S.O.B. (1981) - full transcript

Felix Farmer is an extremely successful Hollywood producer, whose movies for Capitol Pictures have never lost money,... until now, with his latest, most expensive film to date, Night Wind, ending up being a major flop. The film, starring his popular Academy Award winning actress wife, Sally Miles, who has a G-rated screen image, almost bankrupts the studio. As such, the studio execs turn on Felix, who want to take over creative control of the movie and re-edit it to lessen the damage. It also turns Felix suicidal, his mental state which in turn leads to Sally leaving him and taking their two children with her. As Felix tries and tries again unsuccessfully to kill himself, he finally stumbles upon an idea which gets him out of his depression. He plans to use his and Sally's money to purchase the movie back from the studio, and re-imagine it by adding a few new scenes, to drastically altar it from the G-rated fantasy film it is, to an R-rated sex romp, complete with Sally baring her naked breasts on screen. In doing so, Felix believes it has the potential to become the most popular film to date. A major obstacle in being able to carry out his idea is Sally, who has long protected her good girl screen image. What ends up happening is largely dictated by those around them, from the major players to those on the periphery of their lives, each who is working on his or her own self interest, with even those at the far edge of the periphery having a profound effect on the proceedings.

* fare thee well,
fare thee well *

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* for i'm off to lou'siana
for to see my susy anna *

* sing polly wolly doodle
all day *


* polly wolly doodle all,
polly wolly doodle all *

* my sal, she is a maiden fair *

* sing polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* with curly eyes
and laughing hair *

* sing polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* oh, a grasshopper
sittin' on a railroad track *

* sing polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* a-Picking his teeth
with a carpet tack *

* polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* fare thee well,
fare thee well *

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* off to lou'siana
for to see my susy anna *

* sing polly wolly doodle all *

* polly wolly doodle all *

* polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* oh, i went to bed,
but it was no use, sing... *

* polly wolly
doodle all day *

* my feet stuck out like
a chicken's roost, sing... *

* polly wolly doodle
all day *

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* la la la la la la la la *

* la la la la *

* la la la la *

* la la la la *

* polly wolly doodle all day *

* behind the barn
down on my knees *

* sing polly wolly doodle
all the day *


* i thought i heard
a chicken sneeze *

* polly wolly doodle
all the day *

Uh... ahh!

Uhh... ah!


Heh... oh!

Ij' oh...i...sneezed so hard
with the whooping cough *

* sing polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* he sneezed his head and tail
right off *

* polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* for i'm off to lou'siana
for to see my susy anna *

* polly wolly doodle all day *

* polly wolly doodle all day *

* sing polly wolly doodle *

* all the day *

* fare thee well n'

Excuse me, mr. Farmer,

But john-John
wants his ball.

Excuse me, sir.

I made some coffee and left
a sweet roll in the oven.

I talked with dr. Alfasa,
and she said

She doesn't think you should
see the children for a while,

Especially john-John...

Till they get used
to the idea.


I'm leaving the cadillac.

I won't go!

They're waiting
in the car.

You snap a finger, whistle,
i won't go.

I'll accept that.

How about moving
your pigeon toes

In the direction
of the front door,

And we'll get this show
on the road?

Woman: sandler agency.

Harry sandler.


Did you get felix?

No, i'm calling
your father.

Give him my love.

What? Harry?

I called the bel air house
and palm springs.

I didn't get an answer.

I tried his beach number

And got
some deranged chinaman.

Get felix on the phone.

Tell him to be at
david's office at 11:00.

Right, dick.

You tell him 11:00,

Or it's his ass
and your ass, too, harry.

Got it?

Uh, joyce sends her best.

He wants to know
how you are.

How do i look?

If i told him, he'd have
another heart attack.

She's terrific, harry.

Now stop jerkin' off
and call your client.

Oh, bathing suits.

Kids' bathing suits.

I left a set of keys
on your dresser.

Mr. Farmer's residence.

Harry sandler.

I'm afraid mr. Farmer's
out to lunch, mr. Sandler.

I'm coming!

Girl: bye, daddy!

Daddy! Bye, daddy!

Mommy, why can't daddy
come with us?

Mommy's having
a very bad day.

Man: a fire in downtown
los angeles this morning

Destroyed the oak hotel.

Luckily, no injuries,

But damage is estimated
at $1.5 million.

Now here's tammy taylor

With her exclusive report
from hollywood.

"Night wind" opened
in 800 theaters

To unanimously bad reviews

And, in spite of
a mammoth advertising campaign,

In the first week
has grossed less money

Than any film in the history
of capitol studios.

I have it on good authority
that capitol's president

David blackman is considering
calling in all of the prints.

For christ's sake,
can't somebody find him?

I've been on the phone
all morning.

What about sandler?

I told him it was his ass
if felix wasn't here.

What did the lawyers say?

Cut the film,
he can sue.

Well, then,
what's the answer?

Scare the hell out of him,
then give him your ideas.

It's a piece of shit.

Oh, absolutely.

That's one thing i can do
i'm proud of...

I'm a damn good cutter.

You sure are.

I, uh, ran the film twice
last night.

The cutter agrees with
most of your suggestions.

Yeah, but would he say so
to felix?

I think so.

He's been with felix
for 15 years.

He wants to direct.

Ah! That's all i need...
another director.

Uh, speaking
of directors...

What about culley?

Yeah, what about culley,
for christ's sake?

Shacked up with some
16-Year-Old girl

And a case
of jack daniel's.

Got a 6-Picture deal, pay
or play. What does he care?

I had a lengthy conversation
with him last night.

I told him
that j.G. Was so worried,

He was considering
selling the studio.

Yeah, well, knowing j.G.,
That's not so far-Fetched.

Evidently culley
didn't think so, either.

What do you mean?
Where is he?

Right outside.

All right,
check on sandler.

Send culley in.

Harry sandler.
This is dick...


I want to recut
"night wind,"

But felix has
an ironclad contract.

That's never
stopped you before.

No smart-Ass stuff, culley.

J.G. Called six times
last night,

And if we don't do something
damn quick,

All hell's gonna break loose.

Harry! Where the hell
could he be having lunch

At 10:00 in the morning?

I don't think you grasp

The seriousness
of the situation.

All right. Hang up.

Nobody knows where he is.

I want you to get felix
to agree to recut the film.

Tell him you've got
some good ideas.

I want to put out a story

That we're recalling
all the prints

And felix is going to make
some drastic changes.

Get it called in to j.G.
At 6:00.

Give him my regards.

Now, unless you've got
something that can't wait

Until the 3:00 meeting,
thank you.


Did i wake you up?

Oh, hi, darling.
No, you didn't wake me up.

It's a wonder.

You really wore me out
last night.

You were fantastic.

You were pretty fantastic

Listen, i, uh,
i like your suggestion.

Sam marshall and you
make good chemistry,

And he's right
for the part.


What did you say?

Oh, nothing, nothing.
Um, that's great.

So i'll see you
tonight, huh?

I miss you.



Bye, darling.

You son of a bitch.

Well, he liked
my suggestion.

He thinks you'll be great
for the part.

* you can go to extremes... *

* you can laugh
at your dreams... n'

Hi. Hi.


Oh. What a great car
you have.

Where you headed?

That depends.
Where are you headed?

You're late, ben.

I know that, dear boy.

What's up?

They're all waiting
for you.

That doesn't answer
the question, dear boy.

That's because i'm not
your dear boy, benny.

Man: as soon as we file
for divorce,

It's a matter
of public record.

Polly reed already
has her nose in the wind.

Sally, you could not
have picked a worse time.

