Santa Claus Is a Stinker (1982) - full transcript

Félix, disguised as Father Christmas, hands out leaflets advertising a sexy Christmas party. His place is taken by an African Santa Claus and he returns to his caravan only to find his girlfriend Josette about to leave him. When he comes after her, she takes refuge at "SOS Distress", run by two neurotics, Thérèse and Pierre.

Go to the Pigallos...

There's a surprise for you there...

Give me a picture,
Santa Claus.

It's not for kids...
Beat it.

Go on, beat it!

Don't you molest that child!

He pulled my beard!

So what? L could pull it, too.
He's only a child.

Still here?

We warned you 10 times.
We don't want you here. Go away!

This is a democracy,
you don't own the sidewalk.

L don't care.
Go away!

They won't let me work.
L'm just outta jail...

but l paid my debt to society.
L ain't ashamed.

They won't let me rehabilitate!

Stop the fuss...

or l'm gonna make you stop,
got it?

Alright, alright...
Take it easy, l'll go.

Fascist pigs!

See that?

Run after the bastard!

Go on, catch him!

Gimme a piece of
that long, black, soft thing.

Hi, you rats!

Mama home?

Look at this!

She could clean up!

- Sorry for the trouble...
- Not at all!

That's what we're here for.


Lt's me, Josette.
Answer me.

Fuck that recording!
L wanna talk to you!

You have dialed
SOS Friendship...

Hold the line,
a friend...

will soon answer your call.

L feel much better already...

l'm glad
l could be of some assistance.

L mean it,
l used to feel trapped, closed in.

L understand...
Like in a shell, yes...


Since my daughter left...

With her father...

Merry Christmas...
Don't hesitate calling us again.

Toys are so expensive now.

L spent so much!
No less than 785 francs.

Let me tell you...

Yes, Mrs Musquin?

Know what l think?

Children are spoiled nowadays.

When all they'd need
is string and cardboard!

But what can we do?

What's Pierre doing?

What time is it?

8:06 on my watch.

8:10 on mine!

Of course l'll be
awfully late for my sister's.

My brother-in-law is so terribly stiff.
L can hear him already...

He must be held up somewhere.

Held up! Your naïveté borders on
silliness sometimes, Therese.

No need to be a prophet...
It's a woman.

How dare you
insinuate such a thing?

L must admit
that Pierre isn't very...


But to suspect him
of deception...

You don't know men.

With them,
lateness means deception.

Believe me, l know. Indeed!

L was so worried.
L feared the worst.

L'm sorry l'm so late.
The children wouldn't let me go.

Also, l had to take a gift
to an old people's home.

L'm not blaming you, Pierre,
but l almost got upset.

L'm terribly late.

L must be off.

Merry Christmas...

Have a nice evening.

Merry Christmas to you!

No harm done.

Where've you been?

L was callin' Therese, you mind?

That cunt from SOS?

L told you
not to call those guys!

Fuck off, you scumbag!

Therese is my benefactoress!

L'm splitting.
L'm through with this rabbit shithouse!

Besides, they'll give
mixermatose to the baby.

And gimme my pregnancy money back.

You start that again
and l'll smash you!

You just try and my brother'll make
meatballs outta you!

Your brother's a sissy.

How come
he scares you shitless...

Get off my back!

Know what was in there?

Your underpants and your D- shirt,
you dumb ass!

- L'll steal me another!
- You sonovabitch!

Goddammit, my rats!

Come back...
She's gone crazy!


Come back...

or l'll kill you!

And you S.O.B. S,
get back here!

Come back...
No, go away!

Where are you off to?

Not there,
that's the expressway!

L'm stuck in the elevator!

Pierre, answer me,
will you?

What's the matter?
Have they gone deaf?

SOS Friendship?


Well, well...

Not too many calls?

Nothing serious.

Just routine.
Only one call since 6 PM.

L see, l see...

SOS Friendship, good evening...

Is this SOS Friendship?

L can't hear you.

L've reached the end of the line.
What should l do?

Hello, hello?
Press the button, please...

It's a bad connection.
Call me back!

Well, only one call
since 6 PM, you say...

Not much for a Christmas Eve.

Yes, but...
that's better in a way.

L see, l see...

Better for them, you're right.

But quiet for us.

Did you put the receiver back?

Otherwise it can't ring, you know.

Only for that reason,

you see.

L'm almost done
with the gloves for the lepers.

The Red Cross asked me
for 3-fingered gloves. Isn't it silly?

Mittens would've been much better.


And even, l might say...

a good old pair of socks!

Pierre, how dare you!

We're so silly sometimes...

l'd rather be on duty
with you than with Mrs Musquin.

L mean, she's nice...
but in a sense she lacks...

l mean, she's a bit stiff.

L see, l see...

l hate to speak ill of people.
Such a nice person indeed!

Junk! All this is junk!

Pure 100% junk!

At that price, it's a scandal!

Wow, a call!

SOS Friendship here.
Merry Christmas, sir.

Not at all,
l'm here to listen.

L'm calling
because l'm feeling very lonely.

Not anymore, sir.
The SOS crew is with you.

Could l come to see you?

L'm sorry, that's impossible.

Haven't you got any relatives... could visit?
- They don't like me.

L see, l see...

Couldn't you go
to a party or something?

Well... are you married, sir?

L was engaged once,
but it didn't work out.

L see, l see...

Talk to us,
we're here to listen to you.

L don't know where l stand anymore,
or who l am...

Or even if it's me talking now.

No, you're talking now,
l know so!

Hold yourself together, sir.

Black clouds...

always have a silver lining.

We are here to...

L must come and see you tonight.

L'm sorry, it's a rule...

and we never break rules.
L'm sorry.

- Just for a minute...
- Please don't insist.

