Sandy Wexler (2017) - full transcript

Sandy Wexler (Adam Sandler) is a talent manager working in Los Angeles in the 1990s, diligently representing a group of eccentric clients on the fringes of show business. His single-minded devotion is put to the test when he falls in love with his newest client, Courtney Clarke, a tremendously talented singer whom he discovers at an amusement park. Over the course of a decade, the two of them play out a star-crossed love story.

They said he was
out the door in two weeks.

Then I hear the guy's re-upped
for five years.

The label hated it.

This castle belongs
to the Duke of Gloucester.

So I realize that was the guy who kept
angrily staring at me the whole time.

--Hey, Kevin. Hey, Lorne.

-You ready for this?
-Yeah, what's that?

Oh, oh! We're gonna do the thing. Okay.

All right, you want to start it off?

- Talk to you, or talk to the lens?
- Either way.

So, Sandy Wexler...



Where do I begin?

He may be the most unique guy I ever met.

If you were working in Los Angeles
in the '90s, any time in there,

you'd run into Sandy Wexler at some point.

Sandy was one of those
fringe Hollywood managers

that you always sort of saw around.

You know, you'd see him at a wrap party,
and he'd be laughing, stuffing his face.

You'd think,
"No one even invited this guy."

Sandy said I could be
the next Patrick Swayze.

Only thing he ever said to me
that made sense.

Sandy was not a big shot.
He was a... He was a tiny shot.

But anybody who met him,
you never forgot him.

You know, you gotta remember
there was no YouTube, there was no Vines.

And none of that...
None of the social media platforms.



You really needed a guy like Sandy
to be seen.

Not Sandy.
Not Sandy, but a guy like Sandy.

Hey, Arsenio!
Nice to see you again, kiddo.

Have I seen you before?

Yeah, it's Sandy Wexler.

I met you at Bernie's beach house,
with Doug and Danny.

You guys were playing hangman.

You were hysterical that night.
No one could figure out the word "canoe."

I have no idea
what you're talking about, man.

How you doing with your manager, kid?
Are you still fighting?

I don't have a manager, man.

Well, you do now. If you want one.

No, I'm good. I... I have an agent.

-Oh.
-As a matter of fact, I have six agents.

Got plenty of white people in my life.

-All right.
-I'm good, dawg.

An agent is business. A manager is family.

He guides you. He advises you.
He fights the good fights.

Makes the tough phone calls.

Truth is, I'm not happy unless...
unless you're happy.

So what do you say, Arsenio?
You wanna get happy together?

Continued success, Arsenio!

- Okay? Oh!

I got a hit on the hip, and it's Sinbad.

I don't think any of those people
were really beeping him.

'Cause he would just go, like,
"Oh, jeez, Mackenzie Phillips."

The one thing about Sandy is,

-he just never stopped lying.
-Always.

Managers get used to lying,
but Sandy took it to an art form.

Where am I? I'm in Joel Silver's office
right now, talking about you.

If you land on your feet--

Hey, buddy, how long are you gonna be?

Excuse me, I am talking
to Lew Wasserman's neighbor right now.

That was Janet Maslin from the Times.

Sandy's personal life?

-I know nothing. I know nothing.
-Did he have a personal life?

-He wasn't married.
-Didn't date.

It was sad. Seemed like he
didn't have any friends, right?

He had no friends.

Any good?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's great.

But he was
the king of the fake laugh

-and the applauding combo. Yeah.
-Combo. Yeah.

Next time he'll get his own ketchup.

You gotta go.

Is Mary Jo Slater
the casting agent on this?

-No. I don't know.
-Good job, guys.

I was in Nam.
But, you know, I was there in 1984,

so it was... It was a different vibe.

And then all I hear in the back is...

-He would fake laugh at funny comics.
-That melon.

It was like, "Why are you fake laughing?

- It's Eddie Murphy. He's funny."
- Right!

When it came to eating
with Sandy, he, um...

It was like a smorgasbord on his face.

I mean, he was on the Atkins diet, right?
So he always had, like, chicken...

-Kielbasa.
-T-bone steak.

-Brisket.
-Beef jerky.

I never actually ate with Sandy,
but I did hear it was kind of gross.

Can you close your mouth
just a little bit?

What did I do?

He dressed like your grandfather,

he had the table manners of a horse,
but he was a great manager.

He really cared about his clients.

He made them his family.
He was with them all the time.

And, uh, I wasn't sure
what he was doing for them,

but you could feel the love.

I spoke to Chili's. I think I can
get us the corner table there

and preorder the appetizers.

I don't give a shit
about Chili's right now.

I thought you wanted to go to Chili's.

-No, I never said that.
-You said that.

That's okay.

You're nervous.
I can see that you're sweating.

-I'm scared, Sandy.
-Yeah.

I gotta jump over ten trailers
and land on a waterbed.

Why are you laughing?

Because you're funny.
You make me laugh.

-Well, I'm not trying to be funny.
-No, it's the way you said it.

The way I said...
What are you...

Look at the size of this crowd.

You said they'd come, and they came.

Ladies and gentlemen
of El Segundo Motor Home Court,

here to defy gravity,

please let's welcome Wild Gary Roberts!

-Rodgers!
-Rodgers!

He said that. He said Rodgers.

Yeah, 'cause I told him to!

He said it the first time.

I... I wish we could...
'Cause he did say it the first time.

-Stop talking.
-All right. I will.

You get up there
and you show these people who you are.

Gary Rodgers.

It's Gary Rodgers. You said that, right?

The second time.

Yeah, but you knew it.

Okay, guys, let's do this.

What are you saying?
I don't know what you're...

What are you pointing to?
I can only go forward.

Oh, my God.

He's really gonna jump
over all those trailers?

Sir, my client is the best daredevil
trapeze artist in the world.

Thank you very much.

Let's go.

Yeah!

- What?

--Oh, shit!

- Jesus Christ!

Sandy.

-He had this one guy, Ted Rafferty...
-Oh, yeah.

...who was a, you know, puppet act.
Not that good. Like, a middle act.

He believed in him.
He thought he was the greatest.

He's like, "I'm gonna make him
the next Mr. Buttons."

So, uh, Charlie,
have you always been a puppet?

Well, I don't know.
Have you always been a parade float?

I'm just trying
to get to know you better, that's all.

Know me better?
I'm sitting on your lap.

No, but seriously,
what's it like being a puppet?

Well, I come from a long line of puppets.

My father was a puppet.
My father's father was a puppet.

Really? Was your father's father's
father a puppet?

Wait for the punch line, buddy.

Somebody call JCPenney.
One of the mannequins is on the loose.

Sir, have you ever had
a date in your life?

Actually, I have.

Your Anita Bryant poster doesn't count.

But honestly, sir,
how long have you been dead for?

Where do you come up with this stuff?
I wish you didn't.

That was hysterical.

So you caught the whole show, then?

I saw every word of it.
It was sensational.

I saw you come in late!

Nah. Nah, I was there the whole time.

Will you get a load of this bullcrap.

I was. I was.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
now, guys, guys, please.

All right. Sandy, I... I believe you.

Thank you, Ted.

And I was thinking, you'd do so well now
with the beach theater crowd.

And you've got the once a month gig
opening for Fred Travalena at the Trop.

I don't wanna lose that.

It might be time
to move on to the next level.

Kicking the piss out of you?

No. Television.

But...

I don't know the first thing
about the TV business.

That's why you got me.

-I know my way around the networks.
-Liar!

Hey, I've had a relationship
with CBS since 1965

when I was a PA on Gilligan's Island.

Now, look, kids love the puppets.
And I know there's an audience for that.

Mmm, maybe.

Well, what about this?

I know it's out of left field,
but how about a show for kids?

Yeah, I was just saying that.

So we agree.

My favorite thing about Sandy
is where he lived.

The place was a palace.

He lived
on the biggest property in Bel Air.

Yeah.

Gorgeous pool.

One of the finest collections
of luxury cars I've ever seen.

Make sure you hydrate, Yoshi!
It's a hot day!

Of course,
none of it belonged to Sandy.

It was owned by some Jewish Iranian...

The guy never even set foot
in the United States.

...who needed Sandy there
for legal reasons.

And he was not allowed in the main house.

He was in the cabana by the pool.

--No, no, no, no.

Oh, no! Oh, no, no!
No, no, no!

Stay! Stay! Stay!

I've lived here for four years already.
You should know me by now.

Get to see the face.
The king of Hollywood.

Do you understand me?

- Sandy?
- Ahh!

Oh. Hi, uh, Amy.
Hi, Donna and Kendra.

-Lola.
-Jesse.

Yeah, that's right.
Wow, they're getting sharp.

What brings you all the way out here
from Tarzana?

Well, you said you'd watch the kids
while I go on the audition.

Is that still okay?

Oh, don't be silly. Of course.
We're gonna have a good time, guys.

I have to get it, Sandy.

I'm working two jobs
just to tread water out here.

You're the quintessential American mother.
Oscar Mayer would be crazy to pass on you.

Oscar Mayer? I thought I was auditioning
to play a hooker in a Wes Craven movie.

You know what? My doctor put me
on a new thyroid medicine.

He said it might make me foggy,
and I guess he was right.

-Okay, Sandy, I'm gonna go.
-Yeah.

Girls, be nice to Mr. Wexler. Okay?

Yes, Mommy.

-Oh, we're gonna have fun, guys.
-Okay.

-Go get 'em, kid. Go get 'em.
-Okay.

Oh, there's dogs out there. They--

Hey! Hi, guys. Hi, sweet girl. Hi.

So what are you shmegegges up for?

I have the original script
of On Golden Pond.

Do you wanna read that out loud?

No?

What would you like to do?

Go swimming?

No, no, no.
That could get me kicked out of here.

I thought you were the king of Hollywood?

I never said that.

-You said it to the dogs.
-Like a minute ago.

No, I didn't.

You guys like roller coasters?

- Unbelievable.

Rifkin left Triad and he's joining forces
with Zifkin over at William Morris.

After I was promoted out of the mailroom
at MCA, I was assigned to Frank Gorshin.

And Frank Gorshin used to have me
hand-wash the Riddler costume,

because he felt washing machines
might stretch out the material.

Hey, guys, this way.
This way. Come with me.

♪ All through the wintertime ♪

♪ He hid himself away ♪

♪ Ashamed to show his face ♪

♪ Afraid of what others might say ♪

♪ All through the winter
In his lonely clump of leaves ♪

-Hey, dude, I can't see.
-What? Okay.

♪ And very soon agreed
Indeed ♪

Yes, a very fine swan indeed.

Take a look at yourself in the lake.
You'll see.

♪ I'm not such an ugly duckling ♪

♪ No feathers all stubby and brown ♪

Pitch perfect.

♪ In so many words
Say the best in town ♪

- ♪ The best ♪

- ♪ The best ♪

♪ The best in town ♪

Very nice.

Excuse me.
You were fantastic up there.

-Oh, thanks. You're sweet.
-Yeah.

It's corny, but it's fun.

Corny? That had an edge to it.
I'm Sandy Wexler.

Courtney. Nice to meet you.

I just... I couldn't keep
my eyes off you up there.

Please don't hit on me
in front of your kids. That's creepy.

-He's not our dad.
-No, I'm not.

He's the king of Hollywood.

She thinks I said that to the dogs,
but I didn't.

Listen, can we talk somewhere?
I'm a talent manager.

I kinda gotta go.
We have a show every 12 minutes.

It'll take four minutes of your time.
It'll be worth it.