As your press agent, i agree,

But it wouldn't be a good time
if "night wind" was a big hit.

Like it or not,
you have an image.

They have newspapers to sell.
Imagine what they're gonna say

After they've finished
all the nice things

They write about you.

You know this town,

You could smoke dope

And end up going steady
with your afghan,

And you're just
one of the gang.

But you,
you're peter pan.

"Night wind" is a fact.

We have to convince people
it wasn't your fault.

Anybody can fail,
even sally miles.

No! That was
felix's responsibility.

You walk out on him now,

And those fans of yours
are gonna hate your guts.

Especially the ones
that criticized you

When you married him.

Those snakes
will be the first.

Not even
a legal separation?

Absolutely not!

Shit, no!

Are you
out of your mind?



That water's cold.

Take it easy, ladies,
while i check things out.


Felix? Sally?

Anybody home?

* on your back *

* i'm a hustler *

* the way you smoke
that big cigar n'

* to show the world
the man you are *

* i'm a hustler... n'

Good morning.

Good morning.


M' don't try to prove
you'll survive... n'


Culley, there was a man
out there with a rat...

This giant rat!

* yeah, i'm a hustler *

* baby, i'm a hustler *

* i get tired of men... *

Good morning.

It's not
such a good idea

To sit in here
with the motor running.

I better turn off
the ignition.

Woman: oh!

Come on. Hurry up.

Take it easy.

Oh, my god!

Culley just called.

Felix tried
to kill himself.

Just thought
you'd like to know.

Culley: i can be reached
at that number

Or this one here.

Okay, fine. I think
that about covers it.

I appreciate the coffee.
Thank you very much.

Nothing, nothing.

Culley? Can i borrow
a bathing suit?

There must be some spares in
the upstairs dressing room.

If i can't find anything,

What are the laws
on nude sunbathing?

I'd have to come back
and arrest you.

Bet i could
talk you out of it.

Bet she could, too.

I may drop by a little later
and check on mr. Farmer.

Yeah, do that.

There are liable to be some
reporters nosing around.

the only person i know

Who likes reporters
less than i do is the chief.

They stick their noses
in the wrong place,

They get stepped on.

Oh, and tell mr. Farmer

If he ever does a movie
about the cops,

I got enough stories
to fill a steamer trunk.

And none of that "serpico"
crap... the real cops.

See you later,
mr. Culley.

Culley: okay.

i don't believe it!

Traffic's jammed up
all the way to topanga.

Took me an hour and a half
to get here from the studio.

How is he?

Compared to what?

Gary said that felix
drove his car...

I told gary
to tell sally

Not to take an ad out
in variety.

Lila, this is ben.
Ben, lila.

Maybe felix did try
to kill himself,

But it's sally
that's gonna suffer.

I couldn't find
a bathing suit.

Babs, this is ben.

I'd like to nude-Sunbathe,

But i don't wanna
get busted.

you already are busted.

Then you think
it's all right?

I think
it's a wonderful idea.

Here goes nothing.

If that's her idea
of nothing,

Can you imagine
her concept of something?

Culley, you're
a dirty old man.

* oh, moon of monaco *

Hi, doc. How is he?

Hey, ben.

How is he?

Why is it nobody ever asks
how the doctor is first?

Did it ever occur to you

That i could be sicker
than the patient?

Irving, i'm sorry.

Felix will survive,

But for all you know,
imight be terminal.

Thank god
i'm not a surgeon.

Can you wait
until i mix you a drink?


Felix is gonna be
all right, isn't he?

He'll be fine,

But i'm not so sure
about you, ben.

You look like 180 pounds
of condemned veal.

Why don't you let me
give you a vitamin shot?

No, none of your shots,
thank you.

Ooh, you never know.
It might help.

Come to think of it,

Why should i give you
a vitamin shot?

I'm the one
with the hangover.

Hi, hon. It's me.
Any messages?


I don't wanna talk
to her.

F.Y.I. Only,
i'm at farmer's.

Crude liver...

And a generous jolt
of adrenal cortex

Chased by a bloody mary.

I thought
that was a chaser.

Where would
salk or pasteur be

If they hadn't
taken chances?

I gotta get a story
straight for the press.

Tell them you'll only be
in the hospital

A couple of months.

Oh, fuck off,
will you, irving?!

Now, lila, in order
to inject this properly,

I have to expose
my gluteus maximus.

Want me
to do it for you?

Are you, per chance,
a nurse?

No. I used to be
a junkie.

Would it endanger
your amateur standing

If i asked you to use
a sterilized needle?

You're the doctor.

Oh, that's
the nicest thing

Anyone's said to me
all week.

Hello? Who is this?

Oh, hello, harry.

Culley. Yeah.

No, no, no.
It was just an accident.

Ben: oh, jesus.
It's all over town!

He put it in low
instead of reverse,

Went right through
the garage wall

And ended up in the ocean.

tell the world!

Yeah, damn lucky.

No, no, it was just one
of those ridiculous things.

Oh, here he is now.

Oh, felix, thank god!
We got our speech.

Felix, it's harry.

He wants to know
how you're feeling.

No, you didn't try
to take your life.

You hear that, harry?

He said, "i never
felt better in my life."



You know how they can

Blow a thing like this
all out of proportion.

Can you imagine
what would happen

If polly reed
got her hands on this?

Look, we gotta sit down
and get our story straight.

Let me handle it.

are you listening to me?

I wanna play it down.

I-I-It was
a freak accident.

Domestic problems?
No way, no way.

Tell the studio
the doctor wants him

To stay in bed
for a day or two.

No, i said ishould stay
in bed for a day or two.

He should go out, play golf,
get some exercise.

I know it's been
a bad couple of days,

And you look awful,
but don't you see?

The sooner we get
this thing settled,

The sooner
you'll get some rest.

Culley: no, harry,

I haven't said
anything to him.

They just pulled him
out of the pacific ocean!


Look, either
you come out here

And take care of it

Or butt out
and let me handle it.

I promise you, you'll be
the first one to know.

Now, take it easy,
harry. Goodbye.

Ooh, that's
a nervous jew.

This is a nervous jew.

You don't look nervous.

Oh, if you don't
stop it!

Don't get sore. Some of
my best friends are nervous.

Culley, you gotta
go talk to him.

In 10 minutes,
that doorbell is gonna ring,

And all hell is gonna...

See who it is, lila.

Oh, but don't
let them in.


I'd like to see felix.

Felix who?


This is the farmer house,
isn't it?

I'll have to ask.
Wait a minute.

It's a woman.
Gave me the creeps.

Describe her.

Bleached blond,
a lot of makeup.

Oh, it's polly!
It's polly!

She says
she wants to see felix.

What are we
gonna do, culley?

The back door.



I remember this scene
in "the thing."

There was
this horrible monster

On the other side
of the...

Will you shut up?!

Hi, polly. Hi.

amazing coincidence.

I was just
talking about you.

Oh, were you really,

Hello, culley, ben.

I hear that felix
tried to commit suicide.

You heard that felix...
ha ha ha ha ha.

"Felix tried
to commit suicide."

Ha ha ha ha ha!


He fell on her?

They've taken her to
the santa monica hospital.

How the hell
could he fall on her?

He was trying
to hang himself.

How is he?

He's okay.

Polly might have a fractured
pelvis and a broken leg.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

He fell on her!

Let's get
somethin' to eat.

Cute dog.

Heh. Yeah.

Okay, felix.

That a boy.


For the last 40 years,

I've lived a life
of dedicated debauchery.

I've consumed enough booze

To destroy
a dozen healthy livers.

