Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2011) - full transcript

HARRIET: Dear Dr. Jones,

I act on behalf of a client
with access to very
substantial funds

who has indicated a desire
to sponsor a project
to introduce salmon

and the sport
of salmon fishing
into the Yemen.

I would like to seek a meeting
with you to identify

how this challenging project
might be initiated
and resourced.

I might add that
the Foreign and
Commonwealth Office

supports the project
as a symbol of
Anglo-Yemeni cooperation.

Yours sincerely,
Harriet Chetwode-Talbot, Ms.

Fitzharris & Price
Investment Consultants.

(PHONE RINGING)



Night. Have a good evening.

You, too.
Say hi to soldier boy.

We're just friends, you know.
We've only met
a couple of times.

Yeah, you tell me
that on Monday.
Shut up.

Hello.
Hi. It's great to see you.

Yes. Me, too. Sorry.
Yes?

Yes.
You, too.

(HARRIET LAUGHS)

No, "Yes" is a start,
that's fine.
Stop it, I'm so nervous.

Why are you nervous?

I don't know. I'm trying
to be very sophisticated
and grown-up.

Right. No, grown-up,
absolutely.

Mmm.
Quite right, yeah.

Harriet.
Yes?



Last one to the
restaurant pays.

What?

Oh, you bastard.

FRED: Dear Harriet
Chetwode-Talbot,

thank you for your e-mail.

As a fisheries specialist,
permit me a word or two
about salmon.

Migratory salmonoids
require cool, well-oxygenated
water in which to spawn.

In addition,
in the early stages of
the salmon’s life cycle,

a good supply of fly life
indigenous to the northern
European rivers

is necessary for
the juvenile salmon,
or parr, to survive.

Some considerable distance
from the Indian Ocean,

or indeed the Red Sea,
as I am sure you are aware...

(READING)

Fundamentally unfeasible.

Yes, yes.

(READING)

We therefore regret

that we are unable to help you
any further in this matter.

Yours, Alfred Jones, Doctor.

I've put duck liver pâté
in your sandwich.

Oh, that's lovely.

Righto. I'm off to bed.

Already?

Airport car's coming at 5:00.
Righto.

Um, I'll maybe have
another wee pass
at the, er, caddis fly paper.

You could read it
on the airplane.

Up to my ear
in reports, darling.
I'll read it when I'm back.

Right, then. Good night.

(HARRIET MOANS)

Oh, my God, I don't do this.
I don't do this.

No, I can tell.

I haven't done this
in a really long time.

Okay.
(EXHALES) I'm so shy.

Okay. No, I'll sleep
on the sofa.
No, I'm so shy.

Look, Harriet,
I mean it. I...
Shut up. (CHUCKLES)

You were saying.
You're shy.

(SIGHS) I am shy and quiet.

Like Hitler.
I'm serious.

Robert, I...

Don't do this
and then forget me.

I just don't wanna be
an army barracks joke
in the morning.

Please be nice to me.

Harriet, I'm serious, too.
I mean it.

So if you want me
to sleep on the sofa,
then I'll...

If you say, Captain Mayers,
one more time
you'll sleep on the sofa,

you'll bloody well
sleep on the sofa.

Captain Robert Mayers,
3-6-4-7-7-2.
(LAUGHING)

ROBERT: Oh!

(PHONE RINGING)

Maxwell. Better be good.

MAN: Mrs. Maxwell,
we have a situation.

What?
Code Red in Afghanistan.

Go to sleep.

(TURNS ON TV)
Oh.

Tell me that's not a mosque.

Oh, well, it is
a religious establishment...

Of course it's
a bloody mosque!
Well, of course...

PETER: What's up?
Go to sleep.

...make this
a joint operation.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The British have
absolutely nothing to do
with this whatsoever.

And I want every single man,
woman, child and goat
in Afghanistan to know that.

My God, I didn't think
we could make the war in
Afghanistan any less popular,

but, hey, even I can be wrong.

We'll have Vera Lynn
strapping on her suicide belt
in sympathy next.

Bravo, the bloody Marines.

Right, you lot.

We need a good news story
from the Middle East,
a big one.

And we need it now.
You've got an hour,
get on with it.

(CHATTER)

PATRICIA: Oh, good news, eh?

(PHONE CHIMES)

PATRICIA: New girl band,
Middle East tour.

Maybe. Maybe.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Touch my body
No, no... ♪

PATRICIA: Uh...
Okay, um...

Maybe not. No.

British trans-Arabian rally.
Hmm.

Oh, for God's sake.

Come on, come on.
Come up with something.
What's this?

A project to introduce
salmon fishing to the Yemen.

Salmon fishing.
Salmon fishing in the Yemen.

(TYPING)

Is that the best you
puffed-up Oxbridge-educated
moronic buffoons

can come up with?
(PHONE RINGING)

Yes? Oh, yes, Prime Minister.

Um, well, no,
I'm working on it right now.

I think, um, I may have
come up with something
that, er, you'll like.

PATRICIA: Salmon fishing.
Salmon fishing.

Are you dollies trying
to get me fired?

Oh, well, here we go.

Fish it is.

Morning.
Good morning.

Morning.
Morning.

Morning.
Hello.

(FISHING LINE WINDING)

(INTERCOM BUZZES)
BETTY: Mrs. Maxwell
on line one, sir.

Busy.

She says it's urgent, sir.

(SIGHS)

Maxwell who?

The press officer
to the Prime Minister, sir.

Patricia.

Oh, they haven't
pensioned you off yet, then?

Listen, I got the heads-up
from the FCO about this

salmon fishing in the Yemen.
Fancy it?

Well, I, er...
We do.

Chasing a good news story
out of the Middle East.

Anglo-Yemeni relations
back on track.

Arab-Western cultural détente
through the ancient sport

of yanking poor sodding
fish out of rivers.
What do you reckon?

Well, it's a bit of
a long shot, to be honest.

Well, don't be honest.

Lunatic's an oil sheikh.
Got money pouring
out of his arse.

Good friend of the West.

Good friend of the Party, too,
so give it a go, eh, dolly?

Well, we'll certainly,
er, bend every sinew
to the job, Patricia.

I'll set up a working
party immediately.

PATRICIA: What?
MAN: Hey!

Don't you "working party" me,
you short-arsed
little pen-pusher.

I did not say
kick it into the long grass.

I said do it!
(DISCONNECTS CALL)

Yes, Patricia. Right...

...away.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
BETTY: Mr. Jones?

Morning, Mr. Jones.
Ah, good morning, Betty.

I trust you had
a nice weekend.
Yes, thank you, Mr. Jones.

Mr. Sugden would like a word.

Would he indeed?
What do you think of that?

Oh.
It's for the
caddis fly report.

Need something racy
for the cover.

Something to rev up
the YouTube generation.

I know it's not quite
what we would expect
from a scientific paper,

but we must keep up
with the times, Mrs. Burnside.

Mr. Sugden asked
to see you, Mr. Jones.

I'm not too sure
that I don't have a picture

of a caddis being eaten alive
by a spider somewhere.

There it is.
Oh, that's a beauty.

