Sam Kinison: Breaking the Rules (1987) - full transcript

I'm Marie Marney.
I'm Sam Kinison's mother.

That's a mouthful.

But I'm very proud
to be Sam's mother.

Sam was very different,

and he was sort of
a little, uh, rebellious

concerning life and the church
and ministry.

He never liked a lot
of the confined

religious rules that we had.

[Sam] Whoo!
I've done it, brother!

I've done it, I've screamed
at God at the top of my lungs

'cause that's how much
I believe in Him. Amen!



That's how personal I feel
like my relationship is.

If I can't be myself
with the Father,

then I'm going to stop
preaching this gospel.

[applause, cheering]

[cheering, applause continues]

Whoo! Oh, ohhhh!

Oh, how the fuck are you,
Hollywood?!

[cheering]

Oh, man.

Well, I see some of you
made the show, huh? All right.

[cheering, applause]

Oh, shit.

-[woman screams]
-Little bit of a vis--

[high-pitched scream]



Look at you!

Twins. Nasty,
fucking little twins.

God! Oh, you're cruel!

You're a cruel bastard
sometimes!

Ohhh!

[laughs]

Well...

I think we have careers
in show business

for these two ladies
right here.

That'll be our first prize.
I love women, man.

I always have loved
fucking women.

[exhales] Sometimes it gets you
in trouble, you know.

It's like this Reagan thing
with Reagan, the Iran deal.

I know how it feels,
I feel bad about this, guys.

He fucked up, come on!

You know, I've been caught
in an affair before,

it's no fun, you know? But...

You figure after you admit it...

You know, "All right, I did it.
You know? Just let..." You know.

Women are never
satisfied with that.

It's never enough to just go,

"I cheated on you,
I'm sorry."

It's, "Did you fuck her?
Did you fuck her?"

How many times you
heard that one, guys?

You know, you go...

"Yes. Yes, I did."

You think that's the end of it.

Then, like, a day later,
it's like,

"Did she suck your dick? Huh?!

Tell me, you cheating
son of a bitch! He was...

You fucking primate! Did-- did--

did she let you fuck her
in the ass?! Huh?!

Is that it, she did all of it?!"

That's the way America is,
you know, it's like,

it ain't enough, these guys
went, "All right, we fucked up."

[grunts]
Rub their faces in it.

"Come on, who has the money?!
Where's the missing Iranian?!"

You're like...

I screwed up one time,
really big in this town,

a couple years ago.

I had this girlfriend.

And, uh, she was
a real nice girl.

I just came out of my second
marriage, I'm seeing this girl,

and, uh... I had about eight
affairs on her one year.

And, uh...

And I felt really bad about it
'cause she was paying the rent.

And I felt like
a real male whore, you know?

I felt like a real just...

And, uh, I couldn't live
with it anymore.

It was tough, folks,
I'm a comedian,

I'm in show business.

I'd be working at the club,
you know.

Women wait for you after
the show, come up to you and go,

"You know, I know you
have a girlfriend,

so we'll be real discreet.

We'll, uh, go to my house,

nobody will know about it,
we'll get high,

we'll light some incense,

I'll light a couple of candles,

and I'll give you head
will you read aloud

out of a book of 100-year-old
erotic stories."

You know, and you're going,
"Yeah? Uh...

Well, I'd like to go, but, uh,

my girlfriend's on her period
and she's home worried

about the Cablevision bill.
So I'm gonna go

and be a sexual disappointment
there. But, uh, thanks.

Thanks for that exciting offer,
but...

I'm going to be a good boyfriend
and go home."

Yeah, sure, folks. Come on.

Come on! I just got out
of the ministry.

I wanted to taste it all!

Well, life, you know
what I'm saying.

Don't get... So I...

I sat her down, I said, "Listen,
I gotta tell you the truth.

I've had, like, eight affairs
on you in the last year

and I feel real bad about it,
and, um...

I don't blame you
for breaking up with me.

If you wanna break up with me,
break up with me.

I wouldn't blame you."

And I felt like such
a fucking jerk, you know?

She's crying...
[high-pitched sobbing]

"Don't go! Don't go!"

You know? And I'm hearing this
and I'm going,

I can't believe this!

This is love. This woman's
gonna forgive me,

it's gonna be better
than it ever was,

I'm gonna be a good man.

This woman has
convinced me love is real,

people can forgive each other,
and go on unaffected, man!

I really got into it.
I came home,

I was the nicest guy,
I didn't cheat anymore,

I felt so good about myself.

And in four months,
this fucking vicious bitch...

I didn't hear the last part
when she was crying and said,

"Don't go, 'cause I haven't
got you back yet."

I didn't hear that part.
And, uh...

So, um, you know,
I'm Mr. Nice Guy,

I'm buying this
fucking bullshit.

It's gonna be the same
as it ever was. Yeah!

