S.F.W. (1994) - full transcript

Cliff Spab is a guy who doesn't really care about anything. He gets held hostage at a store for 36 days by terrorists, who demand that the entire thing be broadcast on national television. Cliff ends up taking a bullet for fellow hostage Wendy - making him a national hero. The two are the sole survivors of the ordeal, and soon become prisoners of the media. Cliff escapes it all, only to find himself being pushed further away from Wendy when he needs her most.

Some people might think
the moral of my story is,

"In this fucked-up world,

"even a simple thing
like buying a six-pack

"can be harmful
to your health."

But I don't know about that.

What I do know is that
instead of getting our beer,

Joe and me got some
fucked-up terrorists

sticking a video camera in
our faces for 36 days and
36 nights.

What we didn't know
was that everybody in
America was watching.



Hi there. Cliff Spab,
as seen on TV.

I'm Wendy Pfister.

Welcome to our humble home.
Come on in, take a seat.

We got apple pie in the oven,
and me and Joe are playing
crazy eights.

Hey, we can deal
you in if you want.

I like go fish.

SPAB: Wendy,
what's for dinner?

Um, there's some
Casa Blanca, um,

red-hot bean and
beef burritos and...


And some Pringles,
some cupcakes and
a bag of gumnuts and...

No, you ate the
last bag of gumnuts.


No, I didn't.

You ate the
last bag of gumnuts.

No, I didn't, Joe!

All right, you two,
cut it out!

No, I didn't!

You fucking bitch,
you ate the last bag
of fucking gumnuts!

I'm not
a fucking bitch,

I'm sick of you calling me
a fucking bitch!

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy!

I'm sick of it!

Let the dog in. Joe,
you take out the trash!

Fuck the dog!
Fuck the trash!

No more backtalk
from you, young man,

or you can
forget dessert!

Jesus Christ!

When I was a young boy,

I wouldn't even think
of talking the way
you kids do.

This is my house.

Hey, since when
is this your house?

This just isn't my house,
it's my own fucking country!

I think
I want an exit visa.

Yeah, well,
so fucking what, Wendy?

I'm sorry.







Hey, Wendy, Spab?

How about another beer?


That's the last one, Joe.

Well, we'll just
have to get some more, then.

No, I mean, really,
that's the last one.


Guess it's showtime!
How you boys doing?

JOE: How are they
ever doing?


Get that fucking camera
off me! Get the fuck off!

SPAB: Yeah,
get it over here,
man, right here!

I got a treat for you boys.
This is for the folks
back home!

You ready to see
my really photogenic side?

Well, here it is.

JOE: Give me the gun!


♪ And you stare at me

♪ In your Jesus Christ pose

♪ Arms held out

♪ Like you've been
carrying a load

♪ And you swear to me

♪ You don't want to be
my slave

♪ But you're staring at me

♪ Like I

♪ Like I need to be saved

♪ Saved

♪ Like I need to be saved

♪ Saved

♪ In your Jesus Christ pose

♪ In your Jesus Christ pose

hostage crisis is over.

For 36 days,
American television
was forced to broadcast

uncensored video tapes
of five individuals

held by a terrorist group,
Split Image.

If the uncensored tapes
weren't aired, all five
hostages would die.

A threat Split Image
made good

with the
brutal killings of
Kim Martin and Milt Morris.

And so, every night
on prime-time television,

we watched with agonized
fascination as the hostages,

five ordinary Americans,

were transformed from
convenience-store shoppers

into national heroes.

What the ultimate goal of
Split Image was, we may
never know.

Any further insight
may have to await
the recovery

of the young man we came
to know so well, Cliff Spab.

At this moment,
young Mr. Spab

is in a tightly guarded
hospital room,

recovering from
the bullet wound
he suffered

while risking his own life
to save the only other
surviving hostage,

Wendy Pfister.

We hope to
have Cliff as our guest
as soon as his health permits.

How are you, Cliff?

How the hell
does he look?

Listen, kid,
you think you're up
to a press conference?

Cliff, the President
wants to give you a medal.

The President.We're talking big time.

At the White House.

Yes, sir, we finally
hit the jackpot!

In the Rose Garden.

Look, kid, all that stuff
I said about you being
a loser?

Well, forget it.

Cliff, your father has
something very exciting
he wants to tell you.

Go ahead, Bob, tell him.

Well, Son, it's just that
your mom and me, we...

Just spit it out, Bob!

They're making
a TV movie all about you.

The Cliff Spab Story,
just the way it happened.

Actually, they're making
three TV movies.

But our version
is the authorized one.

The real McCoy.
And check this out.

I know how you feel.

You don't have to talk
if you don't want to.


Sometimes it feels
better to talk about it.

Of course, sometimes,
it feels better not
to talk about it.

Agent Parsley.


You might have fooled
the rest of the world,
but you don't fool me.

I'm betting you were
in on this little stunt.

You're nothing but
a foul-mouthed, lazy,

little prick hoodlum.

And the world would best be
rid of you.

The dark side
of the Pepsi generation.
That is you, all the way.

They're offering you
$1 million.

We're talking seven figures.

That is a lot of money.

We loved the way
you handled yourself
on that TV special.

Very smooth.

He doesn't know
about the TV special.

You don't know
about the TV special?

Cliff, you had
your own TV special.

Don't worry about it, Cliff.
You were sensational!

The best!
Highest TVQ ever.
Better than a real star.

The Cliff Spab Special.
It got a 30 share.

Even better than
The Wendy Special.

Ultimately, it's
really up to me.

I haven't really
found anybody

that can really help me out.

It's hard,
because I don't think
people really understand

what I'm all about.

You think there'll be a time
when you will want to look
to the future,

and you will want
to start to look,

see if things are gonna be
brighter for you?

I really don't know.






Don't touch me!


What are you doing?
Leave me alone! Help!


Just take the money!

You don't have to hurt him!

Fuck you,
you fucking fuckheads!

Hey, Clifford!


How you doing, guy?


