S.F.W. (1994) Movie Script | Subs like Script

SPAB:

Some people might think

the moral of my story is,

"In this fucked-up world,

"even a simple thing

like buying a six-pack

"can be harmful

to your health."

But I don't know about that.

What I do know is that

instead of getting our beer,

Joe and me got some

fucked-up terrorists

sticking a video camera in

our faces for 36 days and

36 nights.

What we didn't know

was that everybody in

America was watching.

[DOOR CLOSING]

[TV TURNS ON]

Hi there. Cliff Spab,

as seen on TV.

I'm Wendy Pfister.

Welcome to our humble home.

Come on in, take a seat.

We got apple pie in the oven,

and me and Joe are playing

crazy eights.

Hey, we can deal

you in if you want.

I like go fish.

SPAB: Wendy,

what's for dinner?

Um, there's some

Casa Blanca, um,

red-hot bean and

beef burritos and...

[SPAB COUGHS]

And some Pringles,

some cupcakes and

a bag of gumnuts and...

No, you ate the

last bag of gumnuts.

[SPAB COUGHING]

No, I didn't.

You ate the

last bag of gumnuts.

No, I didn't, Joe!

All right, you two,

cut it out!

No, I didn't!

You fucking bitch,

you ate the last bag

of fucking gumnuts!

I'm not

a fucking bitch,

I'm sick of you calling me

a fucking bitch!

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy!

I'm sick of it!

Let the dog in. Joe,

you take out the trash!

Fuck the dog!

Fuck the trash!

No more backtalk

from you, young man,

or you can

forget dessert!

Jesus Christ!

When I was a young boy,

I wouldn't even think

of talking the way

you kids do.

This is my house.

Hey, since when

is this your house?

This just isn't my house,

it's my own fucking country!

I think

I want an exit visa.

Yeah, well,

so fucking what, Wendy?

I'm sorry.

Wendy.

Spab.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Wendy.

Spab.

Hey, Wendy, Spab?

How about another beer?

[CLEARS THROAT]

That's the last one, Joe.

Well, we'll just

have to get some more, then.

No, I mean, really,

that's the last one.

Fuck.

Guess it's showtime!

How you boys doing?

JOE: How are they

ever doing?

WENDY: Joe.

Get that fucking camera

off me! Get the fuck off!

SPAB: Yeah,

get it over here,

man, right here!

I got a treat for you boys.

This is for the folks

back home!

You ready to see

my really photogenic side?

Well, here it is.

JOE: Give me the gun!

Motherfucker!

[JESUS CHRIST POSEPLAYING]

♪ And you stare at me

♪ In your Jesus Christ pose

♪ Arms held out

♪ Like you've been

carrying a load

♪ And you swear to me

♪ You don't want to be

my slave

♪ But you're staring at me

♪ Like I

♪ Like I need to be saved

♪ Saved

♪ Like I need to be saved

♪ Saved

♪ In your Jesus Christ pose

MALE NEWSCASTER: The Fun Stop

hostage crisis is over.

For 36 days,

American television

was forced to broadcast

uncensored video tapes

of five individuals

held by a terrorist group,

Split Image.

If the uncensored tapes

weren't aired, all five

hostages would die.

A threat Split Image

made good

with the

brutal killings of

Kim Martin and Milt Morris.

And so, every night

on prime-time television,

we watched with agonized

fascination as the hostages,

five ordinary Americans,

were transformed from

convenience-store shoppers

into national heroes.

What the ultimate goal of

Split Image was, we may

never know.

Any further insight

may have to await

the recovery

of the young man we came

to know so well, Cliff Spab.

At this moment,

young Mr. Spab

is in a tightly guarded

hospital room,

recovering from

the bullet wound

he suffered

while risking his own life

to save the only other

surviving hostage,

Wendy Pfister.

We hope to

have Cliff as our guest

as soon as his health permits.

How are you, Cliff?

How the hell

does he look?

Listen, kid,

you think you're up

to a press conference?

Cliff, the President

wants to give you a medal.

The President.We're talking big time.

At the White House.

Yes, sir, we finally

hit the jackpot!

In the Rose Garden.

Look, kid, all that stuff

I said about you being

a loser?

Well, forget it.

Cliff, your father has

something very exciting

he wants to tell you.

Go ahead, Bob, tell him.

Well, Son, it's just that

your mom and me, we...

Just spit it out, Bob!

They're making

a TV movie all about you.

The Cliff Spab Story,

just the way it happened.

Actually, they're making

three TV movies.

But our version

is the authorized one.

The real McCoy.

And check this out.

I know how you feel.

You don't have to talk

if you don't want to.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Sometimes it feels

better to talk about it.

Of course, sometimes,

it feels better not

to talk about it.

Agent Parsley.

FBI.

You might have fooled

the rest of the world,

but you don't fool me.

I'm betting you were

in on this little stunt.

You're nothing but

a foul-mouthed, lazy,

good-for-nothing,

little prick hoodlum.

And the world would best be

rid of you.

The dark side

of the Pepsi generation.

That is you, all the way.

They're offering you

$1 million.

We're talking seven figures.

That is a lot of money.

We loved the way

you handled yourself

on that TV special.

Very smooth.

He doesn't know

about the TV special.

You don't know

about the TV special?

Cliff, you had

your own TV special.

Don't worry about it, Cliff.

You were sensational!

The best!

Highest TVQ ever.

Better than a real star.

The Cliff Spab Special.

It got a 30 share.

Even better than

The Wendy Special.

Ultimately, it's

really up to me.

I haven't really

found anybody

that can really help me out.

It's hard,

because I don't think

people really understand

what I'm all about.

You think there'll be a time

when you will want to look

to the future,

and you will want

to start to look,

see if things are gonna be

brighter for you?

I really don't know.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Hello?

[PHONE CLICKS]

[CLANGING]

WENDY:

Don't touch me!

[SCREAMING]

What are you doing?

Leave me alone! Help!

[YELLING]

Just take the money!

You don't have to hurt him!

Fuck you,

you fucking fuckheads!

Hey, Clifford!

[SIGHS]

How you doing, guy?

Rocking!

And there's more

where that came from, bro.

Best news I've had.

Let's get outta here. Yeah, let's go.

I want you to call me

if you need to talk.

And Cliff,

watch your language. Yeah.

Who the hell is that?

Beats the fuck out of me.

Hey, Scott, great shirt.

[REPORTERS YELLING]

REPORTER 1:

Have you spoken to Wendy?

REPORTER 2:

How is Wendy?

[ALL TALKING]

She took my beer.