...someone who advises you,
someone who guides you,

who makes the tough phone calls,
fights the big fights.

Atkins.

I mean, your voice,

it sounds like a...
a bird and an angel had a baby.

And you just so happen to be beautiful.

You can't teach beautiful.

If you could, I'd be in class right now,
believe me.

I'm telling you, you could be somebody.

Come on. If I was gonna be anybody,
I'd be her by now.

Everybody's gotta start somewhere.

Buddy Hackett was a dishwasher
in the Catskills till he was 60.

Barbra Streisand started
as a backup singer in a petting zoo.

Liza Minnelli used to sing in a coal mine.

Wasn't her mother Judy Garland?

No, that's made up.

The mightiest tornado
starts with a small breeze.

You sound like a fortune cookie.

I used to represent a guy
who wrote fortune cookies.

Get out of here.

Yeah, he wrote for Happy Days
and fortune cookies.

Let me ask you something.

Why do you do what you do?

I don't know.

The only time I really feel alive
is when I'm singing.

Well, imagine if you were singing
on stage in front of 50,000 people.

You think you'd feel alive then?

Up there singing like a bird
and an angel had a baby?

You like the bird and angel thing,
don't you?

I said that already?

-Can I ask you something?
-Please do.

Can you get any of that food
in your mouth?

So you're saying I should quit right now
and leave with you?

You're too big for this duck pond.
It's time to fly.

You like to make trouble,
don't you, Sandy?

What do you say? Wanna team up?

I'll tell you what I told Josh Gelfand
in the sixth grade

-when he asked me to the spring social.
-Uh-huh.

I'd love to,
but we gotta ask my dad first.

Ooh!

I guess I should have mentioned
my Dad's in Seward, Alaska.

Oh, that's fine. I love it there.

It's beautiful.

-Oh, you've been?
-No, I haven't been there.

-But you just said--
-No, I didn't.

I guess I should have also
mentioned the prison thing.

Are you kidding?

- I was in prison my entire childhood.

An emotional prison.
That's a life sentence, I'm telling you.

- The Yugo, imported from France.
- Isn't it from Yugoslavia?

No. "You go" to France.
"You go" and have a good time. Bonjour.

Hey, Poppy.

How you doing?

Oh, it's always a great day
when I see my little girl.

Mr. Clarke, truly a pleasure.
Sandy Wexler of Wexler Artists.

Is this the fool that want to manage you?

Um, yes, I did come up here
to talk to you about that.

And if you're available
to speak, you know, and now's the time,

I would love to have
a conversation about this.

If we could conversate, I'm here to--

What about Six Flags Magic Mountain?

I mean, she got benefits,
a paycheck every week.

That mountain is truly magical.

No, it is.

I just, with all due respect,
I think your daughter has the magic.

With her talent,
she could have a dream-come-true life.

You mean, better than all of this?

What?

Dad.

Who else have you managed?

You ever hear of Indiana Jones?

You work with Harrison Ford?

No, but I do represent the guy

who got his heart pulled out of his chest
in Temple of Doom.

I love that guy.

Everybody does.

I don't know anything
about show business, Sandy.

How do I know if I can trust you?

Because I can look you dead in the eye
and promise you this:

I will always do what's best
for your daughter.

Well, okay. In that case...

♪ You got a new manager ♪

♪ Thank you, Daddy ♪

♪ What a wonderful moment ♪

The singing is just for us.

Okay. Good. Will do...
Will never do it again.

You guys want to go out and celebrate?

I can't go nowhere.

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.
Please don't shiv me.

Shiv you? Man, I ain't no inmate. I work
here. I've got... got the night shift.

What the... What?

Got ya.

Oh! Ha!

Very good.

Darling, you should take Sandy out
for a dinner and a show, Alaskan style.

- That's amazing.
- Right?

So good.

The northern lights
and my new friend Sandy.

That's as good as it gets.

Northern lights are something else.

I was actually talking
about the burger, though.

- Is this bison, or is it moose meat?

What's making it so good?

It's a hamburger, crazy man.

-A hamburger?
-And you're missing out without the bun.

Now, the bun...

If I lose five more pounds,
it's back to the buns.

Oh, my God.

So you really think I could be somebody?

-You are going straight to the top.
-Yeah?

Up there
with all the other beautiful stars.

Show me which star I am.

-You wanna know which star you are?
-Yeah.

Let's see.

You are that one right there.

Sandy, that's an airplane.

I know. I told you, you were going places.

-That's real smooth, Sandy.
-Thank you.

You must be a real lady-killer.

Listen,

if we're gonna do business together,
we gotta have boundaries.

I'm sorry,
but I learned that the hard way.

A bad breakup?

His name was Alfred.

Oh, you're gay!

I can see that now.

No, I'm not gay as far as I know.

-Alfred was my first client.
-Mmm-hmm.

More than that.
He was... He was my best friend.

Did he die?

No, no.

He got famous, and he, uh...
and he dumped me.

That dick!

He wasn't a dick.
I was the dick. It was my fault.

I let the friendship
get in the way of the business.

Now understand it's show business,
not show friendship. Right?

That is so sad.

It's not sad. It's actually a good thing.

Because I got a stable of talent
in Hollywood

that I, quite frankly,
think is the best of the bunch.

And Eisner knows it, and Ovitch knows it.

I'm sorry,
and I don't wanna toot my own horn

'cause that's not what I like to do,
but toot-toot.

Hmm.

Best thing to me is I found you.

I'm glad you found me.

You're not as happy as I am.
Trust me.

But we gotta get to work.

Whenever Sandy signed a new client,

he had a team of support people that
immediately began making over the client.

He would just enroll everybody
in classes for the stuff they didn't do.

Movement, martial arts...

A posture person, and then a hair person.

-And no one was better off after that.
-No.

It was a train wreck.

I'm not a dancer, Sandy.

-It doesn't matter if you can't dance.
-It's all right.

-Miss Gideon is gonna teach you to move.
-I got you, sweetheart.

-It's about presence on stage.
-All right. That's enough, Sandy.

-All right. Here we go.
-It's about being comfortable.

-You know, Baryshnikov, I hear--
-Shut it, Sandy. I got her.

--Who me? Who me? Who me?

I'm a rock star. I'm a rock star.

And pass the mic. Pass the mic.
Down the mic. Down the mic.

That's it. That's it.

- That's it. Now you're in it.
- Bobby Brown.

More madness! Stomp the ant.

Seattle. Seattle.

- She doesn't know how to dance?
- You're a diva!

-This girl can do it all.
-Feel it. And stop!

Hammer time!

Wonderful.

Okay. Let's see it.

--Very good.

Very bad.

Complete shit.

You know what? I don't like the ice cream.
It's a bad idea. Looks terrible.

Now let's go sexy, huh?
Can you give me some sexy, Courtney?

Come on.
Let's put on some sexy music, Willow.

Okay. Yes. Let's shoop this shit.
Shoop it up, huh?

Let's shoop the shoop.
Show me the sexy. Come on.

Give me sexy.

Honey, think of something sexy, huh?

-Like what?
-Like moose burgers.

--And there it is. Shoot that.

Ah, Sandy likes it. No one knows why.

Put your hand on your chin.

Not like you're stroking a beard.

Like you're thinking,
thinking filthy thoughts.

Like wieners!

Ah, that's good, Willow!
Wieners is good. You're brilliant today.

Come on. Hand on chin,
thinking of wieners.

I suck at this.

-No, you don't. You're great.
-Oh, come on.

It... You just... It's easy.

Then you do it, Sandy.

-Come on. Get over here.
-No, no, no, no.

-You're a performer. I don't do that.
-Come on, Sandy.

You said it's easy.
Dream of the wieners, huh?

Come over here. Come on.

Do I wear my glasses,
or do I take them off? Or...

Nobody gives a shit. Come on.

Eh...

-You put your hand on the chin.
-Uh-huh.

You just... You think.

Huh? Just thinking.
Little more thinking over here.

Yes, that's brilliant.

Beautiful. Thank you, Sandy.
Clear out of frame.

-Get out.
-No, I'm gonna miss him.

No, you'll be fine.
Sexy will be right over here.

-Don't worry.
-I'll be there.

He's still got his hand on his chin.
He's so cute.

Ah, that's much better.

Yes, that's it.

Yes, now I see sexy.

The definition of, like, a given

is that kids wake up
and they think, "Me so horny."

And then, you know, you don't need
a song that just reinforces,

they know they're so horny.

If it was, like, "Me So Introspective"
or something like that.

Or "Me So Ambivalent" or...

Just so good.

Talk about fearless. Best in town by far.

Isn't she?

She? Who's she?

What?

-Did you call him?
-Yeah, I called him.

What'd he say?

-What'd who say?
-The guy you called.

Who did I call?

The guy from the Young Comedians Special.

Oh, yeah. No, I gotta call him.

-So you didn't call him?
-No, I called him.

No, you didn't.

I thought you called him.

Sandy, you're making
even less sense than usual.

No, I'm not.

-Something's off.
-Off how?

I don't know. Different.

Did you dye your hair or something?

I don't think so.

Maybe it's a brain tumor.

Maybe it is.

-Anyway, can we run lines?
-Yeah, that's why I'm here.

I need to know the truth,
you son of a bitch!

All right, I dyed my hair.
Just the tips. You happy?

No, the line, Sandy.

I know. I was improvising.

But you want this line? Um...

"The truth? You wouldn't know the truth
if it bit you on the--"

Bird.

We gotta find a way.
Don't you think, Sandy?

Sandy?

A way? What way?

A way to get rid of the birds.

Yeah, a bird and a baby had an angel.

Are you stoned or something?

Stoned? I don't do pot. Come on.

Well, you seem stoned out of your mind.
What's with the crazy smile?

I don't know, I'm just smiling at the fact
you might become the new Captain Kangaroo.

He's lying again.

No, I'm not. I'm not lying.

I've been thinking about how you
can work on your kid-friendly material.

Maybe go to Magic Mountain.

When you see all the children on line,
just start doing jokes for 'em.

-See if it works.
-That feels very child molestery.

He wants to ruin you. Fire him!

Fire me?
If you're firing anybody, I'd fire him.

He's useless. He does nothing.

I do everything! What do you do?

Guys, guys, guys!
Come on, we're on the same team here.

-That's what I'm trying to tell him.
-Yes.

Teammates?

Yeah, thank you.

-You took my arm! You took my arm!
-Oh, come off it. That's--

-You took my arm!
-That's not...

Thank you, Martin.

Let's find out who the judges chose
as returning champ tonight.

The judges gave Kevin Connors one star

and the champion,
Martin Lawrence, four stars!

The new champion, Martin Lawrence.

--Oh... Come on.

Wexler Artists.

- It's me.
- Hi, Kevin.

Did you know that was on?

No. I didn't know
they were gonna repeat it.

-I never want to see that again!
-Well...

I can't stop them, Kevin, legally,
'cause we signed an agreement.

It's... They own the material.

Well, she'd light up a room
in that purple one.

Sandy!

Barry Bubatzi.

Barry.

Yeah, I was
Carr D'Angelo's assistant?

-Hiccups? That's you?
-Yeah.

- Look at this. Hiccups.
- Yeah.

Bubatzi!

He... he called me Hiccups

because I had the hiccups this one time
I was on the phone with him.

Well, listen,
he didn't just have the hiccups,

- he had the hiccups.

-He wouldn't stop hiccupping.
-Yeah.

Uh, you can die from hiccups.
I was terrified.

I was actually concerned.

--It was nerve-racking. A little bit.

How's your sister?
Did she get into Penn State?

