Safari 3000 (1982) - full transcript

(horses neighing)

- Howdy, ma'am.

(helicopter whirring)

- Well Miles,

ready to test my cars?

- Sure.

Didn't come all the way to Africa

to hunt elephants.

Let's just cut the crap and start drivin'.

- (speaking in foreign language)

(speaking in foreign language)



- Gentlemen,

start your engines.

(engines growling)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(tires squealing)

(tires squealing)

(crashing)

(exploding)

- Yoo-hoo, Minenza.

- Little heavy on the brakes there, Duke.

- Count.

- Right.

- Miles, I brought you here
to Africa to be the driver

of my second car in the rally,



not to humiliate me.

The fact is, Miles,

we Borgias have special ways

of dealing with impertinence.

However, as I respect your
skill as a stunt driver,

I will be merciful.

You're fired.

- You can take your car and shove it up

your aristocratic ass.

I'm gonna be in that rally, Duke.

- Count.

- Yeah, right.

- Americans,

a graceless people.

- Mm.

- Thank you, I'll have you call him back.

- [JJ] Morning.

- [Receptionist] Hi, JJ.

- Morning, Ruthie.

- Hi, JJ.

- How's horrible Harry today?

- Well, (chuckling)

I'll tell him you're here.

- No no no, let me surprise him.

(delicate orchestral music)

- [Harry] Very funny.

What do you want this time?

I want to give you a great story.

Okay?

Now listen to me.

A friend of mine is driving

in the African International Rally, right?

And he wants me to navigate for him,

now is that a story?

- Terrific.

We just paid for the truck you wrecked

when you played teamster.

And the DA still refuses to drop

the soliciting charges against you.

- Harry, if you want to
write about teamsters,

you drive a truck.

You want to write about prostitutes.

- Do me a favor, will ya?

Take a couple of years off.

Write a book.

- Harry, this story is a natural for you.

Look, it's an action piece, right?

It's got animals, it's got cars,

it's got exhaust fumes, it's
got Africa, it's got racing.

I mean it's an action piece, right?

It's not an expose, there's
no risk involved here.

Just a straight coverage
story, and plus I'll be

13,000 miles away.

- [Harry] Alright already, go.

Just go.

- Fabulous.

- JJ, I'm warnin' you.

You screw up on me this time.

- Yes, I understand.

Just a minute, Harry.

Uh, Ruth.

Would you please send a cable for me

to Freddie Selkirk,

Post Office Route 2,

Chi-Tum-Buh, Walaba Republic,

Africa.

The message is, "Arriving
Monday, Flight 332,

"Love, JJ."

(spirited orchestral music)

- [Voiceover] Ladies and gentlemen,

we will soon be arriving
at Matumba Airport.

We hope you've had a pleasant trip

and thank you for flying Sabena Airlines.

(spirited orchestral music)

(chattering)

- [JJ] Excuse me, but
you could tell me where

I could rent a car?

- [Attendant] Right inside the terminal.

- [JJ] Thank you very much.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Yeah?

Okay, operator, I'm ready.

(guns firing)

(exploding)

(guns firing)
(glass shattering)

(exploding)

(guns firing)
(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Freddie.

Hi, how are you?

Yeah, Fred, I can barely hear you.

- Yeah, we do seem to have
a bad connection, love.

Just hold on a minute, will ya?

(exploding)

(guns firing)

Sorry about that.

- Freddie,

are you having one of your wild parties

without me?

(chuckling)

Yeah.

What?

Wait a minute, how's the car?

(exploding)

Yeah, the car?

Yeah we might have one or
two problems with that.

- Well, how long is that gonna hold us up?

- It's hard to tell.

Things are a little
bit hectic around here.

- Hello, operator?

I think my party's been cut off.

- Hi, Ma'am.

- Hello.

- Aint that a hell of a car?

- Oh yes.

Is that a rally car?

- Yes, sure.

This sweet machine's done
a lot of race, ma'am.

She cruises, she moves.

The kids call it the go-go mobile.

Yeah, you can actually travel 24 hours

on a half a tank, no problem.

- Oh my word.

- Right.

- Could I see the engine, please?

- Engine?

Yeah, this a powerful engine, ma'am.

Moves like a son of a bitch.

(chuckling)

Here, um.

Alright let me show you somethin'.

(chuckling)

Just an old fan belt.

- Could I see it run, please?

- Run?

Okay, alright.

- Thank you.

(hissing)

- [Salesman] How's that, ma'am?

- What's all this smoke?

- Oh, nothin' to bother about,

just the plugs clearing off.

This car's been parked
here for a long time.

So when you start, it's
gonna have a lot of smoke,

and after that, it's clear and sound.

Smooth sailing.

- How much?

- Well, for you we'll make it

4,000 or

12 cows.

- 2,000.

(chuckling)

- Alright let's make it 3,000

or 10 cows.

- I got 2,000.

I got dollars, I got no cows.

Here.

Take it or leave it.

- [Voiceover] Car 57 to the marches area.

Car 57 to the marches area.

Tee Vee-Ite report to your equipment room.

Tee Vee-Ite report to your equipment room.

- Hey, Peter.

- [Peter] How you doin'?

- Okay.

- Glad to hear you left
the old stunt business.

- Oh, well.

- You're too good a driver for that game.

I did see the picture you did, though,

where you rolled the car seven times.

Tasty job, eh?

- Like it enough to let me drive your car?

- Come on, Ed, I can't take
a driver out for one race.

I'll tell you what though,
there's a American guy,

Lou Reiner, you know him?

- Heard of him.

- You might try him.

- 'Kay, thanks a lot, Peter.

- Good luck.

(laughing)

- [JJ] So what are you
gonna do, win this one?

- Oh yes.

- So listen, you wouldn't
happen to know a driver

who needs a car, would you?

- Try Lou Reiner, he's with
the American team over there.

- Oh, the guy in the blue jacket?

- That's right.