I've filled my lungs
with enough nicotine

To poison the entire
population of orange county.

I've indulged
in sexual excesses

That would make caligula
look like a celibate monk.

I have, in fact,

Day in and day out,

For more years
than you've been

In this best
of all possible worlds,

Tried to kill myself,

And i've never felt better
in my life.

So if you're really
gonna end it all,

I can show you a half dozen
great ways to do it.

What did you give him?

Oh, a pinch of this,
a dash of that...

Sometimes referred to
in the trade

As a "sleeping beauty

Take no notice
if he begins to levitate.

It's a common
side effect.

Lila: culley!



I'm starved.

What do i do
about dinner?

What do you normally do
about dinner?


Well, why should tonight
be any different?

And we're out of vodka.

Jesus, irving.
I just opened a new fifth.

Then it's only fair
that i open the next.

I'll get it.


Yeah, just a minute.

For you.

This is dr. Finegarten.

Where's culley?


Oh, god!

Okay, put her through.

Culley, i just got back
from the hospital.

Watch the hole.
How's polly?

Broken arm,
fractured pelvis,

Screamin' her lungs out
at everybody,

Reporters all over
the place... sheesh!



What's the matter
with him?

Dr. Finegarten's
magic needle.

Well, i've seen
week-Old corpses

That look healthier.

But not happier.


Believe me, mrs. Zuckerman,
there's nothing serious.

Come on, lila.
I'll take you to the market.

Right. Just keep taking
the medicine.

Tomato juice.

And lots of water.

Doc, doc.

Good. Excellent.
And no spicy foods.

No, that's spicy,
mrs. Zuckerman.

In a couple of days,
if it isn't better,

You drop in the office.



Right. Goodbye,
mrs. Zuckerman.

Dr. Herb, i have got to
talk to felix right now.

Go ahead and talk to him.

He doesn't even know
i'm in the same room!

Oh, well,
if you want answers,

You better wait
about, uh, nine hours.

Nine hours?!

Farmer residence.
Who's calling?

It's david blackman.

Say hello.

Uh, this is ben coogan.

Maybe i could help
mr. Blackman.

Join me in one of these
gentle little pink pills?

It's david blackman.
Don't you understand'?


Uh, yes, sir.
Yes, sir, mr. Blackman.

This is ben coogan.
Yes, sir.

Listen, ben,
i need straight information.

We're getting
all kinds of stories here.

Well, right now,
he's heavily sedated, sir.

Uh, dr. Irving finegarten.

If he doesn't remember me,
mention his first clap.

I'm gonna kill you
one day!

I didn't give it to him.
I cured him.

Yes, sir.
I'm afraid so, sir.

All right.
Keep in touch.

Hollywood gossip columnist

Was seriously injured today

While visiting the malibu home
of film producer felix farmer.

According to reports,

Mr. Farmer fell
from his second-Story bedroom

And landed on miss reed,

Who was then rushed
to the malibu hospital,

Where she's reported to be
in satisfactory condition...

"Satisfactory," shit!

Farmer was involved
in a bizarre accident...



And sank
into the malibu surf.

How do you feel?

How do i feel?

Jesus, willard!

In the 14 years
we've been married,

You've asked some
pretty stupid questions,

But how do i feel really
takes the friggin' cake!

It's just
a hospital-Type question.

Then you're
a hospital-Type moron!

How do i feel?!
Look at me!

I feel marvelous!

I thought maybe after
dinner, we'd go dancing!

Oh, where is
that friggin' nurse?

I dropped by
the farmer's market

And got you some fudge.

I'm surprised
it wasn't a trampoline.

I'm in a lot of pain,
and i want another shot.

I'm sorry, miss reed,

But i can't give you
another shot until 9:00.

That's two hours!

L'm sorry,
but the doctor...

I'm in agony,
and you're sorry?!

You get on the phone
with the doctor right now

And you tell him

I need something
for my pain right now

i'm in agony and...


Who are you?

That is
the marquis de sade,

And he has
nothing to say about it,

But you'd damn well
better listen

To what i'm telling you.

I'll see
what i can do.

You do more than just see ,
missy! You do, see?!


I feel just terrible.


I just hate being
in this horrible hospital.

It'll be all right,

No, it won't.

Sure, it will.

No, it won't!

And you're not
making matters any better

Just hanging around here
making me nervous.

I thought that
i might be able to help.

You wanna help?

Run down to malibu.
Drop in on felix.

See what the hell
is going on.

You mean now?

No, next month.
Of course now!

My god.
A simple little favor.

You'd think i was asking
for the friggin' moon.

Do you want me
to telephone you

Or drop back by?

Oh, whatever.



Oh, what a moron.

Well, do i get my shot?

Oh, yes.

Thank heaven. Hurry up,
for christ's sake.

Come on, come on! Jesus!


Culley! Culley!



I just saw
sam marshall!

Well, how is he?

Do you know him?


Oh, my god!
Here he comes!

Hey, culley.

Sam, how are you?

Hey, you living
on the beach now?

No, just visiting.

Hey, well, why don't you
drop by the house?

I'm having
a little birthday party.


Thank you,
but it's not mine.

Oh? Whose is it?

I don't know, but it's gotta
be somebody's, right?

So you're invited.

I'd like to, but, uh,
hey, i've got an idea.

You know felix farmer,
don't you?

Sure. We're
practically neighbors.

Well, he's kinda
down in the dumps...

Needs cheering up.

Look, if mohammed
can't go to the party,

Then the party
will go to mohammed.

You never know.
It might be his birthday.

Are you having problems,

Uh, lila, sam.
Sam, lila.

Hello, lila.



It's nothing.
She's just a big fan.

Help me get her up.

Are you sure?


Come on.

O kay.

See you
on the beach, huh?

Sure. Sure.

You feeling better?

So, what do you do?

I breed armadillos.

You enjoy your work?

Not especially,

But the armadillos
sure get a kick out of it.

Is it profitable?

Only in
the spiritual sense.

A wise man once said,
"make an armadillo smile,

And the world
is your oyster."

At one time, i considered
breeding oysters,

But it just
didn't sound right.

"Make an oyster smile"...

..."and the world
is your armadillo."

You can see the problem.


Drink this for me,
will you, please?

why haven't you called?

Your line has been busy.

I even had the operator
check it out.

I want to talk to felix
right now.

Upstairs, first bedroom
on the left.

Want a drink?

No, i don't want a drink
till i talk to felix.

what's he want here?

He just wants
to talk to felix.

Well, we can't let him
talk to felix.

Go have a scotch
and maalox, will you?

Hello, willard.

Hello, culley.
Hi, ben.

Sam marshall's having
a birthday party,

And we can use someone
of your gender and wit.

How's felix?

Recovering, fortunately.
How's polly?


Dive in, will you?

Oh, god. Culley!

It's for you.

Hi, mr. Culley.

come in, come in.

We thought we'd stop by.

Good. Nothing like a uniform
to keep an orgy organized.

You're kidding.

Oh, bribe you, maybe,
but kid you, never.

Your attention, everyone.

Hey! Hey!

Officers buchwald
and sutherland.

This a bust?

Of course.
But you got six hours

To try
to talk them out of it.

* happy birthday to you *

* happy birthday to you *

* happy birthday,
dear somebody *

* happy birthday to you *

Did you find out anything
about sam marshall?

Yeah. He's asking a million
against 10% of the gross,

And that's double what
he got on his last picture.

His last picture
was a big hit.

It wasn't that big.

I don't even
want to talk about it.

O kay.

Look, this picture
is important to me.

You can't expect me to...

