT TO

KEEP PLAYING IT?

- I'M SICK OF IT NOW.

- WELL, MAYBE WE CAN MAKE IT

MORE INTERESTING.

YOU GOT ANY PAPER?

OH.

IS THIS YOUR DAD?

HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.

- HE'S THE BEST,

BUT HE DOESN'T LIVE WITH US

ANYMORE,

BUT HE WILL!

SEVEN MORE DAYS.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- IT'S A SECRET.

- YOU BELIEVE IT THOUGH, HUH?

OH, OF COURSE YOU DO.

THAT'S JUST GREAT.

- MR...GUTHRIE?

- IT'S OKAY, OLIVIA.

I'M EXPECTED...

TO NEVER SET FOOT

IN THIS PLACE AGAIN.

- ROCKY SPRINGS JUST HAD

ITS BEST NOVEMBER EVER,

AND WE ARE CRAZY ABOUT

THAT SLOGAN YOU CAME UP WITH.

"NOON AT LAST"?

THAT'S BRILLIANT.

- WELL, THAT WAS STEVE'S

INSPIRATION.

- SOMETIMES YOU JUST GET LUCKY.

- DAMN RIGHT YOU GOT LUCKY.

TAKING CREDIT FOR MY WORK, HUH?

HUH, YOU'RE LUCKY

I DON'T STRANGLE YOU.

- JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, CONGRATS

ON THE BIG PROMOTION TOO.

HUH?

YOU LITTLE VIPER.

- GET HIM OUT.

- I'M SORRY.

- CALM DOWN, BUDDY.

TAKE IT EASY.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WAIT.

YOU'RE EJECTING THE WRONG GUY.

- I'M SURE.

- WHAT ARE YOU--

GET OFF OF ME.

- I AM SO SORRY, MR. WAXMAN.

I--

[chuckles]

- YOU KNOW, I GUESS SOME PEOPLE

LIKE YOUR PRODUCT

A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

- YEAH.

- THAT'S RIGHT.

both: * SAID THE SHEPHERD BOY

TO THE LITTLE LAMB *

* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING

* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING

* ARE YOU SURE ABOUT YOUR FACTS,

LITTLE LAMB? *

* 'CAUSE I DON'T HEAR

A DARN THING *

* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING

* IT WAS PROBABLY

JUST THE WIND *

* WHISTLING THROUGH THE TREES

* AND YOU'RE JUST

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS *

* YOU'RE JUST JUMPING

TO CONCLUSIONS *

* SAID THE LITTLE LAMB

TO THE SHEPHERD BOY *

* IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE HERE

I CAN TALK TO? *

* IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE HERE

I CAN TALK TO? *

* EVEN YOUR SILLY STICK,

SHEPHERD BOY *

* BECAUSE I KNOW

* I REALLY HEARD A SOUND

* AND I'M NOT JUST

MAKING THIS UP *

* I'M NOT JUST MAKING THIS UP

[laughter]

[applause]

- BRAVO!

- MOM, MR. KENSINGTON

CHANGED THE SONG.

HE MADE IT BETTER!

- I HEARD.

- YEAH, I'M NOT SURE

ROME WOULD APPROVE,

BUT AT LEAST

HE KNOWS THE CHORDS NOW.

[horn honking]

- OH, THEY'RE HERE, HONEY.

GO GET YOUR BACKPACK.

HIS FRIEND.

HE'S HAVING A SLEEPOVER.

NOW, BE GOOD FOR MRS. NICHOLS

AND REMEMBER TO ASK FOR SECONDS.

- HER COOKING'S NASTY, MOM.

- I KNOW, BUT WE CAN'T TELL HER

THAT UNTIL WHEN?

- 2056.

- [laughs]

GIVE ME A KISS.

[smooches]

ALL RIGHT.

OFF YOU GO.

HEY.

BYE, HONEY.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

- UH, NOT JUST YET.

- WELL, I'M VERY IMPRESSED.

HEY, HAVE YOU HAD LUNCH?

THERE'S A DINER DOWN THE STREET,

AND I'M FAMISHED.

- UH, SURE.

- OH, IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY--

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M JUST WAITING FOR SOME LANCET

GLUE TO DRY ON SOME 2x4s.

I HAVE TIME.

- GREAT.

LET ME JUST GRAB MY KEYS.

- IS THAT MACE?

- OH, YEAH.

YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL.

PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS

WHO THEY SEEM TO BE.

- RIGHT?

BILLY IS A TERRIFIC KID.

- THE BEST.

[laughs]

- HOW OFTEN DOES HE SEE

HIS FATHER?

- JOHN?

UM...

WHENEVER HE'S SOBER ENOUGH

TO BE SEEN.

THINK WE'RE DOWN TO...

TWICE A MONTH NOW.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

- ONCE,

FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES.

IT ENDED.

- CAN I ASK WHAT HAPPENED?

STOP ME IF I'M GETTING

TOO PERSONAL.

- OH, NO.

YOU'RE FINE.

YOU KNOW, MOSTLY, IT WAS

MY CAREER THAT BOTHERED HER.

- YOUR CAREER?

- YEAH, YEAH.

SHE SAID THAT MY BEING A CON--

TRACTOR WAS DRIVING HER CRAZY.

SO SHE WANTED ME TO QUIT,

DO SOMETHING LESS DANGEROUS.

- OH.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOMEBUILDING

COULD BE SO DANGEROUS.

- YEAH, IT CAN BE.

YEAH, IF--

LIGHTNING STRIKES,

NAIL GUN MISHAPS,

THINGS LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY, UM...

I WOULDN'T GIVE IT UP,

SO SHE WALKED.

DIVORCED ME AND GOT HITCHED

TO A NICE, DEPENDABLE

SOFTWARE ENGINEER NAMED

RONALD SCHLUMBERGER.

[laughter]

- SCHLUMBERGER?

- I KID YOU NOT.

I SEE THEM ONLINE SOMETIMES.

THEY'VE GOT A PASSEL OF TINY

SCHLUMBERGERS RUNNING AROUND.

