S.W.A.L.K. (1971) - full transcript

Two youngsters declare to their parents that they want to get married. Not sometime in the future but as soon as possible. The story is told from the children's point of view.

(♪ THE BEE GEES: "In The Morning")
♪ In the morning
♪ When the moon is at its rest
♪ You will find me
♪ At the time I love the best
♪ Watching rainbows play on sunlight
♪ Pools of water iced from cold night
♪ In the morning
♪ 'Tis the morning of my life
♪ In the daytime
♪ I will meet you as before
♪ You will find me
♪ Waiting by the ocean floor
♪ Building castles in the shifting sands
♪ In a world that no one understands
♪ In the morning
♪ 'Tis the morning of my life
♪ 'Tis the morning of my life
♪ In the evening
♪ I will fly you to the moon
♪ To the top right-hand corner
♪ Of the ceiling in my room
♪ Where we'll stay
♪ Until the sun shines
♪ Another day
♪ To swing on clothes lines
♪ May I be yawning
♪ 'Tis the morning of my life
♪ 'Tis the morning of my life
♪ In the morning
♪ In the morning
♪ In the morning ♪
(Drumming)
Halt! Halt!
Left turn!
Right dress!
(Boat horn honks)
(Sniffs)
- Have you been drinking, Ornshaw? - No, sir.
Have you been drinking whisky, Ornshaw?
No, sir. Bron-bronchial balsam. Cough syrup.
(Coughs)
Smells like whisky to me, Ornshaw.
Bad cough, sir. (Coughs)
Look at this, Ornshaw. This is what you call a clean uniform.
Sparkling lapel badge,
crisp-white haversack, highly buffed belt, immaculate brasswork.
It's a credit to you, lad. It must have taken you hours.
My mother did it, sir.
(Brigade laughs)
Ah, yes. We had your mother in here yesterday telling us all about you.
Latimer, isn't it?
It's so nice to have a better class of recruit in the ranks.
It's her idea. I don't really know what I'm doing here.
(Brigade laughs)
Tell your mother she's done a first-class job.
(Shouting, cheering)
Danny! Danny! Mummy's here! Ooo-ooo!
Hello!
- Would any of your friends like a lift? - Oh, I wouldn't mind.
- Are you sure we're going your way? - 'Course you are. Honest!
(Engine splutters, starts)
- All right for you, are we? - Oh, yeah. Just on the corner'll do fine.
- Thank you! - (Mrs Latimer) Bye!
Ta-ta!
Ta-ta!
(Engine idles)
(Engine revs)
(Baby cries)
(Engine stops)
(Bottles clink)
(Mrs Latimer) Come on, darling.
(Door opens)
- Thank you. - Mm.
(Mrs Latimer chuckles)
Mmm.
(Turns on radio, yawns)
Come on, darling.
(Choir sings on radio)
- Morning, Dad. - Hm.
(Switches radio channel, pop music plays)
Neville, number 14's got a "for sale" board up.
- What, love? - Number 14.
What?
(Mrs Latimer) For sale.
(Neville) Oh, not the woman with the Pakistani lodger?
No, I don't think so. No.
A few more paint jobs and we'll have a little King's Road.
(Rocket grates on stand)
Love, would you, please? And that bit there.
It's in the way.
I was only thinking the other day, we've got two architects living in the road.
Two accountants. Three counting yourself, Neville.
- Then, of course, there's the two actors. - A couple of pansies, they are.
We don't know that, Neville, do we?
(Paper rustles)
I went to the BB this morning.
What, love? Good morning.
- The BB. - Oh. How was it?
- Not bad. - Good.
What does it stand for, BB?
- Boys'... - Boys' Brigade. You know what BB is.
- Hm. Thought that had died out years ago. - I quite...
Love, do you think it's a good thing for him to be going to all these things?
Honestly, it gets quite comical the things that you thrust on him.
Oh, Nev, it's important for him to meet all sorts of people.
You know, I think I'll cook something special for Wednesday.
Oh, by the way, I've invited, er, Betty and George over for dinner.
- Really? - Mm.
Might be quite nice.
(Mrs Latimer) It'll be nice for Daniel, too.
A nice grown-up dinner party.
(Neville) Right.
(Mrs Latimer) It's about time he mixed with our friends.
- What the hell are you doing? - (Yelps)
- You could set me on fire! - Daniel, how could you?!
Oh, Daniel!
Oh! How...
- Oh, how could you? - Damn good job it wasn't the supplement.
Now, don't get hysterical, Neville.
Daniel, off to your room.
I'll brain him! It's you!
I'm sure it's you and your damn stupid ideas...that bloody...!
You're not such a shining influence on him yourself, you know.
Not a shining influence at all!
(Door slams)
Any old rag!
Old rags and lumber!
(Children chatter)
(Rag and bone man) Any old iron.
(Children chatter)
(Rag and bone man) Give us a chance. Hold on a minute...
Don't mix and match. All right, in a minute. All right, shh.
What have you got, love? Here we are.
Oh, can, can I have one of those, please? A goldfish, please.
Sorry, love. Not for this. See if you've got anything else at home, eh?
Quiet! Shut up for a minute. I've got to get this stuff on the cart.
- You know he's a... - Can't turn himself away from the pub...
(Children shout, chatter)
Ah, that's more like it.
There we are. A nice suntanned one for you.
- (Boy) Can I have a goldfish, mister? - No, no.
(Children shout)
Danny, you really are terribly naughty.
What did you want to go and do a thing like that...?
Darling, what's that supposed to be?
It's not quite finished yet. It still needs quite a bit of work on the chest.
But, darling, you used to do nice pictures of Grandma and the giraffe at the zoo.
Oh, and do you remember that nice policeman you painted?
I've done all those things. I want to try something new.
Darling, where on earth did you get this?
Oh, a boy gave it to me at school.
I wanted to paint a nude and I didn't quite know what they looked like.
So, he gave me this.
Well, she's got a very nice face.
Oh, darling, did Daddy break your rocket?
Oh, dear.
- Never mind. Let's see if we can fix it. - I'd rather do that, please.
No, no, no, darling. You fix your rocket. Let Mummy have it.
