S.O.B. (1981) Movie Script | Subs like Script

* fare thee well,

fare thee well *

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* for i'm off to lou'siana

for to see my susy anna *

* sing polly wolly doodle

all day *

Ooh!

* polly wolly doodle all,

polly wolly doodle all *

* my sal, she is a maiden fair *

* sing polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* with curly eyes

and laughing hair *

* sing polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* oh, a grasshopper

sittin' on a railroad track *

* sing polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* a-Picking his teeth

with a carpet tack *

* polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* fare thee well,

fare thee well *

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* off to lou'siana

for to see my susy anna *

* sing polly wolly doodle all *

* polly wolly doodle all *

* polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* oh, i went to bed,

but it was no use, sing... *

* polly wolly

doodle all day *

* my feet stuck out like

a chicken's roost, sing... *

* polly wolly doodle

all day *

* fare thee well n'

* la la la la la la la la *

* la la la la *

* polly wolly doodle all day *

* behind the barn

down on my knees *

* sing polly wolly doodle

all the day *

Ah-Choo!

* i thought i heard

a chicken sneeze *

* polly wolly doodle

all the day *

Uh... ahh!

Uhh... ah!

Ooh!

Heh... oh!

Ij' oh...i...sneezed so hard

with the whooping cough *

* sing polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* he sneezed his head and tail

right off *

* polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* for i'm off to lou'siana

for to see my susy anna *

* polly wolly doodle all day *

* sing polly wolly doodle *

* all the day *

* fare thee well n'

Excuse me, mr. Farmer,

But john-John

wants his ball.

Excuse me, sir.

I made some coffee and left

a sweet roll in the oven.

I talked with dr. Alfasa,

and she said

She doesn't think you should

see the children for a while,

Especially john-John...

Till they get used

to the idea.

Felix.

I'm leaving the cadillac.

I won't go!

They're waiting

in the car.

You snap a finger, whistle,

i won't go.

I'll accept that.

How about moving

your pigeon toes

In the direction

of the front door,

And we'll get this show

on the road?

Woman: sandler agency.

Harry sandler.

Yeah.

Did you get felix?

No, i'm calling

your father.

Give him my love.

What? Harry?

I called the bel air house

and palm springs.

I didn't get an answer.

I tried his beach number

And got

some deranged chinaman.

Get felix on the phone.

Tell him to be at

david's office at 11:00.

Right, dick.

You tell him 11:00,

Or it's his ass

and your ass, too, harry.

Got it?

Uh, joyce sends her best.

He wants to know

how you are.

How do i look?

If i told him, he'd have

another heart attack.

She's terrific, harry.

Now stop jerkin' off

and call your client.

Oh, bathing suits.

Kids' bathing suits.

I left a set of keys

on your dresser.

Mr. Farmer's residence.

Harry sandler.

I'm afraid mr. Farmer's

out to lunch, mr. Sandler.

I'm coming!

Girl: bye, daddy!

Daddy! Bye, daddy!

Mommy, why can't daddy

come with us?

Mommy's having

a very bad day.

Man: a fire in downtown

los angeles this morning

Destroyed the oak hotel.

Luckily, no injuries,

But damage is estimated

at $1.5 million.

Now here's tammy taylor

With her exclusive report

from hollywood.

"Night wind" opened

in 800 theaters

To unanimously bad reviews

And, in spite of

a mammoth advertising campaign,

In the first week

has grossed less money

Than any film in the history

of capitol studios.

I have it on good authority

that capitol's president

David blackman is considering

calling in all of the prints.

For christ's sake,

can't somebody find him?

I've been on the phone

all morning.

What about sandler?

I told him it was his ass

if felix wasn't here.

What did the lawyers say?

Cut the film,

he can sue.

Well, then,

what's the answer?

Scare the hell out of him,

then give him your ideas.

Ideas?

It's a piece of shit.

Oh, absolutely.

That's one thing i can do

i'm proud of...

I'm a damn good cutter.

You sure are.

I, uh, ran the film twice

last night.

The cutter agrees with

most of your suggestions.

Yeah, but would he say so

to felix?

I think so.

He's been with felix

for 15 years.

He wants to direct.

Ah! That's all i need...

another director.

Uh, speaking

of directors...

What about culley?

Yeah, what about culley,

for christ's sake?

Shacked up with some

16-Year-Old girl

And a case

of jack daniel's.

Got a 6-Picture deal, pay

or play. What does he care?

I had a lengthy conversation

with him last night.

I told him

that j.G. Was so worried,

He was considering

selling the studio.

Yeah, well, knowing j.G.,

That's not so far-Fetched.

Evidently culley

didn't think so, either.

What do you mean?

Where is he?

Right outside.

All right,

check on sandler.

Send culley in.

Harry sandler.

This is dick...

Gentlemen.

I want to recut

"night wind,"

But felix has

an ironclad contract.

That's never

stopped you before.

No smart-Ass stuff, culley.

J.G. Called six times

last night,

And if we don't do something

damn quick,

All hell's gonna break loose.

Harry! Where the hell

could he be having lunch

At 10:00 in the morning?

I don't think you grasp

The seriousness

of the situation.

All right. Hang up.

Nobody knows where he is.

I want you to get felix

to agree to recut the film.

Tell him you've got

some good ideas.

I want to put out a story

That we're recalling

all the prints

And felix is going to make

some drastic changes.

Get it called in to j.G.

At 6:00.

Give him my regards.

Now, unless you've got

something that can't wait

Until the 3:00 meeting,

thank you.

Hello?

Did i wake you up?

Oh, hi, darling.

No, you didn't wake me up.

It's a wonder.

You really wore me out

last night.

You were fantastic.

You were pretty fantastic

yourself.

Listen, i, uh,

i like your suggestion.

Sam marshall and you

make good chemistry,

And he's right

for the part.

Mm.

What did you say?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Um, that's great.

So i'll see you

tonight, huh?

I miss you.

Yeah.

Bye.

Bye, darling.

You son of a bitch.

Well, he liked

my suggestion.

He thinks you'll be great

for the part.

* you can go to extremes... *

* you can laugh

at your dreams... n'

Hi. Hi.

Ladies.

Oh. What a great car

you have.

Where you headed?

That depends.

Where are you headed?

You're late, ben.

I know that, dear boy.

What's up?

They're all waiting

for you.

That doesn't answer

the question, dear boy.

That's because i'm not

your dear boy, benny.

Man: as soon as we file

for divorce,

It's a matter

of public record.

Polly reed already

has her nose in the wind.

Sally, you could not

have picked a worse time.

As your press agent, i agree,

But it wouldn't be a good time

if "night wind" was a big hit.

Like it or not,

you have an image.

They have newspapers to sell.

Imagine what they're gonna say

After they've finished

all the nice things

They write about you.

You know this town,

sweetie.

You could smoke dope

And end up going steady

with your afghan,

And you're just

one of the gang.

But you,

you're peter pan.

"Night wind" is a fact.

We have to convince people

it wasn't your fault.

Anybody can fail,

even sally miles.

No! That was

felix's responsibility.

You walk out on him now,

And those fans of yours

are gonna hate your guts.

Especially the ones

that criticized you

When you married him.

Those snakes

will be the first.

Not even

a legal separation?

Absolutely not!

Shit, no!

Are you

out of your mind?

Damn.

Sorry.

That water's cold.

Take it easy, ladies,

while i check things out.

Harry?

Felix? Sally?

Anybody home?

* on your back *

* i'm a hustler *

* the way you smoke

that big cigar n'

* to show the world

the man you are *

* i'm a hustler... n'

Good morning.

Aah!Aah!

M' don't try to prove

you'll survive... n'

Culley?

Culley, there was a man

out there with a rat...

This giant rat!

* yeah, i'm a hustler *

* baby, i'm a hustler *

* i get tired of men... *

Good morning.

