Safari (2009) - full transcript

Coming up on 5:50 PM.
News update at 6.

But first the weather.

No end in sight.

Rain and hail continues
throughout France...

''cheap safari''

17 degrees F in Paris
and 10 in Nice.

Elsewhere, a very hot summer
in South Africa,

with a record 109 degrees F
in Capetown.

Welcome to Africa,
cradle of humanity.

This is where we were born.

My name is Richard Dacier
and i'm all about Africa.



With me and my guide, Bako,
the routine is over.

Go to the heart of the savannah.

You're expected,
for the greatest of adventures:

A safari.

Which means,

a Dacier Safari
will hit you where you live!

Chouchou, will you take a check?

Outskirts of Johannesburg

Bako will work it out.
He always does, right?

it's hot.

it's usually hot, but now...

it's very, very hot.

i mean, compared to normal hot.

What?



Oh, i thought you...

Hello Chouchou.

Hi Bako.

How much?

$25,000.

Could Richard and i have a minute?

- To consider.
- Right.

Consider away.

25 grand. How could you?

i had a fantastic hand.
Four aces.

i was Puff Daddy, cruising.

He had a straight with suits.

A straight flush.

Straight "flunch"? What's that?

They cheated.

No. i'm a pro, with an eagle eye.

Your eagle needs glasses.

Cards are marked.

Weird.

No need to cheat to beat you.

Well?

Chouchou, we don't have 25.
i can give you 2.

Maybe 3.

What do you say?

i say he dies.

Unless you agree

to do a little favor

for Monsieur Charles.

Monsieur Charles!

Reload!

Pull-try!

Glad to see you, Dacier.

And it's not mutual!

Listen carefully.
Bring this case to a friend,

north of Mapulanguene.

Six miles past
the Mozambique border.

On Sunday,

at 4PM.

Stop playing when i talk!

Please!

He never lets me play!

i want to jump out a window!

This is the ground floor.

Sorry. She's my niece.

Where were we?

Sunday at 4.

You deliver the case at 4.
in exchange,

you pick up another case.

And what's in the case?

Fruit bars and a bilboquet.

You really are dumb as a fence post.

A friend of mine,

who will sort of...
supervise things.

Where is he?

There!

This is Ralph Becker.

You scared me.

Do i have to go with these clowns?

it'll be fine.

A bus load of tourists in shorts
is perfect cover.

if that's all, maybe we should go.

"He" should go.

i always guide the tourists.

No, yeah. Yeah, he...

He's the safari specialist.

i just book them.

i haven't gone in 30 years.

Let me go. i'll do what you want.

Don't send Richard.

Bako...

i know all about your bond
with Dacier.

Your friend would do anything

to get you back in one piece.

Am i right?

Bako...

You can do it, Richard.

Take my guide book, be careful,
and heed your instinct.

i'm afraid.

Forget that word in the bush.

Bako, not the bush!

No! Not the bush! Bako!

Because of me,
Bako might die.

i'll never make it, Bernardo.

Come on, Bernardo.

i can't learn the bush like that.

All right.

Chapter one.

Dangers of the Bush.

The big 5:

Lion, leopard,
buffalo, rhino, elephant.

Richard.

Dad?

You must help Bako.
Save him.

it's your destiny.

You know i can't go to the bush.

You must do it.

And brush after every meal.

Yes, Dad.

Dad?

i'm going.

No, Bernardo. Not you.
it's too dangerous.

You're just a child.

A monkey child, but a child.

DAD'S THiNGS

Hi! Richard Dacier.
You with the Dacier safari?

Hakuna matata to you!

Answer, ''Hakuna matata to you, too.''

You're white.

Black at heart,
though white of skin,

Africa is a cry
that comes from within.

This way to the bus.

OK, ready?

Everyone comfortable?

Oh right.

This man took another flight.

His name is...

Jean.

Right. Easy to remember.

Jean what?

Jean.

So it's Mr. Jean Jean.

in Beauvais i know a Hugues Hugues.
Hard to say.

Great!

Got a middle name?

Jean.

To the hotel?

No, the safari has begun.

The welcome toast in the brochure!

We all smell like the plane!

i don't.

Except Missy. Who wants a shower?

All right.

Drinks, showers. But quickly.

- Dacier, i got a feeling.
- Yeah?

No A/C, right?

No. if i turn it on,
the motor stalls.

Mr. Dacier, on your web site

you speak a curious language.
What dialect is it?

it's Woolite.

Waoolite.

Do they study it in colleges?

No, in the field. it's complicated.

The peanuts taste like cold cuts.

Mine is the opposite.

Yes, Mom. i've arrived.

No, don't worry.

Not yet.

My Fanta is warm.

it's not Fanta. it's Banga.

My Banga is warm.

it's served warm here. Tradition.

What's the matter, Jean Jean Jean?