And there's more
where that came from, bro.

Best news I've had.

Let's get outta here. Yeah, let's go.

I want you to call me
if you need to talk.

And Cliff,
watch your language. Yeah.

Who the hell is that?

Beats the fuck out of me.
Hey, Scott, great shirt.


Have you spoken to Wendy?

How is Wendy?


She took my beer.

How are you feeling?

Cliff, can you tell us
how your family feels?

How do you feel?

I don't know.


James, let's motor!


Ah, fuck!
What's the deal, man?

What the fuck
is going on here?

Well, get used to it.

These assholes
been dogging us for weeks.
You're a fucking hero now.

What the fuck's that thing?
Does that thing open up
over there?

Yeah, that's
a fucking bar, man.

Oh, in-fucking-credible,

Got your coffee.


Listen, Clifford,
there's gonna be some
people back at the house.

Some kind of reception
kinda shit.

Ah! Limousine, Primo beer.

Can't beat it.

Hey, Scott. Yeah?

Let's go to The Boy.

BOTH: To The Boy!


Hey, Spab,
we saw you on TV, man.

You were great!

STAN: Really fucking cool!

Stan, hi.

Hey, anything you guys want,
on the house, right?

Hey, yo,
check it out!

No shit, 36 cents?
That's kind of cheap, Stan.

It's symbolic, okay? 36.

36 days in the Fun Stop.


Pretty fucking clever, Stan.

Well, I just came to
pick up my paycheck.

Oh, sure thing, Cliff.

I guess you were
a little busy, huh?

Ooh! Lookie here.

Where's Joe, Stan?

Well, you're
Worker of the Month.

Well, I think Joe should
be up here, too, don't you?

Yeah, well, Joe's dead.

All right,
we gotta go, Cliff.

Where the fuck is Joe, Stan?

You know he should
fucking be up there.
You know that.

No can do.

Hey, Stan,
you still spitting in
the burgers in this joint?

Very funny.
You were always a joker.
Hey, welcome back, Spab!


I'm Wendy Pfister. I'm 17.

I live in Ozell Park
with my mom.

And I go to Ozell Park High.

I just want
my wife to know

I'm fine.

These people
don't frighten me.

They are nothing.


My name is Kim Martin.

I was
working in this Fun Stop
when these people rushed in.

I live in Royal Oak.

I have a...

I have a husband and a son.

If you can hear me,

I love you so much.

Just keep on praying that
this will all be over
really soon.

Get that
fucking camera off me.

Say something.

Get him
the fuck outta here.

Hi, my name
is Rick Forsythe.

I live in Silver Pond
with my parents,

George and
Edna Forsythe,
and my sister, Suzanne.

I'm president
of the debate team

and captain
of my baseball team
over at Silver Pond High.

I have a dog named Rusty.

And my hobbies
include coin collecting
and dry-fucking cheerleaders.

He's here!


You staying there?
Come on, I'll get you up here.
Let's go, let's go!




On behalf of the city
of Madison Heights,
I proclaim today,

Cliff Spab day!


And I'm pleased as punch
to present you with the key

to our
magnificent metropolis.



Who the fuck are you?


I'm the mayor.


Wow, thank you.
It's a mighty big
fucking key, huh?


Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab.
Have you seen Wendy Pfister?

No, I haven't.

Can you
describe the events
that led to your freedom?

No, I can't.

You saved her life.
Are you in love with her?

Ah, that's none of
your business now,
sweetheart, is it?

Any comment on the
death of Joe Dice?

Every one of you assholes
get the fuck out of here now!

Get these people off
my goddamn porch, huh.


What do we got here?

Mr... Whoa!

Tomorrow morning
you get your ass
down to my office.

We're gonna
have a little chat about
your Split Image friends.

They weren't my friends.

Would you get your
fucking hands off me?

Back off, guy, huh?

MRS. SPAB: Cliff?
Cliff, come in here.

One, two, three.

Welcome home, Clifford!

Cliff, your aunt Jessica,
Derrick and Sylvie drove
in from upstate,

and your uncle Jerry and
cousin Dave, they took
the bus.

All right. Hey, there,
hi, how are you doing?


MRS. SPAB: Cliff?

MR. SPAB: Cliff.

Clifford, honey,
I cleaned your room.

What the hell
happened here?


Fuck this shit!
Give me a beer, Scott.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby.



So what are you gonna do now?

Sing a song.

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down the road

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down the road

♪ Fucker boy, I spy

♪ Walking down

♪ Walking down the road

That sucks, man.

Yeah, you're right.

I've been craving this
for so fucking long, man.









Turn that damn thing down!


You guys
out of your
fucking minds?



You're a real
comedian, Cliff.

Well, I don't think
this is very funny.

I do.

Now you listen to me, Cliff.
There's a lot of money
at stake here.

I don't care if you
fuck up your own life,

but don't you fuck it
up for your mom and me.

She's gonna be really pissed
when she sees what you've
done to this room.

Dad, I just want to
know one thing, okay?

Who invited
the fucking marching band?

You watch your mouth!

Your mom and I are embarrassed
as hell about the language
you used on TV.

Yeah, I bet you'd have
been really embarrassed
if they blew my head off, huh?


Well, you ain't
leaving this house

until you give
a press conference.

Oh, gee, Dad.

Well, I think I know how
to stay in confined areas
for long periods of time, guy.

Shut up, Scott!
You little twerp.

A press conference will not
kill you.

Well, Joe thought
running into the Fun Stop

to buy some beer wouldn't
kill him either, Dad.

Don't fuck with me, Cliff.

And clean up
this fucking room.

Home sweet home.

SPAB: Hey, Wendy.

WENDY: Spab.





Let's sing a duet,
shall we?


♪ As long as
we got each other


♪ We got the world
spinnin' right in our hands

♪ Baby, you and me

♪ We gotta be

♪ The luckiest dreamers

♪ Who never quit dreamin'

♪ As long as
we keep on givin'

♪ We can take anything
that comes our way

♪ Baby, rain or shine

♪ All the time

♪ We got each other

♪ Sharing the laughter
and love ♪

Come here.