L beg you, it's Christmas!

Well... it's...

Rue Montmartre, 17.

L'll be right over.

L'm sorry, Therese.
He said it was Christmas...

and l couldn't find
the strength to refuse.

Hey, Charles Bronson...

Don't sulk. There's no reason
to feel depressed.

Don't call me that, Dad.

Bronson, Bronson!

Don't worry, Pierre.
This man will be here soon...

You'll comfort him,
you're so good at that. And he'll go.

No, l broke the rules!

Our by-laws
allow it in certain cases.

It wasn't called for!

L was weak and cowardly.
L failed!

Let me make amends!

SOS! Merry Christmas!

Yes! Merry Christmas!

- This'll be my last Christmas.
- L see, l see...

- l have leukemia and...
- l see, l see...

Tonight, l wanted to wish
a woman Merry Christmas.

What a great lesson of courage
you are giving us!

Here is my colleague.

Merry Christmas, sir,
if l may say so...

- What is your name?
- Therese.

Well Therese, fuck your ass,
fuck your cunt...

fuck your tits
and your nostrils...

Stop it! Stop immediately!
We can't have that!

L don't talk to faggots.
Put the dyke onl

Another pervert.
He'll tie up our line!

No way!

You wanted action,
now you have it.

Not for me!

Your friend
is stuck in the elevator.

She's been blowing
her horn for an hour now.

What happened, Mrs Musquin?

L've been shouting
myself hoarse for an hour.

Once again, the power went off.

Would you be kind enough
to turn it back on?

L'm sorry we didn't hear you.

We did! Funny that this thing
breaks down only with you people.

Let's go eat
before dinner turns cold.

Go on, move it!

Lt's not the switch.

Of course not!
Look in the fuse box.

That's the way
the former super used to fix it.

- A child could do it.
- L need a screwdriver.

L'll go get it.

Don't you have a Swiss knife?

No l don't. L'm sorry.

No offense,
it's just that they're very handy.

Your sister just phoned.
They can't wait for you any longer.

L hate oysters anyway...

The gifts are
in such a sad shape now!

They're definitely ruined.


Lt's the thought that counts,
but still...

Hurry up, Pierre
or l'll miss the turkey!


L hate the dark...

What's that package
in the kitchen?

You've been nosing about again...

Actually, l have
a surprise for you, too.

- Hush!
- Hurry up!

L couldn't even find
a proper screwdriver.

Lt's me, Josette.

L kept dialing.
My God, how you talk!

L just fought with Felix.
Can l sleep over at your place?

You chose the wrong night.
L'm on call...

You said l could come
sleep if l don't touch...

your little curious.
L won't touch 'em.

Ah, my curios...

l have no place to go.

Alright, come over for the keys.

- L'm sick of your fights.
- Ain't my fault.

He started it.

Shit, here he comes!

Tell me the truth, Pierre,
is there a snag?

L'm afraid
of being electrocuted.

Don't be ridiculous.
You have rubber soles.

Who was that?
A case?

No, it was Josette,
my brave little protégée.

She's fighting adversity
with great dignity.

Where there's a will...

Do you think he'll manage?
He really seems to be all thumbs!

Come on up,
help me open it.

If you push here,
l could get into it.

L'm coming!

Let's face it, Pierre...

you can't do it.
Call a repairman.

L'm almost there...

Why waste money?

That's alright,

l insist on sharing the expenses.

Why should we share the expenses?

She got in there
by herself!

Moreover, you're the one
who paid for the Christmas tree.

And she got her share!

That's right.
Come over here...

See if you can
pry the case up...

Perhaps l could stick
a finger into it.

Yes, push here.

Why didn't you remove
the 3 other screws?

L would have
with a proper screwdriver.

Push there...

Watch out!

You cunt! You bitch!

Lt was bound to happen!

You must've hurt yourself...

Pierre, answer me,
does it hurt a lot?

L'm so sorry.
It's all my fault.

L'm so clumsy...

Now that you managed
to hurt yourself,

will you call a repairman?

Lt really hurts!

Excuse me, Therese...

l said such awful things...
l didn't mean them, of course.

Of course, Pierre.

Not sooner?
Thank you anyway.

L know you're not
all those things l said...

- What did they say?
- 2 hours' wait.

And you already wasted an hour!
No Christmas dinner!

Thank you all the same!

Go on, answer it.

Don't mind me.

Telephone, Therese!

Say, Therese...

That gift on the chair,
is it something to eat?

L'm calling... because...

Well, l have a problem.

Not a real problem, but...
you see... when l was a kid,

l couldn't stand
living in a small town...

But that's not the problem, really...
It's Alice...

Don't be childish!

L don't know
if l can make myself clear...

Very clear, sir.
L'm with you.

This poor man can't speak
three words in a row!

Thanks anywayl

He hung up!

He was so shy.

Well, since you can't wait,
here it is. Merry Christmas!

Ls it for me?

Thank you, you shouldn't
have, really... It's too much.

L hope you like it.
You're hard to please.

Just the thought
is already so generous!

Open it!

Of course, just the wrapping is so...

A floor-rag... How beautiful!
L'm so happy!

Lt's a sweater.

L see, l see...

Of course a sweater!
With holes for the arms...

l'm so happy, Therese,
l love it!

The color, too?

First, l had thought of navy blue...

But l felt
this would change you a bit.

You were right! Gray and burgundy
will go with anything.

How do you like the style?
You won't see two of them.

L hope so!

A real good choice...

l needed something
for taking the garbage out.

L'm so glad
you like it, because...

Don't move.

My gift is something l painted.

Oh Pierre, it's so sweet of you.

You mustn't look at it
as an erotic fantasy...

but rather... let's say...
as creative research.