Sorry, you look like a dead fish.

Have i seen you before?

No. i don't think so.

Must be mistaken.

Everyone, party's over!

What party?

Everybody here?

No, Benoit is missing.

it's the... warm Banga.

- Mr. Dacier?
- Yes?

Can we be sure this safari
will encounter the big 5?

Right, the big 5. i know, i know.

it's not orals!

But i know the big 5.

Buffalo, elephant, rhino,

lion... and leopard.

Really want to?

No! The goal of a safari
is to avoid animals.

Worst case, we could fall back
on the little 4.

The big 4? What's that?

The 4 smallest creatures
in the bush.

Caterpillar, greenfly,

mites and lice.

Faced with a lion,
how should one behave?

Oh, faced with...
the king of beasts?

The master, predator...

The boss.

- The owner.
- The lion!

Right, the lion. With a lion,
which can be pretty mean,

well,

you...

Never turn your back.

Right, that's it.

Don't turn around. That's it.

And baring your teeth is hostile.

Right. No teeth.

if it attacks us anyway?

Why would it?

if we get a lion
who doesn't know the rules.

Lie down and play dead.

Are boas dangerous?

Bows?

No.

Well, depends on the bow.
But usually not.

There are different boas?

Of course. Ribbons.

Arrows, violins...

She means a bo-a.

Oh! Right, the boa, well...

Well that's... i mean, look out!

No danger.
Unprovoked, boas don't attack.

Exactly. Look out, no danger at all.

Look, zebras!

- Where?
- Near the tree!

Can we stop?

Too dangerous in herds.

- There's only 2.
- 2 is a herd.

Dacier, you scared?

Stop, we take pictures.

Take the pictures,
but stay with the vehicle.

Mr. Becker, if you don't mind,
could you get out a second?

Mix with the group, be a tourist.
Make an effort.

i don't like tourists.

it's out of focus.

Mr. Dacier!

Take a picture of me and my wife?

You're too close! Careful.

No risk. They're like ponies.

Ponies aren't zebras.

Cats aren't cheetahs,
sardines aren't sharks!

Be nice, come take a picture.

i got you.

Use the zoom.

Dacier! Over there.

We're being attacked!

- What's that?
- Blueball monkeys.

Why that name?

Use the zoom.

They're ransacking the bus!

Wait! After they steal,
they sometimes clean up.

They cleaned us out.
i'll sue, monkey or not.

They ate my toothpaste.

- Didn't clean up.
- Guess not.

Sorry.

- i'm so sorry.
- What a mess!

i can see that.

- They slapped me.
- Really?

There's one still there! Bastard!

Relax, they're gone Becker.

You called Jean Jean ''Becker''?

No, i said,

''it's OK, they're gone...

''Becare.''

From the verb ''to becare,''

meaning...

''to share food.''

Let's go! We have to be
at base camp by evening.

- i got everything.
- Great.

Oh no, i can't believe it.
They stole my Amex.

- The one with Flying Blue miles?
- Yeah.

Only natural.

- Why?
- it's their favorite color.

it was a joke, Bertrand.

Right.
i know, i got it.

Anyway, they don't have my PiN.

it was a joke, Magalie.

i know, i got it.

Mr. Dacier,

what do we do about..?

About?

Relieving ourselves.

Behind those trees, i guess.

Don't go too far.

All right.

What is it, crocodile?

No. Antelope, maybe.

it's solid, very solid.

Hyena, maybe.

No. Mr. Dacier, what is it?

Oscar Meyer weiners.

What's for dessert?

Animal crackers.

Want some?

i love to becare.

Not staying with us?

With you? No.

Strange guy.

Not a word all night.

The heat gets to him.
He sweats from his nostrils.

Disgusting.

Fire's warm.

Playing cards?

Feel like playing some poker?

i don't like poker.
i prefer magic.

Do a trick for us?

That's fun.

Fantastic.

The king's the father.

The son is the jack.

The goal's to find the father.

Right there.

Once again.

He must be there.

Where is the father?

Nowhere.

And you two? How did you meet?

- Bowling.
- Baptism.

A baptism that took place
in a bowling alley.

The parents are great bowlers.

So they had it there.

it was love at first sight.

Soon as i laid eyes on her,
i knew she was the one for me.

No matter what the obstacles.

Ever since that day, i knew

who i was waiting for,
hoping for.

Beautiful.

Very romantic.

And you?

Me?

i got a strike.

i played with cheetahs!

Don't laugh,
i feel like we've met before.

- No, we haven't.
- We have.

- You're an ER nurse.
- No, that's not me.

What did i say?

it's true! i played with cheetahs!

Great, Benoit.

Tomorrow we leave at six.
Five AM wake-up call.

- Five?!
- Five-fifteen.

Great! We sleep in!

There were 2 of them.

Unbelievable.