-She just graduated.
-Another successful Bubatzi.

-You see, that is why I love this guy.
-What?

He actually talked to me
when I was just an assistant.

You treated me with respect, Sandy.

-Not many people did.
-Well, of course.

-This is my girl, Mary.
-Hi.

Mary. Sandy Wexler.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

Are you...
What happened to your arm?

-Yeah, I got myself a tattoo.
-What'd you get?

Uh... it is that of a dog bite.

So how's Carr D'Angelo?

Well, he, uh... he left.
He's working for Blockbuster Video now.

Smart move.
The music business has its ups and downs,

but Blockbuster Video's here
for the long haul.

And you, what are you up to?

I left, too.

-I'm at Capitol Records now.
-Oh.

He's head of A&R.

You know how happy that makes me?

Hiccups Bubatzi goes big time.

That's just...
That's the way it should be.

You worked your ass off, kiddo.

Can I talk business for a second?
Is that all right?

I have a client that, actually,
you would love to meet--

-Tell you what...
-What?

Call my office next week. Yeah.

I mean, you sure? 'Cause I will call.

- I know.

-It was great seeing you, pal.
-It was great seeing you.

And I hope, uh,
one of those dresses works out for you.

- Oh, no, this isn't...
- Cute.

- It was... I mean...
- So good.

It's a Bubatzi world. We're all just--

Could you please
not block the whole aisle?

We're all just living in it.

I wasn't blocking the aisle.

Wow.

-Hi.
-Hey, neighbor.

Hi, Cindy!

Where's that
billionaire landlord of yours?

Is he ever going to grace us
with his presence?

What a question.

Listen, he's supposed to come out
for Rosh Hashanah,

but he said last year Purim,
so who knows?

--But anyways, how are you?

How is your husband?

Doctors say it could be any day now. Hmm.

Oh, I'm so sorry. It's just...

How are you doing?
No one ever asks how you're doing.

How you feeling?

The truth is that I'm just...

a little bit lonely.

You were together so long.
Of course you're lonely.

So if you ever see
my tennis court lights on at night...

that means that I could use some company.

-It was great to see you, Cindy.
-Bye, Sandy.

Okay, we're gonna go.
All right. Good night, now.

Good night.

Look, Gary Rodgers can't make that jump

unless you clear
every bird from the sky, Tom.

I don't know. Is there a spray for it?
Like, a... a roach spray or...

There's dogs. There's dogs.

A roach spray for birds.

Tom, I'm sorry.
That's not my job. That's your job.

That's why I'm telling you.

I'm telling ya!

Listen, don't do that to me!
I'll pull the plug on this thing!

Do you hear me?

All right. I'm sorry I got hot there,
Tom, but you weren't listening.

Okay, here's a stock tip
for you to make up for that.

Pull all your money out of Apple,

'cause no one's using
the Macintosh anymore.

Put 80% into small local bookstores,
the other 20% into Woolworth's.

- Righto.

-Look at you, Mr. Manager Man.
-You don't wanna yell at people,

but sometimes
it's the only way they can hear.

You look stunning.

Well, this yard is the most amazing yard
I've ever seen, and that pool--

The pool's off-limits. House rules.

So, Yuri stopped by my office.

Yeah, I know. He's right there.

You see him? Let's go over.

We need to find the one
that expresses the right message.

You know, "I'm fun.
I'm complicated. I'm sexy."

I'm confused. I'm crazy. I'm embarrassed.

You're beautiful is what you are.
Stop that.

--Got a hit on the hip.

This is someone I actually have to call.

Okay, I'll be back in a few seconds.

Okay, cool, we'll be in the pool.

- You stay out of the pool.

I was just kidding.

I know, and it was hysterical.

But seriously, stay out of the pool.

No, not you, Barry. Hi!

-I don't know how you do it.
-Do what?

Deal with all the crazy Sandy shit.

-Man, he's such a--
-Boner face?

-I love that.
-He's not a boner face.

-He's a badass.
-Okay.

Well, listen, this girl is one
of the best singers you'll ever see,

and the best, brightest person ever.

I'm gonna go with the one
on the top right corner.

And can you blow up... that one?

Oh, my God.

What? It's a good picture.

Sandy already asked me to do that for him.

I have some interesting news.

Capitol Records wants
to meet with you next week.

They want to hear your demo.

I don't have a demo.

That's why you have me.

♪ You make it feel like home ♪

♪ You give me butterflies, butterflies
Down to my soul ♪

♪ Butterfly, butterfly
You don't even know ♪

♪ It's you who I speak of
And you who I dream of ♪

♪ And nights when I'm all alone ♪

♪ You make it feel like home ♪

Courtney, one take. Perfection.

You nailed it. That was...

Thank you so much.

I'm gonna
play this back in here.

I can't get over what I just heard. Wow.

My God.

Play it back. I...
I don't even know what to say right now.

Uh...

There's a chance I forgot to hit record.

What do you mean
there's a chance you forgot?

-I... I was gonna hit record...
-Uh-huh.

Uh, then I forgot.

So it's more than a chance.

-You... you did forget?
-Yes.

Okay, so what do we do now?

Is it another deck you have?
Is it in the board?

No.

-So we'll have to do it again.
-Okay.

Okay? It's okay with you?

If it's okay with you to do it again.

-That's where we are right now, huh?
-Okay.

Let's just go again.

Courtney, there was an issue
on the subwoofer.

It was a bit tinny.

We adjusted that,
and we're ready for you this time.

I'm sorry. On us, not you.
Just one more time.

We're gonna keep our eyes
on the road. Okay?

You got it.

Please promise me
it's as good as your first one.

I'm... Ha!

You know... You know you can do that.
Okay. All right.

Go get 'em, kiddo.

♪ Once in a while
You find someone ♪

♪ I dream of
At nights when I'm all alone ♪

♪ You make it feel like home ♪

I am so happy we had another take,
because that just killed me.

It was so on the money.

You were hitting notes
I didn't know were invented yet.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I'm gonna take a listen.

God damn it!

I should have known
you would never press the button.

You didn't remember to put the button
on your goddamn overalls!

Is everything okay out there?

Yes, kiddo,
we are doing just fine. Um...

We need to go one last time.
There was a glitch.

There was a tremolo-treble-bass hiccup
that we have rectified,

and we're ready for ya.

Take three it is.
Three time's the charm. Ha!

-Okay, kiddo, let's hit 'em.
-Okay.

It's not rolling. It's not rolling.

Press the button!

Push it! It's spinning, right?!

♪ Butterflies, butterflies
Down to my soul ♪

♪ Butterfly, butterfly
You don't even know ♪

I mean, it's... it's like a bird
and an angel and a saxophone

-made love and had a baby.
-Oh, wow.

I'm also hearing a triangle
just between all the choruses.

How can you hear a shape?

The instrument!

Just...

♪ Butterflies ♪

♪ Butterflies ♪

And then it would be perfect.

Really? A triangle?

You don't think that will sound corny?

Way in the back. Just barely audible.

♪ You make it feel like home ♪

These guys get...

Sandy, um, my dad wanted to make sure
that I said hi to you.

-Your father, Marty?
-Yeah.

Say hi for me.
He's a good man. A smart man.

Um, he felt bad that you didn't get
into Hillcrest Country Club this year.

Oh, listen, that's not his fault. I was...
That was fine. There's other clubs.

No, actually I think
that his was the deciding vote.

No. It's a capacity thing.
It's not his fault. It's...

Let's do the meeting.

-All right. We're glad you're here.
-Okay. Good.

So anyway, now that we got
the formalities out of the way...

Everybody got their Fruitopia?
Good, good, good.

So, spoke to Barry.

And, uh, Barry wanted us
to listen to your demo,

and I gotta say, some good stuff there.

Thank you.

Just to... I mean, to me, no one's doing
what this kid is doing out there.

It's... it's not Mariah.
It's not Whitney. It's--

Well, listen, if she got the album sales
of Whitney, we'll take it.

--Oh. Well, no,

in terms of sound
and commerciability, absolutely.

It's definitely Whitney.
It's a Whitney, 100%.

-Yeah, it has potential.
-Well, hold on now.

The production quality is complete shit.

Complete shit. Terrible.

But the song has potential.
Yeah, no diggity, no doubt.

-Thank you.
-That's it.

The song is all we're worried about.

You gotta lose the corny triangle,
though, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, consider that gone.

Let me ask you something, man.
Whose insane idea was that, anyway?

Whose idea was it? Was it your idea?

No, it was that... It was the engineer's.

I gotta be honest.
It was absolutely ridiculous.

I mean, how big of an asshole
do you have to be to say,

"You know what? Let's put a...

...at the end of a ballad"?

So, ready to check out our digs?

This is Studio A.

Les Paul helped engineer it,
and Sinatra made it infamous.

I'm telling you,
this studio is all that...

and a bag of chips.

Yes.

See this star here?

This star marks the spot
with the best acoustics on the...

Sandy?

-How many of these things are there?
-We got a lot.

-Can we talk about this star for a second?
-Yeah, go ahead.

It's got the best acoustics
on the entire planet.

-You good, Sandy?
-Comfortable.

-Could I?
-Right there.

What the hell?
Why the lights out?

Electric bill?
Did you guys pay it this month?

No, he's leaning
on the light switch.

No, I'm not.

- Can you step aside, Sandy?
- Sure.

What? That wasn't me. Wasn't me.

--Let's try this again.

From the top.

Sandy, step away
from the light switch.

I did it on purpose that time.
A joke.

I can't make jokes, guys?
Come on.

Come on. If we're gonna do business,
we gotta realize it's fun, too.

Ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Sandy.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Sandy.

♪ Last night I had a dream ♪

♪ When I was 17 ♪

♪ I was in love with you ♪

♪ And you were so in love with me ♪

-Yo, man, this girl can sing.
-I told you.

♪ You got down on bended knee
Said you wanna marry me ♪

♪ Or was that just a fantasy ♪

♪ All I know is what I know ♪

♪ And when I wanna be
Is living in a dream ♪

♪ We still fall in love
Forever ♪

She got anyone?
'Cause I think she's my type.

What are you doing here?

Why are we worried
about her marital status?

Shouldn't you be preparing your rap, Mase?

We're gonna get to it.

- Old man, we're gonna get to all of it.

"Old man"? I ain't that old.

♪ Last night I had a dream
That you were here with me ♪

♪ And we were in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

♪ I love him
I need him so ♪

Come on. Come on. Come on.

♪ I'll kiss you on your neck, yes ♪

♪ Then you can say you had the best, yes ♪

♪ As I give you the game
Eyes of champagne ♪

♪ Blowin' on the jet
Call it hydroplane ♪

He doesn't have his own microphone?

No, no, check it out.

♪ Mr. DJ ♪

♪ Take me to a time when he
Was still in love with me ♪

♪ Mr. DJ ♪

♪ Please send me a dream ♪

♪ Put my finger in a ring
And gave his... ♪

Every song is incredible.
That album is gonna be massive.

So Babyface produced it?
Like the Babyface?

Like, the guy with the face of a baby?

He has a very childlike face, it's true.

It's so good for women, so strong.

It's like Emmylou Harris,
if she was raised in Neil Young's tour van

and doing blow with Iggy Pop
and Etta James in a Mississippi bayou.

Wow. Thanks, I think?

She doesn't understand how good that is?

No, I do. I'm just grateful
you all actually just listened to it.

That's what we do. It's our ritual.

Whenever anybody at Wexler Artists
completes a project,

-we gather together.
-We do?

