Réveillon chez Bob (1984) - full transcript

DOCTEUR B. MARTIN: ENT

There you go.

-That's a lot!
-It's worth it. You'll see.

Know how to use it?

Hey!

That's right, sorry.
I'll contact you at 8:00 PM.

Test, test, one, two.
One, two, three. Check, check in.

Kiwi calling Jaguar.

You're draining the batteries,
Kremeur! It's not a toy.

Attention, please.

Swissair flight 983 from Dallas
is now arriving



at gate number 19.

Attention please,

Swissair flight 983 from Dallas
is now arriving

at gate number 19.

For those who care,
this guy with the passport is me.

Louis Alban. I'm an artist.
I do children's drawings.

Distinguishing features:
enormous, world-renowned talent,

and charm!

Louis Alban is fed up.

You're back just in time
for New Year's Eve.

I'm hosting everyone tonight,
it's unbelievable:

my wife's folks…

Fed up with what?
Well, taxi drivers who have it out for me,

with my impresario here,
who wants what's best for me…



Fed up with people who like me
too much, or not enough,

with winter…

In sum, things are going terribly.
Things are great.

OK then…

There's no way out of it tonight.

They keep coming back.

Christmas wasn't enough for them!
They're having it at Bob's again.

There's going to be cake, though.

Cake? Who cares?
Your dad's place is so boring.

Sure, but cherry clafoutis…

It's boring, period!

Hey!

I might have planned
a little something for you all.

I said "might."

MY ROOM (SMALLER AND SMALLER)
MOM AND BOB'S ROOM

MR. LOUIS ALBAN
SWITZERLAND

Dear Dad, this is our new house.

So, you can get some idea of it.
It's very ugly.

Mom has a boyfriend.
He's alright. His name is Bob.

She says I need a dad around the house.

She seems happy. I'm more worried:
he's decided to educate me.

This is the first time in my life
I've gotten smacked upside the head.

He says it's for my own good.
I don't want to bother Mom about it.

I hope I'll just get used to it.

Happy new year, my lonely little dad.

New Year's Eve will be without you,
but I love you. Jeremie.

… need a dad around the house.

She seems happy. I'm more worried:
he's decided to educate me.

This is the first time in my life
I've gotten smacked upside the head.

He says it's for my own good.

I don't want to bother Mom about it.
I hope I'll just get used to it.

So, have I told you about my father?

The Cyclone?

The Cyclone.

He's supposed to be coming tonight.

Dad invited him?

I invited him. It's a surprise.

It's my new-year's present for Bob.

He won't come. Why would he come
if Dad didn't invite him?

They're going to ruin their eyes
in the dark like this.

Get the pizza while it's hot.

Shit, it moved!

Jeremie, you know I don't like it
when you say bad words.

Yes, Mom. Sorry.

How are you, Mom?

I'm great, sweetie, why?

Oh, just wondering.

Have fun.

The Cyclone will come. Lights.

What's the Cyclone doing in Switzerland?

Lakes, silence, taxes…

The Swiss climate is exactly what he needs
for his nerves right now.

He's not coming!

-Are you from around here?
-Who's asking?

-Know this kid?
-Oh, what a cute kid.

I know that, where does he live?

Have you counted how many windows
there are?

And what if I say "Bob"?

His names Bob? That's new.

It's true. There's not many kids
named Bob these days.

You can't stay parked there.
It'll look abandoned.

There's lots of parking lots down below.
See you around.

Let's go, boys!

Kiwi to Jaguar, Kiwi to Jaguar:
German car, Swiss plates.

Strong personality.

Copy that, Kiwi. Over and out.

So, Miss Know-It-All, are you surprised?

How'd you get him to come?

I think I said the right words.

He's coming in five minutes.
Dad didn't invite him. What's so funny?

He won't be here in five. He doesn't have
the address, and he won't get it.

He'll be wandering out, getting upset,
and that's the funny part.

Shit!

Shit…

Oh…

Shit.

…the one about the woman
who swallows a fishbone,

have you heard that one?

She's choking, and her husband says,
"Honey, swallow some wine."

And with her last breath, she says…

"I can't. I'm on a diet."

"I can't. I'm on a diet!"

Weak, Bob. Weak.

One, two, three, four, five, fix…

Can I help you?

-One, two, three, bitch…
-His name is Martin?

-four, five, fix…
-No, his name's Bob!

Bob, Bob… Sorry,
but that's a name for a hat.

No, it's a nickname.

Am I disturbing you?

Hold this.

Give me a leg up, please.

Of course. Will that be all?

Here we go.

Push, God damn it!

-Bob?
-Bob!

-Bob Martin!
-Bob Martin!

Are you sure it's here?

Why don't we go see the concierge?

I told you, I've been here before.

Let's try… that one.

Or, no, wait. That one. I recognize it.

