S*P*Y*S (1974) - full transcript

In 1974, flanked by such filmic monuments to paranoia and corruption as Chinatown and The Parallax View, Elliott Gould and Donald Sutherland tried to re-create the screwball nonchalance of their earlier M*A*S*H performances in this lightweight spy spoof, directed by Irvin Kershner. Gould and Sutherland play two CIA agents-Griff and Bruland-who are marked for death by their own agency after botching the defection of a Russian ballet dancer (Michael Petrovich). As they repeatedly mess up their assignments and wriggle out of tight corners, they not only find themselves pursued by the CIA, but also by the KGB, the Chinese Communists, and a terrorist group that wants to destroy the CIA.

[No Audible Dialogue]

♫♫[Men Singing]

♫♫[Men Singing]


[All Screaming]

[Speaking French]


[All Chattering In French]

- What's the idea of coming here?
- They tried to get me, sir.

With a bomb... when I went to make
that last pickup.

- A bomb?
- Yes, sir. The one who planted it got away...

- but it was definitely K.G.B.
- You sure?

Absolutely, sir.
He had that demented Russian look.

- [Man] They've been on a nonviolent kick lately.
- It's him! Take cover!

Let go, you idiot!
He is one of us! Brulard!

- [Brulard] Careful! Careful, sir.
- Where did you get that goon?

- Who?
- Take it easy.

- You!
- Take it easy.

Take it easy? You know, Martinson,
I was almost killed today.

I was almost killed today.

Martinson, what's going on? I was
supposed to go to the pissoir and make a pickup.

I was supposed to go to
the pissoir and make a pickup.

- Why don't you read your orders, junior?
- Who is this nutcase?

Brulard, Griffin.
Griffin, Brulard.

He called me a nutcase.
I've got eight field commendations, junior.

- Stop calling me junior.
- I'm fluent in seven languages, junior.

- Top that.
- I got laid in the fourth grade.

That is enough. Drop it!

Brulard thinks it was the K.G.B.

I say it was not the K.G.B.,
and I know who it was.

- [Together] Who?
- Turn it off.

- What?
- Debug the room!

Come on.

Come on.

This isn't bugged.

Wh-Where do you think this is?
The White House?

Come on, boss. You're wasting our time.

I give you my word.
This room is clean.

Now, no one will know
what is said in here except the three of us.

- I believe you, sir.
- Oh, you do, huh?

Thank you, Brulard.
I appreciate that.

Griff, where you going?

What are you doing? Hessler!

- [Griff] Do you still believe him?
- Yes, sir.

- I told you to stop doing that.
- I'm sorry, sir, but I thought that you...

You are not supposed to think! Out!

Yes, sir.
I'll certainly get right...

[Sighs] All right, Griff.
Let's have it.

- Who tried to kill ya?
- You did.

- That's crazy.
- That's ridiculous. Why would I try to kill you?

- What makes you think it was us?
- Technique.

The Chinese are quiet, right?
The Russians are quick, and we're sloppy.

And it was a sloppy job, Martinson!

- That's not evidence.
- You can tell us the truth now.

- Now look...
- Tell us the truth.

- All right. It was us.
- I don't believe it.

It was us, but I didn't plan it that way.
I swear.

- But...
- It was a mistake. It was just a dumb mistake.

Look. You know Klein and Stanbrook?
Well, they are faces.

We found out they're working both sides
of the street. So we had to get rid of them.

- So?
- So I gave the orders to hit 'em.

Their code numbers are very close to yours.
Hessler got the numbers mixed up.

- That is how you wound up at the pissoir.
- Hessler?

Boy, oh, boy. I can understand sacrificing
your life in the line of duty for...

for freedom or for your country,
but for a clerical error?

Now don't blame Hessler.
I mean, he was swamped that day.

I mean, you know my daughter
is getting married.

Well, Hessler was busy
sending out the wedding invitations.

Did you get yours yet?
Y-You are coming to the wedding, aren't you?

- Oh, yes, sir. Yes.
- What are you answering him for?
He almost killed us.

You wanted the truth. I gave you the truth.
And this is the thanks I get. [Laughs]

- You try and be decent with people...
- Dead is dead, brother.

Decent don't count when you're dead.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna make it up to you both.

I've got a nice soft job for you both
tomorrow night. It is practically a paid vacation.

- I've heard that before.
- What is that, sir?

Hessler, bring in the Sevitsky file.

Now do me a favor, boys.

Don't say anything to Hessler about this.
He feels bad enough as it is.

How do you think I feel?

- Me too.
- Now lay offhim, will ya?

He got you mixed up
with two other guys.

- Sir.
- Well, that's all, Hessler.

Yes, sir.

- [Flushes]
- Sorry, Hessler. Got you mixed up
with some other idiot.

♫♫ [Russian Traditional]

[Man Speaking Russian]

[People Chattering In Russian]

[Woman Speaking Russian]

For a defector, he's pretty good.

Pretty good? Ha!
He won the gold medal twice.

I don't understand why they want
to have him though.

- I could understand a scientist or a writer.
- Because he likes freedom.

- Oh, yeah? I think he likes money.
- Wanna bet?

- I'll bet you 20 francs on it.
- You're on.

- Come on. Let's make contact.
- [Man Speaking French]



- Excusez-moi.
- Excuse me.

- Excusez. Mr. Sevitsky...
- Excuse me.

Worldwide Sports.
Pardonnez-moi. Excusez.

[Brulard Speaking French]

- [Griff Speaking French]
- Come on. Get in there. Right in there.

Mr. Sevitsky, uh,
we're right in here.

You have my money
and the Thunderbird?

- Oh, freedom, huh?
- Uh, um, uh, it'll be waiting for you in New York.

- Uh, what about suede jacket?
- What suede jacket?

They promised me suede jacket and pants
like I see in a magazine.

- Look, Sevitsky...
- And also...

three appearances
on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Meet us downstairs in the locker room
in 10 minutes.

Back window will be open.
We'll be in the car outside.

- Will Linda Lovelace be in the car?
- Linda Lovelace?

They promised that
I get to meet her after I see in a magazine.

- I write her beautiful letters.
- She's a very nice...

- I love her.
- Excuse us, Mr. Sevitsky.

- International Sports here.
- Worldwide Sports here. What are you guys doin'?

- Come on. Buzz off, guys.
- Piss off yourselves.

Sevitsky, we're upping our offer.
That Triumph sports car is yours.

Now I have Thunderbird.

By the by, Alexi,
Miss Liverpool is dying to meet you.

- Hey, what about Linda Lovelace,
you fickle bastard?
- Do you mind not interrupting?

- Yeah, I do.
- We're not leaving without him.

- Gentlemen, please.
- I don't know what you've got in your camera...

- but I know what I've got in mine.
- Cut the spy bullshit.


