Salt and Pepper (1968) - full transcript

After discovering the body of a murdered female agent in their trendy Soho, London nightclub, groovy owners Charles Salt and Christopher Pepper partake in a fumbling investigation and uncover an evil plot to overthrow the government. Can our cool, yet inept duo stop the bad guys in time? - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
You're guilty, I say. Guilty!

I was there tonight.
I saw the body. And I saw it fall.

You're gonna have a hard time
making this stick, Inspector.

All right, so the strap broke and it fell off.

It's not our fault or the girl's.

Five murders in London, right, in a week...

and he's worried about a broken G-string.

Not in my parish!

None of those murders happened in Soho.
That's all I care about.

So just you keep
that filthy sewer of yours clean.

We run a legitimate sewer! A club!

Legitimate? The Salt & Pepper Club?

Where did you get the capital to start it?

That's a lie.

It's more like a haven for half-nude harpies!

Now, Inspector,
think of it more as a mission.

We've given those girls a home.

That's quite enough of your cheek, Mr. Salt!

I'm Pepper, he's Salt.

- Odd.
- Isn't it?

Quiet! One more infraction
and you've had it.

I'll have that club of yours closed
and you two beauties on the inside. Clear?

Inspector, what have you got against us?

- What have I got against you?
- Yeah.

Well, look at you. Your hair all down,
and you're wearing that funny dress.

Why aren't you at home, starting a riot?

And what are you doing with him?

I know all about your father being a lord.

Everyone in London knows
that you're the black sheep.

- Here, here.
- I beg your pardon, lad. Nothing personal.

I expect you've heard
of unscrupulous police methods.

But almost all such stories are untrue.

Only in very exceptional cases
do such officers exist.

And I am one of them!

To me, everyone in Soho is guilty
unless he is proved innocent!

I shall bully, browbeat, blackmail...

bend every rule, lie in the witness box,
and do anything...

to make sure that the police prevail!
Is that clear?

- Makes you want to join up, doesn't he?
- Now get out!

- May I have this? It's part of a matching set.
- Out!

That was close. Now the only thing
we have to worry about is lnsp. Crabbe.

That's no problem.
We'll just have a nightly G-string check.

I'll take care of that.

Yes, you are about the right height.

What do you mean by that?

Hello, Charlie. Hello, Chris.

- See that this gets home, will you?
- Sure.

- Any messages?
- Charlie, you know no one ever calls you.

A very good group in tonight.

Lord Silverstone and Mr. Fisher
with a party of eight.

There. Look there.

The immovable object is back.

And I bet you $1, old buddy of mine,
that you don't make it with that lady.

Make it £5.

- Hi. How about our date tonight?
- Go check in.

Good evening.

Mr. Pepper, isn't it?

Nice of you to come in again.

- We find your partner's act so amusing.
- Is that the only reason?

No. The food's good, and the atmosphere
is marvelously decadent.

It's even better in my apartment.
Perhaps we could have a drink later.

Mr. Pepper, it's very boring
being chased around a sofa.

Suppose I give you a head start.

You're a very attractive man.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

- Do you mind?
- No.

Thank you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

But I'm sure you'd do almost better
with any other woman.

Or do you thrive on rejection?

- Charles.
- Darling.

Mr. Pepper, this is Lord Ponsonby.

- Mr. Pepper.
- How do you do.

And this is Mr. Salt, who is the reason
we come to the club.

- He is?
- He is.

This way, darling.

- Give me the money.
- All right.

That lady stays around long enough,
I'll retire a rich man.

Mr. Salt, please, you're late again.

It is really impossible. Everybody is waiting.

- Let me see. Am I late?
- You are late.

Why are you keeping me here, talking to me,
when I should be on the stage?

Say, Janice, I was wondering.

A few of the kids are getting together
after the show. I thought--

- I have a date.
- You have a date.

Maybe some other time.

Jill, do you think it's possible
if we all get together...

-maybe we could have--
- My fellow wouldn't like it.

Your fellow?
That's the big guy, that's the boxer.

I don't think he'd be too thrilled.


Thank you, and good evening.

Thank you, very, very much. I was...
No, you wouldn't believe it, anyway.

May I welcome you, first of all?

My name is Charles Salt
and I own half of this.

I think this is about the half I own.

We'll do a little thing here. Here we go.

- Can I borrow this?
- Don't leave, we're integrated!

No serving while I'm on, please!

I want your name, and then your rank,
and out!

Are you sure you can
see well enough from there?

Very well, thank you.

Let's get a little something going on here!

Ready? Let's go.

Something to report, Rack?

- Mai Ling is dead, sir.
- Well done.

But, Col. Woodstock...

- I had to leave her body in the club, sir.
- Not to worry.

- Did you find anything on her?
- Only this.

It had been fired,
and Straw has disappeared.

Never saw him after we split up
at the Salt & Pepper Club.

I see.

Now that is a loose end, Mr. Rack.
I do not condone loose ends.

No, sir.

I suggest you check back there immediately.

Hi, there. You waiting for Charlie?

Holy Loch...

No, sweetheart, those are carnations,
not hollyhocks.

June 3.

June 3? Yeah, I'm sure that'll be all right.
I'm free, I think.

If it's okay with Charlie.

Whatever you're on is working, isn't it?

- Well, are you busy?
- No. None of that.

She's out of it. She's grooving.
I found her here on your carpet.

Hey, do you think
maybe somebody sent us a goody?

We'll have to send her back unopened.
This girl is really out of it.

I wonder who she is.

I don't know. Let's have a look.

"Mai Ling, 21, Cadogan Cloisters, Chelsea."

Take my advice, call the limousine service.


- Good evening, sir.
- Hi.

- Who hired the new girl?
- Who else?

Big spender.

More chips.

It's my table. It's all mine.

Hit me.

- Hit me.
- But, sir, you've gone over.

Hit me!

- But, sir...
- Hit me!

I just got a hell of an idea
to save some money around here.

- How?
- With dealers like that, who needs cards?

I just don't understand it.

Why she keeps giving me a hard time.
I know that she likes me.

- This is something you don't imagine.
- But you can imagine anything you want to!

I imagined that I saw a dead body
in my closet tonight.

Why? Because I'm allergic to bodies.

I mean, I could be cured.