I don't see it here.

OK. Let's go see the concierge.

Oh, well… He started early.

I'd like to see him at midnight.

Poor guy. I'm going to give him… 50.

It's a special occasion.

Huh?

I'm going to try English.

We cherche Bob Martin.

Bob Martin.

A doctor, un médecin. A handsome guy.

For the réveillon.

How much clearer could I be?
You try. You're a woman.

So, answer me: what time is it?

-I don't understand…
-Bob Martin.

For New Year's Eve.

Forget it. You're scaring her.

Oh, well, you're a godsend!
It's all right, ma'am, goodbye!

What happened?

Are you a local?

Nice to meet you. Thierry Hubert,
as in Thierry Hubert cars.

People call me TH.
I'm looking for Bob Martin.

Oh… no…

What a talent!

Kiwi to Jaguar, Kiwi to Jaguar:
there are three of them now.

They're all lost.

This is absurd!
I've been here twenty times!

I'm Florence, but I go by Flo.
What's your name?

Every time, I get mixed up.
But I'm not that stupid!

Don't apologize. I've been here 200 times.
I've even slept over.

Christ, this guy's a downer…

Oh, honey, your pants are all torn
in the back!

What's your costume?

The descent of Pentecost.

Honey, we have all night

for introductions.
Give some space to Mr.…?

Alban. Louis Alban.

OK then! Louis,

we're going to the same place,
let's stick together.

Plan A: We call Bob's place.
Plan B, if necessary,

is TH's memory. I've been here.
It's on the 7th floor.

-No, the 19th.
-Right, the 19th, I told you so!

Huh?

Stay there, Kiwi. Don't touch anything.
Jaguar, over and out.

Thierry Hubert? With some floozy?

What the hell is he doing here?

Telefono?

Grazie mille.

We're not really going to walk up
19 flights, are we?

No, baby. Give your feet a rest.
We'll come back with the solution.

Prego. Aperitif? Cocktail?

Si, si, muchas gracias.

What's going on? They're not answering.

It's a big cabin.

What cabin?

Shh! I'm calling my wife.

The other times, I came with her.

Addresses, maps, itineraries:
that's all her.

My Suzie's a real compass.

She's got all the phone numbers, too.

Well, almost all! If you see what I mean.

Not to toot my own horn, but…

I'm not your average lady-killer!

Of course, Bob's another story!

Let me tell you, he's a real lady's man!

He drives 'em crazy!

With him, they usually end up
in a sanitarium!

I mean, I'm sure you know.

-Right.
-What business are you in?

Drawings, and shoes, too.

Right… Say, what do you think of Flo?

Flo? Who's Flo?

The girl out there. Cute, right?
She's my new accountant.

She's on a trial period.
Three months. I'm not crazy.

She's so excited for this New Year's Eve.
She likes me.

Miss. Another?

-Oh, no, no…
-Go ahead, it's on the house.

-No, because… Then…
-Go ahead.

If I have a third,

I'll be totally tipsy,
and then I'll talk too much…

What's so special about this Bob Martin?

-Bob?
-Yes.

Oh, Bob, he's priceless.
No one throws a party like him.

Ah…

I've got 2000 of 'em in here.

-2000 what?
-Bardins.

What are you looking at?
It's Martin, not Bardin.

Oh, right. Martin.

I don't know. The shock, the cold,
the pills, the jet lag…

Jetlag? Why,

-where are you in from?
-Dallas.

Dallas, of course.

OK, well, there's 200,000 Martins here.

Do you know Bob's girlfriend?

Martine?

-Madeleine.
-Right, Madeleine.

I hear she's a real slut!

Shit, you're bleeding!

-Will it stain?
-No, it's just fruit.

It's niente.

Hey, tell him how good he looks in this!

He wouldn't put it on.

He was bleeding.

Isn't this better? You can breathe, now!

Leave me alone.

-Fits him like a glove.
-I told you, I don't care.

OK, see you later.

What about Bob?

-No answer.
-What do we do, then?

We walk up the 19 flights.

Overalls are very modern.

I'd look ridiculous in them, but you…

That's enough, all right?

They're leaving the pizzaiolo.

They're entering the… hydrangeas!

It's 21:42 PM, we're still on schedule.

Listen to that!
That's Bob, I'm sure of it!

I'm sure it'll show.

Relax, baby! Be like Louis!

Oh, you're cute!

It's different. Did they repaint?

They must have.

-Is Bob here?
-Why wouldn't he be?

Robert! Roby!

Coming through!

-Someone's here for you!
-Hey, friend!

I'm wasted. I don't know where I live.

I've been mixing everything…

Who's this? Let me borrow you.

I'll bring her back later! Alive!
Look, everyone!

Look at this!

I think we screwed up.

Let's go. I'm nauseous.

I'm a tad thirsty.