[Woman Screams]


[Brulard] These guys are crazy.
What are they doing with guns?

- Why doesn't your camera have bullets?
- Bullets?

It doesn't even have film.

[Men Shouting In Russian]


- [Woman Screams]
- I change my mind. You keep Thunderbird.

[Gunshots Continue]

[Man Shouts In Russian]




Ow. I say, l... You must believe me.

I never intended to cause anybody
any sort of damage or... Ow.

Look. Please keep your hands
out of my pockets.


- [Brulard Gasps]
- [Sevitsky] Yow!


- ♫♫[Male Chorus Singing]
- Sevitsky... [Russian]

- ♫♫[Chorus Vocalizing]
- [Shouting]

Go on.

- [Russian]
- Throw him here.

- Follow me!
- Come on.

Lift up his feet.
Lift up his feet. Thanks a lot.

- [Screams]
- Where's Sevitsky?

Sevitsky, stay...

- Come on.
- I got him. I got him.

- Get out of here, creep.
- [Screams]

Hold on to Sevitsky.

- Come on. Follow me.
- [Sevitsky] This way! This way!

- Hi, ladies.
- Get a way out of here, Griffin.

- They got ladies here.
- Find the exit.

- Watch it.
- [All Shouting]

[Sevitsky Speaking Russian]



- [Grunting]
- [Sevitsky] Come on. Hurry up.

[Trash Can Rattling]

- [Cat Screeches]
- [Groans]

- We must keep running.
- I can't run anymore. We gotta get in someplace.

- I can run for miles. It doesn't bother me.
- Yeah? Does this bother you?

- No.
- No.

- Damn French locks.
- Come on.

- All the Russian spies can pick locks.
- Shut up.


[Alarm Rings]


[Alarm Continues]

[Alarm Stops]

[Shouting In Russian]

We gotta get out of here.

- We gotta get a car.
- They said there would be no trouble.

Wouldn't have been if you
hadn't been double-dealing.

British came to me first.
I should have gone with them.

We ought to kick this bum
the hell out.

People bleeding all over the place
'cause he wants a car and a suede jacket.

It is not our job to judge him.

Yeah. Well, I do, and he's guilty.

- Of what?
- Ofbeing a schmuck!

- Shh!
- Shh.


Shh! That guy's no jock.


I've got a plan.

We haven't got much time.
We're gonna have to make a dash for it.

A d... What, are you kidding?
We're not gonna get 20 feet.

- You go see if there's a back door.
I'll hold 'em off here.
- Yeah? With what?

- I never get to America.
- America? We're lucky if we get out of here.

Oh, beautiful. Look at these colors.
Such beautiful clothes.

Look. You stay here.
Stay there.

Oh, feel this wool.

It's cashmere. Mmm!

[Men Speaking Russian]

- It fits me perfectly, no?
- Oh, beautiful. Beautiful.

Beautiful. You look like
Hart Schaffner and Karl Marx.

- You like? You like?
- Oh, gorgeous.

I save green one
for St. Patrick's Day.


- Which one you think? Which one?
- That one.

You think Linda Lovelace will like?

- Come on. Let's go.
- I take with? Yeah?

- Sure. Yeah. You take with.
- Is safe out now?

- Yeah, it's safe. It's safe.
Take this with too. And that.
- Thank you.

- You deserve it. Yeah.
You're beautiful. Take that. Follow me.
- Thank you.

- Your coast is clear?
- Right.

- I'm not sure. I don't like.
- Stop worrying, will ya?

Look, by this time tomorrow...

you're gonna be driving around
in a brand-new Thunderbird, okay?

So listen.
When I open the door...

you just walk slowly
across the courtyard.

I'll be right behind you.

- You'll be right behind.
- Yeah. I'll be right behind ya.

Nothin'to worry about.


- [Man] Sevitsky!
- Oh, nyet!

Open! Open!


[Men Speaking Russian]

Oh, nyet. Nyet.

- [Russian]
- [Groaning]

[Sevitsky Speaking Russian]

[Car Engine Revs]

My career was unblemished until this.

Hello, sir. Sir?

- I'm sorry to disturb you at this time, sir. This is...
- I know who it is.

I thought you'd want to be informed.
The special V.I.P. Junket to New York...

I'm telling you.
He already knows.

The whole thing is amateursville!
Now, what is the matter with you guys?

Will... Will you listen to
my version of the story, sir?

I already heard the police version.

- The company will have it by now.
- That is not the true story.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure I believe you.

How much did the Russians
pay you guys?

I resent that implication, sir.
Sir, I suggest you're overreacting.

- When you hear what Griffin has to say, sir...
- Is Griff with you now?

Yes, sir.
If we can just come over to your place, sir...

No, you cannot come over. Uh...

How long will it take you
to get over to your place?

- About half an hour, sir.
- Both of you wait for me there. Understand?

Yes, sir.

- Bubeleh.
- Oh, shut up. I'll be back in about an hour.

You wait. Bloody business.

...knew that no matter how tough the job,
I'd come through.

I had a reputation for reliability,
for thoroughness...

- As soon as Martinson gets here,
tell him what you did.
- What did I do?

- You know.
- All I know is we'd better find a place to hide...

- until we get some money.
- I could get fired for this!

Fired? You could get killed,
you idiot.

- If there are any dead Russians
in that gym, we've had it.
- What?

The Russians put pressure on Martinson,
we're as good as dead, brother.

- [Brulard] Bullshit!
- Bullshit, yeah?

- What about the agreement of'72?
- What agreement of'72?

- You know: A corpse for a corpse.
- That's crazy.

- We kill our own agent?
- How much higher we gotta climb?

- That's crazy. Anyway, we didn't shoot anybody.
- But we started it, didn't we?

- We took off with Sevitsky.
- Martinson will protect me.
I got eight field commendations.

- Sure.
- He invited me to his daughter's wedding.

- I believe in the agency.
- Yeah, well, I wish you believed in elevators.

There's your wedding invitation.



- [Griff] Well, partner, I think you've been fiired.
- But I'm up for promotion!

[Siren Wailing]

[Siren Fades]

- It doesn't make sense.
- Yeah, well, nothing makes sense.

It doesn't make sense
because they spent $50,000 training me...

and now they're trying to destroy all of that
with a three-dollar bomb.

- I'm gonna go see Martinson.
- You better not let him see you first...

'cause then it's wet stuff for us.

Get that through your head.

- Some Russians must have gotten killed
in that gym.
- Oh, Jesus. Jesus.

Calm down and listen to me,
'cause you don't seem to know your way around.

- Is this your hideout?
- No. This is just a drop I know.

- Got a place we could hide out?
- I know a girl.

- Oh, yeah?
- Why don't we go back to your place?

If they left a three-dollar bomb in your place,
Martinson stuck a nuclear warhead in my bed.