I want to go home.

What's the deal?

What do you think
the deal is, Spab?

Do you want
to take a bath?

Fuck you, Spab.

My brother's dead
and all you can say is,
"You want to take a bath?"

Monica, I'm coming over.

Spab, you asshole.


I was a year old
when Joe was born.

And for the next 19 years,

we lived next door
to each other in
Madison Heights.

Went to the same schools,

worked at the same
goddamn Burger Boy.

Spent countless hours
drinking Bullseye

and getting fucked up
on cheap pot.

And now Joe's dead.

What a fucking waste.

I've gone nuts, Monica.

I mean, I thought
it was crazy in there.

But out here...

Out here
it's fucking insane.

Yeah, so?

Fuck being
drunk or stoned.

In that goddamn store,
we were nuts.

Even Wendy?

Yeah, even Wendy,
she was nuts.

So, did you fuck her?

Who? Who, Wendy?


Wendy Pfister?

I didn't even know
the girl, you know,

before all this shit
went down.

She was
just in the wrong place
at the wrong time, you know.

Oh, you're good, Spab,
you're really good.

I'd say I know you,
but every now and then
you leave me guessing.

Did Joe fuck her?

Well, what
do you think?

Spab, you asshole,
you like her, don't you?

Christ, I can tell.

What have you got
against Wendy Pfister?

I mean, she's
a really nice girl.

Oh, I don't know, maybe
her little Miss Teen USA act.

Monica, you could do exactly
what she's doing and
get away with it,

and never feel guilty
about it if you wanted to.

Maybe, but who'd want to?

Monica, you fucking taco,
I know you.

Take your bath, Spab.

You need one.


MAN: No!



What's the deal, Monica?

What do you think
the deal is?

All right,
come on in.

It's pretty pathetic, huh?

Yeah, you ought
to see my room.

Fuck your room!
You ain't dead.


They forgot about Joe

the minute
they had you to honor
and praise and interview.

Oh, yeah,
well, like they won't
forget about me, Monica.

I'm not saying
it's your fault, Spab.

I'm just saying they were
never all that interested
in Joe, anyway.

Joe wasn't funny enough.
Joe wasn't interesting enough.

He never came up with
all the good lines
you did.

Don't you get it, Spab?

You were the guy
that everybody wanted
to know everything about.

Not my brother.

Well, fuck everybody.

Yeah, well,
tell them that,

and it's just another
fucking headline.

Oh, God, I'm drunk.

What time is it, anyway?

I don't know. 1:30?


Oh, God, Spab, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

I've been drunk since May 2nd.
It's no big deal.


But you know me.
I'm usually in control.


What's the deal?

Oh, Jesus, Spab!

You fucking asshole.

♪ When I was a teenage whore

♪ My mother asked me

♪ She said, baby, what more?

♪ I give you plenty
What do you want more?

♪ Baby, why are you
a teenage whore?

♪ I said, I feel so all alone

♪ And I wish I could die

♪ See the things
you put me through

♪ And I

♪ I wish I could die

♪ When I was a teenage whore

♪ The rain came down
like it never did before

♪ I pay good money
not to be ignored

♪ Then why am I
a teenage whore?

♪ I've seen your repulsion
and it looks

♪ Real good on you

♪ Tonight I want
to put you through

♪ What you put me through





So, how long are
you gonna be gone?

Well, you know me, honey.

Rocking and rolling,

taking care of business,
sweet thing.

Yup, I know
what you mean.

Kind of running with life,
your back to the wind.

Yeah, yeah,
you know what I'm saying.

I know it, I know it. Yeah.

And don't call me
"sweet thing,"
you fucking asshole.


Thanks for the lift.

Is that what you call it?

Here, this might
help out some.

Whoa! You didn't have to
do that.

Ever heard of
Friends of the Hostages?

People we don't even know have
been sending us money for
weeks now.

Call if you want more.

What if I don't want more,
but I want to call?

Like I said,
call if you want more.


Good luck being nobody!



Holy shit, man,
it's Spab!

Oh, shit!

Hey, Spab, I'm not a fuckup.
I just play one in real life.

Whoa! Hey,
what's the deal, guys?

Hey, you want to
puff this fatty, man?

Um, thank you, boys.

JOHNNY: Oh, wow!

Fucking Spab,
fucking psychedelic!

Wow, man, I'm Al.
I'm Al, this is Johnny!



You look fatter on TV, man.


I can't believe
I'm standing here,
talking to Cliff Spab!


Well, ask him something!

Like what, man?

I don't know,
ask him about his arm.

What happened to his arm?

Oh, he got shot, you dufus.

Fuck! In the arm?

No, no,
in the shoulder, man.

Well, did it hurt?

Yeah, it fucking hurt.


Oh, man,
that must've sucked.


So, how's Joe, man?

Oh, wow!

Fuck, man.

I'm sorry, man.

I forgot,
Joe's dead, bro!

I'm sorry.

It's all right, man.



Oh, yeah.


Whoa! Well,
that's my ride.

Where you going?


Well, well, well. If it
isn't Rick fucking Forsythe.

Hey, Morrow,
you fucking asshole.

How's the cheerleaders, Rick?


Hey, Spab,
you coming back?


Ah, kids today,
let me tell you.



♪ You make me sick

♪ You make me sick


Shit, that was Spab.

Shit, man,
he took our joint!

You have our joint!

BOTH: Whoo! Whoo!

I rolled that!
I rolled it myself!



Who was that,
your fan club?

Ah, that was Joe and me
three years ago, man.

So how does it
feel to be famous?

Oh, it feels angry, man.


Ladies and gentlemen,
the curiosity about Cliff Spab

throughout the country
has been overwhelming.

He's now bordering
on cult status.

Uh, hang on.
Yes, ma'am, right here.

What's Cliff Spab
really like?

Exactly like
he was on those tapes.