David, if you don't want to
talk about it, let's don't.

Woman: telephone,
mr. Blackman.



He's upstairs
under heavy sedation.

That's right.

Well, i'm gonna
stick around for a while

In case
he comes out of it.


Sam marshall's having
a birthday party.

Work on marshall.

Iwant him
for "killing ground,"

But not at a million
against 10%.

All right.
What's the limit?

Half a million
against 5%.

All right.
Great. Great.

Uh, i'll see
what i can do, okay?


* tomorrow morning n'

* i'm changing my appeal *

* into the fast lane n'

* into the sun *

* under the bright lights *

* i play the... *

* tomorrow morning n'

* oh, the start of a new day n'

M' i feel my spirit
wash over me n'

* tomorrow morning... *


It's for you, sam.


He gave benson orders
to work on you.

He absolutely won't go
for a million,

But he will settle
for $750.


Uh, look, let me, uh,

Let me give you a call
in the morning.

Yeah, i miss you, too.



Ha ha ha!


I got it!


Sex, culley!

That's the answer!

We'll give them
a $40-Million

Pornographic love epic!


He's gone berserk.

He says he knows how to make
"night wind" the biggest grosser

In the history
of the entertainment business,

And he wants to meet you
at the studio right now.

Polly wolly doodle!

Felix, you can't go
to the studio.

What would
david blackman say?

Ahh! Damn it!

What the hell
did you do to me?

Why are you
kissing me?

It could be your one chance
to recoup all the...

Man: ahh!

Oh, my god!


I'm so sorry.

Call a doctor!

He's on his way.

I gotta go.
I'll get him.

Why are you going?

Don't go!

Don't go!

Why are you going?

Don't pull on the leg!

Oh! Don't pull on my leg!

Get the goddamn dog
out of here!

Take it easy, benny.

Th e party's over.

* lullaby and good night *

See you
in a couple of days.

Willard: get that goddamn dog
out of here!

Have you seen him?


What is this
all about?

I don't know.

What happened to you?

If i told you,
you wouldn't believe me.


Where the hell
is he?

I don't know, but he said
he was gonna be here.





Felix: n' fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well,
my fairy fay *

* for i'm goin' to lou'siana
for to see my susy anna n'

M' singing polly wolly doodle
all the day n'

What the hell is...

She remembers the song.

What does it mean?

A childhood trauma
buried deep in her unconscious.

Her dying father,
her lying mother,

The final piece of the jigsaw.

She's emancipated.

But we blew it!
We didn't grab 'em!


Do you know why?

L'll tell you why...

Because dying fathers
and lying mothers

Are a dime a dozen
these days.

Home and family have become
civilization's antiques,

Along with the flag,
sunday school,

Girl-Scout cookies,
c.B. De mille, and virginity.

We gave them virtue.
They want vice.

We sold them schmaltz.
They prefer sadomasochism.

of the american dream,

It should have been
the american wet dream!

We'll reshoot.

We'll make frigid
businesswoman gillian west

Nymphomaniac executive.

Packard dehibbert,
rugged male chauvinist,

Is really a transvestite.

The dream sequence
will become erotic orgies.


It is perfect!

It is a 20th-Century
sodom and gomorrah,

And in the end,

God turns gillian
into saltpeter!

for god's sake...

Think of it, david.

Like the phoenix
rising from the ashes,

"Night wind" will become
the greatest moneymaking film

In motion picture

a $30-Million flop.

Tomorrow, a $40-Million
box-Office champion!


A month to rewrite.

Another $10 million?

Maybe 11. No more.

You expect me to put up
another $11 million

For what is maybe
the worst piece of crap

That i have
ever seen in...


Now, i'll tell you
what you're gonna do,

And i'll tell you
what you can do...

You're gonna recut
"night wind"

Exactly the way
i tell you to cut it.


Then, by god, if it's
the last thing i do,

I'll fix it so you never do
another picture in this town

As long as you live!

Ow! Oh, my god!

Get him off the lot!

I'll have you arrested!
You are a maniac!

Go on. Have me arrested.

I still own 150,000 shares
of capitol films,

And next month
at the annual meeting,

We'll let the stockholders
decide who's the maniac.

You think
when the stockholders hear

That you personally cost
the company $30 million...

Me, personally?

It's your film...
a felix farmer production.

And who okayed the script
and budget?

Who's responsible for going
$12 million over budget?

I put a gun to your head,

And said,
"give me another $12 million

Or i'll blow
your brains out"?

You think i wanted to spend
the extra $12 million?

It's your fault
we fell behind schedule!

Then why
didn't you fire me?

He didn't fire you

Because he's a decent
human being, that's why.

Fire me,
he's got no fall guy.

Felix, you're finished.
You're through.

Contract or no contract,

I am going to cut
your picture,

And you can go ahead
and sue.

Go ahead.

Cutting won't help.

If you won't let me
reshoot it, sell it to me.

what did you say?

I'll buy "night wind."
How much do you want?

Benson: he's crazy.

Blackman: yeah, but he's got
the first nickel he ever made.

You serious?

Name your price.

What do you think?

I don't know.

I'm telling you,
he's nuts.

He's not responsible
for what he's saying.

Then we gotta make sure
that we cash the check

Before they lock him up.

We got $30 million,

Plus prints, advertising,
and interest.

I can raise $20 million.

Forget it.

You can tear up
my contract...

Three pictures, pay or play,
plus a gross percentage.

$20 million, your contract,
and your capitol stock.

No, no, no. I'll only buy
if i can reshoot.

My stock will just about
cover that.

Good night, felix.

And don't forget
to turn off the lights.

* fare thee well,
fare thee well n'

* fare thee well,
my fairy fay *

* for i'm goin' to lou'siana
for to see my susy anna... *

$18 million,
contract, and stock.


Get the lawyers.


* singin' polly wolly doodle
all the day n'

Ha ha ha!

A major studio executive
told me this morning

That felix farmer paid
capitol studios $35 million

For all rights to "night wind,"
starring his wife sally.

"Smiles," to her close friends,
isn't smiling this morning,

Probably because

Under the california
community-Property law,

Half of that $35 million
is hers.

If felix doesn't make
"night wind" a box-Office hit,

Poor sally
might never smile again.

This is tammy taylor
from hollywood.

This is
tammy taylor from hollywood.

Open your mouth, willard,

And i'll smear krazy glue
on your bedpan!


what's happenin'?

Sell it. All right.

Then get on the phone to geneva
and dump the gold.

I have to have
another $5 million, bill.

No. No.

Bill, there's no time
to discuss.

I have to be shooting
by september 1.

We're in business.

All right.
Writers, writers.

Who wrote "last tango"?

Beats me.

My god, culley.

Neither one of us knows
who wrote "last tango."

I hated it.

I can never remember
the names of people

That perpetrate
something i hate.

But that's the trouble,
don't you see?

I hated it, too.

In my opinion,
a discretionary judgment.

But we're wrong, culley.

That's what they want.
That's where it's at.

It's been my experience

That every time i think
i know where it's at,

It's usually
somewhere else.

Come on, old son,
you know as well as i do

That if we're gonna
stay in business,

If we are
to remain filmmakers

In any sense of the word,

We must shake off the rusty
shackles of the past,

Observe the present
for what it is

And the future
for what it will become,

Like it or not.

Then we must make
our trade of comment.

Felix, as far as you know,
have i ever lied to you?


Well, i have,
once or twice...

About nothing
that was too important.

But now the fact
that i have admitted

That on occasion
i have lied to you

Should convince you that
i'm a fairly honest man,

And, when it comes
to the crunch,

That i can handle myself

With an acceptable degree
of integrity.

