Santa Con (2014) - full transcript
Small-time con man Nick DeMarco is ordered by his parole officer to take a minimum-wage job as a department store Santa during the holidays... and he hates it. Near the end of his first shift, he hastily promises a young boy, Billy, that Santa will bring his estranged parents back together by Christmas. When his sister Rosemary hears this, she is livid and can't believe he would break a little boy's heart with an empty promise. After a long night of soul searching - and with the help of an insightful female pastor - Nick decides to make good on his promise to the child, somehow. But after meeting the boy's mother Carol, will Nick ultimately choose to put the happiness of others ahead of his own?
[cheery music]
- * OOH, CHRISTMASTIME
* THIS YEAR AT CHRISTMASTIME
*
* I DON'T WANT TO GO, GO, GO
UNDER THE MISTLETOE *
* UNLESS YOU'RE HERE WITH ME
* DON'T WANT TO HEAR--
[feedback blares]
- ATTENTION,
INMATES AND STAFF,
DUE TO FUMIGATION
IN CELL BLOCK C,
TONIGHT'S DINNER IS DELAYED
UNTIL 1800 HOURS.
- * CHRISTMAS CHEER
WON'T CHEER ME UP *
* IF YOU'RE NOT HERE
TO FILL MY CUP *
* YOU'RE NOT NEARLY
NEAR ENOUGH *
* SO YOU HAD BETTER HURRY UP
- I ALWAYS GET DEPRESSED
AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.
WHY IS THAT?
- AH, A LOT OF PEOPLE
GET THAT WAY, PAUL,
BUT THIS YEAR
I BET IT'S ON ACCOUNT
YOU'RE IN FEDERAL PRISON.
HOW'D YOU FEEL IN AUGUST?
- TERRIBLE.
- YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
BET 20.
- FOLD.
LOOK AT THAT.
I CAN HACK INTO THE PENTAGON,
BUT I CAN'T BEAT A BUNCH OF
HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS.
- OH, YOU FELLAS
ARE JUST UNDERESTIMATING
HOW MUCH FUN IT IS IN HERE.
- OH, ANY CHANCE YOU'RE MAYBE
A LITTLE BIASED IN THAT RESPECT,
WARDEN?
- UM...
NO.
NOT REALLY.
ALL RIGHT,
SEE YOUR 20.
RAISE YOU...
25.
- CALL.
- THREE LADIES.
- OOH.
- [sighs]
JUST AIN'T MY DAY.
- [laughs]
LOOKS LIKE YOU BEAT US AGAIN,
WARDEN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- EH, YOU TAUGHT ME WELL, NICK.
I'M SURE GONNA MISS YOU.
- WELL...
THAT ALL DEPENDS
ON THE PAROLE BOARD.
- RELAX, WILL YA?
I WROTE THEM A LETTER.
- "IN SHORT, NICHOLAS DEMARCO
IS THE MOST EXEMPLARY INMATE
"IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO KNOW
IN ALL MY YEARS
"IN THE DEPARTMENT
OF CORRECTIONS.
"I'VE EVEN NAMED HIM IN MY WILL.
"I'M NOT KIDDING.
"I THEREFORE FULLY
AND WITHOUT HESITATION
"RECOMMEND HIM FOR EARLY PAROLE.
"YOURS CONFIDENTLY,
JEFFREY P. MITCHELL,
WARDEN, DANFIELD CORRECTIONAL
INSTITUTION."
- GOTTA LOVE THAT GUY.
- NOT PARTICULARLY BELIEVABLE.
MR. DEMARCO,
IS IT SO UNREASONABLE TO ASK
WHETHER A CON MAN,
LIKE YOURSELF,
A MAN WHO WORKED AS A FULL
PROFESSOR AT YALE FOR TWO YEARS,
DESPITE NEVER HAVING COMPLETED
THE 11TH GRADE...
- YOU WERE EVEN ON THE TENURE
TRACK, FOR GOODNESS SAKE.
- MIGHT NOT ALSO
HAVE FOOLED A WARDEN
AT ONE OF OUR MINIMUM SECURITY
FACILITIES?
- LOOK, I DON'T BLAME YOU
FOR BEING SKEPTICAL,
MA'AM.
YES, I WAS IN THE HISTORY
DEPARTMENT AT YALE
FOR TWO YEARS,
BUT REST ASSURED,
THAT KIND OF ACTIVITY'S
IN MY OWN PAST NOW--
AS MUCH A PART OF HISTORY
AS THE CIVIL WAR
OR THE MAGNA CARTA
OR THE LIFE OF A CERTAIN
CARPENTER FROM GALILEE
WHOSE BIRTH MANY OF US
WILL SOON BE CELEBRATING,
BUT WHATEVER THIS BOARD DECIDES,
LET ME JUST SAY,
MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND UH...
GOD BLESS US.
EVERYONE.
- YEP.
- [sighs]
- HEY-HO.
YEAH, I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU
LEAVING US, NICK.
- AH, SPOKEN LIKE
A TRUE REFORMER.
- AH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU'RE THE BEST COACH
I EVER HAD.
YOU KNOW,
WHETHER IT WAS GIN RUMMY,
CRAPS,
TEXAS HOLD'EM,
MY GAME ROSE TO ANOTHER LEVEL.
- HAPPY TO BE OF SERVICE,
WARDEN.
- I OWE YOU ONE, NICK.
I HOPE OUR PATHS CROSS AGAIN
ONE DAY.
- HEY, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT
PROFESSIONALLY, HUH?
- AS LONG AS IT'S NOT
PROFESSIONAL, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
- AH.
- HEY.
- HEY, SIS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- JUST GET IN THE CAR.
- [sighing]
[classical music
plays softly]
STILL DIG THE BACH, I SEE.
- IT'S MOZART, GENIUS.
- I KNOW.
PINATA FOR BANJO IN LEE MAJORS,
RIGHT?
[laughs]
SORRY.
THANKS FOR DOING THIS, RO.
- YEAH, WELL, THANK MOM,
NOT ME.
SHE'S THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE.
- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- WELL, UM...
IT WAS RIGHT NEAR THE END,
AND MOM PULLED ME DOWN
BY HER LIPS
AND WHISPERED IN MY EAR,
"HELP NICK."
AND I WAS LIKE,
"PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME."
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I'M DYING."
AND I WAS LIKE, "REGARDLESS."
LONG STORY SHORT,
SHE MADE ME PROMISE TO HELP YOU
FOR ONE MONTH
OR UNTIL YOU SCREW UP AGAIN.
WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
SMART MONEY'S ON "B,"
BY THE WAY.
- YOU AND MOM ARGUED ABOUT ME
ON HER DEATHBED?
- FOR 25 MINUTES.
TOUGH OLD BIRD.
- [sighs]
- HEY!
- AH.
- DON'T TOUCH MY MUSIC.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[soothing music continues]
[plays intro to
Do You Hear What I Hear?]
*
- MR. MILLER, I CAN CERTAINLY DO
AN RGB CONVERSION
ON YOUR WEBSITE...
[mouths words]
BUT THE COLORS MAY NOT APPEAR
CORRECT AT FIRST.
[Do You Hear What I Hear?
resumes]
BECAUSE MATCHING COLORS
TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF TIME, SIR.
YES, THAT GOES FOR
ALL DESIGNERS.
YES, EVEN THE MEN.
CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE?
[quietly]
DEAR GOD!
[exhales]
SORRY.
SALES CALL.
HOW ABOUT I EMAIL YOU
SOME SAMPLES IN A COUPLE DAYS?
HOW'S THURSDAY MORNING?
GREAT.
THANKS.
GOOD-BYE.
[groans]
[Do You Hear What I Hear?
playing softly]
*
YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
[scoffs]
*
- HELLO.
- OH.
[nervous laughter]
- HEY.
- TAKING A LITTLE BREAK, ARE WE?
- HEY, MRS. GUTHRIE,
IT'S OUR LUNCH HOUR.
OH, WOW.
IT'S 3:30, GUYS.
THAT'S QUITE A LONG LUNCH HOUR.
- HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON,
MRS. G.
ME AND THE BOYS,
WE'RE SAFETY-CONSCIOUS.
YOU KNOW?
YOU START GOING TOO FAST,
THAT'S WHEN ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD
THE OLD SAYING,
"MEASURE 30 TIMES AND CUT ONCE."
- ACTUALLY,
THE WAY I HEARD IT WAS
"MEASURE TWICE, CUT ONCE."
- TWICE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT DAREDEVIL
YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO.
HE'S GONNA GET SOMEBODY KILLED.
- I KNOW. RIGHT?
ASK US TO PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE,
WHY DON'T YOU?
- FINE.
WHATEVER.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT THE OLD SAYING IS.
I HIRED YOU TO COMPLETE
A TWO-WEEK JOB
OVER FOUR WEEKS AGO,
AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN
HALFWAY FINISHED YET.
- WE'RE CERTAINLY
TRYING OUR BEST, MA'AM.
- WELL, YOUR BEST IS TRYING
MY PATIENCE, MR. HEDDISON.
NOW, IF YOU CAN'T START--
EXCUSE ME.
START HAMMERING
OR MEASURING
OR DOING SOMETHING.
OKAY?
SWEETHEART?
PAGEANT'S IN A FEW DAYS.
DON'T YOU WANT TO PRACTICE
SO YOU CAN BE READY?
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT
A STUPID PAGEANT.
- WELL, YOU MIGHT
WHEN YOU'RE UP ON STAGE
AND YOU DON'T KNOW THE CHORDS.
- IS DAD GONNA BE THERE?
- I DON'T KNOW.
WE'LL SEE.
- HE'S NEVER COMING HOME,
IS HE?
- BILLY, WE DISCUSSED THIS--
- IS HE?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- [moans]
- THE COATRACK IS OVER THERE.
- [sighs]
ONE BEDROOM, HUH?
WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP?
- HA.
STILL THINK YOU'RE FUNNY,
HUH, NICK?
- NOT REALLY,
BUT WHAT'S MY VOICE
AGAINST THE MAJORITY?
OKAY. OKAY.
FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL BE ON THE COUCH.
AND SOME OTHER GUY
CAN MAKE HISTORY
BY BEING THE FIRST MAN EVER
TO SET FOOT
IN ROSE DEMARCO'S BEDROOM.
- OH.
ARE YOU SAYING
I HAVE NO LOVE LIFE?
- NO, I'M SAYING YOUR ONLINE
PROFILE SHOULD READ:
MID-30s, CUTE,
INTELLIGENT, IMPOSSIBLE.
- WRONG, NICK.