What do you think
about that for...

BERNARD: Good God.

Little too much, do you think?

No, not if you're making
a horror film.

Look, this e-mail
about the salmon thing.

Oh, yes. Did I miss
April Fools' Day or something?

Did you like my little swipe
at the Foreign and
Commonwealth Office wonks?

Yeah, well, I just
had another e-mail
from the FCO today.

Rattle their cage, did I?

Look, you wouldn't take
a meeting with her, would you?

This Chetwode-Talbot woman.

She represents this
Sheikh Muhammed bloke.

Why would I want to do that?

Why would I want to traipse
across London to discuss
that nonsense?

I've very important work
to do here, as you can
very well see.

Yeah, well, the FCO,
in their infinite W,

feel that a meeting
on this is important
business, too, Alfred.

Lord, the tendrils of this
busybody government.

(SIGHS) Dr. Jones,
as your Operational
Line Manager,

I am asking you
with extreme prejudice

to take a meeting
with Harriet Chetwode-Talbot.

Oh, I take it that's an order?

Take it how you wish.

Nazi.

Wanker. Morning.

Dr. Jones?

Er, Miss Chetwode-Talbot
is expecting me.

Yes, it's a bit of a mouthful.
Do call me Harriet.

Oh. Oh. Er, nice to meet you.

You, too.
Do you want to come with me?

Yes.

HARRIET: Do come in.

Please, sit down.

Yeah, anywhere you like.
Would you like tea or coffee?

No, thank you.

So...

(HARRIET CLEARS THROAT)

Fitzharris & Price, er,
represent the sheikh's assets
in this country,

including a number of estates
in Scotland.

Um, he's a very keen
fisherman, so he asked us
if we would...

Water.
Sorry?

Water, Miss Chetwode-Talbot.
H2O.

Do you want sparkling
or still?

Not for me, for the fish.

Fish require water.
You are familiar
with that concept?

Yes. I am, yes.

So, to save us both a lot
of time, let me keep this
brief and simple.

Here it's very cold.
lt rains a lot.
Mmm.

Here it's very hot.
lt doesn't rain a lot.
Do you see the difference?

Well, you're pointing to
Saudi Arabia, Dr. Jones,
not the Yemen.

You seem to be deliberately
missing the point.

With respect, er, not really.

You see, unlike Saudi Arabia,
parts of the Yemen

get up to 250 millimeters
of rainfall a month
in the wet season.

lt gets the edge
of the monsoon, you see.

And the dry season?

Well, interestingly,

recent oil explorations, uh,

have uncovered
a number of very large
freshwater aquifers,

which could sort of recharge
the wadi in the dry season
using a dam.

I'm sure they could.

So, when he's built his dam,
why don't you get back
to me then?

Completed,
couple of years ago.

Long-term plan is to irrigate
thousands of acres of desert.

Uh, we could grow watermelons,
maize, cotton.

Now you're going to tell me
it isn't hot in the Yemen,
too, aren't you?

Well,
in the mountainous areas,

the nighttime temperatures
get down to well
below 20 Celsius.

And, of course,
I defer to your expert
knowledge, Dr. Jones,

but I do believe
that Pacific salmon get
as far south as California.

Temperatures are not
too dissimilar there.

Water.
For the fish.

No, for me.
Of course.

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Yes, Dr. Jones?

FRED: This is
plainly ridiculous.

There's just no way
that salmon can survive
in those sort of environments.

If your sheikh wants to pour
his money down the drain,

why doesn't he buy himself
a football club or something?

Look, Dr. Jones.

I don't really think
it's my place to explain
the sheikh's motivations.

But I will say this,

that of all of our
wealthy clients,
he is different.

I would go so far
as to describe him
as a visionary man.

A visionary?
Yes, I know,

it's not a very
fashionable word,

but if you decide to take
this project with us,

then you can
judge for yourself
when you meet him.

My line manager asked me
to come here

and take this meeting
to discuss your project

and that I have done.

I thank you for your time,
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

I'll see myself out. Goodbye.
Oh.

Thank you.

(GIGGLING)

FRED: Did you get my e-mail?

Yes. What did it say?

Took the meeting.
Waste of time, as predicted.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'll get back to my work.

Uh, Dr. Jones.

What is this?

P45.

I'm sorry, I don't...
I don't understand.

Oh, well, a P45
is the official document
given to an employee

when his services
are no longer required
by his, or her, employer.

Yes, but, Bernard,
this has got my...

Or you can sign this letter

stating that you are delighted
to assign yourself,
exclusively,

to the Yemeni
salmon fishing project
with immediate effect.

It's up to you.

But, Bernard,

you know as well as I do
this thing is a bloody joke.

There's no way
you can get salmon
that far up a...

Just there.

This is blackmail, Sugden.
This is a bloody outrage.

Fitzharris & Price
will be paying your salary
while on secondment.

Almost double what it is now.
I'd say that's
a bloody outrage.

Double? Can I have time
to think about this?

Nope.

Can I borrow your pen?
No.

It's my special one
with the italic nib.

Hey.

(BANGS DESK)

(CLASSICAL QUINTET PLAYING)

Hold it, hold it. Hold it.

Brian, what...
What have you got
in bar seven?

(HUSHED) I should
have resigned.

You can't afford to resign.

Matter of principle.

I have a standing
in the scientific community,
Mary. A reputation.

You have a mortgage.

CONDUCTOR: Two, three, four.

FRED: Maybe I should resign.
(THUNDER)

We could have a baby.

Why not? You could stay
on at work and I could
bring up the nipper.

I could take him
to the park and to school.
I could take him fishing.

What do you think?

Hmm? They're really losing
the plot in Geneva.

One minute
they're buying euros,

the next minute
they can't ditch them
fast enough for dollars.

They're panicking,
and guess who they want
to bail them out.

I can't imagine.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Say a command.

Shut up.
Say a command.

What were you shouting
about back there?

Nothing.

Say a command.

FRED: Oh, Mary. (PANTS)

Ooh. Oh, Lord.

Well, that should
do you for a while.
(GROANS)

FRED: Oh!

Thank you, Mary.

Good night.

Night, dear.

(RAIN POURING, FAINT THUNDER)

(PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Oh, Jesus.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, good morning.

Yes, Staff.

I've gotta go.

Now?

Yeah. That was the call.

Sorry.

ls it Afghanistan?

It's somewhere sandy,
that's for sure.
(CLEARS THROAT)

I'll go get some tea.
No, look...

No, it's all right,
Robert. It's...
No, no, come here.

Look, the last few weeks...

This is good.

Wonderful.

I'm not gonna lie to you.
I don't know how long
I'm gonna be.

Will you wait for me?

Now go get that tea.

Oh, you bastard. (LAUGHS)

FRED: Well, firstly,
we would need to trap
10,000 salmon

from the North Sea,
for the sake of argument,

get them to the Yemen alive,
don't ask me how,

where they would be deposited

in temperature
and oxygen-controlled holding
tanks built into a wadi

that would, hallelujah,
open during the rainy season,

allowing the salmon
to migrate upstream for,
say, 10 kilometers,

which would allow your sheikh

to hoick them out of the water
to his heart's content.