Now do you agree?


I'm gonna give it to you
straight, old friend.

You think i'm crazy.

Well, that's a little
straighter than i intended.

Maybe, culley, maybe.

Hey, i tried to kill myself
four times...

Hardly rational.

$16 million-Plus
for a flop,

Every cent i have
in the world...

Not what most people would
consider a very sane act.

But insane, culley?

What if i'm right?

If my vision is valid,
culley, not so crazy,

A more acceptable insanity.

Culley, that's all
besides the point.

Sane and miserable
or insane

And bursting with greater
joy and happiness...

That's the point,

And in the final analysis,

Who says, "he's sane,
therefore he should,"

Or "he's insane,
therefore he shouldn't"?

Culley, come on.

Even if i'm wrong...
and i'm not...

I'm full of fire,

I'm a blazing comet.

Comets burn out, pal.

But, ah, my foes,
and, oh, my friends,

It gives a lovely light.



I must warn you...
my hands are lethal weapons.

Oh, so's your goddamn
fountain pen!

I'd better be going.

You stay, culley.
You're a witness.

You lunatic! You maniac!

$16 million?!

Felix, half of that money
is mine!

That entitles you
to 50% of the profits!

That entitles me
to have you arrested

For grand theft, larceny,
fraud, embezzlement,

You thieving
filthy son of a bitch!

Sally miles swears!

You're gonna give me
my $8 million,

Or so help me,
i'll have you locked up

For the rest
of your unnatural life!

Give me my money, felix!

Give it to me,
or i will kill you!

Sally miles kills!


Oh, shit!

Sally miles says "shit"!


It's $100 million
at the box office!

$200 million!

Ha ha! Peter pan is dead!

Long live gillian west,
nymphomaniac executive!

Ha ha ha ha!

Not since edison,
not since griffith,

Not since jolson!

We'll make
motion-Picture history!

Ah! A cinematic monument
to man's immorality,

A celluloid prophecy
of the holocaust to come,

For if god spared
not the angels that sinned,

But cast them down to hell

And delivered them
into chains of darkness

To reserve them for judgment,
and spared not the old world,

But saved noah,

The eighth person,
a preacher of righteousness,

Bringing the flood
upon the world of the ungodly.


Oh, god!

Ij' oh...i...sneezed so hard
with the whooping cough *

* sing polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* he sneezed his head and tail
right off *

* polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* for i'm off to lou'siana
for to see my susy anna *

* polly wolly doodle all day *

* polly wolly doodle all day *

* sing polly wolly doodle *

* all the day *

* fare thee well n'

I broke you,
and i can make you.

It's rotten,
but it's a revelation.

We fail that we may succeed.

Now, we keep the basic set.

It's still a dream,

But now a freudian nightmare
of erotic symbolism.

Seduced in a nursery,
but not voluntarily,

Not the victim
of her own insatiable lust,

As she always feared,
but the victim

Of a powerful aphrodisiac
slipped in her bosco.

New lyrics, bob,
prurient but profound.

it's not that easy.

Gino, new choreography.
The animals are out.

Somehow, i don't think
bestiality makes it musically.

But, felix, it's
such a different concept.

A different concept for
a different world, gino.

Costumes, agnes.

what about the costumes?

Well, it depends.

I mean, how erotic
do you really want to go?

Go, go.
E-R-O-T-I-C. Go, go, go!

Sally miles,
america's g-Rated darling,

In the b-U-F-F?

Why not?

Felix, darling,
some of her fans

Still don't think
she goes to the bathroom.

If you want to dramatize
the evils of prostitution,

Corrupt a virgin,
not a whore.

Wait. Just let me
readjust my sights.

15 years of nuns' habits

And tu rtleneck
bathing suits,

And now... whoo?

Agnes, remember
your first academy award...

Garbo talks?

Yes, she talked, but she
went to the bathroom, too.

You can do it, agnes.
I know you can.


Okay. I can do it.

That's my girl!

What i do now?
Kitchen no work.

Fridge broke.
Who fix the fridge?

We get a fridge fixer.
Fix the fridge.

Then we get an eye and ear
and nose and throat fixer

And have him
cut out your tongue.

Felix had absolutely
no right to do that.

Gary said
in any court of law...

Sally, with all
due respect to gary,

He's very bright, but he's
your personal secretary,

Not you r lawyer.

You mean felix can spend
every single cent...

No. Legally, you can
take him to court.

You can get an injunction
for your half of the money,

But the press is going
to have a field day.

Do you really want to go
through something like that?

No, but i don't want to
lose $8 million, either.

Sally, suppose the things
that felix wants you to do

Make sense
in today's market.

Would you consider
doing the film?

You mean forget the money?

No, i don't mean
forget the money.

Of course not
forget the money.

But for the sake
of this discussion,

Would you, if it wasn't
for just a cheap effect...

Would you consider
doing a nude scene

Or getting raped

Or whatever the hell it is
he wants you to do?

Well, if it wasn't
for cheap effect...

I don't know.

What do you think?
You're my agent.

Well, dear, if i thought
it was a real ballsy part

And the audience
would believe you in it,

I certainly would
have to consider it.

But you're the first one

To preach my audience
to me, and my image.

Darling, i'm the last
person in the world

Who would want to monkey
around with your image.

But if i was certain...

If i was absolutely
dead positive...

That you couldn't miss,

And incidentally,
turn a flop into a success...

Sally, creative judgments
are not my department,

But i think you've got

A few very important things
to consider

Before you jump into
an $8-Million lawsuit.

Sally: now, let me see
if i can get this straight.

I can sue, but at best,
it would be expensive,

It would cause
a lot of bad publicity,

And there's more
than a little chance

That i would lose.

On the other hand,
i can do the film,

And please, god,
felix is right

And it's a success,

Then i would get
my $3 million back

Plus half the profits.

That's the least
you would get.

Oh, i think
we can guarantee you

A deal better than that.

Let's say
100% of the profits.

I mean, what the hell
is felix gonna do?

I don't know
about any of this.

Look, you just go ahead

And make the best deal
you possibly can, okay?

Then you'll do
the picture?

What choice do i have?

I'll get the car.

All right, clive.

You know,
i'm really surprised

That miss miles
decided not to sue.

I was talking
to a lawyer friend of mine

The other night,

And he thought miss miles
had an excellent case.

She'd have no trouble at all

If she decided to sue
mr. Farmer.

Okay. Why don't you
suggest to miss miles

That she discharge me

And get your friend
to represent her?

He also mentioned

That your firm represents
capitol films.

That must make it
very hard

For you
to remain impartial.

Are you suggesting

That i might be inclined to
favor capitol's interests?


Uh, herb.

Gary. It is gary,
isn't it?

Yes, yes.

Uh, tell me.

Have you suggested any
of these things to sally?

Not yet. I wanted to know

What you had to say
about it.

Oh. Well, what if i said,
gary, that i thought

You were much too bright
a young man

To just be
a personal secretary?

I'd say i agree with you.

I think you'd make
a hell of an agent.

I think i'd make
a better producer.

Now, i'm giving a little
party friday night.

David blackman
will be there.

Oh, i'd enjoy meeting
mr. Blackman.

I'm sure you would.
All right. 8:00.

Dress casual.

Mr. Blackman's office.

Man: give me blackman!

Yes. One minute, please.


overseas from mr. Metzig.

Hello, j.G.?

Yes, j.G.

Yes, i've seen it.

The newsweek article.

Yeah. Yes, j.G.

Yes, it is getting
a lot of publicity.

Well, why should i
get into it?