IF I WAS INTELLIGENT,
I'D BE BOOTING YOU
TO THE STREET RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW, I MAY YET.
YOU HURT A LOT OF PEOPLE, NICK.
- WHO?
WHO DID I HURT, RO?
- HOW ABOUT ANYONE
YOU EVER LIED TO?
HOW ABOUT ANYONE YOU EVER
CHEATED?
HOW ABOUT ANYONE WHO GOT
THEIR HEART BROKEN
AND THEIR DREAMS CRUSHED
WHEN THEY FOUND OUT
YOU WERE NOTHING MORE
THAN A CON MAN?
WHY AM I SURPRISED?
YOUR FIRST WORDS AFTER "MAMA"
AND "DADA"
WERE "WHAT'S IN IT FOR NICK?"
- THAT'S HARSH, RO.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, STOP ME
WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE.
ONE MORE THING, YOUR PAROLE
COMES WITH CERTAIN CONDITIONS.
ONE OF THEM IS FINDING A JOB.
- AND I'M GONNA JUMP ON THAT
FIRST THING TOMORROW AFTERNOON.
PINKIE-SWEAR.
- ACTUALLY, I MAY HAVE A LINE
ON SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- GREAT. GREAT.
THIS IS WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:
EXECUTIVE LEVEL,
LOW SIX FIGURES,
FULL BENNIES,
STOCK OPTIONS, NATURALLY.
HO, HO, HO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING,
LITTLE FELLAS?
- GOOD.
- YEAH?
- ALL RIGHT.
AND WHAT CAN SANTA BRING YOU
FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
- A BUMBLEBEE PILLOW SET.
- A CAPTAIN AMERICA SHIELD.
- A NEW BIKE.
- THE MILLENNIUM FALCON.
- WORLD PEACE.
- WORLD PEACE?
GOOD FOR YOU.
- AND...
ONE BIG HUGS ELMO,
ONE FLUTTERBYE FAIRY,
ONE NERF REBELLE HEARTBREAKER
BOW BLASTER...
- A NO-FOAM CAPPUCCINO
AND A HAZELNUT LATTE.
THAT'LL BE $7.55, PLEASE.
- THANKS.
SO MY LAWYER'S RECOMMENDING
WE PUT THE HOUSE UP FOR SALE
IN FEBRUARY.
- YOU SPOKE TO A LAWYER?
- YEAH, THIS MORNING.
HE SAID I SHOULDN'T WAIT TOO
LONG TO FILE THE DIVORCE PAPERS.
- SO IT'S REALLY OVER?
- JOHN HAD A CHOICE:
ME OR WHISKEY.
HE ANSWERED LOUD AND CLEAR.
- I'M SO SORRY.
- JUST ONE PLAY DOC MCSTUFFINS,
ONE RAGGEDY ANNE,
ANDY STATION WAGON,
ONE MAGIC GLITTER GLOW WATCH...
- OH, HE DOESN'T LOOK SO HAPPY.
- ONE CHELSEA DOLL COTTAGE,
ONE EASY-BAKE OVEN,
AND ONE 48-KARAT D FLAWLESS
OVAL SHAPED DIAMOND BRACELET,
AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
- WELL, BOY--
[chuckles]
SO DOES SANTA.
YEAH, 250 ON LULLABY LIGHTNING
IN THE SIXTH.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"PLACE THE BET MYSELF?"
HARRY, I DON'T GET OFF WORK
UNTIL 5:00.
WHAT IF I DON'T MAKE IT
DOWN THERE IN TIME?
[scoffs]
COME ON!
WHEN HAVE I EVER STIFFED YOU
BEFORE?
YEAH, BUT BESIDES THAT.
BESIDES THAT.
HARRY.
HARRY!
[groans]
OH, GOD.
[muttering]
WHERE'S MY HAT?
WHERE'S MY HAT?
- I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
OKAY, BYE.
- HEY, PAL.
AH.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
- A NERF GUN.
AND DON'T FORGET THE BATTERIES.
- I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER.
- LAST YEAR YOU FORGOT
THE BATTERIES.
- OKAY, OKAY.
[sighs]
HEY, AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- BILLY.
- BILLY.
YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY, BILLY?
AND WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
- I WANT YOU TO BRING MY MOMMY
AND DADDY BACK TOGETHER.
[bells tolling]
- OH, YOU GOT IT.
- [gasps]
YOU CAN REALLY DO THAT?
- ABSOLUTELY.
- REALLY?
REALLY?
- DONE AND DONE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
OH!
OKAY.
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA HUG IT OUT.
ALL RIGHT.
- WELL, SOMEBODY LOOKS HAPPY.
WHAT'D SANTA PROMISE YOU?
LOTS OF GOOD STUFF?
- HEY, HEY!
SORRY, KIDS,
SANTA'S GOT TO GO
FEED HIS REINDEER,
SO I'LL BE BACK IN FIVE.
KNOCK 'EM DEAD, AMESH.
[grunts]
BOO-YA.
HEY, SIS, YOU MIND DROPPING ME
OFF AT THE RACETRACK?
- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
- OH, I'M NOT GONNA BET
VERY MUCH.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT IT IS
YOU PROMISED THAT LITTLE BOY
BACK THERE?
- WHAT LITTLE BOY?
- UH, THE LITTLE BOY
WITH THE BLONDE CURLY HAIR
AND THE RED SHIRT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY INKLING
OF WHAT IT IS
YOU JUST PROMISED HIM?
- XBOX?
- I HEARD YOU PROMISE YOU'D
GET HIS PARENTS BACK TOGETHER
BY CHRISTMAS.
- PRETTY SURE IT WAS XBOX.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT'S GONNA BE WAITING FOR HIM
UNDER THE TREE
ON CHRISTMAS MORNING?
IF YOU SAY "XBOX" AGAIN,
SO HELP ME, NICK,
I WILL PUNCH YOU.
I WILL PUNCH YOU.
MISERY, TEARS, AND HEARTBREAK,
NICK.
THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA BE WAITING
FOR THAT LITTLE BOY
ON CHRISTMAS MORNING
BECAUSE OF YOU.
- LOOK, IT WAS ALMOST 5:00.
- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
- HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME,
RO?
AN APOLOGY?
OKAY, I'M SORRY.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE THAT
PROMISE TO THE KID.
I'M SORRY.
- THOSE ARE JUST WORDS, NICK.
THAT'S JUST...HOT AIR.
- OH, RO, COME ON.
- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY
BUT YOURSELF.
YOU NEVER HAVE.
AND YOU'RE NEVER GONNA CHANGE.
I TRIED, MOM.
GOOD-BYE, NICK.
- WAIT, RO,
HEY, HOLD ON.
ALL RIGHT. RO.
[engine turns over]
HEY.
HEY! HEY.
HEY, RO, WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE MY RIDE HOME, RO.
WAIT!
WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT!
- NOTE TO SELF:
EXPLORE PUTTING CONVERSION EXITS
ON THE HOME PAGE
TO IMPROVE NAVIGATION.
BILLY, DINNER!
- WHAT ARE WE HAVING?
- POT ROAST.
I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAVORITE--
- I LOVE POT ROAST!
- WELL, THAT'S A SWITCH.
GO WASH YOUR HANDS.
- RIGHT AWAY!
- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
WITH MY REAL SON?
- [sighs]
[sighs]
[thunder rumbling]
[doorbell rings]
- [sighs]
- HEY, CAROL.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL.
- I FORGOT.
IS BILLY HERE?
- HE'S SLEEPING.
YOU NEED TO LEAVE, JOHN.
- I BROUGHT YOU GUYS A TREE.
- WE HAVE A TREE,
AND I SEE YOU'RE LIT LIKE ONE.
- OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA LIE,
I MAY HAVE HAD A NIP OR TWO
AT THE BAR,
BUT I DIDN'T DRIVE.
SAL TOOK ME HERE.
- THEN SAL CAN DRIVE YOU HOME.
- I AM HOME, CAROL.
OKAY, THIS IS MY HOME.
N-NOT SOME HOTEL.
THIS IS MY HOME.
- NOT ANYMORE.
- HOME IS THE SPOT WHERE
THEY GOTTA TAKE YA IN, CAROL.
ROBERT FROST WROTE THAT.
- RIGHT.
I GUESS YOU FORGOT THE ONE ABOUT
PROMISES TO KEEP.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ THAT ONE
AGAIN, JOHN.
GOOD-BYE.
[door shuts]
- [sighs]
[thunder rumbling]
[rain falling]
[panting]
- HEY, CAN YOU GIVE ME A HAND?
WHICH ONE OF THESE ANGELS
DO YOU LIKE BETTER?
THAT ONE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE
KENNY ROGERS, DON'T YOU THINK?
YOU KNOW, THE GAMBLER?
[chuckles]
ONLY THING
HE'S GAMBLED ON IS...
[mimics bassy voice]
PLASTIC SURGERY.
AND THIS ONE--
IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY,
LOOKS LIKE MERYL STREEP.
NOW, MY SOPHIE'S CHOICE IS
WHICH ONE TO USE FOR THE TREE.
GOT A PREFERENCE?
- NO.
- A MAN OF FEW WORDS,
LIKE A GUNFIGHTER.
I LIKE THAT.
MAYBE THERE'S ROOM FOR BOTH.
- ARE YOU A, UH--
YOU KNOW, A PRIEST?
- [Irish accent]
AYE, MY BOY!
FATHER O'FLANNIGAN.
- YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
- [laughs]
YES, I'M JOKING.
I'M THE PASTOR.
PASTOR RUTH.
PASTOR RUTH.
PASS THE MARMALADE.
I'M FAMISHED.
OH, COME ON!
[chuckles]
THIS IS SOME OF
MY BEST MATERIAL.
- OH.
SORRY, I--
JUST NOT IN THE MOOD TO LAUGH
RIGHT NOW.
- ROUGH NIGHT?
- [chuckles]
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
- WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,
I SPECIALIZE IN ROUGH NIGHTS.
IT'S PART OF MY JOB DESCRIPTION.
COME ON.
LET'S SIT.
YOU PROMISED THE LITTLE BOY
THAT YOU WOULD GET HIS PARENTS
BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS?
- IT WAS ALMOST POST TIME.
- [sighs]
YOU GOTTA STOP SAYING THAT.
- I KNOW. I KNOW.
- TELL ME SOMETHING, NICK.
WHY'D YOU WALK IN HERE TONIGHT?
- IT WAS RAINING.
- THE RAIN STOPPED
TEN MINUTES AGO,
AND YOU HAVEN'T MOVED.