- Okay, hey, thanks a
lot, I appreciate it.

- Good luck, eh?

- There you go.

Okay.

- It's not a major problem with us.

It'll take 15-20 minutes maximum.

- [JJ] Um, Lou Reiner?
- [Ed] Lou Reiner?

- Yeah.

Uh, I'll be with you in a minute, huh?

What can I do for you folks?

- [Ed] I'm alone.
- [JJ] Oh, I'm not with him.

I'm looking for a driver.

- [Ed] I'm looking for a car to drive.

- Lou.

- Excuse me.

- So um,

Eddie, is that right?

- Yeah, right.

- Yeah.

Tell you what, I'll give you $300

for three days of racing.

- I don't care about the cigar money.

What kinda car you got?

- It's a good one.

- What kind of a good one?

- Look, it's a really sweet machine, okay?

- Sweet machine, huh?

- [JJ] Yeah.

- Well look, okay.

You got yourself a driver.

- Okay.

Listen,

how do I know how good a driver you are?

- Alright, move over.

- [JJ] What?

- [Ed] This isn't your
sweet machine, is it?

- [JJ] Oh no, this is a rented car.

- [Ed] Better fasten your seatbelt, lady.

- Hey, you don't have to
show me right now, you know.

Oh, wait, what the hell is,

what are you doing?

This is a rented car.

- Now I'm just gonna show
you a little drivin'.

- What what what what.

- You know, Rally is a serious business,

it's not just goin' around
in circles, you know.

It's not like race, it's
a really rough road.

You gotta go down hills
and you gotta go through

the water, you gotta--

- Who are you?

- [Ed] Huh?

- Who are you?

- Who am I?

I'm Eddie Miles.

You know what I mean?

I'm the real Burt Reynolds.

You know what I'm talkin' about?

Every time you see one of those guys,

it ain't him, honey, it's me.

- Look, would you please
let me out of this car?

Look, I believe you can drive,

I believe you can drive,

I believe you're out of your mind

now let me out of the car!

- You ever been to Chicago?
(tires squealing)

Have ya?

- I can't remember.

- Used to know a girl in
Chicago, used to talk like you.

Just like you, all the time.

See?

That's doin', isn't it?

(tires squealing)

- Don't look at me.

Watch where you're going.

I think you've made your point.

- Yeah.

You got to get a navigator.

Most of the good ones are gone by now.

- I'm going to navigate.

- You gotta be kidding.

- No, I'm not kidding.

I've had a driver's license since I was 16

and I've driven over
plenty of twisty roads

on the west coast.

- Are you tryin' to put me on

or are you just really that stupid?

- Let's just get this out in front, Miles.

You're not gonna make me lose my temper,

because I understand people like you.

(car honking
(screaming)

This is a rented car!

(laughing)

- Still want to be navigator, huh?

- Certainly need somebody
to keep you on the road.

(car honking)

(tires screeching)

(peaceful orchestral music)

- Ah Ms. Dalton, how did you find the car?

- Wonderful, thank you.

- Well then.

And here's your receipt.

- Thank you, sir.

- Thank you.

(crashing)

- This engine's shot.

You couldn't beat a crippled crab

off a lion with a thing like this.

- You just don't like it

because I picked it out.

- This is junk it goes.

Tires any good for anything, anyhow.

We get six good tires and
we put two of 'em inside.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Suspension's no good,

we gotta have new shox.

- Well, so it needs a little tinkering.

- Tinkering?

How'd you like to tinker
us up a new engine?

You got any money?

- I turned in my plane
ticket to pay for the car.

- Great.

Well, that makes it harder, but simpler.

We steal one.

- Oh, no no no.

You just include me out of that stuff,

you know what I mean?

I mean, all I want

is to get around that course

for three consecutive days.

I have absolutely no--

- This car won't last for
three consecutive days.

Look, I'm in this race to win.

I'm not gonna waltz
around the damned course

with you and your cameras.

Now look, why don't
you go put on somethin'

kinda tight around the ass,

and go interview somebody
while I steal his engine.

(chattering)

- [JJ] Oh, thank you so much.

What a delightful Ah-Rome,

aroma.

And a wonderful color.

- Beautiful, isn't he?

He was the runt of the pack, you know.

(chuckling)
Yeah,

there are seven others.

But, he's my favorite.

- Are they all here?

- Yes, some of them,

around and about somewhere, I think,

but Caligula,

he's always the first in.

He loves to lie down and sleep,

rest, play, as you can see.

- Oh yeah, he seems very playful.

Oh, my.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

What spectacular wine.

It's truly extraordinary.

- You're too kind.

The vineyards have been in my family

for 700 years.

One of my ancestors, Ches-Lee,

had red hair, you know.

He gave a banquet for 200 of his most

dreaded enemies and he poisoned
every single one of them.

I like to think that this wine

comes out of the same vats.

(chuckling)

Um,

well,

actually, I'm here to talk about the race,

Count Borgia.

- Lorenzo, please.

All my friends call me Lorenzo.

- Oh, well I'm very flattered.

Well, Lorenzo.

My readers are terribly
interested in what cars you drive.

- Only the best of course,
and they are very beautiful,

and you are also

very beautiful,

Ms. Dalton.

What does JJ stand for?

- Oh, that's an old family secret.

- [Count] Secrets, I love secrets.

- Well, maybe when we
know each other better.

- Yes, indeed, yes.

(snapping)

- Oh, my, how beautiful.

- Just a small token of
my affection and esteem.

- Oh, no no no,

I couldn't possib.
(clinking)

- I told you what would happen

if you humiliated me again.

You have transgressed against the Borgia.

Your life is of no value, go.

Go.

The ingrate will trouble you no more.

- Minenza.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Count, I mean, Lorenzo.

I would just be mortified to
think that I was the cause of

any sort of domestic problem.

- Please, do not distress
yourself, I beg of you.

He is taking the only action possible

for a man of honor, get on with it.

- Lorenzo, you (laughing)

joking.

