Russell Peters: Notorious (2013) - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

♪ Good to be back here ♪

♪ What happened?
Ah, bang cock ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

♪ I can't tell
If you're white or not ♪

♪ Hey, how you doing, mate? ♪

♪ No worries, eh?
All right, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ta-da ♪

ANNOUNCER:
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome

the biggest stand-up comedian
in the world



and the pride
of Brampton, Ontario,

Sydney, Australia,
give it up

for Russell Peters!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]

Thank you!

All right!

Fucking Sydney!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Give it up
for Starting From Scratch

and DJ Spinbad,
ladies and gentlemen.

Just so you guys know,

that's actually
what DJs are supposed to do.

You see how they were DJ'ing



and they weren't
looking at you?

Because they were
fucking DJ'ing.

I know a lot of you spend money
to go see these so-called "DJs"

that stand there
in big arenas like this

and their arms
are in the air.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They better be DJ'ing
with their dick right now,

that's all I'm saying.

Because if your arms
are in the air,

who the fuck
is playing the music?

That's like you spending money
to come see me

and then I put on a DVD
and go:

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

Stand there
making hand hearts.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND RUSSELL CHUCKLING]

Good to be back here.

How are you, buddy?

I can't tell
if you're white or not.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's not that easy anymore,
you know? Back in the day

when you see a white person,

you knew they were white
immediately.

When I was a kid,
if I saw a white person,

I didn't have to ask.
I was, "You white?"

They'd be like,
"What else would I be?"

But now you need to confirm.

What are you, sir?
Are you white?

Yes.

Even you hesitated.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You had to go through
your own lineage.

You were like, "I'm a--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Apparently, I am. Yes." Because
you're not regular white.

You got, like, hairy immigrant
arms, you know what I mean?

Like--

It's not like--

Get a shot of those.
You get those?

You're missing the arm cue,
it's right-- Oh, look at that.

Jesus, that is--

That's--
That's not proper white, buddy.

I don't know, that's...

That's Italian or Greek
or something.

I don't know
what's going on there.

Where are your parents from?

UK.

UK. Okay, so--
Yeah, that's pretty white.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That, in fact,
is the benchmark. That--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND RUSSELL CHUCKLING]

You are a hairy-- One hairy
Englishman, I'll tell you that.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Fee-fi-fo-fum,

I smell the hair
of an Englishman. Ha-ha-ha.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[RUSSELL GROANS]

You know why you gotta ask
nowadays? I was in Florida--

You guys ever go to Florida,
in the U.S.?

If you go to Florida,

everybody in Florida looks
like everybody in this room

until they open their mouth.

Spanish flies
right out of their mouth, like--

Not like a little bit
of Spanish, like, you could tell

that's all their thoughts,

everything they do
is in Spanish.

Know how you could tell?
When you say hello to them,

you can see your hello
enter their head.

You're like, "Hello."

And you see it go,
"Hello equals hola.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Reply with 'hello.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you know that their "hello"
started with a J.

That's the best part,
you know.

"Hello."

It's not just a greeting,
it's my favorite dessert.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It sucks for me.
I like the Spanish language,

but if you go to a place where
all they do is speak Spanish,

and they should be speaking
English, it gets annoying.

Because they see
the brown skin,

they just assume
something's going on.

Everywhere I go
in Florida, they're like:

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Listen up there,
fucking Fernando,

I don't wanna dance
right now.

First of all,
we're at a gas station,

this is really awkward.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When I told the guy, I go--
I'm a--

I go, "Oh, I don't speak
Spanish," he goes:

"What kind of fucking Latino
don't speak Spanish?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When I told the guy
I wasn't Latino,

he reacted like a guy
who bought a hooker

and found out it was a guy.
You know what I mean? Like--

"Oh, my God.
No, no, I'm not Latino."

"What the fuck are you?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pointed at my dick
when he did it.

Just,
"What the fuck is that?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I like Spanish,
it just gets annoying

when everybody's speaking it
to you. Everywhere you go:

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I got annoyed.
I was getting fed up.

I walked into a store,
I saw an Indian guy

with a turban,
I got all excited.

I was like,
"Thank God, my people."

I go, "How you doing, man?"
He goes, "Hola."

I'm like,
"Oh, for fuck's sakes, man."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

You can't speak Spanish
with Indian head motions.

It doesn't work like that.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH
WITH INDIAN ACCENT]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I've been traveling a lot
on this tour,

that's the fun thing
about being on the road

is going to countries
I'd never been to.

I...

I was in Thailand.

I know a lot of you
have been to Thailand.

It's not far from here.

I like how a lot of you
don't wanna admit

you've been to Thailand

because you're fucking perverts,
that's why.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Thailand's great.

When I go to a country
I've never been to,

I like to experience
what they're famous for.

Not ladyboys,
you filthy pirates, all right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was in Bangkok. Ha, ha.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know what's funny
about Bangkok?

It doesn't matter
how old you get.

When you hear Bangkok,
you'll giggle, every time.

Forty-two years old,
I'm like, "Bangkok." He-he-he.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Because you start thinking about
the origin of names, right?

Trying to figure out
how they came up with that name.

They were having a meeting
in Thailand, they were:

"We need a name
for the city.

Okay, quick lunch break,
we come back."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[THUDDING
THEN RUSSELL GROANS]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What happened?"

"Oh, I bang cock."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[VOCALIZES]

Makes you wonder
how they came up

with the name
for the island of Phuket.

Know what I mean? "What do you
wanna call that island?"

"I don't know, fuck it,
whatever. Just..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I went to-- When I was
in Bangkok, I wanted to--

I went for a Thai massage,

that's what else
they're famous for.

Just so you know,
if you go to Thailand,

you want a Thai massage,

just say you want a massage,
not a Thai massage

because they understand
that it's already Thailand.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But I didn't know.
One of my friends was telling me

about the Thai massages.

It's actually customary
over there

for the lady
giving you the massage to--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Not shoot dice. I mean--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Finish you off.

And I was like,
"Well, all right."

And I--
Just out of curiosity,

I was like,
"Why do they do that?"

Not that I'm opposed to it,

I just wanna know why.
And he goes:

"Oh, because, you know,
they give you this great massage

and you're relaxed all over,
your whole body,

except for dead center,
you're stiff."

And then, he was like, "Well,
when is a man most relaxed?

Right after brrt." Ah.

Right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then you add a great massage
on to that,

and you're just fucking Jell-O
when you leave.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You can tell
who's had a massage.

Everybody walking in the streets
of Bangkok:

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Is he hammered?"
"No, he had a great massage."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I was like,
"All right, I'll try it out."

So I went for my massage,

and just my luck--

I'm not making this up.
Just my luck, when I was there,

they had just passed a law

saying that these women
weren't allowed to:

They were no longer allowed to
finish you off with their hands.

They weren't gonna start blowing
everybody.

It's not that kind of party.
You know what I mean?