- Martinson's okay.
- He stinks. Money. Money.
That's what we gotta worry about.

- Got any contacts?
- What?

Contacts. Guys working both sides of the line.
Double agents, like Lafayette.

Lafayette's a criminal.
You can't trust him.

He's just a French guy
who likes pigeons. What's that?

This kit contains every basic life support...

and essential protective device,
chemical and poison.

Our manual says you must have one of these
in every major city you operate in.

- Oh, yeah.
- Boy, oh, boy.

I don't know how you ever
got into this organization.

- It was either that or the Salvation Army.
- Get that knife.

- Who's the broad?
- My mother.

- Nice-lookin' woman.
- Thank you. Get that lighter.

- It ejects LS-10 nerve gas.
- [Griff] Got it.

- LS-10 refill.
- Right.

- Hey, you even got burglar tools.
- Of course.

- Hat and tie.
- Hey. Got a pair of shorts for me?

- Yeah. I hope they're clean.
- Very nice.

Baby, it's a perfect hideout.

- Her name is Sybil. She's an anarchist.
- How'd you meet an anarchist?

You remember last year, the anarchists
who blew up the American embassy?

- Yeah.
- I sold 'em the dynamite.

You mean you helped blow up
your own embassy?

- We caught the ringleaders. That's what counts.
- That's very wise.

- [Siren Wailing]
- Hold it.

- Yeah.
- [Siren Fades]

In here. Okay.

Okay. Now, let's get
our story straight.

- She thinks I'm an out of work American.
- She's right.

Very funny.
This is just for tonight. Remember?

- Just for tonight.
- First thing in the morning, you take off.

- First thing, crack of dawn.
- Okay, now... now, we had a heavy relationship.

- Oh, yeah?
- You know what I mean?

- Sure.
- And she doesn't know my name is Brulard.

- What kind of a name is Brulard?
- Why?

- Don't sound real. That's why.
- What about Griffin? Sounds like shoe polish.

- That ain't my real name.
- Well, Brulard ain't my real name.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Hope they haven't changed
the knocking code.

- Me too.
- [Knocking]

- Sybil.
- [Woman] Yes?

- It's Seymour.
- Seymour?


Seymour, I'm Ernest.


- Hi.
- [Sybil] Just a moment, Seymour.

She'll just be a second.

She's a terrific person.
We were very tight for a while.

I haven't seen her for two months.

When you get in there,
the best kind of cover for you is just to...

quote Kropotkin a couple of times.

- Who's that?
- Kropotkin?

- Kropotkin.
- Kropotkin is the leading anarchist writer.


How long you been in the agency?


- Seymour.
- My friend Ernest.

- He's okay.
- It's been a long time. Where have you been?

I got busted.
But I used the time.

Reading, writing,
looking for answers.

- Did you find any?
- Me.

Ernest has been in a mental institution
for the last couple of years.

He just escaped.
Another victim of our sick society.

We, uh, need someplace to stay.

He's okay. He's not dangerous.

He... He's an authority on Kropotkin.

Well, I wouldn't say an authority.

[Brulard] He's being too modest.
That's why he cracked up.

He'll leave in the morning.

Excuse me for not being
more hospitable...

but it's late
and I have to be up very early.

- Hope you don't mind to sleep on this.
- He doesn't mind.

Oh, thank you very much.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here.
We need some more explosives.

Good night, Ernest.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


It happened again.

- I shouldn't have come here. You were right.
- I nearly always am.

It never fails.

If not every time,
nine times out of 10.

- What are you talkin' about?
- Her.

What about her?

Well, couldn't you see?

I mean, I came walking
through that door... Jesus...

and she literally
raped me with her eyes.

- What?
- I didn't encourage her, you know.

I wasn't encouraging her. You saw.
I didn't come on with her.

I mean, honest.
I have this effect on women.

A guy introduces me to his girl,
and she ain't the same again.

I'll flip you to see
who sleeps on the couch.

You sleep on the couch.
You're out of your mind, man.

Out of your mind.

You sleep on the couch.
Pleasant dreams.

- Seymour, is that you?
- Yeah.

I'm very tired.

- It's okay. I'll just be a second. You know me.
- [Sybil Mumbles]

Fastest undresser in the West.

Please. Be a good boy.
We'll talk tomorrow.

- Tickle, tickle, tickle.
- Don't do that.

- Tickle, tickle, tickle.
- [Giggling]

- Tickle, tickle, tickle.
- [Laughing]

- Tickle, tickle, tickle. Tickle, tickle, tickle.
- [Laughing]

[Chuckles Nervously]

Sybil and I are like
brother and sister.

I'm sorry, uh, I woke you up. I was, uh...
I was on my way to the bathroom.

And it...

Like what we used to do.
[Chuckles] Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Lost my socks.

Well, good night, everybody.

Good night.

- [Sighs]
- L... I wouldn't have believed it.

- Nine times out of 10.
- It's incredible.

Well, she's all yours.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. She told me
to send you right in.

You mean it?


Oh, well, okay.

Uh, if she insists.


Now, you're sure you don't mind?

I'm sure.

- Positive?
- Yeah.

Okay. Hey.
What's her name? Ethel?

Sybil. Right. Have a good time.

Sybil. Right. Sybil.

[Door Opens]

[Sybil Giggling]

[Griff Laughs]

[Sybil Laughing]

[Sybil Speaking, Indistinct]


[Both Laughing]

[Laughing Continues]

[Baby Crying]

[Crying Continues]

♫♫[Chorus Vocalizing]

I would like you to make peace for us.

I don't have to tell you how patient
we Russians are...

but this is a disgrace.

Two of my best men...

[Sighs] shot down in their prime
in a lousy gymnasium.

- Sorry about them.
- "Sorry" is not enough.

- Moscow's very upset.
- Washington's upset too.

Lester, I remind you of our reciprocal
agreement of'72.

- Ah.
- A corpse for a corpse.

You owe me two, Lester.

Do you remember last month,
when our men killed your courier by mistake?

He was eliminated within one hour.

No one knows that better than I.
You shot that son of a bitch on the spot.

I mean, that... that is
what I call leadership.

So I just remind you, Lester,
if you don't take care of it, I will.

Well, uh, don't push me, Yuri, huh?
I'll handle it.

I only want two men
responsible for mine. Huh?

All I owe you is two dead
American citizens.

And, uh...

who did you have in mind?

Uh, maybe Elvis Presley
and Walter Cronkite?

- [Chuckles]
- [Chuckles]

Ah, hey. What about your daughter
and the boy she's marrying, huh?

You have a great
sense of humor, Yuri.

- I like a good joke.
- Yuri, look.

We... We do not want
another bloodbath like '70, huh?

Let us be humane about this.

We will kill Brulard and Griffin.

You don't have to do it.

All right?

Oh, Lester, they don't
make them like us anymore.