I can see what you mean.

lnsp. Crabbe is here, in your room.

- What? A G-string?
- No. Not this time.

Happy hour again.

Excuse me, madam.

A remarkable likeness.

Would you like me to sign it?

Was a Chinese call girl
called Mai Ling here tonight?

What did she look like?

What do you expect a Chinese call girl
to look like? Was she here?

- Yes, but we got rid of her.
- You admit it?

- She was stoned.
- Stabbed.

- What?
- In the back.

- Murder?
- The very word.

- Whoops.
- Precisely.

- Who did it?
- Any leads?

Well, I'm here, aren't I?

Now, wait a minute, Inspector. I go--

She arrived home dead in one of your cars.

Don't look at me.
She was fine when she was here.

Define "fine," Mr. Pepper.

Well, she remarked about those flowers.

Yeah. She made a date with me.

Commented on the floral decorations,
and made an assignation...

while bleeding to death!

I repeat, Inspector, she was fine.
Stoned, but fine.

Walking about quite happily?

No, lying about quite happily,
as it happened.

As what happened?

She was lying on this...

Well, people often...

No, they don't.

On this carpet?

Wait a minute, hold on.

Inspector, if my partner says he's innocent,
he's innocent!

And remember,
I have friends in high places!

So you better lay off of him because you'll
be back pounding a beat in Blackpool!

If you'd only kept your mouth shut.

- Examined the knife?
- Yes, sir.

- Fingerprints?
- Yes, sir.

- Whose?
- Mine, sir.

- Blood?
- Yes, sir.

- Hers?
- Yours, sir.

Yours, sir.

Do you find murder humorous, Mr. Salt?

Nobody finds murder humorous, Inspector.
But use your head.

Do you think we'd kill someone and put
them in our car to send them home?

I don't know what you think, Mr. Pepper.
But I shall find out.

Sooner or later I shall find out
in my own sweet way.


Which only goes to prove
the hand is still quicker than the eye, sir.

lnsp. Crabbe's compliments, gentlemen.

He insists we drive you back to your club.

No, we'd much rather walk.
We're only a block away.

- Look, we can walk.
- What is this? We don't have to go--

Hey, Chris.

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

Where are we?

I don't know.

What a shot I got.

- Can I ask you something?
- What?

Did you kill that girl?

Are you mad?

- It is all your fault, you know.
- What is my fault?

We could have been in Chicago now
in a nice swinging little club, but no...

you said, let's open a club
in beautiful, quiet, sedate, super London.

So what happens?

We got a swinging club and a dead
Chinese call girl, and all hell breaks loose.

You hit one bent cop.

No, I didn't hit him. He hit me.
And you know something else?

It's the first time I've ever been innocent,
and I can't take it lying down!

I'm gonna get out of here.

Help! Hey!

Can you hold it down just a little?

There's gotta be a way out of here.

Hey, Chris, I saw a movie once
where two guys were in a cellar like this...

and the guy got out
by busting down the door. With karate.

Now I'll see if my karate lessons pay off.
Just watch.

Get us a lawyer! We want a lawyer!

Christopher Pepper and Charles Salt,
I believe.

- I'm Salt, he's Pepper.
- I see.

First of all, it wasn't the police
who brought you here, it was me.

And who are you?

The name is Balsom. Col. Balsom.

I apologize for the rough treatment.

But I had to make sure you'd nothing to do
with the death of Mai Ling.

By bashing us over the head?

No. By listening in to your conversation.

Now you wouldn't know it...

but Mai Ling was an absolutely first-class
little operator.

She was a call girl, the police told us.

She was also a British intelligence agent.

British intelligence.

Normally I wouldn't come
into the open like this...

but I believe she was killed
because she had vital information.

The point is, did Mai Ling say anything
before she died? Anything at all?

You were with her.

Well, all I can remember,
she pointed to some carnations...

and she said hyacinths,
and then made a date with me.

No, it can't be.

Almost certainly she was trying
to get some message across.

So you must remember it exactly.

- Weston
- Sir?

- Bring me that bottle of Scotch.
- Sir.

I can't overstress how important this is.

- I've got it.
- Yeah?

She pointed to some flowers
and she said, "Hollyhocks."

Damn it, man!
She wouldn't have been thinking of flowers!

Whiskey, sir.

This will clear your head.


- Aren't you gonna join us, Colonel?
- I have an ulcer.

He has an ulcer. So do we.

For heaven's sake,
you don't think it's doped, do you?


There you are.

Thanks, chum.

That is definitely what the man said, sir.

Two uniformed policemen
knocked them unconscious...

dragged them into a car and then drove off.

If this is the Special Branch
treading on my corns...

I'll have their guts for garters!

- Yes?
- Give me the Commissioner.

You brought the wrong bottle,
didn't you, Weston?

Sir, I must have mixed--

You know that job in Red China
that nobody wanted?


Well, I hope you know
how to use chopsticks!

- Sir!
- Dismissed!

I won't detain you any longer.

But you can help by trying to remember
what Mai Ling said...

and by searching for any clues or messages
she may have left behind.

Colonel, let's get one thing straight now.

We don't want to get mixed up in this thing.

I can give you four good reasons why.

One: It ain't any of our business!

Two: We're nightclub operators.

Three: If you want secret agents,
then go get James Bond...

or those two guys on television,
the one that plays tennis?

Four: Our dance card is filled!

So, ciao, Colonel!

Let's get out of here.

- You may be mixed up in this already.
- What do you mean by that?

If the other side thinks
Mai Ling talked to you.

Ring this number if anything crops up.

The British government
wouldn't be offering £50,000 reward...

to anyone who cracks this thing
unless it felt its very existence was at stake.

- Existence?
- Fifty?

- You mean $150,000?
- Yes.

Colonel, sir...

you mean to tell me that $150,000
goes to anyone who cracks this thing?


This is urgent, gentlemen.

Mai Ling was my sixth agent
murdered in the last two weeks.

You mean one, two...

-three, four, five--
- Six!

Well, as I always say, Colonel...

better to live poor than to die rich.

Finally, Prime Minister...

I have to report that
the Polaris crew training program...

-is well up to schedule.
- Thank you.

I think we all find the First Sea Lord's report
most encouraging.

What's next?

Yes. Home Secretary.