Come on. Let me... Oh! Oh, darling, your lovely...
Oh, never mind.
Now, you fix your rocket and I'll do an early lunch,
and I'll come up and help you, all right?
Splash-down after lunch, then.
("Frère Jacques" plays on recorder)
Melody, are you playing that penny whistle?
(Melody) Yes. And it's a recorder.
Anyway, Miss Fairfax says I've got to practise.
I don't care. If you don't come out of there, I shall bust myself.
(Melody) All right.
(Drawer opens and slams)
Go down to the pub and ask your dad for some money for ice cream
or else you won't get no sweets.
All right.
(♪ THE BEE GEES: "Melody Fair")
♪ Who is the girl with the crying face
♪ Looking at millions of signs?
♪ She knows that life is a running race
♪ Her face shouldn't show any sign
♪ Melody Fair, won't you comb your hair?
♪ You can be beautiful too
♪ Melody Fair
♪ Remember you're only a woman
♪ Melody Fair
♪ Remember you're only a girl
♪ Ah
♪ Who is the girl at the window pane
♪ Watching the rain falling down?
♪ Melody, life isn't like the rain
♪ It's just like a merry-go-round
♪ Melody Fair, won't you comb your hair?
♪ You can be beautiful too
♪ Melody Fair
♪ Remember you're only a woman
♪ Melody Fair
♪ Remember you're only a girl
(Music drowns speech)
♪ Ah, ah, ah
♪ Ah... ♪
(Door slams)
(Birds chirp)
(Children shout, chatter)
(Girl) You lazy bum!
- (Boy 2) Come on! - (Boy 3) Come on! Hurry up!
(School bell rings)
(Shouting, chatter)
Come on. Come along.
(Shouting drowns speech)
(Chatter)
Up.
(Blows nose)
(Pupils) Ugh.
(Indistinct chatter)
The Jewish boys may now leave for private study.
O'Leary, Ornshaw.
O'Leary, I trust you've informed the Holy Father of your sudden change of faith.
As for you, Ornshaw, you may have rushed to Matzos after my lesson.
(Girl 2 snickers)
And Jesus said take up Thy bed and walk.
And Jesus said take up Thy bed and walk.
Now, does anybody know the name of the man Our Lord was referring to?
No?
Well, does anybody know which of the disciples were with Jesus at the time?
Does anyone know who the disciples were?
Does anybody know who Jesus was?
(Shouting)
Whoo-hoo!
(Boy 4) Leonard!
♪ La la la la, la la la, la la la
♪ La la la la, la la la, la la la la
♪ La la la la, la la la, la la la
♪ La la la la, la la la, la la la la
♪ La la la la, la la la, la la la
♪ La la la la, la la la, la la la la ♪
Robert Sinclair, she fancies you!
I don't.
Oh, Peggy, come here!
(Girls) Oh, no!
(Indistinct chatter)
(Chatter)
- Been out with your boyfriend, have you? - Have one every night.
Do you kiss boys, Muriel?
'Course, if I like 'em enough.
Aren't you frightened?
Oh, why should I be frightened? It's quite nice when you get used to it.
- Yeah, you'd know. - (Girls) Ooh!
How long do you kiss for, Muriel?
It depends how I feel. Five minutes sometimes.
- Cool! - World record!
You're lucky, Muriel.
How did you do it? You know, the first time you ever kissed a boy?
Don't know, really. I never used to kiss boys.
I always thought kissing 'em would bring babies.
(Laughter)
Cos they're boys, Muriel?
Can you spare me one?
(Chatter)
(Chatter stops)
(Drops board rubber)
Sorry.
(Laughter)
(Laughter stops)
(Coughs)
Right, now today we're gonna cover WIC.
Wellington's Iberian Campaign.
To make things easier for you in the exams,
I am going to give you a little memory maxim.
Saucy turtles make terrible bath mats, Charlie.
(Laughter)
Quiet.
Saucy turtles make terrible bath mats, Charlie.
Right, now, then.
The "S" stands for the landing at Serena. "T", the Battle of Talavera.
"M", the advance to Madrid. "T", the Lines of Torres Vedras.
"B", Battle of Buçaco. "M", the French General Masséna.
And "C" is the Battle of Ciudad Rodrigo.
Yes, Ornshaw?
Sir, what was Wellington doing in Spain in the first place?
Because Ornshaw he was. That's why.
I'm sorry, sir, but I don't understand why.
Don't be impudent, Ornshaw.
I can't keep the brighter boys behind just because of you laggers-back,
so put your hand down and keep quiet.
This is supposed to be a history lesson, not 20 questions. (Chuckles)
Right, now all of you take this down.
Roman numeral one.
Saucy turtles make terrible bath mats, Charlie.
(Shouting)
(Ornshaw) Come on!
Up. Come on.
(Indistinct chatter)
(Boy 5) Do you think it'll work this time?
(Boy 6) Bit more fuse and we're laughing.
- Hey, look. A bloody spy. - Where?
(Boy 7) There.
Go on, Curly, buzz off!
(Boy 8) Hop it! Go on, hop it!
We don't want you here. It's confidential.
Yes, it's confidential.
- (Boy 9) Shove off, will ya? - Oh, leave him alone. He's all right.
(Boy 10) And let him learn my secrets? Not likely.
No, you better not let him learn your secrets.
Look, it's not bloody Cape Kennedy.
It's only an Ovaltine can with a bit of weed killer in it.
It's not. I'll show you. Hold it.
Ah, you're barmy! That'll never work!
(Boy 11) It'll go out!
Take cover!
(Hissing, crackling)
(Popping)
(Laughter, jeering)
(Chatter)
(Ornshaw) What a wet one!
(Chatter)
(Jeering)
(Chatter)
I've got a banger that goes better than that.
(Ornshaw) Well, last one on the bus is a queer.
(Tyres screech)
(Chatter)
(Shouting)
(Shouting)
- Get out of here! - (Bell dings)
(Shouting)
Going home?
You don't have to go home yet, do you?
Should really.
Don't see why, though. It'd be nice to go somewhere.
I've got an hour. We could go up west if you like.
It'll only take about an hour. Oi, watch it! You're pushing!
We'll be there and back within an hour.
- OK. - Come on.