[Both Laughing]

That's right.

[Glass Shatters]

- [Bells Tolling]
- [Man Speaking French]



- Bonjour.
- Oh, no. Not you.

You owe me, Lafayette.

Go away.
The word is out on you.

- Yeah? How bad?
- Go. Go away. Please!

I don't want bloodstains
all over my roof.

Come on. Give me 5,000
so I can get away.

[Laughs] Five? Five for what?
You have nothing to sell.

Yeah? How about the real story
on Afghanistan?

Who cares?

Okay. The whole new
NATO defense setup.

Ha! It was in
Time magazine yesterday.

Look. I am desperate.
Give me five grand, or learn how to fly.

Five. Five. Five couldn't
get you far enough.

- You're dead, Griff. To save yourself would take a...
- Yeah. How much?

- [Gasping]
- How much? How much?

Half. Half...

of what I can get
for what Lippet is carrying.

- Lippet?
- 200,000.

Split down the middle.

- Lippet. Nobody touches him.
- You can do it, Griff.

A hundred grand for you.
What do you say?

- [Bells Tolling]
- Where's Lippet now?


I'll take care of everything.

[Plates Clinking]

Good morning.

Mmm. Smells good.

Could I have some coffee?

Hey. What's the matter?

- Pretty crowded in there last night, wasn't it?
- What are you mad about?

You want to know what I'm mad about?
I'll tell you what I'm mad about.

I'm mad because I came here
last night with my friend...

and I have not seen you for two months, and
you totally ignored me, and you eye-raped him.

If they gave court sentences for eye rape,
you'd probably get about 20 years.

- Well, he was fascinating last night.
- I'll bet.

- Do you want some more coffee?
- Yes.

Would you like to know
what's attractive about him?

- No. I would not like to know
what's attractive about him.
- Thanks.

Guy's a nutcase.


What's attractive about him?

He has, well, a sinister quality.

- Ernest?
- Mm-hmm.

There's a lot going on
behind those big, soulful eyes.

Being absolutely objective, there is more
sinister quality in that little finger.

And that's why
I'm attracted to you too.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you never eye-rape me.

What do you think I'm doing now?

- Mmm! Mmm!
- On the table.

- Ow!
- [Plates Clink]


Oh. Oh.

- Wait. Wait, wait.
Let me take off my rubber gloves.
- Let me help you.

Oh... [Indistinct] They're too tight.

- [Sybil] You're tearing them.
- Hurry.

[Sybil Groans]

Come on. There.



Hurry up, lover boy.
We're going to London.

- Why?
- Because Mr. Lippet is in London. That's why.

That's him... one of the best in the business.

- [Brulard]
Wow. He looks like just another schnook.
- That's just his cover.

Gosh, I don't know about this. Lippet's big.
Once we knock him over, we got no place to hide.

Well, give me the money,
and I'll find the place.

- [Brulard] All he does is go shopping.
- [Griff] He can afford it...

with the kind of money he got
for selling out the Polish Secret Service file.

- He could retire forever, the little creep.
- Come on.

[No Audible Dialogue]

That dog's practically human.

What's so great about being human?

I think he's a wino.

- Lippet?
- No, the dog.

[Brulard Sighs]

If there's one thing
I can't stand, it's a smart-ass dog.

He's cutting his meat now.

- The dog?
- No. Lippet.

- Oh, that's disgusting.
- What have you got against dogs?

I got nothing against dogs. I just don't think
they should eat in fancy restaurants.


- Waiter.
- Oui.

Something's up.


- [Waiter] Thank you, sir.
- I'll be right back.

- [Speaking Foreign Language]
- [Foreign Language]

- Yes, sir.
- [Foreign Language]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Both Speaking Foreign Language]

He did it. Made a delivery in the lobby
of a four-star hotel.

- Boy, has he got style. Put it in the safe.
- Who delivered it?

- Beirut contact.
- That oughta be worth plenty.

When I was black-bagging
the Beirut run, right...

I used to carry stuff worth
as much as 40, 50 grand.

- How did you know that?
- Well, I looked in the bag.

That's against regulations.
You're not supposed to do that.

Martinson, uh, checks your mail out every day,
and you haven't ever looked in his...

- Your bill, sir.
- I wonder if he's carrying for Martinson.

- Who cares about Martinson? I want the money.
- I care about Martinson.

- I care about Martinson. I had eight citations.
- Yeah. I know. Eight of'em.

The last thing... Man, he's trying to kill me.
The last thing he said...

- Jesus. Are you in or out?
- I'm in. I'm in.

Great. Then you take care of this.
I owe you.

I can't pay this.

What, are you kidding me?

If I thought I had to pay for this,
I wouldn't have ordered this much food.

- I thought you had bread.
- I don't carry that kind of bread.

- Well, how we gonna pay for this?
- Well, l... I don't know.

Um, why don't you figure it out?
It was your bright idea to come in here and eat.

- We don't need this kind of trouble, you know.
- Boy, is this place expensive.

- [Chuckles] They added it up wrong.
- [Hisses]


- Man, that's LS-10.
- It's okay. Fifteen minutes.

- You'll come right out of it.
Fifteen minutes, you don't...
- Bad stuff.


[All Screaming]

Waiter! My friend's been poisoned!

- [Man Speaking French]
- His food's been poisoned.

What kind of food
do you serve in this joint?

You'll be hearing from
our lawyers in the morning.

[Chattering, Shouting]

- We're suing... [Indistinct]
- [Groaning]

- [Man Speaking French]
- This is gonna cost you a pretty penny,
let me tell you.

Come on. You better
clean this place up.


- [Shouts]
- Don't you let this happen again.


- I had the money in my shoe.
- Come on.

I had... I had... I had...

I had the money in my shoe!

Serves you right for holding out.

It... It's suicide for us to go back to Paris.

[Griff] It's suicide unless we get the money
to buy our way out, right?

Wherever that little guy goes, we go,
until we get what we're after.

- [Brulard] Okay.
- [Ship Horn Blows]

Sybil just better be there to pick us up.
That's all I gotta say.

She said she would be.

About the other night, don't let it go
to your head, you know. You just got lucky.

Lucky? Lucky? Right. Yeah.

Well, ever since I met you, I've just been
running in luck. You're a regular rabbit's foot.

- When do you think the best time to get him is?
- When he goes to the john.

- What happens if he doesn't go to the john?
- Well, we'll have to make him.

How? How you gonna
make him go to the john?

With this.

- What's that?
- What's your clearance?

- Top secret.
- Top secret and you've never seen
the "pee-pee koong"?

No. What's it do?

- You touch someone with this,
and it makes them go pee-pee.
- [Shouts, Laughs]

- [Ship Horn Blows]
- [No Audible Dialogue]

We're almost at Dieppe.