It's not

such a good idea

To sit in here

with the motor running.

I better turn off

the ignition.

Woman: oh!

Come on. Hurry up.

Take it easy.

Oh, my god!

Sorry.

Culley just called.

Felix tried

to kill himself.

Just thought

you'd like to know.

Culley: i can be reached

at that number

Or this one here.

Okay, fine. I think

that about covers it.

I appreciate the coffee.

Thank you very much.

Nothing, nothing.

Culley? Can i borrow

a bathing suit?

There must be some spares in

the upstairs dressing room.

If i can't find anything,

What are the laws

on nude sunbathing?

I'd have to come back

and arrest you.

Bet i could

talk you out of it.

Bet she could, too.

I may drop by a little later

and check on mr. Farmer.

Yeah, do that.

There are liable to be some

reporters nosing around.

Look,

the only person i know

Who likes reporters

less than i do is the chief.

They stick their noses

in the wrong place,

They get stepped on.

Oh, and tell mr. Farmer

If he ever does a movie

about the cops,

I got enough stories

to fill a steamer trunk.

And none of that "serpico"

crap... the real cops.

See you later,

mr. Culley.

Culley: okay.

Jeez,

i don't believe it!

Traffic's jammed up

all the way to topanga.

Took me an hour and a half

to get here from the studio.

How is he?

Compared to what?

Gary said that felix

drove his car...

I told gary

to tell sally

Not to take an ad out

in variety.

Lila, this is ben.

Ben, lila.

Maybe felix did try

to kill himself,

But it's sally

that's gonna suffer.

I couldn't find

a bathing suit.

Babs, this is ben.

I'd like to nude-Sunbathe,

But i don't wanna

get busted.

Darling,

you already are busted.

Then you think

it's all right?

I think

it's a wonderful idea.

Great!

Here goes nothing.

If that's her idea

of nothing,

Can you imagine

her concept of something?

Culley, you're

a dirty old man.

* oh, moon of monaco *

Hi, doc. How is he?

Hey, ben.

How is he?

Why is it nobody ever asks

how the doctor is first?

Did it ever occur to you

That i could be sicker

than the patient?

Irving, i'm sorry.

Felix will survive,

But for all you know,

imight be terminal.

Thank god

i'm not a surgeon.

Can you wait

until i mix you a drink?

Barely.

Felix is gonna be

all right, isn't he?

He'll be fine,

But i'm not so sure

about you, ben.

You look like 180 pounds

of condemned veal.

Why don't you let me

give you a vitamin shot?

No, none of your shots,

thank you.

Ooh, you never know.

It might help.

Come to think of it,

Why should i give you

a vitamin shot?

I'm the one

with the hangover.

Hi, hon. It's me.

Any messages?

B-12...

I don't wanna talk

to her.

F.Y.I. Only,

i'm at farmer's.

Crude liver...

And a generous jolt

of adrenal cortex

Chased by a bloody mary.

I thought

that was a chaser.

Where would

salk or pasteur be

If they hadn't

taken chances?

I gotta get a story

straight for the press.

Tell them you'll only be

in the hospital

A couple of months.

Oh, fuck off,

will you, irving?!

Now, lila, in order

to inject this properly,

I have to expose

my gluteus maximus.

Want me

to do it for you?

Are you, per chance,

a nurse?

No. I used to be

a junkie.

Would it endanger

your amateur standing

If i asked you to use

a sterilized needle?

You're the doctor.

Oh, that's

the nicest thing

Anyone's said to me

all week.

Hello? Who is this?

Oh, hello, harry.

Culley. Yeah.

No, no, no.

It was just an accident.

Ben: oh, jesus.

It's all over town!

He put it in low

instead of reverse,

Went right through

the garage wall

And ended up in the ocean.

Ben:

tell the world!

Yeah, damn lucky.

No, no, it was just one

of those ridiculous things.

Oh, here he is now.

Oh, felix, thank god!

We got our speech.

Felix, it's harry.

He wants to know

how you're feeling.

No, you didn't try

to take your life.

You hear that, harry?

He said, "i never

felt better in my life."

Ahh!

Sorry.

You know how they can

Blow a thing like this

all out of proportion.

Can you imagine

what would happen

If polly reed

got her hands on this?

Look, we gotta sit down

and get our story straight.

Let me handle it.

Felix,

are you listening to me?

I wanna play it down.

I-I-It was

a freak accident.

Domestic problems?

No way, no way.

Tell the studio

the doctor wants him

To stay in bed

for a day or two.

No, i said ishould stay

in bed for a day or two.

He should go out, play golf,

get some exercise.

I know it's been

a bad couple of days,

And you look awful,

but don't you see?

The sooner we get

this thing settled,

The sooner

you'll get some rest.

Culley: no, harry,

I haven't said

anything to him.

They just pulled him

out of the pacific ocean!

Felix!

Look, either

you come out here

And take care of it

yourself,

Or butt out

and let me handle it.

I promise you, you'll be

the first one to know.

Now, take it easy,

harry. Goodbye.

Ooh, that's

a nervous jew.

This is a nervous jew.

You don't look nervous.

Oh, if you don't

stop it!

Don't get sore. Some of

my best friends are nervous.

Culley, you gotta

go talk to him.

In 10 minutes,

that doorbell is gonna ring,

And all hell is gonna...

See who it is, lila.

Oh, but don't

let them in.

Hmm.

I'd like to see felix.

Felix who?

Farmer.

This is the farmer house,

isn't it?

I'll have to ask.

Wait a minute.

It's a woman.

Gave me the creeps.

Describe her.

Bleached blond,

a lot of makeup.

Oh, it's polly!

It's polly!

She says

she wants to see felix.

What are we

gonna do, culley?

The back door.

Felix?

Yoo-Hoo!

I remember this scene

in "the thing."

There was

this horrible monster

On the other side

of the...

Will you shut up?!

Hi, polly. Hi.

Irving:

amazing coincidence.

I was just

talking about you.

Oh, were you really,

irving?

Hello, culley, ben.

I hear that felix

tried to commit suicide.

You heard that felix...

ha ha ha ha ha.

"Felix tried

to commit suicide."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ridiculous!

Aah!

He fell on her?

They've taken her to

the santa monica hospital.

How the hell

could he fall on her?

He was trying

to hang himself.

How is he?

He's okay.

Polly might have a fractured

pelvis and a broken leg.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

He fell on her!

Let's get

somethin' to eat.

Cute dog.

Heh. Yeah.

Okay, felix.

That a boy.

Felix...

For the last 40 years,

I've lived a life

of dedicated debauchery.

I've consumed enough booze

To destroy

a dozen healthy livers.

I've filled my lungs

with enough nicotine

To poison the entire

population of orange county.

I've indulged

in sexual excesses

That would make caligula

look like a celibate monk.

I have, in fact,

conscientiously,

Day in and day out,

For more years

than you've been

In this best

of all possible worlds,

Tried to kill myself,

And i've never felt better

in my life.

So if you're really

gonna end it all,

I can show you a half dozen

great ways to do it.

What did you give him?

Oh, a pinch of this,

a dash of that...

Sometimes referred to

in the trade

As a "sleeping beauty

boilermaker."

Take no notice

if he begins to levitate.

It's a common

side effect.

Lila: culley!

Culley!

Yeah?

I'm starved.

What do i do

about dinner?

What do you normally do

about dinner?

Eat.

Well, why should tonight

be any different?

And we're out of vodka.

Jesus, irving.

I just opened a new fifth.

Then it's only fair

that i open the next.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah, just a minute.

For you.

This is dr. Finegarten.

Where's culley?

Upstairs.

Oh, god!

Okay, put her through.

Culley, i just got back

from the hospital.

Watch the hole.

How's polly?