Bertrand?

Could you look elsewhere
while i undress?

Where?

North-northwest.
Opposite way from my tits.

Where you from?

Peyrat-le-Chateau.

You know it?

Never heard of it.

You must know Beauvais.

i've heard the name.

They often speak
of the Bay of Rio, Bali, Venice...

i truly feel Beauvais is among
the world's most beautiful places.

That's at the Y, when i was a kid.

That's the National Tapestry Center.

See that smokestack?
Sopalin paper factory. Know Sopalin?

Of course.

They make it in Beauvais.

You're so in love with your town.

Why did you come to Africa?

For the adventure.

When the impala is born,

he has only 15 minutes to stand

or he may be devoured

by savannah predators.

Fifteen minutes! incredible, huh?

These books were a great idea.
Thanks.

if someone told me,

you'd be here
on your 32nd birthday...

- 35th.
- Right.

- Our Benoit, surgeon-to-be!
- Not yet.

My first operation
will be right here.

- in the garden?
- No, the hospital.

in my home town.
Beauvais. The best place on earth.

Yeah, we know.

And our last gift.

This is too much.

An African safari?

A great trip.

i travel through books.

Look, you read Africa,
india, China!

Stop reading the world, see it!

You're 35, stuck to the couch.

Go to Africa! Fuck!

Watch your language.

We're going to the Pezet's
in Saint-Tropez!

Next year, i'll go to Chile.

Must be nice.

Must be.

What was that?

Please.

That.

Please.

it's nothing, kill it.

- You sure?
- No danger.

Sorry, Jean Jean,

it was an egg-bearer.

When you kill her,
the young scatter.

They enter through your orifices.

Sleep with your pants on?

But some got up my nose.

Morning. Sleep well?

Come here, i have an announcement.

i have a little surprise for you.

Today, we're going to...

Mozambique!

Listen up, everyone.
i have a little surprise.

All right. Today we're making
a side trip to...

The Faundo village, right?

it's in the brochure.
Faundo village. No surprise.

Oh, right. The village.

What kind of village?

A Faundo village.

it's in the heart of the savannah,
400 miles from Johannesburg.

A village untouched
by civilization and decadence,

despite frenetic globalization.

The Faundos. Having preserved
their ancestral soul,

this primitive people is immune
to modern temptations.

- Momo.
- What?

Nothing wrong?

What? i'm fine there.
Gathering fruit, looking exhausted.

What's that?

Enough.

Two weeks ago, Nikes.

Now it's the boxers.
What's next, a Herm"e"s scarf?

Jawal, when Wemb"e"'s carrying corn,

get in there beside him!

Azaan, don't laugh.
When goats stray,

it's a problem.
Lead them to the side.

i keep telling you.
One more thing:

Turn off your cell phones!

The Faundo village, stands forgotten

in a hi-tech world.

Wow! Sounds so typical!

Let's go.

it is nice. Really a nice village.

But now that i know you,
i think i know what you need.

i have something just for you.

A slight change of schedule,

and we can make a side trip to...

Excuse me.

Dacier, it's Max from Africa Tours!

The Travel Office is watching you.

There are moles in your group!
I got to go.

To?

There are two seats for you.

You were interrupted.
A side trip to...

Right, too far.

A side trip too far?

How do you feel about moles?

Moles? What are you getting at?

Neither do i.

Why? We're going to see moles?
is that it?

Unless the moles see us.

Not knowing we know!

While watching, and not telling us
that they're watching us.

African proverb?

Are you OK? You look stressed out.

Excuse me...

No good...

i get to Mozambique

or i lose Bako.

With the Faundo, there are moles.

Who's he talking to?

His engine.

is that normal?

For men, yeah.

The briefcase.
What if i lost it? Right.

Hi, Monsieur Charles.
i lost the briefcase.

He'd never believe me.
And then there's Becker.

OK, whatever you want.
it's your money.

Fine, bye.

Change of plans!

Guess who's coming to see us!

Dacier!

it's so beautiful. And so typical!

- Can we talk?
- Sure.

Hi,
i'm Benoit Solanse from Beauvais.

But they won't understand.

- What is it?
- Pillagers.

Pillagers!

is it Ringling Bros. all day
or we get breaks?

Don't panic.

it means, ''Hands up.''

No, no breaks.

- You told them hands up?
- i did?

Who are they?

Pillagers. They're pillaging us.

They have blue balls, too?

is it Waoolite?

Yeah.

Go talk to them.

OK, i'm going.

Pinch me.

Dacier!

in the bush. You vaccinated?

Don't overact.

i'm not! We're so believable.

i went to dramatic arts school!
At age 11, i could do Moli"e"re!

Look, just do
what we said on the phone.

Get the briefcase off the bus,

from the jumpy guy with pimples.

Then get out of here.

This is it.
My life is passing before my eyes.