YOU'RE STILL HERE.
THE GUILT IS EATING YOU UP,
RIGHT?
LIKE THE CREATURE
IN THE FIRST ALIEN.
REMEMBER THE FIRST ALIEN?
THE CREATURE BURST OUT
OF THAT MAN'S BELLY
AND SHOT ACROSS THE ROOM.
THAT'S YOUR GUILT.
IT'S EATING YOU UP.
- THE ALIEN?
- ABSOLUTELY.
AND YOUR JOB
IS TO LURE IT INTO THE AIR LOCK
AND SEND IT TO OUTER SPACE
LIKE SIGOURNEY WEAVER.
IT'S JUST YOU AND THE ALIEN.
- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL IT?
- BY KEEPING YOUR PROMISE.
- WHAT, TO THAT KID?
I'M SUPPOSED TO GET HIS PARENTS
BACK TOGETHER?
- MM-HMM.
- BY CHRISTMAS MORNING?
[chuckles]
YOU KNOW I'M NOT ACTUALLY
SANTA CLAUS, RIGHT?
- THANKS FOR EDIFYING,
BUT YOU ASKED FOR MY ADVICE,
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO
FOLLOW IT?
- NICK, I DON'T HAVE
ALL THE ANSWERS,
I JUST WORK FOR THE BIG GUY.
- YEAH, LOOK,
ABOUT THAT.
NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M NOT SURE
I REALLY BELIEVE IN--
- [laughing]
NONE TAKEN.
HE'S A GROWN-UP.
HE CAN HANDLE REJECTION.
NOW, ABOUT THIS ALIEN...
- SIGOURNEY WEAVER HAD
A SPEAR GUN.
WHERE'S MY SPEAR GUN?
- YOU JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON?
- UH-HUH.
- WHAT WERE YOU IN FOR?
- GRIFTING.
- [gasps]
[imitates air whooshing]
- [chuckles]
- I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
- SORRY TO HARP ON
MINOR DETAILS,
BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET
TWO PEOPLE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS?
- WORKIN' ON IT.
- YOU'RE WORKING SOME ANGLE
HERE.
YOU HAVE TO BE.
- NO.
THIS JOB'S COMPLETELY
ON THE LEVEL, RO.
WOW.
I'M GONNA NEED SOME
EXPENSE MONEY, THOUGH.
AT LEAST FIVE OR SIX GRAND.
- WELL, I HAVEN'T GOT IT.
- RIGHT.
- [sighs]
BUT, YOU HAVE.
- SAY AGAIN?
- $5,800.
YOUR SHARE OF THE SALE
OF MOM'S CONDO--
AFTER TAXES.
- 5,800 BUCKS?
WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME
ABOUT THIS, RO?
- UH, WHEN I KNEW YOU WEREN'T
GONNA SPEND IT ON HOOKERS,
HORSES,
OR ANOTHER GAME OF CRAPS.
- YOU WERE NEVER GONNA TELL ME.
- LEVEL WITH ME, NICK.
THIS THING YOU'RE TRYING TO DO,
IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?
- WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?
OF COURSE IT'S NOT POSSIBLE,
BUT...
I HAVE TO TRY.
I NEED A WAY OF GETTING CLOSE TO
THIS WOMAN AND HER EX-HUSBAND.
- HE'S NOT EX YET.
I OVERHEARD HER
TALKING TO A FRIEND.
- WISH I KNEW WHAT HER NAME WAS.
- THAT I CAN HELP YOU WITH.
[babies crying]
- YEAH, GET IT UP RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S GOOD.
HEY.
- HI, GUYS.
- HEY.
HOW'S IT GOING?
- EVERY DAY WE SAY,
"YEAH, NO,
THOSE WALLS ARE COMING UP,
AND THAT WALL'S COMING UP,"
BUT I DON'T SEE THE WALLS
REALLY COMING UP.
- WELL, NO. I SEE WALLS.
- YEAH, WE'RE ON SCHEDULE.
- OKAY, I WANT THEM--
I WANT TWO WALLS UP TODAY.
- YOU GOT IT.
- OKAY.
OKAY.
- WELL, I MEAN, I WAS JUST--
- YEAH.
- WE'RE CLEAR.
[groans]
NICE.
SO MY WIFE WANTS ME
TO EAT MORE FRUIT.
- COME ON, MAN.
- SMART.
- I DO IT FOR HER.
- PERFECT.
[drill whirring]
- [sighs]
HEY, IT'S 10:30, GUYS.
- LUNCHTIME.
- YOU KNOW IT.
- YES.
- YOU'RE BUYING.
- NO.
- YES, YOU ARE.
- I PAID LAST TIME.
- YEAH, BUT I--I'M GONNA PAY
TWICE AFTER THAT.
SO YOU GET THE NEXT ONE.
- NO.
- [exhales]
- [sighs]
- OH, MY GOD!
ARE YOU OKAY?
GOD.
WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
- [stammering]
THE WORKERS--
- NO, YOU BETTER GET FEMA
DOWN HERE.
- THE WORKERS ARE AT LUNCH,
AND H-HOW DID YOU GET--
- I WAS DRIVING BY
AND I SAW THE DUST CLOUD.
ARE YOU THE OWNER?
- YEAH.
- OH, BOY,
OH, BOY, OH, BOY.
FAULTY LANCET BEAM.
BOY, OH, BOY,
OH, BOY.
TELL ME THE TRUTH, MA'AM,
IS THIS ONE OF THOSE
DO-IT-YOURSELF KIND OF THINGS?
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I HIRED FOUR PROFESSIONALS.
- YEAH, WELL,
THAT'S DEBATABLE.
YEAH, THESE LANCET SCREWS
ARE SHOT.
SORRY.
IT'S CONTRACTOR TALK.
- YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR?
- YEAH, JUST FOR THE LAST
TEN YEARS.
- OH.
"NICK KENSINGTON CONSTRUCTION."
- YEAH, THAT NICK KENSINGTON.
THE ONE WHO BUILT THE GAZEBO
BEHIND THE GOVERNOR'S MANSION.
LOOK, I'M GLAD YOU LOVE IT.
IT'S WINNING
ALL KINDS OF AWARDS,
BUT I'M SICK TO DEATH
OF TALKING ABOUT IT.
WHEW!
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'M TAKIN' OFF.
YOU KNOW, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN
A LOT WORSE, MA'AM.
YOU KNOW, JUST BE GRATEFUL
THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS
RUNNING AROUND.
SO LONG.
- I HAVE A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY.
- SEVEN?
IS THERE--IS THERE SOMEPLACE
SAFE HE CAN GO STAY FOR AWHILE,
YOU KNOW, GRANDPARENTS,
MAYBE?
- NO.
OKAY, LOOK,
MR. KENSINGTON,
I KNOW THIS IS LAST-MINUTE,
BUT IS THERE ANY WAY
THAT I COULD HIRE YOU
TO FINISH THIS JOB?
- ME?
YOU MEAN FIT IT IN BEFORE I
START DEREK JETER'S GUEST HOUSE
NEXT MONTH?
[chuckles]
WHOO.
OH, MAN.
- SHE THINKS
YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR?
- START WORK TOMORROW MORNING.
- OH, THEN YOU GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
TOMORROW IS MONTHS AWAY.
YOU'VE NEVER EVEN SWUNG A HAMMER
IN YOUR LIFE, NICK.
HOW ARE YOU GONNA LEARN
IN 12 HOURS?
- EASY-PEASY.
- SO YOU WANT TO BUILD
AN ADDITION
AND NOT PAY A CARPENTER.
WELL, OLD WALTER BANFIELD'S
GONNA SHOW YOU HOW.
FIRST, YOU'RE GONNA NEED
A HAMMER.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOME NAILS.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED A STACK
OF YELLOW PINE 2x4s,
AND YOU'RE GONNA NEED 12 CASES
OF ROCKY SPRINGS LAGER.
OH, YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA NEED.
- SO BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL.
HELP YOURSELF TO WHATEVER'S
IN THE FRIDGE,
AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS,
I'LL JUST BE INSIDE WORKING
MOST OF THE DAY.
- CAN I ASK WHAT YOU DO?
- WEB DESIGNER.
- SOUNDS INTERESTING.
- SOME DAYS.
AND THEY LET ME WORK FROM HOME
MOST OF THE WEEK SO...
- YEAH, I WORK FROM HOME TOO--
OTHER PEOPLES'.
HEY, HEY!
CONTRACTOR HUMOR.
OH, THAT'S A NICE PICTURE.
IS THAT--IS THAT YOUR HUSBAND
RIGHT THERE?
- YES,
THAT'S HIM IN THE PICTURE,
BUT HE'S NO LONGER, YOU KNOW,
"IN THE PICTURE."
- GOT IT.
- RIGHT.
SO HERE ARE THE SPECS
FOR THE NEW ADDITION.
- OKAY.
MMM.
VERY NICE.
- YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM
UPSIDE DOWN.
- I KNOW.
YOUR FIRST VIEW SHOULD ALWAYS BE
UPSIDE DOWN.
GIVES YOU A FRESH PERSPECTIVE
ON THE DESIGN.
NOW THE FLIP.
[sucks teeth]
YEP.
LOOKS GOOD THIS WAY TOO.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'LL BE IN TO CHECK ON YOU
LATER TODAY.
- UH, AFRAID NOT, MRS. GUTHRIE.
I HAVE A POLICY
WITH MY CLIENTS--
NO PEEKING.
- "NO PEEKING"?
- STRICTLY ENFORCED.
SUPERSTITIOUS?
MAYBE.
BUT IF I MAKE AN EXCEPTION
FOR YOU,
IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR
TO THE GOVERNOR
OR DEREK JETER
OR STAR JONES,
PHIL DONAHUE--
YOU KNOW, ANYBODY.
AS SOON AS I FINISH THE OFFICE,
YOU'LL BE THE FIRST ONE
TO SEE IT.
HAVE I GOT YOUR WORD?
- WELL, I GUESS SO,
IF IT'S REALLY THAT IMPORTANT
TO YOU.
- IT IS.
IT REALLY IS.
HEY, NO PEEKING!
HUH?
- [giggles]
- NO PEEKING.
RIGHT.
OKAY.
- NOW, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO HOLD
THE NAIL REAL STEADY.
REAL STEADY, SEE?
THEN YOU'RE GONNA BRING DOWN
THE HAMMER IN A CONTROLLED ARC,
LIKE SO.
HA HA!
NOW YOU TRY IT.
BRING DOWN THE HAMMER.