Because even when they do
finish you off with their hands,

it's not done like, you know,
outside of Thailand, like--

Here
it'll be considered dirty.

Like, "Hey, you wanna go
to rub 'n' tug?" Ah.

You know, it's like--

It always has
that gross undertone to it.

Like,
you go to a rub 'n' tug,

and the lady
is talking shit to you.

"Oh, so big," you know,
and--

And she's taking her time
and, you know...

Not over there. It has nothing
to do with sexuality.

It's just like the--
You know, to relax you.

So they've got it down
to, like, two pumps,

like, ding, ding, "Get out."
You know what I mean? Like...

They don't care how big,
how small.

They're like, ding, ding,
"Get out."

You know what I mean? So...

So I'm trying to figure out

what's gonna happen
when I go for my massage.

I go, "What happens?" He goes,
"You're gonna find out,"

and I go, "All right." I go,
"Will they still finish me off?"

"Probably,
but I don't know how."

I go, "All right, great."

So I go for my massage,

this cute little Thai lady,
she gives me this great massage.

Down my back, down my legs.

Down my feet,
up my legs, up my chest.

And then she gets to my hog.

And I know something's
gonna happen, right,

but I don't know what.

So I just tilt my head back
and relax, right?

And I feel a wonderful sensation
on my wiener.

And I'm thinking
maybe she's doing the old--

You know,
like, the elbow crease.

I don't know, like--

I say "the old" like it's a move
or something, but like--

I mean, I've never had
a girl go, "You like that?"

I don't know, right?
I'm just saying.

I'm thinking she's doing it
with her feet, which I like.

Know what I mean?
I like women's feet.

That works for me, right?

So I'm like...

I feel this great sensation.

So my curious side wants to see
what's happening.

So I look up, and I swear to God
she's doing this:

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She's giving me
the best wrist job

I've ever had in my life.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Like, I didn't know you could
do that with a wrist.

I went back to my hotel room
that night

because it felt so good I--

I thought I'd give it a shot,
you know?

I was sitting at the edge of
my bed, I'm like, "All right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just a note, fellas. If you're
gonna try this tonight,

take your watch off.
That's all I'm saying.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't be the reason
you have a Bangkok.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I was in the Middle East--

Where are the Arabs at
tonight? Arabs?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

So that's a lot of Arabs.

That's a dangerous amount.
Uh...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What style of Arab
are you guys here?

MAN:
Lebanese!

"Lebanese."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What the fuck is "Lebanese?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Is that some sort of hamburger
topping that I don't know about?

"Yeah, mate. How you doing?
Let me get a--

[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Let me get a hamburger."

That's my impression
of you guys.

I don't know. I don't know
what to fucking--

It makes me laugh.
"Hey, how you going, mate?

No worries. Yeah, all right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Are you a particularly
high-strung bunch of people

or do you have to tell
everybody,

"No worries.
Stop worrying, mate. All right--

Are you worried?
There's no worries. All right."

I feel like I should shove
carrots in your mouth

when you're talking to me.
"Hey, how you going, mate?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MIMICS CHURNING SOUND]

"No worries."

I'm not worried.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You shouldn't be."

"Crickey."

[RUSSELL CHUCKLING
AND AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Lebanese."

"Let me get the ketchup and some
'lebanaise' on that, please."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What's 'lebanaise?' It's lemon
and mayonnaise. It's a..."

"Why don't they call
it lemonaise?"

"'Lebanaise' sounds better."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My Lebanese friends,
have you gone back to Beirut?

Let me telling you
something.

I've partied
all over the world,

and by far,

without trying to suck up
to you guys,

because I'm scared.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But out of all the places
I've been to in the world,

Beirut parties
like you've never seen before.

Like, they--

[CHEERING]

They literally party
like there's no tomorrow.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There could very well be over
there. You know what I mean?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You've never seen chain-smoking
like you--

Like, you go to Beirut,
you see chain-smo--

To us, chain-smokers
light up a cigarette, finish,

and throw it on the ground
and start another one.

Lebanon? Three at a time.

Literally,
one, this hand, one, this hand,

and like one of those fake
blue ones for "safety."

You know? I'm like, "Aren't you
worried about getting cancer?"

"I will never die
of cancer."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Do you have the cure?"

"The Yehudis will kill me
before the cancer can.

I don't have to worry
about that, cancer.

Cancer, AIDS, no disease
will get me. Don't worry."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I know what the problem is
in the Middle East.

My Arab friends, listen up.

Here's how to start change
over there.

Here's what
the first problem is.

Arab men will never say,
"No. I don't know."

They will never say no

and they will never admit
to not knowing something.

It somehow emasculates
an Arab man

to not know something.

It doesn't matter
what it is.

If he doesn't know,
he'll make up a story

and he will yell it at you.

It doesn't matter
what you ask him.

It could be something
as simple as:

"Hey, do you know how
to make a cake? Because I--"

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Yes, of course.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Everybody knows
how to make cake."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Really? Because I don't know
how to make a cake.

Could you show me?"

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Yes."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Know how you could tell
when an Arab guy's lying?

He'll start his answer off
with, "Okay."

That's the fucking tip-off
when you know he's lying.

Right then.

I'm like, "Really? I don't know
how. How do you make a cake?"

"Okay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

First, you get cake.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then you make it
for 20 minutes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Then you have cake."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Are you sure? Because I don't
think that's how you make cake."

"That is the only way
to make cake!

They have been making cake
like that

since the beginning
of time!"

I'm like,
"All right, don't get crazy.

I'm just asking."

It's true. It doesn't matter
what you ask him--

Whatever they-- If they don't
know, they will make up a story.

It's-- And this really happened
to me last year.

I was in Dubai.

I was in Bloomingdales,
the department store.

The American
department store.

Clearly, there's a problem
with the Jews and Arabs.

So I'm in Bloomingdales,
I'm looking to leave the store.

I'm looking for an escalator.
I see a security guy there.

I walk up and I go, "Hi.
Is there an escalator in here?"

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Yes."

"Do you know where it is?"

"Yes, of course."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Do you think you could tell me
where it is?"

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Yes."

[IN REGULAR TONE]
"Fucking tell me then, right?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Okay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You go straight,
then left, then right."

I have no reason
to doubt this guy.

Go straight,
then left, then right.

So I go straight,

I go left,

and I go right into a wall.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There's another guy working
in that part of the store.

I go, "Excuse me.
Is there an escalator here?"

He goes, "Do you see one?"

I go, "No, I don't see one.
That's why I'm asking."

"Do you think maybe they put
a wall in front of it?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I go,
"I don't know what I think.

That's why I'm asking you."

"Why would you think there
is an escalator on this wall?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Because some guy
that worked here told me

there was an escalator
here."

"Maybe he lied."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IN REGULAR TONE]
"Who the hell lies

about an escalator?"

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Apparently, that guy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I go, "Is there an escalator
in your store?"

"Of course.
How else you go up and down?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Do you know where it is?"
"I work here."