Please, send my remains to Beauvais!

You.

Money.

if you tear her clothes off,

and play with her body...

i mean, just in case.

You not work video club

in Dulban?

i can't believe it.

You, mini-shit,
you have the case?

Give it to me!

- Drop them.
- What are you doing?

Saving us, asshole.

- Becker!
- ''Becker''! i knew it!

Your friend is crazy!

Hold this, bitch.

Hey, i'm a student.
Sophomore, economics!

He is!

You're not a mini-shit.

They're blanks.

Yeah. No!

Maybe they're Supermen.

What is this shit?

i don't know anymore.

Jean Jean,
you should scratch yourself.

Shut up.

Everyone on the bus. Now.

Now!

Get out of here.

You're finished.

- Tour license revoked.
- You're the moles.

Once in Paris, my report
will destroy you!

if you ever get there.

You drive!

- Why?
- Shut up!

OK, Jean Jean Jean.

Becker, dufus!

Becker Dufus. Good name.

Get this straight.

My name's not Jean.
i'm Ralph Becker.

And i have business with you
in Mozambique, as a tourist.

Once it's over, go fuck yourselves.

Anybody makes a move on me,

i'll kill him.

So smile. We're crossing the border.

And there is no briefcase, got it?

i didn't hear you!

Turn the engine off.

Hello, Officer.

We'd like to visit your great land,

to glimpse the 1001 wonders
of the pearl of Africa!

You talk a lot.

Everybody out.

Nothing to declare?

No, Mr. Briefcase.

Briefcase?

No! Pencil case.

- He said toothpaste.
- Sounded more like pillow case.

Fast pace?

Chevy Chase?

Shut up!

You!

Not your 1st time in Mozambique.

Yes, it is. i swear.

You sell calendars?

We all have a double somewhere.

Like my butcher.

His double is Madonna.
Without the mustache.

Sir?

You dropped your wallet.

All right, you can go.

What did i say? No stopping!

There's something in the way.
A radar gun?

A camcorder.

Maybe security,
to get evidence on the blueballs.

Weird.

Dacier,

go get it.

The tall grass. i'm wearing shorts.

Go.

A Japanese guy, all alone.

Deep in the bush?

Out of my way.

The Japanese and their pictures.

Not very bright.
Getting done in by an elephant.

The same one.

He knows we know what he did.

He wants no witnesses.

Drive, or i'll shoot!

it will charge us!

He wants to rub the bus.

Maybe he thinks it's a female.

Stay calm.

- Like he wasn't there.
- i can't.

Relax. Here's what we do.

Don't stare, or turn around.

Don't bare your teeth.

- it's not a lion.
- Animals swap info.

He'll turn us over.

He can't know me, he can't.

Don't move.

i don't want him to touch me!

Don't move!

Get him away, Dacier!

Get him away!

He's sucking him!

Leave me alone, please.

Drive, Benoit! Drive!

Let's go, fast.
First gear, second, third!

- Strange.
- What?

The scenery's not moving.

Dacier! Do something!

i'll talk to him.

Put it down! Down!

That's not yours!
Go away!

Go away!

- Any sandwiches?
- You want to eat now?

Drop it!

Go away!

Come on, Dumbo!

Go, Benoit!

Don't bother saying thank you.

Want a kleenex?

Stop.

Stop!

Everyone out!

Faster! Move it!

Line up in front of me.

Hang on,

they're not involved.

i didn't say a word, right?

You can't kill us, just like that.

i always found you nice.
Very open to others.

Turn around!

Mr. Becker,

i'm a doctor. Let me help.

it starts in childhood.

Violent parents, peer pressure.

No girlfriend?

i see your discomfort.

We'll talk.

i said turn around!

Why?

We're all dead.

i got to take a piss!

You are all so fucking stupid.

- We have to act.
- Don't, kid.

i'm no kid.

it's not a bladder, it's a well!

- Tell him there's a lion.
- Won't work.

All done!

Becker, behind you!

What? A lion, right?

i heard you whispering.

Dacier, do something.

Slowly, let's get on the bus.

And remember, don't turn your teeth
or show your back.

What's he doing?

Coming this way.

- How long do they digest?
- No idea.

After a good meal,
i can sleep 3 or 4 hours.

Lions take up to 12 hours.

We can't wait.

He won't go.

Try the wiper fluid.

He won't go.

Blow the horn, loud.

i'll try it.

He won't go.

Try this.

Beauvais,

"constructed in 1587"

by Archduke de Grandpierre.

"At" 8"2 feet above sea level,"

Beauvais is the most elevated
town in the Oise valley.

The city ramparts were completed

"in 1681, under Henry VIII."

Sock capital of the world,
Beauvais...

it is fucking boring.

Ralph Becker
is not available.

Leave a message at the tone.