(laughing)

You see.

- Get on with it!

- Farewell.

(screaming)

- Oh, fun's fun, but I.

Get on with what?

- What he is going to do.

Jump.

- Farewell!

(screaming)

- I have to go now.

I,

I have to go now.

- But, senorina.

(chattering)

- No, you don't understand.

I didn't know he'd really do it, you know?

I mean you've got to call the police.

I didn't know, I mean honest.

- Calm down
- [JJ] I didn't know

he'd really do it.

I thought he was just kidding.
- Calm down.

If you tell me what happened,

maybe we can stop it.

- His manager got him into a (mumbling).

What's a matter with you?

Just go out there and holler,

maybe he's still alive!

He was only, it looked the 15th floor.

Miracles can happen, I don't know.

- A man jumped out of the
15th, I don't understand.

- Yes he just jumped.

He jumped right out the window and

I couldn't help it.

Oh, God it was awful.

(screaming)

Oh.

I.

Um.

(chuckling)

Well, that's settled, thank you.

You know, I always thought car racing

was supposed to be glamorous.

Something's missing.

- What's missing is about $20,000 you need

for a new car.

- Well, with your enormous driving skill

that shouldn't be a problem.

(spirited reggae music)

- Good morning.

Desmond Fitzgerald here, Channel 4 Sports

at the start of the 5th
African International Rally,

the largest of its kind on
the continent of Africa.

There are 93 entries here
from all over the world

preparing to drive a
treacherous three day course

over 2,500 kilometers

of jungle, forest and mountain road.

In conditions varying from intense heat

to hazardous rain.

Of course, durability and
speed are the telling factors

in this grueling race.

It is predicted that less
than 20% of the entries

will actually finish the rally.

(spirited funk music)

We have here engine number
91, which I understand

is driven by a Mr. Eddie Miles.

Mr. Miles, you appear
to be having a little

mechanical trouble there, is that right?

- Take a walk, okay?

- Uh, yes.

- I'm JJ Dalton, I'm the
navigator of the car,

maybe I can help you.

- You navigate for Mr. Miles here?

- That's right, yes.

- Oh, it's very unusual to find a woman

navigating in a rally like this.

- Well, this is a rather
unusual circumstance.

- [Ed] Ow!

- Yes, I see.
(chuckling)

It certainly is.

Um.

- Actually, this is
extremely unusual, because

I'm really here, my function
is to cover the rally

for Playboy Magazine.

- To cover the rally for Playboy Magazine?

- Yes, right,

I'm doing a future article for Playboy

on the rally.

- I see, but you are
wearing clothes while you're

driving in the rally?

- Oh.
(chuckling)

- It's not that kind of coverage?

- No, no.

No, I write the words,

I don't have anything
to do with the pictures.

- I see.

Do you think you'll face
any particular problems

as a woman on a

rally as tough as this one?

- What do you mean?

- Well, I mean the bushes
on part of the course

of this rally are

rather few and far between.

- I'm sorry, I don't
understand what you mean.

- [Ed] Hey!

Let's go.

- [Newsman] Ah, yes, well,
excuse me, thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- [Newsman] I think your

driver can win, of course.

Thank you, bye.

- Two, one, go!

(engine roaring)
(cheering)

- With our wine and cheese.
- [Shorter Man] We will win.

- Andy's gonna drive to win thing.

- We will win.

(spirited reggae music)

- Of course, driving's like painting.

It's a beautiful, artistic experience.

- I know, it is like

the motorcar.

French, beautiful,

German engine, Japanese spark plug.

French, must be something French.

- One, go!

(tires screeching)
(cheering)

- Last year we did some
hang gliding in Hawaii.

Year before that we did sky diving.

Every year, something different.

Our husbands go to Vegas,
shoot craps and play golf

so we do our thing.

- Three, two, one, go!

(engine roaring)

- My name is Gomez,

Feodor Gomez (mumbling).

- I don't think this gentlemen
is all that interested

in your antecedents.

- My family was in
meat, I was a (mumbling)

in World War 2.

- [Newsman] I see.

Have you two been driving
together for long?

- Not really,

only recently the.
- [Gomez] 40 wonderful years.

- Two, one, go!

(cheering)
(engine roaring)

- Well, this is something

that I've never done before.

- [Newsman] Would you mind telling me

exactly why you're here?

- I'm here for the men.

- [Announcer] This next
one, ladies and gentlemen

is from Italy,

and the red-hot favorite to win.

Car number 16, driven by
International Rally Champion,

Count Lorenzo Borgia.

(engine roaring)

The Count is riding a Borgia special

with a custom built (mumbling).

- Sure make a great engine, Duke.

- 10, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two,

one, go!

- [Announcer] There he goes,

now let's hear it for the Count.

(cheering)
(engine roaring)

We have the last start,
competing in their first rally.

Originally driving for the Borgia team,

but now a private entry.

Eddie Miles of the USA and his navigator,

JJ Dalton, also from US.

They're driving a modified (mumbling).

- [Man In Orange Vest] 10, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, there, two,

one, go!

(cheering)
(engine roaring)

(triumphant instrumental music)

- Watch out, watch out, watch out.

- Woah woah.

Move move move move move.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- That is beautiful, eh?

- Huh?

It's wonderful, huh?

Monet could have painted a
beautiful painting of this, and--

- Four years to paint this tree.

- Could have painted with champagne.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Have you seen the American one's team?

- Yeah, I'm gonna get hold of the blonde.

- They're married, aren't they?

- All the better my son, all the better.

- Ah, you got no scruples.

- I wonder who the asshole was who

put the number on the side of the car.

- Probly that little short guy, Feodor.

- The one who hit on you last night?

- Yeah.

- (singing in foreign language)

Africa, where the lion
can rip up the gazelle

with one blow of his mighty paw.

(growling)

Where the elephant can trample,

where the buffalo can caw.

- Where the deer and the antelope play!