Of course,
until the dry season,

when they will all

die.

Well, unless we feed the wadi
all year round using the dam.

Of course. Stupid idiot man.

Why not use precious
water resources to support
one man's sport fishing?

So, now that we have
year-round water,

why not build some
gravel spawning grounds,

breed the world's first
Arabian salmon,

and teach the clever
fellows to migrate
to the lndian Ocean...

Wonderful, wonderful idea.

...singing, "Step we gaily,
here we go. Heel for heel
and toe for toe."

Rough cost?

Cost?

Cost.

Forty million. No, 45...

Fifty million.
Dollars?

Dollars.
Dollars.

Er, or pounds.

Pounds. Mmm-hmm.

At least.

So it's theoretically
possible?

Well, it's theoretically
possible in the same way

as a manned mission to Mars
is theoretically possible.

(SIGHS) It's very impressive,
Dr. Jones.

No, it's not.
It's nonsense. I...
Look, I just made it all up.

No, the drawing.

Real talent,
if I might say so.

Excellent start.

So I suppose we should
just crack on and get
things started now?

You can't hold me to this.
I mean, these are just
random ideas.

I mean, this is
a sort of joke.

Well, I'm sure you wouldn't
joke about a 50-million pound
project, Dr. Jones.

Not when you're
in charge of it.

Well, the sheikh is
so looking forward
to meeting you,

and he'll be back
in the next couple of weeks.

So, in the meantime,
is there anything else
that I can do for you?

Well, as a matter of fact,
there is.
Mmm-hmm.

Could you arrange a meeting

with the hydro-engineering
team from the
Three Gorges Dam?

Er, the one in China?

ls there another?
I...

British Oxygen Company.
A meeting with them as well.

And then, what are those
great big transport
aircraft called?

The big Russian military...

Antonovs.
Mmm.

Find out about renting
two of those,

one for the fish and one
to carry all the money
that we're going to need.

When that's done,
I'd be delighted
to start working.

Good day, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Good day, Dr. Jones.
(CHUCKLES)

(MAIRI'S WEDDING PLAYING)

♪ Step we gaily on we go
Heel for heel and toe for toe

♪ Arm in arm and on we go
All for Mairi's wedding

♪ Over hillways up and down
Myrtle green and bracken brown

(WHISTLING)

♪ Past the shieling
through the town
All for sake of Mairi ♪

Mary!

Up here.

Boy, did I put a hurricane
up that Chetwode-Talbot woman.

You would have laughed.

I told her I wanted
a meeting with the
Three Gorges Dam team from...

Where are you going?

Geneva. I told you.

You... You didn't say now.

Well, I am. Tomorrow.

Well, how long
are you going for?

Six weeks, to start with.

Six weeks?

There's no need to shout.

Six weeks, though, Mary.

This is a big chance for me.
I'll be heading up
the whole operation.

Well, you could say
"Congratulations."

Great.

Enough is enough.
It's job or marriage.

You've got to make a decision
and make it now, God damn it.

There are planes,
you know, Fred.

And I get
Sundays off. Mostly.

You can get
all your horrible old
fishing stuff out again.

Didn't even ask me.
Just went and did it.

I know. I'm sorry.

lt just suddenly seemed
like the right decision.

Maybe for both of us.

Fred, I don't want
to leave on bad terms.

No. No.

I'll open a bottle
of something fizzy. Okay?

NEWSREADER ON RADIO:
Reports are coming in
from Afghanistan

of a British soldier
killed while on duty
in Helmand Province.

An improvised explosive
device detonated

during a routine search
in a local village. This...

(CHANGES RADIO CHANNEL)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

PATRICIA: The Minister
for Culture's been
photographed doing what?

Naked or clothed?

Boy or girl?

How old?

Oh, Jesus.
Well, at least she's legal.

Press statement from us
saying that we're a party
of policy not personality,

uh, concentrating
on the real issues

of getting this country
back on track in times
of economic hardship

and not tabloid
sensationalism, et cetera,
et cetera, et cetera.

Meanwhile, get the useless
arse on the front page
of every paper

apologizing for being born,

big spread in Hello!
with blonde forgiving
wife and cute kids.

If they're not cute,
find a horse or something.

Joshua! Hood.

(SUCKS TEETH)

Don't you suck your teeth
at me, young man.

I'm not one of your bitches
from the Baltimore low-rises.

You feel me?
I'm your fucking mother!

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, got to go. Meeting.

Oh.

HARRIET: Dear Dr. Jones,

the sheikh has requested
your company at his estate
in Glen Tulloch

to discuss the salmon
project further.

Please advise which dates
would suit you best.

Many thanks,
Harriet Chetwode-Talbot,
Fitzharris & Price.

(INTERCOM BUZZES)

BETTY: Mr. Sugden
would like to see you
in the canteen, sir.

Up his arse
with a meter ruler.

Thanks, Betty.

Which one is he?
Uh, over here.

Fred. (CLEARS THROAT)

Can I introduce
Patricia Maxwell?

She is the Prime Minister's
press officer.

Hello.

(PATRICIA SIGHS)

Fifty million from
Sheikh Muhammed thingammy.

It's the first-stage payment
on research development

for the salmon
fishing project.

The PM's keeping
a close eye on this one.

It's just what
we need right now,

a bit of Anglo-Arab news
that isn't about
things that explode.

I want to know,
is it a goer?

Goer? Well, look,
the complexities.

I mean, I barely know
even where to begin,

but, well, just for starters,
we would need
10,000 live salmon.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Oh. ls 10,000 salmon a lot?

Well, if they're to come
from British waters,

and I don't see where else
they're gonna come from.

I mean, you would
need the permission
of the Environment Agency.

Oh, that's your
job, Bernard.

Okay, so you get on
to the EA and get
this man his salmon. Hmm?

Miss Maxwell. Ms.
Mrs. Happily married.

Details in Who's Who.

Mrs. Maxwell,
there are two million
fishermen in the UK

who are, I would say,
unusually protective of...

How many?

Two million.
Two million?

Yes.
(GASPS) Bloody hell.

Two million out
there waving their
little rods around?

FRED: Uh-huh.

Are they the kind
that vote our way?

They vote for those that best
look after their fish,
in my experience.

I bet they do,
I bet they do.

Whoo! Right, so,
Prime Minister

on the front cover
of Fishy Weekly or whatever.

Best friend of
the British fisher folk.

Spearing a leaping salmon.
Oh, I like this. (CHUCKLES)

I like it a lot.

They do have magazines,
these people? They can read?

Aye, the Angling Times,
Trout and Salmon,

Coarse Fishing Monthly,
Bassmania.

Bassmania?

Marvelous.

(LAUGHING) Marvelous.
That's marvelous.

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)
Ooh. Ooh.

This has just become
a priority project.

Anything I can do,
just give me a call.

Two million.

(MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND)

God, men, what a species.

I don't think she got
the right end
of the stick there.

Your call,
I think, Bernard.

Ten thousand native
Atlantic salmon on my desk
by Friday, please. Ta-ta.