REPORTER 3:

How are you feeling?

Cliff, can you tell us

how your family feels?

How do you feel?

I don't know.

[ALL LAUGHING]

James, let's motor!

[SIGHS]

Ah, fuck!

What's the deal, man?

What the fuck

is going on here?

Well, get used to it.

These assholes

been dogging us for weeks.

You're a fucking hero now.

What the fuck's that thing?

Does that thing open up

over there?

Yeah, that's

a fucking bar, man.

Oh, in-fucking-credible,

baby!

Got your coffee.

Ah!

Listen, Clifford,

there's gonna be some

people back at the house.

Some kind of reception

kinda shit.

Ah! Limousine, Primo beer.

Can't beat it.

Hey, Scott. Yeah?

Let's go to The Boy.

James?

BOTH: To The Boy!

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, Spab,

we saw you on TV, man.

You were great!

STAN: Really fucking cool!

Stan, hi.

Hey, anything you guys want,

on the house, right?

Hey, yo,

check it out!

No shit, 36 cents?

That's kind of cheap, Stan.

It's symbolic, okay? 36.

36 days in the Fun Stop.

[WHISTLING]

Pretty fucking clever, Stan.

Well, I just came to

pick up my paycheck.

STAN:

Oh, sure thing, Cliff.

I guess you were

a little busy, huh?

Ooh! Lookie here.

Where's Joe, Stan?

Well, you're

Worker of the Month.

Well, I think Joe should

be up here, too, don't you?

Yeah, well, Joe's dead.

All right,

we gotta go, Cliff.

Where the fuck is Joe, Stan?

You know he should

fucking be up there.

You know that.

No can do.

Hey, Stan,

you still spitting in

the burgers in this joint?

Very funny.

You were always a joker.

Hey, welcome back, Spab!

[ALL CHEERING]

I'm Wendy Pfister. I'm 17.

I live in Ozell Park

with my mom.

And I go to Ozell Park High.

I just want

my wife to know

I'm fine.

These people

don't frighten me.

They are nothing.

Nothing.

My name is Kim Martin.

I was

working in this Fun Stop

when these people rushed in.

I live in Royal Oak.

I have a...

I have a husband and a son.

If you can hear me,

I love you so much.

Just keep on praying that

this will all be over

really soon.

Get that

fucking camera off me.

GUNMAN:

Say something.

Get him

the fuck outta here.

Hi, my name

is Rick Forsythe.

I live in Silver Pond

with my parents,

George and

Edna Forsythe,

and my sister, Suzanne.

I'm president

of the debate team

and captain

of my baseball team

over at Silver Pond High.

I have a dog named Rusty.

And my hobbies

include coin collecting

and dry-fucking cheerleaders.

He's here!

[ALL CHEERING]

You staying there?

Come on, I'll get you up here.

Let's go, let's go!

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[YELLING]

[ALL CHEERING]

On behalf of the city

of Madison Heights,

I proclaim today,

Cliff Spab day!

[CROWD CHEERING]

And I'm pleased as punch

to present you with the key

to our

magnificent metropolis.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

Who the fuck are you?

[CROWD LAUGHS]

I'm the mayor.

Right.

Wow, thank you.

It's a mighty big

fucking key, huh?

[CROWD WHOOPING]

Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab.

Have you seen Wendy Pfister?

No, I haven't.

Can you

describe the events

that led to your freedom?

No, I can't.

You saved her life.

Are you in love with her?

Ah, that's none of

your business now,

sweetheart, is it?

MALE REPORTER:

Any comment on the

death of Joe Dice?

Every one of you assholes

get the fuck out of here now!

Get these people off

my goddamn porch, huh.

Jesus!

What do we got here?

Mr... Whoa!

Tomorrow morning

you get your ass

down to my office.

We're gonna

have a little chat about

your Split Image friends.

They weren't my friends.

Would you get your

fucking hands off me?

Back off, guy, huh?

MRS. SPAB: Cliff?

Cliff, come in here.

One, two, three.

ALL:

Welcome home, Clifford!

Cliff, your aunt Jessica,

Derrick and Sylvie drove

in from upstate,

and your uncle Jerry and

cousin Dave, they took

the bus.

All right. Hey, there,

hi, how are you doing?

Wow.

MRS. SPAB: Cliff?

MR. SPAB: Cliff.

MRS. SPAB:

Clifford, honey,

I cleaned your room.

What the hell

happened here?

Mom.

Fuck this shit!

Give me a beer, Scott.

Oh, baby.

Mmm!

So what are you gonna do now?

Sing a song.

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down the road

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down the road

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down

♪ Walking down the road

That sucks, man.

Yeah, you're right.

I've been craving this

for so fucking long, man.

[SHOUTING]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH SHOUTING]

[SCREAMING]

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Turn that damn thing down!

[MUSIC STOPS PLAYING]

You guys

out of your

fucking minds?

Uh...

Yeah.

You're a real

comedian, Cliff.

Well, I don't think

this is very funny.

I do.

Now you listen to me, Cliff.

There's a lot of money

at stake here.

I don't care if you

fuck up your own life,

but don't you fuck it

up for your mom and me.

She's gonna be really pissed

when she sees what you've

done to this room.

Dad, I just want to

know one thing, okay?

Who invited

the fucking marching band?

You watch your mouth!

Your mom and I are embarrassed

as hell about the language

you used on TV.

Yeah, I bet you'd have

been really embarrassed

if they blew my head off, huh?

Yeah?

Well, you ain't

leaving this house

until you give

a press conference.

Oh, gee, Dad.

Well, I think I know how

to stay in confined areas

for long periods of time, guy.

Shut up, Scott!

You little twerp.

A press conference will not

kill you.

Well, Joe thought

running into the Fun Stop

to buy some beer wouldn't

kill him either, Dad.

Don't fuck with me, Cliff.

And clean up

this fucking room.

Home sweet home.

SPAB: Hey, Wendy.

WENDY: Spab.

Wendy.

Spab.

Wendy.

Spab.

Let's sing a duet,

shall we?

[SPAB HUMMING]

♪ As long as

we got each other

[HUMMING]

♪ We got the world

spinnin' right in our hands

♪ Baby, you and me

♪ We gotta be

♪ The luckiest dreamers

BOTH:

♪ Who never quit dreamin'

♪ As long as

we keep on givin'

♪ We can take anything

that comes our way

♪ Baby, rain or shine

♪ All the time

♪ We got each other

♪ Sharing the laughter

and love ♪

Come here.

[CRYING]

I want to go home.