Prime Minister, I have to report
that Intelligence Agent 02...

otherwise known as Mai Ling...

was tonight killed
in the Salt & Pepper Club, Soho.

Order, gentlemen, please.
Carry on, Home Secretary.

There is a likelihood this agent
possessed important information.

Did she have time to say anything
before she died?

I think not, Prime Minister. The matter is
of course being most urgently investigated.

Yes, I {Ike the way you sing

I dig the way you swing

And I like the way you move

You know I dig the way you groove

When you stand still
My world gets hazy

When you start to move
You're driving me crazy

I like the way you walk

Yeah, I dig the way you talk

Yes, I dig the way you groove

And I like the way you move

But when I say stop

I don't mean maybe
When I say go

Sock it to me, baby

I like the way you dance

Now stop


Go, blimey!

Oh, sock it me, baby

Sock it, sock it, sock it to me, baby

Oh, I dig the way you groove

And I dig the way you move

Oh, yeah

Bring it on down

Bring it on down

Sock it to me, baby

Bring it all up

Yeah, sock it to me, baby

Bring it on home

Sock it to me, baby

- Col. Woodstock?
- Yes, Mr. Rack.

I located Straw.
He's dead, in Salt's dressing room.

There it is, you beautiful bird, you!

That's what I thought.


What is it?

He's dead, top to bottom.

That's the guy I saw in my closet.
I wasn't imagining things.

- How did he get in the bathroom?
- Maybe he wasn't well!

- Come on, help me get him out.
- Not me!

He's about as dead as they come.

Two in one night. What are we gonna do?

I don't know, but I tell you one thing--

- Hello, Inspector!
- Inspector.

Excuse me.
Where did you go after leaving my office?

- Why?
- No, he gave them up, remember?

I received a report that you were seen
kidnapped by two men in police uniform.

No, Inspector. We just went for a little walk.

Come on, now. What is it?

- Trouble with the protection boys?
- Nothing like that.

Here, who is this?

He's a silent partner.

Something is going on around here.
Be warned.

I don't miss much, you know, lads.

I'm sorry to have interrupted
whatever it was you were hatching.

I've just passed scared and I've moved
into terror. Let's call Col. Balsom.

- Remember we decided to live.
- That's right.

Come on, we're gonna find Smiley
a new home.

- May we have your name and address, sir?
- Never mind my name.

Check the Salt & Pepper Club. Right?
In Salt's dressing room.

- He'll enjoy this trip.
- Okay, you sleep in the tourist coach.

Yes, you had a nice time.

- Here we are.
- Here we are.

- Get him in there!
- Easy!

You've enjoyed it, haven't you?

- Don't worry.
- In we go!

It's his one night out, you know?

There we are!

- There's a good boy. Wonderful!
- Take him back home.

Live it up! Goodbye!

- Take it easy, will you?
- I was only trying to help

That's the guy I saw in the club,
with the scar and twitch, like this!

Your imagination is running away with you.

You never listen to me!


All right, open up.

Oh, no!

Do you have a warrant to live here?

I received a report that a man was shot dead
in this room.

Mind if I look around?

- No, as it turns out.
- Be our guest.

- Now then, what's in these cupboards?
- Clothes, mostly.

- Clothes?
- Costumes.

Winter, summer--

- Guns?
- They're what Charlie uses in the act.

- In his what?
- I have a permit to use them in my act.

Don't let me find you with this gun
on the street.

No, sir. You see, I wear them on stage.

And it's quite amusing
when you see it done...

because I walk out and they play music.
Western music.

And a lot of twirling,
and back and forth like this

I guess I'll never get it.

Sooner or later I'll get you...

for something!

- Why doesn't he arrest his tailor?
- That's a good idea.

What do you say, Ernie?

It's a nice ring, mate. I'll give you £50 for it.

£50? The reward's more than that!

Look, my price is £3
and I don't do no spanking.

I'm not your nanny.

- Who is it?
- Who do you think?

- Anything new?
- Same old thing, sir.

Now look here, I want you to bug
Salt and Pepper at the first opportunity!

- Right, sir.
- They're up to no good. I can smell it.

- Go on.
- Thank you, sir.

Here, Walters,
get this repaired for me, will you?

- Go on, jump to it!
- Yes, sir.

Have I got something to lay on you.
Sit down.

Yeah, well, this better be good.

What are you doing?

Put your 20!20's on that, old buddy.

I found it right on this couch.

It obviously belonged
to the dead Chinese call girl.

Look at that! It's got everything
Dates, names, numbers, prices.

She was a busy little fortune cookie,
wasn't she?

Beats me how she found time to spy.
Look at that list of names.

- Field Marshal Sir Edmund Brisket.
- It's our army chief of staff.

- Admiral Sir Reginald Greengates.
- That's his naval counterpart.

- General Mark Rutner.
- United States liaison officer for defense.

All right, then who is this cat,
Mr. William Dove?

Odd man out.

Headmaster of Halliwell College.
That's my old school.

You're kidding.

But what are these men doing
with a call girl?

Come on.
How many guesses are you gonna give me?

- You're right.
- Hey, do you want a taste?

- Please.
- All right.

In that case, you know...

it really would be unfair to turn this over
to Balsom or the police.

A thing like this could ruin their careers
in a half-minute.

I can see lnsp. Crabbe
with that in his hot little fist!

So we destroy it? Get rid of it?

I don't know.
It would be wrong if it was important.

- There is one alternative.
- What?

I know Brisket and Greengates pretty well.

You know them kind of cats, huh?

- My father did.
- That's right.

Why don't we pay them
an unofficial visit tomorrow?

If they are just clients, we'll drop it.

If there's more to it,
we'll turn it over to Balsom.

Look, partner, if there is more to it...

you and me are sitting on a keg of dynamite.

All right, we start in the morning
with Admiral Greengates.

- Poor old Greengates.
- What do you think it was?

Heart attack, maybe. Getting old
to fool around with Chinese chicks.

Yeah, I'm hip.

- Hey, do you think it's true?
- What?

That once you take out a Chinese girl,
an hour later you...


All right, what's next?

Field Marshal Brisket
lunches every day at Locke's Club.

- Let's go!
- Can you do me a favor?

- What?
- Will you change that outfit?

- Very exclusive club.
- It is?