- I hate you.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Hurry up man, they'll
be here any minute.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Hurry it up man,

do I have to do everything myself?

- Yeah, Minenza.

- Small village, five kilometers.

No speed limit.

It's a small,

squiggly something.

And then we turn right.

- Wait a minute, what's
squiggly something?

- It's here, it's that, that thing.

- That squiggly thing is a river

with a bridge over it we've got to cross.

It's important for me to
know that, for Christ's sake.

- Bridge!

Hard ass.

- Woah!

I don't know if I can
get around 'em or not.

Maybe I oughta go under 'em.

- Are you sure that this
is a safe spot, Feodor?

- Minenza, I have made extensive study

of explosions and their aftermath,

and what we call the angle of debris.

This

is the safe spot.

- In that case,

we shall eliminate not only half

of the competitors in this race,

but we shall also teach Mr. Edward Miles

the true meaning of the
motto of the Borgians.

Ready?

- Ready, Minenza.

(exploding)

(laughing)

(creaking)

(yelling)

- Angle of debris.

(shuddering)

(humming)

♫ Careless love, careless love

♫ Careless love, oh careless love ♫

(humming)

♫ Careless love, oh careless love

♫ See what you can dream ♫

- [JJ] Oh, oh, oh dear.

Well what do we do now?

- What do we think we do?

We keep drivin'.

- What do you mean?

- I'll show you what I mean.

An old movie trick.

- Why did you stop the car?

- I didn't stop the car,

the car stopped itself.

- Well, why can't you start it again?

(engine rumbling)

Please start the car.

(engine rumbling)

Oh my God.

Oh I hate this.

Oh I hate this.

Oh!

- [Ed] (mumbling) Carburetor (mumbling).

- Please start the car.

- [Ed] I'm trying to start the car.

- I'm not talking to
you, I'm talking to God.

(engine rumbling)

- Aha!

(mumbling)

(laughing)

- The man is a maniac.

He does it for a living.

What did I expect, does it for a living.

(chuckling)

Certifiable.

(soaring orchestral music)

- Hey look just keep
your eye on the roadmap

will you, and stop checkin'
out the scenery all the time.

- Hey,

would you please stop
talkin' to me like that?

I'm your navigator, not your wife.

- Watch your language.

- [JJ] What?

What's that supposed to mean?

- Wife, that's a dirty word.

- What happened?

- Rather not say, it's
kind of embarrassing.

- Oh, come on, you can tell me,

I'm a grown human being, you know.

- Grounds for sexual perversion.

- What'd you do?

- Wasn't me, it was her.

- What'd she do?

- You don't wanna know.

- Look, I did some pretty raunchy things

in my time, too, ya know.

So I mean I don't,

I'm not judgmental about things like that.

- You're not, huh?

- No.

- What sort of raunchy things?

- Uh.

You know, things, the usual.

- Come on, what would you call raunchy?

What kind of things?

- I mean this is getting silly,

I mean you just drive the car,

and I'll look at the map, right?

Right?

- Got any pictures of yourself?

(sheep bleating)

Woah!

- [JJ] What happened?

- [Ed] I think we hit a goat.

Look at those guys.

- Are those guys for real?

- Here they come.

Let me handle this.

Hi, there, guys.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Look, I'm sorry about the.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- There's a turn up there, you know,

and I didn't.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Huh?

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Yeah, I'm sorry, but.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Oh look,

look I'm sorry about it.

I'll pay for it, okay.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- That's 200 bucks!

- (speaking in foreign language)

Huh?

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Alright.

- Get the money, get the money.

What, what.

- How 'bout this.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Motor drive, flash attachment.

Huh?

(clicking)

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Good, huh?

Yeah, pretty good, huh?

He likes it.

- He likes it.

I'm so glad.

- Let's get out of here.

Hey, we're comin' through, excuse us.

(engine rumbling)

- (speaking in foreign language)

- What did you get?

- It's a Nikon with a telephoto lens.

- Yeah!

- Just a minute.

Smile, alright?

(clicking)

- Well, we only lost eight minutes.

Not too bad for a near-tragedy, huh?

- Not to mention

$300 Nikon camera

with a $500 lens.

- Yeah.

Tell you one thing, though,

it's a good thing they didn't go

for my cowboy hat.

I would have fought for it.

Would have been a lot of trouble.

- I have to tell you something.

- Yeah?

- I may not understand
what you do for a living

and why you do it,

but I at least respect what you do

and what you use to do it with.

And all I ask

is that you give me the same respect.

That camera is a tool of my trade.

So the next time you go near my stuff,

just ask.

Alright?

Just

ask.

- Okay.

(shrieking)
(yelling)

(mumbling) What is it?

(gasping)

- It's a monkey, oh.

Yeah it's a monkey.

(laughing)

It's just a monkey that's scared, just

throw him out the window,
for Christ's sake.

- Come on.

He won't bite you, he's just a baby,

just a baby baboon for Christ's sake.

Came in through the window back there.

- Aw, he's cute.

Ow!

- Throw him out the window, alright?

- I'm not throwing him out the window.

- Yeah, he'll be okay,
just throw him out the,

here, I'll slow down.

- You would throw him out the window.

I'm not throwing any living
creature out the window.

I mean, for heaven sakes.

Look at him.

- Hey look, uh.

Look, we're not takin' a monkey with us.

We're not takin' a monkey with us.

Damn.

- God, he's just a baby,

besides, he's cute.

- Little baby baboon.

- Listen, I'm in the
car with a big baboon,

why not a baby baboon?
(laughing)

- Right, three baboons for the road.

(laughing)

(engine roaring)

- Ah, there are baboons on the road.

♫ Baboons are on the road

♫ What kind of sign is this

♫ Baboons are on the road

♫ Is this the end of bliss ♫

(engine roaring)

(tires screeching)

- [Man In White Coat] Hi, 91.

(monkey screeching)

Did you see that monkey in there?

- Probably helping with the navigation.