BRING IT DOWN!
DID YOU HIT IT?
IF NOT, HAVE ANOTHER BEER.
I BET YOU'LL HIT IT.
OH, WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T STRIKE THE NAIL
ON THE SIDE.
IF YOU HIT IT THERE,
IT COULD SHOOT OFF
AND HIT SOMETHING
WICKED VALUABLE.
SOMETHING WICKED VALUABLE.
YEAH?
- [screams]
[screaming]
AHH!
MAMA MIA!
- MR. KENSINGTON?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- I'M FINE.
JUST WATCHING THE GAME.
KNICKS ARE LOSING.
- OH.
WELL, I HOPE YOUR TEAM
SCORES MORE BASKETS.
- THANK YOU.
[screams]
- MR. KENSINGTON?
- THE SIXERS JUST DREW
A PERSONAL FOUL.
- OKAY.
[saw buzzes]
- [screams]
[gasps and screams]
- HEY.
HOW'S IT GOING OUT THERE?
- OH, REALLY WELL.
THANKS.
- SORRY YOUR TEAM'S PLAYING
SO BADLY.
- ME TOO.
- DO GAMES USUALLY LAST
FIVE HOURS?
- ONLY WHEN IT GOES INTO
QUADRUPLE OVERTIME.
ARE THESE ORANGES OR TANGELOS?
- UH, ORANGES, I THINK.
IS YOUR HAND OKAY?
- HMM?
YEAH, YEAH.
IT JUST GETS COLD A LOT.
RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
COLD LEFT HAND.
- MOM!
- IN HERE, HONEY.
MY SON.
- OH.
- HEY, BILLY.
THIS IS MR. KENSINGTON.
HE'S DOING WORK
ON OUR HOUSE.
- HI.
- HEY, BILLY.
- YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.
- I DO?
WELL, I GUESS I MUST HAVE
ONE OF THOSE FACES, HUH?
- AND SOUND FAMILIAR.
- AND ONE OF THOSE VOICES.
THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
ANY PROGRESS?
- STILL COLLECTING INTEL.
- YEAH, WELL,
I GOT SOME INTEL FOR YOU:
THEY ARE EXPECTING YOU BACK
IN THE SANTA SUIT BY TOMORROW.
- I KNOW.
- AND YOU CAN'T BE IN TWO PLACES
AT ONCE.
- I KNOW.
- THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP,
NICK.
OH, MAN.
THAT'S A NICE TRUCK.
- OH, IT'S A RENTAL.
HOW YOU FEELING?
- OH, I TURNED A NEW LEAF
IN THERE, MAN.
I'M FEELIN' GOOD.
I'M PUTTING ALL THE CHEATING,
LYING, AND DISHONESTY BEHIND ME.
- OH, THAT'S GREAT,
BUT FIRST,
I NEED YOU TO BE ME
FOR A COUPLE WEEKS.
- YOU GOT IT.
BEATS BEING MYSELF.
HO, HO, HO.
WHAT CAN SANTA BRING YOU
THIS CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOY?
- A NEW LAPTOP.
- WHAT? THAT'S EXPENSI
[Do You Hear What I Hear?
playing softly]
*
- NOTE TO SELF:
CONSIDER RETHINKING
BACKGROUND PROPERTIES
AND TEXT ALIGNMENT
ON THE MAIN PAGE.
BILLY, I DON'T HEAR YOU
PRACTICING.
- GOT TO FIND SOME INTEL.
- MR. KENSINGTON.
- STAY BACK!
I-I SAW IT GO RUNNING IN HERE.
- SAW WHAT?
- THE MOUSE.
THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN
TWO OF THEM.
YOU BETTER PUT SOME SHOES ON.
WAIT!
YOUR SHOES ARE RIGHT HERE.
DON'T PUT SOME SHOES ON.
JUST STAY BACK!
- MR. KENSINGTON,
I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT A MOUSE.
- YOU'RE NOT?
- NO.
I'M JUST GONNA GIVE IT
TO THE CAT.
IN FACT, SHE MIGHT EVEN THANK ME
FOR IT.
IT'S FUNNY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
LOOKING AT BILLY'S MUSTANG.
- BILLY'S--
- HIS P-51 FIGHTER JET.
IT'S A BIRTHDAY PRESENT
FROM HIS FATHER.
BILLY LOVED IT.
- YEAH, I BROKE MY SHARE OF TOYS
GROWING UP TOO.
- BILLY DIDN'T DO THIS.
[cell phone rings]
UGH.
- CLIENT?
- MR. MILLER.
THE MAN IS SHORTENING MY LIFE.
I HAVE TO GO TO THE OFFICE
FOR A COUPLE MINUTES.
CAN I ASK YOU A HUGE FAVOR?
THANKS FOR AGREEING TO BABYSIT.
- NO PROBLEM.
- I'LL BE AN HOUR,
HOUR AND A HALF TOPS.
BILLY, LISTEN TO MR. KENSINGTON.
HE'S IN CHARGE.
DON'T FORGET TO MAKE HIM
PRACTICE.
PAGEANT IS THREE DAYS AWAY.
- WILL DO.
- THANKS.
- HEY, BUDDY.
- HEY.
- I LIKE THAT SONG
YOU WERE PLAYING.
DON'T YOU WANT TO
KEEP PLAYING IT?
- I'M SICK OF IT NOW.
- WELL, MAYBE WE CAN MAKE IT
MORE INTERESTING.
YOU GOT ANY PAPER?
OH.
IS THIS YOUR DAD?
HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.
- HE'S THE BEST,
BUT HE DOESN'T LIVE WITH US
ANYMORE,
BUT HE WILL!
SEVEN MORE DAYS.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- IT'S A SECRET.
- YOU BELIEVE IT THOUGH, HUH?
OH, OF COURSE YOU DO.
THAT'S JUST GREAT.
- MR...GUTHRIE?
- IT'S OKAY, OLIVIA.
I'M EXPECTED...
TO NEVER SET FOOT
IN THIS PLACE AGAIN.
- ROCKY SPRINGS JUST HAD
ITS BEST NOVEMBER EVER,
AND WE ARE CRAZY ABOUT
THAT SLOGAN YOU CAME UP WITH.
"NOON AT LAST"?
THAT'S BRILLIANT.
- WELL, THAT WAS STEVE'S
INSPIRATION.
- SOMETIMES YOU JUST GET LUCKY.
- DAMN RIGHT YOU GOT LUCKY.
TAKING CREDIT FOR MY WORK, HUH?
HUH, YOU'RE LUCKY
I DON'T STRANGLE YOU.
- JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- OH, CONGRATS
ON THE BIG PROMOTION TOO.
HUH?
YOU LITTLE VIPER.
- GET HIM OUT.
- I'M SORRY.
- CALM DOWN, BUDDY.
TAKE IT EASY.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WAIT.
YOU'RE EJECTING THE WRONG GUY.
- I'M SURE.
- WHAT ARE YOU--
GET OFF OF ME.
- I AM SO SORRY, MR. WAXMAN.
I--
[chuckles]
- YOU KNOW, I GUESS SOME PEOPLE
LIKE YOUR PRODUCT
A LITTLE TOO MUCH.
- YEAH.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
both: * SAID THE SHEPHERD BOY
TO THE LITTLE LAMB *
* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING
* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING
* ARE YOU SURE ABOUT YOUR FACTS,
LITTLE LAMB? *
* 'CAUSE I DON'T HEAR
A DARN THING *
* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING
* IT WAS PROBABLY
JUST THE WIND *
* WHISTLING THROUGH THE TREES
* AND YOU'RE JUST
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS *
* YOU'RE JUST JUMPING
TO CONCLUSIONS *
* SAID THE LITTLE LAMB
TO THE SHEPHERD BOY *
* IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE HERE
I CAN TALK TO? *
* IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE HERE
I CAN TALK TO? *
* EVEN YOUR SILLY STICK,
SHEPHERD BOY *
* BECAUSE I KNOW
* I REALLY HEARD A SOUND
* AND I'M NOT JUST
MAKING THIS UP *
* I'M NOT JUST MAKING THIS UP
[laughter]
[applause]
- BRAVO!
- MOM, MR. KENSINGTON
CHANGED THE SONG.
HE MADE IT BETTER!
- I HEARD.
- YEAH, I'M NOT SURE
ROME WOULD APPROVE,
BUT AT LEAST
HE KNOWS THE CHORDS NOW.
[horn honking]
- OH, THEY'RE HERE, HONEY.
GO GET YOUR BACKPACK.
HIS FRIEND.
HE'S HAVING A SLEEPOVER.
NOW, BE GOOD FOR MRS. NICHOLS
AND REMEMBER TO ASK FOR SECONDS.
- HER COOKING'S NASTY, MOM.
- I KNOW, BUT WE CAN'T TELL HER
THAT UNTIL WHEN?
- 2056.
- [laughs]
GIVE ME A KISS.
[smooches]
ALL RIGHT.
OFF YOU GO.
HEY.
BYE, HONEY.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
- UH, NOT JUST YET.
- WELL, I'M VERY IMPRESSED.
HEY, HAVE YOU HAD LUNCH?
THERE'S A DINER DOWN THE STREET,
AND I'M FAMISHED.
- UH, SURE.
- OH, IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY--
- NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M JUST WAITING FOR SOME LANCET
GLUE TO DRY ON SOME 2x4s.
I HAVE TIME.
- GREAT.
LET ME JUST GRAB MY KEYS.
- IS THAT MACE?
- OH, YEAH.
YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL.
PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS
WHO THEY SEEM TO BE.
- RIGHT?
BILLY IS A TERRIFIC KID.
- THE BEST.
[laughs]
- HOW OFTEN DOES HE SEE
HIS FATHER?
- JOHN?
UM...
WHENEVER HE'S SOBER ENOUGH
TO BE SEEN.
THINK WE'RE DOWN TO...
TWICE A MONTH NOW.
ARE YOU MARRIED?
- ONCE,
FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES.
IT ENDED.
- CAN I ASK WHAT HAPPENED?
STOP ME IF I'M GETTING
TOO PERSONAL.
- OH, NO.
YOU'RE FINE.
YOU KNOW, MOSTLY, IT WAS
MY CAREER THAT BOTHERED HER.
- YOUR CAREER?
- YEAH, YEAH.
SHE SAID THAT MY BEING A CON--
TRACTOR WAS DRIVING HER CRAZY.
SO SHE WANTED ME TO QUIT,
DO SOMETHING LESS DANGEROUS.
- OH.