She forgave me.
I'm in New York,

I gotta fly back to LA,
I can just now talk about this.

[laughs] Oh!

I'm flying,
this is two years ago.

Oh, I remember the fucking day!

I'm flying back from New York,
it's two years ago,

I did drugs then...
[high-pitched squeal] Oh!

Oh, they see through me!
They see through me!

[laughs]

So I'm flying from New York.
I'm trying to relax myself,

'cause I know it's gonna be
five and half hours drive...

flight, you know, so I'm higher
than shit, you know?

Smoked a couple of joints.

I'm seeing Aztec temples
and shit, you know.

I'm on the ground
at Newark Airport going,

"Where's gate 56?

Point me to gate 56."

And this wonderful woman,
she packed my luggage for me.

And in my bag she packed
a loaded .38.

That's what this vicious,
little fucking bitch...

that forgave me and everything
was gonna be the same...

So I'm going through customs,
you know,

or whatever that x-ray thing.
I walk through the box,

I was going...
I wait for my bag.

All of a sudden I hear...
[imitating alarm beeping]

"He's got a gun!

He's got a fucking gun!"

So I'm turning around,
I'm going,

"I'm gonna see some real shit,
man.

Somebody's trying to smuggle
a gun through here."

I turn around,
there's four officers going,

"You wanna get your...
you wanna step away

from the luggage rack,
please, sir?

Step away
from the luggage rack!"

So I'm looking around,
I'm going...

[laughs] "No!

That fucking whore!"

Oh, yeah, she forgave me, yeah!

Oh, I cheated on her
a little bit, sure.

One-night stands,
nobody she knew.

But I didn't have to go
to federal prison

for seven years so I can
be some guy's roommate

and put on a dress and shoes
and dance!

Man, women can be vicious, man.
Oh, fuck!

-[exhales]
-[man] Oh, shit!

[laughs]

Oh, but I still love 'em.
What are you gonna do?

I still love women.

But I learned one thing, guys:
don't tell the truth.

Don't tell the truth.
Fuck the truth.

The truth never kept
anybody together ever!

Lies keep you together.

Lies enhance your relationship,

they enhance your love.

Get out of that bed
every morning, go,

"Still love you, honey!

Oh, am I glad I got married!

I wish I didn't have to work
so I could stay here

and fuck you all day!

Gotta go!"

I mean, lie, man,
lie your ass off.

"You're as pretty
as when we met! [laughs]

-Love ya!"
-[cheering]

You'll stay together
for 50 years.

You start doing
that truth shit.

Oh, man. Oh, it's the toughest,
it's the worst.

You don't wanna do that, folks.

-[woman screams]
-It's tough to make it work,

relationships are a bitch.

I don't know,
I've had a share.

Well, the first thing
you gotta do

is you gotta figure out
what makes each other come.

That's after the restaurants,

"What kind of movies
do you like?",

"Who do you know in this town?",
you know, all that shit.

Gets down to what does it take
to make each other come?

You know...

I think for, uh...
I think for guys,

I don't think
we make it that tough, ladies.

I don't think we make it
that hard.

It isn't like you need
an instructional manual

to work with us,
we're pretty cooperative.

I don't think we put up
a lot of trouble.

Just stick it in somewhere!
Oh, ohhh! Ohhh!

Oh, I love women.
There's nothing else to do.

There's no other alternative.
I know, uh...

You know, a lot of people say,
"Sam, you're in Hollywood.

What?
A woman's broke your heart.

Well, here, suck a dick.

Go ahead, goddamn it,
you've been hurt.

You deserve it. Here...

This Bud's for you, go ahead."

Yeah, like that's
the alternative. What?"

Oh... [laughs]

A woman's broke your heart?

Well, where can I learn
how to swallow a sword?

[grunting]

Yeah, it's a little tough
for me, folks.

I'm from the Midwest,
I'm from that Bib--

I'm from one of the notches
in the Bible Belt.

[laughs] What a name,
the Bible Belt. [laughs]

I love those churches out there,
man. [laughs]

I saw one the other day,
it says,

"The church where
everybody's somebody,

but Jesus is Lord!"

[laughs]

Huh... I know they messed around
with this guy's book.

I read the Bible.

I know they messed around
with this guy's book.

They did, man, the guy
was under too much stress.

You know? He could heal,
that's a pain in the ass.

The sick will find you
wherever you go.

If you can heal, you've got
a new full-time job, folks.

They'll find your ass.
You can't take a piss.

"Jesus! Are you in here?

You got a minute
to look at this?"

Blind guys are coming in going,
"Where is he, where is he?!

Talk to me, pal.
Where's the guy with the gift?"

Like, "Yeah, I'll be right
there. Can you hold on?

Shit, I'm..."

You got a minute, 5,000 people
show up with no food.

And he goes, "What? Huh?
5,000 of you?

None of you brought a sandwich?
No, let me get it!"