Broken arm,

fractured pelvis,

Screamin' her lungs out

at everybody,

Reporters all over

the place... sheesh!

Felix?

What's the matter

with him?

Dr. Finegarten's

magic needle.

Well, i've seen

week-Old corpses

That look healthier.

But not happier.

Felix!

Believe me, mrs. Zuckerman,

there's nothing serious.

Come on, lila.

I'll take you to the market.

Right. Just keep taking

the medicine.

Tomato juice.

And lots of water.

Doc, doc.

Good. Excellent.

And no spicy foods.

No, that's spicy,

mrs. Zuckerman.

In a couple of days,

if it isn't better,

You drop in the office.

Right.

Right. Goodbye,

mrs. Zuckerman.

Dr. Herb, i have got to

talk to felix right now.

Go ahead and talk to him.

He doesn't even know

i'm in the same room!

Oh, well,

if you want answers,

You better wait

about, uh, nine hours.

Nine hours?!

Farmer residence.

Who's calling?

It's david blackman.

Say hello.

Uh, this is ben coogan.

Maybe i could help

mr. Blackman.

Join me in one of these

gentle little pink pills?

It's david blackman.

Don't you understand'?

Cheers.

Uh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir, mr. Blackman.

This is ben coogan.

Yes, sir.

Listen, ben,

i need straight information.

We're getting

all kinds of stories here.

Well, right now,

he's heavily sedated, sir.

Uh, dr. Irving finegarten.

If he doesn't remember me,

mention his first clap.

I'm gonna kill you

one day!

I didn't give it to him.

I cured him.

Yes, sir.

I'm afraid so, sir.

All right.

Keep in touch.

Man".

Hollywood gossip columnist

Was seriously injured today

While visiting the malibu home

of film producer felix farmer.

According to reports,

Mr. Farmer fell

from his second-Story bedroom

And landed on miss reed,

Who was then rushed

to the malibu hospital,

Where she's reported to be

in satisfactory condition...

"Satisfactory," shit!

Farmer was involved

in a bizarre accident...

Hi!

Ohh.

And sank

into the malibu surf.

How do you feel?

How do i feel?

Jesus, willard!

In the 14 years

we've been married,

You've asked some

pretty stupid questions,

But how do i feel really

takes the friggin' cake!

It's just

a hospital-Type question.

Then you're

a hospital-Type moron!

How do i feel?!

Look at me!

I feel marvelous!

I thought maybe after

dinner, we'd go dancing!

Oh, where is

that friggin' nurse?

I dropped by

the farmer's market

And got you some fudge.

I'm surprised

it wasn't a trampoline.

I'm in a lot of pain,

and i want another shot.

I'm sorry, miss reed,

But i can't give you

another shot until 9:00.

That's two hours!

L'm sorry,

but the doctor...

I'm in agony,

and you're sorry?!

You get on the phone

with the doctor right now

And you tell him

I need something

for my pain right now

Because

i'm in agony and...

Aah!

Who are you?

That is

the marquis de sade,

And he has

nothing to say about it,

But you'd damn well

better listen

To what i'm telling you.

I'll see

what i can do.

You do more than just see ,

missy! You do, see?!

Willard...

I feel just terrible.

Ohh.

I just hate being

in this horrible hospital.

It'll be all right,

sweetheart.

No, it won't.

Sure, it will.

No, it won't!

And you're not

making matters any better

Just hanging around here

making me nervous.

I thought that

i might be able to help.

You wanna help?

Run down to malibu.

Drop in on felix.

See what the hell

is going on.

You mean now?

No, next month.

Of course now!

My god.

A simple little favor.

You'd think i was asking

for the friggin' moon.

Do you want me

to telephone you

Or drop back by?

Oh, whatever.

Ciao.

Oh, what a moron.

Well, do i get my shot?

Oh, yes.

Thank heaven. Hurry up,

for christ's sake.

Come on, come on! Jesus!

Aah!

Culley! Culley!

Culley!

Ahh!

I just saw

sam marshall!

Well, how is he?

Do you know him?

Mm:

Oh, my god!

Here he comes!

Hey, culley.

Sam, how are you?

Hey, you living

on the beach now?

No, just visiting.

Hey, well, why don't you

drop by the house?

I'm having

a little birthday party.

Congratulations.

Thank you,

but it's not mine.

Oh? Whose is it?

I don't know, but it's gotta

be somebody's, right?

So you're invited.

I'd like to, but, uh,

hey, i've got an idea.

You know felix farmer,

don't you?

Sure. We're

practically neighbors.

Well, he's kinda

down in the dumps...

Needs cheering up.

Look, if mohammed

can't go to the party,

Then the party

will go to mohammed.

You never know.

It might be his birthday.

Are you having problems,

darling?

Uh, lila, sam.

Sam, lila.

Hello, lila.

Uhh.

Culley!

It's nothing.

She's just a big fan.

Help me get her up.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Come on.

O kay.

See you

on the beach, huh?

Sure. Sure.

You feeling better?

So, what do you do?

I breed armadillos.

You enjoy your work?

Not especially,

But the armadillos

sure get a kick out of it.

Is it profitable?

Only in

the spiritual sense.

A wise man once said,

"make an armadillo smile,

And the world

is your oyster."

At one time, i considered

breeding oysters,

But it just

didn't sound right.

"Make an oyster smile"...

..."and the world

is your armadillo."

You can see the problem.

Mm:

Drink this for me,

will you, please?

Culley,

why haven't you called?

Your line has been busy.

I even had the operator

check it out.

I want to talk to felix

right now.

Upstairs, first bedroom

on the left.

Want a drink?

No, i don't want a drink

till i talk to felix.

Culley,

what's he want here?

He just wants

to talk to felix.

Well, we can't let him

talk to felix.

Go have a scotch

and maalox, will you?

Hello, willard.

Hello, culley.

Hi, ben.

Sam marshall's having

a birthday party,

And we can use someone

of your gender and wit.

How's felix?

Recovering, fortunately.

How's polly?

Recovering,

unfortunately.

Dive in, will you?

Oh, god. Culley!

It's for you.

Hi, mr. Culley.

Gentlemen,

come in, come in.

We thought we'd stop by.

Good. Nothing like a uniform

to keep an orgy organized.

You're kidding.

Oh, bribe you, maybe,

but kid you, never.

Your attention, everyone.

Hey! Hey!

Officers buchwald

and sutherland.

This a bust?

Of course.

But you got six hours

To try

to talk them out of it.

* happy birthday to you *

* happy birthday,

dear somebody *

* happy birthday to you *

Did you find out anything

about sam marshall?

Yeah. He's asking a million

against 10% of the gross,

And that's double what

he got on his last picture.

His last picture

was a big hit.

It wasn't that big.

I don't even

want to talk about it.

O kay.

Look, this picture

is important to me.

You can't expect me to...

David, if you don't want to

talk about it, let's don't.

Woman: telephone,

mr. Blackman.

Thanks.

Yeah?

He's upstairs

under heavy sedation.

That's right.

Well, i'm gonna

stick around for a while

In case

he comes out of it.

What?

Sam marshall's having

a birthday party.

Work on marshall.

Iwant him

for "killing ground,"

But not at a million

against 10%.

All right.

What's the limit?

Half a million

against 5%.

All right.

Great. Great.

Uh, i'll see

what i can do, okay?

Whoo!

* tomorrow morning n'

* i'm changing my appeal *

* into the fast lane n'

* into the sun *

* under the bright lights *

* i play the... *

* tomorrow morning n'

* oh, the start of a new day n'

M' i feel my spirit

wash over me n'

* tomorrow morning... *

Hello?

It's for you, sam.

Yeah.

He gave benson orders

to work on you.

He absolutely won't go

for a million,

But he will settle

for $750.

Uh-Huh.

Uh, look, let me, uh,

Let me give you a call

in the morning.