[Man On P.A.]
Attention, please. If there are any passengers...

who have not yet visited
the passport control office on board...

will they please call
at the passport office...

right away.

The passport office is situated
on the aft quadrant of"B"deck.

Thank you.

[Man On P.A., Speaking French]


- Where's the letter?
- He's got a pill! Stop him!

- He's got a pill. Cyanide.
- Don't let him bite it.

Must be carrying something big
if he's willing to die.

- Got it. Got it.
- Oh, good.

- Just don't stand there. Heart trouble.
- Heart trouble?

- Yes.
- Okay, we're not trying to kill you.

His pill.
He's getting your pill for you. Hang on.

- Just hang on.
- Get your pill. Your pill.

- Get a pill. Just hold on.
- Okay?

- Right. Okay.
- Is he all right?

Right. Right. Okay.
Okay. You feeling better?

- He's okay. Better?
- Better? It's okay?

Now, where's the letter?

Son of a bitch. Get him.
Why, you little creep.

Falling for that one.

- You okay?
- He's okay.

Yeah. Here you go.

I'll take that.

- Who are you working for?
- Mr. Lippet.

- [Griff] Yeah, well, he's sick.
- Is he?

- Well, he better be all right.
- It was, uh, his heart.

- Heart. Yeah. Heart.
- Uh, if you could, uh...
Some water. Get him some water.

- [Griff] Yeah. Why don't you
run out and get him some water?
- I'll take that. Come on.

- Come on. Give me that. Come on.
- Okay.

- [Groans]
- [Gunshot]

- [Bullet Ricochets]
- I'll get the gun.


He's heavy.

- Oh, boy. Easy.
- Oh, wow. He's been shot!

- Been shot by his own bodyguard?
- Wow. Wow. A ricochet.

He's dead, brother. Dead.
Bounced right off the urinal into his head.

A toilet's no place for guns. Uh-uh.


[Dog Barking, Whimpering]

[People Chattering In French]

Hey. Get rid of the dog.
Get rid of the dog, will ya?

Let the dog... Let it go.
Will you let the dog go.

I can't.

- Look, will you get rid of that.
- Here.

- What's this?
- It's a present for you. His name is Rover.

Rover? Oh, thanks.

- Hello.
- [Brulard] Bonjour.

Okay. Let's go.

- Come on. Let's get out of here.
- Not yet.

- I'm warming the engine.
- It's warm enough already.

Not quite. It's, uh,
the breaking-in period.

What break-in period? Come on.
What's he talking about?

- It's his father's new car. He has to be careful.
- Well, we can't just sit here.

- Let's go.
- No. We are now giving the orders.

Okay. Well, tell him to get movin'.
We're in trouble.

Yes, you're in big trouble.

- Turn around and keep quiet.
- [Griff] Come on, fellas. Cut it out.

- What are you doing?
- Stop kiddin' around. You'll attract attention.

I told you that was dangerous
when I gave it to you.

Save your breath, you spy.

What are you talking about?

I gave you the dynamite
to blow up my own embassy.

We know you both work for the C.I.A.

- C.I. A?
- C.I. A?

- Oh, come on.
- That is ridiculous.

- We got an inside contact now.
- Let's shoot them now.

Wait a second.
What are you stopping for?

- I hear a rattle.
- Well, look for it later. Come on.

My father told me to
write down all the rattles. I do it.

Keep driving, Paul.
Try to find a side road where we can kill them.

- Sybil, look. How can you...
- Save your breath.

No smoking, please.
You can burn the seats.

- [Horn Honking]
- [Griff] See? You're messing up the car behind us.

- [Paul] Why is he tooting the horn?
- I think he wants to pass.

- It's Hessler.
- Come on, fellas. Pull over, will ya?

- Look. I just want to have a little talk.
- Pull over, Paul.

- Take over.
- [Griff] Got ya.

- [Sybil] Take your hands offhim.
- Gas.

[Paul Screams]

Hey, wait a minute!

- [Paul] Let go!
- More gas.

- Let me go!
- [Hessler] All right. Let's get 'em.

- [Paul] Oh, no!
- [Brulard] Faster. More gas. Step on it.

Those guys are the C.I.A., Sybil. Not us.

Those guys are the C.I.A.
They're trying to kill us.

Merde! Merde! My gun is jammed!

[Paul] The high speed...
Shoot them, Gaspar!

- Let go! Let go of me!
- [Brulard] You crazy?
Get your hands off the wheel, Paul.

- [Honking]
- [Sybil] What are they doing?

- [Paul Screams]
- [Tires Screeching]

[Paul Screaming]

[Paul Screams]
This is my daddy's car! Don't do it!

Hold it. Whoa!

You see, Sybil? Now the Russians are after us.

[Tires Squeal]

[Tires Squealing]

Don't! Stop! You're destroying the engine!

- No!
- [Brulard] I'm taking a shortcut!

[Both Speaking Russian]

- Put your foot all the way down on the pedal.
- This is a road test.

- Your foot down?
- Yeah. I'm trying to get it. This car's...


Stay out of this, Grubov. They belong to me.

If those guys catch us,
it's the end of the car, you and your father.

- [All Shouting]
- [Brulard] They're coming. Get it into reverse.

- Martinson wants to talk.
- [Paul] My father will kill you!

- [Griff] He won't have to.
- [Hessler] Just stop for a minute!

- Martinson wants to talk with you!
- [Paul] Get your hands off me!

Faster. C.I.A. Fascist pigs!

[Men Speaking Russian]

Geez! What the hell are you doin'?

Well, come on!

[Tires Squealing]

- [Speaking French]
- Leave me alone. I'll show them.

- Hold onto me, Gaspar. Hold on.
- [French]

- What are you doing?
- [French]


[Shouting In Russian]

Look at them! Those pigs!



Knock him off the road.
Knock him off!

- [Honking]
- [Gaspar] It's flying back on my face.

I don't care! I care about the car!


- [Brulard] Hold on.
- [Paul Screams In French]

[All Screaming]

[All Shouting]

Holy... Watch it! Now brake it!

I'm braking! I'm braking!

What the hell are you trying to do?
Get us killed?

You told me to keep close,
didn't ya?

- [Hessler] Get around 'em! Get around 'em!
- [Honking]

[All Shouting]

[Paul Screams]

[All Shouting]

- [All Shouting]
- Brake. Put on the brake.

[Tires Screeching]

[Horn Honking]

[Screams, Speaks Russian]

- Watch it!
- Aaah!



Nice driving, Evans!

Just beautiful!

Don't go in the fields, huh? No!

It's okay, Paul. It's okay.

This car handles terrific. You know that?

- [Chattering]
- [Paul] Go back on the road!


[Shouting In Russian]


Pull a fast one on me,
will ya? Okay.

That's the last time
you guys get away with anything.

- Made it.
- Wow.

- Okay. You can have your car back.
- Take over.