Oh, I don't believe ya.
(♪ THE BEE GEES: "Give Your Best")
♪ I'm just a clown
♪ That used to run around
♪ I used to have a million friends
♪ I used to start where everybody ends
♪ But I just give my best to my friends
(Music drowns speech)
♪ I've done my shows
♪ Everybody knows
♪ I nearly sold all my clothes
♪ One man can give
♪ Another has to lend
♪ So I just give my best to my friends
♪ And so you should
♪ And when you think that your life isn't right
♪ You know the day isn't always like night
♪ You've had your peace
♪ Now it's time for you to fight
♪ Just give your best to your friends
♪ I'm just a clown
♪ That used to run around
♪ I used to have a million friends
♪ I used to start where everybody ends
♪ So I just give my best to my friends
♪ And when you think that your life isn't right
♪ You know the day isn't always like night
♪ You've had your peace
♪ Now it's time for you to fight
♪ Just give your best to your friends
(Laughter)
♪ And when you think that your life isn't right
♪ You know the day isn't always like night
♪ You've had your peace
♪ Now it's time for you to fight
♪ Just give your best to your friends
♪ And just give your best to your friends ♪
(Ornshaw exhales)
- You got the time? - (Man) Erm, ten past five.
(Daniel) Taxi!
You've gotta be joking. You can't get a taxi.
It'll cost a fortune. I've only got one and two.
(Brakes squeak, engine idles)
(Clears throat)
(Driver) Thanks, mate.
(Daniel) Keep the change.
Be seeing you, then.
I suppose you've seen the film down at the Odeon.
What, the Cypriot one?
- No, the space one. - No, I haven't seen it.
If you like, you can come to tea and then we can go and see it.
No, I can't. I've gotta go home.
I reckon I can get the money for both of us.
My uncle George came to tea last Sunday.
He always leaves me some money.
We could use that if you like.
No, I can't. I've gotta go. See ya!
It's dead easy, really.
I can easily get some more money.
Look, I don't want your bloody money! Now, go on! Buzz off!
Look, it's not that I don't wanna go with you.
Y-you see, I have to go home.
It's my granddad.
He goes mad if I don't get his rotten sausages on the boil.
It's my granddad.
Can't anyone else do it? Your...
No.
Perhaps we can go another night.
(Can clatters)
I'm sure my mum would come round and give you a hand.
No. She'd have a nightmare if she saw our place.
She's always talking about people like...
She'd come round, I know, and help with the washing-up
and put your granddad's sausages on.
No!
He'd have a heart attack if your old lady came round.
- You think she would? - I'm sure.
Yeah. he could do with a heart attack. It'd do him good!
(Both laugh)
(Chatter)
(Shouting)
(Piano music, teacher sings)
(Indistinct chatter)
(Teacher sings)
(Laughs)
Girls, we have three ardent admirers of the dance.
(Laughter)
Maureen, Peggy, Muriel.
Come here, would you?
Right. Now, girls, perhaps you'll take the gentlemen through their paces.
- Miss Pocock, continue. - (Plays piano and sings)
One two three, one two three, one two...
Arms up, please, gentlemen. One two three.
Arms up, gentlemen, or Mr Dicks will have to hear about this little escapade.
Girls, don't... Grace.
Think of Isadora!
Boys, energy, energy.
Use your bodies.
Think of Nijinsky.
Free yourselves!
Use your bodies, girls.
Gracefully, gracefully.
(Shouting, cheering)
(Laughter)
(Birds chirp)
- (Peggy) Wait! Rhoda! - (Rhoda) OK, I'll walk slowly.
(Indistinct chatter)
- Here it is. - Oh, wait. Wait.
(Indistinct chatter)
- (Peggy) Make sure nobody's coming. - (Rhoda) I am! Ain't he lovely?
(Peggy) No one's watching. Show us how you kiss him.
- Oh, go on. - Go on! Quick!
(Peggy) Go on!
(Laughter)
(Peggy) Isn't he lovely?
(Rhoda) I think he's got a lovely face.
- (Laughter) - (Branch snaps)
(Whispers) Shh! Someone's watching us.
(Whistles)
(Laughter)
- (Rhoda) He's a coward! Let's go. - (Muriel) Oh, wait!
- (Daniel whistles) - (Peggy) Come on, Muriel.
Stupid cat.
(Dog barks)
(Oven door slams)
(Tuts)
Mum, you did promise.
And his grandfather's a very old man. You did say you would.
Oh, I know I promised, darling,
but they've called this emergency meeting at the Women's Institute.
I can't let them down now, can I?
You do understand, darling, don't you, hm?
Mm.
Perhaps another day, sweetie, yeah?
Oh! Kiss Mummy goodbye. Come on.
Mmm.
Now, don't watch too much television
and wash that cup up for me, sweetie, will you?
- (Door opens, closes) - (Cat meows)
(Baby cries)
She couldn't come.
She had to go to a stupid old meeting.
(Sighs)
It was rather urgent, though.
But I've come instead.
So I'll help you put the... Granddad's dinner on.
And do the washing-up. Anything you like.
(Chatter)
(Chatter)
Mornin'.
Here ya are.
(Raucous chatter)
(Chatter continues)
I will not start assembly until I have quiet.
Quiet!
(Bell rings)
(Chatter stops)
We will now sing hymn number...
...65 in your hymn books.
(Piano starts)
♪ Holy, Holy, Holy
♪ Lord God, Almighty
♪ Early in the morning
♪ Our song shall to Thee
(Singing drowns speech)
♪ Holy, Holy, Holy
♪ Merciful and mighty
♪ God in three persons
♪ Blessed Trinity
♪ Holy, Holy, Holy
♪ All the saints adore Thee
♪ Casting down their golden crowns
♪ Around the glassy sea
♪ Cherubim and Seraphim
♪ Falling down before Thee
♪ Which wert and art
♪ And evermore shalt be ♪
(Tuba scales play)
(Cello end pin knocks on floor)
(Girls giggle)
- You know the other day... - I know.
He got one pea and shot it in the back of my neck.
- (Rhoda chuckles) - (Melody) It went down my back.
(Both giggle)
You know that one when he went shooting right past me.