Lepers will come up and go, "You
know, the whole thing fell off,

but they said you're the best.

They said all you had to do
was speak the word,

it'll grow out.
I came a long way."

So you know this guy
had those days, just like,

"Oh, man, I see another leper
I'm gonna throw up!"

Trying to hang out. That's why
I think the Last Supper,

I know they doctored that up.
Come on.

You know? He was
under the pressure,

these guys are fucking confused,
going, "Is it I?

Am I the one that's gonna betray
you? Am I the one..."

"You guys gonna pay? Eat me!

Here's your Last Supper!

Sup on this! All right?!"

So they're writing the Bible,
going, "Oh!

We can't write this.

We can't say Jesus lost it
at the Last Supper

and told his disciples
to eat him.

He said, 'Eat me,'
grabbed his dick and said,

'This is your Last Supper,
sup on this.'"

We can't write that.

All right, wait,
I know what we'll do.

I know what we'll do,
here we go.

'May you eat of my flesh,
drink of my blood,

or you have no life in you.
Is that what we do, guys?

Do you like that?
Let's go with that.

Let's say that he said,
'Eat of my flesh,

drink of my blood,
or he has no life in you.'"

They doctored that book.
[laughs]

He didn't even know
they were writing one.

That's how secret this book was.

I used to preach,
I used to study the Bible.

It's a pretty fascinating book.

People go, "Sam, do you think
you could do it again?

Do you think...

think you could ever be able
to preach again?

Do you think there's anything
left inside you

that has any good to it,

that can shine a light
into somebody's lost way!

Do you think if you had to,

if your soul was riding
on the line,

and you had to testify,

and you had to make
a commitment,

if it was a final answer,
what would you do?"

-Well...
-[cheering]

What a rush! Whoo!

Well, I don't know,
I guess maybe... but, uh...

[exhales] See how much energy
that takes? Fuck...

These guys don't
do that anymore.

Now they're smooth, you know.

Now they have amusement parks
and satellites.

Lord told them
to get a satellite.

This guy didn't own a horse,

but he wants them
to have a satellite.

[laughs]

This guy... this guy had
to walk at night

because he didn't have a pair
of shoes,

and these fuckers are like...
[imitates engine]

[exhales] I don't know.

Pat Robertson. "The Lord told me
to run for president."

Yeah, I bet he did.

Well... [laughs] the Lord must
want to make you look like

a complete ass
in the political arena, huh?

[laughs]

He's gonna have a fun night.
He's gonna be driving home

election night going,
can't we just see it,

"Yeah, great! Thanks for making
me look like a fucking ass!

Where's the nearest bar?
I'm gonna beat somebody's kids!

Get over here!
I'm ready to live!" [roars]

[laughs] Oh, is he
gonna be pissed. [laughs]

God's up in heaven, like...
[laughs]

"Yeah, I got bored.

I got bored do I told Pat
Robertson to run for president.

[laughs] Watch this.
Watch him do it.

Watch him do it."

-[chuckles]
-[applause]

He probably has a lot of fun.
"Hey, tonight, tonight...

tonight I'm gonna wake him up
about three in the morning

and have him take his
tire pressure. Watch this.

[laughs] Pat, it's the Lord.

Yeah, I want you to go out
and check your tire pressure.

[laughs] Get out of bed, yeah...
[laughs]"

Yep.

Guess the Lord likes to have
a good laugh once in a while.

[laughs] Jesus had
a tough life, boy.

I read about that guy.
Jesus is the only guy

that ever came back
from the dead

that didn't scare the fuck
out of everybody, man.

He's the only guy that
ever crawled out of a grave

where people didn't go,
"Oh, ohhh!

Oh, I just saw some fucker
crawl out of his grave!

I don't believe
I'm seeing this shit!

Did you see that? This guy just
crawled out of his box,

through the earth!"

People are losing it, going,
"Oh, ohhhh!

Oh, the dead live!
The dead..."

[groaning]

"Get a stake,
put a stake in his ass!

Cut off his head!
Kill him again!"

[groaning]

Jesus comes back,
he doesn't get any pressure.

No static, nobody's upset.

He climbs out, he's walking
around, nobody's upset.

They can eat with him
and everything. You know?

"Isn't that guy dead?" "Yeah,
but he's real stubborn, man.

He won't accept it."

"Pass the butter.

What are they staring at?"

Ah...

Yeah... yeah, I read that,
folks, I read that book.

He's on the cross.

There's 30, 40 Christians
standing around going...

[sobbing] "It's a shame
that he has to die."

And Jesus is going,
"Maybe I wouldn't have to

if somebody would get a ladder
and a pair of pliers!"

[applause, cheering]

A ladder, a pair of pliers,

could have been
a different book, folks.

Little concentration,
that's all, I tell you.

But I read
the resurrection story.

If you ever have some chance,
if you ever have the time,

read this.
What an amazing story.