Yeah, well, you'd just better
come through on this, Jones.

(TYPING)

It's been a long time
since I was back.

HARRIET: Oh, yes?
A long time.

You see?

ls that where he lives?
Yes.

He has many estates,
but this one's his favorite.

May I present Malcolm,
the butler.
Hello.

This is Dr. Jones.
Welcome to Glen Tulloch, sir.

His Excellency thought
you might like to avail
yourself of the fishing

while you're waiting.

Oh.
(MAN CHANTING IN ARABIC)

Thank you very much.

(MEN CHANTING IN ARABIC)

May I present
Sheikh Muhammed
bin Zaidi bani Tihama.

This is Dr. Jones.

It's a great pleasure
to meet you, Your Excellency.

To meet the creator
of the Woolly Jones,
the pleasure's all mine, sir.

Oh. That's very kind.

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot,
do you realize that
for more than 10 years

I have fished with
a Woolly Jones?

Really? What's a Woolly Jones?
(CHUCKLES)

Dr. Jones invented
a famous fly.

Well, it's a sentimental habit
that some fly-tiers have

of calling a fly after...

Anyway, I don't approve
of that sort of thing
normally, but...

Woolly Jones.
It's a great name.

A bloody good fly,
that's for sure.

Please allow me
to show you a delightful lie
just around the corner.

Absolutely. Lead on.

You think I'm mad?

No, Your Excellency. I...
Of course you do.

I would question your judgment
if you did not.

Though I have judgment
enough to know

that under there lies a fish
much cleverer than I.

I'm a great admirer
of the British,
for many reasons,

but still there
are mysteries to me.

The rich are frightened
of the poor.

The poor are frightened
of the rich.

And even your politicians,

they try to sound like
the people on the EastEnders.

Ah.

A wonderful program,
but still.

Yes, the great
British class system.

SHEIKH: Indeed.

But fishermen,
I have noticed,

they don't care whether
I'm brown or white,
rich or poor,

wearing robes or waders.

All they care about
is the fish, the river
and the game we play.

For fishermen,
the only virtues are patience,
tolerance and humility.

I like this.

You are struck dumb
by my naivety, Dr. Alfred.

No, you're on.

What?
You're on.

(GRUNTING)

SHEIKH: This is a sign.
A sign?

A sign that
I should stop talking
bollocks and fish.

(FRED LAUGHING)

Come here.

Nicely done, sir.
Thank you.

Very nicely done.

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Oh, hello, Dr. Jones.

ls that yours?

The dress.
Uh, yes.

Oh. This is not mine.

lt suits you very well.

Thank you.

They seem to know my size.
Mmm.

That not strike you
as a wee bit sinister?

The idea of the sheikh's
tailor tracking me
across London

with some kind of
satellite measuring device?

They asked me
for your size.

And I took a guess.

Oh.

Well, for future reference,

I have a 32-inch waist,
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Right.
Not a 34.

No pies for me.

Note taken, sorry about that.

Thank you.

Ms. Harriet has told me
of your marvelous plan.

Plan? Well, not so much
of a plan, really,

it's, uh, more of
a feasibility study.

Theoretically possible,
you said, Dr. Jones.

Theoretically.
Indeed.

lt would be a miracle of God
if it were to happen.

I'm more of a
facts-and-figures man myself.

You're not a religious man?

No. No, I'm not.

SHEIKH: But you're
a fisherman, Dr. Jones.

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

How many hours
do you fish before
you catch something? Dozens?

Oh, gosh, hundreds
sometimes.

ls that a good
use of your time
for a facts-and-figures man?

But you persist in the wind
and the rain and the cold

with such poor
odds of success.

Why? Hmm?

Because you're a man
of faith, Dr. Alfred.

And in the end,

you are rewarded
for your faith and constancy

with a fish.

With due respect, uh,

fishing and religion
are hardly the same thing,
Your Excellency.

With equal respect,

I have to disagree.

A toast?

To faith.

And fish.

To faith and fish.

And science.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And science.

You're unhappy tonight,
Ms. Harriet?

No. (CHUCKLES)
I'm fine, really.

I have too many wives
not to know when a woman
is unhappy.

Though mine are not
so quiet about it.

Um...

Robert, he's
my boyfriend, has just
been posted to Afghanistan.

Uh, or somewhere.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

For how long?

Mmm. They don't really
tell us things like that.

How worrying.

I just try not
to think about it.

SHEIKH: And you
are married, Dr. Alfred?
Indeed.

lt is kind of her
to spare you.

Oh, my... My wife's actually
working abroad at the moment
in Geneva, so...

So you two have more in common
than one might suppose.

(HARRIET LAUGHS)

I have put my feet in it.
Please forgive me.

Perfect moment
to retire to bed.

Good night.
Good night.

Thank you
for a lovely evening.

You're welcome.

Dr. Alfred.
Your Excellency.

I know you have been
persuaded to help us,

but unless you do this
with an open heart,

I don't think anything
will come of it.

So, please, consider.

Of course.

I hope we meet again.

Dr. Jones.

Yes?

Well, I was just wondering
what you thought.

Well, the sheikh's English

has a certain tendency
towards the mystical,
don't you think?

But then,
doolally as this entire
enterprise clearly is,

I've had the most pleasant
day I can remember having
for quite a long time.

So, if the sheikh is paying,
as it were, on we go.

Great.

Good night,
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Good night, Dr. Jones.

It's been a pleasure.

Yes.

Have you any idea
what an outcry there would be

if the Environment Agency
stripped British rivers
of 10,000 salmon

and shipped them off
to the effing Yemen?

Well, how many can you spare?

None!

Christ, Bernard!

Anglers, they're obsessive
crazies. Hmm?

You think Al Qaeda
are a threat,
think again, mate.

I've seen a fly fisherman
wade into a river

and try and drown a canoeist
just for passing by
in a Day-Glo jacket.

You haven't got a hope in hell
of getting these fish
from British rivers.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Yes?

Dr. Jones. Hello.
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.
How nice.

Did we book a meeting?
No.

You know how you said
that you wanted a meeting

with the hydro-engineering
team from the
Three Gorges Dam?

Did I say that?
Yes.

That might have been
a little hasty.

They're outside.
Who?

The chief hydro-engineering
team from the
Three Gorges Dam.

Here?

I e-mailed them about
the flow rate calculus,

and I think there must have
been some kind of...

My Mandarin is very rusty.

Bloody hell.

We are able to control
the flow of water from
the upstream dam.

(TRANSLATES IN MANDARIN)

But we are...
(TRANSLATES)

Well, we're concerned
about the capability
of the sandstone walls.

(HARRIET TRANSLATES)

I mean, there's
the possibility also of
some flash-flood scenario.

(TRANSLATES IN MANDARIN)

FRED: Thank you very much.

My God, do you think
we got away with it?

Do you know, I think we did.
I'm so sorry, Dr. Jones.

No, please don't apologize.
I think we've just found
our engineers.

Yes.

I mean, should the project,
of course, get that far.

Your Mandarin was much better
than I expected.

