Sam Kinison: Live in Vegas (1991) - full transcript

[rock music plays]

[announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,

the undisputed king of comedy,

the leader of the band,
Mr. Sam Kinison!

[rock music plays]

♪ Been a long time
sine I rock and rolled, yeah ♪

♪ Been a long time
since I did the stroll ♪

♪ Let me get back, let me
get back, let me get back ♪

-♪ Yeah!
-♪ Been a long time

♪ Been a long time
Been a long time ♪

♪ Been a lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely time ♪



♪ Oh

♪ Been a long time
since the book of love ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, carry me back,
carry me back, carry me back ♪

-♪ Baby, where I come from
-♪ Yeah

♪ Been a long time,
been a long time ♪

♪ Been a long, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely time ♪

How you doing, Las Vegas?

Go, Randy!

[guitar solo plays]

♪ Been a long time
since I rock and rolled ♪

♪ Been a long time
since I rock and rolled ♪

♪ Carry me back, carry me back
Carry me back ♪

♪ Yeah

Yeah!



♪ Been a long time,
been a long time ♪

♪ Been a long, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely time ♪

Yeah!

♪ I said hey!

♪ Hey!

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Hey

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

-♪ Been a long time
-♪ Been a long time

♪ Been a long, lonely, lonely,
lonely, lonely, lonely time ♪

[drum solo]

Yeah!

[drum solo continues]

[song ends]

[screams]

[audience cheering]

Oh, Randy Hansen,
ladies and gentlemen!

[cheering]

And the Sam Kinison
Wedding Band.

Thank you very much, guys.

Oh, man! How the fuck are you,
Las Vegas?!

[cheering]

I know a lot of you
probably got scared.

You probably thought, "Oh, fuck.

He's not gonna sing all night,
is he?"

[laughs]

I just wanted to show you
a couple of things a lot

of people didn't get to see,
like most of the shit

that was cut out of my
Saturday Night Live show.

As far as the voter registration
commercial,

I still haven't registered
to vote. [laughs]

So... I meant to.

I meant to.
It's those fucking hours, man.

It's hard to get up

and get down there in time
to fucking, um...

you know, register-- Where do
you go, the Post Office?

Where the fuck do you go?
Shit, I don't know.

Also, that was my new fucking
video there on the end.

It's called "Under My Thumb."

[cheering]

You people are the first fuckers
to see it as is, man!

[cheering]

I sent it to MTV like that,

and they had some
fucking problem!

I don't get it, man!
I think it's fucking hot.

I don't see any problem.

I thought it
was family entertainment.

Everybody knows,
this is what I stand for!

Family entertainment.
So they fucking ruined it, man.

They took out all
the fucking girls dancing.

They took out all
the fucking action,

all the fucking strippers.

And it looks like Ozzy Osbourne
and all these guys

are, like, clapping
for the fucking band, man.

So I sent them a telegram
yesterday,

and I said,
"Pull my fucking video.

If you're not gonna
run the one I made,

then get the one that you have
on there off now.

-Fuck you."
-[cheering]

So...

So if you don't see it
on there, folks... [laughs]

And what we're gonna have
to do is I'm gonna have

to go back in the editing room
and, you know,

because the girls
got carried away.

I had nothing to do with it.

But we did audition 127
professional stripper dancers,

and they were on that runway
and they got carried away!

You know, some of them did
take off their clothes

and play with their pussies
and stuff, so...

I guess what I'm gonna have
to do is go back in,

re-edit the video,
and show you everything

and release it on a home video
where you can fucking own it.

-And, uh...
-[cheering]

There's also an R-rated version
of "Wild Thing"

that never was released
because, you know,

Jessica's tits was, like,
falling out everywhere

and, you know...

'Cause they're awful big now.
[laughs]

And we just hate that,
don't we, guys?!

Oh, we hate big titties.
Yeah, sure.

Oh, God! Oh, so much fun
to be in Las Vegas.

Now, I know... how many locals
do we have here, first of all?

[cheering]

Well, thank you for coming out,
supporting my show.

There was a lot of fucking
bad stories that went around

about New Year's Eve...

And, of course, I'm not
gonna tell you the truth.

'Cause nobody else did, why
should I fucking tell the truth?

Fuck! No, here's what
the problem was.

Now, this is--
this was my fault.

Let-- hey, hey. Let's don't have
a fucking relapse, okay?

Don't flash me back, all right?
Here's what the problem was,

is that I came on
at New Year's fucking Eve.

I came on at midnight. This was
the biggest fucking mistake,

next to my marriages, I've ever
made in my fucking life.

I should--
I wanted to take a pen--

"I suck dick so good.

Show my your rings and I'll show
you my tit rings." Okay, here.

Whoo! Thank you!

[laughs] Here.

Okay, hurry!

Uh-oh. [laughs]

Hey, can I take a picture
of yours now?

Okay.

Whoa! Thank you! [laughs]

Well, you're just trying
to help. That's all.

You try to help.

Yeah, take her to my room,
please?

Jesus Christ,
she had tit rings, man.

I thought I knew
what fucking pain was. Fuck!

That's gotta be
some intense pain.

How many women have tit rings
in the audience?

Is that Bill Gazzarri? Bill
Gazzarri, ladies and gentlemen.

The man you saw in my video!
Bill!

I told you, see, you were in--
did you see the video?

See, you were in the real video.
MTV fucked us, man.

So I said fuck MTV,
I pulled my video, man.

'Cause they took you--
Bill was the one

that was introducing
the strippers.

Plus, anybody from Los Angeles,

this is the man that started
rock and roll!

Bill Gazzarri!
Gazzarri's of rock and roll!

-[cheering]
-The man, the legend, the myth!

Did you ever fuck a girl
with tit rings, Bill?

I'm just curious. I just...
Right here!

Right here's your tit rings.
All right...

I draw a classy crowd, don't I?
I tell ya.

People come to Vegas, they go,
"Wait, what?

The Pointer Sisters show
is sold out.

Why don't we take the kids over

to see that Sam Kinison show,
honey?