- Not a dent, not a scratch.
- It's beautiful. This handles really well.

- Absolutely perfect.
- Handle steering. Terrific.

I've been through a lot of car chases...
a lot of them... but this car has held...

- You know that... I hate you!
- Don't be excited. Look...

- I hate you! I hate you too!
- We're in good shape.

[Paul Screams]

[Hubcap Rattles]


[Shouting In French]

- You got the letter?
- The letter? The letter?

Got the letter.

Look at that beautiful little microdot.

- [Brulard] Pretty little microdot.
- That's our ticket out ofhere.

- To faraway places.
- Just like you said. Right, Lafayette?


"Hmm"good or "hmm"bad?


- So-so.
- I thought we had a deal.

Yeah. We got a deal.
200 grand, split right down the middle, right?


I don't like that...
[Imitates Groan]

I'm afraid I overestimated.

I thought Lippet
was carrying bigger.

Come on, Lafayette!
Don't fool around with us.

Hands off.
My pigeons are armed.

Antoine, shit on his head.

Okay, okay.
Well, what's your top offer?

Now wait a minute. I want to find out
what's on those things. What's on those things?

No. That is not part of the bargain.

Well, how much? How much?
Come on. How much?

- For you, 7,000.
- You son of a bitch.

- You're a crook.
- If you wish.

If you think you can do better elsewhere,
think it over and decide.


- Do you trust him?
- About as far as I could throw him.

Hey, how much punctuation
did he take off the letter?

- Two periods, two commas and a semicolon.
- There's just the commas here.

- Hey, Lafayette! Lafayette!
- Lafayette!

- Lafayette!
- No!

- Good-bye.
- You double-crossing bastard!
You bastard! Call it back!

Don't hurt me. All right. I'll call her back.

- No! Come back!
- Claudine, my little pigeon. Come back.

- [Griff] Claudine! Claudine!
- Claudine. Claudine.

- [Gunshot]
- [Groans]

- Claudine.
- Goddamn pigeon is armed.

On your feet.

Come on. Get up. Move!

Get your hands up. Higher.

- What'd you wanna kill him for?
- Maybe I was aiming at you.

You aim at me and you kill Lippet.
You aim at him and you kill Lafayette.

- You're a terrific shot.
- Shut up.

With a bodyguard like him,
you don't need an enemy.

- Where's Archie?
- Archie?

- Archie.
- He thinks we're gonna tell him where Archie is?

Archie's fed up with you, mate.

He says you keep shooting
the wrong people.

I'm warning you.

I'm just gonna ask once more.

For the last time,
where's that bloody dog?

- [Screaming]
- [Crashing]

[Screaming Continues]

- [Thuds]
- [Pigeons Coo]

Wow. Who the hell is Archie?

- Archie?
- Rover.

I told you Lippet was carrying big.

The stuff on the pigeon
must be in code.

And the key to the code's
on the dog.

- And we don't have either one of them.
- I know. I know.


[Tires Squealing]

I understand you boys have,
uh, something to sell.

[Fishing Reel Clicking]


- Is that all?
- Well, if you check the letter out...

you'll see there's
some punctuation missing.

- Two periods and a semicolon.
- Right.

- It's okay. We already got a customer.
- Have you?

Yeah, Uncle Sam.

- Ah, Claudine.
- Claudine.

You crazy...

You know what she was carrying?

Look what I've got here.


Two periods and a semicolon.

- Plunk.
- No!

- Leave it. Leave it.
- [Laughing]

- No, I spotted it.
- Do you want to drown for a semicolon?

Now stop the fooling around.
Enough of your lying.

We don't have to lie.
We got the stuff.

- If the price is right, we sell.
- Wait, boys. Don't go away.

[Over Transmitter]
I'm sure we can work something out.

- [Griff] How much?
- [Yuri] Better than you can get
from your Americans.

All they want to do is kill you.

- [Griff] Who says?
- [Yuri] Your own boss, Martinson,
told me himself.

That's what you think. He made us a terrific offer.

All right. All right. Just let me find out...

what the microdot
is worth to Moscow.

- [Brulard] You do that.
- [Yuri] After all, who else can you sell to?

The Chinese?

What happens if they aren't
on the dog?

They've practically gotta be, if you
were listening to Lippet's bodyguard.

I mean, they weren't on the pigeon.


How do we get the dog?

Well, what does your manual say?

When faced
with an impossible situation...

- Bluff.
- Bluff.

You got any citations for bluffing?

Got a commendation for lying
and a citation for cheating.

[Griff] Something tells me
I should have brought a gun.

[Baby Crying]

Look. If they get tough,
I'll handle Sybil, right?

[Crying Continues]

Hey, Sybil. What do you say?

- Hi there.
- Ça va.

- Don't move.
- Who's moving?

Hands up. Up.

- Sybil.
- Shoot them.

- No. No.
- Wait a minute. Look.
We didn't have to come here.

- We came here to square ourselves with you.
- Sure.

- You... You got us all wrong.
- Right.

The-The truth is, we-we did work for the C.I.A.

We could tell you all kinds of things
about their operation.

We could tell you
where the secret headquarters is...

- so you guys could blow it up.
- All right. Tell us.

Their secret headquarters...
Do you know the supermarket...

- It's the Four Corners Travel Service.
- Check it out.

- We don't have to.
- Then you know you can trust us.

- By the way, where's the dog?
- [Gaspar] Shut up!

Turn around, and keep your hands up.

- Sybil.
- Wait! Wait, wait. Look.

There-There are all other kinds of things
that we could tell you.

- Yeah, there's something else.
- Uh, money.

- [Griff] Lots of money.
- You could have a printing press.

You could have two printing presses.

- That's what we could get you.
- For the cause.

- [Gaspar] They're stalling.
- $100,000 cash.

Yeah. Where would you get
that money from?

We'll have it in a few days.
What have you got to lose by waiting?

I think Paul should have
a vote on this.

- Yeah, Paul should have a vote on it.
- [Sybil] Paul, come here.

- The dog's bath can wait.
- [Both] Bath?

- Paul! [Speaking French]
- Paul!

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Stop!

[Arguing In French]


[Arguing Continues]

- [Whimpers]
- Be careful. Don't rub anything out.

- Right, right.
- Where do we look first?

- Well, follicles.
- Search his follicles.

- Follicles.
- [Arguing Continues]

Nice little Archie.

- Paul!
- [French]

- What about his tail?
- Does it look real to you?

- [Arguing In French]
- I don't like the way it wags.

- Right. Check it out.
- His teeth?

- Right, right.
- Look for lead fillings.

Sure. Oh, yes.

Dog. Oh... His breath stinks.

- Want to change ends?
- No.

[Screaming In French]


Yeah. If only you could talk.

- What about his ears?
- No, I already looked there. It has to be on him.