Guy's dead for three days,
he comes back, you know.

None of his friends
shook up about it.

He comes back with
a holy message and shit.

I'm reading this,
and it's an exciting story,

but I read it and thought,
I know Jesus was never married.

Guy never had a wife, no way.
Was never married.

'Cause no wife would buy
this story in 100 years.

The disciples will,
the believers will.

No wife would buy this
fucking story, good luck.

Good luck with this story.
First of all,

he leaves on Friday afternoon
with 12 other guys...

-[cheering]
-[laughs]

He's gone for three days,

no message, no way
to get in touch with her.

He comes home Monday afternoon
looking like he hasn't slept.

Looks like he's partied out,
man.

And Mrs. Jesus is just waiting
on him.

"Okay, I guess it's day three
of this shit. All right.

Oh, great...

Well, I'm glad you could find
your way home, savior!

Where's your 12 friends
who won't get a job?

Where are they?!

Yeah, disciples my ass.
They're losers!

Every one of them are using you.

You're not smart enough
to know that.

Anybody says 'I believe,'
we put them up and feed them.

I'm sick of it.
Where you been?!"

Jesus is going,

"I don't need this shit.

Not after what I went through
this weekend.

[groans]

No, honey, I'll tell you
where I've been. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

I'll tell you where I been.

First of all, not that
it ruined your weekend any,

but I was dead!

Understand that, you fucking
bitch?! I was dead!

While you were sitting
on your ass,

I'm in a grave
outside of town,

out fighting death, hell,
decomposure,

I'm about to come
in spiritual form

and go in the kingdom of God
and go, 'Wait a second!

I better go back because she
doesn't know where I've been!'

So now I gotta fight
the Angel of Death,

get my fucking soul back,
crawl out of a grave,

come home to this shit,
because I missed you, honey!"

[cheering, applause]

I don't know if Jesus
has actually spoken

in an audible voice
to anybody in about 2,000 years.

I think his last words
may have been...

"Oh, ohhh! Oh, not the
other one! Oh, you jerks!

Oh, oh!"

That may have been
his last words, I'm not sure.

Yeah. People say, "You think
Jesus is coming back?"

Sure. Sure.

What's it been? What's it been,
2,000 years?

Boy, I sure don't wanna dampen
anybody's optimism here.

It's only 2,000 fucking years.
Yeah, he's coming back.

He's gonna do gameshows.

They're gonna go, "Jesus,
this is your life.

-Remember this noise?"
-[banging]

"All right, don't tell me.
Don't tell me.

Give me a second."

He's up in heaven right now
going,

"Why don't you go back down
to Earth, be a symbol of peace

and love to the world?"
He's going,

"Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.

Sure. Hell, Pa, yeah.
Yeah, I'd like to help.

Tell them I'll be there as soon
as I can play the piano again!

Thanks a lot, I'm the only
savior that can use his hand

-as a fucking whistle!"
-[whistles]

People are going, "Man, aren't
you afraid you, uh,

aren't you afraid
to tell jokes like that?

Don't you have just a small
chill that runs

through your fucking blood
when you tell a story,

jokes like that?" No.

No, folks, 'cause, uh,
I'm not worried about hell.

You go, "You think about
going to hell?" No. No.

'Cause I was married
for two fucking years!

Hell would be like Club Med!

Hell would be like
a fucking resort, man!

If you've been married,
it ruins the devil's whole job.

He's blown out,
he's pissed off.

You make him look
like a Ronald McDonald,

big feet, orange hair.

You guys know, you're walking
down the hall,

you're going to hell,
he sees you coming, he's like,

"Yeah, here's somebody.

Here's somebody I'm gonna
scare the shit out of

and torment, all right.
[roaring]

What? Oh, you been married?

Let me take this shit off.
Hold on.

No, they didn't tell me. Uh...

Come on in, I'll give you
the tour anyway.

There won't be any surprises
here for you,

but I'll show you around.
Come on in.

[exhales] See, over here
is where we torment your soul.

Whoa!

Well, shit, man,
if you've been married,

you've been married,
there's not very much

I can scare you with down here.
You've seen it...

What? You've been married twice?

[laughs] Would you like
a job down here? Huh?

'Cause if you've
been married twice,

you qualify for our job
employment program here in hell.

We figure anyone
who's been married twice

can be a tour guide in hell.

You can be a tour guide.
You can take your own groups.

'Folks, stick with me,
I've been married twice.

I know this place
pretty fucking well!

And I won't lose you on this
one, all right? Hold on.'"

Marriage is tough.
It's so fucking tough.

I went through two of them,
and if I get married again,

I want a guy there
with a drum set

to do rim shots
during the vows.

"Do you promise to take her
in sickness and in health?"

"I sure do."
[imitates rim shot]

"Hey! Hey! [laughs]

That's not nice.
Who's doing that?"

"Till death do you part."
"Of course."