You know, that's gotta be plenty
of family entertainment."

Here's what went wrong, anyway.
I just wanna get this

New Year's Eve-- this New Year's
Eve thing out of the way.

Here's what happened.
They brought me onstage, yes!

It was New Year's Eve,
I had partied a little.

But there was nobody passing out
on-fucking-stage,

passing out backstage.
That's fucking lie number one.

Number two was that
they brought me out

right at fucking midnight,
right?

So I come out, they go,
"Ladies and gentlemen,

Sam Kinison!" Next thing I hear
is, "Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six... happy New Year!"

So you see how many people
here tonight.

Everybody had a fucking horn,

and was going... [imitates horn]
"Happy New Year!"

[imitates horn] It was like
doing my fucking act

in traffic, man.

So I'm fucking buzzed out
of my fucking mind, man.

I'm holding onto speakers
and shit,

trying to do jokes with 2,500
fucking horns in my face.

[imitates horn]
"Happy New Year!"

So anyway, to make up for that,

to make up for that, because
I love fucking Vegas, man.

This town's always
been good to me,

I wanna be here
when 19-fucking...

when fucking 1999 goes
into the year 2000, baby.

I wanna be right here fucking
rocking it in, man.

Which is one of the reasons
I had to stop doing coke.

I know, I know. A lot of you
are disappointed, going,

"Fuck, Sam, we were hoping you
were gonna OD

with a couple of 16-year-olds."
I'm sorry.

Sorry to disappoint you.

No, I had to. It was either
give up the coke,

or give up the heart.
You know what I mean, folks?

So... it's not a bad idea,
though, seriously.

I don't wanna get
into an anti-drug thing,

but if you're involved
with coke,

get fucking dis-involved
with it

because it's fucking illegal
and, you know,

you don't wanna go to jail, man.
That's the bottom line.

Don't go to jail, man.

You don't wanna be next--
you don't wanna be next-door

to Jim Baker going, "Oh!
Oh, does this hurt or what?!

[laughs] Oh,
it wasn't worth it!

It wasn't worth the buzz!
Jesus God!

Get this dick out of my ass!"
You know...

Oh, people were killing me
with that fucking shit, man.

I would go to fucking parties
and for some reason,

because they think you're
in show business,

they think you can do
supernatural amounts

of fucking drugs.

A normal guy goes to a party,
like, "Hey, man.

We're doing coke.
Let me cut you a line."

[squeaks]
It's about an inch long.

I go into parties, "Oh!
It's Kinison, oh!

Ohhh! Here's your line."

[squeaking]

"Go! Go! Go! Go!" You know...

So...

I'm a dumb-ass, right?
I feel like I gotta do this.

I gotta prove who I am,
you know.

I'm snorting these
foot-long fucking lines of coke.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of fun,
'cause now I'm walking around

the party for the next
four hours going, "Thanks!"

[tapping]

[laughs]

"I don't wanna bring
the party down,

but I can't move my left arm

and there's a ringing
in my ear and, uh...

You know, I'm...
anybody got any downers?

I'll drink shoe polish,
anything! Just...

something that'll stop this
fucking heart! Don't stop it!

Just slow it down, God, please!"
You know, so...

So, anyway, since March 2nd,
this is my 80...

I think it's 85 days
that I haven't had any shit.

[cheering]

Hopefully, we'll be around
a long time.

Oh... so...

Well, I love you too, man.
I just wanna be alive

to make you laugh, man.
That's all.

[cheering]

Now, this... this thing
about the gay community.

Let's get this fucking shit
out of the way.

Now, I know I offended the gays

on these last two albums
that I did.

They said I was in bad taste.

They said my jokes
were in bad taste.

These are guys.... these
are guys that lick the shit

out of each other's ass...

on a fucking date,

telling me my jokes
are in bad taste.

Now, am I missing
something here?

These guys tongue-fuck
each other in the butt

for an hour and a half,
but you put on a Kinison album,

and they can't
fucking handle it.

It's like... [gagging]
You know.

They can suck a dick this long,
but I fucking gag them.

I make them fucking... [gags]
You know.

Insensitive!
They called me insensitive!

These are guys that put gerbils
and hamsters up their ass!

[cheering]

Insensitive!

How sensitive-- how sensitive
can you be

if you're putting a live animal
in your fucking ass?

Jesus fucking Christ, man!

I'm insensitive! Yeah, yeah,
I'm an animal.

I'm out of fucking control.

These guys are walking around
with... [squeaking]

...coming out of their butts.

Fucking little tails
twirling around

when these fucking animals are
suffocating in their asshole.

And I'm fucking psycho, yeah.
Watch me.

Ban my fucking records
'cause I'm out of control.

Oh!

Now, I just-- seriously.
Let me ask you something,

because this has
been going around,

and I just want to see
if everybody's part of this.

-[man shouts]
-Exactly.

Has everybody heard
the shit about Richard Gere?

[cheering]

Dude, that's fucking intense,
man.

How many people have heard
about Richard Gere

-having a gerbil in his ass?
-[cheering]

I swear to God,
it may be a rumor,

I hope it's a rumor. [laughs]

I was in Miami last night,

the fucking crowd there
went nuts.

I'm going, shit, everybody
in the country knows,

supposedly, 'cause I don't
wanna get in trouble...

[high-pitched squeal]
But, supposedly,

supposedly I guess
he was in the hospital...

Mark, you would probably know,
is this for real?

You're a doctor in LA.
It is for real?

He had a gerbil
in his fucking ass?

Two of them?

[laughs]

I can't believe it.
How good can this fucking feel?!

Man, I have been drunk, folks.

I have been drunk and coked up
and fucked up

to where I have pissed
in my suitcase

thinking it was the toilet.

To where I lifted the lid
of my suitcase

and just fucking pissed, man.
"Oh... Oh..."

Soaked down a 500-dollar
fucking red satin robe.

Half a suitcase full
of my fucking piss.

You know? It never occurred
to me to put a rodent

in my fucking intestinal tract.