(laughing)

How many is that, then?

- 42,

and there will be that many tomorrow,

I promise you.

- [JJ] Sh sh sh sh sh.

- Miles and Dalton.

Two rooms.

- There's only one room left.

- No no no no, we have a reservation.

- [Hotel Manager] There's
only one room left.

- No, that's really quite impossible.

- Let me handle it, okay.

- Sign the register, please.

- Sure, partner.

Get out of here, will ya?

(monkey screeching)

- Don't we need two keys?

- There's only one room left.

- I love the way you handled that.

You know, if I didn't make
that reservation myself,

I'd swear you had something to do with it.

- No monkeys in the rooms.

This is a restricted hotel.

- Oh, I understand, but you see

she's really terribly well behaved.

- [Hotel Manager] No monkeys.

- Oh yes, okay well,

I'll just put her in the car.

- You do that, okay?

Thanks a lot, Jake.

(tribal drumming)

- Please get off my bed.

- Your bed?

Where am I supposed to
sleep, on the floor?

- I don't care if you sleep on the floor,

in the closet or in the bathtub.

This is my bed.

- [Ed] What the hell
did I do to get in this.

(monkey screeching)

Oh what the hell are you
doing with the monkey?

You're supposed to leave it in the car.

- I don't want to hear
another word about it.

- Well I'm going to dinner.

- Shower's in there.

- I don't need a shower.

Just a clean shirt.

- You need a shower.

- Get out of the way.

- Come here.

Baboon, baboon, baboon.

Hey, baboon.

Wah!

(Jazz drumming)

(moves into funky Afrobeat music)

- One drink, that's all I'm having,

then it's room service for me.

- I don't see the Count anyplace.

- I mean we're in that car all day

that does not mean that we
have to hang out at night.

We're not exactly joined at the hip.

- I don't trust that guy.

He's capable of anything.

♫ Baboons on the road

♫ What kind of sign is this

♫ Baboons on the road

♫ Is this the end of bliss

♫ I would rather see

♫ A rain of toads

♫ They'll hear that call

♫ Baboons on the road

♫ I would rather see

♫ A rain of toads

♫ Than hear that call

♫ Baboons

♫ On the road ♫

- Feodor.

You know that I am fluent in 12 languages.

Amongst all those noble
and ancient tongues

there is but one solitary word

that describes you with complete

and total accuracy.

Putz.

(sobbing)

- Listen I'd like to

drink a toast to my navigator.

- Oh, brother.

I needed that.

- You sure did.

- I needed that and I need another one.

Waiter?

- Oh it's comin', it's comin',

I got it together.

I have friends here, you know?

- You do? (laughing)

Oh brother, am I in trouble.

(laughing)

- You think you're kiddin', don't you?

- I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding.

What's all that?

What's all this soda?

- Well, you keep orderin'
these soda backs,

this guy takes you seriously.

- Well, I could take these up to my room

and have them for dinner.

- Listen, why don't you
forget about that room stuff.

- Why?

- You know how to dance?

- Why do you care?

- Well I,

it's a decent question,

it deserves a simple, decent answer.

(laughing)

- Don't make me laugh at you.

Don't make me laugh.

Yes, I know how to dance,

do you know how to dance?

- Yeah if I got a decent partner.

(chuckling)

- Oh.

You sure about this?

- Sure.

Sure I'm sure.

- Where are you?

Okay?

- I lead, right?

- Just this once.

- Okay.
- [JJ] Okay?

Feel a little stupid?

- No, I don't feel too stupid.

- Not too?

- No, why, do you feel stupid?

- What do you, no I don't.
(laughing)

Oh, no.

- If you just unlock.

(laughing)

- Oh.

Look who's here.

- Oh hiya, Duke.

- I do not like his tone, Minenza.

- Fear not, Feodor.

Tomorrow's another day.

- Hey.

Hey, hey.

Cut it out, Miles!

- What are you talkin' about,

I'm not doin' anything.

I'm just lyin' here.

Aye.
(monkey screeching)

Get away from there.

(laughing)
(monkey screeching)

- [JJ] Give Mr. Miles a goodnight kiss.

- [Ed] Get outta here.

Not tonight, I got a headache.

- [JJ] Night, Baboon.

(thundering)

(engine roaring)

- [Ed] Give me some aspirin, will ya?

- [JJ] Here.

Is that enough?

- [Ed] No, no.

- [JJ] (mumbling) you like Aspirin.

Oh, God.

Now I can't swallow them.

(engine roaring)

- God damn this.

- What do you want me to do?

- [Ed] Get over here

and gun the engine when I tell you to.

- [JJ] Okay.

- Okay!

- I got it under control!

- Okay, gun it.

(engine roaring)

- [JJ] I'm gunning it!

- [Ed] Take the brake off!

- [JJ] What?

- [Ed] Take the emergency brake off!

- [JJ] Oh, oh I'm sorry.

(engine roaring)

- [Ed] And go ahead!

- Okay.

Is it alright?

Did I do it okay?

Oh oh oh.

(laughing)

- What are you laughin' at?

(laughing)

No, no.

Oh, oh!

- [Ed] Teach you to laugh at me.

- [JJ] Damn.

I wasn't laughing at you.

(laughing)

You, God!

Oh!

(laughing)

(sentimental orchestral music)

- Look at me.

(engine roaring)

- Harry, we're doing fine.

- Oh!

- Hey, pass the salami, where is it?

- Salami?

Here, in the back.

Find the salami.

- Where's the bloody salami,

- Here!
- you son of a bitch?

(tires screeching)

(tires squealing)

♫ Roses love sunshine ♫

(laughing)

♫ Violets love dew

♫ Angels above us

♫ Know I love you

♫ Know I love you ♫

Ha ha ha.

- You know, I knew there'd be
a lot of firsts on this trip.

- You did, huh?

That was a beauty.

- That was a first for you, huh?

- Oh I suppose you just roll
around in the mud all the time.