Charlie, this is Maj. Dernwood.


I beg your pardon. Our club secretary.
This is Charles Salt.

- My pleasure.
- Delighted, Mr. Salt.

Always glad to see our friends
from overseas.

We had an extraordinarily nice chappie
from Nigeria...

to lunch, only the other...

About two years ago.

- Enjoy yourselves, have a look around.
- Thanks.

See you later. Bye-bye.

Cheerio, pip-pip, a bit of all right
and all that--

- Aren't you overdoing that a little?
- Just a pinch.

- There he is, Field Marshal Brisket.
- How do you know?

Black glove. He lost a hand during the war.

Please don't disturb the Field Marshal.
He doesn't like it.

I don't know if this means anything or not,
but this is yesterday's newspaper.

This is getting to be monotonous!

It's more than monotonous.
Let's get on to Dove.

What're you playing at, Jenks?

Sorry, Col. Woodstock. Just checking.

Where might I find the headmaster?

- You'll find him back there in the garden.
- Thank you.

- Quite a place, isn't it?
- Not unlike my old alma mater.

- Harvard, of course.
- Of course.

What a place for a sit-in.

Beats me how you started here
and wound up in Soho.

Good morning, sir.

Can you see me going through life
with one of those?

No, I'm all for tradition...

so long as somebody else carries it on.

I mean, the next step would have been...


Did he say what I thought he said?

I want six four-penny stamps at once.

Go on, take it. Be quick, let's have it.
Away with you, boy. Buck up!

You see, the older boy's called a prefect.

The younger ones are all called fags.
They run errands and do as they're told.

- That's the lowest, man!
- No, it's not.

- I was a fag for two years when I was here.
- What?

Your secret's safe with me, old buddy.

- You do promise?
- Yes, I do.

I want you to know I greatly appreciate
your motives in coming down here.

Anything you can do to help us, Mr. Dove.

I did know this young person.

But it may be difficult for you to understand.

But this cloistered, monastic existence...

You don't have to explain, sir.

But I should explain, perhaps.

I was dining with the Bishop of Risborough
down here...

at the time you say
this poor soul was murdered.

If we decide to show the book
to the police, sir, you won't be in there.

I'm most gratified.

Good boy, Pepper.

Thank you, Mr. Salt. May I?

- It's one of my favorites.
- Thank you.

By the way...

a young chap from Nigeria
joined the school only this term.

An extraordinarily nice fellow?

No. As a matter of fact, a little beast.

- Goodbye, Mr. Dove.
- Goodbye.


That proves it. Seems that they were
just clients of that chick.

That's what it looks like.
He certainly was grateful.

Morning, sir.

I wish I'd had that information when I was
at school. Think of the marks I'd have got.

We'll check the last name on the list.
Gen. Rutner.

Why not?
No harm in having grateful friends high up.


You call me that one more--

Hello. Who's there?

Dove here. Two men. Trouble!
Salt and Pepper!

Yes, I feared as much when I saw them
snooping around the club this morning.

However, we can deal with them.

All right, goodbye.

A busy day for you, my friend.

After you kill Gen. Rutner...

you'll extend the same service
to the Messrs. Salt and Pepper.

Find out.

Yes. Thank you very much, Mrs. Rutner.



He's on his way to Green Grotto
to lunch with some German general.

I see. Well, let's go.

- Hey, Chris, let's not take your car today.
- Why not?

Because it's a seven-passenger car
and there's only two of us.

- Besides, it's ostentatious.
- Spell it.

- Never mind. Let's take my new car.
- All right.

Where did you get this?

That's not my new car. There's the car!

Which movie did you get this from?

- It's a cute little mother, baby!
- It'd make a nice lamp.

- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi. Hop in!

I'm afraid I'll miss.

- Nice car you've got.
- Thanks.

It's super!

All right, you drive it and I'll burp it.

I tell you, I've got the biggest horns in town.

You can say that again.

- Put your seat belt on.
- Seat belt?

A little music.

Hold on!

Sunday driver!

You're going to get us arrested.
Now, just drive the car, will you?

We're interrupting the program
to bring you a news item.

Gen. Mark Rutner, the chief United States
liaison officer of European defense...

was this afternoon killed when a mystery
explosion wrecked his car in Whitehall.

The police are making inquiries.

- This is more than a coincidence.
- What do you mean?

There's Greengates, Brisket,
and now Rutner.

- Yes.
- This is a death list.

It's time to call Col. Balsom.

Thank God the other side doesn't know
we're involved.

At least it'll stop us from getting
a bullet in our back.

- What was that?
- I don't know!

It's a bullet hole!

You'd better...
Would you keep your eyes on the road?

- Lift up the panel!
- Doesn't this pram move at all?

- Lift up the panel, will you?
- All right, cover off!

- Press
- What for?

Bulletproof panel!

Look at that!

Hey, you should patent it.

I'd rather have the bullets!

- What the hell have you got here?
- I don't know! Press that button again!

I can't see anything!

- Press
- What's that?

The nails that'll puncture their tires!

- Good shot, sir!
- Yeah!

Oh, no!

- I'm glad it's not our neighborhood!
- You'd better believe it!

- Turn it off!
- How?

- I don't know! Press "N" again!
- I'm pressing "N" again!


- Press "O."
- What'll that do?

It pours out oil. It'll make them skid!


- We got rid of them!
- It worked.

Hold on!

- Press "S."
- What'll that...

Not on your life!

It stands for smoke! It'll blind them!

We've winged them, they're on fire!

All right, get closer! Closer still!

Wish you could inhale!

- We lost a shoe!
- My goodness. We're falling apart!

Next time I'll take the bus!

Well, I'll see you.

- No, wait a minute! We're safe! It floats!
- Yes, but do I?

Just wait, you'll see.

- Now what're you gonna do?
- You'll see another surprise!

- They've gone in the water!
- Well, we've got them now.

Let's hurry up,
he's got a whole arsenal up there!

Come on, baby, if you've ever worked
for anybody, work for us now.

Do you ever get the feeling...

that you just want to lay back
and sort of put your hand in the water?

We've sprung a leak!

What's that?

Hold it!

- Come on, let's get out of here!
- Wait a minute!

- What did that little kid do in Holland?
- I don't know.