SPAB:

What's the deal?

MONICA:

What do you think

the deal is, Spab?

Do you want

to take a bath?

Fuck you, Spab.

My brother's dead

and all you can say is,

"You want to take a bath?"

Monica, I'm coming over.

Spab, you asshole.

[PHONE CLICKING]

SPAB:

I was a year old

when Joe was born.

And for the next 19 years,

we lived next door

to each other in

Madison Heights.

Went to the same schools,

worked at the same

goddamn Burger Boy.

Spent countless hours

drinking Bullseye

and getting fucked up

on cheap pot.

And now Joe's dead.

What a fucking waste.

I've gone nuts, Monica.

I mean, I thought

it was crazy in there.

But out here...

Out here

it's fucking insane.

Yeah, so?

Fuck being

drunk or stoned.

In that goddamn store,

we were nuts.

Even Wendy?

Yeah, even Wendy,

she was nuts.

So, did you fuck her?

Who? Who, Wendy?

[LAUGHING]

Wendy Pfister?

I didn't even know

the girl, you know,

before all this shit

went down.

She was

just in the wrong place

at the wrong time, you know.

Oh, you're good, Spab,

you're really good.

I'd say I know you,

but every now and then

you leave me guessing.

Did Joe fuck her?

Well, what

do you think?

Spab, you asshole,

you like her, don't you?

Christ, I can tell.

What have you got

against Wendy Pfister?

I mean, she's

a really nice girl.

Oh, I don't know, maybe

her little Miss Teen USA act.

Monica, you could do exactly

what she's doing and

get away with it,

and never feel guilty

about it if you wanted to.

Maybe, but who'd want to?

Monica, you fucking taco,

I know you.

Take your bath, Spab.

You need one.

WENDY: No!

MAN: No!

[GUN FIRING]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

What's the deal, Monica?

What do you think

the deal is?

All right,

come on in.

MONICA:

It's pretty pathetic, huh?

Yeah, you ought

to see my room.

Fuck your room!

You ain't dead.

[MONICA CRYING]

They forgot about Joe

the minute

they had you to honor

and praise and interview.

Oh, yeah,

well, like they won't

forget about me, Monica.

I'm not saying

it's your fault, Spab.

I'm just saying they were

never all that interested

in Joe, anyway.

Joe wasn't funny enough.

Joe wasn't interesting enough.

He never came up with

all the good lines

you did.

Don't you get it, Spab?

You were the guy

that everybody wanted

to know everything about.

Not my brother.

Well, fuck everybody.

Yeah, well,

tell them that,

and it's just another

fucking headline.

Oh, God, I'm drunk.

What time is it, anyway?

I don't know. 1:30?

Yeah.

Oh, God, Spab, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

I've been drunk since May 2nd.

It's no big deal.

Yeah.

But you know me.

I'm usually in control.

Monica?

What's the deal?

Oh, Jesus, Spab!

You fucking asshole.

♪ When I was a teenage whore

♪ My mother asked me

♪ She said, baby, what more?

♪ I give you plenty

What do you want more?

♪ Baby, why are you

a teenage whore?

♪ I said, I feel so all alone

♪ And I wish I could die

♪ See the things

you put me through

♪ And I

♪ I wish I could die

♪ When I was a teenage whore

♪ The rain came down

like it never did before

♪ I pay good money

not to be ignored

♪ Then why am I

a teenage whore?

♪ I've seen your repulsion

and it looks

♪ Real good on you

♪ Tonight I want

to put you through

♪ What you put me through

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

So, how long are

you gonna be gone?

Well, you know me, honey.

Rocking and rolling,

taking care of business,

sweet thing.

Yup, I know

what you mean.

Kind of running with life,

your back to the wind.

Yeah, yeah,

you know what I'm saying.

I know it, I know it. Yeah.

And don't call me

"sweet thing,"

you fucking asshole.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Thanks for the lift.

Is that what you call it?

Here, this might

help out some.

Whoa! You didn't have to

do that.

Ever heard of

Friends of the Hostages?

People we don't even know have

been sending us money for

weeks now.

Call if you want more.

What if I don't want more,

but I want to call?

Like I said,

call if you want more.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Good luck being nobody!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[HUMMING MELODY]

Holy shit, man,

it's Spab!

Oh, shit!

Hey, Spab, I'm not a fuckup.

I just play one in real life.

Whoa! Hey,

what's the deal, guys?

Hey, you want to

puff this fatty, man?

Um, thank you, boys.

JOHNNY: Oh, wow!

Fucking Spab,

fucking psychedelic!

Wow, man, I'm Al.

I'm Al, this is Johnny!

Cliff.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You look fatter on TV, man.

[LAUGHING]

I can't believe

I'm standing here,

talking to Cliff Spab!

[LAUGHING]

Well, ask him something!

Like what, man?

I don't know,

ask him about his arm.

What happened to his arm?

Oh, he got shot, you dufus.

Fuck! In the arm?

No, no,

in the shoulder, man.

JOHNNY:

Well, did it hurt?

Yeah, it fucking hurt.

Yeah.

Oh, man,

that must've sucked.

[LAUGHING]

So, how's Joe, man?

Oh, wow!

Fuck, man.

I'm sorry, man.

I forgot,

Joe's dead, bro!

I'm sorry.

It's all right, man.

[GRUNTS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah.

[HORN HONKING]

Whoa! Well,

that's my ride.

Where you going?

[LAUGHING]

Well, well, well. If it

isn't Rick fucking Forsythe.

Hey, Morrow,

you fucking asshole.

How's the cheerleaders, Rick?

[GRUNTING]

Hey, Spab,

you coming back?

Never.

Ah, kids today,

let me tell you.

[WHISTLING]

Onward!

♪ You make me sick

[SNICKERING]

Shit, that was Spab.

Shit, man,

he took our joint!

You have our joint!

BOTH: Whoo! Whoo!

I rolled that!

I rolled it myself!

[SHOUTING]

Yeah!

Who was that,

your fan club?

Ah, that was Joe and me

three years ago, man.

So how does it

feel to be famous?

Oh, it feels angry, man.

[BOTH LAUGH]

MALE TV HOST:

Ladies and gentlemen,

the curiosity about Cliff Spab

throughout the country

has been overwhelming.

He's now bordering

on cult status.

Uh, hang on.

Yes, ma'am, right here.

What's Cliff Spab

really like?

Exactly like

he was on those tapes.

God! Reality programming

gives reality a bad

fucking name.

HOST: ...followed this case.

What do you think?

He's a lazy, foul-mouthed,

uneducated drug addict.