- [laughing]

- THEY LIVE IN NEBRASKA.

DON'T ASK ME WHY.

THANK YOU FOR LUNCH.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT'S WRONG?

- OH, I--I FORGOT MY PHONE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- OKAY. I'LL GET THE CAR.

- OH, MY GOD.

MISS, MISS!

I THINK MY BABY

JUST SWALLOWED SOMETHING.

- OH, YEAH.

- PLEASE HELP ME.

YOUR PURSE AND YOUR KEYS

RIGHT NOW.

- HUH?

- MOVE IT.

AH!

- NICK!

- [screaming]

SON OF A CRAB CAKE!

- HELP!

- AH! AH!

- NICK, ARE YOU OKAY?

- NO, I'M NOT OKAY!

- AH. AH!

- HOLD STILL.

- AH, WHAT IS THAT?

- THAT'S MILK.

IT NEUTRALIZES THE ACID.

JUST TRY NOT TO TOUCH IT.

- [groans]

- I'M REALLY SORRY.

- AH, FOR WHAT?

- I BROUGHT THE MACE.

- OH, RIGHT.

I FORGOT YOU CATERED

THAT LITTLE PARTY.

- YEAH.

- WELL, AT LEAST YOU KNOW

IT WORKS NOW, RIGHT?

NOW YOU CAN SPRAY

WITH CONFIDENCE.

- WERE YOU ALWAYS THIS FUNNY?

- OH, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

COMEDY COMES OUT OF PAIN.

I'VE ONLY BEEN THIS FUNNY

FOR AN HOUR.

- [laughs]

[sighs]

HEY, THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID

BACK THERE.

- [chuckles]

YOUR TURN.

- MY TURN?

- YEAH.

YOU KNOW ABOUT MY EX.

AH.

WHERE'D YOU MEET YOURS?

- UM...

WELL, WE MET AT DUKE.

I WAS A FINE ARTS MAJOR.

JOHN WAS ENGLISH LIT.

FULL SCHOLARSHIP.

VERY PROUD,

AND AN ALCOHOLIC.

USED TO PULL 3.7s HAMMERED.

HE WASN'T STUPID,

JUST VERY STUPID.

WE BOTH WERE.

- WHY YOU?

- WELL, I DID MORE THAN JUST

PUT UP WITH HIM.

- OH.

PARTY GIRL, HUH?

- [chuckles]

YEAH.

MATCHED HIM SHOT FOR SHOT

FOR A WHILE--

SIX YEARS.

- AND THEN?

- AND THEN SOME THINGS JUST KIND

OF GIVE ME UP, YOU KNOW?

BUT JOHN REFUSED TO SLOW DOWN.

HE GOT INTO ADVERTISING,

AND WHEN HIS DRINKING GOT HIM

FIRED FROM ONE PLACE,

HE JUST GOT HIRED

SOMEPLACE ELSE.

HE'S THAT GOOD.

- AND THEN BILLY CAME ALONG.

- AND THEN BILLY CAME ALONG.

AND THERE ARE NO CHILD SEATS

IN THE FAST LANE.

I THREATENED TO WALK

IF HE DIDN'T QUIT DRINKING,

AND HE DID.

DIDN'T TOUCH A DROP

AFTER HIS SON WAS BORN...

UNTIL TWO MONTHS AGO.

- SOMETHING PUSH HIM

OFF THE WAGON?

- UH,

WORK STUFF.

I DON'T KNOW ALL THE DETAILS.

CLAIMS SOMEBODY AT THE AGENCY

RIPPED HIM OFF.

DOESN'T EXCUSE HIM COMING HOME

DRUNK THAT NIGHT

AND SCREAMING AT ME,

BREAKING HIS SON'S TOYS,

PUTTING HIS FIST

THROUGH THE KITCHEN WALL.

THAT WAS WHEN THE POLICE CAME,

AND THAT WAS HIS LAST NIGHT

HERE,

AND HIS FIRST NIGHT

AT THE NAUGHTY TAVERN.

- NAUGHTY...

- TAVERN.

IT'S HIS FAVORITE WATERING HOLE.

- UH, COFFEE.

BLACK.

HEY, YOU MIND PUTTING THE DUKE

GAME ON?

- NOPE.

DEVILS DON'T PLAY TONIGHT.

NEXT GAME'S THURSDAY, 6:45.

- YOU A DUKESTER?

- RIGHT DOWN TO MY SOCKS.

- WHAT CLASS?

- '03.

'03, JUST WAIT AND SEE.

[imitates explosion]

- WAIT. I--

'02.

'02, WE'RE...COMING FOR YOU.

[imitates gun clicking]

POW!

WAIT A SECOND.

HOLD ON.

IS YOUR NAME GUTHRIE?

JOSH GUTHRIE?

- JOHN.

- JOHN GUTHRIE.

HELL YEAH.

NICK...

STACK...ENHOUSEN.

WE WERE IN ENGLISH COMP

TOGETHER.

- OH, WHAT PROFESSOR?

MCSHEA?

- YOU KNOW IT.

THE MICK.

HE WAS SOMETHING ELSE, HUH?

- LIZ MCSHEA'S A WOMAN.

- YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

I WAS GONNA SAY,

HE WAS SOMETHING ELSE...

A WOMAN.

SHE REALLY DUG YOUR WORK,

MAN.

WE ALL DID.

- THANK YOU.

HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT--

THAT GIRL YOU WERE SEEING?

KAREN?

- CAROL.

- CAROL. RIGHT.

SHE WAS GREAT.

- I MARRIED HER.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

- SHE GAVE ME THE BOOT

SIX WEEKS AGO.

- HEY, DO YOU HAVE

ANY LOCAL BEERS?

- YEAH, ROCKY SPRINGS.

- I LOVE THEIR NEW SLOGAN.

"NOON AT LAST."

- WELL, THEN LOVE ME.

I WROTE IT.

- WHOA.

HEY, JOHN.

- AUTHOR, AUTHOR STANDING

RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU.