(laughing)

Is that it?

- Sure, you look

great in the mud.

Gives you a certain panache.

- Gives you a little friction.

Ah!

- Woah!

(laughing)

- [JJ] Oh, oh my goodness.

- Should we take a picture?

- Oh.
(laughing)

Why not?
(clicking)

- God, look at that thing.

You know when they depose a pool from the

herd.

- Yeah?

- Elephants, you know, they're very loyal.

They always send out
three or four young bulls

to take care of 'em 'til he dies.

- Well, I hope somebody does that for me.

- Well how 'bout me, baby?

I'm pushin' it harder than you are.

(laughing)

- Woo!

(dramatic orchestral music)

(clicking)

- Oh, look at this.

- Oh, isn't that too bad.

- Turn down, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, why don't you drive
on the rocks, guys?

Yow, woah!

- [JJ] Coming through.

- I think we got a flat tire.

(bumping)

- Um, listen if you don't need me

to help you out anyway, um.

- [Ed] No that's okay,

you just go take pictures or somethin'.

- I won't be a minute.

- [Ed] Oh yeah, right.

Okay, 42 seconds.

Oh.

(elephant calling)

(panting)

- You are never gonna believe what,

oh.

(dramatic orchestral music)
- Huh?

- [JJ] Get over here.

- [Ed] What's a matter?

- Lions.

- Are you putting me on?

- Behind you.

- [Ed] You're kidding me.

(growling)

Hey, Simba.

Easy, uh.

(laughing)
Don't move.

Don't move, okay?

(growling)

Oh my God.

It's uh,

just, uh.

(growling)

- [Ed] Oh shit.

- [JJ] Oh God.

- Um.

That lion's gonna eat my tire.

It's okay.

- Why not?

- We can't.

Get in.

Don't worry about the lions, get in.

Come on, get in.

Get in, get in.

Get in, get in, get in.

- [JJ] Get in, okay.

(laughing)

- [Ed] Close the door.

- [JJ] Close the door.

- [Ed] Close the window.

- [JJ] Roll up your window.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- I believe there are distant
cousins around today who

trade upon the name.

- Borgia,

yeah.

- Bor-Gee-Ah.

- Yeah, Victor Borgia, yeah.

He was a Borgia too, maybe.

- Victor Borgia, yes indeed.

- The other player was a Borgia?

- Yes, so I have heard.

A man of infinite variety.

- Ernest Borgia,

yeah?

- Yes, fine actor.

[Feodor] Mm.

- This is the sign.

Now all we have to do is
pull off the road over there

and then put our plan into operation.

(laughing)

(engine roaring)

Feodor.

Change the sign.

- Aye, Minenza.

- Ah,

the brilliance of the Borgia.

(engine roaring)

- Now don't get excited.

- I'm not excited.

- But my notes say straight ahead.

(chuckling)
Well your notes don't

exactly inspire confidence, so I'm

going for the sign, okay?

- That's what I figured.

(tires squealing)

(reggae music in foreign language)

- (speaking in foreign language)

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Uh.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- He said, "Get out of the car."

- What did we do?

- (speaking in foreign language)

(monkey screeching)

- Just get out of the car.

Come on, come on, get out.

- Okay, okay.
- [Man With Gun] Move it!

Move it!

- Must be some mistake.

- Come on, move it.

Move it, both of you, come on.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Kneel before his honor, Olpa of Chipogo

- (speaking in foreign language)

(whirring)
(church organ music)

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Huh?

- He said you are charged
with a very serious crime

against the great city of Chipogo.

- But we didn't do anything.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- He said you certainly
have done something,

you've killed a sacred chicken.

- That chicken is frozen.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- He said it doesn't matter.

- Okay, what's the fine?

- (speaking in foreign language)

- 500 bucks.

- We don't have 500.

We don't have 500 bucks.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- He said the sentence of the court is

you pay $500 or you get cooked in the pot.

- Now wait a minute, um,

look before we talk about dinner,

can't we make some kind of a deal?

- [JJ] Yes, we're all reasonable people.

- Yeah, um.

Look I hate to ask you this.

Thanks for asking.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- (speaking in foreign language)

- It's a deal.

(whirring)
(church organ music)

- Let's get out of here.

(chuckling)

(engine roaring)

- What are you doing?

Who you gonna see out here?

- You never know.

- That's true.

Is that an elephant over there?

- No, it's a rock.

No, it's moving, it is an elephant.

Watch it!

(yelling)

- Still not happy about those cameras,

I'm sure this is sheep
that we're runnin' on,

I really am.

- Damn.

- Shit.

(chattering)
(engine roaring)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [JJ] Look at the zebras.

Look, zebras.

- Wow, look at that.

(laughing)

It's like we got an escort.

(clicking)

- This is actually fun.

- Yeah it is, huh?

- Yes, it's fun.

- If it could only go on forever.

- The rubble was here,

here,

and here.

I was here

with Monty.

Only three miles away.

Brommel had 128 Panzers.

On my left flank,

less than 30 armored vehicles.

Of course, I faced the desert fox paw.

He always come in dead center.

I would hesitate to do it at night.

- Would you like some
more coffee, Mr. Simmons?

- [Old Veteran] There was some armor then,

couldn't be enough.

- Just a touch.

- [Old Veteran] Well,

you realize what was gonna happen now.

I advised Monty immediately
that what we had to do

was to close in on our two flanks,

and center up right down,
straight through the valley,

Role was coming in full tilt here, but--

- I must see you.

- My tent later.

- [Old Veteran] All we had to
now is concentrate our fire

'round center here

and simply smash him to pieces,

which is in fact exactly what we did.

(engine rumbling)

- I'm sorry, I,

we're lost.

(monkey screeching)

- Well, if we are,

so is everybody else.

- I've got a confession to make.

- Yes, so have I.

- Me first.
- [Man] Yes.

- For days now I've been longing

to be alone with you.

I see you out there with that

magnificent gun of yours
stalking the animals.