Knocked me flying.
(Both giggle)
- I was... - (Door opens)
(Door closes)
Rhoda.
(Whispers) Good luck.
(Door closes)
(Plays scales)
(Plays "Frère Jacques")
(Both play "Frère Jacques")
(Mouths song words)
(Door opens)
Daniel, run this note over to Mr Dicks for me, would you, please?
(Door closes)
(Cello clatters)
(Laughter)
(Guffaws)
(Laughter)
(Mrs Latimer) I mean, really!
(Chuckles)
(Laughter continues)
(Neville clears throat)
Hm, this is the first time I've ever made this, Betty. How do you like it?
(Betty) Oh, it's beautiful!
So, I said, "If he's ready for a partnership, well, so am I."
Well, he can't be more than 28, 29, can he?
No. I remember when he was Daniel's age. Do you know...?
I mean, it's absolutely amazing the things one hears doing social welfare.
Well, eat your lasagne, darling. Come on.
- How are you getting on at school? - Oh, wonderfully.
Come on. Eat up, eat up.
I mean, for instance, there's this Mrs Murphy I visit every Thursday.
Just two rooms in Packington Street.
- Yes? - I want some bread.
- Eight children and she's not yet 30! - (George laughs)
- Not crispbread. I don't like crispbread. - (Betty) I don't know how you do it.
- Really? - Oh! What do you say to her?
I want white bread.
I know he's related, but you can't say I haven't stuck to it.
- Oh, but have you stuck to it...? - (George laughs)
- They're so oblivious to it all. - To the squalor?
Look, he doesn't like brown crispbread, either.
- To the squalor, to the birth control. - He hasn't eaten his.
She thinks all she has to do is ask God for help.
(Guffaws)
And her troubles will go with praying.
Just by putting her hands together.
It's not just the hands she should put together.
(Laughter)
Oh, Neville! Neville, not in front of Daniel, darling.
- All right, love? - Yes, thanks. Excuse me.
Oh, dar-ling! Well, fetch a cloth, sweetheart. Quickly. Come along.
- I'm sorry. - That's how it goes.
But it's not her fault, really. It's her religion. It's that Pope again.
(Chuckles) Can I have your plates, please?
His Holiness gets the credit for every unexpected baby
that arrives between here and Camden Town.
Well, mop it up, darling.
(Mrs Latimer) They honestly think family planning is done in heaven.
(Chuckles) Come on, darling.
Oh, Daniel, darling, you haven't finished your dinner. Never mind.
- (Betty) Lovely dinner. - (Mrs Latimer) Good.
Neville, if I put the car in, do I get double relief?
(Mrs Latimer) I've always wanted to use the Carrier Recipe Cards...
Yes... Wait till you see what's next.
- (Man 2 on TV) 'Darling, is that you? - Yes, it's me.
'Although I can't see you,
'somehow something deep inside me tells me that you're there.
'Darling, I'll always be there.
(Man 2) 'You will, darling. Promise you will.
'Of course I will.
'Although it's funny, lying here.
'It makes one think of... well, all sorts of things.'
Did you remember to get your pink dress from the cleaner's, love?
- No, I forgot. - Oh, I don't know.
You'll forget your head one of these days, you will, really.
The man made me forget.
What man?
The man in the raincoat on the cemetery.
- On the cemetery?! - On the cemetery?
I thought I told you not to go there. What did he do?
- Nothing. - What do you mean, nothing?
He, he didn't touch you, did he?
What do you mean?
Did he...?
Did he touch you?
No. Well, not really.
What do you mean? Did he touch you or didn't he?
No, he didn't touch me.
But what did he do? Did he show you anything?
What sort of thing?
His...
- Did he show you his legs? - Oh, yes.
- (Plate clatters) - (Mum) Oh, my God.
- I saw his legs, all right. - Tell me what happened. I'll kill him.
Is he still there? Mum, tell Mr Turnstall to go to the police station.
- No, he's not there now. - Where is he, then?
- He ran away. - Ran away?
- The brick nearly hit him. - Did you throw a brick?
Oh, no. The boy did.
The boy with the green ears and the ginger moustache with a spear in his head.
Wearing frogman's flippers with a machine gun.
This is no joke, my girl. You put the fear of God into me.
It's a good job your father's not here. You'd get a bloody good hiding.
You can go to your room. You're getting a bit to lippy!
I should have had my mouth washed out with soap and water if I told fibs like that.
Goodness knows I should!
He's not got green ears at all, Gran.
He's quite a nice boy, really.
(Chatter)
Do you think I could sit next to you?
Well, I don't know. My friend Maureen normally sits there.
(Laughter)
(Indistinct chatter)
Oh, lover boy!
(Laughter)
Oi, go on! Move over!
Shut up!
I'm warning you, man.
- Do you want some? - No.
- (Ornshaw) No? - (Indistinct chatter)
(Rhoda giggles)
♪ Da de da de da da dum
♪ Da de da de da da dum
♪ Ooh, yeah
♪ Da de da de da da da de da de da da
♪ Da de da de da da dum
♪ Yes, I see you
♪ When you walk down the street
♪ And I'm thinking
♪ "Oh, I wish we could meet"
♪ Though I haven't made you look my way
♪ I'm working on it night and day
♪ Oh, I'd like to Take you out for a ride
♪ On my bike, you
♪ Yes, you fill me with pride
♪ Though our love is not yet here to stay
♪ I'm working on it night and day
♪ I bet you are thinking I'm just a shy guy ♪
A bad turnout.
It gets worse every month.
Hey, look at Swailscroft. She thinks she knows it all.
Go on, Tom. Dance with her.
No, you won't get me out there, mate.
(Headmaster) Come on, Ornshaw.
Sock it to me!
I don't know how he's got the nerve. Look at him. A grown man.
I wish I had a camera, the nit!
Why doesn't he stick to belting the life out of us all?
All this trendy rigmarole makes me sick.
(Indistinct chatter)
Do you fancy an orange drink? There's not many people round the counter now.
Yeah, well, there's not many people here, is there? We'd be better off up west.
He'll be whacking us next, singing "Hey Jude" at the same time!
(Indistinct chatter)
♪ I'm working on it night and day
(Ornshaw) You don't know where you stand. Either they're headmasters or they're not.