- JOHN, ARE WE GONNA HAVE

A PROBLEM HERE?

- NO.

- NO, NO, NO PROBLEM.

HOW ABOUT WE GET SOME SOLID FOOD

TO SOAK UP SOME OF THAT BOURBON?

- OKAY, BUT THAT'S MINE,

YOU KNOW.

- I KNOW.

- I DID THAT ONE.

- HEY, JOHN,

WE SAID SOLID FOOD.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK ICE IS?

[laughs]

- RIGHT.

- SORRY, I'M DRUNK.

- NO PROBLEM.

- IT'S ON ACCOUNT OF

ALL THE ALCOHOL.

- OH, THAT SOLVES THAT RIDDLE.

- YEAH.

- HEY, TELL ME ABOUT CAROL.

YOU KNOW,

WHY'D SHE GIVE YOU THE BOOT?

- WELL, SHE SAYS THAT

I MADE A VOW TO STOP DRINKING,

AND SHE SAYS I BROKE THAT VOW

SIX WEEKS AGO

BY DRINKING.

SHE SAYS THAT I FRIGHTENED HER

WHEN I CAME HOME ROARING DRUNK

THE NIGHT THAT JERK-FACE

TOOK MY SLOGAN.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- OH, SHE'S RIGHT.

YEAH.

- HEY, WELL,

YOU KNOW,

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT UP,

THE BOOZIN'?

- WHY?

- MAYBE CAROL

WILL HAVE YOU BACK.

- [scoffs]

NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I-I BROKE MY PROMISE.

"PROMISES TO KEEP."

I DON'T HAVE A PRAYER

WITH CAROL.

- HEY, THEN DO IT

FOR YOURSELF THEN.

WE CAN GET YOU HELP.

- LOOK, MAN,

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

OKAY?

I DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S HELP.

EXCEPT THE BARTENDER'S.

ANYBODY SEEN MY SHOES?

- [groans]

HEY, SIS.

WHAT'S THAT?

A NEW BLOUSE? IT LOOKS GREAT.

HEY, YOU KNOW,

MY FRIEND PAUL GREENBERG.

PAUL, RIGHT?

HE'S BEEN--

- CLAUSING IT UP AT THE MALL

WHILE YOU'VE BEEN

PLAYING MATCHMAKER?

- RIGHT.

- YEAH. I WORK THERE TOO.

REMEMBER, NICK?

- MM-HMM.

- HOW YOU DOING THERE?

IT'S PAUL GREENBERG?

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- BATHROOM'S THAT WAY.

- I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?

- YES.

- OKAY.

- WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

BETTER YET, WHAT IS HIS SUITCASE

DOING HERE?

- HERE'S THE THING,

HE'S BEEN STAYING AT THE Y

FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS,

AND WE THOUGHT HE COULD SAVE

A LITTLE MONEY IF HE JUST--

- OH, SO YOU THINK I'M RUNNING

A HALFWAY HOUSE

FOR YOU

AND YOUR CONVICT FRIENDS.

- RO...

- NO, NO, NO.

WHY DON'T WE JUST OPEN

A METHADONE CLINIC

IN THE BASEMENT, AND I CAN SELL

HOT TVs OUT OF THE ATTIC.

HOW WOULD THAT BE?

- I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE UPSET.

- YEAH, LOOK, I WANT YOUR FRIEND

AND HIS SUITCASE

OUT OF MY HOUSE

IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES

OR YOU CAN BOTH LEAVE.

AND I'M NOT KIDDING.

- NICK,

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR SISTER

OWNED A YELLOWTAIL DAMSELFISH.

CHRYSIPTERA PARASEMA.

I LOVE THAT SPECIES.

- YOU KNOW ABOUT TROPICAL FISH?

- DOESN'T EVERYONE?

HEY, NICK, DID YOU KNOW THAT

THESE FISH ONLY FEED AT DUSK?

NOW, HOW COOL IS THAT?

- OKAY, I WANT HIM OUT

BY MORNING.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

- AH, SONATA IN G MAJOR.

FRESHWATER FISH,

THEY LOVE THEIR CHOPIN.

I LIKE YOUR STYLE.

[clicks tongue, chuckles]

- OKAY, I WANT HIM OUT

BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY.

- CAN I FEED THEM?

[indistinct conversation]

- I CAN JUST GROW IT

IN THE GARDEN.

OH, AND THIS IS NICK ON

THE SOCCER TEAM IN 11TH GRADE.

HE WAS THE GOALIE.

- YOU SURE DID HAVE

A LOT OF ACNE, NICK.

- THANK YOU, PAUL.

- OH, THIS IS ME

IN THE SCHOOL PLAY.

WE DID OUR TOWN THAT YEAR.

- YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MEG RYAN

RIGHT THERE.

- REALLY?

- OH, YEAH.

[doorbell rings]

- YOU'RE STILL GOING TO SCHOOL.

COME ON IN.

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT

YOUR FLAK JACKET.

- SANTA WASN'T LYING.

YOU'RE CALLING HIM A LIAR.

- I'M NOT.

I'M JUST SAYING

HE OVERPROMISED.

SOMETIMES GROWN-UPS

OVERPROMISE.

- NOT SANTA!

- BILLY.

- WHAT'S UP?

- THE MALL SANTA PROMISED HIM

THAT HE'D GET ME AND HIS FATHER

BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

- WOW.

- I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF IMBECILE

MAKES A PROMISE LIKE THAT

TO A LITTLE CHILD?

- RIGHT?

YOU NEVER KNOW, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW,

HE MIGHT BE A BRIGHT,

FUNNY, GOOD-LOOKING GUY

WHO WAS LEGITIMATELY DISTRACTED.

YOU JUST--

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

- NOW HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO

PLAY IN THE PAGEANT TODAY.

- IT'S TODAY?

- YEAH.

- DO YOU MIND IF I TALK TO HIM

MAN-TO-MAN?

- YEAH.