God! Reality programming
gives reality a bad
fucking name.

HOST: ...followed this case.
What do you think?

He's a lazy, foul-mouthed,
uneducated drug addict.



This guy's funny.

Wendy, you met Cliff Spab
at the Fun Stop.

He's from working-class
Madison Heights.

You're from the
wealthy suburb
of Ozell Park.

Bottom line, you and Cliff
are very different people,
aren't you?

In what ways?

I really don't think
we're all that different.

Wendy looks good!


I'd do her.

But you're
perceived differently.

Well, that's what this is
all about anyway, isn't it?


I mean, I don't think people
know Spab any more than they
know me.

Did you fuck her?

I mean, with the handcuffs
and everything?

All right, shut the fuck up,

WENDY: They may think
they know the two of us,

but they don't
know us at all.

HOST: Okay, Wendy,
I gotta ask you this.

Where is Cliff Spab?

I know! I know! I know! Here!

HOST: Indeed, all of
America is wondering,
where is Cliff Spab?

Where can he be?
Is he on the road or
has foul play befallen him?


Hang on. Hang on.

If I was Wendy
and I knew where Spab is,
I would never tell anybody.



Initially no network
would air the hostage tapes.

But after
the cold-blooded
executions of hostages

Kim Martin and Milt Morris,
the networks had no choice.

And all over the world,
every night,

Cliff Spab and Wendy Pfister
became part of our lives.

Thursday, June 17th.
Viewer discretion is advised.



Will you cut it out?
I can't take it anymore!

All right, listen up.

There've been
some developments.
We're gonna let one of you go.

All right! I just want
to say, on my own behalf,

how great
it's been hanging out
with you guys. Wonderful.

GUNWOMAN: Who wants to
let this guy go?
Sit down...


Watch the language, please!

Why don't you let her go?

How many for her?

Get her out of here, man.


Oh, thank God!

KIM: I'll pray for you.

I'll pray for
all of you guys.


Yeah, we're gonna
miss you, Kim!

It ain't gonna be
the same without you!



Let's get out of here, man.


What are you taking me
here for, man?

I don't want
to see anybody.


♪ When you were here before

Don't worry, guy,
your 15 minutes
are almost up.

♪ Couldn't look you in the eye

♪ You're just like an angel

♪ Your skin makes me cry

Morrow, what's the deal?

♪ You float like a feather

What's the deal?

♪ In a beautiful world

You mean,
what am I sure of?

The one thing I'm sure of
is that everything is unsure.


♪ You're so fuckin' special

♪ But I'm a creep

♪ I'm a weirdo

♪ What the hell
am I doing here

♪ I don't belong here

♪ I don't care if it hurts

♪ I want to have control

♪ I want a perfect body

♪ I want a perfect soul

♪ I want you to notice

♪ When I'm not around

♪ You're so fuckin' special

♪ I wish I was special

♪ But I'm a creep

♪ I'm a weirdo

♪ What the hell
am I doing here

♪ I don't belong here

♪ Oh, oh

♪ She's

♪ Running out again

MAN: Fuck you!


What's the point
of saying anything?

You know how it is, man.
It's the same old
fucking shit.


I'm stuck in this,
this Fun Stop.

So fucking what?

So I'm bored as shit.

So fucking what?

So I don't know
what the fuck's going on.

So fucking what?

So I might die in here.

So fucking what?

So I haven't had
a decent shower and food

in way too fucking...


So fucking what?

How is this different

from anything else
that's happened in my life?

I mean, God, when I was...
When I was in high school,

fucking up big time,

everybody was
always giving me shit.

All I ever said was,
"So fucking what?"

When I was at The Boy,
the goddamn Boy,

making minimum,
after working there
for three years, man...

All I ever said was,
"So fucking what?"

Jesus Christ!

That's all you gotta do, man.

It's all everybody's
gotta do,

is just say,
"So fucking what?"

It works wonders.

Trust me.

I know.

So go ahead.

Go ahead, Mr. Cameraman.

Everybody out there,

say it along with me,
"So fucking what?"

You must think you're real
fucking funny, don't you?

[GRUNTING] What the fuck are you doing?

Just wait.
Just wait for me
in the fucking car!

I don't want
to wait for you.

Wait for me in the fuck...
Get outta here!

Hey, guy, do me a favor?
Would you hold onto this
for me?

What the fuck
are you doing, man?

You think that guy
broke your fucking window?

So you take his fucking gun?
What are you, a fucking idiot?

Fuck you!

Don't give me "fuck you"?
Fuck you, man.


Spab, Spab, Spab.

Just because you're
a big fucking hero

does not mean
you know jack shit
about the real world.

You know what? What?

Take me to the bus depot and
don't be laughing at me,
you prick!

We interrupt to bring
you a special news bulletin.

Reports are in that
Cliff Spab has been sighted

at the Crestridge Mall
in Madison Heights.

According to FBI agent,
Gerald Parsley,

the hunt for Spab
is being confined to
the Madison Heights area.

Agent Parsley
had this to say.

Mr. Spab is being
sought for questioning.

We believe he has been,
and still is,

involved with certain
subversive activities.

This fucking guy!

We know he has not
left the immediate area

and a search of his most
likely destinations is
now in progress.

Cliff, this is your mother.

We want you to come home.
We love you.






Come check this out, Spab.

Sandy's drunk again!

God damn it,
I hate that shit!

Come here, man.
Help me, help me take
her to the bathroom, man.

Grab her legs.

Come on. Come on.

Morrow, let's get the fuck
out of here, all right?


Come on,
just help me take
her to the bathroom.

♪ Sandy, Sandy, Sandy

♪ How I love you, Sandy

Ah, hey.

Hey, rise and shine,

Oh, God.

No, it's Morrow, honey.

Get your fucking
hands off of me.
And who's that?

Him? He's Fred Nietzsche.

Get your fucking hands
off of me!

Get up, come on,
you gotta be careful,
a woman in your condition.

Fuck you, Morrow!