Why are they trying to be our friends? I don't want him to be my friend.
I've got to dance with her.
You're mad! What do you wanna do that for?
She'll only say, "Buzz off' or something. She's a bit stuck up, that one.
Now, all this girl nonsense is rubbish.
Girls are a load of snotty-nosed little so-and-sos.
♪ Da de da de da da dum
♪ Yeah, da de... ♪
Look, if I dance with her, will you dance with her friend?
Come off it! You gotta be joking!
Come on. Just this once.
Who's scared, then?
(Jeering)
Look. It looks as though she's wet herself.
Come on! Don't be scared!
- Go on. - All right, all right. All right.
Ready?
My friend and I were wondering if you would like...
Come on, do you wanna dance?
(Girls giggle)
Would you like to dance?
Come on, do you wanna bloody dance?!
(Laughter)
(Music continues)
I don't think I want to dance with you. You don't dance very well.
What do you mean I don't dance very well?
You dance stupid!
You big fat fool!
♪ I thought you were real
♪ I'll be calling all my loving out for you
♪ Though I haven't made you look my way
♪ I'm working on it night and day
♪ Darling, working on it night and day
♪ Ooh, yeah
♪ Da de da de da da dum
♪ One more time
♪ Da de da de da da dum ♪
(Chatter)
(Ornshaw) Let's see it work, then.
It's a load of rubbish! It'll never work!
- Look at it! - It's useless!
(Indistinct chatter)
- Yeah, I know. A big bomb. - Start the other one.
(Indistinct chatter)
It'll never work, mate.
Ugh! Ugh!
(Laughs) Lads, come on!
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ And so say all of us! ♪
(Mum) Melody, your tea's ready.
(Whispers) Blimey.
(Mum) Hurry up, love. Your kipper'll get cold.
(Starting pistol fires)
(Cheering)
(Chatter)
(Laughter)
I'm in the 440 yards.
I can't understand why.
Never ran more than 100 yards in my life.
I shouldn't have forged old Jenkins' signature on my card.
Well, I'm in the 220. Wish I wasn't.
I'd rather be in the long jump. Then no one can see you.
Make a fool of yourself in private.
Yeah, but that's not what it's all about, is it?
You can't have people raving about winners if there's no berks like you and me
running around making fools of ourselves, coming last.
I mean, some people are winners and some people are losers.
Who says who's gonna be what?
Well, don't ask me. That's all done before we get on this Earth.
I mean, it's Him up there.
He says, er, "You're gonna be red hot at the triple jump,
"and you, you're gonna be bloody useless."
I mean, who landed me with her?
(Ornshaw) Oh...
Well... it's Him up there, innit?
Once He's got it in for you, you're right up the pictures.
I don't know what you're worried about. You haven't got it that bad.
Why haven't I?
Well, take, for instance, there's your painting. You're good at that.
There's your model-making. You're good at that. Your stamp-collecting.
Think of all the kids who'd like to have a stamp collection like yours.
That's just the trouble.
I don't like stamps any more.
Don't worry. We'll have the last laugh of this lot, and Him up there.
We'll jack this school lark in, give old Dicks over there the old "V" sign
and shoot off and do whatever we wanna do.
You mark my words. It'll happen before you can say, "Jack Robinson."
(♪ THE BEE GEES: "To Love Somebody")
(Cheering)
♪ There's a light
♪ A certain kind of light
♪ That never shone on me
♪ I want my life to be
♪ Lived with you
♪ Lived with you
♪ There's a way
♪ Everybody say
♪ To do each and every little thing
♪ But what does it bring
♪ If I ain't got you?
♪ Ain't got?
♪ Baby, you don't know what it's like
♪ Baby, you don't know what it's like
♪ To love somebody
♪ To love somebody
♪ The way I love you
♪ In my brain
♪ I see your face again
♪ I know my frame of mind
♪ You ain't got to be so blind
♪ And I'm blind
♪ So, so, so blind
♪ I'm a man
♪ Can't you see what I am?
♪ I live and I breathe for you
♪ But what good does it do
♪ If I ain't got you
♪ Ain't got?
♪ Baby, you don't know what it's like
♪ Baby, you don't know what it's like
♪ To love somebody
♪ To love somebody
♪ The way I love you
♪ Oh, you don't know what it's like
♪ Baby, you don't know what it's like
♪ To love somebody
♪ To love somebody
♪ The way I love you
♪ No, no, no, no, no
♪ You don't know what it's like
♪ You don't know what it's like... ♪
(Chatter)
Right, open your Young Latin Scholar Book One with the grey cover.
Page 27, the section I asked you to prepare.
"Around the Forum."
Right, Latimer, read and translate, please.
Er...
- (Ornshaw coughs) - Erm...
Come on, Latimer. It is prepared homework.
Erm...
Huius est... civ-it-is
longe... ampliss...ima.
Amplissima, Latimer.
"Eee ma" not "eye ma".
Amplissima actoritas.
Not "asss", Latimer. "Ah-ss".
(Laughter)
You should be able to pronounce that.
Right, Latimer. Translate, please.
Er...
Erm...
Come on, Latimer. It should be prepared homework.
I'm afraid I haven't done it, sir.
- Take two, Latimer. Bursary 3.30. - (Boy 12 barks)
Translate, Ornshaw.
(Sniggering)
Right, sir, erm...
(Sniffles) Got a bit of a cold, sir.
Erm...
Right. Er...
Er...
Erm...
Take two, Ornshaw.
Bursary 3.30.
Translate, Fensham.
The, erm...
All right, then.
Don't worry about it.
Stick with me, you'll be OK.
(Indistinct chatter)
- Come on. - No!
Venite.
(Door closes)
Ornshaw and Latimer.
Come in, gentlemen.
Right, Romulus and Remus, stand over there.
Stand up, Ornshaw, lad. Stand up.
And vacate your mouth.
Now, why are you here, Ornshaw?
Because you invited me, sir.
(Chuckles) And why did I invite you, Ornshaw?
Because I couldn't translate the Latin, sir.
Why, Ornshaw? Why?
Because it's a bloody silly out-of-date language do you mean, sir?