It's not our picture

No, i told you.
Outright. Everything.

You approved it.

My god.
That illiterate asshole

Thinks if sally miles
does a nude scene,

"Night wind"
could be a hit.

He says we should at least

Make a distribution deal
with felix.


What if he's
already made a deal

With another company?


I want to get a look
at that new script.

It's not going to be easy.

Just get it, all right?
When he starts shooting,

I want you
on that sound stage.

What if it's a closed set?

I told you i just
want something done!


Just get on that set
and give me a report.

I may want to look
at his dailies, okay?



Come on. It's okay.

Anybody got a blanket?

Man: hey, that's a good blanket.

Hey, you wreck that blanket,
you're gonna buy me a new one.

Taylor: burgess webster
is best remembered

For his outstanding performance
as uncle fudd

In "mississippi mud."

This morning on stage 15
at capitol studio,

The entire company

Of felix farmer's
controversial new film,

"Night wind,"

Observed a minute of silence
in memory of the famous actor.

Speaking of "night wind,"
rumor has it that today,

Movie history will be made
when sally miles,

The silver screen's symbol
of sweetness, sinlessness,

And sobriety,
proves once and for all

That peter pan
really is a girl.

Yes, sir, believe it or not,

America's g-Rated sweetheart
in an x-Rated nude scene.

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'


Cut it.

You call that fast?
Is that what you call fast?

Get the lead out, i say.


I could have made better time
in a covered wagon!

$10 a mile, you can't even
use the siren!

I'm telling you,
if i'm late for this,

I'm gonna have
a few things to say

About your rotten service
in my next column!

Come on, let's go!
Come on!

Where do you think
you're goin'?

We're on our way to lourdes.

Where the hell
do you think we're going?

You gotta have a pass.

Do you know who i am?

Yeah. You're somebody
who's makin' a big mistake

If you think you're gonna
get on this stage

Without a pass.

It's no use.
I can't do it.

I thought i could,
but i just cannot.

Culley: sally...

No, culley.

will you please...

No, felix. No, no, no.

There is no way
in god's earth

That i am gonna
bare my... ha!...

Out there on that stage.

I thought i could.

You can, you can.

My mind says yes,
but my body says no.

I know what it means
to the film.

I know it means that
i'm not being a trouper

And things like that,
but it's out of my hands.

I'm helpless.

Sally, we'll clear everybody
off the sound stage.

We'll set the lights,
turn the camera,

Everybody will leave.

What about the guy
in the jack-In-The-Box?

We'll blindfold him!
Nobody will see.

My public will see!
My children will see!

It will be r-Rated.

They won't even
let them in!

But they'll know!
Don't you care if they know?

God, felix, they're
your children, too.

Sophia loren has children.

I hear
she's a wonderful mother.

She would never do anything
to hurt her children,

And god knows
the public has seen her...

Oh, i know.

Glenda jackson.

A fantastic mother.

Vanessa redgrave.

You'll never find
a better mother.

who's not english.

Ben: jane fonda.
Shirley maclaine.

Liv ullmann!
Liv ullmann!

Liv ullmann?

I think so.

Liv ullmann.

I don't think there's
anything in this contract...

I want to know
where we stand legally.

He can't hire
outside security,

But he can close
the stage.

He must at all times
comply with the existing...

Wait a minute!

Morning, richard.

How's the old prostate?

Oh, god.
Wait a minute. Shit.

Don't you move me,
you clods!

Now, you listen to me,

You penny-Ante, pea-Brain,
junior g-Man.

If you know
what's good for you,

You better get on that phone
and tell mr. Big shot farmer

That i said he better
let me on that stage

Or i'll crucify him
in 150 newspapers

Every day for the rest
of his useless life!

Hello, polly.


You look like
an anemic turtle.

You're gonna let
that shyster on?!

I could sue you
for calling me that, polly.

A shyster
is a disreputable lawyer.

I'm a quack.

You better tell felix
i'm out here!

David! David.

This maniac insulted me

And physically prevented me

From going
through that door.

Okay. I'm david blackman.

I run this studio,

And i'm ordering you
off the lot.

Now, are you gonna move,
or am i gonna move you?

You'd be making
a serious mistake,

Mr. Blackman.

What's your name?

Harrigan, harold p.

All right,
mr. Harrigan, harold b.,

I'm going to remember you.

I'm going back to my office.

If you're not off this lot
by the time i get there,

You'll never work again
in this town

As long as you live!

David, david!
Wait a minute.

What about me?

Just relax, polly.
Don't go anywhere.

I'll be back.

Do you know
what that meant, huh?

That's your ass!


Dick, what are you
fooling around for?

Get him off the street.


Oh, that stings!

It takes approximately
25 seconds

For a shot to travel
from stern to stem.

Of course, the time can vary
two or three seconds

According to the heart rate,
height of the patient,

And the amount
of gluten. Muscle

Into which it was injected.

Also, there's the matter
of drug potency

To be considered.

You should be
feeling it about, uh, now.





I suggest you sit
until you get your sea legs.

Can she work?

Is batman a transvestite?
Who knows?

I was specifically requested
to alleviate her anxiety.

Work was never mentioned.

Irving, she's got
a very big scene to do!

I'm gonna show
my boobies.

What do you think,

You've seen my boobies.
Are they worth showing?

Well, since i can
only render an evaluation

Based on
a completely impersonal,

Purely professional
examination of the subject...

Uh, subjects...
i would have to say

That in my humble opinion,

You've got a terrific
pair of knockers.


Well...let's get
this show on the road.

Set them up!
Clear the stage!

No, no, no.

You don't mind?

No, no, no, no.

Oh! Easy, gal, easy.

Oh, you've got
some fast moves

For an old john, culley.

You okay?


You know, you are
sexually notorious.

Semifraudulent reputation,

Which i do everything
i can to encourage.


Because it's the best way
for an old man to compete

In a young man's world.

Hey, terrific.
Hang in there, culley.

Mickey. Get them ready.

Hi, mickey.


I certainly am, right?

You certainly are.

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well,
my fairy fay m'

* oh, i went to... *

Are you sure you're okay?


* sing polly wolly doodle *

* all the day *


Is she gonna be
all right?

Well, it depends on what
you mean by "all right."

I once cured an amateur
skydiver of acrophobia.

Now, you could say
he was all right

he was able to jump.

But he was not all right
because he was so stoned,

He neglected
to open his parachute.

You know, irving,
you're a real twat.

Oh, that reminds me.
Polly's outside.




Trying to get inside.

Oh, my god.

* there are
only five bullets *

* in my old six-Shooter *

* 'cause
i had to say goodbye *

* to mona s.€?

Sally, we'll pick it up
where you enter

The devil's mouth, okay?

O kay.

Don't blame the guard.
He was just doing his job.

I left
explicit instructions...

Nobody to pass
without a pass.

Did you leave
explicit instructions

That he was
supposed to insult me?!

there's a red light on.

There's a red light.

I can't see.
Pick me up.

Gently, gently.

* singing polly wolly
doodle all... *

Polly: sally!

Man: quiet!

Oh, hi, polly.
Come to see my boobies?

Okay, you dirty rat.
Roll them.

All right.
Quiet now on a bell.

And...roll, please.



* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'


Man: atta girl, sally!


B rava!



let me talk to david.

It's for you.

This is j.G.
I'm still waiting.


Yes, j.G. I was
just going to call you...

Yes, j.G.,
We're working on it.

Well, please, just relax.

We're going to get it.

I promise you,
we're going to get it,

And we're going to get it

the stockholders' meeting.

Yes. I guarantee it.