Yeah, i miss you, too.

Bye.

Mmm:

Ha ha ha!

Whoo-Hoo!

I got it!

Whoo-Hoo!

Sex, culley!

That's the answer!

We'll give them

a $40-Million

Pornographic love epic!

Whoo-Hoo!

He's gone berserk.

He says he knows how to make

"night wind" the biggest grosser

In the history

of the entertainment business,

And he wants to meet you

at the studio right now.

Polly wolly doodle!

Felix, you can't go

to the studio.

What would

david blackman say?

Ahh! Damn it!

What the hell

did you do to me?

Why are you

kissing me?

It could be your one chance

to recoup all the...

Man: ahh!

Oh, my god!

Willard.

I'm so sorry.

Call a doctor!

He's on his way.

I gotta go.

I'll get him.

Why are you going?

Don't go!

Why are you going?

Don't pull on the leg!

Oh! Don't pull on my leg!

Get the goddamn dog

out of here!

Take it easy, benny.

Th e party's over.

* lullaby and good night *

See you

in a couple of days.

Willard: get that goddamn dog

out of here!

Have you seen him?

No.

What is this

all about?

I don't know.

What happened to you?

If i told you,

you wouldn't believe me.

Felix?

Where the hell

is he?

I don't know, but he said

he was gonna be here.

Felix?

Felix.

Felix?

Felix: n' fare thee well n'

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well,

my fairy fay *

* for i'm goin' to lou'siana

for to see my susy anna n'

M' singing polly wolly doodle

all the day n'

What the hell is...

She remembers the song.

What does it mean?

A childhood trauma

buried deep in her unconscious.

Her dying father,

her lying mother,

The final piece of the jigsaw.

She's emancipated.

But we blew it!

We didn't grab 'em!

Why?

Do you know why?

L'll tell you why...

Because dying fathers

and lying mothers

Are a dime a dozen

these days.

Home and family have become

civilization's antiques,

Along with the flag,

sunday school,

Girl-Scout cookies,

c.B. De mille, and virginity.

We gave them virtue.

They want vice.

We sold them schmaltz.

They prefer sadomasochism.

Instead

of the american dream,

It should have been

the american wet dream!

We'll reshoot.

We'll make frigid

businesswoman gillian west

Nymphomaniac executive.

Packard dehibbert,

rugged male chauvinist,

Is really a transvestite.

The dream sequence

will become erotic orgies.

Felix.

It is perfect!

It is a 20th-Century

sodom and gomorrah,

And in the end,

God turns gillian

into saltpeter!

Felix,

for god's sake...

Think of it, david.

Like the phoenix

rising from the ashes,

"Night wind" will become

the greatest moneymaking film

In motion picture

history.

Today,

a $30-Million flop.

Tomorrow, a $40-Million

box-Office champion!

$40?

A month to rewrite.

Another $10 million?

Maybe 11. No more.

You expect me to put up

another $11 million

For what is maybe

the worst piece of crap

That i have

ever seen in...

Crap?!

Now, i'll tell you

what you're gonna do,

And i'll tell you

what you can do...

You're gonna recut

"night wind"

Exactly the way

i tell you to cut it.

Never!

Then, by god, if it's

the last thing i do,

I'll fix it so you never do

another picture in this town

As long as you live!

Ow! Oh, my god!

Get him off the lot!

I'll have you arrested!

You are a maniac!

Go on. Have me arrested.

I still own 150,000 shares

of capitol films,

And next month

at the annual meeting,

We'll let the stockholders

decide who's the maniac.

You think

when the stockholders hear

That you personally cost

the company $30 million...

Me, personally?

It's your film...

a felix farmer production.

And who okayed the script

and budget?

Who's responsible for going

$12 million over budget?

I put a gun to your head,

And said,

"give me another $12 million

Or i'll blow

your brains out"?

You think i wanted to spend

the extra $12 million?

It's your fault

we fell behind schedule!

Then why

didn't you fire me?

He didn't fire you

Because he's a decent

human being, that's why.

Fire me,

he's got no fall guy.

Felix, you're finished.

You're through.

Contract or no contract,

I am going to cut

your picture,

And you can go ahead

and sue.

Go ahead.

Cutting won't help.

If you won't let me

reshoot it, sell it to me.

Blackman:

what did you say?

I'll buy "night wind."

How much do you want?

Benson: he's crazy.

Blackman: yeah, but he's got

the first nickel he ever made.

You serious?

Name your price.

What do you think?

I don't know.

I'm telling you,

he's nuts.

He's not responsible

for what he's saying.

Then we gotta make sure

that we cash the check

Before they lock him up.

We got $30 million,

Plus prints, advertising,

and interest.

I can raise $20 million.

Forget it.

You can tear up

my contract...

Three pictures, pay or play,

plus a gross percentage.

$20 million, your contract,

and your capitol stock.

No, no, no. I'll only buy

if i can reshoot.

My stock will just about

cover that.

Good night, felix.

And don't forget

to turn off the lights.

* fare thee well,

fare thee well n'

* fare thee well,

my fairy fay *

* for i'm goin' to lou'siana

for to see my susy anna... *

$18 million,

contract, and stock.

16.

Get the lawyers.

Whoo-Hoo!

* singin' polly wolly doodle

all the day n'

Ha ha ha!

A major studio executive

told me this morning

That felix farmer paid

capitol studios $35 million

For all rights to "night wind,"

starring his wife sally.

"Smiles," to her close friends,

isn't smiling this morning,

Probably because

Under the california

community-Property law,

Half of that $35 million

is hers.

If felix doesn't make

"night wind" a box-Office hit,

Poor sally

might never smile again.

This is tammy taylor

from hollywood.

This is

tammy taylor from hollywood.

Open your mouth, willard,

And i'll smear krazy glue

on your bedpan!

Hi.

Hey,

what's happenin'?

Sell it. All right.

Then get on the phone to geneva

and dump the gold.

I have to have

another $5 million, bill.

No. No.

Bill, there's no time

to discuss.

I have to be shooting

by september 1.

We're in business.

All right.

Writers, writers.

Who wrote "last tango"?

Beats me.

My god, culley.

Neither one of us knows

who wrote "last tango."

I hated it.

I can never remember

the names of people

That perpetrate

something i hate.

But that's the trouble,

don't you see?

I hated it, too.

In my opinion,

a discretionary judgment.

But we're wrong, culley.

That's what they want.

That's where it's at.

It's been my experience

That every time i think

i know where it's at,

It's usually

somewhere else.

Come on, old son,

you know as well as i do

That if we're gonna

stay in business,

If we are

to remain filmmakers

In any sense of the word,

We must shake off the rusty

shackles of the past,

Observe the present

for what it is

And the future

for what it will become,

Like it or not.

Then we must make

our trade of comment.

Felix, as far as you know,

have i ever lied to you?

Never.

Well, i have,

once or twice...

About nothing

that was too important.

But now the fact

that i have admitted

That on occasion

i have lied to you

Should convince you that

i'm a fairly honest man,

And, when it comes

to the crunch,

That i can handle myself

With an acceptable degree

of integrity.

Now do you agree?

Wholeheartedly.

I'm gonna give it to you

straight, old friend.

You think i'm crazy.

Well, that's a little

straighter than i intended.

Maybe, culley, maybe.

Hey, i tried to kill myself

four times...

Hardly rational.

$16 million-Plus

for a flop,

Every cent i have

in the world...

Not what most people would

consider a very sane act.

But insane, culley?

What if i'm right?

If my vision is valid,

culley, not so crazy,

A more acceptable insanity.

Culley, that's all

besides the point.

Sane and miserable

or insane

And bursting with greater

joy and happiness...

That's the point,

culley.

And in the final analysis,

Who says, "he's sane,

therefore he should,"

Or "he's insane,

therefore he shouldn't"?