- He stuck his finger in it, didn't he?
- That's it!

This is the end.

Help, anybody, help!

Well, what do you want me to press now?

I don't know!

Help! Don't just sit there!

- You got them that time!
- Well done, let's go.

Look at them!

No sense in sitting here. We might as well...

What now, Capt. Bligh?

Swim home?

Col. Balsom, please.
Christopher Pepper here.

Good. You remembered.

Remembered? Remembered what?

What a certain unfortunate
young Oriental said before she died.

What? That. Yes.

I have some very important information now.

Not on the phone.

We are not scrambled.

We will be in a minute. I need a bodyguard!

- You need two!
- Make that two!

Not on the phone.

Now listen carefully. You will be contacted.

- What did he say?
- We'll be contacted!

Look, Charlie, here on in,
it's just you and me.

We have to stick together like leeches!

- Like glue!
- Togetherness!

Don't answer that.

- Could be from Balsom.
- So fast?

Here goes.

Easy, buddy.

- Who is it?
- Marianne Renaud.

- Don't you know this is not the time!
- May I come in?

I was just passing
and wanted a nice quiet drink...

so I wondered if you can spare one--

What about togetherness?
What about we would never be alone...

like leeches, like glue, never alone?

What does this look like?

- I can't wait to--
- Don't you ever think of anyone else?

Get out!

Well, what do you think of it?

It's gorgeous!


Pepper, that girl. She's in my room again.

That Chinese girl is there!

She's been dead for two days.

I know that,
but now she's being dead in there!

So sorry, wrong hotel, forgive me.

All right, I made a mistake,
they all look alike to me.

- You can't tell one from another.
- Now wait a minute.

How did she get in your apartment
and why?

I don't know.

Look, she was lying right in here.

- She was lying right there.
- Where?

Right here on the rug!

I walked in my door
and there she was lying here...

with her hand up there...

That's a funny place to put a compact!

Can't open it, either.

It's probably a time bomb.

- It's ticking!
- What?

Chris, it's ticking!

It is ticking!

I just said that!

What is a compact when it ticks?

It's no time for riddles!
It's a time bomb! Water! Help!

No, not in the water! It'll explode!
I read it in Newsweek!

What do you do when
someone throws one at you?

- It's your bomb!
- I don't want it!

Don't give it to me!

- Wait for me!
- Hurry up!

Excuse me!

- I may have to break our date!
- Look out!

- No!
- Here, Chris!


- I gave it to you!
- Oh, God!

What is this? Just what is happening?

The drain!

It's in there!

Mr. Salt! Mr. Pepper!

One moment, please!

There then, what did you
put down that drain?

Antiseptic, sir. Sewers stink!

- Inspector, move your car!
- I will not move my car!

- Move your car!
- You two are up to something...

and if necessary, I shall stay here
until doomsday!


Do me a favor!

Yes, sir. Walters here, sir.

We have bugged Salt and Pepper's
apartment, sir.

That's good. Everything okay, Walters?

Yes, everything's okay, sir.
You can let them go, sir.

- Lovely!
- Doesn't look too good.

Now how do you suppose
he sprung us so fast?

I haven't the faintest idea!

Why don't we brush our teeth
and leave London for a while?

That's a good idea, Ollie.

I mean, it's a nice place to visit,
but I don't want to die here.

Walters, breakfast.

- Thank you very much indeed, sir.
- Did you search their flats?

No dope, ammunition, contraband,
absolutely nothing, sir.

We did find this though, sir.
It was under Pepper's mattress.

A compact? So he likes women.

There's only one thing, sir. It won't open.

It's a cheap compact,
so he likes cheap women.

You'd better let them have it back, sir.

And let them know we've searched
without a warrant? Nit!

- The commissioner, sir. Look!
- What?

Good morning, Commissioner, sir.

You are an early bird, sir,
if I may say so, sir.

What's this I hear about your car
being blown up?

True, if I may say so, sir.
A write-off. I shall need a new one.

Inspector Crabbe, police officers
who allow their cars to get blown up...

will, in future, ride bicycles.
Do I make myself clear?

Damn! I knew she'd be gone.

I could have won another £5.

- You're bugged!
- Bugged? I am mortified!

Don't you know where I'm from?

I don't know,
but this definitely ain't a love-in!

I'm from Col. B!

No, Balsam!

That'll fix their eardrums.
Here, you better take one, too.

They've probably bugged
your apartment, too.

- Who?
- Inspector Crabbe.

Now, gentlemen, do you have a report
for me for Col. Balsom?


You have allowed three of
the greatest defense brains in Britain...

to be murdered.

Now wait a minute, lady.

Ain't there no chance of getting us
any protection at all?


And if the others don't get you,
Col. Balsom will.

- If the others don't get us...
- Col. Balsom will.

Thus two attempts to dispose...

of Salt and Pepper
have failed, Prime Minister.

I think you'll find
all the relevant details there.

And that's all I've got for you.

Thank you, Home Secretary.

With the deaths of Admiral Greengates...

Field Marshal Brisket and Gen. Rutner...

it's no exaggeration to say that
Great Britain is now a ship without a rudder.

You've heard that Intelligence
is striving to discover what's happening.

So far, without success.

But I should like to return
to these two gentlemen:

Charles Salt and Christopher Pepper.

Don't keep saying you installed
the bugs correctly. Listen.

I can't understand it, sir.

- Shall we try Salt's apartment, sir?
- Good idea, Walters.

Did you plant that bomb
in the police station, Chicago Phil?

Yeah, I did that, Charlie,
just the way you said.

And you know something, it was easy.

Right in the police station,
and it's gonna go off with a big bang!

You mean, you planted it
in the police station?

Yeah, that should fix your friend
lnsp. Crabbe very good, sweetheart!

- Walters.
- Sir?

I think we must evacuate the station.

Evacuate the station!

Everybody out!

Evacuate the station!

Women and children first!

It was a hoax all right.

We've been through the place
with a tooth-comb!

A hoax!

Salt and Pepper!

Come on, Walters, get some work done!

- Get these people moving!
- Clear the street!

Well, you really goofed that time,
didn't you?

Maybe we did.

But I got a surprise for you, boss.

We planted a second bomb.

A second bomb?

How did you get it in the police station?

Easy. One of the searchers is our man.