[knocks on door]

- HEY, CHAMP.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I HEARD ABOUT SANTA'S PROMISE

AT THE MALL THE OTHER DAY.

- HE WASN'T LYING.

- I KNOW.

- YOU KNOW?

- SURE.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL BE ABLE

TO KEEP THAT PROMISE.

YOU KNOW, SOME JOBS

ARE EVEN TOO BIG FOR SANTA,

BUT HE'LL GIVE IT HIS BEST SHOT.

YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT EVEN

GET YOUR DAD TO COME

TO THE PAGEANT TODAY.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY

A LITTLE REINDEER TOLD ME.

[chuckles]

- JUST THE MAN I'M LOOKING FOR.

- HEY, CLASS OF '02.

- AH, THAT'S ME.

HEY, JOHN, YOU KNOW THAT BIG

GROCERY STORE UP THE ROAD THERE?

WELL, THIS WAS ON

THEIR BULLETIN BOARD.

- CHRISTMAS PAGEANT?

- YEAH, IT'S TODAY.

AND SEE?

BILLY'S GONNA BE PLAYING IN IT.

- I TOLD YOU MY SON'S NAME?

- HOW ELSE WOULD I KNOW IT?

THAT MEANS CAROL'S GONNA

BE THERE TOO, RIGHT?

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE

TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

- [sighs]

- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO

GET CLEANED UP,

AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

YOU HAD THAT SUIT WASHED?

- YESTERDAY.

- I DON'T MEAN IN THE RAIN.

- OH.

TWO MONTHS.

- MR. KENSINGTON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING--

- WELL, YOU THINK I WOULDN'T BE

HERE FOR BILLY?

I'D SOONER MISS THE OSCARS.

- AW.

- HE WAS ACTUALLY GIDDY

ABOUT PERFORMING TONIGHT.

WHAT'D YOU SAY TO HIM ANYWAY?

- SORRY.

PRIVILEGED CONVERSATION.

MAN-TO-MAN.

- AH, OKAY.

- YEAH.

- [chuckles]

[playing Silent Night on bells]

*

ANYTHING WRONG?

- NO.

NO.

- [gasps]

THERE HE IS.

[squeals]

[giggles]

kids:

* SAID THE NIGHT WIND--

- OH, MY GOD.

kids:

* DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

- PLEASE SIT DOWN.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

I'M SORRY.

- HMM?

- [humming]

* SHEPHERD BOY

* DO YOU SEE WHAT I KNOW?

* DO-DO-DO

THE SHEPHERD BOY *

* DO YOU SEE WHAT I KNOW?

NO, NO, NO.

DON'T STOP.

DON'T STOP.

KEEP GOING, BUDDY.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

DOING GREAT.

- JOHN.

- SON, DON'T STOP.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

I'LL JUST--

BE OVER HERE SOMEWHERE, OKAY?

THAT'S MY BOY BILLY UP THERE,

EVERYBODY.

THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE.

HUH? ISN'T HE GREAT?

[claps]

LET'S GIVE HIM A BIG HAND,

HUH?

BIG HAND FOR BILLY.

COME ON.

WHAT--

WHAT?

WHAT--

OKAY.

[stammering]

POLICE BRUTALITY.

YOU'RE ALL WITNESSES.

WHAT?

- OH, MY GOD.

HE STOLE IT.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH DADDY?

- I TOLD YOU.

DADDY IS VERY SICK.

- IS HE EVER GONNA GET BETTER?

- MAYBE.

IF HE WANTS TO,

BUT RIGHT NOW

HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

- HOW IS HE?

- SLEEPING.

FINALLY.

HERE'S HOPING I CAN TOO, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- ARE YOU HUNGRY?

CAN I FIX YOU SOMETHING?

- NO, NO.

IN FACT,

I SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOIN'.

- OH, OKAY.

I'LL WALK YOU OUT.

WHAT WERE YOU SORRY FOR?

- SAY AGAIN?

- WHEN JOHN WENT WOBBLING

TOWARDS THE STAGE,

I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY,

"I'M SORRY."

WHAT WERE YOU SORRY FOR?

- I-I DON'T REMEMBER.

GUESS I WAS SORRY THAT

YOU AND BILLY HAD TO SEE THAT.

- YEAH.

ME TOO.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T HELP FEELING

THAT MOST OF THIS IS MY FAULT.

I KNOW IT'S NOT RATIONAL,

BUT MAYBE I WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH

WIFE TO HIM.

- CAROL.

- NO, MAYBE I--

MAYBE I DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH.

- CAROL, LOOK AT ME.

YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR JOHN.

HE MESSED UP.

NOT YOU.

HE HAS TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.

YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO.

YOU'VE GOT BILLY TO THINK ABOUT.

HEY,

YOU WERE RIGHT.

NO CHILD SEATS IN THE FAST LANE.

- YOU WANT TO STAY

FOR A GLASS OF WINE?

- [sighs]

I WANT TO.

I'D LOVE TO,

BUT...

IT'S--IT'S GETTING LATE.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT BILLY.

HE'S A TOUGH KID.

- YEAH.

- ALMOST AS TOUGH AS HIS MOM.

- NICK?

NICK,

I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.

HOW'S IT GOING?

- HEY.

- WANT TO SHARE A KING-SIZED

CHOCOLATE AND NOUGAT?

- NO, THANKS.

- SO WHERE ARE YOU BOUND FOR,

NICK?

- MILWAUKEE.

- WHO'S IN MILWAUKEE?

- NOBODY.

THAT'S ONE OF ITS CHARMS.

WHERE ARE YOU--

- WELL, ONE OF MY FLOCK

GOT HIMSELF INTO

QUITE THE PICKLE.

NOT TOO FAR FROM HERE.

I GOT TO GO WHERE I'M NEEDED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, NICK?

WHATEVER HAPPENED WITH YOU

AND THE ALIEN?

- [scoffs]

- REALLY, NICK?

SOMEPLACE ELSE YOU GOT TO BE

RIGHT NOW?