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]

[LAUGHING]

This guy's funny.

Wendy, you met Cliff Spab

at the Fun Stop.

He's from working-class

Madison Heights.

You're from the

wealthy suburb

of Ozell Park.

Bottom line, you and Cliff

are very different people,

aren't you?

In what ways?

I really don't think

we're all that different.

[LAUGHING]

Wendy looks good!

Mmm-hmm.

I'd do her.

But you're

perceived differently.

Well, that's what this is

all about anyway, isn't it?

Perceptions.

I mean, I don't think people

know Spab any more than they

know me.

Did you fuck her?

I mean, with the handcuffs

and everything?

All right, shut the fuck up,

Morrow.

WENDY: They may think

they know the two of us,

but they don't

know us at all.

HOST: Okay, Wendy,

I gotta ask you this.

Where is Cliff Spab?

I know! I know! I know! Here!

HOST: Indeed, all of

America is wondering,

where is Cliff Spab?

Where can he be?

Is he on the road or

has foul play befallen him?

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Hang on. Hang on.

If I was Wendy

and I knew where Spab is,

I would never tell anybody.

Wendy?

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Initially no network

would air the hostage tapes.

But after

the cold-blooded

executions of hostages

Kim Martin and Milt Morris,

the networks had no choice.

And all over the world,

every night,

Cliff Spab and Wendy Pfister

became part of our lives.

Thursday, June 17th.

Viewer discretion is advised.

[DISTORTED VOICE]

[BEEPING]

KIM:

Will you cut it out?

I can't take it anymore!

GUNWOMAN:

All right, listen up.

There've been

some developments.

We're gonna let one of you go.

All right! I just want

to say, on my own behalf,

how great

it's been hanging out

with you guys. Wonderful.

GUNWOMAN: Who wants to

let this guy go?

Sit down...

[BEEPING]

SPAB:

Watch the language, please!

MAN:

Why don't you let her go?

GUNWOMAN:

How many for her?

SPAB:

Get her out of here, man.

[CRYING]

Oh, thank God!

KIM: I'll pray for you.

I'll pray for

all of you guys.

[SOBBING]

Yeah, we're gonna

miss you, Kim!

It ain't gonna be

the same without you!

[GUN FIRING]

[CRYING]

Let's get out of here, man.

Crestridge?

What are you taking me

here for, man?

I don't want

to see anybody.

[CREEPPLAYING]

♪ When you were here before

Don't worry, guy,

your 15 minutes

are almost up.

♪ Couldn't look you in the eye

♪ You're just like an angel

♪ Your skin makes me cry

Morrow, what's the deal?

♪ You float like a feather

What's the deal?

♪ In a beautiful world

You mean,

what am I sure of?

The one thing I'm sure of

is that everything is unsure.

Uh-huh.

♪ You're so fuckin' special

♪ But I'm a creep

♪ I'm a weirdo

♪ What the hell

am I doing here

♪ I don't belong here

♪ I don't care if it hurts

♪ I want to have control

♪ I want a perfect body

♪ I want a perfect soul

♪ I want you to notice

♪ When I'm not around

♪ You're so fuckin' special

♪ I wish I was special

♪ But I'm a creep

♪ I'm a weirdo

♪ What the hell

am I doing here

♪ I don't belong here

♪ Oh, oh

♪ She's

♪ Running out again

MAN: Fuck you!

[SIGHS]

What's the point

of saying anything?

You know how it is, man.

It's the same old

fucking shit.

So...

I'm stuck in this,

this Fun Stop.

So fucking what?

So I'm bored as shit.

So fucking what?

So I don't know

what the fuck's going on.

So fucking what?

So I might die in here.

So fucking what?

So I haven't had

a decent shower and food

in way too fucking...

Yeah.

So fucking what?

How is this different

from anything else

that's happened in my life?

I mean, God, when I was...

When I was in high school,

fucking up big time,

everybody was

always giving me shit.

All I ever said was,

"So fucking what?"

When I was at The Boy,

the goddamn Boy,

making minimum,

after working there

for three years, man...

All I ever said was,

"So fucking what?"

Jesus Christ!

That's all you gotta do, man.

It's all everybody's

gotta do,

is just say,

"So fucking what?"

It works wonders.

Trust me.

I know.

So go ahead.

Go ahead, Mr. Cameraman.

Everybody out there,

say it along with me,

"So fucking what?"

You must think you're real

fucking funny, don't you?

[GRUNTING] What the fuck are you doing?

Just wait.

Just wait for me

in the fucking car!

I don't want

to wait for you.

Wait for me in the fuck...

Get outta here!

Hey, guy, do me a favor?

Would you hold onto this

for me?

What the fuck

are you doing, man?

You think that guy

broke your fucking window?

So you take his fucking gun?

What are you, a fucking idiot?

Fuck you!

Don't give me "fuck you"?

Fuck you, man.

[LAUGHING]

Spab, Spab, Spab.

Just because you're

a big fucking hero

does not mean

you know jack shit

about the real world.

You know what? What?

Take me to the bus depot and

don't be laughing at me,

you prick!

MALE NEWSCASTER:

We interrupt to bring

you a special news bulletin.

Reports are in that

Cliff Spab has been sighted

at the Crestridge Mall

in Madison Heights.

According to FBI agent,

Gerald Parsley,

the hunt for Spab

is being confined to

the Madison Heights area.

Agent Parsley

had this to say.

PARSLEY:

Mr. Spab is being

sought for questioning.

We believe he has been,

and still is,

involved with certain

subversive activities.

[LAUGHING]

This fucking guy!

We know he has not

left the immediate area

and a search of his most

likely destinations is

now in progress.

MRS. SPAB:

Cliff, this is your mother.

We want you to come home.

We love you.

[TURNS OFF RADIO]

Fuck!

Sandy!

[SIGHS]

Come check this out, Spab.

Sandy's drunk again!

God damn it,

I hate that shit!

Come here, man.

Help me, help me take

her to the bathroom, man.

Grab her legs.

Come on. Come on.

Morrow, let's get the fuck

out of here, all right?

[GRUNTING]

Come on,

just help me take

her to the bathroom.

♪ Sandy, Sandy, Sandy

♪ How I love you, Sandy

Ah, hey.

Hey, rise and shine,

darling.

Oh, God.

No, it's Morrow, honey.

Get your fucking

hands off of me.

And who's that?

Him? He's Fred Nietzsche.

Get your fucking hands

off of me!

Get up, come on,

you gotta be careful,

a woman in your condition.