For a fucking buzz, man!

This doctor had to feel
fucking weird, man.

He's going, "Richard, uh,
I'm a big fan of your work.

I enjoy all your movies,
I just saw Pretty Woman,

and, uh... but there's
a gerbil in your ass. [laughs]"

And then the gerbil must have
had a great look on his face.

"Oh, yeah, it's my fault!

Oh, yeah, blame me!
It was my fucking idea!

This is where I wanted to spend
the vacation, in this guy's ass!

Yeah, I'm the fucking asshole!"

Fucking poor gerbils, man.

Nobody's doing nothing about it.

Nobody gives a shit.
You know why?

'Cause they're rodents.

People fucking hate rodents.

They do, they hate rats,
they hate mice,

they hate fucking rodents.

Now, if they were dolphins...

if gays were putting dolphins
up their fucking ass, oh!

Oh, would you have
a fucking war going on.

Every fucking ecology group
would be going down

to all these college people,
everybody,

Save the Whales organizations,

"What? They're putting dolphins
up gays' asses?

Oh, save the dolphins!"

What about the fucking gerbils,
man?!

It's too late for 'em
in California.

You know, you can't even
find a gerbil

or a hamster in California.
They're gone. They're extinct.

They're right up there with
the fucking American bald eagle.

They're gone.

You've gotta go as far
as three, four, five states

fucking east to try and find
a fucking gerbil or a hamster.

These fucking fags in LA
and in San Francisco

have used them all up.
They're dead. They're dead!

Nobody cares.

In San Francisco, they're down
to shaved squirrels

and lab mice,
that's what they're down to.

See, I didn't know.
I didn't know.

I didn't know what
The Pet Shop Boys were about.

I didn't know!

I thought it was a weird name
for a fucking band!

I thought, "What a stupid name
to call your band,

The Pet Shop Boys."

Why would you call your band
The fucking Pet Shop Boys?

I thought,
I understand Aerosmith,

I understand fucking Bon Jovi,

I understand Skid Row,

I understand...
you know what I mean?

I understand Guns N' Roses.

You'd call your band
Guns N' Roses, right?

Why would you call your band
The fucking Pet Shop Boys?

And then I realized
the dark truth:

that's where they have to go
to buy the animals

that they put in their ass,
the pet shop!

It's a secret gay code word
saying

that "we put animals
in our ass,

and we sing Elvis songs!"

They do, man.
They sing fucking Elvis songs

with gerbils in their ass, man.

Nobody gives a fuck.
There's no fucking protest.

Nothing... you know.

Nobody gives a fuck, man.

I'm just glad Elvis is dead,
thank God.

Thank God Elvis is dead.

'Cause if he wasn't, he would be
so fucking pissed off, man.

He'd be in Graceland going,

"What are you trying
to say, man?

Are you trying to tell me
that there's bands out there

putting animals in their ass
singing my songs?

I don't understand it, man.
Talk to me about it.

Tell me all about it.

You mean they walk out there
with an animal in their ass

and they go...
♪ Wise men say "

[squeaking]

"♪ Only fools rush in "

[squeaking]

Thank God he's dead! Thank God
he's not alive to know this.

Oh, fuck.

I don't fucking get it, man.
Okay, call me a square.

I... Animals in the ass.
I don't fucking get it, man.

Oh, yeah, sick humor.
It gets a lot sicker, folks.

This is the fucking family
entertainment part of the show.

[cheering]

I have a friend...

I have a friend that I never do
a show in Vegas without

because I believe this man
justifies and represents

a great cause:

the kids that Jerry forgot.

You heard him on my album,

he's become his own
little celebrity,

he's a man that
hates Jerry Lewis.

I know this is Jerry's town.

I know they do
the telethon here.

But this man is one bitter,
little fucking bastard

in a wheelchair
that wants Jerry Lewis' ass.

He wants to beat him,
he wants to bite his dick off,

he wants to gnaw on his balls

There's not a lot--
he's in a wheelchair.

There's not a lot
he can actually do to Jerry,

but if he was around
his dick and balls,

he could fucking gnaw on it.
[growling]

Like a fucking mad dog.
[growling]

I wanna bring him out right now,
'cause he's one of my friends

for a couple of years,
he's a very funny kid,

I love him,
he makes Vegas an event for me,

Mr. Doug Beattie!
Bring him out, girls!

-Doug Beattie!
-[cheering]

Whoo! Oh, goddamn, with the
hottest fucking nurses in Vegas.

Not to mention,
ladies and gentlemen,

this is Malika and Sabrina!

Whoo! Hello. So, Doug...

Doug, I just want to introduce
you to the people

that may not know you.
This is Doug Beattie.

How do you feel
about Jerry Lewis, Doug?

I hate that son of a bitch.

He's been doing this goddamn
telethon for 30 years now?

Made a couple billion dollars.
I haven't seen dime one.

You haven't seen one fucking
dime. How old are you now?

-Twenty-five.
-Twenty-five fucking years old.

Have you ever been asked
to be the poster boy?

Never. They wouldn't
give me anything.

Fucking sons of fucking
cunt bitches, man.

I hate 'em. I hate that bastard.
I want his ass!

[laughs] Don't get up.
Don't get up! Don't get up!

Hold him, hold him!
He gets excited, man.

Fuck, he starts flying around
the room and pissing on people,

man, it's not pretty.

Dude, so you're having fun.

It's fun. Well,
listen, you know,

I've tried to help,
you know that.

I've taken Dougie under my wing,
I like to call him Sammy's kid.

And I'd like to challenge any of
Jerry's Kids to take him on.

He could beat any of Jerry's
Kids' fucking asses.

I'll beat your fucking asses,
man!

I got 'em all, I'll get 'em!

You can take on Jerry's
type of kids, couldn't you?

Yeah! I'll kick his fucking ass!

[Sam laughs]

I'm sorry, folks.
I love this fucking shit.

I would love to see that,
but fuck the Incredible Hulk,

you know what I mean?
Fuck the Hulk,

and the fucking big boss man.