"So did that guy!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Can you tell me where it is?"
"Yes."

"Where the fuck is it?"

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Okay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You have to go back.

Then go straight,
then left, then right."

I go, "No, no, no.
That's how I ended up here.

Those are the same
directions."

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Well, that's where it is."

"Are you sure?"
"Why would I lie?"

"Why would that guy lie?"

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"That's his problem."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I go, "Okay, thank you."
So I go back.

I walked past the guy that
gave me the bullshit directions.

Now, I'm hoping, as a man,

that this guy
is gonna continue to lie for me.

At least do that.
When I say,

"Hey, man, there's no
escalator over there,"

I'm hoping
this guy's gonna be like:

"What? It was just there
one hour ago.

[ALL LAUGHING]

They moved it?"

But nothing.
I go, "Hey, man,

there's no escalator
over there."

This guy goes:

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's the problem
in the Middle East.

Arab men, you need to know
how to say, "No. I don't know."

Do you realize how much shit
could've been avoided?

The Iraq War
would never have happened.

They knew they didn't have
weapons of mass destruction.

But when the U.S.
asked them:

"Do you have weapons
of mass destruction?"

"Yes, of course.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Everybody has weapons
of mass destruction."

Even the Iraqi people were like,
"What are you doing? Shut up."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Where are they?"

[IN ARABIC ACCENT]
"Okay.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Go straight,
then left, then right."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND APPLAUDING]

And I don't speak Arabic.

Sadly, I don't speak
any other languages.

I know, you know,
phrases and stuff

in other people's languages,

but I have a theory.

If you don't speak another
language, you can fake it.

The trick is to know what
another language sounds like.

And then when you do
your impression of it,

sound angry when you do it.

Because when you're angry,
you'll screw up

whatever you're trying
to say anyway.

It doesn't matter what language
even if you speak the language.

You know, just-- You'll get
angry and you'll screw it up.

So if you know
what it sounds like,

you can fake it
by just sounding angry.

Like, I'll give an example.
If I went to India,

there's over 200 languages
in India.

I don't know any of them
at all.

I know,
like, a couple of greetings,

but I don't know enough
to get me in or out of trouble.

But I know
what they all sound like.

And if I was stuck in India
and I needed some help,

I would just fake it.
They would never know.

I could be stuck in India
in a market, I'll be like:

[YELLING IN HINDI
INDISTINCTLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They won't know.
They'd be like, "Oh, my God,

he's very angry.
I don't know.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't know what dialect
that one is,

but this man is very angry.

He's most angry.

He's very cross, so cross."

That's what Indian people do.
We don't want that bad energy.

"We take it
and throw it out of our heads!

We don't-- We don't-- Get out
of my head and into my car!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

Same thing with any language,
you can fake it.

I'm going to Hong Kong
in a couple of weeks.

If I get stuck there, fuck it.
I don't speak Cantonese.

I know what it sounds like.
act angry.

[YELLING IN CHINESE
INDISTINCTLY]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't know what language
that man is speaking.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But whatever the case,
he's very mad.

So mad, I've never seen
somebody so mad in my life."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Big Asian guy, how are you?
Good to see you.

Good. How are you?

You know you're a big Asian guy.
I didn't, you know--

[ALL LAUGHING]

What style of Asian are you?

Chinese.

[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Chinese.

I've never heard it quite put
with that accent before.

"All right, nice to meet you.
I'm Chinese."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Where are you from?
I was born in Australia.

You were born in Australia?

"I am, mate. All right.
No worries. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. How you doing?
No worries. Yeah, yeah."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And you're a big fan of meat
or...?

According to his shirt,
it says fucking "meat."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I didn't put it on there.
I--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't look at me sideways,
all right?

And what's your name?

Peter.

Peter. For sure.
Absolutely, yeah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And your girlfriend?
"That's Wong. This is Wong."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you have a Chinese name,
Peter?

No.

Don't fucking lie to me,
Peter.

I don't believe you.

Where are your parents from?

From China, in Taishan.

From where?
Taishan.

"Taishan?"
Well, let me tell you something.

The "Taishan" is building
right now

if you don't tell me
your Chinese name.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

There's no way your parents
went, "That's our baby, Peter."

[ALL LAUGHING]

No chance.

Unless your name is like Pe Ta.
You know what I mean?

Like, the family name is Ta
and his name is Pe, you know?

Pe Ta.

Pe Ta:

[SPEAKING CHINESE
INDISTINCTLY]

Fei lo, Pe Ta.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's fucked up that
I said that, Peter, I'm sorry.

And that's your lovely lady
with you?

You guys--
What? Married? Engaged?

Engaged.

Engaged. Congratulations.
When are you guys doing that?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You don't know? No rush?

No.

She's like, "No. Fuck that."

[ALL LAUGHING]

How long you guys
been together for?

Four years.

Four years, wow.

Are you waiting
to get to eight?

That's a lucky number
in Chinese.

Is that what it is?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"After eight, mate,
then we're good.

Yeah, yeah, no worries.

Next four years
we'll go on a walkabout."

[RUSSELL CHUCKLING
AND AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And how did you meet?
And by "meet," I don't mean--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How did you get together?

WOMAN:
At work.

Work. That's nice.
How old are you, Peter?

I'm 28.

Twenty-eight. Okay, good. Don't
rush into getting married at 28.

You too? You're 28 as well,
sweetheart?

Oh, that's nice. Oh.

Gonna knock her up at
some point, Peter? You think...?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Little half Asian babies,
huh?

Hopefully.

That's what I'm talking
about, buddy.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Good.

I have a baby.
I have a daughter. I like her.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, it's a-- Well, she's not
here. You don't have to clap.

she'll watch this at some point.
"Dad, what the fuck?" You know?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know those kids. You have
kids, you two, English guy? No?

No, not yet, no.

Well, you gotta unfurry
your furry area and...

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ta-da!

You know.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I like being a dad.
I-- My daughter's good. She's--

I got a-- She's 2.
I-- She's really pretty.

I say that like--

Just-- Let me just clear
something up.

If I had
a fucked-up-looking kid,

I would be the first
to tell you.

You know what I mean?

I'll be like, "Yeah,
I got a little girl. Eh."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Fingers crossed she grows
out of it, you know, but...

But I'm honest. Like, if--

I hate when people tell you
how cute their kid is,

then you see their kid,

and you're like,
"What the fuck is that?"

Like, "You gotta see my kid.
My kid is--"

"What, did you Google a platypus
before you showed me your kid?

What is that?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Not every kid's cute.

I mean, they're sweet,
but they--

You know, you can look at a kid
and be like, argh.

I saw a cute baby in the mall
the other day,

but just a giant head
on this kid. Just--

Like, I could tell,

like, it couldn't even hold
that shit up.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Just a big head
on that baby.

I hope he grows into
that thing, you know, but...

She is a very, very pretty
girl, my daughter. She's...