I DIDN'T KNOW HOMEBUILDING
COULD BE SO DANGEROUS.
- YEAH, IT CAN BE.
YEAH, IF--
LIGHTNING STRIKES,
NAIL GUN MISHAPS,
THINGS LIKE THAT.
ANYWAY, UM...
I WOULDN'T GIVE IT UP,
SO SHE WALKED.
DIVORCED ME AND GOT HITCHED
TO A NICE, DEPENDABLE
SOFTWARE ENGINEER NAMED
RONALD SCHLUMBERGER.
[laughter]
- SCHLUMBERGER?
- I KID YOU NOT.
I SEE THEM ONLINE SOMETIMES.
THEY'VE GOT A PASSEL OF TINY
SCHLUMBERGERS RUNNING AROUND.
- [laughing]
- THEY LIVE IN NEBRASKA.
DON'T ASK ME WHY.
THANK YOU FOR LUNCH.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- OH, I--I FORGOT MY PHONE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- OKAY. I'LL GET THE CAR.
- OH, MY GOD.
MISS, MISS!
I THINK MY BABY
JUST SWALLOWED SOMETHING.
- OH, YEAH.
- PLEASE HELP ME.
YOUR PURSE AND YOUR KEYS
RIGHT NOW.
- HUH?
- MOVE IT.
AH!
- NICK!
- [screaming]
SON OF A CRAB CAKE!
- HELP!
- AH! AH!
- NICK, ARE YOU OKAY?
- NO, I'M NOT OKAY!
- AH. AH!
- HOLD STILL.
- AH, WHAT IS THAT?
- THAT'S MILK.
IT NEUTRALIZES THE ACID.
JUST TRY NOT TO TOUCH IT.
- [groans]
- I'M REALLY SORRY.
- AH, FOR WHAT?
- I BROUGHT THE MACE.
- OH, RIGHT.
I FORGOT YOU CATERED
THAT LITTLE PARTY.
- YEAH.
- WELL, AT LEAST YOU KNOW
IT WORKS NOW, RIGHT?
NOW YOU CAN SPRAY
WITH CONFIDENCE.
- WERE YOU ALWAYS THIS FUNNY?
- OH, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
COMEDY COMES OUT OF PAIN.
I'VE ONLY BEEN THIS FUNNY
FOR AN HOUR.
- [laughs]
[sighs]
HEY, THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID
BACK THERE.
- [chuckles]
YOUR TURN.
- MY TURN?
- YEAH.
YOU KNOW ABOUT MY EX.
AH.
WHERE'D YOU MEET YOURS?
- UM...
WELL, WE MET AT DUKE.
I WAS A FINE ARTS MAJOR.
JOHN WAS ENGLISH LIT.
FULL SCHOLARSHIP.
VERY PROUD,
AND AN ALCOHOLIC.
USED TO PULL 3.7s HAMMERED.
HE WASN'T STUPID,
JUST VERY STUPID.
WE BOTH WERE.
- WHY YOU?
- WELL, I DID MORE THAN JUST
PUT UP WITH HIM.
- OH.
PARTY GIRL, HUH?
- [chuckles]
YEAH.
MATCHED HIM SHOT FOR SHOT
FOR A WHILE--
SIX YEARS.
- AND THEN?
- AND THEN SOME THINGS JUST KIND
OF GIVE ME UP, YOU KNOW?
BUT JOHN REFUSED TO SLOW DOWN.
HE GOT INTO ADVERTISING,
AND WHEN HIS DRINKING GOT HIM
FIRED FROM ONE PLACE,
HE JUST GOT HIRED
SOMEPLACE ELSE.
HE'S THAT GOOD.
- AND THEN BILLY CAME ALONG.
- AND THEN BILLY CAME ALONG.
AND THERE ARE NO CHILD SEATS
IN THE FAST LANE.
I THREATENED TO WALK
IF HE DIDN'T QUIT DRINKING,
AND HE DID.
DIDN'T TOUCH A DROP
AFTER HIS SON WAS BORN...
UNTIL TWO MONTHS AGO.
- SOMETHING PUSH HIM
OFF THE WAGON?
- UH,
WORK STUFF.
I DON'T KNOW ALL THE DETAILS.
CLAIMS SOMEBODY AT THE AGENCY
RIPPED HIM OFF.
DOESN'T EXCUSE HIM COMING HOME
DRUNK THAT NIGHT
AND SCREAMING AT ME,
BREAKING HIS SON'S TOYS,
PUTTING HIS FIST
THROUGH THE KITCHEN WALL.
THAT WAS WHEN THE POLICE CAME,
AND THAT WAS HIS LAST NIGHT
HERE,
AND HIS FIRST NIGHT
AT THE NAUGHTY TAVERN.
- NAUGHTY...
- TAVERN.
IT'S HIS FAVORITE WATERING HOLE.
- UH, COFFEE.
BLACK.
HEY, YOU MIND PUTTING THE DUKE
GAME ON?
- NOPE.
DEVILS DON'T PLAY TONIGHT.
NEXT GAME'S THURSDAY, 6:45.
- YOU A DUKESTER?
- RIGHT DOWN TO MY SOCKS.
- WHAT CLASS?
- '03.
'03, JUST WAIT AND SEE.
[imitates explosion]
- WAIT. I--
'02.
'02, WE'RE...COMING FOR YOU.
[imitates gun clicking]
POW!
WAIT A SECOND.
HOLD ON.
IS YOUR NAME GUTHRIE?
JOSH GUTHRIE?
- JOHN.
- JOHN GUTHRIE.
HELL YEAH.
NICK...
STACK...ENHOUSEN.
WE WERE IN ENGLISH COMP
TOGETHER.
- OH, WHAT PROFESSOR?
MCSHEA?
- YOU KNOW IT.
THE MICK.
HE WAS SOMETHING ELSE, HUH?
- LIZ MCSHEA'S A WOMAN.
- YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.
I WAS GONNA SAY,
HE WAS SOMETHING ELSE...
A WOMAN.
SHE REALLY DUG YOUR WORK,
MAN.
WE ALL DID.
- THANK YOU.
HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT--
THAT GIRL YOU WERE SEEING?
KAREN?
- CAROL.
- CAROL. RIGHT.
SHE WAS GREAT.
- I MARRIED HER.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- SHE GAVE ME THE BOOT
SIX WEEKS AGO.
- HEY, DO YOU HAVE
ANY LOCAL BEERS?
- YEAH, ROCKY SPRINGS.
- I LOVE THEIR NEW SLOGAN.
"NOON AT LAST."
- WELL, THEN LOVE ME.
I WROTE IT.
- WHOA.
HEY, JOHN.
- AUTHOR, AUTHOR STANDING
RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU.
- JOHN, ARE WE GONNA HAVE
A PROBLEM HERE?
- NO.
- NO, NO, NO PROBLEM.
HOW ABOUT WE GET SOME SOLID FOOD
TO SOAK UP SOME OF THAT BOURBON?
- OKAY, BUT THAT'S MINE,
YOU KNOW.
- I KNOW.
- I DID THAT ONE.
- HEY, JOHN,
WE SAID SOLID FOOD.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK ICE IS?
[laughs]
- RIGHT.
- SORRY, I'M DRUNK.
- NO PROBLEM.
- IT'S ON ACCOUNT OF
ALL THE ALCOHOL.
- OH, THAT SOLVES THAT RIDDLE.
- YEAH.
- HEY, TELL ME ABOUT CAROL.
YOU KNOW,
WHY'D SHE GIVE YOU THE BOOT?
- WELL, SHE SAYS THAT
I MADE A VOW TO STOP DRINKING,
AND SHE SAYS I BROKE THAT VOW
SIX WEEKS AGO
BY DRINKING.
SHE SAYS THAT I FRIGHTENED HER
WHEN I CAME HOME ROARING DRUNK
THE NIGHT THAT JERK-FACE
TOOK MY SLOGAN.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS.
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- OH, SHE'S RIGHT.
YEAH.
- HEY, WELL,
YOU KNOW,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT UP,
THE BOOZIN'?
- WHY?
- MAYBE CAROL
WILL HAVE YOU BACK.
- [scoffs]
NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I-I BROKE MY PROMISE.
"PROMISES TO KEEP."
I DON'T HAVE A PRAYER
WITH CAROL.
- HEY, THEN DO IT
FOR YOURSELF THEN.
WE CAN GET YOU HELP.
- LOOK, MAN,
I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
OKAY?
I DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S HELP.
EXCEPT THE BARTENDER'S.
ANYBODY SEEN MY SHOES?
- [groans]
HEY, SIS.
WHAT'S THAT?
A NEW BLOUSE? IT LOOKS GREAT.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
MY FRIEND PAUL GREENBERG.
PAUL, RIGHT?
HE'S BEEN--
- CLAUSING IT UP AT THE MALL
WHILE YOU'VE BEEN
PLAYING MATCHMAKER?
- RIGHT.
- YEAH. I WORK THERE TOO.
REMEMBER, NICK?
- MM-HMM.
- HOW YOU DOING THERE?
IT'S PAUL GREENBERG?
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
- BATHROOM'S THAT WAY.
- I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?
- YES.
- OKAY.
- WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?
BETTER YET, WHAT IS HIS SUITCASE
DOING HERE?
- HERE'S THE THING,
HE'S BEEN STAYING AT THE Y
FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS,
AND WE THOUGHT HE COULD SAVE
A LITTLE MONEY IF HE JUST--
- OH, SO YOU THINK I'M RUNNING
A HALFWAY HOUSE
FOR YOU
AND YOUR CONVICT FRIENDS.
- RO...
- NO, NO, NO.
WHY DON'T WE JUST OPEN
A METHADONE CLINIC
IN THE BASEMENT, AND I CAN SELL
HOT TVs OUT OF THE ATTIC.
HOW WOULD THAT BE?
- I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE UPSET.
- YEAH, LOOK, I WANT YOUR FRIEND
AND HIS SUITCASE
OUT OF MY HOUSE
IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES
OR YOU CAN BOTH LEAVE.
AND I'M NOT KIDDING.
- NICK,
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR SISTER
OWNED A YELLOWTAIL DAMSELFISH.
CHRYSIPTERA PARASEMA.
I LOVE THAT SPECIES.
- YOU KNOW ABOUT TROPICAL FISH?
- DOESN'T EVERYONE?
HEY, NICK, DID YOU KNOW THAT
THESE FISH ONLY FEED AT DUSK?
NOW, HOW COOL IS THAT?
- OKAY, I WANT HIM OUT
BY MORNING.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
- AH, SONATA IN G MAJOR.