Culley, come on.

Even if i'm wrong...

and i'm not...

I'm full of fire,

culley.

I'm a blazing comet.

Comets burn out, pal.

But, ah, my foes,

and, oh, my friends,

It gives a lovely light.

Felix?

Whoo!

I must warn you...

my hands are lethal weapons.

Oh, so's your goddamn

fountain pen!

I'd better be going.

You stay, culley.

You're a witness.

You lunatic! You maniac!

$16 million?!

Felix, half of that money

is mine!

That entitles you

to 50% of the profits!

That entitles me

to have you arrested

For grand theft, larceny,

fraud, embezzlement,

You thieving

filthy son of a bitch!

Sally miles swears!

You're gonna give me

my $8 million,

Or so help me,

i'll have you locked up

For the rest

of your unnatural life!

Give me my money, felix!

Give it to me,

or i will kill you!

Sally miles kills!

Oh!

Oh, shit!

Sally miles says "shit"!

Whoo-Hoo!

It's $100 million

at the box office!

$200 million!

Ha ha! Peter pan is dead!

Long live gillian west,

nymphomaniac executive!

Ha ha ha ha!

Not since edison,

not since griffith,

Not since jolson!

We'll make

motion-Picture history!

Ah! A cinematic monument

to man's immorality,

A celluloid prophecy

of the holocaust to come,

For if god spared

not the angels that sinned,

But cast them down to hell

And delivered them

into chains of darkness

To reserve them for judgment,

and spared not the old world,

But saved noah,

The eighth person,

a preacher of righteousness,

Bringing the flood

upon the world of the ungodly.

Aah!

Oh, god!

Ij' oh...i...sneezed so hard

with the whooping cough *

* sing polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* he sneezed his head and tail

right off *

* polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* for i'm off to lou'siana

for to see my susy anna *

* polly wolly doodle all day *

* sing polly wolly doodle *

* all the day *

* fare thee well n'

I broke you,

and i can make you.

It's rotten,

but it's a revelation.

We fail that we may succeed.

Now, we keep the basic set.

It's still a dream,

But now a freudian nightmare

of erotic symbolism.

Seduced in a nursery,

but not voluntarily,

Not the victim

of her own insatiable lust,

As she always feared,

but the victim

Of a powerful aphrodisiac

slipped in her bosco.

New lyrics, bob,

prurient but profound.

Felix,

it's not that easy.

Gino, new choreography.

The animals are out.

Somehow, i don't think

bestiality makes it musically.

But, felix, it's

such a different concept.

A different concept for

a different world, gino.

Costumes, agnes.

Agnes,

what about the costumes?

Well, it depends.

I mean, how erotic

do you really want to go?

Go, go.

E-R-O-T-I-C. Go, go, go!

Sally miles,

america's g-Rated darling,

In the b-U-F-F?

Why not?

Felix, darling,

some of her fans

Still don't think

she goes to the bathroom.

If you want to dramatize

the evils of prostitution,

Corrupt a virgin,

not a whore.

Wait. Just let me

readjust my sights.

15 years of nuns' habits

And tu rtleneck

bathing suits,

And now... whoo?

Agnes, remember

your first academy award...

Garbo talks?

Yes, she talked, but she

went to the bathroom, too.

You can do it, agnes.

I know you can.

Agnes...

Okay. I can do it.

That's my girl!

What i do now?

Kitchen no work.

Fridge broke.

Who fix the fridge?

We get a fridge fixer.

Fix the fridge.

Then we get an eye and ear

and nose and throat fixer

And have him

cut out your tongue.

Felix had absolutely

no right to do that.

Gary said

in any court of law...

Sally, with all

due respect to gary,

He's very bright, but he's

your personal secretary,

Not you r lawyer.

You mean felix can spend

every single cent...

No. Legally, you can

take him to court.

You can get an injunction

for your half of the money,

But the press is going

to have a field day.

Do you really want to go

through something like that?

No, but i don't want to

lose $8 million, either.

Sally, suppose the things

that felix wants you to do

Make sense

in today's market.

Would you consider

doing the film?

You mean forget the money?

No, i don't mean

forget the money.

Of course not

forget the money.

But for the sake

of this discussion,

Would you, if it wasn't

for just a cheap effect...

Would you consider

doing a nude scene

Or getting raped

Or whatever the hell it is

he wants you to do?

Well, if it wasn't

for cheap effect...

I don't know.

What do you think?

You're my agent.

Well, dear, if i thought

it was a real ballsy part

And the audience

would believe you in it,

I certainly would

have to consider it.

But you're the first one

To preach my audience

to me, and my image.

Darling, i'm the last

person in the world

Who would want to monkey

around with your image.

But if i was certain...

If i was absolutely

dead positive...

That you couldn't miss,

And incidentally,

turn a flop into a success...

Sally, creative judgments

are not my department,

But i think you've got

A few very important things

to consider

Before you jump into

an $8-Million lawsuit.

Sally: now, let me see

if i can get this straight.

I can sue, but at best,

it would be expensive,

It would cause

a lot of bad publicity,

And there's more

than a little chance

That i would lose.

On the other hand,

i can do the film,

And please, god,

felix is right

And it's a success,

Then i would get

my $3 million back

Plus half the profits.

That's the least

you would get.

Oh, i think

we can guarantee you

A deal better than that.

Let's say

100% of the profits.

I mean, what the hell

is felix gonna do?

I don't know

about any of this.

Look, you just go ahead

And make the best deal

you possibly can, okay?

Then you'll do

the picture?

What choice do i have?

I'll get the car.

All right, clive.

You know,

i'm really surprised

That miss miles

decided not to sue.

I was talking

to a lawyer friend of mine

The other night,

And he thought miss miles

had an excellent case.

She'd have no trouble at all

If she decided to sue

mr. Farmer.

Okay. Why don't you

suggest to miss miles

That she discharge me

And get your friend

to represent her?

He also mentioned

That your firm represents

capitol films.

That must make it

very hard

For you

to remain impartial.

Are you suggesting

That i might be inclined to

favor capitol's interests?

Yes.

Uh, herb.

Gary. It is gary,

isn't it?

Yes, yes.

Uh, tell me.

Have you suggested any

of these things to sally?

Not yet. I wanted to know

What you had to say

about it.

Oh. Well, what if i said,

gary, that i thought

You were much too bright

a young man

To just be

a personal secretary?

I'd say i agree with you.

I think you'd make

a hell of an agent.

I think i'd make

a better producer.

Now, i'm giving a little

party friday night.

David blackman

will be there.

Oh, i'd enjoy meeting

mr. Blackman.

I'm sure you would.

All right. 8:00.

Dress casual.

Mr. Blackman's office.

Man: give me blackman!

Yes. One minute, please.

Yeah.

Woman:

overseas from mr. Metzig.

Hello, j.G.?

Yes, j.G.

Yes, i've seen it.

The newsweek article.

Yeah. Yes, j.G.

Yes, it is getting

a lot of publicity.

Well, why should i

get into it?

It's not our picture

anymore.

No, i told you.

Outright. Everything.

You approved it.

My god.

That illiterate asshole

Thinks if sally miles

does a nude scene,

"Night wind"

could be a hit.

He says we should at least

Make a distribution deal

with felix.

Yeah.

What if he's

already made a deal

With another company?

Right.

I want to get a look

at that new script.

It's not going to be easy.

Just get it, all right?

When he starts shooting,

I want you

on that sound stage.

What if it's a closed set?

I told you i just

want something done!

Done!

Just get on that set

and give me a report.

I may want to look

at his dailies, okay?

Right.

Come on. It's okay.

Anybody got a blanket?

Man: hey, that's a good blanket.

Hey, you wreck that blanket,

you're gonna buy me a new one.

Taylor: burgess webster

is best remembered

For his outstanding performance

as uncle fudd

In "mississippi mud."