Two was it, Ornshaw?
I think we make it four.
And why do you think it's a silly out-of-date language, Ornshaw?
Because I couldn't speak to a dead Roman even if I knew the bloody lingo, sir.
Now, do not vex me, Ornshaw. Do not vex me, lad.
I think we make that a nice round sexbenissimo.
That's "six of the best" in Latin.
Game, set and match to me, I think.
Julius Caesar here is going to be very displeased with you, Ornshaw.
Bend over, please.
Ooh!
(Gasps)
Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
All right, next one, please, Latimer.
Satchel off, boy.
Ah!
(Ornshaw) Going to orchestra practice?
You waiting for old Dicks, are you?
Well, you'll be late home.
Why don't you shoot off now? There's no point in hanging around.
Is old Swailscroft waiting for you, is she?
Well, she'll be gone now. Why don't you pop along?
I don't know why you're hanging around here. Honest, I don't.
I told you it'd be easy, didn't I?
(Sobs)
Come on, Danny. Don't let her see you cry.
I don't know what she's hanging about for. Do you?
I told her to hop it, but she keeps on hanging about. Tell her to buzz off.
Give us that. He's a scream old Dicks, isn't he?
His little Julius Caesar! (Chuckles)
You can buzz of now, love.
You know, ta-ta, toodle-oo.
I thought we'd go to the bomb site.
Old Dadds has got the most incredible bomb you've ever seen in your life.
He's got a...
He's got a Coca-Cola bottle and he soaked it in...
He got some socks and soaked it in petrol.
And he got some phosphorus, what he nicked from the lab. What...?
After that I thought we'd shoot down the arcade. I've got millions of pennies.
Er, we could go on the tank-firing range, or, or...
Or, erm, the fruit machines, Danny. You like the fruit machines.
Or, erm... The football game.
You know you like having a go on that.
Erm, we could go to the Odeon and see that picture we was talking about.
Or go to the zoo, museums, anywhere.
Danny! Danny!
Danny!
Danny!
(♪ THE BEE GEES: "First Of May")
♪ When I was small
♪ And Christmas trees were tall
♪ We used to love while others used to play
♪ Don't ask me why
♪ But time has passed us by
♪ Someone else moved in from far away
♪ Now we are tall
♪ And Christmas trees are small
♪ And you don't ask the time of day
♪ But you and I
♪ Our love will never die
♪ But guess we'll cry
♪ Come first of May
♪ The apple tree that grew for you and me
♪ I watched the apples falling one by one
♪ And I recall
♪ The moment of them all
♪ The day I kissed your cheek and you were mine
♪ Now we are tall
♪ And Christmas trees are small
♪ And you don't ask the time of day
♪ But you and I
♪ Our love will never die
♪ But guess we'll cry
♪ Come first of May
♪ When I was small
♪ And Christmas trees were tall
♪ Do do do do do do do do do
♪ Don't ask me why
♪ But time has passed us by
♪ Someone else moved in from far away ♪
(Birds chirp)
- May I have my bag, please? - Yeah.
My friend Muriel, you know the big one.
Well, she says that you've been going around telling people that you love me.
I don't mind it. It's just that, well, people laugh at you, don't they?
And, well, if you have to tell someone, why not tell me?
I'm always the last to know.
Nice here, isn't it?
Yeah.
My mum doesn't like me coming here, but I'm not frightened, are you?
No.
That gravestone there...
"Here lies my beloved and beautiful Ella Jane.
"Wife and lifelong friend.
"Thank you for 50 years of happiness.
"Laid to rest July 7th, 1893.
"Henry James McDevitt. Gone to join his Ella Jane, September the 11th, 1893."
He only lasted two months after she died.
He must have loved her very much.
50 years' happiness. How long's 50 years?
Erm... 150 school terms, not including holidays.
Will you love me that long?
I don't think you will.
Of course. I've loved you a whole week already, haven't I?
(♪ THE BEE GEES: "Come First Of May")
♪ The apple tree that grew for you and me
♪ I watched the apples falling one by one
♪ And I recall
♪ The moment of them all
♪ The day I kissed your cheek
♪ And you were mine
♪ Now we are tall
♪ And Christmas trees are small
♪ And you don't ask the time of day
♪ But you and I
♪ Our love will never die
♪ But guess we'll cry
♪ Come first of May
♪ When I was small
♪ And Christmas trees were tall
♪ Do do do do do do do do do ♪
He's come to tea.
(Plate clatters)
His name's Daniel.
Pleased to meet you, Daniel.
I suppose I've got enough tea. I brought extra cos your dad's home.
He's out on bail.
(Snickers) I'll take your satchel for you.
Oh, thanks. Here.
Thank you.
Hello, Melody, love! (Chuckles)
Mwah. How've ya been?
All right, thank you.
Who's this? - A mate from school, aren't you, dear?
Aren't you coming in, then, love?
Come on. Up to the table.
He's not simple, is he?
No.
Hm.
Oh. (Chuckles)
Nice bit of ham, Flo.
Not bad, is it?
Are you in the, er, the Boy Scouts, Donald?
- Daniel. - Er, Daniel?
- No, the BB. - (Father) Ah.
I was in the Boy Scouts. I was really.
Marvellous it was.
All those steaming-hot cups of cocoa. Suet pudding.
Singsongs round the campfire.
♪ Oh, we're riding along on the crest of a wave
♪ And the sun... ♪ (Chuckles)
Oh, cor, some of the things we used to get up to. Oh, dear me.
(Chuckles)
When the new boy arrived we used to mix some bootblack and toothpaste
and spread it all over...
(Chuckles nervously)
Reg, do you mind? We're eating.
(Grandma) I always think ham is nicest straight off the bone.
Always is.
- Go to the pictures much, do you, David? - Daniel.
Daniel?
Er, yes. Quite a bit.
Hm. When I think of the pictures I always remember my father.
When I used to ask him for sixpence for the pictures,
he'd say, "There's pictures on the wall."
"I wanna see the moving pictures," I used to say.
"I'll make them bloody move," and threw his boot at the wall. (Guffaws)
Oh, dear me. (Chuckles)
My Ernie always used to say that moving pictures ruins your eye sight.