An artist's frenzy.

What is it now?

Ah, Mr Preskovitch...

The elevator is out of order again,
and your friend is...

We know, we know.
We've done what we could. Thanks.

L have brought you
a Christmas gift, from my country.

You make us feel quite ashamed.
We don't have anything for you...

No, we don't.

It's been so long
since we last saw you...

that we thought
you had died!

How cruel!
Of course l'm not dead.

L work on the turnpike,
at night.

It's very windy, but quiet.

You're so fortunate,
Mr Preskovitch.

Let's not keep you.
Merry Christmas!

Not at all, l'm off tonight.
L've brought you some "dubbiccu"...

Like chocolate.

L'll store them away.

You don't want to taste them?

Sure do!

Of course we'll taste them now.

- You first.
- Please.

It's hard to choose.

There's such a wide selection.

These are the famous
Sofia "dubbiccu".

They're excellent.

They're made of the best...

artificial cocoa powder,

and saccharine as well.

Have you reached
the sort of second layer yet?

No need to be hungry...

They're all home-made.

They do taste home-made!

and rolled under the armpits.

Now, we won't
keep you any longer.

Glad you liked 'em.
Normally, they're only for decoration.

L won't say any more.

Right, please don't.
Thanks again.

- L'll come over some other time.
- Not before!

When it's more quiet.


How are you doing, Mrs Musquin?

Very well, thank you.

It's disgusting!
Want to spit it out?

No, it was a present from the heart.

You're right.
But he interrupted me.

L was about to show you my gift.
Now l'm nervous...

l hope you'll like it.

It's the thought that counts.

Imagine it in your home.

L can't say
l don't like it, but...

The village is certainly nice...

The fat woman in the foreground...
That's going a bit far...

Now l realize that unfortunately...

l captured the pig better than you.

God, Mrs Musquin,
we almost forgot her!

What's happening now?

Come down immediately,
l can't wait any longer!

There's a little problem...

How should l say...
Mrs Musquin needs to... weewee.

L wouldn't like to be in her shoes.

Step on the jump seat...

We'll never make it
if you don't cooperate!

L'm doing what l can,
but l have a weak back.

Hoist me up!

Please excuse me...

You're not very heavy...

but heavy enough, still.

L'll fetch a ladder.

There's no need.

Don't argue,
pull me up!

L'm pulling!


You bitch,
you weigh a ton!

Hang on!

L'm slipping...

l'm gonna fall!

Send that elevator back!

L didn't do anything!

Shut your trap!
God, this is the end...

l'm getting cramps...
l'm slipping...

Hold me, Pierre, hold me!

Stop at the 4th floor!

For God's sake,
don't go any further!

Pierre, do something...

Get back here,

Stop the elevator...

Do something...

Stop this elevator!

Press the button,
stop it...

This is horrible...
You're going to be crushed.

Press the button...

Anybody there?

This is it!

The red button!


We're going to be impaled,
it's awful...

Move or he'll get you.

Are you hurt?

Open that door!

- It's over now.
- Let go.

L must go to the girls' room.

Let me get out first.

Open or l'll smash it down!

Hey, you're hurting me!

L can't wait.

Hold on, l'll help you.

L'll smash the fuckin' door down!
Open up!

Go away, you asshole!

L'm gonna bust
that sonovabitch down!

Clear the way!

- Open this door now.
- You hear, Josette?

Open it!

L got a better idea...

Are you crazy or what?

Get back, you prick!

Come home right now.

Go jerk yourself off,
l ain't comin'.

You got to fix Christmas chow.

- What's that?
- A rabbit. Quick!

- Cool it!
- You're strandlin' me!

Cut it out
or l'll strangle you.

Stop that.

You're hurting her.

You're hurting her,
you hear?

L'm just freshening her up.

It's just one of
her nervous breakdowns.

Feel better now?

She's very sensitive.

You're squeezin'
my Adumb's apple!

Felix, get out of here.

Would you be
kind enough to leave?

This is a bit embarrassing...

l'm so sorry, Mrs Musquin.

Let's make up.

That fuck face
never stops beating me.

L only thrash her
when she deserves it. But that's love!

- L never killed you, did I?
- Don't trust him!

He stuffed me
in the trash can.

Curled my hair
with a soldering iron...

That's very dangerous!

He's dangerous! Once he pawned
my TV and swallowed the ticket!

This is not the Salvation Army.

These are only lovers' quarrels.
Never argue with your wife?

- Never with a soldering iron!
- No toolbox, huh?

She doesn't want
to see you anymore.

Only this morning,
we were in each other's arms.

Real lovebirds we were.

Merry Christmas!

You know
you could've hurt him?

Tough shit!

After what l've seen,
you deserve no mercy.

You hooligan!

Quiet everybody.
Therese, a towel!

Violence is no solution.
This isn't the jungle.

Let's carry him
down to the drugstore.

Two eggs are fine.
L hate dessert anyway.

l'm leaving right away.

What now?

We know you're late but...

We have to take him
down to the drugstore.

Only 5 minutes.
And no longer.

Call the cops.
Can't you see he's faking?

What if he faked death for real?

Hey, the painting!

Are you leaving, Mrs Therese?


This man has been hit with an iron.
He needs care.

Pity, because if you like
"dubbiccu", you must like "klug".

It's so sweet...

l'll call the cops,
they'll show him!

Lf you keep on moving,
how can l fuck your ass?

- What?
- You're not Therese?

You're new?
What's your name?


Fuck you, Josettel

Screw you, fuck you,
you cocksuckerl

Listen to this prick!

Go fuck your own
shitty asshole, motherfucker!

Listen to those cops!

Leave it to me.

L'm sorry, the person you were
talking to doesn't work for SOS.