Fuck you, Morrow!

[SIGHS]

Mrs. Pfister,

I really need to

talk to Wendy, okay?

MRS. PFISTER: Cliff, look,

I realize you've both

been through a lot,

but I just don't think

it's a good idea

for you and Wendy to

see each other anymore.

I've told Wendy this, too.

Hello?

Mrs. Pfister?

I'm sorry, Cliff.

[DIAL TONE]

MORROW:

Hey, guy,

bring us another bottle

of that shit champagne!

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

MORROW: Hey, guy,

listen to this.

Do I have to?

Suppose, one night,

instead of going down

to the local Fun Stop

with your

two best friends

to buy some beer,

you go out with a woman

named Sandy Hooten.

Yeah, I remember.

Then, suppose,

while your two best friends

are being taken hostage

by some insane freaks,

you make love to the

aforementioned Sandy Hooten,

who tells you

she's on the pill

so you don't have to use

a latex prophylactic device.

Morrow, shut up.

Yeah, please, Morrow...

And further suppose,

after a few weeks go by,

the aforementioned

Sandy Hooten returns...

[DISTORTED VOICE]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

MORROW:

It's $300 to be exact.

You fucking liar,

you gave me $228.

And finally...

Finish the fucking

story already. Jesus.

Your two aforementioned

best friends are still

being held hostage

by the aforementioned

insane freaks

in the aforementioned

Fun Stop.

You hop over to see

the aforementioned

mother of your child.

And you happen

to discover that

she was on the pill!

She never got pregnant.

She only needed the

aforementioned 300 bucks

to buy this cheap-ass,

shit-fucking wine,

because she's

a fucking drunk!

[SCREAMS]

What the fuck are you doing?

Give me the gun.

Back off, cowboy!

I can't believe this.

Now you're fucking

pointing a gun at me.

Stand up, honey.

Stand up, stand up, Sandy!

Stand up!

[CRYING]

Sandy, I love you.

You're Spab!

Yeah, well...

No, no, really, I love you.

I've seen all your tapes.

Uh, this is...

No, this is an honor,

is what it is.

No.

I'll be honest

with you, Cliff.

You, you know, and

your philosophy and stuff?

You helped me through

some pretty tough times.

I wish you could help him.

Let's get out of here

before I puke!

All right.

Shine on, little diamond.

Bye, Sandy.

Hey, Spab.

Yeah?

So fucking what?

[LAUGHING]

So fucking what?

Why are we still in here?

How long have we

been in here anyway?

You're not gonna tell me.

Fuck you!

Fuck you, you pussy.

You want to shoot somebody?

Shoot me.

Go ahead.

You got the camera,

you got the gun. Do it.

You know you'll run out

of hostages, you're fucked!

You know that?

You see,

that's the difference

between you assholes and me.

You're afraid of dying.

I'm not.

I'm not afraid to die.

So, fucking do it!

I am fucking daring you

to shoot me in the head!

Fucking do it!

You think I give a fuck?

I don't give a fuck!

I could give two shits!

Fucking kill me!

Shoot me in the fucking head,

you fuck!

You sorry-ass,

cock-sucking motherfucker!

[GASPS]

[SPITS]

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

Fuck you.

[LIKE SUICIDEPLAYING]

♪ Bit down on a bullet now

♪ I had a taste so sour

♪ I had to think

of something sweet

♪ Love's like suicide

♪ Safe outside

my gilded cage

♪ With an ounce of pain

♪ I wield a ton of rage

♪ Just like suicide

Oh, shit, Morrow,

come on in.

So, what did you do now,

little brother?

[SIGHS] Janet,

I'd like you to meet Spab.

Spab, this is my sister.

SPAB: No kidding?

Hey, I'm splitting.

I've had it with

this two-bit town.

Spab, I want you

to tell her everything.

And don't leave nothing out.

Janet here is

a goddamn lawyer.

Janet, could you take care

of this for me, please?

[SIGHS]

And, guy, remember,

the best

you can expect is

to avoid the worst.

Spab.

Present.

As in, the Spab?

Yeah, afraid so.

Well, well, well.

Morrow never told me

he had a

sister.

Morrow never told me

he had a Spab.

MALE TV HOST: Wendy Pfister,

the courageous young woman

we came to care about

so deeply,

has been through more

in the last several months

than most of us will

experience in a lifetime.

But through it all she

has retained her dignity,

refusing to be

reduced to the level

of her mysterious captors.

And when she emerged

from her terrible ordeal,

she found herself

strengthened.

She discovered an iron will

and a newfound sensitivity

to the needs of others.

In short,

Wendy Pfister

has been transformed

from a typical

American teenager

into a genuine

American heroine.

Tonight, for the first time,

we'll get to spend an hour

with Wendy,

in the privacy

of her own home.

What about Cliff Spab?

What are your impressions

of him?

Her hair is terrible.

I think she looks good.

Really?

I've been really careful

with what I say about Spab.

Why?

Because people

don't understand him.

And you have to know him

to really know what he's

all about.

Would you like

to see Spab again?

Could you be friends?

I think we still are friends.

Sure, I'd like to know

how he's doing.

You don't spend

that much time

with somebody

and not find out

practically everything

about each other's lives.

I really miss him.

He saved my life.

That girl

is cracking up.

I personally don't think

she's getting very

good advice.

Really?

And what advice

would you give her?

Well,

first of all,

I would tell her to relax.

And then I would advise her

to have some fun.

And then I would tell her

to laugh

all the way to the bank.

Well, here it is.

Wow!

Okay, I'm going to commit

a little felony here.

How's your

pitching arm, Spab?

[SNIFFLING]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Who are you,

Clifford Spab?

Uh, just some

greasy-ass white boy

from the northeast suburbs.

Hello!

Well, it's sure been

an interesting night.

The night's still young,

and so are you.

[LAUGHS]

If you need

a place to lay low,

I'll protect your privacy.

Thank you.

But when you're ready,

I'll be ready with you.

Oh, that's great.

Ready, um...

Ready for what?

Well, I mean,

one of these days you're

gonna want to get your

life back

and you may have to

sue some people to get it.

Well, they can all

just fuck themselves.

[LAUGHS]

Well, we all would

like that, Spab,

but experience has

taught me that people

just don't up

and fuck themselves.

They need somebody else

to fuck them.

Mmm-hmm.

And that's why

God created lawyers...

Huh.

...like me.

And that's why Morrow

brought you here.

This was Morrow's idea?

I mean,

you guys are gonna

split the profits, right?

Actually we'll only

split 50%.