What's going on, Becker?
Call me back!

Chouchou,

you have feminine intuition?

it's not my strongest suit.

i have it. And it tells me
something's wrong.

And i'm a cool guy.

True, boss. You're very cool.

Yeah, but i feel
my dark side coming back to me.

Coming back to me, my dark side,

i feel.

Why didn't he eat the head?

Maybe it's like us with shrimp.

Could be.

Maybe it's the hair.

i hate artichoke hairs.

Now that the funeral is over,

could you fill us in?

What's this about?

i'll tell you but don't panic
if you hear the word...

''mafia''.

$25,000...

A bus full of tourists.
Perfect cover.

Bako!

Hakuna matata!

Disgusting!

You used us!

Like guinea pigs!
i'll tear him to pieces!

She's right.
This is intolerable, inexcusable,

unjustifiable, contemptible!
That's all my adjectives.

The safari is over.

Take us to Johannesburg,
we're leaving.

We're not involved.

Not to defend him,
but he has no choice.

R"e"mi is right.

i have to deliver the case.

- Look what's inside!
- i don't want to know.

Either you end up headcheese,

or come with me.

Dacier!

i don't like doing this, but i am!

Now i decide.
We're going to Johannesburg.

Magalie, i'm a doctor. i can help.

Shut up.

Magalie,

you can't kill a man.

i don't care, i've lost it.

Magalie,

i've always thought of you
as exceptional.

in fact, i never got
how you could marry

that shitbag, Michel.

Good taxi driver,
cheating husband.

- Leave him out of it.
- Put the gun down.

i don't for a second
believe you're capable.

What do we tell the customers
about Jean Jean Jean,

AKA Becker, or the Headless Man?

We're done for.

Wait.

Those customers.

They might not know
what Becker looks like.

Bertrand?

Thanks. When you stopped me
from shooting Dacier, it...

Really? it...

in 10 years working with you
i've always thought you were...

Drippy, if you prefer.

But you were solid.

Don't call Michel a shitbag.

Roger, Magalie.

You knew he was cheating?

i might be...

but i'm not blind.

The meet is 1/4 mile away. i'll go.

- i'm coming.
- Stay here.

You're not credible as Becker.

i'll be Dacier, he'll be Becker.

You're too young to be Becker.

- i could be Becker.
- Or Dacier.

- Which am i?
- Dacier.

i'm not Dacier?

You're Becker. Bertrand's Dacier.

i'm sick of this!
Make up your minds.

She's right.
OK, i'm Dacier.

And Dacier is Becker.

Bertrand, it's too risky.

i'm going.

- Sit down, kid.
- i'm no kid.

You're too young to die.

Really?

We might die?

What time is it?

4 PM.

i'm Becker, right?

No. i mean, yes.

Strange silence.

Are we late?

i'll quit deking you.
You're on time, by my tik-tik, eh?

i'm Hammal, leader of
the Mozambique counter-insurgency.

i studied in Canada, eh?

But enough about me.

We are running late.

Two years ago,

i was a trader in Toronto.
Buy it! Sell it!

All day long. But i knew

i wasn't about bucks.

One night in my jacuzzi,
i heard a voice.

it was C"e"line.

Dion?

Laurentides.
My kindergarten teacher.

She said, with that pile
of moolah you got,

make a putsch!

A putsch!

Which one is Becker?

Him.

Yeah, it's me. That's right.

i'm Ralph Becker,
born June 12, 1964.

Nice to meet you.

Monsieur Charles told me about you.

He loves you shookums.

it's mutual.

Let's mush.

Can i check?

The case.

Of course.

Nice animal.

Yeah, it is a blast.

- For Monsieur Charles.
- Thanks.

All right, well,
we should go, right Becker?

Yeah, let's go.

You're a trip, Becker.

Yeah, he is funny.

Nice laughing, eh?
But we better get to work.

What work?

installing the guidance system
on our missile.

Thanks to you,

we'll putsch!

This is an important moment
for our country.

To celebrate this historic event,

the future national anthem
of Mozambique.

Get to work.

Know anything about missiles?

Very little.

OK, i'm going to reboot it.

Reboot it?

it's on that button.

Oh right.

Mode reboot, OK!

it doesn't seem complicated.

i'll plug that in there.

Hang on. How many holes are there?

Four.

Eight plugs.

This is no good. We'll all die.

That's no help.

i can't.

Bravo!

Thank you.

That's good.

Now we're ready to...

To...

Plug in the video and reverse poles.

This plug,

could go there. How's that feel?

Like i'm going to faint.

Or vomit.

- Let's take a break.
- Yes.

- Something wrong?
- No, we're fine.

Just taking a break.

Doing a purge.

Obviously. We have to purge.

it's Chinese, so it needs purging.

OK, purge is over. Let's go.

i'll try blue in blue.

Bravo!