How's the weather? Great.


Chairman of the board
of one of the biggest

Grocery chains
in the whole country,

And all he can think about
is the movies.

Driving me crazy.
Hello, eva?

Got anything?

Yes, gary talked to her.

When was the last time
you talked to gary?

Well, i talked to him

Is she going to sign
or isn't she?

'Cause if she doesn't,
it's my ass.

Da... pffftt!

David, stop worrying
about it.

Yes, sweetie, i promise you.

I promise you
that she's going to do it.

Yes, darling.

Bye, sweetie.


Chinese new year,
everybody go san francisco.

Not everybody, kiddo.

I no go san francisco.

Missy farmer
no go san francisco.

You no go san francisco.

Because missy farmer
have a party friday night.

Friday chinese new year!


I chinese!

That's what you say.

Danny kaye cooks better
chinese food than you do.

You don't even
play ping-Pong.

You probably
had your eyes fixed.

Kung fu's galloping gourmet
is off his litchi nut again.

Look, i told you,

Something like this
cannot be rushed.

One way or another,
you'll be the first to know.

If i swing it, she'll
probably call you herself.

Thanks, gary.


You look a little tired.

I suppose i am, a bit.

The studio called.

You don't have to be
in makeup until 10:00.


I have been working
rather hard.

Not to mention
the emotional strain.

Well, felix says

There's nothing
to worry about.


Well, i hope he's right,
for your sake.

You don't think
he's right, do you?

If it were your film...

All your money...

Would you do it all

I mean, distribute it
and advertise it...

The whole thing?


Why not?

Well, because i'm,
by nature,

A very cautious person.

I'd want absolutely
the best protection

I could get for my money,

Especially if it were
all my money.

I'll tell you one thing
i'd do for sure.

I'd try and get good advice.

I'd pick up the phone

And i'd call somebody
who knows the business,

Somebody i can trust,

Like your agent.

You're late.

I wasn't sure.

But you came.

After all
we've been through,

You still want me?

Not bad, felix.

What... out!

Out! You're
not allowed in here!

Nobody sees my movie
without my permission.

Your movie, felix?

My movie, every frame,
in an ironbound contract

That proves it,
which very clearly states

I have absolute,
complete control.

An hour ago,

Your wife signed
a distribution contract.

Distribution contract
for what?

"Night wind."


When i need your help,

My wife? Culley!

My wife
can't sign anything.

According to a superior
court judge, she can.

She has a right
to protect her investment,

Particularly since she didn't
agree to the investment.

You're getting off easy.

If she wanted to,

She could have you
arrested for embezzlement.


There's judas!


Get him out of here!

Pack up his office
and get him off this lot.

You've got
one hour to do it!

Don't press
your luck, david.

Felix: they stole
my film!

He broke
my fuckin' nose.

I'm gonna sue the bastard.

Get his nose to a doctor.

Call the lab
and don't let that lunatic

Within a mile
of that negative!

Have you got
a handkerchief?


the cutter?

Yes, sir.
Ralph himmler.

What's the running time,

163 minutes.

That's too long.

Okay, let's see
what we've got

And what we can lose.

They stole my film!

They stole!

You philistines!

Don't go off

You stole my film!


I'll steal your car.

Felix, see a lawyer,
for god's sake.


10 mary 28, in pursuit
of a black clinnay,

Personalized plate,
"cap exec."



Where is she?

daddy, daddy!


Hands up.


gimme that.

Which rangoon?

She's gone see a swami
or somethin'.

Give me that.

She's gonna need
more than a swami!

Don't shoot!

Man: stop!

Hold it!

Hold it!
He hit my motorcycle!

Let's go.

6l41, advise all units.

Possible suspect
from black clinnay

Now driving
white rolls-Royce.



* da da da da da *

It's me.
Harrigan, harold p.

Oh, harrigan,
harrigan, yes.

I just started here today,

Thanks to mr. Culley's


Good old culley.

Somethin' wrong,
mr. Farmer?

No, no, no, no.

I'm just late
for a very important date.

Oh, like
alice in wonderland.


The march hare.

It's good
to see you again, harry.

Ah, mr. Farmer.

The studio just called,
and i'm afrai-I-I...

I'm a desperate man,
mr. Lipschitz.

If every reel
of my negative

Is not in this office
in 10 minutes,

I'm gonna
blow your brains out.

Please, mr. Farmer,
don't shoot.

Just do what i tell you
and nobody gets hurt.

just stay where you are.

Get out of the way.
He's crazy.

I'll shoot, harrigan.

For god's sake, harrigan,
get out of the way!

Mr. Farmer,
give me that gun.

I'm gonna shoot!

He's gonna shoot!

You really
don't want to do that.

Yes, i do!

Yes, he does.
You're fired, harrigan.

Come on.

You don't understand!

That's my film!

It's his film!

They took away
my film!

They took away
his film!


I'm sorry, mr. Farmer.

It's all right, harrigan.

This could mean
another $10 million

At the box office.

Frank sinatra:
* when somebody loves you *

* it's no good
unless she loves you... *

Grazie, signore.

What did you play?

$6 worth of sinatra.




I mean, s.O.B.

operational bullshit.

They kill the poor
sweet son of a bitch,

And then they give him
a send-Off

Like he's
some kind of a saint.

And she's gonna sing,
for christ's sake.

She knifes him in the back,

And then
she's gonna sing to him?

It's bullshit, culley.


Well, it's not funny.

No, i guess it's not.

Well, maybe it should be.

You want to step outside?

Who are you talking to?


Well, you're looking
between us.

Well, maybe,
but you know who i mean.

Culley, how about it?
You want to step outside?


Come on.
I want to fight you.

What for?
You know i can lick you.

Well, right, that's why.

I'm so damn ashamed

Of so many things
i've done

And i didn't do
and i should have

And i didn't
and i did 'em anyway.


I want culley to beat
the shit out of me

So i can feel better.

But brother sinner,

Even though
i completely understand

Your need for purgation...

Do you?
I mean, do you really?

There isn't a man among us
with half a conscience

Who doesn't keep
a hair shirt

As a permanent part
of his wardrobe.

What does that mean?


Can you explain it
to him, culley?

It's not easy.

There are so few people
in this town

With a conscience.

Well, i'll tell you
one thing.

I got a postcard
from lila and babs.

I am not going
to that bullshit funeral.

It's hycop...


it's bullshit! Huh?

What is your disposition
regarding the funeral,

Brother culley?

I vote with brother ben.

So what's the alternative?

We don't go.

Ah, not good enough.

Felix deserves better
than they're gonna give him,

And it's up to us
to see that he gets it.

Therefore, i propose
that we give him

The undeceitful,
openhearted last honors

Which are his due.

L 'chaim.

Whatever that means.

You stay in the car.

Who stay in the car?

Him stay in the car.

I don't want to stay
in the car.

We've got to be
sly and stealthy,

And you're too pissed!

I can be just as ty
and slealthyas you can!

It's rise or fall
together, culley.

It's the three

Let's go.

I'll be with you
in a minute.

You can always do that.

I gotta...

How are we gonna get in?

We'll knock on the door
and tell them you're dead.

That's not funny.

What if there's
a burglar alarm?

Ben, stand guard,
will you?

She was accompanied

By professor
krishna mansak hasari,

And when questioned
by reporters,

The actress refused to comment
on her husband's tragic death.

Services for felix farmer
are scheduled for tomorrow

On stage 15 at capitol studios.

A family spokesman said today

That a record turnout
is expected

To pay final tribute
to the late producer

Who was shot by police

While he was trying to steal
the negatives

From the controversial film
"night wind" on tuesday.