I'd like to see you take on
one of Jerry's Kids

and beat his fucking ass,
wheelchair for wheelchair.

I'll do it, man.
Any time, any place. Anywhere!

How much money did they raise?
How much money do they raise

-every year on this telethon?
-Thirty, 40 million a year.

-And there's no cure?
-Nothing! There's nothing!

I haven't seen a fucking thing.

The cash or the fucking cure,
Jerry.

So, what you're saying is
you'd rather have the cash

or the cure? If they're not
gonna give you the cure,

at least give you a little cash
to party on

while you're waiting
on the fucking cure, right?

Yeah! Let me party,
have some fun, you know?

That makes sense.
So what have I done for you?

Tell them what I've done
for you.

Oh, he's been great.
Took me out to XXX,

got my dick sucked,
we party, you know?

That's right.
Hey, that's all right...

[laughs]

I've got him special medication.

-Only the best.
-[laughs]

Hey, man, fuck it, man!
The guy deserves to party!

Don't you think so?!

Fucking sit around for some
mythical cure, drink it!

Doug Beattie,
ladies and gentlemen!

A man who challenges
Jerry's fucking Kids!

All right, girls. You, you
tight fucking nasty bitches.

Jesus God.

[laughs]

Now, that would be
a pay-per-view event.

Doug Beattie takes on
any of Jerry's fucking Kids.

He's fucked up,
he's in a wheelchair.

Come on, come on!

I'll fucking promote it, I'll
promote his fucking fight, man.

Oh, he hates Jerry Lewis, man.

I know, half the people
are laughing,

the other half's going,

"What kind of fucking jokes
are these?

Jesus God, this is the sickest
fucking comedy

I've ever seen."

Well, it was either this,
or Jay Leno, folks.

I think you made the right move,
myself.

-[cheering]
-[laughs]

Where else are you gonna see
a kid in a wheelchair--

I think he's got a fucking
valid complaint, man.

If I was fucked up
and I was in a wheelchair,

I'd go, "Fuck it.
If there's no cure,

give me some money to where
I could get my dick sucked,

to where I could take some
fucking ten-milligram Valiums

all day and have
some fucking beer,

and wait for the fucking cure!"

What is wrong with that?
I think it's either

the cash or the cure!

Is he even in charge
of the telethon anymore?

-[woman shouts]
-Not this time?

Well, fuck, I wonder
if I could take it over.

I wonder if they'd let me.
I wonder if-- yeah.

Sam Kinison. Sam Kinison takes
over the fucking telethon.

That would help.

Sammy's Kids.

Oh, I'd get 'em fucked up, man.
I'd help 'em out.

I'd get 'em
the right medication.

[laughs]

Oh, God.
I'm having so much fun.

It's so good to be back
at Bally's, man.

I'm telling you, man.
I'm having a blast.

Got a lot of surprises.

Oh... it's great
to be fucking straight.

Well, it's all right.

Yeah. I still do amyl nitrate.
That's my favorite fucking...

That's the best. That's one
of the reasons I come to Vegas,

you can buy it here.

If you haven't bought any,
go to an adult bookstore,

there's a great one right down
the fucking street here

on the Strip, it's right, like,
in this little mall.

I don't know the name of it,
but it's like

big fucking bright lights,
adult arcade,

this woman... this girl knows.

What is it?
Which one is it?

-[woman shouts]
-What is it?

The General Store?
They sell amyl nitrate?

They don't have poppers
by any chance, do they?

-[cheering]
-Oh, dude!

Dude, if I could
get some poppers,

I would be such a happy man.

For you people that don't know
what I'm talking about,

I'm serious. I know
I've pushed this before.

Seriously, while you can,
get a bottle of amyl nitrate

because I don't know how much
longer it'll be legal

enough to buy,
but get a bottle of this,

and have sex on this stuff.
It is the best!

It is the best sex you
will ever have in your life!

You've never fucked like this
in your life.

It's the best stuff, man.

Now, the reason why it's
not completely legal

is that there's a little sign
on the bottle that says,

"Do not inhale."
Now, what that means is...

you know, don't believe
everything

you fucking read, folks.

What that means is...
don't drink the fucking shit.

'Cause if you do,
well, you know,

you'll fucking grow horns
out your ass

and you'll be the first centaur
on your block.

[roaring] You know...
[laughs]

Get some of this stuff, man,
smell it...

There is a little cardiovascular
damage to the heart. A little!

You fucking babies.
There's a little, that's all!

It's not a lot!

It's just a little fucking
cardiovascular damage

and it doesn't bother you now.

It takes years off of your life
later on,

when you're ready
to fucking die.

When you're over 80 years old,
you're going, "You know,

I've had enough time here,
I've had enough...

I've had enough fun,
I'm ready to lay down."

My theory about life is, if it
hurts to pee, it's time to die.

That's my fucking
theory on life.

-[cheering]
-I swear to God,

I was right here at Bally's,
New Year's Eve,

around that time,
I went in the men's room,

and this kills me
because Bally's is great.

Killer casino, very pretty,
gorgeous.

But you go
in the fucking men's room,

it's like any other
fucking men's room,

you've got that open
fucking piss trough

like you're in Dodge City.
You know I mean?

Like you're cattle barons.

Seriously, man!
Like we're fucking cattle.

And women don't understand.
It's hard to pee

when there's other guys
around you!

You can go in there and just be
beating your fucking knees

together, going,
"God, I gotta piss."

You go in, here's
an open fucking piss trough...

I'm sorry, man,
I hate to do this joke

right in front of your face
'cause it looks like

you're the piss trough,

but there's an open
fucking piss trough, and...

Guys, am I telling the truth?
You sit there, you've gotta pee,

and you look over
and there's all these guys

and the fucking dick
will not work, man.

You can't pee. You're sitting
there going... [grunting]

[laughs]

You women don't fucking
understand.

You got your little
fucking booths

and your little latch,
your privacy.

Your toilet paper's folded
to a little point.

You know, we're treated--
I'd like to see you fucking

women go in a bathroom
and all this is an open trench

that you have to stick your butt
over and take a piss or...