Thierry, please!

We'll grab a drink and be on our way.

Please tell me there's something
other than mint tea?

Thank you.

Heart. How can you eat heart?

Apparently, it gets you hard.
What're you having?

I don't want to drink or get hard.
I just want to have fun.

And at Bob Martin's. Period.

Louis! Live a little. Look at them…

I'm looking.

I'm looking.

Don't you see anything?

No, what?

I don't know… Flo.

All those guys around her, flirting,
touching her. I mean, I imagine.

Let them!

Listen to TH, Louis.
The secret with women is trust.

Do you trust anyone here?

It's all about the reel, as Bob says.

First you hook 'em, then you reel 'em in.

Hook, reel. Hook, reel.

And all those algae at the bottom,
I couldn't care less!

Have you seen them?

They look like…

Ski instructors?

Why do you say that? About my wife?

-No reason.
-No, tell me.

Really, nothing.

OK, it's not that I'm bored,

but can you reel your fish in
so we can raise anchor?

I might make a little phone call.

Florence!

Where were you?

Were you cheating on me?
Come on, come dance with me.

I need some air.

What the hell is she doing?

She's not there… I don't get it.

What's wrong?

-What is it, Thierry?
-There's no answer.

What's wrong?

A chair, quick,
bring a chair for my friend!

It's nothing. It's your wine.

He'll be fine. We're not going far.
Just to Bob Martin's, the doctor.

-Do you know him?
-Do I know Bob?

Didn't he save Checkroun?

-No, that's not him.
-He lives in the Geranium tower.

No, he's the one who treated
the Zeitoun twins for rubella.

-No…
-The one from Peony Tower!

Peony Tower? Rubella?

-A rubella from hell!
-No, no,

-It was chickenpox!
-No…

They were covered in pox!

Bob Martin, he's a cardiologist,
the one from

-Bougainvillea Tower.
-No!

-Samy's father went to see him!
-No!

Don't bring up Samy's father, OK?

He owes the family two million!

-Oh, calm down…
-Two million!

-Why'd you mention Samy's father?
-Six months!

Calm down!

It's always the same with you!

I can shout, too!

My jacket!

Bye! See you later!

God damn, she's fine!

He smelled like B.O., he stepped on my
feet and dislocated my arm,

and fed me champagne. Thanks a lot.

No one forced you to dance
with a stranger.

It's not my fault
you can't find the place!

Jesus Christ, cut it out!
This is bad enough already!

Hey!

We're off-topic here.
We're expected at Bob's!

Yeah.

It's late. Bob must be worried sick.

And we're just standing around.
How rude of us!

Exactly, we should go.

OK… I recognize this. I'm sure of it!

Come on. I know where to go.

Look, TH, you seem a bit out of sorts.

So, temporarily,
let's put your intuitions on hold.

Let's try a new method.
We'll work with what we have. Which is?

The rubella from Geranium Tower.

What do you say, Flo?

Sure.

I've already had rubella,
and you can't catch it twice.

TH, the Peony Tower chickenpox?

And I'll take
the Bougainvillea heart attack.

OK, friends. We must split up.

But we're going to save a lot of time.
Let's move!

Whatever happens,
meet back here in half an hour.

TH…

Half an hour, OK?

My turn again… And now I smell like B.O.

Chickenpox…

Have I had chickenpox?

Copy that. Over and out.

-Friends, they've split up.
-So?

So, they're losing time.

-And if he just loses?
-He's got till midnight.

Is Cyclone going to sleep at midnight?

She's not wrong.
Are you sure you've got it right?

I've got some wild cards.

Who gave me up?

You'd better start talking.
Are you alone? Where are the others?

You're a bit young for Douglas.
My name is Douglas.

My friends call me Doug.
I don't have any friends.

Nice place you've got here…

What?

Nothing, I…

What do you use all this for?

I shoot at kids, and dogs, and cars.

Mostly kids. Anything that makes noise.
I can't stand noise.

Oh? You scared me.

I'm sorry to bother you about this,
but among your neighbors…

Let me stop you right there.
I don't have a neighbor.

Eliminated, denounced. Anonymous letters
to city hall. Gone!

What can I do for you?

Nothing. Really. I'm looking… No!
Well, my wife is on a ski trip.

Ouch!

Why?

No reason.

Why'd you say "ouch"?

The snow, the ski-lifts, the instructors,

the coffee-shop vibes, cheese fondue,
lingering eye contact…

And night falls early!

When did she leave?

-Last night.
-Too late.

Shit! Snow is worse than anything.

Oh? You, too?

No, for me it's dance.
I had the yoga instructor in my sights,

and my wife ran off with the tap dance
teacher. Talk about noisy.

Would you mind if I made a phone call?

As you wish.

No funny business, OK?
Short sentences, simple verbs.