- SO BECAUSE OF YOU,

THE HUSBAND'S IN JAIL,

THE WIFE IS HALF IN LOVE

WITH YOU,

YOU MIGHT FEEL THE SAME

FOR HER AS WELL.

IS THAT THE TWEET?

- THAT'S THE TWEET.

- [laughs]

AS IF THIS SITUATION

WASN'T DRAMATIC ENOUGH.

- SEE?

THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT

TO SAY ANYTHING.

- HMM.

YOU HAD TO SPICE IT UP.

MAKE IT MORE EXCITING.

I UNDERSTAND.

MM-HMM.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, THE MOST

SARCASTIC CLERIC OF ALL TIME.

YOU KNOW THAT?

- [laughs]

ACTUALLY...

[laughs]

I'M IN DEAD HEAT

WITH THOMAS AQUINAS.

BUT YOU WANT TO HEAR

SOMETHING FUNNY, NICK?

- YOU MEAN FOR A CHANGE?

- [laughs]

I'M HOLDING BACK ON THE SARCASM.

- WHAT ARE YOU PICKING ON ME

FOR?

- BECAUSE I EXPECT MORE

FROM YOU.

EH, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

GOOD PEOPLE HAVE IT TOUGHER.

- WHO SAYS I'M GOOD?

- WHY'D YOU LEAVE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TELL

ANYBODY,

AND YOU LOOK TIRED, NICK.

YOUR EYES ARE AS BLOODSHOT

AS COURTNEY LOVE

ON A SUNDAY MORNING,

AND I KNOW YOU'RE STILL

HAVING A HARD TIME SLEEPING.

YOU KNOW, NICK,

IF YOU WEREN'T A GOOD PERSON,

NONE OF THIS WOULD BE

NAGGING YOU.

- I CAN'T HELP THEM.

- MAYBE NOT.

- I'M SORRY?

- MAYBE NOT.

LISTEN, NICK,

FAMILIES BREAK APART

ALL THE TIME.

MAYBE YOU CAN'T HELP THEM.

- BUT?

- BUT HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED

AS HARD AS YOU CAN?

HAVE YOU DONE EVERYTHING

IN YOUR POWER?

OR DO YOU HAVE JUST

A LITTLE MORE GAS IN YOUR TANK?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RETURN

THE CAR WITH AN EMPTY TANK.

THAT'S THE RULE.

- WHOSE RULE?

[chuckles]

NO, I TOLD YOU,

I DON'T BELIEVE--

- AHH, NICK.

BUT HE BELIEVES IN YOU,

AND HE ALWAYS HAS.

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

- [exhales]

STEALING A SUIT?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

- I WANTED TO MAKE

A GOOD IMPRESSION.

- OH, GOT TO LOVE THE IRONY

THERE.

- THEY WERE ASKING 1,400 BUCKS.

- WELL, MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE YOU

A DISCOUNT

NOW THAT IT'S BEEN USED.

- THANKS FOR BAILING ME OUT,

BUT WHY?

- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY

I HAVE MY OWN REASONS

FOR WANTING TO HELP YOU.

LET'S TALK.

- I HAD A TON OF IDEAS

FOR THAT BEER CAMPAIGN,

AND THEY WERE ALL

ON MY HARD DRIVE.

- YOU THINK THIS REPPERTON GUY

STOLE YOUR PASSWORD.

- OH, I KNOW HE DID.

- WHAT WAS IT?

- ROSE POGONIAS.

- "ROSE BOGONIAS"?

- POGONIAS.

IT'S A POEM BY ROBERT FROST.

- HOW DID REPPERTON

GET AHOLD OF IT?

- PROBABLY BY GETTING ME DRUNK.

- I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY AFTER

HE RIPPED OFF YOUR WORK

YOU STARTED BOOZING AGAIN?

- I LIED.

BEEN OFF THE WAGON 14 MONTHS.

CAROL THINKS IT'S TWO.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE A WORD I'VE

SAID ABOUT REPPERTON, DO YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW YET.

- OH, MR. REPPERTON?

- YEAH.

- THESE ARE THE FIGURES

THAT YOU WERE ASKING FOR.

- OH, THANK YOU,

AND I SEE SOME OTHER FIGURES

I LIKE A WHOLE LOT BETTER,

SO I'M JUST THROWING IT

OUT THERE.

- YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT.

THROWING IT OUT THERE.

- DELIVERY FROM ROCCO'S.

- OH, GREAT. PIZZA.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU RIGHT INTO

THE CONFERENCE ROOM.

- OH, OKAY.

- OKAY.

PIZZA, EVERYBODY!

PIZZA.

PIPIN' HOT.

- WHOA, WHOA.

WHO ORDERED THAT?

- LET'S SEE HERE.

THE SLIP HERE SAYS

"COMPLIMENTS OF MR. W."

- MR. W?

- OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE

HOWARD WAXMAN.

HE REALLY LOVED THE SLOGAN,

STEVE.

- COME ON, PHIL, YOU KNOW

IT'S A TEAM EFFORT, BUDDY.

- ALL RIGHT.

DIG IN, EVERYBODY.

UH-OH.

OH, HOLD THE PHONE.

- HOLD THE PHONE?

- OH, YEAH.

THAT EIGHT LOOKED LIKE

A THREE BEFORE.

I'M AT THE WRONG ADDRESS.

- WAIT, WAIT.

WHAT?

- THIS IS NOT YOUR PIZZA.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

SPIT IT OUT, SIR.

COME ON.

HERE YOU GO.

NO. COME ON. PLEASE.

- SIR, HERE WE GO.

I'M SORRY, BIG MAN.

THAT COMES OUT OF MY PAY.

- WAIT, SLOW DOWN, BUDDY.

HOW ABOUT I JUST PAY

FOR THE PIZZA?

OKAY, I JUST GOT A PROMOTION.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

I'LL HANDLE IT.

- WHAT, SO I'M LATE

FOR MY NEXT DELIVERY?

NO WAY.

- LISTEN, I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS

TO SAY YOU GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

- I'LL MATCH IT.