The other 50 goes to you.

Oh, right.

[SIGHS]

Where are you going?

Come on, Spab,

it's a total spinout.

You need to take control.

[WHISTLING]

Spab, I'm willing

to negotiate.

You little fucker!

Shit.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CAR APPROACHING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

EARL: It is Spab!

[LAUGHING]

DOLLY: Is it Spab?

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Hey...

[LAUGHS]

Fucking Spab!

Fucking A, man!

I'll tell you

something, Spab.

You sure as hell

said some shit that

needed fucking said!

Well, thank you, Dolly. Heard that!

Thank you, Earl.

I'm just saying, and

this is just me saying it,

but I just think that

you said a whole lot

of shit

that a lot of people

in this country think about,

but don't have the

fucking guts to

say out loud.

I'm gonna go

even further and say

they don't even have the

fucking guts to think

about it.

[EARL WHOOPING]

Heard that!

Hey, give me a hit.

[ALL SINGING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

SPAB: Where'd that joint go?

Where'd that joint go?

Oh, thank you, honey.

Thank you.

I want to ask you

something, baby.

Did you

ever think you were

gonna bite it back there?

Well, let me put it

this way, sweetheart.

EARL:

I heard that.

Heard that.

What it boils down to,

is that I'm a survivor, okay?

Amen. That's what it is.

And anybody who thinks I'm

gonna live fast and

die young, Earl,

well, they don't know me now,

do they?

[LAUGHING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[DOLLY SCREAMING]

MALE ANNOUNCER:

We interrupt this program

to bring you a special report.

The Madison Heights Police

have issued

an All Points Bulletin

for the arrest of

Cliff Spab.

Spab is wanted for

assault and battery

on a local teenager

at the Crestridge Mall.

If you have any information

as to Cliff Spab's

whereabouts,

please contact

the Madison Heights

police department immediately.

Now back to our

regular programs.

Fucking liars! Fuck 'em,

fucking, fucking liars!

Don't sweat it, Spab.

We got it covered.

Whoa!

There ain't no fucking way

they're getting you

without a fight, baby.

Okay, Earl, Earl, let's just

put the gun down, okay, buddy?

Let's just put it over there.

We don't need to go this

far now, do we, guys?

DOLLY: Spab, man,

forget about it.

Forget about it,

all right?

You showed us the way.

You opened the door. Earl?

I say

the motherfucking

Madison Heights pigs

shouldn't be allowed to

get away with this kind

of shit, man.

[DOLLY LAUGHING]

I say there's no way

that our Spab

should be treated

with this kind of disrespect.

[LAUGHING]

DOLLY: Spab,

you're a fucking hero.

You saved

Wendy Pfister's life.

I say

fuck kinder-gentler,

that's what else I say.

♪ It's payback time in America

♪ God shed his grace on thee

Motherfucker.

♪ And crown thy good

ALL: ♪ With brotherhood

♪ From sea to shining sea

[CAR BACKFIRES]

[ALL CONTINUE SINGING]

EARL:

How the hell

is it my fault?

You were driving

the whole damn time.

Exactly.

So why the fuck should I be

paying attention to shit

like that?

You're supposed to

be the copilot, Earl.

EARL:

So, watching

the gas thing

is the copilot's

responsibility now, huh?

DOLLY:

Yeah, you know it. Give me a fuckin' break.

You know it.

I got to be dealing with...

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

SPAB: Everyone

wanted a piece of me.

The only problem was,

there wasn't enough

of me to go around.

I guess Janet was right.

I mean, this whole thing

was like a circle

spinning out of control.

First, you get sucked in,

then you get spun out.

I was somewhere between

getting sucked and

getting spun.

Actually, the whole

thing sucked.

If Joe was alive,

he'd be laughing his ass off

and telling everyone

to fuck off at the same time.

Joe was never subtle.

Me, I had no idea

what I was gonna do.

The only thing I knew for sure

was that road trips aren't all

they're cracked up to be.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Hi there.

How may I help you?

Well, Pamela,

I'd like a room.

The only thing

available tonight is a suite.

Fine, that'll be just fine.

All right.

And your name?

Robert Plant.

SPAB: Hi there.

Cliff Spab

for Bayer Aspirin.

Wendy Pfister,

which do you think

Joe Dice will prefer?

Microwave stuffing or

your potatoes lyonnaise?

Oh, Joe would

definitely prefer

the potatoes lyonnaise.

They're his favorite.

Well, then, Joe,

which is it gonna be?

Wait, what are

my choices again?

Wendy's stuffing.

WENDY: Or Wendy's

potatoes lyonnaise.

I definitely prefer

Wendy's[BEEP] .

WENDY: Ooh.

Joe Dice, a man so mean

he shot a guy

for snoring too loud.

[BEEP]

Hi there! Hi there!

Do you know me?

I like shopping so much,

I've been in the same[BEEP]

store, for Christ knows

how long.

That's why I carry the

American Express card.

And if

you go shopping

in Madison Heights,

don't forget your Visa card

and don't forget your

ammunition.

All right.

[BEEP]

I got one more thing to say.

Remember this.

I'm not a hostage.

I just play one on TV.

Atta boy!

That's Remington!

♪ Jesus Christ pose

♪ Arms held out

♪ Like it's

the coming of the Lord

♪ And would it pay you more

to walk on water

♪ Than to wear

a crown of thorns ♪

WOMAN:

...coming from?

MAN:

What kind of signal is it?

Is it music?

Don't know that yet.

WOMAN:

So damn what?

MALE NARRATOR: Held hostage

in a convenience store for

36 days.

So what's the point

of talking?

Yeah, you said it.

So damn what?

MALE NARRATOR: He was black.

So damn what?

She was white.

It has a totally

cool sound to it, Cliff.

They were as different

as night and day.

Everybody out

there in TV Land,

say it with me, so damn what?

You say it, Wendy.

So damn what?

Gary Coleman

and Dori Smelling

star in,So Damn What.

The television event

of the decade.

MAN:

You're at Comedy Central.

Okay, he's standing

way up in this building.

[SIREN WAILING]

And he shot himself

right smack in the head.

Pow!

[POLICE RADIO CHATTERING]

And he, like,

fell right into

this parking lot

like, crunch!

And...

Man, I never...

I... You know,

his final words,

man, I ain't never

gonna forget them, goes,

"So[BEEP] what?"

I mean,

the thought of that just

sends chills right down

to my spine.

WOMAN: Okay,

now, this is still

an unconfirmed report.