"Hi! Hey, how you doing?

Boy, the comedian's really
funny, isn't he?"

[imitating urination]

Then you'd understand
what I'm talking about.

So anyway, I'm in there, right?
I'm taking a piss.

This old guy comes in,
he has to be 80 years old.

The guy grabs the wall.

He grabs the fucking wall.

And he goes... [groans]

[groaning]

I'm sitting there going,
"Jesus!"

It's not like they're pulling
a sword out of his ass.

And all the guy's doing
is taking a piss.

All he is doing
is taking a piss!

It's like he's in pain.
He's like... [groans]

"Oh, God!"

I'm sitting there going,
"God, if I'm ever that old,

if it hurts to fucking pee,
it's time to die."

I think the Indians knew this.
I do.

I think the Indians knew it.

I think the Indians went,
"Uh-oh. Pee-pee hurt.

Time to die.

Time to go to the great mountain

and sit in the circle
of great men."

Oh... un-fucking-believable,
man.

Get a bottle of this stuff, you
won't have to worry about it.

You won't live that long.

You'll check out of here
late sixties, early seventies.

It is the best stuff.
I wouldn't lie to you.

Not three times in a row,
not right in your face.

Is it? Have you ever had sex
on it?

It's great, isn't it?
Who am I talking to? You?

Darling, isn't it-- oh, dude.
Is it the best, man?

You get a little bottle...

I'll tell you the best thing
about it. All right?

You keep it on the nightstand
next to your bed.

You're fucking your woman...
I hope it's a woman.

I hope you're not doing
that fucking

drunk buddy fucking bullshit,
man.

Jesus Christ! That's what
cowboys used to do, you know?

Out here in the Old West.
Yeah, what they used to do,

you'd have a fucking
bottle of whiskey,

they'd sit around
the campfire,

and keep drinking and go,

"Whoever passes out first
gets fucked.

You just go right ahead, mister,
I can hold my liquor."

[laughs] I swear to God, man.

Anyway, try to make it
a fucking woman if you can.

All right? You're making
love to your woman,

you've had your sex,
you've had fun,

it's been fucking fun,
it's been exciting,

you reach over and you grab
the little bottle

and you take the top off...
[sniffs]

You smell it.

All right?
While you're still inside her.

You smell it. [sniffs]

And then you offer it to her
and if she says,

"What's that?"

Oh! Oh! Those are magical words.
Aren't they?

My God, that is the closest
thing to a virgin

many of us will come to in life.

If she says
those magical words,

"What's that?"

It's like, it's the same
situation when you...

when you finally have to ask
the girl

if you are the biggest cock
that she's ever had.

You guys know what
I'm talking about.

Don't fucking give me that look,
we all wanna know.

Come on, man.
This is 19-fucking-90.

You know women sleep around.
They slept around before you.

And every guy has to ask
that fucking question.

You know that. Eventually.
I don't care how long

you go with a woman,
eventually you have to go,

"Listen, honey.
I'm just kind of curious.

Uh...

Am I the, uh...

Let's see,
how can I put this? Uh...

Have you ever had anybody
that was like, uh...

b-b-b-b-b... uh...

Anybody that was
[stammers] bigger than me?"

Now, girls,
the correct answer is...

[high-pitched squeal]
"Bigger than you?!

You mean they make them bigger
than you?!"

Oh! Oh!

Oh, that's the fucking
correct answer!

That'll get you
a fucking diamond ring, ladies!

That will get you
a fucking diamond ring.

That'll get you that bracelet
and necklace.

But a lot of guys
don't get that fucking answer!

A lot of guys get
the answer's like,

"Well, yeah, there was
this one guy," and you go...

Oh...

Yeah, that's the worst.
Oh, don't fucking laugh, Jeremy.

Fuck you, you asshole.

Ron fucking Jeremy,
ladies and gentlemen,

over in the corner. [laughs]

A man with possibly the biggest
dick in the fucking world.

Smart-ass!
You fucking son of a bitch!

Fuck you!

Well, at least that fucking
John Holmes is dead.

Fuck his fucking ass.
I'm glad he's dead.

God, was he a pain in the ass
or what? Remember John Holmes?

The guy with the biggest fucking
cock in the fucking world.

I'm so glad that son of a bitch
is fucking dead!

We hate guys with big dicks!
Don't we, guys?!

-Do we hate 'em?!
-[cheering]

You may not get out
of here alive, Ron. [laughs]

No, Ron's all right.
John Holmes used to piss me off.

Because girls would fucking,
of course, see these videos

with this guy
with this fucking dick

that looked like... it was from
a fucking 'nother planet.

You know? It looked like
he beat off

around radioactive material
when he was a kid.

He looked like he had the dick
of the 50-foot fucking

one-eyed cyclops or something.
[roaring]

And girls would always give you
that shit, man, you know.

The girls, you know, they'd see
that video and they go...

[gasps]

"Honey, how come your dick's
not like that?"

It's like, "I don't know.
I don't know, honey.

I guess I didn't
live close enough

to a fucking plutonium plant.
Maybe that was it.

I'll tell you what,
the next time I'm around

some radioactive material,
I'll take out my dick

and balls and rub it
all over it.

Maybe I'll mutate into
a larger cock.

Maybe that'll make you fucking
happy, you fucking bitch."

Oh... you guys
know what I'm talking about.

This is a guy's fucking act.

I love women too.
Shit, what are you gonna do?

Get a bottle
of this fucking stuff.

We're back on the bottle,
all right?

If she says, "What is that?"

you go, "Hey, just trust me.
Come on. Just smell it."

Give her a little whiff.
Let her smell it.

Then you take it back,
you smell it again,

you put the top back on it,
very tightly.

'Cause you don't want the stuff
to fucking spill, man.

Put it on the fucking
nightstand,

and then fuck, man!

I mean-- is this the best?
It's the fucking best sex.

You fuck like you're Zor,
fucking from the 15th century!

[roaring] Oh!

Oh, you tear this pussy up!