Evacuate the station!

No, we've got no time for that now, Walters!

And there's no time for that either, Sergeant!

Evacuate the station!

- Christopher Pepper here.
- Pepper...

you and Salt report immediately
to Gilbert's Barber Shop, 21 Soho Lane.

Ask for a close shave.

There's a couple of beauties.

- And a pound of tomatoes.
- A pound of tomatoes, love?

Did Balsom say why he wanted us
to meet him in a barbershop?

- He did not.
- How much do you tip for being murdered?

I tell you, there's no bomb there.

And I tell you there is!

You find the bloody thing then!

Well, don't just stand there,
go and get the place cleaned up.

Well, don't just stand there,
go and get the place cleaned up.

Don't just stand there,
go and get the place cleaned up.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, gentlemen.

Two close shaves.

- Yes, but not too close.
- Sit down, sir.

I saw a movie once where two guys
went into a barbershop...

-and they sat down in the chair...
- What happened?

They were--

Good morning. Can I help you, sir?

Haircut, sir? Sit down, sir, you're next.

- Where are they?
- Who?

The two men that just came in here.

Nobody here. Take a look for yourself.

Remember that movie
you were telling me about?

- Yeah?
- The two men in the barber chairs?

Do me a favor. Don't tell me the ending.

Don't worry, I won't.

Where are we?

I don't know.

But wherever we are,
it's not one of their best rooms.

It ain't got no windows.

It's a ship's cabin. It's been hours.

That cat drugged us
after we went into the barber chair.

Your friend Balsom goes too far!

He's no friend of mine,
and this doesn't smack of Balsom.

You said he called.

I assumed he called. I could be wrong.

All right, the only thing
left for us to do is to get out of here.

That's very easy.

I saw this movie once... Now listen, please.

In the movie, when the guys
fell into a thing...

funnily enough they fell into a ship, right?

Then, the guys were locked into a cabin.

One of the guys heard the guys
walking down the hallway.

He turned around and gave it--

I wouldn't do that if I were you,
you'll fall right on your--

As I was saying, he walked in...

unsuspecting of the guys inside.

The guy inside turned around...


It's nice to know I'm not just
another pretty face!

Let's get out of here.

- Come on, let's go.
- What's wrong?

- Nuclear missiles.
- What?

We're on a Polaris submarine.


- That means we're safe, Charlie boy.
- We are?

This is a Royal Navy sub.

It might be to you,
but to me, it's the Boston Tea Party.

Let's get out of here, huh?

These are some of my people.
Hello, Lieutenant.

Your people?

Look at this, will you?

Read that.

"Instructions for R-day:

"The Hercules will, as a warning,
fire one nuclear missile...

"at the uninhabited island of MacCraw.

"The British government will have
then 30 minutes in which to resign.

"Failure to do this will necessitate the..."

"Failure to do this will necessitate
the firing of a second missile...

"at a densely populated area
of the British lsles."

It's a revolution.


It's a damn revolution!

Chris. Let's get out of here.

Before one of your people kills
one of my people, which is namely me!

Tell me, how the hell do you get out
of a submarine?

I don't know, but the quicker the better.

- He's yours!
- Charge!

- Over there.
- This way. Follow me.

It's for you.

Now, wait a minute.

It's only fair for me to warn you
that these are lethal weapons!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Turn off that damn machine.

Come on.

Rule Britannia!

- And a yankee doodle dandy!
- Voila!

- See anything?
- Nothing on deck, sir.

Well, shoot on sight. They mustn't
escape alive. Come on, this way.

They've been on deck,
we must be on the surface.

Right, come on, this way!
We must get them now!

- Can you swim?
- No, I can't swim!

Go on, get them!

I can swim!

What the...

Look, there they are, get them!

Let's go.

Over here.

- Now this is a sewer!
- That's all we need.

I wonder who owns it.

There's only one left.

Good work.

That's the river. We'll never get out that way.

Tell you what, let's hole up in here.
They'll think we got away.

- Daylight, we make our break.
- Okay.

Two guys were--

Nobody there, sir.

Follow me, this way.

All right, flash your light over there.
There's no sign of them here.

Take your group and search the river area.

The rest follow me. They mustn't escape.

There you are.

- Chris?
- What?

- Is this a nightmare?
- I hope so.

There's only one thing I want to know.

- What?
- Am I in yours or are you in mine?

I know it's late in the day, Prime Minister.

I know that my remarks
may sound treasonable.

But one cannot control
the dictates of one's conscience...

and mine would not allow me
to proceed with the plan as outlined.

And what is your alternative,
Home Secretary?

I'll go ahead with the threat, but no further.

And if the threat fails?

Then we fail.

Not good enough.

We cannot, must not fail.

Now, gentlemen...

we have to decide on which British city
the atomic missile is to fall...

should it unhappily be found
necessary to fire.

Am I glad to see you.

Well, this had better be good,
dragging me out at this hour.

Well, try this, Colonel.

Last night we were kidnapped
and taken aboard a Polaris submarine.

Taken aboard what?

A British Polaris submarine,
called the Hercules.

The Hercules? She's been at sea for months.

I beg your pardon,
she's in a field 5 miles down the road.

A 9000-ton submarine? On dry land?

In a field?

Surrounded by barbed wire,
guys with guns, dogs, and tanks.

What he's trying to say is
she's under the utmost security.


Any idea what it's doing there?

Very simply, revolution.


They are going to fire an atomic missile
into a desolate island in the Hebrides.

Whatever for?

To show their strength.

Then they're going to ask
the government to resign.

If they refuse, they're going to send
a second missile...

into an inhabited area.

They told you all this, of course.

Who are they?

The guys you told us if we ran into,
to get in touch with you.

- Well, we ran into them.
- On the Hercules?

- On the Hercules.
- In a field?

In afield.

We have proof on... Show him the paper.

- Why didn't I think of that? Of course.
- Hurry up.

Remember the water up to here?

You had one match, we couldn't see,
I lit... That was the paper.

- No paper.
- No paper.

No paper?

No, there's no paper.

But you could produce the submarine?

Now that we can do.

Why not produce it now?

- I can hardly wait.
- Come on!

Will you come on?

Where did they all go?

I mean, the jeeps, the guys with the guns,
and the dogs?

And the submarine?