One word I don't understand,
and you're dead.

I apologize. I can…

I'm letting it ring. It's a big cabin.

Oh, my God…

This is all very nice, but…

Unfortunately, I have a serious problem

to attend to, it's urgent.

-So do we.
-Yeah.

Plus, really, I'm no big deal.

No big deal?

Will you stop talking nonsense?

I say and do what I please.

This is absurd!

Don't you like it in there?

Don't make me use this!
I've got bullets for everyone!

Is that clear?

Now that everyone's calmed down,

I want to know everything
about your neighbors.

-On the left?
-Awkward,

47 years old, businessman…

Oh, and very uptight.

No, not him.

Oh, that's good!

That's not very smart, Thierry.
You'll catch cold.

So?

Tragic…

No answer from Meribel.

And you?

Great. And our piece of business?

Oh, man…

Do you think my wife is cheating on me?

Yes, of course.

Really?

Oh my God…

After everything I've done for her…

What didn't I do?

For twenty years now, for her,
I've been selling

dangerous cars, real lemons,
winding back odometers…

I'm a thug, Louis. A murderer.

-Oh…
-A murderer!

You're getting down on yourself,

but you're a good guy, Thierry, really.

-Really?
-Yes!

It's these women who ruin our lives!

And the instant you ask
for a moment to yourself,

they run off to humiliate us
with a red beanie or a white coat.

It's intolerable!

Yeah. You're right. It's disgusting!

Are you married?

Never. Are you nuts?

You've got great intuition.

Exactly.

That's why we're going to Bob's.
To put our problems in the grave.

Exactly!

You're not going to believe me,
but the worst part is I've been here!

She found it. She found it!

What a girl!

Kiwi to Jaguar, Kiwi to Jaguar.

The two slackers are soaking wet.
It's 28 degrees out.

The girl ran out on them. What do we do?

Jaguar, do you copy?

Jaguar, do you copy?

Oh, your dad makes me laugh
so hard, Lilou.

Are you having fun?

Have fun!

It's almost bedtime, remember.
I'll come tuck you in.

And don't turn the light off, OK, Jeremie?

Sorry, but at least she's having fun.

It's crazy, her obsession with the dark.

-Where are you going?
-One last phone call to Meribel.

Don't be an ass, Louis. Let me call.

Florence, what the hell is this?
And where's Bob?

I kept asking them, I swear,

but I had to stop mentioning Bob.
It was turning them on.

What about all the signs from the balcony?

That wasn't me. I've been in here.

Did we go for a swim?

As a matter of fact,
I've been running around looking.

And TH?

TH is imagining something.

Did he talk to you about me?

Did he talk to you about me?

Yes. You're all he can think about.

Babysitter, my ass! You whore!

Whore!

-Are you married?
-I was.

And it didn't stick?

No, it was great. She died… at sea.

That's horrible!

So, there's no one to take care of you?

Your shirts, and pants, and underwear?
How do you manage?

-Is the weed or is it me?
-No, it's the hot and cold.

You can't stay like this!
Let me take care of you.

-It's fine.
-No, it's not.

-Really, it's fine.
-No, it's not!

It's fine!

Hey! Turn the boogie down!
I'm on a call here!

What'd she say, exactly?

You look great like this.

I don't care.

What's going on? Are you tired?

No, I just think you're attractive
like this.

Don't get your hopes up. I'm faithful.

But to whom?

To my memories.
I only have one woman in my life.

-Not like him.
-What do you mean?

How long is he going to bore us
with his little wife Meribel?

You can't say that!

TH is doing his best to find Bob.

His best…

I'm going to kill them all!

Let me through!

Let me through! I'll kill them!

Come on.

-Who does he want to kill?
-Ski instructors.

All of them!

Thank you, young man.

Why doesn't he just go see
his whining old lady?

Oh, this is the worst!

And my heels… I left them…

Later! We must catch up with TH.
He could be dangerous.

Do you have socks in that box, by chance?

That'd be really lucky.

-What size are you?
-Seven and a half!

-You hit him!
-You think?

Go on, get out!

-What'd he say?
-I don't know.

I've got spare tires!

You got a spare radiator, too?

Oh…

What'd I ever do to you?
Why are you being mean to me?

I'm not being mean. Quite the contrary.

I'm starting to grow attached to you.

-Really?
-Yes.

I need you, you know.
We're the same, you and I.

-Really?
-Yes.

I've got a problem, too. My wife. My wife.

The one who drowned?

Drowned? What's going on?

My wife. Bob stole her from me.
I came to find her.

That's it.

Oh, man… I've got a migraine…

Is there a kid in the mix?

No. Fortunately.

Fortunately.

-Bob is such an asshole!
-Yes.

So, Thierry,

why don't we solve my problem,
and then we'll solve yours.

-You swear?
-I swear.