You tear the pussy fucking up,
ladies and gentlemen!

And you know what the best thing
is? You shoot! You shoot!

I know a lot of guys go,
"What? What, you shoot?"

Yes!

Hard to believe as it is,
men our age shoot!

It's not that Heinz 57
fucking shit. [blows raspberry]

[groans]

"It's coming, it's coming.
Hold on."

[groans] No.

No, you use amyl nitrate, man,
you fucking shoot.

You hit her in the fucking face,
over her fucking shoulder.

Sometimes you miss her head
completely

and hit the fucking pillow.

You wanna keep a tape measure
next to your bed

just so you can measure it.
"Oh, my God! My God!

Twenty-two fucking inches!
Look at that!

Honey, it's a new record!"

[laughs]

Plus, if you're in a hotel,
it sounds great next door.

'Cause you're fucking,
people next door go,

"What? Did you hear
what I heard?

Something about
22 fucking inches.

Did you hear that?

Jesus Christ!"

Oh, listen, I wanna talk
to you about something

that's a new part of my life.

Something that I've been
recently doing.

Yeah, sobriety, yeah.
We covered that.

Uh, I think, and I'm gonna
get a little heat on this,

but go with me on this
for a second, guys.

I think it's time
that as men and as gentlemen

that we shouldn't come
in women's mouths anymore.

I think it's rude--
Oh, I knew it, I knew it!

Oh, yeah! Turn on me!

You fucking traitors!
Goddamn you!

Here I try to be polite,

I try to do a fucking
gentlemanly gesture...

I just think it's rude, man.
I think it's so fucking rude

to just blow a load
in a woman's mouth.

No warning, don't tell her.

Maybe it doesn't
bother you guys.

-Does it bother you guys?
-[men] No!

Well, it bothers me.

Maybe you can handle it.
I'm sitting there

and a girl's blowing me,
and, you know,

when I hear her make that noise,
she goes... [gags]

[gagging]

That fucking gets to me, man.

And they always do it like that.

I have yet to see a girl go,
"Oh, eat 'em up!

Yum, yum, eat 'em up!
Yum, yum!"

It's always that fucking...
[gagging]

You know. It's always those kind
of fucking noises.

The fucking eyes--
their eyes, the water

fucking builds up in their eye,

the little tear comes down
their face from the pressure

in their face.

And guys won't tell you.
You know that, ladies.

Guys won't tell you
when they're coming.

They won't tell you.

You're blowing them,
you're sucking their dick,

and all of a sudden,
they're jerking,

they're fucking trembling,
their tensing up,

their fucking lip's acting
like Billy Idol's, you know.

They're doing all this shit.
And the girl's like,

[muffled] "Hey, are you okay?

Is everything all right, honey?"

The guy's like, "Yeah.
Yeah, everything's fine, honey.

Everything's fine.
Just keep sucking."

And you're sucking,
all of a sudden

you feel his hand
on the back of your head

and you're going, "What's this?
Oh, I can't get out!"

[gagging]

So fucking rude! Oh!

Oh, it's fucking rude!

[laughs]

Oh, it's so rude, man.

How many women, seriously,
let me ask you,

how many women think guys
should not come in your mouth?

-How many women?
-[cheering]

Okay, wait, all right.
We're gonna give a chance

to the opposing view.

How many women say,
"Well, Sam,

if I love my man,
I'll do anything for him,

I'll even swallow for him."

How many women will swallow
for their man?

[cheering]

Whoo!

Well, then let me recreate--

let me fucking, uh... apologize
for the first part of this bit.

I was wrong, obviously.

How many women will swallow
for the man they love?

[cheering]

Goddamn! This is Vegas.

The 24-hour swallow town.

So I guess basically this
is like the swallow capital

of fucking Nevada!
Is that what you're telling me?

[cheering]

That should be the fucking
commercial here.

[gurgling] "Hello,
welcome to Las Vegas,

home of the swallow."

This must have been where they
came up with--

This must have been where
7-Eleven came up

with that Big Gulp idea, huh?

The Big Gulp campaign, Bill.
It had to be fucking

invented right here.

There was probably
a 7-Eleven convention

right here in Vegas.

Somebody was blowing going...
[gagging]

And the guy went,
"Wait a second.

I think I know how to sell
that 32-ounce

fucking drink for 7-Eleven.
We call it the Big Gulp."

Oh, come on!

Yeah, like the Slurpee didn't
have a double innuendo to it.

-Huh?
-[cheering]

[laughs]

Oh, God, the Slurpee. [laughs]

I'm sorry, folks, I crack myself
up on time to time.

I enjoy my work so much

that I laugh at my own material
sometimes.

Oh... are you having any fun,
Las Vegas?!

-[cheering]
-Whoa! Yes!

Okay, I think you know
what time it is.

It's time to make
the phone call.

Yes.

It's time that we find
some fucking poor, tormented,

sick fucking bastard
in the audience.

Look at you, ouch.

Okay, guy. You may wanna use
'ludes later, you know?

'Cause how can they say no
if they can't even form words?

"Honey, you mind
if I fuck you in the ass?"

[groaning]
"Sounds like yes to me."

[squeals]

"Can my friends fuck you too?"
[groaning]

"Come on, guys! Come on!
She wants to party!"

[laughs]

Oh, no, if you haven't heard
my new album,

it's called Leader of the Band.
I do a thing on it

that I've done at my shows,
where I try to find a guy

in the audience
that has a story

that is so fucking tormented,

that is about a man
that went through hell,

and we like-- matter of fact,
I recorded my album right here

in this fucking room.
Leader of the Band was recorded

here at Bally's.

You think I'm sucking enough
Bally's dick tonight?

Oh! [muffled] I love Bally's!
I love Bally's!

All right. But what I want
is I want a man with a story

about a bitch
who broke his heart,

and you must have
the phone number

and the audience must agree

that this fucking bitch
deserves us to call her up

and kick her fucking ass
over the phone!

-You must agree!
-[cheering]

I need a man with a story.
You got a story, sir?