HARRIET: Thank you.
Bernard Sugden,
Head of Department.

Hello.

Alfred not bothering you
too much, I hope?

No.

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot
from Fitzharris & Price.

Hello.

Bet he doesn't even know
your first name, does he?

So, who were all those
little chippy-chappies, huh?

Those are the engineers
from the Three Gorges Dam.

What, the one in China?

ls there another?
Don't think
there's another one.

Would have appreciated
an introduction.

Bernard is the man
who's responsible

for acquiring our 10,000
native Atlantic salmon.

How's that coming along,
Bernard?

Don't you worry
about that, Fred.
It's, uh, all in hand.

Well, don't dilly-dally.
Our end is coming along.

We're bang on schedule,
in fact.
Yes. Mmm.

A debrief in the canteen,
or has Fred brought in
the famous sandwiches?

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot and I
are going out for lunch,
Bernard.

There's lots to discuss.

Clare, could you ask Betty
to bring my bag? Thank you.

CLARE: Certainly, Dr. Jones.

Are you sure
you won't have one?

At lunch time?

(SIGHS) Dr. Jones, I haven't
spoken a word of Mandarin
for about four years,

so I am celebrating
even if you're not.

I only drink alcohol
on the weekend.

And even then,
only after 7:00.

No exceptions?

None that I can think of.

Well, yeah. I got...
We got married on a Friday,

but I think it was,
as I recall, a bank holiday
in Northern Ireland,

so I allowed myself, I think,
a glass on a technicality.

That was an attempt at a joke,
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, right.
Good one.

Do you really think
it's going extremely well?

What?
The project.

Oh, the project.

Well, it's utter nonsense,
of course,

naturally, the bagatelle
of a man with more money
than sense, but...

I haven't actually
found anything to say
that it couldn't work.

You know, theoretically,
of course.

ln theory. Well,
theoretically speaking,
in theory it...

We'll see, yes.
Of course.

Actually, these are
the companies that have
bid for the contract

to build the holding tanks
at the downstream end
of the wadi.

Shall we go through these?
Now?

Yes, we could go
through them now.

Well, we could work
and eat, no?

Yes, I... Yes,
all right, then.

This one's from...
Before that, cheers.

Cheers.
Very bad luck with water.

Some people think
it's bad luck.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

EWB...
Ooh, sorry. Excuse me.

Ooh, it's the barracks.
Oh, it's Robert.

Sorry.
Oh, no. Go on.

Hello.
Go ahead.

Hello?

Yes?

What?

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Are you all right,
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot?

He's missing in action.

What does that mean?

Come upstairs
and we'll get you your...
No, I just need a minute.

Hello. My name's
Harriet Chetwode-Talbot.

Well, I only knew him
for three weeks,
but I am Robert's girlfriend.

Um, I was wondering
if you knew anything...

Of course. Yes.

Sorry, Mrs. Mayers.
Yes, I...

Yes, of course. Goodbye.

(PHONE RINGING)

(ANSWERING MACHINE)
You've reached
Harriet Chetwode-Talbot.

Leave a message
after the beep.
(BEEP)

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot,
it's Dr. Jones here.

Please forgive me
for calling you
on your home number.

I was at something
of a loss.

I realize that this
has not been an easy
week for you but, uh,

I was wondering when
you might be coming back
into the office.

I had a very
productive meeting

with the engineers
from British Oxygen Company

and, uh, well, there's
a lot of data coming in.

Really a considerable amount.

I'm sure I don't have to
remind you that we are
working to a deadline.

Time and tide, as I
am sure you are aware,
waits for no man.

Or woman.

Anyway, I look forward to
hearing from you at your
earliest convenience. Goodbye.

(KNOCKING)

Oh.

Can I come in?

Why?

Well, you might get cold.

Very nice.
What?

Your flat. Very pleasant.

Look, I'm not...
I'm not coming
into work, all right,

because I need
to stay here.

I need to be here
in case there's news.

So, actually,
anyone with a shred
of understanding,

or humanity,
or simple feeling,

who, frankly, wasn't suffering
from some kind of Asperger's,

would know that
the last thing that I need

is your bullying
little phone call

asking me to come into work
so that you can
update me on fish.

You want to fill
me in on fishing.

Well, Dr. Jones,

you can take your work
and you can shove it
up your unfeeling arse.

I didn't come here
to talk to you about work.

Then why are you here?

I made you a sandwich.

Why?

You're probably not
eating. Are you?

(SIGHS)

No. You see,
it's very important.

You, you must eat something.

Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Here.
(SOBBING)

I don't know what to do.

(SOBBING)

I don't know what
to do because...

I'm so sorry, Dr. Jones.

Call me, um, Fred.
Just call me Fred.

You're all right now?
Yeah.

You all right?

Sorry.
No, don't.

Oh, why don't I get a plate
and we... You can put this
on a plate.

Shall I do it?
No, it's okay.
I'll do it.

I'm so sorry about
what I said before.
That is just unforgivable.

The great thing about
people with Asperger's

is it's very difficult
to hurt their feelings.

So it's all right,
you can say whatever you like.

You don't have...
You know, I was upset.

And rightly so.

Look, I took the liberty of
buying a wee bottle of wine.

Now, I hope you don't mind.

I know it's not the weekend,
but this one goes
very well with duck.

I'm not very hungry.

Harriet, you've got
to try and eat...

ls it all right...
ls it all right for me
to call you Harriet?

(LAUGHING)

(SNIFFLES)

Um, my father is, um...

He's ex-Army,

so he's like very stiff
upper lip and don't make
a fuss about anything,

but I'm more of a gusher.

I think that's his word
for me, anyway.

My upper lip's never been
very stiff, I'm afraid.

But you still
have a boyfriend.

I mean, I don't know
a great deal about
such things, but...

Robert hasn't been listed
as being dead, has he?

No. But I just feel that
"missing in action" is
Army-speak for...

Dead? No.
No, as a civil servant,
I happen to know that

the Ministry of Defense
absolutely hate uncertainty
of any kind.

If he were dead,
they would simply say "dead."

Can you stop using
that word, please?

Oh, I beg your pardon.
It's okay.

They say that they'll call
when there's news.

But they don't,
so I guess there isn't.

Come to the Yemen.

We're leaving tomorrow,
just for a few days.

Geological studies,
engineering surveys.
No.

We even have a team
of archeologists

checking we're not
about to submerge
the Ark of the Covenant,

which would be unfortunate,
you know.

No, I can't leave
because there might
be news and...

Well, then, you'll fly back
on the sheikh's private jet
immediately.

(HARRIET LAUGHS)

Why would he do that?

Because I asked him to.

Your services are
very highly valued
by the sheikh,

and by me.

Uh, the project really can't
do without you.

(SIGHS) Oh,
who the hell cares?

Project? I mean, it's fishing.
You know, who the hell cares?

Well,
strangely enough, I do.

I mean, I know it's probably
just a terrible folly,

but, still, I can't help
sometimes imagining that this

crazy enterprise
might just come off.

You know, with a bit of luck
and with the right people.