We didn't even know
you had other clients until today.

Oh, you guys all knew about each other.

I knew you had other clients,

but you told me I was
in a different league from them.

- That's what the prick told us, too.

Sorry, we've never done the ritual before.

If it's a first time, Sandy,
how can it be a ritual?

Okay, and who is that guy?

Can we put him in a drawer or something?
That's horrifying.

Sandy, aren't you forgetting
the best part of the ritual?

-What's that, dear?
-Jumping in the pool.

-Yeah! Let's do it!
-Oh, no, no, no, no!

No, that's not part of the ritual!

No, no, no, wait!
We are not permitted in the pool! Okay?

-Firuz forbids it.
-You're not in a cult, are you, Sandy?

No, Firuz is my landlord.

He does not allow us in the pool.
It is forbidden.

No, no. All right!

Ah! Don't you come any closer, Sandy.
I'll put my whole foot in, I swear.

- No, no!

-Please don't... No!
-Ooh!

No, I am not kidding you, Courtney.
I will let you go as a client.

- I didn't wanna have to say that.
- Oh, my God.

Do not put your foot in the pool,
or the career is done.

And I'm not... I'm not messing with you.

-Oh, God.
-I don't care what you're saying.

Whoa!

Okay, you did it! You did it!
You did the foot.

You did the foot. The foot is wet.

Please come back in the house.
I'm asking nicely.

I just don't have... I can't...

I wasn't gonna go in.

I know you weren't gonna go in.

I... I can't joke, too?

-Really? "I know you won't."
-I can't joke, too.

Whoo! Cannonball!

Whoo!

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow, okay?

Maybe I'll wear you tomorrow.

And... and it's not you guys.
You're doing great.

I love you guys.
I love you guys, all right?

Good night. Good night, everybody.

Good night.

♪ Once in a while
You find someone ♪

♪ Right from the start
Your heart is done ♪

♪ Feels something like... ♪

- Sandy?
- Who's that?

Don't "who's that" me, man.

Why do you screw Firuz?

-Firuz?
-Yes.

I don't see you.
Show your face!

I'm in Tehran, you imbecile.

I tell you to stay out of my pool,
and what do you do?

You go in my pool.

Uh, nobody went in your pool.
No, no, who told you that? The dogs?

I have cameras everywhere, man.
I'm watching you all the time.

You're much better
than anything we have on Iranian TV.

I see you with bacon over the sink,

I see you fall asleep in my chair,
watching my Cinemax.

And I see your godless friends in my pool!

No, no, listen, Firuz.
Here's what happened.

There was an earthquake in Los Angeles.

So we just went in the pool
'cause it's the safest place to be.

But we didn't go all the way in.
No water was touched.

Sandy, you lie all the time, man.
It's embarrassing.

I wish I was lying. I wish I was.

And how many times are you going to
listen to that one song, my friend?

I mean, mix in a little
Miami Sound Machine or something.

It's a client of mine. Courtney Clarke.

What, you don't like it?

The song is good, and I like her, too.

You know, when she was in bathroom,
I got quite a good look at her.

- You what?
- Firuz joking.

I don't have cameras
in bathroom anymore.

I had them taken out
when you had the big hemorrhoid.

That wasn't a hemorrhoid,
that was a fissure.

But, Sandy, people in my pool,
this I do not like!

-I--
-That's strike one, Sandy!

I'm telling you--

-You don't want to get strike two.
-I... I agree.

- Goodbye from Firuz.

Bye-bye.

You know, I did tell them not to go
in the pool, and they did it anyway.

-So you admit it?
-No! I--

Strike two! Firuz knows everything.

Okay,
what are we doing today, big guy?

We going to Jerry's?
Or you want to go to Carney's?

I can go either one.

It's all good for the Atkins.
I can get a frankfurter, no bun.

-I know.
-I can get a plate of roast beef...

-or corn beef--
-Don't go over the whole menu.

I don't give a shit about your roast beef.

Stu Smiley passed on me
for the Young Comedians Special.

-That's right. He...
-I don't even believe it.

-He's a moron.
-He's not a moron.

He's a pompous know-it-all,
smarmy little Ivy League pussy.

-He went to San Diego State... actually.
-You're kidding me right now, right?

You corrected me
'cause he went to San Diego State?

No, I'm agreeing with you.

I'm saying you are too smart
and too topical to be on HBO.

They like young and stupid.

-They like cute and moronic.
-Yes.

-Nothing challenging, nothing unfamiliar.
-No.

-They want some, like, ex-Florida DJ...
-Ha!

...who's blandly handsome,

and his little gimmicks, his voice cracks
on the punch line or he's...

Pretends to be tripping
on acid the whole set.

Chinese food?

I don't want Chinese food for lunch.

All right, beef and broccoli.

This conversation goes a lot better
when it's just me talking.

-I'm not in the conversation?
-Oh, you are, but you aren't.

You can let... Blast off on me. Go ahead.
Yell at me as much as you want.

As long as you promise to bring it
on the stage with you tonight,

-and you show HBO...
-I promise.

...they don't need to discover you.

Kevin Connors will discover himself.
Thank you very much.

What does that even mean?
How do I discover myself?

Do you know how dumb that sounds?

That's one of the... Don't click.
Why're you clicking? Stop clicking!

You always click whenever
you get nervous. It's psychotic.

- Your technique...

What is that?

It's, uh... That's Courtney's song.

That's... Ask her what station it is.

What station is it?

Excuse me, miss? Oh, wow. Hi.

Oh, my God, I know you.

-She knows me.
-Hey. Yeah.

Didn't you get one star
on Star Search the other day?

- No.

This... What station are you listening to?
The number?

-What?
-The station you're listening to?

You need to enunciate.
I can't understand what you are saying.

No, no, what is the dial number?

What are you tripping about, bro?

I'm asking you
what station you're listening to!

Don't you... What are you...

Good job. You scared her off.

- Oh, come on here.

It's your Uncle Joe Benson...

- There it is. There it is!

This is Courtney's song.

What are you shocked by?
She's a great singer.

Oh, my God.

♪ And we were in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

What the hell, Sandy?

You can take care of this, right?

My Nautilus place is right here.
I'm gonna go do a circuit.

How about this song? Huh, guys?

I got Integrity No-Fault Insurance.
How about you?

The song... This song--

Ha...

Hey, hey.

You look like a star.

Thank you!

You look like Mike Tyson knocked you out.

What happened?

Oh, I ran into a moose on Melrose.

Yeah, it must have escaped
off the Paramount lot.

- This dress on you...
- I just love it.

Of course you do. It's from
your dirty magazine page, ya weirdo.

- Well, it works!

What are we doing tonight to celebrate?
You were on the radio!

Hmm. Well, Bling just called,

and Quincy Jones invited me
to his party tonight.

-Jonesy? Jonesy's having a party?
-Okay. Uh-huh.

I heard he was gonna have a...

-I just didn't know when.
-Oh.

So what?
Did you get a plus-one or...

Yes, plus-one.

- And I'm the one?
- Yeah.

You know, I met his grandmother
years ago at a Hamburger Hamlet.

She calls him Quincelius.

So every time I see him,
I say, "Hi, Quincelius."

He gives me a look like,
"How did he know?"

Okay, cool.
So should we go to the party?

You wanna go to it?
Why shouldn't... Let's pop by.

He lives in Venice, right?

Uh... no, the address is in Bel Air.

Oh, so he moved? Okay, okay, he moved.

Sandy Wexler. Wow.

They let you in this party?

Hey, Bronstein.

You heard you didn't get into
Hillcrest Country Club, right?

Yeah, I heard.

This place is incredible!

Yeah, it's nice. It's nice.

His one in Venice wasn't trying as hard.

Quincy never lived in Venice.
What you talking about, Willis?

What? No, she said he did.

-What?
-She? Oh!

I'm a huge fan. I'm Arsenio.

I know, Arsenio. Courtney.

Hey, Arsenio. Good to see you.
I'm Sandy Wexler, her manager.

You remember? We met at, uh...
at Bernie's beach house.

Your manager look like he fell down
an elevator shaft. What's up?

No, no, no. I, uh... Fender bender.
You should see the other guy.

-Oh, he got hurt?
-Who did?

-The other guy?
-What? No.

You know what?
I heard your new song, "Mr. DJ."

I love it. It's off the chain.
You've gotta come on the show and do it.

-I would love to.
-Oh, well, listen.

I got a call from Johnny Carson
today, actually.

He heard the song as well on the radio,
and he booked her on the show next week.

Carson?

Well, congratulations.

You ever need me, Stage 29.
I'll be there forever, baby.

Ah, thanks, Arsenio.
No, I didn't mean any problem--

You didn't tell me
I was doing Carson next week!

That was a negotiation ploy.
I may have overplayed my hand there.

Carson retired two years ago.

Sandy Wexler?
Somebody hide the pastrami.

Hey, thank you. Good to see you, too.

Wow. Look at all these awards he has.

You'll have more one day.

-Me?
-Yes, you.

You promise me this.

-After you win your first Grammy...
-Uh-huh.

...you go home that night,
you put your ugly duckling hat on--

I am not putting that hat on.

...to remind yourself where you come from.

-You put it on. I'm not putting it on.
-You don't wanna see me in that--

Sandy, Sandy, Sandy.

Well, who whooped your ass
and got away with it?

No, this was a high-impact
Tae Bo class I took. It's fine.

Okay.

How about our girl here
getting the radio play, huh?

Did I tell you she's a superstar or what?

Oh, yeah, she's getting some heat.

-Yeah, we'll see where it goes.
-Thanks, Bling.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Shortie Doo-Wop,
can I get two Zimas and for Sandy...

I'll take a diet ginger ale.

-Amy Baskin.
-Sandy, what are you doing here?

I was invited.
Thank you very much. Hi.

Bling, I want you to meet Amy Baskin.

To me, she is the next Grace Kelly.

-I'm trying.
-Amy? Courtney.

Remember me from the ritual pool party?

Oh, my God. I heard your song
on the radio twice today.

-Congratulations, Courtney.
-Oh, well, we got a great manager.

He told me to always sing from the heart.

And I tell this girl,
"Always act from the heart."

Hey, did we get the offer on
the Mentos commercial I was on hold for?

No, you weren't on hold for it.
What I said was,

"I called them and they put me on hold
for about 45 minutes."

But when they... they got on the phone,
they told me they passed on you.

-Well, there you go.
-No, it's good.

They said she had a great reading.

That it truly looked like
she loved the Mentos.

I'll be back with your drinks.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Yo, check it out. It's OJ Simpson,
Phil Spector and Robert Blake.

Good guys.
Call 'em the dream team.

-I'm gonna go chop it up with 'em.
-All right.

The juice is on the loose!
What's happening, killer?

So, uh, what do you think?
We've been to the party. We had fun.

-Time to go?
-I wanna see Jonesy.

-Who's Jonesy?
-Quincy?

-Oh, Quincy? You wanna see, uh...
-Yeah.

...Quincelius?

All right. Let's get that done.

-You think he's around?
-Yeah, it'll be good to see him again.

Uh, yeah, let's find him.

Okay, now, Courtney,
it's Domaines Ott Bandol Rosé.

- My favorite.
- Mmm.

What do you think?

Mmm! This is so good, Mr. Jones.

What do you think, Sandy?
You like it?

What's the matter, man?

Nothing. No, I think it's good.

It's... it's... It's just grapey.

-What do you mean "grapey"?
-Oh, I... I didn't say it was a bad thing.

Okay. I'm gonna try
to respect your opinion, brother.