She is like-- People see her
and they go, "She's so pretty."

And to be honest with you, my
daughter is pretty because she--

She looks like my ex-wife.

My ex-wife is a very
good-looking woman,

on the outside and...

[ALL LAUGHING]

She's, you know--

My ex-wife is like a Ferrari
with no engine. You know?

You're like,
"Oh, my God, is that a Ferrari?"

"Yeah, it doesn't work.
It doesn't work.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just fucking sits there
and costs me money.

That's all it does."

[ALL LAUGHING]

And so are there
any pregnant women here tonight?

Okay. Sorry
that you're in the stairs

and you had to climb
all that shit-- Ugh.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Pregnant women
have it rough.

You have no idea
until you get pregnant

how rough
pregnant women have.

There's obvious things women go
through when they're pregnant.

They're uncomfortable, they
got-- Their hormones are crazy.

They got cravings.
They got a human inside of them.

You know, their moods
are all over the place.

That's enough to deal with
on your own.

But then when you have to deal
with other people too,

that only adds insult
to injury.

And especially in America,
it's worse.

Americans don't give a shit.

They'll say
whatever they want to you.

At least in Australia, like,

I don't know what happened
to her, mate.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Look a little bit
like a kangaroo over there.

Yeah, mate, all right."

"What did you say?" "Nothing,
love. Have a good night. Yeah."

"No worries. No worries.

Have a healthy child.
Yeah, all right, yeah."

"Let me give you a carrot."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They gotta deal
with other people.

When my ex-wife
was pregnant,

we were in the mall
one time,

this girl walks up
to my ex-wife, she goes:

"Oh, my God,
you're pregnant:"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She pointed at her stomach,

like we didn't know
where she was pregnant.

You know what I mean?

"Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
That's a miracle.

You have a miracle
growing inside of you."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I hate when people say shit
is a miracle.

It's not a miracle
when a woman gets pregnant.

It's a blessing,
it's not a miracle.

Especially when my ex-wife
got pregnant.

She's Latina, I'm Indian.

How hard do you think it was to
get pregnant? Know what I mean?

You got the two most
fertile humans on the planet.

We never even had sex.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just sent her a text one day,
"I'm coming home."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IN WOMAN'S VOICE]
"I just saw 'coming.'"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I hate when people say shit is
a miracle. "That's a miracle."

It's not a miracle,
you know?

It'd be a miracle
if I was in the wrong hole.

Then it's a miracle.
You know what I mean?

"Oh, my God, you're pregnant.
That's a miracle."

It is a miracle!

I was in her ass.

[ALL LAUGHING]

This is the most determined
child you've ever seen.

Do you know how much shit
this kid's been through?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I like being a dad,
you know.

Having a little girl
makes you a daddy.

I know your Chinese side
probably wants a boy, but...

[ALL LAUGHING]

I don't make up these things,
all right?

Just going
by what I understand.

And they get to this age

where they repeat
everything literally.

People warned me about that:

"Hey, Russell, when you have
a kid, gotta watch what you say

because they're gonna repeat
everything." "No, they don't."

And I forgot that I have a foul
mouth. You know what I mean?

I forgot about some
of the things I do

when I'm alone in the car,
you know.

When I was driving to pick up
my daughter a few weeks ago,

I was playing N.W.A.
on the way there.

And because
it's so old-school,

I wasn't thinking
about what they were saying,

I was thinking about the
memories it brought back for me,

you know, the late '80s.
I'm like, "N.W.A."

And then you start thinking
about when--

You know, all these things.

I wasn't thinking
about what they were saying.

Then I pick up my daughter,
I put her in the car and--

I don't sing along
completely

because I don't really know
the words to everything.

You just sing along

when you hear the part
you know:

And anyway, I got to this part
in the song and I was like--

I'm just driving
and I'm like:

♪ Yo, got that 5-0
Double-up nigga ♪

And then, two seconds later,
from the backseat, I hear:

"Nigga!"

No, no, no! No. No, no, no.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And I'm trying to flush
her memory,

I'm like,
"Potato. Potato, baby.

Say potato, potato, potato."

"Pot-- Potat-- Nigga!"

I can't return her to her mother
full of filth.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Is that your wife
or your girlfriend or...?

ENGLISHMAN:
Girlfriend.

Girlfriend.
How long you been together for?

Couple years.

Couple years.
You're probably gonna--

You thinking
about locking her down

or are you just gonna waste
her time, English guy?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Why are you sweating right now?
For no reason, he's--

[ALL LAUGH]

She seems like a lovely lady

and you seem to still like
each other, you know.

Look at them, they're engaged.
Been together four years.

Still holding hands.
Look at that. That's cute.

Must be the T-shirt.

It is the T-shirt.

She's not grabbing his meat,
she's holding his hand.

[ALL LAUGHING]

She's not like this,
"Oh, Peter.

Yeah, all right."
You know, she's not--

[ALL LAUGHING]

Just holding his hand,
you know.

Who has kids? You have kids,
sir? Older guy. How are you?

I mean, older with respect,
not like, "Oh, fucking old."

I mean-- I mean,
you're obviously older than me,

unless you just aged horribly.
You know what I mean?

[ALL LAUGHING]

What's your name, sir?

Al.

Al. Al.

And who are you here with, Al,
your family?

Yup.

Is any of those your kids?

My wife and my son.

Your wife and your son.

AL:
And daughter.

Daughter or daughter-in-law?

Which one? I go,
"Daughter or daughter-in-law?"

He goes, "Yep."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's your wife? Son?
Hello.

Bastard, hello.

He's fucking looking at me.
He's like:

[ALL LAUGHING]

This isn't YouTube. I'm not
buffering right now.

I'm talking right to you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Is that your only child, Al?
Just--

Yes, he is.

Yeah. You like him?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's good, right?
How old are you, buddy?

I'm 26.

Twenty-six. Why are you--?

What are you so--?
What are you so shifty-eyed for?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, it would have been great
if you weren't chubby

when you did that.

He was like...and then
a big sweat stain right there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Great. That's gonna be
on film forever.

When you're your dad's age,
you're like,

"What the fuck
was I thinking?

How old are you, dad?

Sixty-two.

Sixty-two.
You look great for 62.

You look like shit for 42,
but you--

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You do,
you look good for 62.

I wasn't expecting 62.
That's good.

And were you in the room
when he was born?

AL:
Yes.

Yep.

But that's--
Let me tell you something, guys.

If you ever have kids,
when your wife goes into labor,

do your best
to not be there.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Like, be in the vicinity.
You could be in the--

You could be in the hospital,
you know.

You can make her think
you're in the room.

Like, you know, do some sort
of voice note on your phone.

"Push, honey, push." And then
hit repeat and loop, and then--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But when she's giving birth,
don't go in that room.

Because women get crazy
when they're giving birth.

They say the meanest shit
to you, don't they?

Because they're in pain.