SOS my ass, you old hagl

l'll burst
your asshole cuntfacel

l've never heard these expressions.
Jesus, they're so poetic!

Please keep on insulting me.
We're at your service.

Run dry already?

You stopped at "cuntface",
l believe.

What comes after that?

That's how we calm them down.

Now l'll collect
what's left of my gifts.

And you, do not touch that phone!

Say, your "klug" is quite heavy.

L wonder if Santa Claus is as heavy.

L think my brain is rattling.
Put me down.

L'll never make it to the drugstore.

My legs feel like Q-tips...

What's going on now?

Oh no! Not again!
This is getting ridiculous!

L'm going to get upset.

This is too much!

Who's been playing
with the button this time?

Whose idea?

Not the Holy Ghost's,
l'm sure.


L'm coming, Bijou...

We're so sorry...

l have a table waiting
at Castel's, let's be quick.

Leave those diapers alone.

L'm sorry to cause you
all this trouble.

You're such a good man...

Make it easy for me,
friend, stop moving.

L'm so tactless with Josette.

You said it!

Lt'll be over in a minute.

L'm coming...

You'll soon be alright.

Anybody there?

L can see you, you know...

If you think you can scare me...
Turn on the light!

L'll get mad pretty soon.

Is this SOS Friendship?

Those taxi drivers are all drunkards.

They wouldn't take me.

To top it off, l broke my heel.

What an evening!

Oh, shit!

This is not a hospital.

It was dark,
and that fuckin' night watchman...

took me for a thief, shot at me.

the bullet went through a chunk
of beef before it hit my hand.

Yet it cut a tendon, see?

Lt must hurt!

You don't say!

The doc was a jerk.
L never fully recovered.

Ain't got no strength
in my fingers.

It ruined my life.

And l tried to get
a pension from the Army.

L even tried to kill myself

at the hospital,

just to spite 'em.

L slashed my wrists
with a big syringe.

They gave me 15 days in jail...

for dirtying the sheets.

L never have any luck, you know.

And if Chouchou leaves me,
l'm finished.

We understand, Felix,
but Mr Poinsot is in a hurry.

Bijou's waiting.

So please go home,
and leave Josette alone, alright?

Got some money?

No shit, it's for a drink.

- Enough with the wine.
- But l'm thirsty!

Tell her
l'll be waiting at home.

If she don't come by 8 PM,
l'll drown myself.

- How much do we owe you?
- Nothing at all.

Thank you.
Let's go now.

L'll kill myself!

What's all this grease
on my jacket?

Where did you get those stains?

Please ex... confuse me...

Do you think l can go
to Castel's like this?

Are you crazy, Felix?

But what is this substance?

But it's...
it's shit!

No, it's "klug".

Stand back
or l'll swallow 'em all!

Drop it at once!

Watch out!

Claim forms
are too much for me.

Got any kids?

Unfortunately no.


- L'm afraid not.
- It'll come, don't worry.

There's a lid to every jar.

Now, 25308...
l don't get it.

They're all the same.

They give you a number
that doesn't fit in.

Look for yourself.

What did you do?

There's no room for the answers.

"Do you hold a position?"


You have to answer "yes" or "no".
"Depends" is too long.

That's what l've been
tellin' you for an hour...

Smart ass!

"Zizette X"?
What does it mean?

No, "Zezette X"!

Can't you read?

"Married women or widows
must indicate their maiden name...

"followed by - colon -
Mrs X or Y."

So l chose "X".

Ls "X" your married name?

L can't tell 'em
l got no husband, it looks bad.

Husband's profession?

Anything's better than nothing.
Put what you want.

Garbage collector?

You're crazy or what?
He hates collections!

Let's put something else.
Lemme see...

- How about "officiant"?
- Sorry?

Working in offices...

You mean clerk?

Come on,
clerks work in churches!

What a blockhead!

Don't be rude!
Us women in despair...

must stick together.

You crossed out everything!
You messed it all up!

You shitbag!

- What did that freak say?
- Ugly cow!

See that form, you bitch?

She almost broke my foot!

You vicious slut!

Shit, the fuse's melted!

What's going on?

Lt's foul!

Lt's filthy!

Where's Therese?

Inside, with Felix.
Don't go in, he tried to kill himself!


He gobbled up 3 bottles of pills
and 2 quarts of shampoo...

Now, he can't stop throwing up.

He's faking!

The apothecary thinks
he's out of danger.

Go back to the office,
think of your baby.

L won't go back up there.
By the way, your friend...

is stuck in the elevator again,
screaming her head off.

It's becoming a habit...

A very rude man called...
He wanted to fuck Therese in the ass...

He's a friend...

Oh, okay.

Fuck who? Where?

She must've fiddled
with the wires...

Keep calm...

- Do you feel alright?
- No worse!

You could've died!

What happened, Marie-Ange?

Not much.
L touched two wires and saw stars!

High voltage's no joke.

Watch out!

L'm alright.
L'm not a baby, you know.

Be careful anyway.

This time they're waiting for me.
L'm leaving.

Mrs Musquin...

this goes to the basement.

You're right...

Now, off to Creteil!

Merry Christmas, Pierre...
To Creteil!

L'll fix the fuses.

L see, l see...

Anybody there?

L've been waiting for you
for 15 minutes. L was about to leave.

Waiting for me?

Wasn't that you on the phone?

Oh, l see...
l'll go get a candle.

Please do.

L see, l see...

So you were the one who called?
L see, l see...

l see.
L'm the lucky one.

Come on, move it.
There's nothing to see...

Poor Santa Claus!

L hit him because he was
becoming violent again.

As soon as he came to,
he went for the girl's throat.

So l stepped forward to protect Josette,
and l got the full blow!