The submarine! We know where that is!
Right down the road! Come on!

Well, ain't you coming?

Where is it?

What the...

- She was lying right here.
- It's gone.

Submerged, perhaps?

I tell you, it was right here, Colonel.
The cow can tell you that. it...

Cows can't talk. Colonel, wait!

Colonel, wait a second!

Colonel, you've got to believe us.

Besides everything else,
they're trying to kill us.

Well, then, they can't be all bad, can they?

It's a miracle the mock-up submarine
was dismantled in time.

I hope this doesn't slow our men down
on their training program.

Salt and Pepper should never have been
taken aboard anyway.

It wasn't intended they should be.
A mistake was made, sir.

These last few hours are vital.
Those men must be found and silenced.

Permanently silenced.

We're clutching at straws, Prime Minister,
looking for any kind of lead.

Find one, Balsom, and don't fail me.

Need I say more?


- Do you mind, Walters?
- I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Sir, we just caught a man...

tying to smuggle two parcels
into Salt and Pepper's up the fire escape.

I'm afraid the man got away, sir,
but we got the parcels.

Both addressed to Salt and Pepper.

- This may be the key. Dope, drugs...
- Contraband.

- Exactly, Walters. Come along to the station.
- Right.

It seems I'm surrounded by incompetents.

I'm sorry, sir, but the police
must have been watching the place...

-and they took the bombs off me.
- Go on. Not likely.

Now, about you.

Do you think Pepper suspects you at all?

Not for a minute.

My partner.

Where does he find the time?

Women are expected
to be changeable creatures.

So who am I to change our image?

Well, I think that's very wise, as a rule.
But it's just that...

- Did I ask for a drink?
- No, but I did.

You don't need the music, either.

Don't need the music.

Come here.

Tell me.

Can you only deal with women by numbers?

Well, it's just that...

Come now, Mr. Pepper,
where's that celebrated cool?

I just blew it.

Shall we try it again, then?

Oh, no...

You've been bugging again, Crabbe,
despite my specific orders!

But you cannot use normal methods
in this area, Commissioner!

I get 90% of my information this way, sir.
If you'll allow me, sir.


Hey, boss, I got a little newsflash for you.

We planted another bomb
in the police station.

Evacuate the--

No, don't you worry, sir.
I'm up to their little tricks.

They know that I'm bugging them.
This is their idea of fun.

- You sure?
- Absolutely, sir.

There are no bombs in this station.

Relax, Commissioner, sir.
Have a cup of tea while you're here. Walters.

I can definitely assure you, sir,
there are no bombs in this station.

Yes, Commissioner...

Salt and Pepper hoaxed us twice yesterday,
as I expect you heard.

You can take it from me, sir,
that today there is nothing to worry about!

I was only kidding!


Why did you really come by?

For two reasons.

That's the first.

I like the first.

That's a nice reason.

Hey, there's Dove!

So what? We're leaving London, remember?

We've got to warn him.
He's the only one left alive on that list.

Come on, let's get the plane tickets.

Look, there's the girl. The one
who planted the bomb in your place.

- Do you still want to warn him?
- She may be going to kill him.

Maybe he's on their side.
That's why he's walking around alive.

- Let's get out of here!
- We know the score!

Chris, we tried to blow the whistle,
nobody listened to us!

- What more can we do?
- Follow Dove and the girl.

No! We've taken enough chances.

Charlie, this may be difficult
for you to understand, but...

It may sound funny, corny,
but once in a while, I get awfully British.

A million lives are at stake.
You understand?

It's okay. You go ahead.



- Glad to see you.
- Glad to see you, too.

I didn't want to get on the plane, you know.
I don't wanna be the first one in.

- You can't even get a drink.
- Yeah, it's very difficult.

Yeah, it always is. Come on.

- Follow that car!
- Why?

Why? Because they're
the bad guys, dumdum.

And hurry!

Williamsport Military Training College?
What's he going in there for?

Maybe he wants to get his rifle cleaned.


What's up, lads?
What are you doing up there, then?

I was just showing my American friend
some of the more beautiful English sights.

In that case, I suggest Piccadilly Circus.
This is government property.

Right you are, Constable.

Right you are, sir. Absolutely right.

Dove. And how is
our new Minister of Education?

Well, thank you, Prime Minister.

Splendid. Make yourself comfortable.

There's tea and some
rather nasty sandwiches over there.

Thank you. I don't mind if I do.

I think Balsom would be very interested
in this.


Incredible inexcusable inefficiency!

They know nothing, Prime Minister.

They're just two frightened men
who have gone into hiding.

You'd better be right, Woodstock.

And now your afternoon news.

The atomic submarine Hercules
docked at Holy Loch this morning.

The submarine,
which is the first to be equipped...

with Britain's new
long-range atomic missiles...

- That's it!
- What's it?

That's what Mai Ling said. She didn't say
"hollyhock." She said "Holy Loch."

- What was that date?
- June 3.

Holy Loch, June 3.
The Polaris docks, then they hijack her.

Balsom. I'm gonna use that phone
down the road.

- See if you can hear any more.
- All right.

A warrant has been issued for the arrest
of Christopher Pepper and Charles Salt.

Salt, the entertainer,
is believed to be of African descent.

The charges relate to unauthorized
possession and use of high explosives.

Scotland Yard is now conducting
extensive inquiries...

Sorry, just passing through.
Marvelous car, marvelous!

- Well?
- I can't get him. I'll call the police.

No, don't you do that. Come out here.
They've got a warrant for our arrest out.


On account of the bomb.
I heard it on the radio just now.

Well, in that case, Charlie boy,
we are on our own.

On our own? You mean, you and me
against all of them guys?

You're looking at a very unhappy African.

- What?
- Never mind.

The mother and all four babies
are doing well.

And on that cheerful note,
we end this news.

Now please tune in
for our next news at 9:00.

People of Great Britain...

here is an announcement
of the greatest importance.

You are asked to tune in
to the unused Channel 14 at 7:00 tonight...

when the Prime Minister
will address the nation.

I'm not speaking at 7:00 tonight, am I?

No, Prime Minister.

- Relief crew has reported aboard, sir.
- What relief crew?

Sir, the crew which is just coming down.

Do as you're told and nobody will get hurt.