They feel that pain,
and then they start thinking:

"You're the fucking reason
for this pain.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I hate you with everything
in me right now."

They just get mean, don't they?
That's-- So here's the problem

is women think that men don't
think that giving birth hurts.

Of course it hurts.
It has to hurt.

I've had shits that hurt.
I can only imagine

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

how much worse it would hurt

when you're squeezing a human
out of you.

But that's part of the deal,
ladies, and I'm not, you know--

I'm not trying to downplay
how painful it is.

It's extreme pain.

I can only imagine,
you know.

But the positive side
to the pain of giving birth

is that it's physical pain.

Which means,
it will go away eventually.

Six, seven weeks later,

your vagina will snap back
together.

You'll forget all about it.

You'll be walking around,
you'll stub your toe,

you'll be like, "My toe!"

I'll be,
"What about your vagina?"

"Fuck that. My toe hurts."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Physical pain is the best pain
you could hope for.

I used to box and I would get
black eyes and headaches.

And-- But after a couple
of days, it would go away.

I'm not comparing boxing
to your box, I'm just saying...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

that physical pain goes away,
you know.

When you're giving birth,
all you need to do, ladies,

is lean back and focus.

Focus on squeezing this person
out of you.

You don't have to see what
we saw in that fucking room.

We can't unsee it.

Six, seven weeks later,
your vagina's okay.

The rest of my life
is fucked!

It's been 26 years,
you think Al's forgotten?

He has not forgotten shit!

I'm scared to go down on chicks
to this day.

It's been two years, I'm scared.
I'm jabbing my way in. I'm like:

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's dis--
It's the worst thing

you could ever see.
Isn't it, Al?

It's like watching your
favorite restaurant burn down.

[ALL LAUGHING]

No! No!

No!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean, they'll rebuild it,
you know.

But I'm not eating there again.
Fuck that. You know, I--

[ALL LAUGHING]

That menu's different.

They've done
all kinds of things.

They put a drive-thru
in there now. That's--

Mexicans working
in the back.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Is he a good kid, Al?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Was he a smart child?

He was always smart, yeah.

He was always.
Your dad really loves you.

Because my dad would be like,
"This guy is a fucking idiot."

You know what I mean?
Like that--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Either your dad--
Either he loves you a lot

or he can't stand you

and he doesn't want us to know.
You know what I mean?

Indian dads will say,
"This guy is a fucking idiot."

"Do you love him?" "Of course
I love him. That's my child.

But what a fucking idiot,
this.

What an absolute idiot."

[CHUCKLING]

My daughter's pretty smart.
I-- I'm impressed by her.

She's only 2, and she's already
speaking Spanish and English,

which is impressive to me.

I wanted her
to learn Spanish first

because, first of all,
she's half Latina,

and we live in California,
so, you know,

I wanted her to at least know
the language of California.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Spanish is a very helpful
language in California.

You go to a restaurant, you
want your car back from valet,

you wanna know, like, what to
say. You know what I mean? So...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So you know what I did?
I told my ex-wife's family,

they're from Ecuador, I said,
"Do me a favor.

Please only speak to the baby
in Spanish."

They were like, "No problem.

Hey, don't you want us
to teach her English too?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No.

I got this."

Last thing I want is my daughter
being born in America

and sounding
like an immigrant.

[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
"Dada, you coming over?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, sweetheart.
No Jews are coming over.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Not unless my agent calls."

[ALL LAUGHING]

And when you do have kids,
trust me on this one,

buy your children, your babies,
buy them educational toys.

Best thing you could do. They
started learning really young.

I bought my daughter
this toy

and you push the color
and it says the color.

You-- If you push it,
it will be like--

Push yellow
and it will be like:

Yellow

Green, blue

The cool thing in America,
the educational toys

have a switch
from English to Spanish.

I flicked all her toys
to Spanish.

Now I'm learning Spanish
too.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Mm.

Who's thinking? I am.

Now, when she pushes it,
it goes:

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

Now I know how to say "yellow,"
"green" and "blue" in Spanish.

But only
like an opera singer.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Let me tell you where
this backfired on me.

A few weeks ago, I was in L.A.,
I needed some yellow paint.

I went to Home Depot
and I walked in,

and there was a Mexican guy
working inside,

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

inside Home Depot.

So that's progress.

Thank you, Mr. Obama.

And I knew he was Mexican.
First of all, it's L.A.

Secondly,
his back was facing me,

he was 5'4",
had a giant head.

There's no neck, he looked
like a Rock'em Sock'em Robot

that hadn't been punched
in the stomach and-- Ding.

[ALL LAUGHING]

He turned around, his name
was Juan. You know what I mean?

Juan and he had a little
Mexico flag right there.

And when I see people
and I can tell

what their comfort language
is,

I always like to try
and greet them in that language.

For two reasons,
so that way,

first, they think
I speak their bullshit,

and that way, they won't try
and rip me off.

And secondly, you know,
I just-- It just--

It makes them feel comfortable
right away.

And when I do say something
in your language,

I try to say it
the best way I can,

so you really believe
I speak your language.

But the minute you reply,
I get all fucked up

because I've run out
of words.

So I see him and I go:

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SCATTING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I'm like,
"Alrighty then, listen."

[CHUCKLES]

I make it look like we need
to go back to English, you know,

because you're at work and we
need to keep it professional.

So I go, "I need some paint."
He goes:

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[IN ENGLISH]
I go, "Yellow."

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[IN ENGLISH]
And he holds up gray and white

and shades of gray,
and shades of white.

I'm like,
"No, no, no, yellow."

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

"No, Juan,
that's gray, white,

shades of gray,
shades of white."

"No, you say 'hielo.'"

"No, that's not yellow,
yellow.

That's fucking gray and white,
Juan."

"Hielo, mira, ice, ice."

"I don't care what your favorite
song is right now, I just--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just want yellow paint."
"Sí, mira, hielo, ice, ice. "

I didn't know
that "yellow" meant "ice"

in Spanish.
I didn't know that.

That's not on the toy.

So I get in this big argument
with the guy.

I'm like, "No, not fucking ice,
Juan. Yellow."

"Sí, mira, hielo."

"Stop saying, 'Mira, yellow.'
This is not yellow."

"Mira, hielo, ice. "

"Stop saying yellow ice.
I don't want yellow ice.

That's disgusting,
first of all.

I just want yellow."
"Stop saying, 'Mira, yellow.'"

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[IN ENGLISH]
"Stop! What do you say then?"

[YELLS IN SPANISH]

I'm, like, ugh.

[SINGS IN SPANISH]

Turns out he had the same toy
at home.

He goes, "Oh, you mean:

Yellow

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

I wanna be strict, you know.

I wanna be strict
with my daughter.

She's only 2
so I can't really gauge

how I'm gonna be
with her yet.

I wanna be like my parents,
but not as crazy.

Because Indian parents
are a little crazy

with their kids.
You know? They...

I like-- I-- And I wanna be
like a white parent.

