Rusty Romeos (1957) - full transcript
The stooges don't know it, but they are all engaged to the same girl, a gold-digger who plans to get an engagement ring from each of them and then abandon them. When all three show up at her house at the same time, a wild fight ensues, as each stooge accuses the others of making time with "his" girl. The gold-digger gets it in the end (literally) with tacks shot from a repeating rifle.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Hello ♪
♪ Hello ♪
STOOGES:
Hello.
[♪♪♪]
[ALL SNORING]
[MUMBLES]
Mary, dear.
My Mary.
Sally, dear.
[GRUNTS]
I love you.
Oh, Mabel, baby.
I'm nuts about you.
Your beautiful face.
[COOING]
And that cutest
little button nose.
And your smooth,
smooth skin.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, smooth.
Smooth.
Uh-oh, your eyebrows
need plucking.
I'll do it, baby.
Kiss me, Mabel.
You send me.
I'll send you.
[GRUNTS]
What's the idea
kicking me?
You woke me up.
You were tickling my foot.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Good morning,
fellas.
MOE AND LARRY:
Good morning.
Hey, I-I better
get going.
What's the matter?
What's the matter, Joe?
Today is the day
I get engaged to my Mary.
February 7th.
And I get engaged to Sally.
And I get engaged
to Mabel today.
What a coincidence.
Hey, speaking of coincidence,
I'm starved.
Do you think you could
cook breakfast?
I don't think,
I know.
I don't think
you know, either.
Now, let me see.
"For fluffy,
feather-like pancakes,
two cups of Flipper's
Fluffy Flapjack Mix."
One cup.
Two cups.
"Add two eggs."
"And one can
of condensed milk."
That can't be right.
Can't eat paper.
[SPITTING]
Hey, Moe,
give me a hand.
Okay, Goldilocks.
Here we are.
Hey, what is this,
Phi Sigma Delta?
No. They're Flipper's Fluffy
Ferblonger Flapjacks.
Oh, a new
sorority, well.
Wait, the rest
are for me.
Okay, okay.
Excuse me, fellas, I gotta
make a phone call to my Mabel.
Oh, my beautiful Mabel.
MOE:
Have some syrup, Joe.
Thanks.
You should see my Mary's eyes.
My Sally's too.
They're like two headlights
on a dark night.
My Sally's too.
And teeth like pearls.
Oh, my Sally's cheeks.
Those lips.
Those nose.
Oh, she is simply divine.
What a figure.
Oh, my.
All for me.
Yeah, I'll be right over.
You sure you love me, cute pie?
Of course I do, darling.
[KISSING]
[KISSING]
She loves me.
She loves me.
She loves me-- Oh.
But she loves me.
Oh, my Sally.
My Sally.
Hey, fellas,
after we get engaged today,
why don't we all come back here
and have a little celebration.
After all, we never met each
other's "fye-in-sees."
That's a good idea.
Yeah, but we can't
let our girls
see that torn davenport.
Well, don't worry
about it.
I bought new material
to recover it.
Hey, let's finish eating
and we'll go to work.
That's a good idea.
Hey.
Come on.
I want this one here,
this is.
Here's one that I want.
No, wait a minute. You--
I want this one.
My girl proposed to me
the minute she met me.
Yeah, mine did too.
You know,
that's a coincidental.
My future wife
did the same with me.
[CHUCKLES]
There we are.
The scissors slipped.
You stupid idiot.
Wait a minute,
I can explain it.
Ah! Oh! Oh!
Oh, my nose.
My poor, poor, little,
cute, lovable nose.
Aw, there,
there kid.
I was a little
bit excited.
Oh.
Come on, you.
Get outta here.
Hey, imbecile.
LARRY AND JOE:
What?
You get the tack hammer
and the tacks.
You help me stretch
this material.
Come on.
MOE: Now be careful.
LARRY: All right.
I buy a two-pants suit,
and this guy
ruins the coat.
LARRY:
Gosh.
Right here.
Just a minute.
I-I wanna do this right.
I-I don't wanna miss.
That's very
encouraging.
Ready?
Now, right there.
That's a cinch.
Ouch! Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh.
I-I'm sorry, Moe.
I-I never could see out
of these "bicycle focals."
Give me that.
Get over there
and tighten the other end
of that thing, you imbecile,
or I'll brain you.
No.
Go on.
Oh.
Get out of my way.
MOE: Hey, porcupine,
come here
and help me.
I gotta get
another hammer.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
MOE:
Stretch that material.
LARRY:
Okay, wait till
I get a tack.
MOE:
Here, pound it in.
Wait a minute.
Wait till I get my finger
out of the way.
LARRY:
Okay.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
I'm scalped.
Oh, Moe.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Moe.
Nothing to worry about.
No blood.
If I had a machine gun,
I'd blow you to ribbons.
A machine gun.
I got a brilliant idea,
I'll be right back.
You sponge head.
Moe, I-I didn't realize
I was holding the gun--
Shut up.
[CHOKING]
Here we are. Funnel.
JOE: No, don't do that.
You'll break the gun.
Plenty of tacks.
I got a hard head.
Now, you watch your
P's and Q's, see?
Okay.
L, M, F, F, P, Q.
Hey, fellas, look.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's the idea
of the rifle?
That's a continuous-shooting
automatic.
I figured if a rivet gun
can shoot rivets,
this can shoot tacks.
Oh, this is a smart imbecile.
[LAUGHING]
All right, stretch the material.
Okay, kid.