- Well, it isn't.
- The guy on the roof said...

Wait a minute.
What-What exactly did he say?

He didn't say it had to be on him.

Right. He just said
he wanted the dog.

Maybe the dog is a link.

- To whoever has the microdot?
- Right.

- [Sybil] We've taken a vote.
- Kill them.

- Two for, one against.
- Kill them now.

You have exactly three days
to deliver us $100,000.

In cash.

Okay. Come on.

- Okay, Archie.
- Where did Mr. Lippet take you?

- Seymour, this is stupid.
- Got any better ideas?

That-a-boy, Archie.
Show us your French contacts. That-a-boy.

[Car Horns Honking]

Hello, chéri. [Speaking French]
Ah, you go to hell.




- [Speaking French]
- Lippet sent us. Lippet.

- Lippet.
- Lippet?

- He's dead. Mort.
- Lippet? Lippet dead?

The last thing he said was that
we'd get the stuff from you.

[Both Speaking French]

That will cost you 80 francs. Hmm?

- Eighty?
- Mm-hmm. Prices have gone up.

- [Chuckles]
- We talking about the same thing?

[No Audible Dialogue]

[No Audible Dialogue]

- What's up there?
- Dead end.

Well, what does he want
to go up there for?


It's a waste of time.
That dog hasn't got any contacts.

- Then it has to be on him.
- Well, it isn't, 'cause we looked.

Come on, Archie. Shake a leg.

It has to be on him or in him.

A capsule.

Yeah. Lippet could have fed it to him yesterday
in London, right?

- Yeah.
- How long does it take for...

I don't know, but there was this Arab who
tried to smuggle dope out of the Yemen.

He-He made a camel
swallow it in a metal capsule.

- How long did it take for that?
- L-I don't know...

'cause the capsule broke and the camel
was on a trip for about six weeks.

But if Lippet
fed it to him yesterday...

- I think you better check it out.
- Me?

- Yeah.
- You check it out.

- Well, I'll choose ya.
- Odds.

Once, twice, three, shoot.

I better check it out.

- Find it?
- Jesus.

- What's the matter?
- I mean, he ain't the first one, you know.

I mean, it's like
a minefield back here.

- Well, hurry it up.
- Well, how do I know which one is his?

It's the warm one.

I am broad-minded,
but this is ridiculous.

Keeping him out all day
and coming back with all that... eh!

- It's a long story.
- Yeah. Long and sick.

They promised $100,000.

- And they bring back a pile of...
- Nothing.

- Clean as a whistle.
- You sure?

- Positive.
- Oh, but it's got to be.

- You wanna go check for yourself?
- Yuck!

- Fascists.
- [French] Spies.

We better do this scientifically.

Do what?
What do you want from him?

A large object, you say?

- [Brulard] Between large and small.
- You're sure he swallowed it?

We're sure, yeah.

Hmm. Nothing in the stomach...

or the intestine.

No. No obstruction.

- [Brulard] Not even a tiny obstruction?
- No, none at all.

This is a very healthy little dog.

Except of course for the left eye.

I thought I had
treated everything...

Gorillas with hernias.
Bats that could not fly.

But this is the first animal
I have ever met with a contact lens.

- Lens?
- The dog's contact lens.

- May I help you, gentlemen?
- This is Professor Von Kleinst
of the Von Kleinst Institute.

And we're looking for a research microscope
that is powerful.

Oui, monsieur.
This is our 750 model. The best one we have.

[German Accent]
Yes, but obviously the 750 isn't powerful enough.

If you have something
with more magnification...

Well, then there's
the Langendorf 2000.

- Langendorf makes a 2000?
- Oui, monsieur.

[All Talking At Once]

- I'll get you a slide.
- No, no. That's not necessary.

The professor
always carries his own.

Oh, it's beautiful.
The Langendorf 2000.

- It's a fantastic instrument.
- Yes.

It is black. I cannot...
I cannot see anything.

- Professeur. You must turn it on.
- Oh.

All the ones in the... in the institute
are automatic, of course.

Oui, bien sûr.

Holy shit!

Oh. Oh, ja, ja, ja, ja, jawohl!

Thanks a lot. Could you give us some
technical documentation on it?

Something that we can take back
to the board of directors.

- What is it?
- It's all the Russian agents in China.

- Oh.
- Names, addresses of every spook agent...

the Russians got working for them.

That's incredible.
Martinson will pay plenty for that.

- Don't kiss it.
- Borisenko's gonna pay a lot more.

- You could smear it.
- [Whimpers]

You guys off to do your good deed
for the day?

- Where's the lucky place?
- It will be told in our newspaper.

Oh. With your circulation,
it'll still be a secret.

- Why, you... Cretin!
- Not now.

[Shouts In French]

- You better get the money.
- Don't worry. We will.

- I hope you don't... so I can kill you.
- [Blows Kiss]

Off to do your good deed for the day.


What did Borisenko say?

Wonderful things.

- I got him up to $300,000.
- We did it!

We just have to name the place.

- What's the matter?
- I got a feeling I'm being followed.

- Borisenko's men?
- No, it feels more like Martinson's men.

We better meet Borisenko someplace
where Martinson can't mess it up.

But where?

- [Bell Tolling]
- [Speaking French]

Invitations at a church.
I never heard of that.

That's Martinson for ya.

- Here's our ticket.
- Who is it?

- The king of Sakahari.
- The king of what?

Welcome, Your Majesty.

- Welcome.
- Follow me, Your Highness.

- The king.
- [Tolling Continues]


Bonjour, madame.

Bonjour, madame.

Bonjour, madame.

Bonjour, madame.




- Votre invitation, monsieur.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- I must have forgotten it.
- You must have an invitation, sir.

- I just want to see Mr. Martinson.
- Shh.

- Please.
- Look. You don't realize something.

If it wasn't for me, there wouldn't have been
any invitations sent...

- for this wedding.
- I'm sorry, monsieur.

- Listen, you can't keep me...
- [French]

I'm gonna get you by the...

[French Accent]
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ...

and the love of God...

and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit
be with you all.

And also with you.

- "Dearly beloved..."
- Psst.

"You have come together
in this church so that the Lord...

"may seal and strengthen
the love of Alan and Amy...

- in the presence of the church's minister..."
- Mr. Martinson.

They just made a deal. 300,000.

- Where are they now?
- I don't know.

Well, find out!

Continuez. Continuez.

"Christ abundantly blesses
the love of these young people. He has..."

C-C-Can't you go a little faster?

We haven't got all day, you know.
Now move it. Vite.

Ah, vite.
"He has already consecrated the baptism...

"and he enriches and strengthens it by his
special sacrament of marriage.

In this way they are about to assume
the duties of marriage in mutual fidelity. "

Votre invitation, monsieur.

Oh, mon Dieu. Would I be dressed like this
if I didn't have an invitation?