Hear a noise?

it sounds like a coffee machine.

Smoke's coming out,
and a razor sound.

Becker, is that fog
and jigsaw noise normal?

Yes, quite normal.

Normal for post-purge.

Becker, there's more and more fog.

Becker?

is there a purge problem?

Tabarnac!

Dacier, give me your hand!

Any problems?

Answer me.

What's this money?

Bertrand. They gave it to you?

Yes, good. Good.

Rockets!

They're firing rockets at us!

- What should i do?
- Step on it!

it's floored. i'm doing 40!

Didn't adjust for the northeaster.

Benoit, look out!

i can't see!

- Back up.
- What?

Back up!

We're too heavy.

Bail it out!

it's no good. We have to get out.

Bail!

it's no use!

Listen to me!

Another one's coming!

Hurry up!
Come on, Bertrand!

Monsieur Charles?

This is Youssouf.

Everything OK?

i'm keeping my shorts on.

- But i'm rather cross.
- "What?"

Richard couldn't do that.

He played bushophobic.

''i'm afraid of lions and antelope!''

He hit Becker, sabotaged the goods.

Stole my money!

Richard did that?

Yeah, and he got himself killed.

The dumbshit.

Wait! We lost Dacier.

- He's dead?
- Blown up!

And i owe a million dollars!

Richard can't have died like that.

You deaf? He's dead.
And now it's your turn, Bako.

Did you at least try calling him?

There!

He is kind of far away.

What happened?

Let's hide. They'll find us.

i must be dreaming.
You're alive? Very impressive.

i'm saying you did great.
And i'm saying fuck you.

You pick up in the shower?

Not often.

Got my money?

Yes, I have your million dollars.

Finally, good news.

You'll bring it to Johannesburg.
Fast.

Right, Bako?

Richard, you're alive?

Tuesday at noon.
Cristal Palace Hotel!

Dacier, why not take a normal road
with earth under our feet?

Here they can't find us.

No one will, Dacier.
We won't make it.

We will. Look, there are steps.
Like a staircase.

There's no bannister!

That's it. i'm freezing up.

i'm leaving my body!

Stay close to the wall.

R"e"mi's right. Be one with the rock!

''Be one with the rock''?
Shut the hell up, Dacier!

i can't make it!
Go ahead without me!

All right!

Benoit, you can make it.
imagine it's Beauvais down there.

How many feet down is it, Bertrand?

i don't know.
i have vertigo. i can't count.

it's not very high.
i suggest we jump.

Are you sure?

No way.

Give me your hand.

On three!

What's that mean?

Three jump or on three?

One...

Two...

Three!

Four!

You did it. i'm proud.

We almost died 200 times.

There were some down sides,
but all in all,

we've seen lots of scenery
and animals.

Even very, very close up.

Some weren't even in the brochure!

Dacier, so you know,
at this very moment,

i'm hesitating between indignation
and a head butt.

We'll find a place to camp, dry off.
Or we'll get fungal infection.

So what?

Does that cost extra?

We haven't gone mushrooming yet.

We can still walk 3 hours.

Can't let them catch up.

We're alive for now.

Can i say something?

Sure, this is a democracy.

i'm sick of it!

Text book.

She needs to externalize.

She'll list each shock.

Elephant, blueballs, pillagers,

Becker, the rockets, the waterfall.

- What do we do?
- Talk.

She should insult you first.

- Fabienne...
- Shut up, asshole!

Totally text book.

Katanga, Waoolite, bullshit.
Cocksucker!

Right, she did.

Now it's our turn.

Bunch of rednecks!
You're all a pain in my ass!

What do we do now?

That.

Good initiative.

- Don't thank him! it hurts.
- Sorry.

Had to calm you down. Feel better?

No, it hurts.

Bertrand,

i got like a sock in my mouth.

A snake!

it bit Magalie!

What do we do, Benoit?

My teeth are going away.

i don't know.

My neck's unscrewing!

- You're a doctor!
- Don't push me.

My tongue is crumbling.

Venimex, cauterize, urine!

- i have Venimex.
- i have a lighter.

- i don't have to.
- OK, i got it.

Stop!

if anyone is to urinate on her,
i will.

i owe her that much.

i think the poison
has altered her reality.

She is elsewhere.

Sure, but where?

Got you, Dacier!

Ski lodge.

Come on, woosy!

Come on, a snowball fight!

Magalie, stop it. Stop!

- Let go.
- it's just snow.

i'll handle this.

- Come on.
- i'm having fun.

Strange, i feel like
i've seen you before.

You too?

Forget it.

- You saw me in...
- in?

in the plane.

OK, i'll drop it.

Listen, you might think
i'm coming on strong,

but i actually...

i wanted to say that...

i know what you mean.

Me too.

There you are, kids.

Great girl, huh?

Back home, they'd say "terractive".