What's your name?
Everybody's pointing at you.

Oh, what's your name, man?

John? I'm glad you dressed up
for the show, John.

It's all right.
Out of town, huh? All right.

Oh, cool, dude.
No, I'm teasing.

I know, you look local. You look
like you just got off work,

though you'd come by
and catch the Kinison show.

Good move. So what's the girl's
name, what'd she do to you?

[inaudible]

Becky? What did Becky do to you?

-Fucked me over good.
-Well, yeah.

But I mean, was there
a particular incident or...?

Are you on medication
right now, man? [laughs]

-Hey, dude, thanks.
-[inaudible]

Well, thanks, man.
Pleasure to meet you, dude.

All right.

Three years
of fucking hell, man.

Three years of hell? All right.
You're our first contender.

We need another story.

We need a man that has
another story!

All right, guy, talk to me!
Right over here!

Talk to me!
What's your name?

Jerry? How you doing, man?

All right,
what's the girl's name?

-Kim.
-Kim? What did Kim do to you?

I was in the Coast Guard,
I thought I was in love...

[inaudible]

Whoa!

That's pretty good!
That's pretty fucking rude!

Contender number two,
we got a man here

with his hand up,
what's your name, sir?

-Dave.
-All right, Dave.

What's your problem,
what'd a girl do to you?

I went into work
and I caught my girlfriend

-fucking my boss.
-Oh! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

That's fucking rude.
Are you serious?

Your bitch was fucking
your fucking boss?

Do you still have your job?

[laughs] I didn't think so.

What a cunt, man.

Which one should we call,
audience?

You wanna go with the one
that fucked his boss?

[cheering]

Dude, will you help me
make the call?

I think he should
fucking make the call with me!

-[cheering]
-All right, wait a second, Dave.

All right, thanks, guys.
Thanks a lot.

Bring me the phone, bitches!

Bring me the fucking phone!
Come on up here, Dave.

Bill, get Dave.
Bring him on up here.

Nice pants if you work
for Ziegfeld and Roy.

That's a pretty hot outfit.
All right, so...

Jesus Christ, where did you
get these fucking boots, dude?

Ah, oh-- my God! Fuck you!
Jesus Christ! [laughs]

Whoo! Oh, man. I love you girls
so fucking much.

Goddamn. Hey, by the way, do you
guys think girls should swallow?

Hey, hey, hey! All right.

Well, we asked everybody else.

Okay, Dave, here's
what I'm gonna do.

First of all, give, uh...
who's gonna give--

Do we have some, Bill? Gavin?

We need somebody
to get the phone number.

You can give it to the girls.
Here's what I wanna do.

Have you ever seen me
do this bit?

You know what I'm talking about?

-Yeah, I think so.
-Here's what I wanna do.

I wanna coach you.
I'll talk to her first,

and I'll make sure it's her.
What's her name?

-Liz.
-Liz, okay. I'm gonna--

We're gonna get Liz
on the phone if she's home,

I'm gonna call her up, I'm gonna
say, "Hey, this is Sam Kinison.

I'm here with a guy named Dave.

And he says that when you
were his girlfriend,

that something went on with--
with you--

-with his boss and you." Okay?
-Okay.

At that point, I'm gonna
give the phone to you,

and I want you to call her
every fucking thing

you can think of, man.
I want you to be Sam Kinison.

'Cause I've done it.
I can do it.

But it's not as fun
if I fucking do it.

If you need any help,
I'll take the phone from you.

But what I would like you to do

is I'd like you to grab
the phone and just go,

"Hey, yeah!
You're a fucking cunt!

And I'm here with 3,000 people,

and they all know
you're a whore!"

-Here, give it a chance.
-Okay. Okay.

-[line ringing]
-Act like this is the phone

and like you're doing it
right now. Okay.

-Liz, here he is.
-You fucking bitch!

I walked in on you screwing
my boss!

-I hate your fucking guts!
-That's not bad.

-A little more pain...
-[woman] Hello? Hello?

-Do we have her on the phone?
-Hello?

-Shit! Hello?
-Hello?

-Uh, is this Liz?
-Yes, this is she.

-[cheering]
-[laughs]

-Hi, Liz!
-Hello?

-This is Sam Kinison.
-Who?

Yeah, Sam Kinison.
I'm a comedian.

I'm down at Bally's
and we're having fun.

-You're kidding.
-No, and, uh,

you're kind of the winner
of a special prize.

Do we like Liz,
ladies and gentlemen?

[audience] No!

Liz, we got somebody here--
do you remember that show, Liz,

-This is Your Life?
-Yes?

Well, this is a kind of
a fun version of that show,

This is Your Life.

We have a guy here that says

that when you were
is girlfriend,

that he caught you,
uh, well,

I'll let him tell you, okay?
See if you recognize his voice.

Yeah, Liz? This is Dave.

-What do you want?
-Oh, what do I want?

-Go!
-What do I want?

What about what I walked in
to the inventory room

and you were fucking Mike,
my boss, on a box of socks,

you fucking whore!
I bought you fucking jewelry!

I bought you boots!
You're a fucking cunt!

-You deserve to die!
-You fucking bitch!

How do you live with yourself,
you fucking pussy!

I hope your pussy... [inaudible]

Go to hell and burn, bitch!

-Suck my fucking dick--
-You fucking bitch!

-Suck it--
-Bitch!

Fuck you! Hang it up!
All right!

Good fucking work, Dave!
Good work! Yes! Yes!

Whoo! Follow the girls, Dave.
Follow the fucking girls.

Another hand for Dave,
ladies and gentlemen!

[cheering]

Whoo!

Well, I'm sure we won't
get sued for that.

Ah, yeah, bring out the piano.

I tell you, a moment like that's
pretty romantic, isn't it?

When you hear lovers talk.

Oh, this is great.
Who do I give this mike to?

This is so cool.
I'm giving you guys

a fucking show tonight, man.

I'm making up
for New Year's Eve, all right?

[cheering]

Ah, yeah, I haven't done this
in a long fucking time, man.