I love watching white people
talk to their kids.

White parents have this way

of speaking to their children
like they're humans.

[ALL LAUGHING]

It's beautiful to watch.
You know?

But I think white parents--

I can't be as lenient
as a white parent.

White parents, you take it
a little too far, you know.

Like, you give your kids
options.

They're a fucking kid,
they shouldn't have any options.

And here's--
I was in the mall the other day.

I saw a white lady
in the food court,

she said to her
5-year-old son, she goes:

"Sweetheart, what do you
wanna eat for dinner?"

The kid goes, "I don't know."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Okay, when you figure it out,
you let Mommy know

and I'll make it for you,
okay?

I love you."

She asked a 5-year-old
what he wanted to eat.

Not,
"Do you want this or this?"

What? He could've said any--

"I want shoes.
I wanna eat a pair of shoes."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

She would've had
to make him a pair of shoes.

I'm not--
I can't even comprehend, like--

I grew up in an immigrant house.
You--

In an immigrant house,
Mom does not--

There's no dinner for the adults
and dinner for the children.

Mom does not care
what the fucking kids like.

Mom does not cook for the kids.
Mom cooks for Dad.

Whatever Dad liked is what
you were eating for dinner.

That's the way it worked.
There were--

[ALL CHEERING]

It doesn't matter
what your dad liked,

that's what you were having
for dinner.

It turns out my dad used to love
molten hot plates of lava.

I was the only 5-year-old
farting fire at 5.

[MIMICS EXPLOSION]

They used to call me Dragon Ass
at school.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But white parents explain things
to their kids, you know.

They do. They take the time
to do that. That's nice.

Indian parents,
they're the worst.

If they don't want you to do
something, they will make up

the most insane story as to why
you shouldn't do something

and scare you into not ever
thinking about doing it.

You don't think your parents
are creative, you're like:

"They couldn't
be making that up.

That must have happened,
you know."

I'll give an example. I grew up
just outside of Toronto,

small town called Brampton.

And, uh-- B-town, represent.
I--

And I grew up in these
townhouses and all the driveways

were attached
in the townhouses.

And at the edge
of the driveway was a road.

A major road
where all the cars can drive.

We were obviously not allowed
to play on the road.

Only play on the dr--

Only allowed to play on the
driveways, for obvious reasons.

Now, this was the white lady
next door

telling her son
not to play on the road.

"Sweetheart, Mommy doesn't
want you to play on the road."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not safe."

"So?"
"So you could get hurt."

"I don't care."

"Well, I do."

"So?"

"If you get hurt,
you'll make Mommy sad.

Do you wanna make Mommy
sad?"

"No."

"Then, be a good boy
and play on the driveway."

"Okay."

"I love you."
Mwah, mwah, mwah.

[ALL LAUGHING]

It was so good.
She explained it to him.

She told him
why he shouldn't do it. He--

She gave him the consequences
as to what could happen.

He had all the information he
needed to not play on the road.

And you know what?
He didn't play on the road.

Not my dad. This is my dad
telling me the same thing.

[IN HINDI ACCENT]
"Russell!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Don't go on the road,
you'll get hit by the car

and you'll break apart."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IN REGULAR TONE]
Not I might get hit by a car.

No,
I will get hit by the car.

Apparently, there's only one car
in my neighborhood

and I was going to get hit
by it

and I was gonna break apart.

How the fuck
do you break apart?

[ALL LAUGHING]

As a kid,
I thought I was made out of Lego

because I was gonna break apart
one day.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They scare you
into not doing things.

I don't have tattoos.

That's because my dad
scared me into not having--

"You have a tattoo
and you'll find out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's how you got
hepatitis.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you want hepatitis?"
"No."

"Then don't get
a fucking tattoo."

[ALL LAUGHING]

You have any tattoos, Al?

AL: No.
No. You know why?

You're from-- I'm not saying
I'm from your generation,

but my generation emulated yours
a little bit.

Your generation-- Am I lying?
You had to earn tattoos.

You never just went
and got one blindly, did they?

No. The only ti--
When I was a kid,

the only people I saw
with tattoos

were old white guys

and they would have like
a fucked-up-looking anchor

on their forearm.

It wouldn't look like an anchor.
Like a check mark. You know?

Like, he got it when
they hit some rough water.

It was like, ugh. And then--

[ALL LAUGHING]

When I was a kid, you--
Tattoos meant something.

Now it doesn't mean shit.
Everybody goes and gets one.

It equals nothing to me
anymore.

Like,
"Why did you get a tattoo?"

"It's just to express
my individuality." No.

No. You're a fucking idiot.
That's what happened.

And you decided to be
just like everyone else.

You used to be able
to look at somebody

and you could tell
by what their tattoo was,

where it was,
what kind of person they were.

Like, if you saw somebody
with a neck tattoo,

you were like, "That's a crazy
son of a bitch right there."

And they'd always have something
crazy on their neck, "FTW."

Fuck the world.

And then they would have
a teardrop tattoo, you know.

"What's the teardrop for?"
"I killed a motherfucker.

And I couldn't cry
my own tears."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Don't you quit on me."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Now, it doesn't matter where
the tattoo is or what it is.

You got these little emo kids
with skinny jeans

and "life is difficult"
tattooed on their neck.

Real tears running down
his face.

"Why are you crying?"
"It hurt."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

People get crazy, they do
the sleeve now. What do--

"I got a sleeve.
I did my whole arm."

That's cool right now.

In 10 years,
you're gonna regret it.

That's like having
an Ed Hardy shirt on

for the rest of your life.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Sorry, Lebanese people.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No worries, mate. Apparently,
he doesn't like Ed Hardy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You gotta think-- I see your
tattoo, sweetheart. I see it.

You look upset
that I'm talking about tattoos.

But what is that on your arm?
What did you get?

A nautical star.
It says "dream big, work hard."

A nautical star that says
"dream big, work hard."

[ALL LAUGHING]

When you say it out loud,
do you see

how ridiculous that is?
Do you see...?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Just saying maybe on the way
to the tattoo shop,

you should have said it out loud
a few times.

Oh, which--
You have five tattoos?

What was your first one?

I've got one on my back.

You've got one on your back.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What is it?

Musical note.

It's what? A musical note?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Is it on your back? A tramp
stamp? What is it? Is it...?

Shoulder.

You should put it right at the
base of your back, call it--

Put a base clef,
you know, like--

[ALL LAUGHING]

Is it a treble clef,
bass clef, what is it?

Treble clef.
Are you a singer?

Or do you want guys to whistle
when they're fucking you?

Is that like,
"I got a nice clef"?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I don't understand.

What--
What was you first tattoo?

The musical note. Yup.

Was the treble clef
on your back, good.

One day,
you just looked in the mirror

and you were like, "Fuck."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

My back is boring.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It needs a soundtrack."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Women are the worst with this
shit because they don't think.

They always put these little
corny sayings all over them

and then,
"Musical note on my back."