-[rim shot]
-"Hey!

Hey, this isn't
a vaudeville act.

This is my marriage vows.
Hey."

[exhales] It's tough to stick
together, I don't know.

I respect people
that can make it work, man.

I've been through it
a few times.

I set myself up for it,
I know that. I do.

I get some really--
I go for the fucking women

that are just gonna rip
my heart out.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

I am. I love those women,
you go up to them,

they go, "Hi. Hi there, hi.

Listen, is that your heart?"

[roaring]

That's my kind of girl.

The ones that are really honest
about it. You know?

I like those.

The girls who just tell you
right up front,

"I'm not gonna hurt you
like the others.

No! No, I'm gonna show you

a whole new fucking level
of emotional pain!

They were amateurs, you're gonna
beg for those bitches

by the time I get through
with you.

First I'm gonna fuck
all your friends. [laughs]

Every single one
of your friends,

I'm gonna fuck 'em! [laughs]

Guys you've known
for ten years!

Then I'm gonna leave you about
$7,000, $8,000 in debt.

And ruin your credit,
get your phone disconnected.

Just for kicks, I'm gonna talk
you into giving me your car!"

-[laughs]
-[applause]

Yeah, it's tough, man.
God, it's tough.

I imagine it's tough
to be married in this town,

especially Hollywood. Jesus.

[whistles]

'Cause I tell you, if you wanna
meet interesting women,

if you wanna meet that neurotic
ball of psychosis,

psychotic bitch you've been
waiting for your whole life,

-this is the town.
-[cheering]

Psycho bitch headquarters
of the entire world, right here,

Hollywood, California.

There's women
that are going around,

and they're two days away
from having a fucking breakdown

and they're just waiting for
a new guy to come in their life

that they can blame it on!
[high-pitched laughter]

Oh!

I've been to parties,
"Can I call you sometime?"

"Sure, sure." "Here,
why don't you call me.

Here's my number." "Okay,
thank you. Nice meeting you."

You go home,
"Why haven't you called?!

You say you're gonna call
somebody, you call them,

you son of a bitch!
I waited for you!"

I said hi to you
at a fucking party.

They are out
to fucking lunch here, man.

They're just waiting for a guy

that they can blame their whole
fucked-up, miserable life on!

You run into about ten of those.

And there's no place better
to do it than next door

at the Rainbow Bar and Grill.
Whoa!

-[cheering]
-[laughs]

Where the possessed
go to mingle.

Yeah, where demons go to hang.

"Hey, man, how are you? Ah!"

I know, I should get... I should
get the good kind of woman.

I know that. I should get a
woman that just gonna be there,

be my friend,
we'll be love mates,

and partners, and...
Women like that scare me.

They're too good.
They're really scary.

Really, seriously, 'cause I've
seen women that don't cheat,

they don't flirt on you.
They're...

they're lovely,
they're wonderful,

they're faithful,
they're committed.

They're right there for you.

But they do one sneaky fucking
little thing.

What they do is they put, like,
five to seven pounds on a year.

Nothing you notice immediately.

Nothing you notice right off,
boy.

And then about nine or ten
years, you realize

you're living with their mom!
Oh, ohhh!

Oh, you fucking bitch!
You tricked me!

You didn't tell me you were
gonna look like this,

you fucking bitch!
Oh, demon!

The old five to seven pounds
a year trick, man.

[laughs] It's scary, ain't it?

[exhales] What are you gonna do,
give sheep the vote?

What the fuck are you gonna do?
There's no...

You can't give sheep the vote.
I tried.

I thought maybe we could do it.
We're Americans.

We get some crazy shit done.
I thought maybe we'd...

we'd get on a fucking tangent
on this sheep thing and...

I thought maybe in 20 years,

the sheep could be part
of our culture.

We could teach it to talk
like us, give it the vote,

find it places to live,
find them jobs.

Come on, we did it
for the Vietnamese.

[laughter, cheering]

Ooh!

[laughs] That's one of those
jokes people go...

[laughs loudly] "Goddamn it,
we did it."

I feel sorry for these
Vietnam vets, man.

That must be wild.

Fifteen years ago,
you're on the trail.

[imitating gunfire]
"Oh, God! Oh, fuck!"

It's 15 years later now,
these same guys gotta go,

"Yeah, give me six dollars worth
of unleaded on pump four.

Yeah, you look familiar to me
too, pal, all right? So...

Good to see you over here.

Glad you made the trip,
motherfucker."

This is couples night. A lot of
fucking people together here.

That's great. I'm not
in a relationship right now.

As you can tell.

You can tell by this outfit.
This isn't how you go.

This isn't how you dress
to go out and meet women.

This is how you dress
when you're waiting

-for that school bell to ring.
-[whistles]

This is the "I'm waiting to give
somebody a walk" look.

And, uh...

[laughs] But if you guys
are in love, God bless you.