L let her do it.
For the baby, see?

L tripped him into the baby-food jars.
He threw a scale at me!

So l got mean...

You feel embarrassed?

My voice must have misled you.

Seldom does a voice match
the way one looks. Take Kissinger...

l see, l see...

l sound like nobody,
l look like nobody, l am nobody!

So you're personally
acquainted with Kissinger?

L was introduced to him once
in a night club on the Riviera.

L happened to be
with my mom and dad...

We'd had a terrible dinner,
and were dreaming of a gazpacho...

You know, with red beans...

l see, l see...
Chili, you mean.

Oh, not again!

Right. Chili con carne...

So we ended up
in a private club, Dandy's.

- Dandy's?
- Ever been there?

No, never, really.

Actually, it's overrated.

The DJ was my mother's
colleague's nephew.

So terribly vulgar!

Why am l telling you all this?
You don't give a shit, do you?

L'm captivated!

L love this candle...

It's in case the fuses...

l can read your mind...

l'm not funny,
my stories are boring.

On the contrary,
they're great.

Frankly, you depicted
the scene with gusto!

With whom?

Nobody... gusto!
A figure of speech...

That's what l said.
L tried to be funny, and it flopped.

With Gusto...
Yes, witty, brilliant!

Too late.

Same thing with my dancing...

l love dancing,
but nobody'll dance with me.

They say
my feet are too large.

So l'm used to dancing alone.

What a shame, what a waste!

Let me tell you something...

before you leave,
l want to give you some advice.

L'm a terrible dancer,
but l never miss a chance...

to enjoy myself.
Do you want to know why?

Because l don't care
what people say.

And you should do the same!
That's the only way!

Wouldn't you be
embarrassed to dance with me?

Not at all!

Not at all!
Why should I?

Got any records here?

There's only a small record-player.
Works on batteries.

There should be no violence
at Christmas time.

Why can't people call a truce?
Even wars stop for Christmas.

- Truce! Truce!
- Let's hurry up.

Pierre's alone up there.

It was already
so kind of him to come.

And with such a nice gift!
And l only cause him trouble.

L'm not blaming you,
but see what a Christmas we're having!

Damn right.
That Santa Claus is a shit!

Know what? Let's get Pierre
some oysters. He's very fond of them.

A basket of oysters, please...

And white wine.

Say, aren't you a bit soft on him?
Got the hots?

What are you talking about?

L can feel it when people are in love.
Makes me laugh.

You're wrong! Of course,
working together creates a climate...

of mutual respect and affection.

Think he's got a big one?

A big what?

A big dick!

Josette, this is not a subject
we can discuss in public...

It's tiny then...

Certainly not!
L'm sure it's average...

But what am l saying?

Alright, let's go now.

Can l have the oysters?

Put it on your tab, Mrs SOS?

Felix has got an enormous dick!

All we have is holy music.

And that...

You'll like it.

Nice and soft...

Quite good.

- Like this kind of music?
- Nice voice.

You can be a good singer
but a poor dancer...

Stop it!

You're tickling me.

Don't take it badly, but l'm a real
case of nerves, even with wom...

l mean, l'm ticklish.

Must be strange,
our dancing here...

in this bleak office.

Not again...
Thank God we have the candle!

Dancing with me
embarrasses you.

Not at all!
L'm used...

to all kinds of people.
Even communists!

L'm done for!

Now the cab-fare on top...

Admission costs 37 francs.
74 for two.

Hey, what a sum!

And it's hot inside,
so you drink. Got the picture?

You dance for 5 minutes,
have another drink...

and it's 160 francs!
They got it down pat.

And if you go with two friends...

it gets even more expensive.

It'll cost you
the skin off your back...

A cool place
is better for dancing...

because people perspire...
they sweat...

l'm sure you had
Felix put to sleep,

like they did with Lupus.

Lupus, my brother's dog...

They gave him a shot.
He turned mean.

It was only tranquilizers,
just to keep him quiet.

He'll sleep 24 hours...

and in the morning,
he'll be good as new.

Don't pretend to be
dumber than you are!

Lt's happened.
She's up there!

His broad! He dared
bring her to the office!

They're dancing
cheek to cheek!


Flabbergasted, huh?

L didn't want to make a fuss
because this is Christmas...

but l'll report him!

Didn't l tell you,
lateness means deception!

Or a pregnancy at home!

What's wrong,
are you nervous?

Did l step on your toes?

You faggot, never mind my feet!
Lt's your vice l mind!

Well yes...


l don't know
what came over me.

L was beside myself.

You think l'm sick,
l have no right to be different!

Lt's not that.

L've been trapped once more.

Thanks for the help!

Where is your sense of humor?

Was anybody here with you?

Who? With me? No!

L thought l saw someone...

l see, l see...

Lupus had been kicked
out of the police force.

He was so dumb...

he hated uniforms.

When my brother went back...

to his job
as a porter at the station,

Lupus didn't recognize him...
tore a chunk of meat out of him.

Will you stop!

Wait until you hit bottom.

Then, with one kick,
you're back up into fresh air.

It's an image, of course.

Don't be upset.

With oysters,
Muscadet's better than Gewurtz...

l find it alright.

Yes, quite.

L'll go.

She's not perfect...

Hi! Ls Pierre still here?

The fag lost his lighter.

Could you call back later, please?

Want to see me dead?

Don't do that, l'm with you.

It's not here.
L don't understand...

Must've lost it while dancing...

So you danced, huh?

There it is!

Life isn't all black...

Thanks for the ride!

- There are shades of gray...
- Don't shout at mel

Sorry, but your friend
is crying back there.

He's not my friend, Therese!

You can pick friends
as you like...

He's right.
L'm nobody's girlfriend!

She doesn't feel well.