Authorities in

Madison Heights

have reason to believe

that the body recovered

earlier this evening,

in a motel parking lot,

is indeed that of Cliff Spab.

An apparent suicide

at the age of 20.

We'll all miss you, Cliff.

[REMOTE CONTROL CLICKING]

[LAUGHS]

[RINGING TONE]

WOMAN 1: TVM. How may I

direct your call?

Hi there.

Got a hot

news scoop for you.

Let me talk to somebody.

One moment, please.

WOMAN 2:

TVM news desk,

can I help you?

Yeah. Cliff Spab ain't dead.

He's alive and well,

and I can prove it.

Are you talking

about the Cliff Spab?

Uh-huh.

Really?

Yeah, that's right.

Would he like

to appear on TVM?

Oh, yeah.

[THRASH METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I'll have fucking fun

without you

♪ Out until I won't miss you

♪ But I'll govern

everything in your life

♪ I hate your guts

but you don't have to die

♪ I can get drunk

♪ I can get laid

♪ I could get sick

♪ I could get dead

♪ I guess it sucks

♪ That I don't give a fuck

♪ I could do nothing

♪ So fucking what

♪ Now is the time

♪ I have got you alone

♪ I'll cut all the mustard

♪ Right close to the bone

♪ The fuckers will cluster

♪ And flood to the tomb

♪ The banters will banter

♪ The cows will come home

♪ So fucking what

Hi. Cliff Spab here.

I'm not a VJ.

I just play one on TVM.

[LAUGHS]

Hi there.

I want to take you over

to the couch.

These are a couple

of dear friends of mine.

Over here is Peggy, Grace

and Dottie over there.

Let's wave to the camera,

girls, huh?

So, anyway, really,

you get down to it,

you know,

when they first asked me

to be a guest VJ here

on TVM

they said I could

talk about anything I want.

As long as I didn't

use words like[BEEPING] .

[WENDY LAUGHS]

And especially not words like

mother[BEEP] .

So I made a promise to them,

you know, not to use

words like...

[BEEPING]

And especially not any

words like mother[BEEP] .

So, anyway,

I decided to play my

10 most favorite videos,

where they either

sing about[BEEP] ,

show[BEEP] or use

[BEEP] in the title.

"So[BEEP] what?"

The clip you just saw

is based,

I do believe,

on the personal

experiences of yours truly.

But before we go

to that next clip,

see you in a minute, girls,

I'd like to share something

kind of special with you all.

I'd like to

dedicate this to

a very close friend,

who I haven't seen in way

too long.

Wendy, if you're out there,

this Bull's for you.

[ALL CHEERING]

All right.

Shut the fuck up!

Time out, time out,

time out, guys.

Look, everybody keep quiet,

so you can hear what

Spab has to say, okay?

Okay, Spab is ready

for your questions.

REPORTERS:

Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab,

Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab.

Mr. Spab, how do you explain

the behavior on those tapes?

And why do you suppose

that Split Image made

those tapes?

You know,

I don't know.

I never figured out

what the pantyhose guys

wanted.

I guess they were just bored

shitless, like the rest of us.

Maybe they were just trying

to get through it, you know.

We didn't know the

fucking world was watching.

[ALL TALKING]

Could you describe for us,

the situation

that led to your

escape from the Fun Stop?

Yeah, we ran out of beer.

[ALL CHEERING]

Liked that one, huh?

Mr. Spab? Mr. Spab, do you

consider yourself

an alcoholic?

I don't have to

consider myself nothing

with all you reporters

doing it for me.

Mr. Spab, exactly what is it

that you're rebelling against?

Well, that depends,

what you got, huh?

[ALL CHEERING]

Mr. Spab?

Mr. Spab, I would like to know

why you can't be a little

more serious

in your answers?

Hey, look, this is

the way I am, okay?

Don't be taking me

so fucking seriously.

Mr. Spab,

what can you

say about Joe Dice?

Well, there's nothing to

say about Joe, is there?

He's gone.

I miss him.

Do you think he will care

that I'm wearing

a Free Cliff Spab shirt?

He'll love it.

You look great.

He'll be glad to see you.

Hey!

Hey! Trippy legs!

How you doing, bro?

Whoa! Look at

that big bottle of

beer you got there.

I'm a big guy.

Kristen, this is Clifford.

Clifford, Kristen.

Hi. Hi.

Let's go. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

How's everybody doing?

I knew that dead guy

wasn't you. Didn't I say?

Yeah. It's too bad though.

Your school papers and shit

would've gone for twice the

fucking cash, bro.

[STUTTERS] Excuse me,

you're Cliff Spab.

Yeah, that's right.

He ain't Patty Hearst,

buddy, huh?

He saved

Wendy Pfister's life.

Oh, we know, we saw it.

That was something.

Who do I have the pleasure

of meeting?

Oh, I'm Phil Connors, oh,

and this is my wife, Rita.

Hi, Rita.

Hi, how nice to meet you.

What do you say

we take these guys

hostage with us, huh?

BOTH: Yeah!

Come on, come on, Phil,

Rita, come party with us!

No, no,

we're supposed

to meet some people.

ALL: Aw!

What do you say, Rita?

So fucking what!

[ALL CHEERING]

Let's party!

Come on, Phil!

KRISTEN:

Party down!

Yeah, here it is.

Oh, wow.

This is class.

This is great.

What'd I tell you, huh?

Yeah.

Over here.

Whoo-hoo.

Hey, Cliff, does this go

in the bathtub?

The beer ball goes

at the bar, right there.

Oh, we got a bar.

Hey, Scott, tell Spab

about the concert.

What concert is that?

Clifford, you want to see

Spiral Jet, Friday night?

They want you

to introduce them.

Yes, I do! Cool!

Rita, where are you?

How about a beer?

You want a Bullseye

or a Heineken?

Uh, Heineken.

Yeah, you look like

a Heinie kinda girl

to me.

I hope that's good.

Oh, that is good.

You want a beer?No.

Come on.

SCOTT: Hey, Clifford,

you know, Kristen there

is your biggest fan.

Oh, yeah?Yeah.

But it's not like

I want to fuck you

or anything.

I think we should go.

No, sweetheart,

let's just stay

a little longer.

You got to

live to learn, Phil.

You got

to live to learn.

Now, who said that?

Being your brother has made me

real popular with the ladies.

Oh, that's great, Scott.

I'm glad it's finally

working for you.

I just want to hang around,

you know, hear what you

gotta say.

Mmm, well, I don't know shit.

[SIGHS]

See, that is so Spab.

[LAUGHING]

That is Spab.

That is Spab,

you're right.