But I must have it.


Would you step out, please?

- Give him the invitation.
- [Groans]

[Priest Continues Quickly]

Holy smoke!

[Priest Continues]

"May you always honor her
and love her...

"as Christ loves his bride
and his church.

- Alan..."
- Psst.

- Later.
- Take a look.

- "Are you ready freely, without reservation..."
- What is he doing here?

- He was not invited.
- For God's sake, shh.

Oh, shush yourself! Watch him!

[Priest Continues]

- "Grant that they live in the sacrament..."
- [Whispers] Go away!

Take a look.

Then get with it.

[Priest Continues]




"...may not bejoined
in holy matrimony..."


Go faster. Vite, vite. Vite. Hmm?
Can't you speed it up a bit?

- Ah, vite. "To have and to hold."
- Go on. Come on.

- To have and to hold.
- "From this day forward."

- From this day forward.
- "For better or for worse."

- [Whistle Shrieking]
- [Speaking Russian]

[Priest Continues]





- [Screams]
- Well, uh, never mind.

Uh, k-k-k-keep going.
Will you keep going? It's nothing.

- It's nothing. Nothing.
- "And fill you both with blessings.

- What God has joined together,
let no man put asunder."
- Amen.

[Priest Continues]


Father, and of the Son...

and of the Holy Spirit.

Get the money back.

I take this ring as a sign of my love...

- Ow!
- Shh!

- What the hell is going on?
- [Man Shouts]

- Shut up!
- Daddy, please.

I'm sorry. Drinking.
They've been drinking.

- Carry on.
- [Priest Continues]

- [Howls]
- [Chattering]

- [Screams]
- This is ridiculous!

- Shut up! Finish it. Finish it!
- "And may God almighty bless
you all, and the Father...

- and the Son and the Holy Spirit." Amen.
- Okay, kiss!

Hessler! Stop 'em!

[People Screaming]


Ah. Ooh. Oh. Ernest!

- LS-10.
- Okay. Okay.

Hold your breath.
Move over. Move over.


Don't breathe. Don't breathe.

- [Martinson] He's got it. He's got it.
- [Hessler] There's the bag.

The money's in there.
It's in the bag, sir.

- [Martinson] Get him into the car!
- Okay, Brulard. I got you.

I've been waiting for this, Brulard!

- [Brulard Moans]
- [Laughing] Bastard!

- Well, sir, we did it.
- In you go, mate.

- Took a little doing, but we got him.
- Let's go.

- [Brulard Moans]
- [Hessler] Nice wedding, sir.

- Your daughter looked great.
- Aw, shut up, Hessler!

I got it. [Speaks Russian]
I got it!

I got it. I got it.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
It's mine. It's mine.

Brulard. Brulard?

Can you hear me?

You all right?

You okay, hmm? Come, Brulard.

Now tell me. Now what
was on the microdots, huh?

Come on now. Talk.

Talk. Talk!

♫♫ [Singing Folk Song]

- ♫♫ [Continues]
- You see, our training works.

- ♫♫ [Continues]
- When you're being tortured, think song titles.

- He's not being tortured.
- I know he's not being tortured.

- But he knows that he's going to be.
- Don't you, Brulard?

You know that we are going
to stop at nothing.

Now make it easy on yourself, boy.
We are on the same side.

Now, are you gonna tell me
what was on those microdots?


♫♫ [Singing]

Sybil. Sybil.



Okay, Gaspar.

♫♫[Brulard Singing Children's Song]

- [Electricity Crackling]
- ♫♫ [Continues]

- [Moans]
- That's enough. Stop it. Stop it.

We-We don't want to hurt you, boy.
You know that.

Now don't force us.
Be reasonable.

Come on, boy.
Make your parents proud of you.

Think "America the Beautiful."

♫♫ [Singing Patriotic Song]

♫♫[Choir Singing]

- [Sobbing]
- ♫♫[Singing Ends]

What's that? What did you say?

On the microdot...

Is the names of all
the Russian agents in China.

- [Sobs]
- You liar!

You think I'd swallow that one.
It was about us, wasn't it?

I mean, it was fuse box, right? Huh?

It was all the Russian agents
in China.

[Speaking French]



You are fluent
in seven languages, huh?

Well, one little jolt from this and you'll be
fluent in all seven at the same time.

- Now talk!
- [Electricity Hums]

It was the names of all
the Russian agents in China.

- Throw the switch, Hessler.
- Hold it!

Hold it. Not so fast.

- Get away from him.
- Hessler.

- Grab him!
- No, no, no, no.

One yank on this and we all go up.
You hear that?

Now you just back off.

[Humming Stops]

Just back off.

We're taking the money with us too.

Griff. Griff.

This is silly.

You wouldn't blow yourself up, huh?

Oh, yeah? You just try me, boss.
Come on. The money!

Give it to him, Hessler.

No. I think he's bluffing.
He hasn't got the guts.

Jack, you got 10 seconds.

- eight...
- He's faking.

- He's always been a faker.
- Seven...


- Give it to him.
- You're faking.


four, three...

Go on. You pull that string.

- Hessler.
- Two...

- Give it to him! That's an order!
- Come on. Get it, will ya?

- Get it, will ya? Get it!
- I dare you. You fake, you!

Listen, you...

[Imitates Explosion]

♫♫ [Singing Military Hymn]

Bomb, huh?

[Sped-up Voices On Tape]

[Griff On Tape]
Where did you get that goon?


Ern... Ernest?

- Seymour.
- You okay?

- I'm okay. Are you?
- Yeah.

What happened?

Holy cow.

- Grab the money. Come on.
- [Martinson]
Where do you think this is? The White House?

[Sped-up Voices Continue]

[All Speaking French]

- [Brakes Screech]
- [Both] Sybil.

- Wait for us!
- Sybil, wait!

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

Our good deed for today!

- [Griff And Brulard] We got the money!
- [Paul] The money?

- [Sybil] The money. We've got the money!
- [All Shouting]

♫♫ [Singing In French]

- [Tire Pops]
- [Sybil] Aw, no!

- [Tires Squealing]
- [French]


- It's all there.
- You are rich, Frenchy.

- Here, count this.
- [French]

100,000 for them.

And 200,000 for us.

So far, I have 191,000.

800 and 20, 40, 60...

[Both Mumbling]

There's an extra 20.

There's your half.


[Lug Nuts Clanging]



- The money!
- Too late!

Get down!


Got any more ideas?

[Arguing In French]

♫♫ [Humming]

♫♫ [Both Humming]

♫♫ [Both Singing]

- You take it, brother.
- ♫♫ [Brulard Singing]

- Did you hear that, Lord?
- ♫♫ [Brulard Singing]

♫♫ [Griff Singing]

♫♫ [Both Singing, Ends]

♫♫[Man Singing]

♫♫[Man Singing]