Hope it's wonderful. Guys,
show 'em more sexual attention.

Make these women happy.
I'm serious.

-[women cheering]
-Make 'em happy.

Show 'em more sexual attention.

Matter of fact, take the time

that you're spending on them
right now, sexually,

the time that you're spending
on them right now,

take it and times it by two.

Double the time you're spending
with them sexually. Seriously.

Be the-- fuck the shit
out of them.

Use their hair like the bridle
of a horse.

-[imitates horse whinnying]
-[applause]

So, uh...

I know some guys are going,
"Sam, we're a little awkward,

a little backward.

Is there something
you can do to help us?

Is there something you can
tell us that will further us

along in our sexual adventures
with women?" Yes.

Yeah, there is, guys.
'Cause I understand your plight.

I do, because I tell you what.

Sex education in this country
really sucks for men.

Men don't have sex, adequate
sex education in America.

-We don't.
-[applause]

Guys are on their own!

[laughs]

Oh... Mr. Hugh Hefner,
ladies and gentlemen.

The reason all of us
have sexual fantasies.

Thank God for him!
Thank God for him!

[laughs]

Oh, this would have did--
this would have been

a whole different world with
you, pal, I'll tell you that.

We'd all be learning how to make
ashtrays and taking shop class

seriously and shit like that,
you know?

We'd have been working
on engines,

"Hey, I got my arm..."
[imitates engine revving]

Oh... yeah, man. But basically
guys in this country

are on their own.
Nobody helps us.

Women have all kinds
of information.

Women have that little talk
from Mom, they're about 12,

and she goes, "Hi.

You know there's gonna be a lot
of biological changes

coming up in your body.
And, uh..."

You know, they get
a fucking gynecologist,

they get all these pamphlets,
the health classes,

they're a lot more graphic
about what they talk about

in their sexual...
Guys get dick!

This is what guys get.

We get dick, man!
Nobody helps us!

Guys in this country,
when it comes to sex,

are on their own!

-Were we on our own, guys?!
-[men] Yeah!

Nobody helped us.

I guarantee you, the first time
every guy in this room,

the very first time
they had to lick pussy,

they were on their own!

-Was anybody there, guys?!
-[men] No!

No! We were on our own! We
didn't know what we were doing.

We were bluffing!
We hoped it felt good!

We hoped it was right!
We didn't know!

Nobody helps you
figure this shit out.

We didn't get any pamphlets
from the fucking government.

Mom and Dad
are no fucking roadmap.

What are you gonna do,
ask them for sexual advice?

Help yourself.

Go, "Mom, Dad, you know,
I met this girl

and she's really special,

and I really want to make
an impression on her,

so I was wondering,
could you help me out,

how do you lick pussy?

Just give me some hints,
give me some, uh...

some I could use,
and, yeah, sure, help yourself."

Nobody helps you, man,

you gotta figure this shit out
on your own.

Women won't help you.
Women won't help you!

Women won't give you
a fucking clue.

They enjoy your awkwardness.

You can lick a woman's pussy
the wrong way

for five years,
and she won't tell you.

She won't tell you.

No, she just lays there
with that sexually frustrated

look on her face, like...

She won't tell you.
She'll tell everybody else!

She'll tell her mom,
her girlfriends,

her hairdresser,
her little sisters,

everybody else, man!

"Well, he does not sense that.
He doesn't know my needs.

He doesn't know enough to shave
and make his face smooth.

He doesn't hold me after I come.
[babbling]"

But she won't tell you!

That's why guys
are on their own.

That's why I try to help!

'Cause I've been through this,
folks,

I've learned the hard way.

-Gentlemen...
-[cheering]

Gentlemen, I'm just trying
to help, I swear to God.

-[men shouting]
-Just trying to help.

Fucking A, man, trying to help.

You go, "Sam, how can we do it?
How can we do it?!

If no one will help us..."

Well, this is why I came back,
guys.

'Cause most guys
don't know what they're doing.

They're awkward.
We don't know.

We have to be shown, ladies.
You have to tell us.

You have to show us.

Most guys lick pussy

like they're painting
a fucking fence.

They don't know
what they're doing!

They've got on stroke with it.

The girl's going, "Jesus Christ!

Am I being licked
or weatherproofed?! Dang!"

[applause, cheering]

Which is why guys,
I have a secret for you

that will transform you tonight.

You walk out of here tonight,
not just your average person,

you guys-- my dream,
I'll just be honest, okay?

Everybody has a dream.

Mine isn't for world peace.

Mine isn't that all people
should live as one, that shit.

Mine is that every guy
walks out of here tonight

knowing how to lick pussy
better than he ever has

-in his entire life.
-[cheering]

It's not a big dream!

It's not a big dream.

A small one, but I like
to see every guy here

walk out of these doors
like an Oriental lick master

from the Far East.

Yeah...

Say, "Sam, how can that happen?
How is it possible?"