Mrs. Pfister,
I really need to
talk to Wendy, okay?

MRS. PFISTER: Cliff, look,
I realize you've both
been through a lot,

but I just don't think
it's a good idea

for you and Wendy to
see each other anymore.

I've told Wendy this, too.


Mrs. Pfister?

I'm sorry, Cliff.


Hey, guy,

bring us another bottle
of that shit champagne!



MORROW: Hey, guy,
listen to this.

Do I have to?

Suppose, one night,
instead of going down
to the local Fun Stop

with your
two best friends
to buy some beer,

you go out with a woman
named Sandy Hooten.

Yeah, I remember.

Then, suppose,

while your two best friends
are being taken hostage
by some insane freaks,

you make love to the
aforementioned Sandy Hooten,

who tells you
she's on the pill

so you don't have to use
a latex prophylactic device.

Morrow, shut up.

Yeah, please, Morrow...

And further suppose,
after a few weeks go by,

the aforementioned
Sandy Hooten returns...



It's $300 to be exact.

You fucking liar,
you gave me $228.

And finally...

Finish the fucking
story already. Jesus.

Your two aforementioned
best friends are still
being held hostage

by the aforementioned
insane freaks

in the aforementioned
Fun Stop.

You hop over to see
the aforementioned
mother of your child.

And you happen
to discover that
she was on the pill!

She never got pregnant.

She only needed the
aforementioned 300 bucks

to buy this cheap-ass,
shit-fucking wine,

because she's
a fucking drunk!



What the fuck are you doing?
Give me the gun.

Back off, cowboy!

I can't believe this.

Now you're fucking
pointing a gun at me.

Stand up, honey.
Stand up, stand up, Sandy!

Stand up!


Sandy, I love you.

You're Spab!

Yeah, well...

No, no, really, I love you.

I've seen all your tapes.

Uh, this is...

No, this is an honor,
is what it is.


I'll be honest
with you, Cliff.

You, you know, and
your philosophy and stuff?

You helped me through
some pretty tough times.

I wish you could help him.

Let's get out of here
before I puke!

All right.
Shine on, little diamond.

Bye, Sandy.

Hey, Spab.


So fucking what?


So fucking what?

Why are we still in here?

How long have we
been in here anyway?

You're not gonna tell me.

Fuck you!

Fuck you, you pussy.

You want to shoot somebody?
Shoot me.

Go ahead.
You got the camera,
you got the gun. Do it.

You know you'll run out
of hostages, you're fucked!

You know that?

You see,
that's the difference
between you assholes and me.

You're afraid of dying.
I'm not.

I'm not afraid to die.

So, fucking do it!

I am fucking daring you
to shoot me in the head!

Fucking do it!
You think I give a fuck?

I don't give a fuck!
I could give two shits!

Fucking kill me!

Shoot me in the fucking head,
you fuck!

You sorry-ass,
cock-sucking motherfucker!





Fuck you.


♪ Bit down on a bullet now

♪ I had a taste so sour

♪ I had to think
of something sweet

♪ Love's like suicide

♪ Safe outside
my gilded cage

♪ With an ounce of pain

♪ I wield a ton of rage

♪ Just like suicide

Oh, shit, Morrow,
come on in.

So, what did you do now,
little brother?

[SIGHS] Janet,
I'd like you to meet Spab.

Spab, this is my sister.

SPAB: No kidding?

Hey, I'm splitting.

I've had it with
this two-bit town.

Spab, I want you
to tell her everything.
And don't leave nothing out.

Janet here is
a goddamn lawyer.

Janet, could you take care
of this for me, please?


And, guy, remember,

the best
you can expect is
to avoid the worst.



As in, the Spab?

Yeah, afraid so.

Well, well, well.

Morrow never told me
he had a


Morrow never told me
he had a Spab.

MALE TV HOST: Wendy Pfister,
the courageous young woman

we came to care about
so deeply,

has been through more
in the last several months

than most of us will
experience in a lifetime.

But through it all she
has retained her dignity,

refusing to be
reduced to the level
of her mysterious captors.

And when she emerged
from her terrible ordeal,

she found herself

She discovered an iron will

and a newfound sensitivity
to the needs of others.

In short,
Wendy Pfister
has been transformed

from a typical
American teenager

into a genuine
American heroine.

Tonight, for the first time,
we'll get to spend an hour
with Wendy,

in the privacy
of her own home.

What about Cliff Spab?

What are your impressions
of him?

Her hair is terrible.

I think she looks good.


I've been really careful
with what I say about Spab.


Because people
don't understand him.

And you have to know him
to really know what he's
all about.

Would you like
to see Spab again?
Could you be friends?

I think we still are friends.

Sure, I'd like to know
how he's doing.

You don't spend
that much time
with somebody

and not find out
practically everything
about each other's lives.

I really miss him.

He saved my life.

That girl
is cracking up.

I personally don't think
she's getting very
good advice.


And what advice
would you give her?


first of all,

I would tell her to relax.

And then I would advise her

to have some fun.

And then I would tell her

to laugh

all the way to the bank.

Well, here it is.


Okay, I'm going to commit
a little felony here.

How's your
pitching arm, Spab?



Who are you,
Clifford Spab?

Uh, just some
greasy-ass white boy
from the northeast suburbs.


Well, it's sure been
an interesting night.

The night's still young,
and so are you.


If you need
a place to lay low,
I'll protect your privacy.

Thank you.

But when you're ready,
I'll be ready with you.

Oh, that's great.

Ready, um...

Ready for what?

Well, I mean,

one of these days you're
gonna want to get your
life back

and you may have to
sue some people to get it.

Well, they can all
just fuck themselves.


Well, we all would
like that, Spab,

but experience has
taught me that people

just don't up
and fuck themselves.

They need somebody else
to fuck them.


And that's why
God created lawyers...


...like me.

And that's why Morrow
brought you here.

This was Morrow's idea?

I mean,
you guys are gonna
split the profits, right?

Actually we'll only
split 50%.

The other 50 goes to you.