Let me try another one.
I've got a '61 Château Pétrus downstairs.

Okay.

I paid eight grand for it
at the Côte de Nuits.

-Yeah, okay.
-That's too much. No.

Pretty sure this'll get your attention.

Thank you, Quincelius.

Who the hell is Quincelius?

Nobody. Come on. What are we doing here?

Thank you.

It was grapey. It was a little grapey.

-I think you offended him.
-No, I didn't.

I thought it was cool.

When he comes back,
I dare you to say you hate that one, too.

- What?

The man spent $8,000 on the wine.
He'll kill me.

Oh, we'll laugh our asses off. Come on.

-Courtney, what do you got me doing here?
-I was saving this for a special occasion.

I think this is special enough.

You'll have to let me know
what you think, baby.

Yeah. Thank you.

Very much.

What do you think, honey?

Mr. Jones, this is exquisite.

And, Sanford, you likey?

-Honestly?
-What else, man?

-It's a little nutty.
-Nutty?

For my taste.

Maybe if you put an ice cube in it...

- Oh, my goodness.
- Get out of my house!

-Now!
-Hey, hey, I didn't mean to--

- Now! Out! Out!
- I'm gonna leave.

-No, I just got to get my jacket.
-Out! Get... get out of here.

- Listen.
- Out!

Man, one of these is mine.
Is this navy or black?

I'm having a hard time seeing.
My glasses are blurry from the wine toss.

Get out!

You know what? This is probably it.
I... I'm gonna go.

-Leave!
-Courtney! Okay.

Hey. Thank you, Q-bert.
It was a great night.

- Did you see the way that was--
- You made me do that! You!

-How are we getting out?
-Are you happy?

I don't know where...
Go. Just go. Is he coming?

Courtney's first single was huge.
I remember the album was even bigger.

I heard every song
on every station of every radio.

Yay, Courtney!

Courtney blew up
to Whitney Houston-type status.

Oh, really?

-So it was crazy.
-Mariah Carey, you know...

You're nobody, and then you're somebody,
and everyone's clamoring after you.

And it's scary. It can be scary.

- Sandy...
- Courtney, what's wrong?

I think someone's outside my house.

I'm scared it's one of those freaks
that's been calling me or something.

What? Who's calling you?

I don't know.

I've been dealing with this
ever since I moved into this place.

-Are your doors locked?
-Yeah.

You stay inside. I'll be right there.

You're in trouble now, tough guy!

Look what I've been carrying
around in my backseat...

ever since I was attacked
on Ventura Place.

Huh? You like this?

You wanna... You wanna feel it?

Come out! Where are you?

- Courtney, stay in the house!

What's that?

What? You think you can hide?

Are you scared? Huh?

'Cause I'm scared, too.

I'm scared I'm gonna shatter
every bone in your face!

You're gone?

That's it. Truce.

No more.

Ow!

What you were so afraid of
was nothing but a raccoon.

No way.

I'm telling you, you'll never have to
worry about him again, though.

You didn't kill him, did you?

No. No. Uh, I...

I seen him go out into the forest again
to see his family, so...

All right? But I screamed at him.

I let him know, "Don't come back here.
You stay with the...

On your side of the fence."

Okay.

Come on in.
Let me wash those clothes.

When I used to represent Hooch
from Turner & Hooch,

I got a similar call
about a late-night trespasser.

Turned out it was Benji's trainer.

Uh, he was jealous that Hooch
was now the hottest dog in the business.

-You're making that up.
-No, no, no, I think that's true.

You're insane, Sandy.
Take off those pants.

What? What, right here?

I won't look.

Well, you'll be missing out, then.

Oh, really?

No. Maybe you should turn around.

Turning around.

I'm glad you took this place, by the way.

The real estate lady told me

that David Crosby died
three times in this house.

I'm gonna keep the beeper,
if that's all right.

Kevin Connors did a show on Brea tonight,

co-headlining with AJ Jamal.
I wanna make sure that went well.

So, pants are coming down.

Here you go.

All right. Come on.
Let's get these washed.

Sure. Hey, thanks for doing that.

You called Bling, too?

Oh, I was here anyway, Sandy.

With my pants on.

The important thing
is that Courtney feels safe.

- That's all I'm worried about.
- Hmm.

An unlisted phone number.

That's the way to go
for an artist of your stature.

I can get that done for you
tomorrow morning.

Oh, no, it's all... It's all good, Sandy.
I handled it already.

Oh, you did? Good. Good. Good for you.

Sandy, can you pass me the gravy?

Can I pass you the gravy?
Absolutely. I can pass you the gravy.

-Here. You want me to put it on for you?
-I got it.

-You got it?
-Yeah.

I was thinking we should get back
in the studio, Courtney.

Maybe noodle around with some new tunes.

With all due respect, Sandy,
I understand that,

but, uh, her existing record's
gonna be on the charts for months.

You don't want her competing
against herself now, do you?

Who else do you want her competing with?
I mean it's a win-win. To me.

I know what you mean, Sandy.

I have lots of ideas,
but I can't tomorrow.

We've got publicist meetings.

-Publicists? What... what publicists?
-Oh, yeah, just the top ones.

You know what?
I'll send you the list, actually.

You know what?
Better yet, I'll e-mail you the list.

-What is that?
-Oh, you're not familiar with e-mail?

E-mail? Of course I heard of that.
Which one are you talking about?

You got your computer, right?
And you plug that into your phone line...

...and you could send a document to
another computer clear across the country

in a matter of minutes.

Who licks the envelope? R2-D2?
I'm lost right now.

Now I think we're making
a wrong move here.

I have a publicity campaign designed
strictly for this woman right here.

You have a publicity campaign? Well,
I mean, we're... The family's all here.

We would love to hear about it.
What is it?

Well, I usually like my clients
to start slow.

Keep it simple. Don't overexpose.

- Really, Sandy?
- Yes.

Just gonna spit your chicken on my face?
That's for you.

Okay. Maybe we'll hold off
on the publicist thing.

Thank you.

But then we'll bring in one soon.

-Okay, boys?
-We'll talk about that.

Absolutely. I think that's smart.

All right. I'm gonna go check
on these jeans.

-Okay?
-Yes, my queen.

Your queen?

Sandy, you are the reason
she needs a publicist.

I'm the reason?

You know how many calls I got after
Quincy Jones threw you out of his party?

-Oh... She dared me to do it.
-What are you, 14, Sandy?

No, I'm not 14. I'm not 14 at all.

Your job is to protect her.

I protect her 24/7!

And how is that?
By screwing up her shot on Arsenio?

We got the show, didn't we?

Because I fixed it!

You fixed it. You did everything.
You invented music.

What did you do, Sandy?

Did you file the paperwork for the Grammy
nomination before the deadline?

Did you squash the story in the Enquirer

about her corrections officer father
falling asleep during a prison riot?

Did you send envelopes of cash
to the radio stations

so they could play her record?

No, you didn't do that.

You know how I know
you didn't do it, Sandy?

Because I did it. I did all those things.

And what did you do? Hmm?

You made sure Gary,
the daredevil trapeze artist,

was her opening act
at the Universal Amphitheatre.

Gary is family.

This dude shattered his pelvis
on an amplifier!

I was there. I saw.

There was blood
all over the first three rows!

-People were vomiting!
-Yeah, all right.

That doesn't really segue well

into soulful singer-songwriter now,
does it, Sandy?

She got 'em back.
She's too good to lose a crowd.

She's too good for you.

Sandy, she could have
any manager she wants.

She wants me!

And that is what's holding her back.

Look, Sandy, you did your job.

You brought her up to the big leagues.

I'm telling you. Come on!

But now you're just...
You're out of your depth.

Don't let your ego get in the way.

Can you look me in the eye and tell me
you're doing what's best for her?

- Okay.
- Ah!

Pants-Off Dance-Off
is officially canceled.

-Put these bad boys on.
-Okay.

You got the stain out?
Very nice. Look at you. Look at you.

Well, I'm beat to shit.
I'm gonna call it.

You're gonna call it?
All right. I'll walk you out, then.

Thank you for everything.
Appreciate it all.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Good night.

Thanks for scaring the stalker raccoon.

You don't have to thank me, Courtney.
That's my pleasure.

Look, Sandy...

This rock star thing is new to me.

I'm doing the best I can
to make everybody happy, you know.

You make the world happy, Courtney.
That's all you need to worry about.

Thank you, Sandy.

That's why it's difficult
for me to tell you this.

But where you are right now
in your career,

and what it requires of my time, it's...

I'm being kind of forced here
to make sacrifices that,

with good conscience,
I don't really wanna make.

Like what?

Like my stable of talent.

I can't give them what I believe
each and every one of them deserves

if I'm worried about all the complexities
of your day-to-day.

It's a lot, kid. I'm sorry.

So what? You don't want
to work together anymore?

Well, it's just the current situation
isn't fair to you, either.

I can't commit to you 100%
if I got other things on my mind,

which unfortunately I do.
The stable.

Sandy, let's not do this right now.

Let's take a minute and think it over.

I don't need a minute.

I promised your dad
I'd always do what's best for you.

This is best.

So that's it?

You ever need me, just beep.

Sandy.

Beep.

You're gonna be all right, Courtney.

You're gonna be a legend.

Brightest star out there.

Legend has it he stayed in that car
and cried for... six hours?

Someone called child services 'cause
they thought a little girl was in trouble.

-Yeah.
-In a car.

I mean, not that anybody has a good cry,

but his cry sounded
like some kind of, like,

lonesome moose.

Whatever the amount of time was
that he cried,

he broke his own rules.
He just got too close.

It was Alfred all over again.

That was a tough time...

'cause Sandy not only lost
his most talented client ever,

but he also lost this person
he had feelings for.

It must've been
especially painful for Sandy,

because Courtney Clarke was everywhere.

Whoo!

Gary Rodgers, ladies and gentlemen.

♪ There's something
In the way that you smile ♪

♪ There's something
In the way that you talk to me ♪

♪ The way that you look at me
Boy, I can't see anything... ♪

Yo, man, your girl blew up.
She the shit now.

-Congratulations, Sandy.
-Yeah.

Yeah, she's doing great. Uh...

We're not working together
anymore, though.

Oh. Now that makes sense.

Later, dawg.

Yeah. That makes sense.

It makes sense if I kill you, Arsenio.

That would make sense.

♪ I know it is destiny ♪

♪ Hot summer nights, lovers ♪

Get out of town with that.

♪ Samba dancing with
Fire in their eyes burning ♪

Come on.

♪ Hearts on full with desire ♪

♪ Wanting you, wanting me ♪

♪ Gonna make you wanna fall in love
Love, love, love ♪

♪ Yeah, I think I'm gonna fall in love ♪

Oh, jeez, you're going for this?
Give me a break here.

♪ Samba dancing with
Fire in their eyes burning ♪

♪ Hearts on full with desire... ♪

All right. That's enough.

Come on, already.

What have we got here?

Sandy!

I was scared you wouldn't come.

Hey. Where's Peter? Is he doing PT?

Sandy, why don't you
take off your shoes?

Take off my... Oh, for your rug?

You know, my shoes are actually cleaner

- than my socks, but...

And here we are.

-Hey, hey.
-And here's your throne.

Why don't you sit down, Sandy?

-Hey.
-What would you like to drink?

You know, I got a bit of a sour stomach.

If you got Dr. Brown's black cherry diet,
that would be perfect.

Or a big glass of whiskey.
Either way is...

Oh, look.

Ah.

Did you ever see
that naughty little movie, 9½ Weeks?