And you,
you are most definitely,
most definitely

one of the most
rightest people

that I've had the good
fortune to come across.

If you'll forgive
the grammatical inadequacies
of that sentence.

HARRIET: Do you sometimes
think that maybe we're just

part of a lavish
practical joke?

FRED: What do you mean?
Salmon, here?
Mmm.

FRED: Yes, I'm beginning
to suppose that.

(GOATS BLEATING)

(MAN SHOUTING IN ARABIC)

(MEN PRAYING IN ARABIC)

I don't know anyone
that goes to church anymore.

Mmm. I don't think
I do, either.

On a Sunday,
we go to Target.

You know, this gravel here
is perfect for salmon
to lay their eggs in between.

Who'd have thought that here
in the middle of the Yemen,

perfect spawning grounds
for salmon?

(BOTH SIGHING)

(MEN CHATTING IN ARABIC)

Fred, look.

What?

FRED: Oh, yes.

HARRIET: Thank you.
FRED: Thank you.

Harriet, the water.

It's beautiful.
It's cold.

The water in
her well is cold.

Oh, my goodness.

It's really happening, Fred.

Oh, my goodness,
it really is.

(MAN SHOUTING IN ARABIC)

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

SHEIKH: Unbelievable.

These men, they say that
by bringing water, life,
to this desert,

I am bringing the Western
ways to our land.

They say I have
insulted God himself.

I say they are fools.

(SIGHS) A thousand apologies,
my friends.

Please, this is not
a way to introduce you
to our great enterprise.

Look.

ls it not, uh, magnificent?

It's beautiful.

Certainly is.

Bloody amazing.
(HARRIET CHUCKLES)

Hello.
Hello.

(INAUDIBLE)

For the last time, Sugden,

there is absolutely no way
I can get you these fish.

Tom, this comes
from the top.
The very top.

I don't care if God's

taken up fly fishing.

Now, I suggest
you make this work, Tom.

Is that a threat, Sugden?

These are difficult days, Tom.
Cuts. Cuts everywhere.

I don't know.

ls the Environment Agency
a frontline service?

Oh, that is a threat.

See it as an opportunity.

Well, then. (SIGHS)
An opportunity.

Hilary, get me Matthew Sweet
from Fly Fishing Monthly,
will you?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

HARRIET: That's all
I've been told, and so I...

Okay. All right, then.

Well, please, please,
please call me when...

Okay. Bye.

I'm so sorry.
Did I wake you up?

No. No, no. Uh, news?

No. No, I was just, um,
leaving a message
on Robert's phone

which is ridiculous
because he hasn't
got his phone with him.

And I know that.

Just turning
into a madwoman.

No.

No, when things get
tricky in my life,
I talk to my fish.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I have a pond.

Talking to an answering
machine is no madder
than chatting to koi carp.

I just somehow wouldn't
associate you with having
a tricky life.

Well, it wouldn't do
to talk about your emotions
with a colleague,

would it, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot?

No, I think...

I think things are
beyond tricky, really.

They have been for some time.

Mary's in Geneva. I'm here.

The koi carp
are alone in Surrey.

We got married very young.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

I didn't really know
things were hard.

No, don't apologize.
There's always hope.

For me and for you.

Do you know,
I can't even remember
what he looks like.

Not exactly.

But I'm stuck and...

I can't move on.

Does that make any sense?

Yes. Totally.

I feel a bit like
I've been stuck for years.

Yes, but you can move on.

Well, in...
I suppose in theory.

You should be happy, Fred.

(HARRIET SIGHS)

I knew you'd have a pond.

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

The traitor has had
his chance.

You know what to do.

Do not fail us.

ANGUS ON TV: I think the idea
of taking Scottish salmon
to a foreign country

is absolutely absurd.

These fish have been
running these rivers for
tens of thousands of years.

I've fished the rivers
of Scotland all my life.

Yes, Prime Minister.

lt would appear that
the gentle fisher folk are not
so effing gentle after all.

...rape and pillage
of our national rivers...

PATRICIA: What,
ditch the whole thing?

No. No, no, no,
Prime Minister.

No, we must just find
the fish somewhere
bloody else. I mean...

Ooh!

Your turrets are blocking
my reception.

Well, I'm terribly sorry
about that, madam.

If you'd care
to follow me, please.

SHEIKH: Mrs. Maxwell.

(SIGHS) Pleasure to meet you.
It's an honor.

(GASPS) Ooh.
Happy birthday, Patricia.

Oh, yes, we could do
with a few more
like you in Cabinet.

Very good, Your Excellency.

I'm grateful, indeed,
that you could spare some time
for our little project.

Oh, yes. Well, we have gone
out on a bit of a limb
for you, Your Excellency,

but the Prime Minister
does love his fishing.

Really?
Yes. Rod's never out
of his hand.

Anyway, down to business.

The fish. The salmon.
We're not gonna get it
out of British waters.

There's a bloody big fuss
about it, as no doubt
you've heard.

Don't know what it is about
fishing. Anyway, no-goer.

Yes, but I thought...
However,

I have solved your problem.

PATRICIA: See? There must be
thousands in this one alone.

This guy's got four fish farms
up and down the coast.

Stocks all the Tesco's.
Right under your nose.

These fish were bred
for the dinner table.
It's barbaric.

They've never run
in their lives.

Neither have their forebears
for two generations.

Why would they run for us?

...tasting the difference
in these salmon...

FRED: We'd open the sluices

and they would just
drift off downstream
never to be seen again.

Well, get a couple of days
fishing out of it,

then just re-stock
or whatever the word is.

Seems to be no
shortage of them.

FARM WORKER: ...in transit
for the supermarkets.

SHEIKH: These fish
will never run.
They're just not right.

Not right? Well, a fish
is a fish is a fish, isn't it?

No. You see,
Mrs. Maxwell, I have a vision.

Tired, bloated pretenders
are not part of this vision.

Well, unfortunately,
Her Majesty's Government
also has a vision,

and that vision
is farmed fish or no fish.

Then I must thank you
for your precious time.

And decline.

No advisers, either.
Back at your desk
on Monday, Fred.

Well, in that case,
I resign.

PATRICIA:
Resignation accepted.

Thank you.
PATRICIA: Pleasure.

SHEIKH: So,
this leaves us with what?

FRED: Well, with no salmon.

We must have faith,
Dr. Alfred.

Well, that's a very
laudable sentiment,
Your Excellency,

but we're running out of time.

Can't catch faith
with a fishing rod.

HARRIET: Hello, Fred.

Sheikh Muhammed
bin Zaidi bani Tihama!

(ESSAD SHOUTS IN ARABIC)

(EXCLAIMS)
(GUNSHOT)

(MEN SHOUTING IN ARABIC)

Are you okay?
Are you okay?

I didn't think he looked
right, that man.

And he pulled out a gun!
Are you all right?

Yes.
Are you sure?

Yes.

Thank you.
Thank you, Dr. Alfred.
Thank you very much.

Don't be silly.
Don't be silly.
lt was only a cast, really.

A very good cast.

An essential cast,
one might say.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Yes, I suppose
one might say that.