A terror and attractive.

Terractive. i've heard that.
Terractive!

Where are you from?

Peyrat-le-Chateau, small town.

i can't believe it.
i know that place very well.

- Been to France?
- Yes.

My father sent me,
over 20 years ago,

to Peyrat-le-Chateau,
as a camp counselor. Actually,

i did this girl
in the locker of this gym.

She was terractive!

What was her name?

Nicole, that's it!

- Nicole Chantirier.
- Yes, exactly!

How did you know?

She's my mother.

Your mother?

Nicole Chantirier
is her maiden name.

Sure she's your mom?

The woman fussing around me
since birth surely is my mother.

Hang on, let's not get crazy.

Nicole Chantirier

in a Peyrat-le-Chateau gym in '85,

might be more than one.

Mr. Dacier?

i set up camp!

Benoit, let me have your place

and sleep in my shelter?

Why?

i'm a little scared on my own.

i'd feel safer here.

You know, i'm a girl.

Why?

Oh, all right!

i won't tell.

Thanks Benoit.

Mum's the word!

i'm flattered you trusted me.

i get it.

Didn't see that coming.

Nicole, you're so terractive.

Dad?

it can't be.

it can't be.

Last night, i had an incredible
encounter. A giraffe!

Fantastic.

Morning everyone.

Sleep well?

Bertrand,

how old do you think R"e"mi is?

i don't know, 21, 22, 23.

Why do you ask?

No reason.

Morning, Magalie.

Sleep well?

Feeling better?

You had us worried yesterday.

You all right?

i'm fine.

Are you sure?

Just fine.

if not, you should tell us.

Really, i'm fine.

Magalie, where are we?

What country?

Africa?

Good.
And temperatures are...

Hot.

She's cured. All is well.

Come on, Magalie.
Still a long way to go.

Hot out today.

Hakuna matata.

Something wrong?

i'm fine.

Wait up.

Here, it's all i have left.

Want me to be lookout?

No, i'll manage.

Take five.
Benoit's going to poop.

Why do you say that?

So they'll know.

Excuse me, Fabienne.

Don't be mad.

i feel like i've met you, too.
it's eating at me.

- Eating at you?
- Yes.

Naturally.

it's taken!

What's taking him?

Maybe he's barefoot, or unscrewed.

Relapse.

The mountain is our friend.
Respect it, or it gets even.

Let's call the ski patrol.

Right, that's what we do!

Not nice, Fabienne.

Just a little fun.

What?

Nothing.

All right, let's move out.

No other road?

Sure,

we can go around.

it's only 30 feet across.

it's hot. A swim will do us good.

The faster the better.

- Can everyone swim?
- Yeah, let's go.

OK, everyone follow me.

Feels good.

Can we stay a while?

No, keep going! Hurry!

R"e"mi! Come on!

i'm taking my shoes off! Fungus!

No, come on!

OK, i'm coming. Don't get upset.

Hurry up!

Come on! Quick!

Get out of there! Right now!

Dacier!

Crocodiles!

Help!

Bako, help!

Float on your back!

R"e"mi!

Float on your back!

Richard!

On your back!

On your back, kid!

- They'll eat him!
- First the arms, so he can't swim.

i can't.

Bako, i can't hang on!

Don't let go!

Don't let go, Richard!

Swim!

i'll never come back
to the bush.

Never!

Dacier?

He gave his life for yours.

i can't believe it.
He was with us 2 minutes ago.

We never got to say farewell.

Only knew you a little Richard.

Sorry.

it just came out.

if we're still alive
on this glacier,

it's thanks to him.

Well, he did get us
into this shit.

Seriously, as soon as someone dies
people think he's great.

i say it's a little hypocritical.

Ready to go?

Dacier?

You thawed out?

Thanks for all you said,
while i was dead.

Except for you. That wasn't so hot.

Excuse me, i'd like to speak
to Richard a moment.

i know. it's no use saying it.

Yes, it is.

My name is R"e"mi Perronne.

if you'd stayed in France,

i would be R"e"mi Dacier.

Can i hug you?

Well...

i get it. You're timid.

So am i.

Must be hereditary.

No, go ahead. i want you to.

Dad.

Dad.

i missed you so much.

Stop.

You didn't even know i existed.

But i knew something was missing.

My little kid.

i'm not a little kid!

Everything OK?

i just had a child.

Right, of course.

Why do i bother asking?

So tell me,
do i have grandparents?

They've been gone a long time.

My dad went into the bush, after
an elephant wounded by poachers.

He never came back.

My mom never recovered,
died 5 years later.

i came back to run the business,
in my own way.

is it still far?

According to my maps, not far.

How far is not far? i'm tired!

Well logically, right now,

we should be...

- in the desert.
- Shit.

Not on my map.

it's not on my map!

Sure, but we're here.