- WHOA.

- OKAY, OKAY,

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

I SEE THAT YOU GOT A DART BOARD,

A NERF BASKETBALL.

THIS SEEMS LIKE

A SPORTING CROWD TO ME.

- YEAH.

- MM-HMM.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY

WE MAKE A LITTLE WAGER?

- A WAGER?

- YEAH, COST OF THE PIZZA

SAYS THAT THIS MAN HERE

CAN'T COUNT BACKWARDS FROM 100

BY NINES

WHILE BALANCING A HOT CUP OF

COFFEE ON THE BACK OF EACH HAND.

[laughter]

- YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME,

BUDDY.

I COULD DO THAT ON ONE LEG.

- ALL SET?

- MM-HMM.

- GO.

- BY NINES, RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- 100.

91.

82.

73.

64.

55.

40--

- [whispers]

ROSE POGONIAS.

- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

- JUST ANOTHER POETRY LOVER.

- TWO OUT OF THREE?

[alarm beeping]

- WE HAVE 30 SECONDS

TO DISABLE THE ALARM.

- CAN YOU DO IT?

- OF COURSE I CAN.

I TOLD YOU I CAN AS LONG AS

IT'S NOT A FENWICK.

IT'S A FENWICK.

- WHAT DO WE DO?

- WE HURRY.

[alarm speeds up]

ALL RIGHT, IF HE HACKED IN

FROM THIS COMPUTER,

THERE'LL BE A RECORD OF IT.

- WHAT IF HE USED JOHN'S?

- OH, THEN WE'RE SCREWED.

GOT IT.

- WHAT?

- [chuckles]

HE DID HACK IN FROM HERE.

HE TRIED ENCRYPTING THE DATA,

BUT EH...

- YOU'RE YOU.

- EXACTLY.

- HOW DAMNING?

- OH, SMOKING GUN.

TIMES, DATES, THE WORKS.

- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

EMAIL THE DATA TO THIS ADDRESS.

- ALL RIGHT.

- WHO'S JILL STANWYCK?

- THE BOSS.

[sirens blaring]

AND IF YOU COULD DO IT

IN THE NEXT 40 SECONDS,

THAT'D BE GOOD TOO.

ALMOST DONE?

- YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

- SORRY.

SORRY. SORRY. SORRY.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

ALMOST DONE?

- DONE.

- RIGHT.

THEY'RE COMING THROUGH

THE FRONT DOOR,

WHICH MEANS WE HAVE TO JUMP.

- JUMP?

- YEAH. OUT THE WINDOW.

- OKAY.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

OKAY, OH, OH.

OKAY,

BUT IF I DIE,

TELL YOUR SISTER I LOVED HER.

- THERE'S A FIRE ESCAPE.

- OH, YEAH,

I'LL TELL HER MYSELF.

- AH, WELL, WELL, WELL,

MISS OLIVIA LOOKS HAPPY TODAY.

HAVING DREAMS ABOUT ME

LAST NIGHT?

- [giggles]

MRS. STANWYCK WANTS TO SEE YOU.

YEAH.

- HEY, YOU DON'T

HAVE THE RIGHT--

YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT...

TO PUSH ME.

I GOT YOU THAT JOB.

- LET'S CHECK THE COLOR VALUES

AND THE FONT WEIGHT

OF THE WEBPAGE DONE 11/22.

[knocks]

HEY, COME IN.

ALMOST FINISHED HERE.

- ME TOO, ACTUALLY.

- SO WHEN'S THE BIG UNVEILING?

- TOMORROW.

YOU'RE GONNA BE HOME

AROUND 6:00, RIGHT?

[cell phone rings]

- MM-HMM. OH.

IT'S JOHN.

HE'S CALLING ME

20 TIMES A DAY NOW.

- WELL, YOU COULD ANSWER IT.

- I DON'T ACCEPT CALLS

FROM STRANGERS.

- YOU KNOW,

A FRIEND OF MINE WORKS SECURITY

OVER AT STANWYCK ROLLINS.

HE SAID A GUY NAMED REPPERTON

WAS FIRED YESTERDAY

FOR STEALING INTELLECTUAL

PROPERTY FROM YOUR HUSBAND.

- GREAT.

I'M PLEASED.

- THAT'S IT?

- WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?

- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.

MORE.

- [sighs]

I'M GLAD THEY CLEARED

JOHN'S NAME.

I AM.

DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT HE'S BECOME.

DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT

AT THE END OF THE DAY,

HIS FAMILY'S WORTH LESS TO HIM

THAN THE PRICE

OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.

YOU WANT MORE,

MR. KENSINGTON?

SORRY, BUT THIS IS ALL I HAVE

AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW.

- WHAT IF HE GETS HELP?

- SORRY?

- THE HELP HE'S BEEN AVOIDING

ALL THIS TIME.

WHAT IF HE ACCEPTED IT?

ON THE LEVEL?

- I'D TAKE HIM BACK TOMORROW

IF IT WAS ON THE LEVEL,

BUT HE'LL NEVER DO IT.

JOHN HAS A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER

THE SIZE OF RHODE ISLAND.

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.

- WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO SWING BY

HOME DEPOT BEFORE THEY...

IS IT SNOWING OUT?

- WHAT?

OH, NO.

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT I HEAR IT'S SUPPOSED TO

CHRISTMAS NOW.

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

- INTRODUCING YOUR BODY

TO A FOREIGN SUBSTANCE.

IT'S WATER.

DON'T PANIC.

- HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

- OH, IT TOOK MONTHS

OF PLANNING, JOHN.

THIS PLACE IS LIKE FORT KNOX.

UH-UH.

UH-UH. NO.

NOT IN FRONT OF ME.

NOT ANYMORE.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO, JOHN.

I EAT SOLID FOOD.

I'LL KNOCK YOU FLAT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I WANT YOU TO HEAR SOMETHING.

- WHAT?

- THE PRAYER YOU HAVEN'T GOT.

- I'D TAKE HIM BACK TOMORROW

IF IT WAS ON THE LEVEL,

BUT HE'LL NEVER DO IT.

- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

- WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

THE QUESTION IS,

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

- I ALREADY TOLD HER

I WAS SORRY.

- THAT'S THE EASY PART.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE LEARNED

OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS, JOHN?

IT'S NOT THE THOUGHT

THAT COUNTS.

IT'S THE DEED.

ACTIONS MATTER, JOHN.

WHAT WE DO MATTERS.

THE REST IS DECORATION.

[sighs]

- HEY, I TOLD YOU

I OWED YOU ONE, NICK.

- CAN THEY REALLY GET THIS DONE

IN SIX HOURS?

- WITH THE INCENTIVE

I PROMISED THEM, ABSOLUTELY.

- WHAT WAS THAT?

- LUNCH AT HOOTERS.

- OH, THAT'LL DO IT.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SUPERVISE

THIS YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?

- NO, NO, I KNOW.

I THOUGHT IT'D GIVE US

A CHANCE TO CATCH UP,

YOU KNOW, MAYBE

HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

- WHAT ABOUT?

- ABOUT YOUR PLANS

FOR ONE THING.

- I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT

DIPPING MY TOE

INTO THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW,

SEEING WHAT THAT'S LIKE.

- YEAH, OH, YEAH,

WELL, GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT

IS PRETTY GOOD FOR MOST PEOPLE.

HEY, DID I TELL YOU

WE'RE BUILDING A NEW REC ROOM?

STATE OF THE ART, WIFI,

OH, SATELLITES,

OH, A SATELLITE

THE SIZE OF THE MOON.

- WARDEN, I'M NOT GONNA GET

MYSELF THROWN BACK IN PRISON

JUST TO HELP YOU

WITH YOUR POKER GAME.

- OH, COME ON, NICK,

WILL YA?

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LISTENED

TO MY PITCH YET.

- I LOVE IT.

- IT'S WHAT I DO.

- [chuckles]

- OH, BY THE WAY,

IS THIS YOURS?

IT WAS IN MY COAT POCKET.

I GUESS I ACCIDENTLY TOOK IT.

LOOKS JUST LIKE MY LANCET GAUGE.

- HMM, WONDERED WHERE

THAT GOT TO.

- SO YOU'RE REALLY

GONNA SELL THIS PLACE?

- TIME TO MOVE ON.

- LOOK, MOM,

IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH

FILED DOWN TO A POINT.

- HUH.

- THAT'S WEIRD.

JOHN?

YOU SEEN JOHN GUTHRIE TONIGHT?

- NOPE.

NOT LAST NIGHT EITHER.

- THANKS.

- HEY.

I KNOW WHERE HE IS, THOUGH.

- SORRY TO CALL YOU DOWN HERE

SO LATE.

I CAME TO USE THE RESTROOM,

WHEN I NOTICED SOMETHING

INCREDIBLE

YOU REALLY HAVE TO SEE.

- WOW. WHAT IS IT?

- MOLDING.

- MOLDING?

- LANCET MOLDING.

IT HAS AN AMAZING TEXTURE TO IT.

I CAN HAVE IT IN YOUR OFFICE

NEXT WEEK IF YOU WANT.

COULD REALLY ENHANCE THE VALUE.

YOU SEE THAT?

- UH-HUH.

- LOOK AT THAT CRAFTSMANSHIP.

- WOW.

THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING.

- THAT'S W.P.A. FOR YOU.

- MY NAME IS JOHN,

AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

group:

HI, JOHN.

- HELLO.

THIS IS ONLY MY SECOND NIGHT

HERE, BUT...

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WALKED IN

TEN YEARS AGO...

BEFORE I EVER MARRIED

MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE,

BEFORE OUR AMAZING SON WAS BORN,

BACK WHEN I STILL

HAD A FEW EXCUSES LEFT.

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO ASK YOU

FOR MY OLD JOB BACK.

- NO?

- NO, BUT AS LONG AS I'M HERE,

MAY I PLEASE HAVE

MY OLD JOB BACK?

- I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST,

OH, 50 REASONS

FOR TURNING YOU DOWN FLAT

RIGHT NOW.

- BUT ONLY 20 REALLY GOOD ONES,

THOUGH.

I'M A GREAT COPYWRITER, JILL.

- YOU'RE THE BEST, JOHN,

WHEN YOU'RE NOT DRINKING.

- YOU MAY BE IN LUCK.

- WHAT ELSE IS IN THERE

BESIDES EGGNOG?

OH, TAKE IT.

- THANKS.

- HEY, BRO,

YOU KNOW WHY PHONES

HAVE RINGERS?

SO WE DON'T HAVE TO

LOOK AT THEM.

- YEAH, WHO'S SUPPOSED TO CALL?

- JOHN.

HE'S GONNA LET ME KNOW

IF HE CONNECTS WITH CAROL.

OH.

- * BUT DO YOU RECALL

* THE MOST FAMOUS

- WANT SOME HOT COCOA?

- * REINDEER OF ALL

[cell phone rings]

[sighs]

[ringing continues]

HELLO?

- OH, UH...

HEY.

I'M SURPRISED YOU ANSWERED.

- ME TOO.

- I'M GLAD YOU DID, THOUGH.

- ME TOO.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY NOW.

- ME TOO.

- WHAT IF SHE WON'T

TAKE HIM BACK?

- THE BEST YOU CAN DO

IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO.

- I LIKE THAT.

- BOB COSTAS.

- OH.

- I WANT TO COME HOME, CAROL.

I'M--I'M READY TO COME HOME.

I MEAN,

IF YOU'LL LET ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,

BUT JUST DON'T SAY NO,

PLEASE.

- IT CAN'T BE TONIGHT, JOHN,

OR MAYBE EVER.

I NEED TIME TO THINK ABOUT THIS.

- I KNOW.

I KNOW.

HEY, I BOUGHT BILLY

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

CAN I GIVE IT TO YOU?

CAN WE MEET SOMEWHERE?

- WHERE?