Are you kidding me? What about me?

I'm just sitting here like an idiot,

stuck with these two cucks,
one of whom is a killer,

and I haven't said a word in ages!
Well now I'm going to speak up!

Thanks. Thanks for everything.

The idiot is leaving!

You, stay here!

No one's ever hit me before.

This is the first time I've been hit!

Calm down.

He didn't hurt you.

No? Look.

You know Louis.
He can be a little impulsive.

He didn't hit you hard.

All right! Enough of this.

We're in this together,
for better or for worse, OK?

OK.

I'll stay, but on three conditions.
One: stop hitting me.

Two: he stops calling his wife.

And three, I demand shoes.

What an asshole, this Bob!

I'm going to ruin his life!

Got any ideas?

I think I have one. Just one,

but a genius one!

Wrong number. Move along!

Oh, it's you!

They're with me.

The little lady stays outside.

Why?

Because only cuckolds are welcome here,

-and no one else.
-Oh, well…

-Do you vouch for her?
-Of course.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah, I get it: cuckolds
and ugly boots, thanks!

It's only temporary.

Temporary, my ass!

Calm down, Douglas, calm down.

A 36 caliber. A defensive weapon, OK,

but still, crashing a car worth this much…

Say, Mr. Jeremie:

don't you think your treasure hunt
is going sour?

And that's not all. Right now,

they're making a pact
with the psycho in Peony Tower!

We're heading for trouble.

What'd I say?

Blood.

Blood!

Hello? There's blood everywhere!

Yeah. Try this.

It's not for pansies!

So…

Lilou? Liliane Martin, you said?

No. No, I don't know her.

I'm not crazy, am I? Earlier, he said…

Didn't you tell me you shot at kids?

-Yes.
-You bragged?

No, sir! But I'm alone

in this battle!

Do you know how many yammering little
rug rats there are here? Nearly 1200!

So, I do my part.

But of course, a few get away…

What about Jeremie?

Then I say, "fire."

-Sorry?
-Jeremie from Cyclamens?

A dirty, rotten little bastard!

Thanks. He's my son.

Your son? What son?

And the lying continues…

Lies, or modesty, call it what you will.

Bob took everything from me.
My wife, my son.

I've been reduced to nothing but grief.

That's vile.

This Bob doesn't sound like
such a nice guy.

Still, when it comes to making a racket,
your Jeremie's a terror.

Poor little guy… What do you expect?
He's half-orphaned.

In my day, he was well-behaved.

He used to read a lot.

But with Bob, he gets the radio
turned on full blast, people shouting,

getting hit upside the head…

and probably… this little cubby hole:

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Near the garbage chute.

Separation is terrible.

I did everything I could
to hold my marriage together.

Put yourself in my shoes.

Sometimes, it's just too much for him.

He puts his nose to the window
and screams. He lets it all out.

And you take that screaming
as an aggression, but it's…

It's a song. A plea for help.

A lament.

I had no idea.

That changes things.

Finish your drinks,
and let's go free this little martyr.

Dad is a child. A born comedian,
a shameless liar.

He's jealous, sensitive, possessive…

-And armed!
-Yes. That's the snag.

-Is this the first time?
-The gun?

To my knowledge, yes. I don't get it.

Usually, he breaks walls with his head.

Often?

Every time we move out.
Twice a year on average.

He dumped us, me and Mom,

like a pair of old socks, five years ago.
Do the math.

Very consistent!

He can't help it! Mom and I belong to him.

So, all it takes is getting one Bob

or another involved with Madeleine,

and Dad is guaranteed
to burn the whole world down!

Amazing!

Diabolical!

I read in "Science" that imagination
is hereditary.

Plus, as I'm sure you already know,

the children of divorcees
are often screwed up,

out of control, and uncontrollable.

Jaguar to Kiwi, Jaguar to Kiwi:
white alert!

White? Hang on, white?

Which one is that, again?

OK, I'm coming.

Thanks, everyone. Finally, some action.
I was starting to rust up there.

The shit's about to hit the fan!

It's here.

OK, let's recap. I shoot up the lamps.

Blackout. You, in the dark,
you distract everyone.

You make off with your hostage.

Total time: 45 seconds, max. Excuse me.

Go on, I'll cover you!

-Did they repaint?
-Shh!

Turn the lights on, instead of…

What the hell is this?

Careful! This smells like a trap.

There.

Oh, bother…

My little man…

I'm out of my depth.

What are they doing to you?

What are you making me do?

Where could you be?

-I'm going to check the bathroom.
-OK, OK.

There's no juice!

Tired, Louis?

What's that?

The phone cords.
Some people don't keep their promises.

No, what you're wearing.

Borrowed from your wife.

Do you like me like this, Louis?

God damn, it's oak.

They're at Mom's.

Your mother's?