L'm telling you
he's not my friend!

He's a pain in the ass!

He obliged me to dance
with him in the dark.

He's an invert,
that's what he is!

An invert, you asshole!

L'm a lonesome person
who's come here...

to find some comfort.

But you're stuck so deeply
in your shitty morals...

that your heart is blind,
and your ass is blind!

There's something in progress here,
and l must...

If you're not a
six-foot-tall blond cunt,

with tits like pineapples,
you're nothing!

L may have a beard under my make-up,

but l have a right to live!

Look at her!
Threw her wig on the oysters!

This grotesqueness is grotesque!

- L'm gonna commit suicidel
- You blackmailer!

Forget your pride
and go make up with your friend.

He's not my friend!

Even if it's true, which is
quite good news for your family,

...don't overdo it.
- Let's get this clear.

You must be charitable to all.
No double standards!

Moreover, homosexuals
are just like other people.

Some of them
are even quite refined...

Take Proust or Gide...

And fuck love!

Watch out!

This cheese stinks!

Smells like a strip joint...

Are you sure
Proust was a homosexual?

L'm glad you're here,
'cause Therese is a real bore.

Into the bosom of the Lord!

Watch out, it's burning hot.
L've managed to save it.

a Christmas cake!

No, a "klug".

Dinner's over.
These people were on their way...

He'd throw us out without dessert!

L want my dessert.

Listen Pierre,
it'll only take five minutes...

There are no calls anyway.

Don't tell me
this is the same "klug"?

Slightly different.
L sealed it with "chpotzi".

How many?

Not for me, thanks.

Just a nibble, then.

Come on, let your hair down!

Hey, it just farted!

What's that foul smell?

Lt's like a stink-bomb.

L must admit
the smell is unpleasant.

It's so hot that...

the "chpotzis" have fermented.
The smell comes out...

It's a real cesspool, you mean!

Actually, l'm on a diet.
L'm afraid l can't have any.

The stronger it smells,
the better it is.

It's like cat food.
It stinks but it's so good!

Shucks! L've broken the knife.

It's soft on the outside,
but stone-hard inside...

It didn't have time to harden.
It's too hot.

Would need another 5 minutes
in the icebox.

Right! Do you know what?

Take it home, eat it up,
and bring it back afterwards.

The icebox doesn't work here.

But Pierre,
the icebox does work!

Lt doesn't, Therese!

Why can't we be nice
to him for a change?

Perhaps on the balcony...

The balcony... Brilliant!

In this cold wind,
it'll cool down in no time.

Let's have some air here.

Be sure it don't fly away.

Do you think l'm an idiot?

L'm afraid it slipped...

- Is there a snag, Pierre?
- It flew away!

Here, Mr. Preskovitch...

Better clean it up
before a dog sniffs it and gets sick.

L mean...
walks over the glass splinters.

L'd better leave my card
on the windshield.

Go ahead. Don't act like
those vandals who vanish into the dark.

L'll be back in a minute.

Take your time, Presko.
No rush. Bye now.

Is Paul-André here?
No problem, l can wait.

Make yourself at home!

L can't call back.
L'd rather wait...

Mr Pierre,
can l ask you something?

What now, Josette?

Can l keep the oyster shells?
For ashtrays...

Please do. Of course.

My personal Christmas gift to you!

Mean it, Mr Pierre?

Wow! Terrific!

My pleasure. It'll save me
a trip to the garbage can.

Let's kiss.


Merry Christmas, darling!

Guess who?


Your little birdie...

Come on,
it hasn't been that long!

L just got
a chance to call you...

From someone's house.

What are you doing?

Pierre gave 'em to me.

It's disgusting!

What are you up to?
Throw them out immediately.

Take the basket, too.
It'll make a nice bag.

You see?

- But Pierre!
- Why, she likes them!

How's the weather?

Palm trees, here in Paris?

L'm white as a sheet these days.

L'd come right away
if l could...

Nobody's holding you back!

Hey, do you know
how much the ticket is?

L'm afraid
he's calling long-distance...

He's eating lunch!
But what time is it there?

Lt's 2 AM here.

Where's that?


Are you crazy?

Have l no right to use the phone
if l'm desperate?

Calling long-distance
is the way you thank us?

Enough with Preskovitch!

He's back with the bucket.

And you...

out with you!

L'm going... l'm going!

Come, Chouchou.

L'll never come with you!

Felix, this is grotesque.
Drop this toy.

Better watch out.
It ain't no toy!

Mr Santa Claus,
l have nothing to do with this.

L'm only a customer,
l just happened to drop by...

And l'm leaving now.

Stay put, Miss Universe!

Come along,
or the next one's for you.

Better dead than with you!

Cut the crap.
Or the hag gets it!

Hey, hold it!

What the hell am l doing
in this madhouse?

Why not take another woman?

L don't mean me, but...
take Therese!

L want Chouchou,
not the donkey.

Hey, Therese is no donkey!

She isn't exactly
a classic beauty...

She's smart, too.
She studied social workage.

Sit down, old fart!

Now, no more retail,
only wholesale deals!

Come on
or l'll bump off everybody.

Go ahead, l don't give a shit!

Please make an effort,
or we'll never see the end of this.

L'm sure Felix can be nice...

If you don't want to do it
for yourself, think of us!

There's a time for everything...

Now you have to face up
to your responsibilities.

Go on, get out.

L can see right through you...

You're trying to get rid of me.
Thanks a lot!

Never count on them.
The rats are abandoning ship.

You're the only good one here.

You won't dare shoot
a pregnant woman, will you?

Move your ass!

You'll never have the balls.
You know why?

Because the streets are filled...

with people like you,
ugly but good.

Give me that gun
and we'll forget all about it.