This morning on stage 15

at capitol studio,

The entire company

Of felix farmer's

controversial new film,

"Night wind,"

Observed a minute of silence

in memory of the famous actor.

Speaking of "night wind,"

rumor has it that today,

Movie history will be made

when sally miles,

The silver screen's symbol

of sweetness, sinlessness,

And sobriety,

proves once and for all

That peter pan

really is a girl.

Yes, sir, believe it or not,

America's g-Rated sweetheart

in an x-Rated nude scene.

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* fare thee well n'

No!

Cut it.

You call that fast?

Is that what you call fast?

Get the lead out, i say.

Jesus!

I could have made better time

in a covered wagon!

$10 a mile, you can't even

use the siren!

I'm telling you,

if i'm late for this,

I'm gonna have

a few things to say

About your rotten service

in my next column!

Come on, let's go!

Come on!

Where do you think

you're goin'?

We're on our way to lourdes.

Where the hell

do you think we're going?

You gotta have a pass.

Do you know who i am?

Yeah. You're somebody

who's makin' a big mistake

If you think you're gonna

get on this stage

Without a pass.

It's no use.

I can't do it.

I thought i could,

but i just cannot.

Culley: sally...

No, culley.

Sweetheart,

will you please...

No, felix. No, no, no.

There is no way

in god's earth

That i am gonna

bare my... ha!...

Out there on that stage.

I thought i could.

You can, you can.

My mind says yes,

but my body says no.

I know what it means

to the film.

I know it means that

i'm not being a trouper

And things like that,

but it's out of my hands.

I'm helpless.

Sally, we'll clear everybody

off the sound stage.

We'll set the lights,

turn the camera,

Everybody will leave.

What about the guy

in the jack-In-The-Box?

We'll blindfold him!

Nobody will see.

My public will see!

My children will see!

It will be r-Rated.

They won't even

let them in!

But they'll know!

Don't you care if they know?

God, felix, they're

your children, too.

Sophia loren has children.

I hear

she's a wonderful mother.

She would never do anything

to hurt her children,

And god knows

the public has seen her...

Oh, i know.

Glenda jackson.

A fantastic mother.

Vanessa redgrave.

You'll never find

a better mother.

Somebody

who's not english.

Ben: jane fonda.

Shirley maclaine.

Liv ullmann!

Liv ullmann?

I think so.

Liv ullmann.

I don't think there's

anything in this contract...

I want to know

where we stand legally.

He can't hire

outside security,

But he can close

the stage.

He must at all times

comply with the existing...

Wait a minute!

Morning, richard.

How's the old prostate?

Oh, god.

Wait a minute. Shit.

Don't you move me,

you clods!

Now, you listen to me,

You penny-Ante, pea-Brain,

junior g-Man.

If you know

what's good for you,

You better get on that phone

and tell mr. Big shot farmer

That i said he better

let me on that stage

Or i'll crucify him

in 150 newspapers

Every day for the rest

of his useless life!

Hello, polly.

Irving!

You look like

an anemic turtle.

You're gonna let

that shyster on?!

I could sue you

for calling me that, polly.

A shyster

is a disreputable lawyer.

I'm a quack.

You better tell felix

i'm out here!

David! David.

This maniac insulted me

And physically prevented me

From going

through that door.

Okay. I'm david blackman.

I run this studio,

And i'm ordering you

off the lot.

Now, are you gonna move,

or am i gonna move you?

You'd be making

a serious mistake,

Mr. Blackman.

What's your name?

Harrigan, harold p.

All right,

mr. Harrigan, harold b.,

I'm going to remember you.

I'm going back to my office.

If you're not off this lot

by the time i get there,

You'll never work again

in this town

As long as you live!

David, david!

Wait a minute.

What about me?

Just relax, polly.

Don't go anywhere.

I'll be back.

Do you know

what that meant, huh?

That's your ass!

Aah!

Dick, what are you

fooling around for?

Get him off the street.

Ow!

Oh, that stings!

It takes approximately

25 seconds

For a shot to travel

from stern to stem.

Of course, the time can vary

two or three seconds

According to the heart rate,

height of the patient,

And the amount

of gluten. Muscle

Into which it was injected.

Also, there's the matter

of drug potency

To be considered.

You should be

feeling it about, uh, now.

Oh?

Unh-Unh.

Mm-Hmm.

Ahh.

I suggest you sit

until you get your sea legs.

Can she work?

Is batman a transvestite?

Who knows?

I was specifically requested

to alleviate her anxiety.

Work was never mentioned.

Irving, she's got

a very big scene to do!

I'm gonna show

my boobies.

What do you think,

irving?

You've seen my boobies.

Are they worth showing?

Well, since i can

only render an evaluation

Based on

a completely impersonal,

Purely professional

examination of the subject...

Uh, subjects...

i would have to say

That in my humble opinion,

You've got a terrific

pair of knockers.

Hey!

Well...let's get

this show on the road.

Set them up!

Clear the stage!

No, no, no.

You don't mind?

No, no, no, no.

Oh! Easy, gal, easy.

Oh, you've got

some fast moves

For an old john, culley.

You okay?

Terrific.

You know, you are

sexually notorious.

Semifraudulent reputation,

Which i do everything

i can to encourage.

Why?

Because it's the best way

for an old man to compete

In a young man's world.

Hey, terrific.

Hang in there, culley.

Mickey. Get them ready.

Hi, mickey.

Hi.

I certainly am, right?

You certainly are.

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well,

my fairy fay m'

* oh, i went to... *

Are you sure you're okay?

Terrific.

* sing polly wolly doodle *

* all the day *

Ooh.

Is she gonna be

all right?

Well, it depends on what

you mean by "all right."

I once cured an amateur

skydiver of acrophobia.

Now, you could say

he was all right

Because

he was able to jump.

But he was not all right

because he was so stoned,

He neglected

to open his parachute.

You know, irving,

you're a real twat.

Oh, that reminds me.

Polly's outside.

Polly?

Reed.

Outside?

Trying to get inside.

Oh, my god.

* there are

only five bullets *

* in my old six-Shooter *

* 'cause

i had to say goodbye *

* to mona s.?

Sally, we'll pick it up

where you enter

The devil's mouth, okay?

O kay.

Don't blame the guard.

He was just doing his job.

I left

explicit instructions...

Nobody to pass

without a pass.

Did you leave

explicit instructions

That he was

supposed to insult me?!

Polly,

there's a red light on.

There's a red light.

I can't see.

Pick me up.

Gently, gently.

* singing polly wolly

doodle all... *

Polly: sally!

Man: quiet!

Oh, hi, polly.

Come to see my boobies?

Okay, you dirty rat.

Roll them.

All right.

Quiet now on a bell.

And...roll, please.

Speed.

Playback.

* fare thee well n'

Oh!

Man: atta girl, sally!

Bravo!

B rava!

Aah!

Hello?

Man:

let me talk to david.

It's for you.

This is j.G.

I'm still waiting.

Yeah.

Yes, j.G. I was

just going to call you...

Yes, j.G.,

We're working on it.

Well, please, just relax.

We're going to get it.

I promise you,

we're going to get it,

And we're going to get it

Before

the stockholders' meeting.

Yes. I guarantee it.

Right.

How's the weather? Great.

Enjoy.

Chairman of the board

of one of the biggest

Grocery chains

in the whole country,

And all he can think about

is the movies.

Driving me crazy.

Hello, eva?

Got anything?

Yes, gary talked to her.

When was the last time

you talked to gary?

Well, i talked to him

tuesday.

Is she going to sign

or isn't she?

'Cause if she doesn't,

it's my ass.

Da... pffftt!

David, stop worrying

about it.

Yes, sweetie, i promise you.

I promise you

that she's going to do it.

Yes, darling.