Isn't that a red alert?

Keep a cool head, Kremeur.

So?

-Hey!
-It's red.

Finally! I was freaking out.

God damn it…

There's no trace of a man here.

Nothing but a woman's scent.

I don't understand.

I understand everything.

Everything. Your wife is still here.

It's overwhelming, huh?

You're touching, like this.
A lost little orphan.

If we weren't so confused,

I'd make love to you.
And dinner, and children, perhaps.

-But we barely know each other.
-Sure, but I can feel our chemistry.

Calm down, kiddo.

Me, calm down?

You want me to be calm?
With the psycho in there

and his rifle? He's going to kill us all
before long!

I thought I'd won him over.

Won him over? Oh, my God…

Patience! We make a good team!

We're going to find him!

I'LL HAVE YOUR HIDE YOU SON OF A BITCH
D.

GO SCREW YOURSELF SHITHEAD

Louis, you sadden me. Look at the reality.

Honestly, Louis! He's screwing your wife,

torturing your son, and you want
to give up. It makes me sick!

Listen, man. We had a deal, you and I.

While you're sulking
on your little car here,

there might be a ski instructor
making an ass of me!

And that's killing me! Understand?

Fine, that's all well and good,
but my brains have gone to mush!

You can't understand.

Go over the whole sector!

Louis, your son,

it's personal for me now!

I see him, I can feel it, it kills me!

This kid is ours, now, Louis,
don't you get it?

I'm ready to be a mother!

The opportunity hasn't come along
quite yet,

but you have no idea
how intensely I feel for you!

The need to… to take care of him,
to bring him some warmth,

some love!

That's beautiful.

But I need warmth, too! I need love!

So?

You idiots!

Oh, God, not the psycho!

You scared the hell out of me!
What are you up to?

Nothing… Louis wasn't feeling well.

I'll perk you right up, Louis!

Look at this! "New Year's Eve
at Bob Martin's, Orchid Tower,"

with an arrow! Thanks, Doug!

There's tons over there!

Piece of cake!

Who's this?

Oh, God, no…

-The Loukoums…
-Yes!

The descendent of Borgia. Himself.
In the flesh.

Are you taking the night off, or what?
I forgot, you don't like money.

There's a time for business
and a time for love.

Are you on a case, Caruzo?

We're getting nowhere.

Do you know where Bob Martin's place is?
I've got a date with a little blonde,

a real bombshell.

Shit, the blacks!

Isn't that good news?

"Thanks, Doug!"

Yes, I recognize this!

Right, right, sure you do.

NEW YEAR'S EVE BOB MARTIN

DANGER DO NOT ENTER

It's cast iron.

Thanks, Doug.

Red alert terminated. Cleaning phase
underway. Posters recuperated.

-We can breathe easy.
-Sure, but for how long?

Jaguar to Porpoise. Jaguar to Porpoise.

This is Porpoise, over.

How's it going up there, Porpoise?

The party's winding down. I repeat,

the party's winding down. And you?

All's quiet again. I repeat, all's…
Oh my God!

Oh my God, what? I repeat:
Oh my God, what?

One second, Porpoise.

Pinch me, Mr. Jaguar.
Do you see what I see?

Shit, shit, shit… Shit!

You see traps everywhere!

Maybe, but this guy's kid isn't clean.

Thierry, please,
can you tell him to get off my case?

No! That's too easy!
You come bother me on New Year's Eve,

expose me to the night air,
make me take absurd risks,

and I'm not allowed to have an opinion?

Can someone turn the lights on?
The dark is bad luck for me.

No problem. One second, my darling.

Fuses…

are my thing.

There. Just takes a little skill.

Why are we working our butts off
to go down

when we want to go the 19th floor?

First, we have to find an exit.

-Here.
-There what?

We'll bust through.
I'm not going to rot in here!

Me neither.

What do we break it with, our heads?

With powder.

No way. I respect your convictions,
so please,

respect mine. No noise in this complex!

Don't tell me you planned for this?
Not all this?

I'm going to admit something, Kremeur.
I'm just slightly out of my depth.

Well then…

While you're admitting things,
is your father…

like you? In his head, I mean.

Mom says so.

Well, in that case…

NEW YEAR'S EVE BOB MARTIN

You think now's the time
to be shelling peas?

I'm exhausted!

Stop whining, Douglas.

Do what I do. Think of something else.

Focus on something that makes you happy,
like a knife,

or a cleaver, or a club. A big old club.

Yes! With big spikes! Yes.

I can't say no to that.

But I'm having trouble focusing,

because I'm thinking about what TH
and his prostitute are doing back there

instead of helping us.

They're having a wonderful love story.

So shell, shell!

I'm going…

Oh, they're so cute!

Oh, I'm dizzy… I need to throw up.

A kiss for Jean-Marc.