That is Spab.

Tsk.

MAN:

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Cliff Spab.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[HOOTING]

Yeah!

Thank you!

[AUDIENCE CHANTING]

Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab. Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab.

[WHISTLING]

Spab. Spab. Spab.

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

[YELLING]

[CROWD CHANTING]

No!

[SCREAMING]

No!

[SCREAMING]

[ELECTRICITY SURGING]

CROWD: Spab! Spab! Spab!

[WENDY SOBBING]

[SCREAMING]

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[WHISTLING]

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, Wendy.

Hi, Spab.

This is it.

Where are you supposed to go

buy a beer now, huh?

I heard they want

to tear this down

and then turn

the whole place

into a memorial park.

God damn it!

Is that what

it all boils down to?

A fucking memorial park?

That's one way

to live forever.

I'd like to live forever,

but only for a little while.

Spab, you are so full of shit.

You know, you try to

come off as just some guy.

But you're not just some guy.

You've got a message.

Yeah?

What's my message?

Your message is that

there is no message.

Nothing really matters.

The message is,

"So fucking what."

You keep saying it,

but nobody really

hears you.

Well,

I'm sorry to break

the bad news to you, Wendy.

I'm full of shit.

There are plenty of things

that matter to me

in this world.

Yeah, like what?

Like you.

WENDY:

There's something

I keep thinking about.

SPAB: Hmm?

Maybe even

trying to explain

what happened in the store

is just pointless, you know.

I mean, how do

you explain something

like that to somebody?

You can't.

There is one way.

You could lock them

in a room for 36 days.

They might

understand then.

You have to let them

watch some people die.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Let's face it, Spab,

we have this

little understanding.

Nobody else knows

what it's all about.

It's like a disease.

Madison Heights Syndrome.

If you don't have it,

you can never understand it.

Spab.

Let's not even bother

trying to explain it

to anybody else.

If you weren't in

that store with us...

You can shut the fuck up

right now.

You know,

maybe Spab thought things

would be the same way

they always were.

I mean,

I know I thought

once I got out of there,

I'd just be going back

to Ozell Park High on

Monday morning.

Things have just been

really weird

since getting out

of that store.

If you think about it enough,

you can go nuts.

That's one of Spab's

favorite lines, by the way.

Anyway, anyway,

I guess I've talked enough,

so it's time to meet the guy

that made all this possible,

Mr. "So fucking what" himself,

Cliff Spab.

[ALL CHEERING]

Thank you.

ALL:

So fucking what!

So fucking what! Okay.

So fucking what!

SPAB: Standing

out there on the stage

of Madison Heights High,

I was suddenly

knocked on my ass with

this strange sort of feeling.

It wasn't just the cheering.

I wasn't really sure

what it was.

So I just stood there

looking stupid

for what

seemed like a long time

trying to figure it all out.

There was nothing

I could do,

except wait for the chanting

to die down.

But the noise only

grew louder and louder.

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Everything matters!

FEMALE NEWSCASTER:

Wendy Pfister and Cliff Spab

were shot this morning at

a Madison Heights high

school assembly.

Witnesses say Spab had just

stepped up to the microphone,

when three shots rang out.

Pfister was standing nearby.

After witnessing the shooting,

hundreds

of grief-stricken students

refused to return to class,

leaving the campus

a virtual ghost town.

Madison Heights

high school senior,

Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

was arraigned

in court today

in connection

with the shooting of

Wendy Pfister and Cliff Spab.

FEMALE REPORTER:

Why did you fire

the first shot?

BARBARA:

Everything matters.

[REPORTERS CHATTERING]

Are you a friend of

Cliff Spab?

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: ...to take

total responsibility

for everything they say,

do and feel.

Babs Wyler was

a perpetrator of violence

and a dangerous reactionary.

The American people

can rest assured

that all the resources

of this office

will be used to make sure

that Babs Wyler...

...the national scholastic

merit award

for her essay,

"Everything Matters".

It's about a new generation

of young people

who take total responsibility

for everything they say,

do and feel.

This is about

the first amendment.

What Babs did was an act

of symbolic free speech.

Now the issue here is

whether we should punish

a brilliant,

gifted young woman

for bringing the message

of responsibility,

hope and optimism to the

world? I don't think so.

...outside

Madison Heights county jail,

where dozens of protesters

are staging

an all-night vigil...

MALE REPORTER: Day after day,

we have watched with

fascination,

a straight-A student,

Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

an anything but ordinary

young American

has been catapulted

from suburban obscurity

to international fame.

Tonight, in a live interview

from Madison Heights

county jail,

we will learn all about

Babs' philosophy for

a new age,

a philosophy in which

everything matters.

Those are the words

of Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

the courageous young woman

we have come to care about

so deeply.

Babs has been through more

in the past few weeks

than most of us will

experience in a lifetime.

But through it all

she has retained

her dignity,

refusing to be reduced to

the level of her detractors.

When she emerged

from her terrible ordeal,

she found herself

strengthened

and her "Everything Matters"

philosophy intact.

In short, Babs Wyler

has been transformed

from a typical

American teenager

into an atypical

American phenomenon.

Tonight, for the first time,

we'll get to spend an hour

with Babs in the privacy

of her own home.

Babs, what are your

impressions of

Cliff Spab?

I must be very careful

of what I say about

Cliff Spab.

But why?

Because...

[MONITOR BEEPING]

Hey, Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

How about another beer?

How about a bag of gumnuts?

How about

a stale burrito?

How about

some 3-in-1 oil

for your folding chair?

How about a bath

in the sink?

How about a song?

Hey, Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

We're getting married

or what?

Hey, guy,

you fucking know it.

[NO FUCKIN' PROBLEMPLAYING]

♪ You talk your shit

♪ But I ain't listenin'

♪ And I don't do

♪ No ass kissin'

♪ Now here's the point

♪ That you been missin'

♪ No fuckin' problem at all

♪ Ain't got

no fucking problem

♪ Ain't got

no fucking problem at all

♪ Ain't got

no fucking problem

♪ I got

no fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem

♪ You think you know

♪ Everything and more

♪ But a surprise

♪ You'll be in for

♪ Add it all up

♪ And you got no score

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ You play the part

♪ That I got no use

♪ Don't mean a thing

♪ 'Cause you got no juice

♪ I live in peace

♪ I don't need a truce

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem

♪ I got a piece

♪ But not to the puzzle

♪ No time to think

♪ Staring down a muzzle

♪ I rise above

♪ And watch you fizzle

♪ No fucking problem at all

S.F.W. (1994) - full transcript