FRESHWATER FISH,
THEY LOVE THEIR CHOPIN.
I LIKE YOUR STYLE.
[clicks tongue, chuckles]
- OKAY, I WANT HIM OUT
BY THE END OF THE WEEK.
THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY.
- CAN I FEED THEM?
[indistinct conversation]
- I CAN JUST GROW IT
IN THE GARDEN.
OH, AND THIS IS NICK ON
THE SOCCER TEAM IN 11TH GRADE.
HE WAS THE GOALIE.
- YOU SURE DID HAVE
A LOT OF ACNE, NICK.
- THANK YOU, PAUL.
- OH, THIS IS ME
IN THE SCHOOL PLAY.
WE DID OUR TOWN THAT YEAR.
- YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MEG RYAN
RIGHT THERE.
- REALLY?
- OH, YEAH.
[doorbell rings]
- YOU'RE STILL GOING TO SCHOOL.
COME ON IN.
I HOPE YOU BROUGHT
YOUR FLAK JACKET.
- SANTA WASN'T LYING.
YOU'RE CALLING HIM A LIAR.
- I'M NOT.
I'M JUST SAYING
HE OVERPROMISED.
SOMETIMES GROWN-UPS
OVERPROMISE.
- NOT SANTA!
- BILLY.
- WHAT'S UP?
- THE MALL SANTA PROMISED HIM
THAT HE'D GET ME AND HIS FATHER
BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
- WOW.
- I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF IMBECILE
MAKES A PROMISE LIKE THAT
TO A LITTLE CHILD?
- RIGHT?
YOU NEVER KNOW, THOUGH.
YOU KNOW,
HE MIGHT BE A BRIGHT,
FUNNY, GOOD-LOOKING GUY
WHO WAS LEGITIMATELY DISTRACTED.
YOU JUST--
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.
- NOW HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO
PLAY IN THE PAGEANT TODAY.
- IT'S TODAY?
- YEAH.
- DO YOU MIND IF I TALK TO HIM
MAN-TO-MAN?
- YEAH.
[knocks on door]
- HEY, CHAMP.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I HEARD ABOUT SANTA'S PROMISE
AT THE MALL THE OTHER DAY.
- HE WASN'T LYING.
- I KNOW.
- YOU KNOW?
- SURE.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL BE ABLE
TO KEEP THAT PROMISE.
YOU KNOW, SOME JOBS
ARE EVEN TOO BIG FOR SANTA,
BUT HE'LL GIVE IT HIS BEST SHOT.
YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT EVEN
GET YOUR DAD TO COME
TO THE PAGEANT TODAY.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY
A LITTLE REINDEER TOLD ME.
[chuckles]
- JUST THE MAN I'M LOOKING FOR.
- HEY, CLASS OF '02.
- AH, THAT'S ME.
HEY, JOHN, YOU KNOW THAT BIG
GROCERY STORE UP THE ROAD THERE?
WELL, THIS WAS ON
THEIR BULLETIN BOARD.
- CHRISTMAS PAGEANT?
- YEAH, IT'S TODAY.
AND SEE?
BILLY'S GONNA BE PLAYING IN IT.
- I TOLD YOU MY SON'S NAME?
- HOW ELSE WOULD I KNOW IT?
THAT MEANS CAROL'S GONNA
BE THERE TOO, RIGHT?
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE
TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.
- [sighs]
- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO
GET CLEANED UP,
AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU HAD THAT SUIT WASHED?
- YESTERDAY.
- I DON'T MEAN IN THE RAIN.
- OH.
TWO MONTHS.
- MR. KENSINGTON.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING--
- WELL, YOU THINK I WOULDN'T BE
HERE FOR BILLY?
I'D SOONER MISS THE OSCARS.
- AW.
- HE WAS ACTUALLY GIDDY
ABOUT PERFORMING TONIGHT.
WHAT'D YOU SAY TO HIM ANYWAY?
- SORRY.
PRIVILEGED CONVERSATION.
MAN-TO-MAN.
- AH, OKAY.
- YEAH.
- [chuckles]
[playing Silent Night on bells]
*
ANYTHING WRONG?
- NO.
NO.
- [gasps]
THERE HE IS.
[squeals]
[giggles]
kids:
* SAID THE NIGHT WIND--
- OH, MY GOD.
kids:
* DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
- PLEASE SIT DOWN.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
I'M SORRY.
- HMM?
- [humming]
* SHEPHERD BOY
* DO YOU SEE WHAT I KNOW?
* DO-DO-DO
THE SHEPHERD BOY *
* DO YOU SEE WHAT I KNOW?
NO, NO, NO.
DON'T STOP.
DON'T STOP.
KEEP GOING, BUDDY.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
DOING GREAT.
- JOHN.
- SON, DON'T STOP.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
I'LL JUST--
BE OVER HERE SOMEWHERE, OKAY?
THAT'S MY BOY BILLY UP THERE,
EVERYBODY.
THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE.
HUH? ISN'T HE GREAT?
[claps]
LET'S GIVE HIM A BIG HAND,
HUH?
BIG HAND FOR BILLY.
COME ON.
WHAT--
WHAT?
WHAT--
OKAY.
[stammering]
POLICE BRUTALITY.
YOU'RE ALL WITNESSES.
WHAT?
- OH, MY GOD.
HE STOLE IT.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH DADDY?
- I TOLD YOU.
DADDY IS VERY SICK.
- IS HE EVER GONNA GET BETTER?
- MAYBE.
IF HE WANTS TO,
BUT RIGHT NOW
HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
- HOW IS HE?
- SLEEPING.
FINALLY.
HERE'S HOPING I CAN TOO, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- ARE YOU HUNGRY?
CAN I FIX YOU SOMETHING?
- NO, NO.
IN FACT,
I SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOIN'.
- OH, OKAY.
I'LL WALK YOU OUT.
WHAT WERE YOU SORRY FOR?
- SAY AGAIN?
- WHEN JOHN WENT WOBBLING
TOWARDS THE STAGE,
I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY,
"I'M SORRY."
WHAT WERE YOU SORRY FOR?
- I-I DON'T REMEMBER.
GUESS I WAS SORRY THAT
YOU AND BILLY HAD TO SEE THAT.
- YEAH.
ME TOO.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T HELP FEELING
THAT MOST OF THIS IS MY FAULT.
I KNOW IT'S NOT RATIONAL,
BUT MAYBE I WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH
WIFE TO HIM.
- CAROL.
- NO, MAYBE I--
MAYBE I DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH.
- CAROL, LOOK AT ME.
YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR JOHN.
HE MESSED UP.
NOT YOU.
HE HAS TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.
YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO.
YOU'VE GOT BILLY TO THINK ABOUT.
HEY,
YOU WERE RIGHT.
NO CHILD SEATS IN THE FAST LANE.
- YOU WANT TO STAY
FOR A GLASS OF WINE?
- [sighs]
I WANT TO.
I'D LOVE TO,
BUT...
IT'S--IT'S GETTING LATE.
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT BILLY.
HE'S A TOUGH KID.
- YEAH.
- ALMOST AS TOUGH AS HIS MOM.
- NICK?
NICK,
I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.
HOW'S IT GOING?
- HEY.
- WANT TO SHARE A KING-SIZED
CHOCOLATE AND NOUGAT?
- NO, THANKS.
- SO WHERE ARE YOU BOUND FOR,
NICK?
- MILWAUKEE.
- WHO'S IN MILWAUKEE?
- NOBODY.
THAT'S ONE OF ITS CHARMS.
WHERE ARE YOU--
- WELL, ONE OF MY FLOCK
GOT HIMSELF INTO
QUITE THE PICKLE.
NOT TOO FAR FROM HERE.
I GOT TO GO WHERE I'M NEEDED.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, NICK?
WHATEVER HAPPENED WITH YOU
AND THE ALIEN?
- [scoffs]
- REALLY, NICK?
SOMEPLACE ELSE YOU GOT TO BE
RIGHT NOW?
- SO BECAUSE OF YOU,
THE HUSBAND'S IN JAIL,
THE WIFE IS HALF IN LOVE
WITH YOU,
YOU MIGHT FEEL THE SAME
FOR HER AS WELL.
IS THAT THE TWEET?
- THAT'S THE TWEET.
- [laughs]
AS IF THIS SITUATION
WASN'T DRAMATIC ENOUGH.
- SEE?
THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT
TO SAY ANYTHING.
- HMM.
YOU HAD TO SPICE IT UP.
MAKE IT MORE EXCITING.
I UNDERSTAND.
MM-HMM.
- YOU'RE, LIKE, THE MOST
SARCASTIC CLERIC OF ALL TIME.
YOU KNOW THAT?
- [laughs]
ACTUALLY...
[laughs]
I'M IN DEAD HEAT
WITH THOMAS AQUINAS.
BUT YOU WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING FUNNY, NICK?
- YOU MEAN FOR A CHANGE?
- [laughs]
I'M HOLDING BACK ON THE SARCASM.
- WHAT ARE YOU PICKING ON ME
FOR?
- BECAUSE I EXPECT MORE
FROM YOU.
EH, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
GOOD PEOPLE HAVE IT TOUGHER.
- WHO SAYS I'M GOOD?
- WHY'D YOU LEAVE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TELL
ANYBODY,
AND YOU LOOK TIRED, NICK.
YOUR EYES ARE AS BLOODSHOT
AS COURTNEY LOVE
ON A SUNDAY MORNING,
AND I KNOW YOU'RE STILL
HAVING A HARD TIME SLEEPING.
YOU KNOW, NICK,
IF YOU WEREN'T A GOOD PERSON,
NONE OF THIS WOULD BE
NAGGING YOU.
- I CAN'T HELP THEM.
- MAYBE NOT.
- I'M SORRY?
- MAYBE NOT.
LISTEN, NICK,
FAMILIES BREAK APART
ALL THE TIME.
MAYBE YOU CAN'T HELP THEM.
- BUT?
- BUT HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED
AS HARD AS YOU CAN?
HAVE YOU DONE EVERYTHING
IN YOUR POWER?
OR DO YOU HAVE JUST
A LITTLE MORE GAS IN YOUR TANK?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RETURN
THE CAR WITH AN EMPTY TANK.
THAT'S THE RULE.
- WHOSE RULE?
[chuckles]
NO, I TOLD YOU,
I DON'T BELIEVE--
- AHH, NICK.
BUT HE BELIEVES IN YOU,
AND HE ALWAYS HAS.
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
- [exhales]
STEALING A SUIT?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?
- I WANTED TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION.