You're not a shit, are you?

Let go, you whore!

My foot, my foot!

You're really a shit, Felix.

Of course
they'll blame me for it...

It just went off...

It's terrible, l'm bleeding!

L've had it. L'm dead!

Call my mom, 745.09.50, please.

- Amputation doesn't hurt...
- l have to estimate the damage...

Hands off!
Call a doctor...

Leave it to me.

It's only a scratch, sissy.

Stop aiming at me!

Yes, enough with this.
L'll put it in my drawer.

Better empty the magazine!

Stop that!

Gimme it!

- Stand back!
- Give it to me, Chouchou.

What was that?

L don't know...

He won't hurt anybody

Give that to me!

The repairman for the elevator...
We'd forgotten him...

Who cares?
The elevator's fixed anyway.

SOS again...
l should've known!

Stop that racket,
my wife can't sleep.

- Another fire-cracker, l come up!
- No need!

Lt's over.

What's happening now?

Lt's those despair people again!

What's the matter?

Answer me!

L hope you didn't kill them all!

- Josette...
- No way!

What, no way?

Come here.
L'm having a rough time...

Therese, this is a disaster.

L'm going to call the police.

That would be a disaster.
There's nothing they can do for him.

And think of the trouble
you'd cause Josette...

l didn't mean to do it.
You're not gonna rat on me?

Quick, l'm bleeding to death!

Pierre, he's dead...

It happens...

You have dialed the police...

Hold the line...

l can't breathe...

l'm choking...
l'm sweating all over...

l'm cold, l'm hot,
l think l'm going to faint...

Keep calm...
This is a disaster...

Just one of her breakdowns.
Put her head in water!

Don't drown her in the toilet,

like they do with kittens.

Don't worry.

L've stopped the hemorrhage...

Cotton, quick!

Wait, he's busy with Therese.

All l want is cotton.

L'm not asking for the moon.

Calm down...

It stings...
My foot's all dead.

L'm sure to catch gangrene.


Say, you ain't gonna rat on me?

Or the baby'll come
into this world behind bars.

No, your baby'll be born free.

Cotton, goddammit!

L'll get it myself
since no one cares...

Go take care of her foot. Pierre.

That's right,
the foot, too.

L'll manage.
Take care of her.

- What are you doing?
- My nose, you asshole!

You could at least be polite.

We're only trying to help.
What is he up to now?

Hold this.

Have you lost your mind?

L'm getting you
outta this shit.

- L'm gonna hide him.
- Return this body at once!

Don't you think
you've done enough?

We could slip him
under a car...

It's all your fault.
You can't pull out now.

L was only trying to help.

Don't touch anything!

First, the living...
then the dead...

You knew l was behind that door!

L hate you.
Piss on you!

- What's the problem?
- You ruined my face!

Lt's swollen,
it's twice as big now.

L'm going to clean the wound.
It may hurt a bit.

It does hurt, doesn't it?
Lt's unbearable...

You're a sadist!
You love seeing people suffer...

But you have nothing,
it's only a scratch.

It's terribly painful...

Enough with your comments.
Dress the wound.

Have you had a tetanus shot?

L've had all my shots.

L'll never forget this place.

Never came closer to death.

Still you're lucky...

You call this luck?

A bullet in my foot...
Could it be much worse?

He didn't feel a thing.
A beautiful death indeed.

Some illnesses drag on
for 15 years or more...

Maybe we did him a favor...

You're shaking like a leaf...

In the kitchen cupboard...

Near the sink...

You'll find a bottle...

Pour me a glass...

Feel better now?

Much better. The pain's fading...
You're good with bandages.

You bet,
l took first-aid training.

Felix, open up.


Open up.
Therese needs a drink.

What d'you want?

- What's this red mess?
- Got another solution?

Don't bother,
they ain't gonna talk.

You trust those jerks?
Well, l don't.

We'll cut him into pieces
and throw 'em into the river.

- And that'll be it.
- You're so bright, Felix!

Come on.

You think
this mop works by itself?

people get carried away...

The things l said...

l don't mean them anymore.
L was upset, and...

Pierre, quick!

Wait a second...

Go ahead, big boy.

L don't feel well...

l'm cold...

Pierre, please...

But we can't, we can't...

l think l'm going to faint...

Put this on
and get out of here...

But l can't, Pierre...

l'm stiff all over.
Rub my back...

- l'm all knots. Rub harder!
- L see, l see...

- l'm feeling better already.
- You see...

Oh, your breasts!

L'm sorry l'm not up to the situation.
It feels so good...

Sure, but it's a disaster.
If the neighbors...

Yes, a disaster...

- Sure...
- Harder!

A real jackpot for rag-pickers!

L can't cut this.
Find me a hacksaw.

This isn't a bandage,
it's a vise.

Hey, please...

Excuse me, Therese,
Felix needs a hacksaw.

It's hot in here,
it's stifling...

He's gonna show her his dick!

Help me with the bandage...

It stopped the blood.

You bet, it's a real salami.
Let me try.

Be careful...

You hurt me, you idiot!

Where you been?
What did l ask you for?


Your hands...

Never mind.
Come on, you.

Hey, what about the man's tools?

- Pierre...
- Right here!

What if the phone rings?

This is a disaster...

We should
take it off the hook.

Oh yes, take it off...
If people call...

Good, it's busy...
l mean, busy... Yes, busy.

Hold him tighter!

Want me to cut my finger?

You're sawing the table, now!

How will we pack up all this?

This is too small.
Only the head fits in.

There must be
larger pots somewhere...

What's that?

A rabbit!
That takes the cake!

Here. L like this blue one.

The door, goddammit!

Watch out,
it's spilling all over!

Get me another box.

That's what l call
a disaster!