A kiss for Lilou.

A kiss for François.

And a big smacker
for my darling little thug.

Jeremie?

Jeremie!

Fine, but this is the first and last time,
all right?

-Promise?
-I swear.

I can't breathe! We're going to die!

Nothing doing. It's reinforced.

That's it, guys.

I'm dying.

Don't be so negative!

Think about tomorrow!

When you're out of here,
I'll take you on a trip.

Méribel Les Allues, snow,

fresh air, silence!

Are you kidding!

We're going to end up like him. Stuffed.
The big sleep…

I've been around the block:
Tonkin, Cochinchina, Hauts Plateaux,

but I've never seen anything like this.

Bravo, kid, you're a master!

-A master!
-Don't get ahead of yourself.

You see what I see?

That's mine.

Which one is Mrs. Kremeur?

The one with the dogs.

If you'd known her in '54,
before the disaster…

-Her skin was like lychee…
-And the girl with her?

Oh, that's… You're embarrassing me,
Mr. Jeremie.

I see. So, if I understand correctly,

the little sisters back there will be
operational in seven or eight years?

Sooner.

Now that I can see better,

I can say that we're screwed.

Where's that from?

Taiwan.

What'd he see? The Madonna?

Louis?

Louis! Loulou?

You're upset, aren't you?

If it's about my car, don't worry.

A fresh coat of paint, and I'll find
a jackass to sell her to.

We're at Madeleine's.

This is Jeremie's.

From Arcachon, seven years ago.

Hey! Louis!

Can you hear me? It's TH!

It's Flo! It's Doug!

We're all here!

Don't worry. We'll make it out of here.

OK?

He's ten, but he seems older.

He's wearing plaid pajamas. No, striped!
And a red parka!

His name is Jeremie, Jeremie Alban!
He's my little boy.

He wanted to be a fisherman.

I used to take him hiking
out on the coast.

He'd eat kelp.

He'd imitate the seagulls.

He'd talk to the crabs, and the turtles.

Turtles are cute.

Does your friend…

have scurvy, or what?

These are the symptoms.

No, it's his wife and his kid.
They're under his skin.

He should see a dermatologist!

Done for.

We're done for!

Calm down!

Everything's fine.

We've got the situation under control!

OK, we've hit rock bottom,

but all it takes to come back
to the surface

is a good kick…

And…

We didn't have enough time together!

I've never seen someone die before.

He sacrificed himself for us!

Sacrifice, yeah right.

He chose the easy way out,

the coward's way out: suicide.

We're headed for a heroic, sordid end:
a slow death.

First, we'll itch all over.

Our tongues will get thick and furry;

our lips will crack;
we'll all have big blue flies

in front of our eyes.
And we'll be very hungry.

We'll end up eating each other.

Come see!

Come see!

Help me.

Help me, please!
Together, we'll be sure to find him!

She's cute…

Hop to it! Let's find this kid!

Can't you see she's worried?

I'm here!

He's alive!

He's alive!

He's alive!

We've got no choice but to cross.
But the water's great!

Never!

What the hell is this joke?

It's fascinating!

They built all these little cages

over this beautiful water.

If I make it out alive,
I'll kill the developer.

No, honey, I'll carry you.
It's dangerous. There could be holes.

And holes are good for Doug.

Can I ask you something?
Why are you helping her?

I have the right, too.

I'm not asking for love.

I'm just invoking my human rights.

I'm just asking for a helping hand,

a kind word.

I want you to carry me!

Oh, Christ, man…

No way. You're too…

Honestly, you're too…

Fat? Say it. Say it, asshole! Too fat!

-No, but…
-You're going to build me a raft!

No. Listen, Doug.

You're not being fair, here.

Honestly, Douglas!
We're a little short on time, here.

Work it out with Louis, OK?

Louis?

Louis?

My little boy learned to swim early.

He had red floaties on his little arms.

I'd hold his chin up.

Do you remember when we pretended
to be drowning?

The look on your mother's face…

And all of them, not finding anything.

I don't get it.

We're not going to let ourselves
get beaten by some blacks!

Ow!

-You smell that rotten smell?
-Yes.

We're approaching civilization.

We're almost there!
Up there is the sewers!

Thanks, TH!

You smell that?

What I smell is the firedamp explosion
waiting for us.

What kills me is how we look.
We must look crazy.

Are you kidding?
You look wonderful, kitten.

You could make a rat hard!

We're surrounded by poetry.

Lilou was right.

We ate the cake,
but no sign of the Cyclone.

Sanctus misericordia nobis.
Is she speaking to the angels, or what?

Do you think she's here to pray,
or ask for advice?

I'm freezing.

Do what you want, Christian.

I don't attack on holy land.

They won't get her. Never. No chance.

Mom is faithful.

Isn't Mom beautiful when she's sad?