Oh, right.


Where are you going?

Come on, Spab,
it's a total spinout.
You need to take control.


Spab, I'm willing
to negotiate.

You little fucker!





EARL: It is Spab!


DOLLY: Is it Spab?




Fucking Spab!

Fucking A, man!

I'll tell you
something, Spab.

You sure as hell
said some shit that
needed fucking said!

Well, thank you, Dolly. Heard that!

Thank you, Earl.

I'm just saying, and
this is just me saying it,

but I just think that
you said a whole lot
of shit

that a lot of people
in this country think about,

but don't have the
fucking guts to
say out loud.

I'm gonna go
even further and say

they don't even have the
fucking guts to think
about it.


Heard that!

Hey, give me a hit.


SPAB: Where'd that joint go?
Where'd that joint go?

Oh, thank you, honey.
Thank you.

I want to ask you
something, baby.

Did you
ever think you were
gonna bite it back there?

Well, let me put it
this way, sweetheart.

I heard that.
Heard that.

What it boils down to,
is that I'm a survivor, okay?

Amen. That's what it is.

And anybody who thinks I'm
gonna live fast and
die young, Earl,

well, they don't know me now,
do they?




We interrupt this program
to bring you a special report.

The Madison Heights Police
have issued

an All Points Bulletin
for the arrest of
Cliff Spab.

Spab is wanted for
assault and battery

on a local teenager
at the Crestridge Mall.

If you have any information
as to Cliff Spab's

please contact
the Madison Heights
police department immediately.

Now back to our
regular programs.

Fucking liars! Fuck 'em,
fucking, fucking liars!

Don't sweat it, Spab.
We got it covered.


There ain't no fucking way
they're getting you
without a fight, baby.

Okay, Earl, Earl, let's just
put the gun down, okay, buddy?

Let's just put it over there.
We don't need to go this
far now, do we, guys?

DOLLY: Spab, man,
forget about it.

Forget about it,
all right?

You showed us the way.
You opened the door. Earl?

I say
the motherfucking
Madison Heights pigs

shouldn't be allowed to
get away with this kind
of shit, man.


I say there's no way

that our Spab
should be treated
with this kind of disrespect.


DOLLY: Spab,
you're a fucking hero.

You saved
Wendy Pfister's life.

I say
fuck kinder-gentler,
that's what else I say.

♪ It's payback time in America

♪ God shed his grace on thee


♪ And crown thy good

ALL: ♪ With brotherhood

♪ From sea to shining sea



How the hell
is it my fault?

You were driving
the whole damn time.


So why the fuck should I be
paying attention to shit
like that?

You're supposed to
be the copilot, Earl.

So, watching
the gas thing

is the copilot's
responsibility now, huh?

Yeah, you know it. Give me a fuckin' break.

You know it.
I got to be dealing with...


SPAB: Everyone
wanted a piece of me.

The only problem was,
there wasn't enough
of me to go around.

I guess Janet was right.

I mean, this whole thing
was like a circle
spinning out of control.

First, you get sucked in,
then you get spun out.

I was somewhere between
getting sucked and
getting spun.

Actually, the whole
thing sucked.

If Joe was alive,
he'd be laughing his ass off

and telling everyone
to fuck off at the same time.

Joe was never subtle.

Me, I had no idea
what I was gonna do.

The only thing I knew for sure
was that road trips aren't all
they're cracked up to be.


Hi there.

How may I help you?

Well, Pamela,
I'd like a room.

The only thing
available tonight is a suite.

Fine, that'll be just fine.

All right.
And your name?

Robert Plant.

SPAB: Hi there.

Cliff Spab
for Bayer Aspirin.

Wendy Pfister,
which do you think
Joe Dice will prefer?

Microwave stuffing or
your potatoes lyonnaise?

Oh, Joe would
definitely prefer
the potatoes lyonnaise.

They're his favorite.

Well, then, Joe,
which is it gonna be?

Wait, what are
my choices again?

Wendy's stuffing.

WENDY: Or Wendy's
potatoes lyonnaise.

I definitely prefer
Wendy's[BEEP] .


Joe Dice, a man so mean
he shot a guy
for snoring too loud.


Hi there! Hi there!
Do you know me?

I like shopping so much,

I've been in the same[BEEP]
store, for Christ knows
how long.

That's why I carry the
American Express card.

And if
you go shopping
in Madison Heights,

don't forget your Visa card
and don't forget your

All right.


I got one more thing to say.

Remember this.

I'm not a hostage.
I just play one on TV.

Atta boy!
That's Remington!

♪ Jesus Christ pose

♪ Arms held out

♪ Like it's
the coming of the Lord

♪ And would it pay you more
to walk on water

♪ Than to wear
a crown of thorns ♪

...coming from?

What kind of signal is it?

Is it music?
Don't know that yet.

So damn what?

MALE NARRATOR: Held hostage
in a convenience store for
36 days.

So what's the point
of talking?

Yeah, you said it.
So damn what?

MALE NARRATOR: He was black.

So damn what?

She was white.

It has a totally
cool sound to it, Cliff.

They were as different
as night and day.

Everybody out
there in TV Land,
say it with me, so damn what?

You say it, Wendy.

So damn what?

Gary Coleman
and Dori Smelling
star in,So Damn What.

The television event
of the decade.

You're at Comedy Central.

Okay, he's standing
way up in this building.


And he shot himself
right smack in the head.



And he, like,
fell right into
this parking lot

like, crunch!


Man, I never...

I... You know,
his final words,

man, I ain't never
gonna forget them, goes,

"So[BEEP] what?"

I mean,

the thought of that just
sends chills right down
to my spine.

WOMAN: Okay,
now, this is still
an unconfirmed report.

Authorities in
Madison Heights
have reason to believe

that the body recovered
earlier this evening,

in a motel parking lot,
is indeed that of Cliff Spab.

An apparent suicide
at the age of 20.

We'll all miss you, Cliff.




WOMAN 1: TVM. How may I
direct your call?