Bye, sweetie.

Snake.

Chinese new year,

everybody go san francisco.

Not everybody, kiddo.

I no go san francisco.

Missy farmer

no go san francisco.

You no go san francisco.

Because missy farmer

have a party friday night.

Friday chinese new year!

Hello?

I chinese!

That's what you say.

Danny kaye cooks better

chinese food than you do.

You don't even

play ping-Pong.

You probably

had your eyes fixed.

Kung fu's galloping gourmet

is off his litchi nut again.

Look, i told you,

Something like this

cannot be rushed.

One way or another,

you'll be the first to know.

If i swing it, she'll

probably call you herself.

Thanks, gary.

What?

You look a little tired.

I suppose i am, a bit.

The studio called.

You don't have to be

in makeup until 10:00.

Good.

I have been working

rather hard.

Not to mention

the emotional strain.

Well, felix says

There's nothing

to worry about.

Mm-Hmm.

Well, i hope he's right,

for your sake.

You don't think

he's right, do you?

If it were your film...

All your money...

Would you do it all

yourself?

I mean, distribute it

and advertise it...

The whole thing?

No.

Why not?

Well, because i'm,

by nature,

A very cautious person.

I'd want absolutely

the best protection

I could get for my money,

Especially if it were

all my money.

I'll tell you one thing

i'd do for sure.

I'd try and get good advice.

I'd pick up the phone

And i'd call somebody

who knows the business,

Somebody i can trust,

Like your agent.

You're late.

I wasn't sure.

But you came.

After all

we've been through,

You still want me?

Not bad, felix.

What... out!

Out! You're

not allowed in here!

Nobody sees my movie

without my permission.

Your movie, felix?

My movie, every frame,

in an ironbound contract

That proves it,

which very clearly states

I have absolute,

complete control.

An hour ago,

Your wife signed

a distribution contract.

Distribution contract

for what?

"Night wind."

What?

When i need your help,

culley...

My wife? Culley!

My wife

can't sign anything.

According to a superior

court judge, she can.

She has a right

to protect her investment,

Particularly since she didn't

agree to the investment.

You're getting off easy.

If she wanted to,

She could have you

arrested for embezzlement.

Aah!

There's judas!

Ow!

Get him out of here!

Pack up his office

and get him off this lot.

You've got

one hour to do it!

Don't press

your luck, david.

Felix: they stole

my film!

He broke

my fuckin' nose.

I'm gonna sue the bastard.

Get his nose to a doctor.

Call the lab

and don't let that lunatic

Within a mile

of that negative!

Have you got

a handkerchief?

Yes.

You're

the cutter?

Yes, sir.

Ralph himmler.

What's the running time,

ralph?

163 minutes.

That's too long.

Okay, let's see

what we've got

And what we can lose.

They stole my film!

They stole!

You philistines!

Don't go off

half-Cocked!

You stole my film!

Felix!

I'll steal your car.

Felix, see a lawyer,

for god's sake.

Shit!

10 mary 28, in pursuit

of a black clinnay,

Personalized plate,

"cap exec."

No!

Jezebel!

Where is she?

Rangoon,

daddy, daddy!

Rangoon?

Hands up.

Rangoon?!

John-John,

gimme that.

Which rangoon?

She's gone see a swami

or somethin'.

Give me that.

She's gonna need

more than a swami!

Don't shoot!

Man: stop!

Hold it!

He hit my motorcycle!

Let's go.

6l41, advise all units.

Possible suspect

from black clinnay

Now driving

white rolls-Royce.

Hey!

Ta-Da.

* da da da da da *

It's me.

Harrigan, harold p.

Oh, harrigan,

harrigan, yes.

I just started here today,

Thanks to mr. Culley's

recommendation.

Culley.

Good old culley.

Somethin' wrong,

mr. Farmer?

No, no, no, no.

I'm just late

for a very important date.

Oh, like

alice in wonderland.

What?

The march hare.

It's good

to see you again, harry.

Ah, mr. Farmer.

The studio just called,

and i'm afrai-I-I...

I'm a desperate man,

mr. Lipschitz.

If every reel

of my negative

Is not in this office

in 10 minutes,

I'm gonna

blow your brains out.

Please, mr. Farmer,

don't shoot.

Just do what i tell you

and nobody gets hurt.

Harrigan,

just stay where you are.

Get out of the way.

He's crazy.

I'll shoot, harrigan.

For god's sake, harrigan,

get out of the way!

Mr. Farmer,

give me that gun.

I'm gonna shoot!

He's gonna shoot!

You really

don't want to do that.

Yes, i do!

Yes, he does.

You're fired, harrigan.

Come on.

You don't understand!

That's my film!

It's his film!

They took away

my film!

They took away

his film!

Aah!

I'm sorry, mr. Farmer.

It's all right, harrigan.

This could mean

another $10 million

At the box office.

Frank sinatra:

* when somebody loves you *

* it's no good

unless she loves you... *

Grazie, signore.

What did you play?

Sinatra...

$6 worth of sinatra.

Bullshit.

Bullshit?

Bullshit!

I mean, s.O.B.

Standard

operational bullshit.

They kill the poor

sweet son of a bitch,

And then they give him

a send-Off

Like he's

some kind of a saint.

And she's gonna sing,

for christ's sake.

She knifes him in the back,

And then

she's gonna sing to him?

It's bullshit, culley.

Probably.

Well, it's not funny.

No, i guess it's not.

Well, maybe it should be.

You want to step outside?

Who are you talking to?

Culley.

Well, you're looking

between us.

Well, maybe,

but you know who i mean.

Culley, how about it?

You want to step outside?

Nope.

Come on.

I want to fight you.

What for?

You know i can lick you.

Well, right, that's why.

I'm so damn ashamed

Of so many things

i've done

And i didn't do

and i should have

And i didn't

and i did 'em anyway.

Darling...

I want culley to beat

the shit out of me

So i can feel better.

But brother sinner,

Even though

i completely understand

Your need for purgation...

Do you?

I mean, do you really?

There isn't a man among us

with half a conscience

Who doesn't keep

a hair shirt

As a permanent part

of his wardrobe.

What does that mean?

Well...

Can you explain it

to him, culley?

It's not easy.

There are so few people

in this town

With a conscience.

Well, i'll tell you

one thing.

I got a postcard

from lila and babs.

I am not going

to that bullshit funeral.

It's hycop...

Hypocritical.

Well,

it's bullshit! Huh?

What is your disposition

regarding the funeral,

Brother culley?

I vote with brother ben.

So what's the alternative?

We don't go.

Ah, not good enough.

Felix deserves better

than they're gonna give him,

And it's up to us

to see that he gets it.

Therefore, i propose

that we give him

The undeceitful,

openhearted last honors

Which are his due.

L 'chaim.

Whatever that means.

You stay in the car.

Who stay in the car?

Him stay in the car.

I don't want to stay

in the car.

We've got to be

sly and stealthy,

And you're too pissed!

I can be just as ty

and slealthyas you can!

It's rise or fall

together, culley.

It's the three

muscatels.

Let's go.

I'll be with you

in a minute.

You can always do that.

I gotta...

How are we gonna get in?

We'll knock on the door

and tell them you're dead.

That's not funny.

What if there's

a burglar alarm?

Ben, stand guard,

will you?

Man".

She was accompanied

By professor

krishna mansak hasari,

And when questioned

by reporters,

The actress refused to comment

on her husband's tragic death.

Services for felix farmer

are scheduled for tomorrow

On stage 15 at capitol studios.

A family spokesman said today

That a record turnout

is expected

To pay final tribute

to the late producer

Who was shot by police

While he was trying to steal

the negatives

From the controversial film

"night wind" on tuesday.

It is ironic...

Ahh!

Ben, come on.

Come on.

Aah!

Culley.

Burgess webster.