I said do as you're told
and nobody will get hurt.

Where are you going?

We're one of them. We're going inside.

- Who?
- One of the guys of the submarine.

You know, one of you.

The bomb.

Show me your numbered pass.

Just forgot it, did we?
I tell you, I usually have it in my...

- You get better all the time!
- My pleasure!

Will you watch it?

Come on, leave it.

Take him off the leash, come on.

The first results show that the whole nation
is primed.

Despite official denials,
millions will be tuned in to watch you.



Prime Minister, I forgot to tell you.

The lever to signal the Hercules
to launch the missile...

-will be next to you in the TV booth.
- Understood.

When the outgoing Prime Minister...

has announced
the government's resignation...

you'll be joined here
by your personal guard...

and then go to Number 10 Downing Street.

- The end of a long dream, Woodstock?
- Yes.

- Well, let's get on with it.
- Right, sir.

A missile!
Those guys must be nutty as fruitcakes!


- Left!
- Shoot!

- Salt!
- What?

My Pleasure!

Hold it!

Hold it! Now, don't use that gun.

I want them alive.
And find out how they got in here.

Right, sir.

There's got to be a way though, Chris.
We're still alive, aren't we?

I don't know why.

- Hey!
- What?

Why the television?

- Prime Minister, two minutes to telecast, sir.
- Right.

Excellent! But I still think
we should put more emphasis...

on our doing it for the people.
Our love of them.

I don't know why we need
all this sentimental stuff.

It's easy to seize power, Bob, but it's easier
to hang on to it if they're happy.

All right, I'll do as you suggest.

- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.

Either nothing will happen at all...

or it's just some crazy advertising stunt.

If it is, the advertisers can expect
a very nasty budget.

- Thank you, Thomas.
- The top switch, sir.

We've got the fuse, the dust.

We grind the heads of the matches
into a fine powder...

we mix with the dust, put the fuse in,
compress it all very tightly--

What are you raving about?

The smallest bomb in the world!
We can blow that door lock off like that!

It's nearly 7:00.

- Do you know something, Charlie?
- What?

This just might work.

Stand by, sir, the telecast is about to begin.

You're on now, sir.

People of Great Britain,
this is your Prime Minister speaking.

It's Bob Weedingham!

I claim to be your prime minister
because I and my new cabinet colleagues...

will shortly be taking the reins
of government from the hands of those...

who are leading this beloved nation
of ours...

to a new war
and inevitable nuclear annihilation.

Has he gone mad?

I must tell you frankly,
that in order to save our country...

we are forced to resort to extreme measures.

A specially trained crew of our supporters...

has therefore seized the Royal Navy
Polaris submarine Hercules.

Damn it, those idiots did know something.

I am giving the incumbent Prime Minister
exactly 30 minutes...

in which to publicly tender his resignation.

Failing this, with the deepest regret...

I shall pull this lever which you now see.

This is a signal,
which will order the Hercules...

to destroy with a nuclear missile...

one large center of population
somewhere in the British Isles.

A truly dreadful threat.

But better a million dead now
than our whole nation eventually destroyed.

Lest anyone think
that this is some idle bluff...

I am now signaling the submarine...

to fire an atomic missile...

at the uninhabited island of MacCraw
in the Outer Hebrides.

- Hurry up, will you?
- Yeah.

Now let's get these matches
and light the fuse.

- Give me one of the good matches, will you?
- What? Yeah.

One of the good matches.

- Charlie.
- Yeah?

I ground them all up for the bomb.

Good, give me one of the...
You ground them all up for the bomb?

- We ain't got one left?
- We don't.

- Nothing in the box?
- You told me to grind them up.

I know.

I can't get over it. The one--

Now that's what I call karate.

Hey, over here.

Thank you.

Not me, you dummy.

You dare to challenge the Marquis de Vain?

"Beat, pass, send you aslant, asprawl
Then as I end the refrain"...

Watch this one, baby!
Here it comes! "Thrust home!"

Pepper! Where are you?

Over here!
What are you doing in that tower?

I saw this movie once,
where two guys were...

We will bring you peace and prosperity,
such as you have never known...

a guaranteed future for your children.

What took you so long?

- I told you not to wander away. You okay?
- Yeah.

- Let's get out.
- Good.

I'm sure when you, my people,
learn of our intentions...

you will welcome us with open arms.


All right, I'll be down.

Your right!

All right, use your weapons.
But don't shoot to kill.

I still want them alive. All right?


Gone will be all talk and threats of war.

We shall return to a secure
and peaceful way of life.


I'm sure that we can rely on your support.

One, two, three!

- And at that time, I--
- Stop!

- You know Big Bertha?
- Yeah!

Well, this is a long shot.

- What are you gonna do?
- It's our only hope.

Come on, baby!

For God's sake,
pull that lever and release the missile.

- Wait, I've given my word.
- If you don't do it now, you idiot, I will.

How dare you threaten the Prime Minister?

All right, thank you very much
for a great welcome!

All I can say is that
it's great to be back home!

Three cheers for Sir Christopher
and Sir Charles!

- Hip hip...
- Hurrah!

All right, see you tonight! Bye!

See you later.

Here, these are for you.

Well, Sir Charles, how does it feel?

Well, Sir Christopher,
it feels absolutely beautiful!

- Doesn't it, though?
- I tell you, I can't get over it!

That was a nice thing you did for Crabbe.

What's a new Jaguar among friends?
He promises to be our friend now.

I can't get over it. You and me at the palace.

- Something, wasn't it?
- They were so nice to us.

They're such nice people. Natural, charming.

- And he's much taller than I ever imagined.
- No taller than you today.

Thanks. He was interested in
all the things we did, wasn't he?

Did you see him? Compact time bomb!
I thought he'd take it apart.

- I've never seen...
- What is it?

Wait a minute.
How did that get in my pocket?

- I haven't seen that since the Chinese--
- It's ticking!

- Charlie, will you stop--
-it's ticking!

Don't be silly. It is ticking!

Over here with it, come on, hurry up!
Clear the area! Over here!

A drain!

Oh, no!

One moment please, gentlemen, Sir Charles.

Move your car!

No, it's quite all right, gentlemen,
I'm allowed to park here now.

He won't listen.

But I'd like to thank you. She's a beauty!

Here he comes!