Here.
My God, Fred.
Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah. lt was very quick.
lt was over in a flash,
really.

How did you do that?

I did a right-handed
snake roll. Did I get him?

HARRIET: Yes,
it was extraordinary.

Are you all right?
Yes, thank you very much.

Please, continue your work
as if nothing had happened.

Of course, of course.

I owe you my life.

Oh, no. Please, come on.
Anyone would have...

This is not one of those
British metaphors, Dr. Alfred.

The debt will be repaid.

Bye, now.
Goodbye.

Bye.

In response to the Right
Honorable Member's question

of the 7th of last month,

the Ministry of Defense
can now confirm

that an engagement by
British Special Forces

against known terrorists
did occur on the 13th
of September.

The details of this operation
are classified.

However, I am
at liberty to say

that serious casualties
were incurred
by the British forces.

I deeply regret to inform
the House that there
were no survivors.

An internal investigation
is being carried out.

(HARRIET SOBBING)

(SOBBING)

Sorry to wake you up.

No, don't be.
It's just...

It's okay.

It's just...

I just never got the chance
to really know him.

Mary?

Fred? Oh, there you are.

I had no idea you were...

I got a day off and thought,
"Why not surprise him?"

I've got this wonderful
Swiss mountain Comté

from a little shop
round the corner in Geneva.

ls everything
all right, Fred?

Where's your suit
and tie? Day off?

I resigned.

Don't be ridiculous.

You've resigned?

What about your pension?
It's final salary.

Well, the government
pulled out of the
salmon fishing project

and we'd put a lot of time
and energy into it.

I didn't want
to walk away from that.

"We"?

Well, everyone involved.

I'm still being paid,
if that's what
you're worried about.

Fitzharris & Price
have been more than...

I might have known
she'd be involved.

If you're referring
to Harriet, we're working
on the project together.

Of course she's involved.

Harriet?
What do you mean
exactly by that, Mary?

I've seen her photograph
on the Fitzharris & Price
website.

You're making a fool
of yourself.

Now it's you
that's being ridiculous.

Oh, am I?

I'm not the one abandoning
a decent, highly respected job

for a joke fishing project
and a short-skirted
office girl.

She's not an office girl.
What is she,
then, Fred? Hey?

Just what is she?

She's a colleague.

She's a very talented
colleague and...
And?

And a friend!
She's just a friend!

Are you in love with her?

I've done nothing, Mary.
Uh, I have no expectations.

I didn't ask about
your expectations.

I asked if you were
in love with her.

This is a mid-life crisis.
It's textbook, it's pathetic.

I'm so sorry, Mary.

You'll be back, Fred.
Or you'll try.

Six months and you'll be
begging to be taken back in.

It's in your DNA.

You'd think a bloody scientist
would know that much!

(ECHOING) Six months
and you'll be begging
to be taken back in.

It's in your DNA.

FRED: We don't need
native river fish.

We'll be all right
with farmed salmon.

Oh.

I know. I don't much
like them, but...
Mmm.

Well, they will run.
I know it.

Oh, yes, Your Excellency.

Uh, despite our moral
and philosophical objections,

farmed salmon will run.

I'm absolutely sure of it.

You are tireless, Doctor.

You have uncovered
some new research?

A new paper, perhaps?

No, I just know it.

You just know it. I see.

Faith, Dr. Alfred.

Damn it. Yes,
all right, then, faith.

So?

They're alive.

(ALL SHOUTING)

CHARACTER ON TV:
Ow, that hurts!

(PHONE RINGS)

Sorry, sweetie.

MAN: Mrs. Maxwell?
What?

Amazing news.
One of the officers
presumed dead,

Captain Robert Mayers,
has been found alive.

Oh, good.
Yes, we're very pleased.

Yes, very good.

It's very good news
for the family.

And his girlfriend,
Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

Wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Who else knows about this?

You're the first to know.

Right, keep it that way.

Total press embargo.
Do you understand?

Yes, Mrs. Maxwell.
That, uh,
salmon fishing thing.

ls that still happening?

As far as I'm aware.

lt is?
Yes.

Yemen?
Yes.

Perfect.

Oh, yes, this is all
coming together very nicely.

(INAUDIBLE)

(TYPING)

(PRAYING IN ARABIC)

SHEIKH: I intended to create
a small miracle.

Something to glorify God
and bring our tribes together.

Sometimes I wonder if
we haven't created something
that glorifies man.

lt is a very fine line.

Hubris, Dr. Alfred.

Hubris.

(CHUCKLES) It's nice here.
Beautiful.

You know, Fred, this project,
it saved me. I think.

You know, with everything
that happened.

So those farmed fish
had better run.

Oh, I believe they will.
You do?

Yes, I believe that it's in
the very core of their being
to head upstream

even if they never have,
even if the parent fish
never have.

Look at this.

Look at that.

Mary said something about me.

She said that I was
genetically programmed

to return to a dull
pedestrian life with her.

That it was in my DNA.

Do you think that you are?

No. No, I belong here.
I always have done.

Harriet.
Yes.

I was wondering
about you and me.

The theoretical possibility
in the same way

as a manned mission to Mars
is a theoretical possibility.

Obviously.

Or salmon fishing
in the Yemen.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

Yes?
Yes.

I just need a little time.

Of course, of course.
All the time you want.

Thank you.

Mr. Foreign Secretary.
Brian Fleet.

The great fisherman.

The great... Well, it has been
a little while, to be honest.

A bit rusty, you know.

Some skills
are never forgotten.

Please, follow this
man to your tent.
I shall join you shortly.

What have you been saying?

Fishing's the last thing
anyone's gonna be
interested in, trust me.

Get ready for the photo op
of a lifetime, Sonny Jim.

N-S-R. No salmon required.

ls that, um, a Woolly Jones?

No, this is a new one
I've invented.

ls it?
Mmm-hmm.

What's it called?

This one is called
the Chetwode-Talbot Beauty.

That's very nice.

It's true.

You're not being funny?

No, I don't have
a sense of humor,
as you recall.

That is true.

Beautiful.
Yes, she is.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

Here.

Thank you.

Don't you think
we should be doing
something, Fred? Preparing?

I am preparing.

HARRIET: Well,
for the whole thing, you know.

Everything's done, Harriet,
it's fine. Just relax.

Did you just...

Dr. Alfred Jones
just told me to relax.

(SIGHS) What is the
world coming to?

Oh, my God.

Harriet.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Right, Harriet and Robert...

(JOURNALISTS CLAMORING)

Right, okay.
Shut up, hacks.

No military stuff.
It's classified.

Anyway, I don't think
you'd understand it.

The only thing you need
to know is that this man,
Captain Mayers here,

is a war hero.

(JOURNALISTS EXCLAIM)
Human interest stuff
only. Sir.

Harriet, can you tell us
how it feels?

(STAMMERING)
lt feels like it's a...

It's a... It's a shock,
but it's wonderful.

Please can we have a kiss?

JOURNALISTS: Go on. Come on.

(JOURNALISTS EXCLAIMING)

I am sorry,
my friend.

No. No, it's, um...

It's a miracle.