Ah, that was too fucking funny.

This goes out to Liz.

[playing piano]

Boy, you know, when you hear
lovers talk like that...

when you hear that special
romantic tone...

it just-- it reminds me
of my own wife.

I think every guy here
has had that kind of girl.

Of course, I never caught mine
fucking my boss.

But... on a box of socks?

That makes sense, though,
it would be soft.

It'd probably be, you know...

He must be backstage right now
just fucking reliving

the whole fucking thing, man.

[laughs]

Anyway, this is, uh...

this is what we call
the romantic

blues part of the show here.

And I used to do this bit
on my first album,

it was called Louder Than Hell.

And I wrote a love song.

And it was about people
that, uh, you know,

that started out being in love,
but they ran out of cash.

You know what I'm talking about.

I mean, money
kicks people's ass, man.

It's hard to be in love
and not have any fucking money.

And I hate to reduce it to that,
but it's so fucking true.

And I had a girl once,
her name was Kate.

And, uh, we're going back
a few years.

But she was, like, one of
the great loves of my life.

And I remember when I first
got into show business,

we were, uh...

we were both gonna move
to Los Angeles

and I was gonna try and make it
as a standup comic

and then she found out
I was broke.

And she came to me one day
and she started talking to me,

she said, "Sam, you know, uh...
things aren't the same.

There's something missing."

I said, "What the fuck's that?
The cash?"

She said, "No, it's just
the love, just the passion.

It just doesn't feel
the same anymore."

Well, that was basically
how I felt.

I thought, how do you put
bullshit into a song

and still make it romantic?

Because a lot of people
think love songs

should go something like...

♪ This time you almost made

♪ The pieces fit

♪ Bullshit

See, it doesn't work that way.

But there is a great fucking
old-time fucking love song,

and this goes out to fucking Liz

and it goes out to every guy
that's ever had a fucking bitch

break their fucking heart! Guys!

One, two,
one, two, three, four!

[rock music plays]

Yeah!

Are you having any fun,
Las Vegas?

♪ Made me cry

♪ When you said goodbye

♪ Ain't that a shame

♪ That you're to blame

♪ Ain't that a shame

♪ You're the one to blame

♪ Oh, you broke my heart

♪ And now we're apart

♪ Ain't that a fucking shame

♪ That you're to blame

♪ Ain't that a shame

♪ My tears fall like rain

Go, Randy!

[guitar solo]

[music continues]

♪ Oh, you made me cry

♪ When you said goodbye

♪ Ain't that a shame

♪ My tears fall like rain

♪ Ain't that a shame

♪ You're the one
to fucking blame ♪

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

♪ You made me cry

♪ When you said goodbye

♪ Ain't that a shame

♪ My tears fall like rain

♪ Ain't that a shame

♪ That you're to blame

Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Yeah!

-[song ends]
-Oh!

Are you having any fun,
Las Vegas?

-[cheering]
-I wanna introduce you right now

to my man, I wanna give
him a feature solo spot.

This is Mr. Randy Hansen,
our featured guitar player,

doing his tribute
to Jimi Hendrix!

[playing electric guitar]

[♪ "The Star Spangled Banner"]

[♪ "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"]

[♪ "Mr. Bojangles"]

[cheering]

[continues playing solo]

[drum fill]

[drum fill]

[continues playing solo]

-[music stops]
-[cheering]

[continues playing solo]

[band joins in]

[song ends]

[playing rock music]

♪ I've been up
I been down ♪

♪ Let me tell you
I been around ♪

♪ I ain't askin' for much

Yeah!

♪ Lord, take me downtown

♪ I'm just lookin'
for some tush ♪

♪ I been bad
I been good

♪ Las Vegas, Hollywood

♪ I ain't asking for much

♪ Lord, take me downtown

♪ I'm just lookin'
for some fucking tush ♪

Whoa!

[guitar solo]

♪ Take me back way back home

♪ Not by myself, not alone

♪ I ain't asking for much

♪ Oh, Lord, take me downtown

♪ I'm just looking
for some tush ♪

Go, Randy! Go, Randy!

[guitar solo]

Fuck me, man, fuck me!

Whoo!

♪ Yeah!

Oh! Randy Hansen,
ladies and gentlemen!

-[song ends]
-Whoo!

Oh! Are you having any
fucking fun?

You mind if we do one more song?

[cheering]

You gotta help me
with this one.

I think you know how it goes.
Give me a drumbeat, guys!

[drum beat plays]

Wild thing!
Come on, help me sing it!

♪ Wild thing

Come on, you can do better
than that! This is Las Vegas!

♪ Wild thing

Come on!

♪ Wild thing

-♪ Wild thing
-Oh, you fucking bitches.

♪ Wild thing,
I think you move me ♪

♪ But I wanna know for sure

Every time I get you I taste
what other men had for lunch!

You're a lying fucking bitch
from hell, I think I love you!

♪ Wild thing

♪ You make my heart sing

♪ Everything

♪ Ohhh, wild thing

Wild thing, I think I
wanna fuck you in the ass.

You two are the nastiest
fucking bitches I ever met

in my fucking life.

You made me trust you, then
stuffed a knife in my heart!

You're two nasty sisters from
hell, but I think I love you!

♪ Wild thing

♪ You make my heart scream

♪ You took everything

♪ Ohh, wild thing

[guitar solo]

Yeah! Come on! Yeah!

♪ Wild thing

[screams]

♪ Wild thing

♪ Wild thing

♪ You make my heart sing

♪ You took everything

♪ Ohh, wild thing

♪ Ohhh

♪ Wild thing

Yeah!

♪ Wild thing

♪ Wild thing

♪ Wild thing

Yeah!

[Randy] Ow!

Whoa!

We love you, Las Vegas!

Thank you for coming out!

Enjoy your fucking evening!
Good night!

-[song ends]
-[cheering]

I fucking love you!
Good night!

Let me hear you scream! Let the
whole fucking hotel hear it!

-[screams]
-[cheering]

Good night!

[rock music plays]

[soul music plays briefly]