Hi there.

Got a hot
news scoop for you.
Let me talk to somebody.

One moment, please.

TVM news desk,
can I help you?

Yeah. Cliff Spab ain't dead.

He's alive and well,
and I can prove it.

Are you talking
about the Cliff Spab?



Yeah, that's right.

Would he like
to appear on TVM?

Oh, yeah.


♪ I'll have fucking fun
without you

♪ Out until I won't miss you

♪ But I'll govern
everything in your life

♪ I hate your guts
but you don't have to die

♪ I can get drunk

♪ I can get laid

♪ I could get sick

♪ I could get dead

♪ I guess it sucks

♪ That I don't give a fuck

♪ I could do nothing

♪ So fucking what

♪ Now is the time

♪ I have got you alone

♪ I'll cut all the mustard

♪ Right close to the bone

♪ The fuckers will cluster

♪ And flood to the tomb

♪ The banters will banter

♪ The cows will come home

♪ So fucking what

Hi. Cliff Spab here.

I'm not a VJ.
I just play one on TVM.


Hi there.

I want to take you over
to the couch.

These are a couple
of dear friends of mine.

Over here is Peggy, Grace
and Dottie over there.

Let's wave to the camera,
girls, huh?

So, anyway, really,
you get down to it,
you know,

when they first asked me
to be a guest VJ here
on TVM

they said I could
talk about anything I want.

As long as I didn't
use words like[BEEPING] .


And especially not words like
mother[BEEP] .

So I made a promise to them,
you know, not to use
words like...


And especially not any
words like mother[BEEP] .

So, anyway,
I decided to play my
10 most favorite videos,

where they either
sing about[BEEP] ,

show[BEEP] or use
[BEEP] in the title.

"So[BEEP] what?"

The clip you just saw
is based,

I do believe,
on the personal
experiences of yours truly.

But before we go
to that next clip,

see you in a minute, girls,

I'd like to share something
kind of special with you all.

I'd like to
dedicate this to
a very close friend,

who I haven't seen in way
too long.

Wendy, if you're out there,

this Bull's for you.


All right.

All right.
Shut the fuck up!

Time out, time out,
time out, guys.

Look, everybody keep quiet,

so you can hear what
Spab has to say, okay?

Okay, Spab is ready
for your questions.

Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab,
Mr. Spab, Mr. Spab.

Mr. Spab, how do you explain
the behavior on those tapes?

And why do you suppose
that Split Image made
those tapes?

You know,
I don't know.
I never figured out

what the pantyhose guys

I guess they were just bored
shitless, like the rest of us.

Maybe they were just trying
to get through it, you know.

We didn't know the
fucking world was watching.


Could you describe for us,

the situation
that led to your
escape from the Fun Stop?

Yeah, we ran out of beer.


Liked that one, huh?

Mr. Spab? Mr. Spab, do you
consider yourself
an alcoholic?

I don't have to
consider myself nothing

with all you reporters
doing it for me.

Mr. Spab, exactly what is it
that you're rebelling against?

Well, that depends,
what you got, huh?


Mr. Spab?

Mr. Spab, I would like to know
why you can't be a little
more serious

in your answers?

Hey, look, this is
the way I am, okay?

Don't be taking me
so fucking seriously.

Mr. Spab,
what can you
say about Joe Dice?

Well, there's nothing to
say about Joe, is there?
He's gone.

I miss him.

Do you think he will care
that I'm wearing
a Free Cliff Spab shirt?

He'll love it.
You look great.
He'll be glad to see you.


Hey! Trippy legs!

How you doing, bro?

Whoa! Look at
that big bottle of
beer you got there.

I'm a big guy.
Kristen, this is Clifford.

Clifford, Kristen.

Hi. Hi.

Let's go. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

How's everybody doing?

I knew that dead guy
wasn't you. Didn't I say?

Yeah. It's too bad though.

Your school papers and shit
would've gone for twice the
fucking cash, bro.

[STUTTERS] Excuse me,
you're Cliff Spab.

Yeah, that's right.

He ain't Patty Hearst,
buddy, huh?

He saved
Wendy Pfister's life.

Oh, we know, we saw it.
That was something.

Who do I have the pleasure
of meeting?

Oh, I'm Phil Connors, oh,
and this is my wife, Rita.

Hi, Rita.

Hi, how nice to meet you.

What do you say
we take these guys
hostage with us, huh?

BOTH: Yeah!

Come on, come on, Phil,
Rita, come party with us!

No, no,
we're supposed
to meet some people.

ALL: Aw!

What do you say, Rita?

So fucking what!


Let's party!
Come on, Phil!

Party down!

Yeah, here it is.

Oh, wow.

This is class.

This is great.
What'd I tell you, huh?


Over here.


Hey, Cliff, does this go
in the bathtub?

The beer ball goes
at the bar, right there.

Oh, we got a bar.

Hey, Scott, tell Spab
about the concert.

What concert is that?

Clifford, you want to see
Spiral Jet, Friday night?

They want you
to introduce them.

Yes, I do! Cool!

Rita, where are you?

How about a beer?
You want a Bullseye
or a Heineken?

Uh, Heineken.

Yeah, you look like
a Heinie kinda girl
to me.

I hope that's good.

Oh, that is good.

You want a beer?No.

Come on.

SCOTT: Hey, Clifford,
you know, Kristen there
is your biggest fan.

Oh, yeah?Yeah.

But it's not like
I want to fuck you
or anything.

I think we should go.

No, sweetheart,
let's just stay
a little longer.

You got to
live to learn, Phil.

You got
to live to learn.
Now, who said that?

Being your brother has made me
real popular with the ladies.

Oh, that's great, Scott.
I'm glad it's finally
working for you.

I just want to hang around,
you know, hear what you
gotta say.

Mmm, well, I don't know shit.


See, that is so Spab.


That is Spab.

That is Spab,
you're right.

That is Spab.


Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Cliff Spab.




Thank you!

Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab. Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab.


Spab. Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab. Spab.