You do things to me that

nobody else has ever done.

- Well,

I have noticed that

and that's why I want to speak to you,

that why I asked you to
come to my tent tonight.

You see,

we big game hunters have a reputation

for being strong and romantic, and we are.

And we are strong and
romantic figures, but,

you see, I,

me personally, I have never.

With the animals, I'm wonderful.

I have buffaloes by the
hundreds and elephants,

and I am mad with lions, I

kill them because we kill
the things that we love.

I have never been with a woman.

- You mean I'm the first one?

Oh, that's wonderful.

It feels so exciting.

Oh how I've longed for this.

- (mumbling).

Well, I said to Monty, I said, "Monty."

(engine rumbling)

- Have you any idea where we are?

- Don't ask me, I don't know.

All I can see is fog, fog

and more fog.

- And mist.

All this fuckin' mist.

- Fuckin' mist.

- Fact we rammed the advantage aside.

Moved right in there.

- You know, Frank this

fog reminds me of London.

Makes me feel quite homesick.

- Well according to this map,

we should have seen the
road five minutes ago.

I can't see a thing.

- I think we've hit a tree.

- Well, it's not on this map.

- We've hit it.

- Incredible, absolutely amazing.

I said to Monty, I said, "Monty,

"now's the time,"

not for all good men to come
today to the party, of course,

I mean no sort of thing in the Army.

But in fact what I really meant was

now's the time to attack,
which of course we did.

- What is that?

What is that up ahead?

- Maybe it's the checkpoint.

- One of the most
important campaigns in seas

across the Rubicon.

Oh, I said to Monty, I said, "Monty,

"there's only one thing to do.

"Attack the flank, move quietly."

(mumbling)

Heaven's lost it, what is going on?

What is this?

I say.

You hit me tent.

Who is that there?

My, what is that?

- Okay Doug, you go check the others in.

- Hi.

Miles and Dalton?

- Yes, indeed.

Well done.

Hello, it's good to see you.

We've given you up for lost.

- Oh, well we got a little waylaid.

- [Man With Beard] Yes, well,
most of the other people

got washed out by the rain.

- Oh, who's here?

- [Man With Beard] Count Borgia.

- Only Count Borgia?

- [Man With Beard] Yes, only Count Borgia.

- Good evening.

- Do you have reservations?

- Sure do, under the name of JJ Dalton.

- Yes sir, two rooms.

- No, no, no, that's a mistake.

- Ow.

- One room, one room.

- Oh.

Very well.
- [JJ] One room.

- [Ed] One room.

- Will you sign in please?

- Oh, sure.

- Room five, top of the stairs.

- Sure, okay.

- Oh no no no no no,

it's okay, thank you, I'll take it.

- No, that's okay partner,

I carry my own bag.

(monkey squealing)

- [JJ] Good evening.

- [Bald Man] Hello.

- Look at this place.

- Weird, isn't it?

- It's Medieval Africa.

Oh, wow.

(chuckling)

- Things are lookin' up around here.

- Okay, okay.

Here you go.
(monkey screeching)

- [Ed] Hey, baby.

You know, I'm actually starting to dig

this little critter.

- I know.

Some day, huh?

- Oh yeah.

But you know,

we're doin' pretty good.

There's only about six
of us left in the race

and we got two days down.

I think we're gonna win this thing.

- You think so?

- Yeah, I really do.

- Um.

I have to tell you something.

- Uh-oh.

- No no no.

You know,

what I do for a living is

I kind of watch and

make a lot of smart remarks.

But, what you do, well,

you do things.

You know how to do things and

I admire that.

I think you're really good at what you do.

And I hope we win.

(chuckling)

- I notice you said, "We," huh?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, right.

(chuckling)

(chuckling)

- You know you turned out to be

a pretty good navigator after all.

- Oh, thank you.

- I'm really sorry about the

cameras, though.

- That's a living, you know.

- No, I don't mean that, I mean

well, you know.

I was watchin' you when you were

takin' pictures of your animals and stuff.

You're really beautiful
when you're workin'.

- Let's go get somethin' to eat, okay?

Come on, let's get somethin' to eat.

(delicate piano music)

(monkey screeching)

- Boy, this place is full of grownups.

- Not much dancing tonight.

- No.

- (mumbling) table.

Bar.

- [JJ] Yes.

I think the combined ages in this room.

Hello.

- Hello, hello,

look how cute you,

oh God.

- You're very kind.

- [Bartender] Hi, what can I get you?

- What would you like to drink?

- Champagne, what the hell.

- Ah.

- And this is neat vodka.

(chuckling)

- Well, anything that'll slow him down.

- Yeah.

Never mix, never worry, kid,

remember that.

Thank you.

(chanting)
(tribal drumming)

- You will do this for me, Chief Umpopuli

as a great favor.

- Yes, Count Borgia.

For you

and for $500.

- Yes, of course, of course.

Noble savage.

But how will I know that your

warriors are up to the task?

- Do not worry.

My men have no mercy.

This man,

he did you a great injury?

- Well, no, not exactly, but

I believe in preventive medicine.

- How will we know him?

There's so many cars.

- Oh,

I have his number.

- This man is doomed.

- [Count] May God go with you.

♫ Victoria, victoria ♫

(singing in Italian)

Farde always had a word for it, you know,

he had a word for everything.

- (speaking in foreign language)

- Thank you, thank you.

I had thought of it seriously
at one time as you know.

- Yes, I know.

- I think that $500

is a more than adequate price to pay

for the permanent and assured demise

of the unspeakable Mr. Miles,

don't you, Feodor?

- A bargain at twice the price, Minenza.

(laughing)

(chanting)
(whistling)

I think someone has
made a terrible mistake.

Gentlemen, gentlemen,
- Wrong number!

- this is all a mistake.

Yes, a wrong number.
- Wrong number!

(whistling)

(engine roaring)

Make haste!

Minenza, make haste!

Quickly!