Well, the next time
you have a woman

that you want to impress,

you want to show her

the most exciting sexual time
of her life--

You wanna be the darkest chapter
in her sexual diary.

You have to make a statement
about yourself, as a lover,

she deserves 100 percent
of your sexual creativity.

What you do...

is lick the alphabet.

Just lick the alphabet.
That's all you gotta do.

Big capital letters,
fucking--

It's an easy diagram
to remember.

Big capital letters, just go,

"A! B! C!"

She thinks you're from Europe
or something.

She's going, "Oh, God!
Where did he learn that?! Oh!"

You're going, "A, B, C, D,
E, F, G,

H, I, J, K..."
It works!

It works.
I know there's some doubters.

I see the faces.
I see guys, they go,

"Sam, this alphabet thing
has some humor to it.

But I'm a pretty confident
lover. I don't need this stuff.

I have my own style."
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Well, let me make you a bet,
okay?

How about the next time
you lick pussy,

whether it's in three years,
three months, or in three hours,

the next time...

you have to lick a woman,

guess what little thought's
gonna walk through your mind?

Let me show you how

the subliminal thought
process works, guys.

You're gonna be licking away
and you're gonna hear

the haunting theme...

♪ Now I know my ABCs

[cheering]

That's the haunting
alphabet theme.

"That's right, Sam Kinison.
Goddamn it.

The alphabet.

I was doing the W
and I didn't even know it!

While I'm down here, why don't
I write a letter to Santa!"

[roaring]

Yeah, shit.
But what else you gonna do?

I mean, I'm not gay.

I don't wanna put
the gay lifestyle down.

Boop! They see
through me again!

I didn't pull it off!
Oh, shit!

[laughs] What am I supposed
to do, folks? Pretend?

Am I supposed to pretend
I understand it?

Then let's pretend.
Let's pretend.

I'm from Illinois.
From the Midwest.

[cheering]

It's a little much for me
to grasp, to take in.

How does a guy look
at another guy's hairy ass...

and fall in love?
How does that work?

[cheering]

Yes, I knew it would come along.

They told me
I was a fool to dream,

that I was a fool to believe,
but I knew, someday,

I'd find a guy's smelly, hairy
ass that was just for me.

I've had a lot of guys'
sweaty balls on my face,

but this is love.
This is love. [laughs]

No, it's a guy's hairy ass.

What am I supposed to do,
pretend?

And AIDS has really made it
a popular sport, huh?

If you did have any
homosexual fantasies,

fucking AIDS thing pretty much--

Put that fucking fire out, huh?

"Well, you know, I was thinking
about tasting a dick sometime

in my life, but...
Well, I don't know...

[laughs] You bring
in that high-risk factor,

and, uh..."

Yeah, it's always--
It wasn't like the gay community

wasn't without social
persecution before this disease.

It isn't exactly like they were
being greeted by veterans

like, "Oh, there's one!
God bless you, buddy!

Keep up the fight!" It wasn't
like they were being encouraged

in their cause, you know? But...

AIDS is really... [laughs]
Oh, man.

Thanks, guys. Thanks for giving
us the black plague of the '80s!

Thanks!

Always nice to have to go
to a public restroom

and use your foot
for everything.

To fucking open the door...
[crashing sound]

You know. Flush the toilet.
[imitates flushing sound]

Turn on the sink.
[squeaking sound] You know.

-[cheering]
-No hands, man.

No fucking hands!

I know I don't do enough--
I don't do my part

on the AIDS research.

Probably a lot of you guys
don't either.

It's tough.

They're raising money. I should
give more money than I do,

but I just can't seem to find
any at the end of the month.

I sit around with that extra
$30, $40 in my pocket

and what do I want to do?

Do I wanna help AIDS research,
do I wanna give this...

so they're gonna find a cure
for AIDS,

or keep Cablevision
and all the movie channels?

I gotta go with the fucking HBO.

I've gotta go with fucking
movie channels here.

-Sorry, guys!
-[cheering]

You know, maybe if I had
a second income,

with a little more cash, but...

I need my titty channels.
All right, so, uh...

[laughs] Yeah, it's tough.
It's tough.

I don't know how much
this research money

is actually getting to AIDS.
I don't know.

You know, these guys
are researchers.

You don't know what they're
doing with that cash.

We don't know. Come on.

They have to cure everything.

So they may be going,
"You know,

it's not like we're losing
fucking military men here.

Uh...

May wanna push these bucks
over towards lung cancer,

muscular dystrophy research."

"We're giving you the money.
How come there's no cure?

Jesus, will you hurry up!
We're getting weak!

I'm seeing dead relatives!
Will you hurry up? Jesus!"

People go, "Sam, where'd all
this compassion come from, huh?"

Mr. Nice Guy.

[sighs] Well, I love women.

If I don't, when I talk about
that shit long enough,

I fall in love with them again.

Ah...