Lt don't fit.

Stuff it down!

L told you
to make smaller pieces.

Josette! L borrowed
one of your snow-boots.

It's ugly but comfortable.

Pity to waste
such beautiful paper...

Pour me a glass of red...

The door, goddammit!

Hey, you almost
crushed my fingers!

- There's nothing to see!
- L want some water...

In the bathroom.

Felix, l'm tired of this.

First, you break my foot,

now you almost break my hand.

Enough of your cruelty!

Beat it!

You'd better watch it...

l've really had enough!

Lt's busy...

We're being watched!

- They're busy.
- Busy?

They've got better things to do
than answer poor jerks.

- Have they left?
- No, they're fucking.

- How lucky.
- You're telling me!

Who was that?

None of your business.

L'm going to the cops.

L'm not gonna take any more
of your torture, you pig!

L'm sorry.
L don't know what came over me.

It's a disaster.

Never mind,
l didn't feel a thing.

A real disaster...

To think poor Josette
will be accused of the crime...

This is disastrous, Therese.

What's up?

Felix slapped her.
Now, she's takin' a nap.

We've been talking things over...

and we agreed to...

l'm not your damn servant!

Help me carry him.

This is good for you too, Felix.

Josette's baby won't come
into the world behind bars...

because l'll sacrifice myself
and say l did it.

They'll never believe
it was an accident.

L mean, considering
your social status...

If l give myself up,
they'll go easier on me.

L'll leave
my fingerprints on the gun.

Do you realize
how far l'm willing to go?

L'll tell them
l shot the poor fellow.

You tell what you want,
but it ain't no use no more.

L've made up my mind.

But... where is the body?

L think that's it.

It's all there.

Let's just
get rid of these packages.

Pardon me?

Felix sawed 'em up,

then we wrapped 'em up
in Christmas paper...

Clever, aren't we?

Indeed, Josette.

But the corpse?


Aren't you listening?

He's all cut up,
and ready to be disposed of.

But this is monstruous,
it's... horrible!

They cut the man into pieces!

What, Pierre?

Into pieces!

And packed him up!
There's an arm!

L told you he'd be angry.

This is not funny.

L cannot sacrifice myself now.
This is too much!

- L'm cold, Pierre.
- Don't start that again!

She ain't done nothin'.
Don't hit her.

L was only trying to help.

If you're not happy,
glue him back together.

Tough job,
they're all mixed up!

L'll do no such thing.

L'm going to the police.

L'll tell them everything.

They'll love it.

Me cutting him up,
and you in the next room.

Don't forget to tell 'em
what you were doing with Therese.

Yeah, they'll sure love it.

Great advert
for S-O- Fuckin' -S!

Go ahead, call the cops.

Hey, they bumped off the queen too!

What a nightmare!
This has got to end.

Call the police!

- Lay off!
- You can't stop me.

L heard fire-crackers.
L came for the party.

L don't want to intrude.
You're exchanging presents?

Hands off!

Those are not presents but...

Packages of all sizes...
that Therese and l will give away.

Yes. To people in jail.

- Let's start loading.
- It's beginning to smell.

This is not for you.
It's ours.

L thought
l'd sing some folksongs...

You'd love them.


you've been breaking
our balls for years.

Why don't you go back
to your country and get lost!

And get this finger out!

This is a disaster.

What are we going to do?

Come on,
this is for you!

Move it...

Dinner's ready!

Come on, baby...

Lemme give him a present, too.

This is a man's job.

Come and get it...

This is terrific.

They like him!

Now, to the lions...

- Are the cats finished?
- Licked their plates clean.

Maybe they want seconds?

We must be fair and square...

Go on, darlings...

Move along...

That's what l call a king!

What the hell
am l doing here?

Ah, you're awake?
Go on, blow.

What is this?
You knock me out, shoot me...

drag me to a zoo...
What did l do to you?

Blow, l said!

L think you'd better blow.

What are you up to?

Lt's Christmas at the zoo.

You're taking a big risk...

"Don't feed the animals"...
It says so right there.

Shut up or you can go tell 'em
it's not allowed.

Over to the bears now.

Give me a hand with the big one.

L see animals rate higher
than people with you!


Lf you can't beat 'em,
join 'em!

Here, honey...

Merry Christmas!

What about you baboons?

What the fuck
is he doing now?

Come with me, Therese!

L'm sick of runnin'...

Stop it!

Merry Christmas, monkeys!

Cut it out!

He's nuts!

Are you mad?

Why make exceptions?

They all deserve a gift.

They don't eat
that kind of gift!

L was dying to do that.

Merry Christmas, Felix.

What did she do?

Shit'll fly now!

We must retrieve them.

L see, l see...
Retrieve, yes.

Felix... the monkeys.

L'll take the giraffes.
L'm taller.

Am l glad to see you...

That's what you call service!

Watch out, the gray one!
Kick him...

if he gets close.

Where is Pierre?

What're you doing?

Hush! Look!
Nature at work, wonderful!

l find it embarrassing...

How can you look at this?

Remember the rabbit,
he was watching us!

Dumb ape!

L'll come back with a gun,
make a coat outta you!

And bootees for the baby.

Monkey skin's real warm.

L can't take you guys.

L still gotta redo my car.

That's not kind of you.

We'd better scatter anyway.
Let's take the bus.

Okay, bye folks.
Thanks for the evening.


And thanks for the oysters...

Therese, are you
on call for New Year's?

You mean the 31st?

Yes, indeed.
The night before the 1st.

Of course,
New Year's Eve. Yes.

Dumping old girlfriends?

Leave us alone!

Give us a break, will you?
You're like glue!

Get lost,
we've had enough of you!

- Go home!
- Go away!

Subtitles: P.J. MEMMI

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