You'd think after

all that time on a beach,

He'd have

a little more color.

Damn good actor.

You know,

it's not fair.

Felix gets stage 15,

Burgess winds up

in potter's field.

At least

they ought to give him

Additional dying credits.

You've got

a wicked witty mouth.

Better to kiss

your funny bone with.

Bingo.

Good night,

sweet prince.

Why don't we put burgess

in felix's box?

Oh, brilliant! Culley,

when this is all over,

I'm gonna ask you

to marry me.

I'd cheat on you.

Just so long

as you don't tell anybody.

Ben!

What is that?

Sounds like someone

left a faucet running.

I'm peeing.

Into what?

My pants!

Well, as long

as you're not obliged

To hit anything,

Pee your way over here

and give us a hand.

I'm gonna go wait

in the car.

Just hang onto felix

Until we get burgess

straightened out.

You got him?

Yeah. He doesn't have

any shoes on!

He's through walking.

In order

to make this thing work,

We have to get somebody else

into burgess' box.

Genius. Hopefully,

they'll be so busy

Trying to locate

the missing stiff,

They won't notice

the old switcheroo.

Are you still peeing?

No, but now i've gotta...

Clench.

Draw u p.

Think about being sodomized

by a bull elephant.

You get the head

this time.

Don't you have

any respect for the dead?!

Shh! Shh.

We can raise our rates

after this one.

Mm-Hmm.

We'll bring out

a whole new catalog.

And we'll use

the farmer funeral

As a centerfold.

Done.

Okay. All right.

Ready?

Yeah.

Get the door, ben.

What's the matter

with you?

I got stomach cramps.

Gas.

Get the door, ben.

And the seat.

Get the seat.

In you go, baby.

He won't bend.

He'll bend, he'll bend.

You just gotta force him.

Look, i'll push down.

You pull on his ankles.

Come on, pull, ben.

That's it.

Oh, boy.

He'd be less conspicuous

if his eyes were open.

He'd be less conspicuous

If he was back in his box.

Hey.

She left some glasses.

Irving: oh ho ho. Genius.

Ben: oh, my god.

All right.

Get in the back with him.

Why me?

Because you smell like

a boiler-Room urinal,

And felix is the only one

who doesn't mind.

And it will look better

if he has company.

It would be incommodious

If we got stopped

for a traffic violation.

What the hell's wrong,

culley?

How do i know?

Ahh!

Oh, man. Ben, ben.

Culley.

Ben.

Ben, ben.

Put your arm

around him.

Culley: it stalled.

Happens occasionally.

Act nonchalant.

Talk to him.

Read any good books

lately?

Nod his head.

I think it's flooded.

It will have to sit

for a minute.

Okay. Let's go.

How's your heart?

"Nod his head."

I could...

You had to do something.

I did do something.

I shit my pants.

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well, my fairy fay *

* for i'm goin' to lou'siana

for to see my susy anna *

* singin' polly wolly doodle

all the day *

* fare thee well n'

* fare thee well,

my fairy... i ♪

They do this

all the time in ireland.

They never heard of

"polly wolly doodle"

In ireland.

I mean a wake.

Awake...

Or asleep.

* perchance to dream *

* when you're

feelin' blue *

Oh, i'm sorry.

Ben! Do you realize

in a matter of a few hours,

You have demonstrated

Most of your excremental

bodily functions?

I haven't sneezed.

A sneeze is expiatory,

not excremental.

* dream *

* that's

the thing to do *

Now that you mention it...

Did i mention it?

The thing to do.

Oh, yeah.

It is now exactly,

By my split-To-The-Second

accurate

Solid-Gold wristwatch,

presented to me by...

Our late, great host...

To our late, great host.

A sweet soul adrift

in a sea of sour grapes.

A sea of sour grapes?

Think about it.

...exactly 4:30.

* and the dawn

comes up like thunder *

Time to make decisions.

You're right

about one thing, doctor.

He's a sweet soul.

Oh, my god.

That was...blech!

But your gesture

was magnificent.

It was "blech!"

Because that's not felix.

What do you mean?

Who is it?

No, no, no, no.

Not even who.

Just something

felix walked around in.

But it's important

Because it serves

as a reminder

To those who loved

what he was.

What are we gonna do

with him... it?

I've been thinking.

A burial at sea.

Beautiful.

A burial at sea.

I don't like to be

a party poop, doctor,

But i get seasick.

Aha!

The last of your excremental

bodily functions,

Worthy of "the guinness

book of records."

We shall need a bible.

There's a whole routine

On the sea

giving up its dead.

When?

I don't believe

it specifies.

A viking funeral.

Aw.

If you'd only

stop fussing...

Oh, my god.

Logan's missing.

I hope he's the only one

that's missing.

Here's logan.

Where's webster?

Here's webster.

That's supposed to be

farmer.

Where's farmer?

This is duncan.

Mr. Van der stock.

Farmer's gone.

We're ruined!

The hell we are.

What are you doing?

Who's to know?

Man: let's move it.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

Come on, now.

Come on. Please.

Atta boy.

I'll open the bar.

He bought her this boat

On their

14th wedding anniversary,

And they sailed her

to catalina.

Sally flew home.

I don't think

felix has been on her

More than once or twice

since then.

No wonder

sally wants a divorce.

Because he bought her

a boat?

Well, he's only

been on her

Once or twice since.

On the boat!

Let's see

If i can get this

son of a bitch started.

In grateful appreciation

From the cast and crew

of "the pagan plunder."

I never saw that one.

Terrible reviews,

grossed a fortune.

What if he catches

something?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm glad we were able

to work out the deal.

I think you two

will work great together.

It's a great script.

Better be great.

We're paying

the son of a bitch a fortune.

Mm-Hmm.

Gary...

I've got your contracts.

Be at my office at 10:00.

I don't think

i'm gonna be able to sing.

You've got to.

That's why everybody came.

Ladies and gentlemen,

We are gathered here today

To bid farewell to a great man

And a loving friend

Who has given us

some great pictures...

"Cyclone city," "dream angel,"

"Hellbent for texas"...

"Love on a"..

"Love on a pogo stick,"

"Modern rust," "earth rise,"

"Creme de la creme,"

"Tall man from tennessee,"

"Chicken at the wheel,"

"sea dog,"

"Invasion of the pickle people,"

"Odyssey of pain,"

"Pagan plunder,"

And his last and greatest

moving-Picture extravaganza...

"Night wind."

But what greater tribute

than to quote

From the hollywood

motion picture textually?

Can you see that?

"'Night wind' b.O. Hurricane.

"$3-Mil take in 7 cities

labor weekend.

Cap v.P. Blackman

predicts $200 million."

$200 million gross!

$200 million!

Are we not happy for him,

wherever he is?

And now

my dear friend and pupil,

That beautiful, famous,

And extremely talented

movie star

Who's known and loved

and admired

By everyone

all over the whole world,

Known professionally

as miss sally miles,

But who, in real life,

is actually mrs. Felix farmer.

And she will now sing

One of her husband's

favorite songs.

* oh, promise me

that someday you and i *

* will take our love together

to some sky *

* where we can be alone

and faith renew *

* and find the hollows

where those flowers grew *

* those first sweet violets

of early spring *

* which come in whispers,

thrill us both, and sing *

* of love unspeakable

that is to be *

* oh, promise me *

* oh, promise me

that you will take my hand *

* the most unworthy

in this lonely land i ♪

So long, pal.

* and let me sit beside you

in your eyes *

* seeing the vision

of your paradise *

* hearing god's message

while the organ rolls *

* its mighty music

to our very souls *

* no love less perfect *

* than a life with thee *

* oh, promise me *

...captions by vitac... burbank,

pittsburgh, tampa, and washington, d.C.

Captions paid for by

warner bros. Inc.

S.O.B. (1981) - full transcript