Ah, there's nothing else to do.
There's nothing else to do.

Boy, I tell you some
scary stuff, though.

I read the darkest, sickest
thing I've ever read

in my life this summer.

Check this out.
This is dark. This is it.

You go, "Sam, when
do we hit the bottom

of this interesting sense
of humor of yours?"

This is it.

This is ground level, folks.

This is the seventh level
of granite rock, right here.

We fucking touched it.
I read the paper,

they said that a group
of homosexual necrophiliacs...

had been going around
to mortuaries

offering them money

to let them come in at night,
spend a couple hours

undisturbed with
the freshest male corpse.

[audience groaning]

I wasn't trying to sell this as
a fucking home game, all right?

It's a story I read, folks.

Jesus Christ.

Give me a chance to do some
journalistic reporting here.

Will ya?

I felt the same way!
I read this thing and went,

"Oh, ohh!

Oh, thanks for the visual!"

I felt sorry for these corpses,
man.

I mean, you think death would be
bad enough, wouldn't you?

I mean, the one thing
that scares the shit

out of everybody is death.

You don't wanna think about it.
You don't joke about it.

You put it out of your mind.
But you figure if you faced it,

that's it.

What could be worse
than fucking death?

You figure, I got past death...

I mean, you hated it, but
at least you lived through it.

You know? You got by it
and all that shit.

I felt sorry for these corpses
because I know these guys

were laying out on slabs...

They're on there going,
"Well...

well, life was tough and, uh...

it was pretty hard
to live up to.

I have faced death,
and I'm glad I went through it.

And, uh, well, I'm ready
to spend eternity in heaven,

be with Jesus, and, uh,
give a...

Hey!

Hey, what's this shit?!

Oh, I don't believe this!

There's a guy's dick
in my ass!

Oh, you mean life keeps
fucking you in the ass

even after you're dead?!

It never ends, it never ends!
Oh, ohhh! Oh!"

[cheering, applause]

[laughs]

[exhales]

[laughs]

[coughs]

People go, "Man,
do you have to...

do you have to do jokes
about fucking the dead, man?

It's pretty serious stuff."

[laughs]

Talk about something
a little more socially relevant.

No!

Nope, I like
to talk about things

I know a little bit about,
folks. And, uh...

Not proud of everything
I've done, but, uh...

I know about fucking the dead.
I do.

I know what it's like to stick
your dick in a corpse,

I was married
for two fucking years!

I fucked the dead a lot, pal!

I know what it's like!
"Oh, move! Breathe!

At least wrap
your legs around me!

Act like I'm inside you!
Oh, ohhh!"

[roaring]

You guys have been great,
I appreciate you coming out!

[cheering, applause]

We're gonna see you
on the HBO special!

Thank you! I love you!

[Sam shouts]

All right!

[cheering, applause]

Well, it's such a special night,
and it's our last show,

that I thought it was, uh,
appropriate to do a love song.

[playing soft melody]

I wrote this about this girl
that I met about five years ago.

I was gonna come out
with some money,

you know, I've been trying
to live out there for a while.

And, uh... I met this girl
and I wanted to impress her,

you know, so we went through
all my cash in about a year.

Then one day she said,
"You know, Sam, it's, uh...

there's something missing
from our relationship."

I said, "That wouldn't
be the cash, by any chance,

would it, honey?"

She said, "No, uh...

we found so many special things
about each other, I just...

hate to see it all go to waste
because the passion's gone."

She says, "Can't we still
see each other once a while,

and, uh... have lunch
or see a movie or...

just to be friends?"

I said, "Yeah, friends,
I think I know what you mean.

I become some kind
of emotional tampon

that you need four or five days
a month.

When no one else will take
your fucking bullshit.

But we don't fuck.
Ain't that about right, honey?

That's what 'friends' is,
we don't fuck, right?"

She said, "Well, yeah,
that's kind of it."

I wrote her this song,
it goes like this.

♪ You fucking whore!

♪ You used me!

♪ You never loved me!

♪ I hope you slide
under a gas truck ♪

♪ And taste your own
fucking blood! ♪

♪ Die! Die!

♪ Die!
I want my records back! ♪

♪ I want my fucking records
back! ♪

I appreciate you coming out,
Hollywood!

-I love you! Good night!
-[cheering, applause]

I love you! Ohhhh!

[Marie] I'm very proud of Sam.

And I know he's happy
in what he's doing.

-[cheering]
-This makes me happy.

I'm his mother.

And I love him.

[engine starts]

♪ Don't you bother me
about the way I live ♪

♪ Don't you try to understand

♪ I just thank the Lord
and my lucky stars ♪

♪ I live to be a funny man
Yeah!

[saxophone solo]

♪ Don't you bother me
about the way I live ♪

♪ Don't you try to understand

♪ I just thank the Lord
and my lucky stars ♪

♪ I live to be a funny man
Yeah!