The snow is so dry.

Quit it, Magalie. Please.

Magalie.

Come back, my love.

Don't give up.

Who are they?

We're naked.

Dacier?

What will they do?

i don't know,
doesn't seem like a barbecue.

This isn't good.

How do you feel?

i'm sore, like i've been skiing
for a week.

Hear that? They're Waoolites.

No, that's not possible.

No, not the bag!

Not the bag!

Not the money!

Bako.

Betty Love.

No. Not here.

Marie-Antoinette, Queen of Spain,

your time has come.

Prepare to die by firing squad!

Do you have a last wish?

Yes.

One last taste of love's pleasures.

Well?

Marie-Antoinette,
Spain, firing squad?

Queen of France,
she was guillotined.

Are you sure?

And it's a Trojan horse,
not a Trojan condom.

That was my last film. i'm done.

Wait.

You must read this.

What is it?

A masterpiece.

i cried.

What's it about?

it's about a man with no past,

bit by a radioactive rabbit.

And then?

He turns into...
a fantastic lay.

Ride-her-man!

i really need a vacation.

Betty Love!

Oh right, OK...

No, i never heard of that.

Oh yes! Oh yes!

Harder, faster!

i never would've guessed.

i must have been mixed up.

i'm guessing she's a divinity
around here.

- Who to?
- Popopopay.

Two P's?

The Davinci Load?

Oh i see. Very classy.

Now you know who i am.

Can i say something?

Sorry to get you into this.

You had no choice.

You're good, you'll get out of this.

i doubt it. They burned the money.

Can i say something?

i can't explain. All that money...

i started dreaming.

Drama classes,

a new life.

Without porn.

i acted once with clothes on.

A nice film.
i played a lighthouse keeper.

But that...

No one ever mentions it.

So there you are.

i'm sorry.

You're forgiven.

That's my son, my flesh and blood.
He's right.

That took courage.

Yes, you're really fine.

i mean good.

Fantastic.

You'll get Bako back.

You're forgetting.

We're far from Johannesburg.

Looks a little like Beauvais.

Could we have our room keys?

Tuesday, 12PM

- Glad to see you.
- Me neither.

The money.

You're a sensible man.

Yes, i've taken precautions.

- Meaning?
- You closed it too quickly.

Tricky.

Bako.

i don't play around with dufuses.

Good drink?

- What do you care?
- it was poisoned.

The antidote is in the case.
i have the combination.

Cute.
You think you're Jack Bauer?

No, he gets 24 hours.

You have barely 10 minutes.

Aren't you feeling warmer?

i never saw

such a poor bluff.

Remember, 10 minutes ago...

i saw you take pictures of her!

i did not!

You're a pervert! You're sick!

i'm filing for divorce!

i'm allowed to photograph
a female chimp!

Pictures fine, but not ogling them!

Honey...

Excuse me.

Does this hotel have a massage room?

i think so. Probably.

i tried champagne massage once.
Good for the breasts.

Want a drink?

- You a hooker?
- You're clever!

From the lady.

Want to toast?

A thousand for a half hour.

They were all..?

My tourists.

You have 5 minutes.

Chouchou.

Let Bako go.

- Let him go.
- Let me speak to him.

Give him the phone!

Bako? Meet me at the lagoon.

The fucking combination!

Last 3 numbers
of Chouchou's license plate.

Chouchou?

it's in the lot. i never look.

Chouchou!

329.

My money.

My money!

That dufus fucked us.

He fucked us, Chouchou!

Then the blueball monkeys.

And the crocodiles
who kept us from crossing the river!

The bus blew up.
The Waoolites knew...

The funniest was when Benoit
gave Charles the warm Banga.

Hey, you're forgetting
the cheetah, the giraffe...

Champagne!

- Take a glass.
- i love champagne.

- Got a glass?
- Magalie...

Mr. Dacier!

i'm sorry.

During this trip, you endangered
the lives of your tourists.

You breeched your contract,

neglected
the most elementary safety rules.

As a result,

international tourism rules

force me to...

kiss you.

Five times in South Africa.

i didn't mean that, at your funeral.

i know.

No views like this in Beauvais.

You know, Bako.
i think Africa is over for us.

i'll follow you anywhere, Richard.

Anywhere?

6 months later

Really! i was just walking along,

and 2 cheetahs appeared
and played with me.

Really, it's true.

Come on, it's the truth!

- The mountain bush pie?
- Number 12!

Let's go amigos! in the bus-o!

Vamos, turistos!

Richard, we're on.

Hakuna matatos!
Welcome to Peru!

The cradle of humanity!
This is where we were born.

My name is Richard Daciero
and i'm all about Peru!

With Bakos...

...my guide,

the routine is over.
Come to the heart of the Andes.

You're expected,
for the excitement of trekking!

Which means,
Peru will hit you where you live!