- OH, GOT TO LOVE THE IRONY
THERE.
- THEY WERE ASKING 1,400 BUCKS.
- WELL, MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE YOU
A DISCOUNT
NOW THAT IT'S BEEN USED.
- THANKS FOR BAILING ME OUT,
BUT WHY?
- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY
I HAVE MY OWN REASONS
FOR WANTING TO HELP YOU.
LET'S TALK.
- I HAD A TON OF IDEAS
FOR THAT BEER CAMPAIGN,
AND THEY WERE ALL
ON MY HARD DRIVE.
- YOU THINK THIS REPPERTON GUY
STOLE YOUR PASSWORD.
- OH, I KNOW HE DID.
- WHAT WAS IT?
- ROSE POGONIAS.
- "ROSE BOGONIAS"?
- POGONIAS.
IT'S A POEM BY ROBERT FROST.
- HOW DID REPPERTON
GET AHOLD OF IT?
- PROBABLY BY GETTING ME DRUNK.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY AFTER
HE RIPPED OFF YOUR WORK
YOU STARTED BOOZING AGAIN?
- I LIED.
BEEN OFF THE WAGON 14 MONTHS.
CAROL THINKS IT'S TWO.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE A WORD I'VE
SAID ABOUT REPPERTON, DO YOU?
- I DON'T KNOW YET.
- OH, MR. REPPERTON?
- YEAH.
- THESE ARE THE FIGURES
THAT YOU WERE ASKING FOR.
- OH, THANK YOU,
AND I SEE SOME OTHER FIGURES
I LIKE A WHOLE LOT BETTER,
SO I'M JUST THROWING IT
OUT THERE.
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.
THROWING IT OUT THERE.
- DELIVERY FROM ROCCO'S.
- OH, GREAT. PIZZA.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA TAKE YOU RIGHT INTO
THE CONFERENCE ROOM.
- OH, OKAY.
- OKAY.
PIZZA, EVERYBODY!
PIZZA.
PIPIN' HOT.
- WHOA, WHOA.
WHO ORDERED THAT?
- LET'S SEE HERE.
THE SLIP HERE SAYS
"COMPLIMENTS OF MR. W."
- MR. W?
- OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE
HOWARD WAXMAN.
HE REALLY LOVED THE SLOGAN,
STEVE.
- COME ON, PHIL, YOU KNOW
IT'S A TEAM EFFORT, BUDDY.
- ALL RIGHT.
DIG IN, EVERYBODY.
UH-OH.
OH, HOLD THE PHONE.
- HOLD THE PHONE?
- OH, YEAH.
THAT EIGHT LOOKED LIKE
A THREE BEFORE.
I'M AT THE WRONG ADDRESS.
- WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT?
- THIS IS NOT YOUR PIZZA.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SPIT IT OUT, SIR.
COME ON.
HERE YOU GO.
NO. COME ON. PLEASE.
- SIR, HERE WE GO.
I'M SORRY, BIG MAN.
THAT COMES OUT OF MY PAY.
- WAIT, SLOW DOWN, BUDDY.
HOW ABOUT I JUST PAY
FOR THE PIZZA?
OKAY, I JUST GOT A PROMOTION.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
I'LL HANDLE IT.
- WHAT, SO I'M LATE
FOR MY NEXT DELIVERY?
NO WAY.
- LISTEN, I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS
TO SAY YOU GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC.
- I'LL MATCH IT.
- WHOA.
- OKAY, OKAY,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
I SEE THAT YOU GOT A DART BOARD,
A NERF BASKETBALL.
THIS SEEMS LIKE
A SPORTING CROWD TO ME.
- YEAH.
- MM-HMM.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE MAKE A LITTLE WAGER?
- A WAGER?
- YEAH, COST OF THE PIZZA
SAYS THAT THIS MAN HERE
CAN'T COUNT BACKWARDS FROM 100
BY NINES
WHILE BALANCING A HOT CUP OF
COFFEE ON THE BACK OF EACH HAND.
[laughter]
- YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME,
BUDDY.
I COULD DO THAT ON ONE LEG.
- ALL SET?
- MM-HMM.
- GO.
- BY NINES, RIGHT?
- YEAH.
- 100.
91.
82.
73.
64.
55.
40--
- [whispers]
ROSE POGONIAS.
- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
- JUST ANOTHER POETRY LOVER.
- TWO OUT OF THREE?
[alarm beeping]
- WE HAVE 30 SECONDS
TO DISABLE THE ALARM.
- CAN YOU DO IT?
- OF COURSE I CAN.
I TOLD YOU I CAN AS LONG AS
IT'S NOT A FENWICK.
IT'S A FENWICK.
- WHAT DO WE DO?
- WE HURRY.
[alarm speeds up]
ALL RIGHT, IF HE HACKED IN
FROM THIS COMPUTER,
THERE'LL BE A RECORD OF IT.
- WHAT IF HE USED JOHN'S?
- OH, THEN WE'RE SCREWED.
GOT IT.
- WHAT?
- [chuckles]
HE DID HACK IN FROM HERE.
HE TRIED ENCRYPTING THE DATA,
BUT EH...
- YOU'RE YOU.
- EXACTLY.
- HOW DAMNING?
- OH, SMOKING GUN.
TIMES, DATES, THE WORKS.
- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
EMAIL THE DATA TO THIS ADDRESS.
- ALL RIGHT.
- WHO'S JILL STANWYCK?
- THE BOSS.
[sirens blaring]
AND IF YOU COULD DO IT
IN THE NEXT 40 SECONDS,
THAT'D BE GOOD TOO.
ALMOST DONE?
- YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.
- SORRY.
SORRY. SORRY. SORRY.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
ALMOST DONE?
- DONE.
- RIGHT.
THEY'RE COMING THROUGH
THE FRONT DOOR,
WHICH MEANS WE HAVE TO JUMP.
- JUMP?
- YEAH. OUT THE WINDOW.
- OKAY.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
OKAY, OH, OH.
OKAY,
BUT IF I DIE,
TELL YOUR SISTER I LOVED HER.
- THERE'S A FIRE ESCAPE.
- OH, YEAH,
I'LL TELL HER MYSELF.
- AH, WELL, WELL, WELL,
MISS OLIVIA LOOKS HAPPY TODAY.
HAVING DREAMS ABOUT ME
LAST NIGHT?
- [giggles]
MRS. STANWYCK WANTS TO SEE YOU.
YEAH.
- HEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE THE RIGHT--
YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT...
TO PUSH ME.
I GOT YOU THAT JOB.
- LET'S CHECK THE COLOR VALUES
AND THE FONT WEIGHT
OF THE WEBPAGE DONE 11/22.
[knocks]
HEY, COME IN.
ALMOST FINISHED HERE.
- ME TOO, ACTUALLY.
- SO WHEN'S THE BIG UNVEILING?
- TOMORROW.
YOU'RE GONNA BE HOME
AROUND 6:00, RIGHT?
[cell phone rings]
- MM-HMM. OH.
IT'S JOHN.
HE'S CALLING ME
20 TIMES A DAY NOW.
- WELL, YOU COULD ANSWER IT.
- I DON'T ACCEPT CALLS
FROM STRANGERS.
- YOU KNOW,
A FRIEND OF MINE WORKS SECURITY
OVER AT STANWYCK ROLLINS.
HE SAID A GUY NAMED REPPERTON
WAS FIRED YESTERDAY
FOR STEALING INTELLECTUAL
PROPERTY FROM YOUR HUSBAND.
- GREAT.
I'M PLEASED.
- THAT'S IT?
- WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?
- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.
MORE.
- [sighs]
I'M GLAD THEY CLEARED
JOHN'S NAME.
I AM.
DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT HE'S BECOME.
DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
HIS FAMILY'S WORTH LESS TO HIM
THAN THE PRICE
OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.
YOU WANT MORE,
MR. KENSINGTON?
SORRY, BUT THIS IS ALL I HAVE
AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW.
- WHAT IF HE GETS HELP?
- SORRY?
- THE HELP HE'S BEEN AVOIDING
ALL THIS TIME.
WHAT IF HE ACCEPTED IT?
ON THE LEVEL?
- I'D TAKE HIM BACK TOMORROW
IF IT WAS ON THE LEVEL,
BUT HE'LL NEVER DO IT.
JOHN HAS A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER
THE SIZE OF RHODE ISLAND.
YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
- WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO SWING BY
HOME DEPOT BEFORE THEY...
IS IT SNOWING OUT?
- WHAT?
OH, NO.
I DON'T THINK SO.
BUT I HEAR IT'S SUPPOSED TO
CHRISTMAS NOW.
- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
- INTRODUCING YOUR BODY
TO A FOREIGN SUBSTANCE.
IT'S WATER.
DON'T PANIC.
- HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?
- OH, IT TOOK MONTHS
OF PLANNING, JOHN.
THIS PLACE IS LIKE FORT KNOX.
UH-UH.
UH-UH. NO.
NOT IN FRONT OF ME.
NOT ANYMORE.
NO, I DON'T THINK SO, JOHN.
I EAT SOLID FOOD.
I'LL KNOCK YOU FLAT.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I WANT YOU TO HEAR SOMETHING.
- WHAT?
- THE PRAYER YOU HAVEN'T GOT.
- I'D TAKE HIM BACK TOMORROW
IF IT WAS ON THE LEVEL,
BUT HE'LL NEVER DO IT.
- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?
- WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
THE QUESTION IS,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
- I ALREADY TOLD HER
I WAS SORRY.
- THAT'S THE EASY PART.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE LEARNED
OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS, JOHN?
IT'S NOT THE THOUGHT
THAT COUNTS.
IT'S THE DEED.
ACTIONS MATTER, JOHN.
WHAT WE DO MATTERS.
THE REST IS DECORATION.
[sighs]
- HEY, I TOLD YOU
I OWED YOU ONE, NICK.
- CAN THEY REALLY GET THIS DONE
IN SIX HOURS?
- WITH THE INCENTIVE
I PROMISED THEM, ABSOLUTELY.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- LUNCH AT HOOTERS.
- OH, THAT'LL DO IT.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SUPERVISE
THIS YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?
- NO, NO, I KNOW.
I THOUGHT IT'D GIVE US
A CHANCE TO CATCH UP,
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
HAVE A LITTLE TALK.
- WHAT ABOUT?
- ABOUT YOUR PLANS
FOR ONE THING.
- I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT
DIPPING MY TOE
INTO THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW,
SEEING WHAT THAT'S LIKE.
- YEAH, OH, YEAH,
WELL, GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT
IS PRETTY GOOD FOR MOST PEOPLE.