Indeed.

Nevertheless, I'm sorry.

All right, gentlemen,
gentlemen, I think that's all.

A little privacy
for the couple, please.

I'd just like to say
that the British government

is proud to have played
a small but significant part

in this extraordinary reunion
of Harriet and Captain Mayers.

BRIAN: That's what
we're here for.

This is strange.
Mmm.

Bad strange?

No, good strange.

Do you mind if we don't...

No, of course not.

There's no rush.

Will you just hold me?

How did you get caught
up in this, H?

Salmon fishing out here?
It's ridiculous.

Well, you never know
with the sheikh.

Hmm.

I expect there will be
a six-star hotel and a golf
course before you know it.

That's not his style at all.

(ROBERT CHUCKLES)

Don't you believe it.

He's gotta make
his money back somehow.

They're no fools,
these Arabs.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

ROBERT: You don't sleep,
either?

No, not much.

Well...

At least there's no
bloody journos around
at this time, anyway.

You've been very good
to Harriet, Fred.

I appreciate it.

I love her.
(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, she's great.

She's really great.

No.

I love her.

Oh.

Does she love you?

I don't know now.

Yesterday, you weren't alive.

Well, I apologize for
not being dead in a ditch.

I don't think I can
accept your apology.

ls that a joke?

(SIGHS)

Yes, yes, sort of. I'm not...
I've never been
very good at jokes.

It's all right,
Robert. Really.

It's all right.

(SHEIKH SPEAKING ARABIC)

The day has arrived.

Before the dam,
this was a dry riverbed.

And now, as you all can see,
we have water.

And today, we hope
we shall discover
the one missing thing.

So, thank you,
one and all, for coming

as not one of you,
not even my dear self,

knows if this curious
experiment of mine
will actually work.

lt better had bloody work.

Doesn't matter if it
works or not, dolly.

All that matters is you.

Fishing on Sky tonight
with our war hero.

I haven't done this in years.
Oh, for God's sake.

There are
10,000 fish in there.

If you can't hook one of them,
you can just flip off
back to Transport.

My intention is to color
this desert in green.

Make an agricultural
industry for my people,

and the sons and daughters
of my people for generations
to come.

Right on cue.
SHEIKH: So here we are,

Muslims, Christians
and the odd heathen.

We are all gathered here
in an act of faith.
And why not?

And now, the moment
that we are all waiting for,

the fruits of all our efforts.

The moment of truth.

Open the sluices.

Where's it going?

It's going the wrong way.
It's heading downstream.

Wait a minute.

It's turned around.
Wait. Wait, wait.

HARRIET: Look,
they're going upstream.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my God, they're running.
Fred, look.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Look!
(SQUEALS)

They're running, Fred!
They're running!

Oi, blondie. Come down here,
come on. Come down here now.

Look, we ought to get
a picture of him
with the sheikh.

It's working,
Your Excellency.
lt is.

They are running
upstream, look!
(SHEIKH LAUGHING)

Let's go fishing, Dr. Alfred.

Turn it on, dolly.

I need to get further out.

Oh, for God's sakes.
Come on, off you go!

Have you got that?

Yes, Mrs. Maxwell.
But can we get them
closer together?

God, I'll give it a go.
Robert, darling.

Can you come...
Can you turn around a bit?

I'm worried about
what he's doing with his rod.

(CHATTER)

Lovely. And, Brian,

just a nice smile,
that would be good.

Did you get that?

God, he's useless, isn't he?

More fun without waders,
Dr. Alfred.

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

I think I caught one,
Dr. Alfred.

It's a beauty,
Your Excellency.

(GRUNTING)

(WATER RUMBLING)

Look out behind you!

Your Excellency, behind you!

(EXCLAIMS)

(PANICKED SHOUTING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

SHEIKH: Step up.

(GROANS) No, you first!

I repay my debts, Dr. Alfred.

Okay. I'll pull
you up. After...
Okay.

(GRUNTING)

Here, Your Excellency,
hold on. Here, come on.

(MEN PRAYING SOFTLY)

FRED: We won't need
these anymore.

HARRIET: I just don't
understand who would do this.

Why would they do this?

SHEIKH: I know who.
And I know why.

Can't you find them?
Arrest them?

What for?

Justice.

I think these destroyers...
Bad men, certainly.

But I think perhaps
they have a point.

I expected people
to understand what
we were doing here.

I expected them to see
that it was really not
about fishing at all.

(SIGHS) ln the end,
I asked for too much.

Will you try again?

The question is
"Will we try again?"

This was ours.

Yes, I think maybe Robert
wants to go home.

So, I don't...
I don't know.

Does home call, Dr. Fred?

I don't really have
a home anymore.

There was a moment
when I had everything, but...

Well, now I don't know
what to do.

When the time comes,
you will know.

Well, until then.

Thank you.

Just gonna say
goodbye to Fred.

Are you sure?

Sorry?

Listen, Harriet.

When I was in the desert,

the only thing that kept me
going was the thought of you.

You don't owe
me anything.

I want you
to understand that.

(SIGHS)

So, um...

We're going.

I'm so sorry, Fred.

lt was an extraordinary idea.
lt almost worked, too.

I wasn't talking
about the project.

No, I'm not sure that I was.

I never meant to hurt
you like this.

It's not your fault.

I don't know what to do.

I can't help you there,
I'm afraid.

HARRIET:
Are you going to stay?

FRED: Stay for what?

There's nothing
here anymore.

Not you, not a single fish
left in the river.

Well, someone's gonna
have to make a move.
Good luck, Harriet.

Dr. Alfred, look!

(GASPS)

They're alive!

(EXCITED CHATTER)

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

I'm going to stay.

I want to start again.

I'll do it on
my own if I have to.

(STAMMERING) I'll start small,
though, this time.

A different approach.
Just a few fish to begin with.

Involve the local
community more.

Make it their project,
not ours. That's the way
to protect it.

Do you need an assistant,
Dr. Jones?

Well, I suppose I will.
I'm sure the sheikh
has somebody that...

An assistant?

A partner.

Yes, Ms. Chetwode-Talbot.

More than anything.

(WHERE YOU GO PLAYING)

♪ Over and under everywhere
you go

♪ You are my song, every note
I will follow

♪ Tell me your secrets, I'll
keep 'em close to my heart

♪ Every high, every low, oh no
power could take us apart

♪ Give me your story,

♪ I'll give you mine

♪ Don't care where we're going
anywhere you are will do

♪ Don't need nothing else as
long as I'm here with you

♪ Feeling your heartbeat,
holding the rhythm close

♪ Knowing you're happy changes
the entire scope

♪ Give me your story,

♪ I'll give you mine

♪ Don't care where we're going
anywhere you are will do

♪ Don't need nothing else as
long as I'm here with you

♪ Don't care where we're going
anywhere you are will do

♪ Don't need nothing else as
long as I'm here with you

♪ Don't care where we're going
anywhere you are will do

♪ Don't need nothing else as
long as I'm here with you

♪ Don't care where we're going
anywhere you are will do

♪ Don't need nothing else as
long as I'm here with you ♪