Would you like some fish paste, Daniel?
"The continual flickering," he used to say,
"puts your eyeballs off centre."
That reminds me of my uncle Roger. (Chuckles)
He was deaf ever since a bomb hit Burwell Street during the war.
Recently, he read this ad in the paper about redressing the balance of the ear,
so he tried it and it worked.
So, erm, he was overjoyed.
Oh, yeah. He'd been deaf for 20 years.
Anyway, they had a bit of a celebration, you know,
and he was opening a bottle of champagne, the cork flew out, knocked his eye out.
(Chuckles) Knocked his eye out.
Life can be very cruel like that.
(Chatter)
(Male teacher) Quiet. Quiet!
(Chatter stops)
- (Sighs) Abrahams. - (Boy 13) Here.
- Boone. - (Girl 3) Here.
- Gates. - (Boy 14) Yes, miss.
- Gresham. - (Boy 15) Yes, miss.
- Hopgood. - Miss.
- Ingledon. - (Boy 16) Yes, miss.
- (Fellows) Livingstone? - (Boy 17) Yeah.
Latimer.
Latimer? Daniel Latimer?
- Losey. - (Boy 18) Sir.
- (Fairfax) Peters. - (Boy 19) Yes, miss.
Perkins.
Perkins? Not in today.
Rogers.
(♪ THE BEE GEES: "Give Your Best")
♪ I'm just a clown
♪ That used to run around
♪ I used to have a million friends
♪ I used to start where everybody ends
♪ But I just give my best to my friends
♪ I've done my shows
♪ Everybody knows
♪ I nearly sold all my clothes
♪ One man can give
♪ Another has to lend
♪ So I just give my best to my friends
♪ And so you should
♪ And when you think that your life isn't right
♪ You know the day isn't always like night
♪ You've had your peace
♪ Now it's time for you to fight
♪ Just give your best to your friends
♪ I'm just a clown
♪ That used to run around
♪ I used to have a million friends
♪ I used to start where everybody ends
♪ But I just give my best to my friends
♪ And when you think that your life isn't right
♪ You know the day isn't always like night
♪ You've had your peace
♪ Now it's time for you to fight
♪ Just give your best to your friends ♪
(Applause)
(Seagulls squawk)
I should be doing English with Miss Fairfax by now.
- What should you be doing? - Erm... dunno.
- Geography I think. - I quite like geography.
So do I.
Melody?
- Yeah? - Do you like new maths?
They're OK.
I think I like history best.
Eugh! (Chuckles)
Well, sometimes I like it, but mostly I hate it.
(Waves crash, seagulls squawk)
My dad doesn't like the seaside.
He says he gets the sand in his ears or something.
Whenever we go to the seaside Dad always stays at home.
In the pubs mostly.
We always travel together.
We don't get out of the car, though, really.
(Chuckles) They generally have a row on the way down.
And don't speak to each other until we get back home.
Hey, Melody, look what I've got!
- That's good! - See?
(Melody chuckles)
Shall we get married?
One day, perhaps.
Why does the water always seep away?
How old do you have to be, you reckon?
Perhaps if we put the stones in first, then maybe it'll stay.
I don't know. As old as our parents I suppose.
If we wait that long, we might be old miseries.
Most old people I know are old miseries.
I honestly don't know. When you're older you're supposed to know it all.
Perhaps that's what makes them so fed up.
(Sighs) I don't know.
I really don't know.
Oh! It's freezing!
I'm going in.
(Indistinct chatter, laughter)
Come over here.
So, we've taken it upon ourselves
to move the summer holidays forward a trifle, have we?
And where did you decide to go
whilst your colleagues went about their daily scholastic duties?
Battersea Funfair.
That's always a favourite.
Battersea Funfair, was it?
The seaside, sir.
The seaside?
You do realise the enormity of this fundamental breach of school discipline?
It's... it's not a minor of fence, Latimer, and, er... Perkins.
Not a minor of fence.
If you're gallivanting off somewhere, you can't be at school
and if you can't be at school, we can't teach you.
And if we can't teach you, you'll end up raving imbeciles
like the generation above you.
I don't encourage corporal punishment in this school,
but there are occasions when a lesson has to be taught.
However...
...you're both rather young.
One hesitates to use extremely severe measures.
But for your own good try to see the error of these immature pranks.
Think of your careers.
Think of life's rich tapestry that lies before you. (Chuckles)
Look, I understand. I was young myself once.
Long time ago, of course. (Chuckles)
But I realised eventually what my priorities were.
- So do we, sir. - So do you what?
Realise what our, er... priorities are, sir.
Good for you, Latham.
Er... er, Latimer. (Chuckles)
I see our little pow wow has had some effect, eh?
Got your priorities right, have you?
Yes, sir. We want to get married.
Oh! (Chuckles)
My word, you've got a lot to learn.
(Chuckles) I've heard some funny things in my time.
I don't think it's very funny, sir.
- You don't think it's very funny? - No, sir.
And, er, you, young lady? Do you think it's very funny?
Not really, sir.
I assume you've already promised
your fair, freckled first-form hand in marriage to this young gentleman?
I don't really know, sir.
I don't really understand what it all means, sir.
You don't understand what it all means?
You don't understand what it all means?
You're treating us as though we were stupid.
All we want to do is to be with one another all the time.
And we thought that meant getting married! Doesn't it?!
It's not meant to be funny!
Don't you understand?
Now, look here, young man. I've been extremely patient with you.
I'm willing to overlook your gross ignorance of the young lady.
God knows we've only ourselves to blame for that.
But your impertinence is getting a little out of hand.
The matter is finished. Do you understand me? Finished!
(Chatter)
(Shouting, cheering)
(Chatter stops)
(Girl 4) Temper.
(Whispers)
Burgess says is it too late to propose?
(Laughter)
(Chatter, laughter)
(Class hums "The Wedding March")
I suppose you've got her mother's approval?
♪ La la la la
Hope she doesn't forget to come to the wedding.
♪ La la la la... ♪
(Shouting)
(Shouting, jeering)
What do you think you're playing at, you pair of hooligans?
Now, all of you get back to your places. Go on. Sit down and keep quiet.
And open your Young Latin Primer at page 24.