No, I didn't.

I saw Problem Child, though.
That kid was hysterical.

Well, not as funny as that.
Look at you.

-Peter's been sick for a long time.
-Yeah.

And a woman yearns for a man's touch.

Hey, no, that's natural.

Are you a man, Sandy?

I don't know. I...

I was bar mitzvahed,
but that was a long time ago.

-You know what I love about you?
-Yeah?

- Your voice.

Come on. I've got a surprise.

-Come along.
-Hey, what's this?

- Just sit here. Now, sit.
- Oh! Oh, yeah.

Aye, aye, aye! Yeah!

Touch me, Sandy. Touch me.

Well, I... I was just walking
on the carpet in my socks.

-I don't wanna zap you.
-Oh. You can zap me. Just zap me.

Cindy!

Don't worry about Peter.
He only wants my happiness.

Yeah.

I can't do it. I can't.

-I'd feel better if we--
-Don't, Sandy, please.

-Don't leave. Stay here.
-Oh...

We... we could put a blanket
over his head.

- That's... that's actually a thought.

No. He says no. He said... I'm sorry.

I consider Peter a friend,

whether he's alive or dead
or in a vegetative state.

Thanks for the offer, okay?

I got the shock! I knew I... The socks.

Pervert.

- Cindy!
- Cindy!

Madonna!

Melissa!

- Wrapping up the CDs.

- Doing too good a job. I feel that...

Just... a little bit overzealous
with the wrapping is my feeling.

- What is the security on this thing?

It's a $12 item.

They got it wrapped up
like the Hope Diamond.

It's impossible
that they have cellophane...

What are you doing? You look gloomy.
Reiser's killing out there. Come on.

You're like a monkey with a coconut.
You're just looking at it...

He's killing the jokes that I wrote.
It should be me up there killing it.

Next year, it will be.
CBS sees your jokes work now.

Next year, you'll be telling those jokes,
'cause you wrote 'em.

You want me to do the jokes
he's telling right now

on next year's Grammys?

But you do 'em in your voice.

But the punch lines are the same.
People have heard them already.

You do new punch lines.

So then they're new...
They're new jokes.

No, but you're doing 'em in your voice.

I wanna strangle you.

-Don't say "your voice" again.
-What are you...

I'm gonna kill you
if you say "in my voice."

-Would you stop? I can't ever--
-Sandy?

Courtney.

Look at you!

-Hey! Hey.
-Hey! Oh.

You, uh, remember my, uh,
client Paul Reiser?

-Kevin Connors.
-Kevin!

They should have had you host this show.

Paul Reiser is usually funny,
but his jokes tonight are just corny.

-You still doing Atkins? I see.
-Atkins.

-You look great!
-Thank you. Well, my God.

-I look good? Look at you.
-You look so good!

I have been following you.
You are doing so well.

The Grammy tonight. Did I tell you
when that was gonna happen, huh?

You deserve it all. You really do.

You deserve it, too.
I wouldn't be here without you.

Are you kidding me?
You cannot stop a shooting star.

-Aw.
-Our scientists have proven this.

You are unbelievable, Sandy.

How's Bling? Where is he?

Yeah, he's my label guy.
He's not my guy-guy anymore.

-Well, I'm so sorry. That's--
-Don't be.

Things happen for a reason.

I scored us each a goodie bag, my sweet.

-Hi, cuteness.
-Can I keep your PlayStation?

Yes.

Guys, this is my new boyfriend, Ra...
Say it for me, babe.

Ramiro Alejandro.

- Sandy Wexler.
- Nice to meet you, Ramir...

-Ramiro Alejandro.
-I know.

Oh, is this the old Make-A-Wish guy
you were telling me about?

No. No, we used to work together.

Hey, you wanna come to Clive Davis'
after-party? You could ride with us.

I, uh, would love to.

- I, uh, have to go somewhere.
- Aw.

A client of mine... Amy Baskin.
You... you remember Amy.

Yeah!

Yes, well, she got the lead in
Sound of Music at the Pasadena Playhouse.

- She'll be Partygoer Number One.
- Yeah, that's the lead.

It is. She's... she's the lead partygoer.

Let's get together real soon, Sandy.
Promise me.

-I promise. You promise me this.
-Of course. What?

-After Clive's party...
-Mmm-hmm.

-...you put on the ugly duckling hat...
-Oh, gosh.

...and you remind yourself
where you came from.

Not on this hair.

- Like we... Nope, not on your hair.
- Courtney...

-You promise?
-...we have to go.

-I promise. Okay.
-I gotta see you. Okay.

Good to see you, babe.

Nice meeting you, Sammy!
Hope they find a cure for you, buddy.

Buddy, move. Move!

-Get out the way!
-Which way are you moving?

-Okay, go!
-Sandy, move! Sandy!

That was another tough goodbye for Sandy.

He... he didn't even know if he
would ever see or talk to Courtney again.

Of course he kept himself busy.

He actually signed someone

who was involved in the biggest form
of entertainment in the '90s.

Wrestling. Professional wrestling.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Go to sleep, baby!
It's night-night time!

- You're the man, Bedtime.
- Isn't he?

Oh, I know you're gonna
take the title on Sunday.

- I'm gonna make 'em go night-night.

-Thank you.
-I'm gonna lose.

You don't know that. Hang on, please.

Yeah, I do know that. I got the script.

Tsunami sits on my face until I tap out.
I'm never gonna be the champ.

Okay, look.

The good thing is, you're gonna have
a grown man sit on your face

and the entire world is gonna be watching.
That's a positive.

-That's not a positive.
-It's a positive because it's...

-The fame factor.
-What?

Hey, Bedtime. Will you rock me like a baby
while my brother Dicky gets a picture?

-What are you, six?
-Yeah, of course he will.

-Of course he will do it.
-Do you see the size of this guy?

Just get on it.

Oh. Hang on, guys.
My cellular device is ringing.

And I hit this, and I pull this.

Wexler Artists.

Mr. Wexler, it is Chippy from Dan Tana's.

Chippy! Hey! How's it going?
How was your vacation to Cincinnati?

It was, uh, not a vacation.
My mother died.

I went to Cincinnati for the funeral.

Oh, yeah. That's right. How's your mother?

What are you calling for?

We have a delicate situation with a client
of yours who has had too much to drink.

And unfortunately,
there are very many paparazzi out front.

Oh, boy. Was it Gary or Kevin?

Yeah, I chased him
for six or seven blocks.

Just come on. Get a life, guys. Jeez.

-Bring me to the package.
-This way.

Courtney?

What the... What's going on, kiddo?

Sandy! They found you!

Yeah, they found me.

You just stay put, okay?
You stay right there.

Aw, Sandy to the rescue.

No one can find out about this.
You understand me, Chippy? Not even you.

Okay, Sandy.

- Okay.
- Sandy!

What? She'll suffocate?
Is that what you're saying?

Courtney! Courtney! Courtney!

Go jump in a lake, fellas!

Ah! No, no, no, no! Oh, come on!
Oh, please, please, please.

Keep your voices down. Let her sleep.

That's right. Just sleep. Sleep, sleep.

Let me get this up for you.

And you... you're breathing.

Are you breathing?

Yeah, there it is. Okay.

You'll be all right.

I'm telling you, he's the best
ventriloquist in the business. He...

You don't see him talking?

No, you see his lips move slightly,
but that's not the important thing.

The important thing
is what the guy is saying.

No one looks at the lips
if they're laughing, then...

No, kids love him.

That's why I'm bringing it up
to you. The kids will love this guy.

He's got curly hair,
and... and he's got the mustache.

I'm sorry.

-Linda, I'm... I'm just asking if you...
-Do you want some breakfast?

-Sandy...
-If you could just

put a good word in for me. That's it.

Maybe put his headshot on his desk.

-I really wish I could, Sandy.
-Hey, just meat, right?

Oh, yeah. Hold on. Just meat.

Just meet with him.

That's all I'm asking you to do.
Just meet with him.

All right, Sandy.

Thank you, Linda! Thank you!

Happy birthday on Wednesday.

-How did you know that?
-Yeah, 'cause I know.

'Cause I know. I know everything.

How good is this? Phenomenal.

No one knows
how to cook health food like...

You're fantastic. You can do it all.

I owe you for last night.
I'm embarrassed.

Hey, everybody gets zonked
once in a while.

The question is, why are we doing it?

I don't know. I...

I just broke up with Billy.

Billy? Who's Billy?
What happened to the Marc Anthony fella?

Marc Anthony? Come on, Sandy.

Pick up a People magazine
every once in a while.

That was three boyfriends ago.

Oh, hey, I gotta start writing
some of these names down.

I'm getting lost.
I'm joking around with you.

What you're doing's perfectly natural.

Anyone in your position
would be doing the same.

Look, Liza did it.

Elizabeth Taylor did it.
Sherwood Schwartz did it.

Just my life.

It feels out of control.

I can't connect with anybody.
I don't... I just don't feel safe.

I can't even go ten feet

without the paparazzi following me,
taking pictures of me, spying on me.

I don't even want to
leave my house anymore.

What? You gotta leave your house.

Even Michael Jackson
leaves his house once in a while.

How?

He just don't look like Michael Jackson.

Excuse me, sir.
You know what time it is?

Can you do me a favor?

Courtney Clarke was just in there.
Uh, could you find out where she went?

This is...
Somebody just got their life back!

--Why do you own this stuff?

Why? Those are my workout clothes.

You work out?

Suzanne Somers personally gave me
one of the very first ThighMasters.

I use it as much as I can.

This conversation is over.

What? It's for firm thighs and buttocks.

-Sandy, please stop talking.
-All right.

What we gonna do today?

What we gonna do today?
Anything you want, kiddo.

-Okay, lead the way, ThighMaster.
-Hey! Now, wait a minute.

-By the way, the dogs are good for cardio.
-Oh.

What does that mean?

- You'll see.

- Go! Run! Run! Run!
- Okay! Okay!

Well, here comes the test.

Look at that. Look at that. Huh?

--Wow.

Why am I golfing?

Golfing is very relaxing.

You don't have to think
about nothing but smacking that ball.

Have you ever played before?

-No.
-No? It's quite easy.

I'll take out the big stick
'cause it's fun to hit 'em far.

It's always good to warm up a little bit.
Ow! Okay.

I got actually a little problem
in the back.

-You okay?
-Yeah. Just give me one sec.

God damn it.

-Should I call for help?
-No, I'll be all right.

Just give me one sec.
I just gotta stretch.

All right. Just give me one more sec.
I do need help.

You need to go to the bathroom?

No, I'm just... I'm getting it lined up.

Let's just say goodbye
to all our troubles, okay?

Okay.

If you got any problems,
put 'em into the ball and send them away.

Is it supposed to curve
off to the right like that?

Yeah, I was playing a dogleg right.

-A dogleg?
-Right.

You gotta bend it around the trees,
and that's what I was going for.

-Can I try it?
-You wanna try? Okay.

I was gonna show you
a little more, but okay.

-Okay.
-So let me...

You know, maybe you should
tee it up for yourself.

Tee it up. Here.

-You tee it up, and you say goodbye.
-Right here.

Okay.

And just have a good time
and don't worry about where it goes.

-Let's see.
-Okay.

Am I being hustled right now?
What was that?

I swear I didn't play every day growing up
with my Uncle Davey who's a golf pro.

- Oh, well...

Does this guy need a manager because...

-Come over here.
-What are we doing?

We gotta work on that slice leg.

-Oh, my God.
-Here you go. Here you go.