It is ironic...


Ben, come on.

Come on.



Burgess webster.

You'd think after
all that time on a beach,

He'd have
a little more color.

Damn good actor.

You know,
it's not fair.

Felix gets stage 15,

Burgess winds up
in potter's field.

At least
they ought to give him

Additional dying credits.

You've got
a wicked witty mouth.

Better to kiss
your funny bone with.


Good night,
sweet prince.

Why don't we put burgess
in felix's box?

Oh, brilliant! Culley,
when this is all over,

I'm gonna ask you
to marry me.

I'd cheat on you.

Just so long
as you don't tell anybody.



What is that?

Sounds like someone
left a faucet running.

I'm peeing.

Into what?

My pants!

Well, as long
as you're not obliged

To hit anything,

Pee your way over here
and give us a hand.

I'm gonna go wait
in the car.

Just hang onto felix

Until we get burgess
straightened out.

You got him?

Yeah. He doesn't have
any shoes on!

He's through walking.

In order
to make this thing work,

We have to get somebody else
into burgess' box.

Genius. Hopefully,
they'll be so busy

Trying to locate
the missing stiff,

They won't notice
the old switcheroo.

Are you still peeing?

No, but now i've gotta...


Draw u p.

Think about being sodomized
by a bull elephant.

You get the head
this time.

Don't you have
any respect for the dead?!

Shh! Shh.

We can raise our rates
after this one.


We'll bring out
a whole new catalog.

And we'll use
the farmer funeral

As a centerfold.


Okay. All right.



Get the door, ben.

What's the matter
with you?

I got stomach cramps.


Get the door, ben.

And the seat.
Get the seat.

In you go, baby.

He won't bend.

He'll bend, he'll bend.
You just gotta force him.

Look, i'll push down.
You pull on his ankles.

Come on, pull, ben.
That's it.

Oh, boy.

He'd be less conspicuous
if his eyes were open.

He'd be less conspicuous

If he was back in his box.


She left some glasses.

Irving: oh ho ho. Genius.

Ben: oh, my god.

All right.
Get in the back with him.

Why me?

Because you smell like
a boiler-Room urinal,

And felix is the only one
who doesn't mind.

And it will look better
if he has company.

It would be incommodious

If we got stopped
for a traffic violation.

What the hell's wrong,

How do i know?


Oh, man. Ben, ben.



Ben, ben.

Put your arm
around him.

Culley: it stalled.
Happens occasionally.

Act nonchalant.

Talk to him.
Talk to him.

Read any good books

Nod his head.

I think it's flooded.

It will have to sit
for a minute.

Okay. Let's go.

How's your heart?

"Nod his head."
I could...

You had to do something.

I did do something.
I shit my pants.

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* for i'm goin' to lou'siana
for to see my susy anna *

* singin' polly wolly doodle
all the day *

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well,
my fairy... i ♪

They do this
all the time in ireland.

They never heard of
"polly wolly doodle"

In ireland.

I mean a wake.


Or asleep.

* perchance to dream *

* when you're
feelin' blue *

Oh, i'm sorry.

Ben! Do you realize
in a matter of a few hours,

You have demonstrated

Most of your excremental
bodily functions?

I haven't sneezed.

A sneeze is expiatory,
not excremental.

* dream *

* that's
the thing to do *

Now that you mention it...

Did i mention it?

The thing to do.

Oh, yeah.

It is now exactly,

By my split-To-The-Second

Solid-Gold wristwatch,
presented to me by...

Our late, great host...

To our late, great host.

A sweet soul adrift
in a sea of sour grapes.

A sea of sour grapes?

Think about it.

...exactly 4:30.

* and the dawn
comes up like thunder *

Time to make decisions.

You're right
about one thing, doctor.

He's a sweet soul.

Oh, my god.
That was...blech!

But your gesture
was magnificent.

It was "blech!"
Because that's not felix.

What do you mean?
Who is it?

No, no, no, no.
Not even who.

Just something
felix walked around in.

But it's important

Because it serves
as a reminder

To those who loved
what he was.

What are we gonna do
with him... it?

I've been thinking.

A burial at sea.


A burial at sea.

I don't like to be
a party poop, doctor,

But i get seasick.


The last of your excremental
bodily functions,

Worthy of "the guinness
book of records."

We shall need a bible.

There's a whole routine

On the sea
giving up its dead.


I don't believe
it specifies.

A viking funeral.


If you'd only
stop fussing...

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Logan's missing.

I hope he's the only one
that's missing.

Here's logan.
Where's webster?

Here's webster.

That's supposed to be

Where's farmer?

This is duncan.

Mr. Van der stock.

Farmer's gone.
We're ruined!

The hell we are.

What are you doing?

Who's to know?

Man: let's move it.

Excuse me, please.
Excuse me.

Come on, now.
Come on. Please.

Atta boy.

I'll open the bar.

He bought her this boat

On their
14th wedding anniversary,

And they sailed her
to catalina.

Sally flew home.

I don't think
felix has been on her

More than once or twice
since then.

No wonder
sally wants a divorce.

Because he bought her
a boat?

Well, he's only
been on her

Once or twice since.

On the boat!

Let's see

If i can get this
son of a bitch started.

In grateful appreciation

From the cast and crew
of "the pagan plunder."

I never saw that one.

Terrible reviews,
grossed a fortune.

What if he catches

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm glad we were able
to work out the deal.

I think you two
will work great together.

It's a great script.

Better be great.

We're paying
the son of a bitch a fortune.



I've got your contracts.

Be at my office at 10:00.

I don't think
i'm gonna be able to sing.

You've got to.

That's why everybody came.

Ladies and gentlemen,

We are gathered here today

To bid farewell to a great man

And a loving friend

Who has given us
some great pictures...

"Cyclone city," "dream angel,"

"Hellbent for texas"...

"Love on a"..

"Love on a pogo stick,"

"Modern rust," "earth rise,"

"Creme de la creme,"

"Tall man from tennessee,"

"Chicken at the wheel,"
"sea dog,"

"Invasion of the pickle people,"

"Odyssey of pain,"

"Pagan plunder,"

And his last and greatest
moving-Picture extravaganza...

"Night wind."

But what greater tribute
than to quote

From the hollywood
motion picture textually?

Can you see that?

"'Night wind' b.O. Hurricane.

"$3-Mil take in 7 cities
labor weekend.

Cap v.P. Blackman
predicts $200 million."

$200 million gross!

$200 million!

Are we not happy for him,
wherever he is?

And now
my dear friend and pupil,

That beautiful, famous,

And extremely talented
movie star

Who's known and loved
and admired

By everyone
all over the whole world,

Known professionally
as miss sally miles,

But who, in real life,
is actually mrs. Felix farmer.

And she will now sing

One of her husband's
favorite songs.

* oh, promise me
that someday you and i *

* will take our love together
to some sky *

* where we can be alone
and faith renew *

* and find the hollows
where those flowers grew *

* those first sweet violets
of early spring *

* which come in whispers,
thrill us both, and sing *

* of love unspeakable
that is to be *

* oh, promise me *

* oh, promise me *

* oh, promise me
that you will take my hand *

* the most unworthy
in this lonely land i ♪

So long, pal.

* and let me sit beside you
in your eyes *

* seeing the vision
of your paradise *

* hearing god's message
while the organ rolls *

* its mighty music
to our very souls *

* no love less perfect *

* than a life with thee *

* oh, promise me *

* oh, promise me *

...captions by vitac... burbank,
pittsburgh, tampa, and washington, d.C.

Captions paid for by
warner bros. Inc.