Here we go.
[GUNSHOTS]
What do you know?
Look-it there.
How was that?
Great.
Real "hamstitching."
Come on, hurry up
and finish.
I gotta get over
to my girl's house.
Me too.
Me three.
JOE:
Gee whiz, tha-tha-that's great.
Like a professional.
Boy, oh, boy.
Larry, let me try it.
No, wait a minute.
This is my idea.
JOE: Come on, let me try--
LARRY: No, I wanna do it.
JOE:
Don't be a stingy.
Where's that tack?
Let me.
No, no.
You can't.
[GUNSHOTS]
[MOE GROANING]
Ouch, ouch, ouch!
Oh, I'm losing my mind.
Fellas, help. Ooh!
Oh. Oh, Moe.
Take it easy, Moe.
We'll get 'em out.
Hurry up.
Here.
Ooh, oh. Oh!
Oh!
Relax, Moe.
[MOE SCREAMING]
Take it easy,
you're tearing my heart out.
Oh!
[MOE SCREAMING]
Take it easy, Moe.
[MOE SCREAMING]
Here, take it easy, Moe.
How do you feel?
Like a Swiss cheese.
You and your inventions.
Ooh.
I'll tack it myself.
It's all your fault.
It's your fault.
You-- You're such a stingy.
There.
Yeah? You--
[SWALLOWS]
[CRIES OUT]
[GROANS]
Suffering catfish,
he swallowed the tacks.
Quick, bend him
over the couch.
Come on.
All right.
The tacks
won't come out.
Well, they went in.
They must be income tacks.
Yeah--
Mm, jokes at a time like this.
I got an idea.
Put him on the couch
on his back.
Okay, doc.
I'll get you, Moe.
Everything will be all right.
Just take it easy, Moe.
Here, he'll
get 'em out.
Okay, open your mouth, Moe.
Yeah.
Cough, Moe.
Cough.
Cough sideways.
Move that tonsil
to the right.
Cough sideways.
No, no, move your
right tonsil.
There, there, there.
Uh-huh.
I see it.
Hear the clicks, hear the--
Here we go.
How's that?
Hey.
These tacks will never
attack you again, Moe.
But I will.
Wait a minute.
No, you--
Get outta here.
Hey. Have an apple.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, come in.
I knew you were coming
so I baked a cake.
Thank you.
And I got something
for my little
cutie pie too.
Oh?
Close your eyes.
Open your eyes.
Oh.
There. Now, how about
a little kiss?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh. It-It-It-- It's mama.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
I wanna break the news to her
gently about us.
Would you mind waiting
in the left bedroom?
The left bedroom, yes.
Hurry up, there.
[KNOCKING]
Darling, come in.
I knew you were coming
so I baked a cake.
Oh, fancy that.
You're a honey bunny.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey. What-What-What's--
Oh, this.
I have bells
on my finger and--
Ha-ha.
--ring on my toe.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh.
How about a kiss?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
It's mama.
I wanna break the news to her
gently about us.
Would you mind waiting
in the right bedroom?
The right bedroom, yes.
Hey.
Oh.
Oh, darling.
[KNOCKING]
Hello, darling.
Hi, limey pie.
I knew you were coming
so I baked a cake.
Oh, how sweet,
my-my darling.
You shouldn't-a
oughtn't-a done it.
Come on, let's sit down here.
You know, I-I didn't
forget you, either.
Oh?
Now you can have me
with you for always.
[GIGGLES]
WOMAN:
Ah, Joe.
[CAT MEOWS]
[HISSES]
BOTH:
Pardon me.
What are you doing
in my girl's house?
Your girl?
She's my girl.
We'll see about that.
Come on.
Yeah, all right,
I'm with you, don't worry.
JOE:
Cutie pie.
[GIGGLES]
A-ha.
Come here, you.
What are you doing
in my girl's house?
Your girl's house?
You mean my girl's house.
You're both crazy,
she's my girl.
You hold your tongue.
I can't.
It's too slippery.
Shut up.
You shut up.
[CRIES OUT]
There.
Why, you.
No, wait a minute, Moe. No!
Don't you dare--
[WHIMPERING]
[SQUEALS]
Hey.
See that?
What?
Get outta here.
Oh, I'm mad.
I'm fighting mad.
Oh.
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy.
And you too.
Why, you.
[GRUNTS]
Oh.
LARRY:
You dirty double-crosser.
You're a triple-crosser.
You stole my girl.
Hey, she was my girl.
Yeah, well,
we'll fight for her honor.
Put up your hands.
Because, you see,
when I was in the ring...
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
Get out of here.
I'll murder you.
MOE:
Take that, you worm.
[LARRY GRUNTS]
I'll fix 'em.
I'll fix 'em all.
LARRY: Yeah, take that.
MOE:
Ow!
Oh.
Get outta here.
Steal my girl, hey?
Ah.
Oh! Oh-oh. Oh.
Wise guy, eh?
Do that to me,
will you?
Who do you
think you are?
MOE:
Larry, I'll murder you.
You--
Larry, I'll tell you--
Quiet.
Quiet.
Why, you--
[CLANGS]
[BLOWS]
[LAUGHS]
So long, suckers.
Don't be frightened, honey.
Look what I got for you,
a hundred dollar bill.
Ooh, money.
Oh, pardon me,
it dropped.
[GUNSHOTS]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Oh, Joe.
[SCREAMING]
You Jezebel, you.
You three-timer, you.
You cheater.
[♪♪♪]