- I'M BACK AT STANWYCK

AND ROLLINS.

WE COULD MEET AT THE OFFICE.

- I'LL HAVE TO DROP BILLY OFF

WITH MRS. NICHOLS.

IS 9:00 TOO LATE?

- NO, 9:00.

I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

CRAP.

- UH, LET'S SEE.

I HAVE A HOTEL ON EACH PROPERTY.

YOU OWE ME 1,200.

- OH, CAN YOU LET ME SLIDE?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- [giggles]

[phone rings]

- IT'S FROM JOHN.

- WHAT DOES IT SAY?

- YEAH, READ THAT.

- THEY'RE MEETING AT HIS OFFICE.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE

BY 9:00,

BUT HE GOT A FLAT TIRE.

- WELL, ARE THEY GETTING BACK

TOGETHER?

- HE DOESN'T KNOW.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD

GO DOWN THERE.

SCOPE THINGS OUT A LITTLE.

- RIGHT.

- OH, MY.

YOU DON'T WANT THEM

BACK TOGETHER, DO YOU?

- WHAT'S THE COMPLICATION?

- WHAT?

IT'S MINOR, REALLY.

HARDLY WORTH MENTIONING.

I THINK...

I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- [whistling]

OH.

OKAY. LET IT WORK.

PLEASE, LET IT WORK.

PLEASE, LET IT--

[laughs]

YES.

[sighs]

- RO.

- GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

GET OUT!

- HEY, HEY, HEY. WHOA. WHOA.

WHAT GOT YOU? WHAT GOT YOU?

THE PUPPY?

- THIMBLE.

- OKAY.

- GET OUT!

- I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON

JOHN AND CAROL.

[alarm beeping]

[beeping stops]

- ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

[muttering indistinctly]

OOH, GIRL,

NO, YOU DIDN'T

CHANGE THESE LOCKS ON ME--

OKAY.

OH, OKAY.

OH, YOU--

YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?

YOU WANT TO PLAY HARDBALL?

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY

SOME HARDBALL.

IT'S TIME FOR SOME PLAN B.

OH, YOU WANT TO RUN

WITH THE BIG DOGS?

WE GONNA RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS.

YOU WANT TO RUN WITH THE MAJORS?

WELL, WELCOME

TO THE 1927 YANKEES!

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT

WHERE REPPERTON IS FROM.

SOMETIMES YOU POKE THE BEAR,

AND YOU GET A CLAW--

YOU GET A CLAW IN YOUR FACE.

YOU GET MAULED, SEE?

YOU GET A MAULING.

SEE, Y'ALL SAY Y'ALL WANTED

TO GET MAULED.

[chuckling]

- JOHN?

JOHN?

- [grunting]

- JOHN!

JOHN?

[coughing]

JOHN?

[coughing]

[gasping]

[explosion]

- CAROL?

CAROL!

- [coughing]

- [coughing]

CAROL?

- [coughing]

- [grunts]

[flames roaring]

- OH, MY GOD.

[glass shatters]

[coughs]

CAROL?

[coughs]

COME ON!

[grunts]

NO, NO.

PLEASE!

HELP ME DO THIS!

[grunting]

- [coughing]

JOHN, HONEY.

NICK.

- THAT'S ME.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

- I SAW JOHN COMING TO SAVE ME,

AND...

- THAT'S WHAT HE DID, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

YEAH, I WAS DRIVING BY,

AND I SAW THE SMOKE.

BY THE TIME I CAME RUNNING UP,

HE HAD ALREADY PULLED YOU CLEAR.

- REALLY?

- YEAH.

THEN HE--HE TRIPPED

AND HIT HIS HEAD.

KNOCKED HIMSELF COLD.

- OH, MY GOD.

- I DOUBT HE'LL REMEMBER

A THING.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO,

CAROL.

- GO?

- YEAH.

THE HOUSE IS FINISHED NOW,

AND IT'S A GOOD HOME,

CAROL.

MAYBE THE BEST HOME

IN THE WORLD.

[sirens wailing]

I WANT YOU BOTH

TO TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?

HEY.

YOU PROMISE ME?

YOU PROMISE?

[sirens wailing]

[engine turns over, car starts]

- [coughing]

- [humming]

- HEY, RUNNING MAN,

MIND IF WE CHECK THE TRUNK?

- * WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

- YOU KNOW WHERE THAT GOES?

WHERE'S IT GO?

YEAH, I MEAN--

OKAY, PERFECT.

- NICE.

- NOW WHERE'S THIS GO?

HUH?

MAKE SURE WE HAVE A GOOD BASE.

DON'T PUSH HIM.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO FALL OVER.

- AH.

- DON'T EAT THE EYES.

- WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL:

MY BROTHER IS GOING TO HEAVEN.

- HMM.

I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.

- I KNOW YOU REJECT THE IDEA,

NICKY, BUT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU'RE STILL ENDING UP THERE.

- RIGHT NOW I NEED TO GO

THANK SOMEBODY.

CARE TO DROP ME?

- WHERE TO?

- LET'S GO TO CHURCH.

- HEY.

- [chuckles]

- YEAH!

- OH, NO!

I HATE THIS GAME,

BUT DO IT ANYWAY!

NO!

NOT THE PANTS!

- YOU SURE

THIS IS THE RIGHT CHURCH?

- NICK, THIS CHURCH HAS BEEN

CLOSED SINCE THE '70s.

- YEAH, COME HERE.

WARM UP.

I DON'T KNOW.

- NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- COLD.

HEY.

NICK?

- [sighs]

- NICK, YOU OKAY?

- HUH?

YEAH.

- WELL, IS ANYBODY IN THERE?

- YEAH.

I THINK THERE IS.

- * WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

- SHOTGUN.

- OH, HEY.

REALLY?

WE'RE PLAYING THAT GAME?

- * WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

* GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING

TO YOU AND YOUR KIN *

* GOOD TIDINGS FOR CHRISTMAS

AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR *

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

* WE WISH YOU

A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

[wily upbeat music]

*

*