Women start with a cute tattoo,
don't they?

"What did you get?" "I got
a dolphin on my ankle. Ding."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You gotta think
about the future.

When you're 80 years old,

that dolphin is gonna look
like a can of tuna.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That treble clef
is gonna look

like a fucking teardrop
on your ass.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your nautical compass
is gonna be all out of whack.

"It used to point north, now it
just-- Everything goes south."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And what does it say?
"Dream big."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You gotta think
about the future.

Nobody thinks
about getting old anymore.

When I was your age--
How old are you?

Actually, I'm 19.

Nineteen? What the fuck?

You haven't even had skin
long enough.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

At least have skin
for at least 20 years

before you start fucking it up.
You know what I mean?

Because, again, you're too--

You're young and not thinking
about the future.

I'm glad
I never got any tattoos

because, after 40,
your skin doesn't snap back

the way it does right now.

Like, your skin after 40

is literally like finding
your favorite pair of underwear

from, like, five years ago.

"Oh, my God,
I still have these."

You pull the waist,
it goes--

And doesn't snap back,
you know?

You're like,
"Wow, my favorite underwear

is now my favorite
dusting cloth.

This is perfect, you know."

[ALL LAUGHING]

You gotta think--
I see, buddy, you got a sleeve,

you got all kinds of weird shit
going on over there.

What is that?
What do you got there

other than no arm left?
What happened?

What was your first tattoo
there, Tony Tats?

What is that?

A dragon.

A dragon. Because you have
bad breath or...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What made you get a dragon?

Obviously, you're not Chinese
or something.

You like dragons? You know
they're not real, right?

Yeah.

[ALL LAUGHING]

"I like dragons.
I have a bunch of them."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And then you were like,
"You know what,

I got this dragon
and another arm."

And then you just went
fucking ham

on the other arm,
didn't you?

Where are your parents from?

You're obviously
not a white guy. What?

Syria.

Syria. One guy clapping.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, no, there was mosquito,
I had to..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know your Syrian parents

don't fucking appreciate
your arms right now.

"Back home, son,
we would have cut off your arms.

You look like sharmuta,
cut off your arm."

[ALL LAUGHING]

I see yours too, buddy.

You guys aren't thinking,
are you?

What-- How old are you?

MAN:
Thirty-five.

Thirty-five. And how long ago
did you get that dragon?

Five years ago.
Five years ago.

At 30 you were like,
"You know what?

This arm needs
a fucking dragon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I never wanna see
this arm again."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The Asian guy beside you
has a tattoo.

Do you have a dragon?

Because that would make
more sense to me.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Do you have a dragon?

Yeah.

Yeah, he does. Show us.
Where's your dragon?

He fucking has a dragon.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]

You should have like a tank
or something, know what I mean?

Like something that describes
where you're from, you know?

Like a-- Like a--

Like a fake set of bombs

strapped to your arm,
you know what I mean? Like...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Even the Asian guy,

"They're so stupid.
The Arab guy has a dragon."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hey, dragon arms."

[ALL LAUGHING]

Just saying,
think about the future.

Why do you have a dragon?

Were you born year
of the dragon or...?

Dragons are more in tune
with you being Asian,

so I'm not really mad at you
for having that, you know?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Women get cute
with the tattoos.

They always put the sayings
and shit on them.

There's a girl on one of my
shows, I go, "What do you got?"

She goes,
"I got one here, one here

and I got stuff on my back."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I go,
"I got stuff on my back too,

but I-- I wax it off."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I go,
"What do you got on your back?"

She goes, "Scriptures.

I have scriptures
written all over my back."

She had scriptures
written all over her back.

Who is that for?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The guy fucking her,
that's who it's for.

Don't know about you,
but first time

I bone this chick,
I don't wanna flip her

and the Bible's staring me in
the fucking face. You know?

"Yeah, baby, turn over.
What the fuck?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, my God, I'm gonna come.
Give me your face."

[WOMAN'S VOICE]
"Why are coming in my face?"

"Because I don't wanna come
on Jesus."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's really uncomfortable.
My mom is sitting right there.

And I just did that.
Sorry, Ma.

It's your fault I didn't know
these words before.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You should've bought me
an educational toy.

I'm jealous of tattoos.

That's my real problem
with tattoos,

I'll be honest with you.

Because, first of all,
you can't get a tattoo after 40.

You look like you're going
through some midlife crisis.

You look like an idiot
getting a tattoo after 40.

And the other reason is,
I'm a hairy Indian guy.

I don't have the real estate
for a tattoo.

You know what I mean?

What am I gonna get, a tiger

peering through the hair
on my chest?

You know:

[ROARING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Girls are gonna be like,

"Oh, my God,
the grass looks so real."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Megan, Megan, come here, look.
He's got like a 3D HD--

Oh, my God. You can feel it.
It's so gross."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How old are you, kid?
You look young.

SHAHAN:
Fifteen.

Fifteen.
That's an awkward age, right?

Yeah.

Don't get any tattoos,
you're only 15.

Don't do what she did at 15
or whatever the fuck she was--

She's only 19, so...

I mean, I don't know
when you got the treble clef.

How old were you
when you got your treble clef?

Eighteen.

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Eighteen.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[IN REGULAR TONE]
In one year,
she got five tattoos.

No regard for her body.

You seem like a nice
brown kid, don't...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't fuck this up,
you know?

You're 15, you're in your prime
whacking years, just enjoy that.

You know what I mean?

[LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

It's okay, buddy.
We've all been there.

You know what I mean?

Who's with you?
Is that your dad?

My uncle.

Your uncle.
How old are you, uncle?

Thirty-four.

Thirty-four. You know what
I'm saying. Know what I mean?

Fifteen, just like:

[YELLING]

That's all.

That's all you wanted to do
at 15, you know?

Hey, and just--
What's your name, buddy? Sorry?

Shahan.

Sahan?

Shahan.

Shahan. Shah-off.
Shahan. Shah-off.

Shahan,
when you're jerking Shah-off,

[ALL LAUGHING]

I want you to know

that there's nothing wrong
with you, all right?

Just enjoy it. Remember, uncle?
You know what I'm saying, huh?

Fifteen:

[ROARS]

Even in your 20s, in your 20s,
as a guy,

you could jerk off
like eight times a day

and still fuck at night.

It was an incredible time,
you know.

[GROWLS]

I mean, you don't really
do it properly, but you can--

[MIMICKING VIBRATING SOUND]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't try this either tonight.
Don't--

Don't get carried away,
is all I'm saying.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING
AND CHEERING]

It never ends for a man, Shahan,
you will always,

as long as you have arms,

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

for the rest of-- Al, 62.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You still crank it
out every now and then.

Let's not lie to each other, Al.
You know what I mean?

It's not as frequent
as it once was.

I mean, you know, maybe--
Maybe once a month even.

But whatever,
you gotta empty the pipes.

You know what I'm saying?

You know when it slows down,
uncle?