Spab. Spab. Spab.
Spab. Spab. Spab.












CROWD: Spab! Spab! Spab!






Hey, Wendy.

Hi, Spab.

This is it.

Where are you supposed to go
buy a beer now, huh?

I heard they want
to tear this down

and then turn
the whole place
into a memorial park.

God damn it!

Is that what
it all boils down to?
A fucking memorial park?

That's one way
to live forever.

I'd like to live forever,
but only for a little while.

Spab, you are so full of shit.

You know, you try to
come off as just some guy.

But you're not just some guy.

You've got a message.


What's my message?

Your message is that
there is no message.

Nothing really matters.

The message is,
"So fucking what."

You keep saying it,
but nobody really
hears you.


I'm sorry to break
the bad news to you, Wendy.

I'm full of shit.

There are plenty of things
that matter to me
in this world.

Yeah, like what?

Like you.

There's something
I keep thinking about.

SPAB: Hmm?

Maybe even
trying to explain

what happened in the store
is just pointless, you know.

I mean, how do
you explain something
like that to somebody?

You can't.

There is one way.

You could lock them
in a room for 36 days.

They might
understand then.

You have to let them
watch some people die.


Fuck it.

Let's face it, Spab,

we have this
little understanding.

Nobody else knows
what it's all about.

It's like a disease.

Madison Heights Syndrome.

Madison Heights Syndrome.

If you don't have it,

you can never understand it.


Let's not even bother
trying to explain it
to anybody else.

If you weren't in
that store with us...

You can shut the fuck up
right now.

You know,

maybe Spab thought things
would be the same way
they always were.

I mean,
I know I thought
once I got out of there,

I'd just be going back
to Ozell Park High on
Monday morning.

Things have just been
really weird

since getting out
of that store.

If you think about it enough,
you can go nuts.

That's one of Spab's
favorite lines, by the way.

Anyway, anyway,
I guess I've talked enough,

so it's time to meet the guy
that made all this possible,

Mr. "So fucking what" himself,
Cliff Spab.


Thank you.

Thank you.

So fucking what!

So fucking what!

So fucking what!

So fucking what! Okay.

So fucking what!
So fucking what!
So fucking what!

SPAB: Standing
out there on the stage
of Madison Heights High,

I was suddenly
knocked on my ass with
this strange sort of feeling.

It wasn't just the cheering.
I wasn't really sure
what it was.

So I just stood there
looking stupid

for what
seemed like a long time
trying to figure it all out.

There was nothing
I could do,

except wait for the chanting
to die down.

But the noise only
grew louder and louder.


Everything matters!

Wendy Pfister and Cliff Spab

were shot this morning at
a Madison Heights high
school assembly.

Witnesses say Spab had just
stepped up to the microphone,

when three shots rang out.

Pfister was standing nearby.

After witnessing the shooting,

of grief-stricken students
refused to return to class,

leaving the campus
a virtual ghost town.

Madison Heights
high school senior,
Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

was arraigned
in court today

in connection
with the shooting of
Wendy Pfister and Cliff Spab.

Why did you fire
the first shot?

Everything matters.


Are you a friend of
Cliff Spab?

total responsibility

for everything they say,
do and feel.

Babs Wyler was
a perpetrator of violence
and a dangerous reactionary.

The American people
can rest assured

that all the resources
of this office

will be used to make sure
that Babs Wyler...

...the national scholastic
merit award

for her essay,
"Everything Matters".

It's about a new generation
of young people
who take total responsibility

for everything they say,
do and feel.

This is about
the first amendment.

What Babs did was an act
of symbolic free speech.

Now the issue here is
whether we should punish

a brilliant,
gifted young woman

for bringing the message
of responsibility,

hope and optimism to the
world? I don't think so.

Madison Heights county jail,
where dozens of protesters

are staging
an all-night vigil...

MALE REPORTER: Day after day,
we have watched with

a straight-A student,
Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

an anything but ordinary
young American

has been catapulted
from suburban obscurity

to international fame.

Tonight, in a live interview
from Madison Heights
county jail,

we will learn all about
Babs' philosophy for
a new age,

a philosophy in which
everything matters.

Those are the words
of Barbara "Babs" Wyler,

the courageous young woman
we have come to care about
so deeply.

Babs has been through more
in the past few weeks

than most of us will
experience in a lifetime.

But through it all
she has retained
her dignity,

refusing to be reduced to
the level of her detractors.

When she emerged
from her terrible ordeal,

she found herself

and her "Everything Matters"
philosophy intact.

In short, Babs Wyler
has been transformed

from a typical
American teenager

into an atypical
American phenomenon.

Tonight, for the first time,

we'll get to spend an hour
with Babs in the privacy
of her own home.

Babs, what are your
impressions of
Cliff Spab?

I must be very careful
of what I say about
Cliff Spab.

But why?



Hey, Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

How about another beer?

How about a bag of gumnuts?

How about
a stale burrito?

How about
some 3-in-1 oil
for your folding chair?

How about a bath
in the sink?

How about a song?

Hey, Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

Wendy. Spab.

We're getting married
or what?

Hey, guy,
you fucking know it.


♪ You talk your shit

♪ But I ain't listenin'

♪ And I don't do

♪ No ass kissin'

♪ Now here's the point

♪ That you been missin'

♪ No fuckin' problem at all

♪ Ain't got
no fucking problem

♪ Ain't got
no fucking problem at all

♪ Ain't got
no fucking problem

♪ I got
no fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem

♪ You think you know

♪ Everything and more

♪ But a surprise

♪ You'll be in for

♪ Add it all up

♪ And you got no score

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ You play the part

♪ That I got no use

♪ Don't mean a thing

♪ 'Cause you got no juice

♪ I live in peace

♪ I don't need a truce

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem at all

♪ No fucking problem

♪ I got a piece

♪ But not to the puzzle

♪ No time to think

♪ Staring down a muzzle

♪ I rise above

♪ And watch you fizzle

♪ No fucking problem at all