-Huh?
-What? Your mother?

Shh!

Say…

What's the plan, now?

I don't know anymore.

Dad's in hell, Mom's in heaven.

They'll never meet again.
Not anymore. It's over.

Oh, the bastards!

This takes the cake!

A present from the Jerries!
Change of plan!

If I make it out of here alive,
I'm dipping

the developer's testicles
in anti-rust paint!

Mortar shells are insane!

Oh, yeah, danger really turns me on!

This is funny.

He must have been, say, four years old.

It was in Heidelberg. On the Neckar River.

He just had to have a strudel

for his snack.

The guy with the boat
is starting to get on my nerves!

Doug! Keep your nerves for the attack.

We're going to take this Bob by surprise!
An ambush, at night!

I'm crucified.

She's taunting us.

I'm going in.

No.

Imbecille!

Let go!

Are you crazy?
You want to tempt the devil?

Fuck the devil!

Who touched that goddam mortar?

I want a name!

It must have been the fatty!

Tattletale! I was in the front.
It couldn't have been me!

I accuse the fisherman's father!
He's been losing his head.

He's a dangerous man.

Go to hell!

Enough fighting!

Let's go get a good breath of fresh air!

Come on!

-Here we go!
-Oh!

May I?

There.

Shit! We dug too far. We're in China!

Let me see China.

Bastard! Thief!

Oh, Madeleine!

Dirty thief!

Louis, come out! I saw you!

Who is it?

It's me, Madeleine. Come out of your hole!

Madeleine who? I know tons of Madeleines.

Do something! Blow this thing up!

-Louis! Come here!
-Oh!

Louis!

Oh! Madeleine!

This whole hullabaloo was you, wasn't it?

No, I swear, I just got here.

You have no right! Give him back to me!

That's right, make a fool of yourself.

I'm the fool? Have you seen yourself?

This time, you're going to prison!

You hear me? Prison!

Listen, Madeleine,

I only came to talk things over.

I was in a great mood.

Now that things have taken a turn,

I'm going to give you a piece of my mind!
You hear me?

Bravo!

Louis! Louis!

Sorry, but the others are waiting!

What's the little guy want?

I don't know him.

What? You don't know me?

Move along! Leave us alone!

That's the best I've heard yet.
He doesn't know me…

He doesn't know me anymore!

-Is that the guy who was sick?
-He threw up in the elevator.

As it so happens, ladies and gentlemen,
this woman here

is living in sin with a torturer

who hits my son in the face.
A Nazi, you could say!

What? But…

You heard me!

I know everything.
Comes as a surprise, does it?

Mr. Martin, Bob Martin!

-Bob?
-Bob!

Louis, you're scaring me.

You're right to be scared,
because I'm going to break your Bob!

Into little pieces!

Into pieces! Into pieces! Into pieces!

Into pieces! Into pieces!

Louis… Bob, who is not my Bob,

is a very nice man
who does very advanced research.

He's your son's doctor.

As for me, I live alone,
and I have you to thank.

Now be nice and tell me
where you're hiding my Jeremie.

I don't have Jeremie. I came to save him.

What's going on, Madeleine?

Louis!

I know I'm being insistent,
but the others don't get it.

I can't keep them waiting around.

You know how Doug is.

What does he want now?

I can explain. Hang on.

"I can explain…"
There's nothing to explain!

She's so annoying!

If he's not with you, someone took him!

It happens every day!

Calm down. I'll handle this.

Don't go anywhere!

Madeleine.

I'm going crazy, Louis.
What'll I do without Jeremie?

Don't worry.

Jeremie's not an idiot's son.
He can handle himself.

Louis…

Don't be mad.

I just wanted to see you both.
To see us… together.

We're here, kiddo. We're together.

You're not happy, are you?

Sure we are!

We're happy. You did a good job.

None of this matters.

-They can go to hell.
-We're happy.

This is getting boring. Let's go.

Hang on. Maybe it's not over.

Show's over!

Go home!

Nothing to see here!

Go home!

Go!

Happy new year!

Happy new year!

You might think I'm cold,

but if you want to see the sunset
over the Alps,

you're going to have to get in.

Are you sure we need this guy?

When I really commit to something,

I do a good job!

Douglas! Count. The building manager,
you, my little kitten,

my friend Louis, and me, makes five.
Like five fingers!

You want to be amputated?

No.

Well then, Flo.

What?

Hello, ma'am. Nice to meet you.

Jeremie! He does look like you.

You too.

We're just waiting on you, Louis.

OK?

Bye, ma'am. See you around.

Just a little trip to Meribel.

It's a one-day thing. A promise I made.

You and I have a lot to discuss.

Give me 24 hours and I'll come back.

Or five years?

Dad, can I come?

You promised I could when I was big.

I've proven myself.

Subtitle translation by: Adam Lozier