- Well escape them.

- Quickly!

- I assure you.

- (speaking in foreign language)

(chanting)

Oh, we're surrounded!

- More of them.

(tense orchestral music)

Back, assassins!

- I don't know why you're doin' that.

That monkey's not gonna jump out,

he knows where his bread and butter is.

- I don't know, you know.

I know he lives here and stuff,

but I feel responsible.

Oh, well.

Back to business.

- That's your last camera, isn't it?

- Yeah.

You know I'm averaging a camera a day?

- Let's see if you can
hold on to this one.

Last day, last camera, last day.

- Yeah.

(tires screeching)

What are you stopping the car for?

- Look,

you know it doesn't
have to be the last day.

- What do you mean?

- I mean,

look why don't you and me and

the monkey.

Why don't we stick together for a while?

- Oh.

- It wouldn't be so bad, would it?

(giggling)

- It was so hard for you to say.

Thank you.

Oh, oh.
(monkey screeching)

Well you see,

wasn't it a good thing I had the rope on?

- Hurry up, man, hurry up.

Car looks like a porcupine.

This is a race, you know,

not a Sunday promenade.

- [Feodor] Yes, Minenza.

- Get on with it.

(mumbling)

- Ready, Minenza.

- Ready!

Enough of this Tomfoolery.

From now on, it's war!

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Anyone ever tell you

you look like Jacques Tati.

- (speaking in French)

- French car straight ahead.

- Hey, that mad Italian.

- (singing in Italian)

- Hey, what is he trying to do?

Look out!

- Hold that for me, will ya?

- Oh, these cigars are killin' me.

- Killin' me too, I ain't complaining.

- English!

- What's that?

- It's the Italian, Borgia.

- Ha ha ha!

- What a lunatic!

- He's trying to block us off the road.

- Blap, blap!

(laughing)

- God, this country's hot, Bruce.

I could deal with a tube
of the old Amma-Frosties.

(tense orchestral music)

- Australians straight ahead!

- Ah, the Aboriginals.

(laughing)

Well, gentlemen.

This is all part of

life's rich patter.

- Holy hell, Bruce,

it's that God damned Italian
spaghetti driver behind us,

look at him, he's low flyin'!

Jesus, Bruce,

we're up a bleedin' Willow Tree.

- I thought maybe we'd go to Hawaii.

If we win.

- What if we don't win?

- Well.

- Listen, we still got my story,

we can still go to Hawaii.

- It's Tobias's car.

(tense orchestral music)

- Now we have what we call

the moment supreme.

- Yeah.

- We have them.

We have them now.

So.

- [JJ] Oh!

(laughing)

- Hope you have a nice swim!
(laughing)

- [Ed] Jesus

Christ are you okay?

- [JJ] Yeah,

yeah.

- [Ed] Do you wanna get
the hell outta here.

- [JJ] Oh my God.

- You know, Feodor,

the fruits of victory are indeed sweet.

- [Ed] This thing's gonna sink.

It's gonna sink.

Don't lose your camera.

(grunting)

- [JJ] Are we alright?

- I don't think we're gonna sink.

- [JJ] Oh God.

- [Ed] I think this thing floats.

- [JJ] Damn.

Well, I'm really sorry we're
not gonna win the race.

- [Ed] I don't know.

(laughing)

Just glad you're okay.

- [JJ] I'm glad you're okay.

Oh.

(chattering)

- You know the race isn't over

until somebody crosses the finish line.

Look at that over there.

(chattering)

(whistling)

- (singing in Italian)

(playing harmonica)

You have no soul.

- Thank you. (chuckling)

- [Ed] Listen, I can't tell you guys

how much we appreciate this.

No, we gotta go more towards the point.

I know exactly where we are,

we're right here, see?

See that's that point right there.

- [JJ] Yeah.

- Now look, if you can bring it ashore

someplace 'round here where
those dead trees, see?

- [JJ] Yeah?

- Look at this, that's the finish line.

Right there.

- [JJ] Where's the road?

- Road?

That's all the way over here.

- [JJ] It's off the map.

(laughing)

That's the other side of the fold.

- Uh-huh, this is a shortcut we're takin'.

(spirited orchestral music)

- [Feodor] Boogie and Minenza go far and

put the pedal to the metal.

We are gonna win this sucker!

- Come on, give it
another one of those, row.

- [JJ] Row.

- [Ed] College try.

Like at Harvard.

Let's go right over there.

- [JJ] Come on, Zulus,
fight, fight, fight.

- [Ed] I can't believe this,

we are gonna beat that damned Duke.

- (singing in Italian)

(chanting)

(clicking)

(grunting)

- [Ed] Hey, look at that.

Civilization, here we come.

(dramatic orchestral music)

That's it.

Looks like we're the first ones.

- [JJ] So wait.

Oh my God.

(laughing)

Oh boy.

- I wish we had somethin'
to give to these guys.

- We do, we do.

- Huh?

- Look.

This.

- (speaking in foreign language)

(clapping)

- Thank you.

- Look at that.
- [JJ] Oh God.

- Hey, Minenza.

- That's not possible.

- Wanna give us a push?

- [Ed] Push.

- [JJ] Push?

Okay.

- Impossible.

- What are those idiots doing?

You there, you're cheating!

They are cheating!

- Imagine leap with a double.

- Assholes.

- It's a miracle.

- I'm gonna drive it off
the face of the earth.

(sobbing)

- [JJ] He's comin'.

- I know he's comin'

dramatically.

- None of this toying, then.

- We're gonna make it.

- It is not too late.

Not too late.

(screaming)

- Woah!

- Minenza.

- (speaking in Italian)

(applauding)

- [Voiceover] Winners are Eddie
Miles, JJ Dalton in Car 91.

- Look, now that this race is over

there's just something I gotta know.

- Yeah?

- What was it that your ex-wife did?

And you divorced her for that?

- Yeah.

- Looks like I'm in big trouble.

(spirited orchestral music)