-This is your day. I don't want to...
-No. No, no, no. You got it?

- You're okay with it?
- Oh, it's my day now. Come on.

-In the hips.
-In the hips.

Here we go.

Oh! All right! Hold on now.

Huh? I beg your pardon?

Tell me. Tell me.

A company called Pixar...

- Pixar?
- ...wants me to do a voice

in some animated movie
about a bunch of toys.

Cartoons are dead.

- Tell 'em pass.

-Okay. Sandy knows best.
-I mean, come on. I do know best.

The lady at Chili's said they'll keep it
open till 10:30 for us, so that's good.

How you feeling anyway?

As good as anybody can feel

knowing they're about to get
their face sat on by that guy.

Damn, that's a big ass!

-That's right--
-Get off me!

Listen. Will you just trust me?
This is a good night for you.

Trust you? It's humiliating.

My kids are out there, man!
My wife might not ever kiss me again!

Randy Savage had to get whooped 24 times

before he finally pinned Ted DiBiase
to win the belt, man!

How does your platinum-selling ass
know about wrestling history?

I'm from Alaska.
It was either watch wrestling or fish.

Is that adorable?

Will you just take it all in
and promise me you'll have fun?

This is a big night for you.
Look at me.

Man, how does your goofy ass
have me feeling good right now?

That's impossible!

Because you know I love ya
and I'm your family.

All right, good luck.

Get out there!

Yeah! Come on!

- Fight!

Okay.

No!

Break, break, break, break!

Hey, what are you doing?
Stick to the script.

I'm sorry, Tsunami.
You're gonna have to earn this one.

What? Hey...

This is bullshit.
I'm supposed to win.

This happening?
Huh, this is happening?

Well, bring it on!

Okay, get back there, champ!

There it is. Now it's getting real.

Thank you very much!

What is this?

No, you're not! What's going on here?

Say it!

It's time to go night-night!

- I got the belt! I'm the champ!
- You the man! You the man!

-Sandy! How?
-What do you... Huh?

The referee is a client, and
Wexler Artists look out for each other.

Oh, man!
Those guys are gonna fire his ass!

Of course they are,

but I already got him a job as a referee
for the Harlem Globetrotters.

-I know. I understand.
-You're never going to work again!

What do you say, champ? Proud of ya.

Oh! I'm so happy, Sandy!

I love you. This is your moment.
This is all you.

I'm just so happy for you
and your wife and your kids.

Okay? That's all I want.

-I love you! I love you!
-You deserve everything!

-Courtney, get in here!
-You deserve everything!

Uh, we do have to go to Chili's, though.

I told the lady we'd be there
by 10:30, so let's get going.

-Why are you talking about Chili's now?
-I just don't wanna...

I don't want her to screw us
for the next time, you know. Let's go.

Eat up those baby backs, guys.

How do you take care of everybody
and never worry about yourself?

How do you become Sandy?

Oh, well, listen.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice, practice, practice.

- Hmm.
- Huh?

I wish I could stay here.

This is the best day I've had in years.

Listen, you can stay as long as you want.

I'm supposed to go to New York tomorrow

and shoot this VH1 thing
with Lenny Kravitz.

Yeah?

That's a good thing.

Is it?

Then why don't I wanna go?

Tell me I don't have to go, Sandy.

No, no, no.

Why won't you?

'Cause that's not my job anymore.

Okay.

What do you want me to do?

What I want you to do
is concentrate on your career.

Music comes first.

Go to New York.

- You know what?
- What?

You're a jerk.

Oh, God, yes!

What was that?

-Firuz!
-Oh, all right, then.

I'll go take a walk or something.

Have the best night of your life, Sandy.

I'm trying.

Ultimately, I have to move.

The day was perfect, the night was better.

Thank you. I'm off to New York.

Sandy knows best.

Love, Court.

-Pick that up!
-Shut up, Firuz!

Just shut up.

Success can be really lonely.

That's why you kinda long
for someone to share it with.

So a week later,
her and Lenny Kravitz moved in together.

And then two weeks later after that,
moved out.

And she moved on to Johnny Depp.

-Chris Cornell.
-George Clooney.

-Ziggy Marley.
-Pauly Shore.

I went out with her?

Man, Sandy was messed up.

Sir, are you committing suicide?

'Cause I don't think
I'm allowed to film that!

No, I'm not!

I'm fine, thank you very much!

She can date whoever she wants to date!
That's her thing!

-He's talking to me.
-He's talking to you?

Sandy, that pool looks far away.
How long until my skin starts burning?

I think the safety advisor
said four seconds you get

before you must be wet.

You think he said that
or he said that? Four?

I got to admit, I haven't been sleeping.
I'm just so tired.

I don't care. I'm about to be lit on fire!

He said it! He said what he said.

Okay, here we go. Right calf first.

Okay. Okay.

- Okay!
- Okay, go, go, go!

Whoo! Yeah!

--What? Oh!

No!

No!

Okay. So birds sleep at night,
but the bats wake up.

- Okay.

Now we know. Now we know.
No, this is a good thing.

I'm telling you, Bud,
he can follow anybody.

He can follow... He followed Minnie
at The Ice House recently.

I know you don't like The Ice House.
I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry.

All right, I'm gonna go watch Kevin.

-Hey, Sandy.
-Kirby.

You got a minute?

Yeah, I'm going to watch
my client on stage.

Actually, Kevin and I think
it's time for a change.

He's dumping me through you?

You gotta admit,
you've been a bit clingy. I'm telling ya.

You're telling me? I'm telling you.

So we agree.

Bud, Alex, how are you guys?
Good to see you.

It's all happening here tonight, isn't it?

♪ You give me butterfly, butterflies ♪

♪ Down in my soul ♪

♪ Butterflies, butterfly ♪

Why the hell do you
have me singing that song?

-They hated it!
-No.

This is an awful idea, Sandy!

No, I... I'm telling you,
you did better than you think!

-You are out of your mind!
-No! No!

-I'm sorry.
-No, don't.

-It's time you go night-night.
-No night-night! No!

-You're fired.
-Oh, God! Come on!

No! You can't do that to me! Aah!

We're done, Sandy. We're done!

Don't say that.

Your life is an adventure.

You don't want to miss a single moment.

- This girl's the new Grace Kelly.
- Now, you don't have to.

Vag-Eze, America's number one
vaginal discharge ointment.

Side effects include dryness,
burning, itching, fallopian tube--

-What's vaginal discharge?
-Can I have some?

You said it was
a coffee commercial, Sandy!

What the hell is going on here?

Please, God, I need a miracle.

"Remember, kids,
if you laugh when you are blue,

the sun...

...will always shine on you.

Honk, honk.

Mr. Buttons."

Teddy!

Wonderful news. Mr. Buttons is dead!

You killed him?

No! He hung himself!

-Really?
-His time slot's open, guys.

I got you the audition.

It doesn't feel right.
I mean, I feel bad for the guy.

Screw Mr. Buttons! It's our turn!

-He couldn't take the pressure.
-He took the coward's way out.

I gotta tell you, it's the first time
I... I agree with the puppets.

Friend Boom Boom is gonna
sing a song for us today, kids.

Would you like that?
Would you like to hear it?

I hate singing.

What are you talking about?
You sing all the time.

You sing in the car,
you sing in the shower...

You spy on me in the shower?

-That is not what I meant.
-I can sing, Ted.

- Would you like to hear that, kids?
- Yeah!

You have something
in your throat, Heather?

Yeah, your hand, dummy!

I can't believe it.
These kids are eating your boy up!

I mean, he could be the next Buttons.

-Didn't I tell you? Didn't I say?
-Yeah, great.

Hey! There's a caterpillar on your face.

What's with you?
What, are you okay?

-No, no, I, uh...
-Something wrong? There's something wrong?

Maybe a little dizzy.
I had too many bacon bits this morning.

Bacon Bits? What is that?
That's a dog food, no?

No. Didn't say that on the box.

Yeah, all right, whatever. Tell you what,
you come to my office in an hour.

We'll hammer out a deal.

I'll get your boy on the air ASAP.
Okay, bud?

All righty. That makes me very happy.

- They absolutely loved you.

-You're getting the job, Teddy.
-I did good. I did good.

My only fear is they're gonna try
to lowball you on the deal, all right?

The key to this meeting is tough talk.

These TV jerks only respond
to bullying and aggression.

Well, I'll let you handle all that, okay?

I'm no doctor,
but Sandy look like crap on a stick.

No, I'm fine.

- Sandy!
- No.

I think
he's having a heart attack.

We... we gotta get you to a hospital.
Boom Boom, call an ambulance!

No, Boom Boom.
First meeting, close deal, then hop-ital.

Forget the meeting.
You can barely speak.

But... you can.

So what we saw in there
told us everything we need to know.

We love Ted. The kids love Ted.

- That is... That's spectacular.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

But the fact is
he's never been on television.

So here's the deal.

Six episodes, 15 grand a pop,
and then we see what we do from there.

Are you kidding me, Marty?

-What?
-You think I'm a complete a-hole?

No, no, no.

Then why are you treating me like one?

I think it's a reasonable
starting place, Sandy.

Reasonable, Fishbein? It's dog crap.

If we take this deal,

my guy's gonna end up at the end of a rope
just like your last clown.

-Whoa, man!
-All right. Sandy, Sandy. Take it easy.

Take it easy. Just make us a counter.

We want a two year...
Five year deal.

Sandy, please.

Twenty-four show minimum,
50 grand an episode,

with a 200K bump
every year we're on the air.

This guy's an animal.

He's literally foaming at the mouth.

And the puppets get
their own dressing rooms.

Just kidding.

Okay.

Three years, 20 show minimum,
at the numbers you mentioned.

Deal.

Ted, welcome to the UPN family.

And that's how Sandy died.
On the conference room floor at UPN.

Just kidding.
They took him to the hospital.

Where am I?

You had a minor heart attack.
A warning shot.

Probably due to stress. And meat.

Just need to rest for a few days.
Here you go.

This is too nice of a room for me.
I can't afford this.

Come on, man. I wasn't gonna let you
slum it down in the regular people ward.

First class all the way for my Sandman.

-You came!
-Of course.

Miss Clarke, I love your new album.

I play it every day. I'm obsessed with it.

Thank you.

-You're so beautiful.
-Thank you.

- Can I touch you?

Oh, I... I...
I just touched the queen!

Oh, and you, sir, you need a new bedpan,
so I'm gonna grab that for you.

-I used the bedpan while I was sleeping?
-Thanks.

You did a new album?

Oh. Don't you worry about that.
I want you to worry about getting better.

It's scary, knowing your heart's not good.

Sandy Wexler, you have
the biggest, best, strongest heart

in this whole miserable town.
And that's a fact.

Miserable town?

It's been quite nice to you,
thank you very much.

I guess.

I just feel like I need a change,
you know?

So I'm moving to Seattle.

Seattle? What are you talking about?

That whole grunge thing, that's old hat.
Why would you go there?

The guy I'm marrying lives there.

You're getting married?

Yeah.

Saturday, in Malibu.

His name is Eric Lamonsoff.
He's not in show business.

He owns a chain of coffee stores.

A store that just sells coffee?
I don't know.

That ain't gonna work, kid.

I just need a... a break from the music.

But singing's the only thing
that makes you happy.

Yeah, but I'm looking for something else
to make me happy.

'Cause that's not it anymore.

Miss Clarke, I'm so sorry to bother you,
but would you?

Sure.

Is that the record? Can you play it?

-Is there a player in the room?
-Yeah.