HEY, DID I TELL YOU
WE'RE BUILDING A NEW REC ROOM?
STATE OF THE ART, WIFI,
OH, SATELLITES,
OH, A SATELLITE
THE SIZE OF THE MOON.
- WARDEN, I'M NOT GONNA GET
MYSELF THROWN BACK IN PRISON
JUST TO HELP YOU
WITH YOUR POKER GAME.
- OH, COME ON, NICK,
WILL YA?
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LISTENED
TO MY PITCH YET.
- I LOVE IT.
- IT'S WHAT I DO.
- [chuckles]
- OH, BY THE WAY,
IS THIS YOURS?
IT WAS IN MY COAT POCKET.
I GUESS I ACCIDENTLY TOOK IT.
LOOKS JUST LIKE MY LANCET GAUGE.
- HMM, WONDERED WHERE
THAT GOT TO.
- SO YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA SELL THIS PLACE?
- TIME TO MOVE ON.
- LOOK, MOM,
IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH
FILED DOWN TO A POINT.
- HUH.
- THAT'S WEIRD.
JOHN?
YOU SEEN JOHN GUTHRIE TONIGHT?
- NOPE.
NOT LAST NIGHT EITHER.
- THANKS.
- HEY.
I KNOW WHERE HE IS, THOUGH.
- SORRY TO CALL YOU DOWN HERE
SO LATE.
I CAME TO USE THE RESTROOM,
WHEN I NOTICED SOMETHING
INCREDIBLE
YOU REALLY HAVE TO SEE.
- WOW. WHAT IS IT?
- MOLDING.
- MOLDING?
- LANCET MOLDING.
IT HAS AN AMAZING TEXTURE TO IT.
I CAN HAVE IT IN YOUR OFFICE
NEXT WEEK IF YOU WANT.
COULD REALLY ENHANCE THE VALUE.
YOU SEE THAT?
- UH-HUH.
- LOOK AT THAT CRAFTSMANSHIP.
- WOW.
THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING.
- THAT'S W.P.A. FOR YOU.
- MY NAME IS JOHN,
AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
group:
HI, JOHN.
- HELLO.
THIS IS ONLY MY SECOND NIGHT
HERE, BUT...
I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WALKED IN
TEN YEARS AGO...
BEFORE I EVER MARRIED
MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE,
BEFORE OUR AMAZING SON WAS BORN,
BACK WHEN I STILL
HAD A FEW EXCUSES LEFT.
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO ASK YOU
FOR MY OLD JOB BACK.
- NO?
- NO, BUT AS LONG AS I'M HERE,
MAY I PLEASE HAVE
MY OLD JOB BACK?
- I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST,
OH, 50 REASONS
FOR TURNING YOU DOWN FLAT
RIGHT NOW.
- BUT ONLY 20 REALLY GOOD ONES,
THOUGH.
I'M A GREAT COPYWRITER, JILL.
- YOU'RE THE BEST, JOHN,
WHEN YOU'RE NOT DRINKING.
- YOU MAY BE IN LUCK.
- WHAT ELSE IS IN THERE
BESIDES EGGNOG?
OH, TAKE IT.
- THANKS.
- HEY, BRO,
YOU KNOW WHY PHONES
HAVE RINGERS?
SO WE DON'T HAVE TO
LOOK AT THEM.
- YEAH, WHO'S SUPPOSED TO CALL?
- JOHN.
HE'S GONNA LET ME KNOW
IF HE CONNECTS WITH CAROL.
OH.
- * BUT DO YOU RECALL
* THE MOST FAMOUS
- WANT SOME HOT COCOA?
- * REINDEER OF ALL
[cell phone rings]
[sighs]
[ringing continues]
HELLO?
- OH, UH...
HEY.
I'M SURPRISED YOU ANSWERED.
- ME TOO.
- I'M GLAD YOU DID, THOUGH.
- ME TOO.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY NOW.
- ME TOO.
- WHAT IF SHE WON'T
TAKE HIM BACK?
- THE BEST YOU CAN DO
IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO.
- I LIKE THAT.
- BOB COSTAS.
- OH.
- I WANT TO COME HOME, CAROL.
I'M--I'M READY TO COME HOME.
I MEAN,
IF YOU'LL LET ME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,
BUT JUST DON'T SAY NO,
PLEASE.
- IT CAN'T BE TONIGHT, JOHN,
OR MAYBE EVER.
I NEED TIME TO THINK ABOUT THIS.
- I KNOW.
I KNOW.
HEY, I BOUGHT BILLY
A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
CAN I GIVE IT TO YOU?
CAN WE MEET SOMEWHERE?
- WHERE?
- I'M BACK AT STANWYCK
AND ROLLINS.
WE COULD MEET AT THE OFFICE.
- I'LL HAVE TO DROP BILLY OFF
WITH MRS. NICHOLS.
IS 9:00 TOO LATE?
- NO, 9:00.
I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
CRAP.
- UH, LET'S SEE.
I HAVE A HOTEL ON EACH PROPERTY.
YOU OWE ME 1,200.
- OH, CAN YOU LET ME SLIDE?
- ABSOLUTELY.
- [giggles]
[phone rings]
- IT'S FROM JOHN.
- WHAT DOES IT SAY?
- YEAH, READ THAT.
- THEY'RE MEETING AT HIS OFFICE.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE
BY 9:00,
BUT HE GOT A FLAT TIRE.
- WELL, ARE THEY GETTING BACK
TOGETHER?
- HE DOESN'T KNOW.
- WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
GO DOWN THERE.
SCOPE THINGS OUT A LITTLE.
- RIGHT.
- OH, MY.
YOU DON'T WANT THEM
BACK TOGETHER, DO YOU?
- WHAT'S THE COMPLICATION?
- WHAT?
IT'S MINOR, REALLY.
HARDLY WORTH MENTIONING.
I THINK...
I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- [whistling]
OH.
OKAY. LET IT WORK.
PLEASE, LET IT WORK.
PLEASE, LET IT--
[laughs]
YES.
[sighs]
- RO.
- GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
GET OUT!
- HEY, HEY, HEY. WHOA. WHOA.
WHAT GOT YOU? WHAT GOT YOU?
THE PUPPY?
- THIMBLE.
- OKAY.
- GET OUT!
- I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON
JOHN AND CAROL.
[alarm beeping]
[beeping stops]
- ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
[muttering indistinctly]
OOH, GIRL,
NO, YOU DIDN'T
CHANGE THESE LOCKS ON ME--
OKAY.
OH, OKAY.
OH, YOU--
YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?
YOU WANT TO PLAY HARDBALL?
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY
SOME HARDBALL.
IT'S TIME FOR SOME PLAN B.
OH, YOU WANT TO RUN
WITH THE BIG DOGS?
WE GONNA RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS.
YOU WANT TO RUN WITH THE MAJORS?
WELL, WELCOME
TO THE 1927 YANKEES!
THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
WHERE REPPERTON IS FROM.
SOMETIMES YOU POKE THE BEAR,
AND YOU GET A CLAW--
YOU GET A CLAW IN YOUR FACE.
YOU GET MAULED, SEE?
YOU GET A MAULING.
SEE, Y'ALL SAY Y'ALL WANTED
TO GET MAULED.
[chuckling]
- JOHN?
JOHN?
- [grunting]
- JOHN!
JOHN?
[coughing]
JOHN?
[coughing]
[gasping]
[explosion]
- CAROL?
CAROL!
- [coughing]
- [coughing]
CAROL?
- [coughing]
- [grunts]
[flames roaring]
- OH, MY GOD.
[glass shatters]
[coughs]
CAROL?
[coughs]
COME ON!
[grunts]
NO, NO.
PLEASE!
HELP ME DO THIS!
[grunting]
- [coughing]
JOHN, HONEY.
NICK.
- THAT'S ME.
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
- I SAW JOHN COMING TO SAVE ME,
AND...
- THAT'S WHAT HE DID, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
YEAH, I WAS DRIVING BY,
AND I SAW THE SMOKE.
BY THE TIME I CAME RUNNING UP,
HE HAD ALREADY PULLED YOU CLEAR.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
THEN HE--HE TRIPPED
AND HIT HIS HEAD.
KNOCKED HIMSELF COLD.
- OH, MY GOD.
- I DOUBT HE'LL REMEMBER
A THING.
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO,
CAROL.
- GO?
- YEAH.
THE HOUSE IS FINISHED NOW,
AND IT'S A GOOD HOME,
CAROL.
MAYBE THE BEST HOME
IN THE WORLD.
[sirens wailing]
I WANT YOU BOTH
TO TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?
HEY.
YOU PROMISE ME?
YOU PROMISE?
[sirens wailing]
[engine turns over, car starts]
- [coughing]
- [humming]
- HEY, RUNNING MAN,
MIND IF WE CHECK THE TRUNK?
- * WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
- YOU KNOW WHERE THAT GOES?
WHERE'S IT GO?
YEAH, I MEAN--
OKAY, PERFECT.
- NICE.
- NOW WHERE'S THIS GO?
HUH?
MAKE SURE WE HAVE A GOOD BASE.
DON'T PUSH HIM.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO FALL OVER.
- AH.
- DON'T EAT THE EYES.
- WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL:
MY BROTHER IS GOING TO HEAVEN.
- HMM.
I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.
- I KNOW YOU REJECT THE IDEA,
NICKY, BUT DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU'RE STILL ENDING UP THERE.
- RIGHT NOW I NEED TO GO
THANK SOMEBODY.
CARE TO DROP ME?
- WHERE TO?
- LET'S GO TO CHURCH.
- HEY.
- [chuckles]
- YEAH!
- OH, NO!
I HATE THIS GAME,
BUT DO IT ANYWAY!
NO!
NOT THE PANTS!
- YOU SURE
THIS IS THE RIGHT CHURCH?
- NICK, THIS CHURCH HAS BEEN
CLOSED SINCE THE '70s.
- YEAH, COME HERE.
WARM UP.
I DON'T KNOW.
- NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
- COLD.
HEY.
NICK?
- [sighs]
- NICK, YOU OKAY?
- HUH?
YEAH.
- WELL, IS ANYBODY IN THERE?
- YEAH.
I THINK THERE IS.
- * WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
- SHOTGUN.
- OH, HEY.
REALLY?
WE'RE PLAYING THAT GAME?
- * WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
* GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING
TO YOU AND YOUR KIN *
* GOOD TIDINGS FOR CHRISTMAS
AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR *
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
* WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
[wily upbeat music]
*
*