You're only 34,
you don't know this yet.

But after 40
is when it slows down.

That's when you-- You gotta make
decisions in life, you know?

You'll still do it,

but it's not done
with the same frequency

or willingness
as it once was.

Like, I'm-- Like tonight,
I'll give you an example.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If I don't get laid tonight
after my show,

I don't give a shit.

I will go back to my hotel room,
open up my laptop,

put on some porn,

crank one out and go to sleep
like a fucking gentleman.

You know what I mean?

[ALL LAUGHING]

The problem is

after 40,
you get tired way easier.

Do you know how many nights
I've had it happen

when I put my laptop
on my chest

and I fall asleep
with my dick in my hand, just--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

While the movie was loading.

While the movie--
It hadn't even started.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And the only reason
I wake up

is because
the heat from my laptop

is burning my chest.

"I'm on fire!" Aah.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I grew up like an immigrant,

and even though I was not
an immigrant in Canada,

I felt like an immigrant.

And then I moved to the States
seven years ago

and actually became
an immigrant.

It's kind of a weird process
for me.

You know, being a Canadian
living in America--

All right, yeah.
Three Canadians. Good.

Oh, one Canadian flag.
Good. Good deal.

Hold that up.
We'll get a shot of it.

Don't you want that
on the fucking DVD?

That's right.

That's what it looks like.
That's our flag. A leaf.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Symbol of strength and...fall.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The immigrant experience
is a lot harder

than you think it is,
you know.

You really gotta
give your parents props

if they came
from another country

to here
or wherever they went to

because they really
took a chance, you know.

My parents left India
in 1965,

and they moved straight
from India to Toronto,

which is where I was born
and raised by wolves and--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And I don't know
how thick my dad's accent was

when he moved to Canada,

but it never got thinner

in the 40 years
he was alive there.

My dad had this ability
to give everything an accent.

Everything.
It doesn't matter what it was.

And not words. Any immigrant
could fuck up words.

My dad would fuck up sounds.

One time my dad's car
broke down, he called and goes:

"Son,
the car is broken down."

I go, "What happened?"
"I don't know."

"Well, what's wrong
with the car?"

"If I knew that,
I'd be a 'mechanic.'"

And not words.

"What the hell
is a 'mechanic?'"

"The bastard
that fixes the car."

And not words.

"Oh, I think
you mean 'mechanic.'"

"Don't be stupid.
There is no K in it."

And not words.

That's how you could tell.

You can tell
how Indian somebody is

by how many fingers
they point with.

I was born in North America,
one finger. "You, you, you."

People from India, four fingers
to point at one thing.

"Just see, see these bastards.
See. Just see.

See everybody. See.

See, see, see."

See, in India, that--
This makes total sense.

Because there's so many people
there, you can't pinpoint shit.

"Where is he?"
"There, there, there.

See? There, there, there."

"I don't know. You're pointing
at four things right now."

"What are you--? Stop saying
'there.' Where?" "There."

"Stop-- You're saying 'there'
more times. Where?"

"In that vicinity.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That particular
'group' of people."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They say things in India
that make total sense in India

but make no sense
outside of India.

Like-- I'll give an example.
Last year I was in India,

I went to visit my uncle
in Bombay.

I went to his apartment,

and I was like,
"Oh, hey, uncle,

this is a new place.
Did you move?"

He goes, "Yeah, son.
Few years back we shifted."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He said they shifted.

They don't say they moved
in India. They don't--

"Did you move?"
"No, no, son. We shifted.

Few years back
we shifted to this place."

They shifted. You can't use that
outside of India.

Imagine
if you're moving tomorrow.

Like, "What are you doing?"
"I'm shifting."

"Just stop it,
you shifty bastard.

What's wrong with you?"
You know?

Shifting.
But that makes total sense

in India "shifting,"
doesn't it?

Because there's so many people
there,

you can't fucking move.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You just kind of shift.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Hey,
did you just move to here?"

"Recently I shifted
to here. Yes."

Just shifted."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So I say to my dad,

"What were you doing
when your car broke down?"

"I was making the turn."

"You were making the turn?"

Even though we were
on the phone, I knew he went--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You-- If you're Indian
your whole life,

you know the pauses
on the phone are--

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I go, "What do you mean
making the turn?

Were you creating the turn?"

"I was not creating
the turn.

The turn was there,
I was making it."

"So the turn existed
when you got there?"

"Of course it existed,
how else would I have made it?"

"Well, who made it?" "

I don't know who made it,
but I was making it."

"So was it made
or were you making--?"

"Don't you question me,
you bastard!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When you get
an Indian father mad,

the go-to is, "You bastard!"

They will--
My dad would call me a bastard.

That doesn't make any sense.

"You bastard!"

"Dad, I can't be a bastard.

You're my dad."

"Am I? Am I?

Were you there
when it happened?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

He would get so mad,
he would call me

a son of a bitch
in front of my mom.

"You son of a bitch!"
My mom was like, "Eric."

"Not you, honey, obviously.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

The proverbial bitch
that's out there.

He's not your child
or my child.

He's the bastard son
of that son of a bitch!

He's a bastard bitch!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

I knew how to get him
riled up.

"So, Dad,
did you create this turn

or was it made
when you got there?"

"It was made. I did not
create it. I was making it."

"You can't make something
that's already made."

"I did not make it. I was not
making it. I was making it."

"By extending the word 'make'
doesn't mean you made it, Dad."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You wanna get
an Indian person upset,

tell them
they did something illegal.

"Dad, was this legal?"
"Of course it was legal!

It was totally legal!

I was at an intersection,
I put on my indicator."

"Did your indicator work?"

And this is where my dad
screws up the sound.

"It was working just fine."

Tak, tatak, tatak, tatak.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I go, "What the hell
is that noise?"

"That's my indicator."

Tak, tatak, tatak, tatak.

"Why does your indicator
have an accent?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You know it's not
an India-cator, right?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Shouldn't it be going:?"

[MIMICKS CAR INDICATOR]

"That's what it's doing.
What are you hearing?"

Tak, tatak, tatak, tatak.

"All right,
then what happened?"

"Then I proceeded
to make the turn.

Suddenly, the engine went:"

[MIMICKING CLANGING SOUND]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Your engine did what?

[MIMICKING CLANGING SOUND]

Your engine went:?

[MIMICKING CLANGING SOUND]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Let me get this straight.

Your indicator went:

Tak, tatak, tatak, tatak.

And then your engine went:"

[MIMICKS CLANGING SOUND]

"Right."

"Dad, your car
is an illegal immigrant."

Thank you very much, Sydney.
You guys were awesome.

[ALL CHEERING]

Yay!

[♪♪♪]

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]

Thank you, guys.
You guys are gonna be on the DVD

and Netflix.

Good night.

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

♪ What the fuck are you? ♪

♪ What the fuck are you? ♪

♪ Hola ♪

♪ Hola ♪

♪ Hola ♪