I gotta hear this.

You were always there for me.

Even when you weren't.

Goodbye, Sandy.

♪ My world had no room for dreams ♪

♪ When you found me ♪

♪ I was happy just floating downstream ♪

♪ That's when you found me ♪

♪ Life was passing me by
But you told me to fly ♪

♪ I thought that I was invisible ♪

♪ But you saw me ♪

♪ Yeah, you saw me ♪

♪ And I'm gonna love you ♪

♪ In the rain or shine
Till the end of time ♪

♪ Let you know that I need you ♪

♪ You're my everything
The reason I sing ♪

♪ Just take me away
Give me love ♪

♪ The northern lights
And the stars above... ♪

♪ ...went wandering far and near ♪

♪ But in every place
They said to his face now ♪

♪ Get out of here ♪

- ♪ Get out, get out ♪

I love this song.

This guy's butchering it.

Alfred?

Wow. Nobody's called me that in years.

Good to see you, Sandy.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, this is where
I get all my best ideas.

Well, here and the radio.

Yeah, you... you've been on such a roll.

From "My Bologna"
to "Pretty Fly for a Rabbi."

Just great. Clever stuff.

Oh, thanks, man. Well, you know,
you're the one who put it all together.

--Remember what you told me?

-Stick with the accordion.
-Uh-huh.

Only wear Hawaiian shirts.

Do funny words to other people's songs.

-Genius.
-Huh?

I'm glad. I'm glad it all worked out
for you. I really am. Sincerely.

Thank you, man. Well, I'm just sorry
that we couldn't have done it together.

Hey, listen. I got too close.

Our friendship was getting
in the way of our business.

You did what you had to do.

Wait a minute.
Is that what you think happened?

That is what happened.

-You thought we got too close?
-Yeah.

- No, Sandy.
- That's not why I left you.

I left you because you
could never tell me the truth.

What? That's ridiculous!

Tell me one time
I didn't tell you the truth.

You told me we could copyright
the word "weird."

No, I said it was weird
that we couldn't copyright it.

You... Come on. You were hearing
what you want to hear.

Sandy, you tell people
what you think they want to hear.

- I don't agree.
- No, look.

For me, if you really care about someone,
you tell 'em the truth.

You're right, Alfred.

Damn it, you're 100% right.

-Your hair looks good, by the way.
-Thanks, man, I...

-You're lying again.
-I am. It looks like dirty spaghetti.

I gotta stop. I'm gonna stop!

-I'm gonna stop, Alfred.
-You should.

Hey! Hey! You suck!

You know what?
Real funny, Weird Al.

Why don't you make me laugh one time
without using somebody else's music?

Get off of me.

I'd like to book a space
for a private event.

No! No! Don't tell me it's impossible!
Everything's negotiable!

Put it on your calendar, Ted.
Okay? Don't be late.

I think we'll be busy.

-I'm not talking to you.
-Hey!

I'm talking to Ted!

-Okay. We'll be there.
-What's his problem?

I don't know. Just do what he says.

It's an international call,
so talk fast, okay?

Can I count on you?

Perfect.

And you have a valid driver's license?

How am I looking?

You actually look good, Sandy.

That surprises you?

-Courtney, your limo is here.
-It's showtime, girl.

Wow. Um, it's early.
I'll be right down, guys.

It's a big day, Miss Courtney Clarke.

The biggest.

-You look very beautiful.
-Thanks.

How is traffic out there?

Traffic's not a problem.
You sit back, relax.

Let Firuz take good care of you.

Sir, I think you missed our turn.

No, no, no, no.

That was a thing that on purpose I did.

We're going shortcut.

What are we doing here?

Please, miss, go inside.

I'm going inside to call the police.

Sandy?

Just you and me
under the stars again, kid.

-Yeah, but now's not exactly a good time.
-I know.

And I have no right to say to you what
I'm gonna say, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

You like making trouble,
don't you, Sandy?

Look, here's the thing.

Maybe sometimes I got a way of telling
people what I think they want to hear,

rather than what I'm really thinking.

So I was thinking, if I started
saying the stuff that I think,

maybe I'm gonna find out that's actually
what the people wanted to hear.

Oh, shit, Sandy.
You mixed up your pills.

What I'm trying to say is
this Eric Lamonsoff guy is wrong for you.

Just like Bling was the wrong guy
and Lenny Kravitz.

Marc Anthony. And Prince.
And Apollonia.

Dennis Rodman,
who's great on the boards, but...

You dated Dennis Rodman?
Good Lord.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Sandy's gettin' to that part.
You just listen.

Yeah, thank you, Willy.

All right, here's the deal.

All those guys were chasing you
because you're incredible.

But none of them really know who you are.

Who am I, Sandy?

You're Courtney Clarke.

The beautiful swan from Magic Mountain.

Now, I wouldn't tell you to break a deal

unless I thought there was
a better offer out there for you.

-Is there a better offer?
-Oh, absolutely.

There's an aggressive offer out there.

There's a guy who's willing to be devoted
to you 100% for your entire life.

A guy who will make all the tough
phone calls, fight all the big fights.

A guy who will never doubt you.

Even when you doubt yourself.

Keep going.

He has surprisingly muscular quads
due to the ThighMaster.

But what does this guy want in return?

All he wants in return
is for you to be you,

just the way you are,
because he loves you.

I love you.

I've always loved you.

You're my star, Courtney.

I love you, too, Sandy.

I should have told you the truth
so long ago.

Listen, I dye my hair.

And I also apologize to my clothes
if I don't wear 'em enough.

-No more truth.
-Absolutely.

Just kiss me.

Save that kiss. I came
all the way down here for a wedding.

-Let's get to it.
-Yeah, let's not get him mad.

Yeah, you're right.

Boom Boom is ordained
as an interdenominational minister.

Or we also have...

Hey. Shalom.

There he is.

What do you say, kid?

Will you marry me?

You had me at "shalom."

♪ I prefer you to remain a Christian ♪

No, no, no. That's fine.
Either way, I'm good.

Meanwhile, Eric Lamonsoff
was across town waiting at the altar.

And don't feel sorry for him.

That whole coffee thing
worked out just great.

Plus, he ended up marrying
Downtown Julie Brown.

-Honey?
-What?

-You got a little schmutz, right there.
-Thank you. Thank you.

Something had clicked with Sandy.

And he started reaching out
one by one to his old clients.

And because he started
telling them the truth...

most of them ended up
having pretty big careers.

-I signed with him.
-I signed with him.

-I signed with him.
-We signed with him.

And of course, I went back to Sandy.

He's my manager and my best friend again.

Too bad a wedding officiated
by a puppet was not legal.

Which is why, 20 years later,
they're finally making it real.

- There he is!
- Yeah! How y'all doing?

Show business wealth is good,
but it's not real wealth.

-It's not--
-Hey, shot, man?

-Let's do a shot? Oh, all right.
-I'm good. I'm good.

-Hey!
-Oh, my God! Hi!

I'm sorry, what?

I'm sorry, man.
I can't understand a word you're saying.

No, seriously, I got nothing.

All right. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hi, guys.

Oh, thank you, Sandy.

All these years in the business,
he's got me working a wedding.

This is fantastic. He booked me
in a tent, really is what it is.

Said if I do good here,
I get a yurt next year.

No, um... that was, uh,
some ceremony, too.

It was a... It was a little awkward,
the priest and the rabbi together.

That's always a...

The rabbi, he was, like, Googling,
"Who's Jesus Christ?"

But that's okay.

Uh, what else is going on?

-Just bring out the couple already.
-Yeah, quit doing your act.

- You're right. Okay.

Please welcome, for the first time ever,
Mr. and Mrs. Sandy and Courtney Wexler.

Dad. Bye.

-Sing! Sing!
-Do it, girl!

Oh.

Hey, hey, it could be worse.
He could be eating.

♪ There's no business like show business
Like no business I know ♪

♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪

♪ Everything that traffic will allow ♪

♪ Nowhere can you get
That happy feeling ♪

♪ When you are stealing that extra bow ♪

♪ There's no people like show people ♪

♪ They smile when they are low ♪

He's so happy.

♪ Even with a turkey
That you know will fold ♪

♪ You may be stranded out in the cold ♪

♪ Still you wouldn't change it
For a sack of gold ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show ♪

I'm embarrassed for him.

♪ The costumes, the scenery
The makeup, the props ♪

♪ The audience that lifts you
When you're down ♪

♪ The headaches, the heartaches
The backaches, the flops ♪

♪ The sheriff who escorts you
Out of town ♪

You heard me, Pauly.

Yes! That's right, you son of a bitch!

♪ The opening when your heart
Beats like a drum ♪

♪ The closing
When the customers won't come ♪

-You've been there.
-Shut up.

♪ There's no business like show business
Like no business I know ♪

Oh! Oh! Oh!

♪ Traveling through the country
Will be thrilling ♪

♪ Standing out in front
On opening nights ♪

♪ Smiling as you watch
The theater filling ♪

♪ And there's your billing
Out in the lights ♪

♪ There's no people like show people ♪

♪ They smile when they are low ♪

♪ Yesterday they told you
You would not go far ♪

♪ That night you open and there you are ♪

♪ Next day on your dressing room
They've hung a star ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show ♪

Yeah, every time I ran into Sandy, he used
to say, "I got to meet this Beavis kid.

Yeah, I want to represent him."

He didn't understand
that that's a cartoon character.

You can't really manage
a cartoon character.

And, uh, he did give me his number though,

and, uh, we used to call him
in the middle of the night.

Wexler Artists.

Is this Sandy?

Yeah. Yeah, who... who is this?

You know who this is.

No, I don't. That's why I'm asking.

Guess.

Are you Gary Busey?

No way! Dumbass.

Who? Beavis?

-You suck!
-What? No, I don't.

You suck balls.

No, no, no, no.

You don't sound so good.

Now, tell me where you are
and I'll pick you up.

I'm in your butt.

What? What's this?

Yeah, I'm in there right now.

Hemorrhoids.

Wait. You get out of my butt.
Get out right now.

Kill yourself.

Okay. Okay, that's it.
I'm hanging up the phone.

Wexler Artists.

Uh... Sandy Wexler?

Who is this?

Uh, this is Butt-Head.

Oh, hi, Butt-Head.

Uh, Sandy,
I'm calling about Beavis.

Uh, yeah. Beavis wasn't
too courteous last night, Butt-Head.

Uh, that's why I'm calling.

Uh-huh.

Uh, Beavis wanted
to say he's sorry.

Oh, okay. He is, huh?
He... he's sorry?

Yeah. Beavis says
he's sorry you're such a dumbass.

What? What's that?
What? What'd you say?

Uh, and he's also sorry

that he said your face looks like a toilet
and your balls smell funny.

Okay, okay.
Well, you tell him I accept.

Look, you're good kids,
and I like what you're doing.

I think if you want to get
to the next level, you're gonna--

- Uh, hang on a second.
- Okay.

Beavis wants to say something, sir.

- Oh, okay.
- Hey, this is Beavis.

Uh... oh, hi, Beavis.

- Sandy Wexler?
- Yeah.

Sandy Wexler?

- Yeah, I know my name.
- Of Wexler Fartists?

All right. Okay, come on, guys.

Uh...
You said you wanna come on guys?

That's it. I'm getting off.

You said you're getting off.

All right.
Listen, you sons of bitches.

I'll find your parents

and make you wish you never messed
with the king of Hollywood.

You said "wood."

- All right. Come on!

Stop it!

-All right, good.
-All right.

--Yeah!