I'll talk to you later, Ornshaw.
(Chuckles) It's a great pity you're not more in love with your work, Latimer.
I'm sorry, Danny.
I didn't mean to.
(Thunder rumbles)
(Music drowns speech)
(Reg) You really like this little lad, do you?
You know, that's fine, you know.
We always look forward to you bringing your boyfriends home.
And he, he seems a nice type of... lad.
That's just the trouble, though. He's only a little lad.
And you're only a little girl.
"Our little sunshine" your mum calls you.
I know it's difficult to understand, love,
but people just don't get married at your age.
They wait to see if they like one another when they're older.
How old?
Well... in their 20s. Older sometimes.
But that's twice as old as I am now.
I know it is, love.
Only seemed like yesterday I was seen changing your nappies.
I know, but we want to be together now.
Think of all the schooling you've got to do yet, love.
And you like school, don't you?
I-I've got all your reports. We often look at 'em, don't we, Mum?
I know, but I like being with Daniel more than I like doing geography.
Sweetheart, there are lots of things we haven't explained to you yet about...
...life and all sorts of things.
I know, but why is it so difficult when all I want to do is be happy.
We want you to be happy, love.
Then why can't you help me instead of keep putting things in my way?
I just don't understand it.
I just can't think why it's so terrible.
Please tell me cos I just don't understand.
(Sobs)
Tell me, please.
(Clocks ticks)
Hm, oh!
Good morning, Mrs Latimer. What can I do for you this splendid morning?
(Mrs Latimer speaks indistinctly)
Elope? What do you mean, elope?
Oh! I...
I'm sure you're quite wrong. I saw them in class myself, scarcely ten minutes ago.
(Intercom buzzes)
Well, of course I'm sure.
Look, if you like, I'll pop down myself and make certain,
but I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
(Mrs Latimer continues to speak)
(Mouths)
Hello. Headmaster's secretary. Can I help you?
♪ Pom pom pom pom pom... ♪
Er... shouldn't you be taking 2C for English?
Well, I'm supposed to, but they never turned up.
Never turned up?
They didn't come back after morning break.
- (Gasps) - (Headmaster) Where are they?
Where are who?
The class, boy. The class.
They've gone to get married.
Where, boy? Where?
Under the arches, down by the railway line.
Railway line.
And all the people were shouting, "Just wait until Lenin gets here."
(Both speak indistinctly)
Right, children, carry on reading till I get back.
(Fairfax) "Upon the place beneath...
"It is twice blessed.
- (Mouths) - "It blesseth him that gives..."
(Exhales) Er, no, thank you. I've had mine.
- "'Tis the mightiest in..." - (Mouths)
Oh, yes, of course.
Erm, oh, proceed with the lesson until I return.
No, it's all right, Saunders. I'll take over. You hold the fort.
(Engine starts)
(Tyres screech)
What's going on?
- Where are they? - Don't worry. Follow me.
Everything's under control.
(Tyres screech)
(Music drowns speech)
(Engine revs)
- Headmaster, there he goes! - Not now, madam.
- I'll go and cut off his retreat. - Yes, yes. Follow him.
- He'll lead us to them. - Where? Where?
Miss Dimkins, cover Dicks.
The rest of you, we'll comb that area.
(Ornshaw) Dearly beloved.
We are gathered here today in the sight of God
to join together this man and woman in holy matrimony.
(Giggling)
Shut up!
Well, it's not funny. It's serious.
Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife and live together...? (Mumbles)
Will you?
- I will. - Yeah, I thought you might.
(Train passes overhead)
(Headmaster) Ah!
When Dicks flushes them out,
I'll cut off the left flank, you bring up the rear.
- Yes, Headmaster. - Where?
Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband and live together... (Mumbles)
Will you?
I will.
(Ornshaw) Good. Right.
- I now pronounce you man and... - (Door bangs)
Quick, get out! Dicks is coming!
(Screaming)
(Ornshaw) Dicks!
(Shouting)
(♪ CROSBY, STILLS & NASH: "Teach Your Children")
♪ You who are on the road
♪ Must have a code that you can live by
♪ And so become yourself
(Shouting)
♪ Because the past is just a goodbye
♪ Teach your children well
♪ Their father's hell did slowly go by
♪ And feed them on your dreams
♪ The one they picks
♪ The one you'll know by
(Rhoda) Leave 'em alone, you horrible old man!
♪ Don't you ever ask them why
♪ If they told you, you will cry
♪ So just look at them and sigh
♪ And know they love you
(Shouting)
(Mrs Latimer) Danny!
(Screaming)
Daniel! Daniel, your mother wants you!
♪ Before they can die
♪ Teach your parents well
♪ Their children's hell will slowly go by
♪ And feed them on your dreams
(Ornshaw) Come on! Hurry up!
♪ The one they picks
♪ The one you'll know by
♪ Don't you ever ask them why
♪ If they told you, you will cry
♪ So just look at them and sigh
♪ And know they love you
(Shouting, screaming)
Hey up! Hey up!
I've done it.
(Dicks) I'll get you, Ornshaw.
(Ornshaw) In there! Get in!
(Shouting, cheering)
♪ Don't you ever ask them why
♪ If they told you, you will cry
♪ So just look at them and sigh
♪ And know they love you
(Gasps, groans)
(Cheering)
♪ And you of tender years
♪ Can't know the fears
♪ That your elders grew by
♪ And so please help them with your youth
♪ They seek the truth before they can die
Oi! Use the trolley! Come on! Hurry up!
♪ And teach your parents well
♪ Their children's hell will slowly go by
And don't forget to change at Clapham Junction.
♪ And feed them on your dreams
♪ The one they picks The one you'll know by
Now, now, Ornshaw. Control yourself.
Come on, Mr Dicks. Take it like a man.
♪ If they told you, you will cry
Come back here, you fat git!
♪ So just look at them and sigh
♪ And know they love you
♪ Teach your parents well
♪ Their children's hell
♪ Will slowly go by
♪ And feed them on your dreams
♪ The one they picks
♪ The one you'll know by
♪ Don't you ever ask them why
♪ If they told you, you will cry
♪ So just look at them and sigh
♪ And know they love you ♪